There should be rules governing your child's conduct, and penalties

when the rules are broken. You will be unable to direct him properly
unless he learns that undesirable conduct will cause more pain than
it is worth. Here are five principles of discipline.

DIRECTIONS
Five principles of discipline. No laws can be effective unless
penalties are imposed when they are violated. So too with rules
governing your child's conduct: You will be unable to direct him
properly unless he learns that undesirable conduct will cause more
pain than it is worth.

The idea of disciplining a child is viewed with disfavor by some

modern experts. In their progressive view, the child should be free
to express himself, and "parents who hamper this self-expression
hamper the development of his personality." Enough years have
passed so that we can now examine the adult products of this
progressive school of discipline, and we find that the general results
are not good. Children who are permitted to do as they please
without a control system to govern their actions tend to become
insufferably selfish, thoughtless of the rights and needs of others,
and incapable of exercising the self-discipline which adults need to
live harmoniously together.

Fortunately, the let-them-do-as-they-please school of child training

is rapidly becoming passe. Most authorities now recognize that a
child not only needs but also wants checks over his actions. Even in
adolescence, the so-called "age of rebellion against parents,"
youngsters have affirmed many times that they prefer to be guided
by rules of conduct and expect to be punished for infractions. In
fact, teen-agers often complain that their parents are not
sufficiently precise in announcing what will and will not be allowed.

Since children vary so greatly in temperament, along with their

parents, it is probably unwise to set down hard and fast rules of
discipline. However, five general principles can be adapted to fit
most circumstances.
1. Keep in mind what purpose your discipline is intended to
serve. You should discipline your child mainly to instill in him proper
methods of behavior and to develop his ability to control himself in
the future.

This principle implies that you must subjugate your own personal
feelings, likes and dislikes when exercising them might not serve a
useful purpose. To illustrate: A father has often slept late on
Saturday mornings while his young children raced about the house
making noise. Usually he merely rolled over in bed and put a pillow
over his head to keep out the sounds. One morning, however, he
awakened with a headache while his children pounded their drums.
His first impulse was to reach out from bed and spank them. But a
second thought convinced him that his children were behaving
properly in the light of their past experience, since they had no way
of knowing that this was different from other Saturdays. Therefore,
the father spoke to them reasonably, telling them that their noise
disturbed him. If, after his explanation, they had continued to
pound their drums, he could legitimately punish them to stress not
only the importance of obedience but also that they must sacrifice
their own interests for the good of others.

The child who knows that his punishment is dictated by his parents'
love for him will become a partner in the punishment at least to
some extent because he realizes that it is for his own good. That
is why wise parents sometimes permit their youngsters to choose
their own punishment when they have violated rules. The youngster
who recognizes the need for punishment and who willingly accepts it
takes an important step toward the goal of all his training the
disciplining of himself, a process which will continue until death.

2. Let the punishment fit the crime. In applying this principle, try to
put yourself in the child's place. A four-year-old girl was playing in a
side yard with several boys of her age. A neighbor observed her
exposing her sex organs to them and reported the fact to her
mother. The mother raced to the yard, grabbed the girl by the arm,
dragged her into the house and beat her with a strap, raising welts
upon her back. This mother should have realized that her daughter
lacked the experience to know that her action was not proper.
Moreover, the punishment was entirely out of keeping with the
offense. It was based on the mother's own sense of shame and not
that of the child. It was an exercise of hate not of love.

What offenses call for physical punishment? In the view of most

experts, very few. However, reasonable corporal punishment,
sparingly used, can be more effective than some educators like to
admit. If a child's actions might cause physical harm to himself or
another, his punishment should be strict enough to impress upon
him the dangers of his actions. For instance, a child of two does not
understand why he should not play with matches or cross the street
without an adult. If he reaches for matches or steps from the
sidewalk, you might spank him because this is the only way he can
learn a vital lesson. The very young child measures good and bad in
terms of his own pleasure and pain, and since most of his
experiences are still on a physical level, physical punishment has its
place. But wherever possible, love and affection should hold the
foremost position. When your child resists the temptation to touch
matches or cross a street unaided, use praise to assure him that he
is doing the right thing. Spank him if nothing else works.

