Volu m e 48A | Issu e 14 | M on , 7/ 19/ 17
Th e Squ i r r el s St r i k e AGAI N!
Last Week Of Cam p
By Fr eya
Hello cam per s! This w eek is the
last w eek of the fir st session of
CRCAP. If you?r e com ing to the
second session of cam p, aw esom e!
If not, so sor r y for you. Ther e is
alw ays next sum m er. Anyw ay, the
last w eek is w hen you have to
finish all your w or k fast because
it?s only a w eek .
THE SHORTEST ARTI CLE I N DD
(NOT DUNKI N?DONUTS) HI STORY
BY OSCAR WALLENSTEIN
A So, lock your door s and w indow s, dear people. Buy food
W hy CRCAP Needs Dor i t os
By Anthony Bor r elli
Last year w hen w e w er e
hungr y, w e w ould go dow n to the
cafeter ia to gr ab a snack . We still
can, but w e can?t have chips! Those
w er e the good days. We used to
have dor itos. Fr uit?s tasty and all,
but w her e is the gr eat taste of nacho
cheese or cool r anch? It?s GONE!
So, you?ve all hear d the
saying ?An apple a day keeps the
doctor aw ay? but m aybe a dor ito a
day keeps the doctor aw ay. You
never know ! So all of you out ther e,
LET?S BRING BACK DORITOS!
By Raluca
Hello! Today I am her e to tell you som ething you should
know for your ow n good: squir r els ar e actual dem ons. I don?t
even under stand how this happens, but it seem s like som e sor t
of squir r el gang w as for m ed ar ound my house and ever y tim e
they have the chance to enter the house, they do it effor tlessly!
So, I should star t my stor y about how squir r els can r uin lives.
Let?s star t!
I w as just ar r iving hom e fr om cam p. After a long day of
hear ing cow bells and Walker talking w ay too m uch (as usual);
after the r eally aw kw ar d m om ents that take place betw een
per iods w hen you say ?Hello? to som ebody and they don?t say
anything back because they don?t r ealize you ar e talking to
them because you ar e so shor t no one notices you. So you get
it, a nor m al day at cam p! I w as about to say ?I sur vived another
day!?, w hen I saw it! The m ess! I appr oached the disaster
slow ly and car efully as I w as feeling m or e and m or e tense by
the second. The bags w er e scr atched and the clothes w er e
ever yw her e, but looking even closer I saw her m otivation: my
bag of M &M s w as destr oyed. At fir st I w as confused, but an
idea cr ossed my m ind. Just to be sur e, I looked at the w indow.
M y eyes w er e w ide open- as I w as looking at the m ost ter r ible
thing that is my pr oof for this stor y. The scr een w as chew ed!! I
fr eaked out! They w er e not only attacking the house but now
they w er e attacking my r oom ! I locked the w indow and
cleaned up as I w as thinking about ever ything that just
happened.
supplies and hide them as w ell as you can for the apocalypse,
the ter r or , is upon us. I hope this w ill be my last update on the
Squir r els. Pr ay for m e!
M i n i r an t s
Lily Br inkm an and Kaia Robinson
1) I hate people that scr ape their knives on a plate. Yeah, that
m akes m e w ant to scr eam .
2) I hate people that lie a lot. I especially hate people that lie to
their par ents. Your par ents ar e the people that car e about you
so just don?t lie.
3) I hate people that alw ays say ?like my r ecent?because w hy
should the am ount of likes m atter. That?s like saying you need
people to com plim ent you to be happy.
4) I hate w hen my hair tie tr ies to destr oy my hair.
5) I hate Tr oian Bellisar io?s fake br itish accent. Cr ingey.
6) I hate w hen people show up to your house unexpectedly.
7) I hate w hen people think M ar tha the dog is actually ugly.
8) I hate w hen I take a bite out of a sandw ich and all off the
peanut butter and jelly spills out
9) I hate having no plan for the day.
10) I hate w hen people tar get you by sending r ude snaps.
?Fact s? Abou t t h e US Pr esi den t s i n Or der
By Roxanne Glassenber g
- Geor ge Washington w asn?t toothless, he had
double r ow s of teeth w hich he shar pened to
deadly points.
- John Adam s w as actually an intr icately designed
puppet contr olled by Geor ge Washington.
- Thom as Jeffer son?s favor ite food w as spleen
pudding and kidney beans.
- Jam es M adison w as our nation?s shor test
pr esident at thr ee and one half inches on his
tippy toes.
- Jam es M onr oe w as an accom plished bass
guitar ist, and had his ow n band, ?M onr oe and the
Oar sm en.?
- John Quincy Adam s w as, to date, our only
half-puppet com m ander -in-chief.
- Inter estingly enough, Andr ew Jackson never left
office and is still technically pr esident. They haul
his cor pse out ever y few w eeks for cabinets
m eetings and a m anicur e.
- M ar tin Van Bur en w as the dr um m er for Jam es
M onr oe?s band. He m ade m utton chops the
hottest hair style of the m id-to-late eighteen
thir ties.
- W illiam Henr y Har r ison w as tucked into bed
and r ead a stor y ever y night.
- John Tyler w ent thr ough an em o phase in the
