Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Alan J Hartley - A-Very-Rude-Joke-Book PDF
Alan J Hartley - A-Very-Rude-Joke-Book PDF
Im Tired
2
There is a very bad car accident. The fire crew arrive on
the scene and cut the badly injured man out of his car with
blood everywhere. Then the ambulance arrives on the
scene with two paramedics in. The victim is unconscious
so the medics start
working on him.
They give him
oxygen and artificial
respiration and they
cant detect a
heartbeat so they
pump on his chest.
After two or three
minutes of this they
still cant find any
sign of life and are just about to give up when a car
screams up and a woman gets out. She rushes over and sits
on the victims face. Within a couple of minutes he is
starting to show signs of life and recover. The paramedic
says to the woman Thats remarkable. What did you do?
Thats easy she replies, He wanted some blood and Im
having a period.
3
The copper then says And what speed were you doing
sir?
About 40 or so, comes the reply.
The copper says I recorded your
speed at 55mph and the speed limit
here is 30mph anyway. May I see
your driving licence please?
Im sorry officer I havent got one
as I never took my test.
Can I see the vehicle registration
document and your insurance?
I have not got any insurance or
other documents because the car is
stolen. There is a gun in the glove
box which I used to kill the woman
who owned the car. Her body is in
the boot.
Stay there sir and dont move.
Then the copper radios for back up.
A helicopter arrives and then the armed response team
screams up and surrounds the car. An armed inspector
approaches the car and he says to the driver Have you got
any identification sir ?
Yes certainly officer. Here is my driving licence and the
man passes over his licence.
Do you have any other documents? Asks the inspector.
Yes certainly officer says the man and adds They are
in the glove box.
4
The Inspector says to him Slowly open the glove box and
take them out with two fingers. This the man does and the
Inspector looks at them and sees that they are perfectly in
order. He also looks in the empty glove box and can clearly
see that there is no gun there. Then he says Would you
open your boot pleases sir?
This the man does and there is nothing there. The Inspector
says I dont understand, my officer said there was a body
in the boot, the car was stolen and you had no documents.
Yes came the reply, and I bet he told you I was
speeding as well.
A five year old little girl is on her first school holidays and
making a nuisance of herself with her mom so her uncle
offers to take her to work with him for the week on his
building site. The builders find her a hard hat and keep her
5
busy carrying tools around the site for the whole week. The
little girl enjoys herself and at the end of the week her
uncle gives her 50p and tells her that it's her wages. The
little girl goes home and tells her mom that she has got 50p
wages so her mom says to her We had better go to the
sweet shop so that you can spend it on sweets and off they
go.
When they get to the shop the little girl tells the woman
shopkeeper about the 50p wages for helping her uncle and
the woman says Are you going to work next week as
well?
Yes replies the sweet little 5 year old girl if the f--k-ng
bricks come!
6
An attractive young nurse examines the same young man
because of a rash on his leg. She tells him to pull down his
trousers which he does then he pulls out his penis and says
Have you seen my magic wand?
She says I have seen lots of them. Now put it away please
there is nothing magical about it.
Yes it is a magic wand, he says. Watch me rub it and it
will get bigger.
7
They leave and the rabbit is a bit wobbly on his feet.
The next day the badger goes into the bar again and the
barman asks where his mate the rabbit is. The badger
replies Its very sad but he died. Ive warned him before
about having different toasties, he says but he died of
mixed a ma toasties. (Myxomatosis get it?)
There are two Irish men waiting in the disability office for
an interview. They are both there for hearing loss. The first
is called in to be interviewed. He goes in and sits down in
the chair.
The interviewer quietly whispers, Shut the door.
So the Irishman gets up and shuts it. Theres nothing
wrong with your hearing says the interviewer. Send the
next one in.
The first Irish man leaves the room and says to his mate
outside If he tells you to shut the door, dont.
The second man goes in and sits down. Again the
interviewer whispers Shut the door.
The Irish man replies Do it your bloody self.
8
Chris says For 1 Million which bird does not build a
nest?
Is it A) The Cuckoo.
B) The Robin.
C) The Starling.
Or D) The Blackbird.
Paddy says I have not got a clue. I just dont know. But
Ill phone a friend. Can I phone Murphy in Ireland?
Chris puts him through and Murphy is asked the question.
He replies The Cuckoo does not build a nest.
Paddy says Are you sure Murphy?
Yes he replies 100% Sure.
Paddy goes with the answer and Chris says
Congratulations. You have just won 1 million. Well
done.
The next week Paddy returns to Ireland and says to
Murphy Here is of a million for getting that question
right for me. But why were you so sure that it was the
cuckoo that does not build a nest?
Easy replies Murphy, Everybody knows that cuckoos
live in clocks.
9
The Englishman says Yes I would like a pint of bitter and
a roast beef dinner please.
The cannibals are quite
civilised and they prepare
it for him. Then they kill
him, skin him and make a
canoe.
The Scotsman is next and
he asks for a malt whiskey
and a haggis supper. The
cannibals get this and then kill him. When its the
Irishmans turn he asks for a pint of Guinness and a fork.
