Jamie Lewis - Issuance of Insanity III - Nutritional Psycho 1 PDF

ISSUANCE OF INSANITY III:
NUTRITIONAL PSYCHO
JAMIE LEWIS
DIGITAL PRINTING 2013

Copyright 2013 by Jamie Lewis
First Printing
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herein, or any other stupidity that might result in a lawsuit by the
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you may not match it as such, and by turning the page the reader
assumes all responsibility for their future actions. In the event of
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Copyeditor Krishtha Spuglio
Cover Design- Krishtha Spuglio
ISBN Pending Printed in the United States of America
Issuance of Insanity III Jamie Lewis
CONTENTS
1. INTRODUCTION 2
2. MORE MENTAL THAN PHYSICAL, AND HARDER THAN YOUD THINK 4
STEMMING THE TIDE OF DE-EVOLUTION, a.k.a. HARDEN THE FUCK UP 11
YOUR FAT IS UNEQUIVOCALLY YOUR FAULT 14
YOUR FAT IS UNEQUIVOCALLY YOUR FAULT 2:
Biggest Loser, Activists, and Loudmouthed Internet Shitbirds- Id say Fuck Em, But Whod Want To?
20
PALEOLITHIC DIETING: CAVEMEN HAD IT RIGHT
Eat Like a Motherfucking Caveman, and Youll Look Like a Motherfucking Caveman 25
READ A FUCKING BOOK, ALREADY: The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf 28
KETOGENIC DIETING 31
KETO DIETS: 35
Why They Work, How To Make Them Work For You, Why Vince Gironda Made a Song About Them...
35
MY SECRET DIET FOOD: Youll Never Guess It, And It Fucking Rules. 39
METABOLIC TYPING
Metabolic Typing Gets in the Mix, Finally 41
METABOLIC TYPING PART 1.5: If You Need a Little More Convincing 43
METABOLIC TYPING, PARTE DVAH: A Brief History of Metabolic Typing 44
MODERN METABOLIC TYPING:
MISCELLANEOUS DIETS AND DIETING GOODNESS

The French Have Finally Given The World Something Of Value- The Dukan Diet 57
SIMPLE AS A, B, Bloody C, D, E! 61
STEW-ROIDS
Stew-Roids Like A Muthafucka 64
THERES NO SUCH THING AS TOO MANY STEW-ROIDS 73
STEW-ROIDS FOR THE WIN 83
VEGETARIANISM/VEGANISM
On Veganism 98
VEGETARIANISM AND VEGANISM: The Best Indicators of Severe Mental Illness Since the Tinfoil Hat 99
VEGETARIANISM AND VEGANISM 2: As Logical As A Poopie-Flavored Lollipop 102
MAKE IT FUCKING STOP! The Skinny Bitches Are Back 106
FINISHING OFF THE SKINNY BITCHES 110
PHYTO/XENOESTROGENS:
SOY IS THE DEVIL, AND NOT IN A FUN WAY, 22 1/2 116
STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT PH BALANCED IS HORSESHIT 119
YO DOG! I WANNA LOOK LIKE YOU!
Wanna-be Necromancer and Randomly Herbal Pharmacist 125
The Supplements You Own End Up Owning You 126
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The Supplements You Own End Up Owning You 126

I Only Eat Food In Bar Form (The Supplements You Own End Up Owning You, Addendum) 127
HOW TO RAISE YOUR TEST LEVELS LIKE A FUCKING CAVEMAN 130
YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH TESTOSTERONE, SERIOUSLY 131
HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE- BEHOLD THE ! 133
ENOUGH ALREADY:
ENOUGH ALREADY:
EVIL WILL ALWAYS TRIUMPH, BECAUSE GOOD IS DUMB. 141
Evil Will Always Triumph, Because Good Is Dumb: The Science 143
EVIL WILL TRIUMPH, BECAUSE GOOD IS DUMB:
STOP BEING A PUSSY: GO FUCKING FERAL 149
GO FUCKING FERAL 2:
You Can Gain Weight Without Looking Like a Fat Fuck 160
YOU CAN GAIN WEIGHT WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A FAT FUCK 2 161
YOU CAN GAIN WEIGHT WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A FAT FUCK 3 164
CANT GAIN WEIGHT? GUESS WHAT- YOURE DOING IT WRONG 1 168
ITS TIME TO STOP MOCKING INDIANS FOR THEIR CLUBBELLS #4:
And You Thought Sumo Wrestlers Had A Fucked Up Diet 182
DIETING THE CNP WAY:
THE APEX PREDATOR DIET, IN FULL AND GLORIOUS DETAIL 200
APEX PREDATOR DIET IF YOURE LEAN AS SHIT 203
APEX PREDATOR FOR ATHLETES, ITALIANS AND GIRLS (APD & CARBS) 205
TINKERING WITH THE APEX PREDATOR DIET 207
THE NOT TOO FAT, BUT NOT TOO FUCKING LEAN APPROACH. 210
APEX PREDATOR DIET, PART 4:
YOURE FOCUSED ON ALL THE WRONG SORT OF DETAILS: 216

IF YOU ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MUST EAT DOGSHIT, EAT THIS 218
THE GOVERNMENT DOESNT LIKE YOU: In All Probability, It Hates You. 220
THERES A BUNCH OF FUCKING HORSESHIT FLOATING AROUND... 224
CHEAT MEALS:
GLYCOGEN SUPERCOMPENSATION & WEIGHT MANIPULATION 238
NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC, BUT 240
Works Cited 245
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There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the
uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the may-
hem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now sur-
passed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better
1. INTRODUCTION
This book has, for many people, been a long time coming. Over the last couple of years I have
posted a wide array of seemingly disparate articles on diet that have left more than a few peo-
ple scratching their heads, wondering exactly what it is I recommend. The short version is, of
course, nothing. I recommend no one diet for all people, as I lack the requisite haughtiness and
Such simplicity is folly, and it would be embarrassing for a person to accept the idea that such a
thing was possible.
We are not machines.
We did not issue forth from the maw of a mechanical womb, the mass-produced offspring of a
digital god. Instead, we are the produce of a number of disparate genetic backgrounds and geo-
graphic locales from which each individual has received a unique set of instructions from their
maker. There are no simple answers to the question of diet- just simple people in search of an
illusion that could not possibly exist. As thinking beings, we need to embrace the fact that our
conception of the simplicity of the world around us is no more real than the ideal diet we seek to
Abandon your belief in egalitarianism. All humans were not created equal. As such, all humans
and your strengths. They are the clues that will lead you to the diet that will unleash your inner
bermensch. Now, sit back, relax, and prepare your mind for the brutal onslaught of information-
al overload you are about to receive.
What follows is the culmination of four years of research and writing on nutrition. When I began
day studying any given subject, they would be an expert on that subject in a year. Having spent a
solid year reading a variety of texts on nutrition, I realized that the adage mustve been coined by
a person who was only an expert at spouting original, if wholly incorrect, platitudes. Despite the
hundreds of hours reading, the countless espressos chugged while reading every bit of the dreck
-
gotten corners of university libraries, and the revisiting of all of my old bodybuilding tomes, I felt
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as though I still had a picture of the ideal human diet so incomplete that I might as well have been
night. As such, I continued my research and experimentation with my own diet to determine what,
if anything, constituted the ideal human diet. Even before Id embarked on this intellectual jour-
ney, Id already read a number of books, pored over thousands of nutrition articles in bodybuilding
magazines, and tried nearly every type of diet of which one could think- the typical high carbo-
hydrate, low fat bodybuilder diet, the traditional ketogenic diet, Zone dieting, Paleo, and then
varying permutations of each. As such, the picture should have been, I thought, far clearer than it
actually was.
ideal eroded further, and the realization that even within a single person, the ideal diet might
change from period to period in that persons life. If that seems obtuse, allow me to explain- there
are huge biochemical, physiological and hormonal differences in a persons internal environment
throughout his or her life. Ones body is hardly a static environment, as its impossible for a person
to continually repeat the perfect day for maximum hypertrophy and minimal fat storage. As you
and progesterone. That alone would play merry hell on your dieting, and that fails to take into
account your stress levels, sleep, training, exposure to environmental toxins, sexual activity, and
illnesses. There are far too many factors at play for anyone to state unequivocally that a given diet
is best in all cases, for all people, at any age. Any statement to the contrary is either a blatant lie or
the product of an idiot.
This is not a cop-out, nor is it an excuse for the possibility of dietary failure if you follow my diet-
ing strategies to a t. Instead, this is a rational, educated adult attempting to impart a simple fact
of life to other rational, educated adults- there is no magic diet that will work for you every day for
the rest of your life. Instead, theres the perfect diet for you, right now, and its up to you to pull on
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Patrick Bateman: Im on a diet.
Patrick Bateman: Well, you can always be thinner... look better.

Jean: Then maybe we shouldnt go out to dinner. I wouldnt want you
to lose your willpower.
Patrick Bateman: Thats okay. Im not very good at controlling it any-
way.
2. MORE MENTAL THAN PHYSICAL, AND HARDER THAN YOUD THINK

One discussion I have more regularly than Charlie Sheen calls his coke dealer is with a woman (and
any woman at that), wherein she expresses no small amount of angst, horror, disbelief, and a little
bit of jealousy, at my feed the machine mentality towards eating. For those of you who arent
already aware, I more or less eat to feed the machine- its much more about the macronutrient com-
position and my dietary needs than it is about what makes my inner child smile. In fact, fuck my
inner child- my inner Hulk determines what Im eating at any given moment. Id never really giv-
en much thought to why that is so easy for me and so hard for most other people until this recent
dialogue, at which point I stumbled across what seems to me to be the most important piece of
the puzzle. Remember, however (especially any women reading this) that I am an outsider looking
in on this subject. Eating to satisfy some sort of inner emotional need is so far in the distant past
I dont even remember if it actually existed. Thus, Ive no idea what Ill be able to contribute in
terms of actual steps to take to become a fucking machine- Im just going to identify the problem
The Problem, As I See It

The problem before most people when embarking on a diet, a real, restrictive, extreme-end-goal,
fuck the world and pass the fat burners diet, is twofold. First, they have to deprogram themselves
from years of shitty dietary habits and the concomitant emotional attachment to certain foods.
This is a massive problem for most people, as they tend to associate certain foods with certain
feelings. Just about every broad I know, for instance, avoids the fuck out of protein and eats noth-
ing but fat and sugar when theyre upset, and that shit generally comes in the form of baked goods,
pasta covered in cheese, and potatoes. Frankly, that makes no sense to me, because half the time
theyll tell you theyre depressed because they feel fat. The answer, then, should be pretty simple
[DIET HARDER]
bullshit over the rational solution sitting in front of them. I assume guys do this as well, but all of
the guys with whom I generally hang out are just as robotic about their eating as I, or take enough
FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

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Whatever biochemical/hormonal response youre getting out of the food pales in comparison to
testosterone youll have from eating meat, getting lean and jacked, and getting the fuck up off the
couch. Eating meat and getting lean does more for your psyche than you can imagine, as your body
becomes a testosterone producing perpetual motion machine as you get leaner and more jacked
(Habito et al, Li). Thus, you will be happier over time if you simply stay the course and abandon
wounded inner child after looking at yourself in the mirror. While were not on the subject of jack-
ing off, youre far better off jerking off yourself than allowing your brain to jump into a rape van
equals better everything [Editors note- More orgasms MAY equal more testosterone. Science has
yet to arrive at a consensus there].
Additionally, if youre suffering from moodiness and irritability, its likely due to to the high levels
of estrogen running through your body if youre overweight. Estrogen and fat are a perpetual
motion machine of bullshit- fat produces estrogen and suppresses testosterone, and excess estro-
gen encourages fat storage. Suppressed testosterone also leads to moodiness (Barrett-Connor et
al.), which, in turn, will generally lead to poor food choices. Additionally, allergens and other toxic
chemicals in your environment (like the preservatives in that horrible shit you call comfort foods)
can lead to moodiness and irritability (Watson 42-46). Furthermore, there appears to be a correla-
tion between high protein consumption and high testosterone, as low protein diets show increased
levels of sex-hormone-binding-globulin, a chemical that attaches to testosterone and keeps it from
becoming bio-available (Schuler 70-71). This means that the shit most of you generally use to
improve your mood is actually having the opposite effect. Thus, theres something to be said
for that ridiculously overused quotation youll see on every thinsperation site on the internet,
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels, because being lean feels fucking AWESOME. Ev-
ery time you look in the mirror, you feel good about being you. Having a shitty day? Guess what,
theres a brand new vein on your bicep waiting to cheer you right the fuck up. Its just that simple.
Dough nuts likely do not have the same effect.
In re Thinspiration, which is what sites dedicated to pictures of extraordinarily thin chicks

claim to be, Im not really a fan of the waif look, but you have to appreciate the dedication
of being the hunger artists those broads are. Turning starvation into a philosophy is pretty
Kafka-esque, and anyone whos down with the author of is good by me.
Tragically, those broads are probably just too fucking stupid and lazy to diet and exercise
correctly, so they just avoid food altogether and completely dissemble my argument above.
Alas.
The Dark Period

The second issue facing most dieters is what Im going to call the dark period. That would be
the time in which you seem to be spinning your wheels, since theres not really all that much appre-
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ciable difference in your appearance and youre just hungry and pissed off. That period blows, and
Ive gone through it more than once in my adult life in spite of my draconian dieting regime, simply
-
stantly get bigger and stronger, not to mention mentally exhausting. Were I to simply resign myself
thing in the world thats awesome is violently illegal over there, but I managed to get as lean as Id
day. I was, however, fucking tiny. Thus, Ive got to overeat like a motherfucker and train my ass
off to stay in the 190+ area, and at times thatll wear you down. Thus, Ill let my diet slide, and Ill
gain fat thats hard as fuck to take off while maintaining a level of musculature my body apparently
hates. When that happens, I go though the following stages:
1) Denial that Im getting fatter. (So I keep eating the shit thats been making me fatter).
2) Acceptance that Ive gotten fatter. (Deliberation about diet and half-assed dieting).
3) Resolve to get lean again. (Hard dieting begins).
4) Initial awesome fat loss stage. This is when veins Id forgotten about start popping out
on my biceps, and my lower abs start to show a bit. This is massively encouraging, so I diet and
train harder.
5) The Dark Period.
with lean meat and Baked Lays more than once a week). At this point, I am angry as fuck that my
appears to be stalled. At this point, I start to question if its even worth it and if I should stay the
course.
The Dark Period will likely be the worst fucking time of your dieting life- it trumps the initial stages
Dark Period generally lasts a couple of weeks, which is livable. The duration of this period is
blissfully short for me because I think 12% bodyfat is unspeakably obese, and thus never really get
obesity, this period will likely far outlast mine. My Dark Period still fucking blows, but its nothing
whatsoever like what most people have to endure. For most people, the Dark Period can last mul-
tiple months, as theres a really weird period of time that occurs wherein you can see major changes
in your physique, and its more disheartening than discovering your favorite slutty friend is averse
to anal gangbangs. The bit of happy news for those of you who are under 15% bodyfat is that
once you get under 10%, you pretty much see new detail in your physique on a daily basis, which is
excellent motivation to continue dieting. For the rest of you, however, youll have to contend both
with the loss of the foods that gave you temporary joy while eating them and a protracted period
in which nothing appreciable seems to be happening, which most people consign themselves to
failure because their lose their resolve for lack of a visible light at the end of the tunnel. People
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will then decide that they cannot get any leaner, and theyll make innumerable excuses for why that
is. Remember, however, that certainty is a cruel mindset- it hardens our minds against possibility
and closes them to the world we actually live in.(Langer 24) Given that its far easier to fail than
succeed, and the fact that were awash in a sea of fucking elephants these days, its easy to convince
yourself that failure is ok. That, however, is nothing more than lazy thinking and defeatism, and
fuck defeatism. Youre no more designed to be fat than house cats are designed to be vegetarians-
humans are apex predators by design, not fat lumps of shit who need Lipitor to keep their arteries
-
The Solution
The simplest solution here is a tangible, Van Damme-style hard target of a goal. By this, I do
Something in which youll look like an ass if you fail. You need the fear of failure and a desire for
success simultaneously pushing you forward, and likely to greater heights than you ever imagined.
As such, if you want to get lean, heres what you should do- pick a meet thats in a sport in which
you want to compete and in which YOU HAVE A REASONABLE DEGREE OF SKILL. For
retarded. Thus, this aside:
Certain people are good at certain things and not others. Others are good at a shitload of
arent reading this shit- theyre busy playing with My Little Ponies in their parents basement
most success in life are those who work hard getting better at what theyre good at, while de-
voting far less time (though some) to improving on their weaknesses. If you spend all your
time working on your perceived weaknesses, the best for which you can hope is mediocrity,
and mediocrity is a stupid fucking goal -
mine what your competitive strengths are. Having done so, weigh them against what you
enjoy. The shit that has the most crossover is the shit in which you should compete. Before
you people start making claims about my claims about being unmuscular and generally un-
suited for powerlifting, consider the fact that I NEVER consulted with other people about
training. I never asked detailed questions of a complete stranger about training. If I did
a great deal about training, and I pushed the fuck out of myself. As such, you are almost
certainly nothing like me. My success comes from nearly twenty years of breaking my fuck-
ing ass in the gym 5 or more days a week, through illness, training, vacations, travel, divorce...
you fucking name it. I have a burning desire to rule everything around me, and I will bend
the fucking world to my will. Thus, I can be pretty fucking awesome at just about anything I
want, because I hate losing more than I like watching tv. Get me?
In short, what Im saying is there seem to be a lot of you out there who pick what you want
Page 8
so many ridiculous emails claiming improvements in their squat after 5 years and theyre not
even hitting 300 lbs at 190.
NOTE: If youre 190 lbs and you cannot squat 300 lbs after two years of training, DO
NOT POWERLIFT.
You will not only never be good at it, but youll embarrass yourself, your family, and your
friends in the process. The same goes for people who want to be olympic lifters but suck at
visage. This seems elementary to me, but the internet seems to have put it in everyones
head that they should research the fuck out of things (badly), then discuss those things on
message boards (using pseudo-intellectualism that would make a beret-wearing junior college
philosophy major blush), and only then try them. If youve done that, punch yourself in the
face- youre likely too stupid to succeed in killing yourself, so you might as well not bother
bottom, pick something else to do.
that much simpler, as you dont have to worry so much about strength. If its anything involving a
hell of a lot of running around (Im looking at you, rugby players) youre youre doing naught but
announcing your sloth and idiocy to those around you if youre not fairly lean. If its a strength
sport, youre likely going to be concerned about losing strength. Dont be, for a couple of reasons:
1) Dieting keeps you focused on training, and vice versa. The harder you diet, the harder
you hit the gym, because youve already made a shitload of concessions about your training (in the
fuel selection), so youre retreating from success before you even touch a bar. If youre entering the
gym pissed off and a little hungry from dieting, youll take out your frustration on the weights, and
youll want to break your fucking ass so that the effort of dieting isnt wasted.
2)
lose muscle or strength from dieting. Anyone who says otherwise was dieting like a bodybuild-
er, which is fucking retarded. Bodybuilders diet the way they do because theyre mentally weak and
rely on drugs to do the majority of the work. In strength sports, you do all the heavy lifting- a vial
of test has never lifted a goddamned thing.
3) Even if you managed to lose strength, dropping fat means dropping weight, which
means dropping weight classes. As such, your relative strength will likely rise. For instance, you
decide to do a meet, and you currently have a 1500 lb total at 200 lbs, with 15% bodyfat. You diet
your ass off, and in 5 months are 181 with 6% bodyfat, a badass set of abs, but only a 1450 total
(which would be HIGHLY unlikely, but this is just for the sake of argument). Your Wilks coef-
Page 9
terms of getting best lifter than you would have been as a fat 198 lber.
In any event, youre going to pick a competition not more than six months away. I say not more
than six months away because you need a sense of immediacy driving you forward. You need to
hear a clock ticking in the background, and you need to be without room for error or failure. You
need a time limit so that your every action must be near-perfect to achieve your goal. Once you
decide on the meet, mail in your participation forms and fees immediately. Spending money on
entry fees, whatever equipment youll need, and travel will guilt you into training. Additionally, you
will have to set a tangible goal on that form, because you will ostensibly have picked a weight class
in which you realistically want to compete. Take your bodyfat, decide whats doable in the time
allotted, and where you would like to be, and then start dieting. THAT DAY. Not tomorrow. Not
on Monday. Right then and fucking there.
Starting the diets not the hard part- sticking with the diet is. Like I mentioned, youre initially going
to see a lot of progress. That will motivate you to train and diet harder, which will initially produce
even more pronounced results. Then, quite without warning, those results will seem to stall. I have
no idea what the fuck your body is doing in this period, or why it happens. What I can tell you,
however, is that it even fucks with my head. You will start to doubt everything at this point, and
youll start blindly grabbing for solutions to kill the stall in your recomposition. What people do
most commonly at this point, if they dont quit altogether, is to either take a layoff or change what
theyre doing entirely.
DO NOT DO EITHER.
Neither one of those things is what got you to where you are, and youre not a pre-industrial ex-
plorer whos run out of land and has to start building a boat. Youre simply a pilot whos hit a
badass headwind in the middle of a fucking hurricane. Like that pilot, youre just going to have to
give it more gas to keep making any progress, and keep going the exact same way youre going to
avoid having the hurricane spin you around and slam you into the fucking ground. Make no mis-
take- if you stray from the course that got you to your stall, you will fucking crash and burn. In-
stead, you just give that fucker more gas to get through the dark period. Like that pilot, you will get
out of the storm, and you will be fucking happy with the results when you do.
Sequential shifts in behavior spur the most change- not radical ones (Young 45). Thus, when you
Add a weighted vest to your light workouts and just wear it throughout the lift.
Add in a long morning walk on an empty stomach.
Stand up while you play Xbox.
Cut down on the number of carbs you eat during a refeed, spread them out throughout the
day, or try concentrating them into one big burst.
Add a couple of sets to each workout of piddly shit youd like to improve.
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Any improvement you make to what has already been proven to work will help get you through the
dark period. If you spend too much time analyzing and not enough time doing, however, you will
suffer from paralysis of analysis, and you will utterly fail. Over-analysis anchors you in the past,
causes you to associate the problem with odd and often downright fucking ridiculous things, and
or the minor details of this or that, and just fucking TRY HARDER. If I had a fucking dollar for
every email Ive received where the obvious answer was try harder, you fucking pussy, Id have
a shitload of money. If you simply do something, and you believe what youre doing will work, it
will. If sugar pills can cure 50% of depression cases simply because the patients believe in the ef-
success, because unlike the whiny pussies in the depression study, youre getting off your ass and
taking charge of your own life.
During this period, you are going to have to work harder than ever to stay focused. It is going to
suck. Youre going to need more sleep. Youre going to get pissed off at little shit, because youre
are going to start making suggestions about making concessions, about how what youre doing is
unnatural and possibly unhealthy, and theyre going to reinforce your doubts and that shitty little
voice in the back of your head. It is at this point that you need to remember the following:
You are better than every single fucking person around you.
Youre a goddamned demi-god- you have transcended the human condition and become something
better, and youre on your way to becoming a godhead. If, that is, you can stay the course. To do
this, I use a variety of techniques. I listen to even more aggressive music, and I am constantly on
the hunt for new music to get me pumped up. I will only read books in which the protagonist is
Childs Reacher books, Vlad the Impalers biography, or my ultimate pump-up book, Gates of Fire.
fast and aggressively. On top of that, Ill diet even harder, reduce my carbs during my refeed days,
and cut any sugars during my Rampage.
Prevention of mental stalls is done through pre-programming a response to cut reaction time.
Preprogramming appears to circumvent the strategy formulation stage and directly downloads
the motor program into the central nervous system(Siddle 70-71). For me, preprogramming is as
simple as cloaking myself in superhuman, aggressive awesomeness. It is NEVER, however, read-
ing tales of woe and failure on the fucking internet, so avoid message boards like the goddamned
plague during that time. Theres nothing in them but fucking fail. 135 lb form check? I only want
to see it if its a 6 year old girl doing it and she cuts the throat of some dickbag in Under Armor
youve made enough progress? Only if the last picture posted is you opening the veins on your
wrists while chugging bleach.
Keep it positive, and keep it aggressive. You will prevail.
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have two choices- be a strong person or a weak person. Theres no in-between. If you fail at di-
eting, youre fucking weak. There is no other reason- its not your thyroid, or your genetics, or the
fact that you didnt use this or that drug- its because youre fucking weak. Should you choose to be
and their mental state could not possibly matter less to me. It should, however, matter a great deal
to you. Thus, you should succeed at your diet to make yourself a stronger, better person. You will
thank yourself, and the more miserable the experience, the more youll appreciate it thereafter.
Failure is not an option.
STEMMING THE TIDE OF DE-EVOLUTION, a.k.a. HARDEN THE FUCK UP

There is little case to be made, in my mind, against the idea that humanity has de-evolved since
the advent of agriculture, and further with the adoption of Christianity by the vast majority of the
world. In the last hundred years, advancements have been made in human health, and the stature
and longevity of the human race as a whole has improved rather markedly. This is hardly some-
thing to jump up and down screaming about, however, as humanitys health had been in a steady
decline since the abandonment of hunting and gathering, and then had its genetic pool continually
diluted and systematically destroyed by the Christian ethic of mercy, which has allowed the genet-
the mercy inherent in allowing those children who would have been left to wild dogs to wander
about in society, increasing the prevalence of mental and physical retardation, in addition to every
sort of mental illness one might encounter. This problem was exacerbated by the adoption of a
diet wholly unsuited to humanity, that of agrarian fare, in lieu of the meat and veggie-intensive diet
of our paleolithic ancestors.
Fact: Many Neolithic groups routinely resorted to infanticide in order to control their
numbers so that their lands could support them. Decapitated skeletons of hominid children
have been found with evidence of cannibalism. Joseph Birdsell believes in infanticide rates
of 15-50% of the total number of births in prehistoric times. Williamson estimated a lower
rate ranging from 15-20%. Both believe that high rates of infanticide persisted until the de-
velopment of agriculture. Comparative anthropologists have calculated that 50% of female
newborn babies were killed by their parents in the Paleolithic Additionally, Exposure of
newborns was widely practiced in ancient Greece. In Greece the decision to expose a child
was typically the fathers, although in Sparta the decision was made by a group of elders. Ex-
posure was the preferred method of disposal, as that act in itself was not murder; moreover,
the exposed child technically had a chance of being rescued by the gods or any passersby.
Wikipedia (Infanticide).
According to archaeologists, skeletal remains show that paleolithic humans developed musculari-
Page 12
ty similar to todays elite athletes (Eaton)- in the paleolithic era, humanity resembled professional
as killing megafauna with nothing more than a sharp stick. They were hardly the stooped, sickly,
grubby motherfuckers that archaeologists of yore would like to have you think they were. Instead,
they were heavily muscled, heavily tatted, meat eating motherfuckers who were bigger, on average,
THAN MODERN MAN (Ungar). Additionally, archaeologists believe that the fact that the average
paleolithic person only lived to be 35 was due to the combination of stresses of nomadism, cli-
mate, and warfare, not because they died of old age, sickness, or malnutrition. The latter is especial-
ly clear in the Jebel Sahaba population, where projectile wounds affecting bone are very common
and almost half the population probably died violently. Over the subsequent few thousand years,
the average lifespan only increased about 5 years, until the advent of modern medicine, when it
then doubled (Nicholson [ed.- The chart from which I pulled this info is in the appendix]).
Not all of the softness and shittiness of the modern human can be attributed to diet and religion,
however, as it is fairly obvious at this point that the mere sloth of the modern human is not to be
underestimated. Weve all heard our grandpas tell us how much tougher people were back in the
day- I remember having my college roommates insane, one eyed grandpa relate to me the following
tale:
I lived on a FARM. You DO know what a farm is, eh boy?! Well, it was the Depression, and
and PUSHING DOWN THE CORN. PUSHING DOWN THE CORN! WHY WOULD
A PERSON SLEEP ON TOP OF CORN STALKS? [At this point, I was edging away
from the man, as he was practically foaming at the mouth, and he was screaming at me from
a distance of about 4 inches, nose to nose with me.] So this one guy, a real hardass, tells me
to go fuck my mother when I told him to get off the property. I got out of the truck and
whooped his ass for him. I was 19 or 20, and I wasnt about to let some bum talk like that
about my mother. So, I beat his ass, and he was laying there, whining and weeping in the dirt.
As I picked him up to throw him in the bed of my truck, he rolled over and STABBED ME
IN THE FUCKING EYE WITH A CORKSCREW. [He emphasized this point my point-
ing at the pirate patch over his left eye.] Dumbstruck, I asked what he did next.] WHAT DO
YOU THINK I DONE, BOY? I STABBED THAT BASTARD IN THE THROAT WITH
THE CORKSCREW. Then I drove myself to the hospital, where they gave me a patch, an
aspirin, and some sulfa. Thats how we did it in the OLD DAYS. You boys are soft!
To summarize, the man pulled out his own eye and stabbed a man to death, whom I later found out
fuck who you are, THAT is the essence of brutality.
Other impressive past feats:

In 1834, a Norwegian sailor named Menson Ernst ran from Paris to Moscow, a distance of
about 1550 miles, in 14 days, 18 hours. Were talking unpaved, muddy country roads in the middle
of one of the shittiest areas in history, and the fucker SWAM 13 RIVERS on the way. Two years
later, he worked as a courier to the East India Company and traveled 5625 miles from Calcutta to
Page 13
Constantinople in 59 days- crossing almost nothing but desert and mountains, and passing through
India, Tibet, Afghanistan, Persia, Mesopotamia, Syria, and Turkey (Willoughby).
Milo Steinborn SQUATTED 553 pounds.
1927 (Ibid).
The usual load carried by porters in Izmi, Turkey was 560 lbs in the early part of this centu-
ry, and frequently carried 840 lbs (Ibid).
Turkish porters in Constantinople used to carry regular load of 600 lbs, sometimes at a trot,
and some of the strongest porters carried 800 lbs (Ibid).
To make matters worse, modern man has proved himself to have been weighed, measured, and
found wanting in comparison with his ancestors. Multiple times, modern Americans have attempt-
ed to mimic the daily efforts of the people of the past, and have not only been incapable of doing
so, but have even deemed their efforts impossible. How were the pyramids built? CERTAINLY
NOT BY HAND! Easter Island? Must have been magic. Until recently, archaeologists didnt think
that Viking longships were SEAWORTHY, because they couldnt replicate their acts. Thats right-
they didnt think that Vikings, who have left shit scattered all over Minnesota, could navigate the
ocean, in spite of the fact that they were well-documented sailors. In the last few years, a number
of efforts have been made to replicate the actions of the Vikings, and have been disasters. It was
Olympic rowers (Viking Voyage). Bear in mind that Vikings would regularly row to where they
wanted to go, then immediately disembark and begin killing everyone they saw with massive broad-
engage in a bit of rapine. Modern athletes cant even ROW the fucking things, much less row some-
where and then storm a beachhead thereafter and lay waste to a city. So, what does this tell us?
Were a civilization softer than any in mankinds history, and weve not even regained the stature of
our prehistoric ancestors. The word pathetic hardly even describes our collective physical state in
comparison to our predecessors, and theres no excuse for it.
We dont have a great war in our generation, or a great depression, but we do,
we have a great war of the spirit. We have a great revolution against the culture.
The great depression is our lives.
-Chuck Palahniuk
Our revolution, our purpose, should be to undo the millennia of bullshit and nonsense that has
gone on in the human race. We should resolve to be stronger, faster, and leaner than any group of
people in history. We shall return to the age wherein men looked like men, acted like men, and did
manly shit. Gone is the time wherein you should feel comfortable bitching about physical shit- just
do it. Your lower back hurts because youve done a few sets of deadlifts, and you want to stop?
Youre a fucking pussy. If a Turkish porter could do it a hundred years ago, Ill be a Chinese jet
pilot if you cant muster up the balls to lift it now. Arthur Saxon drank lager beer mixed with gin
and eggs and then proceeded to outlift EVERYONE, in an era before testosterone had been iso-
Page 14
lated, and was lean as fuck while doing it. Want to eat more food but not be a fatass? THEN LIFT
MORE. Want to get stronger and bigger? LIFT MORE. If people could do it in an era wherein
they had no idea where their next meal was coming from, you sure as shit can do it now.
If the guys above managed to somehow live through what any slack-jawed pussy on Bodyspace
would swear is overtraining, and thrive, if the pyramids do indeed exist, if the Vikings managed
to do what they did, and if TURKISH PORTERS ROUTINELY LIFTED MORE IN A DAY
THAN YOU EVER HAVE IN A WEEK, overtraining can suck it. The take it easy crowd can
suck it. The 10 minute abs people can suck it. The next time you hear some Under Armor clad
asshole in the gym tell you that if you train chest twice in a week youre overtraining, grab him by
the throat and pound his fucking face until you see bone and brain. He shouldnt be allowed to
procreate.
No one ever got manlier by doing less, and training smarter rather than harder makes you a corner
cutting pussy, not a weightlifting virtuoso.
Theres no use in denying it: this has been a bad week. Ive started
YOUR FAT IS UNEQUIVOCALLY YOUR FAULT

A few years ago, a book was released entitled Your Fat Is Not your Fault. Though the book likely
wasnt popular enough to have effected great change in the American zeitgeist, it certainly echoed
the strongly held beliefs of a lot of extraordinarily fat people trundling their worthless asses around
your local Walmart. Virtually anything other than their lack of self-discipline and willpower is
-
marketing, governmental complicity, societal pressure, and vast conspiracies implicating some or
all of the aforementioned. Of the lot, certainly poverty is bandied about the most, as a number of
studies have drawn a correlation between poverty and obesity. Unsurprisingly, this correlation does
not hold if one looks at the United States in prior eras, nor does it hold consistently outside of the
United States. As these statistics are easily obtained through a google search it seems obvious that
obesity is more strongly correlated with sloth and stupidity. Again unsurprisingly, that correlation
holds no matter what spatial or temporal boundaries are employed, and actually extends further.
As such, I propose that the root of the problem behind obesity in America is a combination of
stupidity and laziness, with the amusing correlates of religiosity and bad driving to boot.
Page 15
Page 16
Your Fat Is Not Your Fault didnt blame any of those things, but rather ascribed fatness to bad parent-
ing, food allergies, and a bunch of other happy horseshit. Irrespective, it still takes the onus off the
fat person and places it on everyone else, which is preposterous. If youre stuck in a room slowly
unless they enjoyed wallowing in sewage. One would think that a penis disappearing under folds
of fat would cause people react with much the same level of distress, alarm, and heightened moti-
vation towards resolution, but theyre too fucking lazy to bother. Thus, they blame everyone and
everything else for their problems and continue to get fatter while they scream about their rights as
an alleged human being, their persecution by the skinny right, and the fact that their obesity is not a
direct result of their own actions. No matter what their preposterous accusations, however, its not
society that made them fat, and the only thing keeping them from resembling an actual human is
The most common correlation mentioned between fatness and anything else is poverty. Fat peo-
ple and leftists love to claim that obesity is the result of poverty, and use a variety of studies to
illustrate the correlation. If youre thinking to yourself that this makes no sense, youre right, but
they confuse correlation for causation because theyre stupid and lazy, and they seem to think that
all poor people are so fucking dumb they dont know what food is bad for them and whats not. As
I show above, theres much more to this issue, but it appears clear to me that stupidity and sloth,
not poverty, are at its root. Fat people arent fat because theyre poor- theyre poor because theyre
fat and stupid. To wit:
Stupid, lazy people make terrible decisions.
As such, they get fat, a condition exacerbated by the fact that theyre incredibly lazy. Perhaps
to whatever low-paying jobs they might have been able to obtain. They are only able to obtain
low-paying jobs because ugly people earn less than attractive people. This isnt fatism- its a simple
sociological fact that people are nicer to attractive people, and attractive people are more successful
Mart, they fall back on the idea that their station in life is divinely ordained, and that they can do
created. This, then, explains why theyre poor. Before you shit your pants screaming about the
logical leaps Ive just made, consider the following: I added in the bad driving and religion simply
because I thought it was amusing, but it seems obvious that fat people are genetically predisposed
to anything, its sucking at life more than Channing Tatum sucks at acting.
-
ed to be an in-depth statistical analysis. Even if it were, everyone worth a shit (read: everyone but
fat people) who has been through business school has read all or part of .
Page 17
If youve not, its a book that clearly explicates the fundamental problem with statistics, which is
that they can be manipulated by clever statisticians to support nearly any political, sociologicial, or
otherwise theoretical aim. Irrespective of the shallow nature of my statistical analysis, Im certain
that were students of anthropology were to look deeply into the data, my supposition would like-
ly be borne out in great detail, but would then be blasted in the press and suppressed for being
mean.
Why would it be suppressed? Because nonsense like the following is more accepted than the truth:
Its no secret that theres a correlation between poverty and obesity. Were living in the
supposedly richest nation in the world (thanks to a glorious legacy of slavery and proper-
ty theft), where the majority of the people are either poor, or hopelessly debt-riddled and
overtaxed middle class. The majority of Americans dont have enough money relative to the
quality of life were expect to maintain for our families, and at best rely on consumer debt
to survive, and at worst criminal activities that may land us in jail. Many of us live or work
in areas where we dont have access to affordable healthy food. We may not have the time or
money or energy or desire to work out or cook healthy meals at home when theyre already
working 2 or more jobs to barely get by. Most of us dont have adequate healthcare. Most of
stairs), cant afford or dont have access to a public gym, and may not live in areas where its
safe to go jogging at night, or for our children to get exercise by playing outside. Were en-
couraged to self-medicate our exhaustion and misery with booze, cigarettes, television, video
games, internet, and processed food that is literally chemically engineered the hit the pleasure
centers of our brains like narcotic drugs, driving the urge to eat more (a hence, buy more).
This narcotic food is cheap, even cheaper if you go for the 64 oz. Big Gulp, the King Size
candy bar, the supersize fast food value meal. You can buy this food almost anywhere,
and its a quick makes you feel good when youre tired or cranky, at least temporarily. And its
no big surprise that this lifestyle often leads to obesity, diabetes, and other issues(James).
To summarize: fat people are fat because rich, thin, blood-thirsty capitalists force them to live
beyond their means and internalize the belief that they can afford anything and everything. Thus,
having overspent on trinkets, theres no money left for food, so the overworked and under-appre-
ciated proles are forced to feed their families processed foods because theyre too lazy to cook real
food. Then, theyre not given free gym memberships or rides to the gym by the aforementioned
blood-thirsty capitalists, replete with top hats and monocles, and they must live with their big-
screen TVs and smart phones in undesirable areas with people in the same situation yet are appar-
with junk food, nicotine, and alcohol to escape from the reality in which they live, and those medi-
cations are the only things that the rich provide them, as a soma for the Betas, Deltas, Epsilons, and
Gammas of our cruel world.
Only the fattest simpletons on Earth could possibly buy this ridiculous tripe. The fat broad who
penned that ridiculously intellectually disingenuous bullshit has cast herself as nothing more than
Page 18
an easily led herd animal manipulated into a lifestyle she could have easily avoided if she didnt
suck, and then managed to paint her fellow cattle as dangerous miscreants and criminals. Had this
genius ever read Rhetoric, she might have developed the ability to formulate a cogent argument, but
that would again require she not be a lazy piece of shit. Shed also know, were she not so fucking
disgracefully slothful, that the correlation she mentioned between poverty and obesity only exists in
the last decade of the 20th century and the beginning of the 21st century and only in the United States. This, of
course, brings me back to my premise- our problem is that people are hideously, shockingly, and in-
excusably fucking stupid and lazy. The fatty above blames everything on capitalism and income in-
equality, but fails to take into account that the United States of the early 20th Century had nearly as
much income inequality, yet they were far leaner. The immigrants coming across the ocean werent
whining about how fat they were, simply because they were too busy working hard and making
their own fucking food to get fat, in spite of the fact that they were hard-drinking, chain-smoking,
lifestyles kept them from getting fat. Nor does this correlation exist outside of the United States,
because the correlation is nothing more than the root of a stupid fucking argument thats the brain-
child of intellectually lazy socialists. The less intellectually lazy socialists at PBS had this to say to
their red-banded compatriots last year:
There are an estimated 1.46 billion overweight adults worldwide, and 502 million of them
are considered obese. While nearly all countries are seeing rates rise, the severity of the prob-
lem varies greatly from country to country, said the WHO.
In Japan, about one in every 20 adult women is obese, compared to one in four in Jordan,
one in three in the United States and Mexico, and up to seven in 10 in Tonga.
percent of the adult population could be obese by 2030 if current trends continue, a team
from Columbia University and Harvard University wrote in a separate paper in the series(-
Miller).
In other words, everyones seeing people getting fatter, and it has little to do with poverty- in poor
countries, the rise in obesity is among the rich. Wheres the indignation on their behalf, fat bitch-
es? On what day shall we weep for them- people who are likely getting rich off the literal blood
of their countrymen. Its not like there are any motherfucking Sudanese getting loot by expanding
their cosmetic lines to serve outlying populations in northern Uganda. People in truly poor coun-
tries will eat anything on which they can get their hands, and still, unsurprisingly, manage not to be
fat.
affordable food, which is utter fucking nonsense. Think Im lying? Its possible, even in Europe
where meat is hideously expensive, to eat a Paleolithic diet on the cheap. I personally managed to
eat very well for about $30 bucks a day, and I was eating 2 kilos of chicken breast and a big bag of
mixed veggies daily in Vienna, the 24th most expensive city on Earth (Bloomberg) [Editors note:
Though the author believes $30 a day is living on the cheap, I tend to disagree. However having
Page 19
lived in Europe as well and eaten for around $7 a day (in Berlin) and remaining pretty Paleo, I also
have to agree]. Im not saying that paleos the only healthy manner of eating, but its indisputably
healthier than what most poor people in the US eat, and its generally considered to be hideously
expensive. The former-American-turned-Czech over at the blog Prague Stepchild ran a 7 day chal-
lenge with his readers, and the three winners showed it was possible to not only eat extremely
healthily, but also extremely well for between $25 and $85 a week per person- Brendon spends
$30-35 a week in South Korea. Jonathan spent $27.75 for a week, simply shopping at his local
supermarket, and Margaret spent $85.49, around the national average, for very high quality food
(grass-fed beef, etc).(Prague) Thus, its not a matter of cost, but a matter of sloth, which the fat
bitch freely admits- We may not have the time or money or energy or desire to work out or cook
healthy meals at home. Thus, its not a matter of accessibility or affordability, but rather of work
ethic. This is why the poor Americans in the early 20th Century looked like badasses and many of
the poor people of this century looks like the shiftless, disgusting sacks of shit that they are. To
be fair, however, the poor people of the 19th century could afford healthy food because they didnt
spend all of their cash on crack, guns, and iPhones.
Lets get back to my awesome chart, though, since I went to the trouble of making it. On that
chart, we see a very strong correlation between shit test scores in grade school (which we can attri-
bute to a combination of shitty parenting and laziness), low rates of college graduation, religion,
and poverty. Perhaps we should start broadcasting public service announcements that science and
math are not the works of the Devil, and if you actually work hard in school you can get a job that
will allow you to shop at Whole Foods if they wished. Certainly, Im not going to blame Jesus for
this problem, as that motherfucker had a badass six-pack, but the cattle who worship him around
the clock seem to love Ring Dings and couches just as much as the Good Book and hate learning,
exercise, and vegetables like theyre the Devil himself.
So, what are we left with? How about the fact that people are so lazy that they consider it a victory
to walk a marathon. That they will put on exercise clothes to walk the dog, because that, to them,
constitutes exercise. Thats not exercise- thats LIFE. Living your life the way humanity was in-
tended to- moving the fuck around. Fat people are fat because theyre lazy. They dont understand
it because theyre stupid. Theyre stupid because theyre as intellectually lazy as they are physically.
Think Im exaggerating? Think again.
Only 5.07% of Americans reported doing any vigorous-intensity activity like running, while
at the other end of the scale, more than 95% said they had engaged in the highly sedentary
activity of eating and drinking.
The next most common activity was another sedentary one watching television or a mov-
ie, which 8 in 10 Americans did.
The most frequently reported moderate activities were food and drink preparation (25.7%),
followed by lawn, garden, and houseplant care (10.6%), the study said (Song).
Food preparation, my friends, is not moderate exercise unless youre a teppanyaki chef at a Japa-
Page 20
-
sode of Dragonball Z for hours on end. The problem, obviously, is that people are incredibly lazy,
and thats why theyre fat. For whatever reason, the government decided to exacerbate this issue
by deeming housework as moderate activity, which must be how the obese decided that preparing
the food they jam down their gullets is exercise.(Rhone) By prepare, of course, I assume that they
mean drive to KFC, order KFC famous bowl, return home, eat disgusting gelatinous brown glop
in shame.
Speaking of lazy, how about we address the laziest of all excuses that land whales bandy about as
the source of their bodyfat- hypothyroidism. Whenever anyone blames glandular issues or their
hormone. Fat people generally assign blame to this in addition to their genetics, which they seem
to think are part of the vast global conspiracy to consign them to a life trapped in a fat suit and
the ridicule and scorn that comes with it. Again, this is nothing short of laziness, because if they
were in any way motivated to come up with anything other than a half-witted rationale for being a
disgusting fatass, theyd know that only 4.6% of the population of the United States suffers from
hypothyroidism(Golden). Again, weve got nothing more on our hands than a pack of fat, stupid,
lazy people who cant drive to Dunkin Donuts without smashing into other cars and parking on the
sidewalk while bellowing odes to Jesus at the top of their lungs and shrieking in horror at the sight
of a book.
It might surprise you to discover that I have no problem with people being fat if thats what they
want to be. I believe that the male archetype is the Farnese Hercules and the female archetype is
however, is the intellectual disingenuity that begins with people whining about the alleged discrim-
ination under which they supposedly suffer for a condition they themselves embraced and actively
cultivated, only to turn and state that theyre victims of a mysterious and nebulous third party. Its
the same bullshit that resulted in 10 Minute Abs and the Thighmaster- sloth. If they love eating and
fucking and want to lay around all day eating cheesecake, awesome, but keep your fucking mouth
shut about discrimination- they chose a lifestyle that led to their current state.
Thus, I think theres a compelling case to be made for the idea that a persons fat is his or her own
fault. Whether or not they choose to do something about it is one thing, but they certainly can
have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up about it. They made their soft, pillowy beds, and now
they can lie in them- a state of repose should be fairly natural for them at this point, anyway.
YOUR FAT IS UNEQUIVOCALLY YOUR FAULT 2:
Of all of the horrible dreck foisted upon the American public by television production compa-
Page 21
nies, the worst of them is without question the paean to failure called The Biggest Loser. No one, no
matter how disconnected from society they are, can possibly be unaware of this circus sideshow
of obesity, given its ubiquitousness around the world. I found the fact that its a worldwide phe-
nomenon to be rather surprising, given that its accepted as a matter of course that Americans are
the sloppiest bunch of hamburger-guzzling, sloth-like gluttons on the planet, but our fatness has
apparently spilled over into other countries, like a wheezing fat mans gut over and under the arm-
rest separating your chair from his on the airplane. No fewer than 27 other countries and regions
have aired this pathetic spectacle at some point, and Americas actually had two concurrent shows
at once- one in English and one in Spanish.
My problems with the show are hardly the average litany of criticisms, as I am hardly the average
-
drating themselves and subsisting on a starvation diet to win a game show. Welcome to high school
wrestling, big wide world- theyre not doing shit high school and collegiate wrestlers do as a matter
of course. Shit, powerlifters cut weight all the time, and theres nothing but a medal at the end of
the meet, rather than the Losers hundreds of thousands of dollars.
They bemoan the fact that two contestants were hospitalized after a 1 mile foot race.
A one mile foot race? Those fat fucks should have been shot on the side of the road, as the lag-
gards (rightly) were in the Kurt Russell epic movie Soldier. If you cannot make it a fucking mile on
no excuse on Earth to be in that kind of shape, and if youre in it, fucking die already. Youre a dis-
grace even to a species that worships people like the Kardashians and who think that living under a
fascist dictatorship is safety.
They claim that the show sets unrealistic expectations for weight loss. Were talking
about a show wherein obese people go on hiatus from their jobs and train with trainers and have
meals prepared by chefs and nutritionists while on a weight training vacation. Did I mention they
get paid on that vacation? Well, they do. Thus, they effectively have sponsorship while taking that
weight training vacation. How could that be anything but unrealistic? Who on Earth, other than
Marius Pudzianowski and Stan Efferding, can do that? What could possibly be realistic about that?
Moreover, if youre a fat person using that show for inspiration, youve already failed- theres no pot
of gold sitting at the end of your fat loss rainbow. Theres just a lot of loose skin and a gremlin
sitting on your shoulder screaming at you to eat Oreos.
They decry the fact that most of the contestants regain the weight they lost. Wel-
come back to reality, people- thats what fucking happens. Apparently, the concept of a bodyfat set
point is as elusive to most people as it is that a distinct and driving predilection to make shitty food
care enough to do something about waistlines growing faster than the yeast infections between
their sweaty thighs, theyre certainly not going to do something about their weight after they get
off the show, either. Were talking about people who need a $300k carrot and a stick wielded by
screaming trainers who chase them hither and yon for 12 hours a day and direct their every move-
without external motivation, those fatties are completely fucking useless.
Page 22
Clearly, the world is missing the point entirely. If anything, the show the Biggest Loser exists because
it makes less fat people feel better about themselves, and most of America is fat as shit. Its a visual
Xanax for fatties thinking of (rightly) blowing their brains out because theyve failed to keep the
machine that is their body in top working order. You dont see gearheads whining that the auto-
junk. Thats because they know its fantasy come to life, just like taking a 500 lb pile of dogshit and
attempting to transform them into a productive member of society. Theres a difference, however-
the car played no part in its own destruction, whereas the fatties self-destruction is pointed, willful,
and persistent.
Quite frankly, I have no idea how I have come across these things, but one blog has stood out as a
bulwark of nonsense amidst all of the moaning about the fatties on the Biggest Loser- the ridicu-
lously titled Dances With Fat. This blog is the produce of a morbidly obese broad who champi-
ons the cause of size acceptance and rails against fat discrimination, two concepts that are as
stupid as they are pointless. Fat acceptance, for instance, violates a deeply ingrained cultural re-
sponse to the obese that all of the whining in the world isnt going to resolve- the Western Worlds
distaste for obesity. There are three categories for social stigma, according to anthropologists and
psychologists- tribal stigma, abominations of the body, and blemishes of physical character. Over
the last half a century researchers have determined that obese people fall into the latter two cate-
gories, as they are considered undesirable and physically unattractive, and because their obesity
is indicative of sloth and other moral failings in those around them (Carr). There is little evidence,
however, to suggest that these stigmas manifest in actual discriminatory action- people are too
scared of being perceived as discriminatory to act on their distaste for land whales (Carr). Instead,
Carr argues, it is the Jabbas own self-loathing projected onto other people that leads them to be-
lieve that they are the victims of discrimination. They literally hate themselves so much that they
(rightly) think everyone else should as well.
Size acceptance is an equally pointless enterprise, as whining about how equal you are when all
empirical evidence shows otherwise, and because heath care costs are rising due to the fact that
the self-destructive lifestyles of homosapiens hippopotamus. Its one thing to have to dodge their
ridiculous mechanical conveyances in Wal-Mart because theyve given up on walking and suffer
behind them as they slowly trudge down an isle that they block completely with their bulk- its yet
another to have to subsidize those things because theyre covered by Social Security and Medicare.
No one will accept a persons willful attempts to inconvenience those around them because they
lack the self control in the baked goods isle necessary to keep themselves to a svelte 299 lbs.
That said, the author of the website recently railed against the current, horrifyingly
disgusting season of The Biggest Loser. For those of you who (blissfully) do not have that awful shit
playing on the televisions in your gym nightly, this season has some of the whiniest fat kids youve
ever seen making failed attempts to visually resemble their peers. Not a moment goes by without
Page 23
complaint or tears, and 30 seconds into each episode you want to drag those fat fuckers to death
behind your car blasting Good Vibrations from the radio and chugging a protein shake. Never
before have I been stronger in my resolve that we should just round up obese children and send
created by their bulk), because if theres anything worse than children, its whiny fat children in
constant search of a Ring Ding while ostensibly well-intentioned people are trying to help them
achieve their goals. Thats right, each of these fat fuckers has delivered a tearful missive describing
the horrors of being left out of kickball because they cant run, or the shame of getting stuck on
the slide. The kids have explicitly stated that they want to lose weight, yet they bitch the entire god-
damned time about the unfairness of having to diet and exercise. I dont know about you guys, but
when I was a kid, I didnt need to exercise, because I was constantly playing. I ran everywhere,
jumped off shit, rode my bike, and did the normal kid shit that keeps you from becoming a fat
piece of shit. If anything, the show is a waste of time because those lazy little fuckers are incapa-
ble of enjoying physical activity. Rather than chain them to a treadmill, itd be easier to drive them
to the long-term lot at the airport in a stolen car, shoot them in the back of the head, and leave the
car there to be discovered months later. No one will miss hearing those fucking kids cry, and weve
saved ourselves the time and money of trying to resuscitate their fat asses when they keel over from
a heart attack at age 30.
Dick Talens, who apparently is someone people on Reddit care about, insists that its not a lack of
willpower thats keeping that winter coat of fat on the good people at your local buffet, its that
-
ness your goal is fucking retarded. In any event, he argues that The Biggest Loser is a terrible role
model for the poor fat people of the world because it suggests that they should work really hard to
achieve their goal, with the single-minded focus of a young Jeffrey Dahmer torturing his neighbors
cat. Heavens no! Not hard work! Anything but hard work! What Talens fails to take into ac-
count when making his positive feedback loop is that the rewards must outweigh the costs for the
fat slobs to become champions, and thats often not going to happen. Giving up Oreos for some
people is tantamount to the French Foreign Legion throwing down their weapons the second they
entered the city limits of Camerone. Were talking about people whose entire existence is based
with the incremental progression they might get if they can avoid too many dietary indiscretions
while doing something they hate (i.e. exercising).
This, my friends, is because fatness is not caused by genetics, or environment, or bad parenting
(unless the kid is very young). Its from failure. A fat adult is a person whose life history is written
on their body- theyve failed. Theyve failed themselves, theyve failed their sexual partners, theyve
failed their children... fuck, they even fail their pets, because those fat motherfuckers arent taking
their pooches on a needed 2 mile walk. These are people who think KFC Bowl is a legitimate
answer to the question whats for dinner? Theyre the people who think a 40 inch waisted pair
Page 24
of jeans isnt a horrifying prospect and who havent seen their genitalia without the aid of a mirror
in years. These, my friends, are unmitigated failures, and no amount of positive feedback loops are
going to reverse the damage their failure has wrought- they will push those failures uphill for eter-
nity, giant sloppy, Sisyphean sacks of cellulite rather than boulders, up a hill paved with Oreos and
dried tears.
In summary, The Biggest Loser would only be acceptable entertainment if the contestants were con-
stantly mocked and tormented with their favorite foods, all while the commentators for Most Ex-
and cracked jokes at the contestants collective expense. Sadly, the show fails
to account for the inherent hilarity in fat people running and jumping, and focuses more on their
incessant weeping and complaints. Since a Venn Diagram displaying the body types of the peo-
ple featured on the TV show Hoarders and the people on The Biggest Loser would consist of a single
circle, it might just be easier to drive around to their houses, shoot all of the occupants, and burn
them to the ground. Either way, fat people should shut the fuck up about their fatness and suffer
the miserable lives theyve chosen to live in silence or fucking do something about their fatness, also
silently, and not on television. As they likely will refuse to do so and claim they have one of the
many genetic disorders they love to insist are the problem, Ill just have to settle for mocking them
in public and having a rage seizure every time Biggest Loser airs in the gym.
Page 25
disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I dont

-
PALEOLITHIC DIETING: CAVEMEN HAD IT RIGHT
As I mentioned earlier, and is mentioned in a study published in the journal

and Physiology in 2003, skeletal remains show that paleolithic humans developed muscularity similar
to todays superior athletes (Eaton). On one hand, thats pretty awesome because everyone back in
the day was fucking jacked, but on the other hand, it sucks that most of humanity has devolved to
the point where your average American looks like a shaved walrus and is as weak as a newborn kit-
ten. In any event, the fact that these bad motherfuckers of yore probably looked a lot like turn of
the century strongman Maxick is due to a combination of diet and exercise that is rarely emulated
in the modern world.
Though we could easily make a case for the degenerative effects of poor breeding habits in the
Western World since the advent of Christianity and the development of modern medicine, both
-
son behind their superhumanity is due to Paleolithic nutrition. In the early 20 Century, a rough-
th
and-tumble professor who apparently grew bored enough with the ease of daily life decided to
roll up to snowy Eskimoland with no gear and live amongst the Eskimos while studying their cul-
ture. Whilst he lived amongst the people to which Canadians refer to as snow monkeys, polar
gooks, and ice beaners, Vilhjalmar Stefansson ate nothing but meat, and found himself to be
healthy as shit thereafter. When he returned triumphant and ripped to New York City with tales of
his diet, everyone called him insane. Stefansson, then, decided to prove just how insane he was by
embarking on a year-long clinical trial of the diet to prove that it would not ruin his health. Unsur-
prisingly to anyone whos ever tried the diet, doctors concluded in 1929 that his all meat, high-fat
diet was the shit, and so was Stefansson. Supergenius inventor of the geodesic dome, R. Buckmin-
ster Fuller, then decided there was some merit to the diet and expanded it to include some fruits
and veggies, but little else (Audette). Later, a dentist from Ohio named Weston Price noticed that
his patients teeth were becoming an ever-worsening shitstorm of cavities and dental caries. He
started traveling all over the world and studying the teeth and diets of indigenous cultures, discov-
ering that none of the problems he was seeing in Ohio were extant in cultures that abjured the con-
earning him the undying hatred of the Amer-
dentistry. As a result, the diet sat dormant for years, until the mainstream medical journals picked
Page 26
evolutionary medicine.
For those of you unfamiliar with the term evolutionary medicine, proponents of it contend that
during which time hunter-gatherers who ran around in loincloths, killing shit and eating it. Second-
ary adaptations occurred later, and were localized based on the available foodstuffs. For instance,
people in the Subarctic and Central Asia evolved to eat very high fat and protein diets that contain
little or no vegetable matter while others like the Indians of Central America and various peoples
in Central Asia, adapted to higher carbohydrate, lower protein, and lower fat diets. Obviously, this
all occurred after the Neolithic revolution, but as various foodstuffs were adopted as local favor-
eating patterns. Perhaps the most glaring examples of this phenomenon would be the ancestral
Russian diet versus that of the Mediterranean, and the ancestral diets of the Masai, which are
mainly animal products, and the Bantu, who are wholly vegetarian (Wharton, 281). Irrespective of
where they were, Paleolithic people ate, on average, half the fat we currently eat, but three times the
amount of protein in the modern diet. The fats they did eat were by and large polyunsaturated, but
their cholesterol was much higher than ours (which lent itself to higher test levels, Im sure). Addi-
(and much more potassium), two times as much calcium, tons of micronutrients, and 130-150 g of
in controversy (Eaton, 6).
to 42% protein, 26% fat, and 32% carbs, eating roughly 3000kcals a day (Ungar, 79). Modern hunt-
er-gatherers have varied diets due to geographic limitations and the general availability of various
types of food, but it generally comes down to 30-40% protein no matter where they live, save for a
couple of vegan tribes in Africa, who manage to eke out an existence in a place that barely even has
dirt, much less any food worth digging out of the ground. (Eaton, 373) The result, however, is that
modern hunter-gatherers are strong little fuckers, ripped to pieces, and can outperform Western
athletes in their indigenous athletic events.
Ten Commandments of Paleo Dieting (as described by Ray Audette)

Do Eat
Dont Eat
grains beans potatoes dairy sugar
that with metabolic typing and carb cycling to spur greater gains in the gym, and the basis of my
Page 27
diet is undeniably Paleolithic. I have, however, a couple of caveats to traditional Paleolithic dieting
as described by Ray Audette. One, this diet is a pain in the ass, as you cant eat sandwiches. As
which I tote to work with me in Tupperware. It transports easily and tastes good, but it gets old
after awhile, just as turkey meatballs lose their luster after a month of eating nothing but. Neither
of these is strictly Paleo, as theyve been processed and generally contain something in the way of
nitrates or nitrites to prevent spoilage. Audette also cautions against cheating, as he states that cer-
tain foods have a drug-like effect that may cause withdrawal symptoms. I personally think this is
horseshit, and I religiously adhere to a program of one three to four hour cheat windows on Tues-
day and Friday nights. Lastly, both Audette and Cordain counsel against eating tubers, which is odd,
as Cordain stated in the that cooking arose at the same time that tubers
came to prominence in the human diet. Modern hunter-gatherers eat a shitload of tubers, as did
of today. As such, its tough to draw a comparison between the old and the new. Nevertheless, I
see nothing wrong with a post-workout yam, or one in the morning on a high-carb day, and have
used dried yams as a snack periodically throughout my adult life as an awesome snack when Im not
watching my carb intake too carefully.
If youre still unclear on what, exactly, Paleo dieting is, Ill put it as simply as possible: back in the
day, motherfuckers wandered around with spears and rocks, killing anything they could and eating
every last morsel. With the advent of cooking, consumption of all foods became easier, as it re-
duced the amount of mastication necessary to swallow and digest the food. Still, humans only ate
-
sional handful of berries thrown in for good measure. Each locality had its own distinctive selec-
In a turn of events likely due to the advent of large settlements and cities in Mesopotamia and
Turkey, people in the Mideast and Southeast Asia began eating a shitload of grasses, and planting
them, which eventually resulted in modern rice and grains. This was apparently a necessity, as ani-
mal husbandry alone could not support the populations increasingly crammed into small, wall-off
spaces. When that occurred, people shrunk in stature, developed metabolic diseases that were at
that time unknown, and generally fucked themselves right in the ass. Though most people know
of the adage those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, no one in our government has
taken a close enough look at the history of humanity to recognize the fact that the consumption
of grains and abandonment of a meat-heavy diet produces frail, sickly dwarves. Those of us with
functioning brains, however, can use this as an object lesson and determine what not to eat, and
why. Heres the list:
Soy- For the love of all thats holy, avoid this shit like the plague if youre a non-Asian man.
Asians might have adapted to eating that crap, but its sick, unhealthy, and downright unnatural for
any non-Asian male to eat it. An unpublished study from Dr. Mike Fitzpatrick of New Zealand as-
sociates soy consumption with biological changes in the function of sex glands, thyroid, and central
Page 28
which blocks the uptake of calcium, zinc, and magnesium. Low zinc throws your copper levels out
of whack, which in turn destroys your thyroid function. Formula with soy in it delivers more estro-
gen to the babies who consume it than is contained in 10 birth control pills! For the love of your
test levels, avoid that shit.(Eaton, 79-81)
Beans in general- Many beans are extremely toxic if consumed raw (like soybeans and
lima beans), while all others are inedible. All beans contain alkaloids that protect them from animals
(lima beans contain high levels of cyanide), and fava beans contain 3 different toxins that cause fa-
vism in some people (even if cooked). (Wharton, 56) Even grean beans contain prussic acid, which
is toxic in high levels. Thus, beans are bad, mmmmkay? Peanuts and cashews are beans, by the way,
and cashews grow from a plant related to poison ivy, so they can be fatally toxic raw (its one of the
most common plant-related calls to the Poison Control Center).
Tubers- Like I earlier, its well documented that hunter-gatherers and ancient hominids ate
tubers. This might account for the fact that the various paleo authors disagree on which tubers are
ok to eat. Turnips are okd by Cordain, but poo-pooed by Audette, which is silly to me. Turnips are
hardly high in carbs, but Audette forbids them, yet allows beets, which are basically a giant block of
sugar.
Corn-
esophageal cancer. They are thus bad. (Wharton, 55)

Grains- Wheat, corn, rice, oats, barley, rye, and other seeds of grasses require milling and
long cooking to be made edible. When ground, raw grain and water make paper mch, and causes
severe digestive distress in all primates. As such, its wise to avoid them. (Wharton, 54)
Should this be something by which you badger those around you and on which you should base
your entire existence? Likely not- dietary zealots are perhaps the most annoying people in a world
separating good from bad foods, and gives an easy framework for any diet.
READ A FUCKING BOOK, ALREADY: The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf

Few facets of our daily lives are dominated so wholly by trends than dieting and nutrition. Diets
seemingly go through rapid shifts in popularity throughout the years, and without question one
of the biggest trends in nutrition today is the paleolithic/ancestral/caveman diet. Ive blogged at
on the subject, all of which seemed to be at odds with one another. Though all of them provid-
ed some manner of anecdotal evidence to support their claims, and in some cases described the
deleterious effects of certain modern foods on the body in some detail, none of them offered the
comprehensive, heavily cited, and engaging and well written-but-denser-than-a-fucking-black hole
Page 29
Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf. Thus, I present to you what I consider to be the seminal work on
paleolithic dieting.
Short Synopsis
Pros:
heavily cites archaeology, nutritional texts, and anecdotal evidence.
he explains that paleolithic man was healthier because of his lifestyle, not just due to food
choices.
-
gious excuse for people to whine like bitches and proselytize about their food choices.
his writing style is both intelligent and conversational, making it far easier to read than most
nutritional texts, while providing ample support for his suppositions.
he adapts the paleolithic lifestyle to that of modern man- i.e. he takes into account people
are going to party and their jobs consist of sitting around all day doing nothing, and explains how
to work a paleo lifestyle into that.
Cons:
the workout sections more or less worthless- its designed for your average coach-potato
shitbag, not people who have a vested interest in being awesome.
he fails to get into the wildly impressive physical feats of paleolithic man, outside of a
short bit lifted pretty much directly from Manthropology.
The John Holmes (i.e. Long) Treatment
pretty short list of cons. I loved this book and ate it up. As such, Ill give you guys some of the
highlights from the book, and then you can read it for yourself:
He started out as a competitive athlete, then became a vegan because he (like I, which I
thoroughly enjoyed) loved fucking dirty hippies. Though Id never take it to that extreme, I appre-
ciated the fact that he go so into veganism that he was seeking semi-spiritual advice from vegetarian
gurus at one point. That storys actually pretty amusing.
After he stared death right in the fucking eye due to his idiotic foray into herbavorism, he
spat in the Grim Reapers face, got a degree in nutrition, and took a steaming shit on conventional
nutritional wisdom, as any intelligent, free-thinking person should do as a matter of course.
He explains in great detail, the reasons why grains are particularly bad for you, but gives
-
thing no other paleo writer has done. To sum up his stance against grains, all grains contain lectins
and protease inhibitors, which means that giant protein molecules end up punching holes through
your intestinal walls and contribute to a wide array of literally shitty GI problems after you eat
them.
He describes in great detail the metabolism of carbohydrates and explains how its the
virtually every medical problem plaguing modern humans on excessive carbohydrate consumption.
Page 30
the root of most prevalent diseases, including cancer. It contributes to cancer by blocking the natu-
ral process by which your body regulates growth of abnormal cells, by the way.
Though he glosses over the deleterious effects of legumes and dairy (presumably to pre-
vent losing his readers by providing too much information, he gives some citations that offer an-
swers to why those foods are also off the table, pun fucking intended.
He explains the negative effects of modern living on our cortisol levels, which contributes
to a variety of metabolic problems. He pointed out a couple of stressors that wouldnt immediately
pop into ones head, like having a healthy and rich social life. He also gives a decent, Paul Chek-es-
que explanation for how and why sleep is so important, which I found enlightening.
He gives the recipe for the infamous NorCal margarita, and explains why all of the includ-
ed ingredients are there. Curious?
The Infamous NorCal Margarita

2 shots of gold tequila
Juice of 1 lime (the whole damn thing)
Splash of soda water
There is some chemistry behind the recommendations. The lime juice blunts insulin
release and the CO2 bubbles in the soda water act as whats called a nonpolar solvent.
This actually lextracts the alcohol from the drink and delivers it to your system faster.
Better living through chemistry! (139)
He goes on to mention that alcohol isnt paleo, but au contraire, my friends- being the nerd I am,
I have evidence that disproves this: studies of the Bertram palm show that it contains alcohol
concentrations in the nectar , and found that nectar inside the bud contained up to 3.8% alcohol
(roughly equivalent to beer)(Hodge). Finally, Wolf rounds out the book with a treatment on pro-
tein choices and a list of decent recipes.
Think what you will about paleo dieting, but the shit seems to work, and Wolf s arguments sup-
plans to purchase this book, youve failed at life. Get this book and caveman it the fuck up.
Page 31
My depersonalization was so intense, had gone so deep, that the nor-

mal ability to feel compassion had been eradicated, the victim of a
slow, purposeful erasure. I was simply imitating reality, a rough resem-
blance of a human being, with only a dim corner of my mind func-
KETOGENIC DIETING
Though the subject has been covered a million times by a million authors, no one resource seems
to make available all of the information necessary to make an informed opinion about ketogenic
dieting. As such, I felt that it was high time to break it down for you people in simple chapter and
verse. I personally like ketogenic diets for a variety of reasons, but I dont consider them to be the
-
ue of metabolic typing in the coming week, so before you go off all half-cocked, wait for the entire
story. Bear in mind that everyones biochemistry is remarkably different, and as such, you cant sim-
ply look at some random motherfucker whos physique you appreciate and think that his training
and diet regime are going to work for you as they did for him. Random insane shit like Intermittent
Fasting (Leangains), apparently works for some people, as does the Warrior Diet. Ill review both
of those diets at some point, if theres any interest, but for not Ill just hold them aloft as examples
of shit that works for some people, but is CERTAINLY not ideal for all people. Likewise, Chaos
and Pain is a training style that will suit some people incredibly well, and be abhorrent to others.
What the Fuck is a Ketogenic Diet?

