THE KATERING SHOW

"Foragers"

written by
Michael Dixon

michaelpauldixon@gmail.com DRAFT NO. 1

Fremantle, Western Australia 7 November 2017
FADE IN:
EXT. DANDENONG RANGES - DAY
MCLENNAN holds a walking stick whilst carrying a top heavy
backpack twice her height, struggling for balance in red
laced hiking boots, blue shorts, a grey top, hair messily
parted reminiscent of Reese Witherspoon in the movie Wild.
MCCARTNEY wears full camouflage complete with mask.
McLennan inspects McCartney’s right buttock cheek which has
been hit by a florescent pink paintball.
MCLENNAN
Right on the arse, I bet that hurt.
McLennan gives McCartney a slap on the affected butt cheek.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
(startled)
Hi, I’m Kate McLennan!
MCCARTNEY
I’m Kate McCartney!

MCLENNAN MCCARTNEY (CONT'D)

Welcome to The Katering Show! Welcome to the Katering Show!
A mob of weekend paintballers appear from no where, firing
aimlessly at a frightened McLennan who legs it to the sound
of clanking pans and stainless steel water bottles.
MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
She’s on Alpha Squad, get her!
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
BACK TO:
EXT. DANDENONG RANGES - DILAPIDATED WOOD SHACK - DAY
Still wearing her backpack, McLennan and McCartney emerge
from a dilapidated wood shack on the lookout for the weekend
paintballers.
McLennan sports fresh fluorescent green paint balls hits.
"Foragers" 2.

MCLENNAN
As chefs we’re..
MCCARTNEY
(interrupting)
We’re more like Chef de Partie.
MCLENNAN
(impressed)
As Chef de Partie..
MCCARTNEY
No.. That didn’t sound right either.
MCLENNAN
Commis Chef? Cooks?
McCartney shakes her head.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
Food Assemblers?
McCartney snaps her fingers pointing in agreement.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
As food assemblers..
MCCARTNEY
(interrupting)
Glorified food assemblers..
MCLENNAN
We’ve come pretty accustomed to having
in-season produce all year round.
MCCARTNEY
Which begs the question, where does
our food come from?
"Foragers" 3.

MCLENNAN
And that got us thinking after our
recent Hepatitis A scare. We thought,
lets go right back to basics. Lets go
into nature and see what bounty she
can provide.
MCCARTNEY
That’s right McLennan. Today, we’re
foragers.
MCLENNAN
Not to be mistaken with the brown
people taking our jobs, right Pauline?
MCCARTNEY
You know, the ones we don’t want, like
fruit picking or cleaning, who has
time for that?
MCLENNAN
Certainly not us.
MCCARTNEY
That’s not to say a lowly dish pig
like yourself can’t dream of the
Executive Chef lifestyle, they always
have time to wander the microcosm on
the lookout for seasonal tidbits that
inspire the daily menu offerings.
MCLENNAN
I’ve literally lost my fingerprints.
"Foragers" 4.

MCCARTNEY
Stop using so much detergent.
MCLENNAN
Stop telling me what to do.
MCCARTNEY
(yelling)
Hey Paintball Wizards, she’s over
here!
McCartney gives McLennan a gentle push and she falls backward
onto her top heavy backpack, arms and legs clawing the air
like an upturned turtle.
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
BACK TO:
EXT. DANDENONG RANGES - DILAPIDATED WOOD SHACK - DAY
Seated and still wearing the top heavy backpack, McLennan is
on her mobile phone, looking at her eczema dish pan hands,
sporting more fluorescent green paint balls hits.
MCLENNAN
Hi, yes I was just wondering how to
get a PaTH intern?
MCCARTNEY
(shakes head)
I knew Id have to take lead presenter
duties, she’s so haughty of late so
I’ve called in a buddy to help me out,
the very talented, Glenn Ro..
"Foragers" 5.

RUSSELL COIGHT (O.S.)