Puzzled the cannibals get it for him and when they hand
the fork over the Irishman snatches it off them and
proceeds to violently stab himself all over with the fork. He
says You are not going to make a canoe out off me.
A lady was having a bath when the door bell rang so she
called out to her young daughter to answer it. The little girl
opened the door and said hello to the man standing there
Who are you? she asked.
Im the blind man came the reply.
So the little girl called out to her mother that a blind man
was there. Her mother shouted down to the little girl to
show him up, which she did. When he entered the
bathroom he said My what a lovely pair of tits, now where
do you want the blind fitting?
10
A man goes to a fancy dress party stark naked with a girl
on his back. His host says to him What are you supposed
to be? You know its fancy dress dont you?
The man replies Im a tortoise then points to the girl on
his back and says This is Michelle.
11
My mate is a bus driver and he was out in his bus the other
day when he saw an old man flag him down between stops.
As he has to stop at an authorised stop he drove on a
couple of hundred yards to the nearest stop and waited for
him. He saw the little old man running hell for leather to
the bus and watched him climb aboard. My friend said,
You must be fit. Youre not even out of breath to the
little old man.
Yes the man replied and
Im still having sex at 74.
My friend murmured his
surprise and the old man
continued My wife does not
like it though because we
live at 63.
12
the road. He pulls over and says Where are you going?
Would you like a lift Father?
The priest replies Im going to the church about a mile
down the road, thank you I would appreciate a lift to save
my weary legs and with that he gets into the truck.
A little further down the road the lorry driver sees an estate
agent at the side of the road and shouts out theres an
estate agent and with that he swerves the truck but misses
him as he remembers that he has a priest in the lorry and
then as he goes past he hears a bang. The driver says Im
sorry father I dont know what came over me, I missed
him.
The priest replies No need to apologise my son, I opened
the door as we went past and hit him with that.
13
He walks back to his car
scratching his head and
looks at the distributor and
he finds that is full of dirt so
he cleans it and the car starts
first time. He says to himself
Thats incredible I need a
drink after that. So he
drives down the road a few
hundred yards and sees a
pub. He goes in and has a drink telling the landlord what
happened. The landlord says to the rep Was it a white
horse or a black one?
The rep replies It was a white one. Why?
Then the landlord says You were lucky. The black one
does not know anything about cars and is a terrible liar.
14
The burglar, relieved, walks over to it and says You can
talk can you?
The parrot replies I am watching you and so is Jesus.
The burglar says to the parrot Whats your name then?
The parrot replies My name is
Neville and Jesus is watching
you.
The burglar says Neville is a
funny name for a parrot.
Yes replies the parrot And
Jesus is a funny name for a
Rotweiller but he is behind you
and he is watching you.
15
The second builder says Sorry boss coming right away
and steps off the plank letting the other builder fall to his
death.
The police come and start asking questions about the man
that fell to his death and everyone is saying What a shame
he was a family man When a woman comes out of the
flats and pipes up He was a sex maniac. He came past my
window holding his prick out shouting,
C-NT.C-NT.
God puts Adam and Eve on the Earth and says to them I
have made the earth in six days and then I rested on the 7th.
I have filled the seas with fish and the land with animals
but I want you to work in the Garden of Eden. You will
work hard for six days and refrain from all pleasures until
the 7th day when you can rest and enjoy yourselves.
They do as God says and then God comes down on the 7th
day while Adam is standing on the beach watching Eve
play in the sea and says to Adam Did you refrain from sex
with Eve as I said?
Yes replies Adam, but I gave her a good seeing to this
morning like you said I could. She is in the sea washing it
off now.
God says Oh no it will make the fish smell, if I had
wanted the fish to smell like that dont you think I would
have done so?
16
A man decides that he wants to find a woman to have oral
sex with him so he looks in a telephone box and finds a
suitable calling card with a number on it. He calls it and
gets the address which turns out to be a basement flat in a
seedy part of town, but this does not put him off. He finds
it, goes down the stairs and enters the flat. There is an old
woman with a false eye sitting at a desk waiting for him.
He explains what he wants and she says That will be 5
please. Go into that room and wait for someone.
He pays the money over and goes into the room which is in
darkness. He stands there waiting when he hears someone
come in and then he feels his zip being undone and then a
hand holds him before she starts the act with him. While
the prostitute is performing on him he hears a beautiful
womans voice singing. He wonders where it is coming
from and thinks how wonderful it is.
When it is all over he leaves but decides to go back the
next day. Events follow the same course and he hears the
singing again. This time he decides to take a torch with him
the next time so that he can see who is doing the singing.
The next day when he hears the beautiful song again he
switches on his torch and sees a womans head bent over
him. Then he looks round the darkened room with the torch
and cant see anyone else or any loud speakers. He turns a
bit further and sees a table in the corner of the room with a
glass on it and in the glass is a glass eye.
17
A man is in a pub having a drink and talking to the
landlord when the landlord says to him I have got a
talking dog over there.
The man says, Where is he? I must see this.
He is over there lying by the fire, Replies the landlord.
The man walks over to the dog and says, I hear you can
talk.
Yes Replies the dog. Do
you want to hear my life story?
Certainly Says the man sitting
down in a chair by the hearth.
