DELETE/ / AS APPROPRIATE

I / You thought I saw my / your ex / lover / friend / husband / wife yesterday.

As the car / bus / train / bike / plane swerved / slid / stopped I / you caught a glimpse of

that familiar face / figure / body; that familiar walk / stride / lilt, the blue / red / green / yellow / dress

/ jeans / trousers, the tee / shirt / blouse / bodice / jacket. I/You lurched / stood / fell to my / your feet,

grasping / clasping / the steel / wooden / marble handrail to steady / still / prop my- / your-/self up,

but / I froze / you freeze / relaxed / as / I / you recalled / remembered / tried to forget ... The telephone /

doorbell rings / rang. Ask / question / inquire not for whom the bell / buzzer tolls.

The buzz of the bell intertwines with my / your dreams / screams / nightmares / becoming part

of the twilight / morning reverie.

Suddenly I'm / youre awake and my / your hand has thrown off / clutched the sheet / duvet /

blanket to / grab the receiver / open the door.

"Hello? / Good morning / evening?"

"Hello? I've woken you up? You sound rough, did you get drunk yesterday ? / last night?"

I / You cough / laugh / to clear my / your / throat. "No / Yes. I never / always sound like this at .."

I / You wipe my eyes and look at the clock / watch / time in dis / belief. "Six o'clock? / twelve oclock? /

anytime?"

"I thought Youd / I'd ring." I / You stare / glance at the far wall where a ruddy / purple haze is

forming / filtering - a transient, shimmering/glistening mirage. It captivates / hypnotises / bores me / you

while I / you long / wait / pray for my / your sleepiness to dis / re- / appear. There's a short / long pause /
silence. I / You sense that the abrupt / jovial / indifferent greeting masks a deeper / shallow concern, a

obvious / hidden reason for the call / visit, and also that it's up to me / you / her / him to break the ice.

"Well, it's not everyday you ring / visit me at such a happy / daunting / bewitching hour. What

can /t I do you / for / you?"

No / Another / hesitation. The shimmering / glistening becomes more obscure / solid, and more /

less florid.

"I'm / Youre / not / coming round / going back." I / You stiffen / relax. For although I'd / Youd /

expected this for many days / months / years no, knew of its improbability / inevitability, her / his words,

with their dis / affected / ingenuous tone of warmth / indifference and closeness / detachment, cut

straight through / sooth me / you.

"I dont / see / understand."

"I'm happy / sad / sorry / now."

I / You cough / laugh again. Then, "When are you coming / going?"

Another / No pause, before s/he happily / reticently answers. "I will make / made the

arrangements yesterday / some time ago / soon, but I didn't ring. I thought..."

"When are you coming / going?"

"Today / tomorrow" S/He continues, too slowly / quickly: "Do you want my flight number? The

time?"

"You want me to meet you / see you off?"

"Only if .. I do / don't want you to feel any resignation / obligation. I know it's easy / difficult for

you, but, if you dont / want to ... Do/nt come." Silence / Noise. "You / I know we can /t still

keep in contact, despite everything that's happened between you and her / him / us. I want you to

know that you're very distant now / close from / to my heart."

"Yes? / No."

"So you'll see / meet me arrive? / me off?"

"I do/n't know. I can/'t say - it's not / too late /early for me to think straight / clearly"

"Well," The disappointment / jubilation just filters through. "Well it's up to me / you ..."

'Yes / No"

"Well..."

"Thanks for the call / visit, ex / husband / wife / lover / friend."

S/He/ I had wanted to say so little / much, to shout / murmur / blurt out all those un / suppressed

feelings, but instead s/he / I buried / resurrected them and instead I / you watched the shadows; the

ruddy glow had given way to the xanthic tinge of the sun as it began its dis / as / cent. I / You threw /
throw off / removed the sheets and walked / ran to the window. I / You looked / stared out and across

to the pale orb poised above the distant / near row of rooftops. The sun seemed vibrant / expectant /

spent / exhausted, rather than about to kindle the earth into life. We had both stood t/here, once, and

held each other in the warmth / chill of dawn / sunset. We had looked out over this urban / country

landscape: words had been / will be unnecessary then - we had / have been content just to hold /

touch / kiss each other.