No no stay in character as we agreed,
I need this, my show’s been pushed out
to 2018.
MCCARTNEY
My friend, Russell Coight!
GLEN ROBBINS AKA RUSSELL COIGHT enters from the side.
RUSSELL COIGHT
G’day viewers, Russell Coight from All
Aussie Adventures, here to help my
orally challenged, picky eater friend
Kate McLennan.
MCCARTNEY
I’m McCartney.
RUSSELL COIGHT
Like the beetle?
MCCARTNEY
I guess so, I don’t sing very well.
RUSSELL COIGHT
No I meant like the McCartney beetle,
good bush tucker.
MCCARTNEY
Seriously, there’s a beetle named
after me?
RUSSELL COIGHT
No, made it up. Let gets this shit
show on the road.
"Foragers" 6.

McCartney and Russell Coight leave McLennan to her call.

MCLENNAN
So I only have to pay them 10 bucks an
hour?
McLennan turns around after a moment realising she is alone.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
Hello?
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
BACK TO:
EXT. DANDENONG RANGES - DAY
Russell Coight stops digging inside a large hole a metre down
at the base of a tree.
RUSSELL COIGHT
(sweaty)
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt a
decade ago is that bush tucker is
everywhere, even when you can't find
it.
MCCARTNEY
So what exactly are you looking for?
RUSSELL COIGHT
Well this area, she’s well known for
wild oranges, passionfruit and figs.
MCCARTNEY
Don’t they grow above ground?
RUSSELL COIGHT
(taken back)
That's right.
(MORE)
"Foragers" 7.
RUSSELL COIGHT (CONT'D)
(half beat)
But they’re so common I knew you would
appreciate something natural from the
earth to inspire your menu and impress
those big city mates.
Russell Coight returns to digging.
MCCARTNEY
I don’t think you’re going to find an
AMG down there.
RUSSELL COIGHT
I wouldn’t know much about techno
music, it really isn’t my scene, I’m
looking for some yams. They can be
tricky buggers to find, grow about a
metre underground.
MCCARTNEY
In.. Central Australia.
RUSSELL COIGHT
(beat)
So.. no yams in the Dandenong Ranges
then.
McCartney shakes her head in annoyance and walks away.
RUSSELL COIGHT (CONT’D)
Can you give me a hand out of this
hole?
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
BACK TO:
"Foragers" 8.

EXT. DANDENONG RANGES - DAY

With her leg in a make shift splint, twigs in her hair and
looking ripped and tatty, McLennan stumbles through dense
bush scrub, covered in fluorescent green paint balls hits.
The top heavy backpack has reduced in size by a quarter.
MCLENNAN
To be a good forager, you need a sense
of adventure that comes with risk
taking.
McLennan drops and starts crawling through the scrub.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
And I don't just mean leaving the
safety of a maintained track or
letting the club hottie put just the
tip in.
(half beat)
They promise but it always goes all
the way in.
Stopping to inspect some bark, McLennan gnaws on a branch,
spitting in disgust.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
I think something pissed on that.
McLennan continues to crawl through the scrub until stumbling
across some red berries.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
(bubbly)
You see? Perseverance is key to
solitary ground foraging, you’re less
conspicuous to predators and thus
likely to conserve units of energy.
"Foragers" 9.

McLennan snaps several berries off from the plant.

MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
Ahh these look like Crataegus
Monogyna..
McLennan tastes the berries and spits them out in disgust.
Perfect for boiling down into jams and
sauces.
(faux happy)
Ill just Google it to check.
McLennan takes out her mobile phone. Its reads: ‘No Service’.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
(sobbing)
Fucken McCartney!
McLennan lobs her phone 20 metres into the bush which then
immediately starts ringing.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
Fuck! I’m coming McCartney!
McLennan searches in vain before finally finding her mobile.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
(answering)
Mccartney? I'm lost McCartney!
An unknown voice answers the phone. Its SONJA from the
Federal Commonwealth Department of Employment.
SONJA
Is that Kate McLennan? This is Sonja
from the Department of Employment
calling about the PaTH internship?
MCLENNAN
McCartney.. I ate some funny tasting
berries.
"Foragers" 10.

SONJA
I see, so its sounds like you’re an
established business, have you had the
chance to browse our website or can I
send you some literature?
MCLENNAN
My hands hurt from washing dishes and
crawling on the ground.
SONJA
We can get you an intern to trial for
about 4 to 12 weeks, see how they fit
into the team.
MCLENNAN
McCartney, I think my Hep C shot is
wearing off. Are my eyes yellow?
SONJA
Wonderful. I've got your mobile number
here, we’re all linked up to the ATO
so I have your address, lets arrange a
meet and greet for Monday, say 9:00
AM?
MCLENNAN
(delirious)
I love you too McCartney.
SONJA
Greaaaat. Bye!
CUT TO:
"Foragers" 11.

