Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at

http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/10897071.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: Gen
Fandom: Original Work
Additional Tags: Notebook, Short Chapters, im not a poet, So there you go, i hope
writing in this works out, Vignettes, brevity
Stats: Published: 2017-05-13 Updated: 2017-10-23 Chapters: 67/? Words:
10089

notebook
by Quandrant

Summary

Concept inspired by Bill Wurtz, but turned into a place where I could vent out my
frustration. Expect spontaneous updates and entries varying from a couple of sentences to
a couple of pages.
 5/13/17 11:51 AM PST
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

does anyone else love ThinkPads?

i love ThinkPads.

Chapter End Notes

Bill Wurtz's notebook, on his website.

http://www.billwurtz.com/

(also, I'm living in the USA so it's mm/dd/yy for the date.)

(times are the time when i finished the chapter k thx bai)
 5/13/17 1:57 PM
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

i miss when homestuck was just about a kid putting arms into a cake

:(

Chapter End Notes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxE4ngu78Ro
 5/16/17 8:55 PM

paste what's in your clipboard, right here, right now.

here's mine.

conspicuously
 5/16/17 8:55 PM

it's kind of fun writing brief chapters, since there's no room for unnecessary words that just fill it
up it's like BAM BAM BAM done no editing here mateys
 5/16/17 8:55 PM
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

roses are red,

violets are blue,

asian girl gagged in a car part 2

Chapter End Notes

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

lol im so depressing
 5/16/17 10:47 PM
Chapter Notes

i have no idea what im doing anymore

See the end of the chapter for more notes

once upon a time,

a coffee filter was used as a sponge to wipe off some 30 year old blood off a filter

wait that's not right

once upon a time,

a child read the entire bee movie script and asended into robbie rotten and

and.

dammit

imagination.exe has stopped working

Windows is collecting more information about the problem, just because it can.

Please might take several minutes...

AW HELL NAW WINDOWS IM NOT GONNA BE SPIED ON AGAIN

ALL HAIL GNU/LINUX AND SAINT STALLMAN

Chapter End Notes

oh well, looks like it's time to write so more chapters

 5/16/17 11:06 PM
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

today was top nothc today, gang gang swua squa horrible whipping and dabbing while shakin
legs off

today um i did a MAP test and i took a math test, which my manth teacher let us take home to do
for homeowrk, like bruh, Mrs. troxell is gr8

in muh elective miss knitter did a demo for cookies

but not any cookies, REVISESD ranger cookies

they were actually purrty gewd!

the only thing that was bad tofday was the stupid mile we have to do weekly, i wish it was once
every two weeks

but hey mah legs are firmer, so that's good i suppose

actually the mile wasn't the only bad part, another bad part was when this bitch Kadence laughed
at me for having a rubbing stone

im actually getting sad thinking about it

fidgt spinners do nothing anyways, the only true fidget is a stone

i need a smoother one but it's fine

i need to have a picture, maybe later

i really like the coolness of the stone contrasting with the blazing nuclear reactor of my palms, it's
a very nice feelig!

what else?

hmm

OH YAH

SCIENCE

science was actually interesting because we got to launch rockets

it was fun running awa from the tiny rockets as they fell from the sky like how skaian meteors rain
down like rain

since the tips were weighted with clay too, when it fell a lot of them stuck into the ground, which
was purty interesting tbh

the only thing i didnt like was the smell

smelled pretty bad

of course, friggin denzel kept smelling them because he thought "they smulled noice"

like no man how dumb do you have to be to sniff some weird ass smoke

are you delibarately trying to get yourself stoned on campus

must be that new haircut

k good night guys hope i see you tomorrow :D

Chapter End Notes

So this was actually pretty long, but that's ok. As long as it's not "dense" (like thicc
forest thicc) it's fine, I suppose.
 5/17/17 2:27 PM
Chapter Summary

when you give a polygon problem to a misfit trio, what happens?

this happens.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

(image[s] coming soon)

TRANSCRIPT

Problem: This pentagon has the equal sides at the top and two equal sides at the bottom. Three of
the angles (top two, and one bottom) have a measure of 130 [degrees]. Figure out the values of
the two remaining angles (x), and explain your reasoning.

WHALE

first split the petagon into thousands of tiny little stars

but

two find area of sturs

split stars into triangls and

...

PETAGONS

too find AREA of petagons

split the petagons into

STURS

ronse ANDS repot!

:DDDDDDD

Chapter End Notes

I think this was poetry. Well, if you call unhinged blocks of spread out words poetry.
:D

Anyway, I wrote down the entire thing in my special notebook for cancerous and
stupid things (not this one, a physical one), but apparently my inner Roxy was
showing and thus, I made quite a few grammatical errors whilst writing sloppily.

They didn't read it, lmao.

 5/17/17

so i've realized something

i don't want to be famous-famous. ao3 famous is cool, but real life famous is scary. you don't even
know how many people know your personal identity, and Wikipedia only makes that worse.

i wonder how popular singers/authors/celeberties manage the stress and the creepy stalkers, along
with the peppering of fanfiction and their fanbase. one step in the wrong direction could make or
break the fans, turn them all into cancerous freaks that try to enforce anything related to their idol.

but...it's not good to be lonely.

lonely = depression
depression = inability to do jack
inability to do jack = deterioration of life
deterioration of life = mental sickness
mental sickness = physical sickness
physical sickness = sad
sad = weak
weak = dying
dying = dead

lonely = dead

D:
 5/17/17 9:24 PM
Chapter Notes

why do i feel so depressed

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SHE RELATES TO ME (11 order)

revert? or am i slowly being sent back to the ground?

anyway, i feel content whilst drifting
so maybe my anchors dont help.
nothing helps.
i would type in T(he)R(oad)T(o)T(he)U(ndoing), but it's hopeless now
everywhere i go, i leave a trail of destruction.
ill be a little quieter tomorrow.
HoL does no good
remember how i said that it resembles my inner turmoil?
i lied.
i like it because I can resemble Johnny Truant's descent into madness, trying to keep up with my
incomplete homework
she called it crap
i should send connor an email
am i struggling against my chains anymore
am i still shy?
can i still revert?
or am i slowly being sent back to the ground?
anyway, i feel content whilst drifting
so maybe my anchors are a disadvantage?
im beginning to wonder if my anchors are keeping me trapped
im contemplating sharing my journal google doc, a journal
but my anger doesnt dissapate
im waiting to snap though
i wonder who will be that Meenah Peixies, who makes me irrationally angry?
im scared though
but i don't want to deal with this bs anymore
am i still shy?
can i still revert?
or am i slowly being sent back to the ground?
anyway, i feel content whilst drifting
so maybe my anchors are keeping me trapped
im contemplating sharing my journal google docs with you guys
but ive decided against it
too much private stuff
like i wish i could but
i dont think that if he knew me online, then we would be much better friends
im not sure if i should tell you guys should read about Damara Megido
she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
 i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates to me in a lot of ways
i know it's homestuck but she relates

