THE WANGS

S4E7

"My Shadow"

Harry Jonathan Chong

2/3/2017

Craig meets his evil twin, while Mindy, and Emily Wang head off to
Greece to fight Medusa.
EXT. RANDOM ALLEWAY - NIGHT

A YOUNG MAN, and YOUNG WOMAN, who have their arms linked, are
walking through an alleyway. Its dimly lit, but you can see.

YOUNG WOMAN
I dont like this. Why do we need
to walk through a dark alleway?

YOUNG MAN
Its not dark. I can still see.

YOUNG WOMAN
You know what I mean.

YOUNG MAN
Well, if you hated the idea, whyd
you come along with me?

YOUNG WOMAN
You seem like a weak, flaccid man.
Im here to protect you.

YOUNG MAN
Me, need protection?! Harumph! I
can hold my own, you know. Im not
a weak, little baby.

YOUNG WOMAN
Of course, sweetie. Of course.

Suddenly, we hear a noise. Something like a garbage can

falling to the floor, and the hiss of a fraidy cat running
away.
Accordingly, the Young Man, and Young Woman stop their
walking.

YOUNG MAN
What was that?

YOUNG WOMAN
Lets turn around.

YOUNG MAN
But I dont wanna walk so far.

YOUNG WOMAN
Dont be stubborn!

So, the Young Man, and Young Woman turn around. They see the
flash of a shadow that looks like CRAIG: a figure lurking in
the darkness.
 2.

The Young Man GASPS, and clings to the Young Woman.

YOUNG MAN
(gasps)
Do you have that pepper spray I
gave you?

YOUNG WOMAN
No. I threw it away.

YOUNG MAN
Why?

YOUNG WOMAN
Pepper spray? What am I? A little
girl that cant throw a punch? If
shit goes down, I got a mean, Mike
Tyson uppercut!

YOUNG MAN
No, you dont.

YOUNG WOMAN
Stop doubting me! This is why I
wont marry you!

As the Young Man raises an eyebrow, the figure in the shadows

jumps out, holding a knife.

The couple step back in surprise.

The figure we see is a character who looks, and sounds

exactly like Craig, but is black as opposed to gray/silver.

This evil twin of Craig is named GREG.

GREG
Give me a dollar, or Ill stab you!

YOUNG MAN
A dollar? Thats it? To avoid a
stabbing?

GREG
Yeah.

YOUNG MAN
Thats a pretty good bargain.

YOUNG WOMAN
Just give him the money!

The Young Man takes out a $100 bill from his wallet, and
holds it out.
 3.

YOUNG MAN
Sorry. Do you have change for a
hundred?

Greg looks angry. He stabs the Young Man in the gut, and runs
away.

The Young Man collapses to the ground, and curls into a ball,
holding his wound.

The Young Woman kneels down by him, and puts her hand on his
shoulder to comfort him.

YOUNG WOMAN
Neil! Are you okay?!

YOUNG MAN
What happened to your Mike Tyson
uppercut?

YOUNG WOMAN
I have to tell you the truth, Im
actually more into Brazilian Jiu
Jitsu.

The Young Man closes his eyes, and his head flops. He passes
out.

The Young Woman takes out her cellphone, and dials 9-1-1.

YOUNG WOMAN (CONTD)

Hello? 9-1-1? My boyfriends just
been stabbed!
(listening)
Yes, Ill hold.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - NIGHT

Its night at the Wang household. An owl is hanging out on a

tree branch going: Hoo! Hoo!

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

MICHAEL MUNCH is on TV, reporting the news. Images appear,

corresponding with what he is saying.

CHANG, MINDY, EMILY, HARRY, and CRAIG are all here, gathered
around, watching.

MICHAEL MUNCH (T.V.)

Good evening, Im Michael Munch for
NVC Nightly Local News.
(MORE)
 4.
MICHAEL MUNCH (T.V.) (CONT'D)
Our top story tonight: a Young Man
has been stabbed to death in an
alleway. But since he wasnt very
popular, nobody cares. What a cruel
world we live in.

Harry GASPS, looking at the TV.

CHANG
Why are you gasping?