TITLES - THE BOOZE REVOOZE

SUPERIMPOSE:
Foragers Edition
BACK TO:
EXT. DANDENONG RANGES - DAY
MCCARTNEY
We’ve been foraging for around 40
minutes and have found sweet fuck all.
RUSSELL COIGHT
Any true blue Aussie knows what that
means..

MCCARTNEY RUSSELL COIGHT (CONT'D)

Smoko time. Smoko time.
McCartney and Russell Coight gather round a small fire on
which a small pot bubbles. On a mat is a bag.
RUSSELL COIGHT (CONT’D)
What many folks don’t know is that the
classic pub favourite Jägermeister, is
actually a herbal liqueur made from
56 herbs, fruits, roots and spices.
Translated, Jägermeister means Master
Hunter, so its a fitting refreshment
for foragers of our ilk.
MCCARTNEY
So where is it, I’m thirsty.
"Foragers" 12.

RUSSELL COIGHT
Now we can't exactly replicate those
ingredients in the bush so to
compensate, I’ve had to dig deep on
local knowledge to find some
essentials.
Russell Coight pulls out several ingredients from the bag.
RUSSELL COIGHT (CONT’D)
In our pot, we’ve got some citrus
peel, licorice, anise, poppy seeds,
saffron, ginger, juniper berries and
ginseng to make an equally famous
Cöightmeister.
MCCARTNEY
Ahh.. Where did you get that horde?
RUSSELL COIGHT
When you left me in that hole to get
help, I had a bit of success off the
beaten track.
(half beat)
A tidbit for the viewers, whilst
foraging might seem a happy go lucky
experience for some, it always helps
to know..
McCartney pulls a shopping receipt out of the bag.
MCCARTNEY
(interrupting)
Where your local Woolies is?
"Foragers" 13.

RUSSELL COIGHT
(embarrassed)
Lets check on our brew.
Russell Coight lifts the lid, breathing in a deep waft.
RUSSELL COIGHT (CONT’D)
Seems about right. For those playing
at home, swinging a billy brew
actually helps force your raw
ingredients to the bottom of the pot.
MCCARTNEY
Like drinking vodka through a straw
helps you get pissed faster.
RUSSELL COIGHT
Not far from the truth that. In the
absence of a still, we use centrifugal
forces to separate sediment and yeast
from the alcohol. Lets give it a
burl.
Russell Coight swings the billy over his head once, twice as
the handle breaks sending the billy 10 meters into the scrub.
MCCARTNEY
(despairingly)
My Cöightmeister!
RUSSELL COIGHT
Shit.
Russell Coight passes over a small bottle to McCartney.
"Foragers" 14.

RUSSELL COIGHT (CONT’D)

Not to worry, I always carry a 90
proof version for medicinal purposes,
it will put hairs on ya chest so its
best diluted through some condensed
milk.
McCartney has already skulled the bottle.
MCCARTNEY
Whooo!
RUSSELL COIGHT
Uh oh.
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
BACK TO:
EXT. DANDENONG RANGES - DAY
McLennan has fashioned her walking stick into a spear and
wears her hair up with a bandana across her forehead.
In her hand is the mobile phone with elastic bands holding
stick arms and legs as she fashions a smiley face into the
screen with a rock.
Before leaving, she tosses her hiking boots down a hill.
The top heavy backpack has reduced in size to 50%.
MCLENNAN
(looking at her mobile)
Come on McCartney, my senses have been
tuned to the bush and I can smell
food.
Peering through the scrub, the weekend paintballers jog past
in formation.
"Foragers" 15.

MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
McCartney stay down!
As the weekend paintballers pass, a glamping campsite appears
on the horizon.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
There’s our mission. That’s we’re
we’ll find some food with providence.
McLennan silently moves to the glamping campsite and seeing
nothing in the open, makes for a large dumpster.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
(climbing)
The old McLennan constantly aspires to
be too posh to push, give head, work
full-time and most certainly would
never have been caught within a cooee
of an oversized trash receptacle.
McLennan places her McCartney phone on the dumpster’s edge
and inside, rummages through the garbage.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
(stopping)
But out here, in the wild, I’ve grown
and feel a thrilling sense of
disregard for societal conventions..
McLennan retracts her hand from some gooey foreign object.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
With a little bit of Freud and free
association, you can convince yourself
of anything! Its not dumpster diving,
its urban foraging!
(half beat)
(MORE)
"Foragers" 16.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)

Its also not hypercritical to want the

best of both worlds, that's called
balance, hence I’m still too posh to
parent, that's what my PaTH intern is
for.
McLennan climbs out of the dumpster with thrown away food
jammed in her backpack.
The McCartney phone forgotten, teeters on the dumpster’s edge
as McLennan silently avoids the passing weekend paintballers.
Suddenly the McCartney phone rings, the caller ID reads
‘Bitch McCartney’ and vibrates, slipping into the dumpster
with a thud.
McLennan turns in angst from her hiding spot in the scrub as
the weekend paintballers go to investigate.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
(whispering in anguish)
McCartney!
(sobbing)
I'm sorry! I'm sorry, McCartney.
INTERCUT:
McLennan and the McCartney phone ringing in the garbage.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
(ala Wilson / Castaway)
McCartney, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
MCCARTNEY! I can’t! McCartney!
McCartney!
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
BACK TO:
"Foragers" 17.

EXT. DANDENONG RANGES - DAY

Its late afternoon and Russell Coight has McCartney’s phone
to his ear with her head in his lap. She appears to be on a
shamanic journey.
RUSSELL COIGHT
(calling McLennan)
Dam it, no service.
(reverting character)
McCartney, its Glenn, its getting late
in the afternoon, we might need to
start looking for McLennan soon..
(faux Coight joviality)
Things get pretty hairy in the bush
around dusk.
MCCARTNEY
She’s my spirit animal.
RUSSELL COIGHT
(sniffing the bottle)
There might have been a bit of DMT in
that.
(faux Coight joviality)
If you’re out foraging and have
consumed something that leads to an
existential crisis, like the one I’m
quickly approaching, the best way to
overcome a sense of being alone and
isolated is to remember that tomorrow
is a new day..
(reverting character)
(MORE)
"Foragers" 18.
RUSSELL COIGHT (CONT'D)

..except we’re going to freeze to

death and they’ll find our lifeless
bodies in 20 years time. They’ll say
look what happened to the famous
Russell Coight! Wake up McCartney!
(fading out)
Wake up!
McCartney stares out to nothingness as a mini McLennan spirit
animal whizzes by her field of vision. With an out reached
hand, McCartney tries to catch her.
MCCARTNEY
(lucid)
Phoar. What stinks?
MCLENNAN (V.O.)
You can find me McCartney! I am your
foraging spirit animal!
MCCARTNEY
A bat. My foraging spirit animal is a
putrid smelling bat.
MCLENNAN
I prefer Flying Fox. Let me sustain
you with nectar from my mouth so you
may succeed in your search for me.
MCCARTNEY
(swatting)
Ugh get away from me, you’re just as
annoying in spirit as you are in the
real world.
"Foragers" 19.

MCLENNAN
(fading)
This way McCartney, this way!
McCartney snaps out of her shamanic journey to find Russell
Coight whimpering above her.
MCCARTNEY
Pull yourself together man! You’ve
regressed into an 8 year old cub-
scout. I know where McLennan is.
McLennan heads off into the scrub.
RUSSELL COIGHT
You see folks, you can avoid the
extremes of the bush by simply
dismissing negative thoughts and
feelings through
(trailing off)
active denial..
(reverting character)
McCartney? McCartney!!
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
BACK TO:
EXT. DANDENONG RANGES - NIGHT
Its early evening and McCartney and Russell Coight search
through the bush.
MCCARTNEY
Here it is, I’ve found her trial.
"Foragers" 20.