The dog starts Up until I was 6
months old I was a family pet
and then I was sent to the police
force to train as a police dog. I
caught lots of criminals and
helped keep order when there
were football riots. After a
couple of years I was seconded
into the drug squad where I was trained as a sniffer dog to
search out drugs at airports. I made many finds of drugs
and stayed with the squad for two years before being sent
to the bomb squad. Here I was used to search out
explosives in Northern Ireland in a fight against the
terrorists. I was caught up in small blast and was pensioned
out of the army. Then when I was recovered I worked as a
rescue dog searching out people buried in earthquakes for 3
years. Now I am fully retired and live here.
18
Thats an amazing story says the man, turning to the
landlord. Will you sell him to me?
The landlord replies You can have him for a tenner if you
like.
The man says Why only a tenner? He must be worth a
fortune with a story like that.
The landlord says That story he told is completely untrue.
Its all lies. He is a terrible liar. I dont want him.
19
A man is driving down the road when he
hits a hare killing it. He gets out of the
car and stands there looking at it trying to
make up his mind what to do with it
when another car stops and a man gets
out. He asks what has happened and is
told about the dead hare. He says Ive
got just the thing for it and takes a bottle
out of his pocket. He rubs some of the
liquid from the bottle on the hare and it
gets up and runs away. The first man
says Thats marvellous, what is it?
The second man replies Its hair restorer.
They have just re-opened the case on Fred West and found
out that he was innocent after all. They found a receipt for
ten tons of top soil that he bought from Lockerbie.
Have you heard about the two old ladies who were walking
through the park the other night? A flasher jumped out on
them, opened his coat and showed them all his manly
charms. The one old lady had a stroke, she was alright
though. The other old lady was a bit upset
because she couldnt reach to have a stroke.
20
An old couple met on a village outing and both were in
their eighties. The old man said to the woman Lets go
back to your place for sex.
The old lady said I have not had sex for thirty years, do
you think it will be alright?
The old man replied Yes it will be fine I know what Im
doing.
So they went back to the house and the man said, Do you
fancy a bit of oral sex?
Whats that? said the old lady.
Ill show you, said the man and goes down on her.
After a minute he came up and said, I cant do that any
longer, the smell is awful.
The old lady said, Its the arthritis.
The old man replied, Im sorry to hear that you have got
arthritis but I did not know it made you smell.
The old lady said I cant bend my hand to wipe my
bottom when I go to the toilet.
21
of ammunition left so he strafes it and shoots it down. He
continues flying and is nearly back to base when he sees
another flying carpet with a man sitting on it. So he shoots
it down. When he gets back to base he tells his wing
commander what he has done and he replies, You bloody
fool you, those were Allied Carpets.
22
is married. The nun replies that she has a confession to
make as well. She says, Im not a nun at all. My name is
John and I am going to a gay fancy dress party.
23
The Englishman replies Twenty six.
The Mafia boss says, Right you are in.
The next into the room is the Scotsman. He says I blew up
a disused power station and an empty tower block last
night.
Good says the Mafia man How many letters are there in
the alphabet?
The Scotsman replies, There are twenty six.
Right says the gangster You are accepted.
Then the Irishman enters the room and the Mafia boss says
to him How many letters are there in the alphabet?
The Irishman replies, There are twenty one.
The Mafia crime lord says, I dont know why you think
that, there are twenty six.
The Irishman retorts No there are only twenty one now
because I have just blown up B&Q and MFI.
An old man and his son are talking over lunch one day
when the son says, Dad you will have to go into a nursing
home because my wife and I feel we just cant cope with
you and all your different medications any more. Will you
try it for a week and see how you get on?
The old man replies Alright but I am sure that I wont like
it.
So he goes into a home and the pair meet again over lunch.
The young man says to his father How are you getting on
dad?
24
His father replies, It might not be so bad after all. This
morning when I woke up I had an erection. Then the nurse
came in and she saw it. She said what a shame to waste an
erection and asked me if I would like a blowjob.
Afterwards she stripped off and jumped into bed with me.
It wasnt as if she was a dog either because she was a
pretty young blond thing.
The son says Ill see you again tonight dad.
That night he visits his father and sees that he is quite
distressed and his father wants to go home immediately so
he asks what has happened to upset him.
The old man says I had just had my
afternoon tea when I needed to pay a visit to
the loo. So I walked along the corridor,
stumbled and fell on my hands and knees.
Before I could get up a gay male nurse came
up behind me and said what a tempting sight
Mr Smith. Before I knew what was happening
he had pulled my trousers down and jumped
me from behind.
His son replies Surely you can put up with that
occasionally dad if you enjoy yourself with the female
nurses?
The old man says I have an erection once a blue moon but
I fall over a dozen times a day sometimes!
25
There were three potato princesses who were called before
their father the King. He said to them Well daughters you
are all grown up now and its time you all found someone to
marry. Come back and see me when you find yourselves a
husband.
The days pass and then the first daughter goes back to see
her father. Father she says, I have found the man I want
to marry. Its King Edward.
Her father says, Well done daughter, I approve of the
marriage as he is royalty.