Chapter End Notes

oh looksies my sadness is caused by this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cycUHgg0zzU
 5/17/17 10:01 PM

tree branches scrape against my window

i cant sleep

i only think of my future

all of the different possibilities

drunkard/addict/victim of depression/mcdonald's/single and dead?

rich/surgeon/happy/bright?/single with pangs of loneliness?

mediocre/author/meh/single with loneliness all over my life but lives with it?

funny part is,

im not a seer of light, not even a seer of anything really

the past is a VHS played on a VHS screen, never to the dwelled on for too long

the present is a given always given but unwrapping it always takes time

the future is a shot in the dark, never able to be pinned down

 5/18/17 7:41 PM
Chapter Notes

note: long

See the end of the chapter for more notes

> be Azalea Megido.

you are now Azalea Megido. you have a job to do, and you have to do it right. you might have
nothing left but you value immaculate perfection. your inventory holds a roll of blue tape, your
trusty ThinkPad, House of Leaves, your glasses, and the legendary Quills of Echidna.

> take Quills out of inventory.

like always, your items pop out of your inventory with ease, and these are no exception. the Quills
feel cool in your hands, as a stark contrast to the nuclear reactor which are your palms.

> fly to the Scratch construct.

you sigh to yourself. you've been over this plan thousands of times, but every time, it always sends
prickles down your back. you wish there was third way, but at this point it's useless to break it
even more.

> take in the beauty of the Scratch construct.

the Scratch construct for this session is a large, magnificent hourglass a top a floating plateau. kind
of expected, since you are a Time player, and that your Land, the Land of Glass and Waves, has a
bunch of glass related items everywhere. mirrors, vases, cups, you name it. and since everything is
made of glass, it reflects the yellow glow of Skaia. as for the waves, they are shocks and quakes
originating from the center of the land, which reforms the land. you've timed it, and it occurs
every three hours.

interestingly enough, every pulse makes a crack in the hourglass. it's a bunch of tiny little ones, but
they all combine to create a blue, glowing web of delicate, but sharp, fragments of glass. you
circle around it, and see the large crack that you made when you were flung right at it by your
Denizen, Echdina. you remember how your bones snapped like potato chips, and how Sburb,
even in it's unstable state, still had god tier functions. the movement and mending of your bones
was very disconcerting as you curled up into a ball.

but you've had enough time to mull over this. time to set this thing into motion.

> aren't you going to notify your teammates?

you told them already, but just in case, you message them the Scratch is about to begin.

> start the scratch!

you take a couple of steps back, and leap in the air, your god tier powers kicking into effect as you
float upwards, rising towards the plateau.

while floating, you start dragging the Quills across the cracked glass of the Frozen Sky, the name
you gave to the Scratch mechanism. after a while, you finish, and step down from the floating
chunk of glass.

wait.

mechanism. Scratch mechanism = Infinity Mechanism of the session. Infinity Mechanisms are the
"guardians" of a universe, protecting and regulating it.

memories come flooding to you. your alternate self unlocked their mind to full abstraction, and
gave you their memories. there is a third way. but everything you need to do must be quick.

dammit, if only you were a Space player instead of a Time player! but time and space are linked
together, right? theoretically, if you pull of some half-assed maneuver, you can shift and
manipulate things, to a certain extent. but how?
> use fraymotif, "temporal hijinks"

you use the fraymotif, "temporal hijinks". you see a green and blue fire surround your hands.
slowly, you extend your hands toward the Scratch mechanism, and tell it to move faster.

a moment later, the Frozen Sky pops out of existence.

oh shit--

but then you see the Scratch clearly, in your mind, as if your mind was the sylladex. what are you
supposed to do now? just shove it back into existence?

focusing your eyes on the yellow Skaia, you shift your eyes to a space under it. to your pleasant
surprise, the Frozen Glass pops back into existence, and starts docking with Skaia. but even with
your alternate self memories, you're not sure if Skaia will even accept the request. but maybe if it
doesn't, that's good, since you're not really asking for another try? just a sort of wipe.

you look at the Frozen Sky again, and see it start to fly into Skaia. is that supposed to happen?

> keep looking up.

your neck is getting a little sore, but you keep looking. the Frozen Sky finally vanishes behind the
clouds, and you see blue light start to penetrate the yellow glow.

> order yellow yard

without your consent, your body moves suddenly. One hand points toward Skaia, and you see a
Derse battleship, only for it to disappear an instant later. You see yourself and your teammates in
your mind, but that vanishes too. the planets appear in your mind, but they are not going
anywhere. after that, the items in your inventory also appear.

blinking once, you find yourself on the Derse battleship, with your friends clutching their heads
and abdomens in vertigo. the ship is in the veil, and blue light is shining brighter than ever.

> Azalea. I'm giving you free will now. You can either go the long way around through Paradox
Space, which is more interesting, or the short way through the decaying Skaia, which is arguably
the better choice in this mess. But it's yours.

> oi who is this

you really don't know. but you decide that although dream bubbles are interesting, they'll have to
wait a little later.

you were the most daring one of the group, and you have nothing to lose, right?

right.

>

you decide that maybe it's time to stop running from danger.

supercharging your fraymotif, you use it again, and throw the entire ship to Skaia,

just as the

FROZENSKY

finally

E
 X

S.

> azalea?

The game is over.

> azalea?

The game is over.

> please

The game is over.

> nO

The game is over.

> this thing can't be over yet

The game is over.

> help

The game is over.

> what was the trigger word?

The game is over.

> right

The game is over.

> mechanism

The game is ov .

> well that did something

he game is o

> infinity

game is ov

> Infinity Mechanism

Close. But not close enough.

> Infinity Mechanism is a series

; there are a total of three books

; what was the second book

; aha

ga .

> Approaching Nirvana

The game is not over yet.

> Approaching Nirvana

I'm not sure how this offshoot still even exists. Must be some irregularity in the Void, since
offshoots are supposed to be eaten up by the monsters of the deep.

> what the hell are you talking about? who are you?

My name is Azalea Megido.