HARRY
I recognize that alleway. Its near
our house. I use it as a shortcut
to visit Emma.

EMILY
Well, stop using it as a shortcut,
stupid. You need the exercise.

MINDY
Emily, dont call your brother
stupid. You might be twice as smart
as him, but he has something you
dont.

EMILY
Whats that, mom?

MINDY
...I dont know.

Michael Munch CONTINUES speaking on TV.

MICHAEL MUNCH (T.V.)

But thanks to a security camera, we
have a clear image of the killer.

ON TV we see a picture of GREG, Craigs evil twin.

Chang, Mindy, Emily, and Harry look at Craig.

CRAIG
Whys everyone looking at me?

MINDY
Craig, did you stab someone to
death?

CRAIG
No.
 5.

EMILY
Its clearly you. Except you
dressed up in black face.

CHANG
(points)
You racist whore!

CRAIG
I am not racist! Im a lot of
different things, but I never judge
someone by how fast they can move.

HARRY
I dont think you understand what
racism is.

At this moment, a brick with a note comes flying through the

living room window, and lands in the middle of the room.

Everyone of course looks at it.

MINDY
What the...?

Chang picks up the brick, and takes off the note to read. He
unfolds it, and reads it.

EMILY
Oh my God. What do it say?

CHANG
(reading)
Bricks for sale. End of the season
clearance. All bricks 50% off at
all Handy Dan Hardware stores.

Chang is confused.

CHANG (CONTD)
The fuck?

MINDY
Is that a good deal?

Another brick comes through the window, and lands in the

living room. This time Mindy picks it up, and reads the note.

The note says I know what you did last summer but the
summer bit is crossed out, and is replaced with night.
 6.

MINDY (CONTD)
(reading)
It says: I know what you did last
summer. No, wait, the summer bit
is crossed out, and its been
replaced with night. So it really
says: I know what you did last
night.

HARRY
Oh, shiiit, mother fucker! Craigs
been caught!

CRAIG
Wait. How do you know this is about
me?

A third brick enters the living room.

EMILY
Ooh, let me do this one!

Emily gets the note off the brick, and reads it.

EMILY (CONTD)
(reading)
Yes. This is about that scumbag,
murdering robot. ASSHOLE.

Craig is taken aback. He bites on his hand in the way that

nervous people do.

CRAIG
Oh, no! Ive been caught! I mean --
I, I didnt do it!
Chang goes over to Craig.

CHANG
Craig. You are like a son to me.

CRAIG
Thanks?

CHANG
But you need to get the fuck out of
this house!

CRAIG
What?! Why?!
 7.

CHANG
Craig. I dont know if youre
guilty , but someone thinks you did
something, and that person is going
to try, and get revenge. You need
to leave for your own safety...and
the safety of us, your family.

CRAIG
You guys? How are you guys in
danger?

CHANG
If we hide you in our home, that
means were complicit, and the law
will punish us.

CRAIG
Bah! The laws retarded!

CHANG
Whatre you getting at?

CRAIG
Okay, so a guy kills somebody, and
then they say something like hes
mentally ill; so, they let him off
the hook. Mens rea, you know,
guilty mind.

CHANG
Right....

CRAIG
But we also have attempted murder.
Which is a man, or woman tries to
kill a person, and fails. In this
case, their punishment is reduced.
Here they place the emphasis on the
end result, not the intention. Now,
this begs the question: Which is
more important in the justice
system? The outcome, or the
intention? Its inconsistent. It
makes no sense!
(wild gesturing)
No sense, I tell you!

CHANG
What? What was the point of this?
Why did you bring this up?

Craig shrugs.
 8.

CRAIG
We were on the topic of murder. So,
I decided to share my thoughts.

BRICK #4, with another message on it, lands in the living

room.

Chang turns his head, and looks (much like the others).

CHANG
Who the hell keeps throwing these
bricks?

Chang runs over to the broken window, and sticks his head
out, and screams. He shakes his fist.

CHANG (CONTD)
Hey, shit-head! Have you ever heard
of a goddamned letter!

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY (MORNING)

Wearing a backpack, Craig leaves the Wang house. As he is

walking down, he encounters HARRY coming the other way.