eighteen teens.
- Jam es K. Polk had a habit of going up behind
people, poking them , and yelling, ?You just got
Poked!? and then r unning off, giggling.
- Zachar y Taylor w as the com eback tour m anager
for ?M onr oe and the Oar sm en.?
- M illar d Fillm or e w ent by M illie Ann, and w as
the only pr esident ever to give his inaugur al
addr ess in dr ag.
- Jam es Buchanan star ted the USA?s ver y fir st
polyester m useum . It closed after thr ee year s.
- Fr anklin Pier ce?s idol w as Hogw ar ts Pr ofessor
Sever us Snape.
- Abe Lincoln w as all of the follow ing: a hair less
cat, Nor w egian, a fem ale, a Nazi, a suppor ter of
slaver y, and the pr esident of the confeder acy.
- Fun fact: the fir st CRCAP dir ector w as
seventeenth pr esident Andr ew Johnson
- Ulysses S. Gr ant?s r eal nam e w as Walker
Ander son VII! * Gasps*
- Ruther for d B. Hayes w as m ade out of r ubber.
Tr ue stor y.
- Jam es A. Gar field?s thir d cousin w as Gar field the
cat.
- Chester A. Ar thur had the W hite House?s finest
and fir st m old gar den. It w as under neath an ar m
chair in the Red Room .
- Gr over Cleveland w as distantly r elated to Gr over
fr om Sesam e Str eet.
- Benjam in Har r ison designed elabor ate
labyr inths and tr ied to have one installed
beneath the r ose gar den. Ther e?s a r um or that it?s
still ther e.
- W illiam M cKinley w as an over sized cabbage.
- Teddy Roosevelt had tw o heads- one on the fr ont
and one on the back . The second one w as
W illiam How ar d Taft. Or Voldem or ts?! Idk .
- W illiam How ar d Taft gr ew out of the back of
Teddy Roosevelt?s head. Also, he w as Voldem or t.
- Our fir st unicor n pr esident? Woodr ow W ilson!
- War r en Har ding had a belly button pier cing.
- Calvin Coolidge w as the ver y fir st judge for the
Past-Pr esident?s Chopped Challenge. Benjam in
Har r ison w on w ith a sim ple kale salad w ith
w alnuts and a r aspber r y vinaigr ette.
- Her ber t Hoover w as him self a vacuum cleaner.
- Fr anklin Roosevelt w as into death m etal.
- Har r y S. Tr um an w as polydactyl. (He had like
tw elve toes).
- Dw ight Eisenhow er ?s r ole m odel w as Cr uella
DeVille.
- JFK had a tattoo of a r ever se m er m aid (head of
fish, body of a w om an) tattooed on his back .
- Lyndon Johnson's toupee w as m ade out of Dw ight
eisenhow er.
- Richar d Nixon w as, in past lives, a m uppet, a
tr uck dr iver , and a piece of aspar agus.
- Ger ald For d w as one-four th sedan.
- Jim my Car ter w as the fir st pr esident to r ock
m er m aid hair.
- As an actor , Ronald Reagan star r ed in m any
sum m er shor ts videos.
- Geor ge Bush w as a topiar y.
- Bill Clinton?s favor ite food w as Lucky Char m s in a
bow l of tom ato soup.
- Geor ge H. W. Bush?s w ool is w oven into sw eater s
for the tr oops.
- Bar ack Obam a has an exoskeleton cover ed in
hum an skin and m ade out of m elon r inds.
- Donald Tr um p is a peach w ith som e odd m old
spouting on it...oh w ait, that?s tr ue!
Qu est i on s #5
By Calvin Kocher and Stephen Fitzpatr ick
How will the world end?
Elon M usk is alr eady w or king on this. He
is an alien. His plan is to utilize his SpaceX
pr ogr am to extinguish the sun. As w e ar e
speaking he is filling up a r ocket w ith a
w ater bor on com pound. Elon w ill thr ust
the r ocket into the sun using the
har nessed pow er of solar ener gy. This w ill
r each the sun in 2019 and r elease the
w ater to extinguish the sun. W ithout the
sun?s pow er , it cannot w ield the pow er of
gr avity, causing the sun to fall dow n to
ear th and destr oy ever yone and
ever ything on it, except for Elon M usk,
that silly alien.
How do I access the dark web?
The only w ay to access the deep w eb is
w ith the incognito tab in Google Chr om e.
Once you have an open incognito tab, you
need to plug in a USB w ith dar k m atter in
it. The USB w ill set up m any applications
like ?illegal Lego? building techniques?
and ?r obux gener ator s?. M y per sonal
favor ite is the ?illegal ner f gun m ods?.
* Editor?s note: This a work of fiction.
Th e Al pacal ypse Dest r u ct i on Fi l e
By Gr iffin Atw ood
Read this at your ow n r isk . You have been
w ar ned
Nico Di Angelo has said that the
alpacalypse is star ting. HE?S RIGHT! For
pr oof, LOOK UP ALPACALYPSE M EM ES.
The alpacalypse star ted w hen the ice
cr eam shar pening guy w ould not let the
alpacas get shar pened ice cr eam , so M ar ia
and Alpaca Num ber 1 have star ted the
alpacalypse ! They ar e going to steal ever y
shar pened ice cr eam they can find and
kill ever y hum ane sour ce they can!!!!! As I
said befor e,
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! NICO AND I (i
still have to pass the test) ARE PART OF
THE ALPACA ARM Y!!!!!!!!!!
p.s this w as supposed to be r eally big and
have a r eally cool font but unfor tunately I
m ay not use the font
 8-Year -Olds