A few days later the second daughter goes before her father
and says Father I have found the man I want to be my
husband. He is one of the Jersey Royals.
An excellent choice my dear, Royalty again, I approve.
Later that week the third potato princess goes before her
father and says Father I have found the man I want to
marry. Its Des Lineam.
No daughter I will not allow it because he is a common
tater.
When you are three years old success is not wetting your
pants.
When you are seventeen years old success is passing your
driving test first time.
When you are twenty-one success is having sex with a
beautiful girl.
When you are fifty success is measured by your wealth.
26
When you are sixty success is still being able to have sex
with a beautiful woman.
When you are seventy success is being able to keep your
driving licence.
When you are eighty success is being able to get to the
toilet quick enough so that you dont wet your pants.
27
Well son you had better come with me and with that he
leads the boy upstairs to his mothers bedroom where she is
sleeping. Then the boys father pulls the sheet back and
lifts up her nightdress and says, You see that furry bit?
That is a pussy.
The little boy says, Can I stroke it?
No His father replies, You will wake the c-nt up.
An Irishman goes to
the doctors and says
Doctor I cant cope
with my wifes sexual
demands. What can I
do?
The doctor replies
Run 5 miles every
day and then after a
week phone me and
tell me how you are
getting on."
Seven days goes by and the man phones the doctor. How
are things with your wife? asks the doctor.
The man replies I dont know, I have not seen her replies
the man Im staying in a B&B 35 miles from home.
28
knife and fork. When the meal comes the old man divides
the meal between himself and his wife. The young man
goes over to them and says, I dont wish to seem rude but
I could not help noticing that you only bought one meal
between you. Would you like me to buy you another one so
that you can have one each?
The old man replies Its alright son, we believe a marriage
should be built on equality and sharing. So ever since we
got married we have shared everything, every penny we
have had and every meal.
The young man goes back and sits down, then he sees that
the old woman is not eating so he asks her Arent you
hungry, perhaps I can get you something else?
No she replies, this is fine I cant eat yet because its his
turn to have the teeth.
29
A week later they meet and the black man says, Have you
had any success?
Well sort of says the white man My dick has gone black
like yours.
30
No She replies.
The Irishman says Well you have now because the tide
has gone out."
31
That is a good idea, says his mate Those cyclist are a
nuisance.
Then he takes them for a drive to show off his new car
when he sees a cyclist. So he says Look Im aiming for
that cyclist in front of us. Then at the last second he
swerves and misses him. Damn he says, I missed him.
This happens several times and when he swerves for the
fourth time he hears a bang as they go past the cyclist.
What was that he says?
His mate says Well you keep missing them so I opened
the door as we went past and got him with that.
32
A man is in the pub talking to his mate who he asks, Do
you know how I can get my tomatoes to ripen?
His mate replies Yes, take all your clothes off and walk
round your greenhouse in the nude every day.
And that will ripen my tomatoes?
Yes it works for me
every time says his
mate.
The next week they meet
again and his mate ask
him Did you get your
tomatoes to ripen?
Yes he says, it worked
a treat.
Later on that evening he is talking to a young woman when
she says, Do you know how I can get my tomatoes to
ripen?
He replies, Yes, my mate told me the other week. Take all
your clothes off and walk round your greenhouse in the
nude every day.
She says And that will ripen
my tomatoes?
Yes he replies My mate told
me about it the other week and I
got mine to ripen straight
away.
Ill try it then She says.
Next week they meet up again
and he asks the young woman
33
Did you get your tomatoes to ripen?
No She say Its funny that, they didnt but you should
see the size of my cucumbers though.
Two young nuns go into an off licence and ask for a bottle
of vodka. The man in the shop says I dont think I should
sell a bottle of vodka to you nuns.
One of the nuns says, Its for Mother Superiors
constipation.
Vodka for constipation, I have never heard that. He says.
34
The nun says, Would I lie to you, Im a nun?
Alright then he says and the two nuns walk out of the
shop with the vodka.
Later on that morning the shopkeeper has to nip out of his
shop on an errand and he sees the two young nuns rolling
about on the pavement roaring drunk. He says to them I
thought that the vodka was for Mother Superiors
constipation?
One of the nuns replies it is, wait till she sees the state we
are in, she will shit herself.
A man goes to a brothel for the first time and says to the
madam What can I have for 10?
She says We havent got anything that cheap Im afraid
youll have to come back when you have got some more
money.
The next week the man goes back clutching 20 and asks
what he can have for that.
The woman replies, We have not
got much but if you go into the
end room down that corridor there
is a hen. You can have sex with
that if you like. If you are not
satisfied you can have your
money back.
The man says Well I am not sure
but Ill give it a go now that Im
here.
So he goes into the room and tries
35
it out but is not satisfied so he goes back to the madam
after a while and asks for his money back. Come back
when you have got some more money she says
The next week he returns with 30 and asks again what he
can have. The madam says Go into that room there and
you will see two lesbians having sex in the next room
through a two way mirror.
So he enters the room and it is packed with men smoking.
He sits at the back and he can just see through the two-way
mirror and see the two lesbians but not very well. Its so
smokey that he gets fed up peering through the gloom and
coughing so he says to the man next to him This isnt very
good is it?