A ketogenic diet is a diet wherein you consume few or no carbohydrates, so that your body begins
utilizing ketones (the byproducts of fatty acid metabolism when carbs are not present), for energy.
This typically occurs when your blood glucose levels are at or below 50 mg/dl. Thats 50 milligrams
of glucose per deciliter of blood, for you fuckwits out there. In a ketogenic state (when there are
more ketones than glucose in the blood), ketones are the primary fuel source. Low levels of blood
glucose result in increased glucagon secretion, which causes catabolism of liver glycogen and can
stimulate glucogenesis (the manufacture of glucose from not-glucose substances). Glucagons pur-
pose is to stimulate the secretion of fat and liver glycogen breakdown, which aims to raise blood
glucose concentration by increasing the release of glucose from the liver (Protman, 22).
Theres Nothing New Under the Sun

Numerous cultures since time immemorial have followed low-or no-carbohydrate diets. Central
Asian horse nomads, for instance, have typically subsisted on a diet of meat, mares milk, and an-
imal blood since before recorded history. Likewise, the Inuit have subsisted and thrived on a diet
-
Page 32
ples did so simply as a matter of exigency- there was little or no edible foliage for them to cultivate
or gather and eat. Instead, they subsisted and thrived on diets consisting of nothing but animal
products, eating everything in an animal from the marrow to the intestines, and every fucking thing
in between. Sound gross? Yeah, well, thats what you do when theres no Publix [Editors note: if
youre not in the South, replace Publix with Acme or Albertsons] within 500 miles. If you think
your ancestors were reticent to adopt this sort of diet, think again- paleolithic people in England
12,000 years ago had a diet nearly identical to wolves and bears- nearly 100% carnivorous (Rich-
ards).
Just as we lost knowledge of central heating, we forgot that meat-eating lends itself to high levels
of awesome. Luckily, this diet was reintroduced to the west by the pioneer and general godsend
William Banting, who published his Letter on Corpulence in 1863. Banting advocated a diet that
had been recommended for epileptics for centuries, which consisted of four meals a day of noth-
ing but meat, veggies, and dry wine. His diet was wildly popular throughout the 19th century, and
was considered so revolutionary that his name actually became an adjective for a while. Bantings
work was expounded upon by James Henry Salisbury, M.D., the inventor of the Salisbury Steak,
and a proponent of a diet consisting of two parts meat, one part veggies. His eponymous food,
to aid in his fat loss after reading Bantings work and recommended it be eaten three times a day.
Later, Vilhjalmur Stefansson advocated the diet of the Eskimos, which as I stated earlier consists
of nothing but meat. Building upon that diet was Richard Buckminster Bucky Fuller, who was
most well known for his invention of the geodesic dome. Fuller applied his energy theories to diet
as well and spent the remainder of his years following and espousing a meat-and-veggies style keto-
genic/paleolithic diet. Robert Atkins later adopted this diet and popularized it in American culture
the way Banting had in England, giving rise to the ever-popular yet perennially fucked-up Atkins
diet. Weve all seen those fat fucks eating ten lbs of burgers at McDonalds who claim theyre on
Atkins, yet remain fat as fuck and repulsive to the point that we question their humanity. Dont- if
theyre that fat, theyre no longer human, and should be treated as such. Feel free to feed them arse-
nic- theyve already demonstrated that theyll eating anything you put within their reach.
Keto Dieting for Those Who Are Still Confused

Theres a bit of debate on what, exactly, constitutes a ketogenic diet. Dan Duchaine, considered by
some to be the most notorious expert in bodybuilding, believed that a true ketogenic diet con-
sisted of NO carbs, 30-35% protein, and 70-75% fat. He believed that the slightest introduction
While I respect his Spartan approach to dieting, in the modern world it is both unrealistic and un-
reasonable. According to William Willey, author of Better Than Steroids, you can get away with up to
5% of your diet from carbs before you exit ketosis. Nevertheless, the name of the game is to eat as
or fewer carbs a day will all but assure that youre hitting ketosis.
Whether you choose to go with 0 or 30 grams of carbs, Body Opus, the brainchild of Dan Duchaine,
Page 33
and the Keto run espoused by Warren Willey, consist of a roughly 7 day low-to-no carb period, in
which your diet consists of 25-30% protein and 30-35% protein, for Duchaine and Willey respec-
tively. To enhance the effectiveness of such a diet, or any diet, a 7-14 day period of uninterrupted
ketogenic dieting might be necessary (Lavale, 51). Once youre in ketosis, the diet works through
metabolic trickery, as Duchaine put it. By starving your body of carbs, insulin secretion is re-
duced, and that causes your pancreas to produce glucagon, which supplies energy to the brain and
converts fatty acids into ketones (Duchaine, 253). Those ketones then supply your body with the
energy you need to get through your day
The Icing on the Fucking Cake

Its not hard on your kidneys, for one. Your family, your friends, and your coworkers will warn you
of the alleged dangers of this diet. The basis for their warnings is jealousy- they know they lack the
intestinal fortitude for such an extreme dietary methodology. They suck. Ignore them- science is on
your side. Doctors will lambaste ketogenic diets for causing myriad deleterious effects, but Ill cau-
ahead of the game if he looked as good as the comic book nerd on the Simpsons. Asking an MD
about diet is like asking your dog about astrophysics- youre not getting a single useful thing out of
the motherfucker. Doctors will decry keto diets for making the blood acidic, if theyre even famil-
iar with blood pH, or theyll claim theyre hard on the kidneys. Ketosis is only hard on the kidneys
for sedentary people, as the ketones only make the blood acidic while theyre waiting to be burned
(Duchaine, 254). As for the kidney statement, thats patently absurd. On its face, it denies the theo-
ry of ontogenics, on which the majority of the theory of evolution is based.
You might be wondering, at this point, how any of this shit pertains to you. Diet, after all, is just
about eating the right shit, and every bodybuilding magazine on the planet spouts the same shit
every fucking month, none of which includes massive bloody steaks dripping with grease- its all
steamed chicken and broccoli and yams and blahdifucking blah blah blah. There are two different
approaches to diet, however. Theres the thermodynamic approach, which is what bodybuilders and
other assorted idiots use, which treats the body like a machine that rolled off a mass-production
line, and balances input and output to arrive at a generalized perfect dietary plan. Who here is a
cybernetic organism sent back in time to kill John Connor?
Anybody?
Exactly. Youre not a machine. I guarantee you, your basal metabolic rate is NOT what the myriad
online calculators tell you it is, and that your metabolic equivalent of task calculation for a given
activity is wildly different than your next door neighbors. Using those fucking calculators is fucking
ridiculous. Do you honestly think that a 250 lb., hard charging, muscular motherfucker is burning
the same number of calories as some elephantine broad who just heaved her fat ass out of her Lark
scooter long enough to do the same activity as the aforementioned beast? If you do, you should
probably head to the store and buy a frisbee with which to commit Seppuku, because you need to
stop breathing, stat.
Page 34
This brings us to the second type of nutritional approach- chaotic. The chaotic theory addresses
the complexity of the human organism, and the wild diversity that exists in individual human biolo-
gy. This is the theory, obviously, to which I ascribe, and the one I think any rational thinking person
would adopt. It is because I ascribe to this theory that I depart from Duchaines caloric restrictions.
Caloric restriction is an integral part of Body Opus, and he recommends that you set your calorie
levels before you even embark upon a regime of carbohydrate restriction and elimination. Given
that ones metabolism is changed so drastically during ketogenic dieting, I consider his methodolo-
fucking bullshit. Studies have shown that low carb diets, calorie restricted or not, cause fat loss, and
increase postprandial (post-meal. You learned a new word, fuckers!) thermogenesis by two times
(Willey, 81; Cordain, 17). Additionally, the more protein you consume, the hotter your metabolism
burns, as protein has 3x the thermic effect of carbohydrates or fat (Crovetti), and high protein diets
have been shown to increase the metabolic cost of digestion by about 30% when compared with
high fat diets.
But what about all of the silly motherfuckers who claim were eating too much protein already?
Generally, theyve already demonstrated that they are dumb enough to be stripped of their right to
an opinion by stating that the human body can only process 30-40g of protein at a time, a state-
ment for which there is absolutely no clinical evidence, and a preponderance of anecdotal evidence
(and just plain old fucking common sense) to the contrary. Beyond that, theyll claim that too much
protein is hard on your kidneys, which is patently untrue, given that there are multiple studies show-
ing that kidneys easily adapt to high protein diets and function perfectly at the end of clinical trials
of high protein diets (Skov), and that kidney function IMPROVES with increased protein con-
sumption (Eades 138). This is called ontogenesis- your body has the ability, and really a biological
-
modate both increased workload and increased protein consumption, and will perform better than
you had ever dreamed it would simply by force of will, which extends even to the cellular level.
Whats that mean to you? To get the absolute highest metabolic rate, your diet should be high
protein and low-to-no carb. But the question is, whats chaotic about that? Nothing. Sounds a lot
like eating nothing but paleo all day long, which is hardly chaotic. Well, Ive got another trick up
my sleeve. Studies have shown that overeating after undereating leads to greater thermogenesis, an
acceleration of anabolic processes, and a replenishment of glycogen reserves and intramuscular
-
ishes your intra-muscular energy, so that your next Viking raid will go swimmingly. Additionally, a
2003 study at Johns Hopkins showed that intermittent fasting (a day of fasting followed by a day of
overeating 2x the amount of daily calories) led to an increased life span, reversal of diabetes, and
increased resistance to brain damage (Audette, 47).
Before you people jump to conclusions, Ill become an intermittent faster when the apocalypse
comes and food becomes scare. Until then, Ill let that remain the purview of Swedish people with
Page 35
a fetish for starving themselves. It does, however, lend credence to the idea that cycling your calo-
ries might be a good idea. So, where does this lead us?
keep your protein insanely high at all times
rotate your caloric levels
keto runs are your friend
That, my friends, ends up being some chaotic shit. Its also the basis for the Chaos and Pain style of
dieting.
KETO DIETS:
Vince Gironda says:

Fuck you, Carbos. You can suck my dick. You cant get me, Carbos, because youre just
In the information age, more than ever, it seems extremely common for trends in what passes for
rational and intelligent thought and discourse to emerge wherein a particular opinion is held aloft
as unassailable truth. For whatever reason, one of the most insidious and pervasive of these opin-
ions in nutritional circles seems to be one that presents ketogenic diets as catabolic and useless for
strength athletes. Simply put for the new jacks in the audience, this means they believe that keto-
genic diets will cause you to lose muscle mass faster than an AIDS patient in a Somali slum. This,
however, is simply not the casein fact, the polar opposite is true. In fact, catabolism is blunted as
the body metabolizes ketones for energy during a ketogenic diet.
I realize its a popular notion that Im some sort of genetic freak who thrives on a diet that would
kill a lesser man. True, I am awesome, and true, most of the shit I do on a daily basis would kill
lesser men, but Im hardly a genetic anomaly in regards to the ketogenic diet. A study conducted
at the University of Connecticut in the early part of the last decade showed that thyroid function
gain occurred- all of the participants had extraordinarily positive recomposition in a short period
of time, and they accomplished this in spite of being fatties and saddies. If fatties and saddies can
lose an average of 7 lbs of body fat and gain 2 lbs of muscle in a six week period, Id think that the
average techno-death metal-Viking Hooligan would thrive on it. Dave Palumbo certainly did- at his
best, he squatted 800 for four and deadlifted 600 for 8, which is pretty fucking impressive for a guy
while I torture metaphors like theyre Chechen teenagers in the greater Boston metropolitan area:
ketosis is protein sparing, which means your body will not metabolize protein for fuel
at any point in your day, provided youre eating enough fat. Your body will actually learn to love
burning ketones for energy more than the Japanese love tentacle rape and your protein synthesis
will dramatically increase (Nair, Harber, Kadowaki).
Page 36
IGF-1 levels will raise like a true Beliebers current interest in shitty tattoos and girlish
haircuts due to your bodys low levels of insulin, which in turn will lead to greater hypertrophy
(Harber).
ketosis allows your body to utilize stored bodyfat for energy because of the aforemen-
tioned low insulin levels, and insulin blocks stored fat utilization like a fat girl cockblocking at a bar.
ketosis suppresses your bodys release of ghrelin, which means you will be less hun-
gry on a ketogenic diet than youd otherwise be. This is particularly useful for the aforementioned
saddies and fatties, who often have Charley Sheen-esque impulse-control issues when it comes to
ketosis may make you smarter-

than glucose (Amerman, but for a ridiculously complex explanation, go here and skip to the para-
graph beginning with We will use Alzheimers).
recovery will occur quickly and wounds will heal like youve got a hirsute, irascible, pock-
et-sized Uncle Logan (Nishira).
ketosis turns your body becomes a furnace that would be the envy of every man named
Goering in 1940s Germany, as you burn fat simply by breathing and pissing (Perez-Guisado).
for those of you amusingly concerned with the effects of dietary salt in your diet (and
there appear to a be lot of you people living in 1982 in that way), high protein diets seem to
counteract the negative effects of high sodium intakes and lowers blood pressure (Debry). As
ketogenic diets are almost necessarily high protein, youre safe from an exploding heart on the keto-
genic diet as well.
Sounds pretty fucking awesome, doesnt it? Quite frankly, it is- Ive been on a cyclical ketogenic
diet for going on three years and have gotten continually stronger and leaner. Im not the only one
who thinks this diet is the tits, either- one paper from the University of Cordoba (Spain) stated that
pressure and decrease resistance to insulin with an improvement in blood levels of glucose and
ketosis is not associated with metabolic acidosis, nor do such diets alter kidney, liver or heart func-
tions(Perez-Guisado).
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Keto doesnt appear to be hurting my gainz- weighing in at 195, carb depleted.
Thats all well and good for the average saddie, you might be thinking, but its got fuck-all to do
with athletes and strength athletes in particular. Theres a reason for that- there have been almost
no studies on the effects of ketogenic dieting on resistance training. I was able to hunt down a sin-
gle study on the subject, but its not particularly relevant to the issue at hand, as it studied the effect
of resistance training on obese, middle-aged women on the ketogenic diet. Were about as dissim-
ilar to that sample group as toasters are from Transformers, so theres no point even delving into
that one. Nevertheless, anecdotal evidence shows that ketogenic diets, in their myriad forms, have
worked pretty fucking well over the last few decllenium for hominids.
As I believe Ive not ever done so, it seems useful to outline for you guys exactly what ketogenic
dieting is, and what forms it can take. A ketogenic diet is a diet in which a person consumes so
few carbohydrates that their body beings breaking fat down into fatty acids and ketones for use as
SKD (Standard Ketogenic Diet) This is the diet of which most people traditionally think
when they hear the words keto diet. Developed in the West by an undertaker named Banting in
the 19th Century, it was resurrected as the Atkins diet in the US in the 20th Century. Amusingly,
the peoples of the Arctic Circle have been eating this way forever and havent known they were di-
eting at all. In any event, on a traditional ketogenic diet you simply keep your carbs at a certain low
CKD (Cyclical Ketogenic Diet) Cyclical keto diets are my personal favorite, and thats
what my Apex Predator Diet is. On a cyclical keto diet you rotate between ultra low carb and high
carb days and in a less common fasion, rotate between low and high carb periods every day.
TKD (Targeted Ketogenic Diet) Targeted keto diets are diets in which one eats ex-
these types of diets in my Apex Predator Diet For Italians And Athletes entry and noted that there
is a difference of opinion by noted authors on when best to consume the carbs, but theyre general-
ly consumed either immediately before or after a workout.
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Clearly, Im the biggest fan of the CKD, as thats what Ive been on for years. I monkeyed with the
TKD a bit in the past, but I never liked the idea of eating high fat and then spiking my insulin, so
I never ate high enough fat to really have called it a particularly ketogenic diet. It was more of a
the traditional cyclical ketogenic diet for myself (i.e. the Apex Predator Diet), but thought it might
be prudent to share with you a few of the tricks, hacks, and cheats Ive developed along the way to
make the diet work even better. Thus, without any further adieu:
Protein is your primary concern at every meal. Ive seen nonstop gibbering out of
people whose opinions would best be left alone in their empty heads about the value of coconut
oil online, and its ridiculous. One douche actually asserted that his diet of naught but eggs and
coconut oil was one to follow, which I found as fascinating as I found it absurd. You are not eating
unless youre getting upwards of 40 grams of protein. Less than that isnt a meal and can barely be
construed as a snack. Cheat meals should start with protein and be followed by shakes- I always
kick mine off with some kind of meat, be it hamburgers, wings, nuggets, or a meat-lovers pizza.
The more protein you consume, the greater the thermic effect of your meal and the better you will
look and feel overall.
Get at least two grams of protein per pound of bodyweight per day. Chicks can get
by with a gram to a gram and a half- apparently more than that fucks with their hormone levels.
The mysteries of the vagina aside, no man is truly eating for strength if hes consuming less than
two grams of protein per pound of bodyweight per day.
Take a break every once in a while. Thats not to say you should adopt the asinine prac-
tice utilized by people who follow a periodization routine wherein they take one week per month
off from lifting. Every now and again, though, its good for your mind and body to stop giving a
shit so much about your diet. I realize that sounds fairly ridiculous for a guy whos essentially been
on a diet for three straight years, but I do actually take a couple days to a week off from my diet
after meets, and take a week or so off from my diet over the holidays as well. I dont go nuts eating
garbage, but I dont eat super-strict or super clean. Instead, I keep my protein levels very high and
-
ly sugary foods. Thus, when I am REALLY off my diet, the worst thing on which Im generally
snacking is Cinnamon Life, unless its Thanksgiving Day or Christmas, when Ill eat desserts. Eat-
ing sugary shit will make you fat. Its science.
Modify your total food intake to match your activity level. This does not mean you
should count calories, which is pointless even off a keto diet by truly worthless on one. Instead,
you should be eating more if youre training harder, longer, or heavier, and less if youre training
lighter.
Do not skip your carbups. Skipping your carbups might have a small effect on fat loss
to function, and depriving them of that glycogen will force you to train lighter, which defeats the
and no one gives a fuck if youre strong and youre fat. The goal is to be strong as fuck and ripped
to the bone, so you need to do your refeeds if youre keeping your carbs under 30 grams a day 5-6
Page 39
days a week.
Experiment. Once you get your bodyfat to a manageable level, feel free to experiment.
Ive tried supplementing with BCAAs post workout, and I think that post-workout BCAAs with
additional leucine are a tremendously good idea, since leucine uptake and utilization is higher when
in ketosis. Try utilizing insulin modulating supplements like cinnamon and chromium to see if they
accelerate fat loss. ProSupps has a new product out called iLoad that looks to be good in that re-
gard. Mix up days wherein you have multiple food meals and days wherein you only eat solid food
once or twice if youre doing the Apex Predator Diet.
CKDs work and work well for powerlifting, no matter what the message board know-nothings
might assert to the contrary- Im living proof, and science has my motherfuckin back.
Eat like a beast if you want to lift like one.
MY SECRET DIET FOOD: Youll Never Guess It, And It Fucking Rules.
I have tried many, many diets over the years. In college, as a wrestler, I stuck with an ultra-low fat,
fairly high carb diet for nearly two years, eating almost nothing but turkey lunch meat, lettuce, and
bagels (obviously, I was eating a lot of bagel sandwiches). After waking one night starving to death
and craving sausage biscuits like a lunatic, I made a drastic switch to the Atkins diet. Due to the fact
that I didnt research it all that well, it didnt quite have the effect I would have liked. I did enjoy my
couple of months of eating nothing but sausage patties and hamburgers, at least until I awoke in
a massive amount of pain, constipated as all hell, feeling the cumulative effects of two months of
and in spite of 5 or 6 days a week of lifting and running, and wrestling hard 6 months out of the
year, I was not ripped. Sure, I was muscular (for a guy who wrestled 134 lbs), and fairly lean, I
was not the stack of brutally lean and vascular muscle that I am now.
From there, I moved to Tucson, where I started eating steamed chicken and broccoli for three
meals a day, doused in the manna of the gods, Sriracha sauce. This meal was accompanied by at
least a full cup of white rice, which I usually faced after drowning it in Sriracha, and then followed
it up with a couple of protein shakes a day (at the time, I made my own chocolate shakes using
weight up to around 170, and was pretty lean, but the white rice kept me from getting much leaner.
I mixed in the occasional hoagie as well, in addition to chicken soft tacos from Del Taco. Del Taco
fucking rules, FYI, although every single one of their restaurants is a fucking shithole.
After trying the Chipotle diet for a few years (grilled chicken and white rice from the restaurant
Chipotle, 3-5 times a day), which put a few more pounds of muscle on me, and the chicken soup
diet (which Ill outline in another post, mostly for the ladies), I discovered Metabolic Typing, found
Page 40
that Im a meat type, and started doing occasional keto runs (a period of time in which you keep
your daily carbs below 5% of your daily intake) in conjunction with carb cycling. The carb cycling,
another thing Ill outline in a later post, basically boils down to a couple a days of keto dieting, a
couple of days of medium carbs, and a couple of days of high carbing it (typically on the days I
have a cheat window).
So, for the secret: drum roll please...

CHICKEN WINGS. This is not a joke. I can attribute the veins on my abs DIRECTLY to my
massive consumption of unbreaded chicken wings. Allow me to tell you why.
Wings have the perfect macronutrient ratio for low carbing it. 60% of the calories in wings come
from fat, and almost all of the remainder come from protein. Thus, when you combine a couple
(or few) pounds of wings a day with a couple of protein shakes, you end up with a macronutrient
breakdown thats split almost exactly down the middle between protein and fat.
Thus, wings pretty much the ideal macronutrient ratio for low-carbing. Most diet gurus suggest a
ratio along the lines of 55-70% fat, 5% carbs, and the remainder of your caloric intake to come
from protein, and thats the breakdown with which youll end up if you allow wings to become the
(awesome) cornerstone to your diet.
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I feel Im moving toward as well as away from something, and any-
METABOLIC TYPING
Metabolic Typing Gets in the Mix, Finally
This image lays out my dietary methodology in simple chapter and verse. The basis of the whole
philosophy is paleolithic nutrition. Paleolithic people, however, had widely varied diets, depending
Thats where the rest of the CnP nutritional considerations come in.
Roger Williams, the father of the modern concept of Biochemical Individuality, claimed that ev-
ery individual organism that has a distinctive genetic background has a distinctive nutritional need
which must be met for optimal well-being (Williams, 190). The American Medical Association,
supplement companies, and your doctors will have you believe differently- were all exactly the
same organic machines propelled through life utilizing the exact same nutritional regimen, and
requiring precisely the same fuel for our biological power plants. Until recently, most in the sci-
believing instead that a Centrum was nutritional overkill, and that every single person on Earth
Page 42
needed a precise 60-30-10 ratio of carbohydrates, protein, and fat to achieve optimal health. If
philosopher Lucretius, who was a student of Epicurus (the founder of the eponymous school of
philosophy based on the belief that pleasure is the chief good in life), stated 2300 years ago that
there was a single diet that would serve every athlete best, then, the Romans proved once more that
they were far more reasonable, rational, and introspective men than scientists of a modern age,
most of whom seem content to ape their colleagues and follow the status quo. Their funding, after
all, comes from a government whose commitment to dietary suicide and concomitant economic
growth, and anything that contradicts the governments stated plan for economic growth is essen-
tially an effort to bite the hand that feeds. Thus, practitioners of modern medicine have actually
regressed in their understanding of human nutrition, much like the astronomers adoption of geo-
centrism and abandonment of heliocentrism in the Dark Ages.
Super fucking sweet, right? When it comes to the issue of nutrition, most people in the medical
science and nutrition communities are like mongoloids with horse blinders on- about as useful for
advice in the extreme strength athletics community as the fat bitch from the movie Precious.
Their argument, at its core, would seem to be at least partly right- deep down, were fundamentally
the same biological organism and all share similar nervous, endocrine, and hormone delivery sys-
were all remarkably different thereafter. What similarities do you share with Gabriele Sidibe? I
hope not many... that bitch is barely even a human being. If you have trouble taking a lap around
a McDonalds without sitting down for a break, youre in need of a hot lead diet, because theres
nothing as slimming as rotting in a gigantic, unmarked grave.
Getting back to the point at hand, though, paleolithic nutrition is still the basis of any sane dietary
prescription due to the fact that the human genome has changed less that .02% in the last 40,000
years.(PD 9) In the grand scheme of things, that seems unimportant, as homo sapiens have been
around for around a million years. They, however, didnt diverge from Neanderthals, who were al-
most exclusively carnivorous, until around 250,000-500,000 years ago, however. That means that as
recently as 250,000 years ago, European humans were as carnivorous as tigers. Cro-magnons, who
sort of bridged the physical gap between Neanderthals and homo sapiens sapiens didnt even arise
until 36,000 years ago, so the fact that weve only had a deviation of .02% of our genetic code since
humans, then, it would stand to reason we share many of the same dietary requirements as our
pre-modern ancestors.
Theres more to our dietary requirements, however, than simply genetics. Far from a static con-
struct, change within our genetic code can occur within a generation due to ontogenic biological
alterations. Blending inheritable traits between populations constantly introduces new variants to
a gene pool (Slatkin, 2), as do utero conditions (temp, water, O2 supply), which leads to a wholly
Page 43
different biological makeup and subsequent nutritional requirements than preceding generations.
If Ive lost you, let me sum up- a combination of heredity and environment that create vast biolog-
-
requirements.
METABOLIC TYPING PART 1.5: If You Need a Little More Convincing

In spite of the fact that my argument for metabolic typing is to this point pretty much iron-clad,
Im certain there remain many skeptics in regards to the idea that people of different racial/ethnic
phenotypes are biologically varied enough to justify markedly different diets. Thats fairly under-
standable given the fact that the most popular of these types of diets are wholly discredited and
only championed by housewives with less understanding of the human body than tapeworms likely
have (the Blood Type Diet of the early 2000s springs immediately to mind). For those of you who
remain skeptical, consider this- natural selection, as an educated person knows, is a phenomenon in
nature in which the mean phenotype of a given species moves a fraction of the way towards the lo-
that a persons ethnic diet would rely solely on the area from which his ancestors came and the
which those people lived would also exert a profound effect upon that ethnicities biological make-
up as well. Thus, not only would they develop a pronounced increase in the ability to digest lean
meats if they lived in a rocky, mountainous area like the Caucasus, where goats might be a prevalent
source of calories, but the people living there and hunting those goats would develop greater lung
capacity and ability to metabolize oxygen, due to the altitude in which they lived. Their physiques
would then change over time, both ontogenetically and genetically, to facilitate success in these
regions, because the most successful hunters would thrive while the least successful would exit the
gene pool.
As such, the development of traditional diets and activity levels, sports, breeding patterns, and
either social / genetic isolation or interbreeding, that certain ethnicities developed a genetic pre-
disposition to certain types of exercise- the Kalenjin of Kenya became the worlds most dominant
runners due to a long and storied tradition of running great distances at high altitudes, while the
Norse and Germans (described throughout ancient texts about the Germanic tribes as immense
and strong) developed world-famous size and strength (Eades, 171-172, 181). As you can imag-
ine, these traditional diets and lifestyles would continually reinforce themselves, creating a distinct
biological phenotype for that ethnicity. Its not just the placement of their organs or the levels of
-
bodyweight, would also emerge, which would then create in that phenotype a distinct biological
nutritive need.
Page 44
In regards to the latter argument, the human body is comprised of two major types of muscle
-
tract, have an abundance of mitochondria and are surrounded by capillaries to bring in nutrients
-
viously, would be the type associate with strength, contracting and relaxing faster, having higher
glycolytic activity (that means greater use of muscle glycogen, and greater stores thereof, for the
slow ones), greater phosphagen stores, and fewer capillaries (Ivy, 151). No matter what the initial
ability to perform according to the way theyre trained. Training aerobically, like the Kalenjin, in-
-
crazy-ass log running Xavante Indians in Brazil good at running long distances carrying 200 lb logs.
Westerners, however, suck shit at that sport, because we havent developed a genetic adaptation to
competitions of that kind or trained to develop it ontogenically.
You can see, then, how traditional physical activity would impart demands on the physiques would
place on a phenotypes respective metabolisms would be altered even further. It is this combina-
tion- dietary availability, traditional recreational activities, traditional work activities, and basic en-
vironment- that creates the basis on which metabolic types have arisen. Its because we no longer
stick to our traditional stomping grounds, due to displacement and migration owing to the general
shittiness of modern life, that have left us utterly confused as to how to eat. Well, that and ridicu-
lous subsidies by the asshole peddlers of shit we shouldnt eat, like corn, the makers of Twinkies,
and all of the other evil motherfuckers that comprise multinational corporations worldwide.
METABOLIC TYPING, PARTE DVAH: A Brief History of Metabolic Typing

Metabolic typing systems have existed about as long as an organized practice of medicine has.
Given the fact that prehistoric peoples practiced such detailed and systematic medical treatments as
trepanation (theres evidence that prehistoric peoples bored holes in peoples heads to treat any-
thing from mental illness to head trauma in cave paintings and the fossil record) and acupuncture
(Otzi the Iceman was covered in tattoos, many of which corresponded with traditional acupuncture
points for treating the arthritis with which he appeared to have), it stands to reason that systems
choices were also extant.
According to the historical record, metabolic typing began with the Indians and Chinese, who are
essentially the only two peoples worldwide whose traditional medicines have remained unfucked
by modern medicine. Frankly, I dont put much stock in either system, but this is where the whole
shitterree starts, so this is where we shall begin.
On Guard, Ill Let You Try My Wu-Tang Style

Page 45
type. There appears to be no real consensus on the types, but as nearly as I can tell, here are the
basics (Constitution, Diets):
1. Hot (Yang abundance) Picture the quintessential Scot, Irishman, or Scandinavian and youve
got a good idea of what a hot type is like. Theyve got sturdy bodies, often feel hot, experience dry-
ness of the mouth, prefer cold drinks when thirsty, have a reddish complexion, are easily annoyed,
and tend to suffer from insomnia. Though Id contend that this would be entirely contingent upon
their level of hydration, practitioners of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) claim that they usu-
ally discharge scanty urine of a dark color and have hard stools. If you were so inclined to inspect
-
ing, or may have no coating at all. As youd expect, these guys are very sensitive to high tempera-
tures.
2. Cold (Yin abundance) Individuals have a frail body. They usually feel cold, have an aversion
to wind, and their limbs are cold. I would assume, then, that 95% of all women would then fall into
this category. They prefer hot or warm food and drinks, are reluctant to speak, get easily tired and
have a pale or whitish complexion. They usually discharge clear urine frequently, stools are soft, and
tend to suffer from diarrhea easily. Upon examination of the tongue, it appears pink and bulky with
a whitish coating. Such individuals are very sensitive to cold temperatures.
3. Dry (Qi abundance?) According to TCM, individuals belonging to this constitution feel
thirsty easily and experience dryness in the eyes, throat, lips and skin. As such, theyre usually char-
time shitting, all of which is apparently due to lack of lubrication. Any guyss worst date, in short-
the blowjobs are going to suck, and sex would probably feel like masturbating with extra coarse
sandpaper on top of an Ethiopian corpse in late-stage rigor mortis. Finally, they are very sensitive
to low levels of humidity, as corpses are wont to be. In short, fellas, if some Chinese woman tells
you your broad is a dry type, it might be time to move on to the next one unless youre sponsored
by a lube company and your oral skills are tighter than a born-again Christian chicks asshole at the
AVN awards.
4. Damp -
dler or Chester the Molester type, these people prefer sweet food, likely due to its utility into
luring small children into vans with blacked-out windows. They experience heaviness in the body,
dizziness, and tire easily, look fatigued and sleepy in day time, and snore easily during sleep. Un-
surprisingly, these sweaty-palmed saddies have a low metabolic rate, tend to become overweight or
bloated due to retention of water, and lack energy unless in the presence of an elementary school
playground. Discontented with the level of horror theyve already displayed, these fatties also
boast moist and bulky tongues covered with a greasy coating. According to the Chinese, these guys
are very sensitive to damp weather, but Id posit theyd brave it to watch a grade-school kickball
game or attend a NAMBLA meeting.
5. Neutral -
ciency thereof, but Ive neither the time nor the interest in determining how it works exactly. Skip-
ping that, then, well move on to what happens once an individuals type is determined. Accord-
ing to Dr. Henry Lu, The individuals balanced diet, therefore, is always a mixture of foods with
Page 46
better, and therefore lend themselves better to assimilation. Flavors can be pungent, sweet, sour,
bitter, and salty. Inherent energies are cold, hot, warm, cool, and neutral, and are food qualities
quite apart from the temperature of the food. Food movement includes outward, inward, upward,
downward, glossy, and obstructive. For a person vomiting, a food with a downward movement
might be recommended. A patient with a runny nose might solve that problem with an obstructive
food. Pain with an inguinal hernia might be relieved with an upward food (Diets)
Slurpees, Not Casinos

The Indian Metabolic types are somewhat simpler to discern. Ayurvedic medicine divides people
into three distinct types (doshas), and each individual is comprised of varying degrees of the three
types. Ideally, youd like to have 33% of each to have a balanced internal system, but most people
have a dominant type, for which they must compensate with diet in order to achieve optimal health.
-
ate seven subsets of the 3 doshas. They are (Constitution, Diets, Dosha, Wharton):
Vata (Ether/Space and Air) People with more Vata in their constitutions tend to be thin,
with a slender frame and prominent joints, delicate skin that is naturally dry, and dry voluminous
hair. They are quick and lively in thought, speech and action, and make friends easily. There is an el-
ement of airiness to their step, a quality of lightness in their laughter. Change is usually their second
name. They are light sleepers and gravitate towards warm environments. Creativity and enthusiasm
are hallmarks of balanced Vata.
Pitta (Fire and Water) People with more Pitta in their constitutions tend to be of medium
proportions, with a frame that is neither petite nor heavy, warm skin that is very fair or ruddy and
and determined in thought, speech and action. There is an element of purpose to their step, an
intensity to their voice. Ambition is usually their second name. They are moderate sleepers and
of balanced Pitta.
Kapha (Water and Earth) People with more Kapha in their constitutions tend to be of
larger proportions, with a robust frame and padded joints, thick smooth skin that may tend to-
wards oiliness, and rich, wavy hair. They are stable and calm in thought, speech and action, and are
easy-going and supportive in relationships. There is an element of steadiness to their step, a quality
of serenity in their smile. Loyalty is usually their second name. They are long, heavy sleepers and
uncomfortable in damp, clammy environments. Calm and sweetness of disposition are hallmarks
of balanced Kapha.
Vata - Pitta (combination of Vata and Pitta doshas)
Vata - Kapha (combination of Vata and Kapha doshas)
Pitta - Kapha (combination of Pitta and Kapha doshas)
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Vata - Pitta - Kapha (combination of all 3 doshas in balance)
Just as it is in TCM, food in Ayurveda is divided into 6 tastes (neutral, sour, salty, pungent, bitter,
astringent), which are thought to have varying effects on individuals types. There is a diet for each
of the 3 basic types, while the combined metabolic types will use parts of several different diets.
Avurvedic medicine takes it a step further than Chinese medicine, though, in that it dictates the
manner in which one should eat, sleep, drink, exercise, and live based on your unique combination
of the three doshas. A bit much, in my opinion, and Im not really in the habit taking medical ad-
vice from a group of people who wash, shit, and bury their dead in the same river from which they
draw their drinking water. In the event that you are, though, take any of the Ayurvedic Typing tests
(Vata: 3 Pitta: 5 Kapha: 2)- had I gotten Kapha out of the fucking thing, Id tell you to avoid the
whole thing altogether, but check it out if youve got some time to kill. For more information on
that shit, you can check out the Ayurbalance site I posted in the bibliography. And for the love of
8 lb, 6 oz., tiny baby Jesus, dont give Matt Furey a fucking cent- if you want info on Indian training
techniques, club bells, or diet, go here ( ) for free
e-texts, which I guarantee you is the source of that fuckers training secrets.
Gyros and Baklava

The Greeks also formulated a metabolic typing system they used in the treatment of mental and
physical disease based on what they called the four humors. This system was established around
500 BC with a great deal of input from Hippocrates and persisted until well into the Middle Ages.
The crux of the system revolves around on four liquids common in the body, all of which are the
source of all of the major health problems found in your average human. Though it seems simplis-
tic in retrospect, it bears mentioning that the Greeks regularly discarded babies with visible health
defects, a practice which eliminated most of the extreme health problems a person might develop
later in life. In any event, Hippocratess theories became known as humorism or humoralism
and basically stated that everyone has all four humors, though the imbalance of one relative to the
others (which he called dyscrasia) is the root of sickness. Each of these humors was believed to
be associated with one of the four elements which, when combined in various proportions, make
up all things:
Blood- This humor was interestingly not associated with the heart, but rather with the liver
and with air, which like blood is a hot and moist element. A person in whom blood predominates
was then expected to be staid and optimistic, or sanguine, from the Latin sanguis (blood).
Natural follower, blood types were thought to be composed, chill bros who adjust easily to change,
prefer informality, and are generally feckless hippies. Naturally, the Greeks were not overawed with
the value of your average stoner to society, and thus generally held these Harold and Kumar-esque
motherfuckers in disdain.
Yellow Bile
this humor was associated with neither mouths nor penises. Instead, yellow bile was associated
Page 48
zero fucks about consequences, have a hair trigger, and bear all of the markers of that one friend
with who you love to hang out but whos almost always getting you into altercations that end with a
collect call to your girlfriend to post bail. Described by the Greeks as choleric, theyre impulsive,
touchy, hypocritical, prideful, angry sonsofbitches.
Black Bile- Known in every Warhammer book as the most ubiquitous word ever used,
ichor is associated with the gall bladder and with Earth, which is the cold and dry element. Your
typical goth or whiney emo bitch, these saddies are said to be melancholic, from the Greek
melas (black) and khole (bile). Comprised of every horrifyingly unpleasant characteristic you
could possibly wedge into a human being, these Nick Cave-loving sad sacks are sensitive, intuitive,
self-conscious, touchy, fussy, introspective, moody loners who are generally depressed fatties who
write poetry to chicks they have no hope of ever banging.
Phlegm- As you might have already guessed, this is where we get the word phlegmatic,
from the Greek phlegmatikos (abounding in phlegm). Phlegm is equally unsurprisingly associat-
ed with the lungs and brain and with water, which is the cold and moist element. Phlegmatics are
generally peaceniks in the biblical manner- theyre quiet and keep to themselves and generally have
little impact on the world at large, for better or worse.
According to a weirdly Catholic website that provided the most in-depth examination of this
pre-Christian medical system, Humorism greatly affected medieval cuisine as cooks endeavored to
-
es or prepared with wine, which was also considered hot and dry; game was considered to be dry,
so was prepared in moist fats; vinegar was considered cold and dry, so was tempered with honey,
which was considered hot and moist, etc. The goal in cooking for the ill, however, wasnt a bal-
anced diet, but a diet that would counteract the effects of the humor causing the illness. Worth
-
cation as hot or cold, dry or moist; it is its inherent quality and its effects on the body. The degrees
of hotness/coldness and dryness/moistness were often rated on a scale of 1 to 4, with 4 being the
highest. Humorist theory also affected cooking techniques: dry foods were boiled instead of roast-
ed, moist foods were baked instead of boiled, and so on (Temperments).
As you can see, all of these traditional systems share a decent amount in common, which means
one of two things- either they all independently arrived at similar conclusions, making them at least
somewhat valid systems of thought, or that they all arose out of an earlier universal system that co-
existed with the pre-Chinese acupuncture techniques of the Neolithic era. Either way, the fact that
all three systems persisted for thousands of years lends a bit of credence for them, and provides a
fairly solid basis upon which modern methods of metabolic typing were formulated.
MODERN METABOLIC TYPING:
No trip to the grocery store would really be complete without the visual assault of few ambiguously
brown, giant-assed trannies lauded as women by gossip rags bearing the name Kardashian. Not
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only have those idiots done more to set back Western anti-woman-beating sentiment than would
a looped clip of Rosie Perez saying anything at all played at high volumes in every city center 24
hours a day for years on end, but theyve somehow managed to trick the females of the Western
world into thinking they should give two fucks about those vapid, gold-digging shitbirds. Mind
you, I dont care that those gigantic trannies continue to try to pass as women- Ive nothing against
trannies. Weve all gotten drunk enough to make one or two mistakes in that regard in our lives,
and after 30 agonizing minutes wondering what in the fuck this means in the grand scheme of
your life, you realize that making out with a dude dressed as a particularly hot woman is likely far
less embarrassing than the time you banged a fat girl on a charter bus in front of your entire grad
school class. I, however would not have been fooled by a seven foot tall t-girl built like a profes-
sional bouncer and bearing a chin and jawline that make Jay Leno look like Prince Edward, and
have no idea why American women are.
-
er to do with metabolic typing, but if you think about it, it makes a certain kind of sick sense. The
Kardashians are perhaps the best example of something so wholly devoid of utility that its exis-
persist for no reason any rational person could possibly discern. The metabolic typing diet, howev-
er, is not one of those fad diets. Instead, the metabolic typing diet carries forth a very long-stand-
ing system of beliefs held the world around about how one should optimize their diet to maximize
few different typing diets, none of which are necessary to detail but about which you can read in
Charles Heizer Wharton, PhDs book Metabolic Man should you so choose. As should surprise
none of you, none of the many metabolic typing authors seem to agree on much of anything, oth-
er than the fact that there are differing metabolic types and that each person is uniquely placed on
a bell curve between the types- while one glandular type is invariably dominant, its exceedingly rare
-
tion of a metabolic type harder, rather than easier.
If it seems at this point that Im heading in the direction of fuck this shit, its because I am.
Whenever anyone has to make a litany of qualifying statements for any given theory that takes up
the majority of the book, its because their theory is shit to begin with. I think, however, that the
idea has merit in spite of the innumerable caveats offered up by the authors, all of whom seem
Page 50
-
ter for all of us if we just shot that fucker, burned their house to the ground, and sowed their land
with salt to ensure that nothing so useless will grow to take the place of the worthless cocksucker
behavior was stamped out in the middle of the last century when people became distracted with
Meandering back to the subject at hand, dont allow yourself to be distracted by the caveats and
homages to possibly non-existent diseases and health problems. Instead, lets focus on the positive,
for once. We have all witnessed or experienced a scenario that should prove, beyond a shadow of
a doubt, that the idea of metabolic typing has a least a modicum of merit. Perhaps youve seen the
random person who actually got fatter on a ketogenic diet, or you saw someone get incredibly lean
on a high carb diet while they did the same workout program as you, while you slowly got fatter.
Maybe the obverse is true, and youre the genetic anomaly who manages to get ripped to shreds and
jacked to fuck eating lots of carbs and a moderate amount of protein, which your friends wither
away to skinny-fatness and curse the day you were born following the exact same diet. Weve all
seen these phenomena, and theyre as infuriating and perplexing as Justin Biebers continued popu-
larity. How to explain this? It could only be the fact that people can have vastly different metabo-
lisms, and that different diets will suit different people.
The problem remains, however, of selecting that perfect diet. Though I am unconvinced that the
-
vide a starting point for those people who want immediate and simple answers to what is invariably
a complex problem. Were the answer as simple as the question, thered likely not be an endless
stream of mealy-mouthed, whiney, sad sack, unimaginative, demanding, intolerable bitches whin-
ing endlessly on the internet about their lack of progress or their inability to get started on a diet.
Given the alternative, completing a short survey in the hopes it will shed some light on the answer
to your question seems reasonable, though for those parties who truly enjoy bitching, Im sure this
is just one more intolerable inconvenience about which theyll feel free to vent their insipid frus-
trations all over the internet. Provided youre an individual with a modicum of dignity and self-re-
spect, however, you might try taking the following quiz.
1. In the morning you:

a) dont eat breakfast
b) have something light like fruit, toast, or cereal
c) have something heavy like eggs, bacon, or hash browns
2. At a buffet, the foods you choose are:
b) a mixture of A and C
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c) heavier foods like steak, ribs, pork chops, cheeses, and cream sauces
3. Your appetite at lunch is:

a) low
b) normal
c) strong
4. Your appetite at dinner is:

a) low
b) normal
c) strong
5. Caffeine makes you feel:

a) great- it helps me focus
b) take it or leave it
c) makes me jittery or nauseated
6. The types of foods you crave are (sugar is not included because everyone craves sugar
when they are tired or run down):
a) fruits, bread, crackers
b) both A and C
c) salty foods, cheeses and meats
7. At dinner you prefer to eat:
b) no preferences-choice varies daily

c) pastas, steak, potatoes
8. After dinner you:

a) need to have something sweet
b) could take dessert or leave it
c) dont care for sweets and would rather have something salty like popcorn
9. The types of sweets you like are:

a) sugary candies like skittles or hot tamales
b) no preference
c) ice cream or cheesecake
10. Eating fatty foods like meat or cheese before bed:

a) prevents me from sleeping
b) doesnt bother me
c) improves my sleep
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11. Eating carbs like breads and crackers before bed:

a) disturbs my sleep, I sleep better on lighter foods
b) doestny affect me
c) is better than nothing but I sleep better on heavier foods
12. Eating sweets before bed:

a) doesnt keep me from sleeping at all
b) sometimes makes me feel restless in bed
c) keeps me up all night
13. How often do you eat each day?

a) 2 or 3 meals with no snacks
b) 3 meals with maybe one light snack
c) 3 meals with constant snacking
14. Your attitude towards food is:

a) I often forget to eat
b) I enjoy food and rarely miss a meal
c) I love food- its a central part of my life
15. When you skip meals, you feel:
b) I dont function at my best, but it doesnt bother me

c) I feel shaky, irritable, weak, and tired
16. How much do you like fatty foods?

a) not at all
b) moderately
c) I crave them regularly
17. If you eat fruit for breakfast or lunch, you feel:
b) okay, but I usually need a snack between meals
18. What kind of foods drain your energy?

a) fatty foods make me feel lethargic
b) no food affects me this way
c) fruit, candy, or confections give me a quick boost and then a sugar crash
19. Your food portions are:
Page 53
a) small- less than average

b) average- not more or less than other people
c) I eat large portions of food, usually more than most people.
20. How do you feel about potatoes?

a) dont care for them
b) take them or leave them
c) love them
21. Red meat makes you feel:

a) tired
b) no particular feeling one way or the other
c) strong
22. A salad for lunch makes you:

a) feel energized and healthy
c) sleepy
23. How do you feel about salt?

a) foods often taste too salty for me
b) dont notice one way or the other
c) I crave salt and put it on my food regularly
24. Your snack of choice is:

a) I dont really snack, but if I do its something sweet
b) I can snack on anything
c) I need snacks but prefer meats, cheeses, eggs, or nuts
25. How do you feel about sour foods like pickles, lemon juice, or vinegar?
a) strongly dislike them
b) they dont bother me, but I dont particularly like them
c) I like sour foods
26. When you eat sweets, you feel:

a) sweets alone can satisfy my appetite
b) they dont bother me, but dont satisfy me
27. When you just eat meat (bacon, sausage, ham, salmon) for breakfast, you feel:
a) sleepy, lethargic, irritable
b) it varies day to day
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28. Of the three followng choices for dinner, youd prefer:
b) a mixture of A and C
c) lamb chops, cooked carrots, and baked potatoes
29. When you eat heavy, fatty foods, you feel:

a) irritable
b) doesnt affect me
c) often alleviates my anger or irritability
30. When you feel anxious:

a) fruits and vegetables calm me down
b) eating anyting calms me
c) fatty food calm me down
31. You concentrate best when you eat:

a) fruits and grains
b) nothing in particular affects my concentration
c) meast and fatty foods
32. You feel more depressed when you eat:

a) fatty or heavy foods
b) food doesnt affect me in this way
c) fruits, breads, sweets
33. You notice you gain weight when you:

a) eat fatty foods
b) no particular food makes me gain, I gain when I overeat
c) eat fruits and carbs
34. What type of insomnia, if any, applies to you?

a) I rarely get insomnia from hunger
b) I rarely get insomnia, but if I do, I often need to eat something in order to go back to sleep
c) I often need to wake up during the night to eat but if I eat something right before bed, it allevi-
ates the insomnia.
35. Your personality type is:

a) aloof, withdrawn, introverted
b) neither introverted nor extroverted
c) I am an extrovert
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36. Your mental and physical stamina are better when you eat:
b) any wholesome food

c) fatty foods
37. Your climate preference is:

a) warm or hot weather
b) doesnt matter to me
c) cold climates
38. You have problems with coughing or chest pressure (if no, skip)
c) yes
39. You have a tendency to get cracked skin or dandruff (if no, skip)
c) yes
40. You have a tendency to get dizzy or lightheaded (if no, skip)
c) yes
41. Your eyes tend to be:

a) dry
b) dont notice one way or the other
c) my eyes tear often
42. Your complexion is:

a) noticeably pale
b) average color
a) thick
b) average
c) thin
a) very hard to make me gag

b) normal
c) I gag easily
45. You get goose bumps:

a) often
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b) occasionally
c) very rarely
46. Your body is more prone to:

a) constipation
b) no stomach problems
c) diarrhea
47. When insects bite you, your reaction is:

a) mild
b) average
c) severe
48. Your body type is:

a) short and stocky
b) average
c) tall and thin
49. Your nose is:

a) dry
b) normal
c) runny
Once youve answered all of the above questions, add up your total for a, b, and c answers. If you
because youre a fucking retard.
Carb Type / Slow Oxidizer. This means that you get to follow the prototypical bodybuilder diet on
your path to Valhalla, and youll eat a diet comprising of 60-70% carbohydrates, 20-25% protein,
Type / Balanced Oxidizer. You will thus be a full on Zone diet champion, eating a roughly bal-
anced mix of fats, carbs, and protein, though youll still shoot for 30% or less of your calories to
come from fat. Metabolic typing guru, professional Pavel lookalike, and strength coach Paul Chek,
being a wild-eyed fatophobe, would assert you need to restrict your fats to 10% and split your calo-
ries evenly between carbs and proteins, but other, more reasonable authors will assert that you can
-
lite.
unclear exactly how to even go about structuring your ideal diet. Humanity would not have ad-
Page 57
hered to metabolic typing diets for this long, and theyd hardly have been as ubiquitous as they are
were there nothing whatsoever to them. As such, it might behoove you to at least do a bit of inves-
tigation into your metabolic type, if for no other reason than to divert your attention from Reddit
and Facebook for a few minutes with a topic thats at least marginally intellectual.
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MISCELLANEOUS DIETS AND DIETING GOODNESS
nearly unmitigated suck, decided to give the world something useful. That thing, as it happens, is a
book about nutrition- The Dukan Diet.
I realize that the above statement makes about as much sense as an announcement to the effect
that a New Guinea tribesman has just made a breakthrough in quantum physics, but I am actually
quite serious. The French will surprise us from time to time, as they have over the course of the
last 100 years produced Charles Rigolout, Rise of the Northstars song Protect Ya Chest, and the
Dukan Diet. In much the same way as the other two French products were excellent, the Dukan
As a bit of background, the Pierre Dukan, progenitor of the Dukan Diet, is considered to be
Frances answer to Dr. Atkins. Like Atkins, hes regarded as a saint by some (notable celebrities like
the broad who married into British royalty, the ridiculously nicknamed J-Lo, and Gisele swear by
the diet) and a devil by others (including another popular dieting author who essentially said that
Dukans poisoning the minds and bodies of the French).(Nazar, Pichi) Additionally, Dukan is a
legitimate doctor, and he seems to have developed his diet after years of receiving diet questions
from his patients and combining what he found through research with what he saw working in real
life.
Though someone to whom I recently described the diet responded with something akin to horror
at the perceived complexity of the diet, I think its unbelievably simple. The diet is broken down
into four separate parts, all with very simple-to-follow rules:
1. Attack Phase- this is a pure protein diet utilized to kickstart fat loss
2. Cruise Phase- pure protein days alternated with quasi-paleo days on which you can add
select vegetables
3. Consolidation Phase- intended to prevent rebound, this phase is a bit looser than the
cruise phase
4. Permanent Stabilization Phase- basically, eat whatever the fuck you want, with one pro-
tein day
5.
In my opinion, it hardly gets simpler than this. Additionally, this appears to be the ultimate [ef-
fective] female diet, as it eventually allows the women to eat their much sought-after carbs after
training them and their brains how they should focus their dieting efforts. Thats one of the most
genius parts of the Dukan Diet, as it has built in game mechanics that essentially allow users to
Page 59
level-up and get access to tastier foods. Additionally, this diet is far less draconian than anything
I follow on a regular basis, requires little to no calculations, and keeps its food rules fairly simple.
some interesting highlights:

On determining ones ideal weight: its better to ask yourself what weight is realistic and at
which youd feel good than to fantasize about looking like a celebrity. Abstractions in shit like this
generally lead to failure.
Your bodys biological memory of your most common bodyweight can never be erased.
As such, you should focus on losing weight gradually, rather than in big jumps- big jumps will waste
the willpower youll need to stabilize your weight at a reasonable level, rather than momentarily
hitting a new high or low.
The DD includes a true weight calculator, which is pretty interesting, and Dukan notes that
a mans stable bodyweight increases 2.6 lbs per decade, and a womans increases 1.8 lbs.
On a diet, you should refrain from using too much salt- this will reduce water retention
and help keep your appetite at bay. Salt intake increases salivation and gastric acidity, which trigger
feelings of hunger. Also, Dukan mentions that an increase in water with a concomitant decrease in
salt will reduce the appearance of cellulite.
Fats are public enemy #1, and simple carbohydrates are #2. I, of course, disagree with this
sentiment for strength athletes (see last blog for more info).
ATTACK.
The attack phase of the Dukan Diet (heretofore D.D.) lasts 2-7 days, based on personal fatness,
the average of which is 5 days. During this phase, you limit yourself to foods that are as close to
pure protein as possible- lean meats, skinless poultry, 90% lean ground beef or better, veal, pork,
game meats, seafood, eggs, nonfat dairy... essentially, anything but duck, goose, and ribs. This can
be prepared any way you like, but without butter, oil, or cream. As I mentioned, poultry has to be
skinless, though it can be cooked with the skin on to preserve the meats moisture as much as possi-
ble. If youre eating eggs, you should limit yourself to two yolks during this phase, but you can eat
unlimited portions of the rest.
Did I mention the dairy? I found that to be the most interesting part of this diet, and especially
to the fairer sex, who is forever fucking whining about the lack of cheese, milk, ice cream, cheese,
and ice cream in their diets. Also, ice cream. Anyone whos ever tried to help chicks with a diet has
suffered through this, as chicks tend to whine about ice cream a fucking lot. In any event, no sugar
added dairy is right at the top of the fucking list for Dukan, who somehow believes lactose to be
more or less harmless. As such, fat free cheese can be eaten in unlimited amounts, skim milk can
be drunk, and sugar-free yogurt can be eaten. This makes life fairly easy for most chicks, as they all
seem to love cottage cheese, and you can pretty much make this phase the cottage cheese phase if
you so choose. In retrospect, I suppose it doesnt necessarily allow ice cream, but dairy is dairy in
ice cream thing, as provided by the good people over at My Dukan Diet.
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The only hard and fast rules on this bitch is that you must consume 1.5 tablespoons of oat bran
every day (he recommends making it into a galette), drink 1.5Q of water per day, and eat as much
of the allowed foods as you want. Insofar as duration is concerned, he recommends a 3 day attack
for people looking to lose less than 20 pounds (total), a 1 day attack for people looking to lose less
than 10 lbs, and 7-10 days for Wal-Mart fatties. Finally, he recommends 20 minutes of walking a
day, but quite frankly if you think 20 minutes of walking constitutes exercise, then the series of odd
CRUISIN
The cruise phase essentially takes the attack phase and adds veggies. Like I stated earlier, this diet
is so simple, the fucking book could have been written in crayon and Simple Jack could have un-
derstood it without a problem. This phase is continued without a break until the dieter hits their
target weight, and just alternates pure protein days with protein and vegetable days, all in unlimited
amounts. The average length of the phase is three days per pound of bodyweight lost, which is
actually pretty reasonable, and retains the same oat bran and water prescription from the previous
phase.
Vegetables that are okd by Dukan for this phase: tomatoes, cucumbers, radishes, spinach, lettuce,
asparagus, leeks, green beans, cabbage, mushrooms, celery, fennel, eggplant, zuccchini, summer
squash, peppers, and provided theyre not at every meal, carrots and beets. No amount of whin-
ing, pleading, cajoling, or other tomfoolery will make potatoes or corn vegetables. Theyre not. Its
science. Accept it and move on with your lives.
CONSOLIDATE YOUR POSITION