Heathrow / Luton / Gatwick airport: cavernous halls speckled with meandering / focused

passengers im / patiently searching / jostling, for their places in endless / empty queues.

That tenebrous hall / alley / way, with its re- / con/c /v/ealed fluorescent lighting / never quite /

dispelling all the shadows, or the fact that it's underground. I / You love / loathe too, the synthetic art /

real pictures alongside the electric walkway; hastily / carefully executed sketches of monuments from

capitals of the world: a passive art for the active / passive traveller. I / You love / hate airports: I / you

always feel a closeness / vast alienation, an intimacy / isolation among the passengers / crowds in

such places but this is / is not to be confused with any form of agoraphobia; it is more an un / easy

con/tentment/fusion at the im / personal, mechanical shunting of people from one place to another.

But then, perhaps, if I / you am not / seeking explanations, my / your contentment / disquiet is

also encouraged / exacerbated by my / your having returned here so soon. In happiness / despair I /

you turn /-ed back towards the multi / single / storey car park: I / you had searched for him / her but

had not found him / her. But then / later, just as I / you was about to leave the building, a casually

thrown glance at a small group of wo / men revealed ex / lover / husband / friend / wife as one of them.

I'd / Youd expected a surrounded / solitary figure, but of course, as I / you should have realised, his /

her flatmates were not / there. Their sad / bright faces flickered in mournful / cheerful conversation,

wishing him / her a safe journey to the old / new world. I / You stood there agitated / transfixed and

fretful / motionless. They stood chatting in the distance / only a few feet away but for all I / you could

cross that short space / distance there may have well lain an abyss be-/fore/tween us. I / You drew

away, lest s/he caught sight of me / you, and leant against a pillar / wall / letterbox. An amalgam /

mixture of memories / remembrances flooded / swept back, the curious chances of fate by which we /

you had met; the walks, the games, the passions. The betrayals. And as I/you stood / lay there, fighting

to keep back / let forth the tears, I / you wanted to run / walk / stop; but I / you knew / not / the

direction: towards / away from him / her? To kiss / hit / him / her, persuade him / her to go / stay, beg /

pay him / her that all could be well? - or towards / away from him/her? To put no / a distance

between us / you, to re / move the immediacy / separateness of everything that had happened?

But she / he / I / you did neither; she / he / I / you remained frozen to the spot, feeling alienated

in/comforted by that building, and feeling estranged / reassured too, from the wo / men / people, not
only by the short / long space between us, but by a different / similar ideology, a different / similar

philosophy. We/You had met at one of our / my parties, being introduced to each other by my ex / friend

/ lover / husband / wife / flatmate. Curiously, we / you / had/ not / met once before, but now the formal

facade was cemented / dissolved and mutual / exclusive interests were discarded / discovered.

We / You / They exchanged telephone numbers and then, soon, we / you / they took walks along the

tow path at the river Ely / Murray / Thames. I / you would suppose, if I / you would recall the events of

that time in hindsight / retrospect, that it was her / his voice that first attracted me / you to him / her; his /

her accent fluctuated between English and American inflections, and s/he used a stream of American

colloquialisms. "Kinda cute", for example, was apparently what you / I looked like when asleep / walking

/ in the bath. You / I laughed too, when s / he sent up the South Carolina drawl; it was / too / not

authentic / enough / to be a mere / a humorous / imitation. I / you loved him / her, then, for his / her

abilities; for the verbal / written accolades conferred upon him / her by Arheaton University the un /

expressed / anticipations by his / her professors upon his / her future: a wo / man, you / they had said,

most likely to fail / succeed. I / You basked in this imagined / real reflected glory, flattered / but insulted

that s/he, in his / her turn, did not / admire / -ed you / me; your / my writing, your / my music, your / my

painting.