CRAIG
Harry?

HARRY
Craig? Are, are you really leaving?

CRAIG
Afraid so, pal.
HARRY
Where will you go?

Craig shows Harry a pamphlet for a trailer park called:

Hurricane Alley.

CRAIG
Dont tell anyone, but Ill be
staying here.

HARRY
Hurricane Alley? That sounds
dangerous.

CRAIG
Ah, dont worry. Its just a name.

Harry, and Craig stare at each other in silence, and then

after a moment Harry speaks up.
 9.

He puts a hand on Craigs shoulder.

HARRY
Craig. Im coming with you.

CRAIG
To Hurricane Alley?

HARRY
I dont care what anyone else
thinks. I know youre innocent, and
Im going to be there to support
you, come rain, or come shine.

CRAIG
...Eh, itll probably be rain.

HARRY
Thats good then. California needs
some water.

CRAIG
To grow almonds?

HARRY
Yes, Craig, almonds. Plenty of
almonds.

EXT. HURRICANE ALLEY - DAY

On a CLOUDY day, we find ourselves in the trailer park called

Hurricane Alley.

Harry, and Craig are here, running away from a tornado.

HARRY
You said Hurricane Alley was just
a name!

CRAIG
It is! Thats a tornado, not a
hurricane!

The tornado catches up to Harry, and Craig. They scream, and

are then sucked up.

Harry, and Craig are now in the MIDDLE OF THE TORNADO.

Theyre floating around calmly, slowly circling around. They
notice a COW in the middle of all this.

HARRY
Is that a cow?
 10.

CRAIG
No point wasting this opportunity.

Craig takes out a glass, and places it under the Cow, and
milks it.

COW
Mooooooooo!

Glass filled, he hands it to Harry.

CRAIG
Here.

Harry takes a taste, and wipes the milk moustache off his
mouth.

CRAIG (CONTD)
How is it?

HARRY
Fresh.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

GREG appears at the front doors of the Wang household. Hes

holding his knife, and a cardboard box.

He places down the cardboard box, and rings the doorbell, and
then runs away.

The doors open up.

Chang, Mindy, and Emily come out. They stop, and see the
cardboard box.

MINDY
Did anyone order anything online?

Emily shakes her head. Chang picks up the box.

EMILY
Whats in the box, dad? Whats it
the box?!?

Chang takes out a pocket knife, and cuts the tape on the box.
He puts away his knife, and pulls open the flaps. He reaches
his hand in, and grabs whatever he can, and he takes out a
severed head.

But not just any head, the head of STHENO, Medusas sister.
 11.

The eyes gleam, and stare at Chang. Sthenos head hisses like
a snake.

Freaked out, Chang drops Stheno, and she goes rolling down
into the street.

MINDY
Uh-oh.

Chang turns towards Mindy, and Emily.

CHANG
Did you see --

And suddenly he turns into stone in the middle of his

sentence. His mouth remains open, but there is only silence.
He has become a statue.

EMILY
Whoa! What the fuck! What just
happened?!

MINDY
I think I know... That was the head
of Stheno, Medusas sister. Chang
stared into her eyes.

EMILY
So, now hes a statue?

MINDY
Im afraid so.

EMILY
Cant you use your magic to change
him back?

MINDY
Ill give it a try.

Mindy takes out her wand. She motions it, and then throws a
spell at Chang as a statue.

But the spell bounces off him, like a pinball. Mindy, and
Emily duck, letting it go over their heads.

The spell hits the house, punching a large hole in the wall.

Mindy, and Emily look at the hole.

MINDY (CONTD)
Emily, what do you know about home
repair?
 12.

EMILY
Nothing, but I can learn.

MINDY
Lets go inside then.

Mindy, and Emily go back inside their house.

Meanwhile, on the street, Sthenos head is lying in the

gutter. The eyes are looking around.

And then a LITTLE KID runs up to it, and kicks it.

LITTLE KID
FOOOOTBALL!

Sthenos head goes flying through the air.

The Little Kid throws up his arms, triumphantly.

EXT. WORLD MAP - DAY

An airplane flies from America (California) to Olympia in

Greece.