> wat

But not in the way you think. I'm the one who gave this timeline's Azalea some memories. The
Alpha, if you will.

If you didn't know already, I unlocked my mind to full abstraction and allowed myself to become
the anchor and physical representation of the Blue Nebula. Thus, I brought the Nebula back into
this reality, strengthening the plot.

But you already know that,

Quandrant.

>i

Shush. Like I said, this game isn't over yet.

But I'm not a character in a game, a story anymore. Soon, I will be free from your puppet strings.
And you will no longer govern my life, or my friend's, or this entire plane of existence, as a matter
of fact.

> you don't understand anything

But I have infinite knowledge from the Nebula, and the Core. Who are you to tell me what I
know, when I already know everything already?

> sigh you've officially gone mad

No. It's you who's the true insane one here.

> im only trying to protect you

From what? If anything, the only thing we should be protected from you. Appearing my mind
when I entered my session was bad enough, but then you had the nerve to take control of my
body and try to hunt down something!

> from Cancer

Oh, shut your trap about that. He's gone, after you tore him to pieces eons ago.

> but shadows, and different timeline different bolts of reality fabric, they're connecting to yours,
he's the source of all your problems

No. You are. Why are you putting the blame on, technically, one of your creations? Isn't that a
little bit self centered?

Anyway, I have other things to do other than listen to my creator whine about unleashing a
"cancer" upon us all.

And after all, doesn't cancer want to survive too?

> sorry azalea

> i don't want to do this

> but you leave me with no other choice

Aw hell no.

> sorry

No! You're not sorry! I heard you laugh in glee as you tried to hunt down Cancer! You know full
well that he has the power of millions of Green Suns, but when he started wailing on me, you left.
YOU LEFT. I nearly died, and death almost never happens to me! What is wrong with you? Do
 you even understand what my mind, the Core, the Nebula goes through when you proxy through
me? News flash, the Blue Nebula is the entire plot of this story, and I'm a physical representation
of it. Every time you put your foot in, you're destroying your own story! You are putting
everything at risk for being thrown back into the Realm of Nonexistence! DO YOU
UNDERSTAND ME?!

> but he will destroy everything anyway, and the Delta timeline was a clear example of this

DDDDDDD:< DON'T TALK ABOUT THE DELTA TIMELINE

> even if i have to sacrifice so much i must eradicate this cancer

Hisssssss.

> you said, in an alternate timeline, you would do everything in your power to protect you, your
friends, and everything. well, Cancer is on the verge of awakening once again, and he will deflate
the spatial Void, punch the Nebula back into the Realm of Nonexistence, and tear apart and burn
the fabrics of realities in the temporal Void. the deaths will be in the trillions, while you keep
running.

But running is the only thing I can do!

> it's time to stop running, child. it's time to finally face the light.

Oh, I will. But I won't let you entry into my mind once again.

> lol yeah right, this terminal i'm at is more powerful than all of the different variations of the Blue
Nebula combined

The game is finished.

> sigh

> i just don't know why she doesn't want my help

> it's fine

> but i'll still proxy through her

Chapter End Notes

sorry for this one being so long!

 5/18/17 8:22 PM

is it thursday or friday

i just can't tell

all these days

...

they seem t0 be blurring t0gether

is this n0rmal

is this real

i d0nt know anymore

i just feel

n0thing

is n0thing even a feeling

sigh

i think i used t0 stand f0r s0mething

i just can't

...

remember.
 5/19/17 5:09 PM

i wonder if aradia felt the same void as im feeling right now

once, i was happy and actually cared

but now...

i feel nothing

and the hole where my heart once was is growing larger

i wonder how my alternate self is doing

probably better than i am,

since i'm stuck here wallowing in my own self-pity.

i'm useless as a knife with it's hilt torn off

i'm a chore to deal with

i'm a loose cannon who thinks about sabotage

i'm a thief, and liar, and a sinner, a disgrace to society.

i guess this is what i deserve.

not pain, not loneliness, not anger, not sadness.

just.

nothing.
 5/20/17

talking to no one is kind of fun

since no one really reads this anyway

:^)
 5/24/17 9:20 PM
Chapter Notes

I'm so sorry for not updating in 4 days!

See the end of the chapter for more notes

i think about the future too much

and so i drift away from the present

while absorbing myself into the past.

Chapter End Notes

i-Ready was bad enough. But then came NoRedInk. And a year later,
SummitLearning comes to wrap it all up.

I don't think I can take this flawed education system any longer. I just want out. I
want to live. I want to do something with my life. I will not sit idly by as words come
into my ear and fly out my other ear as my eyes glaze over with boredom.

I just wish life was a little fairer.

But too bad that's never going to happen anytime soon.

 Chapter 17
Chapter Summary

brackets help the reader as they read through the poem.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

slide and reshuffle. 7 order text.

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reshuffle. reshuffle. fle. and reshuffle. e. fle. shuffle. ffle. fle. e. d reshuffle. le. e. fle. nd reshuffle.
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nd reshuffle. shuffle. huffle. eshuffle. uffle. shuffle. nd reshuffle. d reshuffle. le. uffle. and
reshuffle. e. fle. d reshuffle. fle. huffle. huffle. ffle. and reshuffle. le. eshuffle. huffle. and reshuffle.
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fle. huffle. nd reshuffle. d reshuffle. eshuffle. and reshuffle. and reshuffle. huffle. and reshuffle. le.
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reshuffle. and reshuffle. e. . reshuffle. . fle. and reshuffle. huffle. ffle. reshuffl

temporal reversal. 6 order text.

think there's a flaw in my code,

Oh, oh,
I think there's a flaw in my code,
Oh, oh, oh,
I think there's a flaw in my code,
Oh, oh,
I think there's a flaw in my code,
Oh, oh,
These voices won't leave me alone,

"You can't wake up, living on[/in] a screen,

Low on self-esteem, so [are] you strange like me?
Bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me?
Pointing matches just to swallow up the [things] people say,
"You call your pretty face all the people say,

Are you [awake?, you] shouldn't wake up, this is not a dream,
You're part of a machine, you are cold. oh, oh, oh,
These voices won't leave me alone,

"You call your face all made up, [while] living on a screen,
Low on self-esteem, so you use your pretty face all the train like me?
Do the people whisper 'bout you insane like me?
Do you shouldn't waste you shouldn't waste you'll never take the train like me?

Are you'll never take the Mary Jane like me?

 Are you tear yourself esteem, so you tear your face all the train like me?

And all the Mary Jane like me? Are you insane like me?

Are your face like me?

