ARCHETYPES NOTES

General Thoughts
The concept itself is an interesting one. Schizophrenia and
hallucinations are things that certainly invoke fear in people, so
because of their prevalence in the story, they allow for a lot of
mystery and a compelling twist. Mental illness itself is of course
the actual villain, and I think keeping that reveal for the very
end was a solid choice that helped keep tension throughout.

The characters are well developed, in that they perfectly

represent each of the internal archetypes.

The pacing is great. We never stay in one place for too long,
which I appreciate in a psychological mystery/suspense film.

The purple theme throughout is a nice touch. The reveal that The
Color Purple is a favorite book for both Asha and Rameses did
sort of give away the truth that ALL of them are indeed the
archetypes of ONE of them, but I will admit that we had yet to
know who the ONE was. Of course Asha was the main character so I
assumed it would end up being her, but I dont think it was TOO
obvious. I would get some other opinions on this though. Maybe ask
others who read it answer the question: Did you realize they were
archetypes of Asha before Rameses killed himself?

You are missing a few details that could tie things together. For
instance, the stuff with the parents. Really spell out the
parental relationship within one of the flashbacks. And also maybe
consider adding another flashback that further perpetuates the
idea that Mr. Burai is evil and/or could have killed Kali. That
will make the end scene, with Kali standing beside Chanda and Mr.
Burai while Asha is writhing around in a mental institution that
much stronger. It will chill us to the bones when we learn the
truth that Asha was the one with the mental illness all along.

Another way to heighten the suspense, would be to flashback to the

party where Ryan and the other jocks rape them more often. You
could easily input a nightmare moment with Asha so we see that it
is something that she thinks about a lot. Right now we only see it
once so it doesnt feel impactful enough to have caused her to
break mentally, you know?

The moment with Mary and Luno
callback to the Ryan and jock
the connection until the end,
really great way to allude to
the head with it.
and his alien friends is a great
moment at the party. I didnt get
and now Im like Wow! It is a
the ending, without hitting us over

My only QUESTION is, is Kali even real? Were they really twins? Or
is Kali just another archetype of Asha? My instinct is that she
 2.

never really existed since we have Professor Hakim killing a

fictional daughter, it would make sense that Asha killed a
fictional twin sister. Im sure on a second read Id have the
intended answer, unless maybe you wanted it to feel open-ended
like that, in which case you were successful in doing so!

Formatting, etc.
There are a lot of formatting errors throughout. My Premium
Evaluation would have included all of that, but just know that you
definitely have to clean it up in terms of formatting and
grammar/spelling. Nothing major, as you obviously understand how
to write action and dialogue, and how to jump from one time and
place to another, but there is still a lot of little details to
fix up.

Another thing I noticed, is there isnt a lot of scene

description. The script is only 77 pages, and while I dont think
youre missing very much in the way of story, there is definitely
room for you to color it up and really describe what were looking
at. Every time we enter a new scene, show us what we see. Help us
to visualize it. If you did that at the top of every scene, youd
really add a lot in the way of page count and overall
visualization of the story. Create the world that you want us to
experience.

For instance, when you do INT. CAFE, you could easily add to the
scene by describing something like this:

INT. CAFE - DAY

Asha, now 25, is tucked away in the corner of a busy cafe. She
sips tea from a ceramic mug, her eyes fixated on her laptop.

On the screen we see: PhD Thesis, Jungian Archetypes, and

beneath that her name.

Specific Notes Of Things That Jumped Out

Page 1 - ASHA and KALI should be capitalized during the quick

flash since that is the first time we see them. Their gender
should also be included. Something like ASHA MORAN and her twin
sister KALI, both 17...

This also means that on page 2 when we see Asha in the cafe, we
dont need it to be capitalized, and no description about her
being the twin of Kali, since we already know that. However you
can say, Asha, now 25, is writing on her laptop...

Page 2 - Put Flashback above the INT. GRADUATION CEREMONY. In

fact, if you type Flashback to: itll align right which is
probably the best way to format a flashback
 3.

Try not to use so many parentheticals within the dialogue. It

comes across sometimes as directing on the page, or too
expositional. The dialogue itself should for the most part tell us
what the emotion is behind each word, so unless it feels like it
doesnt come across try not to use them.

Page 7 - is Burai their father? If so introduce him that way. It

is confusing what their relationship is to him presently.
Especially since their last name is MORAN, but he is Mr. Burai.

Page 26 - the silence from the group after learning that Kali is
dead isnt strong enough. We need to see a strong reaction from
them. I mean, if these are schizophrenics lets see them have a
visceral reaction that represents their mental state. Another
option is to simply move Cains dialogue where he quotes
Revelations to right after the Professor says I assure you this
is no joke. The asking of permission to sit in seems too quick of
a jump, so if you cut those lines from Asha and the Professor, you
have a real moment between Asha and the schizophrenics that hits.

Page 27 - GREAT LINE by Peaches about the butcher knife. Ha!

Page 30 - I almost forgot John was there, until he looked to Asha

at the end of this page. Try to insert a few lines of dialogue
between he and Asha throughout. Maybe quietly they talk to each
other while they walk toward the back to smoke? Something like
that. Right now, John represents safety to Asha because hes a
detective and lives in her reality, whereas the schizophrenics
live in their own reality. So we need to be reminded that John is
there!

Page 50 - at the top, the dialogue exchange that begins with

Cains Devil you have won gives the feeling at first that they
are finished having sex. So a quick little action to describe her
on top of him or something lets us know its still going on. I
had to re-read it after I got to them climaxing, because only then
did I realize they were still in the throes of it.

Page 57 - after Professor Hakim proclaims that he is a murderer,

we need to feel Ashas terror and/or anger. Obviously her first
thought must be that he killed Kali, so lets have a big reaction.

Page 65 - This is the first time I realized that Chanda is Ashas

mother. It is never clearly stated and so the whole time I assumed
she was like Pilar, in that she was a servant/maid of sorts.