By t h e
Ph ot oj ou r n al i sm
Cl ass

I n t er v i ew w i t h Lu ca:

W hat is your favorite TV show? Han n ah i n t er v i ew s Nassar

-I don?t have one.
Favorite TV show?
W hat is the coolest thing you have PBS kids
ever done?
-Par asailing and sw im m ing w ith Favorite camp class?
dolphins. Gam e On

W hat is your favorite area at camp? W hat?s your coolest camp experience?
- I don?t r eally know. Looking for natur e.

Do you have a favorite lunch or Do you go to lunch bunches?

dessert?
- I br ing lunch, but my favor ite
lunch to br ing is M ac and Cheese.
And I like to have the popsicles
they give out.
I w ent to one. It w as w ith Nellie
Have you been in the noontime show? W hat did you
do?
I have been in the noontim e show and I w as
playing the dr um s.

Have you ever been in the noontime
show, if not, do you want to be?
-No and no.
How do feel about the end of camp?
-I w ill pr obably feel tir ed.
W hat is your favorite festival
offering?
-Playing w ith Olive. But it?s a secr et
festival offer ing.
Do you have any summer plans?
-Going to Cape Cod.
Do you want to be in the noontime show more?
Yes it w as fun
W hat?s your favorite festival period offering?
M onster s eat m onster m eat.
Do you go to both sessions? If not what will you do
with the free time?
Only this session then I'm going to Jam aica
Have you found any new talents?
I lear ned how to play Wallball
Have you been to Festival Day before?
No. I am excited.
vs. 15-Year -Olds
I n t er v i ew w i t h Ju l i a:
Do you have a coolest camp
experience?
-Being in the noontim e show
w ith the Acapella gr oup.
Do you have a favorite place at
camp?
-Under the Tent!
I n t er v i ew w i t h Ceci l l a:
Do you have a favorite place
at camp?
-Textiles Suite.
How long have you been at
camp?
-This is my eighth year.
Do you have a favorite meal
at camp?
-I can?t choose!
I n t er v i ew w i t h W i l l :
W hat is the coolest thing
you?ve ever done?
-Pr obably going to Afr ica.
W here is your favorite area
at camp?
-Tent Stage
Have you ever been in the
Noontime Show, if not, do
you want to be?
-M or e tim es than I can
count, also I w ould like to
be in it again.
W hat is your favorite kind of
art?
-Clay.
How do you feel about the
end of camp?
-I?ve been her e for a good, 5
year s. And I have been r eally
happy, but I w on?t go back .
So this m akes m e sad.
Have you found new talents
at camp?
-Sew ing and singing.
Do you have a favorite dessert at
camp?
-Chipw iches!
Have you taken one same class
every year?
-CRCAP Runw ay 7 tim es!
Do you have an embarrassing
moment from camp?
-Once I w as at M aking Collages
[festival offer ing] and I thr ew
up.
How do you feel about the end of
camp?
-Extr em ely sad.
W hat is your favorite Festival
offering so far?
-M addie evicting people.
Do you have a most
embarrassing moment from
camp?
-W hen I cut my ar m and it w as
bleeding ever yw her e!
Do you have any other summer
plans?
-Just cam p.
Dozen s of I n n ocen t Cl ay Bow l s Dest r oyed For
En t er t ai n m en t Pu r poses
By AnoNYm OuS777 (Ben Cr able)
Dur ing the Noon Tim e Show on July 14, the Clay
Class had an act w her e they shatter ed DOZENS
of INNOCENT clay bow ls, just for our
enter tainm ent! This is a sim ilar issue to how
TINA sm ashes their guitar as a for m of ?ar t?.
This is unnatur al cr uelty to clay cr eations
ar ound the w or ld, and setting a bad exam ple for
our kids that destr oying clay bow ls is ok . We
have to stop this. We m ust stand up to the clay
class and dem and an apology fr om the Clay
Class to the m illions of innocent clay bow ls that
saw these clay bow ls sm ashed to pieces. This is
another r epor t by your w ell know n but not
unknow n w r iter.
Dem on s Am on g Us!
By Henr y Thacher
I?m Henr y Thacher , and I?m r epor ting on how
ther e ar e dem ons am ong us. At the Noontim e
Show , they docum ented their m agical pow er s,
using the Anim ation class as a fr ont for their
ow n m agical pur poses. Be on the lookout; they
can m ake them selves look like or dinar y hum an
beings. We believe they ar e r esponding to a
signal sent out by Walker , w hom they sent up to
the hum an lands m any year s ago. They have
been w aiting for him to send out a signal that
m eans w e ar e disor ganized enough that they
can safely sur face. Their actual pur pose is as yet
unknow n. This is Henr y Thacher , signing out.
Editor?s Note: We are impressed by Henry?s use
of ?whom? correctly in this article.
Li gh t n i n g Rou n d Jou r n al i sm
By Jacob Gr assi
I?m out of Ideas now. So I?m going to get
other people to w r ite this ar ticle. But her e?s
the catch. Ever yone has 60 seconds. And that
60 seconds star ts as soon as they?ve r ead this
par agr aph. And w hatever they w r ite is going
in the Daily Double as is, w ith no gr am m ar
cor r ections. Star t.
M ichael: M y favor ite color is gr ey. Gr ey goes
w it anything and i think it per fectly
com plem ents my eyes. ;) I live in Roslindale
and its danger ous to live ther e, i live next to
this r ussian cur ch and things get m ad sus. !!
{Tim e?s Up!}
Oscar : bananas ar e aw esom e!!!! I like dr um s!
Jacob could you count slow er please!!!! Fish