No the man replies You should have been here last
week it was very funny because there was some pervert
trying to have sex with a hen.
36
Then she says I can read it now, and she sees that the
writing says I love you. Then she says, I think you are
trying to put words into my mouth.
37
flops it out. Then he lets rip and it goes all over the table,
the bar and even the Landlords face. In fact it goes
everywhere but in the glass.
The Landlord laughs wiping it off his face and says That
is 200 you owe me, pay up.
Certainly says the man Here you are, its a pleasure
doing business with you.
What are you so happy about? says the Landlord You
have just lost 200.
Well says the man I bet those men over there at the pool
table 500 that I could pee on your bar and even on you
and you would not get mad, but would laugh about it.
38
wife slaps him hard across the face, so he goes out onto the
balcony and sits down.
The second couple go to bed and the man sees his wife
naked for the first time and says My what a great big arse
you have. He gets his face slapped and so he goes out
onto the balcony where he sees the man next door and they
talk. Suddenly from the third room they hear an almighty
slap and the third newly wed man comes out onto his
balcony. The first man says to him Did you put your foot
in it as well?
I could have done! he replies.
39
Next week the Toy maker sees Pinocchio again and says to
him Did you rub your prick with the sandpaper like I said
and how are you getting on with the girls now?
Pinocchio replies Yes I did, who wants girls when you
have got a piece of sandpaper?
40
Yes alright, but I can only give you two hours, The
interviewer replies.
After 2 hours the Irishman goes back and the interviewer
asks him Well you have had time to think about it now,
how many Ls are there in The Can Can?
The Irishman replies, I have not got the exact figure but
there are about 220 Ls.
The interviewer says to him I dont understand, explain
yourself.
The Irishman goes Laa la la la la la laa la. (Sung to the
tune of the can can)
An old man and his wife come back from their holiday and
go down to the pub. He is getting a bit forgetful and when a
41
friend asks him if he enjoyed his holiday he thinks for a
minute and says, Yes, I did.
Where did you go? The friend asks.
The man thinks for a minute and says, What is the name
of that plant that climbs up walls?
His friend says, Do you mean Wisteria?
No, He replies Not that.
Honeysuckle then,
No, Says the old man.
Do you mean Ivy then? says his friend.
Yes, thats the one. Ivy, Calls the old man to his wife.
Where did we go on holiday?
Have you heard the latest idea? They are training Shetland
Ponies to act as guides for blind
people. They say they are intelligent
and live a lot longer than dogs. Can
you imagine getting into a taxi with
one though? Excuse me mate you
take guide dogs in your car dont
you?
Yes of course but that isnt a guide
dog.
Its fully trained it will sit on the seat
next to me.
Fk Off thats a pony. If you want to go somewhere why
dont you ride it.?
What about if you went into a shop.
42
Shopkeeper Didnt you see the sign. No dogs allowed in
this shop.
Its alright mate this is not a dog, the sign did not say
anything about ponies.
Imagine carrying a Poop-a scoop for it. You would need a
full size shovel and never mind a little baggy you would
need a carrier bag.
I know a young lad who plays darts and is not very good.
Of course he is at a disadvantage to every body else
because while most people throw from 7 feet 9 1/4 inches
he throws from about 10 feet. He doesn't want to but he has
43
size 15 feet! Give him a
red nose and he would
pass for a clown. Still I
suppose he saves money
on winter holidays, as he
would not need to hire
skis.
44
"You can't dress like that grandma, I've got some friends
coming round in a bit."
The grandma replies, "If you can show off your rose buds I
can show off my hanging baskets."
45
audience who can do a magic trick or an illusion. One man
puts his hand up and shouts out "I can do an illusion."
Paul gets him up on the stage and asks him if he needs any
props. The man replies, "Some strong string, a chair and
Debbie McGee."
Paul says that's fine and tells him to go ahead with the
illusion. The man tells Debbie to bend over the chair and
then ties her to it so she is fast. The he pulls her knickers
down and starts to fuck her.
Paul says "Just a minute that is not an illusion or a trick."
"No," the man replies "But it is f--k-ng magic!"
46
My dotty old mother recently bought a hat for gardening
outside in the summer. On the brim it said "Lady
Gardener."
My comment was that it should say "Barmy Gardener" and
then I hastily added that it should say "Balmy Gardener"
because she always gardens when the weather is balmy.
47
people think she is a bitch but she is better than any dog at
sending off the cats that plague our garden. Her eyesight is
not very good but if I see one I shout Cats! and she goes
rushing to the back door and out into the garden to chase
them off.
48
again I thought. Has anybody had a Cock? All the
women stood up. This is all wrong, Ill try again. Has
anybody had a cock that does not belong to them? Half
the women stood up. Bugger me this is hopeless I thought.
Ill try one last time. Has anybody seen my cock? All the
Choirboys stood up. I quietly left.
49
lady standing at the door stark naked except for a placard
on her chest which says If you can catch me you can have
your way with me. She runs off and he starts chasing her.
