Diep 1

I never lived up to my name, but maybe that was never the

point.
********
During my freshman year of high school, I switched over from a
private middle school with a graduating class of less than 25 students
to a public school with a population of almost 2,000. I was free from
uniforms and Wednesday chapel services, and I could explore new
groups of friends and lifestyles in a less sheltered environment. I
started off with the whole Please-the-Asian-Parents starter kit by
playing on a tennis league, joining ASB my first semester, and getting
a 4.0. I had a strong start, but this quickly went to shit as soon as I
entered the party scene.
My private school didnt prepare kids like me for the under-aged
binge drinking, pill popping, and pot smoking that an average 14-year-
old can encounter in public high school. Sure, the 5th grade D.A.R.E
program told us to say no to drugs, and not to drink or else our
fingernails would turn yellow, but all that textbook crap was never
helpful to me. I remember having to write a letter to my older self
where I wrote a passionate warning not to be stupid and do drugs. I
also mentioned wanting to be either a chef, a lawyer, or a pianist, and
that Id have to work hard in high school to get into Julliard or Harvard.
I wonder how my 11-year-old self would have reacted to seeing me
wear that ridiculous D.A.R.E. shirt to parties as a sign of retaliation.
My familys house turned into a jungle where I explored all the
exotic varieties of drugs available from my friends. My first time
getting drunk was by sampling a few shots from my moms liquor
cabinet with some girls from my freshmen algebra class. I didnt feel
anything after my first shot of the intimidating bottle of Jack Daniels,
so I took another. I cringed, but still nothing. So I took another. The rest
of that night was a disaster because someone decided that it would be
a good idea for our drunken platoon to stumble into the Dennys
 Diep 2

nearby while a sophomore class fundraiser was going on. Not realizing
how loud I was in our plastic red booth, I yelled hi to people I
recognized from my classes, who either waved back with the cringiest
of smiles or completely ignored me. Needless to say, the ASB members
present that night labeled me as a troublemaker.
I guess their label was appropriate because by the middle of my
sophomore year I graduated from drinking to doing ecstasy every day.
One pill a day at six dollars a pill got expensive, so I bought pills in bulk
and sold them to make enough money to support my infatuation with
Molly. My skin was always clammy, and my chest was always heavy
with that same feeling you get right when youre about to hit the drop
on a rollercoaster. With every pill came an amazing rush of serotonin,
norepinephrine, and dopamine; but my brain could only produce so
much, and I eventually became really depressed. Rather than deterring
my addiction, this depression increased my weekly pill count because I
used the pills to temporarily escape from these gloomy episodes.
A strong dose of ecstasy does this thing to your face where the
muscles twitch involuntarily and your eyes fight to roll back, and its
not the kind of face I felt comfortable wearing while lounging in the
living room with my straightedge parents. They started to question me
out of concern because I would always hide in my room with the door
closed, something I never did. Their concern turned into fear when
they noticed that my bank account was missing the five-hundred
dollars that they had put in there for me to buy necessities like food.
One night, out of suspicion, my mom flung the door open while I was
melting in my bed with the lights off, eyes closed, letting the music
from my earphones orchestrate the spasms of my facial muscles.
She panicked and grabbed me, and the sudden crushing grip of
her hands followed by her manic yelling left me frozen in shock.
Whats wrong with you? Are you on drugs right now?! I denied her
claim, but she continued her confrontation. Unable to deal with the
 Diep 3

stress, I pried her hands off of me and pushed her away. She was by
the door so the only way out of this nightmare was the window to my
right. I grabbed my wallet, keys, and phone and broke through the
window screen, catching my mom by surprise. I know that was crazy of
me, but dealing with my parents would have been crazier so I kept
running till I got to my car in the driveway and drove off to a friends
house. My parents left me voicemails crying and pleading for me to
come home, eventually threatening to report my car as stolen so the
cops would search for me and bring me home, but I knew that they
were too nice to do that. I stayed at different friends houses and
supported myself with the cash Id make from selling, but I still
occasionally snuck back to my parents house to eat or just lay in my
bed while they were at work. I was on a spree like the prodigal son,
spending everything I had financially, physically, and emotionally.
One night that week, I was unloading a case of beers for a party
with my friends when I got a phone call from my oldest sister. She
didnt live with our parents, but I hesitated to answer because I was
afraid that she knew about my situation and would yell at me to go
home. I picked up anyways.