cow s icecr eam bang done. {Tim e?s Up!}
Gr iffin: i r eally like the class cr eepy cr eatur es
aloooooooooot
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I also like com ic gr aphic novel and daily
double tim es up {Tim e?s Up!}
Leila: I have no idea w hat to w r ite about so I
think I am going to just star t w r ityeing about
how it feels, ner ve w r acking. And that is just
about it because my tim e is alm ost up.
Ahhhhhhhhh! {Tim e?s Up!}
Ben: Ho i jhave no vlye w shat to eit eabout so
my spelling i'll be as bafd as possible as a joke
ops so cj=i'll xcho;;cho;;;chioll plzzz.alsos, I
illike m aens. I am aualeoaiaior am dom w or ds.
I am r eally out of ideas. If you see this copied
it w as calvin kocher w atch out plzzzzz {Tim e?s
Up!}
So those w er e ever yone?s 60 second
ar ticles done w ith no pr epar ation or tim e to
pr oofr ead. But don?t think you?r e safe just
because your editing this ar ticle, Walker. You
have 60 seconds. Star t.
Walker : This is r eally str essful. I?m just tr ying
to get the Daily Double together and now
Jacob puts m e on the spot like this! Well
played, Jacob. Well played. This is a ver y
funny idea for an ar ticle and I?m a fan, though
I w onder if anyone actually r ead all the w ay to
the end of this ar ticle.
Hou se of Sn aps: Com par i n g t h e Sn apch at Soci al Com e t o Pr obl em M an agem en t Du r i n g
Hi er ar chy t o Pol i t i cs Fest i val Per i od
By Gr ace Gor don By Rose Kor itz and the Pr oblem M anagem ent
Cr ew
Snapchat : Ever yone?s favor ite social m edia
app. Politics: CNN?s Favor ite Subject.m How ar e Do you w ant to have fun and talk about your
they r elated, you ask? It?s a closer r esem blance pr oblem s and have fun dur ing Festival Per iod?
than you think . Fir stly, you could ar gue that If you do, com e to the Theatr e of the Absur d
snapchat is all about claw ing your w ay to the top r oom dur ing Festival Per iod, and tell us your
in the w or ld of getting left on open (editor ?s note: pr oblem s! Pr oblem s include anything, fr om
w e don?t know w hat this m eans, but Gr ace assur es angr y pets to cr azy fr iends! This w ill be a lot of
us that if you ar e dow n w ith the kids and you fun!
snapface and instachat you w ill know.) and
m aintaining str eaks. Holding your ow n am ongst
hundr eds of your fr iend?s acquaintance's
W h at Does B.I .G. f r om B.I .G. gen er al Spor t s
acquaintances can get challenging. How ar e you to
St an d For ?
know w hat filter to use? W hat w ill you do to
By M ar ia
change the public?s opinion of you once you lose
your longest str eak? The answ er is sim ple: br iber y,
solicitation, lies, blackm ail, and cor r uption. If you have B.I.G. or w alked past the Activity
Well, that escalated ver y quickly, you say. building (that has a BIG banner ) you pr obably
Well you?r e r ight. It?s on YOU to keep that house not taught about it, but people like m e did and
fr om falling dow n, that one car d that alw ays caves. for those people I am her e to think about 10
Your fr iend Alyssa, w ith w hom you have a blue possibilities of w hat it m eans.
hear t, an octopus, and a pizza em oji, is off to 1. Bor ing Inter national Ger m s
sleepaw ay cam p! Oh no, you had an 120 day str eak 2. Biblical Intelligent Gr andpa
w ith her. How w ill you go on? So m any points 3. Bilingual Inspir ing Gym nast
subtr acted and days of w or k lost, for nothing. How 4. Belated (it m eans late appar ently) Im possible
about your fr iend, Kevin? His extr a-cur r icular Gecko
activity is coding. You have plenty of scr eenshots to 5. Beheaded Ignited Gnu
use against him . Tw ist his political m etaphor of an 6. Blur r y Im m or tal Ghost
ar m far behind his political m etaphor of a back 7. Bur nt Innocent Goat
until he hacks into snapchat to add 50 days to all 8. Bow n Illegal Gladiator
your str eaks; ther efor e m aking you the snapchat 9. Big Im aginar y Goal
queen or king of your school. 10. Bubbly Insane Gam er s
Could this be useful in the r eal w or ld too?
W hy, yes. You know Sam antha is w ith Logan, and
Logan is your m ain com petition. You also know
he?s been snapping Jessica behind sw eet, dear
Sam antha?s back . EXPOSE him . M ake sur e
ever yone in the school know s. W ho car es w hat you
have to do? Hir e a pr ivate detective! Call Vladim ir
Putin and team up w ith Kevin and the Coding
Cr ew. You w ill be invincible, bur ning a tr ail of
political fir e thr ough your w hole school DISTRICT.
This br ings m e to the snapm ap. Know
w her e your enem ies ar e at all tim es. Do not only
keep tabs on them in snapchat, know w ho their
fr iends ar e, use Kevin and your infor m ants fr om
the CIA to uncover texts fr om them saying they
w ill be som ew her e else and expose them som e
m or e. Be r elentless. Do not stop until ever yone
either fear s you, is in aw e of you, or w or ships you.
Get r espected by EVERYONE. Never lose a str eak
again, even at the sm all pr ice of a jail sentence
possibly exceeding 2 decades and m any
r estr aining or der s.
W h i ch Pol i t i cal Dr am a ar e you ? Don al d Tr u m p Adv i ce #7
By Gr ace Gor don By Donald Tr um p

