The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2017

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" -
Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he
hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on
a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me
neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" -
Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell
fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2016

1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart"
- Masai Graham

2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in
one" - Stuart Mitchell

3. "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson

4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those
places are really well lit" - Mark Smith

5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a
laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer came second" - Will
Duggan

6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff
Stevenson

7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney

8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff

9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went
to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath

10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan
Brookes

11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband
did it first" - Michelle Wolf

12. "I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift

13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith

14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons

15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil
Nicol
The top 10 funniest jokes of the Fringe 2015

1. "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh

2. "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" -
Stewart Francis

3. "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4. "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other
is a little lighter" - Masai Graham

5. "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green

6. "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's
tapas" - Mark Nelson

7. "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry

8. "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive
gloves" - Alun Cochrane

9. "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery

10. "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I
haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child

"I never lie on my CVbecause it creases it." - Jenny Collier

"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at
yourself" - Ian Smith

"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" - Tom
Ward

"Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's

someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't" - Gyles Brandreth

"Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" - Ally
Houston

"Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called
"Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism" - James Acaster
Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.

2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.

3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost
his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.

4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with
number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.

5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.

6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" -
Paul F Taylor.

7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.

8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.

9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" -
Felicity Ward.
Fringe Festival 2013:

1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate
bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island.
I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being
replaced by white men."

7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it
very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that
you basically get it back immediately."
Fringe Festival 2012

1.Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2.Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3.Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4.Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your
book case."

5.Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don't know Y."

6.Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7.George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm
concentrating."

8.Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9.Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket
salad."

10.Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for
pessimism she wouldn't fancy her chances."
Fringe Festival 2011

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the
Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is
everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired
the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'.
So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you
don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people
would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex.
Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I
can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."