By the end of the week he has lost 10lbs, feels much fitter
and on the last day he catches the girl. He has his way with
her and thinks this is a great way to lose weight. The next
week he decides he would like to lose another 20lbs so he
sends off his cheque and waits for the doorbell. Eventually
there is a ring at his door and he opens it to see a very
beautiful longhaired young blond girl. Again she has a
placard round her neck that says If you can catch me you
can have your way with me. Off they run and by the end
of the week he has lost 20lbs and caught the young lady.
He has his way with her and thinks Ill try to lose 30lbs
next week so he sends off his letter and then waits for the
doorbell.
Eventually it rings and he opens the door expectantly only
to see a large athletic young man standing at the door stark
naked except for a placard that reads If I can catch you I
can have my way with you.
50
The legs said But without me to carry the body round
none of you could do anything.
The eyes said, True, but I should be in charge because
without me the body could not see to do anything at all.
The rectum said My job s the most important because I
expel al the bodily wastes. With this all the body parts
laughed so the rectum refused to work any more and shut
down. Within a few days the eyes were watering, the
stomach was bloated, the legs were wobbly and the blood
was poisoned so all the body parts had a meeting and
agreed that the rectum should be in charge.
The moral of this story is no matter what you do in life,
however important your job is it is always the arsehole that
is in charge.
51
imagine the policeman going back to the station. Serge the
radar is broken.
Where was it and what have you done to it?
It was not my fault Serge, it was in the car when it was hit
by a missile from an American fighter plane.
A zoo is closing down and selling off all of its animals. All
that is left is a Zebra. A farmer comes along and says, I
have got lots of fields that she can run round in, Ill have
her. The farmer takes the Zebra home and lets her out into
a field then says to the Zebra There is lots of other
animals you can talk to. Go and introduce yourself. So the
52
Zebra goes off and
sees this little brown
thing pecking at the
ground. The Zebra
says Hello. What are
you?
Im a chicken.
Hello, Im a Zebra
and what do you do
around here?
I lay eggs so the
farmer can have a nice
boiled egg for breakfast. Thats good, it was nice to meet
you. The Zebra wanders off to meet someone else. Then
she comes across a big black and white thing. What are
you says the Zebra?
Im a cow.
Hello Im a Zebra and what do you do?
Well I produce a lot of milk so that the farmer can have a
nice hot cup of coffee or tea with some milk in to warm
him up from working outside after looking after us
animals.
Thats good, says the Zebra. Well I must go, it was nice
to meet you. Then the Zebra spots a little white furry thing
eating the grass. Hello says the Zebra Im a Zebra what
are you?
Im a sheep it replies.
And what do you do?
53
The farmer cuts my thick fleece and his wife spins it and
then she knits the wool to make sweaters to keep her
family warm in the cold weather.
Thats good, says the Zebra. It was nice to meet you
and then she wanders off. Next the Zebra spots a big black
thing galloping round the field. The Zebra says Im a
zebra what are you?
Im a stallion it replies.
The Zebra says And what do you do?
The stallion replies, Get those f--k-ng stripey pyjamas off
and Ill show you!
54
There are two dogs in
the vets, a Terrier and a
big Alsatian. The
Alsatian asks the Terrier
what he is in for. The
Terrier says There is a
lovely little Dachshund
next door and I got her
pregnant. She had seven
little puppies but they
were all funny looking.
The people were
annoyed so I am going
to be castrated. What are you in here for?
Well says the Alsatian, I have a beautiful blonde
mistress and she was getting ready to have a bath the other
day. She was stark naked and bending over the bath putting
the plug in when I went upstairs and saw her. So, I jumped
her, and you know, gave her one.
The Terrier asks Are you here to be castrated as well
then?
No Replies the Alsatian Im here to have my claws
clipped.
55
gravestones, there will be no one there at this time of
night.
Good idea says the first, so they do their business and
then one says Weve got no toilet paper, so Ill have to
use my knickers. They are old ones so I can throw them
away afterwards.
The other woman says, Im not using my knickers. They
are new ones and they were expensive. There is wreath on
that fresh grave with a big ribbon on it so Ill use that to
wipe my bottom.
The next night their husbands are talking in the pub and
one says to the other I dont now what my wife got up to
last night but she came home with no knickers on.
The other replies You should worry, when my wife got
into bed last night she had a card stuck to her bottom that
read; Well miss you, from all the lads at the Fire Station.
I was talking to a blond girl the other night and while I was
talking to her she kept sneezing. She was shaking and
56
having convulsions every time that she sneezed. I said to
her That looks bad, are you alright
Yes Im fine. To be honest every time that I sneeze I have
an orgasm.
That sounds serious I said Are you taking anything for
it?
Yes she replied, I am taking sneezing powder
57
majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful
animals! he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling
in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7
foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could
up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the
bear was closing on him. He ran
even faster, so scared that tears were
coming to his eyes. He looked over
his shoulder again and the bear was
even closer. His heart was pumping
frantically and he tried to run even
faster. He tripped and fell to the
ground. He rolled over to pick
himself up but saw the bear was right
on top of him reaching for him with
his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that
moment the man cried out Oh my God.
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped flowing.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of
the sky, You deny my existence for all your years, teach
others that I dont exist and even credit creation to a
cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament?