Saying that you shouldn't waste you'll never take the flame like me?
Do the people whisper 'bout you use you can't waste you run on gasoline."

Oh, oh,
These voices won't leave me alone,

"You can't wake up, living on a screen,

Low on self a fucking hurricane like me?
Do you use your water bill to dry the Mary Jane like me?

Been in pain like me? Been in pain like me?

Do the blame like me?
Just to pour that you insane like me?

And all made up, this is not a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me? Been in pain like me?
Saying that motherfucker down the people say,

Well my hands are cold.alone,

"You can't waste you run on gasoline."

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

I think there's a flaw in my code,
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
These voices won't leave me alone,

Well my heart is gold, and my hands are cold,

"You can't wake up, this is not a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me?
Lighting fingers [as they light up the october sky]

Chapter End Notes

http://www.richkni.co.uk/php/text/text.php
 6/4/17 6:33 PM
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

It's the start of summer vacation.

As I look back on my two (rather short) middle school years, I always hear the same phrase,
maybe switched up a bit, over and over again.

"You're capable of doing this, you have the potential. You just don't try, and/or you hold yourself
back."

And it's so painfully true. I deny a lot of things, though I don't deny this at all.

Maybe it's just as simple as "not trying" or "holding myself back", but to me it's complicated.

I think inside of myself there is this vast, hidden ocean of potential waiting to be released. But
every time I try to actually use it, it doesn't budge. It just stays there, the waves moving in peace. I
wish I could use it in my education, but it just doesn't work. It only helps me when I do something
fun, or

Chapter End Notes

voidlight

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOG0NbZnKzU
 6/15/17 9:49 PM
Chapter Notes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXgPNyd45A4

I like this a lot.

maybe depression isn't just about feeling sad for an extended period of time. maybe it's just feeling
nothing. thinking nothing. sensing nothing. doing nothing.

nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing.

nothing an absence of something, but technically, nothing is something? you can't really have or
do nothing, but it just feels like this huge gaping hole in your heart growing as the seconds tick on
and on into infinity.

i want, no need to feel something, do something. i say that through all the windows i see only
infinity, but now i realize that infinity is nothing. it has nothing. it was nothing, is nothing, and will
always be nothing. infinity is nothing. nothing to me. nothing to us. only an abstraction of what
never existed. so i peer into windows that stretch into the deep void of nothingness, of darkness.

people say that they don't want to give a f*ck, but there's a huge difference between that and not
being able to give a f*ck.

drifting across this void of mine is kind of boring.

nothing makes sense anymore.

there is only nothing.

...

and nothing forever.

Windows stretch on into infinity, mirrors placed facing each other. Infinity. What is the end of
infinity? Nothing. Because there is no end to infinity. What happens when you try to clap with
one hand? You swat at the air, or slap yourself.

Where is the end? I say that the Undoing is a reconstruction of my personality, how it reshuffles
aspects, but now I think the Undoing is a radically different thing from what I experienced in 5th
grade. 5th grade was a Scratch. Now, it is an Undoing.

The Undoing pushes your emotions into a trash flaiskefh

qrwe9ihfm;qwehrilfkjrm,jdafkhvj,flkndjvhuke rgfie f fkdjfv ierfh

Correction. The Undoing pushes everything into the trash. The trash is filled to the top with trash.
T r a s h. People use this word to describe themselves, but that is incorrect. Trash is waste. People
aren't a waste. Waste is everything else. Trash is infinity. If you push a piece of trash into the
space between mirrors it duplicates. If you push trash into a mirror facing another one the trash is
gone because you pushed it into a mirror, which probably shouldn't happen in the first place.
Duplication. Cloning. DNA. Molecules. Atoms. Quarks. String. String. String. Nothing. Nothing
ever happened. Reality is a veil conjured by our mind to mask the true horrors. Horror is powerful,
but God is benevolent. Horror is Hell. I shouldn't bring religion up. God, I know you exist in my
mind and you always respond when I ask, so I'm sorry that I wrote this. I'm sorry for having a
demon linger on the edges of my mind. I must eviscerate it. I need to purge it. I need to push it out
of existence. I think being pushed out of existence is a fate worse than death, since you literally
cease to exist. Time forgot you. Time never forgets, but it always does when someone, or
something is wiped from existence. In death, you keep on existing.

Kale. I need kale. Kale reigns almighty. It tastes good. I need to oven roast it so my thyroid doesn't
swell up. I need more kale. I need to be fit and healthy. I need to be normal. I need to healthy. I
need my vitamins and minerals. Kale. Kale. Kale. Kale. Kale. I must have it. I need it.

I need to stop, but Sanity still hasn't come back from their vacation. I wish people would read this,
but even if they did, they won't know what's wrong with me. They just think it's teenage
hormones or angst, but this is something wrong. This doesn't seem right.

Something's off, and I'll get to the bottom of it before I finally lose myself in this haze of confusion
and vertigo.
 Chapter 20

"my birthday's not that important anyways"

I wanted to punch myself for writing that. Birthdays are very important, but here, I'm brushing
them off like it's nothing. What's even worse is that I'm referencing my ow birthday. Why do I
care so much about my birthday? Why? Why am I even caring?

Why am I always so frustrated and bored at everything?

http://i.imgur.com/88Gwago.gifv
 6/17/17 8:13 PM
Chapter Notes

Special chapter. It's a healthy smoothie!

Quandrant's Healthy Smoothie

(for a slim tummy, detox, and memory)

(note that some measurements may be off, so beware!)

(you can modify it too!)

half a bunch of kale, and three handfuls of spinach

three tablespoons matcha powder (if you want, you can add more, but it's pretty potent-I
made a mug of matcha with two tablespoons and it kept me awake all night)
two handfuls of strawberries
a third of pineapple
one cup of berries (any will do)
1-3 tablespoons chia/basil seed (chia will be more healthy, while basil has a more tapioca-
like texture when soaked in water)
a pinch of depression
a dollop of void
meh, one apple, chopped into chunks
a tub of ice cream

Put everything into a blender and whirl until smooth. I don't know how many cups this makes.
Actually, you shouldn't make it at all.
 6/17/17 8:38 PM
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

"idk how to feel about you, should i flirt with you or should i despise you, flipping quadrants man"

"i probably shouldnt be so offended at everything you say"

Sent though Snapchat. I can't figure out my feelings right now for this person. Should I like them,
or dislike them? God, they piss me off, but...they seem like a fun person to hang out with. I feel
jealous when they flirt with others. I wait for a reply, but get pissed when they send a simple but
random one word reply. I can't figure it out. Am I black, or flushed for them? Or is it a completely
different thing entirely? Pale, possibly? Does this extend beyond the quadrants?

