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Saturday July 15, 2017

Britneys Comeback Tour the media, has finally taken a toll on him. Justin,
alongside his team of Hollywoods most elite ge-
netics scientists and doctors, agree that both
The heavily influential singer, Britney Spears, Justin and the world would tremendously benefit
was once again found to be in back channel from two Biebers instead of just one.
talks with White House staff members. This alle-
gation comes off last years reporting of Spears - Reporter Belguin Catala
convening with seven major
oil CEOs in Dubai. Spears
sister, Jamie Lynn, had this
to say: We just want to get
her clean. We know how in-
ternational politics and power
Mariah Carey To Mars
struggles really mess her
up. Two years ago, Spears Pop super star, Mariah Carey, announced today
was found not guilty in a trial that she is in production with NASA to assemble
to determine if she had been a diva space shuttle that will take her to Mars.
funneling money and weap- The space shuttle named, MiMi, should be com-
ons in northern Tibet in order pleted by July 2018. The expected cost of shut-
to start a civil war. Prosecutors alleged jury tam- tle is estimated to be 1 billion dollars. Along with
pering in that all jury members received back- the space shuttle,
stage passes to Spears next concert. When Carey has re-
confronted by reporters inside the lobby of the quested NASA to
Chateau de Grande, Spears reportedly said develop inflatable
Oops, I did it again, before jumping out of a living quarters so
four-story window. when she arrives
to Mars she is
- Reporter Raymond Lantz able to move
freely on the plan-
et. When asked if
Bieber Fever she will be bring-
ing her twins, Roc
and Ro, Carey
The worlds hottest superstar, Justin Bieber, has stated that she
just announced to the world that he would be has not decided.
undergoing the highly danger- NASA has not yet
ous and very controversial pro- confirmed this in-
cedure of being cloned. Bieber formation but as
claims to understand the many soon as we hear from them we will update im-
risks and controversies sur- mediately.
rounded by the procedure, but
that due to the overwhelming
demand he faces daily from his - Reporter Jacqueline Schneider
record company, his fans and
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The Jessica
Fight
Jessica Simpson was spot- Miley Cyrus Mystery
ted at local Los Angeles
club "The Ink and Paint
Solved!
Club" having dinner with
friends when she got into a Since 2012, fans of young popstar Miley Cyrus
scuffle with Jessica Rabbit, have been wondering what turned her from a
who was performing at the sweet country girl to a crazy party animal. We
same club that very night. assumed it was just a phase, that she would
Apparently the fight began when Ms. Rabbit en- grow out of it, but experts say the answer lies in
tered the dining floor after her performance to her biology; her behavior was changed by a vi-
confront Ms. Simpson about a previous disa- rus. Doctors around the world studied the virus
greement the two had regarding an ex-lover. and named it Cyrus Fever. Symptoms include
Club-goers reported hair turning blonde, waking up to a trendy pixie
there was a lot of cut, change in clothing style, and loss of control
screaming and one of tongue muscles. Research hasn't yet found
person even pro- the cause of this virus, but confirm that it is con-
claimed a chair had tagious. Since the discovery of Cyrus Fever in
been thrown across the 2016, scientists had been working toward a
club. Ms. Simpson was cure. In 2017, Miley was injected with the curing
escorted out of the vaccine, and turned into a sweet girl again. An-
building, along with her other celebrity has been infected with Cyrus Fe-
girlfriends she'd been ver: Katy Perry. She is starting to show some of
having dinner with. We the symptoms, such as a blond pixie cut. The
could not reach her for cure seemed to only work on Miley, the original
comment. When asked host of the virus. Will this uncontrollable disease
about the debacle, Ms. Rabbit said, "I'm not
bad, I'm just drawn that way."