Did you hear about what happened to Esther?

My heart was yanked into the air at these words, my body

suspended. I already knew something was wrong. Esther was a
childhood friend, and I never knew a more innocent, joyful soul that
existed on this planet. As my sister spoke, I droned in and out, unable
to process what she was telling me. I remember how Esther and I used
to swim together at the local YMCA when I was five and she was six.
********
UghhhhI dont want to swim today, Esther.
 Diep 4

Esther replies, Hmmwhy dont we go outside and pray? My mom

says that you can always pray about your problems!
Good idea! Lets see maybe we can pray for someone to poop in the
pool again so that they HAVE to cancel our class!
That night, the two of us really stood outside in the dimly lit
basketball court of the YMCA to pray for some poor kid to defecate in
the pool so that we wouldnt have to swim. Esther was probably
wearing her swim cap, making her head look like an egg with pudgy
cheeks. Her bubbly personality and contagious smile could brighten up
anyones day. She was a tiny bundle of joy, and I cant recall a time
where she was ever visibly sad or angry about anything.
Although we remained good friends, the next time that we
shared another intimate moment like that was during my sophomore
year, eleven years later. Our youth group was having a winter retreat
where we stayed at a cabin tucked away in the pine forest of Lake
Arrowhead. Our youth group consisted of my elementary school
friends, who Ive known since second grade. It was freezing outside,
not enough for there to be snow, but cold enough for us SoCal kids to
have to wear beanies and mittens. We cooked all of our meals
together, did bible study lessons, and competed in a scavenger hunt
around the neighborhood where our cabin was located. After our first
dinner together, I snuck upstairs to take a pill, and I smoked some pot
out of a pen cap to calm my nerves since it would be my first time
being on ecstasy around this group of friends.
I was greeted by the laughter of two friends when I exited the
restroom. One of our friends, Wesley, said, All that time in there and
only two flushes?! Relax, we know whats up. Do you want a swig from
Philips flask? I smirked, knowing that he didnt know I just popped a
pill; knowing that they didnt drink, and that this flask was probably a
really big deal to them. Sure, let me get at some of that. As I drank, I
kept myself from cringing to show these two guys that I knew what I
 Diep 5

was doing. The warmth of the liquor shot across my chest, and Asian
glow inevitably kicked in.
Everyone started to gather in the master bedroom after washing
the dishes, and we all busted out our cozy, colorful Asian blankets and
sleeping bags. There were about ten of us in total, and we all bundled
up to play some games and talk about our new high school lives.
Feeling kind of dizzy from the weed and brew, I laid down on Esthers
lap. I broke out in a drunken giggle because she looked freakishly
gigantic from where I was lying down, even though she was almost a
foot shorter than me.
What are you laughing at? She paused and tilted her head. Oh
my gosh, youre SO red Matt. Youre lucky were all up here or Mr. C
would send you home!
Shhhh.. I brushed her comment aside, Arent you lifeguarding
now? I just got my lifeguarding certifications done and Im looking for a
place to work at!
Oh how cool! Dude, you should apply at the El Monte Aquatic
Center where I lifeguard. We could work together!
I swear, she hyped me up so much in that moment that the pill
hit, and all I could do was sport a giant grin and chuckle. My face
suddenly felt cold and crisp, as if an invisible blanket that had been
wrapped around my face just fell off.
Oh man, youre so gone.. She cupped my cheeks with her
hands. You better apply, okay?!
The pill made the touch of her hands send a wave of euphoria
across my face. Managing to speak, I said, You already know! Itll be
like the old daysexcept WELL be the onesyelling at kids to stop
running around the pool. My facial muscles must have started acting
on their own and contorting into a hot mess because Esther silently
observed me for a second and erupted into laughter. We joined the rest
of the group in a game of mafia, and the warmth of our gathering filled
 Diep 6