At this point, youve conquered your body like Hitler raped France, and youve got to install your
own puppet regime. Instead of enlisting the help of the Vichy, youve got to continue the Crui-
gets fun in female parlance. At this point, you get to add two slices of bread and a portion of
fruit every day. Additionally, you can have two portions of starchy carbohydrates a week, and two
planned cheat meals.
At this point in the diet, you should have a pretty fucking good idea of what got you to where you
are, a healthy respect for that knowledge, and a desire not to blow the whole goddamned thing
because youve already broken your ass dieting for a month. This phase takes that and rolls it into a
ball with what regular (FAT *cough* FAT) people consider a normal/balanced diet. The idea
here is to train yourself to have portion control so you maintain your weight. Your bodys not tak-
-
ly, its a big bag of bullshit.
To get your body to fuck right off with that nonsense, Dukan reintroduces whole grain bread, cer-
Page 61
tain fruits, and the wondrous cheat meal. Ive already outlined the myriad reasons why cheat meals
are awesome (here and here), and Dukan agrees with my sentiments. He does, however, add limita-
tions I do not, and which might well prove useful to a lot of you who are struggling with fat loss:
eat anything you want, but you only get a single portion, and your portion size should be
moderated by reason
eat one of every one of the haute-cuisine courses to provide yourself with a full meal ex-
perience- 1 appetizer, 1 entree, 1 dessert, and 1 glass of wine.
cannot have two celebration meals in a row
As I stated, this is in many ways similar to my suggestions about cheat meals, though my
suggestions lack the effete trappings of that esteemed French gentlemans. In any event, theyre
reasonable. In addition to the above, he suggests that you have a single day of pure proteins per
week, and recommends that the following fruit hierarchy to guide your decision making there:
Apples> Strawberries and Raspberries> Melon> Grapefruit> Kiwis, peaches, nectarines,
mangoes.
You cannot have bananas, grapes, cherries, dried fruit, or nuts. Additionally, you still cannot have
starchy vegetables like corn, potatoes, or yams, unless its one of your starch meals. Speaking of
which, the plan for the starchy meals is not too dissimilar from the cheat meal plan- its governed
one serving a week, and then you bump it up to two servings once you hit the halfway point. As
for what you can stuff down your gullet at these meals, you can have an 8 oz (cooked) serving of
pasta, corn, breads, couscous, polenta, or lentils, 6 oz of white or 8oz of brown rice, or a baked
potato without butter. While its not quite an evening at the Olive Garden, its something for those
of you who love their carbs.
At Least Your Weight Will Be Stable

The DD is structured so that you never have to return to a life of bulimia to manage your weight,
and the Permanent Stabilization routine is the key to the whole shitteree, according to MM. Dukan.
This phase is actually simpler than the rest, as it involves eating whatever the fuck you want 6 days
a week (provided youre still getting your 2TBSP of oat bran a day, eating the pure protein diet one
day a week, and never using an escalator or elevator again in your life. The latter recommendation
century, but would likely be suicidal if you lived in the Burj Khalifa or wanted to stand at the top of
the Empire State Building.
According to Dukan, however, this thing will keep you slender as a baguette-eater for the remainder
of your days, and apparently does not require that you own a beret to do so.
Questions I Have Been Asked About This Diet Already
brans yang, or the Skeletor to brans He-Man. On this diet you will have to eat oat bran, which is
Page 62
-
al isle. You can also get it cheap on amazon if you so choose.
A: Yogurt, like all dairy foods, contains sugar. This sugar is called lactose, and is the alleged culprit
when any person shits their pants after drinking a glass of milk. According to one study, Approx-
least moderately lactose intolerant. That fascinating sidebar aside, theres no way to get sugar-free
No honey, no agave, and no other hippie faux sugars are allowed either- you want good, old-fash-
Q: Where should I go to get recipes/more information/anything else because Im too

fucking lazy to read the book?
A: My Dukan Diet seems to have some good recipes and breaks shit down a bit. Thus, if youve
got a member of the family with Downs syndrome but who wants to lose some weight (and when
was the last time you saw someone with Downs who couldnt stand to get their ass around the
block a couple of times?), or you want recipes, go here.
Q: Is cum allowed on this diet? [Editors note: I very literally was asked this question.
Twice.]
A: Yes, cum can be a very important part of any diet for anyone who wishes to partake (edited for
the hyper literal readers out there). This means that gays, bisexual guys, guys who like to eat their
Although cum may look creamy and opaque, it contains very little fat, and few calories. One
teaspoon of cum contains about 5 calories, and the average ejaculation produces about a
guess that it has a few carbohydrates, but considering the relatively small volume of semen
per serving wed guess the total amount to be negligible.Given that cum is a high-protein,
low-carb snack, youd think the Atkins Diet people would be all over it by now. Plus, when
you factor in the calories expended in performing oral sex, chances are youre burning off
much more than youre consuming. The only way that swallowing during a blow job will
make you fat is if you cover your lovers dick with whipped cream and chocolate syrup
(Dont Spit).
Per Wikipedia: Semen is primarily water, but contains trace amounts of almost every nutrient the
-
als, such as potassium, magnesium, and selenium. One typical ejaculation contains 150 mg of pro-
tein, 11 mg of carbohydrates, 6 mg fat, 3 mg cholesterol, 7% US RDA potassium and 3% US RDA
copper and zinc.
Page 63
SIMPLE AS A, B, Bloody C, D, E!
I mentioned in a previous blog that I was a bit of a fan of a guy of whom youve likely never
heard, Torbjorn Akerfeldt. Akerfeldt is a former bodybuilder and doctor who pioneered a pretty
innovative diet in the 1990s called the ABCDE diet, which Bill Phillips jocked like it was the sec-
ond coming of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Why? Because based on Akerfeldts theories, you can diet
hard for two weeks, then blow your diet completely for two weeks, and still get bigger and lose fat.
For obvious reasons, this diets been hit with a massive amount of scrutiny, and no longer really
gets any press. The science behind it, however, is compelling, and Im of the opinion that it can be
incorporated into ones diet, however sparingly. How sparingly? Im of the opinion that if you diet
your ass off for a couple of months, this might just be the way to get your body anabolic again,
throw on some muscle in a hurry, and get your head right after weeks of deprivation.
How it works:
This diets about as simple as they come- overeat for 2 weeks, then undereat for two weeks, then
repeat ad nauseum. According to Akerfeldt, you should end up with a net lean muscle gain and
overall fat loss, no matter how shitty your diet during the two weeks. Protein intake is not an issue
on this diet, as the only thing youre tracking on this diet is caloric intake- you want 1000 surplus
with no restrictions or recommendations on macronutrients.
have similar aims to McDonalds - i.e. manipulation of thyroid, testosterone,

and leptin. A word to the wise, however- Ive linked the studies associate with this diet, and Ive yet
to read a writeup on the web thats got the details recounted faithfully, accurately, or in some cas-
es, even remotely correctly. Science seems to support it as well, as one study shows that a 3 week
period of overfeeding in a bunch of chicks resulted in an average weight gain of 9.5 lbs, of which
about 4 was lean mass. All of the subjects experienced increased testosterone, IGF-1, and insulin,
which meant that they were highly anabolic. Unfortunately, they also gained 5 lbs of fat in three
weeks. I highly doubt they were particularly psyched about this, but given that most females gain
the next study associated with the ABCDE diet shows that in small samples of men over 12 days,
guys who ate more calories gained more muscle than fat, and guys who under ate lost more fat
inversely proportional to carbohydrate intake- i.e., the less carbs you eat, the more fat you burn. As
with this diet investigated the effect of a caloric and nitrogen surplus on nitrogen retention, though
this positive nitrogen balance was not maintained after the diet ended. Thus, my take is that your
youve got to keep the protein high.
Why, then, tell you about this diet? Because its fucking interesting, for one, and because it could
Page 64
my sentiments:
Our genes have not evolved much during the last 100,000 years; thus, they are still devel-
oped for our hunter/gatherer and, more recently, pastoral ancestors, who, whenever they succeed-
ed in killing an animal, lived on meat for a week or two. At other times, when they had bad luck
hunting and a crop failed, they lived on a low-calorie diet. This selective pressure gave man adipose
tissue with almost unlimited storage capacity and a very adaptive metabolism to cope with periods
of different diets (Phillips).
During a calorie [or any macronutrient] restricted period, the number and activity of en-
zymes which govern storage will increase, while the degrading enzymes and those which promote
-
tion, the body is now optimized for a forthcoming period of excess intake of calories. When this
period takes place, the body will store excess calories at a tremendous rate. This applies to carbohy-
drates [glycogen] and is the basis for carb loading. It also applies to fats [triglycerides] and amino
acids [proteins]. Sometimes this mechanism is called super-compensation (Phillips).
During the bulking phase of the ABCDE program, several things happen. First of all,
-
ers theory of cellular hydration5,6 and Millwards full-bag theory,9 the cell will actually stretch.
system. Bag enlargement is remodeling of the connective tissue. Remodeling is stimulated during
the stretching or eccentric components of exercise and is further enhanced by the incredible pump
youll get while training during this phase of the diet (Phillips).
but one could logically surmise that consuming a higher protein diet during the bulking phase may
stimulate anabolic drive and produce even greater nitrogen retention. If you followed a high-carbo-
hydrate diet during the low-calorie phase, the accompanying increase in fat oxidation would make
you put on a lot of fat during the next bulking phase (Phillips).
His recommendations for calories in the two phases:

Take your bodyweight times 12 [to approximate maintenance-calorie intake for an individ-
ual whos not extremely active] and add 1,500 calories to this number. For example, a person who
weighs 200 lbs, like yourself, would consume about 4,000 calories a day during the bulking phase
calories equal to your bodyweight times eight. That would be about 1,600 calories for you [200 x 8
Seems fairly simple, right? Though I might not agree with every bit of his premise, the theory is
certainly enticing, especially if you know, for instance, that youll be eating your ass off on vacation
for two weeks. Should you have such a plan, it might behoove you to undereat for two solid weeks
prior to that caloric bonanza to get the most out of it (and look your best while you embark upon
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a Kobiyashi-style gastronomic catastrophe). The best bit to take away from this diet- experimen-
tation is fucking key. Every bit of information you can pick up will be useful at some point, no
matter whether you agree with the authors premise or not... but fuck you if you disagree with me.
STEW-ROIDS
-
ly with the idea for the article. The title for this post eluded me, however, as if I were an obese,
mustachioed, unwashed child molester, rocking a turgid 4 hard on, chasing the last remaining child
through a McDonalds Playland with a leaky bag of opiate laced candy with ten minutes left before
the end of the world. This is odd, because hilarity usually comes fairly easy to me, and I know
exactly what it is this article is to be, and yet the best I can come up with is Holy Shit, Westerners
Are All Retarded, because holy shit, Western lifters are fucking retarded. Blinded by an endless
spate of fad diets, immersed in endless debates about nutrition and buried in mounds of research
conducted by people who have no understanding of weightlifting outside of theory, and in the US
in particular without a traditional ethnic diet, were left standing on a desert island with a vile pro-
island replete with lifters pushing weights of which we can only dream, drunk out of their skulls,
and eating delicious foods. For the kids on message boards with sub 315 squats, the only answer is
DRUGS, LOTS OF DRUGS, because theyre giant retarded vaginas with less understanding of
what it takes to get strong than my 75 year old ice cream-obsessed, white collar father, who could
easily outlift 85% of message board posters simply because hes a fucking man with full grown tes-
ticles and a modicum of personal pride.
The missing element in English speaking countries isnt drugs, and though its partially related to
work ethic, thats not it either. Instead, the missing element is the paucity of giant iron kettles con-
girlfriends jeans.
Thats right- we are not eating enough stew. That is the problem, and this is not a joke.
For those of you with short attention spans, lets run down a quick list of people who traditionally
eat stew and their concomitant skill at strength sports:
Russians and Ukranians. They eat stew by the bucketful, and they probably just recycle
their trophies and medals in weightlifting at this point because theyve got nowhere to store the
fucking things.
Bulgarians. Bulgarians have, per capita, more trophies in Olympic weightlifting than
any other country in history, in spite of the fact that they live in a tiny, landlocked, dour, cold,
poor country whose only traditional export is humongous mustaches. Like their former Eastern
Page 66
bloc comrades, theyre slurping down wheelbarrows full of stews called moussaka and kavarma
24/7/365.
Iranians. Persian traditional cuisine is pretty much just kebebs and stew (khoresht) with
a variety of breads and rice. For a small country, they have a disproportionately massive number
of Olympic medals in weightlifting and wrestling, and have an incredibly long and rich history of
strongman and wrestling training called varzesh e bastani that literally could not have existed in a
place wherein the diet wasnt centered around their traditional fare. Unlike the Indians, they never
gave up on a meat-heavy diet, so theyve been able to keep dominating strength sports while the
Indians have languished in estrogen-fueled vegetarian weakness.
Turks. Most of the meals cooked in the home start with meat-rich soup followed by thick
stews made with beans and minced meat. If youre unaware, the Turks always do well in Olympic
weightlifting, and have wiped the mats with foreign wrestlers since the dawn of man.
Hungarians. Though you dont think of Hungary when you think of strength sports,
Hungary has 20 medals in weightlifting and a shitload in wrestling, in spite of the fact that they
have fewer people in their country than live in Paris. Their secret? Goulash by the bucket.
Sumo Wrestlers. All those motherfuckers do is eat stew and drink beer when theyre not
training, and they average 412 lbs at 62. Yes, theyre fat, but science says so what?, because
sumo wrestlers carry more lean body mass than bodybuilders (Kondo). The average sumo carries
only 26% bodyfat, which means that that in contest shape theyd be stepping onto the bodybuilding
stage at 307.8 lbs.
Icelanders. Iceland has long been renown for its strongmen, all of whom credit their dis-
Chinese. Though neither soup nor stew is a mainstay of the traditional Chinese diet, Chi-
nese weightlifters eat loads a heavy soup made of chicken and pork ribs, and theyre working over
the lighter weight classes in Oly lifting like theyre mini Mike Tysons hanging beatings on Robin
Givens lookalikes.
I realize that due to the fact that no renowned author has written at length about the utility of stew,
my contention here is likely being viewed with no small amount of skepticism. No bodybuilder
credited stew with their success. As such, stew could not possible be in vogue, because nowhere
are people more lemming-like than in Western strength sports. As such, my theory begs more in-
vestigation. Prepare yourselves for a fact dump that makes your typical deuce dropping in German
scat porn seem positively reserved by comparison.
Stewed foods are probably as old as pottery, likely due to the fact that stewing is a very simple way
to cook a wide variety of foods, and is perhaps the best method of retaining as much nutrition in
the cooked foods as possible. The Scythians, a tribe of man-eating, death dealing superhumans
who dominated the Russian steppes for centuries were huge fans of stewing, and would stew
their food whenever they werent sewing their enemies scalps into horse blankets and capes. As
ingenious as they were pants-shittingly brutal, the Scythians were known to cook their food by
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(Wiki) Ever fans of stewing, one neighboring tribe to the Scythians known as the Issedones would
walk their elderly men right into a crock pot and cook them up, then gild their skullcaps and use
them as drinking vessels. Motherfuckers back in the day knew how to throw a fucking party.
The reasons behind stewing are simple:

none of the nutrients generally lost in drippings from roasting or in the water from boiling
are discarded- instead, theyre either cooked right back into the meat or remain intact in the broth.
meat loses less weight by being stewed than if cooked by any other method.
stewing denatures protein, making it far more digestible (hydrolyzed whey is denatured, for
instance)
for those of us who view vegetables as a necessary but horrible evil, you end up eating far
more of them in stews than you would otherwise.
stews can be easily kept hot and reheated.
acrylamides (cancer-causing agents in starchy foods) are not formed in stewing.
veggies, grans and beans all together in one pot. The popular practice today of barbecuing or grill-
ing meat, which caramelizes or burns its surface, denatures the protein and creates toxins that are
widely believed to be carcinogenic(Hofmekler 73). While Ori might not understand that denatur-
ing protein is often actually a good thing, he has a point- there is a reason the greatest military of
the ancient world cooked the way they did- it worked, and it provided the army with the best nutri-
Beyond the above list, there is one other reason that you should be eating a wheelbarrow full of
stew daily- history has shown that the biggest and strongest people on Earth eat stew with more
alacrity than a dog shows when drinking from the toilet. Stew isnt just food- its stew-roids. Take,
for instance, the example of Icelandic strongmen. These gigantic motherfuckers buck the trend
of small bodies leading to long life, as the Icelanders are second only to the Japanese in terms of
longevity, and are second in the world for males under the age of twenty. Their secret? A stew
called kjotsupafor- a traditional lamb soup made of fatty lamb, rutabaga, onion, carrot, celery,
size and strength, and claim that this was the stew that made their Viking ancestors the skull-smash-
ing, cervix-displacing, monastery-burning behemoths they were. Currently, Icelandic strongmen
eat kjotsupafor before, during, and after training, and up to six times per day to fuel their training
(Bourdain). If youre curious how its made, heres a recipe:
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Kjotsupafor
Yield: 6-8 servings of kjtspa
Ingredients
2 Tbsp. olive oil
3 pounds lamb, on the bone (thick chops or shoulder whatever is cheapest!)

1 medium onion, sliced
1/3 cup brown rice (traditionalists use rolled oats as an alternative)
6 cups water
1/2 tsp. dried thyme
1/2 tsp. dried oregano
1/2 cabbage, roughly chopped
3 carrots, diced into 1/2 pieces
1/2 rutabaga, uniformly diced
4 potatoes, scrubbed well and diced into uniform 1/2 pieces (see alternative note below)
Directions
1.
medium heat (do not brown). Add the lamb pieces and brown on all sides. Add the sliced onion to
the pot and saut very lightly (about 1 minute), then pour in the brown rice and water. Raise heat
to high, bringing the soup to a low boil; allow to boil for 5 minutes, skimming away the froth as it
rises.
2. Reduce heat to medium, stir in dried thyme and oregano, cover pot, and cook for 40 min-
utes.
3.
an additional 20 minutes, or until vegetables are fork-tender.
4. Remove meat and bones from pot, chop meat coarsely, then return. Warm for an addition-
al 5 minutes. (Alternatively, some Icelanders will remove the lamb and potatoes from the pot and
serve these on a plate, separately from the soup. If presenting the meal this way, chop the potatoes
into larger, 1 chunks).
One bowl of kjtspa yields the following nutrition:
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Perhaps Iceland isnt your thing- you hate Vikings, prefer samurai, and are the one fucking asshole
on Earth who thinks Deadliest Warrior got it right when they stated a Viking would lose 522 out
their basement, you were the smelly, paste-eating kid in school, and you likely have never been in a
-
more often than a 1920s cartoon hobo, because thats just about all sumo wrestlers ever eat, and
if youve already forgotten, scientists have declared that sumo wrestlers carry the most lean body
mass of any humans on Earth, so its not as though theyre simply giant babies tottering around in
diapers.
The stew, of which sumo wrestlers eat prodigious amounts, is called chankonabe, and is comprised
of tossed sliced tofu, carrots, cabbages, leeks, potatoes, lotus roots, daikon radishes, shiitake mush-
rooms, and giant burdock in chicken broth. they wash all that down with massive amounts of beer
and saki, then take a nap to allow the massive meal to digest. Chanko is considered a sort of legal
steroid in Japan- Of all the performance enhancers used in sports, its perhaps the oldest and
most venerated. Chanko dates to at least the late 19th century, when short-order cooks from Niiga-
with nabe, the name for one-pot meals often served at the table. Its the main course of a sumo
meal, says Konishiki. All the sumo wrestlers have to eat it, whether they like it or not (Lidz).
Heres how chankonabe is made in Tokyos Tomoegata:
Tachiyama Chanko-Nabe (Tachiyamas Beef and Chicken Hot Pot)
Serves 4
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Ingredients
3 lbs. chicken bones
1 2.8-oz. package abura-age (deep-fried tofu), cut into large pieces
1 clove garlic, peeled
1/4 cup soy sauce
2 tbsp. mirin (sweet rice wine)
Salt
1 medium waxy potato, peeled, quartered lengthwise, sliced crosswise, and blanched
2 piece daikon, peeled, quartered lengthwise, sliced crosswise, and blanched
1 small carrot, trimmed, peeled, sliced on the bias, and blanched
1 leek, white part only, trimmed, washed, and sliced on the bias
1/4 head napa cabbage, cored and cut into large pieces
4 shiitake mushrooms, stemmed
4 oz. shimeji mushrooms. trimmed and separated
4 oz. fresh burdock root, trimmed, peeled, and shaved into long thin strips
10 oz. yaki-dofu (grilled tofu), halved lengthwise and cut into 1/2-thick pieces
1/2lb. boneless chicken thighs. cut into thin strips
1/2 bunch chrysanthemum greens, trimmed
1/2 lb. very thinly sliced prime rib eye of beef
1 lb. udon noodles
Directions
1. Bring a medium pot of water to a boil over high heat. Put chicken bones and fried tofu into
2 separate colanders set in sink and pour two-thirds of the boiling water over the bones to rinse off
any impurities and the remaining boiling water over the tofu to rinse off excess oil. Transfer bones
to the medium pot and set tofu aside to drain.
2. Add garlic and 14 cups cold water to pot with bones and bring to a boil over high heat,
skimming any foam that rises to the surface. Reduce heat to medium-low and simmer until broth
has reduced by one-third, about 21/2 hours. Strain broth into a clean, wide medium pot, discarding
solids, and skim off fat.
3. At the table, set pot on a portable stove in center of table, add soy sauce and mirin, season
to taste with salt, and bring to a simmer over medium heat.
4. Add about one-third of the potatoes, daikon, carrots, leeks, cabbage, mushrooms, burdock,
grilled tofu. chicken, fried tofu, and chrysanthemum greens to simmering broth.
5. Cook until vegetables begin to soften and chicken is just cooked through, about 5 minutes.
Add about one-third of the beef.
6. Simmer until just cooked through, about 1 minute.
7. Once all the vegetables, tofu, chicken, greens, and beef have been eaten, use a small sieve
to pick out scraps. Bring remaining broth in pot back to a simmer, add noodles, and simmer until
cooked through, 6-8 minutes. Serve in individual bowls.
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One serving of Chankonabe yields the following nutritional awesome:
As though the above information werent compelling enough, lifters at David Rigerts training camp
recommends that lifters eat stew as a regular part of their diet, and the Chinese Olympic weight-
lifting team eats chicken and pork rib soup as a staple of their diets. Essentially, everyone BUT
a tragedy for us Westerners, but this tragedy can be averted... with the liberal use of a crock pot and
a willingness to depart from the norm. To give you an idea of what it is youre missing out on, here
is a bit of the nutritional information for some of the best choices for stew:
Beef Goulash nutrition:
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Page 73
Borscht nutrition:
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Khoresht nutrition:
Beef Chili nutrition:
As you can see, stew is pretty much the balls if youre looking for a shitload of calories and a shit-
you with the power of all of your viking ancestors currently drinking in Valhalla and awaiting your
arrival. For those of you who are still in the get ripped phase and not in the get huge mother-
fucker phase of life, stew might not be the best choice. For anyone whos looking to the coming
winter months with a twinkle in their eye and an idea about packing on some serious mass and
throwing around weights that would seem positively fantastical to the 150 lb. nutritional gurus on
the internet- time to start jacking some stew-roids so you can leave the world of bitch mode be-
hind.
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THERES NO SUCH THING AS TOO MANY STEW-ROIDS

Before I start the second installment in this series, a warning- If youre unaccustomed to eating
taking it easy on spices might be a good idea, no matter how spicy you like your food. the reason
behind this warning is that after eating chili made with two cans of Texas Rancheros beans, a cou-
ple of pounds of lean beef, and a shitload of poblano peppers, wasabi, habenero pepper sauce,
for the last 14 hours, and am feeling not unlike I did when I had dysentery in China, though I am as
of yet not bleeding from my asshole.
Quite frankly, the popularity of my stew idea has me taken a bit aback- I honestly believed the
world at large would accuse me of having holed up in my house, collecting my own urine and
fecal samples, and basically writing nonsense while living full-on Howard Hughes style. It appears,
however, that Im onto something, so I believe it behooves me to continue with my stew series- the
more I research, the more I discover that the correlation between stew and gigantic, badass moth-
erfuckers is 1:1, no matter where you are in the world. As it happens, my initial idea for eating stew
didnt come from my research, but rather arose out of my inquiry into the ideal bulking diet, as
Ive grown unbelievably weary of constant dieting and have been looking around for a method by
which I can alter my diet and increase muscular mass without becoming one of the giant, fat pieces
of shit you see waddling around most gyms in sweatshirts with cutoff sleeves and sweatpants that
appear to have been new when Flashdance was initially released on Laserdisc. Putting on a bit of
fat in the pursuit of huge numbers is no issue- losing the appearance that I actually lift weights is.
As such, the traditional see food diet was not an option, nor was the hideous nonsense I reposted
from Dave Tate about eating pizza drenched in olive oil. Instead, I thought to look to how people
have done it around the world in a logical, sensible, sane manner, though with a mode of execution
extreme enough to justify its use with my training methodology. That thought then sat on a dusty
shelf in the back of my mind as I rummaged through it looking for odd bits and pieces for the new
nutrition ebook, and Id occasionally catch a glimmer from that abandoned shelf thatd draw my at-
tention whenever the word stew popped up in a book or article. I then recalled Ori Hofmeklers
bit on stew, which I posted in the last installment of this series, and the entire concept began to
congeal in my head. Id already thought in the past that chili could be made into the ultimate food,
and then it dawned upon me- there is no need to make it into the ultimate food, because it already
Assuming you make your chili with one pound of 93% lean beef, 425 grams of pinto beans,
425 grams of kidney beans, and a can each of tomato soup and diced tomatoes, youre look-
and 168g of protein, all for around $6. Thus, for maybe $16 bucks you could double that
and have three protein shakes to top out around 5000 calories and 450 grams of protein.
Depending on how you look at it, youre hitting a split of 50% carbs, 37% protein, 13% fat without
-
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to grow on anything. Additionally, all of the health concerns constantly issuing forth from the
mouths of your wives/girlfriends/parents/coworkers are obviated by the fact that youre getting an
insanely balanced diet jam-packed with more fucking nutrition than youd get just about any other
way.
For those of you who are curious about my chili recipe, here it is:
Jamies Pants-Shitting Scorched Anus Chili

4 servings
Ingredients
2 lbs 93% lean ground beef
2 cans Bushs Best Texas Rancheros beans
Brown Bag Chili Mix
8 oz tomato sauce
5 poblano chilis, minced
6 TBSP Sriracha
4 tsp wasabi powder
4tsp habanero sauce
2 tbsp crushed red pepper
2 tsp ancho chili powder
2 tsp cayanne powder
Directions
your tap (16 oz). Mix thoroughly while adding our large packet of seasonings. Let simmer over-
night in a crock pot.
think of stew, as a general rule, I think of the stew one sees in every medieval movie, ever. Theres
invariably an iron kettle brimming with meat and potatoes simmering in the backdrop of any medi-
eval period piece, and that or roast meat are usually the only things you see eaten, along with bread.
That, Ive learned, is known as hunters stew, perpetual stew, and hobo stew, and it sounds like its
a gigantic Santa Claus bag of awesome. Basically, this type of stew, which was extremely common
-
er got emptied- as it was consumed, more random shit was thrown in- whatever meats, veggies, or
tubers they had lying around got chopped up and used. This is why stews are so fucking cool- you
can use endless variations, and the quality of the meat is inconsequential because even the toughest,
stringiest cuts of meat are rendered tender by the slow-cooking process.
Though that description likely conjures up images of hulking, brutish, unwashed and bloody men
Page 77
at the top of their lungs, that type of a meal would have been just as common in the medieval
era as it was in the Roman, the pre-Roman era of the Scythians, the early 20th century, and even
in modern Iceland, Japan, Hungary, and elsewhere in non-Americanized countries. In fact, the
stew-grain-alcohol combination of the medieval era was used with great success by the Saxon Trio
of the early 20th Century and is the mainstay of the sumos and Russian strongmen- a healthy reiki-
shi may drink up to six pints of beer at a midday meal (Scott), Saxon was apparently weaned on
beer (he once drank 50 beers pre-performance) and ate a tremendous amount of stew and soup
(Inch) and still perform, and everyone whos ever lifted in Russia has some tale of drunken de-
seems to have arisen right out of the Middle Ages, as stew was referred to as companaticum(that
which goes with the bread) and was thus nearly invariably served with booze and bread (Wiki).
If youre curious, I managed to rustle up a medieval stew recipe to give you an idea of what it was
those fuckers had bubbling away in a cauldron awaiting the return of King Arthur and his men.
The following recipe comes from a book that might be more aptly titled 700 Years of Culinary Fail-
ure, but the author instead went with 700 Years of English Cooking, which while accurate lacks the
descriptive terms necessary to warn the reader of the culinary disasters bound within the pages of
the book.
Medieval Spiced Beef Stew

Serves 6-8
Ingredients
1.5kg lean braising steak, chopped into bite-size chunks
Oil for frying

1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp ground mace
1/8 tsp (small pinch) ground cloves
4 black peppercorns, crushed
1/2 tsp cardamom pods, crushed and green pods discarded
900ml beef stock

50g stale wholemeal bread, torn into small pieces
3 tbsp cider vinegar
Pinch of saffron threads
Directions
1.
of oil and place over a medium high heat. Add the beef in batches and fry, stirring occasionally,
Page 78
until browned.
2. Return any browned beef to the pan with its juices. Add the spices, onion and parsley with
a splash of the stock and fry, stirring frequently and scrapping up the crusty layer from the bottom
of the pan with a wooden spoon, for about 5 minutes until the onions have started to soften. Add
the rest of the stock with a pinch of salt and bring to a gentle boil. Cover, reduce the heat to low
and simmer for 2 hours, until the beef is tender.
3. Meanwhile, soak the bread in the vinegar with the saffron. Stir into the stew and simmer,
uncovered, for about 20 minutes until the bread has broken down and the stew is thick. Taste and
season with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Serve with bread and buttered green vegetables,
garnished with chopped fresh parsley.
Obviously, thats one stout ass meat soup. While its not really fatty enough to be considered fully
keto, you could diet for a bodybuilding show on this stew and show up grainier than a camera-
phone pic from 2001. Additionally, cinnamon isnt just a dessert spice- its used a hell of a lot in
-
mons inclusion into any meal is usually a good idea, as cinnamon confers a variety of health bene-
yeast infections in those sad sacks whove picked up the HIV on a trip to Thailand or their local
bathhouse. As such, this stew is pretty much the ideal thing for anyone to eat from time to time,
hell of a postworkout meal.
Macedonian Stew
Frankly, the Macedonians have done exactly fuckall since conquering much of the known world,
but as a former title holder in the World Domination Championships, their food deserves some
mention. As for sporting events since then, theyve only been a country since 1996 (they were part
of former Yugoslavia, and prior to that part of the Bulgarian Empire), but have pulled down a
number of medals in Olympic wrestling in spite of the fact that their country is essentially six peo-
ple standing around a goat in the ass-end of Bulgaria. Though I didnt even know there was a such
a thing as Macedonian cuisine prior to researching this, a restaurant in Indianapolis is famous for
their stew, which is of course Macedonian- Johns Famous Stew in Indianapolis. The stew, which is
called Turli Tava, is supposed to be the balls, and you can make it considerably hotter (as the Mace-
donians are wont to do) by adding a bunch of Hungarian wax peppers.
Quite frankly, I have never had a Hungarian dish I found the least bit spicy and could rinse my con-
tacts with the juice from Hungarian wax peppers, but Macedonians apparently love em and think
Page 79
theyre capable of rendering stew spicy. That aside, cranking up the heat on your stew is a damn
-
mation with decent potency, and prevent cancer with indeterminate potency (Examine.com). If
youre more inclined to use horseradish or wasabi, that works as well, as the isothiocyanates that
make the brassica family spicy inhibits cancer growth. As such, you should do as the Macedonians
consult the following complete list of people who do not like spicy foods:
Pregnant women
Breastfeeding mothers
Menstruating women
Women on menopause
Children
Old People
As Maddox says, this is a complete list of people who do not like spicy foods,so if you dont like
spicy food, you must one of the above listed. Animals, old people, and children cant read, so I
guess that makes you a bitch (Maddox 68-69).
Turli Tava
Preheat oven to 400.
Ingredients
1 pound of mixed meat pork and beef cut in chunks for stew
Sea salt
freshly ground black pepper
1 medium onion, peeled and roughly chopped
3 cloves of garlic, minced
2 medium potatoes, peeled and roughly chopped
2 medium carrots, peeled and roughly chopped
1 medium eggplant, stem removed and roughly chopped
2 red or green bell peppers, stems and seeds removed, roughly chopped
1 large tomato, roughly chopped
1 1/2 cups of okra, tops and tails cut off, blanched in salted water for 1 minute, rinsed and drained
(if unavailable replace with green beans)
1 tablespoon paprika
salt and pepper to taste
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 cup water
Parsley, roughly chopped to garnish
Directions
1. Season veal, pork and chicken with salt and pepper and set inside the clay dish.
2. Mix in the vegetables.
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3. Season with paprika, salt, and pepper.

4. Add in the olive oil and water; mix well.
5. Put it in the oven and cook it uncovered for 1 hour and 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.
6. Garnish with parsley.
7. Let cool for 20 minutes then serve it warm with crusty bread. Utensils not needed- this stuff
is chunky enough to eat with your hands or chunks of bread, just the way Conan would have done
it.
Bulgarian Stew
Provided youre an adult human being who lifts weights and does not have their head jammed so
far up your own ass that you know what your own duodenum tastes like, the Bulgarians require no
introduction. Given the spate of prolapsed rectum gobbling Ive noted (with pleasure) on various
porn sites, I suppose I might as well introduce them anyway. Long known as the swarthy asshole
of Eastern Europe, Bulgaria emerged as an Olympic wrestling and weightlifting powerhouse under
the benevolent eye of the Soviets. No country has amassed medals in those respective sports as
have the Bulgarians, a people as un-numerous as they are un-hirsute. Culturally, the Bulgarians are
-
cians, one of the only Greek nations to stand with the Spartans at Thermopylae, hailed from what
and South Slavs (the rest of whom eventually ended up as Yugoslavia) to comprise the population
-
the dinner table as a Bulgarian favorite-Monastery gyuvetch.
Monastery Gyuvetch
Ingredients
2 lbs beef
4 tomatoes, chopped
1/2 lbs mushrooms
1 cup rice
1 onion, chopped
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15 olives, whole
a bunch of parsley
2 tbsp vegetable oil
1 tbsp butter
1 tbsp sugar
2 1/2 cups beef stock
black pepper, paprika and salt
Directions
1. Cut the beef into cubes or small pieces and fry in a pan with a little oil for about 5 minutes
or until brown.
2. Add the onions, beef stock and paprika, 5 minutes later add the mushrooms and rice and
simmer for about 15 minutes.
3. Add the tomatoes, salt to taste, butter, sugar and olives, and cook for another 5 minutes.
Preheat oven to 400F.
4. Transfer the content of the pan into a baking dish and cook for about 30 minutes. Sprinkle
with parsley and pepper before serving.
5. Or you could sprinkle that with some parsley and pepper before eating.
Maori Stew
of you who are unaware, the Maori are some of the hardest motherfuckers to ever walk the Earth,
and earned their massive statures from a diet so meat-heavy that they eventually turned to canni-
balism to supplement their diets after hunting most of the animals in New Zealand to extinction.
When I say massive this is of course relative- the average Maori male was about 58 prior to col-
onization, which was considerably taller than Europeans of the time, and were much more heavily
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muscled, as the average Maori was generally between 170 and 200 lbs. Replete with a shitload of
badass tattoos and more bludgeoning weapons than one would like to see in hulking, heavily mus-
cled natives in a tropical paradise they wish to conquer, the Maori were the last major indigenous
group to fall to European colonization, holding out until the mid 19th Century after eating more
Europeans than a French cunnilingus specialist. As it is everywhere else Ive mentioned, the main-
stay of the Maori diet was stew- in this case, the Maori Boil-Up. Unlike many of the other stews
Ive thus far outlined, the Maori Boil up is interestingly Zone-ish- its almost exactly 33% protein,
33% fat, and 33% carbohydrates. Given that its still the mainstay of Maori cuisine and the fact that
the All Blacks
dominate rugby harder than Max hardcore dominates skinny chicks tonsils, it stands to reason we
could all stand to get a little Zone in our lives and rock this stew like its Infant Annihilators full
length- all the live long day.
Maori Boil-Up (with pork tenderloin, though traditional recipes generally use pork bones
and pork neck added to the broth)
Servings: 6
Ingredients
4 cups chicken broth
2 cups water
1 lb pork tenderloin
2 bunches watercress
1 large kumara, peeled and chopped (sweet potato)
1/2 large onion, peeled and chopped
3 green onions, sliced
6 cherry tomatoes
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon fresh cilantro, chopped (optional)
Doughboys
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, in pea sized pieces
1 teaspoon baking powder

1 pinch salt
1 pinch sugar
1/4-1/2 cup milk
Directions
1. Add stock, water and pork to pot, bring to a boil then cover and simmer for an hour.
2. Soak watercress in cold water for 10 minutes. (This removes bitterness) Squeeze out mois-
ture and break into pieces. Set aside.
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3. Add kumara, onion, green onion and tomatoes to stock and simmer for 15 minutes.
4. Remove pork and chop into pieces. Return meat to stock and boil for 5 minutes. Add salt
and watercress and simmer for 15 minutes.
5. Meanwhile make the doughboys. Cut butter into dry ingredients until it resembles coarse
cornmeal. Stir in enough milk to make a stiff, slightly sticky dough.
6. Drop either teaspoon or tablespoon sized amounts of the doughboy mixture into the the
boiling pot, cover and cook for about 10-15 minutes. Dont lift lid while cooking. Larger doughboys
will take a bit longer.
7. Serve with a garnish of chopped cilantro.
Welsh Stew
When one thinks of Wales, they likely think of an incomprehensible language spoken by hill people
who spend their time fucking sheep, if they think of them at all. While that is, Im told, unequiv-
ocally true, the Welsh do have a long history of badassery spanning back to prehistory. According
to a 15th century historian, The ancient Britons being naturally a warlike nation did no doubt for
the exercise of their youth in time of peace and to avoid idleness devise games of activity where
each man might show his natural prowess and agility, as some for strength of the body by wrestling,
lifting of heavy burdens, others for the arm as in casting the bar, sledge, stone, or hurling the bawl
or ball, others that excelled in swiftness of foot, to win the praise therein by running, and surely
for the exercise of the parts aforesaid this cnapan was prudently invented, had the same contin-
ued without abuse thereof (Wiki) Cnapan, as it happens, is the forerunner to rugby union, the
game at which the Maoris excel. When the Welsh played it, it had few rules, was played by teams
numbering over a thousand a side, and often resulted in serious injuries and death. As such, its
not played anymore, as no insurance company will cover the players. Thus, the Welsh are left with
shit like strongman, stone lifting, and Highland games, at all of which they excel. Of the former
perhaps Gary Taylor is the most well-known contestant, a six foot, 300 lb behemoth who won the
1993 Worlds Strongest Man and who boasts a positively fucking ridiculous behind the neck push
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press of 600 lbs. The rest of the Welsh are hardly pussies, as they boast some of the toughest
manhood stones in the British Isles- the Criccieth [390.5lb] and Ysbyty Ifan [300lb] stones. As I
understand it, stew is traditionally the most-consumed food in Wales, and the most popular of the
stews is Cawl, so again, weve got some bad motherfuckers sucking down stew like its cum in a
bukkake party.
Welsh Cawl
Serves six
Ingredients
6 x small Welsh lamb shanks
1.2L/2pts water
225g/8oz potatoes, peeled and diced
225g/8oz swede, peeled and diced
225g/8oz onion, peeled and chopped
225g/8oz carrots, peeled and diced
225g/8oz leek, cleaned and sliced thin
A bunch of herbs: Bay, thyme, rosemary and parsley
a small Savoy cabbage
2tbsp vegetable oil
Salt and pepper
Directions
1. Heat the vegetable oil in a large pan, season the lamb shanks add to the pan together with
the onion and brown all over (you may have to do this in batches if your pan is not large enough.
Pour over the water and add the bunch of herbs. Bring to the boil then reduce the heat to a sim-
mer. Cover and cook for 40 minutes. Add all the vegetables except for the cabbage, bring up to the
boil again, reduce to a simmer and cook for a further 40 minutes. Shred the cabbage and add to the
cawl, cook for about 5 minutes, then serve.
2. Cawl can be made throughout the year, just adjust the vegetables according to the sea-
son. Chopped runner bean, broad beans and peas are wonderful during early summer, add a little
chopped mint at the end of cooking.
3. During cooking the stock will reduce somewhat, so top up with more water, or some wine.
You may also wish to add pulses such as lentils, or beans, pearl barley is also good during the winter
months.
4. Substitute lamb with a piece of gammon, just make sure you soak it before cooking. The
broth will make an excellent soup, add peas and fresh mint.
5. Serve the gammon with creamed potatoes, broad beans and parsley sauce.
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Next time, well close this one out when we hit up the Senegalese, Croats, Dutch/Belgians/South
Africans, and Indians for the stew recipes that made them some of the meanest, baddest, most un-
forgiving motherfuckers in the gods cruel kingdom, and prove once and for all that theres no food
on the fucking planet that confers more badass, muscle building, face melting, cervix displacing
nutrition than does a good old-fashioned stew.
STEW-ROIDS FOR THE WIN

Before I kick this one off, Im going to post what I thought was a remarkably succinct observation
I cant explain why your stew articles have been well received by everyone, but I can explain
why I thought they were awesome. I liked the stew articles because they were a rallying cry
for a return to simplicity. Many things, I think, have been overcomplicated in recent years,
lifting and eating foremost among them. For several decades now we have endured a barrage
high protein, see food, paleo, keto, blah blah blah. I found some of this interesting, but at
the end of the day, I cant be bothered to actually follow it. For one, Im not a strength or
muscular development level yet that would make any of those things make sense (and some
of them dont make sense to begin with). For another, did any of the strongmen of the past
follow diets this restrictive? I would imagine that most of them didnt. The most common
point among all of them, aside from the regular consumption of stew and beer, is the heavy
consumption of meat. It seems to me that we would do better to look to the past (or in this
to get as big and strong as possible. And besides, while I am certainly aware that too much
of them isnt good for me and while I know others will think differently, personally I am
rather fond of some starch and vegetables in my diet.
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Also, the use of stews as you have described them is appealing on a mental level, and you
have talked about the importance of the mental side of lifting many times. These kind of
traditional stews connect us to the past. When we devour a bowl of chankonabe we can
imagine in ourselves a kinship with the massive sumo; when eating kjotsupa for or medieval
spiced beef stew, we can imagine ourselves as the kin of burly, stone-lifting, sword-swinging
barbarian warriors; when eating borscht we can imagine a connection to gigantic Russian
and Ukrainian badasses who are as strong as the ox that went into that borscht; when eating
monastery gyuvetch we can recall Bulgarias impressive accomplishments in weightlifting;
when we eat Hungarian goulash, we can recall the history of Hungarian badassery, starting
from Attila through the Magyars down all the way to their success at wrestling and weight-
lifting that seems out of proportion to their population and their national wealth; when we
feast on a bowl of khoresht, we can do so thinking that the legendary Rostam e Dastan ate
the same thing before striding forth to do something epic. By recalling the past, whether it is
our own or someone elses, we can better imagine what kind of future we will build. A man
with no past does not know who he is. If he does not know who he is, how can he be ex-
pected to act intelligently? Western lifters are like that. We dont know who we are anymore.
Our ties with our past is frayed. We do not have a very strong national lifting culture. There
are localized instances of strength culture, but even these are not thriving as well as we might
wish. We must build up a culture that celebrates strength, for its own sake and for use, while
at the same time recalling to mind the strength cultures of the past; indeed, we cannot build
new ones without remembering the old ones.
Whether or not its correct, its certainly one of the more well-written and thoughtful emails Ive
ever received. Had I known initially how popular this series would be, Id have been writing about
stews since I started this blog. Apparently, people could not love a human baby as much as they
love stew, even in the middle of the summer. I live in Satans Taint, South Carolina, for instance,
and eat stew daily in spite of the fact that its so hot that my dog appears to just be looking for a
place to lay down and die when we go for walks and the air is so thick with humidity you can ball it
up and eat the shit. When wintertime rolls around, I doubt therell be anything better than stew to
cold, and have thus given up on reheating it while its hot so as not to drop dead of heat exhaustion
while eating.
Fact: Viking women were occasionally impregnated by nothing more than a handshake, so
virile were the men after eating Norse stews.
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As weve seen thus far, pretty much ever corner of the Earth has a stew dish thats immensely pop-
ular, and as I mentioned in the last installment, the best thing of all about stew is that you can make
it out of just about anything. Thus, Ive been experimenting a bit with some simple stews one can
make without going to much, if any effort. One such stew (which is delicious cold, I might add) is
of the ingredients.
Jamies Jesus Fuck, Im Lazy Stew

Serves: 3
Ingredients
1 lb browned stew meat
1/6 bag Beef Flavored 15 Bean Soup
1 can Progresso Beef Barley Soup
1 can Progresso Lentil and Andoulle Soup
Directions
Soak beans overnight in water. Drain the water after soaking (this gets rid of the lectins and other
nasty shit in beans).
Brown the meat in a pan with a bit of oil, seasoning liberally with mojo, chipotle, curry, and adobo.
Dump meat and drippings into crock put with everything else.
Simmer for a few hours
Nutrition per serving

Protein: 46g
Fat: 15.8
Carbs: 43.7g
Fiber: 11.98g
Clearly, it gets no fucking easier than that, and given that it tastes badass cold, theres no reason
not to just bring this shit everywhere you go. Ive more or less abandoned shakes of late out of
boredom with them and love of eating real food, and the simplicity of stews prep and ease of its
transport makes my life immeasurably better. One more day of 6 protein shakes and I was going
not that misplaced- in the last 6 months Ive discovered that there is a considerable portion of the
population who cannot even address a fucking envelope, which makes me feel like we need a few
horse it is. If theres anyone out there who remains unconvinced that stews fucking magical, noth-
ing on Earth will do so at this point.
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Croatian Stew
For the unaware or uninitiated, one might think that the Croats have about as much to do with
awesome as a dairy cow has to do with Hubble Telescope repair. Though theyve had some un-
seemly anger management issues in recent years, the Croats have been hard motherfuckers since
time immemorial. Beginning as the Alans, one of the Sarmatian tribes that drove the man-eating,
scalp-taking Scythians out of existence and dominated all of southern Russia from China to the
Ukraine. In the early part of the 1st century AD, the Alans controlled the Sarmatian confederation
and fucked every group of sword-waving lunatics the ancient world had to offer in the ear on a dai-
ly basis, wrecking the Parthians for fun and annoying the Romans as a matter of course. Later, they
moved into whats now known as Croatia and managed to impress everyone around them enough
to get the massive empires between whom they were wedged to leave them alone just by baring
Having established the Croats come from a long line of hard people, you need only look to three
modern Croats for proof of the power of their stew- Joseph Tito, tho only man to tell Stalin to
Antonio, one of the coolest and most insane strongmen of whom youve never heard but who you
their awesome, and of their love for Jota, the stew-roids source of Croatian physical prowess.
Croatian Jota
Serves 4
Ingredients
200g beans
500g sauerkraut
300g potatoes
500g dried ribs
200g dried bacon
few chopped home made pork sausages
3 heads of garlic
salt
Whole peppercorn
2 fresh bay leaves (which apparently prevents bean farts)
Directions
1. Cook the beans shortly, dry them, and let them cook again.
2. Cook cabbage and ribs separately.
3. When beans are half soft, add them (witht he water) to cabbage and ribs.
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4. Add Laurel leaves, pepper, salt, and chopped bacon,sausages, and garlic.
5. Slice the potato to little cubes and cook it until it all softens.
6. Take out the ribs and serve them on side with the stew.
This is a 4 person serving, but women apparently rarely eat meat and ribs and most often leave it
for men to grab, which sucks for the broads but is awesome for the guys hanging out with them.
On second thought, given that this is what Croatian broads look like, they can keep passing us the
meat:
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Indian Stew
Anyone familiar with my stuff should already be acquainted with the badassery of the Indian
athletes of yore. Indian wrestlers were renown for being unbeatable in the last century, and their
strongmen in the 19th and early 20th Centuries were some of the best in the world. Though its
not frequently discussed, a quick watch of Anthony Bourdains No Reservations Indian episodes
or my blog on Indian diet shows that meat has been a mainstay of the Indian diet right up until the
modern era (not surprisingly, this coincides exactly with the period when they started getting their
shit pushed in by colonialists), and continues to be so for the biggest and the baddest motherfuck-
ers in India. Thus, I give you the most popular of Indias meat stews (at least insofar as I under-
stand it)- vindaloo.
Chicken Vindaloo
Servings: 4-6
Ingredients
Vindaloo Paste
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground turmeric
1 or 2 tsp Garam Masala
1/4 tsp ground cinnamon (you can add more cinnamon, but if can be over-powering, so be careful)
2 tsp mustard powder
1 tsp ground coriander
1 tsp cayenne pepper
2cm cube of peeled ginger
3 tbsp white wine vinegar
1 tsp sugar
Vindaloo Base
150ml vegetable oil
4-8 garlic cloves, crushed or blended
Other Ingredients
de-seed before chopping if you want to make a milder vindaloo (but why?)
4 skinless chicken breasts cut into bite size pieces
500g good quality chopped tomatoes or chopped tinned tomatoes
1-2 tbsp of tomato puree to taste
1-4 tsp Hot Chili Powder to taste This is optional and if you do want to make it hotter, Id sug-
gest adding a bit at a time
Salt and pepper to taste
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Directions
1.
garam masala and cayenne pepper into a bowl and add the vinegar and sugar and mix thoroughly.
2. Heat the oil in a wok or large frying pan. Add the garlic and the onion and cook over a medi-
um heat until they have softened for approx 5-7 mins, but take care not to let them burn or brown
too much.
3. Once the onion and garlic have softened, add the chicken pieces and cook for approx 2-3
minutes until the chicken starts to colour.
4. Now add the chillies, tomatoes, tomato pure, and begin to stir in the pre-prepared Vindaloo
paste.
5. Add salt and pepper to taste, and bring to the boil. Once boiling, lower the heat and simmer
whilst stirring occasionally for approx 1 hour. during this period, its important not to let the chick-
en vindaloo dry out, so add a 1/2 cup of water as necessary. If you do want to make it hotter than
the recipe, then during the simmering time is the right time to gradually add the chilli powder to
taste.
If you wanted to be traditional, you would ideally serve this Chicken Vindaloo with pilau rice, cha-
pattis, or Naan bread I especially like some of the Garlic and Coriander Naans that are available
from most supermarkets, although if you were a bit more adventurous, you could try to make your
own.
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Dutch/South African/Belgian Stew

Before the Dutch just decided to throw down their weapons and surrender to anyone with a water
gun (as they have been wont to do of late), they actually rolled fairly hard. Not hard in a Cossack
sort of way, but hard in a lording-intelligence-over-everyone-while-pointing-a-.44 Magnum-at-
their-faces-and-telling-some-broad-to-get-her-tongue-further-up-their-ass-or-everyone-dies sort
of way. The Belgians and Dutch have long had good bodybuilders and strongmen, and the South
Africans have rolled hard at everything theyve ever done, ever. Dutchmen Ab Wolders, for in-
stance, was a perennial runner up at the Worlds Strongest Man in the 1980s, and Pierre Van Den
Steen blew everyone around the same time away with his ridiculous leanness. South Africa boasts
Gerrit Badenhorst, frequent WSM competitor and former champion powerlifter, in addition to
Arnold Schwarzenneggers idol- former champion bodybuilder and all around badass Reg Park.
Clearly, anyone speaking Dutch or an offshoot thereof has a reasonable chance of being a hard
motherfucker, especially when one factors in such badasses as the Rhodesian Seleous Scouts and
SAS. Their stewroid of choice was Waterzooi, which might be the oddest of all of the stews thus
detailed due to the fact that its pretty much a meat-heavy cream soup.
Waterzooi
Ingredients
1 whole large chicken
4 carrots
3 celery stalks
4 shallots or small onions
Parsley
1 sprig fresh thyme
1 bay leaf
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 leeks
400 grams mushrooms (about 14 ounces)
4 egg yolks
1 cup cream
1 lemon, juiced
2 tablespoon butter
Pinch nutmeg
Directions
Preparation for the stock:
1. Place the chicken in a pot of water, covering the chicken entirely.
2. Add 2 carrots, 2 celery stalks, and 1 onion, cut into approximately 1-inch pieces.
3. Add parsley, thyme and a bay leaf and poach until chicken is cooked. Add salt and pepper, to
taste.
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Preparation of the stew:

1. Cut the remaining carrots, celery, onions into 1-inch sticks and place them in a saucepan with
water to cover.
2. Cut the leeks into 1-inch sticks, slice the mushrooms and add to saucepan.
3. Parboil vegetables in salted water.
4. Take out the chicken when poached (no red color must be seen under the skin) and discard
vegetables from stock.
5.
6. Take the skin off of the chicken and cut chicken into 8 pieces.
7. Put the chicken and the parboiled vegetables into the stock.
8. Mix the egg yolks with the cream and add to the stock.
9. Add the lemon juice and butter. Season with salt, pepper and nutmeg.
Serve in soup plates with boiled potatoes or white steamed rice.
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Senegalese Stew
likely we imagine two half-starved thirteen year-olds blabbering bullshit about Allah while com-
mitting numerous atrocities as part of a daily ritual to lay hands on a bag of moldy rice. Though
neither the introduction of Islam or Western colonization has done a motherfucking thing other
than make the lives of Africans immeasurably worse, theyve managed to hold on to some of the
so fucking cool back in the day. One such tradition is Senegalese wrestling, known in Senegal as
laamb, which is by far and away the most popular sport in the country and has recently drawn the
attention of the West. As you can see above, the lack of modern training facilities isnt hurting the
physiques of the Senegalese, and their strength is attributed to brutal basic training and the dish
the most commonly consumed dish in Senegal and is the preferred fuel for the hours-daily training
for laamb.
Senegalese Thieboudienne / Ceebu Jenn

Serves: 8-12
Ingredients
3 Tilapia cleaned and cut into 4 pieces each
3 bay leaves
1 tablespoon of thyme
2 tablespoon of Afro Fusion Cuisines All Purpose Seasoning

4 ounces of tomato paste
3 lb broken rice (broken one once or twice)

1 cup of oil
salt , black pepper
Vegetables of your choices
2 large carrots root cut into 4 inches pieces
1 eggplant root cut into 4 inches pieces
1 cassava or yucca root cut into 4 inches pieces
3 okra
Instructions
1.
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2. Prepare the special marinade called Nokoss by mixing in a blender all your spices and
herbs
3.
4. Parboil or steam your rice and set aside

5.
onion, tomato paste and plum tomatoes (cook for 5-7mn stirring) .
6.
7.
blend
8.
9. Then remove from the sauce the cooked veggies and add it to the plate.
10. Add the pre-cooked or steamed broken rice to the boiling sauce
11.
of your rice. Your Thieboudienne is ready!
Nigerian Stew
Like Senegal, Nigerias got a tribal sport that make the violent games we grew up with, like Kill the
Cow, for instance, look as violent as a no-touch game of pattycake- dambe. Dudes who compete
in dambe throw more haymakers than drunken hillbillies at a Kenny Chesney concert, and just like
those hillbillies throw them with just one hand. In fact, a quick google search appears to show that
remove someones head Mortal Kombat-style with a punch telegraphed from 1880s London. After
watching a couple of videos, the parallels between hillbillies and dambe end, because while hillbil-
-
less, any sport in which the participants rock out Art One Glove Jimmerson style as if theyre
guessed it- motherfucking stew.
Nigerian Beef and Chicken Stew

Serves 10
Fresh Plum Tomatoes (referred to as Jos Tomatoes in Nigeria) 1.5kg

Tinned tomato paste: 600g (or watery tinned Tomato Puree: 1.2kg)
Vegetable Oil: a generous amount (see this video)
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Whole Chicken (hen) 1.2kg

Beef: 15 pieces of medium cuts
Onions: 2-3 medium bulbs
Habanero Pepper & Salt (to taste)
Seasoning: 3 large stock cubes & Thyme (2 teaspoons)
Notes on the Ingredients

Chicken: Hen (female chicken) is tastier than the cockerel or rooster so it is the preferred
chicken when cooking all Nigerian recipes. Each of the different parts of the chicken (wings,
drumsticks, hips etc) has its own unique taste and all these together makes the stew (and in fact all
your cooking) taste better than if you use only one part of a chicken.
Tomato Stew is fresh puree tomato and the tinned tomato paste that has been boiled and
fried to remove all traces of water and the sour taste of tomatoes. It is the base for the Nigerian
Beef & Chicken Stew.
Directions for the Tomato Stew Base

1. Grind / Blend the chilli pepper and cut the onions into small pieces before you cook Toma-
to Stew
2. Wash and blend the fresh plum tomatoes. Remember to remove the seeds unless you are
sure your blender can grind them very well.
3. If using the thick tinned tomato paste that is common in Nigeria, mix it with cold water to
get a softer consistency. See the video below for how I did this.
4. If you are using the watery tinned tomato puree that is common in Europe and other parts
of the world, open the tins or packets and set these aside, youll need them soon.
5. Cut the onions into small pieces.
Directions for the rest

1. Pour the fresh tomato blend into a pot and cook at high heat till almost all the water has
dried. If you have the watery tinned/boxed tomato puree, add these to the pot and reduce the heat
to low. Cook till the water in the tomato puree have dried as much as possible.
2. Add the vegetable oil, the chopped onions and the thick tomato puree that you mixed in step
2 above (if its the puree you are using). Stir very well.
3. Fry at very low heat and stir at short intervals till the oil has completely separated from the
the oil and it was a smooth mix of the tomato puree and oil. Taste the fried tomato puree to make
sure that the raw tomato taste is gone. With time and experience, you can even tell that the tomato
puree is well fried from the aroma alone.
4. If you are happy with the taste and you are sure that all the water has dried as much as possi-
ble, pour out the excess vegetable oil like I did in this video, then use it in your cooking.
5. If you are not using it immediately, leave to cool down, dish in containers and store in the
freezer.
6. Cut up the chicken and cook with half of the chopped onions, stock cubes and thyme.
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When the chicken is almost done, add the beef and cook till well done. Then add salt, allow to
simmer for about 5 minutes, transfer to a sieve to drain. Grill or fry the chicken and beef. This is
optional but it gives them a rich golden look.
Notes about cooking the chicken: Add water up to the level of the contents of the pot when
cooking the chicken. When cooking chicken, do not add salt to the raw chicken. This is because
salt closes the pores of the chicken (and in fact anything you are cooking), this prevents the natural
entering the chicken to improve the taste. The result is that your chicken stock will not have a rich
done
7. When you are happy that the tomatoes in your tomato stew are well-fried, pour out the ex-
cess oil.
8. Place the pot of tomato stew back on the stove and add the chicken stock (water from cook-
ing the chicken). There may be tiny pieces of bones at the bottom so be careful not to add those.
9. Add the chilli pepper and the grilled chicken and beef. Stir very well and add salt if neces-
sary. You can also add some water at this point if the stew is too thick.
10. Cover the pot and cook at medium heat till the contents of the pot is well steamed. Stir
again and you are done.
Korean Stew
Though theyre not all that well known for being jacked or strong, Koreans eat burn-your-asshole-
spicy soups and stews for almost every single meal. Given that theyre chugging stewroids all the
live-long day, it wont surprise you that Koreans are not the tiny yellow pussies theyre generally
credited with being. Instead, Koreans have a long lineage of being hard motherfuckers, as Korea
for their entire existence to ensure that neither country was able to force them into a massive gimp
suit and rape them with a horse dick-sized dildo until theyre bleeding out of their eyes. To that
end, the Koreans have focused more on martial prowess than strength, and have become some
K-1 and the UFC, boast the unbelievably badass Mas Oyama as one of their own, and have pulled
down a shitload of medals in judo (40), taekwondo (14), boxing (20), wrestling (35), and weightlift-
ing (11), in spite of the fact their country has only 49 million inhabitants and has only existed as a
Page 99
country since 1948 (which means theyve basically got twice as many medals in those sports as the
US when you account for longevity and population). Stew appears, once more, to be the nutrition-
al formula for success if you want to be a fucking badass. Given the frequency with which they eat
stew, its hard to pick a single recipe for their stewroid of choice. As such, Im picking my favorite,
as I could not love a human baby as much as I love bulgogi. In fact, I will only consider myself
wealthy when and if I can hire a Korean man to follow me everywhere i go with a hibachi, con-
stantly grilling bulgogi for my consumption.
Bulgogi Jungol
Serves: 4
Ingredients
2 cups marinated bulgogi
1 onion, cut into strips
2 scallions, chopped
Carrots, cut into strips
1/2 cup bean sprouts
Other bite-sized vegetables (preferable colorful) like peppers and broccoli
1 cup water
1 cup mushrooms of your choice (enoki, shiitake, button or a combination)
1 block tofu
Salt or soy sauce to taste
Noodles, cellophane/dangmyun/sweet potato (optional)
Directions
1. In a soup pot or a large wok, stir fry marinated bulgogi and onion(s) for a couple minutes.
Put ALL the marinade into the pot, do not discard any liquid.
2. Add vegetables (except for mushrooms) and cover with water.
3. Bring to a boil.
4. Reduce to a low simmer.
5. After 5 minutes, add mushrooms, tofu, and scallions.
6. Turn off after 3-4 minutes.
7. Season to taste with salt and soy sauce.
8. If adding noodles, add cellphane (dangmyun) with the mushrooms or add pre-cooked noo-
dles at the end.
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And there you have it- stew is the fucking balls. Its easy to make, easy to transport, and generally
the shit. Like the guy who emailed me stated above, most people make diet and training way too
fucking complicated. You dont need a calculator or an Excel spreadsheet to get jacked. You dont
need gurus telling you what to do, how to eat, or what to think- this shit is too fucking simple. If
youre a person who really needs guidelines because youre nearly retarded, eat twice your body-
weight in protein, make those calories half your daily intake, and if you want to lean out, keep your
carbs low and fats high. If you want to gain weight, split your calories between carbs and fats for
the second half of your caloric intake and eat more total calories. Its not as though Arthur Saxon
or Earle Liederman delved deep into programming and diet- they trained heavy, ate a metric fuck-
ton of food (including a lot of stew), and drank their faces off, just like the Russians, Finns, sumo,
and Icelanders do now. Moreover, if the Indians and Senegalese can get jacked in third world
environments with this type of diet, so can you. Stop thinking about it and just do it- this shit is too
simple to fuck up.
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This is true: the world is better off with some people gone. Our lives
are not all interconnected. That theory is crock. Some people truly do
VEGETARIANISM/VEGANISM
Given that Ive already dealt with veganism in my Skinny Bitch blog, Id think that vegans would
stay the fuck out of my blog, but evidently, thats not the case. Disliking meat is un-American,
inhuman, and downright fucking stupid. For the record, my issue is not with vegans due to their
choice of diets, which while stupid, could simply be the result of a misunderstanding of the human
beings place in the food chain, and an odd, quasi-sexual love for other animals. My issue lies with
their insistence upon proselytizing their idiotic eating regimen, and the perpetuation of outright
lies in regards to human biology, the biology of other great apes, physiology, the entire process of
digestion, and human evolution. As such, allow me to clarify a few points.
Veganism is the outgrowth of the incredibly delusional, anti-sex, anti-fun, evangelical