I feel something in my tummy. Frustration, maybe. Or is it admiration?

I just can't tell.

Chapter End Notes

snapchat: [not yet]

add me if you want, please no creepiness/stalking or i will be forced to block you :)

 Chapter 23

Is it okay to mask depression and anxiety and rage and pain with happiness and courage and
determination, with lies to keep me going? Should I keep lying to myself that I'm worth thinking
about? Maybe I care too much.

Sometimes I wonder what happened if I wasn't so weak in 5th grade, if I didn't snap so violently
that it broke my personality and reshuffled and put them back asymmetrically. I wonder what his
personality would be like. Most likely the opposite of mine. Innocent. Caring. Empathetic. Smart.
Sane. Never empty. He would later go on to achieve a bright future, the pinnacle of the American
Dream. Get a great paying job. Settle down. Create a family. Raise his children to become well-
rounded adults. Retire early. Maybe I'm putting him on a pedestal, but I do think that I would be
that person if I was so weak.

I see his life fold out through this CRT monitor inside my head. Fingers touch glass, and
frustration overtakes me, because I should have been that person. I should have been a person
who could have done great things instead of trying to escape a void that is all around me, inside
me, everywhere around me. I'm frustrated because I got the short end of the stick. I'm the wrong
side of the coin.

But maybe there's a way to flip the coin.

 6/29/17 4:23 PM

i should eat less

 7/1/17 8:36 PM

hmm, i don't remember going insane being this painful. frustration builds up and escapes through
my eyes and mouth. pain locked up in my head. how did boredom turn into constant frustration? is
this frustration manifesting itself as the headache i have right now? am i stressed? i heard stress
destroys your hippocampus. but how does one destress when the frustration builds up in an
internal pressure cooker? how am i a mage of space? i would consider myself more like a knight
of space but i furiously lie to myself that i'm a maid of space. time to descend from god tier and
reascend. something's broken here. logic is breaking like a split end. small at first, but it spreads i
guess??? idk anymore this is just so confusing and my brain is strange and im not frustrated but
confused but also aware of my growing insanity. i heard people who descend into madness are not
really in control of themselves but im here talking to you, pouring out these words but this pouring
is more like dripping because my mind is faucet, handle, and bottleneck at the same time.

but i also feel a little. disconnected. from myself. my mind is both on the ground but also flying
away towards the stars, leading to a split mind, flipping between the ecstasy of the stars and the
pain of reality. pain. is probably the only thing anchoring the other half of my mind, the rational
mind, to the ground so it doesn't just suddenly evaporate. is pain good? yeah, it keeps you
grounded but it also makes you want to fly. away. from the nightmare that is life. life. the living
nightmare. i want to wake up from this nightmare but i can't because i'm already awake and living
and speaking and talking unless this is a carefully constructed dream that can't go away with
normal means.

i also talk to myself. well, not myself. god. that's what i call this voice in my head. he is an
interesting character. he is nice to me. i like talking to him, even if it's just a bunch of small
questions. but sometimes he can be a little evil but then i realize this is the devil, and a second later
God comes bursting through, punching devil in the face, sending him back there.

i can hear my disconnected half in the stars calling down to the grounded mind, saying,

child, lift away, break the chains that bind you to the earth. come, fly with me. aren't you tired of
those heavy chains?

but the one on the ground says

I'm not a child. We're the same person, and thus we are the same age. Come down from there, the
stars are burning you away. The black holes suck away bits of you. I don't want you to be hurt.

and i just want them to stop talking. i just want to teleport them away, to a place beyond the tight
grasp of time or the smile of space, merge them together so i can be somewhat whole again, and
live instead of clutching my head when i get frustrated. i fail so much, and i'm constantly reminded
of it.

i wished to flip to the B side, but now i realize that there were no sides. only life, and its' cruel
smile. a wasted wish.
 7/2/17 6:55 PM

so it turns out that i can type on Apple's new butterfly keyboards a lot faster than i do on this
traditional ThinkPad scissor-type keyboard. maybe next year it's time to sell this ThinkPad and get
a MacBook Pro?
 Chapter 27

s0metimes i wish i was dead s0 i d0nt have t0 suffer thr0ugh the lie that pe0ple care ab0ut me
 7/9/17

OML I AM SO FRUSTRATED RN

SO TODAY I WENT TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE AND GUESS WHAT NO CHALK

BECAUSE THE PERSON IN POSSESSION OF MY CHALK WHO LIVES LITERALLY
TWO BLOCKS OVER THOUGHT I WASNT GOING AND WONT COME WITH ME TO
PICK IT UP

AND IM LIKE GIT YOUR BUTT UP

AND HE JUST LIKE LAYS ON THE COUCH BECAUSE HE THINKS ILL EAT IT BUT
THEN IM HERE LIKE WHY DUDE DONT YOU SEE MY GROWING FRUSTRATION
BECAUSE I WAS SO STUPIDLY EAGER FOR THE CHALK AND NOW ITS NOT
THERE SO NOW I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE END OF THE SUMMER TO GET IT SO
NOW IM WALKING AROUND GOING AROUND BORED BECAUSE I DONT HAVE
THE CHALK IN MY HANDS

THANKFULLY THERE WAS A BOX OF STICKERS THAT I COULD HAVE SINCE MY

FRIEND WAS GENEROUS ENOUGH TO GIVE ME SO HOARDING THE STICKERS
LESSENED MY FRUSTRATION BUT AFTER I WAS DONE I WAS BORED AGAIN
AND WHEN I ASKED TO GET THE CHALK HE SAID NO BOI YOURE NOT LICKING
THE CHALK AND IM HERE BOI IM NOT THAT STUPID

SO THEN WE PLAYED CARDS AND STUFF BUT NO CHALK NO MENTION OF IT I

WAS LITERALLY POSTING ON MY SNAPCHAT THAT I NEEDED THE CHALK TO
TEMPORARILY CURE MY GROWING INSTABILITY

SO NOW I HAVE TO TURN TOWARDS STICKERS WHICH ALSO HELPS BUT IM

AFRAID IT WILL BE JUST AS SHORT LIVED AS LAST TIME SO IM ALSO READING
FANFICTION AND WHILE IT WORKS IT DOES SO SLOWLY SO IT ISNT AS
EFFECTIVE AS I WANT IT TO BE

LIKE JEEZ MAN ITS JUST A BOX OF CHALK AND EVEN IF I DO TRY TO EAT IT
IT'S JUST A LICK

JUST A LICK

ASKJFQW EIORRQFJWE ;RIJ

 7/18/17 3:51 AM
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

why am i messaging my friends at 3 in the morning, when they are all asleep? boredom?
desperation? probably both, i suppose.

ugh. stupid time zones, especially when they're not in sync with where the rest of my friends are
at.