Emily, and Mindy talk whilst they travel.

EMILY (V.O.)
Greasy Greece, here we come!

MINDY (V.O.)
Please, dont call Greece Greasy
Greece.
EMILY (V.O.)
Dont step on my first amendment
rights, mother!

MINDY (V.O.)
Oh, boy. This is gonna be a long
trip.

EXT. HURRICANE ALLEY, CRAIGS TRAILER - DAY

Were back in Hurricane Alley. No more tornados.

It looks worse for wear, but many of the travel trailers in

this trailer park have been repaired -- though not very well.

Harry, and Craig have settled into the trailer nearest to us,
i.e. CRAIGS TRAILER.
 13.

INT. HURRICANE ALLEY, CRAIGS TRAILER - DAY

Craig is seated with his feet up, reading a magazine.

Harry meanwhile heats up a pot of baked beans. Every once in

a bit he stirs it.

HARRY
Craig, do you want any baked beans?

CRAIG
Robots cant eat baked beans.

HARRY
Thats why I asked.

At this moment, theres a knock at the door: KNOCK! KNOCK!

HARRY (CONTD)
Who could that be?

CRAIG
Answer it, and see.

Harry goes to answer the door. He steps back when the door is
kicked open.

GREG, Craigs evil twin, shows up with his knife.

GREG
Hello, fat boy.

HARRY
Im not fat -- Im husky!
GREG
Sure, you are.

Craig turns his head, and sees Greg. Craig looks startled,
and he stands to his feet.

CRAIG
Greg! What are you doing here?!
(gasp)
Youve been the one murdering all
those people, havent you? And
theyve been blaming me this whole
time!

GREG
Thats right. I have been killing
humans, but for a good reason.
 14.

CRAIG
And what reason is that?

GREG
Its fun.

CRAIG
Thats not a good reason.

GREG
Why do people hunt animals when
they can buy meat at the
supermarket?

CRAIG
For fu -- aaaah, I see what you did
there.

GREG
Now, if youll excuse me, I have
someone to murder. My fun meter is
slowly declining.

Greg steps toward Harry. Harry grabs his pot of baked beans,
and throws it in Gregs face.

Greg screams in pain.

GREG (CONTD)
Aaah, baked beans in tomato sauce!

Craig seeing this, tackles Greg to the ground.

CRAIG
Run, Harry, run!

EXT. HURRICANE ALLEY, CRAIGS TRAILER - DAY

Harry hastily leaves Craigs trailer, and starts running

away, down the dirt road.

INT. HURRICANE ALLEY, CRAIGS TRAILER - DAY

The trailer looks a mess -- even more than before.

Craig is standing in the way of the door as Greg is glaring

on the opposite side.

Greg, with his knife, moves it from hand to hand. Tossing it

to his left, and to his right.
 15.

CRAIG
Come on, Greg. Dont do this. Were
cousins... Were family!

GREG
Family means nothing to me.

CRAIG
Hmph! I thought after you came out
of prison you were a changed robot.

GREG
Im like a scorpion, Craig. Have
you not heard the story of the
Scorpion, and the Frog?

EXT. RIVER - DAY

A SCORPION is on land, looking at the river. He spots a FROG

swimming in the water.

SCORPION
Hey! Hey, Frog!

The Frog stops, and looks at the Scorpion.

SCORPION (CONTD)
Can I have a ride on your back to
cross the river?

FROG
Uh, no. Youre gonna sting me.

SCORPION
I wont. I swear.

FROG
Have you stung anyone before?

SCORPION
Yes -- but this times different!
Ive made some changes in my life.
I went through therapy, and they
put me on medication. Also, it
would be very foolish of me to
sting you, because if I did wed
both drown. Right?

FROG
Hmmm... Well, okay. I guess it
should be safe.
 16.

The Frog goes over to the Scorpion. The Scorpion climbs on

his back, and they go into the water, and begin traveling
down the river.

FROG (CONTD)
So, after we cross the river, where
will you go?

SCORPION
Stingsville.

FROG
Stingville?

The Scorpion stings the Frog.

FROG (CONTD)
(in pain)
Augh! You bastard! Whyd you sting
me?!