Firstly, what is your dream job? * Author?s note* : I?ve been getting lots of
A. Public Relations hate, but just to let you know, I don?t
B. Pr esident actually support Trump?s views on
C. Secr etar y of State basically anything. I?m just running an
D. New s Repor ter advice column. LEAVE M E ALONE!
Anyways?
W hat is your worst trait?
A. I focus on the past too m uch M or e questions w er e asked, so, I?ll
B. I am a com plete and total psychopath answ er !
C. I can?t balance my hom e and w or k life ver y w ell
D. I obsess over one thing w ay too often. Q: Fav sport?
A: M y favor ite spor t is r unning.
W hat is your best trait? Running the countr y, that is. Ha. Ha.
A. I?m successful Ha. Get it? Do you think I?m funny? I
B. I?m so m anipulative it?s scar y do. M any people tell m e I?m a funny
C. I?m know ledgeable in a num ber of differ ent subjects. guy. I think I am , r eally.
D. I?m ver y r eliable.
Q: W ho was your first celeb crush?
How do you plan on getting ahead in the world? A: M y fir st celebr ity cr ush w as Bar bar a
A. I shouldn?t have a pr oblem as long as my past doesn?t Adachi, an Am er ican businessw om an.
r esur face? The w ay she handled m oney and
B. I w ill claw my w ay up the political ladder , taking out business w as ver y, ver y pr ofessional.
w hom ever and w hatever I need to. I w ill lie, sw eet talk,
br ibe, blackm ail, destr oy- I?m getting a little ahead of Q: Do you have pasta with or without
myself, ar en?t I? sauce?
C. I?m happy for now. A: I don?t eat pasta. Tr ying to cut dow n
D. I?m alr eady the best and m ost tr ustw or thy ther e is! on my car bs.

Lastly, W hat is your favorite color? Q: W hy?

A. Red, idk . A: To m ake Am er ica gr eat again. That?s
B. Black like my deep dar k, unr elenting, unfor giving soul. w hy I do ever ything that I do for this
C. A nice, br ight, color. M aybe Pink? countr y.
D. Gr ey, like the color of the tr uth.
Q: Spuped
If you got m ostly A: you ar e Scandal. You have a dar k past A: Um , ok?
and a hopefully br ight futur e, you?r e ver y sassy, and that
can be a good thing and a bad thing? Thanks for the questions, Am er ica!
If you got m ostly B: You ar e House of Car ds. I am Sor r y my answ er s w er e r ather shor t
genuinely scar ed of you. Saying you alw ays get w hat you today, I m ight?ve skipped my bedtim e
w ant is pr obably an under statem ent. You also r eally of 7:30 last night.
r eally r eally need help. Please don?t com e near m e. Ever.
If you got M ostly C: You?r e M adam e Secr etar y. You?r e a
fair ly nor m al per son. I applaud you for that. You?r e r eally
good at thinking outside the box, and super sm ar t.
If you got m ostly D: You ar e CNN. If ther e is anyone w ho
talks 24/7, it?s you. You?r e honest, som etim es br utally so,
and congr ats for being the best new s channel on TV!
If you got a m ix: You ar e Br eitbar t, ther e ar e no w or ds to
descr ibe you at all. Just keep on keepin?on.