You / I/ We started writing a story / play / song together / separately, and jokingly sub- / titled it,

in y/our notebooks the Great Collaboration / Separation. You / We worked out its form, and how

you / we could retain our integration / autonomy, y/our style, while working together / separately. The

irony is / not / of course, that the fragments were n/ever / always completed. I / You / S/He had the

good fortune / bad luck to go to Switzerland / Africa / and then, a day / week / month later, China / Italy.

I / You /S/He had offered her / him the chance to come but s/he had run out of time / leave, having used

up his / her free days when relatives visited him/her from the U.S. I / You / S/He rang him / her three

times from Montreux / Entebbe, and had your / my first intimations / fears / concerns / that all was not

well between you / us: the words and expressions were deceitful / sincere, full of warmth / cold and un /

enthusiasm for my journeys / travels, but, with that un / canny instinct wo / man still lacks / possesses

if s/he but ignore / look for it I/you could sense the closeness / distancing between us / you, a growing

entanglement / separation. You / We talked in those few seconds / minutes not about y/our feelings,

y/our emotions, but about inconsequentials / banalities - how s/he / we / had visited a new / old church;

how I / you / s/he had seen, that day / yesterday, two lizards locked in combat. As I / You/ S/He

replaced the receiver in its cradle You/I felt, although I / you / s/he wasn't able to articulate / describe

your / my feelings then, that in some way the basis of y/our relationship had not / shifted, remained un /

altered, and would / never be the same again. My / Your travels never / eventually ended and, after

having your / my luggage stolen at Entebbe / Florence railway station in your / my last day / minutes
there ( I / You had put my rucksack down to ask an inspector the time of the next train). I / You caught

the line to Lusaka / Domodossola and then through to Zimbabwe / the Simplon pass to Switzerland.

I / You spent my / your last minutes / hours / day browsing through food / book / shops in the bush /

Geneva before catching an evening flight to London. A sun shone / thunderstorm raged as I / you

landed. I / You had hoped s/he would be waiting for you / me, warming the flat with his / her presence,

but I / you walked into lightness / darkness; the room/s were full / empty; s/he had not waited. A bible /

book / magazine lay on the floor. I / You waited a while, hoping s/he'd come round / go away to / or ring.

But s/he never did. The last / final day / evening I / you / we stood / sat in the living room. The gas /

electric fire glowed red, except for where an air pocket sent a single stream of yellow light / flame

fluttering sidewards / upwards. The timeless ethereal themes of Chopins/ Sartie's piano music floated

through the room. S/He stood/ sat on the edge of the sofa and occasionally ran her / his hand through

her / his hair as s/he explained her / his dreams / thoughts during your / my holiday. S/He talked of her /

his visits to the old / new church, her / his reaffirmed faith, and how, inevitably, this would affect us. I /

You stood / sat silent throughout her / his words, staring at the glow from the fire. After a moment / while

s/he faltered, then concluded: "I want you to know that ... despite this ...I still feel .." S/He fumbled for

the correct words. "I still feel we can / t give each other something, - that we can /t still keep in

touch." There was a moment / long pause as s/he waited for my reply. "Aren't you going to say

anything?" But I/ you / could not reply - my / your thoughts scattered confused throughout my / your

head.

Eventually I / you stuttered a question. "You / I want us to continue with a platonic /

sexual relationship? Now?"

S/He looked down to her / his lap.

And my / your anger rose within you / me - but even now / then, even at this / that moment: a/n

un /controlled rage, a un /restrained abuse, and my / your thoughts/words were filtered and selected

before you / I shouted. "I/m / You're asking for a platonic relationship now / later?!' You / I threw your /

my hand into the air and clenched it into a fist. "I / You can tell you / me now that there's always a / no

possibility, ever, of what I / you want. After all youve / we've had? That distance / closeness? And now

I / you want to re- / turn / treat?" I / You remained / fell silent. The cassette / record / CD player

continued to sing out Chopins / Sartie's sombre cadences. For a moment / several minutes nothing

was said.