Christian movements of the 19th century. Seventh Day adventists promoted vegetarian and
This, on its face, is fucking stupid. Theyve since dropped their religious zealotry and ap-
plied that wild-eyed fervor to promoting their dogmatism, in the face of science and reality
in general.
Some common vegan/vegetarian lies:

A
simple google search will show that for all intents and purposes, Pearl and Reeves consumed diets
that consisted mostly of milk and cheese. Pearl ate a couple of dozen eggs a day. Reeves ate meat
weak to perform.
Really? If you dont see that this is patently untrue on its

face, you might be mentally retarded. The total time it takes for a meal to take the entire jour-
ney depends on what was eaten. The time it takes to fully digest a meal is anywhere from 2 hours
to over 24 hours. (http://www.online-health-source.info/Digestive-System/Intro-To-The-Hu-
man-Digestive-System/) Weve known for an extended period of time that meat does not putrefy
in one day- in fact, meat takes nearly a month to rot.
This one is classic, and by classic, I mean insanely

fucking retarded.
Like the hard-core carnivores, we have fairly simple digestive systems well suited to the
consumption of animal protein, which breaks down quickly. Contrary to what your maga-
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zine article says, the human small intestine, at 23 feet, is a little under eight times body length
(assuming a mouth-to-anus body length of three feet). This is about midway between cats
(three times body length), dogs (3-1/2 times), and other well-known meat eaters on the one
hand and plant eaters such as cattle (20 to 1) and horses (12 to 1) on the other. This tends to
support the idea that we are omnivores.
Herbivores also have a variety of specialized digestive organs capable of breaking down
and even plant eaters have to take their time with it. If you were a ruminant (cud eater), for
instance, you might have a stomach with four compartments, enabling you to cough up last
nights alfalfa and chew on it all over again.
Or you might have an enlarged cecum, a sac attached to the intestines, where rabbits and
such store food until their intestinal bacteria have time to do their stuff. Digestion in such
cases takes place by a process of fermentation--bacteria actually eat the cellulose and the
host animal consumes what results, namely bacteria dung. (Straight Dope) You know why
dogs are mans best friend? Because their digestive tract is more like our own than any other
animal on Earth. As such, humans and dogs naturally found themselves competing for the
same food, and developed a symbiosis to do so. By the way, evolutionary scientists draw a
direct link between meat eating and expansion of homo sapiens brain size- was this new
meat diet, full of densely-packed nutrients, that provided the catalyst for human evolution,
particularly the growth of the brain, said Katharine Milton, an authority on primate diet.
Without meat, said Milton, its unlikely that proto humans could have secured enough energy
and nutrition from the plants available in their African environment at that time to evolve
into the active, sociable, intelligent creatures they became. Receding forests would have de-
prived them of the more nutritious leaves and fruits that forest-dwelling primates survive on,
said Milton.
Her thesis complements the discovery last month by UC Berkeley professor Tim White and
others that early human species were butchering and eating animal meat as long ago as 2.5
million years. Miltons article integrates dietary strategy with the evolution of human physiol-
ogy to argue that meat eating was routine. It is published this month in the journal Evolu-
tionary Anthropology (Vol.8, #1) (University of California, Berkeley) (Adams).
Just because you can do something does not necessarily mean you should. Some fucking retard
posted a pic of a single jacked guy whos been a vegetarian for a few years. Yippee. He managed,
against all odds, to build muscle on a vegan diet. Thats not to say that its a good idea, or a good
diet. Peter the Great once drank a shot of vodka every 15 minutes for 8 days straight and some-
how lived through it. Shall we attempt that one as well? Frankly, Id rather do just fucking that.
VEGETARIANISM AND VEGANISM: The Best Indicators of Severe Mental Illness Since
the Tinfoil Hat
When I lived in Tucson, I was entertained on my daily walk to and from class everyday by a woman
who seems to have been the perverse conjuring of HG Wells and Charles Dickens, and then basted
in a delicious Alex Jones-esque broth of irrationality. The woman, whose name I never obtained,
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spent her days not panhandling, and not even badgering passersby, but actually screaming at them
than any of the douchetards on Jersey Shore, and wore a curious amalgamation of actual clothing
and random street detritus that would not have seemed out of place in one the Road Warrior. The
best part, however, was her hair, which was thickly matted dreadlocks that had been spray painted
a rainbow of colors, and then braided with tinfoil. I realize that at this point, the woman sounds
impossibly absurd, but there she was, every day on University Ave., screaming at stop signs, or any-
one standing in front of her. When she was coherent, which was remarkably infrequent, Id ask her
questions. One day, I gave her a dollar, and made her promise me that shed spend it on crack. She
like theyre preparing to gnaw your fucking leg off), replied that one couldnt buy much crack with
a dollar (an astute observation), and stated that she intended to buy green beans. I mentioned that
she could get a burger from Carls Jr. up the street if she had some change, but she replied that she
was a vegetarian.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. I would think that a person used to eating refuse
eating thereafter, which disabused me of my previously held notions about the homeless. I men-
tioned that meat could hardly be worse for her than the shit she was absorbing from all of the paint
on her scalp, but she simply cackled again and stomped off. She was, I assure you, the most formi-
dable vegetarian of all time- fuck Mac Danzig. I would posit, however, that after meeting a variety
of vegetarians and vegans, shes likely not the least sane of the lot, and probably closer to the mean
than the outliers of this ridiculous and thoroughly insane sect of deluded dieters. Luckily, after
screaming at a group of tourists while quite literally foaming at the mouth, she threw a metal trash-
can through a storefront and promptly got the shit kicked out of her by Tucson PD, and I never
saw her again. If only that was a microcosm of the vegetarian community, and they were all locked
A History of Vegetarianism in the Western World

Obviously, vegetarianisms been around awhile in the East, since the Right-Hand Path fuckers in
Buddhism and Hinduism have been studiously avoiding meat for millennia. They didnt blather on
just stayed up in the mountains meditating, too weak to annoy anyone. Thus, I shall focus on those
whove badgered, cajoled, and berated us Westerners through the years, somehow managing to con-
vince people that their diet is both healthy and ethical, the absurdity of which I shall address later
in this post.
The root of this particular mental illness arose, oddly, in Christianity, though its roots go back to
ancient Greece. Prior to its adoption by Christian zealots, it was the diet popularized by the infa-
mous nutbag Pythagoras, who while awesome with triangles, drowned students for making discov-
eries he couldnt while at the same time yammering on about the sacredness of animals lives. Yes,
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even in ancient Greece, vegetarianism was the purview of the completely unhinged. Thereafter,
people who were so super pissed for Jesus that they wanted to starve half to death got in on the
game, discontented with the idea of someone suffering more for another god. For those of you
about to be fulled with righteous indignation, Im not laying this at the feet of your Jewish messiah-
its his followers who are the fucking idiots. Various Christian sects in the Middle Ages practiced
asceticism and vegetarianism, but they were by and large wiped out in short order by Torquemadas
-
tion again and decided that it mustve been cool, because pre-Christians did it, and they had central
heating, unlike people in the Renaissance (actually, they didnt know it, but the Romans really did
have central heating, about which Western civilization apparently forgot until the 18th and 19th
centuries, as they were too busy slaughtering heretics and getting the plague).
Vegetarianism wasnt really all that big a deal in the Renaissance, however, and was pretty much
vegetarians as a pioneer of this era is Leonardo Da Vinci, which is pretty fucking amusing, because
its based on little more than hope. People will try to tell you he was an avowed vegetarian, which is
awesome, given that their staunch belief in this fact is based on one sentence written about him-
-
drea Corsali, to one of Da Vincis patrons, and was not echoed in any other writing by or about Da
Vinci. Though the evidence there is about as thin as a monomolecular blade out of a Warhammer
book, vegetarians will yell all day long about how the smartest man ever was a vegetarian, but given
with a grain of salt. And a steak.
Post-Renaissance, the mantle of vegetarianism was taken up by those parties I mentioned before,
the religious zealots. Unconvinced that life sucks enough without suffering deprivation that would
make modern-day Rwanda seem like a fucking Hedonism cruise ship, these fuckers got busy mak-
ing life really suck, and decided to deprive themselves of sex, sleep, meat, and leisure time. Oh, Im
not exaggerating, fuckers. The Ephrata Cloister, founded in 1732 by one of the biggest assholes in
the entire span of human history, Conrad Beissel, believed just that. Beissel, fuckhead that he was,
decided that people were living just a little bit too cushy in an era where smallpox was running ram-
and established the Cloister in Lancaster, Pa. People living there were sworn to celibacy and vege-
tarianism, had to sleep on wooden benches with wooden blocks as pillows, and were allowed two 3
hour blocks of sleep a night, interrupted by a two hour period in which they had to go outside and
homeless, jobless guy from ancient Mesopotamia who hung out with a whore and got people ham-
of the way he lived, apparently. Way to think it through, guys.
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William Cowherd (17631816) founded the Vegetarian Society in England in 1809. This is consid-
-
ian Society and IVU). Though you and I would assume that the abstention was simply resultant to
the precipitous drop in testosterone suffered by anyone who adopts a vegetarian diet, I guess these
morons wanted to hedge their bets. Thereafter, the Seventh-Day Adventists were founded, and
they spawned a massive shitshow of vegetarianism that led to the modern vegetarian movement.
Foremost among their progeny was Sylvester Graham (July 5, 1794 September 11, 1851), who ad-
vocated a nearly vegan diet consisting of whole grains, fruits, and veggies, and preached abstinence
from both sex and masturbation throughout his life. While he did invent Graham crackers, this was
the only positive thing the Presbyterian minister did in his short, shitty, sexless life. According to
and milk, which he believed to be the cause of sexual urges. In fact, he claimed animal byproducts
produced lust; Grahamism thus rejected meat, animal byproducts, and alcohol in order to develop
a purer mind and body, in addition to white bread, feather beds, pork, tobacco, salt, condiments,
tight corsets, nocturnal emissions, heavy clothing, and hot mince pie. So, the only thing that could
help you in a life bereft of meat, masturbation, seasoned food, and sex would be to be so fucking
hammered, at all times, that you thought you were dead, but that was out for him as well. Wow.
Graham was followed shortly by another Adventist, John Harvey Kellogg (February 26, 1852
December 14, 1943). Grahams foundation paid Kelloggs way through medical school, presumable
to foment further interest in removing any and all pleasure from ones life in an effort to attain a
mythical purity of soul. As expected, Kellogg followed in Grahams footsteps, echoing the same
diet and anti-sex, anti-masturbation nonsense. When not prescribing daily yogurt enemas, Kellogg
was busy NEVER FUCKING HIS WIFE OF 40 YEARS, giving circumcisions sans anesthetic to
teenage boys to curb unnatural urges or sewing their foreskins closed, and for the love of fuck,
applying pure carbolic acid to the clitoris as a means of allaying abnormal excitement in broads.
Yes, these are the people who have brought the world vegetarianism. Note, by the way, that they
were not vegetarians because they thought it was natural, or because they thought it was necessar-
ily the healthiest way to eat. They ate that way because they either loved animals too much to eat
them, or because (ignoring the New Testament altogether... but Christians never cherry-pick verses,
do they?) the Jewish God says in Genesis Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed...to
-
an, but a lack of tangible evidence isnt stopping the likes of David Icke, Alex Jones, Barbara Boxer,
or vegetarians!
The best way to kill a vegetarian is to just sit back and watch him (or her in the case of the
aforementioned lunatic broad) slowly starve, but alternatively, you could rip the arms off
of his fallacious arguments and beat them to death with them.
VEGETARIANISM AND VEGANISM 2: As Logical As A Poopie-Flavored Lollipop

Page 106
In the last installment of this series, I outlined the long and storied history of dietarily-indicated
mental illness, which manifests as vegetarianism. The history of vegetarianism in the US is one
predicated entirely upon religious fervor, asexuality (or in the case of Kellogg, klismaphilia that left
healthy. Alternatively, it was predicated upon a love for all living creatures, which although mis-
placed, was at least the more rational of the two bases for this dietary regime. Now well examine
the modern vegetarians vociferous claims about the superiority of their health with this dietary
regime, in the face of reality, common sense, and essentially every fact since the dawn of the re-
corded human word. Though this is the rhetorical equivalent of kicking a quadrapalegic baby, this,
like kicking the baby, is simply too much fun up with which to pass. I refuse to end a sentence with
a preposition, no matter how ridiculous it makes the sentence.
Vegetarian arguments:
Similarity to other primates, who eat less than 5% of their calories in the form of meat. Im sure
that it goes without saying that this list makes you angry enough to headbutt a dog. As dogs are
cool, Id not advise it, because headbutting dogs generally leads to a massive loss of testosterone
points. Unless, of course, its a chihuahua or other purse dog, in which case its a massive gain of
testosterone points if you cook and eat the animal after headbutting it to death. Purse dogs are not
dogs, because dogs, by their very nature, capture and kill squirrels. Therefore, if a dog could lose
a one-on-one battle with a tree-dwelling rodent, it is not a dog, and may be killed and eaten at will.
Similarity to other primates is immaterial, because we diverged from our closest primate relatives
millions of years ago. The main feature lacking in the chart above, which is bandied about whole-
sale by idiot vegetarians the world around, as theyre too fucking weak and lazy to do any research
off the internet, and too stupid to engage in any critical thinking, is GUT SIZE. Ever see a goril-
la at the zoo? Theyre frugivores, which is what were allegedly supposed to be, according to the
tree-hugging, estrogenic lunatics running every vegetarian website on the planet. Gorillas have gi-
gantic guts, which are necessary for them, due to the fact that all of the vegetation they eat needs to
ferment as part of the digestive process. Stomach size is markedly different between us and other
great apes- humans stomach small intestine, and colon are 10-24%, 56-67%, and 17-23% of total
gut volume in humans, while for orangs and chimps it is 17-20%, 23-28%, 52-54% in orangs and
chimps, respectively. In other words, they have massive colons to support fermentation of vegeta-
tion, whereas we have comparatively large stomachs, to digest more meat.(Milton, 100-102) Hu-
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mans and chimps split from the same ancestral tree 2.5 million years ago, and spurred on the path
to a belly 40% smaller than the mostly vegetarian chimpanzee, and a brain 3 times larger. (Cordain,
38) Thus, even though early hominids had teeth very similar to the modern gorilla (Ungar, 43),
modern humans have changed drastically.
There is no more authoritative source on anthropological issues than paleontologist Dr.

Richard Leakey, who explains what anyone who has taken an introductory physiology
course might have discerned intuitively--that humans are herbivores. Leakey notes that
Post).
of affairs that Richard Leakey somehow got caught up in this. Neanderthals unequivocally ate a
diet that consisted of virtually nothing but meat- 10000-12000 calories of it a day. They also lacked
sharp teeth and claws, but guess what? They didnt need them, because THEY HAD STONE
TOOLS. In fact, hominids have been using tools for over 2 million years- plenty of time for them
to develop the requisite biology for the digestion of meat (Science Daily). Neanderthals had even
bigger brains than modern humans, which is important due to the fact that their diet was so heav-
ily meat-based, and the metabolic requirements of larger brains would necessitate calorically-dense
food consumption, which means they had to eat meat, or theyd fucking die. This is why gorillas
are lazy motherfuckers, and exhibit very little social interaction, whereas humans have shit like
Facebook, because they honestly believe they need a level of social interaction and personal in-
volvement with near-perfect strangers that would make the worlds greatest narcissists of bygone
eras seem comparatively humble (Milton, 104). The adoption of carnivory by Oldowan hominins
can be linked directly to the evolution of the hominin brain and social systems, according to Robert
Blumenschine, and the very fact that this was facilitated by the use of stone tools distinguishes us
from non-human primates, as their lack of tool use limits the usefulness of their predation (Ungar,
167-168).
Plant eating creatures have the longest lifespans.

Really? Not according to scientists who study humans. According to scientists at USC, the
meat-adaptive gene, known as ApoE3, is unique to humans and is a variant of the cholesterol
the brain and arteries. (Futurity) Additionally, the average lifespan of a crocodile is between 50
and 100 years, and whales live up to 200 years... which pretty much just takes an elephant-sized shit
on the vegetarian animal lifespan theory.
Although vegetarianism and Christianity used to go hand in hand, vegetarianism is now
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the de facto diet of atheist radicals of the anarcho-communist/feminist/any asshole with a

beret-ist variety, so perhaps a little evolutionary science for them...
People who read books know a fact that vegetarians do not- that at one point in history, the Earths
total population of humans dropped to between 5,000 and 10,000 individuals, due to the eruption
of Mt. Toba in Sumatra, which killed off most of the available plant and animal life on Earth in
Africa that escaped glaciation, where they subsisted on a diet that was approximately 50-70% meat
and 50-30% plants, respectively. This diet was necessitated by the die-off of plants and animals,
and the lack of a varied diet that could have been otherwise obtained though plant gathering. It
was at this time that the Neanderthal diet came to consist of naught but meat, due to the complete
lack of availability of edible vegetation, which likely lasted for at least 1000 years (Plants/climate).
If the fact that humanity was forced to subsist on a diet of primarily meat for over 1000 years is
compelling, perhaps the size of our brains is. Ive already covered the fact that our encephalization
necessitates the consumption of calorically dense foods, especially given the fact that our bodies
are comparatively small (so we have less room for the digestion of low-energy foods). Many an-
thropologists attribute the massive increase in hominid brain size over the last 4 million years with
the introduction of far more meat into their diets, which began with homo erectus and continued
with modern humans. Others believe that it was the consumption of seafood, rife with Omega-3
fatty acids, that spawned this explosion in cranial capacity. Either way, it was the consumption of
meat that led to human encephalization. A new theory has recently arisen, grabbed hold of like a
life jacket on the Titanic as the veggies watch their inane theory sink like that ill-fated shitheap of
a boat, that tuber played a role in human encephalization. Comically, none of them have actually
read the study on which theyre now basing an argument shakier than a Jenga tower in an earth-
quake, as one of the proponents of this theory, Harvard anthropologist Richard Wrangham, be-
lieves that his evidence for this theory is scanty.
Famous Athletes?
trotted out for you. The list, as you can imagine, is just as wrong as feeding soy formula to a male
baby is- horribly, horribly wrong. Bill Pearl and Andreas Cahling are held aloft as two bodybuilders
who ate no animal protein and yet succeeded at their sport. These two men, however, ate a fucking
boatload of animal protein at every meal. They might not have been sitting down to a steak thatd
choke John Candys fat ass to death, but Pearl ate a couple of dozen eggs a day and drank fuck-
ing GALLONS of milk a day, while Cahling ate nothing but open faced goat cheese sandwiches.
(peep it) Mind you, Cahling was a shitty bodybuilder, but thats beside the point. Tony Gonzalez
abandoned veganism after a month of sucking, and Prince Fielder became a vegan after reading SB
promptly (only to be blasted in the press as his batting average dropped lower than his daily protein
-
ple, of whom youve likely heard of none, and for good reason- theyve not done anything worth
Page 109
more than a list of ten people, and far more accomplished people, at that, to proffer as proof of
the legitimacy of this diet. Oh, and to the ten people who are going to shout : Mac Danzig could
kick your ass! SUCK IT. If a 140 lb vegan would kick my ass in the octagon, I suppose Id de-
serve the beating I received.
The Verdict
Vegetarianism is clearly only embraced by people with severe mental illnesses who are also attention
whores. They wish to foist their idiocy upon others due to the fact that they feel tremendously in-
secure about the poor life decisions theyve made, and are incapable of defending themselves from
the predations of others due to their poor dietary decisions. As such, theyll attempt to convince
anyone softheaded enough to be snowed by their half-baked arguments that theyre correct, in the
face of mountains of evidence to the contrary. As such, my friends, I believe its high time we send
them to the camps, where they belong.
MAKE IT FUCKING STOP! The Skinny Bitches Are Back

First, given the inevitable bitching that has probably already commenced, allow me to proffer the
reasoning behind this post. I was standing in line at Bed, Bath and Beyond, waiting to return an
air mattress, blithely unaware that the Skinny Bitch phenomenon had continued past their 15 min-
utes of initial fame. There, I overheard two portly housewives discuss the relative merits of a drink
mixer called SkinnyGirl (which is apparently in no way related to the Skinny Bitch books, but is the
product of some reality tv whores vanity). This turned into a discussion about how theyd both
stopped eating meat due to the Skinny Bitch books, and how everyone (wink wink nod nod) who
-
ing to stand idly by while anyone talks shit, especially in the South where I hate everyone, and these
Type 2 diabetes cows werent going to titter over their Mint Juleps about how they got over on me.
disagreed, and assured me I should read their book for men. I was struck dumb by the fact that I
such bullshit, but I resolved to read this fucking book to see what lies were contained therein.
Here is what I found:

1. The publisher Running Press has neither fact-checkers, nor editors with any background
in biology or chemistry, and apparently everyone in their organization is bereft of conscience and
soul.
2.
-
ish what they started- namely, to destroy the human race. While that goal seems to have merit on
its face, theyre not doing it in a cool way at all- nowhere are there zombies, robots, zombie-robot
Page 110
cyborg hybrids, hemorrhagic plagues, internecine strife, or even a good ol nuke. Instead, they are
trying to bring about humanitys downfall in the least cool way possible- by rendering us so impo-
tent and weak that we simply die out of self-loathing and the sort of malaise that can only come
humanitys transformation into the Eloi without any of the mechanisms necessary to support their
bullshit society.
Thus, weve had thrust upon us the guide to the coming apocalypse... Skinny Bastard. Clocking in at
a touch over two hundred pages, it provides comprehensive coverage of some of the most impres-
sive stupidity and willful ignorance ever committed to the printed page. In support of their out-
landish nutritional theories, the Bitches have offered some of the most astonishing non- and pseu-
and hatred for intelligent discourse and humanity in general.
with no business writing a book about anything compiled a bunch of factoids gleaned from vegan
their readers to stop being pussies... while not eating meat. Amidst their incessant rejoinders about
what it takes to be a real man, a phenomenon about which women should probably refrain from
giving advice anyway, they recommend that men drink red wine and herbal teas while abstaining
from meat and doing some brisk cardio as their roadmap to manliness. That just happened. Yup-
while making the authors of the ill-conceived Alpha Male Challenge (see the blog about this pile of
horseshit here) look like paradigms of manliness, the Skinny Bitches managed to outdo their previ-
ous effort throughout the book. Additionally, the SBs seem to think that the liberal use of the word
fuck validates their ridiculous foray into male diet advice, casually tossing the word about in spite
erectile function, instead using the nomenclature of small children to make their point, a la stick
or cockadoodledoo. I am not making that up. This book literally left me speechless.
The long version: Its hard to know where to start with a book that Ive got to pick apart page by
page, so Ill just start at the beginning, and Ill hit the high points as bullets for ease of reading. Be-
fore you get too far into it, you might want to check out this blog on pH, since the Bitches blather
on about it incessantly.
Alcohol raises the level of hydrochloric acid in your stomach, wreaking havoc on your di-
(11).
One hardly knows where to begin with gems such as these. Someone might want to inform the
Bitches that hydrochloric acid is always present in ones stomach- it helps break down food in the
stomach. One thing hydrochloric acid doesnt do, however, is have anything whatsoever to do with
the absorption of alcohol, which is done through the stomach lining and the intestines. We actu-
ally produce an enzyme to reduce the amount of alcohol our body absorbs, but HCLs got exactly
Page 111
appear to be allergic reactions, especially IN PEOPLE WHO ALREADY HAVE ASTHMA), beer
and hard alcohol might actually be good for you... and in more than a they get me laid kind of
way. Japanese researchers tested varying doses of isohumulones (the bitter component of beer)
on pre-diabetic rats in three different doses and found that 2 of the doses led to reduced fasting
blood glucose levels, and a third led to reduced bodyfat and weight (Obara). Happily, I hate both
beer and wine, both of which one study showed raised estrogen and SHBG (Sex Hormone Binding
Globulin) (Gavaler), but am a big fan of liquor. Liquor has been shown in a couple of studies to
that drinking wine does in fact make you a bitch... in more ways than one, and that drinking liquor
try to get their idiot friends to follow them. Unfortunately, theyve all thus far refused to die.
Citrus fruits are alkalizing because theyre high in potassium and calcium and alkaline
(33).
If youre not already amused because potassium and calcium are alkaline salts, you should be.
Prepare, however, to become more amused- citrus fruits arent even ranked among top calcium or
potassium rich foods... but various meats are. Given that one major problem they have with meat
before, so theres no sense in starting now, I suppose.
(13-14).
Yep- the Bitches hate coffee because it contains caffeine, which they assert will cause you problems
ranging from headaches to diarrhea to cortisol spikes, and a wide array of bullshit in between, while
simultaneously allowing you to trumpet to the world that youre a big bitch because you need
stimulants to get you out of bed. Additionally, the SBs contend, willfully ignorant of any and all
studies ever conducted on coffee, that coffee will make you fat due to the fact that your body will
form a protective layer of fat around your organs to fend off the evil acid in the coffee. Frankly,
Im at a loss to even scratch the surface of what they might be on about here- do they think cof-
fees simply dumped into your system on top of your organs? That our internal systems are setup
like an ancient Roman sewer? Have they heard of the circulatory system? Simply astonishing. In-
stead, manly men should drink caffeine free herbal tea, because if women see you drinking tea,
proven performance enhancer while getting fat, publicly emasculating myself, and drinking some-
thing that tastes like stewed cow shit.
-
fee, for the sake of education, sanity, and to take a break from the wild-eyed idiocy proffered by the
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Silly Bitches. Coffee drinkers are:

less likely to have type 2 diabetes, Parkinsons disease, and dementia (Osterweil)
have fewer cases of certain cancers, heart rhythm problems, and strokes (Ibid)
less likely to contract prostate cancer (Wilson et al)
enhancement to alertness to mental acuity. In short, stimulants fucking rule.
(but no mention is made of HFCS)(12-13, and an

entire chapter later in the book).
According to the Silly Bitches, just about every evil perpetrated in the world in the last 50 years was
committed at the hands of Searle for the purpose of promoting their Nutrasweet products, and in
collusion with the US government. This is patently ridiculous for a variety of reasons, not the least
of which being that the US government is far more complicit in supporting Big Agriculture than
Big Pharma. In retrospect, given that Searle was purchased by Monsanto when Donald Rumsfeld
was the CEO, they might have a case to make, but no mention was made of that, and most of their
beef with Searle predates Rummys tenure. They contend that due to the US governments support
of and evil doings with major US pharmaceutical companies (of which theres hardly any doubt,
in my mind, but theyre off base here) that Searle was able to push Nutrasweet/aspartame through
testing and get it approved by all of the national agencies in charge of food additives. Just about
all of the claims made about Nutrasweet are bullshit, however, and have been proven to be so over
and over. If you dont believe me, go here and read the sources cited, and if youre too lazy to do
that, just check out the study wherein MIT debunked the Nutrasweet bullshit. In addition to failing
to conduct even a simple search of unbiased sources (which Id imagine at this point would causes
those idiots to seize, crack, and bleed out), they failed to recognize that the US government would
pharma companies dont get farm subsidies. As such, these broads have again proven themselves
to be fucking retarded, as theyre focusing on the gnat in their ear instead of the guy pounding their
ass like they were Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction.
(36), citing a guy named Lesley
They go on recommend a protein level of Body Weight x .36, which provides a large margin of
safety.
Safety from what, you might ask? Their support of this statement was all over the map, ranging
from the old wives tale about protein and renal failure, to a supposition that low carb diets have
been linked with low testosterone levels, based on an uncited study. I found the study, however, and
they and their soft-headed vegan compatriots all seem to have read the fucking thing incorrectly...
likely because a diet the consists of naught but gruel is hardly conducive to deep analytical thinking.
Instead of showing that a high protein diet led to low testosterone levels, the study showed that a
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diet high in polyunsaturated fat led to low testosterone levels. Rob Faigin was nice enough to point
that little nugget out in , and I thought Id reiterate it for you guys (Fa-
igin, 329-30).
Onto that old bullshit about high protein diets and renal failure... again, the Bitches research skills
dont extend beyond ancient and patently ridiculous sources. For those of you who are blissfully
unaware of that argument, it goes that high protein (and ketogenic diets in particular) cause renal
failure. The Bitches are more wrong than R. Kelly pissing in the mouth of a 14 year old. Kid-
ney function adapts to increased protein consumption and in some cases functions better than on
know, science, and the fact that an entire robust and virile people have thrived for centuries on that
diet, the Silly Bitches will continue to assert that a high protein diet will kill you outright and forth-
with, and youll dissolve in a muddle of acidic muck . Theyll do this because theyre whores... they
forgot because theyre stupid.
FINISHING OFF THE SKINNY BITCHES

If you repeat a lie enough times, someone will eventually believe it- its human nature. This is how
random bullshit over time has come to be common knowledge, and thus fact, in spite of the fact
that its undeniably and incontrovertibly untrue. The idea that people once believed the Earth was
the Earth is round is total bullshit. People has known for centuries that the world was round- Er-
atosthenes even gave its exact size and axial tilt in the third century BC. It wasnt until the modern
-
ment over evolution. The Protestants, in an effort to make the Catholics look like assholes, spread
bombing the shit out of each other in Ireland, so they fell back on a bit of academic libel. Some-
how (*cough* because people are stupid) this theory spread and became fact, in spite of the fact
that no educated Westerner since the 3rd Century BCE ever supported the Flat Earth theory.
In much the same way, the Skinny Bitches propagate vegetarian and vegan myths, touting them
They cite Cald-

well B. Esselstyn for this gem. In his excretory release , this alleged
doctor of medicine claims that there is irrefutable evidence that humans thrive on a plant-based,
oil-free diet. Piling another log atop their Mt. Everest-sized pile of horseshit, the Silly Bitches al-
lege, as they did in their previous opus that even if our hominid predecessors did eat a meat-based
diet, it doesnt matter because they looked like friggin apes and had massive heads, strong jaws,
and brute strength. Man was a different animal then (40).
If your mind isnt fucking blown by this, allow me to explain why it should be. First, the two
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points, made on the same page, directly contravene one another- on the one hand, were evolved
to eat the same diet rabbits and other vegan rodents enjoy, and on the other, it doesnt matter if
we may have evolved from meat eaters, as our hominid ancestors were brutish savages. This, my
friends, is exactly what Tucker Max likes to call prototypical whore logic (and what those of us
who dont want to be stabbed in our sleep refer to as girl logic). In the same way that a woman
will simultaneously whine about being hungry for three hours and refuse to eat anything you of-
fer her to shut her up, the Silly Bitches make a point and then directly contradict that point with a
theyd have known that the Robust hominids (like Paranthropus Robustus and Australopiticus Bo-
-
tion. In other words, they had the giant jaws because they were vegetarians. They were not, how-
ever, physically imposing specimens, and they are extremely distant human ancestors. The most
recent ancestors to homo sapiens sapiens (modern humans) are homo neanderthalensis (Nean-
derthals) and homo sapiens (Cro-Magnon Man). According to every recent archaeological source
carnivores as any primate has ever been.(Bones, New study) Thus, the Bitches were about as
wrong as humanly possible, which is sort of their forte.
On a side note, long-time readers of this blog have by now gathered that I have little use
for the government, and trust them about as much as Id trust John Wayne Gacy in a home
for runaway homosexual teenagers. Though Im not much of a conspiracy theorist, and am
generally wary of Truthers, followers of Alex Jones, or anyone who thinks that David Icke
is even marginally sane, its interesting to note that vegan advocate Caldwell B. Esselstyn is
a member of Skull and Bones, the secret society that pretty much every crackpot on Earth
links with the New World Order. Ive mentioned before that I think that the US govern-
ment advocates low-protein diets to make us more docile, and vegan diets (notoriously low
in protein) mirror those used by cults to aid in thought reform.(Brainwashing, Born-Again
Brainwashing) Coincidence? Probably, but its an amusing anecdote.
Carrying on with their evolution logic, they used the same tired biology arguments used by other
vegans, like the fact that carnivores have saliva with ten times more hydrochloric acid and much
shorter intestines than do humans.
I hope that anyone with the ability to form a cogent thought immediately sees through the wild-
eyed ignorance of biology that these sorts of statements require. I know of no academic on Earth
who will assert, for instance, that humans are pure carnivores. The only land mammal of which
I can think offhand that is a pure carnivore is a feline, and even they end up eating grains when
people keep them as pets (though it fucks them up all to be damned). This is an important point,
because this sort of an argument is little more than a vegetarian strawman- it leaves out omnivores
like pigs. Pigs, for those of you who dont know, eat just about anything, including people.
You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look
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like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out
for the sake of the piggies digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you dont
want to go sievin through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You
pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That
expression, as greedy as a pig (Brick Top).
The reason why kids in high school dissect pigs is due to the remarkable similarity between the
digestive tract of pigs and that of humans. Neither pigs nor humans have the ability to digest plant
cellulose (which herbivores do through fermentation), and this is an excellent sign that theyre not
pure herbivores. Ill go on, but the subject frankly bores the living shit out of me- Id rather argue
physics with a 10 year old kid with Downs Syndrome than bother trying to explain comparative
anatomy to a vegetarian. Everything they know comes from websites, and every one of those web-
sites cites (well, reprint, because theyre apparently too exhausted from malnutrition to bother with
academic citations) the exact same retarded source (Fit Food For Men, by AD Andrews). It looks
like this:
Meat-eaters: have claws

Herbivores: no claws
Humans: no claws
Meat-eaters: have no skin pores and perspire through the tongue

Herbivores: perspire through skin pores
Humans: perspire through skin pores
Meat-eaters:
Herbivores:
Humans:
long to bother with typing. Google canine dentition (they have molars) and polar bear molars- Po-
lar bears are considered pure carnivores, and have molars.]
Meat-eaters: have intestinal tract that is only 3 times their body length so that rapidly decaying
meat can pass through quickly
Herbivores: have intestinal tract 10-12 times their body length.
Humans: have intestinal tract 10-12 times their body length. [Actually, the human intestine is 6-7m
long, making it roughly three times as long as the human body] (Length)
Meat-eaters: have strong hydrochloric acid in stomach to digest meat

Herbivores: have stomach acid that is 20 times weaker than that of a meat-eater
Humans: have stomach acid that is 20 times weaker than that of a meat-eater. [Actually, human
gastric acid has a pH of 3.8, and is strong enough to dissolve human teeth] (Matsou)
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Meat-eaters: salivary glands in mouth not needed to pre-digest grains and fruits.
Herbivores: well-developed salivary glands which are necessary to pre-digest grains and fruits
Humans: well-developed salivary glands, which are necessary to pre-digest, grains and fruits
Meat-eaters: have acid saliva with no enzyme ptyalin to pre-digest grains

Herbivores: have alkaline saliva with ptyalin to pre-digest grains
Humans: have alkaline saliva with ptyalin to pre-digest grains [Actually, there is little difference be-
tween the pH of mammalian saliva between species. These idiots apparently think that Alien blood
drips from the mouths of housecats]
Fantastic, isnt it? They managed to construct an entire argument rebutting a claim no thinking per-
son has ever made (that humans are carnivores) while asserting something even more preposterous.
motherfucker. Apparently, theyve all just wanted me to ram a fucking baguette down their throats
and send them on their merry way. Oh, and the book cited in that chart? It doesnt exist. Nor
does the author. The publisher renamed itself the National Health Association, and boasts eight
members, none of whom is A.D. Andrews... because that motherfucker doesnt exist. Well played,
vegans!
Lastly, the Silly Bitches embarrass themselves with a list of tough-ass motherfuckers who are
vegetarians or vegans. This list includes a bunch of endurance athletes, Stan Price (world re-
cord holder in the bench press), Ridgely Abele (8x national karate champ), Sushil Kumar (bronze
medalist wrestler), Make Danzig and Jake Shields, Tony Gonzalez and Desmond Howard, and Bill
Pearl and Andreas Cahling. Unsurprisingly, this list is jam fucking packed with bullshit. My bull-
shit-o-meter peaked with Stan Price, who unsurprisingly doesnt exist, much less hold a record in
powerlifting. Moving on, Bill Pearl and Andreas Cahling ate a fucking boatload of animal protein
at every meal. They might not have been sitting down to a steak thatd choke John Candys fat ass
to death, but Pearl ate a couple of dozen eggs a day and drank fucking GALLONS of milk a day,
while Cahling ate nothing but open faced goat cheese sandwiches. (Dynamic Bodies) Ridgely Abele
diet. Given that its a karate association bereft of a single Japanese name in their hall of fame, Im
betting they arent terribly competitive. Shields eats milk products and protein, and recently got his
ass kicked in by a meat eater. Sushil Kumar, like most Hindus, drinks an absolutely absurd amount
of milk and eats cans of ghee when training.(Sushil) For those of you who are unaware, ghee is
pretty much unholy- you make it my cooking off butter until all of the water is boiled off and
nothing but fat and protein remains. For any of you whove roomed with a Hindu, you know that
it smells godawful and tastes about as good as it smells. Back to the list- Tony Gonzalez recom-
mends in his own book, the All-Pro Diet, that people should eat grass-fed beef and chicken, which
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-
able vegan badass is Mac Danzig, and hes an admittedly recent convert to the diet as a result of
working at a factory farm.(Peta)
In short, the Silly Bitches are entirely full of shit, and simply repeat the same tired bullshit theyve
heard out of other idiot vegans to serve a purpose I cannot possibly ascertain. Quite frank-
ly, I doubt they could articulate their reasoning either. Should you want information on being a
healthy vegan, check out Mike Mahler, who outlines Mac Danzigs diet here and has an array of
kettlebell videos shot in his backyard. His dog looks pretty cool, which is at least a good start for
being a believable authority on anything whatsoever. As for the Bitches, Im pretty sure theyre the
reason why Muslims stone broads.
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I tried to make meat loaf out of the girl but it becomes too frustrat-
ing a task and instead I spend the afternoon smearing her meat all over
PHYTO/XENOESTROGENS:
The mythology of the Devil is actually pretty fascinating. Im not going to spend an hour recount-
ing the entire etymology of the word Satan, the historical concept of the Devil, or pantheistic de-
monology, though I assure you, that shit is tremendously interesting. Once youve followed every
link you can from that one, youll have a clear understanding of what the Devil represents- pure
evil. Across every Mediterranean-based religion since ancient Egypt, however, theres existed a ma-
levolent energy or god with which people then and now have concerned themselves. Innumerable
methods have been articulated for ridding themselves of this evil, ranging from exorcisms to jihad
to a hell of a lot of prayer. Im not advocating any of that, and Im informing you about a much
greater evil than the entity who is conventionally referred to as the Devil- Im referring to soy.
Would an exorcism help? Likely not, but there are some executives at Ralston-Purina and DuPont
who could do with some stabbing.
For those of you who are unaware, theres currently a massive push to get soy into the diets of
Americans, allegedly due to the magical health-improving effects of the soybean. Apparently pos-
years of age, and never get cancer due to their constant inhalation of so, various special interest
groups have funded studies alleging this beans magical properties. This is, of course, utter horse-
shit. Americans eat far more soy, per capita, than any other people on Earth.
In 2005, Americans ate 25,261,750 tons of soy. That breaks down to 0.0852255847
tons of soy a year (25,261,750/296,410,404), or 170 lbs a year. The Chinese, by com-
parison, ate only (50957450 / 1315844000) 0.0387260572 tons per person, or 77 lbs.
This is fucking retarded. (Swivel for the soy, and Wikipedia for the population)
According to health activist and occasional kook Joseph Mercola, soy may increase the risk of
breast cancer in women, brain damage in both men and women, and abnormalities in infants,
contribute to thyroid disorders (especially in women), promote kidney stones, weaken the immune
hormones that have been shown to have an estrogenic effect on the body (it mimics the actions of
estrogen, which reduces test levels and inhibit muscular hypertrophy (Ivy, 128). Biological changes
-
vones. Soy also contains phytic acid, an anti-nutrient that blocks the uptake of calcium, zinc, and
magnesium. Low zinc throws copper levels out of balance, and high levels of copper can depress
thyroid function (Tacchi, 81-82).
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This shit is not anything that should come as a surprise to anyone who knows anything about Pa-
leolithic dieting. Many beans contain toxic compounds designed to dissuade animals from eating
them, and soybeans are no different. Raw soybeans contain antienzymes, hemagglutinin, phytates
and goitrogens, all which will have varying effects on people based on the biological individuality,
claims, having eaten soy your entire lives, and immense amounts of it. Before you get too haughty,
consider this- Americans are fatter, less libidinous, weaker, and more pathetic than ever, and were
eating unprecedented amounts of soy.
they line the pockets of politicians who also hate you and are looking for ways to make you more
dependent on them, so that the politicians will do what theyd do on their own a little more quickly.
According to Joseph Mercola, soy began in the US as a product that in 1913 was listed in the U.S.
Department of Agriculture as an industrial product, rather than a food (Mercola). Although the
soybean was introduced in the US a couple centuries prior to that, it didnt really carry much weight
until it was picked up by none other than Henry Ford as a super-bean he primarily used to make
plastics and textiles- Ford bragged that two bushels of soybeans went into each car he sold, and
having been beaten by DuPonts nylon, but illustrates the fact that soy was initially considered to be
primarily for industrial use. Fords experimentation with soy milk eventually led to Ralston-Purinas
widespread use of soy in animal feed, due in large part to the fact that soy is incredibly cheap to
farm and process.
As the years passed, and soy made its slow transition into the American diet, that industry received
-
of the crucial problems facing humanity and the communication of such problems to the most im-
portant public and private decision makers as well as to the general public (Wikipedia). The Club
produced their seminal work in 1972, called the , which was essentially a dire predic-
tion that the Earths industrialized societies would collapse under their own weight and the com-
bined scarcity of petroleum and food. This book was an outgrowth of the Malthusian catastrophe
theory of Thomas Malthus, which was originally foreseen to be a forced return to subsistence-lev-
el conditions once population growth had outpaced agricultural production, and it led to a variety
works in this genre are , by Anthony Burgess, and by Harry

Harrison, both of which depict a future Earth plagued by overpopulation. Both books are fuck-
Soylent Green. From works like these, people picked up the notion that meat would eventually be
in the last 30 years for evidence of this) and nearly all of which prophesied that soy would be the
meat of the future.
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This momentum made it easy for companies like Ralston-Purina and DuPont to ramp up their soy
of shit that they are, eventually changed the protein rating systems to make soy look good, which
afforded those companies the opportunity to make ridiculous claims about the bioavailability of
soy (Body Opus, 76). Lobbyists are the reason there are so many different rating systems for pro-
tein- not scientists. To wit, there are the following rating systems for protein:
Biological value (BV)
Net protein Utilization (NPU)
Nitrogen Balance (NB)

Protein digestibility (PD)
Protein Digestibility Corrected Amino Acid Score (PDCAAS)
Just within BV, you can get two different rankings for protein, one of which places soy at the same
level as whey for bio-availability, and another that ranks it at about 3/4 of whey. PDCAAS is the
newest, and thus ranks soy on par with egg, whey, and casein, while NPU, one of the oldest, ranks
whey at 92 and soy at 61. Suspicious? I sure as fuck am.
SOY IS THE DEVIL, AND NOT IN A FUN WAY, 22 1/2

For those of you who hadnt yet noticed, this blog focuses on the unconventional. As such, soys
a pretty good topic for investigation, as its a fairly unorthodox source of protein for a non-her-
bivore. Given that both sides of the soy debate have dragged out their gigantic, Goebbels-esque
propaganda machines, investigation of this issue gets even more interesting. On one side you have
vegetarians, the government, and massive chemical-agricultural companies. These groups obviously
have a vested interest in disinformation and obfuscation of any evidence pointing to the idea that
soy is deleterious for ones health, and a very pointed interest in painting soy as the ultimate pro-
tein source. Derek Poundstone claims to eat soy protein in massive quantities, which makes sense,
given that hes sponsored by DuPont, who just built a new soy processing plant- the man makes
chicken shakes... hes not getting 25% of his fucking protein from beans. Think it through. On
the other side of the debate, youve got a bunch of people who are afraid of growing man-tits, and
have seen enough studies showing soy to cause health problems to be rightfully scared, especially
given that our current living environment is literally awash in xenoestrogens.
Did You Know? Female urine is high in estrogen, especially if theyre on the pill. As such,
make sure youre taking anti-estrogens if you let chicks piss in your mouth on a regular basis.
To wit, heres what happens when animals are exposed to high levels of environmental estrogens:
alarm bell for the dangers of pollutants and estrogen-like compounds in U.S. rivers, where
millions of Americans get their drinking water, environmental experts say.
A recent survey of bass in the Potomac River, a major tributary in the nations capital, found
almost 100 percent of the smallmouth bass species were feminized, or had eggs in their tes-
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tes. In largemouth bass the incidence of feminization was lower, but still highly prevalent.
Some evidence has suggested the chemicals also have a cumulative effect -- at low concentra-
Kolpin examines a multitude of chemicals considered emerging contaminants, and some

of the most egregious offenders are pills, which may also contain estrogen-like compounds.
said. Consumers get little guidance as to how to dispose of unused medication.
areas of emerging contaminant pollution. (Dellamore)
In another study:
In one lake, he explains, they treated it with the pharmaceutical thats in most birth con-
trol, in a concentration of six parts per trillion -- similar to what we often see in wastewater
the females couldnt make eggs, and the males were so busy making female protein that they
werent making any sperm.
Shit like this is why I think we should all don our fucking tinfoil hats and say fuck the soy- weve
got enough xenoestrogens in our water to make us impotent anyway. Have you noticed at the de-
gree to which infertility and erectile dysfunction has risen and birthrates have dropped in the devel-
oped world recently? Why add insult to injury? And what are the studies showing these insults?
In one study of 42 healthy adult males, Diets were isoenergetic, with either 150 g lean meat or 290
g tofu daily providing an equivalent amount of macronutrients, with only the source of protein dif-
fering between the two diets. Each diet lasted for 4 weeks, with a 2-week interval between interven-
tions. Blood concentrations of sex hormones did not differ after the two diets, but the mean tes-
tosterone : oestradiol value was 10% higher after the meat diet. SHBG was 3% higher; whereas the
-
tion between the difference in SHBG and testosterone : oestradiol and weight change (Habito et
al). This means that, at the very least, your test levels will be higher on a diet eating meat, even if
soy doesnt lower your test levels.
In another study describes the short-term effects of dietary phytoestrogens on regulatory behaviors
(food/water intake, locomotor activity and body weight), prostate weight, prostate 5alpha-reductase
enzyme activity, reproductive hormone levels, and testicular steroidogenic acute regulatory peptide
(StAR) levels in adult Sprague-Dawley rats. Animals were fed either a phytoestrogen-rich diet con-
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diet. After 5 weeks of consuming these diets, plasma phytoestrogen levels were 35 times higher in
animals fed the phytoestrogen-rich vs phytoestrogen-free diets. Body and prostate weights were
lower in the animals fed the phytoestrogen-rich diet compared with animals fed the phytoestro-
gen-free diet. (Weber, et al) The rub? Sounds like a diet high in phytoestrogens lowers your test
providing evidence for some effects of soy protein on hormones. (Dillingham et al) A study of
69 Japanese men and soy protein also found a inverse correlation between soy intake and testoster-
one, however minor, and found that soy product intake may be associated with the endogenous
hormone levels in Japanese men (Nagata, et al).
So, what about that estrogen? For those of you who are unaware, soy has been prescribed to
menopausal women for years as an alternative to estrogen supplements. Let me restate that- soy
is considered to be herbal estrogen. Why, then, would the supplement companies claim its not
estrogenic? It either is, or it isnt. Instead, the soy industry talks out of both side of their mouths,
and no one seems to give a fuck. Women who are pregnant are warned to avoid high doses of
plant estrogen according to a site about breast cancer, and scientists also caution women who
have estrogen receptor positive (ER+) breast cancer that phytoestrogens may not be safe. Intrigu-
ing- now soys not even good for chicks, due to the fact that its super fucking estrogenic(Flax). A
-
curs in early, mid, or late life), tissue type (breast or brain, for example), and dose(Yates). Positive
content is lower in fermented soy products, which is what the Japanese typically eat, than in unfer-
mented products (like soy protein), which means that if you want to eat the soy in your miso soup,
a fucking highway to hell (Chien et al).
For those skeptics out there who still insist that the anti-soy campaign is nothing but ridiculous
scare tactics, I challenge you to identify for whom these tactics are working. Propaganda does not
exist without a motive, and I fail to see one inherent in this movement, as theres no danger what-
soever of the meat-farming industry going belly up. Thus, think of this what you will, but I know
that the only estrogens I plan to ingest are in female urine... provided I have Clomid on hand.
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Youre a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play
STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT PH BALANCED IS HORSESHIT
themselves continually preoccupied with an odd facet of their bodys state of being- their internal
pH. PH, for those of you who are blissfully unaware, or who slept through several years of sci-
ence classes and who have never owned a pool, is a measure of how acidic or basic a substance is.
Measurement of pH ranges from 0-14, where 0-6 is acidic, 7 is neutral, and 8-14 is alkaline. Still
confused? Battery acid is a 1, vinegar is a 3, bloods a 7.5, ammonias an 11.5, and household lye is a
14. According to naturopaths, a bodys pH measurement in the 7-7.5 range represents good health.
6-6.5, youre slightly acidic, and above 7.5 means you are either in good health or you suffer from
low protein. Amusingly, it can also mean that your internal environment is acidic, but that you have
Of note, before I continue, is that it is rare that your blood pH will match your urines pH. This
will become important later, when were examining the various deleterious effects ascribed to ones
-
tion, which actually has nothing at all to do with your pH- it has to do with your hydration. When
you piss, youre excreting nitrates (nitrogen and oxygen). Ammonia is comprised of nitrogen and
hydrogen, so what youre smelling is high amounts of bonded hydrogen, which occurs when youre
dehydrated, or when your liver stops functioning. Amusingly, ammonias pH is 11.5, so it would
seem to any rational person that if your piss smells like ammonia, your body is trying to acidify
your system by shedding a substance with a super alkaline pH (Alkaline urine, usually containing bi-
carbonate-carbonic acid buffer, is normally excreted when there is an excess of base or alkali in the
body (Urine pH). According to QuackWatch, Acid-base status is commonly measured at hospital
is acidic or alkaline enough in a mixed diet to produce long-lasting changes in the bodys acid-base
balance(Barrett).
Sounds fucking stupid already, right?
It gets better. The following is a comprehensive list of bad shit that can happen to you if youre
overly acidic, by system (Vasey 36-39, Kliment 16-17):
Intestinal
Diarrhea
Rectal bleeding (HOLY FUCK!)
Cramps
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Colitis
Respiratory
Runny Nose
Chills
Frequent Colds (prevented, according to Linus Pauling, by Vitamin C. Which is acidic.
Hmmm.)
Laryngitis
Allergies
Hair/Nails
Thin Nails (Nails are made of protein. Thus, if your nails are thin, guess whats lacking in
your diet?)
White Spots on Nails
Dull Hair with split ends (Try washing your fucking hair and taking EFAs)
Kidney/Bladder
Acidic Urine (if it burns when you pee, you have VD. The end.)
Irritation of Urethra (an itchy urethra? If a man has an itchy urethra, nothing should fuck-
ing stop him from getting to the hospital, stat, because its highly likely that his cocks about to fall
the fuck off)
Excessive urination (uh... thats normally attributed to excessive hydration)
Kidney and bladder stones
Skin
Acidic sweat (this means youre an alien, and the only things that can kill you are Sigourney
Weaver and Predators. Fucking spot on.)
Dry skin (EFAs. Or maybe its just WINTERTIME!)
Irritated in Sweat Regions (what the fuck?)
Itches (dry skin)

Pimples (could be attributed to anything)
Eczema (aka hereditary DRY SKIN)
Muscles
Leg cramps/spasms (maybe you just squatted?)
Stiff Neck (caused by sitting at a desk)
Generalized aching
Skeletal
Rheumatism
Arthritis
Sciatica
Herniated disk
Tendinitis
Mineral and Calcium depletion
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Osteoporosis (caused by menopause, generally)
Brittle bones
Gout
Circulatory
Tendency to Feel Cold (same, or youre a woman)
Chilblain (caused by cold weather and heredity)

Rapid heartbeat
Endocrine
Exhaustion
Genitals
Vaginal discharge (VD, yeast infection, or shes a squirter!)