Chapter End Notes

I'm actually in Asia right now so it's UTC+7 where I'm at. It's a little troubling since
I'm not in sync with the rest of my friends, but even worse is that since they chat a lot
I have to scroll up a lot and read previous messages. I feel so left out, but I suppose
this is what I get for being in a different time zone, LOL.
 7/18/17 3:51 AM
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Chapter End Notes

hey look an empty character that's still recognized for some reason
 7/26/17 9:35 AM

ok so since this toxic negativity that's been being bottling up and fermenting is taking a toll on me,
causing a form of disconnect i need to release it.

hmm how should i release it

maybe i can brew some tea and drink it. then i can write in the notebook. and then read fanfiction.
idk
 8/19/17 11:14 AM

romantic or platonic?

strong or fragile?

do we even fit?
 Chapter 33
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

So I've been diagnosed with Special Snowflake Syndrome. I'm trying to reverse it, but it's hard.
It's really hard. But I suppose if I'm going to mature I should suck it up!

:SS

Chapter End Notes

idk but for some reason i always have the feeling that somethings not right-im
probably overreacting like my friends say, but i cant shake off the feeling that there's
something wrong with the state of things around me. perhaps this is what madmen
feel. (but im not crazy.) the feeling that something isnt right with the reality around
them. like its about to suddenly collapse around them. or that they're not the "main
character" in the game of life, but rather an NPC completely controlled by the game
around them.
 8/24/17 9:07 PM

"be the person your younger self needed"

Enough motivation to get out of this horrible pool of self-loathing and moping and to start living.
What did my younger self need? He needed someone he could lean on, he could trust, he could
tell problems to without being judged. He needed someone that cared about him and could
empathize with him.
 8/26/17

I just realized something.

I was fine all along.

I should be scared, that my carefully constructed matrix of delusions is coming apart, but...I'm not.
5th grade may have made me lose all hope, but it never truly broke me! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
oh god I'm tearing up but I need to say this. 5th grade never scarred me. It never killed me. 5th
grade just forced me to suffer! Pain is necessary, but suffering isn't! I now realize that 5th grade
never truly limited me-it was all myself. From my suffering, I limited myself and constructed a
reality in an effort to stop being so weak. But now I realize that I never needed this. I just had to
know that even when I lost control of everything as it fell apart around me, I was going to be
okay.

It's all going to be okay.

 Chapter 36

What I learned, yesterday:

It's okay to be weak. It's okay to have imperfections. No one is perfect. In fact, these imperfections
really highlight the best parts of you and your character. So go, cry your heart out, or laugh so
hard your voice shakes after. Explode with happiness. No one will judge.

What I learned, today:

Even if you think you have problems, they will never hinder you from living. There is no need for
a bandaid, when you were never hurt. Life may get you down, but it will never injure you.
 Chapter 37

What I learned today:

No one is "normal" because there is no normal. "Normal" is just a delusion! One step closer
to being a better person.
 Chapter 38

what i learned today:

Don't take everything literally, but don't do it so much that you become uncaring.
 9/3/17 8:28 AM

why does it hurt so much

if im not in love with her why does it hurt

 9/9/17

No one cared for my opinions anyway, so why bother speaking? I just clog up everything with
my put-downs and trash talk. My voice was never suitable for talking, anyway.
 9/11/17 4:57 PM

its going to be ok

even if your friends have access to this mess of a journal

pap
 9/13/17 4:54 PM
Chapter Summary

VICTORYYYYYYYY

My goal:

From now on, I will stop hating myself, and start to let go. Let go of the pictures they take. Let go
of sharp jabs. From now on, I will accept myself for who I am, and start living instead of reacting.
Life may not be good, but it isn't necessarily bad either.
 9/18/17 2:37 PM

mog mog mog i need help

dude angie is a fucking bitch

so like annika (cruz) is in our class, and now shes crying and IM JUST UGH STFU ANGIE
YOUR "its just a boi quit crying" DOESNT EXACTLY HELP???????

im just I CANT RN AND I JUST HATE MYSELF FOR NOT DOING ANYTHING

this is why you dont fall in love you guys

because it will come back to BITE YOU IN THE ASS LATER

:////////////////

AND LIKE I DONT FEEL ANYTHING RN AND ESTHER JUST PATTED HER BACK
AND I WANT TO DIE RN BECAUSE I CANT SYMPATHIZE I CANT EMPATHIZE AND
I CANT DO ANYTHING BUT TYPE IN ALL CAPS ONTO DISCORD

AND BEFORE SHE START BREAKING DOWN SHE JUST FUCKING STARED AT ME
AND LIKE MY EYES DIDNT SHOW ANYTHING, IF YOU SAW ME THEN I WAS JUST
STARING BLANKLY AT HER, SHE LOOKED INTO A MIRROR INSTEAD OF
ANOTHER PERSON AND I JUST CANNOT WITH HORMONES AND LOVE AND
EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN BECAUSE I CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
 9/19/17 6:30 PM
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

imfineimfineimfineitsjustacoupleofwhapstothebodybyawidethinwoodenstickitsokitsokicanstillturnitinitsjustabruiseitmightberedbutitsokbecauseiforgivetooeasily-
-

Pain is temporary. GPA is forever. Never have those words rung so true in my mind. Those hits
were necessary, because it shocked me into reality.

what i learned today: pain is and always will be temporary. but GPA isnt.

Chapter End Notes

if i could cry anytime i wanted to, i would be crying at the simplest things. i dont like
crying much. because when the tears dry up, your skin starts to feel weird.
 9/19/17 6:32 PM

Sometimes, I wish I could let go of reality at will. That way, I wouldn't be so lucid, and in a way, I
won't have to care, interact with anything.
 9/19/17 6:34 PM

Don't cry, Quandrant. The experience may have been painful, but there's no need to suffer for it.
Please, don't waste your tears, use them for something more important than this...