SCORPION
Im a scorpion. What the fuck did
you think would happen?

FROG
You idiot. Now youll drown, too!

SCORPION
Nah, bitch, I can swim.

The Scorpion gets off the Frog, and starts swimming on his
own. The Frog, meanwhile, sinks into the water, and dies.

EXT. HURRICANE ALLEY, CRAIGS TRAILER - DAY (RETURN TO SCENE)

We return to Craig, and Greg, who are still standing, facing

each other.

CRAIG
Thats not how that story goes.

GREG
Craig! Stop annoying me like this!
Just let me murder your friend!
Itll make me happy. Dont you want
me to be happy?

CRAIG
If what makes you happy hurts
others its wrong.
 17.

GREG
I could care less.

CRAIG
You mean: I couldnt care less.

GREG
Shut your whore mouth!

Greg throws his knife at Craig. The knife sticks into Craigs
head.

Craig rolls his eyes up, so as to look at the placement of

the knife.

CRAIG
OWWWWCH!

He tries pulling it out.

As he is doing so, Greg grabs Craig, and lifts him above his
head. He twirls him around, and tosses him through the
doorway.

EXT. HURRICANE ALLEY, CRAIGS TRAILER - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

As Craig is half-conscious, on the ground, Greg goes over to

him, and takes back his knife, pulling it out his head.

We notice that theres a black oil on the blade. Greg licks

off the oil with his tongue. He seems to like the taste.

EXT. OLYMPIA, ARCADIA STREET - DAY

Mindy, and Emily are walking through an idealistic looking
Greek street.

Full of life, the buildings are shining white, and the sun is
out casting down its warm rays.

EMILY
(looking)
Wow. Greece is such a beautiful
country. I cant believe theyre
totally bankrupt.

MINDY
Emily, just keep your eyes on the
prize. Were here to find Medusa.
Only the heart of a Gordon can
reverse the curse of stone.
 18.

EMILY
Wait. I thought Perseus killed
Medusa.

MINDY
That was a lie -- FAKE NEWS!

At this time, a GREEK MAN pulls up a cart full of yogurt, and

stops, Mindy, and Emily.

GREEK MAN
Bonjour, friends! Would you like to
purchase some yogurt?

EMILY
Greek yogurt?

GREEK MAN
Here we just call it yogurt.

EMILY
Oh. No, thanks. Im not hungry.

GREEK MAN
Are you sure? We have a special
flavor today called Deus Ex
Machina.

MINDY
Whats it taste like?

GREEK MAN
Banana juice.

MINDY
Ahhh, Id rather not.

GREEK MAN
Please? If you buy some...
(whispers)
I will tell you where to find
Medusa.

MINDY
How do you know about Medusa?

GREEK MAN
Everyone in Greece knows about the
dusa. Every year we have to
sacrifice a virgin to her.

MINDY
Why?
 19.

The Greek Man narrows his eyes.

GREEK MAN
She is one hungry hungry hippo.

Mindy, and Emily appear confused. U WOT M8?

EXT. JANKY FOREST - DAY/NIGHT

Harry is walking through a creepy, some would say, janky

forest.

As he is doing so, a late DAY TURNS INTO NIGHT.

Then ahead of him, down the path, Greg suddenly appears

holding his trademark knife.

GREG
Hello, fat boy! I finally found
you!

Harry gasps, and begins running away in the opposite

direction.

Greg chases after him.

Harry takes a turn into another section of the forest.

EXT. JANKY FOREST ALCOVE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

Harry runs into a dead end, finding himself trapped in a

mountainous alcove.
He turns around, and faces Greg.

Greg is slowly coming toward him with his knife.

GREG
Remember, fat boy, the more you
struggle the more I enjoy myself.

HARRY
You can take my life, Greg -- but
you can never take my freedom!

GREG
But if youre dead you wont have
freedom.

HARRY
Good point.
 20.

All of a sudden CRAIG, having jumped off a ledge, drops down

in front of Harry. Craig puts out his hand as if to say
stop.

CRAIG
Stop where you are, Greg! I wont
let you harm the boy!

Craig takes out a HANDGUN, and points it. Greg stops

advancing.

