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Camille Barlow

Ms. Gardner

English 10H/Period 4

26 January 2017

Have you heard?...

Camille, youre a slut. says an ego hurt twelve year old boy whose high pitched voice comes

from behind me above the cement steps known as the popular area for the cool kids; his rejection

from the junior highs annual Valentines Day dance occurring a few days later provoked this insult.

Numerous heads of curious seventh graders turn towards me as my face furiously flushes with

embarrassment and anger. I turn around to face the vain boy, known as Scotty Rocca to others. Unable to

find the right words, I quickly rush to the bathroom and let my emotions run through my body and pour

out of my eyes. Camille, youre okay. Dont be dramatic; you need to stop crying. Seconds later, the

unhelpful yard duty approaches me with a sorrowful appearance, yet her help was useless.

Little did I know, those words would repeat throughout my highschool years in my young teenage

brain over and over. I was unaware of what the word even meant; however, after this encounter, I defined

myself as this, slut. I mean, according to him, that is what I was right? How was I supposed to know?

Coryn Locks, a hearing specialist, reveals on her website, The inner ear is no larger than a pencil eraser

in circumference. How could the incredibly small ear hold such large, throbbing words? These harsh

words and these insults brought large, dark clouds over my head; they covered the sun in my life. As a

young and ignorant preteen, I had not yet gained the ability to lift myself up with my own words to create

my own sunshine; therefore, I let the darkness invade me, and this was no where near the end.

Yeah? I know you can see us whispering over there. Would you like to know what we were

saying? shouts the most intimidating girl at the baseball fields, Jasmine. My voice, shaky and terrified,

was beginning to close as the inquisitive crowds slowly formed before my eyes. My ears throb as they
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wait for the stinging words held at the tip of her tongue to burn through the passageway from my ear

drums to my brain.

I gain the courage to respond with a worried, Might as well Giggles begin to form around

me, yet they were not in my favor. I reflect on how giggles usually make me feel; hiding giggles from my

too serious seventh grade math teacher Mrs. Rudder, shedding a smirk while my flawless mother,

Michele, attempts to be angry with me, and excessively laughing at endless jokes from my best friends

Sarah, Ava, and Evan all come rushing to my head. But now, that beautiful sound of giggling that

illuminates happiness? Ruined.

Her response makes my stomach drop, Youre not pretty Camille. You act as if you are all that,

but just so you know, youre really not! I begin to feel lightheaded, and I stand there as no one sticks up

for me; no one wants to be the target. The burning sensation in my ears comes, and I once again feel a

storm above me, yet this is worse; I felt as if I saw no sun in the future.

I pushed everyone away, even my closest friends; in fear of a mental breakdown, and in fear of

repetitive humiliation. I fell to the bottom of the social hierarchy, and for months and months I stayed

there. Realizing who my true friends are, I stuck with my most loyal friend, as I still do to this day,

Cailyn. Her energy and uplifting words have brought tiny rays of sunshine into my cloudy days. Each day

seemed to slowly become better, although there were many downs.

We were about to graduate Junior High, and I was extremely excited to start over. I had just

gotten a new boyfriend who through words, brought me cloudless days along with a beaming hot sun. His

words danced through my ears all day; after a rough night, I would look forward to seeing my first silly

young love, Kevin. As if on endless repeat, the lullaby version of You are my Sunshine would begin to

play as he walked towards me each morning. This song would come from all directions and flow through

my soothed ears. As days wore on, his words lost their shine and became dull. One thing led to another,

many grating words were exchanged. Because we ignored the power of them, the pain from each rude
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remark and decision made pushed us farther and farther away. I was once again left in the dark, by words.

Each day when school started, my ears would become numb to the constant, Are you okay? and

Youre way better off without him.

I had to teach myself to pretend to open my ears to the fake advice from backstabbing girls

pretending to be my friend. I had to find ways to send calming messages to my brain by buying a

rainforest sound machine. I had to distract my ears completely from hearing anything because every

sound led me back to the same exact voice. His.

As months continued, I convinced myself that I was happy through music; instead of listening to

a boy who keeps me calm and collected, I listened to music that promised me it would never leave, and I

knew that promise was to be kept.

As a Junior Higher, every situation I heard of that went wrong appeared to be the end of the

world; however, first semester of sophomore year that perspective had not changed. Oh my gosh, she did

that? they say, How? Shes not even pretty! they shout loud enough for me to hear, Oh HER? No

way. What next? I walk away. My ears have blocked out the oftentimes everyday hatred they hear.

Becoming a teenager and soon young adult, I recognize that in dark days I have learned to look at

ignorant words and those who easily act out angrily, differently. In the Egyptian culture, Ra, ancient

Egyptian god of the sun traveled across the sky in his sun boat, and at night he passed through the

underworld. Each sunrise was a celebration of the god's return, a victory of life over the forces of death

and darkness. Those who believed in this myth looked up to Ra and perceived him as incredibly strong

and powerful, as are words. The person is not who is strong, their words hold all of the power. The ear

hears all of these words, sending signals to your limbic system that then generates your mood.

Words are sunshine and words are darkness; however, there is an in between, meaning the words

could be insincere, but in the high school world, that is labeled as fake. In an article called

Doublespeak by William Lutz he declares, If language can be used to control minds, then those who
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control language can control minds and ultimately control society. Language is power; those who control

language control the world. Power may come out of the barrel of a gun, but without the control of

language there can be no real control of society. Lutz observance is incredibly accurate and insightful

because hearing different words can bring numerous distinct thoughts, ideas, and moods; all you can

control is how you react. Your ears are your sun; without positive words constantly flowing through them,

you will be in darkness.

They ask me how I deal with it, all of the darkness closed in on me; you dont. They ask me

where I find my sunshine; the answer is nowhere. My sunshine, your sunshine, and their sunshine is

words; although you cannot find words, you must create the right jumble of them to produce sunshine.