Some psychologists make much of the possible harm done to a

youngster by physical punishment. But the Bible's teaching that "He
that spareth the rod hateth his son" (Proverbs, 13:24) indicates that
physical punishment, as such, does not harm the child emotionally.
When it is accompanied by indications of hatred, it is undeniably
wrong. But the parent who applies the rod in a calm way and as
evidence of his desire to help the youngster's development probably
does not do lasting hurt. On the other hand, some of the most
brutal punishments the kind that leave wounds for years, if not
for a lifetime come from words. One little girl was never spanked
by her father. But whenever she did things which he found
objectionable, he shook his head and commented that she was
certainly "a queer one." The girl is now a woman of fifty, and her
father has been dead thirty years, but his attitude still rankles
deeply. She believes that it reflected his unwillingness or inability to
understand her.

It should not be necessary to punish girls physically after they reach

the age of twelve. Many teachers believe, however, that teen-age
boys can be held in line by and respect authority exercised in a
physical way. Girls usually respond more readily to deprivations of
privileges being denied permission to visit friends on week ends,
to attend movies or watch television.

3. Punish only once for each offense. One advantage of corporal

punishment which is often overlooked is that it usually "clears the
air." Once it has been applied, parents and child generally feel free
to forget it and go on to other matters. When their punishment is
less decisive, parents may tend to keep harping on the offense
and the child never knows when it is going to be thrown up to him
again.

To apply this principle, make sure that your child thoroughly

understands what his punishment will be. For instance, if you decide
to deny him desserts for a week, tell him so at the outset; do not
keep him wondering from day to day when the punishment will end.
And do not harp on the offense after the punishment ends. Let him
know that when he pays for his conduct he starts with a clean slate.

3. Be consistent. Your child deserves to know exactly what kind of

conduct is tolerated, and what will be punished. Unless he knows
this, he will try to find out how far he can go. If you tell him that he
must be home at 8:30, he will be uneasy if he arrives at 9:00 and is
not called to task for being late. Next time, he will be tempted to
remain out until 9:30, and he will continue pushing the hour ahead
until you step down firmly. If you berate him for arriving home at
9:00 after he returned at 10:00 the night before without comment
from you, you will leave him thoroughly confused as to where the
limits actually lie.
To be effective, your rules must also be fair. One child should not be
punished for actions which another commits with impunity. In one
family with seven children, all know that they will lose their
allowances for a week if they are not at home for dinner at a
designated time. One evening one youngster came home late with
the excuse that the bus was delayed. His mother said that she
would not punish him. The father then insisted that the boy lose his
allowance, because he knew that once any excuses were accepted,
the parents would be besieged with them and the entire system of
fairness for all would break down. As this example indicates,
parents who do not apply rules consistently actually perform a
disservice to the child.

5. Investigate before you punish. In order to discipline your child

properly, you must necessarily know the facts in the case.
Otherwise you do not know what purpose your punishment should
serve. Parents may easily misinterpret a child's action. Sometimes
he does things which are wrong because no one has told him not to
do them and he does not know whether they are approved or not.
Be especially careful before punishing a child involved in a quarrel
or fight with another. It is often difficult to find out who is at fault,
since both children usually contribute to a squabble to greater or
lesser extents.

4. Your Child's Moral Training

No other aspect of your child's upbringing will your example exert
such a powerful force as in his moral training. For your words to
your child are meaningless unless your own actions confirm them. A
mother teaches her son to say morning and night prayers, but she
says neither. He is only seven years old, but already he questions
why prayer is necessary for him but not for adults. One need not be
a prophet to realize that he will stop praying as soon as he can. A
father teaches that it is wrong to use the Lord's name in vain; but
whenever things go wrong around the house, he spews forth
profanity. His son likewise swears at every chance he gets. A father
tells his children that they must respect authority, but he belittles
his own employers, criticizes elected officials of the country in the
most insulting ways, and makes sneering remarks about priests and
his boys' teachers. And he cannot understand why his sons get into
trouble for disobeying school regulations.