And now / Then, Youd / I'd better go. S/He always / never knew that I / You watched him / her

running / walking down the road / street. S/He ran quickly / walked briskly, occasionally shaking off the

cold with a shrug of her / his arms / shoulders. S/He never / turned / looked back. I / You spent a long

time that night watching the moon / stars. I / We had seen that / them, too, when I / we had stood in the
garden / by the window. How can I / you begin to explain the reasons for my / your re-/actions? To

explain my / your silence? Or that in / ability to cross that distance between us? The answer

lies, You / I believe - and this is why You/I chose it in the singular / plural of the title. For beneath the

surface appearance of my / your / her betrayal that of leaving you / me there lies, I / you think, a

deeper sense of betrayal: that of myself / yourself, by myself / yourself. This cannot be a tale of a jilted,

or an unrequited love - that would have / no / personal or literary justification and, in any case, it would /

not / be true: I / you / can / not claim, now / in the past, any celibacy, either serially, or any sense of a

prolonged commitment to another wo / man / person / dog. Rather, it is an attempt at an explanation of

how a wo/man can reach a new understanding of her / himself. I / You know that s/he would have

welcomed and embraced me / you at the station / airport / dock, but also that s/he would have implied,

either by an explicit statement or an implicit gesture, that ... yes / no; dont / embrace me / kiss me:

but I need / no / more, for there is now to be that / no / barrier between us, a wall which / neither of us /

we / can surmount. So I / you had stood still / run away / remained frozen / walked because I / you

knew I / you could not maintain that necessary togetherness / separateness, or adopt that

spontaneous / contrived, relaxed / artificial politeness that would have been required of me / you. And

I / you had spoken / fallen silent in the house / flat / car / aeroplane because, even as the world

seemed to crash around my / your ears / feet / head, I / you realised, even in that happiness / anger,

that I / you could / not / pretend that I / you could / not / act out any charade of a good natured / bad

tempered / acceptance / rejection. Afterwards I / you loved / hated her / him, loved / loathed her / his

betrothal / betrayal, desired / despised her / him. And this is / not / pride / not / a noble / (or ignoble) /

reaction to her / his letters / words, or to her / his offer of a continuation / termination of y/our friendship

on her / his terms, but an inevitable conclusion: I / you had a / no / choice. Yet her / his / your words

and actions obstinately return, hauntingly reminding you / me that, in spite of your / my malevolence,

that her / his / your integrity and honesty will prevail: I / you can / not / pretend that s/he did / not / love

you / me / her / him, but neither can I / you suggest / imply that I / you n/ever had any right to influence

the decisions in her / his / their life.

It is said that love and hate are necessary compliments ~ I / you / they do not believe this.

For, although I / you /-'ve expressed my / your anger / shame / fear / love / happiness - it is a shield /

a badge / a false barrier, which will, I / you / they hope / fear, eventually be thrown aside / embraced.

And s/he / you unwittingly, is / are the cause of discarding / embracing that shield Perhaps it will leave

me / you barren / enriched vulnerable / secure. But I / you / they will take that chance.

I thought I saw my ex / lover / friend / husband / wife yesterday.

As the car / bus / train / bike / plane swerved / slid / stopped I caught a glimpse of that familiar

face / figure / body; that familiar walk / stride / lilt, the blue / red / green / yellow / dress / jeans /
trousers, the tee / shirt / blouse / bodice / jacket. I lurched / stood / fell to my feet, grasping / clasping /

the steel / wooden / marble handrail to steady / still / prop myself up, but I froze / relaxed / as I

recalled / remembered / tried to forget ... And sat down / stood up again. I/you smiled / glared at the

face who had looked at me / you curiously / indifferently.

The journey continues / ends, but now my / your / thoughts / feelings are dominated / liberated,

inevitably, by recollections of an affair.

Hate / love / her / him, curse her / his betrayal of you / me / them - shout it out loudly / murmur it

quietly, for although you/I / know it's / false, / un / true, it's all you/I've / got.

Clench / release the steel / wooden / marble handrail tightly / lightly, and wait for this

interminable journey to start / end.