- Reporter Erin DeSelms

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pet will be starring as the next bachelorette
A Hip Hop Album About Astro- on the hit series "The Bachelorette" with
host, Chris Harrison. The producers of the
physics? love finding show are very excited for their
new celebrity bachelorette and ready to find
Neil Degrasse Tyson, renowned astrophysicist, her love. Miss Piggy has been and is ready
author and science communicator by day con- for her journey. She is looking for stability
troversial hip hop artist by night? For years Ty- within the relationship, along with abs like
son has been appearing in science documen- steel. Kermit is dying to have his lover back,
taries, talk shows and pod casts talking about but it looks like he has officially been kicked
the latest cutting edge discoveries in astronomy
to the curb. Keep up with The Bachelorette
and astrophysicist and breaking them down in
words us common folks can understand. Tyson every Monday night on ABC to see if Miss
however has been secretly working on his latest Piggy will find true love to a new green sing-
project along side pop culture science icon Bill ing soul.
Nye and world famous British physicist Stephen
Hawking. According to an interview with bill- - Reporter Miranda O'Donnell
board maga-
zine Tyson
has been
playing with
the idea of
making a rap
album for
years in order
to expose a
wider audi-
ence to the
world of science. The album is set to release at
the end of 2017 just in time for Christmas.

- Reporter Donald Smith

Miss Piggy To Finally Find

Come on down to Mamas Diner and
Love
grab a bite to eat!
Miss Piggy and Kermit the frog have been in Located on the corner of Lake St. and
an on again off again relationship since the
beginning of their careers. Ever since Kermit Highway 104
the frog's new single has gone platinum, the Tell them Mama sent ya!
relationship between the two Muppet stars
has gone nowhere but downhill. Miss Piggy
is very tired of not settling down and will now
be doing things her way. The superstar Mup-
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Arnold Schwarzenegger Jared Kushner Selected for

Crowned New American First, Documented, All-Star
Ninja Warrior Champ! Game
Jared Kushner will look to make baseball great
This season of American Ninja Warrior has a again when he takes the field in Miami, Florida
new champion, 69 year old former Governor of as a member of this years National League All-
California and actor, Arnold Schwarzeneg- Star Team. After hearing of his selection to the
ger. The "Governator" finished the obstacle All-Star Team, Jared, 36, finally broke months
course more than twice as fast as anyone else of silence and exclaimed in a rather childish
in the competition. Arnold moved like a nimble voice, I knew this would happen. Collusion
cat, meandering through the course of cannon- worked! Selected to start in place of Bryce
ball alley, salmon ladder, vertical limit, globe Harper in right field, the 36 year-old outfielder/
grasps, and unstable bridge. Schwarzeneg- infielder
ger's win defied all odds, causing some Las might
Vegas sportsbooks to lose millions of dol- also
lars. The odds for Terminator to win the com- manage
petition outright were erroneously set at the
1000/1. The 69 year old used this as fuel to team
the fire to compete even harder through the for a
course. Schwarzenegger's improbable win few in-
caused many to question his use of perfor- nings,
mance-enhancing skipper
drugs. After his win, Joe Maddon says. Jareds complete inexperi-
Schwarzenegger was ence certainly makes him a triple threat in my
forced to urinate in a mind, Maddon reasoned. Its a shame he
cup. Results came in doesnt run the whole damn thing. Kushners
on Monday showing zero plate appearances, zero innings played
Arnold's positive use of and zero innings managed in the majors or any
anabolic steroids, hu- other professional league will arguably make
man growth hormone, him the least established player to ever appear
Adderall, blood boost- in the Mid-Summer Classic. We have too
ers, and horse tranquil- many guys that already know how to catch, hit
izers. When asked and throw the ball, Maddon said. Maybe one
about the positive re- too many. Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, Jareds
sults Arnold punched wife, expressed her excitement from a seat she
reporters, screamed, filled in place of her father, President Donald
"Hasta la vista, baby!" and ran off toward his Trump, at the G20 conference in Hamburg,
getaway car. Germany. This was expected. Our back-
- Reporter Blair Ragsdale channel comm Jared will be great, she
tweeted. When asked for further clarification on
Ivankas statement, White House Economic
Council Director Gary Crohn said, Were not
going to comment on Jared.Were just not
going to comment.

- Reporter Cameron McDonald