the cabin that night -- a candle glowing amongst the pine trees under a
velvety black sky.
********
She died today hiking. Eaton Canyona fifty-foot fall.

What the fuck was I doing?

Why did someone like me get to be alive while one of the most
beautiful people in the world had to leave?

The last private conversation I had with Esther was tarnished by

my intoxication, and here I was, drunk again. An unforgiving cheer
erupted from the beer pong tables behind me, causing me to clench
my fists. But it was no use. Tears poured ceaselessly, and all I could do
was look at the moon and wonder if Esther could see what I was doing
right then.
********
Golden beams shine through the patchy sky as the sun begins its
slow descent. The rays of light get captured in beautiful golden
packages as they pass through the rain clouds and get sprinkled over
the blades of grass covering my backyard. A wave of euphoria fills me
after I take a deep breath and smell the wet concrete and soil that Ive
enjoyed since my childhood. A scene flashes through my mind of my
dad pushing me around on my electric Tonka truck so that I can go
faster than the motor will allow. My hair is still a bright hazel color and
Im screaming, Faster, faster! -- wearing denim overalls and some
ridiculous t-shirt picked out by my older sisters.
Im snapped out of my trance as I see my dad outside taking a
puff from his cigarette and exhaling, standing up slowly, and putting
out the butt on the clay bricks surrounding our odd assortment of
roses, daffodils, and Asian fruits. He tosses the butt into an empty
 Diep 7

bottle of Heineken, which I smile at because I know that the small

emerald bottle must have taken my dad at least two dinners to finish.
Dad comes back into the house and I open the sliding door so
that my old man can take shelter from the rain while I head out. Its the
best kind of rain out here. Not too dense where Im getting
uncomfortably soaked, but a little stronger than a sprinkle so that I can
enjoy the feeling of each drop tapping my face as I look up towards the
amber clouds. I grab myself a seat on dads smoking chair under the
roof of our shed to see what he sits out here and stares at all the time.
The first thing I notice is the plethora of aromas coming from the
garden: the jasmine flowers that sit outside the window of my parents
bedroom, the guava fruits waiting to be picked and enjoyed with salt
and Sriracha, and the lush persimmons that have become too ripe and
have fallen from their tree. The sharp tone of my moms voice cuts
through this moment of peace as she shrieks for me to come in for
dinner before I get sick. Happily, I jolt up and back to the door where
she has a soft, warm towel ready for me to dry off my hair. The pitter-
patter of the rain is replaced by the crackling of oil on a pan in the
kitchen as I slide the door shut. Mom finishes plating the dish, and Dad,
Grandpa, and I huddle around the dinner table and enjoy our favorite
time of the day.
Matthew is Hebrew for, gift of God. As I look around the dinner
table, I see God in my parents, my grandpa, and the delicious thit kho--
caramelized pork belly with boiled eggs-- in front of me. I wouldnt be
alive if they had given up on me back then. Despite the immense pain I
brought to this household, all I see is joy in their faces. My name does
not imply that I am Gods gift to others, but it is a constant reminder of
Gods gift to me, these people right here. A goofy smile shoots across
my face and my mom asks, Son what are you smiling about? Is a girl
texting you or what? I laugh and joke back, Yeah mom, TONS. My
dad hushes me and plops a piece of thit kho in my bowl of rice, which I
 Diep 8

take as an escape route from my moms question and scarf down

immediately. I finish the delicious fatty piece of pork and look up to my
family.

I love you guys.