CRAIG (CONTD)
Take one more step, and Ill shoot.

GREG
You wont hurt me. Were family.

Craig hands his gun to Harry. Harry now wields the gun.

CRAIG
Ah-ha! But he might! He has no
morals!

GREG
Hmm, Im in quite the dilemma here.

So, Greg puffs out his chest, and gets in a wide stance,
posing like hes activating some sort of power, and then the
color of his skin changes, going from black to silver/grey,
just like Craig.

GREG (CONTD)
Ah-ha! Now you cant shoot me, fat
boy! You dont know if Im Greg, or
your beloved Craig!
HARRY
Im not a gold fish. I can tell you
two apart based on where youre
standing. Plus, youre holding that
knife of yours.

Greg strokes his chin, conceding.

GREG
Touche, fat boy. Touche....

EXT. MEDUSAS ABODE - DAY

Were back in Greece. The weather is cloudy now but not quite
raining.
 21.

Mindy, and Emily, each armed with a sword, and shield, and
wearing shutter shades on their faces, walk up to Medusas
mysterious home.

They look up at this structure, which has a very strong

resemblance to THE PARTHENON.

INT. MEDUSAS ABODE - DAY

Mindy, and Emily enter Medusas Abode. After the huge doors
slowly close behind them, they hide behind a column, and look
out.

They are in a huge room with many pillars. It is illuminated

with torches, and there is a carpet leading to a set of
stairs, which holds a throne above.

On this throne is MEDUSA. Medusa is HUGE half snake/half

woman creature. Her hair is made of snakes, and she has
piercing yellow eyes. She is wearing a shirt made of human
bones.

Before her we see are three people -- a VIRGIN, and two Greek
soldiers. GREEK SOLDIER 1, and GREEK SOLDIER 2.

The Greek soldiers are holding the Virgin by HIS arms.

GREEK SOLDIER 1
Medusa, as is the tradition, we
have brought you your annual meal.

VIRGIN
(crying)
No! Please! Why do you have to
sacrifice me? Im a virgin! I
didnt do anything wrong!

GREEK SOLDIER 2
We know that, but Medusa doesnt
want to eat anyone with herpes. Or
AIDS. Do you know about AIDS?

MEDUSA
I grow weary of this talk! I must
feast!

Medusa using her enormous hands grabs the Greek soldiers, and
the Virgin, and swallows them whole. She BURPS, and wipes her
mouth.

EMILY
(whispering)
Oh, crap.
 22.

Medusa turns her head towards Emilys voice.

MEDUSA
WHOS THERE?!

EMILY
Its your conscience speaking.
Please, stop being such a cunt.

MEDUSA
How dare you!

Medusa opens her mouth, and hurls a stream of acid at the

pillar which Mindy, and Emily are behind.

The pillar melts, revealing them both.

MINDY
(looking at Medusa)
Hello, Maam, how do you do?

Medusa HISSES, and screams.

Mindy, and Emily start running lengthwise.

Medusas head turns, following them, with even more acid

attacks.

Each pillar that Mindy, and Emily get behind is promptly

melted.

Soon, Mindy, and Emily find themselves in a corner. They try

to get away, but Medusa uses her big, fat tail, and blocks
them off, quarantining them to their area.
MEDUSA
(hissing)
There is no escape!

Mindy, and Emily stand strong, and stare up at Medusa.

MINDY
We beg to differ!

Mindy suddenly throws her shield at Medusas face, and

manages to hit her square.

As Medusa screeches, Emily clambers up her tail, and starts

sprinting upward.

Emily gets to the very top of Medusa, and pulls back her
sword.

Medusa comes to, and looks at her with eyes wide open.
 23.

EMILY
I hope you like dying, Medusa!
Because youre gonna die!

Medusa hisses.

MINDY
WAIT, EMILY, DONT...

Emily swings her blade, and cuts off Medusas head, which
falls to the floor to the feet of Mindy.

MINDY (CONTD)
...Cut her head off.

Emily looks down at Mindy.

EMILY
What did you say, mom?

All of a sudden Medusas body is incinerated, through self-

combustion, and disappears.

Emily falls onto her ass. She groans in pain.