The atheist looked directly into the light, It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a
58
Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a
Christian.
Very well, the voice said.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws
together, bowed its head and spoke. Lord, for the food
which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.
59
A middle-aged man of 47 decides
to have a face-lift. He spends a
fortune and has his nose done, his
double chin, his eyes, the lot.
After he has the bandages
removed he says to the young
nurse attending him How old do
you think I am?
The nurse looks thoughtful and
says I dont think you look a day
over 35.
This pleases the man and he says,
That is great, I am 47 you
know.
After he has left the hospital he
walks across the grounds and sees a young man coming
towards him. He stops him and asks him Excuse me, but
how old do you think I am?
The young man says after some thought, I would say
about 36 or 37.
Thats great, says the middle aged man I am 47 you
know
Then he decides to get a something to eat so he goes in a
burger bar, queues up and buys a burger to take out. While
he is being served he asks the girl behind the counter How
old do you think I am?
She pauses in her busy routine and says Oh, I should think
about 35
60
Thats great the middle aged man
says, I am 47 you know Then he
leaves and goes over to the bus stop
nearby. He eats his burger and an
old lady joins him waiting for the
next bus. He asks her How old do
you think I am?
She says, I have got an infallible
way of telling how old young men
are, but to do it I have to put my
hand down their trousers.
The middle-aged man looks round
and there is nobody about. He is in a
good mood after his successful
operation so he consents and replies
Yes, all right then.
The old lady puts her hand down the front of his trousers
and has a good feel around. This goes on for about 5
minutes then the man says, Have you reached a
conclusion about how old I am?
The old lady says, Yes, I am sure that you are 47.
The man is taken aback and asks, Thats remarkable, how
did you find that out?
Oh, it was easy really, I was behind you in the queue
when you bought your burger a few minutes ago.
61
spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange. When the
busboy brought our water and
utensils, I noticed he also had a
spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I
looked around and saw that all the
staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to
serve our soup I asked, Why the
spoon?
Well, he explained, the
restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting to revamp all our
processes. After several months of
analysis they concluded that the
spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per
table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can
reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
man-hours per shift.
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was
able to replace it with his spare. I'll get another spoon next
time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to
get it right now.
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string
hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed
that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their
flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, Excuse
me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
62
there?
Oh, certainly! Then he lowered his voice. Not everyone
is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also
found out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying
this string to the tip of our you know what, we can pull it
out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our
hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
percent.
After you get it out, how do you put it back?
Well, he whispered, I don't know about the others, but I
use the spoon.
63
and I could smell his
breath he slipped and I
managed to get away
from him. He followed
me again and nearly
caught me. Then when I
could feel his breath on
me he slipped again and I
managed to get up a tree
away from him.
His friend says, I would
have been terrified. If
that had been me I would
have shit myself.
What do you think the lion kept slipping on? His friend
replied.
64
rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy
bacon, and life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all
sorts. "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!!
We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead
and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food.
But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the
sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of
bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand and
calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa
hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo,
run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
"Ees... a.... Ham bush."
65
The little girl replied, I really want
to be a prostitute.
The Mother Superior exclaimed
Oh, my goodness.
The little girl said I am sorry if I
have shocked you Mother Superior,
but I like men and I really want to
have sex and be paid for it. I really
want to be a prostitute.
The Mother Superior replies, Oh,
thank goodness for that, for one
terrible moment I thought you said
you want to be a Protestant.
A family is sitting round the dinner table when the son asks
his father, Dad, how many different types of breasts are
there?
His dad says Well son, there are three distinct types of
breasts. When a woman is in her twenties her breasts are
like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties they
are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty they
are like onions.
Like onions dad, why is that?
66
You see them
and they make
you cry.
The mother and
daughter were
cross about the
comments so the
daughter said,
Mum, how
many kinds of
penises are
there?
Her mother
smiled and
replied, Well
dear there are 3
kinds. When a
man is in his twenties his penis is like an Oak, mighty and
hard. In his thirties to forties it is like a Birch, flexible but
reliable. After he is fifty his penis is like a Christmas tree.
I dont understand. Says the daughter.
Well, replies the mother Its dead from the roots up and
the balls are for decoration only.
A man takes his wife to play golf for the first time and on
the first tee his wife hits the ball and slices it towards the
expensive houses nearby. The ball sails into a large
67
window, smashing it to smithereens. The man says to his
wife We had better go and apologise.
They go to the house and knock on the door. It is answered
by a butler who takes them into the room with the broken
window where they see an expensive looking vase has also
been broken by the golf ball.
Im very sorry about the window and vase, says the
golfer to a man sitting in the room. We will of course pay
for the damage.
No problem, replies the man. Actually I am very grateful
to you. I am a Genie and I have been trapped in that vase
for 3,000 years. You have just set me free. I can grant you
3 wishes, one each and if you dont mind Id like to keep
the third one for myself.
Great says the golfer. For my wish I would like to have
a million pounds a year paid to me for
the rest of my life without having to
work.
Granted Says the Genie.
The mans wife says I would like to
have a mansion with servants, in every
country of the world.
Granted, says the genie. For my
wish I would like to have sex with
your wife.