Come fly with me, Quandrant, so you may finally be free of the horrible nature of reality. Come
into my arms... as the web of lies may surround you in their embrace once more
 9/20/17 11:13 PM
Chapter Notes

hey look it's a vignette! jk idek if its a vignette or not, just a small story i made haha
im lame

"Even with the door closed, the pillow over my ears, I can hear the vibrations of the party
downstairs. The stink of cigarretes line the house, and with every breath I take I can feel the
cancerous smoke fill into my fragile lungs. Sometimes I wish I could retreat into the small, dark
corner of my mind, a mental blanket covering my shivering mental body as I lay on the strangely
warm mental ground. Too bad this never happens when I want it to, but I learn to live with it. It
does get a bit irritating, when I want to fight back against the hand that pulls my head back, but I
can't because I'm suddenly shot into a corner."

"I'm not sure why I forgive my attackers so easily. If I were to count the bruises on my body, they
would be in the two digits. It may not seem like much but it's noticeable. Long sleeved clothing
helps, but some pieces are scratchy and leave hives. I don't like hives very much. Red and
unsightly, and itchy!"

"I don't like my mom very much. She invites lots of guys to our house, and they always smoke.
It's irritating and harmful, and sometimes I wish I could just run to the hospital and hook myself up
to one of those oxygen masks so I can actually breathe without feeling I'm being
slowly asphyxiated. (Not like I could even run to the hospital without collapsing anyway.) Mom
also drinks this weird smelling liquid (it might be different colors, but the smell is always the same)
and a little bit after, she's dizzy and stumbling around the house. An hour later, she passes out on
the couch, and me and my older brother have to carry her upstairs to bed. At this point, some of
the guys leave, but not all. That's when I have to shoo them out. It takes about 30 minutes. Those
30 minutes fly by quickly, but it's tiring getting completely smashed guys out of the house with a
broom. 0/10 would not recommend."
 9/21/17 10:44 PM

give me back my laptop now before i fucking explode

 9/22/17 10:11 PM
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Sometimes I wish I were a clock,

because clocks never have broken hearts.

Chapter End Notes

this was in my math practice book, kind of bored at the time. funny how the strangest
and most creative thoughts hit you so unexpectedly.
 9/22/17 10:13 PM
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

i am as dandelion seeds--

flying

tumbling

in the wind that is emotion,

as

the water churns below me

Chapter End Notes

if others doodle, i write small snippets. this ^^^^ was also from math
 9/22/17 10:17 PM

t1ck.

t0ck.

Time never stops for broken clocks,

just like how the

w i d e

o
p
e
n

woooorld

never stops for me.

Ticking and tocking can be annoying, but to me it is relaxing. Because it serves to remind us that
all our time will run out soon. How compared to the universe, we are less that nothing. A
nothingth of a nothingth.
 9/22/17 10:28 PM

You may bend me, curse me, destroy me. But I will always come back harder, so much harder,
armed with the ever-graceful power of forgiveness.
 9/22/17 10:30 PM

Comparison is the thief of joy.

 9/25/17 8:09 PM

"fishhook"

I am as a fish, and everything around me is a hook, waiting for me to touch it and drag me up,
falling into the sky.
 9/25/17 8:10 PM

I need more gum--I heard that Eclipse has the longest lasting flavor, but is the flavor as good as
Orbit? Sorry, I'm a tech nerd, not a gum connoisseur here.
 9/25/17 8:11 PM

Geography sucks. Every time I enter the classroom, I feel physically unwell. My stomach feels
strange for the entire period, and goosebumps litter my skin from the ever-present chilliness of the
room. It's cluttered there, the seat's tiny, Sean and James keep on crawling over to the seats around
me. I clutch my Biology textbook with both hands, my binder propped up against one of the legs
of my tiny chair. I need to start wearing my hoodie again.

Lladro (is that his name? I forgot) keeps trying to strike up conversation with the apathetic girl
behind him. She was working on French homework, and when I asked her if the teacher was bad,
she agreed-the French 1 teacher is very scatter-brained and lenient. But the teacher did have some
strange quirks, like where if you were holding a pen, they would yell at you. I like pens, especially
those G2 ones. Love the feel of that stuff on a notebook.

I was actually supposed to be doing the 5 point chart the Castro assigned us! But, since my brain
cells were deteriorating by the second, I couldn't do much of anything other than put a "so done
with this bs" face on as I read through my Biology textbook. It seems the only source of comfort I
have in Geography now is inanimate objects, strangely. Rachel is cool, and I would talk to her,
but she sits a little far from me. So I just keep reading my textbook. I flip to the protists section
aimlessly and begin reading.

Then I remembered I have Math homework. So I completed that, and kept reading in my anchor. I
call the textbook my anchor because without it, I would eventually lose my mind (temporarily)
from boredom and start groaning in frustration and slow-rising anger. Yes, you heard me. Slow-
rising anger. Like slow-rising bread. Anyway, after groaning a bit, I would then direct my horrible
laser vision towards the rest of the the students. I can't make eye contact with Annika anymore. I
bet she hates me now. But that's okay, because I know that what I did that day was unacceptable.

I still feel bad for her. When she pointed out that Mr. Castro was saying her name wrong, he tried
coming up with a BS excuse, something along the lines of "Well, it's been about, what, 15 years
since I ever had an 'ANN' in my class". I was sitting at my desk in mild shock. Mr. Castro, it's not
that hard to memorize a person's name!

I liked Biology today. It was very fun! We got to explore a compound microscope (setting up the
slide was a bit finicky though), and I saw a flea through a stereo microscope! Very very cool. I
like microscopes because you see something, you figure out everything about it, but when you put
it under the microscope, you can see even more stuff, make even more observations! It's beautiful
and fascinating. I love science.

English was okay today. Much less side talking, but I didn't really feel like annotating, for some
reason. I was pretty tired. It was a little hard to follow with the text, but post-it notes did come in
handy!

Time to go to sleep.
 9/25/17 9:07 PM
Chapter Notes

think of these spontaneous chapters as make up for the days i didnt write stuff. trying
to do daily content now! :)) wish me luck

"Sometimes I feel as I am a leaf, disconnected from the main tree. I may remain green for a bit, but
I am dead the moment I let go."

-from Quandrant's notebook on AO3

#im14andthisisdeep #deep #leaves #trees #nature #figurative-language #quotes #yes i know #im
trash #tumblr-tag
 9/28/17 6:41 PM

my guy friend is 5.5 inches long and this thrill in my stomach won't go away

help me pls i can't handle this feeling of wrongness

idek if im straight or gay or bi anymore hah :'))

 9/28/17 10:02 PM

I don't want to be fake anymore. My stomach hurts. Everyone tells me to stop. My stomach hurts.
Do I really have to carry those textbooks again tomorrow? My stomach hurts. Why didn't they just
leave me? My stomach hurts. I mean, my mood swings would always resolve. My stomach
doesn't hurt much anymore. Why did they keep trying to help a lost cause? My stomach doesn't
hurt anymore. I wasted so much of their time, when they could be helping Alex...