RUSSELL COIGHT
I wouldn’t be too sure about that,
looks to me like a large feral pig has
come through here.
MCCARTNEY
Exactly. Keep up.
RUSSELL COIGHT
Folks, foraging isn’t just about
finding delicious and mind altering
flora, feral pigs can be good eatin if
you track downwind and approach your
prey from behind.
(half beat)
For experienced trackers, you should
anticipate the prey’s route by placing
yourself in the position of your
quarry.
Suddenly, several popping shots echo throughout the bush.
Russell Coight is splattered with fluorescent green paint
balls hits, ambushed by two of the weekend paintballers.
PAINTBALL WARRIOR 1
Sorry, itchy trigger finger.
PAINTBALL WARRIOR 2
Your friend is over here.
McCartney and Russell Coight follow the two weekend
paintballers over to McLennan.
"Foragers" 21.

PAINTBALL WARRIOR 2 (CONT’D)

We saw her in the camp bin looking for
food, she seemed lost and a bit
delirious. We only caught up with her
about 10 minutes ago but she’s fairly
wired, I think she’s eaten some
hallucinogens.
PAINTBALL WARRIOR 1
(sniffing)
And soiled herself.
McLennan is covered with a large tarp, standing on a mat with
various food offerings of a half can of Pringles, an empty
orange juice container, stick of butter, a half eaten
watermelon and some almonds.
MCLENNAN
(delirious)
I am the queen of the flying fox’s and
I offer this bounty to the Foraging
Gods!
Naked, McLennan strips open her tarp as if in readiness to
fly.
The top heavy backpack has reduced to a child size.
PAINTBALL WARRIOR 2
Holy shit.
MCLENNAN
(seeing McCartney)
Ahh my ever faithful companion. I saw
you in my dream.
"Foragers" 22.

MCCARTNEY
Yes mate, I smelt you as well, you’re
a little bit stinky, why don’t we go
home for a shower and a cuppa.
MCLENNAN
Billy brew?
RUSSELL COIGHT
Sure why not.
McCartney and McLennan walk slowly back to the camp leaving
Russell Coight and the weekend paintballers.
RUSSELL COIGHT (CONT’D)
Let that be a lesson for young
foragers, don’t go into bush without
adequate knowledge, you’re bound to
come a cropper.
MCCARTNEY
(yelling)
Glenn, come on!
Russell Coight turns to run after McLennan and McCartney.
PAINTBALL WARRIOR 1
You know who that was?
PAINTBALL WARRIOR 2
Who?
PAINTBALL WARRIOR 1
Mick Dundee.
"Foragers" 23.

PAINTBALL WARRIOR 2
No shit, that dude is like my spirit
animal!
CUT TO:
TITLES - CREDITS
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - LOUNGE ROOM - NIGHT
Glenn Robbins, McLennan and McCartney are sitting on the
couch in their dressing gowns.
MCLENNAN
Thanks for your help today Glenn, I
can't remember much but I really feel
like I’ve died and been reborn.
GLENN ROBBINS
I don’t know what you ate but as my
mate Russell Coight would say
‘Whatever symbolic form the shamanic
journey takes, the sum is always a
destruction of the old sense of self
and an experience of ecstatic
connection with nature, the cosmic
order and the creative energy of the
universe’.
MCCARTNEY
Poignant Glenn. Next time, how about
you..
(interrupted)
PAIGE, an intern sent from the Federal Commonwealth
Department of Employment, enters the rooms with cups of tea.
"Foragers" 24.

MCLENNAN
Who are you?
PAIGE
I’m Paige, your PaTH intern. We were
supposed to meet on Monday but I
wanted to get a head start.
MCLENNAN
(faux posh)
Oh, good I like that. Paige dear, I
have a sense that I won’t be doing
much over the next few weeks and
months as I recover from my little day
of excitement.
The sounds of distant crying fills the room.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
(warily)
It sounds like my child is crying.
Why don’t you see what food is in the
house and give it something to eat.
PAIGE
Yes Ma’am.
Paige leaves picking up McLennan’s child size backpack.
MCLENNAN
(pleased)
I’m a Ma’am.
GLENN ROBBINS
I’m the Man.
"Foragers" 25.

MCCARTNEY
You’re both fucked in the head.
CUT TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Paige walks down the hallway rummaging through McLennan’s
child size backpack, pulling out the psychedelic red berries
from the Dandenong Ranges.
PAIGE
(shrugging)
Hmm. This will do.
Paige opens the door to McLennan’s child’s room.
PAIGE (CONT’D)
Hey sweetie, you hungry?
FADE OUT.

THE END