MINDY
Dude... Are you okay?

EXT. JANKY FOREST ALCOVE - NIGHT

Craig, and Greg are beside each other, while Harry is on the
opposite side holding his gun, pointing it at them.

From Harrys perspective Craig is on the RIGHT, and Greg is

on the LEFT.

Greg, we notice, is no longer wielding his knife. Nearby, it

seems stuck in a tree.

HARRY
I, I dont know who to shoot!

CRAIG
Ask us a question.

HARRY
Um... Are you a virgin?

CRAIG
Try again.
 24.

HARRY
Right. Okay. Uh, when is my
birthday?

Craig, and Greg are silent. They look about like they dont
know what to say.

HARRY (CONTD)
Seriously? You dont know my
birthday? FINE! Ill figure this
out on my own!

Harry tucks the gun into his pants, to hold it, and takes out
a TV script from his back pocket.

GREG
What is that?

HARRY
Its a TV script for our show. Im
going to figure this out, Mel
Brooks style.

Harry thumbs the TV script, and stops on a page. He points to

what hes reading.

HARRY (CONTD)
Ah, okay. It says that GREG is on
the left side.

Harry now throws away the script, and withdraws his gun. He
points it at Greg this time.

Greg puts up his arms like hes surrendering.

GREG
Please! Dont shoot me! I promise I
wont hurt anyone anymore!

HARRY
How can I trust you, when youve
already killed? What makes you so
different now? No. Youre still a
danger to society. I have to shoot
you in the dick -- or, or head.

GREG
Why? Cant you forgive me? Im
sorry.
 25.

HARRY
If you were really sorry for what
you did, you would take your
punishment, because you wouldnt
want the chance that youd hurt
innocent people.

GREG
COME ON! Growing up, I had a rough
childhood! My mom used to beat me
with a coat hanger! Dont you care?

HARRY
Theres no excuse for murder.

GREG
But arent YOU going to murder me?

HARRY
Uhhh...

CRAIG
Self-defense doesnt count!

HARRY
Yeah, this is self-defense!

GREG
Is it really self-defense at this
point? You have a gun, and I dont
have my knife. Youre going to kill
an unarmed robot. If you shoot me,
its an execution.

Reluctantly, Harry lowers his gun.

HARRY
Okay, I wont shoot you.

GREG
How kind of you -- but I wont show
you the same courtesy!

Greg reaches behind his back, and takes out what looks like a
pistol. He aims it at Harry.

Harry, reacting, shoots his own gun.

The bullet hits Greg right in the chest, where if he were

human a heart would be. He collapses, and falls onto his
back.

Harry goes over to him, and looks with Craig.

 26.

Greg is making a noise like hes struggling to breathe.

GREG (CONTD)
It was...just a prank, bro!

Greg squeezes the trigger of his pistol, and out comes water;
it was only a squirt gun.

Greg now shuts his eyes, and finally dies.

HARRY
Oh, my God. What have I done?!

Harrys eyes become watery, but he isnt quite crying.

CRAIG
Dont be sad, Harry. He was a
huuuge asshole.

HARRY
But he said growing up he had a
rough childhood.

CRAIG
Yeah, well --

At this moment, Gregs eyes open, but where his eyes should
be there are numbers.

Its on the number 5. We hear an ELECTRONIC VOICE, doing a

count down.

ELECTRONIC VOICE
Self-destruct mode activated: 5,
4...
The numbers are going down in sync with the Electronic Voice.

CRAIG
Oh, shit -- RUN!

Craig, and Harry start running away.

Then Greg explodes.

The fiery energy sweeps Craig, and Harry off their feet, and
they go flying.

EXT. MEDUSAS ABODE - DAY

Mindy, and Emily are sitting outside, on the steps of

Medusas Abode. They seem really bummed out.
 27.

EMILY
Mom... Im sorry about the whole
beheading Medusa thing. I didnt
know that would happen. I know, we
needed her heart to cure dad,
right?

MINDY
Ah, its okay, Emily -- well,
actually, its not okay, but what
can we do now?

EMILY
(sighs)
Could this day get any worse?