Nervous
Sensitivity to pain (aka, youre a pussy)
Migrant nerve pain
Insomnia
Tennis Elbow (caused, fucking obviously, by overuse of the forearm in a particular and
repetitive way)
loss of drive/enthusiasm
depression
irritability
nervousness/stress
a pale face
headaches
acidic saliva (again, youre an alien, which is awesome)

loose teeth (brush them, idiot)
mouth ulcers
cracks at corners of lips
cavities (caused by carbohydrate digestion, not acid)
gastritis
ulcers
Thats a hell of a comprehensive and oddly repetitive list. Nearly every one of those issues has a
that gout in particular has been linked to acidic foods, so Ill give them that, osteoporosis (Sebas-
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plague a person, so as to sell you on the fact that, at its core, meat is the root of all evil.
-
other is anti-meat. Heres a comparison of acid and alkaline foods, as offered by Vasey (52-53, 57):
By the way, I forgot to add carbonated drinks (carbonic acid), coffee, tea, cocoa, wine, and all con-
diments. Vasey contends that proteins form uric and phosphoric acid, fats convert to fatty acids
and acetyl acetic acid, and carbohydrates convert to pyruvic and succinic acid (the bad ones are the
protein and fat ones- Vasey states that the strong ones come from animal proteins and the weak
acids come from veggie sources) ( 10, 39).
None of these motherfuckers can get their shit together, however, and are constantly at odds over
the details of their pseudoscience. From author to author, these recommendations change, which is
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a boatload of fun. Loren Cordain jumped in though, and offered the following:
Loren makes an amusing point thereafter- the acid and base loads of various foods, on which nu-
tritionists base their pH diets, is derived from analyzing food ash. Raise your hand if your body
reduces food to ash!
Anyone?
I thought not. Thus, these numbers are all but useless. From the three books on acid-base diets that
Ive read, heres what Ive determined:
1. anyone who touts a pH diet hates meat.
2. anyone who touts a pH diet knows nothing about nutrition.
3. anyone who touts a pH diet lacks the ability to think critically
a person could have a neutral pH load, and thereafter realized the whole fucking thing is pointless
and idiotic. Instead, I came up with the following: If youre worried about your systemic pH, eat
green things every day. Then, avoid any person who touts these diets like the fucking plague.
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My name is Patrick Bateman. Im 27 years old. I believe in taking care of

myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if
my face is a little puffy Ill put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches.
I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser
lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey al-
mond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an
herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the
rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol,
because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moistur-
lotion.
SUPPLEMENTATION
YO DOG! I WANNA LOOK LIKE YOU!
Certainly, one of the most annoying questions ever posed to me by strangers is this: What supple-
ments do you take? Not Damn, bro, what kind of program are you on? or How many times
a week do you squat? or what program will work best for me? Instead, its what supplements
do I need to take to grow/shred/whatever. Its a fucking disgrace. Supplements hone a physique,
polish a physique, and assist your training. They are not the end all, be all.
This douche just needs to lift some weights and not worry about taking Cell-Tech, or whatever else
is the supp of the week.
That stated, heres what I take/have taken:

Greens
Psyllium Husk
number, but I want to get at least 50g a day for the health of my digestive tract.
Probiotics & Digestive Enzymes- Also great for keeping the digestive tract healthy, especially
given the ridiculously high amounts of protein I consume.
Dessicated Liver- Filled with B-vitamins, and it covers the paucity of organ meats in my diet.
Milk Thistle- Cleanse the liver from binge drinking and supplement usage.
Animal Pak / Vitastak / Myovite multivitamins- Mutlipack vitamins seem to offer the best pro-
tection against holes in your dietary regimen.
Omega 3 Fatty Acids
Phenibut- Designed by the Russians for use by cosmonauts in space, this shit is great both as a
sleep aid in higher doses and an anti-anxiety compound in lower doses.
Blended Protein Powder- I like the slow-acting blends because they leave me less hungry and I
get a steady release of protein into my bloodstream.
Whey protein powder- I often have whey for post workout protein, early morning protein, and
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Ultramet
Fat Burner- Ive bounced around from fat burner to fat burner, and am of course now partial to
Cannibal Inferno, as I designed it to be my ultimate fat burner. For those of you concerned by the
Carb Rite and Quest Bars- Both of these bars are ultra low-carb and reasonably high in protein,
which makes them ideal for my diet.
Nootropics- As a general rule, I take noopept, dendrobium, and aniracetam to aid in memory re-
If I were to list the absolute essentials, theyd be Animal Stack, a fat burner, and a blended protein
powders. Ive gotten great results with just those, they balance out any diet, and they turn you into
a fat burning superhuman.
Shit Ive found to be totally useless:

any MuscleTech product
any product with a name that emulates a steroid
HMB
Any non-stimulant based fat burners.
Though I dont really have a handle on raising the dead yet, Ive got a couple of other tidbits to
share with you from time to time, which my friends typically pass on to me as they know I will try
just about anything to become superhuman.
Todays odd herbal concoctions consist of remedies for joint health after severe trauma and one for
depression. I personally dont get depressed, but tried one of the supplements as a kind of herb-
al adderal and it worked, and then suggested it to someone who was coming off Cymbalta and it
worked like a fucking charm.
When faced with a serious joint injury, like my broken bone spur/torn tricep surgery a couple of
years ago, I do the following: take 3 grams of MSM, 1500 mg. of Vitamin C, a handful of a good
digestive enzyme like Wobenzyme or Medizyme, and 5 grams of L-Glutamine, on an empty stom-
ach, thrice daily. Swelling and pain go bye-bye, and doctors marvel at your striking resemblance to
Wolverine.
As for the other, Ive got two ways to go with it. First, combine a Biotest Spike with a serving of
Happy Pills for a sort of herbal Adderal. Alternatively, you could take a combination of sulbuti-
amine, choline, and any of the racetam family you so choose (I prefer 20mg Noopept and 1.5g
Aniracetam). Either will wake you up and focus you nicely. Great for working on a massive tome
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of strength training and nutrition knowledge. Good stuff.
The second way is to take a serving of Happy Pills in the morning, and a serving of SAMe at night,
which will apparently work like Cymbalta, but without the inability to show emotion or generally
get excited about anything at all, haha. Another option is Phenibut, a compound developed in Rus-
sia that improves mood and reduces anxiety at low doses and acts as an excellent sleep aid at higher
shit and you should be right as rain the next morning.
The other day, I was walking around in a shopping center that contained a Golds gym. I happened
-
out gear emblazoned with Under Armor and Abercrombie logos. Without going any further, I
could tell they were useless douches, simply by their manner of dress, but I was bored, so I listened
in on their conversation. The conversation, as it turned out, was solid gold- it centered around their
brutal workout of machine-based exercises, and their need to get their protein shakes to facilitate
recuperation therefrom. It was, at its core, a conversation worthy of the very pinnacle of douch-
baggery, the likes of which I rarely see.
Never mind the fact that these fucking retards believed that they had just conducted a workout
worthy of inclusion in the trials of Hercules- they believed that the workout was utterly worthless
without their post-workout nutrition. Theyve been snowed by the magazines and the supplement
companies to believe that without the proper supplements, they cannot achieve physical greatness.
THAT IS UTTER BULLSHIT.
Certainly, supplements can help, and Ive spent a considerable amount of time detailing those that I
think are worthwhile. Thats not to state, however, that they are in any way essential. Plenty of peo-
ple throughout history have built massive physiques without the aid of supplements, through little
more than big eating and big lifting. What supplements do is speed the process, and help undo the
deleterious effects of bad eating habits and sloth, in addition to centuries of shitty breeding habits
for most of us.
The most important thing, in my opinion, is your training. Thats because Im primarily concerned
with the development of strength, and muscle as a secondary effect. We all know that you cannot
really out-train a bad diet, but all the dieting in the world isnt going to build strength and muscle
without training. Therefore, training is the bedrock of C&P. Follow that with diet. If you eat like
is the inclusion of supplements in your regime.
Hermann Goerner never took a supplement. Of that much, I can assure you. That didnt stop
him from deadlifting an epic 727 lbs. with one fucking hand. Throughout the ages, the world has
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produced a wide variety of heavily muscled, bad motherfuckers, like Hermann Goerner, Milo of
Croton, every single athlete who sat for a Greek or Roman statue, Punjabi wrestlers, etc. They all
focused on two things, instead of supplementation (though they all dabbled in a variety of odd
supplements throughout the ages):
TRAINING AND DIET.
What , then, should you include? Ive covered it above, but protein and a multi are the bedrock of
your supplementation, NOT CREATINE. For some reason, every sloppy motherfucker on the
planet seems to think that creatine is the essential ingredient into any workout program, to the
exclusion of every other fucking thing of which you could think, including heavy squats and dead-
lifts. Creatine isnt fucking magic- in fact, if you eat red meat on a regular basis, its basically useless,
because red meat contains plenty of creatine. And your body can only absorb so much of it Fur-
To recap:
TRAIN FUCKING HARD.
EAT LIKE A CAVEMAN.
STOP YAMMERING ABOUT INCONSEQUENTIAL SHIT, AND LIFT SOME
MORE.
REPEAT.
Homer Simpson: I only eat food in bar form. When you concentrate food, you unleash its awesome pow-
er, Im told. Thats why Im compressing 5 pounds of spaghetti into a handy mouth-sized bar.
(eats it, then dials phone)
Thats about the long and the short of it. The fact that something is in a health food store, or is
branded as a supplement, does not make it good for you, and does not mean that its going to help
you get stronger, more muscular, or leaner. People consistently fail to realize this fact, due to igno-
rance of what healthy is, because theyre snowed by marketing, and because they are simply too
fucking stupid to know the difference.
Though Homer seems like a fucking retard for having the idea that any food in a bar form is good
for him, there are plenty of motherfuckers running around who erroneously think that the follow-
ing are worth consuming:
Clif Bars
food contains a whopping 21 g of sugar weighed against a paltry 9 g of protein. As if that were
not enough of a nutritional ass-raping, the Clif Bar is chock full of man-tit and limp-cock making
soy, which is just what every man needs in his life. But the sugar comes from brown rice syrup
you say? Go fuck yourself. Sugars come in many forms, and guess what- THEYRE STILL SUG-
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AR. The source of the sugar is negligible when youre consuming 21g in a go, especially when its
consumed with Soy Protein Isolate, Organic Roasted Soybeans, Organic Soy Flour, Soy White
Chocolate, and Organic Soy Butter. Soy white chocolate? What kind of fucking evil, man-hating
fucking hates you.
Did I mention they also make a Builders Bar that contains 20g of protein? Yup. Not only is the
Organic Oat Fiber, and Soy Lecithin. Yippee! If you happen to look them up, out of morbid curi-
osity, youll see they contain chicory syrup and chicory. Chicory is essentially poor-mans coffee,
term (non GRAS and non- CFR compliant) for high fructose syrup. I dont know what Clif looks
like, but Id imagine its a lot like this:
Balance Bars
Trust meat some point, weve all grabbed one in a time of catabolism and scarfed it down, in
hope that it will at least provide us with enough muscle-sparing properties to get us to real food.
and 30% fat, so it has to be okay for you, right? Wrong, fuckface. That diet is spawned by the same
mindset of mediocrity that produced the alleged television comedy show Reba and artistical-
ly disinclined, noisome, aural nightmare that is Muzak, both of which are proof that the gods all
hate us. Theyre marginally better than Clif bars, in that they contain 13g of protein, but they still
contain 16g of sugar, and 7g of fat. Six grams of that nutritional shit show comes from soy, and
the source of sugars is high maltose corn syrup and sugar. If thats not enough, these three fuckers
below apparently love Balance Bars so much that theyre willing to endorse them on bodybuilding.
Youre fat better off getting a Quarter Pounder from McDonalds, frankly- theres no sugar, no soy,
costs the same, and youre getting 24g of protein. Plus, you wont have to associate yourself with
douchebags who eat Balance bars.
Power Bar Protein+

Im sure it goes without saying that these bars taste like shit. Anyone whos ever had the grave mis-
fortune to try a powerbar has instantly regretted the decision. Well, with the Protein+ bar, you can
protein in them, but they also contain 19g of sugar, and the ubiquitous soy protein with which we
are perpetually plagued.
Promax Bars
Anytime theres more sugar in the thing youre eating than protein, its not fucking healthy. Promax
can take their 20 grams of protein and stuff them up their undoubtedly fat asses, because eaters of
these fucking things get to choose between diabetes and obesity at the end of their lives, or maybe
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get a bit of both. Twenty eight grams of sugar? What the fuck were they thinking?
Any Brownie Sold in a Health Food Store, with the notable exception of the Met-Rx
brownie
Brownies are not healthy, no matter where theyre sold. If you eat Glennys 100 Calorie Brownies,
you are a fucking idiot for a couple of reasons.
1. You suck at math. They claim to contain 100 calories. 40 come from fat, apparently, in spite
of the fact that they allegedly contain 4g of fat, which would be 36 calories (9 per gram, dummy).
Well put that idiocy aside for a moment and look at the carbs (12g) and protein (4 g). First, well
-
is 104. Thus, for a variety of reasons, Glenny is a liar, and probably a syphilitic whore, and you are
mathematically retarded.
2. Theyre full to the fucking brim of soy. Enjoy your nonexistent libido.
While Im on the subject, those 100 calorie snack things you invariably see women eating are fuck-
ing stupid. 100 calories of Doritos is still 100 calories of bullshit. Additionally, Ive never seen a
woman eat just one of the fucking things. Eating multiple small servings is the same thing as eating
one big fucking serving, the exception being that the small servings all have their own packaging,
which creates more trash, and is worse for the environment. Apparently, the simpletons eating
those things hate everyone else as much as they hate themselves. Thanks, fatasses.
Think before you eat, fuckers.
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Im creative, Im young, unscrupulous, highly motivated, highly

skilled. In essence what Im saying is that society cannot afford to lose
TESTOSTERONE BOOSTING
HOW TO RAISE YOUR TEST LEVELS LIKE A FUCKING CAVEMAN
One of the most often asked questions at Ye Olde Vitamin Shoppe is regarding that of testoster-
one levels, and how to raise them. I used to get marks coming in daily asking about Prime, Halo-
drol, etc., and they all want to know how to raise their test levels.
THIS JUST IN: Steroids work. The laughably pathetic excuses for prohormones on the mar-
ket these days dont work. If they do work, theyre not prohormones at all- theyre either designer
steroids or extremely old steroids not in production when steroids were criminalized in the 1990s.
Chlorodrol, Superdrol, Winavar, M14ADD, DMZ, Cyanostane, etc. all fall under this category.
not steroids. Frankly, you would be better off laying hands on illegal gear from a reputable source
and doing it right if youre going to do it, as youll get better gains and fewer sides than you will
with the legal stuff. As for the stuff you see on the shelves at your local big box supplement
store, however, its worse than useless and not worth spending money on for any reason. If it
worked, none of those stores would have insurance enough to carry it.
But wait, young padawan... There is a way to raise your test levels, get some GPP in, and
Studies have shown conclusively that ejaculations lead to marked increases in serum testos-
terone levels. The more you cum, the higher your test levels! One study done on rats by the Insti-
tuto de Neuroetologia, Universidad Veracruzana, Xalapa, Ver., Mexico showed that after 2 ejacula-
tions there was a steep rise in serum testosterone and remained higher even after 4 ejaculations in a
row! Then after you lift, your test levels are elevated, so you get in your postworkout shake, or my
favorite, Tri-O-Plex Chocolate Chip Cookies. When you get home, bang your girl, or your buddys
girl, rub one out, or just club a random broad over the head and drag her into the bushes for a min-
I have a rock solid rule- no matter what is going on in my life, I get off a bare minimum of three
times a day, and more if I can. Many, many more times, if I can. I apply the same philosophy to sex
that I do to lifting- more is better, and much more is MUCH better. As such, I stay lean as hell, and
I fucking SWEAT testosterone.
Higher testosterone levels mean better protein synthesis, more aggression, less bodyfat,
and basically make you a bigger badass. Throw on top of that the GPP you get from jerk-
ing it, or fucking, and youve got a combo made in the ninth circle of hell, a place I will
undoubtedly call home one day.
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YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH TESTOSTERONE, SERIOUSLY

Have you ever been at a county fair, minding your own business, eating one of those 5 lb turkey
legs and debating on whether the freakshow would be worth the $10 admission, when all of the
sudden youre accosted by a drunken Irishman screaming Blacks the white of my eye! Who here
will tell me that its fucking not? Did you notice a massive all-in brawl thereafter, with a bunch of
people kicking the fuck out of one another simply for the sake of a good round of fustigation?
No?
Thats likely because modern testosterone levels are depressingly low. Though that shit used to
sadly gone the way of the cocaine-infused soft drink and personal freedom in general. In fact,
-
er men too; a man born in 1970, for example, had about 20 percent less testosterone at 35 than a
man of his fathers generation at the same age (Newswire). Though people might wonder why
this is occurring, its pretty easy to see that the shift to eunuchs from actual males is a bit of social
engineering by the state- the combination of environmental toxins, government subsidized estro-
gen supplements in the form of soy, criminalization of manly pastimes, and the criminalization of
nearly any exogenous substance clinically proven to raise test levels (while estrogenic substances
like weed are being decriminalized) would put this ball of shit squarely in the governments court.
Sweden actually took it a step further, mandating that couples would lose two months of maternity
leave unless the father was the one who took it. This, of course, in spite of the fact that men cant
fucking breastfeed, can they? Oh wait, they can. A spate of articles written in the last ten years
attest to this fact.
In spite of the multitudinous articles written of late demonizing testosterone as the root of all evil,
and a carefully constructed international psychosis regarding the use of testosterone enhancing
substances, testosterone is actually a tremendously good thing. It improves, among other things
(Pennebaker and McKay):
vocabulary (most notably words with more than 6 letters)
sex drive
aggression
physical strength
longevity
competitive spirit
metabolism
energy
... all the while reducing the levels of bullshit in your life like (Pennebaker):
depression
anxiety
preoccupation with money
thoughts of death
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In other words, testosterone is all that is good in the world. Ive detailed a wide array of methods
for increasing your testosterone in previous blogs and Ive got a few new additions to the mix listed
below:
1. Win, and root for winners. Testosterone increases in winners, helping them to push harder
for greater advantage, while reducing in losers to protect them from further losses (Bates). Root-
ing for losers also results in a marked reduction in test levels, so maybe its time to burn your Lions
jersey and pick a team that might win a Super Bowl sometime in the next fucking century. Does
this revelation mean you should arm wrestle your sister? Fuck yeah! Actually, ripping your little
siblings arm out of the socket is a fucking stupid idea. Make a habit of winning and rooting for
front of you in the future. Incidentally, that would make you a cuckold. In Italy, throwing the goat
at someone is an illegal hand signal indicating that the recipient is a cuckold, so if youre at a metal
2. Take longer rest periods in between sets. One study showed that taking rest periods of
two minutes raised test levels, while rest periods of one minute raised GH levels (Rahimi et al).
Frankly, this seems fucking silly to me, as other studies have shown that test and GH levels are pos-
itively correlated. For the slow kids, that means if you raise one, you raise the other (Faigin 11).
3. Be fucking aggressive. Doing aggressive shit makes you more aggressive, and testosterone
is positively correlated with aggression. As such, you can literally become a perpetual motion ma-
chine of awesomeness if you structure your life right- playing Call of Duty while listening to death
metal and punching a heavy bag might make your balls double in size in one hour. Actually, thats
hyperbole, but that would be fucking awesome if it was true (Patterson and Anderson).
On a side note, blacks the white of my eye, is a defunct sailors phrase that indicates
indignant rebuttal of a charge of misdemeanor and that all he has just said is the truth,
More ideas, from past blogs:

Handle a gun. This makes you more aggressive, presumably because youre holding the
sum total of violent intent form every pre-gunpowder generation in your bare hands.
Colors like red and black can boost your test levels, as theyre awesome. Frankly, any-
thing associated with the A-Team should make any red-blooded Americans cock hard.
Being alone in a room with a woman
-
ly unfuckable as to cause you to consider them fodder for a trip to the camps, but apparently aver-
age looking women will do.
Enjoyable music increases dopamine levels, and dopamine levels are positively correlat-
ed with testosterone levels, so music you like (i.e. metal) will probably increase your test levels.
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Additional random facts Ive recently learned about testosterone:

The tears of women lower test levels in men. This is ironic, given that Genghis Khan
fucked more than any other human being on Earth, and he claimed The greatest pleasure is to
vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear
to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters.
research. Interestingly, the scent of tears made men think fuck that bitch rather than I want to
fuck that bitch or awwwwww. Additionally, I found it odd that the mere sight of a crying wom-
en was found to be sexually unappealing and created a drop in test, given that Ive not seen a decent
deep throat scene in my life that didnt involve some tears. And slapping. And vomiting.
Im pretty sure this makes me a bad person. Luckily, my test levels are high enough that I dont
care.
Changing gears, competition has been shown in studies to increase test levels in women. That may
or may not have something to do with the aforementioned oddity, but Ill leave that for you people
to decide. Prior to competition, womens test levels raise far more than do their male counterparts,
an average of 49% increase as opposed to a 15% increase in men. As such, it might behoove those
and stronger as a result.
HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE- BEHOLD THE !

-
en. My faith in humanity, what little was left, has been rent asunder, thrown into a sewer, and shit
upon by albino rats the size of bull terriers. How could this be, though? Isnt this a book about
Alpha Males? A call to arms for the last few ass-kicking, maidenhood-stealing, life-ruining, brig-
andage-loving, rough motherfuckers full of spit and vinegar to band together to wipe out the pseu-
do-males who currently surround us and confound our every effort to enjoy our lives?
Nope. Its a handbook for total pussies to follow so they can ape the real men, while refraining
from actually engaging in any behavior Alpha males might enjoy. To wit, heres an actual bit of
Q&A from the book:
be coached into becoming an alpha- it doesnt work. An alpha naturally leads. He naturally does
what he fucking wants, and knocks the shit out of anything standing betwixt himself and the thing
he wants, be it pussy or the contents of a bank vault. He doesnt require coaching reminiscent of
The Secret to hope for what he wants, and he sure as shit doesnt use terms like Alpha Empa-
thy.
Page 138
This book, folks, is a tragedy of epic fucking proportions. Allow me to elucidate.
To begin, the book opens with a mealy-mouthed plea for men to stop being pussies, all the while
giving a laundry list of excuses for why the men to whom theyre appealing act like menopausal
women. The authors, James Villepigue and Rick Collins, blame the stress of modern life for the
paucity of testosterone running through the veins of American men, and offers them a challenge
in the form of a positive and empowering call to action. Sluts and motherfuckers, we are off to a
shit-show of a start. They do, however, pause to give you a list of things you should not do if you
want to keep your test levels up. They are as follows, with my parenthetical addendums:
DO NOT MARRY (UNLESS YOU PLAN ON BEING A SWINGER). Test levels decline
after marriage because the male is no longer competing for the attention of his mate (5).
DONT GET OLD OR FAT (UNLESS YOURE JACKING A SHITLOAD OF TEST). 1/3
of men over the age of 45 have clinically low testosterone levels, and the odds of low testosterone
are 2.4 times higher in obese men. Additionally, test levels drop 1-2% a year after the age of 35, so
you need to adjust your supplementation regimes accordingly (4).
DO NOT, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THATS HOLY, HAVE (LEGITIMATE) CHILDREN. Physi-
cally active males average 8 hours of exercise a week (pussies). Those with children, however, aver-
age a paltry 3.5 (3).
DO NOT LIVE IN THIS CENTURY (UNLESS TRIBULUS IS A CORNERSTONE OF
YOUR SUPPLEMENTATION REGIME). A study in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and
Metabolism showed a progressive decline in testosterone levels in men since 1987, and another
study shows a steady drop in semen quality since it began being studied in 1934 (7).
After those tidbits, however, the shit-show begins in earnest. Collins, whos an expert in steroid
litigation and legality, and Villepigue, whos an expert in posing with his arms crossed, then call
violent, assertive bad boys faux alpha males, and suggests that becoming an Alpha will allow
you to be a better person and a better citizen, a better father and husband, a better co-worker or
a better boss, [and] a better caretaker of yourself and those around you. HOLY HORSESHIT,
BATMAN! Lets list some legendary alpha males and their credentials, shall we?
Teddy Roosevelt. Insanely pissed off and motivated, he organized his own private army to join
the Spanish American War after being denied a commission in the US Army. After leading the
Rough Riders on a variety of near-suicidal missions, Roosevelt went on to the White House, where
he fought pro boxers and wrestlers in the White House, regularly went skinny dipping in the Poto-
mac, and refused to enter our nation into any wars because he would not be allowed to participate
-
barked upon a badass expedition in the Amazon that resulted in having a river named after him. Fi-
Seize the moment. Man was never intended to become an oyster.
Genghis Khan. Insanely bad man who, after being orphaned, went on to conquer an entire con-
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many- 8% of the people in Asia, 700 years after his death, bear his genes. Though most of his time
was spent with the business of killing anyone within arms reach and building pyramids with their
heads, Genghis still found time to marry six women and utilize a massive harem, and is crediting
with fathering at least HUNDREDS of children, if not thousands. The greatest pleasure is to van-
quish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to
them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters.
Ulf Hreda. Hredas a lesser-known, yet still epically awesome Alpha male well known in Ireland of
the 11th Century for slaughtering legions of motherfuckers with a broadsword. Under High King
Brian Boru, Ulf the Quarrelsome (best nickname ever!) led an army through Ireland, uniting it
under one rule and stabbing anyone who said boo to him before they could draw their swords. Did
he need to do much else? I think not. Wolf the Quarrelsome cut open Brodirs belly, and led him
round and round the trunk of a tree, and so wound all his entrails out of him, and he did not die
before they were all drawn out of him. Brodirs warriors were slain to a man.
or a similar pack or troop of animals, that other members submit to and follow and that takes
priority in mating with females (according to Encarta). They are not, however, the touchy-feely
douches detailed in the soiled pages of The Alpha Male Challenge. They dont value emotional
intelligence and then call this hippie psychobabble claptrap alpha empathy, as do Villepigue and
Collins on page 48- theyre too busy fucking broads in public thoroughfares and slapping the living
piss out of anyone who has something to say about it.
devotes an entire chapter to developing the proper mindset to ape an Alpha Male. This chap-
and presence, which they claim will garner them respect. What it will really get them, however, is
mocked for their misplaced sense of conscience, because every real man in the room will see right
through that carefully-crafted facade of courageousness, mental toughness, and having a con-
science. Do you think Genghis Khan had a conscience? I highly fucking doubt it. He was too busy
leave the less tasty bits to his pet falcons.
I could not make this shit up if I tried. The Malescale has its readers answer ten questions on a
scale of 1-10. Questions like:
I am very good at looking at things from the viewpoint of other people
I tried my hardest over the past week to help people in need without being rewarded or
expecting something in return
I can resist eating my favorite junk food even when others are eating it in front of me
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Thereafter, they list 5 assessments of Alpha Architecture:

1. Flexed bicep measurement
2. Chest to waist differential
3. Vertical leap
4. Max bench vs body weight (because there is no greater measure of male superiority in the
gym than the bench press. Really? Im guessing theyre referring to Ballys, and youd have to look
methinks.)
5. The 300 run (25 yd gassers in between two lines)
So, rather than judging ones self on the ability to fuck bitches and lead men, as per the Encar-
trained legs at Ballys. Fantastic.
wheels then fall off, as they suggest a macro ratio that smacks of the zone, and tell their betas that
its ok to eat fruit popsicles (what kind of fucking man eats popsicles? Do they think the Duke ate
them? Chuck Bronson just couldnt wait for a fudgesicle after dinner? Sweet baby Jesus.), drink
milk, and eat bread and oatmeal, all of which is distinctly un-paleo. Oh, and did I mention that they
suggest that you have lots of fresh fruit on hand for making SMOOTHIES?
The horror of this book will haunt me for the remainder of my days. But theres more- the actual
workout. Im sure, by this point, you know that its going to be less manly than a threesome be-
tween Michael Jackson, Liberace, and Eddie Izzard, and youre right- out of 52 exercises they listed
(nevermind their power tube alternatives), 28 are machine exercises, 7 are ab exercises, and only
three are actual compound movements. None of the workouts utilize lower than 6 reps, and the
vast majority utilize rep schemes between 10 and 15 reps. Hardly man-makers, this lot. Hardly mus-
cle-makers, either. They do, however, suggest you do cool Alpha Attitude Drills, like their Altruism
one, when you attempt to hone your altruistic side by doing good works.
Egoism is the antithesis of altruism. Arnold Schwarzenegger is altruisms nemesis.
That. Just. Happened. Or, you can choose from their Play Heart Activity Menu, which has an
alpha extreme: supervision required list, including water skiing, parkour, sphereing, and triathlon.
HOW THE FUCK WOULD ONE SEEK SUPERVISION WHILE FREE RUNNING? Oh, and
if youre curious, sphereing consists of rolling downhill in a massive hamster ball. Yup.
In summary, consider self-castration with a rusty spoon as an alternative to following the form and
letter of this book, which is so patently offensive to masculinity as a whole that the authors of this
piece of shit should commit Aeppuku on Good Morning America in attrition for their actions.
I think I need to go smash something with my bare hands while operating heavy machinery and
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ENOUGH ALREADY:
On nearly every strength training and bodybuilding website on the internet, theres some jackass
asking a question to which the answer should be obvious- will jerking off/fucking negatively im-
pact my workouts? Now, putting aside the fact that said moron should drown himself in a fucking
me to lay this sick dog to rest:

Sexual activity and Badassery are inextricably intertwined.
This should not be anything that needs to be investigated, as it seems about as obvious as anything
could possibly be.
Watch porn. Men and womens test level raise 100% and 80% in response to sexual stim-
uli. That means that both of your libidos will rise accordingly, due to the fact that both men and
womens sex drives are dependant on their testosterone levels (New Scientist). Additionally, stud-
ies have shown that sexual stimuli will increase both LH production and test levels, so not only will
your cock be rock hard, fellas, but youll be droppin motherfucking loads like Nick Manning all the
live long day (Stoleru).
Fuck or masturbate (or both) AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. A study in Mexico showed that
serum testosterone levels in rats rose markedly after two consecutive orgasms, and even further
after four (Hernandez). Additionally, frequent sex improves sex hormone regulation in men and
women, and boosts blood vessel health.... [and] Frequent ejaculation reduces the risk of prostate
enlargement and cancer (JSM). On top of that, studies have shown that in addition to those pos-
your body to produce more adrenaline, prolactin, and killer cells, which in turn improves immune
system function.(BB.com) Thus, by getting off as much as humanly possible, youre generating
a shitload of testosterone in both men and women, leutinizing hormone in men, and improving
your recovery time from hard workouts in both. It goes without saying that youre also getting
off, which means that youll have elevated levels of dopamine (which reduces pain and improves
mood), and that youll be burning calories, which will make you leaner, in addition to improving
your cardio.
For those guys, who like me, want kids like they want AIDS, theres more good news with this type
of a compulsive fucking/masturbating scheme- your sperm count drops like a motherfucker (to
about 27% of norm). That means (though Im not endorsing this) you can go bareback without
the bare facts and not worry quite so much (Freund).
In the second half of this, Ill go into a bit more detail, but in the meantime, use this as a reason to
spend Labor Day laboring your ass off in the bedroom.
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ENOUGH ALREADY:
Never before have I been so pleased at my ability to sow the seeds of discord as i have been with
this series of blogs. Frankly, I thought that everyone could agree that we should all fuck more and
masturbate more, since getting off is pretty much the best fucking thing to happen in the history of
or something, which is as hilarious as it is sad. Still others are deeply convinced by a study done in
China that cumming more than once every seven days is less than optimal. Thats understandable,
I suppose, because recent studies have shown that 9/10 of the people on Earth suck really fucking
hard, and 19/20 of the people on the planet suck anywhere between a lot and really fucking hard.
shadow of a doubt, that libido is heavily dependent on testosterone in both men and women. For
both, supplemental testosterone is positively indicated to treat hypoactive sexual desire, which
would indicate that more testosterone creates more sex drive. For evidence of this, you merely
need to google it- Im not going to post citations to the dozens and dozens of studies that cor-
roborate my statement. Should you feel the need to do so, feel free- I assure you that this is for
all intents and purposes an incontrovertible fact. Given that this is a fact, it would stand to reason
that engaging in sexual activity would not negatively affect your sex drive, as to do so would defeat
imperative towards procreation, and diminish ones interest in sexual activity, which would indicate
that ones genetic material would not get passed on to subsequent generations. Thus, the idea that
fucking or jerking off would lower test levels is fucking absurd.
Casting logic aside, as so many people appear to do when it comes to sex, lets continue to look at
the science. First, a recent study has shown that optimal sexual performance requires hormonal
changes that are best developed through regular sexual activity.
acquire a good level of sexual performance. While 42.5% of the rats displayed excellent
sexual performance during the training sessions, 17.5% showed adequate performance, 7.5%
had low sexual activity, and 32.5% of the rats did not display any sexual behaviors whatso-
ever. Additionally, after 4 days of training, rats with excellent/adequate performance showed
low or no sexual activity had lower progesterone levels relative to those displaying the high-
reduced in animals with low/no sexual performance compared with excellent/adequate

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This means that fucking/jerking off a great deal will reduce your downtime, make you a better lay,
and will raise your testosterone levels. Given that its my supposition (backed by science) that sex-
ual activity raises testosterone levels, this is fairly compelling- not only does it raise your test levels,
but it provides you with the necessary biological response to get you laid more, rather than less (as
the obliquely cited Chinese study above would assert).
As an aside- practice makes fucking perfect with sex. There are entire books devoted to helping
you train to be a better lay (like Built for Sex and Nate Greens book), and everyone from urologists
to sex therapists recommend that masturbation is the perfect way to prime the pump for people
with low libidos. Additionally, for those of you who might be a little quick on the draw, theres
some evidence that compulsive levels of masturbatory activity will increase your staying power and
your turnaround time. Thats just a little icing on the cake for you. If knights in the Middle Ages
would practice fucking goose down with 30 lbs of weights attached to their hips so they could fuck
without removing their armor, you people can spend a few hours a week jerking it like you mean it
For those ladies out there, personal experience and some studies I failed to cite gave compelling
evidence that masturbation is pretty much essential for your sex drives and markedly increase your
chances of cumming during sex (although overuse of pocket rockets seem to desensitize the clit
like no other, so take it easy with those things). As I cited in the last blog, orgasms raise female test
levels as well, and will thus make you stronger, leaner, and generally more awesome in just about
every way, so start giving it up (at least to yourselves, if not to anyone else).
Next, theres no evidence whatsoever supporting the idea that orgasms from sex or onanism in any
way have a negative physical effect on athletic performance, and there is some evidence showing
that sex within 24 hours of competition actually improves it (Hayes 205, Sohn). Theres anecdotal
evidence, however, that the psychological effect of sex can have an either positive or negative effect
on athletic performance, but its unknown whether this is due to some particular psychological
makeup, or if its simply a placebo effect. Im inclined toward the latter, due to the fact that many
people appear to convince themselves that certain activities or supplements will result in a given
effect and create the perception of the effect simply by willing it to be so. If your body can reduce
your perception of pain due to the expectation of a reduction in pain (Mirsky), then it would stand
to reason that you could either suck or kick ass in athletics from the placebo effect as well.
Finally, and in direct relation to the title of this blog- theres direct evidence that badassery and a
both the penultimate badass and the most impressive sexual athlete of all time. Theres really no
evidence of a dedicated masturbatory schedule for Genghis, but this is likely due to the fact that
he was far too busy fucking and killing to have a spare moment for masturbation- .5% of the peo-
ple in the world trace their lineage to Genghis (34,336,748.6 people on Earth can honestly call him
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their super-great-grandpa) and the Mongols are credited with the deaths of 40 million people. Ad-
ditionally, he was credited with having great physical strength, so any idea that he was weakened
by sex can be discarded.
Right up there with Genghis was Rasputin, proud owner of a cervix-destroying 13 Godzilla cock,
the ability to control the weather, massive physical strength, and the only libido on Earth that could
match Genghiss. He fucked every broad on whom he laid eyes, including the Empress of Russia,
and survived be poisoned, shot multiple times, stabbed, and strangled, only to die of drowning
after he was tossed into a river.
At this point, it should come as no shock to you that bad boys (who demonstrably possess more
testosterone than nice guys) get far more ass than nice guys (Grayson). I would attribute this
to a variety of factors, but they all boil down to testosterone in the end- guys with more test have
more masculine facial features, better bodies, harder and bigger cocks, and smell better (due to their
citation here, but check out the , the , and sundry Discovery Channel
and TLC programs on this).
The Jewish god killed Onan because he refused to knock up his brothers wife, not because
he jacked it or blew his loads on her back.
If youre unconvinced, at this point, that extraordinarily frequent orgasms are hormonally essential
and indispensable for your overall health, youre either dyslexic or a fundamentalist Christian. In
-
ridiculously happy motherfuckers, but youll see positive changes in body recomposition, overall
wellness, and athletic performance.
Lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.
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MENTAL
EVIL WILL ALWAYS TRIUMPH, BECAUSE GOOD IS DUMB.
I thought Id take this opportunity to blog on a more personal note, if for no other reason than
Ive been catching shit from just about everyone recently, and Ive enjoyed it thoroughly. Ive been
accused of being everything from an attention whore to gay, retarded, un-alpha, pretentious, and
then simply downright, old-fashioned evil. Well, most of those are probably true. On that note, my
gift to you is a hilarious email I received, and my [expanded] response. Bear in mind, on this most
materialistic and consumer-driven spending smorgasbord, that this is a guy to whom Ive been
giving advice for a couple of years, over the phone and via email, and since his divorce have been
to facilitate his ass-getting adventures. Additionally, he has two kids who are handicapped in some
manner. Clearly, in spite of my good deeds, hes got plenty of reason to hate me just on the kids
deal.
The email:
only relevant things to a mans life are to kill people and fuck women? I mean, I have my re-
spect for the conquerors of the past, but I dont idolize those motherfuckers for their morale
[sic] whatever. Are you living in a fucking movie or something? Do you really think that is all
there is to human life? Your comments on retarded people and cripples (my son included),
you think that is a show of real strength? What the fuck is wrong with you dude? I have a lot
of respect for you, I really do, but your lack of honor and respect for those types of people,
and myself, shows a really weak side of you, that looks to me like you cant deal with. I re-
alize the fact that you have no responsibility past yourself, you have told me that yourself. I
have always prized myself on being strong and not living in fear that I cant show myself, or
how I feel about shit. I dont have to hide it under a bunch of clich macho fucking bullshit.
For example, I like the movie The Notebook. Oh, am I a big pussy now? What the fuck is this,
high school? I am not really sure if I am getting the wrong picture from the way you blog
or talk about yourself, but the way you do portrays you dont have a compassionate bone
in your fucking body. If your real attitude is to kill the weak, and fuck women, then you are
And my somewhat expanded answer:
Youre shot right out of a fucking cannon today. Well, the short version is, no, I dont believe that
thats what a man is supposed to do. I do KNOW, however, that thats what alpha males of any
species do. Theyre not necessarily good fathers, but they produce a lot of kids. I criticized the
fact that you had The Notebook
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balls about The Notebook. Just because I think your love of the movie is 11 different kinds of hilar-
ious doesnt mean Im judging you as a person. Im not Christian, and I dont bother with judging
people. I leave that to them. As to your criticism that I am taking human evolution backwards
fucking moron- you are intentionally diluting the gene pool with your failure and forcing a crea-
ture that should not live through an existence no one should have to endure. As such, youre an
your mutant on society at large so we can support its existence, and the possibility of its childrens
existence. I might be socially retarded and emotionless, but youve taken active and tangible steps
towards weakening humanity. Congratulations.
and purposes, a Satanist. This means I have as much physical pleasure as possible without imped-
ing others ability to do the same. Insofar as I follow any belief system, Im an Odinist, and I pretty
much live by the nine Noble Virtues:
1. Strength is better than weakness
2. Courage is better than cowardice
3. Joy is better than guilt
4. Honor is better than dishonor
5. Freedom is better than slavery
6. Kinship is better than alienation
7. Realism is better than dogmatism
8. Vigor is better than lifelessness
9. Ancestry is better than universalism
You and I are just going to have to agree to disagree on human evolution. I think compassion has
irrevocably fucked up human evolution, and were a shell of our former selves. Thats one mans
opinion. It might be wrong, but as my opinion either way is worth a bucket of warm piss in the
grand scheme of things, Ill feel free to give it.
Finally, you of all people should recognize the fact that my writing style represents a somewhat
out of people. As such, I thoroughly enjoyed your email and your righteous indignation, which was
hilarious, given the fact that I
1. proclaim to the heavens that Im a total asshole all over my blog, and
2. have taken a decent amount of time to help you out with a variety of things and chat with
you, which would seem to indicate that I dont spend a lot of time judging you or your kids. For the
record, however, Im really not terribly compassionate. Im occasionally empathetic, but I dont do
a lot of hand-wringing about it, and it almost never extends past people whom I personally know
well.
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Sympathy and empathy are two traits that should have remained the sole purview of women, but
for whatever reason (I blame Christianity for this as well), men have gotten in on the game as well.
Now, theyre puttering around the house wearing aprons and breastfeeding their children while
their wives withhold sex from them and earn money for the household. Its horseshit, and begets
weakness.
In short, its better to be hated than forgotten.
Evil Will Always Triumph, Because Good Is Dumb: The Science

Few things in life have bothered me more than the propensity for Hollywood to allow the fuck-
ing mealy-mouthed weenie to win. Every. Single. Time. Darth Vader got his shit handed to him
by a tiny, sister-fucking douche with big hair, Ivan Drago and Clubber Lang both got their asses
whipped by a mentally challenged man half their size, fucking Frank Dux beat the master of Asian
disaster and reigning world champion of pectoral overdevelopment Chong Li... the list is fucking
endless. Well, my friends, Ive got good news- according to scientists, that shit is not happening in
real life.
Instead, its the bad guys (and girls) who fuck the most, have the best sex, are the strongest, the
most aggressive, and generally better in every possible way. According to science,
should have ended with Chris Evans ripping off one of Michael Ceras emaciated arms
dies of bloodloss. Why? Because evil always wins, and bad guys always get the girl.
For those of you who missed the original installment of this series, it pretty much stemmed from
the fact that I get called an asshole. A lot. So much, in fact, that I found it necessary to repost an
email I got with an expanded reply detailing the ways in which Im a half-assed Satanist, hate pretty
much everybody, and generally rule. His missive was written in response to my excellent critique
of the Alpha Male Challenge, and was for the most part fucking ridiculous... especially because Im
right.
world. In this particular case, it seems that science has been co-opted by a bunch of my fellow
suburban white picket fence fantasys going to leave you a miserable cuckold in a beige house with
an empty wallet, a minivan, and a pack of screaming kids. On the other hand, evil people like
myself are going to be busy banging everything in sight, dripping with testosterone, lifting obscene
amounts of weight, and generally making life our punk bitch.
To whom, then, are we referring? Were referring to those parties dressed in black who enter a
room looking like theyre going to smash something, making children cry at every opportunity,
and generally think theyre the shit. Im not talking Chuck Manson stabs you in the fucking spine
evil, as that sort of evil presents a wide array of social problems and generally comes with enough
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boy/edgy slut, however, kick all sorts of ass. The types of people who are clearly disagreeable,
very extroverted and like trying new things - killing people, new women... these are the people
who live the best lives (Yerman).
Were talking people like Vin Diesels character in Pitch Black, Jason Statham or Amy Smart in the
Crank series, or Clint Eastwood in just about anything- badasses, and not good guys, but not out
to royally fuck over everyone on the planet... maybe just fuck them and then roll some asshole for
his wallet in the parking lot.
According to science:
The way they dress fucking rules. The bad boys and girls in the movies almost never
wear anything but dark clothing, and theres a good reason for it. Whether its Jaime Pressly in
Torque or Darth Maul, you know when they enter the room that someones getting fucked, and
someones getting fucked up. This is because the color black makes us more aggressive, and may
far more aggressive, violent, and audacious... which basically means that theyre a hell of a lot more
awesome (Smith 513). I tend to wear a hell of a lot of black in the gym, and apparently its for
damn good reason.
They get laid a hell of a lot more than the average bear. Scientists have found that peo-
ple who score highest in narcissism, machiavellianism, and psychopathy have a MUCH higher body
count. They fuck more often, and fuck many more people (Yerman). This is due to a couple of
factors, it appears, including:

men to be far more sexually appealing than that of douchebag fratboys, fatbodies, or skinny nerds.
According to one article, women pick up on the scent of guys with high testosterone levels and
instantly get wet for them, due to the fact that they perceive those guys as more virile (Montaner).
Theyre unmarried. Married men have test levels like pubescent girls, and the more
time they spend with their wife and kids, the worse it gets (Gray 2004). This is compounded by the
fact that married people sleep far worse than do single people (who get their own bed), which raises
their cortisol levels and correspondingly decreases their test levels further (New Scientist). This, in
turn, makes them smell less good to their spouse, which gets them laid less, and the cycle contin-
ues until theyre driving a powder blue minivan and helping their wife decorate the stage for their
daughters ballet recital.
They dont have kids. The above-cited Gray also dropped this happy little nugget
on us childless assholes- testosterone levels in married men with kids were lower than married guys
with kids and, of course, unmarried men. Dont believe me? Suck on this: Among married men
without children, higher scores on a spousal investment measure and more hours spent with a
mans wife on his last day off work were both associated with lower T levels. We suggest that lower
T levels during the day among fathers may facilitate paternal care in humans by decreasing the like-
lihood that a father will engage in competitive and/or mating behavior (Gray 2002). How much
does that suck? Not only does marriage automatically mean your sex lifes on its last legs, but even
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your body betrays a man to the point where he may well not even be able to get it up if he manages
to pry apart the rusty spring trap his wifes legs have become. This is why Cougarlife.com exists, I
suppose. Thanks, married guys!
Theyre probably sluts. Unpartnered heterosexual men and (interestingly) non-heterosex-
ual women have higher testosterone levels when not in a relationship. This may be, however, due
to the fact that people with lower testosterone levels generally place themselves in relationships in
They have high testosterone levels. High testosterone levels have been linked to in-
going to be impressive, but your bank account is going to get FUCKED. Pre-nup, anyone? My
recommendations actually open relationships- that way, everyone gets laid, theres no sneaking, and
theres a very high likelihood of group sex [Ed- If you dont like group sex, youve really got no
reason to read this blog] (Thaindian News).
much, why they have better sex, and why theyre stronger than nice guys.
EVIL WILL TRIUMPH, BECAUSE GOOD IS DUMB:
Well, the bottom line, what Im trying to tell you tonight,

is that evil...eeeevil... is necessary.
Evil is necessary, thereby, if its necessary, evil...
- Evil... - ...must be good.
Evil is good.
Brigands, thugs, hooligans, scoundrels... anti-heroes and anti-heroines. Thats who grabs the fuck-
ing ring at the top of a mountain after three movies consisting of nothing but a shitload of walk-
ing, punctuated by brief periods of sobbing and a hell of a lot of Liv Tyler not being shirtless, not
some fatass and his pre-pubescent shitheel friend- that shit only happens in godawful movies and
overly-long, badly written stories. This is why the Punisher and Batmans sales will always beat Su-
permans, and why the white knights of the interwebz will continue to remain unlaid- no one fucks
a nice guy, and few people will follow a nice guy anywhere but to church.
Not unlike the legendary strength and tenacity of Wolverine, regular people with a mean streak
have been shown in a variety of studies to outperform the nice. This should come as no surprise
to anyone- just like the ultra evil Darkseid killed off goody two-shoes, Cub Scout Superman, Afri-
can honey badgers tear the living shit out of much larger animals like gazelles, fuels by nothing but
hate and a diet heavy in meat products. Like the honey badger and Darkseid, its critical that you
channel your inner Hulk and fucking yell and smash until whatever stands in your way is reduced to
smoking rubble.
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dancing face? Theres actually a pretty fucking good reason for that hand clenching- other than
looking cool, it makes the clencher stronger. Experiments show that physically gripping some-
thing boosts your endurance and mental willpower. This phenomenon hasnt just been restricted
shoulders better than anyone- rather, its been proven in a whole series of experiments. In one, they
found that people could endure pain twice as long (in this case, from holding their hands in icy wa-
ter) if they squeezed the holy fuck out of an object with their other hand at the same time. Another
study found that the same could be applied to people trying to exhibit a modicum of willpower
clenched like they were summoning their inner Hugh Jackman meets Ambrose Burnside, they were
far better at resisting the urge to buy junk food. Take note, those of you with shitty willpower- if
you just act angry as all hell at your bodyfat when ordering a meal, youre far more likely to eat like
a machine and hate yourself into looking good (Daily Mail).
And you know what makes you stronger still? Thinking evil thoughts. I realize that at this
point it sounds like Im making this shit up, but according to a study at Harvard, people who imag-
ined themselves doing shit like raping puppies and knocking over liquor stores were able to hold a
ladies across the road or telling your booty call that you respect them in the morning. Yes, ladies,
this means that channeling your most horrible tentacle rape fantasy might enable you to squat
more... although I cannot be held accountable if you kill yourself under a heavy weight dues to leg
Speaking of hentai, porn does a body good. According to some sources, pornographers point-
edly attempt to elicit the maximum drug/hormone release by mixing sexual images with male
dominance, aggression and violent images intended to shock and stimulate simultaneously, which
stimulates the production of much higher baseline levels of hormones essential to getting strong
and lean, especially testosterone, but also adrenaline, epinephrine, and others. Not only does it
create an awesome biofeedback loop, particularly in men, but watching porn causes an immediate
release of enormous amounts of additional testosterone, which further increase male narrowing,
loss of reason, feelings of aggression, and sexual drive and arousal. In other words, porn lets you
win while youre watching it, and then win again thereafter when you experience heightened base-
line levels of testosterone thereafter (Netnanny). But what about furry porn / shit porn / tentacle
rape / throatfucking or whatever dark secret-style porn you have lurking on your computer? Great
news, ladies and gentleman- that shit simply makes you more awesome. According to M. Williams,
paraphilias are triggered by, and cause the release of, massive amounts of testosterone. That shit is
so potent, in fact, that psychiatrists use massive doses of anti-angrogenic drugs like methylproges-
terone to control these deviant predilections. As such, you should probably just go ahead and
masturbate to www.hogtied.com to your hearts content... though Id refrain from doing so at work
(Williams).
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While were on the subject of sexual peccadilloes, spanking appears to increase aggression as well.
Studies have shown that frequent use of corporal punishment, even mild corporal punishment,
correlates with increased levels of aggression.(Taylor) Other studies, like that of Mazur and Mc-
Dermott have stated that males with higher testosterone levels tend to be slightly more aggres-
sive, and argue that this appears to be due to the way acting aggressively raises testosterone levels
-
els as well, particularly when a person is on the offensive.(Salvador) As such, the next time youre
For those of you out there without a ready sexual partner, fret not- the Dark Sides got a lotta mo.
activities as cursing, playing violent video games, and listening to aggressive music. Yup, those
weekend nights spent screaming expletives into your headset as you slaughter motherfuckers on
boost, in addition to alleviating post lifting soreness. A 2010 study by Bushman and his associates
showed that violent video games can stimulate aggression for an extended period of time. This
will, as I showed above, raise your testosterone levels in turn. Compounding that effect is the mu-
sic youve invariably got playing in the background, as I highly doubt anyones rocking Abba or Neil
have shown that violent songs led to more aggressive interpretations of ambiguously aggressive
words, increased the relative speed with which people read aggressive vs. nonaggressive words, and
words (such as hit)(Anderson). Rounding out this trifecta of awesome is the fact that the curse
words youre screaming at a rate that makes Goodfellas seem G-rated by comparison has actual-
ly been shown in clinical studies to reduce the perception of pain, which means that the DOMS
-
ing on pain perception is actually shown to be more pronounced in women than men, so ladies,
feel free to start swearing like sailors (Stephens). Either way, the use of expletives will allow you
to endure more pain for longer than your goodie-two shoes opponents... all of which explains why
the kids rocking clan tags like [GODS] suck so fucking badly as the night wears on. In short, pretty
much the only good reason to ever listen to ICP would be to help you through a particularly brutal
squat of deadlift session, as even humorous violent songs will increase aggression levels, and sing-
ing along will alleviate a considerable portion of the pain. Time to crank up the Shaggy Show, I
suppose.
Finally, for those of you who think that all of this anger is going to burn you up, as posited
by Powers Booth in Red Dawn, studies have shown that anger is actually a healthier response to
external stimuli than fear. According to researchers, people who responded to the World Trade
found that people think better and more logically when angry rather than scared (Lerner). Anger
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This means that whenever youre driving, reading the poisonously insipid thoughts of ill-bred
minds online, walking, speaking to someone in public, or brushing your teeth, you are actually do-
ing yourself a multitude of favors by descending into a maelstrom of hate and destruction the likes
of which the world hasnt seen since the gods destroyed Japan. All that hates not going to burn
you up- itll keep you warm, increase your protein utilization and give you a better sex drive. Addi-
tionally, hate sex is great sex, so youll have that going for you as well.
Anger is a gift.
gym, and its not just marriage. As I blogged before, marriage has a deleterious effect on testos-
terone production, but even more pronounced than that effect is that which occurs when a man
holds an infant (Mirkin). Women, too, might want to avoid handing small children before hitting
the gym, as this effect could manifest in them as well, and because women with high levels of
[testosterone] are judged more attractive by themselves and others in addition to possibly being
-
cantly related to aggressive dominant behavior and that the womens self assessment of their
own status was positively correlated with the hormone in studies on testosterone and aggression
in women. As such, its best to do everything you can to maximize your test levels whether youre
a man or a woman. Id recommend latex gloves when handling babies, but I doubt thatd do you
too much good. In some cases, its unavoidable, but you can utilize some of the above strategies to
cleanse yourself if you cant avoid baby-handling- and frankly, it gives you a damn good reason to
hit up porntube.
-
-
ing the other and creating a perpetual motion machine of awesome, if you give them the right kind
of boosts. As such, you can literally fake it til you make it, and once you make it, you will continue
inexorably into the land of brutal PRs, increased coordination, cognitive performance, and con-
centration(Mazur) and generally just being a far more interesting individual.
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STOP BEING A PUSSY: GO FUCKING FERAL
You cant cut the throat of every cocksucker whose character it would improve.
A Preface:
Of late, I have received a tremendous volume of emails from people who wish to have me hold
their hands like small children as they make their way through the gym, constantly looking to
good emails. The bad ones are the nebulous requests for assistance in designing a program to
achieve equally nebulous goals issued only after a tremendous amount of dick sucking and bullshit-
that my readership has devolved into a pack of mewling babies who wish to have me push their
carriages through the gym and suck my cock rather than their mommys tit as I do so.
This will not do.
The entire purpose of this site is to encourage free thought, strength of will, and conscious action.
I dont wish to mollycoddle a pack of pussies through their daily lives, and resent the implication
that I do. Should you think Im addressing you, emailers, I more than likely am. The shit is getting
way out of fucking hand. I like helping people out, and many of my readers will attest to the fact
that Ive gone to great lengths to do so. When I receive an email, however, that essentially amounts
to I want to be exactly like you, Jamie, so please tell me everything I need to do so that I can be
Ive ever written. I want to club baby seals and mail their shattered bodies stuffed with dogshit
to these idiots as a reply, rather than turn off my computer in disgust and wonder why the fuck I
even bother. Instead, I shall make yet another lofty intellectual appeal replete with anthropological
reason for why humans shouldnt suck as a rejoinder to this spate of bullshit, in hopes that for once
you motherfuckers will get the goddamned message. That message is simple:
You can and should be better, stronger, faster, leaner, and more learned than you are, and
the only one who can make you so is you.
Dont send me an email how to start down the path, and dont ask me for recommendations on
what fucking shorts you should wear to the gym. If you need that much hand-holding, have your
parent or caretaker lead you to the nearest gun shop and buy yourself a bullet and a gun, and put
yourself out of your familys misery.
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The Motherfucking Truth:

I shall now point you to some of the historical precedents the lot of you have likely never consid-
ered, yet serve as an awesome reminder that the human animal is far more capable than we allow it
to be at everything that animal wishes to do. The only thing preventing people from achieving the
amazing is their brain, which due to a variety of factors tells us that were weaker, slower, dumber,
and more pathetic than should have ever become acceptable. This is reinforced by a couple of
individual issues, namely your brains reliance on automaticity to conserve energy and the fact that
When unencumbered by those things, however, humans are capable of incredible shit- in particu-
lar, people whove never been told they cannot do something physically challenging end up being
nearly superhuman.
-
ment isolated from humans. People who do so are typically referred to as feral and as you can
imagine, are 10,000 different kinds of awesome. Though many of the most amazing stories have
since been debunked as hoaxes (most notably the gazelle-boys who were reported to have outrun
Jeeps and helicopters to evade their pursuers), there are still enough true stories about people who
became incredibly strong and fast simply because they didnt know any better to evoke a response
in even the toughest of critics.
One such story, and perhaps the most compelling, is that or the Wild Girl of Champagne. This
broad was perhaps one of the few in history to have been tougher than Chris Cyborg Santos and
lived two years in the wild on a diet so paleo that Robb Wolff cries himself to sleep at night think-
ing about it.
When coaxed from a tree in Songi near Chalons in the French district of Champagne in
1731, she was aged about 10, barefoot, and dressed in rags and skins with a gourd leaf on
her head. In a pouch she carried a cudgel and a knife inscribed with indecipherable charac-
ters. She shrieked and squeaked, and was so dirty (or possibly painted) that she was mistaken
-
en a rabbit, she immediately skinned and devoured it.
-
temporary witness, the famous scientist Charles Marie de la Condamine. She is said to have
used her thumbs to dig out roots and swing from tree to tree like a monkey. She was a very
fast runner and had phenomenally sharp eyesight. When the Queen of Poland, the mother
of the French queen, passed through Champagne in 1737 to take possession of the Duchy
of Lorraine, she heard about the girl and took her hunting, where she outran and killed rab-
bits (Wild Things).
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the practice of coursing, youre likely unclear on exactly
how hard it is to outrun a rabbit. To put it plainly, if you can outrun a rabbit, youd set records at
the NFL Combine in the 3 cone drill and the 20 yard shuttle- youd be able to change directions
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at speed faster than many greyhounds, and could haul fucking ass uphill. Thus, not only did this
broad have elite-level speed at the age of ten, but she had the upper body strength of a gymnast-
never told she couldnt be fucking amazing by the people around her.
There have been many other feral children reported over the ages, ranging from bear-children to
wolf-children, and even children raised by goats, pigs and birds. Those that werent evidently aban-
that, and most of the dog-children and wolf-children seem to come from Russia or former Russian
Republics) are by all accounts superhuman, and are generally regarded as being insanely fast qua-
drupedal runners. Many of them, Indian wolf-boys in particular, were said to be faster on all fours
than the fastest people in the area, which is fairly ridiculous given that humans are in no way suited
to running on all fours (Wild Things, Wikipedia).
Fourteen wolf-children were found in India between 1841 and 1895, seven of which were
Hasunpur (near Sultanpur in what is now Uttar Pradesh), and showed most of the typi-
cal wolf child characteristics. His favorite food was raw meat, and he was unable to speak.
There were evident signs, on his knees and elbows, of his having gone on all-fours, wrote
Sleeman; and when asked to run on all-fours, he used to do so, and went so fast that no-one
could overtake him(Wild Things).
Additionally, these children were all reported to be much less sensitive to pain and the elements
than the average person, which is a trait shared by Buddhist monks who have trained themselves to
ignore pain (Wild Things, Wikipedia).
For those of you who are calling bullshit, which by the emails I receive is most or all of you moth-
erfuckers, consider this- monks who practice the meditation technique known as g Tum-Mo can
regulate their own body temperature to the point where they can sleep in the snow without any
covering and suffer no apparent harm, and are said to be able to dry cold, wet cloths put over their
shoulders in a cold room by regulating their own internal body temperature (Cromie).
Monks in Tibet-that mountainous country so blessed with oddities-can consciously raise
the temperature in their hands and feet 6-7 C (10-12 F), in laboratory conditions (Benson,
et al., 1982). There appear to be several methods of g Tum-mo meditation, as described by
not clear to me, because Benson reports that one of his research participants began under-
going g-Tummo changes every time he sat down. Monks will even have little contests where
they spend a night on a river bank, repeatedly draping themselves with wet sheets, and seeing
who can dry the most. I get cold just thinking about it.
It presumably takes some time to develop this ability, but apparently not so much that it is
rare in Tibet: David-Neel claims that most Tibetans have the knowledge of how to do it, and
that they put it to practical use (Savage Minds).
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Pain or damage dont end the world. Or despair, or fucking beatings. The world ends when
youre dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man... and give
some back.
standing in the way of your greatness is the giant, bloody vagina sitting atop your shoulders. Ellen
Langer explained in her book Counterclockwise that the second step in the psychology of possi-
bility is to try out new things without evaluating ourselves as we go along (Langer 16). The lack
of evaluation of essential for exceeding who you are, and who you think you could be. If you push
yourself to try new shit, shit you never thought youd be able to do, you could surprise yourself.
The key, however, is to leave your judgment of yourself behind. You cannot walk into the gym
wearing a powdered wig and swinging a gavel at every opportunity- should you do so, you remove
both the possibility for experimentation and any probability of greatness, because youll be too
fucking busy talking shit to yourself, convincing yourself that youre incapable and weak and useless
as everyone around you to attack the fucking weights and be a goddamned superman.
I will profane your fucking remains.
Its also essential that you ape the feral children I mentioned earlier at this point and isolate yourself
from people from time to time (or as I do with my headphones), because society will tell you that
youre incapable, that youre weak, that youre unable to handle the workload, or the weight, or the
exercise. In interdependent communities, people will turn against you if youre perceived as dif-
ferent- people who departed from the norm could be dangerous to the whole community- wheth-
er they were rich or very poor. Either way, there was a tendency to seek the center and to resent
want to take fucking note of this, because gyms are thoroughly interdependent communities. Ev-
eryones fucking everyone, everyones watching everyone, and everyone is all up in everyones shit.
You probably know more crazy bullshit rumors about the motherfuckers in your gym than you do
about your own family members, and you know more about the guys who lift on your shift than
you do about the most prominent lifters in your sport. As such, anything you do that runs counter
to the norm is being constantly evaluated, judged, and likely talked down when youre not around
if youre doing anything out of the norm. Thus, if you wall yourself off from all of the nonsense
and nay saying and bullshit with a massive wall of shrieking metal, you can create your own feral
paradise in which anything is possible, so long as you believe its so.
In the next installment of this series, Ill give you more reasons to be awesome and to ignore soci-
ety at large, hacks for your brain, Deadwood quotes, and some ideas for shit you can try in the gym
to stop being such a motherfucking pussy, in addition to parsing some of my more hilarious emails
and mocking the shit out of their authors
GO FUCKING FERAL 2:
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I mean, you gotta behave like a grown fucking man. You gotta shut the fuck up. Dont be
sorry, dont look fucking back, because, believe me, no one gives a fuck.
In the last installment of this series, we covered the fact that Ive recently received a spate of emails
from alleged men who apparently lack both testicular fortitude and any semblance of comprehen-
sion of my methodology or mentality. This has, of course, angered me greatly. I provided a couple
of examples of feral children and their awesomeness as a bit of evidence for the fact that youre far
more physically capable than you would have otherwise thought, and could likely do some amazing
things if you could only stop convincing yourself, and allowing others to convince you, that you
suck at everything you try, are weak, and are doomed to wallow in a sea of suck for all eternity.
A short aside: One of the most virulent and offensive exhibitions of this I suck and cant
help it mentality is the practice of setting a New Years resolution. In setting a NYR, youre
doing a couple of things, all of which are about as cool as those grown men who brag about
decided to procrastinate on even pretending to resolve the issue until an arbitrary date.
Third, youre making a hell of a lot of noise about nothing, since only about 12% of people
who make New Years Resolutions enjoy anything resembling success (Quirkology). Its a
fucking embarrassment of fat, drunken David Hasselhoff with a hamburger proportions. If
you think you suck, fucking stop sucking immediately. Women, Im pointing at you and your
motherfucking diets- theres no goddamned time like the present. Stop putting shit off until
tomorrow like youre a modern day J. Wellington Wimpy, who is perhaps the cartoon charac-
ter most deserving of a curb stomp in history.
Every fuckin beatin Im grateful for. Every fuckin one of them. Get all the trust beat out-
ta you. And you know what the fuckin world is.
Back to my original rant:

I realize that the internet provides a lot of you with a cloak and mask from which you can hide
from the world and publish your dumbest thoughts and desires with impunity, and a great many of
you make full use of that anonymity for naught but evil.(Fingeroth 48) I dont even mean evil in
a badass Dr. Doom sense, and no, your brainless trolling of some random forum is neither amus-
ing nor clever nor terribly evil- its pathetic, wasteful, and should be the catalyst for your suicide
rather than the suicide of others. Instead, I mean evil in the little e sense- like the evil perpe-
trated by a particularly dull and ineffectually annoying toddler too fat and lazy to get into any real
trouble. The world would likely be better off if most of us stopped fucking breathing anyway- a
recent poll revealed that Americans considered this pack of assholes to be the most admirable men
in the country:
1. Barack Obama- a president who went from suck to shit in record time and managed
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not to do a single thing promised on the campaign trail, a feat only previously accomplished by
-
deathbeds. If only Obama had had the good graces to do that.