The couple talk it over and agree that it
is not a bad price to pay for their new
found wealth so the wife agrees to the
Genies request. They go upstairs and
68
have mad sex for three hours. While lying on the bed
exhausted the Genie says to the woman One thing puzzles
me. How old are you?
The woman replies 36 years old, Why?
Well says the man I am surprised you still believe in
genies.
69
The man says I thought there would be, I knew that I was
not feeling Two Grand.
70
Three office staff go out for lunch one day, two telephone
sales people and the office manager. On the way to the
restaurant one of the sales staff sees a brass lamp lying in a
skip. They pick it up and rub it for luck but a genie
appears. The
Genie says I
normally give 3
wishes but as
there are 3 of
you I will give
you one wish each.
The first person says
I would like to
spend the rest of my
life as a millionaire
living a life of
luxury in the
Bahamas.
The second sales person says I want to be a millionaire
with a life of luxury in Florida relaxing with a beautiful
blond by my side.
The Genie turns to the manager and asks What is your
wish?
The Manager replies I want those two back in the office
and working after lunch.
A man and his wife are asleep in bed one night when they
are woken by a loud knock on the door. Sleepily the man
71
gets up and opens it. Standing in the doorway in the
pouring rain is a bedraggled man who says Can you give
me a push?
The sleepy man replies Get lost its 3 oclock in the
morning and raining. Then he goes back to bed and his
wife, who, tells him off. Dont you remember how those
two men helped us when we broke down in the middle of
the night in the rain 3 months ago? You should be ashamed
of yourself. Go and give that poor man a push.
The man reluctantly gets out of bed and puts on a coat. He
opens the door and walks down the path in the rain and
calls out Are you still there, do you still want a push?
Yes please, came the reply.
Where are you?
Over here on the swing, replies the drunk.
A man is going to bed with his new girlfriend for the first
time and they start getting undressed. He takes off his
shoes and socks and she looks at his feet and laughs. Your
feet are all misshapen and funny looking she says.
Yes he replies, I had a bad case of Tolio when I was
younger.
Dont you mean Polio? she replies.
No, Tolio. It is a very rare disease. Im over it now but it
left my feet all sort of funny and misshapen.
Then he takes off his trousers and the girl laughs again.
Your Knees are all funny and misshapen, she says.
72
Yes I know, I had Kneesels when
I was younger.
Dont you mean Measels? the
girl asks.
No he says. Kneesels, its very
rare but it left my knees all knobbly
and deformed.
Then he takes off his underpants
and the girl laughs again. Whats
funny now? he asks.
Dont tell me the girl says I bet
you had Smallcox.
73
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the
couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed
through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked
anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the
surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen
his legs, aren't you?"
74
President Bush visits a school and the teacher asks him to
give an illustration of the importance of the correct use of
words. Mr Bush says to the class Give me a sentence
showing that you know the meaning of the word
Tragedy.
The whole class thinks and then one little boy puts up his
hand and says Please sir, I Know. It would be a tragedy if
I fell over in the classroom and sprained my ankle.
Mr Bush replies No, that would be unfortunate but it
would not be a tragedy. Someone else perhaps has the
answer.
A little girl pipes up If the
school bus full of pupils on a
school trip, ran off the road
and went over a cliff killing
everyone. That would be a
tragedy.
No. Replies Mr Bush
That would be an accident
but it would not be a
tragedy.
A small boy shouts out I know Mr President. If you were
in Air Force One and it was shot down by friendly fire.
That would be a tragedy.
The President says Yes it would. Now explain why.
The little boy says Well it would not be unfortunate and it
certainly would not be a F-ck-ng accident!
75
Once upon a time, in a nice
little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an
orphaned snake. By a
surprising coincidence both
were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was
hopping through the forest,
when he tripped over the
snake and fell down. This of
course knocked the snake
about quite a bit.
"Oh my" said the bunny" I'm
terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind
since birth so I can't see where I am going, in fact since I'm
also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK" replied the snake "Actually my story is as
yours. I too have been blind since birth and also never
knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all
over you and work out what you are so at least you'll have
that going for you."
"Oh that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the
snake slithered all over the bunny and said "Well you are
covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose
twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you
must be a bunny rabbit."
76
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious
excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I
could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same
way that you've
helped me."
So the bunny felt the
snake all over and
remarked "Well
you're smooth and
slippery and you
have a forked
tongue, no backbone
and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or
possibly someone in senior management."
77
Snow White goes back to the
others with a smile and Tom
Thumb says I wonder if I
am still the smallest of them
all. So he decides to ask the
mirror. The mirror tells him
he is still the smallest of them
all so he goes back as pleased
as punch and tells the others.
Then Quasimodo decides to
ask if he is still the ugliest of
them all so he goes up to the mirror and asks if he is still
the ugliest of them all. When he comes back he has got a
long face and is upset. Snow White asks him What is
wrong, arent you the ugliest person?
The Hunchback Of Notre Damme replies No, and then
says Who is this Camilla Parker-Bowles anyway?
78
remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let
his hand slide down to her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way with a
backward glance. On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek,
further up you will find glory."
79