Editor?s Note: The Daily Double in no way endorses

Breitbart, a national embarrassment that spews hate-filled
propaganda and retrograde views of the world.
15 Fu n Fact s Abou t M e, a 15 Year Ol d
By Nina Kahn
1. I have a tw in sister : I suppose you have
questions (ever yone does) so I?ll just answ er all of
them r ight now : No, w e ar en?t identical/No, w e
don?t have tw in telepathy/Yes, w e ARE r eally
tw ins/Yes, our par ents can tell us apar t/No, w e
haven?t sw itched classes pr etending to be the
other.
2. I?ve w atched all 7 seasons of Gilm or e Gir ls at
least 6 tim es: I know. It?s a pr oblem .
3. I?m a Ravenclaw , my per sonality type is INFJ,
and I?m an Aquar ius: For a w hile, I thought I w as
a Hufflepuff, but as I?ve gr ow n older I?ve r ealized
my tr ue allegiance. Funnily enough, INFJ is the
r ar est type and Aquar ius is the r ar est sign
#special.
4. I?ve never seen Star War s: Sor r y.
5. The m usical I?ve seen the m ost tim es is
Som ething Rotten!: I?ve seen this show 4 tim es.
Yeah, four. Is that too m any tim es? Per haps, but it
w as w or th it. M y second m ost-seen show is Gr eat
Com et (w hich I?ve seen 3 tim es, and m ight see
again soon). I?m distr aught SR! closed, it w as so
gr eat. Luckily, it?s on tour at the m om ent.
6. I alm ost never cr y dur ing TV show s/m ovies/etc:
I?ve been told I have a cold, dead hear t because of
this. Never cr ied at a m ovie. The only tim es I?ve
cr ied at a TV show w er e at the end of Tw in Peaks
and How I M et Your M other , both because of their
aw ful finales. I?m still r ecover ing.
7. I think they should r eally stop m aking Har r y
Potter spinoffs: Har r y Potter w as my childhood,
and w hat w e had in ter m s of stor ies w as enough.
The 7 books and 8 m ovies w er e fine as they w er e.
None of this is necessar y. Let it r est, JK Row ling,
w e?r e all so tir ed.
8. I once spent over a w eek w r iting an
unnecessar ily long stor y last year in w hich the
counselor s w er e tr apped in a zom bie apocalypse:
This is pr obably the best thing I?ve w r itten at
cam p, m aybe ever. If you w er e her e in 2016
second session, you m ay be fam iliar w ith it.
9. I have a slight addiction to Say Yes to the Dr ess:
Once I star t w atching this show , I can?t stop. It
never ends.
L.N. M oj o vs. Aar on
By Leila
Okay cam per s, thank you for your tim e to w r ite
this pr etty shor t ar ticle on how I think that w e
should vote on M ojo or Aar on. I per sonally
think M OJO. but som e of you m ight be thinking,
AARON. And that is w hy I w ill tr y to convince
you of M OJO, so her e ar e my r easons:
1. M ojo is soooooooooooooooo ador able.
2. M ojo is so sw eet so w hy don?t you give him
the cr edit.
3. M OJO IS AW ESOM E.
So I hope you vote for M ojo in the voting
pocket in the athletic center the day after this
com es out.
10. A m onth later , I?m still upset about the 2017
Tonys: M y nightm ar es becam e r eality the
fateful night of June 11th. I?ll never get those 3
hour s back . I w ish I could.
11. A lot of people have m ixed up m e and one of
my Daily Double colleagues, Roxanne: I?m
pr etty sur e this is just because w e both have
br ow n cur ly hair.
12. M y favor ite m ovies ar e Pan?s Labyr inth,
M oonr ise Kingdom , and The Br eakfast Club:
Please go w atch all of these, they?r e gr eat.
13. I never paint my nails: M y nails ar e far too
shor t. Besides, if I do paint my nails I just pick
the nail polish off the next day.
14. I?ve never br oken a bone or been stung by a
bee: I hope this stays tr ue for a w hile longer.
15. I have no idea w hat to put as my last fact:
w hoops
We Ar en ?t Too Jazzed Abou t Th e 2017 Ton ys an d
Her e?s W hy
By Nina Kahn and Lily Oelkher s
* DISCLAIM ER: This is only our opinion, and w e have
no intent of bashing those w ho disagr ee*
Hi, w e?r e Lily and Nina. We like m usicals. We ar e also
r ecover ing fr om the 2017 Tony Aw ar ds. Let?s just
addr ess the elephant in the r oom r ight aw ay:
Natasha, Pier r e & the Gr eat Com et of 1812 w as
r obbed. We hear you scr eam ing, ?BUT DEAR EVAN
HANSEN IS THE BEST!?!?!!?, w e r eally do, but w e
ar en?t the biggest fans of that show. Although it is
undoubtedly an im por tant show , it has a lot of
pr oblem s (a stor y for another day, per haps), and w e
w er en?t im pr essed by the m usic. It doesn?t sound like
anything new. Not ever y m usical has to have a new
sound, but it has to have som ething fr esh to offer
m usically, w hich, in our opinions, DEH does not. If
you like the show , that?s totally fine, w e just like to
keep it at an ar m ?s length. If you w er e paying
attention to this Br oadw ay season, you w ould
pr obably have seen that the tightest r ace w as
betw een DEH and Gr eat Com et. Gr eat Com et is our
favor ite m usical, w hich of cour se led to a slight bias,
but w e think it should have w on because of how
cr eative, innovative, and or iginal it is. Ther e w as
nothing like it this year , and hasn?t been anything
like it ever. It w as pr aised for ever ything last year ?s
sm ash hit Ham ilton w as (diver sity, unique m usic,
etc), but som ehow , it didn?t w in m or e of its 12
nom inations, only w inning Set and Lighting. We?r e
super happy that they w on those aw ar ds, as they
w er e w ell deser ved, but the show should have w on
so m any m or e. One of the biggest outr ages of the
night for us w as Gr eat Com et?s Dave M alloy losing all
3 of his nom inations (Book, Scor e, and
Or chestr ations) to DEH. Don?t get us w r ong, the
m usic for DEH is nice and all, but it?s just one style:
contem por ar y. The book for DEH w as fine, so w e?r e
okay w ith them w inning, but the m usic aw ar ds
should have gone to Gr eat Com et in our eyes. It
incor por ates at least 4 differ ent styles and sounds,
and som ehow it w or ks so w ell. If you don?t get w hat
w e?r e saying, listen to ?The Duel? and ?No One Else?.
Yep, sam e m usical. The podcast Jim and Tom ic?s
M usical Theatr e Happy Hour m ade a gr eat point that
the w inner of Best M usical should be the show that
not only is, you know , the best, but the m usical that
m ar ks a specific point in the Br oadw ay tim eline.
Gr eat Com et is that show , pushing the boundar ies of
theatr e and show ing the possibilities and r isks w e
can take. Tw o w ins out of 12 nom inations is an
injustice. We could r ant about this for days, but for
the w ellbeing of our editor s, w e w on?t.
-Com e Fr om Aw ay should have w on m or e!
It?s a gor geous m usical, and accor ding to
Nina?s sister , w ho saw it tw ice, it should
have w on best book .
-Nina: I think Stephanie J Block should have
w on Best Featur ed Actr ess for her
per for m ance as Tr ina in Falsettos. I saw
DEH and Falsettos, and as you pr obably
know , Rachel Bay Jones w on the aw ar d for
her r ole as Heidi in DEH. I think her
per for m ance w as spectacular , but Tr ina is
such a dem anding, com plex r ole, and
Stephanie J Block r eally ow ned it. Not to say
Heidi isn?t an inter esting char acter (she
100% is), but playing Tr ina r equir es som e
ser ious guts. All in all, Falsettos should have
w on at least ONE aw ar d. It?s an am azing
show.
-Bette M idler ?s infam ous speech w as
painful. We get it, you?r e fam ous, but like,
m aybe don?t be super obnoxious about it,
Bette.
-Okay okay okay w e DO think Ben Platt
deser ved his Tony. Though w e don?t r eally
like his show , his per for m ance w as
fantastic.
-We have absolutely nothing against Gavin
Cr eel w inning the Tony for best suppor ting
actor. We?r e happy he w on!
Lily: He had a fantastic per for m ance in
Eloise At Chr istm astim e, as my fam ily likes
to r em ind m e. How ever , w e think it is about
tim e Andr ew Rannells w on a Tony. He
som ehow didn't w in a Tony for his
phenom enal per for m ance in Book of
M or m on, and his acting and singing ability
ar e just as highlighted w hen he played
W hizzer in Falsettos. Although I haven't
seen the show (it w ill be show ing in
theater s on July 12 though!!) I have listened
thr ough the soundtr ack m any tim es, and
Nina has seen the show befor e. W ith those
exper iences m ixed together , w e can agr ee
that Andr ew Rannells did an am azing job in
this r ole. If you don't believe us, just listen
to the r evival. You w on't r egr et it.
(Nina: Andr ew Rannells w as
HEARTBREAKING in Falsettos. I hope he
w ins a Tony soon, he?s incr edible.)
(continued from previous page)
-Lily: In gener al, the live Tony
per for m ances w er e pr etty w eak . I think the
gr eatest w eakness m ost of the show s had
w as that they did big solo num ber s,
som etim es fr om the ver y end of the show ,
and w er en't ver y exciting to w atch. The
?Hello, Dolly!?song w as nice, but just
featur ing one char acter isn?t the w ay to go
w hen your show has such star pow er ;
?Waving Thr ough A W indow ? w as a gr eat
highlight of Ben Platt?s singing abilities, and
is one of the only DEH songs that w e think
is honestly good, but it w as a pr edictable
choice and didn't featur e any of the other
nom inees. Kind of a slap in the face to M ike
Faist and Rachel Bay Jones. Can they
PLEASE per for m a differ ent song for once?
And the ?Gr oundhog Day? per for m ance w as
just kind of bor ing and not ver y
m em or able. It w as cute though.
(Nina: I?ve hear d fr om people w ho like
Gr oundhog Day that they chose the w r ong
song to do.)
-The r eal live per for m ance w inner s w er e
Gr eat Com et, Com e Fr om Aw ay, and
Falsettos. We m ay be slightly biased
because those ar e our faves, but com e on,
they w er e the best per for m ances. All of
them w er e ver y char acter heavy,
accentuated fun par ts of the show s, and the
Gr eat Com et per for m ance even br ought in
per haps one of the coolest par ts of the
show : inter action. Due to a contest held
ear lier , lover s of the show 18 and up w er e
w elcom ed to com e up on stage dur ing the
show and sit, egg shaker s and all, just like
the audience does in the show. The cr itics
ar en?t w r ong w hen they say Com et is the
biggest par ty on Br oadw ay. Falsettos and
Com e Fr om Aw ay?s per for m ances w er e nice
uplifts to the ter r ible night, so at least
ther e?s that?
Sh ak espear ean I n su l t s
by Shakespear e aka Oscar
Source for insults 1 through 5:
www.telegraph.co.uk. Source for insults 6 through
10: myself.
WARNING: DO NOT LET ANY CHILD UNDER
EIGHT READ THIS OR ELSE THEY W ILL GO
AROUND SAYING THEM TO EVERYONE THAT
THEY SEE.
(I m ean ser iously, you don?t w ant your little
br other , sister , son, or daughter to tell your best
fr iend or your boss that they ar e a br ainless
m ashed potato.)
#1 Thou elvish-m ar k?d, r ooting hog.
#2 I w ould str ike thee, but I w ould infect my
hands.
#3 Would thou w ouldst explode!
#4 Thou poisonous bunch-backed toad!
#5 Thou hast no m or e br ain than I have in m ine
elbow s.
#6 Thou banana slug!
#7 Thou life is w or thless! Oh! I for got! Thou hast
not any life!
#8 Thou br ainless m ashed potato!
#9 Thou bear s a str iking r esem blance to a
baboon?s backside!
#10 Thou pigeon-liver ed, sheep-biting,
new t-br ained, cow ar dly abom ination!
Well, I?ll be seein?ya?ll banana slugs!