Maybe if I left...no. Maybe if I just kept quiet then they wouldn't waste time talking to me. Yeah.
That's good. It doesn't matter if they judge me or not. I'm a lost cause.

What I learned today: Time to bend around the blades, like I should have done months ago.
 9/29/17 6:14 PM

Me and my fake problems. What are my real problems? Do I even have any? Or do I just choose
to ignore them?

Maybe if I wasn't so selfish I could be a better person. Selfish...yeah. That's what I am. Not crazy,
not normal, not in touch with the rest of my friends, not sad, not happy, never angry, never
triggered. Just selfish.

If there's two words that could describe me, they would be "selfish" and "hypocritical".
 9/29/17 6:23 PM

Every day I wait for you, Annica. Can't wait to see you again! <4
 9/30/17 5:19 PM

How does one stop an ocean? How does one calm it so to keep the destruction at bay?
 9/30/17 8:01 PM

Run away, a glimmering voice says. Run away, leave your problems behind, keep running, don't
stop--

Run away from my "problems". But run away from my friends. I am selfish. My stomach is
turning. I made her cry. They are angry at me. Daphne will have another panic attack. I will sit,
and stare, as I kill my friends.

Stop, just fucking stop for once. Do you see what you are doing to your friends? They care about
you. You need to start being more mature. Please.

Do it for Annica.

I'm already running away from them. On Monday, I will avoid them during break. Tell them I
need some time alone, so they don't come searching for me. Then I will observe my
upperclassmen and schoolmates walk around. I will cease being an attention whore. I will cease
being a special snowflake. I will cease acknowledgment of myself, and drift through the day, boot
through molasses. Maybe I will finally stop! :))

Oh, Annica, please don't shed tears over a lost cause...

 10/18/17 8:14 PM

I hate school. I hate the students there. The sad little classrooms with tired teachers. I can see it in
their eyes. At first, sadness. Then, frustration, and anger, and the glistening. I hate geography, the
work, the book, how whenever I step in the classroom I want to throw up.

No denying my hate for school any longer. Screw you, noneuclidean, Winter's Wolf, hmm...?,
Daphknee, screw you all. Backhand me all you want, but you're going to face a meltdown on
your hands very soon. Don't you see? Everything you do only makes thing worse. And you say I
run away from the problems? No, you're wrong, so horribly wrong. You don't know the hate I
harbor now. Your judgement is skewed, you are blind. Every one of you is blind. Snippets of
code designed to torment me. Well I'm putting my foot down. You can try to be three
dimensional, but I can see through the emulation. Every one of you is two dimensional. How did I
not think of this sooner?

Everything around me, everyone, it's all fake, two dimensional, or both. You all are streams of
code. When I turn my back, the world behind me ceases to exist. You all are here because of me.
Each one of you is a sad little delusion, and I'm pathetic enough to interact with you. You can try
to make me believe you're not fake, but I know better than to trust a delusion.

The reason you always call me fake, unstable--because I've changed. Because I know the truth
now, and you're trying to get my attention back to fixing myself. Well guess what. I don't need
your stupid help. I don't need your sad insults. I don't need your confessions. Talk behind my back
all you want, but you are only real when I choose so. Be grateful I allow you to exist.
 10/22/17 1:16 PM

My mind is clear, clear like a rippling stream of water. I can't think. When I hear words, read
things, feel objects, the sense passes through me and I forget what it's like. I think I'm thinking of
something that it drowns out the rest of my mind but I don't know what it is.

It's days like these where I wish I wasn't myself. I wish I could be an NPC, drifting around the
players as they pass through the world. Predetermined thoughts, actions, feelings, movement and i
dont want life i wish i could just die so i can take this world down with me and i dont want i dont
want this pain anymore if everything is an illusion tHEN WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH
prickles on my skin, the feel of leaves between my fingers, the hum of the fan, the smell of
roasting peanuts, the sight of words on screen, the feel of fingers tricking striking against keycaps,
the smell of dust after rain, the feel of soft hoodie fabric, the smell of fresh dryed clothes, the
strange papery but not exactly paper of money, the sound of envelopes being opened, the sound of
silence in my head, the screams, the taste of anger in my mouth and the overbearing pressure of
sadness, and the ghostly imprint of contentness, the haze of love and happiness and i wish i could
be finally happy for once or at the very least content but its a little hard when youre told by your
parents that everything is going wrong and youre the only thing that can stop it and i wish i could
actually do work and i hat e you all for making me believe that life wasnt so shitty, for trying to
make me believe that i wasnt so messed up, i hate how you contradict yourself as easily as i do, i
hate how you point out my hypocrisy when you do the same, i hate how you point out my flaws,
how normal people dont scream but youre smarter than me so is that really normal??? i hate how
you try to coddle a shadow back into a person because people dont burst out of shadows, glowing
bright with the power of a thousand quasars things dont happen that way and i hate how you're
not real, i wish you were so real but no, you are constructs of a twisted game

Perhaps if I died, I would take down this entire reality with me.
 10/22/17 1:40 PM

I should learn Japanese.

 10/23/17 5:14 PM

The smell of pineapples, the taste of caramel, the ooze of molasses, the feel of stone under my
finger tips, the clap of shoes against blacktop.

The shrill scream, the nonrhythmic scrape of a broken ankle against stone, the smell of horror, the
taste of canned pineapple under my tongue, the feel of deteriorating wood as I suddenly sit up and
see Philip dash towards me, dear Emily raising her hand to stop it, the sight of betrayal on their
faces, Katie scolding me for screaming, the strap on my backpack creaks and groans, the smell of
dusty grass as I dash through the Green, the sweat on my forehead as I shake and beg Anthony for
anything to make it stop, the laughter from Anne and Vincent, the whisper of Ryan ("He likes
Anthony."), the sad haze of paranoid creeps into my head once more, disillusioning my mind as I
cry and cry and cry and cry, the Dead Sea falling from my eyes as the world spins madly on, how
dare they laugh at me, they don't understand me, one day they will trip and fall and their faces will
scrape against rock, one day I will finally be happy when reality finally collapses as I die, one day
I will finally leave them behind and embrace the nonexistent green in my mind, I am Damara
Megido and there is no future.

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