2. George W. Bush- The single worst US president in the last 100 years. Jimmy Carter was a
boon to the economic and international politics compared to this useless cocksucker, may he rot
in hell. If any of you participated in this poll, let ANYONE whos aware of it know so they can
strangle you to death with some rusty barbwire.
3. Bill Clinton- Irrelevant unless you want advice on banging fat broads and getting caught
thereafter. Then, bang more fat broads to forget your married to the angriest lesbian this side of
Gloria Steinem.
4. Rev. Billy Graham- Religious lunatic who makes senior Al Qaeda members seem like reason-
able and rational men by comparison. Billy Graham is so insane for Jesus that he literally yells Im
Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs in the middle of the Lords Prayer while shitting his pants and heaving
handfuls of sparkles at an audience who could only be there because one of his stable of eunuchs
is holding a knife inscribed with John 3:16 to the throats of their parents.
5. - Pompous blowhard whos become rich by being a real life Scrooge Mc-
Duck. That motherfucker pinches pennies so hard he made half of his fortune by warping coins
for children at Please Touch Museums. He sustained himself during this enterprise by living off
the tears of the children who couldnt pry the coin out of his wretched claws after he squeezed it
into an unrecognizable state.
6. Newt Gingrich- Drug addict, pompous ass, and writer of unreadable yet enticing historical
-
ing because the dust cover promised more awesome than a gangbang at a Disney Channel 15 year
reunion.
7. Donald Trump- The only interesting person on the list, if only because of the fact that one
of the richest men in America apparently cannot afford a decent toupee or stylist.
8. Pope Benedict XVI- The emperor from Star Wars made it onto this list, which fascinates me.
9. Bill Gates- The genius behind Windows ME, Windows 7, and Clippy, that ever-so-helpful
cocksucker of an obnoxious popup paperclip. Fuck this guy.
10. Thomas Monson- Ive no idea how anyone even knows this guys name, or why they give a
shit. Apparently, you cant swing a dead cat in a closet without hitting 43 Mormons. Sneaky moth-
erfuckers.
Throw on top of that list the fact that the number of people in the US who think humans were
created by god in their present form within the last 10,000 years is at or over 40% (Science and
Nature), and youve got a fairly compelling reason to kill half of the population outright, without a
single regret. That would be feral. The shit that I see on a daily basis is about as feral as a newborn
lamb on a pile of pink cotton candy wearing Care Bears underoos with Michael Bolton playing
softly in the background.
I realize that in the intervening week between posts, this seems like a hell of a lot of rant without
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reason, but I assure you, my reasons are legion. The docility and submissiveness in the verbiage of
the emails Ive received of late is appalling, and I thought it necessary to instill a bit of fear in you
motherfuckers- that shit will not be tolerated. As such, here are a couple examples of the nonsense
Ive received, with my analysis thereof and response thereto.
So heres my skinny. My pitch and my hey. I will devote whatever of myself is required,
to make me a huge dastardly mother fucker. And I want you to help me. I want to workout
twice a day. I want to drag anchor chains and pull 1.5 line attached to a truck. I want to do
talk on the phone. I want to be a legendary strong man, and have every possible vein in my
body pulse like a new song from Skrillex on ecstasy. Can you do this for me? Will you be my
coach? Will you help me achieve greatness at an exceptional level? I want more out of life
and for me, it comes from the grueling tediocity of power, strength, and weight lifting. Be
my coach homie. Be my mentor and make me a fucking monster. Please.
I have more motivation than 50 of your bloggers put together...I just need to be told what
to do.
-
genuous statements ever uttered within my proverbial earshot- if he was that motivated, hed need
no direction other than that which would show him where the nearest useful gym was located. The
entire tone of this email drips with desire for acceptance, yet the author clearly fails to understand
even the most basic tenets of my life philosophy and the mentality I promote.
There are essentially two types of people in the world, and theyre very aptly depicted in the Matrix-
those content to pretend to live in freedom, and those who will actually endure the pain of doing
so. Im the latter, whereas the author of this email is very clearly the former. Hes the dickbag in
the Matrix who sells out his buddies for the illusion of a delicious steak, knowing its total bullshit
but refusing to care.
Whereas those who sleep within the Matrix have the illusion of individual freedom... while
being slaves to the worst aspects of collective consciousness, those who are truly free ulti-
the perhaps distant hope of building a community. Even if we fail at building it, or its goals
are never revealed, we still know we have tried. Wed rather be alone- orphans- on our own
terms than to be taken care of it is as slaves to a government or machine, or even an ide-
a(Fingeroth 71).
If you want to do Chaos and Pain, asking me to program your workouts is obviously not the
do it, and to throw off the strictures and shackles heaped upon you by a weak-minded and -bodied
else, and transcend the mediocrity of the masses to achieve excellence. Its not about doing what
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I fucking tell you, because Im not in the business of telling people what to fucking do. The very
idea someone would want to be told what to do fucking disgusts me. For the love of all thats fuck-
ing holy, dont bend your knee to me- I neither want acolytes nor need them. I wish for nothing
more than other people to get off their knees, stop sucking the cocks of supposed gurus because
its popular to do so and far easier than thinking for your fucking self, and do something epic. I
leave the demagoguery to people like Mark Rippetoe and Zach Evan-Esh, because I choose to
me- Im happy to beat down the fucking bushes and blaze a path for like-minded individuals. I will
not, however, carry you motherfuckers in a loving embrace and gently part the palm fronds for you.
Think for your fucking selves and DO for your fucking selves.
What you should not be doing, however, is deluding yourself into thinking youre free when you
want nothing more than to be in a gimp suit in my basement. Thats not my style- its way too
-
-
ilate massive amounts of information and utilize it to make decisions after experimenting with the
aforementioned information as the basis. I do this without consulting anyone else- not my mom,
nor lifting coaches, nor my friends or random passers by. I rely on myself, my balls, and the knowl-
edge that no matter what result I achieve, I did so at my own behest and as the result of my own
thoughts and actions. That is what being free is all about.
For those of you who are still confused, the people who truly understand this blog will agree that
and united by fear and ostracization that band together for mutual protection like a herd of cattle.
Instead, were like a Punisher/Wolverine/Hulk team up writ large- a pack of loosely coordinated,
looking for a fucking handout, grasp your cock or your cunt, and attack the world for being the
soggy pile of dogshit that it is. Thats what feral humans do, and thats what you could be if you
stopped thinking about what you were going to do and simply fucking did it. The Wild Man of St.
Louis, a feral adult who was captured for no apparent reason in the 19th Century, took no shit from
anyone, least of all cats, and when cornered fought overwhelming odds and escaped the second
he could. Instead of thinking about doing shit, plotting to do it, talking about it, and ultimately
accomplishing fuckall, he went superhuman on societys ass and maintained his freedom from the
litany of bullshit with which the rest of us have to deal on a daily basis.
The wild man, of whom some accounts appeared in the papers, was caught lately and
brought to St. Louis. He was surrounded in a sort of lair beneath a dense cluster of under-
seemed to have constituted his principal article of food. For this strange diet he had a pecu-
liar penchant, and eschewed almost every other. He hunted cats with an avidity prompted by
discovered. Frequent attempts were made to capture him, but his agility and speed was such
that he appeared to run upon the tops of the bushes, and fences offered no impediment to
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his headlong course. At length a great number surrounded and secured him. He attempt-
ed battle, but was overcome. When brought to the Court House he presented the strangest
tiger, his deportment crouching --half timid half threatening--and his garments consisted of
a thousand tatters of cloths, barks, cat-skins, &c, bound together by catguts. He said he was
from the State of New York, and had been in the woods thirty-six years. While he was being
examined, and was permitted to stand unbound, he made a sudden spring over the heads
of those who surrounded him, and darted away with the speed of the reindeer. The crowd
he was lost to them. Nothing has since been heard of him. He is certainly a strange being,
and is literally a wild man. His age can hardly exceed forty, and yet he has lived so much away
from the society of man that he has nearly forgotten his language and has the most vague
recollection of things. He remembered New York, but did not know where he was, nor the
form of government under which we lived. Dr. Knode was examining him when he escaped,
and it is to be regretted that the doctor could not have had an opportunity of ascertaining
the character of his mania(Leslie).
Theres no short cut, no easy way. No one can give us freedom or happiness- because
- Jay Stanton
Ill start this program on Monday (im OCD and have to start a program on a Monday. Its
weird, I know) and increase and decrease the volume as needed depending on how I feel.
This is, without question, indicative of the worst feature of modern society- the desire to be dis-
ordered. No one takes responsibility for their actions any longer. Theyre helpless pawns of their
genes, and everyones genes are apparently rife with horrible mutations of one sort or another. For
those of you who arent following, this stupid motherfucker does not have OCD, and his use of the
term indicates that hes either painfully stupid or so weak of character that his mommy has to coax
him out of bed in the mornings to get him to start his day. After cutting the crusts off his peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches, she apparently allows him to use the computer, which he does at the
risk of destroying what little dignity he has left.
For those of you out there who might be empathizing with this sad sack of shit, slap yourself in
the face like youre a 1940s housewife who burned the meatloaf, because youre being a fucking
cunt. Youre not disordered. Your thyroid isnt the problem. Your metabolism isnt the problem.
nothing preventing you from starting a workout program on a Wednesday, a new diet today, or a
new exercise in your next workout other than fear and stupidity.
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Though theyve fallen out of favor in deference to our societys overwhelming obsession with the
contents of , heroes in literature used to be
Gladiator, a
new type of hero became popular in the 1930s and 40s: the self reliant individualist who stands
aloof from many of the humdrum concerns of society, yet is able to operate according to his own
code of honor, to take on the world on his own terms and win (Reynolds 18). These guys were
in a way Kid Rock could only dream about. They didnt excuse their stupidity by blaming it on a
disorder invented by psychiatrists so they could get kickbacks from pharmaceutical companies- they
brought the fucking ruckus at every opportunity. They didnt pause to consider their myriad fail-
ings, nor did they stop to justify their fear of the unknown with a pathetic excuse- they acted.
If youre on the fence about what to do to get yourself out of a rut, thats not uncommon. Psy-
people suffer, myself included, called commitment, in which people get so stuck in their ways
that they cannot rationally evaluate their alternatives. As such, you have to simply get fucking feral,
stop thinking, and go. He who hesitates is lost. Dont be a dithering bitch- act. Try something
new that youve thought was cool but were scared to try. Do squat lockouts with half a ton. Push
your car down the street. Try some ultra-heavy hand and thigh lifts. Do a barbell one arm snatch.
See how fucking far you can throw a keg full of sand. Or beer. Grab a chicks ass in a bar. DO
SOMETHING.
So, are you really all-natural?/Youre a roidhead and everything you say is bullshit/are you
on steroids, if so where can I get some/etc.
Initially, I regarded these emails with a bit of sadness, because the authors were clearly mental-
ly retarded. As such, I wondered how or why they stumbled across my blog, and then how they
managed to compose their emails. My most recent exchange in regards to this subject truly pissed
me off, as pussies who couldnt handle my workout weights have no fucking business demanding
that I answer their stupid, irrelevant, and ultimately pointless questions. Additionally, Ive stated
many times that all of the testosterone boosters promoted in the US in the last decade have been
steroids, most of which were based on the formulations of the now-defunct Balco Labs. Ive used
those supplements, repeatedly, and have promoted them on my blog. I dont consider myself natu-
ral, dont give a shit who is natural, think that self-promoters screaming about how natural they are
likely have the lot of you snowed, and couldnt possibly care less about whos using what.
Theres only one type of person who does: Pussies. Big, sloppy, wet, yawning cavities of vaginas,
youre busy worrying about whos on what and when and how much and why, youre doing one
thing- looking for the starting point for a litany of excuses. All you have to do is read their retorts
to see how pathetic their mindset really is, because theyll all sing the same sad-sack refrain- its
cheating, they cant compete, theres no comparison between natural trainees and geared lifters,
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ignoring all the while that most of the truly impressive strength feats predate steroids. These stu-
pid pieces of shit will explain away guys like Saxon and Sandow and Aston and Maxick as freaks
of nature and irrelevant, because those examples completely destroy their bullshit argument. Even
when people compete in tested competitions, these natty lifters will call bullshit- look at all of the
Danny Fingeroth actually had an interesting point about the fact that some people love to differen-
tiate themselves from those who beat their asses at anything at all- theyre Superman fans.
Is it easier to read of a superior being from beyond the stars outclassing us that of a guy
from down the block who was just luckier or stronger or smarter? Maybe thats the key.
Maybe we feel uncomfortable with the idea that were not living up to our potential, or that
someone else has more potential than we do. Or that theyre living up to their potential bet-
same rules we do... then maybe we dont have to feel so bad about ourselves. I suppose this
would characterize the Superman fan more than, say, the Batman fan(Fingeroth 32).
If youre lost, and those of you still shouting insipid retorts to my earlier comments doubtless are,
allow me to elucidate this point. Non-powered superheros, or those with non-superfuckingfan-
tastic powers, go toe to fucking toe with the Supermans and Green Lanterns and Wonder Mans
of the comic book universe without a second thought. The Punisher, for instance, went toe to
toe with the Hulk, and at no point bitched about the fact that the Hulk had superpowers and he
didnt. Likewise, Hawkeye fought the Beyonder in Secret Wars without taking his toys and going
home because the Beyonder was cheating, and Batman beat the everloving shit out of that punk-
bitch Boy Scout Superman with nothing but hate on his side(and an exoskeleton, but fuck, he was
a senior citizen at that point). A winner is used to accepting full responsibility for his actions,
immediately takes charge even when he lacks the authority to do so, and that a sour-faced,
pessimistic attitude is for losers, not for winners, which is why those guys didnt take shit from the
cheaters and just charged headlong into the fucking fray.(Van Fleet 64-66) Feral humans, simi-
larly, dont make fucking excuses about their opponents and claim they cannot compete- they react,
adapt, and overcome using nothing but their balls and a hell of a lot of aggression. To wit:
The story of the Wild Girl of Champagne is detailed by a trustworthy French writer, M.
de la Condamine. One evening, in September, 1731, the people of the village of Songi were
alarmed by the entrance into the street of a girl, seemingly nine or ten years old, covered
with rags and skins, and having face and hands black as those of a negro. She had a gourd
leaf on her head, and was armed with a short baton. So strange was her aspect that those
who observed her took to their heels and ran in-doors, exclaiming, The devil! the devil!
Bolts were drawn in all quarters, and one man thought to insure safety by letting loose a large
-
self backwards on one limb, and grasping her club with both hands, she discharged a blow
at the head of the dog, as it came nigh her, with such force and celerity as to kill it on the
spot. Elated with her victory, she jumped several times on the carcass; after which she tried
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in vain to enter a house, and then ran back to the wood, where she mounted a tree and fell
asleep(Leslie).
Clearly, the Wild Girl of Champagne didnt stop to rationalize the unfairness of pitting a 10 year
old girl against a full-grown bulldog, because she was feral and thus awesome. In stark contrast to
feral humans, however, most people adjusted their judgments of the desirability of a future event
to make them congruent with its perceived likelihood, but only when the event triggered motiva-
tional involvement.(Kay) In other words, they adjust their goals to match the perceived likelihood
that theyll be achieved- thus spiraling into a progressive downward spiral of expectations because
they will tell themselves they cannot do something, suck as a result, and readjust their expectations
downward again. They thus would have just thrown their hands in the air and been eaten by that
bulldog were they placed in the Wild Girls position, because they would have thought that it would
behavior is the reason these dickbags on messageboards, and the retards who email me, constantly
blather on about steroids- theyre piss weak, embarrassed to be alive, and want a reason to ratio-
nalize their failure at life. If youre one of the pussies still squealing about the magic of steroids,
consider this:
Steroids are not magical, they dont make people superhuman, and theyre not the reason why guys
or girls in the gym outlift you- your lack of intestinal fortitude, hard work, drive, determination,
aggression, and hate are the reason you fucking suck.
You can, and should, be better than you are. Stop asking other people for validation and
assistance and fucking do it yourself.
IM NOT FAT! IM BULKING UP!

There appears to be a great deal of fear, circumspection, incredulity, and general confusion sur-
rounding the concept that lifters can indeed gain muscular bodyweight without getting fat (moreso
naturally than without gear than with). Allow me to allay your fears and put that horseshit to rest-
its not impossible. Certainly, youre going to have a natural barrier to getting bigger that can be
usurped by taking things like OTC gear (like Superdrol) or black-market gear (like the non-methyl-
ated versions of the shit thats in Superdrol), but even if you avoid the use of that sort of thing, its
possible to gain muscular bodyweight without getting fat.
First off, Id like to touch on something that clearly irks the shit out of some people- my total un-
willingness to prescribe detailed dieting or programming recommendations. The loose guidelines
I give people apparently drive a lot of you fucking bananas, which Ive always found odd. John
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Romaniello elucidated the reason behind this, however, in an article on T-Muscle. In that article,
he described disparity between the mental approach of dieters, segmenting them into two distinct
categories- freedom dieters and rule dieters. Freedom dieters are like myself- we thrive on loose
Rule dieters, by comparison, are totally fucking lost without a timetables by which they need to eat
me that sort of mindlessness is bizarre.
Gor series by John Norman, which

-
pletely in control of the other. People have adopted this lifestyle in real life, to the point where
some have actually gone to jail for playing master-slave. This isnt some normal, Im gonna make
you prance around naked while everyone has a go at you and we scrawl whore on your chest and
then use you as a coffee table sort of deal- Im talking, they can force their slave to give up custo-
dy of their children, are forced to wait in one spot without speaking or moving a muscle until told
to move, etc. Frankly, either end of that sort of relationship seems fucking insane to me- if I have
to take a piss, Ill do so when and where I want, and anyone who says otherwise can eat shit. Con-
versely, I cannot imagine the inanity of having to tell someone when to do everything theyre going
to do, and how- itd be worse than having a baby, which would in turn be worse than having AIDS.
I mean, I get distracted in the middle of a sentence... theres no way Id remember to tell some silly
broad to get the fuck up and go take a shit before she stains the carpet, and shed likely starve to
death before I remembered to instruct her to eat.
give them. Ive no fucking clue what people like to eat, whether they can cook, whats available at
their grocery store, etc. Additionally, Id expect people to exercise a modicum of free thought and
initiative in attempting to get lean or build muscle, or both. On that note, Im not going to tell you
what to eat, or when, in the precise terms some of you so longingly desire. Instead, Im going to
give you some rather broad recommendations you can use to guide your experimentation.
-
sites like Bodybuilding.com- theyre the people who want to be spoon-fed easy bullshit that theyre
going to debate endlessly and never actually fucking try. Lean bulkings not easy and its not a static
going to improve our nations economy in either the short or long term... and weve all seen enough
news to see how that happy horseshit is working out. Common methodologies for weight gain,
hackneyed and vapid as they are, are shit like adding 500 calories of anything to ones diet every day,
or GOMAD (gallon of milk a day). Adopting one of those methodologies without employing any
critical thinking or utilizing a modicum of analysis in the process of their utilization is as prepos-
terous as going into a Thai whorehouse where the prostitutes regularly fuck sub-Saharan African
monkeys, and then fucking every broad in there six times on the recommendation of a friend who
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told you that youd have a great time, and you wouldnt get AIDS. Well, hed be half right, just like
anyone who recommended GOMAD as the ultimate way to cleanly bulk you be half right- youre
going to get the positive aspects of each endeavor, but the downside is that you might die early
from your inability to critically assess your actions as you performed them.
YOU CAN GAIN WEIGHT WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A FAT FUCK 2

Bruce Lee was famous for telling to be like water, and his theory is as applicable to training and
when looked at in its entirety: Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive,
rigid, outward things will disclose themselves That is exactly the way you must approach di-
eting and training if you want to have success. In most peoples minds, dieting is a very cut and
dry thing- cut calories to lose weight, and increase calories to gain weight. The key, however, is to
lose and gain the right kinds of weight, and not to do so to the detriment of your strength training
goals. At that point, it becomes far more art than science, and anyone who tells you differently is a
lying sack of shit whose children will hopefully be born blind and crippled as punishment for their
forebears stupidity and general dishonor.
With that in mind, clean bulking isnt easy. Boiled down to its essence, it looks deceptively so, how-
ever:
Eat more.
Lift more.
Seems simple, right? Couldnt be simpler. Well, lets just look at the second part of that to illustrate
Lift more. This could mean any number of things, especially coming from me. My mean-
ings actually no more obtuse than the actual statement itself, as it means: lift more in terms of
poundage, but not necessarily in terms of volume, while at the same time adding extra sessions if
at all possible.
Seems a bit contradictory, right? Its actually not. If youre of the mind to, say, train 5x5 on squats
with 405 lbs 3 times a week, your total volume for that week would be 30,375 lbs on the squat. I
would recommend, if you want to bulk cleanly, that you try to train heavier when youre lifting
heavy, but add extra sessions of light work as well. Thus, your workouts could become 2 days
of 12x1x500 and 2 sessions of 2x30x135, which means that your total volume would be 28,200.
While the training volumes not quite as high in terms of total poundage, its likely that youre doing
far more work per minute, which means that your workout density is improved. Additionally, youll
be facilitating active recovery with your light sessions, which will transport more nutrients (of
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synthesis youll be getting from your increased training frequency (Zatsiorsky, 12). As you try to
-
ing, and some you cant. As such, youll autoregulate your growth and recovery by listening to your
muscles. If theyre cramping so badly during your warmups that your form is absolute shit and
you want to die, move on to a different lift. Half of the wacky exercises Ive adopted by reading
old strongman texts have been to give me something to do when everything hurts (the other half
for when Im bored with what Ive been doing, which occurs rather frequently when youre train-
ing 10-11 times a week), and they work, as they keep me in the gym and typically stress my body
in ways to which it is unused. This theorys in no way new- prior to the adoption of static training
programs as a method to sell magazines and books, this is the way people trained. Its far more nat-
ural than the mechanical methodology of linear progression, and its clinically proven to produce
better results in trained athletes. (Mann et al) Think of yourself as a banzai tree- youre not going
to grow in straight lines, no matter how much you Mister Miyagi your training. You can, however,
make tiny adjustments constantly to guide your growth so that it progresses in an manner that is in
bilateral training produces far greater increases in growth hormone than does unilateral training. As
movements, make them BIG. The amount of muscle mass activated during training is as important
to creating anabolic hormone response as Tera Patricks angry screaming while getting fucked is
essential to her popularity.(Kraemer et al.) For those of you who are sadly unaware of Teras vocal
skills, its essential.
With that out of the way, lets move onto the even harder side of the issue- eat more. For those
of you familiar with my blog, you know that Im a fan of paleolithic dieting, although many of
you seem to have a slightly skewed notion of what role paleo dieting actually plays for me. Paleo
dieting is a great way to get really lean, really quickly, while sparing muscle. It might also be a good
enough calories to gain an appreciable amount of weight in a year without spending your entire
day eating and cooking. As such, deviation is necessary. It is useful, however, to bear in mind that
consumption of non-paleo foods in great quantities will lead to fat gains, even if they facilitate
muscular bodyweight gains as well. Ive found the best way to bulk cleanly is to rotate my calories
and macronutrients. I dont bother with utilizing a percentage of my BMR, however, in setting my
calories, due to the near impossibility of making that calculation. Even were you to determine your
basal metabolic rate for a given day, it will change as you get leaner, or bigger, or fatter, or smaller,
or any permutation thereof. Itll deviate further as your daily activities change, ranging from the
amount and quality of your sleep to water consumption (and the temperature of that water), your
lifestyle activities (do you work sitting or standing? How much did you walk in a given day?), and
too numerous to mention.
Side note- fucking regularly will keep you lean, and give you a shitload of leniency in your
diet. Im talking 2+ times a day, not the ~3x a week that Ive heard various idiots bragging
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about. Masturbation does not seem to be a suitable substitute, either- it seems that the ca-
loric expenditure during sex plays a part, as does the fact that testosterone levels are more
heavily impacted by sex than masturbation also plays a part.
Back to rotating your macros and calories. Start by doubling your bodyweight in lbs, and making
that your baseline for grams of protein, daily. As you grow, up your protein. Thereafter, youre
going to have high, medium, and low carb days, which will be inversely proportional to your fat in-
take (unless you choose a paleo day instead of a keto day). Thus, protein remains static, while youll
have high carb/low fat, medium carb/medium fat, and low carb/low fat or low carb/high fat days.
Into the mix, youll throw two cheat windows- and dont throw them in on your low/low days. The
low/low days are important, in my mind, as they serve to give a sort of protein fasting day- theyre
for all intents and purposes a paleo day. Thats the day where youre kicking up fat metabolism,
forcing your body to change your output of leptin on a daily basis, and prevent your body from
settling into homeostasis of any kind. Since leptin is the hormone responsible for controlling your
appetite and plays a role in fat deposition and utilization, fucking with it by doing the metabolic
with no problem, youre incredibly hungry, or you simply want a keto day, take one. Bear in mind
to rotate your calories. You could, however, cheat on these days by simply eating a massive amount
of fatty meat for the three hours- hitting an all you can eat steak house or rib place (and only eating
ribs coated in a dry rub). Experimentation is the word of the day here, and youre going to be like
a mad scientist, tinkering with your diet until youve turned yourself into a massive, world-destroy-
ing robot bent on nothing short of the subjugation and destruction of the entire human race.
this dietary regime. Thus, youll be able to eat a handful of nuts, some veggies, and whatever carbs
are in your protein shakes. That 75g does not include your postworkout meal, either, which should
include at least 20g of protein and 40-75g of carbs. Play with the levels and see what works for
you. I found Trio-Plex cookies and the occasional Met-Rx Big 100 brownie to be perfect for this.
Otherwise, I avoid eating carbs in the form of grains or starches on these days. Medium carb days
are usually those where Ill have my cheat window, which I almost invariably had at dinnertime. I
make this a forcefeeding of epic proportions, and eat hard for 3 hours, whatever I want. At three
evening. Ill generally follow cheat days with a medium or low carb day, and then go high carb or
cheat again. Never cheat on consecutive days, if its in a force-feeding sort of way. If you know
youre going to cheat multiple days in a row, make it a bit sensible, and dont gorge yourself- your
body will absorb the excess without hurting your bodyfat levels. For the high carb day, I keep the
fats low, generally eat 40-60g of carbs at 4 or 5 of my meals, which will give me 200-300g of carbs
(1-1.5g of carbs per lb of bodyweight). Total meals per day will be between 6 and 10, depending
on exactly how long Im awake, how full I am from one meal to the next, etc. I never go more than
3 hours without eating, and I always leave a shake sitting on the back of the toilet to drink while I
piss in the middle of the night. Obviously, I make my shakes with water- dont make the evening
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one with milk unless you like your milk sour.
awesome! I guess youll have to wait for the next installment...
YOU CAN GAIN WEIGHT WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A FAT FUCK 3

Before I really get into the exact methodology and science behind my approach to bulking, Id like
to address conventional bulking diets. Ive dabbled in them, cutting them off when I thought I was
gaining too much fat, and as a result never really saw a whole lot of steady muscular bodyweight
gain. Sure, I gained a bit of muscle over the course of about 8 years, but it wasnt until I really
with everything from my calories to my eating frequency, before I started to really see an increase in
my lean mass gains. Thus, heres a short appraisal of conventional wisdom regarding bulking diets.
GOMAD
The great-grandpappy of all modern bulking diets. This seems to have grown out of the turn of
the century strongmans penchant for drinking milk- all of them seem to have drunk a great deal of
the shit, and Saxon took it a step further and drank heavy cream. Historically, milk has been con-
sidered to be a near-perfect food for humans, given its high calcium and protein content, and the
fact that raw milk is tremendously easy for a healthy person to digest. Hippocrates advocated a raw
milk diet to cure tuberculosis, and both the Masai and Swiss based their diets on milk (the Masai
consuming primarily cow milk and blood, supplemented with meat and maize) (Bieler 212).
Building on the belief that raw milk is the stuff of greatness, a writer for Strength and Health, John
McCallum, penned articles touting raw milk as the way to grow (later compiled into the book The
Complete Keys to Progress. Randall J. Strossen, editor of that book, took that idea a step further,
and suggested that everyone drink a gallon of milk a day and do his 20 rep squat program. Its my
understanding that Strossen merely repackaged McCallums ideas about milk and squats, which
would make sense, as it was still legal to produce and transport raw milk in the US in 1965 (when
day factored into the belief that a gallon of milk a day is the way to super-strength as well, as it real-
ly drove home McCallums suppositions.
No matter who invented it or why it became so popular, the adoption of that diet in this century is
fucking ridiculous for a variety of reasons, starting with the fact that its impossible to purchase raw
milk easily in the US, and pasteurized and homogenized milk borders on indigestible for most peo-
ple. Whereas raw milk merely ferments in your intestines (which actually makes it better for you),
top three food allergies, and has symptoms ranging from ear infection and bad breath to asthma,
abdominal cramping, diarrhea, croup, and asthma, even in people who are lactose tolerant (Audette
58). Throw into the mix the fact that even skim milk contains 205g of sugar per gallon (and has
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a higher GI than fatty milks), and youve got a fucking recipe for disaster. Thus, in straining the
shit out of your digestive system, youre getting a paltry 145g of protein for your efforts, not all of
which will be digested, due to the fact that the fat molecules in homogenized milk are broken down
into smaller parts and become a stealth delivery system for the proteins that puts them directly into
your bloodstream, causing allergies. Pasteurization takes care of the rest, killing all of the enzymes
facilitate the transformation of milk from a benevolent Dr. Jekyll into a slavering, soul-rending, ba-
by-raping, eviscerating horror show of a Mr. Hyde. At best, its a quick way to get fat as shit, in my
opinion, unless you swing a sledge all day long at work, or youve got the most freakish metabolism
of all time, and at worst, you can pretty much wreck every one of your bodys internal systems with
GOMAD.
The traditional bodybuilding bulking diet- this generally consists of the diet that was popular in
1990 amongst everyone, for some reason, but in massive quantities. Low fat, high carbs, moderate
protein (though theyll assert its high). Thus, youre eating brown or white rice, veggies, and chick-
en breasts, in amounts that will afford you 1-1.5g protein per lb of bodyweight, 2-3g of carbs per
pound, and .5-1g of fat. All day. Every day. Does it work? For those amongst us with stout me-
-
ish on this sort of a diet are carb- or mixed-type metabolisms. I know that I never really gained
much weight on this diet, nor was I particularly lean.
The See-Food Diet

The favorite of guys like Lee Priest, who appear to be circus fat men with some muscle beneath
their blubber in the off-season. It will put muscle on you, but eating garbage all day long is neither
conducive to good health, nor does it make for a particularly attractive physique. As the goal of the
enterprise on which weve embarked is to lean bulk, this diets useless to anyone who isnt running
massive amounts of clenbuterol, test, and GH... and looking at Lee Priest, it doesnt work all that
well for those guys, either. While it might work for putting on sheer mass, its not useful for lean
gains, and the fat you put on is a pain in the ass to take off later.
My bulking and cutting approaches are remarkably similar, and are the outgrowth of the works of
a number of people, including Ray Audette, Dan Duchaine, Warren Willey, Mauro Di Pasquale, and
even a bit of Torbjorn Akerfeldt, all under the umbrella of Wolcotts Metabolic Typing. My carb
and calorie cycling approach is essentially an amalgamation, then, of Warren Willeys Zig Zag and
Neanderthin recommendations, and Duchaines Body
As Im a protein type, I trend my protein extremely high(2g+/lb of bodyweight), followed by fat

and carbs. If youre a carb or mixed type, you might want to tinker with my recommendations to
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better suit your metabolism. Through hard training and the gradual introduction of more protein
in your diet, Wolcott asserts that anyone can become a protein type, but the change is apparently
extremely gradual. In any event, kicking off the basics is Willeys Zig Zag diet, which is based on
a three day rotation of low-even-high calorie days, using the BMR to determine total caloric intake
and working backwards from there. Ive already stated that I have massive problems with BMR cal-
culations, but for the sake of exposition, he uses the BMR as a baseline, and then multiplies that by
.8 on low cal days and 1.2 on high cal days. He then uses an isocaloric macronutrient ratio to deter-
mine protein/carb/fat intake. Personally, I think Zone dieting is the single fastest way to mediocri-
ty, but I liked the underlying theory behind his plan.
In re my protein recommendation, there would appear to be a great deal of evidence to show

that no one needs the massive amount of protein I recommend. As Ive got mountains of an-
ecdotal evidence backing me, Im inclined to tell those parties just to go and get fucked, question
their manhood, fuck their girlfriend, and possibly leave them in a gutter broken and bleeding, but
Ive also got science on my side. Like my contention regarding basal metabolic rate, a 2004 me-
ta-analysis of protein studies called Protein and amino acids for athletes concluded that there are
too many factors that enter into setting protein requirements, including the timing of ingestion in
relation to exercise and/or other nutrients, the composition of ingested amino acids and the type
of protein(Tipton). As such, they suggest that athletes go with the more is better philosophy, as
theres no evidence whatsoever that high levels of dietary protein will have a deleterious effect on a
healthy individuals performance or overall health. This is why Im going to 2g/lb of bodyweight,
and then working my other macros around that.
Though Willey would likely disagree with my take on protein, Lyle Macdonald would not. Despite
which consists of 2 and 3 day keto runs followed by high carb days. As Id used this to great effect,
further increase this, however, it seemed that the inclusion of a paleo day in the place of the oc-
tract, and balance blood glucose levels that might have been out of whack with the high-carb days
and/or cheat windows (Paleolithic). Finally, I threw in the two cheat windows, which Ive found
make the entire fucking diet awesome- they speed my metabolism (Matsumoto), allow me to eat
my fucking face off, replenish my glycogen stores (Bowden), and increase my thyroid, adrenal, and
sex hormones (Poehlman), in addition to providing and awesome forced break from clean eat-
ing (Westrate), Though he provides no citations of any kind, Lyle Macdonald is also a fan of the
cheat meal, though to a far more limited degree than I am. I will suggest, however, that the effects
I described above are really only seen in people who are already fairly lean- if youre fat (15%+), I
would limit your gorging during cheat meals, as theyre not going to have quite the same effect. In
fact, theres a very real possibility that theyll have a fat-deposition effect rather than a fat-reduction
effect, in addition to the fact that it will renew your love of food.
Side note: Ive stated on a couple of occasions that I disliked working with the obese or women
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on diet. This is due in large part to the fact that their dieting issues are far more psychological than
physical. Theyve a love of food, and emotional response to food, that I fail to understand or for
which am I willing or able to account. If you call yourself a foodie, you probably cant be trust-
ed around cheat foods, and a cheat meal is likely to become a week-long binge that ends in type 2
diabetes. Thus, you should stick to eating clean foods, and seek psychiatric help. Clearly, as I have
only two emotions, happy and super-ripshit pissed, Im not the guy to help you through your re-
pressed emotions, fear of abandonment, and sitophilia.
I know a number of you out there are enamored of Martin over at LeanGains, as his philosophy
lends itself to a somewhat less structured approach to dieting. Im unconvinced, however, in the
for the progenitor of that theory, Ori Hofmekler. The human body is designed to store bodyfat
that youre training your body to expect daily famines for which it must store fat. According to the
thermogenesis, lipolysis (Farshchi, Yunsheng). This is important, as these frequent feedings should
speed your metabolism enough to aid in keeping your bulking phase lean. Old-school strongmen
will contend that this will retard your gains, but Id suggest that the utilization of my method allows
our original goal.
As wed probably like to guard against too much encroachment into muscular gains by the thermo-
gensis created by frequent feedings, it would behoove us to ensure that this is not going to nega-
tively impact anabolism. Science to the rescue again, as studies appear to show that protein utili-
zation and anabolism is decreased when one force-feeds rather than spreads their nutrient intake
throughout the day (Cohn et al). The delivery can either come in the form of slow-digesting pro-
tein a couple of times a day, or faster digesting protein at regular, frequent intervals, but studies do
seem to show that protein utilization is improved if its spread throughout the day, rather restricted
to infrequent, large feedings (Mosoni , Patreau).
So, with what are we left? Flexibility. Im not talking about stretching your muscles- Im referring
to stretching your mind. Obviously, dogmatism really never enters into my dietary or weightlifting
regimes, as I pull from a wide variety of clinical studies and esoteric sources. Im constantly evalu-
ating both my performance and appearance (I dont test my body fat levels), and tweaking my diet
there from. Ill tinker with a macronutrient ratios, timing and frequency of cheat meals, the num-
ber of my meals, and any number of variables in my workout routine. To fail to do so would be
beyond insane, but Ive heard umpteen stories about people following bullshit diets for months on
end, seeing no results, and bitching about the failure of their diet, their genetics, and virtually ev-
erything on Earth other than their own failure to evaluate and adjust their diets to suit their needs.
Its akin to putting your car on cruise control and then going to sleep, thinking that the fact that the
road is straight means youll arrive at your destination safe and sound.
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Progress in diet and in lifting is far from a steady progression- its more like a sine wave, though
youre hoping to end up more above than below the x-axis. The key is to recognize downward
trends and adjust your diet and training accordingly, to thwart your bodys continual efforts to
return you to homeostasis and mediocrity. If you can do that, while keeping your goal in sight and
refraining from the urge to spend all of your time online dithering about what to do, rather than
simply doing it, clean bulking should be a goal entirely within anyones reach.
CANT GAIN WEIGHT? GUESS WHAT- YOURE DOING IT WRONG 1

There is nothing new under the sun, without question, and nowhere is that adage more often reaf-
with programming, in spite of the fact that the program contained therein appears to have been
pulled from the previous 43,000 entries with EXACTLY the same fucking insipid details. Addi-
weight, followed by assertions that the only way theyd be able to gain weight is through use of
dreaded, illegal, immoral, and possibly deadly anabolic substances. These posts are as frequent as
they are hackneyed, and match the veracity of an obese womans claims that she barely eats. Just
as the fatties have convincing evidence supporting the idea that they are wildly under-reporting
their food intake (the median energy intake for obese men and overweight and obese women [in
all studies] was below that required even for minimal sedentary activity(Jones)), Im convinced that
these hapless 135 lb assholes spinning their wheels in the gym are either the victims of a massive
conspiracy by the US government to infect our nations youth with tapeworms or theyre lying
motherfuckers. Given that their overweight counterparts are lying through their bloated, fat-en-
crusted, and probably unwashed teeth, Im going to go with the latter.
here, here, and here, but I think its high time we investigated the diets of strength athletes who
have gotten right the fuck after it in terms of bulking throughout history. With the exception of
Dave Tate, who outlines JM Blakelys take on bulking (which seems representative of the power-
lifting community as a whole), the following lifters all competed in the pre-steroid era, to forestall
whining out of the spindly fuckers who are forever contending that weight gain can only be made
by those who use gear. Thus, without further ado, I give you:
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Arthur Saxon
Vital Statistics
Height: 510
Weight: 200 lbs.
Chest: 49
Biceps: 17 1/8
Forearm: 14 3/4
Thigh: 24
Calf: 16 3/4
Bent Press: 371 lbs.
Two Hands Anyhow: 448 lbs.
Clean and Press: 342 lbs.
Of all of the guys on whom Ive blogged, Saxon has got to be my favorite. A consummate maniac,
this guy lifted big, lived bigger, and ate even bigger than that. Given the fact that the guy topped
out at 200 lbs, youd expect the following to be a giant bag of bullshit and historical revisionism. It
is, however, straight from the proverbial mouth of a friend of Saxons teammate. The following are
direct quotes about what the Saxon Trio (Arthur was the most famous and distinguished lifter in a
competitive team) ate.
For breakfast they ate 24 eggs and 3 pounds of smoked bacon; porridge with cream, hon-
ey, marmalade and tea with plenty of sugar. At three oclock they had dinner: ten pounds of
meat was consumed with vegetables (but not much potatoes); sweet fruits, raw or cooked,
sweet cakes, salads, sweet puddings, cocoa and whipped cream and very sweet tea. Supper,
this they had a chat and at one oclock went to bed.

The Saxons did have a health drink which I presume they concocted themselves. The in-
gredients were dark lager beer (or Dublin stout) mixed with Holland gin, the yolk of an egg
and plenty of sugar. It is a very good but strong drink was the Saxon opinion, but, if you
are not used to it you will get dizzy very quickly. It seems to me that one would have to be a
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Later, in England, as performers, Hermann and Kurt were partial to sweet foods and sugar.
consuming one pound of butter between them, they failed to gain weight; sometimes only a
few pounds which they could not hold. Arthur, the oldest, did not care for sweets and but-
ter; even as a child he did not care for butter. Instead of butter he would use the lard from
pork.
Their three oclock dinner consisted mostly of roasted or fried meat, beef, pork or veal, not
much potatoes, plenty of salads with oil just as in their childhood. Sometimes they had veg-
etables, but always lean meat. Every day they had pudding-yorkshire, rice, sago, etc., but very
sweet. Then there was always raw or cooked fruits and nothing to drink. Sometimes, on one
day during the week, they roasted poultry, goose, chicken, or turkey.
potatoes. At six oclock they had tea-this was mostly raw minced meat with raw onions,
German bread and plenty of butter; sometimes sweet cakes and coffee were substituted.
Their late supper included herrings (when they could get them) and eaten in the same
manner they had become accustomed to in childhood. The herrings were sometimes used
in salad form; they made their own mayonnaise with raw whipped eggs and oil. There never
was any whisky or brandy at home. Even as children they did not care for milk and as men
they developed no taste for it. At tea time they very often had whipped cream. They did
not care for boiled eggs, instead, they went big for poached eggs with plenty of butter(Ga-
dreau).
That, my friends, is fucking eating. Saxon was never fat on this diet, which would tend to lead
one to believe that the more you lift (the Saxon Trio spent 4-6 hours a day training with near limit
poundages) the more you need to eat. Additionally, Ill go out on a limb and suggest that at least
part of the reason for the Saxons legendary strength was their heavy utilization of foods heavy in
saturated fats, which are positively correlated with endogenous testosterone levels (Volek)
Louis Cyr
Vital Statistics
Height: 58.5
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Weight: 320
Neck - 20
Biceps - 20
Forearms - 16.3
Chest - 55.2
Waist - 47.4
Thighs - 28.5
Calves - 19.3
As youd expect out of a guy with a waist damn near as big around as his chest, Cyr was a glut-
tonous motherfucker. Piggish as he was, however, he was one of the strongest human beings to
ever walk the Earth. Cyrs lifts are the stuff of legend- Cyr one-arm jerk pressed 273.5 lbs with a
thick-handled dumbbell, resisted the pull of four draught horses, two each side, pulling away at his
clenched hands, regardless of grooms cracking their whips to encourage the horses to pull harder
and strain their haunches, and did a back lift with 4,000+ pounds (Gentle).
His appetite was even more legendary than his lifts, however, as I think even the freakish Japanese
eating champs would have trouble eating like Cyr. According to George Jowett, He could eat
more than four ordinary men at one sitting, and took a keen delight watching the amazement creep
over the waiters face when he turned in his order at the hotel. Six pounds of meat at one meal was
nothing for him. He could devour that for breakfast.... Many a gourmand has gone away wiser in
head and lighter in pocket after a meat-and-potato contest with the giant Louis(111). One time
[Louis and Barre] had an eating match to be decided by which could devour a twenty-two pound
suckling pig the quickest, and they say that Louis was done when Horace was little more than half-
way through(134). Its that kind of eating that fuels a big body, rather than the ridiculous body-
builder-style chicken and rice fests that comprise the best of the scrawny-lifters bleating about
their inability to gain weight.
Doug Hepburn
Vital Statistics
Height: 58
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Weight: 300
Hepburns diet relied on two cornerstones: milk and eggs. This is fairly unsurprising given that he
was a Hoffman product, and Bob Hoffman was one of the progenitors of milk and egg protein
supplements. What was surprising, however, was the amount of food Hepburn ate- as a young
lifter, at every meal, he ate 18 eggs, a bunch of bananas, and a half gallon of milk. This amounts to
a total of 540 grams of protein, which increased as his bodyweight increased. (Katterle) Later in
life, he continued to eat in such a manner as to make the dead fat guy from Se7en look like he was
a light snacker, and would eat 6-8 eggs with every meal, a normal portion of meat, and wash it all
down with a shitload of milk 4-5 times a day. Additionally, Hepburn consumed massive quantities
of protein supplements and vitamins, and consumed as much as three imperial quarts during a
two-hour workout.(Kiiha) Thus, he was drinking well over a gallon of milk a day, in addition to a
couple of dozen eggs as a supplement to his regular food intake.
Hermann Goerner
Vital Statistics
Height: 61
Weight: 264-293
Neck: 20
Expanded Chest: 52.5
Biceps: 18.75
Forearms: 17
Waist: 38
Thighs: 27
Another one of my all-time favorites, Goerner was pretty much a gigantic version of Arthur Saxon,
with the addition of war hero status, elephant-wrestling, and a Hitler mustache. I blogged about
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him here, and consider him to be one of the single coolest people to have ever lived. Like the rest
-
trast to Hepburn, Goerner eschewed milk products for meat, which he ate in any form he could
for a strong man, with emphasis laid on eating good meals with the accent on meat! He particu-
larly partial to pork and beef and also wurst- German sausagemeat. Vegetables also, together with
potatoes, but not overdoing the latter. He is very fond of nuts- particularly walnuts- and all fruits:
apples especially, which he thinks every strongman should eat, as well as oranges and other citrus
drink milk in any quantity(Mueller 108-9). Utilizing that paleo-esque diet, Goerner hit an all time
bodyweight high of 293, and remained fairly lean while doing so. The key to his weight gain was
quantity, as he would spend a couple of hours in the bar attached to his gym eating sausage and
drinking beer after every workout.

Today we continue our foray into the mysteries of weight gain. Mysteries more mysterious than
the most mysterious Scooby Doo episode, and possibly more mysterious than the mysterious love
child that would be produced if Sherlock Holmes, the cast of Scooby Doo, the Hardy Boys, and
Nancy drew had a massive, week-long orgy. That child would likely be called Eat More, You
Fucking Jitbag, and hed look suspiciously like a plate of hamburgers, but hed wear a cape so as to
play up the mysterious angle.
To wit, more evidence:
JM Blakely
Vital Statistics
Height: No idea
Weight: Competed at 275 and 308, in addition to two other weight classes (220 and 242, presum-
ably)
Benched 710 @ 308
which has been posted ad nauseam. One of his most famous quotes is Remember - If you want
to beat the man, youve gotta out-eat the man! Though it should come as no surprise, all of the
criticism surrounding Blakelys diet prescriptions centers around how fat it would make a person...
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ignoring completely the fact that Blakely himself wasnt fat. As such, groupthink predominates
and Blakelys dieting suggestions are little more than fodder for online shit-talking by assholes who
remain weak as kittens (likely because they spend all of the live-long day talking shit over the inter-
net rather than lifting). In any event, Blakelys bulking suggestions are as wild as they are obviously
effective, and here they are as related by Dave Tate:
For breakfast you need to eat four of those breakfast sandwiches from McDonalds. I dont
care which ones you get, but make sure to get four. Order four hash browns, too. Now grab
two packs of mayonnaise and put them on the hash browns and then slip them into the
sandwiches. Squish that shit down and eat. Thats your breakfast.
For lunch youre gonna eat Chinese food. Now I dont want you eating that crappy stuff.
You wanna get the stuff with MSG. None of that non-MSG bullshit. I dont care what you
eat but you have to sit down and eat for at least 45 minutes straight. You cant let go of the
fork. Eat until your eyes swell up and become slits and you start to look like the woman be-
hind the counter.
For dinner youre gonna order an extra-large pizza with everything on it. Literally every-
thing. If you dont like sardines, dont put em on, but anything else that you like you have
to load it on there. After you pay the delivery guy, I want you to take the pie to your coffee
table, open that fucker up, and grab a bottle of oil. It can be olive oil, canola oil, whatever.
Anything but motor oil. And I want you to pour that shit over the pie until half of the bottle
is gone. Just soak the shit out of it.
Now before you lay into it, I want you to sit on your couch and just stare at that fucker. I
want you to understand that that pizza right there is keeping you from your goals.
Now youre on the clock, he continues. After 20 minutes your brain is going to tell you
youre full. Dont listen to that shit. You have to try and eat as much of the pizza as you can
before that 20-minute mark. Double up pieces if you have to. Im telling you now, youre go-
ing to get three or four pieces in and youre gonna want to quit. You fucking cant quit. You
have to sit on that couch until every piece is done.
Cause Im gonna tell you that you dont give a fuck about getting bigger and you dont care
how much you lift!
Did I do it? Hell yeah. Started the next day and did it for two months. Went from 260
pounds to 297 pounds. And I didnt get much fatter. One of the hardest things Ive ever
done in my life, though(Green).
The caloric intake on Blakelys diet is colossal. An EliteFTS contributor calculated that the total
caloric intake on this diet is conservatively placed at over 11k calories per day.
Calories (kcal)
4 breakfast sandwiches: 1800
4 hash browns: 600
2 packs mayo: 160
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Chinese buffet binge: 4000

Large pizza w/ the works: 3040
Olive oil: 2000
Total: 11,600 kcals (Patterson)
In spite of his seemingly ridiculous assertions about bulking, Blakely appears to be a remarkably
intelligent and level-headed guy about it. He states, for instance:
Remember that the weight gain is to be temporary. You should plan a reducing diet to
the new strength you amassed during the bulking phase while lowering your body fat to the
same level you started at. You are not training to get stronger, only to hold the strength you
have while dropping the excess. Commit yourself to the goal of returning to your starting
level of bodyfat and see how much of the new strength youre kept. If you diet right, it
should be above 80%. So that is your true gain. The gain you keep after gaining and losing
the excess bodyfat is what counts. If you gain 20 lbs on your bench and lose 15 when you
diet, you missed the point. If you gain 20 lbs on the bench and keep 15 (16) youve achieved
something and done it correctly. Now repeat this process as necessary!! I suggest that you
only hold your weight heavy for no longer than 5-6 months before you diet back down. Each
time you repeat this process, you will hold more strength and have more muscle mass than
before. Avoid staying heavy too long. It is only temporary(Blakely).
In that light, the suggestions Dave Tate blithely applied to his own diet make far more sense. The
idea is not that one should become a giant fatass- the idea is that true dramatic changes to ones
physique occur as the result of dramatic efforts both in the gym and at the dinner table. Fears of
fat-assedness can thus hardly be maintained with any degree of validity due to the fact that Blakelys
diet is not intended to be conducted like a runaway train, but rather as a cyclical method for in-
creasing lean body mass while maintaining ones level of bodyfat. It is, if you will, the ABCDE diet
(read more here) taken to an enormous temporal extreme. Will that allay the fears of the internets
legions of skinny-fat know-nothings? Certainly not, but those idiots are beyond helping anyway,
so lets dig a shallow ditch, shove them in, plant a gym atop it and laugh as we shit on their burial
ground.
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Anthony Ditillo
Vital Statistics
Height: 56
Weight: 258 lbs
Strict Standing OH Press:350 lbs.
Seated press to forehead: 435x3 (thats not a typo- that comes from Poliquin himself)
Ditillos name isnt really a household name, outside of those people who read Dezso Ban and
associate the name Ditillo with that site. He was, however, an incredibly strong and insightful guy
Ditillo wrote for Iron Man magazine for a couple of decades and practiced what he preached- he
bulked to 300 at one point and then cut down to 190 thereafter. Given his pedigree, lifting accom-
plishments, and the fact that he was a master of weight manipulation, youd think that hed be the
go to guy on the subject, but information on this motherfucker is as scanty as the few biographical
tidbits I could locate are obsequious. Nevertheless, he had the following to say on the subject of
weight gain, which I pared down from a rather lengthy article:
Today the physical culture world is enveloped with training systems most of which are not
worth the paper they are printed on. You hear all kinds of reasons for not being able to gain
weight: high metabolism, low metabolism, high energy level, low energy level. What is all the
ballyhoo about? If you have low metabolism than your problem would not be one of being
unable to gain weight, but of controlling this weight and keeping reasonably lean. If, on the
other hand, you have a high metabolism you must perform mass muscle movements in low
sets of repetitions twice a week. You also must continuously force yourself to eat more and
more good wholesome food. Drink lots of milk. It can really make you grow. Eats lots of
lean meat. Its good for you. And dont forget the fruits and vegetables. Theyre ALL import-
ant.
So you see, its not all that involved when it comes to gaining weight. All you have to know is
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powder and powdered milk can go a long way in increasing your weight. Six to eight meals a
day (solid as well as liquid included) may be necessary to jolt your system to adaptability for
gaining weight.
All Italian foods are high in calories and loaded with carbohydrates for energy along with
quite a bit of protein in the form of grated cheese, pizza cheese, meatballs, veal, according to
the ingredients.
Sample Weight Gaining Soup

Three cups prepared vegetable soup.
One cup peas.
One cup corn niblets.
One pound precooked lean beef.
One cup pork and beans.
One cup lima beans.
One cooked potato, cut up.
Do not add any water to the above recipe.
Sample Weight Gaining Drink

One quart whole milk.
One pint light cream.
One pint heavy cream.
One pint ice cream.
Two packets gelatin.
One cup skim milk powder.
Three tbsp. honey.
One cup fruit salad.
One cup protein powder.
Blend the ingredients together. I would recommend drinking half this mixture an hour be-
with all the information and suggestions in this article I cant see why anyone cant gain all
the weight he wants.
Clearly, he and Blakely were precisely on the same page about eating to gain weight- its simply a
food as you possibly can at every opportunity. He was far more of a fan of getting his calories in
liquid form than was Blakely, but the message remains the same- if you eat it, you will grow.
Additionally, Ditillo didnt believe that you should continuously stuff yourself until you resembled
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one of the disgusting tubby motherfuckers you see oozing around Wal-Mart on a Rascal. Instead,
Ditillo recommended periodic cutting phases to consolidate ones gains and ensure that you max-
imized your strength to weight ratio... an idea that seems to have died out in the 21st century as
various fatasses justify their impending coronary with assertions that absolute strength, no relative
strength, is the only true marker of overall strength.
Norbert Schemansky
Vital Statistics
Height: 511 (181 cm)
Weight: 90-121 kg
Set 13 World Records in Olympic Weightlifting
3 time World Champion in Oly Weightlifting
Pan American Champ
434.5 lb Jerk at 194 lbs.
441 lb continental and jerk at 194 lbs.
One of only a few people to lift the Apollon wheels (366 lbs of train wheels on a fat bar)
Presumably due to the utter ridiculousness of his name, Ski, as he came to be called, is one
pissed off motherfucker. Though youve likely never heard his name, hes one of the best-built
heavyweight Olympic lifters of all time, and pulled off a bevy of coups in the Olympics against the
Russians, earning a medals in the Olympics over 16 years- silver in London in 1948, gold in 1952
in 1960 and Tokyo in 1964. His story is actually fairly interesting, as he essentially lived in utter
poverty throughout his lifting career to pursue his Olympic dream. This was not because he was a
Hepburn clone who couldnt communicate with other human beings and lived in the gym- instead,
its because he recognized that most people suck and was not afraid to tell them about it. In Skis
words:
I was working at Briggs Manufacturing and I asked for time off, and one of the guys from
I said, Bleep you, Im leaving(Green)

In case you were curious, Ski was a super heavyweight at the end of his career. He started, howev-
er, as a middle-heavyweight, and continually gained weight and continued to dominate throughout
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his career, all while staying fairly lean.
The diet he used to dominate the fuck out of the commies? I like to call it The American
Dream. This consisted of Hamburgers. Pizza. Beer, according to Ski, in such quantities that he
claimed Budwiser would have made him a millionaire with sponsorships, as would have Mike Illitch
(founder of Little Caesars) (Green).
Random Tidbits
Frankly, I dont thing theres any amount of evidence I could proffer that would convince most of
the dickbags whining about weight gain, but thats never stopped me trying before. Some people
wont listen to reason, no matter how much evidence is provided to disabuse them of their idiotic
positions- Ive even seen criticisms online that I provided no evidence to support my claims that
persistence hunting and the evolution of distance running were a pile of shit, despite the fact
that cited 41 separate sources in the four evidence entries ranging from anthropological resourc-
emotions will blind the living shit out of people and theyll ignore evidence right in front of them
so as to not feel like the pile of shit they know themselves to be. In any event, here are a few more
tidbits from a variety of lifters before I move on:
Ed Coan: Coan wrestled at 98 pounds in high school, and holds records in powerlifting at
181, 198, 220, and 242. The man clearly knows how to gain weight and make it fucking count. His
cheat, I cheat (Koenig).

Pat Casey: Ive blogged about this guy before, and he was another master weight manip-
ulator. Like everyone else about whom Ive blogged, Casey believed protein to be the critical com-
ponent of any diet, and when bulking he would drink 6 quarts of milk daily plus dozen eggs
with protein. He would also take numerous vitamins. His diet was based around meat, milk, and
eggs, and everything else was a secondary consideration.
Paul Anderson: Anderson was a fat motherfucker, but he was a strong, fat motherfucker.
(Blogs here) Anderson went after weight gain just like he did everything else- big and bold. Exact-
ly like Ditillo, Anderson believed that it was a massive pain in the ass to eat all the time, so he drank
the majority of his calories. According to Anderson, he sometimes consumed three to four quarts
of milk per day, and would occasionally blend a dozen raw eggs into sweet (condensed?) milk.
Later, he experimented with mixing protein powder into the sweet milk with eggs and ice cream,
in addition to drinking cow blood and a bunch of other craziness.(Anderson) He also ate massive
amounts of peanuts, put gelatin into all of his juices to add protein, and ate a tremendous amount
of strength-building soups invented by his mom, which consisted various combinations of meat
the additions of massive amounts of sugar to his diet:

Occasionally I would drink soft drinks during my training and noticed when I did
this I could perform much better, and my digestive cycle would work much faster.
This proved to me that I needed a great deal more sugar. It seemed that the more
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protein I took, the more sugar I needed to help digest the protein, and also give me
soon found that much of the honey that could be bought in grocery stores did not do
me as much good as honey direct from the beehive, bought from a farmer. It was my
personal belief that much of the honey that was on the market had been heated in a
pasteurizing process and had lost some of its quick digesting qualities.
On that note, I can stop giving examples in good conscience. If youre complaining you cannot
gain weight, no matter what you do, but havent tried adding liquid beef fat to your soup and con-
suming a metric ton of fucking sugar every day, youve not yet scratched the surface of trying to
gain weight. For those of you slavering for evidence supporting my contentions about the link
between fat and testosterone, theyll be in the next installment of the series, in addition to some
interesting common themes in the training methods of the lifters Ive outlined here.

Having covered myriad weight gain diets used by champion lifters throughout the last hundred
years, a couple of prominent themes rose to the surface:
all diets should be protein-centric. No true muscular weight gain can take place without
making massive protein consumption ones primary goal.
ones diet should be high in animal fats. Fats seemed to comprise the caloric majority of all
of the diets I outlined and seem to play a vital role in muscular weight gain and strength training in
general.
a proper weight gain diet contains what would appear to a casual observer to be a ludicrous
number of calories.
The utility of protein in any weight trainers diet has been covered ad nauseam by myself and oth-
ers, and hardly seems worth revisiting. In short, without devoting a considerable portion of your
diet to high-quality protein sources, you will not grow. Additionally, high levels of protein con-
sumption is positively correlated with bone mass (Cooper), inversely correlated with serum concen-
trations of sex hormone-binding globulin (the shit in your blood that prevents your testosterone
from binding to your receptors, aka shit in your blood that sucks)(Longcope), may improve ath-
letic performance, and despite vast amounts of negative press based on ancient studies (Campbell),
do not negatively affect renal function(Ibid). Rob Faigin devoted half of his epic, must read book
to protein, so its got to be good, right?
Conversely, high fat diets have received either mixed reviews in the press or overwhelmingly nega-
tive reviews, but are rarely portrayed as anything but highly dangerous and possibly insane. In my
investigation, however, fat is the unsung hero of strongmen. The utility of a diet high in animal
fats is perhaps the most interesting theme running through the diets of sundry strongmen, and
that every last one of those motherfuckers ate saturated fat like they were persistence hunting a
coronary. Though I doubt any of them knew it, the inclusion of massive amounts of fat in the diet
has been shown to markedly increase testosterone levels. According to a 1982 study, high fat diets
Page 186
resulted in markedly improved serum testosterone concentrations when compared with low fat
diets. Additionally, the switch from one diet to the other caused test levels to change accordingly.
In this study, dietary percentages of fat and carbohydrates ranged from 25%-40% and 45%-57%,
-
duces the biologically active, free testosterone in serum (Hamalainen et al).
Another study was conducted in 2004 on the subject that made things a bit more interesting by
comparing the effect of fat intake on strength athletes to non-athletes, and found that there was a
corroborate the incidental correlation between the supermen Ive outlined in this series and their
diets. This correlation was found to exist even more impressively in another Penn State study in
1994, which showed that the correlation between dietary fat and testosterone levels is even high-
er than the correlation between weight training (albeit a fairly ridiculous program of jump squats
and bench pressing).(Volek et al) The result of both studies, however, is the theory that dietary
fat and protein intake may lead to [positive] alterations in the regulation of the endocrine system
during prolonged strength training and that saturated fatty acids and monounsaturated fatty acids
are strongly associated with serum basal testosterone concentrations (Ibid). In short- if you train
wings and beef ribs with lower overall bodyfat, harder erections, more physical strength, better
Finally, as JM Blakely stated so succinctly, Remember - If you want to beat the man, youve gotta
out-eat the man! I am perhaps among the worst of the strength training community in over-ana-
Certainly it bears mentioning that there are some caveats to this rule, and that the composition of
ones diet is just as important as its volume, but volume is a generally ignored issue in weight gain,
eating as opposed to what- the what only enters into play when examining the kind of weight
youre gaining. Thus, if you want to gain weight, you need to line up protein-rich foods and attack
them like youre Kobayashi in an eating competition with Galactus.
The themes consistent across these strongmens lifestyles actually extend further than their vo-
racious appetites and amusing food choices. Not surprisingly, most or all of the superhumanly
strong motherfuckers Ive mentioned in their series made mention of the necessity of making like
a modern-day Rip Van Winkle. Anderson stated outright that more than 8 hours was necessary,
Hepburn apparently found 10 hours was the golden amount (Katterle), Pat Casey agreed with Hep-
burn (Casey), and Arthur Saxon got at least 8 hours a night (Gaudreau). Most of them mentioned
the importance of sleep in terms of recovery, and should thus be a consideration for the lot of you
as well. Amusingly, I get a multitude of questions regarding the necessity of sleep, in spite of the
fact that Ive made my opinion on the subject fairly plain. As such, heres a blanket answer to the
question is there a way around the sleep issue? NO. There is not.
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Insomnia?
(which is probably a good plan even if youre not having any trouble sleeping-who needs a reason
to fuck up a frat boy?).
No time for sleep?
Make some.
You cant?
I guess youre fucked, then.
The last trend I noticed in my research was the propensity for these trainers to stay in the 5 reps
or less range. Saxon, Anderson, and Hepburn all seemed to favor 1-3 reps, and the only person
who consistently seemed to train at a higher rep range than 5 on a regular basis was Ed Coan,
who would venture into the 6-8 range. Ive mentioned previously my problems with the rep range
-
dotal evidence to support my supposition that the conventionally accepted ideas about rep ranges
and hypertrophy are total horseshit. Ill touch more on this issue in a future blog, so this anecdotal
To wrap up, IT COULD NOT BE SIMPLER:

eat more protein and saturated fat.
lift very heavy
get a bare minimum of eight hours sleep.
I never claimed it was rocket science- these are not men who spent a lot of time dithering about
shit.
ITS TIME TO STOP MOCKING INDIANS FOR THEIR CLUBBELLS #4:
Before their jacked brown bodies were pulled into the cold, clammy bosom of the British Empire,
Indians were hard as fucking nails. Ive already expounded upon this pretty hard, detailing the
wacky shit up to which they used to get, like sports that consisted of angering male bulls in heat
and dinging the worlds most dangerous pole dancing, but it went further than that. Additionally,
Indians were fucking jacked back in the day, though their physiques differed pretty markedly from
that of what one would typically think of when theyre thinking jacked. Rather than looking like
Ronnie everybody wanna be big but dont nobody wanna lift no heavy ass weight Coleman, they
looked quite a bit more like what wed all picture Paul Bunyan to look like- thickly muscled, big-ass
that look actively, for some reason, thinking that bodybuilders simply look like a bunch of weird
bodyparts jammed together and held in place with the liberal application of staples and hot glue. I
dont think, however, it was their training that created the different physiques so much as their diets,
however, and the modern diet of the pehlwans (which literally means strong man, but essentially
means wrestler) is pretty much as wild as you can imagine. If you thought sumo wrestlers got up
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to some dietary shenanigans, prepare to have your mind blown harder than a university of South
Carolina running backs knees.
Before I dive into the diets of Indian strong men, it bears mentioning that Indian diets differ con-
your activity level. Thus, if youre quick-tempered and wrestle and lift all day, you want to eat cool
foods, but if youre lazy and stoic, you should probably be eating hot food. Additionally, Indian
Ayurvedic medicine actually prescribes differing diets for each season. Theres a bit of weird logic
behind it into which I wont really go, but they recommend, for instance, that you eat fattier foods
in the winter, lighter foods in the summer, and lean, protein rich, dry foods in the rainy season. Ba-
sically, youre eating to balance yourself out with the world around you. This is, I realize, a far fuck-
ing cry from what you were probably expecting, given my penchant for breaking down shit by their
macronutrients and delving into the complex physiological unpinning of a given dietary choice, but
the Indians dont give a fuck about that shit. Theyre relying, it seems, on good old-fashioned al-
chemy, some guesswork, and possibly some magical chicanery for their diets. There are recommen-
Wikipedia one day.
I cannot quite dive into Indian lifters diets yet, though, because I have to debunk a common myth.
That myth is that Hindu Indians eschew any and all meat, with beef being format amongst their
dietary taboos. This is, like most common knowledge, total fucking horseshit. Though I would
hardly call myself an absolute authority on Indian history, I can state that there appears to be com-
pelling evidence showing that vegetarianism in India is a remarkably modern phenomenon. It
seems to have been imposed, over time, as an outgrowth of theocratic sentiment, rather than any
religious prescription. Similar to the prohibition of meat eating on Fridays by the Catholic Church,
there was a rather dark economic rationale behind the prohibition of beef consumption. Amus-
ingly, the widespread prohibition of beef and other meat consumption occurred contiguous with
Indias precipitous fall from a position as a world power. Thats not to say these dietary proscrip-
tions were followed, however, but rather that the edicts themselves were issued.
In the distant past, Indians ate just about anything made of meat of which you could think- their
highest castes considered consecrated meat consumption to actually be a form of worship. The
Rigveda frequently refers to the cooking ox meat for offerings to the gods (Jha 29), offerings of 1,
Varuna (Jha 30). Compounding this are statements in the Taittiriya Brahmana that unambiguous-
of beef as the best kind of food in the Satapatha Brahmana (Jha 32). Clearly, the ancient Aryans
were busy grilling steaks every night while subjugating the existing populations, but you might won-
der if the indigenous non-Aryans sided with or against the Chik-Fil-A cows. The answers exactly
what any rational person would think- they were sidling right up to the grill for seconds.
The Harrappan civilization was already established in India when the Aryans invaded, bringing with
Page 189
them the religion that would later become Hinduism. These people werent just lowly hunter-gath-
writing systems in the world. Despite all of that advancement, they were apparently shitty warriors
and got the brakes beat off them by the Aryans, who conquered the Harappans and supplanted
their existing culture with Aryan culture and religion. The produce of the Aryan religion were the
Vedas, a series of Brahmanical texts written over time, not unlike the books of the Christian Bi-
ble. Similarly, these books often contradict each other, though the Vedas are fairly uniform in the
stance on meat consumption- its allowed. Most meat was allowed irrespective of the reason be-
hind the animals killing, though animals generally considered to be dirty were often avoided. Until
the 19th century, Indian sages and Punjabi badasses alike reveled in their meat and ate the fuck out
of it. It wasnt until Hindu temples laid down the law around the country to line their own pockets
that meat really began to be eschewed on a wider scale, but cattle are still regularly slaughtered and
eaten in rural areas of Eastern India, and the Indian Physical Culture Encyclopedia espoused the
consumption of meat as well, particularly in the fall, which falls in line with the Ayurvedic dietary
recommendations (685).
Jumping forward to the modern era, pehlwans unfortunately arent snacking on beef jerky all day
as a fuck you to the assholes who want to keep them from eating delicious, delicious beef. Instead,
they eat a daily caloric catastrophe that makes sumo wrestlers look positively pro-ana by compari-
son. The pehlwans specialized diet is referred to as khurak, and consists primarily of ghee, milk,
and almonds Theyre not as concerned with what they eat, however, as how much of it they eat.
Not unlike the sumo of Japan, these motherfuckers put food away like their name was JM Blakely
and they hated seeing abs more than a fat admirer at a BBW pickup bar. Thus, they drink buck-
ets of milk, eat kilograms of almonds, and devour large quantities of ghi per day(Alter). Because
theyre constantly training, pehlwans attempt to eat the coolest, most sattva foods. Though they
dont always agree on whats most sattva, milk and ghee are considered to be paramount and are
thus their two most important foods, and the foods around which they structure the rest of their
diets. According to Joseph Alter, many pehlwans still eat meat, however.
While meat is regarded as rajas in nature, wrestlers who eat meat tend to rationalize this.
They argue that one can eat meat and to some extent avoid the consequences. The trick is to
neutralize the rajas nature of meat by some form of counteractivity. I was not able to deter-
mine what these counteractivities were. However, many wrestlers implied that meat would
only aggravate ones passion if one were naturally predisposed towards excitability, anger,
and hypertension. Thus anyone who ate meat could, and often did, argue that they were so
sattva by nature that meat did not adversely affect them. Moreover, by virtue of their nat-
urally aggressive military disposition, Rajputs are thought to thrive on meat (cf. Carstairs
1958; Minturn and Hitchcock 1966; Seesodia 1915; Steed 1955). Some Rajput wrestlers argue
that meat is good for them because they should, in a sense, eat what they are(Alter).
Im just going to go on record and state that I think the vast majority of this shit is fully insane- for
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me, this is an entirely intellectual exercise. Im sure theres something to be learned here, though,
so it bears investigation. That investigation does not include ghee, however, as I fucking despise its
taste and smell almost as much as yak butter, which smells like a sweaty old mans balls. Its fucking
horrible. If smegma and dogshit fucked, their unholy spawn would smell like a mild peppermint
candy scented candle compared to burning yak butter, and ghee doesnt smell much better than yak
butter. Additionally, both of those horrid substances have scents that cling to your clothes through
multiple washes, not unlike Animal Pak vitamins. Leave an Animal Pak in your pocket for a day
and see how long it takes to get the smell out- this shit is the same way.
Before you start googling, heres the nutritional breakdown on ghee- its comprised entirely of fat,
and the majority of that is saturated. Ghee has 5 grams of fat per teaspoon, which will be an im-
portant metric when you see how much of it these maniacs consume daily. According to Indians,
ghee is good for nearly everything and serves as a perfect, natural health tonic(Alter). They
of them involve a caulking gun and an open wound. Among the preferred ways to get ghee into
your diet, here are the highlights:
After exercise, place as much ghi as you are accustomed to drinking in a pan. Cover this
through the cloth into the pan with the ghi. Drink this mixture. There are a number of variations
referred to generically as churan. In all such prescriptions, churan, ground pepper, milk, ghi, and
with the other items (Atreya 1984: 28).