-Sor r y Kevin Spacey, but you w er en?t a good

host. All of your jokes w er e just about how
you w er e the last per son they asked to host.
You gotta have var iety.

Okay, w e think that?s enough for now. W hat

ar e YOUR thoughts on this year ?s Tony
Aw ar ds?
How Ol d I s Wal k er ?
By Henr y Thacher
I?m Henr y Thacher , and today I w ill
talk to you about the volatile subject of
Walker ?s Age. W hat Walker w ants us to
believe is that he is only in his late
tw enties. How ever , w e her e at the
Daily Double have r eason to believe
other w ise. We have uncover ed an er a
in Egypt w her e ther e ar e vir tually no
w r itten r ecor dings. How ever , r ecently,
evidence has com e to light show ing
that ther e w er e w r itings back then, but
in an unknow n language. Our top
scientists ar e w or king on cr acking the
code, but until w e do, you?ll just have to
w ait, unless fur ther evidence is
r evealed. We have liter ally hundr eds of
ar chaeologists in the field, at least one
in ever y countr y on the planet. We?r e
bound to lear n m or e about Walker
sooner or later. Until then, Henr y
Thacher , signing off.
HI STORY OF FOOTBALL
BY: ANTHONY BORRELLI
How m any people out ther e like
football? I know I do! But sadly, the
football season?s over and w e w ill have
to w ait. So, in the m eantim e, how did
football star t?
Football star ted out based off of
soccer and r ugby. The fir st ever
football gam e w as on Novem ber 6,
1869. This gam e w as against tw o
college team s and w as played like a
nor m al gam e of soccer , but this w asn?t
exactly football yet. After year s have
passed, the sam e tw o team s (The Tiger s
and the Scar let Knights) m et again to
change the r ules. They m ade it so you
can use your hands and r un w ith the
ball. This gam e w as know n as r ugby.
Later on, this gam e w as changed up
and tur ned into football. Now , it is
played in college, high school, the NFL,
and even as backyar d football. So w hat
ar e you w aiting for ? Get outside and
LET?S PLAY FOOTBALL!
* W ikipedia
Hat e Col u m n #4 (Cat s vs. Dogs)
By Ar iel Reinstein
M other of GOD. Ar e you guys ser ious? NINE
subm issions all about the sam e thing. Guys, w hy
m ust you do this? Have you no or iginal thoughts? I
under stand that you guys feel str ongly about the
cats ver sus dogs debate, but this cr osses som e type
of line. Never theless, you?ve subm itted, w hich
m eans I r ant.
1. Dogs [2] ? It?s not new to people w ho know m e
that I deem cats super ior to dogs. Som ething in my
soul m akes m e r espond to kitties better than
puppies. I just think that cats ar e cuter , and their
independence is w onder ful, w her eas dogs ar e too
obedient. I assum e dogs ar e better is you?r e m or e
active, but I?m not.
2. Cat?s rule bogs Drule ? Though that?s both
liter ally and figur atively tr ue if you r ead it cor r ectly,
I think that w e should be far m or e concer ned w ith
your spelling and gr am m ar er r or s. If you haven?t
alr eady figur ed it out, ?Cats? ?dogs? and ?dr ool.?
3. Cats are the best! ? Gosh, guys. It?s like you don?t
r ealize that it?s my job to state the opinions. You
guys r eally don?t under stand how this w or ks.
4. Cats! Especialy [not a typo that?s how they spelled
?especially?] Ben Boyd?s cats Carl and Lela! She has
one eye but she is awesome! ? How do you expect
m e to r ant or even w r ite about cats I don?t know ?
You guys ar e being so annoying.
5. Cat w[?]in M eow ? I think you need som e sleep.
I?m r eally concer ned for your w ellbeing.
6. Would you eat a dog or a cat ? How about next
tim e you ask AN ACTUAL ADVICE COLUM N. I
w ouldn?t eat either because I'm a pescetar ian and I
don?t know how to cook cat or dog m eat.This does
br ing up the w hole thing about how they ar en?t
r eally advice colum ns if they?r e answ er ing stupid
questions like this one. They?r e just answ er
colum ns.
7. Dogs Rule! ? Honestly I don?t think it?s your place
to say. Since this is a colum n full of M y opinions you
shouldn?t subm it this nonsense.
8. Cats ? I?m done.
You guys actually ar e so infur iating som etim es. Still,
I appr eciate subm issions. Just tr y thinking of
som ething m or e cr eative next tim e.