If you could examine records of families from generation to

generation, you would see undisputed proof of the priceless power
of example. In one family, a man now eighty learned from his
father's example that men went to church only for baptisms,
weddings, and funerals. The man tried to teach his own son to
attend Mass as required by Church law, but neglected to do so
himself. His son followed his example not his teaching and his
grandson now also does likewise. More than a hundred years ago, a
merchant made a fortune by cheating townspeople who shopped at
his store. His grandson is a "respectable businessman," but he too
believes that chicanery is justifiable if it MAKES MONEY . On the
other hand, men and women who are long dead but who lived holy
lives have left a heritage that lives on in the sanctity of their
children's children.

Therefore, if you would help your child to achieve his true purpose
the living of his life in accordance with the will of God so that he
may save his soul, and if you would see your good influence
continue for untold future generations, provide an example that
gives the holy guidance he needs.

Activity Source: Catholic Family Handbook, The by Rev. George A.

Kelly,

Unholy Anger: Disciplining Ourselves

Before Disciplining Our Children
There is a wonderful letter in which St. John Bosco advised his priests to avoid
anger in their dealings with the foster children they cared for.
He had founded a religious congregation, the Salesians, to care for homeless boys, so
he and his priests certainly had plenty of unruly behavior to contend with, and plenty of
opportunities to flare up in anger. But in his letter St. John Bosco tells his priests, "They
are our sons, and so in correcting their mistakes we must lay aside all anger and
restrain it so firmly that it is extinguished entirely. There must be no hostility in our
minds, no contempt in our eyes, no insult on our lips. We must use mercy for the
present and have hope for the future, as is fitting for true fathers who are eager for real
correction and improvement."

What this saint said to his priests also applies to us as mothers and fathers in our
dealings with our own children. Every time I read this letter, which appears in the Office
of Readings for the feast of St. John Bosco on January 31, I admire the wisdom of it,
but at the same time I am convicted by it: I am forced to acknowledge that if this great
saint saw my parenting, he would tell me that I indulge in too much unholy anger
toward my children.

In the Guise of Justice

In his letter, Don Boscos primary focus seems to be on the anger that creeps into the
parental acts of rebuking, disciplining, and punishing. There are other kinds of unholy
parental anger, such as when a child brings some need to a parent who doesnt want to
be bothered and the parent reacts with irritable frustration. Here the anger is outside
the setting of a parent disciplining a child. But let us stay within this framework and try
to understand why anger so easily creeps into disciplining and punishing a child.

St. Thomas Aquinas says that we are typically angry in the face of some injustice done
to us, and that what especially provokes anger is the element of contempt or scorn in
the one who does us some wrong. Thus, if a child is rude to his or her parentsif a
child shows them, whether in word or deed, scorn rather than respect the parents are
"set up" for anger. They are in exactly the position in which people naturally feel anger.
Anger grips the parents so strongly precisely because they feel justified in rebuking the
disrespect of their children. They feel that they would deny their most basic sense of
justice if they were to suppress their anger. Thus the poison of anger slips into their
soul under the cover of justice.

St. John Bosco would hardly counsel parents to deny their sense of justice. He would
not admire parents who are so lacking in self-respect that they dont even mind the
disrespect of their children. He would certainly expect parents to "dare to discipline."
But he would warn against the anger that puts "contempt in our eyes" and "insult on
our lips." Anger in that sense, he warns, is never justifiednot by the disrespect of our
children, not by anything else.

This great saint also had a keen sense of how impotent angry words of rebuke are. In
the same letter, we read: "In serious matters it is better to beg God humbly than to
send forth a flood of words that will only offend the listeners and have no effect on
those who are guilty." If we are honest with ourselves, we will acknowledge that the
louder our voices are raised in angry rebuke, the more powerless we are. We
sometimes reach the point where our anger becomes in part a rage at our own
powerlessness and is no longer merely anger at our disrespectful children.

The Power of Meekness

On the other hand, there is great power in the meekness advocated by St. John Bosco.
On one famous occasion he took a group of boys from prison for an outing in the
country; he declined the help of the prison guards and was able by himself to bring all
the boys back to the prison at the end of the day. The guards were amazed that not
one tried to escape. His fatherly way that dispensed with all anger was more powerful
than any prison guard.