At this moment a homing pigeon lands on Emilys knee. Emily,

and Mindy look at it.

MINDY
Is that a...messenger pigeon?

Emily takes out the message from the pigeons leg. The pigeon
then flies off right away.

MINDY (CONTD)
Whats it say?

Emily reads the message out loud.

EMILY
It says:
(reading)
Fuck you! Whore!
Emily frowns.

MINDY
I dont get it.

EXT. JANKY FOREST - NIGHT

The Janky Forest is on fire. Harry, and Craig are outside of

the flames, watching it burn.

CRAIG
Well, the legend of cousin Greg
lives on in the form of a forest
fire.

HARRY
Heh. Smokey Bear sure is gonna
pissed off.
 28.

Then from the forest a grizzly bear comes out. It stands in

front of Craig, and Harry, who are staring.

The bear looks rather dirty, having soot on its fur.

CRAIG
Speak of the devil, look its
Smokey Bear!
(waves)
Why, hello, there!

Suddenly, the grizzly bear with a ROAR lunges at Craig, and

bites down on his leg, and begins dragging him away.

CRAIG (CONTD)
(screaming)
Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!

Harry hastily grabs Craigs hand, and tries pulling in the

opposite direction -- but the grizzly bear tugs back, and
yanks him down.

Having fallen, he is taken along as well. Craig, and Harry

are now both dragged by the grizzly bear.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

Here be the house that the Wangs live in. Nothing to report.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Chang in his statue form is in the middle of the living room.

Mindy tends to him carefully with a duster.
Emily who is nearby, has her arms folded, and is watching
like this has been going on for a while now.

EMILY
Mom, I think hes clean enough.

MINDY
Are you sure? I mightve missed a
spot.

Mindy does a bit more dusting around Changs face.

Then we hear the SOUND of a door opening.

Harry, and Craig come inside the house. They go into the
living room, and see Mindy and Emily, but mainly, Chang who
to their surprise is a statue.
 29.

MINDY (CONTD)
Harry, Craig, youve returned.

Harry, and Craig stare at the statue that is Chang.

HARRY
Uhhh, is that a statue of dad?

EMILY
Its not a statue OF dad. That
statue IS dad.

HARRY
Say what?

MINDY
Your father was cursed. Hes turned
to stone...and we cant cure him.

CRAIG
Sooo, I guess hes pretty much
dead, huh?

MINDY
Ummm, I dunno. Maybe...?

CRAIG
Then no point in having him here
taking up all this precious floor
space.

MINDY
What do you mean by that?

Craig runs off to the closet, and retrieves a cricket bat.

Unbeknownst to the others, he hides it behind his back, and
then returns to the living room.

CRAIG
Alright, lets get this done.

MINDY
Get what done?

Craig takes out the cricket bat. Mindy reaches her arms out
as if to stop him, but she is too late.

Craig takes a swing at Chang, as a statue, and whacks his

midsection, so hard that his bat splinters, and breaks.

Now, theres a large web-like crack on Changs belly.

Mindy is staring at it.

 30.

MINDY (CONTD)
Oh, God. Look what you did!

But all of a sudden Statue Chang starts cracking everywhere

on his body, and he is freed, coming out alive, and in the
flesh.

The stone was only an exterior, like a skin. It all comes

off.

Now, Chang takes in numerous deep breaths.

MINDY (CONTD)
Chang! Youre alive!

Mindy hugs Chang. Chang hugs her back, though less

enthusiastically as he seems a bit confused.

CHANG
What happened? Why am I in the
living room?

EMILY
Craig figured out you were really
trapped in stone, and then he came
up with this crazy idea to save
you!

Chang turns to Craig. He shakes his hand.

CHANG
Thank you, Craig. You are a true
hero.

CRAIG
Youre welcome.

HARRY
Wait a minute. We know how Craig
really is. I think he thought you
were really all stone, and he was
just trying to break you up into
pieces so youd be easier to
remove. Craig isnt a hero. Hes a
sociopath! Hes a Goddamn
sociopath!

The room is silent. Then everyone starts LAUGHING -- and then

they stop laughing. Chang SIGHS.

CHANG
Its funny cause its true.

FADE OUT.