After exercise, take powdered black pepper and mix it in with as much ghi as you are ac-
customed to drinking. Heat the ghi to a point where it is compatible with your strength (the heat
referred to here is not only the temperature of the ghi but its latent energy as well). Drink the ghi in
its melted form.
In its melted form ghi is also consumed with food. It may be drunk before the regular meal
or mixed in with lentils and vegetables or poured on bread and rice.
One of the best ways to take ghi in your diet is to mix it with dried, powdered nuts and
grains. Basically anything which is dry in naturedry in the sense of being non-unctuouscan
be mixed with ghi in this way. Take whatever it is that you wish to mixalmonds, chana, (p. 122 )
-
cise regimen.
In the evening, take your usual quantity of milk and warm it. Add to this as much ghi as
you are accustomed to drinking. Allow this mixture to form into yogurt through the addition of the
correct culture. Drink this yogurt after your morning exercises. Be sure not to add any water.
Grind almonds and black pepper together with some water. Heat up as much ghi as you
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wish to drink and then add the almond paste to the ghi. Add some sugar and drink this mixture.
-
ture as a snack after exercise.
Mix as much ghi as you wish to drink with as much warm milk as you are able to drink.
Consume this after exercise. This is different from the other prescriptions in that no digestive ton-
ics are mixed with the milk and ghi (Alter).
My abject hatred of ghee aside, there appears to be a little method to this madness. Ghees ren-
dered butter, which means its almost entirely saturated fat. As such, its incredibly anabolic. The
pehlwans seem to like to add both high-glycemic carbs and protein to ghee post workout, making
what would probably be the worlds most disgusting but reasonably nutritious post-workout shake.
Perhaps a bit more reasonable are their post-workout milk drinking habits. Depending on the
wrestler, they consume milk either raw or boiled, and then alter it for fat content to suit their needs.
Based on their digestive abilities, wrestlers seem to either go high-carb/low fat, or moderate carb/
stupidly high fat. For the former, they add sugar or molasses to low fat milk, and in the latter they
add fruit and yogurt to full-fat milk to make a high-fat milkshake called lassi (Alter).
While they have a bit of nutritional logic on their side for the inclusion of ghee in their diets, the
volume thereof is another matter entirely. These motherfuckers drink liquid butter in amounts that
to Joseph Alter,
Wrestlers tend to increase the volume of consumption in proportion to the number of
exercises they do in their vyayam (p. 126 ) regimen. There is no simple equation for this but
wrestlers who do 1,500 dands and 3,000 bethaks consume about half a liter of ghi and two
liters of milk per day. Since the amount of milk, ghi, and almonds one can eat is a direct
In many respects being able to eat and digest half a liter of ghi per day is regarded as a kind
of exercise in its own right. One must work up to this volume gradually. It is said that Sadhi-
-
grams) of ghi per day.
FIVE FUCKING KILOGRAMS A DAY. Lets do the math, kids.
That is, of course, impossible for a human being to consume or digest, but even if it was a tenth
of that, itd be a hell of a lot of fat. No matter what kind of silly-assed Herschell Walker workout
nonsense youre doing, thats a ridiculous amount of fat, and an astonishing amount of calories for
a single food source... a food source that is a fucking condiment. Even the half a liter a day num-
ber is ridiculous, however- a half liter of ghee a day yields 5000 calories of fat, which is 4500 calo-
ries from fat. Thats a preposterous amount of fat for a person to consume in a day.
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As I mentioned, the third member of the pantheon of food that comprises the pehlwans dietary
abomination is almonds, which they believe improve their stamina and speed. Almonds are crazy
expensive, however, so chickpeas are often consumed as a substitute. The almonds get mashed
into a paste and then added to milk or ghee, whereas the chickpeas are left to sprout in water, then
seasoned with salt, pepper, and lemon. The water used in the sprouting process is then drunk to
increase the pehwans strength, apparently utilizing some metabolic pathway of which I am wholly
unaware. They appear to eat the fuck out of chickpeas, however, as theyre the cheapest protein
source available to the average Indian.
Beyond the aforementioned, pehlwans eat a variety of foods, ranging from in season fruits to green
veggies to grains to meat. All of those, however, are simply considered supplements to the afore-
mentioned 4 foods. Theres actually more to the Indian dietary craziness, but its too weird and too
complex to go into right now- as a preview, it involves trying not to cum for as long as possible.
attempt to explain it going forward.
Did You Know?

not all Indians are Hindu. A mere 8 of 10 Indians are Hindu. My failure to mention this
makes me a bad person, apparently. Although Indians invented Buddhism, no one in India appears
to give a shit, since theyre less than a percent of the population. Muslims and Christians make up
the majority of the remainder, and are not vegetarian. Well, not as a general rule. Some of them
might be. We can only hope theyre not.
it is not nice to make fun of ascetics, no matter how much they beg you to with their exis-
tence.
although I mentioned that certain regions of India eat meat, some of you missed that part.
Vegetarianism is widespread in India, especially in major population centers, but is not universal.
chickpeas are also called garbanzo beans, and might be magical. To get 150g of protein
from them, you need only eat 10 cups of them, or a bit over a kilo and a half of them (about 3.6
lbs)
might be a communist. Oh, and I know nothing about India.
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Sex is mathematics. Individuality no longer an issue. What does intel-
cure. Justice is dead. Fear, recrimination, innocence, sympathy, guilt,

waste, failure, grief, were things, emotions, that no one really felt any-
-
manence. God is not alive. Love cannot be trusted. Surface, surface,
surface, was all that anyone found meaning inthis was civilization as
DIETING THE CNP WAY:

Some people think throwing a bunch of diets in a blender is a giant pile of horseshit. I, however,
think that most people should keep their fucking teeth together most of the time because they have
the analytical and general cognitive skills of a low-achieving turnip. A turnip jammed up the ass
of a fat, hairy, drunken Moldovan with a penchant for buggary and an unwillingness to wash his
genitals for the last several years. A turnip who chose that situation as ideal, because that turnip has
particularly bad decision making abilities, even for a turnip. Ive blogged at length in the past about
the theories of biological individuality and metabolic typing, both of which have played major roles
in my dietary formulations and experimentation. For those of you whod like a primer on them,
heres a bit of a rundown:
Biochemical Individuality is the theory that Every individual organism that has a distinctive
(Williams
190). Though the concept of human individuality is treated like the kiddie-touching Uncle at a family reunion in
the modern era of egalitarianism, its been noted by anyone with eyes throughout history that humans vary widely
in size, shape, and color, both inside and out. For instance, English surgeon and possible scat-obsessed necrophiliac
Frederich Traves noted that intestinal lengths in human corpses he studied varied between 15 and 31 feet, and that
colons varied in similar ways (Wharton, 184). In BI, Williams goes on to note that humans arent simply limited to
wide variations in intestinal length, but that there are differences in terms of orders of magnitude between the size,
shape, and location of organs throughout the human body, and that these differences account for massive discrep-
ancies between the function of each persons individual biological systems.
Metabolic Typing (the modern version) is the brainchild of William Wolcott and derives its basis
from the aforementioned biochemical individuality, in addition to a landslide of historical precedent. It
states that there are three primary human genotypes in terms of dietary necessity- Protein, Mixed, and Carbohy-
drate. Essentially, the theory is that once you determine which of the three types you are and eat accordingly, youll
achieve optimal health.
These two theories have played massive roles in my personal dietary development, and have thus
guided my research into various dietary regimes. Given that Ive a penchant for investigating a mas-
sive array of esoterica, Ive managed to combine those theories with a bunch of others to come
up with my own personal system. Ive found, however, that even within an individual, youll have
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of stellar bodies. As such, Ive found the need to constantly reinvent myself from a dietary per-
spective.
Earlier this year, I realized that my previous diet that consisted of naught but chicken wings was 1)
failing me in terms of fat loss and 2) boring as all hell. Having utilized beef ribs in their stead quite
a bit while dieting for my last meet, I decided to incorporate them into my newest dietary plan. In
an effort to drop weight quickly, I decided to give the original Velocity Diet (http://www.t-nation.
com/free_online_article/sports_body_training_performance/the_new_vdiet_test_drive) a shot. If
fail to take some of my unwanted adipose tissue off of my midsection in particular. What I found,
however, was that I was so hungry during my lifts that I was distracted, and literally found myself
trains between 6 and 12 times a week, rather than the 5 weak-sauce workouts recommended by the
T-Nation Staff. [Editors note: Ive since discovered that theres a VD 3.0, which is not a protein
What I came up with eventually morphed into my Apex Predator Diet:

Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday
5-6 protein shakes throughout the day (and one overnight, which Id leave on the toilet and chug while
peeing). I usually had Monster Milk in the morning, and followed that with Muscle Infusion throughout the day. If
I did a morning workout, it was a short workout (20 mins) usually consisting of one arm deadlifts, and I usually did
not have a pre-workout shake. On two of these four days I typically substitute one shake at lunch with wings or
other no-carb meat.
2-4 lbs of beef ribs with a dry rub post workout.
Wednesday
This was the day on which the epic television show Deadliest Warrior aired (and now that the show
is tragically canceled, Call of Duty night), so Id go to a buddys house, grill either bone in Ribeye or
T-bones, and eat .75 to 1 lbs of those instead of the ribs.
Friday
This was cheat meal day, so Id usually make 1 lb of 94% lean ground beef as taco meat, and eat it
on low-carb tortillas for two meals. My post-workout meal was usually some kind of sugary pro-
tein bar like a Met-Rx Big 100, and Id usually have either another protein bar or a shake as a 4th
meal. My 5th meal was my cheat meal, the constitution of which are listed in the Cheating section
of this book, and I generally avoided sugary foods.
Sunday
This would be one of my typical keto days, wherein Id have the beef ribs at night, and would usu-
ally have 10 Hooters Spicy Garlic Wings for lunch. Dinners were either ribs or more wings, and
Id make up the balance with shakes.
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been. As I progressed over the next year, I gradually began to maintain lower and lower bodyfat
with less and less effort, as my bodyfat setpoint shirted and constant tweaking kept me leaner, big-
ger, and stronger.
THE EVOLUTION OF MY DIET 2:

One of the writers currently in vogue in the popular media is Michael Pollan, author of -
, , and Food Rules
although I dont agree with all of Pollans opinions, and the last is essentially a Cliff s Notes version
concept with which I can get, but his execution and my own vary quite a bit. In stark contrast to
leftist/liberal/weaksauce point of view that humans are best served by following a near vegetari-
an diet. This is of course the opinion du jour of most of the fringe elements with whom I share
Ive posted previously, primitive humans were the ultimate predators, hunting a massive array of
pants-shittingly vicious and humongous beasts to extinction with little more than brawny physiques
and sharp sticks.
and in that very same way I think that dieting and exercise adhere to that circularity. Thus, you
need to eat to look the way you want to perform, which in turn deepens the necessity for that food
-
pearance an performance suffer.
In spite of this fact, its a colossal pain in the ass to train and eat the way I do when Im being
extra-serious about strength. Though many (generally fat and weak) people will contradict this
is perhaps a result of the fact that Im much more assiduous about my diet when training hard, and
vice-versa, but that again returns to what I consider the circular nature of everything in life. Thus,
its occurred to me that though Michael Pollan might be right about ditching the modern diet of
processed food, hes fucking up by eating like a goddamned bunny. I dont want to look and act
like a like a bunny. I want to look and act like the humans of yore- a muscle-bound predator that
strikes fear into the hearts and minds of everyone and everything around me.
As such, Ive found that I have need of a diet that will simultaneously lean me out while providing
me with the necessary energy to train extremely heavily and frequently. This is by all accounts a tall
order, and to most people is well-neigh impossible. Conventional wisdom can go fuck itself, how-
ever. Given that half of Americans thought the US goes too far in granting rights with the First
Amendment, Im inclined to do the opposite of what everyone thinks (Paulson). Thats what I
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and lose fat if theyre re willing to break their ass, do a bit of research, and diet like a crazy person.
Luckily, Im crazy as a shithouse rat and have a hell of a lot of time on my hands. The following is
the produce of my lack of a social life and insanity.
Obviously, at the very root of my diet is Paleolithic nutrition. As I mentioned before, the people
greater cranial capacities and more muscle than the modern human, and produced impressive archi-
tecture without the aid of modern machinery (Wiki, Hirst). As such, it would stand to reason that
an effort to emulate those apex predators that our forebears were would be to eat like them. There
appears to be a bit of confusion about what exactly constitutes paleo however, and varies widely
according to which author you read.
Did you Know? Cities like Gbekli Tepe and atalhyk. The latter was a 10,000 year old
city that was home to as many people as lived in London in the early middle ages, but with
what appears to be a much higher standard of living, and in which there is no evidence of
the consumption of grains until the end of its 2000 year existence. The former, along with
Nevali Cori, is over 11,000 years old and is one of the oldest man-made structures on Earth.
For those feminists out there, all of these cultures appeared to worship the Mother Goddess,
and all show signs of having been egalitarian societies without gender or class differentiation.
On the one side there are the hard-liners like Ray Audette, who advocate eating nothing but lean
meats, vegetables, northern fruits, and nuts, and eschewing all else. On the other side of the spec-
trum, youve got authors like S. Boyd Eaton, who basically advocated the Mediterranean Diet in
1988 with his Paleolithic Prescription. In the middle youd got the keto-paleo guys like Robb Wolff,
Mark Sisson, and Art DeVany, and headed in the direction of Eaton youve got probably the most
recognized paleo author, and the one with (in my opinion) the most polished academic credentials,
Loren Cordain.
Behind all of the apparent confusion behind the nature of the paleolithic diet are two major is-
sues: money and geography. Cordains academic work explains the latter fairly simply: the propor-
tions of plant and animal food in hunter gatherer diets range from a low of 26% protein and 74%
plant among the Gwi of Africa to a high of 99% animal / 1% plant with the Nunamiut of Alaska.
Eight out of the thirteen cultures he outlined ate 68% of their calories as meat, while another 3 ate
41-48% meat and 2 ate less than 41% meat (Ungar 368). Throw on top of that the fact that our
knowledge about the foods ate in the paleolithic change rather frequently, and you get a geographic
claim one universal paleo diet. Thats where the second issue comes in- money. Because one can
made concessions to what they likely considered their target audiences. As such, Wolff went with
paleo for the meatheads and Eaton went carb-crazy for the chubby housewives. For them, it was
win-win, but for anyone trying to make sense of their lunacy, its a bitch.
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As you can see throughout the book, Ive long been a fan of ketogenic diets. Though Ive credited
Bodyopus with giving me the kick in the ass I needed to start the diet, it was actually the fact that I
was sick to fucking death of dieting on chicken breasts and turkey lunchmeat and awoke craving
the fuck out of breakfast sausage one winter day around 1997- thats actually what got me to start
my experiment. Ive had generally positive but mixed success with them over the years, and found
that my previous extreme fat loss on a high calorie ketogenic diet was not easily replicated when
sitting behind a desk at work. As such, I did a bit of research. I realized that while the calorie-fes-
tival style keto approach I had taken in the past worked while I was more active (as were people in
the paleolithic era), it was not serving me well while I spent the vast majority of my waking hours
people who should already know what theyre fucking doing, since thats their industry. From this,
I discovered that impotent rage is neither anabolic nor metabolically stimulating, and came to the
conclusion that I was going to have to rethink my return to awesome.
eating protein in regularly-spaced intervals throughout the day. This brought me to the concept
of fasting, which is currently popular in LeanGains and formerly popular in the Warrior Diet. It
occurred to me that something like the Warrior Diet might be the ticket to fat loss, provided I
-
ural predisposition towards keto dieting. In the WD, one is generally suppose to eat very little or
I found that to be a fairly interesting concept, I was unprepared to go all in with that sort of cra-
ziness without a bit of trial run. My trial run, I decided, would be the Velocity Diet, one of the
major T-Nation products.
This trial lasted precisely three days, in which I came to but one conclusion:
Not eating FUCKING SUCKS.
EVOLUTION OF MY DIET 3:
In the last installment, I explained that the basis of my dietary regime is the paleolithic diet, but that
Ive added a considerable amount in the way of tweaks to it in order to optimize my performance
in the gym. By tweaks, I mean tweaks in the same way a Japanese tuner enthusiast tweaks a pick-
up truck to make it appear as though its a dragon- I took a giant, steaming shit in its mouth, threw
half of it overboard, and started wildly looking about for anything close at hand to make it appear
exactly as it shouldnt.
My problem, you see, with the paleo approach was that I was eating way too fucking much food.
Id been able to get away with this in the past, but time fucks up just about everyone, and my
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desk-jockey job and middle age conspired to fuck me in the ass. Thus, I began tinkering with my
macronutrients to see what, if any, interesting results I could derive. The only way I could do this,
however, and remain true to my Robb Wolff-esque ketoish pale diet was to either start eating a shit-
load of beef jerky, which would have been as delicious as it was economically unfeasible, or start
-
tions original Velocity Diet.
For those of you who are unaware, the Velocity Diet is a T-Nation product used to sell their Meta-
bolic Drive protein powder, a powder priced so insanely that one would think that it was created by
a team of Russian alchemists using naught but powdered diamonds and desiccated unicorn cock.
As I, unlike many T-Nation readers, was cognizant of the fact that Biotests products differ from
others on the market only in their method and ferocity of wallet-raping, I decided to go with prod-
ucts that werent priced by Bernie Madoff s evil uncle-in-law- Monster Milk and Muscle Infusion.
I chose the former for the fact that it tastes amazing, has an impressive blend of proteins that is
heavy on the slow-released ones, and because its got creatine included. The latter was chosen on a
combination of price point and protein blend, in addition to the fact that it was low carb. Essen-
tially, I wanted to maximize my protein intake while minimizing my caloric intake, in the spirit of
the Velocity Diet. For those of you who are unaware, the V-Diet 1.0 consists of 5 protein shakes
food, but non-cheat meal. Its hardly rocket science, though they would have you believe otherwise.
-
ic to support that claim) due to the fact that youd not be in ketosis (though I think this is a recent
addition, as their PWO product Surge didnt exist when I read that article years ago).
way to get Precious-type fatties back to human weight in a hurry. They were characterized by being
high in protein (at least in comparison with typical diets), and low in both carbohydrates and fats.
As such, they were intended to preserve what little muscle that land beast had while stripping away
the blubber to let their human side show. You cant make an omelet without breaking a few eggs,
however, and some of those non-humans perished in their quest to lose weight due to the fact that
the researchers conducting the studies apparently knew very little about nutrition. The doctor in
charge of the diet had his collection of farting, wheezing, pre-Klumps drinking a concoction of
his own invention called Prolinn, which was a liquid protein that provided fewer than 400 calories
a day, consisted of ground-up and crushed animal horns, hooves, hides, tendons, bones and oth-
them down.(Diets) From this, we learned that a lack of protein can cause cardiac heart loss and
a lack of minerals can cause arrhythmias, which led later experimenters to choose a more suitable
protein source and supplement with vitamins and minerals (MacDonald). Thus, diets like the Du-
of the Velocity Diet and Lyle Macdonalds Rapid Fat Loss Handbook diet.
According to Macdonald, the PSMF was the outgrowth of the use of starvation diets to aid in fat
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loss. Though they did result in considerable fat loss, starvation diets had the unhappy side effect of
rapid muscle loss, which is of course not the goal of any strength athlete. As such, its necessary to
abate that side effect with regular infusions of protein, which is what PSMF diets aim to achieve-
it spares muscular bodyweight from conversion into glucose by providing the body with a source
of protein from which it may do so, while at the same time maintaining ketosis. For this reason,
it would seem to go nicely with the diet Id already had in place, perhaps (as I envisioned it) in a
caloric cycling scheme, as I couldnt imagine training the way I do on that sort of a diet. I did, for
a period of a few days, attempt the Velocity Diet. It fucking sucked. I was so distracted during my
workouts from hunger that I cut them short. No amount of ephedrine and caffeine would push
me through a ninety minute workout of singles and doubles in behind the neck push press without
gravely endangering my life. As such, I deemed the Velocity Diet unsuitable for my goals.
But, you might be thinking, what about losing all of your fat? Its simple- I was never a giant
fatass. Although I let my body fat creep up to uncomfortable (for me levels in the 12-15% range
muscle for fat loss. Though the title of the diet is protein sparing, thats not to say that such a
diet would preserve mass on a 6-10 workout a week program, especially with the weights I han-
dle. Additionally, I saw no reason to lose the weight quickly if I could take it off over time and get
levels while accelerating my metabolism with dietary trickery. In essence, I would have to become
the Loki of diet and exercise.
How to become a mythical god of shenanigans? I explained that I found parts of the
to be intriguing, as its an intermittent fast made popular by the rather convincing Ori Hofmekler.
Hofmekler based his diet on that of the soldiers of the Roman Empire, who ate sparingly through-
out the day and feasted at night. That seemed reasonable to me, and eminently doable, though
I was concerned about catabolism during the day. This is where the Velocity Diet/PSMF came
in- provided I kept my calories low throughout the day and simply utilized shakes to offset any
catabolism I might encounter from two-a-day workouts, I might be able to combine the fat-burning
effects of the undereating phase with the anabolic effects of the overeating phase to achieve both
goals simultaneously. As such, this is similar to what Martin Berkhan espouses, however without
the actual starvation and potential catabolism. Berkhan himself admits theres no clinical evidence
to support the theory that catabolism is arrested in IF with heavy weight training, and as Ive no in-
in hedging like a motherfucker and chugging some protein shakes.
Thus, we come back to paleolithic eating and to the meal itself. It was, almost to a day, the exact
same thing- beef ribs. The reasoning behind the ribs was initially a revolt by my taste buds against
chicken wings, of which Ive grown sick after a couple of years of occasional reliance. I found that
beef ribs had a similar macronutrient ratio to the wings, tasted amazing, were high calorie, and had
one more thing in common with the meat Id cast aside- beef ribs are meat on the bone. Though
most people would posit that this is a ridiculous reason to choose a food, I have always found meat
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on a bone to be far more satisfying than other cuts. Theres something visceral and animalistic
-
son I started referring to my diet as the Apex Predator Diet, discovering later that another author
had a very similar idea himself.
MY FAVORITE FOODS AND DIETS: Only because You Goofballs Requested This
After this one, Im taking a break from these inane blogs. This question is nearly as ridiculous as
addressing why I wear Nike Frees, but Im going to blog it simply to jump on my soapbox. My
diet is not magical- it works for me because Ive determined, through a shitload of trial and error,
what works for me, and because it suits my personal taste. As such, Ill address diet foods that have
worked for me in the past, and why, and shit that I eat when Im having semi-free days with my
cheat windows. If you follow my diet, you will likely fail miserably, for a variety of reasons. This is
WHY WONT MY DIET WORK FOR YOU?

Ive been dieting, fairly strictly, for the better part of a decade. My body is trained to avoid lipo-
genesis and to remain in a state of lipolysis. This affords me the ability to tinker with my diet, and
get away with far more metabolic trickery and dietary indiscretions than most, if not all of you.
Theres a guy in particular who will remain nameless but whos been emailing me for a couple of
years whos never really changed in his appearance or strength levels, in spite of constantly mining
me for training and diet advice. He does this with at least one other prominent strength athlete of
whom I know, and likely more. Why, then, does he fail? Likely because hes not stuck to any of the
advice weve given him, and gives up long before he should on any given program or diet. As such,
his body never adjusts, he doesnt lower his body fat set point, and none of his metabolism changes
1. I know how to manipulate my body due to the fact that Ive read voraciously on the subject, and train hard
enough to overcome any dietary missteps.
2. I understand my metabolic type, and utilize it to my advantage.
3.
that bland food makes a bland person, but it also makes a fat person.
SHIT ON WHICH I DIET OR HAVE DIETED

Steamed Chicken and Broccoli
(~10oz) and broccoli (2 cups) with white rice (1.5-2 cups, cooked) bodybuilder diet. I drenched
the entire thing in shitloads of Thai Sriracha sauce, and ate it three or four times a day, along with
three or more whey protein shakes. This took me from 140 to 160-165 lbs between 1997 and 2000,
during which time I maintained a basically steady body fat set point that Id estimate to be around
10% body fat. Thats the fattest Ive been in my adult life, having gone from collegiate wrestling
right into that bodybuilding diet. If I still lived in Tucson, Id likely still be eating at Oriental Ex-
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press on University Ave., where I ate that meal thrice daily, because that place ruled and that meal
was delicious. Yeah, Im plugging that place, because the owners Thui and An are awesome, and
I ate there so often they had me over to their house a couple of times for barbecues. Eat there if
you get the chance, and tell them I said hi. The result of this diet was that I gained a shitload of
muscle over the 5 years or so when I ate there regularly, though I didnt lose much, if any, fat. Had
I not eaten the rice, I would have been gold, but that shit tastes amazing with the Sriracha on it, so
it was hard to pass up.
No, Im not oiled up- thats sweat. China was fucking hot. Me in 1998.
Chicken Soup -
ing but chicken soup and chicken kebaps. Id make 2.5 lbs of chicken breasts in broth with mixed
cayenne to this, and my roommates fucking hated me for it, because the apartment always smelled
like my soup. I didnt care, because I fucking looked amazing.
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Climbing in Vienna, 170ish and lean.
Chili- For about a year after returning from Vienna, I tried to make chili into the ultimate super-
food. I experimented with adding and subtracting everything from bean mixes to cucumber to
organ meats, and everything in between. I had fairly good results with this, but didnt get quite as
lean as Id have liked. I blame the beans, though thats probably not the real reason. As you can see
in the stew-roids series, Ive changed my tune on stews and chili considerably, and I realize now that
it was not the beans that kept me from being as lean as Id like- it was my lifting volume and inten-
sity that failed me.
Turkey Meatballs
The type I was eating is only available in the northeast at Acme, for some reason, and Ive forgot-
ten the manufacturer, but they were ultra-lean, contained a shitload of fennel, which I love, and low
carb. They were incredibly good, and Im fairly bitter I cant get them down here. Trader Joes also
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brought our veins on my abs at a bodyweight of just over 175.
At the time I was also dating one of the few girls who would cook for me, and she overawe me
with awesome by frequently baking a casserole of sorts consisting of low carb tomato sauce, piles
of turkey meatballs, scads of turkey pepperoni, a metric fuckton of crushed red pepper, and a
liberal dusting of Parmesan. She would then box up individual servings that contained roughly
60g of protein in each Tupperware and send me home with a few of those every week. As such, I
sure shed sooner burn my house down than hear my name spoken aloud in public. Thus, if you
ever happen to be in the surrounding area of West Chester University, you might want to refrain
from saying my name too loudly if you dont wish to end up with a knife in your neck.
Chicken wings- Ive already covered these in a previous blog.
93/7 Lean ground beef and low carb pizzas- These were mainstays of my diet for quite some
time before I went whole hog with the Apex Predator diet, and they kept me lean and strong with-
out starving me half to death. Though they didnt end up bringing me the results the Apex Preda-
-
er than a powerlifter.
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The pizzas. I make them using Mission Carb Balance Tortillas, a low carb pizza sauce, Kraft Fat-free
mozzarella, and Publix Hot Italian Chicken sausage, as well as a shitload of garlic powder, black pepper, red pepper,
garlic, and italian seasoning. No, I dont put veggies on my pizza, because I dont like them- and before you ask,
theres no overriding nutritional reason. On the days I ate these, I would typically eat three of them, along with two
Ultramet shakes and two whey protein shakes (one of which I drink while pissing in the middle of the night. That
The other days, I would generally eat between 2 and 4 lbs of ground beef, either in burger patties
between 72g fat and 184g protein, and 144g fat and 368g protein before any shakes. Frankly, I
drain the shit out of the fat in my beef, so I think it comes out considerably under that number, but
Ive got no hard numbers other than the ones Ive provided.
Me in 2009.
The Apex Predator Diet- This is the diet Ive followed almost without a break for the last three
or four years. Its the diet with which I set my world record in powerlifting, with which I get to my
heaviest and my biggest, and is generally what I consider to be the closest thing to dietary sorcery
ever. See the Apex Predator Diet section of the book for more details.
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The lightings shit and I still look badass, September 2013.
WHAT I EAT OFF DIET

Generally, I keep it pretty low fat and moderate carbs, eating a lot of grilled chicken sandwiches
and the like. If Im complety off my diet, my only real overaching concern is getting 50 grams of
protein every time I sit down at the dinner table for a meal,
This isnt fucking brain surgery, people- its trial and error and understanding your body, and the
cessation of any belief that following anyone elses diet exactly will give you the same results it gave
them. It wont. Frankly, I eat food so spicy it would likely kill the fucking lot of you, so Im not
posting any recipes, as I dont want your families suing me because you lack the intestinal fortitude
to emulate my diet precisely.
THE APEX PREDATOR DIET, IN FULL AND GLORIOUS DETAIL

In the event that youre not one of the readers hanging on my every word or who is new to the blog, this spinoff
originally started with the Evolution Of My Diet series, which appears earlier in this publication. In it, I outlined
the diet Im currently following, which Ive called the Apex Predator Diet due to the fact that it consists of lit-
tle more than that which an apex predator would eat, supplemented with protein shakes because Im much more
theoretically sound Intermittent Fasting approach. The following entries will expand upon what Ive previously
explained, give greater detail for why this diet kicks more ass than AIDS in Sub-Saharan Africa.
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An Overview of the Apex Predator Diet

The Apex Predator Diet is, at its core, a cyclical ketogenic diet, not unlike those Ive outlined and
discussed in the past. With this diet, youll be keto-dieting on 30 grams of carbohydrates or less
per day for 5-6 days a week (or more, depending on your body fat levels). During the non-carb
days, youll be consuming 1-2 meals of fatty, preferably bone-in meat per day, supplemented by 5-7
low carbohydrate protein shakes. The other day or two are referred to as rampage days, during
which time youll replenish your glycogen stores and satisfy your desire to wreck pizza and cookies.
-
ty Diet gave me just enough energy to put in a workout that would embarrass an undergraduate girl
trying to drop her freshman 15 before going to beach week. I was truncating my workouts horribly
and thinking about nothing more than fucking killing myself out of shame. Thus, I did some re-
search and discovered those diets are really only suited to the morbidly obese and people who suck
at lifting weights, rather than people trying to be so superhuman they make Superman seem like a
shiftless, limp-wristed, weak sauce layabout by comparison. As such, I experimented with a variety
-
ing, calorie-dense, and restorative in ways you cannot possibly imagine.
This diet, though similar to many youve likely seen, is vastly superior (if youre training hard 4+
times a week) to existing frameworks for a couple of reasons.
My macronutrient percentages are different. Conventional wisdom on CKDs is that 65-75% of your cal-
ories should come from fat. Fuck all that. According to my biggest fan on Earth, Lyle McDonald, when subjects
are told to limit carbohydrate intake but to consume unlimited quantities of protein and fat, they automatically
limit caloric intake and consume between 1400 and 2100 calories.(Ketogenic Diet 101). I dont give a fuck who
you are, that is not going to support heavy training. Not only is that a caloric intake suitable only to the Olson twins
and 19th Century hunger artists, but also at the macros suggested by the gurus, youre not getting nearly enough
protein, either.
My protein shakes have more calories in them than that, and I even mix them in water. This Apex Predator
Diet is much higher in calories (3000+), and on most days, 50-60% of your calories will come from protein and the
remainder from fat.
I cycle calories. For those of you who are not already incredibly lean, calorie cycling kicks in to keep your
metabolism humming. Ive not seen another CKD or TKD diet that tinkers with calories in this way to accelerate
fat loss.
Its easy. One of the things I see people constantly blabbering on about with the IF diet is how easy it is to
not eat for half the day. I guarantee you it takes no more time to make a shake than it does to make a cup of coffee,
and those fuckers must be chugging coffee if theyre not eating. As such, their arguments as stupid as the Predator
Diet is anabolic.
-
-
rated fat and cholesterol, both of which boost testosterone levels, which in turn increase aggression, which in turn
makes you tear shit up in the gym, making your system even more anabolic. Basically, you become a perpetual-mo-
tion machine of badassery.
Youre not insane with hunger at all times. When hungry, people tend to conserve energy rather than
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competition and/or training twice a day. I used this diet to cut for a couple of meets and ended up on the under-
side of 7% body fat, making my water cut easier, increasing my strength to weight ratio, and allowing me to look
fucking amazing while lifting big weights (and break a world record).
You have planned, insane, gluttonous cheat meals. These serve a variety of purposes, and they match the
occasional gorge of a predator nicely.
Because I realize experimentation is scary, and Ive already done plenty of experimenting, Ive got
four basic permutations of this diet- Fat Fuck; Not Too Fucking Fat, But Not Too Fucking Lean;
by body fat percentage. The last is because I get a lot of emails from people whining about pre-
and post-workout carbs. Theyre of the opinion that those carbs are indispensable, though I would
dispute that opinion. For those ladies out there who absolutely must have your carbs or you will
turn into a raging ball of hormone-fueled fury, laying waste to everything in your path as you make
for the counter at Auntie Annies in the mall, this should suit your purposes nicely as well.
Components of the Apex Predator Diet

-
ment choices. The reason why Ive christened this diet the Apex Predator Diet is due to the awe-
chicken breasts and steamed broccoli. On this diet, you wont even need utensils, most of the
time, because your food should come with a built-in handle bone. Bone is an integral part of
women appreciated real men, in addition to being tougher than most of the men you see wad-
dling their sloppy asses around the mall these days. As such, it would stand to reason that if we
want to regain that former glory, strength, and aggressive awesomeness we had in times past, we
should eat like our forbearers.
For those of you who are staring, incredulous, at that statement, consider the following:
We are all familiar with the expression, The nearer the bone the sweeter the meat, but we demand everything
precut and prepackaged, and that is, increasingly, all we can buy. Our world is full of recipes for boneless, skinless
become so obsessed with ease of preparation and speed that we have lost touch with the visceral appeal of cooking
with- and eating- bones (McLagan 20).
There is a universal understanding that bones and meat are inseparable. Yiddish: Bones without meat are pos-
sible, meat without bones is not possible. Hebrew: There is no such thing as boneless meat. Greek: Meat is sold
with bones. Norwegian: He who buys the meat has to take the bone with it. English: Bones bring meat to town.
He who eats the meat let him eat the bones. You buy the land you buy the stones: you buy the meat you buy the
bones (Bones 119).
slaughtered animal, but its stupid. Bone in meat tastes better and is healthier, as cooking it in that
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han) in addition to added nutrients. After youve cooked it that way, you eat it with your hands, as
your primal ancestors did, using the bones as the handles for bearing meat to your mouth as they
were fucking intended. Eating becomes more satisfying because youre restoring the tactile sense
in your hands to the process of eating. As such, it becomes a richer, more natural, more intimate
experience and produces greater satiety as a result. As one hippie put it, eating with your hands
gives you a deeper sense of your food, because you are bringing more sense receptors to the table.
the experience of consumption is extended even longer for a more pleasurable process (Urban).
Worried about a mess on your hands? Buy some Wet Wipes and be glad you have fewer dishes to
do.
Additionally, youre going to be consuming a shitload of low-carb, blended source protein shakes,
multivitamins, essential fatty acids, and fat burners, and will try to mix in some offal if at all pos-
sible. Ill get into all of that good shit next, however, Im no the biggest fan of offal. I generally
just take an Animal Pak.
APEX PREDATOR DIET IF YOURE LEAN AS SHIT

If youre following the Apex Predator Diet, its highly likely that you didnt start out ridiculously
but rather a way to lean out while getting bigger and stronger all at the same time. By the time you
tipped with metal rings, because its dominant as hell and has made your body fat into its sniveling
bitch. You should now be at or under 8% body fat, so your abs are standing out in stark relief, your
body looks like a Rand McNally map due to your incredible vascularity, and you should be feeling
youre not bereft of muscle mass.
Assuming you had to work to get here, youll know exactly how your body responds to both diet
and exercise, which affords you a tremendous amount of leeway with your diet. Before you head
for the all-you-can-eat buffet, however, bear this in mind- youll never be so awesome that you can
out-train a shitty diet. Ive seen people attempt to do this, and it becomes an ordeal45+ minutes
sticking to the Apex Predator Diet is a good idea, though you can have the occasional dalliance.
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As always, I encourage you to explore your inner Nikola Tesla and get as mad scientist as you can
with both diet and training, but just remember that until you stay lean for a considerable period
of time, your body is going to attempt to return to whatever your previous fat set point is. Thus,
if you spent the last 10 years eating butter sandwiches and appeared to be one box of Whoppers
away from purchasing a rascal to get you hither and thither, take the following with a grain of salt.
(Additionally, if you like Whoppers, you have no working taste buds, so dieting shouldnt be all that
Candied gastronomic atrocities aside, the Apex Predator Diet will become for most of you a deli-
cate balancing act, wherein youre going to try to maximize your caloric intake while remaining su-
youll naturally cycle your calories, as your ghrelin and leptin production will be optimized at this
point, and your body is going to loudly let you know what it needs when it needs it. Your stomach
will growl its ass off all day if you try a PSMF, and you will be miserable in the gym, so youll likely
drop those days. Theyll be replaced by the regular Apex Predator days from earlier phases of the
nothing more than Slayers War Zone in speed, ferocity and overall sentiment, its tough to live on
protein shakes and nothing more. As such, your weekly diet will start to look much more like this:
MONDAY - THURSDAY, SATURDAY AND SUNDAY

5-6 protein shakes evenly spaced throughout the day consisting of 40-60 grams of protein and less than 10
grams of carbs.
1 medium sized meal midday (I shoot for 600-800 calories in the form of wings, generally, although Ill
substitute other meats as well.
1 large evening meal of 2000-4000 calories in the form of (preferably bone-in) meat. Let your hunger lev-
els dictate the size.
FRIDAY: Rampage Day- The details are contained in the upcoming entries.
ALTERNATE SATURDAY
-
genesis. On those weeks, push hard to make it to Friday with the knowledge that youre going to
carry your carb up over into Saturday. As to when youll want to do this, it really is entirely up to
you I would use a combination of the mirror and your general level of enthusiasm for the gym
need. Make Saturday more of a medium carb, low to moderate fat, high protein day than a Ram-
page. Its important to remember that these carbohydrate refeeds are not super-compensations.
-
orsky 13) Additionally, I would not make a habit of utilizing the moderate carb Saturdays frequent-
ly, as theres only a small amount of glycogen synthesis that occurs in the second 24 hours of carb
loading, and theres the potential to regain some of the fat you lost during the week. As such, you
should keep carbohydrate levels at or below 2 grams per pound of bodyweight on Saturdays (Mc-
Donald 132-3).
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Its Time To Take A Vacation

-
etary vacations dont do much harm, and in some cases will break you out of a plateau. According
to Torbjorn Akerfeldt, our genes have not evolved much during the last 100,000 years; thus, they
are still developed for our hunter/gatherer and, more recently, pastoral ancestors, who, whenever
they succeeded in killing an animal, lived on meat for a week or two. At other times, when they had
bad luck hunting and a crop failed, they lived on a low-calorie diet. This selective pressure gave man
adipose tissue with almost unlimited storage capacity and a very adaptive metabolism to cope with
periods of different diets.(Phillips) Basically, once youre lean, if you diet hard and undereat a
bit, youll get a consistent carryover of the rebound you get from your Rampage Day into multiple
days. I will generally not take this past 5 days or so, but one study showed that a three week period
of overeating resulted in mass gain that was nearly evenly split between fat and muscle, and an in-
crease in nitrogen retention that persisted even after the diet returned to normal (Forbes, Oddoye).
Thus, protein retention after the overfeeding was increased, and the body was more anabolic.
Personally, I try not to plan these, but as of late, theyve been the week after a competition. After
dieting and training hard for a few months before, with a massive cut as a catalyst, these gorging
weeks act as a nice physical and mental break from the diet and normal life. For those who dont
compete like me, they are generally the result of a long-weekend vacation or something similar.
You could try planning them if you wanted, and if you chose to do so, I would suggest they be lim-
ited to 4 or 5 days and occur on non-consecutive months. Additionally, Id suggest you under eat a
bit in the week before this extended rampage to accelerate fat loss. Provided you jump right back
into the Apex Predator Diet, keep your training up, dont abuse the vacation and arent completely
ridiculous about it, you can get away with quite a few dietary shenanigans.
APEX PREDATOR FOR ATHLETES, ITALIANS AND GIRLS (APD & CARBS)
-
ing me about pre-, peri-, and post-workout carbohydrates. As Ive stated more than once before, I
think that the current infatuation with those three facets of ones nutrition are perhaps the most ab-
surdly overblown distraction from critical points of training and nutrition one could have. Its like
a leper colony appealing to the UN for condoms and zit cream. People obsessed with peri-workout
nutrition come in exactly one form people who have no clue what a real workout is, clad in what-
ever the trendy workout gear of the moment is, making a production of making a shake mid-work-
out and getting in my fucking way when Im trying to get water in between sets. Thats right- if
youre focused with laser-like intensity on your mid-workout nutrition, youre a bitch. When youre
lifting, you should be concerned with weights, not Biotest supplements and waxy maize. The only
people who should be concerned with peri-workout carbs are those doing extended sessionsand
were talking about hours of something intensive. Think Iron Mans or ultra marathons.
As for the pre- and post-workout nutrition guys, theyre certainly a lesser form of evil, probably
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duped into thinking that shit is of critical importance through the constant barrage of marketing
that pervades every corner of life. For every person who states that pre- and post-workout nutri-
tion is of critical importance if you want to gain mass and strength, Ive got 100 people to name
either, but rather that their combined importance is still far less than that of the workout itself.
Given the fact that youre reading this, its highly likely that you know this, so Ill be happy to impart
a bit of knowledge on the subject of pre- and post- workout carbohydrate meals and their utility in
the Apex Predator Diet.
That stated, Ill address the athletes whove expressed their concerns about consuming a ketogenic
diet while participating in a sport that involved more than simply grunting and picking up heavy
shit. I personally have followed a ketogenic diet while wrestling (in college) and found I had no
problem with energy provided that I kept my calories relatively high. At that time, I was wrestling
at 134 pounds and my diet consisted, as I recall, of pork sausage patties for breakfast and about a
dozen hamburger patties throughout the rest of the day, in addition to the very occasional protein
shake. At the time, I hadnt really jumped onto the supplementation bandwagon, so I really didnt
ever Metaform Heat and Ultimate Orange. For those of you too young to know about either of
these supplements, they had so much caffeine and ephedrine in them that meth addicts were scared
reassert my support for the consumption of stimulants, especially for those of you who need extra
energy for running around and the like. Once more, theyre not necessary, but theyre helpful, just
as the inclusion of carbohydrates might be if youre not as genetically well suited to ketogenic diet-
ing as I am (or a woman).
--As Ive said before, I dont work with special populations, like females, but Ive found that an aug-
mented Apex Predator Diet does work for some females with success. Ive had my girlfriend on a
basic ketogenic diet for almost the past year, and I can say with certainty, it does work. Heres how
she described what her diet became:
Lets just say starting with a strict ketogenic diet is kind of miserable. I can say that because I felt like I was dying
when I kept my carbs under 30 grams of carbs after eating for almost a lifetime with fairly high carbs. On day one,
I tried to do the whole strict thing that Jamie advises, but I started adding in carbs midday because I felt my energy
levels were so low (as was my desire to do just about anything, let alone go to the gym). I was also having a hard
time eating the amount of fatty meat at the end of the night (as I still do), so I decided to take APDs structure and
change the macros. Ill preface this with saying that it took a fairly long time to really lean out, but in the course of
about 10 months, I lost about 20 pounds of fat and gained a decent amount of strength. Ill start off with my stats
as of August 2012:
Back Squat: 185x1
Bench: 85x1
Deadlift: 225x1 (sumo)
at a body weight of 150LB at 52.
I was an olympic lifter for four years prior, so my raw lifts were comparatively low at that point compared to my
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trained lifts. I believe I was snatching 50kg and clean and jerking 65 kg at that point, which isnt bad but not great.
My diet consisted of crispy apple Met-RX bars, lunchmeat, beef jerky, a shit-ton of eggs, and 90% ground beef
with taco seasoning, covered with low fat cheese. That was probably 100 grams of carbs and 100 grams of protein
a lot of black coffee) and the weight started to come off.
That honestly took off about 10 pounds by December 2012, and I switched to a stricter keto diet then. I cut out
almost all of the dairy (with the exception of cream in my coffee), and ate a combination of Quest bars, buffalo
wings, and loose nuts, with protein shakes throughout the day. I trained just about 6 times a week, and my strength
levels shot up. As of February 2013:
Back Squat: 250x1
Bench: 135x1
Deadlift: 303x1 (sumo)
at a body weight of 128LB.
With this keto diet though, I did rampage every Friday and ate until I couldnt move. Those Friday nights, I typically
stomach.
But, I had additional carb days typically during the last week of the month (cough cough), and my last rampage of
the week was usually something Italian covered with cheese the day before I was to start shark week. Those carbs
days at the end of the week involved Jimmy Deans Breakfast Bowls for either lunch or dinner, and that generally
kept me from killing everyone in sight.
From this, Id say the takeaway for females is gradually working in a keto diet because jumping in
exactly what works for your body goes a long way.--
TINKERING WITH THE APEX PREDATOR DIET

Ive stated time and time again that its imperative that you experiment with anything and every-
fair amount of research, but give my penchant for research, Ive tried to do a fair amount of the
legwork for you. One concern some people have had with the Apex Predator Diet is that they ex-
perience a tremendous amount of lethargy a couple of days into the low carbohydrate phase of the
APD. Given the amazing array of biochemical makeups one could have, this should come as no
-
bolic Typing series, I outlined various metabolic typing methodologies, but the current trend is to
divide people into Protein, Carb, or Mixed types. Its possible to transition from one to the other,
according to some authors, so making that attempt might be worthwhile.
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As I mentioned in an Ask The Asshole about the diet, Lyle McDonald and Dan Duchaine both
suggested the use of an isocaloric diet if one is shifting from a traditional high carb, low fat diet
into a ketogenic diet. An interesting study by Stephen Phinney examined the initial investigations
into ketogenic diets for endurance energy, and his study uncovered exactly what Duchaine and
McDonald alluded to the body often requires at least a two week acclimation period to wean
athletes off their carbohydrate diet (Phinney). Thus, your carb crash might be mitigated by the
gradual transition. Something like the Zone Diet might help people who would be considered
Carb-Types according to a Metabolic Typing test transition to a Protein Type. A month of Zone
Dieting, however, might not be enough to complete the transition, and you might experience the
crash Phinney noted. The Inuit, according to Phinney, dealt with energy lags by greatly increasing
their consumption of fat and decreasing their protein intake accordingly, while other authors have
suggested that fat could be decreased and carbs could be increased accordingly. The key, then, is
to determine what works best for you. That is, of course, the entire purpose of the Apex Predator
Diet- to allow one to shed fat while gaining muscle and strength. Luckily for me, Im well suited to
ketogenic dieting. For those of you who arent, or feel as though you need more quick energy to
facilitate sporting competition or just to fuel your workouts, there is hope for you yet.
A Historical Aside
Before you delve into the following bits about the utilization of carbohydrates to spur greater ath-
letic performance, Ill go ahead and make a quick aside a quick study of the entirety of human
history will lead to one inevitable conclusion. Humans do not require carbohydrates to perform
at a high level. The history of agriculture is essentially the history of human collectives in areas
of high population densities carbohydrates provide a cheap, easy way to feed a large population
in a small area. Put another way, carbohydrates are the fare of plebeians and slaves, as crops were
grown to feed the menial workers cheaply and to keep them alive while they built absurd buildings
like ziggurats and pyramids. As Ive shown before, humans were larger and more muscular in the
Paleolithic era than the Neolithic, and those peoples credited with being the strongest and most
muscular in recorded history were all nearly entirely carnivorous. The peoples considered to be the
scourges of Europe were always nomads, championing animal husbandry and looking down upon
agrarian societies as prey the Huns, Goths, Mongols, Scythians and Sarmatians all ate similar
diets that consisted of little more than meat and milk. Of the Goths, Tacitus noted, Feasts and
entertainments, which, though inelegant, are plentifully furnished, are their only pay. The means
of this bounty come from war and rapine. Nor are they as easily persuaded to plough the earth
and to wait for the years produce as to challenge an enemy and earn the honor of wounds. Nay,
they actually think it tame and stupid to acquire by the sweat of toil what they might win by their
blood(Tacitus). Though the latter two tribes eventually adopted agriculture, their agricultural
products were the fare of those who remained behind with the villages, rather than those who rode
into battle. The Huns and the Mongols took this even further, eating little more than horse and
game meat, and drank mares milk and horse blood to supplement their nutrition. This diet hardly
hamstrung them it enabled them to conquer vast territories while constantly outnumbered, and
fueled legends of their incredible ferocity (Turnbull 30).
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[L]ooming on horseback 8 feet above the ground, screaming maniacally, capable of unleashing
warriors regularly beheaded their enemies and sometimes even skinned them whole. If an enemy
were known personally, his skull might receive a special treatment: sawn through below the eyes, it
would be cleaned and painstakingly fashioned into richly appointed drinking vessel. Not surprising-
ly, Scythian ceremonies especially royal funerals, were drenched in blood: sometimes these drinking
concoction was imbibed by the Scythian chieftain (Mann 4).
Contrast these diets of these lean, mean killing machines with that of the gladiators. Gladiators in
the Roman era were generally captives obtained from battles with neighboring tribes, all of whom
generally subsisted on meat. As such, they were generally described in accounts by ancient authors
as huge framed, broad shouldered, muscular, and wild eyed, (Tacitus, Jordanes, Turnbull) and were
chosen to be warriors for their stature and ferocity. Once placed into the arena, however, their diet
was changed to a nearly vegetarian diet, but not because the gladiators needed the extra energy.
The vegetarian diet had nothing to do with poverty or animal rights. Gladiators, it seems, were
fat. Consuming a lot of simple carbohydrates, such as barley, and legumes, like beans, was designed
for survival in the arena. Packing in the carbs also packed on the pounds. Gladiators needed sub-
cutaneous fat, Grossschmidt explains. A fat cushion protects you from cut wounds and shields
have made for a bad show. Surface wounds look more spectacular, says Grossschmidt. If I get
great for the spectators. (Curry)
So, high carbohydrate diets are awesome for getting fat, and but are they necessary for maintaining
cardiovascular endurance? Nope. The aforementioned study by Phinney cited two still-unrefuted
studies in which endurance athletes were switched to a ketogenic diet. In both studies, their perfor-
mance improved considerably after their acclimatization period. Neither group consumed supple-
mentary calories, but rather increased their fat intake to accommodate their increased energy needs.
prior to attempting the inclusion of carbs. Were I to do so, Id consider adding heavy cream to my
protein shakes and possibly rubbing my ribs with olive oil.
Upping Your Carbs Pre- and Post Workout

If youre not interested in increasing your fat intake or have already tried it and found it didnt do
what youd wanted, theres always upping your carbs. In the Anabolic Diet, Mauro Di Pasquale
on a ketogenic diet consisting of 30 grams of carbohydrate a day. As such, he recommends that

one complete at least the initial 10-14 day keto run and then begin experimenting with increases in
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their carbohydrate levels until an optimal balance between performance and body recomposition is
struck. Following this line of thought, he tailored a diet for Godzillas second cousin on the black
side of the family, Bob Sapp, so that it lowered the fats somewhat and increased the carbohydrates
(Di Pasquale, Bob Sapp 11). He did mention, however, in the , that
people who are excellent fat oxidizers (like myself) can easily train on 20 grams of carbohydrates a
day, so experimentation is absolutely critical dont just decide what you need at the outset (ADFP
that eating pre-workout carbohydrates will decrease IGF-1 and GH (ASBB 70). Thus, he recom-
mends eating 50-100 grams of carbohydrates post-workout, for a total carbohydrate intake of
.5-1gram of carbohydrates per pound of bodyweight a day. This, of course, would necessitate a
concordant drop in fat intake.
utilization of mostly pre-workout carbohydrates, which he feels are necessary to fuel high intensity
exercise. He recommends 25-50 grams of carbohydrate pre-workout, and claims that the type of
the use of fructose, as the goal is to replenish muscular glycogen stores rather than the glycogen
stores of the liver. According to McDonald, pre-workout carbohydrates will likely not affect either
your insulin levels nor your ketosis (though they might throw you out of ketosis for the duration of
your workout), and are thus fair game for just about everyone. Conversely, post-workout carbohy-
drates may negatively affect ketosis, so he encourages experimentation with those (Ketogenic Diet
125).
As for the type of carbohydrates, I have a suggestion from novelist and paleo internet guru J. Stan-
-
cess. If youre unfamiliar with his stuff, Stanton does a bunch of wacky shit outdoors that Im in-
clined to call cardio, but he insists its just doing epic shit outdoors, like climbing mountains while
fasted and all sorts of other shit that doesnt involve picking things up and putting them down. He
did, however, recently start lifting and noted the APD is the shit, with a couple of his own varia-
tions:
Heres an advanced-level Predator Diet variant: you may get more mileage out of your protein shake if you
eat several grams of dextrose with it. Reasoning: the protein causes some insulin release, which (if the protein is
eaten solo) requires some glucose to be released from the liver in order to maintain blood sugar levels. Then your
liver will signal NEED MORE GLUCOSE and there will be a cortisol spike, whereupon your liver will suck up
some of the protein and convert it via gluconeogenesis. Also cortisol is catabolic. So the additional dextrose ba-
sically gives the inevitable insulin something to chew on, and as a bonus, causes a bit of extra insulin release which
will help drive protein into muscles. (Note that weight gainer shakes have an assload of sugar because its cheaper
than protein. Too much, no good. Im working on about a 4:1 protein/glucose ratio, but thats a guess and open
at the brewery supply store...but the easier way is to just eat a few Bottle Caps or Sweet Tarts candies. Believe it or
not, theyre basically 100% dextrose: no sucrose or HFCS. So my routine during protein loading days is: glass of
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The Gist
As you can see, theres a bit of debate on the optimal timing of ones carbs if youre adding them
to the Apex Predator Diet, but if you feel you need them, there are methods to try. Experimenta-
tion is the name of the game, so get out your chemistry set and make something fucking awesome
happen. Just remember, however- the baddest motherfuckers ever to walk the Earth didnt need
bread to help them stomp the piss out of a bunch of bagel-chomping motherfuckers, and its likely
you dont either.
THE NOT TOO FAT, BUT NOT TOO FUCKING LEAN APPROACH.
This is what I used when I was between 12% and 8% body fat. I could see two abs clearly and two
a bit hazily at the beginning of this diet, and I followed this fairly strictly for about two months.
Once I started getting into single digits, I noticed myself getting hungrier and hungrier, and had to
start eating more to maintain my bodyweight. Additionally, once you get into the single digits (or
crushes damn near anything in its path provided you have someone competent behind the wheel.
As such, this approach is going to alter slightly as you get leaner (should you wish to alter it). I
realize that some of you react like Luddites at a robotics convention when faced with changing a
workout or diet if its still yielding results, and if you fall into that category stick with the more dra-
conian approach until you hit the next stage of the diet. For those of you who have less resolve for
sticking with something than a meth addicted four year old white trash kid in the toy department
at Wal-Mart, I recommend setting a hard start and stop point on the evolution of this phase of the
diet to ensure that you make the progress you should.
This stage is not too much different than the previous one, except that I recommend only one day
a Hustler party. After youve made it to single digits, you may choose to drop the day of protein
you continue to make forward progress with your physique. At some point, youll get lean enough
that youll notice a very pronounced loss of aggression in the gym due to those days. Additionally,
once you hit single digits, I recommend adding a smaller second food meal midday. This will help
you stabilize your weight as you bring the diet home.
The Basics of the NTFBNTS Phase

SATURDAY, MONDAY, TUESDAY, AND THURSDAY:
5-6 protein shakes throughout the day (and one overnight, which Id leave on the toilet and chug while pee-
ing) comprised of 40-60 grams of protein.
On two of these four days I typically substitute one shake at lunch with wings or other no-carb meat.
Once you hit single digit body fat, you can make this a four day affair.
until you hit single digits. I recommend placing this day on Saturday, in between your Rampage and high-calorie
1500-3000 calories of fatty meat, preferably on the bone, in the evening.

WEDNESDAY:
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5-6 protein shakes throughout the day (and one overnight).