We can put it like this. The meekness of St. John Bosco may at first look weak, even
wimpish, and the loud anger of a father berating his child may look strong and manly.
But the reality is just the opposite: The gentle appeal to the child is full of a mysterious
authority and persuasive power, whereas the loud anger just serves to estrange the
child from the father and to undermine the fathers authority in his childs eyes.

Perhaps the main thing we can gather from this letter of Don Bosco is that in boiling
over with anger we fall short of a loving attitude toward our children. We lose sight of
their well-being. We do not experience our anger as benefiting them, but only as
denouncing them for their bad behavior. We do not give any thought to how our anger
will be received and whether it has any chance of being heard and of helping the child
to grow. If we did, then we would take into ACCOUNT the fact that it "has no effect on
those who are guilty." But we ignore this obvious fact because in flaring up with anger
we yield to our own impulses and urges far more than we tend to the good of our
children. There is a self-indulgence in being swept away with anger. We lose touch with
the spirit of service to our children of which Don Bosco speaks when he says: "Let us
place ourselves in their service. Let us be ashamed to assume an attitude of superiority.
Let us not rule over them except for the purpose of serving them better."

I repeat that the spirit of Don Bosco does not prevent us parents from being firm with
our children. Rather, this great Christian teacher of youth would counsel us to draw
boundaries, to be unyielding in essential matters, to expect respect, and, when
necessary, to impose punishments. He surely also knew from his vast experience that
there are moments when these things have to be done forcefully. You could call this
forcefulness in disciplining "anger," and thus, in a sense, it would follow that Don
Boscos instruction allows for justified anger. But there is often a bitterness in the anger
of parents, an insulting edgesomething that wounds rather than builds up, that
estranges rather than bonds. When this failure to love enters into our parental
firmness, a good thing is spoiled.

I have said that the opposite of anger is meekness. I would direct the reader to the
beautiful chapter on meekness in Dietrich von Hildebrands great work, Transformation
in Christ. He explains the contrast between Christian meekness and all that is brutal
and violent; he also explains the contrast between Christian meekness and all that is
weak and spineless. He beautifully brings out the particular reverence that the meek
person shows toward the other as spiritual being and as person. This reverence,
opposed to the bitterness of anger, must stand at the heart of all our parenting.

Punishing Our Own Pride

I conclude with these challenging sentences from the letter of Don Bosco: "My sons, in
my long experience very often I had to be convinced of this great truth. It is easier to
become angry than to restrain oneself, and to threaten a boy than to persuade him.
Yes, indeed, it is more fitting to be persistent in punishing our own impatience and
pride than to correct the boys." The saint is saying to us that we should not be deceived
by the sense of "justice" that drives our anger; there is often a poison in this anger,
and it is more important for us to spit this poison out of our spiritual system than to
rebuke our children for disrespect.

The first need, then, is precisely this: that a father be present in the family. That he be
close to his wife, to share everything, joy and sorrow, hope and hardship. And that he
be close to his children as they grow: when they play and when they strive, when they
are carefree and when they are distressed, when they are talkative and when they are
silent, when they are daring and when they are afraid, when they take a wrong step
and when they find their path again; a father who is always present. To say present
is not to say controlling! Fathers who are too controlling cancel out their children,
they dont let them develop.
The Gospel speaks to us about the exemplarity of the Father who is in Heaven who
alone, Jesus says, can be truly called the good Father (cf. Mk 10:18). Everyone knows
that extraordinary parable of the prodigal son, or better yet of the merciful father,
which we find in the Gospel of Luke in chapter 15 (cf. 15:11-32). What dignity and what
tenderness there is in the expectation of that father, who stands at the door of the house
waiting for his son to return! Fathers must be patient. Often there is nothing else to do
but wait; pray and wait with patience, gentleness, magnanimity and mercy.
A good father knows how to wait and knows how to forgive from the depths of his
heart. Certainly, he also knows how to correct with firmness: he is not a weak father,
submissive and sentimental. The father who knows how to correct without
humiliating is the one who knows how to protect without sparing himself.