Less calorically dense meat for dinner (t-bone, ribeye, or NY Strip steak, leaving the fattiest bits behind.
FRIDAY (RAMPAGE DAY):

Today is going to be characterized by medium- to low- (but not no-) carb meals throughout the day. Re-
strict your meals to 50 grams of carbohydrates or less per meal, and keep your fat low to ensure carbohydrate
reuptake. This is the polar opposite of your typical day, so just bear in mind that your carbohydrates and fat should
be inversely proportional at all but the Rampage meal.
Rampage! This is going to be a three hour cheat window that Ill detail in the next installment.
SUNDAY:
Higher calorie keto day. Ensure that you eat two solid food meals on this day, preferably of fattier meat on
the bone- think wings, ribs, chops, etc.
5-6 protein shakes throughout the day (and one overnight).
During this phase, you should be making progress like a fratboy with a sorostitute in his dorm
Avoid doing cardio. Though utilizing a CKD (Cyclical Ketogenic Diet) as opposed to a
TKD should forestall muscle catabolism brought on by high volumes of work in the gym, aerobic
exercise taxes your anaerobic substrates too heavily (Duchaine 132). Since this could lead to mus-
cle loss, Id avoid it. For the forty three thousand rugby athletes whove emailed me about this diet
(sweet fucking Christ a lot of you like wearing striped shirts), youll want to follow the Whiny Bitch
permutation of this diet, which is forthcoming.
Supplement with Chromium Polynicotinate or Vanadyl Sulfate. Both minerals work to
regulate your blood sugar and insulin levels, and might aid in training and recomposition as a result
(Duchaine 131).
Dont skip or skimp on your Rampage day. I cannot imagine a person actually doing so, but
based on the emails I get, a lot of you do some tremendously stupid shit. Dont be one of those
guys Rampage like your name is King Kong once a week. If youre curious as to why, theres a
carbohydrates and expect to make continued progress. You do have some glycogen synthesis that
naturally occurs as a result of weight training, though its relatively small (McDonald KD 122). As
such, you need to hit the Rampage once a week to ensure you replenish glycogen stores. Skipping
or postponing your Rampage in this stage will, at best, make you fucking miserable, and at worst,
reduce or eliminate your gains. Since this diet is all about being fucking awesome, reducing your
potential for awesome is counter-intuitive.
Consume stimulants. Theyll fuel your workouts and they help establish and deepen your
levels of ketosis (McDonald KD 116). Additionally, amphetamines have been shown in recent
studies to increase the effect of dopamine on your brain, which increases motivation for both phys-
ical and mental activities (Ito). Happily for us, ephedrine is an amphetamine, so feel free to make
use of the wonderful bounty that is ephedrine and all of its amphetamine-y goodness. Youll be
generally be more awesome. For those of you with heart problems, moral and/or religious issues,
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or simply think youre better than the rest of us, feel free to abstain. Stimulants, while not neces-
Drink if you want. Though by no means necessary, and done to excess will fuck up your gains,
drinking can actually help you deepen your levels of ketosis (McDonald 115). Alcohol itself gets
converted to ketones in the absence of dietary carbohydrates, which means that it wont fuck up
your diet beyond replacing the ketones your body would produce from the conversion of stored
body fat. Thus, it can slow fat loss if done to excess, but will not fuck up your ketogenesis. This
is, of course, assuming you stick to non-carbohydrate-laden alcohol like vodka, gin, tequila, Ever-
clear, etc. Additionally, Robb Wolff recommends you drink as early as possible to allow the alco-
hol to clear your system before bedtime to avoid completely shutting down GH release overnight.
One of the best things you can consume, alcohol wise, on this diet is the disgusting old-timey gin
and tonic, garnished with lime. The lime juice blunts insulin release while the tonic water acts as
a non-polar solvent that delivers the alcohol into your system faster.(Wolff 138) Wolff actually
wrote this that the drink of choice in the period of British Colonialism will do the job just as well,
while additionally conferring resistance to malaria. Thus, feel free to show up to your local gin bar
least, youll annoy the holy fuck out of the hipsters drinking that vile bullshit, which makes it a vic-
tory no matter what.
APEX PREDATOR DIET, PART 4: -
-
ble of doing aught but great violence to anything within his reach. As he stepped heavily into the
room, the onlookers noticed that every sinew, every muscle, and every vein stood in stark relief be-
neath his paper thin skin, which threatened to burst like the skin on a sausage left too long on the
grill. His t-shirt, loose at the waist, grew tighter as the eye moved upward until it appeared to be
strangling him, so tightly was it stretched over his bull-like neck and shoulders. Shouldering aside
ill-clad, scrawny hipsters, the brute made his way to the front of the establishment and spoke.
into a garbage bag, and a half gallon of whiskey, or I swear by all of the gods that I shall reduce
this building to rubble, lay waste to the surrounding areas, carry off your women, and drink all of
It was, clearly, Rampage Day.
Though you might be thinking that skipping your Rampage day might be a good way to accel-
erate fat loss, this is not so. In the initial phase of this diet, you might stretch your keto runs to
acclimatize yourself to the diet and undo the massive damage youve wrecked upon your internal
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system. Additionally, youre primarily concerned with being less disgusting to look at and touch,
which is understandable. As such, you might be inclined to continue to stretch the no-carb phase
of this diet to ten to fourteen days, which can have some very positive metabolic effects. Once
youve re-entered the realm of human physiques, however, you should rethink that policy, as this
diets not about not being fat its about being fucking awesome. If youre going to be awesome,
youre going to need to lift continually heavier weights and get more muscular, and the Rampage is
a critical component in that, especially given the fact that some studies have shown that long-term
ketogenic diets inhibit muscle growth when the dieter is in a hypocaloric state, which youll likely be
(McDaniel). If youre doing PSMFs and breaking your ass in the gym, its highly likely that until you
engage in a gastronomic catastrophe like the Rampage, youre going to be in a hypocaloric state
over the balance of the week. That shit simply cannot be allowed to stand, as your workouts will
suffer and you could lose some of the muscle youve broken your ass inside out to get.
Thus, you should regard a re-feed day as sacrosanct. The Rampage Day is essential for getting in-
sanely strong and lean, as a day in which you deliberately overeat carbohydrates is utterly necessary
for muscular hypertrophy, strength gains, and overall recomposition. Essentially, the Rampage Day
metabolism (Matsumoto), replenishes your glycogen stores for heavy training (Bowden), increas-
through a forced break from clean eating (Westrate), and helps normalize most, if not all, of the
hormones [involved in] metabolic slowdown: leptin, ghrelin, insulin, etc.(McDonald RFD 46).
-
ing hymens in Jannah. Unless youre where you want to be in terms of body fat, however, this isnt
going to be a free-for-all day, as youre hardly out of the water yet. Instead, the Rampage is a com-
bination of a structured refeed (like youd do for a glycogen supercompensation) and a cheat meal.
not there are at least two studies that suggest that the body continues to use body fat for fuel
on your way to getting the striated buttocks of which youve always dreamed (McDonald KD 135).
At least one study has shown that short breaks from high fat diets will not have an adverse effect
on lipolytic activity, and lipolytic activity in people who take high carb breaks from high fat diets
are actually higher than those who are on a high carbohydrate diet, meaning youll burn more fat if
you cheat a bit once a week (Saitoh). Additionally, fellow low-carbohydrate dieting advocate, Dave
Palumbo, stated that if you use a keto-diet, youll need to have a cheat meal (to spike insulin) at
least once per week to keep the thyroid functioning normally. For anyone whos ever met a gross-
ly obese person, they invariably claim that their thyroids at fault, rather than the fact that they gave
up vertical locomotion for a scooter and some Ho-Hos ten years ago, and havent even bothered
to mourn the fact that theyve not seen their genitalia in 15 years due to their obsession with televi-
sion game shows and Cheetos. Best to keep your distance from those motherfuckers and keep that
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thyroid humming.
On your Rampage Day, youre going to plan on consuming 3.5-4.5 grams of carbs per pound of
gross bodyweight. Thus, a 154 lb. person should consume 600 grams of total carbohydrates on
Rampage Day, whereas a 200 lb person would consume around 800. The timing of the carbohy-
predators in the wild invariably have a marked circadian rhythm and their hunting motivation is
of the application of this fact to you, humans are universally considered to be apex predators, so
evening, which leads me to believe that youll utilize the majority of the calories you ingest if your
Rampage is synchronous with your largest meal during the week. Is there science to support that?
Fuck no, but it makes sense, so Im sticking with it.
You dont need to walk around with a notepad and calculator all fucking day long, either the key
to the refeed is how many carbs and which kinds, rather than the pace at which you eat them. For
your intake as you go. Others of you might want to go my route and keep your carbs under 200
grams for the duration of the day, so that no matter how fucking nuts you go come cheat time you
cannot overshoot your mark. I found this particularly helpful in the early stages, but as I got leaner
it went from unnecessary to possibly counterproductive.
Multiple sources Ive read virtually scream that you should avoid fructose during glycogen recom-
position, as it simply replenishes liver stores and can actually be stored as body fat. Thought veg-
ans will scream bloody murder this isnt true, science does not appear to have their back. Instead,
science appears to have gained full mount and is currently beating vegans like theyre talking shit on
a California playground. Fructose is more lipogenic than glucose or starches, and usually causes
greater elevations in triglycerides and sometimes in cholesterol than other carbohydrates. Dietary
fructose has resulted in increases in blood pressure, uric acid, and lactic acid. To add insult to in-
jury, added fructose seems to provide little advantage over other caloric sweeteners and compares
unfavorably to complex carbohydrates in susceptible segments of the population(Hallfrisch).
Thus, Id avoid fruit for the most part. Additionally, overdoing the sucrose can lead to some being
stored as body fat. If youre eating either, try to restrict them to 50 grams and 100 grams, respec-
you should underdo it, however. The Minnesota Experiment showed that the utilization of the
minimum necessary calories in a refeed will lead to decreased enthusiasm for the diet and training,
no matter the macronutrient composition (Russell 129). Thus, youll Rampage as intelligently and
aggressively as you should do everything, like youre a modern day Neanderthal with an 8-inch bon-
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er facing down a wooly mammoth thats trying to rape your girlfriend.
The Rampage Itself

In the past, I covered cheat windows fairly in-depth and mentioned that there are a couple of ways
to skin this proverbial cat. The Rampage will utilize none of those, and will instead rely on a single
3-hour cheat window on the heels of the aforementioned carbohydrate refeed. During the cheat
window, I encourage you to eat like youre a Southern housewife at an all-you-can-eat buffet and
gorge yourself. I usually pick foods on which I can graze, as Ive shrunken my stomach and havent
got any interest in putting myself in physical pain during my weekly three hour holiday. Theres no
metabolic reasoning for grazing, however its just what I like to do. For those of you who are
about to throw Lyle McDonald in my face, relax, Ive read the same shit. His contention is that
-
self sick or eat three times what youd normally eat (McDonald 34). Ill tell you this from experi-
ence the farther you get in a given diet, the less you can consume in three hours its a matter
of pure biology. Thus, at the beginning of your diet, youll be able to eat more during your cheats,
which will likely slow your progress. Should you notice this, you can moderate future Rampages to
forestall that slowdown, though as you get leaner, youll notice you can get away with a lot more in
or veins you never thought youd ever see, youre going to naturally restrict yourself on your cheats
to prevent any backsliding, at least until youve stayed lean for a considerable period of time and
Timing:
I usually choose to Rampage at night. From an insulin standpoint this is probably not ideal, but
from a lifestyle standpoint, I dont care. Theres not enough of a difference in hormone levels
to go to bed anywhere from full to bursting and have the night to digest and bomb out my place in
peace, rather than force myself to eat a meal when it is inconvenient.
Some nutritionists believe that pre-workout is the best time for a scheduled cheat window. Anytime
-
-
thing wants out all at once. I chose wrong once when I was a kid, and my mom had to clean the
bathroom after, as I passed out with my head hanging over the toilet, pants around my ankles, shit
covering every square inch of the bathroom. This has made Mothers Day expensive since I was 6.
I dont wish to repeat that event, so I dont cheat pre-workout.
Two supplements that will increase the effectiveness of your cheat meal are:
ECA stack- it increases your thermogenesis anyway, but ephedrine alone can increase the thermic
effect of a meal by 30%(Berardi). As such, make sure you whack that back prior to the initiation
of your feeding frenzy to ensure that youre getting the optimal metabolic response to your over-
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feeding.
Digestive enzymes- before, during, and after. Trust me, theyll help. If youve been eating clean,
your bodys going to have something to say about what youre eating, and its going to let everyone
in the room know what it thinks about it. This should prevent any non-alcohol-related pants-shit-
ting, and keep you from smelling like youve shit them. Lastly, itll increase the absorption of the
nutrients youd so rudely and crudely stuffed down your ravenous gullet, increasing the positive
effects of that meal and hopefully negating any of the negative ones.
One last word on this, for you fatties dont include these feeding frenzies if youre not already
lean. If youre a fat ass, you dont deserve them from a mental standpoint and cannot really utilize
them from a metabolic one. As such, youd be wise to steer clear until you can see some abs. For
guys, this means under 15%, tops. For girls, that means... whatever the female equivalent of 15% is.
Well call it 25-27%. If you can see abs, have at it otherwise, wait until you can. Additionally, if
category, limit yourself a bit in your Rampage youve been on a years-long Rampage and its high
time you exercised some self control. Make sure you get your carbs, but keep the fats below 25%
of your total calories while doing so. Kill a couple of bags of Baked Lays and hit up Fuddruckers
for a couple of Buffalo Burgers, maybe. Remember eye on the fucking prize.
The rest of you... get ready. Tomorrow, we Rampage.
YOURE FOCUSED ON ALL THE WRONG SORT OF DETAILS:
With the release of the DSM-5, which pretty much states that everyone on Earth is highly dysfunc-
tional and in dire need of a variety of pharmaceutical aids to be normal, its hardly surprising that
everyone who ever enters a gym expects there to be some sort of panacea to aid their training. As
such, the fact that Ill see 135 lb weaklings dicking around on machines for an hour a day and then
retarded concoction shouldnt really come as a surprise. Unfortunately for me, however, it does, as
I appear to have some hidden reservoir of faith in my fellow man backed by nothing but hate for
idiocy and baseless hope.
Digging a bit deeper, though, marketing plays a large part in the issue, as does the fact that taking
supplements is a time-honored American tradition. Especially in the information age, marketing is
pretty much ubiquitous, and chases people from hill to dale on the TV, internet, radio, phones, snail
mail, and random advertisements plastered like billboards on peoples t-shirts. Its unsurprising
ridiculous of ad pitches. That, combined with what appears to be a uniquely American reliance on
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self-treatment, makes for a dangerous environment when one embarks on a workout routine, espe-
cially when everyone around us is fat, lazy, and mentally defective.
In the past, Ive blogged about what I consider to be useful supplements, although a lot of you
seem to have missed those blogs and emailed me questions about the same 5 supplements. If
youre interested, its scattered throughout the blog, but the main treatments are here, here, and
here. As it stands, the only supplements I consider essential are a low carb protein powder and a
multivitamin. Just below that are test boosters/estrogen blockers (like tribulus), omega 3s, and
money. That doesnt stop the average assbag you see in any gym, though.
As I mentioned, its not entirely their fault. Americans in particular have been obsessed with vita-
blame for this interest, but Americans have been concerned with what they perceived as a steady
decline in the quality of their food since the early 1930s, and have sought ways to mitigate that de-
cline as a result (Vitamania 7). Concurrent with that phenomenon has been the marked decline in
faith in the medical profession, which is only exacerbated by the fact that doctors dont know their
asses from a hole in the wall when it comes to training and nutrition. Doctors will invariably spout
archaic sound bites about the dangers of excessive protein consumption and the evils of heavy
weightlifting, in spite of reams of studies contradicting their decades-old common knowledge.
Their ignorance of these subjects parallels the governments famous ignorance of the same, which
has manifested itself in the progressively more idiotic and hilarious dietary recommendations and
the its periodic crackdowns on dietary supplement sales. Think the latest round of prohormone
seizures was a new thing? Hardly- the governments been in the pockets of the pharmaceutical
industry and pharmacy lobbyists for over a century, and have tried multiple times to ban the sale
of non-prescription dietary supplements (Vitamania 55, 131). Throw on top of that nonsense the
post-modernist hatred and distrust of the establishment and youve got a recipe for self-medica-
tion the likes of which the world hasnt seen since illiterate savages roamed the prairie in search of
megafauna to stab to death.
Did You Know? Self-medication and lay surgery was apparently prevalent in the Ice Age.
There is evidence that Neanderthals utilized ephedra for energy (Rudgely 194), Otzi the
Icemans body showed evidence of acupuncture, and trepanning (brain surgery performed
to relieve swelling of the brain) was bizarrely common in the Ice Age (Acupuncture Today,
Restak 165).
In our haste to throw a hearty fuck you at the medical establishment and the government, how-
altogether. As soon as a study shows a correlation between a substance and a net positive gain for
have been the result of a study on cod liver oil in the 1930s, wherein it was shown that there was a
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-
mented with cod liver oil and those who didnt. Subsequent studies on the substance showed that
it had a positive effect on a variety of other systems, and supplement companies were off to the
races. Soon, print ads were run stating that No mother would willingly deny her baby the chance
knowing it, insinuating that mothers who failed to feed their children that noxious substance were
-
perors court.
The same shit goes on today on a wide variety of websites, wherein they insinuate that a workout
is wasted if its not followed by the proper post workout nutrition within 45 minutes. This is
of course patently untrue, but arises out of old studies that show that post workout nutrition aids
muscular growth and recovery. Luckily for us, newer studies show that the window is actually 24
hours, which seems to fall in line with the evidence presented by pictures of old-time strongmen,
stone masons, iron workers, and virtually every muscular person on Earth whos not wandering
around Golds Gym with a fucking shaker bottle in hand (Tipton).
The same goes for peri-workout nutrition. Do studies show its helpful? Yup. Do they show that
its absofuckinglutely necessary, as T-Muscle would have you believe with their ridiculous Anaconda
protocol? Fuck no. If it were, anyone whod lifted in an era prior to their invention of a need for a
protein shake mid-workout would suck, and people with $400 a month to blow on bullshit supple-
ments would lead the world in strength sports. In case you hadnt noticed... they dont.
In short, dont let yourself get focused on the wrong shit- theres no panacea for getting fucking
strong, ripped, or jacked. What there is is breaking your ass in the gym lifting heavy weights, eat-
ing as much protein as you possibly can, as often as you can, and getting a shitload of sleep. It
worked for Hackenshmidt, Goerner, Saxon, and a shitload of other guys before Wieder convinced
everyone that they had to take three days off a week and before the government ordained that you
should eat as much bread as humanly possible. Weve only sucked since we stopped paying atten-
tion to whats in front of us and started listing to a variety of bullshit sitting atop a mound of shaky
Do your research, question EVERYTHING, eat some meat, and lift.
IF YOU ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MUST EAT DOGSHIT, EAT THIS

Frankly, I think this topic has been done to fucking death (queue the assholes with the hackneyed
button fetish), a couple of you have asked me a question along the lines of if you have to eat like
constantly evolving process, rather than a static macronutritent ratio. So many factors go into food
youre stuck and you have limited options. Thus, Ill give you a couple of ideas.
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If youre WAY the fuck away from any kind of food that might be construed as useful, eat some
kind of meat. Thats the key to the whole deal. For instance:
If youre at a gas station, skip the Balance bars. Heres why- a Balance bar consists of a bit soy protein, a
shitload of sugar, and a bunch of fat. Its a fucking shit Zone macro thing, only done in the most half-assed way
humanly possible. Instead, go for the beef jerky with the least sugar. That way, youll get a massive dose of protein
with only a bit of carbs and fat. Its the original protein bar-esque snack. Failing that, you can go with a protein bar
they have there, but before you buy a balance bar, check to see what the nutrition on their microwavable burgers are.
Ill bet that the burger will be better for you, most times.
At a fast food place, youre generally best off with a couple of grilled chicken sandwiches or one and some
chili. Youll keep your carbs moderate, your protein high, and your fat low, which is essentially the easiest healthy
way to eat when your food isnt pre-prepared.
Hoagies will get it done, as well, provided you pass on the mayo, stupid non-meats like pepperoni/salami,
and the dressing. I generally get roast beef, turkey, or a club with roast beef, turkey, and ham, and then double the
meat on that bitch. Additionally, Quiznos Sammies with grilled chicken are pretty badass, but youve got to eat at
least three of them to get a useful amount of protein.
Nuts are a good compliment to the jerky if youre keeping the carbs low. If you want to up the carbs, eat a
bag of Baked Lays.
Basically, just dont be fucking retarded. I get a shitload of questions about diet, and the shit is not
brain surgery. If your carbs are high, your fat is low. If your fat is high, carbs are low.
PROTEIN IS ALWAYS HIGH BECAUSE THERES NO SUCH THING AS TOO
MUCH PROTEIN. You could be eating unnecessary amounts, but no ones ever fucking gotten
fat from protein, because the thermic effect of protein is too high, and no one has ever died from
Shit you shouldnt eat?

Mayo. If you eat mayo, youre a fat fuck, you hate your arteries, youre generally disgusting, and your friends
probably hate you. Its vile, useless shit, and you should avoid it. While were at it, Blue cheese dressing is fucking
disgusting, and if you eat it, you are too. Moldy cheese blended with mayonnaise sounds like something invented by
-
walk than eat anything made with mayonnaise, and I would rather stuff my hand up an unsuspecting cows ass than
have that shit touch my skin. To recap, mayo is disgusting, moldy cheese is disgusting, and the people who eat that
shit should be sent to reeducation camps.
with nitrates, and its the random organic detritus of the butchering process. Its like processed chum, with bugs
mixed in for good measure.
Any packaged baked good containing sugar. You want diabetes? Fine. Stop reading my fucking blog. Youre
because its shit.

Fish Filets. If you dont know why, youre a dick.
Fried chicken sandwiches. If theres nothing else with protein in it to eat, have one. Otherwise, go grilled-
theres no reason to fry a chicken breast and wedge it into a sandwich bun.
THE GOVERNMENT DOESNT LIKE YOU: In All Probability, It Hates You.

The populist bullshit about the government being for us and by us is nothing but leftist claptrap. In
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truth, the government is nothing but a conglomeration of rich people who refuse to work for a liv-
ing and who get rich off kickbacks and graft. As such, their recommendations, like the USRDA, are
about as valid as a Star Wars nerds claim that Jar Jar Binks added levity to the prequels. Carbs are
skimp every fucking time on services and goods for the people, but line their fucking pockets while
they do it. Meanwhile, protein makes you mentally and physically strong, and strong people are
hard to control. Plebes raised on gruel, however, are easy to control- theyre weak and softheaded.
This is why, in spite of the fact that Americans suffer from more chronic illnesses than any other
people in the history of our species, people still respect the recommendations of the government
when considering what to eat, what drugs to take, and what is safe.
Im here to tell you that if youre one of those people, you should jump back and punch yourself
right in the fucking face. The government NEVER has your best interests at heart. they have only
the special interests in mind, because theyre heartless, soulless, greedy motherfuckers who would
love to see you dead, except that dead people dont pay taxes.
To wit:
Modern man suffers an unprecedented amount of degenerative disease. Two of the biggest lob-
byist groups are healthcare and agribusiness. Between the two of them, they have a vested interest
in you accumulating massive amounts of degenerative diseases, which the healthcare industry can
like school lunches are based (and which many Americans blindly follow as nutritional lemmings),
were in any way healthy, our kids wouldnt be fat pieces of lazy shit, and our fucking teeth wouldnt
part to blame for the massive number of cavities and other assorted dental problems from which
modern Americans suffer. He provided ample evidence his book to support his supposition, and
as a dentist, he likely knew what he was fucking talking about. It was his seminal work that gave
rise, in large part, to the paleo dieting movement. Does the government support his recommen-
dations? Hell no. In spite of the fact that hes the only person whos made a compelling argument
for the dramatic increase in dental caries over the last 200 years, in spite of the American obsession
with dental health that borders on psychosis. The government, in collusion with the ADA, blames
the government. Heavens, no! It couldnt be that! The teeth of paleolithic people stay in their
fucking heads, and are strong enough to chew through plate steel. Likewise, neither the govern-
ment nor their lackeys can account for the exponential rise in degenerative diseases over the past
100 years, and tend to blame the problem on increased longevity, in spite of the fact that paleolithic
cultures with similar life expectations dont suffer from cancer, bone degeneration, or any of the
their feebleness, as pharmaceutical and insurance companies do in our own. Instead, their society
-
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dence of elderly people who are hard as the nails through which they can bite, like the 73-year-old
Kenyan man who used his bare hands to tear out the tongue of a leopard that attacked him.
Same goes for obesity. The government blames Big Macs and trans fats. Are they contributors?
Sure, but not on the scale that healthy foods like spaghetti are. And why? Because the govern-
ment subsidizes the living shit out of agribusiness to provide cheap, inferior calories for the proles
to consume before they can trudge to their miserable jobs, soft-headed, and accept whatever fate is
and Scientologists, use a diet high in carbohydrates and low in protein in conjunction with sleep
deprivation to aid in brainwashing their members. An interesting parallel can be drawn between
that and the US work ethic and diet, it seems.
Look at this wacky pile of nutritional horseshit, for instance:
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GO LEAN WITH PROTEIN? How can you BE lean without it? Want a catchy rhyme with which to
replace that? How about Eat like motherfucking Hannibal- Out of meat? Become a cannibal.
This bullshit is easily 60-70% carbs.
They fail to acknowledge that corn and potatoes are starches, rather than vegetables, for one. The glycemic
load for Corn Flakes is higher than it is for fucking CocoPops, for fucks sake, and corn on the cob has a higher load
than Wonder bread.
They pair beans with meats, which is fucking absurd. Beans dont provide a protein about as complete
as the combined personalities of those whores from the Hills, and shouldnt ever be directly compared with meat.
And dont even get me fucking started on soy. Ah, well, fuck it- it ruins your metabolism, raises estrogen, lowers
testosterone, and might just be generally toxic. (PUBMED) Ive posted about it ad naseum, but it still has me shot
right out of a fucking cannon. Guess what Scientologists make new recruits eat? Beans and rice.
5 oz of 95% lean beef yields 39g protein. Thats it. Thats all the government recommends.
Frankly, if youre not compelled to hate every politician on Earth at this point, you have all of the
rationality and critical analysis skills of Nick Nolte. Nevertheless, heres a couple of other things
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the government does for you on a daily basis to make you more docile, weaker, and generally more
pathetic every day:
you drink 8 glasses a day. A 2008 study found Antibiotics, anti-depressants, and estrogen in our drinking water.
Additionally, British research suggests that estrogen, the female sex hormone, is primarily responsible for deform-
has occurred downstream from treatment plants in Las Vegas and Minneapolis. Carp in these areas show the same
they openly poisoned alcohol during the prohibition, and killed 10,000+ people doing so.
pesticides are carcinogenic, yet the government promotes their use wholeheartedly. The book Silent Spring
by Rachel Carson details this thoroughly, giving most of her attention to insecticides, herbicides and fungicides,
since these are the most dangerous poisons. She shows the futility of relying on them or any new substitutes offered
to counteract the swift evolution of immunity to chemical control shown by more and more insects and fungus
diseases. She quotes an authority on cancer, Dr. W. C. Hueper of the National Cancer Institute, who has given
body] begins with the smallest conceivable intake of the chemical (which is present as residues on most foodstuffs)
intake of as little as one-tenth of 1 part per million in the diet results in storage of about 10 to 15 parts per million,
an increase of one hundredfold or more. * * *In animal experiments, 3 parts per million has been found to inhibit
an essential enzyme in heart muscle; only 5 parts per million has brought about necrosis or disintegration of liver
cells; only 2.5 parts per million of the closely related chemicals dieldrin and chlordane did the same. Other modern
insecticides are still more deadly. Nor did the discovery of their poisonous character come by chance: insects were
widely used [during World War II] to test chemicals as agents of death for man (Milne).
Throw all of this in a blender, and what do you get? Yeah, I know, Ive already picked out my cabin
in the woods, and am thinking of changing my name to Ted Kaczynsky Lewis, but the shit is justi-
and does so by keeping you drugged, half-starved, and confused. Thus, the next time you hear or
read a recommendation by the government on the consumption of controlled substances, vita-
mins, supplements, or food, take a long look at what theyve suggested and the reasons why. Nine
times out of ten, their recommendations will be outright lies, and their reasoning will be predicated
entirely upon their ability to control the populace and line their pockets through kickbacks or taxa-
tion. They can do this because the American people have no redress- the government is complete-
ly insulated from civil suits by the doctrine of sovereign immunity, and electing another politician
simply puts the money in another professional liars hands. Two of the only respectable members
of the government weve ever had didnt trust the government- Teddy Roosevelt and Jesse Ventura.
Jesses moved to fucking Mexico because of the bullshit constantly coming out of Washington, and
Teddy devoted his entire life to working against the establishment, when he wasnt busy boxing pro
-
be you shouldnt either.
never wanted you, and in all probability, it HATES you. Its not the worst thing that can
happen.
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THERES A BUNCH OF FUCKING HORSESHIT FLOATING AROUND...
Food.
Its a pretty fucking important factor in training. Just how important is it? Thats a matter for
some debate. A quick Google search yielded this nugget, which seems to echo the Weider crowds
opinion on the matter - According to International Federation of Bodybuilders (IFBB) Profes-
sional Figure athlete Rachel Cammon, as much as 80 percent of extreme hypertrophy, as seen in
bodybuilding competitions, can be attributed to the athletes diet. Interesting. So, this genius, and
many others in the physical culture community, believe that nutrition is 75-80% (depending on the
source) of what will ultimately lead to speed, strength, and good body composition. Thats fuck-
ing absurd. You can have the most impeccable diet in history, but if youre sitting on the fucking
couch all day long, youre still going to be weak and look like shit. Its idiots like this fucking retard
that get people quibbling over dietary intake and failing to apply the same assiduous attention to the
gym, and they end up sucking at the end of the day. This just in- the guys who sat for the sculp-
tures in ancient Greece and Rome didnt have access to protein powders, NO Explode, or any of
the other happy horseshit with which you see everyone hideously preoccupied these days. Instead,
they had heavy shit to pick up repeatedly, which they did. Same goes for the Eastern European lift-
and eating a traditional diet thats 2x less than that of other EU members, which is still far less than
us. Now, does that mean you should eat whatever the fuck you want and try to out-train your diet?
Unless you can devote 8 hours a day to training, I wouldnt recommend it. It does mean, however,
that no matter what some douche tells you in an article on T-Nation or Bodybuilding.com, diet is
not the most important factor in building muscle, gaining strength, and getting lean. You want to
and eat as cleanly as you can, when you can.
Remember that just because some marketing asshole says its good for you, doesnt mean it is.
Thus, skip the Balance Bar and eat just about anything else. Id generally recommend beef jerky
and some nuts, if youre in a pinch, but if the choice is a hamburger or not eating for 6 hours,
EAT THE FUCKING HAMBURGER. Its far easier to burn off a couple of calories than it is to
Youre not the fucking Buddha, and this isnt a fucking sit-in, so cast aside any notions you might
have about asceticism in the face of shitty food and make sure you get 40-70g of protein every
couple of hours.
Chicken is not the only fucking protein source out there. Pavel and I dont agree on much, but we
agree on this. I read a hilarious anecdote about him eating with a guy a few years ago, and the guy
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ordered chicken tacos, and Pavel got pissed. He glared at the guy and said Eating chicken makes
you weak. Then he went on to tell the guy that whole eggs are good for two reasons- theyre ex-
cellent for helping you build muscle and strength and they keep chickens from being born. Try
eating beef- its more nutrient dense, it tastes better, and its what Milo of Croton would have rec-
ommended.
Whey is a waste product of the dairy industry, and theyve marketed the fuck out of it. Its not
magical, and its not the best protein source on Earth. Its not even fucking close. From every bit
-
rior choice on paper. The problem arises, however, that many protein manufacturers fail to meet
their label claims, and it seems blended proteins are worse than others in this regard. As such, use
proteins that meet your macros (at least insofar as you can tell) and avoid anything thats overhyped.
Fuck the USDA- Introducing the Chaos and Pain Nutritional Pyramid- Part 1
I realize that Ive addressed this issue before, but given the absolute spate of questions regarding
my supplementation and diet (and concurrent dearth of training methodology questions), I shall
address this issue once more. Furthermore, Ill cover a few popular supplements and my opinion
thereof.
The Base
Meat. Meat is good. Vegetarians might disagree, but this is because theyre scared, weak people
you people arent actually retarded, and that you realize that meat is highly anabolic. Im not just
talking about chicken, either, since chicken breast contains very little fat, is bland, dry, and generally
boring. But, fat is bad, right? Wrong, fuckface. Dietary fat in the form of saturated or monounsat-
urated fat positively correlates with high testosterone levels, because cholesterol is the precursor to
testosterone.
Nearly every different kind of meat on the planet is useful, in some form. The only type of meat
Id recommend you to avoid is bear meat, which is renowned for containing trichinellosis. Unless
you like your meat VERY well done, which is how you apparently need to cook that shit to avoid
dropping dead of a parasite infestation, avoid bear meat. Im personally not a fan of sea food, but
and its a nice change of pace from wings and ground beef, if you can stomach it. Ray Audette rec-
ommends eating game meat like buffalo, longhorn (where the fuck would you get longhorn outside
of Texas?), and emu as alternatives to traditional beef due to its high Omega 3 content, if youre
The meat section in the CnP food pyramid also is the repository for nuts and seeds, since those
are also chock full of protein and healthy fats, and are fucking manly to eat. The paleo guy in me
says to avoid cashews, as theyre a member of the poison ivy family and are thus highly allergenic if
eaten raw, and may cause an allergic reaction even if cooked. Plus, theyre cheap bullshit that gets in
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the way of good nuts like almonds and walnuts, which are two of the healthiest nuts. Seeds are also
-
trogen is the root of all evil (Phytoestrogens). I dont include beans in this section because theyre
doesnt love peanuts?), but Id avoid lima beans (they contain cyanide) and soy beans (they contain
soy).
Protein Supplements. Though meat should be the base of your pyramid, Im sure few of us have
the time to prepare pounds and pounds of meat every day (though I intend to one day be wealthy
enough to have a Korean man follow me around with a hibachi all day cooking bulgogi). As such,
protein supplements are immensely important in the pursuit of athletic excellence, and I suggest
you use a blended protein to make up the difference between your meat intake and your daily goal.
Blended proteins are nice because they come from a wide variety of sources, so theyre a more
complete source of aminos, and they give you a steady release of protein over time, reducing the
chance that youll become catabolic, and ensuring that youll be more satiated for a longer period of
time.
protein, in addition to the fact that its high in L-Glutathione, which plays an important role in neu-
-
immediately after I drink it. For this reason, Im not a huge fan.
As for whey as a totally necessary component of post workout nutrition, I believe the strength
training community has been snowed by the supplement industry. Whey is a waste product of the
dairy industry- its thrown away as a byproduct of the cheese production process if its not pur-
chased by the supplement industry. Theyve found a way to make money off something the dairy
industry is really only too happy to give away, and theyre making a mint. Whey concentrate and
whey isolate have equal absorption rates- the only difference between the two is that concentrate
has a lower total amount of protein per serving, because its not as pure as isolate. thus, unless
youre lactose intolerant, concentrate is a far better value because its much cheaper per serving, by
and large. In terms of PWO, WHEN you take protein after a workout is far more important than
WHAT you consume. In the 45 minutes after a workout, muscle is tremendously sensitive to insu-
lin, which drives the rebuilding of muscle due to low insulin resistance. Thus, its better to have an
inferior protein within 45 minutes of your workout than to wait 2 hours to have whey isolate when
the time immediately after your lift and the time when you chug a shake after hollering at the slut
on the treadmill in the short shorts and driving home (Ivy 10).
AVOID SOY PROTEIN

effect on the body (they mimic the actions of estrogen, which means they could potentially inhibit
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is always recommended to menopausal women to alleviate the effects of menopause. This would
tend to indicate, anecdotally, that soy is highly estrogenic, as its recommended to women as an
alternative to estrogen supplementation (Ivy 128).
So, how much protein should you be eating?

I shoot for a bare minimum of 2g per lb of bodyweight. That sounds excessive? Well, nothing
exceeds like excess, and Im not in the business of coming up short on anything (other than my
height, haha. Fuck you, I like being a midget). Frankly, Id much rather err on the side of too much
protein than too little, for a variety of reasons.
First, there might be a correlation between high protein consumption and high testosterone, as low protein
diets show increased levels of sex-hormone-binding-globulin, a chemical that attaches to testosterone and keeps it
from becoming bioavailable (Schuler 70-71). This idea is not a new one, either- early vegetarian diet advocates like
Sylvester Graham and John Kellogg advocated their diets as a way to suppress sexual urges and masturbation.
Next, lean protein has twice the thermic effect of fats or carbs. Thus, the more you consume, the faster
your metabolism, because youre burning twice the amount of calories you would with other foods simply digesting
the protein (Cordain 17).
-
-
protein (Cordain 18, Eades 138).
I dont mince words... I just mince people. I like my women like I like my coffee- ground
up and in the freezer.
FUCK THE USDA, PART ZWEI

In our last installment of this exciting feature, I covered the foundation of the C&P diet, meat, fol-
lowed by the venerable and ubiquitous, irreplaceable protein supplements that are meats constant
companion. I will now attempt to knock out the rest of the pyramid, time permitting.
Vegetables:
Eat them. I dont fucking care if you dont like them- thats completely immaterial. The Brassica
veggies, due to the fact that theyre anti-estrogenic (the chemicals produced when indole-3-carbinol
protein-rich badasses of the veggie family. If theres such a thing as a manly vegetable goup, thats
-
food in the eyes of Henry Bieler M.D., author of Food is Your Best Medicine. Other than that, you
really cant go wrong with vegetables, but the Brassica family, in all of its estrogen-battling glory,
-
ly makes great strides in closing that gap, since half of the carbs in most of the members of that
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Youll note a corresponding lack of fruit in my diet. Im not really anti-fruit. I love blueberries in
particular, but I dont eat much in the way of them. Nutritionally, berries are the best of the bunch,
but theyre still high in sugar. Ive recently been questioned about my hatred for fruit, and my in-
sistence that fruit could potentially derail fat loss efforts have been met with incredulity, but theres
science backing this contention.
Research from the National Institute on Aging (NIA) in Baltimore, Maryland, shows fruc-
tose is more lipogenic (fat forming) than any other sugar or starch. It also causes greater ele-
vations in blood fats (triglycerides and cholesterol) than other carbohydrates. Excess fructose
consumption has resulted in increases in blood pressure, uric acid, and lactic acid. Research
shows that those suffering from high blood pressure, high insulin, high triglycerides, non
insulin-dependent diabetes, and postmenopausal women are more susceptible to the negative
affects of fructose than other individuals.
See, fuckers? In addition to berries, if you absolutely must eat fruit, make it non-tropical fruit like
apples, unless its enzymatically rich fruit that accompanies a heavy protein meal, like papaya or
pineapple.
Stimulants and Testosterone Boosters:

-
mance, mental focus, and energy levels. Additionally, they cause your body to release noradrenaline,
which stimulates the receptors in your fat cells to metabolize all of that nasty fat thats the result of
late night beer and pizza smorgasbords(three hour cheat windows notwithstanding).
The use of caffeine to improve sports performance may date as far back as the initial consumption
of berries containing methylxanthines. Many studies have been conducted supporting caffeines use
in sport, and bodybuilding.com offered this little nugget, as I am nowhere near my notecards con-
taining my research and want to knock this article the fuck out today:
A recent review published by the International Coffee Organization states that caffeine at
levels found in one cup of coffee which is usually around 150 grams of caffeine may be able
to both reduce the sensation of fatigue as well as enhance exercise performance.
The most recent review (Doherty and Smith 2004) looked at 39 published studies. Of these,
involved endurance exercise, some used short duration and high-intensity exercise and the
other remaining used a graded exercise test.
Including all the data, caffeine improved performance by 12.4%, relative to the placebo trials. This
was shown to greatest effect in those who undertook exercise for a longer duration at any one time.
Caffeine and other stimulants have also been used for centuries to improve mental acuity. Though
new phenomenon, it is in fact as old as the hills. In fact, caffeines been used since the Stone Age,
and a 1916 lawsuit, The United States v. Forty Barrels and Twenty Kegs of Coca-Cola claimed that
the excessive caffeine in Coke at a college for chicks turned them into wild nocturnal freaks, [and
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led to] violations of college rules and female proprieties, and even immoralities. Yes, caffeine is
the tits. Studies have shown that in vitro application of caffeine to rat neurons led to 33% growth
in their dendratic spines and the formation of new spines as well, though this growth only lasted
anterior cingulate cortex, which improves both short term memory and attention span. Thus, you
should include caffeine, at the very least, in your daily supplement regime. Added to ephedrine,
aspirin, and yohimbe, as I detailed here, its a fat-annihilating vortex of thermogenic awesomeness
that makes Lipo-6 look like a jelly donut from Krispy Kreme by comparison.
Test Boosters:
If theres one thing that the world needs more of at this point, its testosterone. Well, testosterone
and dogs. There could stand to be more dogs as well, since dogs fucking rule as much or more
than testosterone. In any event, with the cornucopia of phyto- and xenoestrogens to which were
constantly exposed, the world is seeing a spate of slutty little girls with tits, fat men with tits, small
cocks, and generally a display of pussiness never before withnessed in the world outside of a eu-
nuch convention. Actually, fuck that- I can think of one or two historical eunuchs (Gang Bing and
Narses imediately spring to mind) who were more of a man than metrosexual fucktards like our
favorite plagiarizer, Nate Green.
In any event, test boosters of one form or another are a good idea- theyll help you drop fat, gain
muscle, and fuck like a porn star. There are essentially three ways to go about this, which Ive de-
tailed at length in past blogs, here and here. You can boost test with LH-enhancing shit like tribulus
terrestris and longjack, or replace it with prohormones/designer steroids/steroids. Its up to you
which one you do, just make sure you do one or the other, and follow my suggestions for using
environmental triggers to jack up your T as well. If youre going to go the prohormone/designer
steroid route, I highly recommend prohormones containing the following:
M1 4ADD. 25% of this compound converts to Dianabol in your stomach

DMZ. DMZ is essentially two Superdrol molecules jammed together. Unfortunately, this does not mean its twice as
powerful as Superdrol, but youll slap on some weight with it.
You can get all or some of those at Nutrition Warehouse in Columbia, SC, or online here. If you
happen to go in there, pick Spuds brain about training and diet- hes the fucking man when it
comes to powerlifting (WPO world record holder in the squat) and bodybuilding.
Multivitamin:
In my opinion, theres one multi on the planet you should take: Animal Pak. It megadoses the shit
out of everything you need, throws in a bunch of shit thats of dubious utility but couldnt hurt,
and has helped me keep my antioxident levels in the Holy Fuck, you just broke my antioxidant
reader range during extended periods of ketosis. it is, in short, the bomb. If youre not feeling the
price, get a cheaper multi that still megadoses your antioxidants, like the Vitamin Shoppe brand
or GNCs Mega Man. The key to discerning whether or not its a good vitamin is whether or not
it smells badly enough to take paint off the walls. If it does, its good stuff. If not, its too tightly
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compressed to be digestible. You can also test them by dropping a tab or two into some Apple Ci-
der Vinegar, which bears the same pH level as your stomach.
Some people might contend that the multi is unnecessary. Sure it is, if youve got the tightest, most
complete diet of all time. The builders at Baalbek would have contended that one neednt use mor-
tar to create lasting stone architecture as well. Well, my diets macros are tight, but my micros are
lacking, and the multi is the mortar that holds the who fucking thing altogether. Im betting youre
more like me than Paul Chek, so just buy some Animal Pak, then have a Coke and a smile and shut
the fuck up.
CHEAT MEALS:
I believe that scheduled cheat windows are absolutely necessary for the maximization of ones met-
failure and place ones self in jeopardy of going completely insane. I realize that there are a few
vocal advocates of 100% clean eating out there, like Pauline Nordin, but frankly, I could give a shit-
Im not a competitive bodybuilder, and I can maintain mid-single digits bodyfat with no problem
and no cardio utilizing scheduled cheat windows.
First, a bit of semantics. I initially believed that the precepts I held regarding cheat meals were at
odds with those of John Berardi, whose opinion on all things diet I value highly. Not so, it seems-
we merely disagreed semantically. Rather than rewrite his description of cheat meals, refeeds, and
planned overfeeding (as some of my fellow bloggers have done, without giving credit where its
-
sidered clean) and/or over consumes these foods. Cheat meals are usually the consequence of getting hungry and
not having good food options available. An example of a cheat meal is being on the road and not having a chicken
breast and vegetable dinner available so you stop at a restaurant and eat a burger, fries, and a milkshake.
-
cur when eating maintenance intake or above since this meal will probably bump your calories up above the mainte-
nance or habitual level of intake. Planned overfeedings can be carried out with excess amounts of clean foods or
with other foods not considered bodybuilding friendly and are usually in place to allow time to eat fun foods so
that athletes dont feel so deprived as well as to help with recovery. An example of a planned overfeeding is ordering
4 large pizzas for yourself and 3 friends every other Sunday afternoon when in the midst of a serious strength and
power phase.

in carbohydrates. Refeeds usually occur when dieting and are planned in order to provide a brief day of psycholog-
a strict diet of 1500kcal 5 days per week and consuming 2500kcal of clean bodybuilding foods (the additional kcal
coming mostly from carbohydrates) on the other 2 days.
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nearly impossible to make if youve got a scintilla of willpower. If you dont, stop reading this blog
-
thing, anything, to happen in World of Warcraft. Fuck my life, that game is beyond boring. In
which I am referring.
The key, then, is that these are scheduled, timed affairs. They should last only 3 hours at a
time, in my opinion, and they should occur one to two times per week. I plan these out in my head
prior to engaging in them, purchase whatever I need for them just before doing so, eat my fucking
face off, and toss anything thats still extant at the 3 hour mark. No starving kids in Africa is go-
is a pile of bullshit, and it will only serve to fuck your dieting goals by tempting you while youre
playing Call of Duty or when you come home hammered and starving at 4AM. Dont stock up on
In re the duration and frequency of your cheat windows, there are basically three schools of
thought on this:
dont do it at all (Chris Aceto, Pauline Nordine, and various other psychotics)
do it twice a week at regular intervals for 3-4 hours (Lyle McDonald, Warren Willey)
do it once a week for the entire day (same guys).
that cheat meals are essential- at least one study has shown that short breaks from high fat diets
will not have an adverse effect on lipolytic activity, and lipolytic activity in people who take high
carb breaks from high fat diets are actually higher than those who are on a high carbohydrate diet
(Saitoh). As I advocate low carb diets, this is rather important. It becomes moreso when you
consider one of Dave Palumbos comments in re cheat windows, wherein he stated that if you
use a keto-diet, youll need to have a cheat meal (to spike insulin) at least once per week to keep the
thyroid functioning normally.
Also, as I stated in my previous blog on bulking, cheat windows speed the metabolism (Matsu-
moto), replenish your glycogen stores, (Bowden) and increase your thyroid, adrenal, and sex hor-
mones (Poehlman), in addition to providing an awesome forced break from clean eating (Westrate).
Given that youre reading this blog, I think its no mystery that Im hyper-intense, slightly insane,
and not terribly amenable to long-distance, low intensity events, which is what a cheat day would
be. For those, most authors recommend that you keep your cheating fairly reasonable, or you run
the risk of undoing a lot of the metabolic goodness youve created with your 6 days of dieting.
They also recommend those days for occasions wherein dieting simply isnt feasible, like taking a
trip to an amusement park, or some other day-long event at which itd be a pain in the ass for you,
and a major inconvenience and annoyance to those around you (mostly the latter, because no one
gives a fuck if you have veins on your abs but you).
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In re the shorter, more intense cheats- thats not to state that its a foregone conclusion that theyre
better, but the science (cited above) seems to point in the direction of shorter, more intense cheats
in order to obtain the more extreme metabolic enhancements. Luckily, thats my cup o fucking tea-
brief, vulgar, and going for the jugular.
Thus, in my 3 hours cheat windows (which should always come on non-consecutive days, or youll
again run the risk of obviating the point of the exercise), I eat as many calories as I can possibly
while eating), and more energetic, and feel like a giant killer robot with a 50 foot boner who shits
hundred dollar bills- thats how I know that Im getting the proper metabolic response. What do I
eat to achieve this sensation? This sort of shit:
Example 1:
1 Small Pepperoni and Sausage Pizza
10 piece Chicken Nuggets
Small, heavily buttered movie popcorn
Example 2:
12 KFC Hot Wings
Most of a Digiorno 3 Meat Pizza
Example 3:
Medium Papa Johns Spicy Italian Pizza
Cinnastix
Cheese Breadsticks
Example 4:
20 Breaded Spicy Garlic Hooters wings
Large DQ Blizzard with Heath Bars and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
As you can see, theres a pattern- I literally eat for three straight hours, I ensure I start with protein,
and I eat whatever I want after the protein. If Im not eating, I feel like Im missing out. Thus, I
usually pick foods on which I can graze. Theres no metabolic reasoning for this- its just what I
like to do.
For those of you who are about to throw Lyle McDonald in my face, relax, Ive read the same shit.
as an excuse to eat yourself sick or eat three times what youd normally eat (McDonald 34). Ill
tell you this from experience- the farther you get in a given diet, the less you can consume in three
hours- its a matter of pure biology. Thus, at the beginning of your diet, youll be able to eat more
during your cheats, which will likely slow your progress. It will, however, completely obliterate any
reason youd have to abandon the fucking thing. As you get further along in your diet, and you
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-
ing to naturally restrict yourself on your cheats, or cut yourself down to one balls-out cheat a week
and one minor one. If that doesnt happen naturally for you, take McDonalds advice. I, however,
purposes: physical, because I get the metabolic advantages listed above, psychological, because I
get all the foods I might want on a regular day at once, and emotional, because I feel satiated and
is not responding thusly, start putting the brakes on manually- treat it like youre a blind man at an
orgy... youre gonna have to feel this one out.
Timing:
I usually choose to have my cheat meals at night. From a insulin standpoint this is probably not
ideal, but from a lifestyle standpoint, I dont care. Theres not enough of a difference in hormone
awesome to go to bed full to bursting and have the night to digest and bomb out my place in peace,
rather than force myself to eat a meal when its inconvenient.
Some nutritionists believe that pre-workout is the best time for a scheduled cheat window. Anytime
-
ter, and I spend the majority of the time trying not to throw up or shit my pants, or both. As such,
of disruption from physical activity. Additionally, its on this day that Ill occasionally take the op-
portunity to drink absurd amounts of Jager or some other liquor, and Im of the opinion that the
cheat meal both mitigates the possibility of hangover and facilitates the assimilation of far more
alcohol without negative effect, in addition to dropping the glycemic index of sweeter liquors (like
Jager). I realize that some of you may be screaming but it lowers your test levels! SCREEEEEE!
Relax. According to a study published in 2003, Heavy acute alcohol drinking decreases blood tes-
tosterone in men due to an effect on the testicular level, which means that if you drink your fuck-
ing face off, your test levels will rise accordingly (Sarkola). A far more in depth explanation was
provided by Patrick Arnold in Muscular Development, in which he stated that alcohol consumption
gives a short-term testosterone boost due to the manner in which ethanol is processed by the body
(Arnold).
Two supplements that will increase the effectiveness of your cheat meal are:
ECA stack- It increases your thermogenesis anyway, but ephedrine alone can increase the thermic effect
of a meal by 30%(Berardi). As such, make sure you whack that back prior to the initiation of your feeding frenzy
to ensure that youre getting the optimal metabolic response to your overfeeding.
Digestive enzymes- Before, during, and after. Trust me, theyll help. If youve been eating clean, your
bodys going to have something to say about what youre eating, and its going to let everyone in the room know
what it thinks about it. This should prevent any non-alcohol-related pants-shitting, and keep you from smelling like
youve shit them. Lastly, itll increase the absorption of the nutrients youd so rudely and crudely stuffed down your
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ravenous gullet, increasing the positive effects of that meal and hopefully negating any of the negative ones.
One last word on this, which I also mentioned in my last bulking blog- dont include these feeding
frenzies if youre not already lean. If youre a fatass, you dont deserve them from a mental stand-
point and cannot really utilize them from a metabolic one. As such, youd be wise to steer clear
until you can see some abs. For guys, this means under 15%, tops. For girls, that means... whatever
the female equivalent of 15% is. Well call it 25-27%. If you can see abs, have at it- otherwise, wait
have a hell of a time leaning out using these if Im not on an ultra-low carb diet for at least three
days out of the week and Im eating massive amounts of both carbs and fat during the cheat win-
dows. Make a note of what works and what doesnt, and actually utilize that information.
IF YOURE NOT CHEATING, YOURE NOT TRYING 2:
of this series. To recap:

they should be done either once or twice a week at regular intervals for 3-4 hours or once a week for the entire day.
theyre essential- at least one study has shown that short breaks from high fat diets will not have an adverse effect
on lipolytic activity, and lipolytic activity in people who take high carb breaks from high fat diets are actually higher than those
who are on a high carbohydrate diet.
according to Dave Palumbo, if you use a keto-diet, youll need to have a cheat meal (to spike insulin) at least once
per week to keep the thyroid functioning normally. Also, as I stated in my previous blog on bulking, cheat windows speed
the metabolism (Matsumoto), replenish your glycogen stores, (Bowden) and increase your thyroid, adrenal, and sex hormones
(Poehlman), in addition to providing an awesome forced break from clean eating (Westrate).
In that blog, I went into great detail as to why you should cheat, but only a bit into how to do so.
As such, it stands that a treatment on exactly how one should structure their diet before, during,
and after their cheat to maximize their results.
The Overall Diet Structure
Thats not to state that the general structure of your diet, unless its an unabashed shit-show, is the
end-all be all of the utility of cheat windows, but the manner in which your cheat meal will ulti-
mately effect you changes with your overall diet.
Any dieter whos gotten into the game in the last ten years likely follows a low carb diet of one sort
or another. For the purposes of simplicity, Ill separate them into the keto diet (low/no carb, high
fat, high protein) and the paleo diet (low carb, low/low-moderate carbs, high protein, low/moder-
ate fats). Though both of these diets can be altered further by modulating the number of calories
eaten, Ill generalize and state that, by and large, people on a keto diet eat more calories than people
on the paleo diet. Its here that the primary difference lies, and the root of what I consider to be
the key difference in the manner in which the cheat meal will affect you. In paleo dieters, due to
the lower calories, theyll see a much greater overall effect on thermogenesis and the endocrine sys-
tem. For keto dieters, however, the effect will lie in the other positive responses paleo dieters also
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will enjoy- greater thyroid response, insulin spikes, and replenishment of glycogen stores. Because
theyre far more likely to be in a caloric surplus than the paleo dieters, keto dieters thermogenic
response wont be as great. For this reason, its also far more advisable and necessary for paleo
dieters to utilize two cheat windows a week than it is for keto dieters.
Warren Willey has a great analogy for a method by which dieters should view carbohydrate con-
sumption. In it, he has his readers envision an empty cup in front of them, which represents their
bodys ability to handle active carbohydrates.
When that cup is half full, your body will utilize the energy from the carbohydrates and the
energy from fat. As the cup approaches fullness, however, the body is more inclined to use
the energy from the carbohydrates, and leave the fat alone (survivalist response). When you
eat too many active carbohydrates, or you eat too many at the wrong time of the day, your
cup runneth over and that excess is stored as fat! At the opposite extreme, when that cup is
empty, your body has little energy to perform activities of daily living and exercise.
Thus, Willey recommends periods of low or no free carbs prior to a scheduled cheat window in
Ori Hofmeklers Warrior Diet theory of over- and undereating seems to coincide in many regards
with Willeys theory, and falls in line with my anecdotal evidence. It seems that in all three cases, an
undereating phase, followed by an overeating phase, creates a highly anabolic environment. Oris
cycle is on a much smaller scale, as he recommends a daily period of undereating that is nearly a
fast, followed by a large nighttime meal. Expanding his timeline, one sees that eating a paleo or
paleo-esque, lower calorie, low carb-high protein diet, followed by a large cheat meal, can elicit a
similar effect.
That effect is, in Oris words, that nutrients are assimilated at a greater rate, there is an acceleration
of the anabolic process of repairing tissues and building muscles and all of the other shit I men-
tioned above. It is more necessary and effective to use cheat windows in concert with paleo dieting
windows are useful no matter which of the two you choose. Frankly, Ive got doubts if a cheat
does any fucking thing at all when utilizing an isocaloric diet, it might give you a slight metabolic
boost if your calories are on the low side. Ill leave that to the more adventurous/dietarily lazy
among you to decide, however.
The Meal Itself

Interestingly, Hofmekler and Willey agree in many regards in their suggestions for the structure of
cheat meals, in spite of the fact that their overall recommendations for dieting differ wildly. The
cheat meal,according to both authors, should have its foods ordered so that you eat your bland
and ended with carbohydrates. Willey doesnt actually give any reasoning in the works Ive read,
but Hofmeklers will serve- he thinks that the human body doesnt tolerate eating foods that are
aggressive in taste before bland foods, and that conditioning yourself to eat blander foods will
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reduce your cravings for fast food. Beginning, then, with veggies will prep your stomach to accept
Thereafter, you should eat your proteins and carbs, and both authors recommend that you include
diet the better off youll be (WD 57 and BTS 61). Finally, both authors recommend that you stop
eating when youre more thirsty than hungry, as this is a good indicator that youve eaten enough.
While these suggestions are great guidelines, theyre nonsense if youre out with friends, hungry,
probably going to do a bit of drinking, and youre out to enjoy yourself. What fucking pub serves
vegetables? None at which Id ever drink, thats for fucking sure. As such, I personally do the fol-
lowing- start with protein, make sure that Im consistently eating protein throughout the meal, eat a
couple of different things, and stop at exactly three hours. Ill take digestive enzymes in addition to
-
tion of the food generally goes off with little to no kickback from my intestines as a result. Protein
is my primary concern at all times, even during a cheat meal, and all else follows thereafter. Once
Ive kicked off my meal with at least 40 grams of protein, Ill follow it up with a festival of carbo-
for most Americans.
Ive listed a bunch cheat meals in my other blogs on the subject, but my recent favorites are gener-
ally something akin to Churchs Chicken (a couple of spicy wings will do, as their wings have 1/4 to
1/2 a breast attached to each) followed by half a meat-lovers pizza and then popcorn with butter
at the movies. In keeping with Willeys recommendations in Better Than Steroids, I make sure I eat
at least some spicy food, as capsaicin helps increase metabolism(BTS 61). Beyond that, I just eat
my fucking face off and try to get as much protein as I can while I do it. A bit of quick calculating
tells me that with my average weekend cheat, I kick it off with 81g of protein (900 cals total) and
total of 141g of protein and 2889 calories.
Youll notice that I eat my carbs last, which I do religiously. For me, it serves a valuable purpose
outside of the nutritive quality- I make sure I eat my protein while I still have room to do so. If
it also serve to lower the glycemic load on your system, which is especially valuable if youre eating
something sweet. Finally, this will help keep your carbs to a manageable level, so that your proverbi-
al cup wont runneth over as the result of a single cheat.
If I have a second cheat during the week, its usually something far more tame, like having high
protein pasta with extra-lean ground beef in marinara, and maybe some low-fat cinnamon buns
for dessert. The second cheat meal occurs generally only if Im doing a paleo or lower calorie
keto diet, or if I simply happen to be starving no matter what I eat during the day on Tuesday or
Wednesday. Remember, a cardinal rule of cheat windows is to have them on non-consecutive days.
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One interesting and compelling argument that inadvertently supports my food choices in cheat
meals comes from the Warrior Diet. I just stumbled across it while researching for this blog, and I
thought Id pass it along, as its metal as fuck.
bite of its prey always tastes warm (since this is a fresh kill). Scavengers, on the other hand,
who eat leftover corpses, enjoy the cold taste of the animal that was killed by a predator
beforehand. Its my belief that when you eat and enjoy warm food, it triggers the Preda-
tor Instinct, and those people who settle with cold leftovers may trigger the Scavenger In-
stinct(WD 65).
Finishing Out The Day

Ori recommends drinking water and any tea that stimulates digestion like peppermint, ginger,
green and chamomile, which is great advice, I suppose, but its not really my primary concern. If
you follow my advice, you shouldnt have any problem with digestion. If youre a Brit, or a mem-
ber of some other wacky tea-drinking culture, by all means have at it. Otherwise, just make sure
every three hours. This means youre likely having a shake three hours after the conclusion of
your cheat meal. Thatll keep your metabolism rolling and prevent you from consuming a second
meal, and a middle of the night protein shake will serve you well in preventing your cheat from
becoming a 24 hour affair.
So, the moral of this story is that if youre not cheating, youre not trying motherfuckers.
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GLYCOGEN SUPERCOMPENSATION & WEIGHT MANIPULATION
This is my method for making weight with diet and manipulating my weight after weigh-in to crush
shit and ruin lives on the platform. If you want my cutting methodology for shedding water specif-
ically, see Issuance of Insanity 1 and 2, and/or . The method I utilize is actually
a trick utilized by bodybuilders to show up onstage as lean and dry as possible, while maintaining
maximum fullness. Theyve got slightly different water manipulation methods, so if youre interest-
ed in utilizing this for bodybuilding, youll have to alter your rehydration.
Glycogen Supercompensation begins with a 5 day keto run, during which time you should not have
more than 30g of carbs a day. A normal person would lose a considerable amount of water weight
during such a time, but I am once more an outlier and do not. Apparently, I exist in a near-con-
stant state of glycogen depletion, so I only lose about 5 lbs in a week. I end up ripped to pieces
though. Two weeks out from a bodybuilding competition type ripped.
But Jamie, I have been living under a rock and have no idea what glycogen supercompen-
out, but I read about it in two separate places simultaneously- Better Than Steroids, by Dr. Warren
Willey (which I HIGHLY recommend), and an article written (I think) by Christian Thibedeaux on
T-Nation (the two methods are vastly, vastly different, which I just discovered by reading an article
on it. In any event, one spends between 5 and 14 days on a keto run (that is, running a constant
macronutrient ratio of about 50-70% Fat, 25-45% Protein, and 5% Carbs). The last day of the
keto run I only consume whey protein shakes, usually Isopure or Cytosport, to keep my carbs near
or at zero, limit my salt as much as possible, and ensure I have nothing in my intestines (shed every
ounce of weight). At 5 PM the night before weighin, I stop eating and drinking completely, and
start my supercompensation literally the SECOND I step off the scale.
So, at the end of the week, you have a 24-48 hr supercompensation period. Wiley explains the met-
abolic pathways in great detail, but in my carb-depleted state, I forgot the fucking book, so I will
relate the formulae to you from memory (but heres an article giving you a bit more background).
Im that good. He recommends a 36 hr supercompensation period, but I have never competed in
a meet with anything more than a 24 hour weighin, so for the purposes of this book well just go
with a 24 hour supercompensation.
Back to supercompensation. It breaks down into two parts.

PART ONE- LIQUID CARBS (0-12 HRS)
Lean bodyweight in kilos x 12 / 6 meals x 12 grams of carbs. Thatll tell you how many grams of
carbs per feeding. Thus, my feedings at my next meet will be roughly:
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So, I then multiply my lbm in kg by 12 grams of CHO, and get a total of 938.18, and divide that by
6 meals, which gives me 156g of carbs every two hours. For these, he recommends taking them in
the most bio-available method possible- liquid. I, then, combine glycerine, salt, and creatine into
Gatorades and chug every two hours. It ends up being a more or less continuous feeding, and I
premake my drinks the night before to have them ready. Per 12 oz Gatorade I add 5g of creatine, a
tablespoon of glycerine per 12 oz, and a teaspoon of salt.
PART TWO- SOLID CARBS (12-24HRS)

Same deal but half of the carbs, and they are high-glycemic solid carbs (I generally go with cereal).
As a practical rule, I dont follow this tremendously strictly. I make sure I drink my Gatorades to
rehydrate completely, but I pretty much spend the day facing as many hamburgers and fries and as
much pizza as my stomach can handle. I always make sure to have a high-calorie breakfast the day
of the meet, loaded with salt, and keep drinking the Powerade Zero loaded with my cocktail and
eating Captain Crunch- I literally bring both with me wherever I go. Additionally, I always go to
the movies the night before a meet and eat a large buttered popcorn as I chill, in an effort to jam
more salt and carb into me while I relax in a really cold room (as youll be sweating like a rapist
from your metabolism revving up to utilize the fuel youre giving it. The idea, here, is that the more
salt and water your cells are holding, the greater your power output is going to be. If you see a guy
whos not eating at a meet, you can rest assured hes having a terrible fucking day- you must keep
your body fueled to ensure success, and the idea is to be as heavy as possible on the platform. Ob-
viously, you dont want to eat yourself sick, and I high recommend taking as much charcoal and di-
gestive enzymes as possible during your reefed, as your intestines will rebel after your low carb and
dehydration period. You will, however, feel fucking phenomenal while youre lifting. I guarantee it.
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a twenty-foot radius of our table we are going to set the maitre d on
NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC, BUT
Alcohol consumption has, at least in the United States, been a contentious issue. At the risk of
beating the balls off a long dead horse, I will again ascribe responsibility for this issue to Christians,
as they are solely responsible for the development of a teetotal movement in the United States
thats never really existed anywhere else (save for India, which shares a hatred of awesome with
Christian fundamentalists). The humorous aspect of that is, to me, that Jesus liked to party, so Im
not really clear on where Christians developed the idea that Jesus was straightedge. Irrespective of
how or why the Prohibitionists in the US developed that notion, however, they disregarded both
the words of their own holy book, evidence from thousands of years of human history, and the
fact that primates have apparently consumed alcohol for the duration of our familys existence to
arrive at the conclusion that alcohol is the debbil. Even tree shrews, which have a higher brain
mass to body mass ratio than humans, drink their fucking faces off all the live long day in the wild.
Though not precisely primates, theyre prosimians, and are often used as an alternative to primates
for extinct mammals representing the stock from which all extinct and living treeshrews and pri-
mates radiated. Therefore, we hypothesize that moderate to high alcohol intake was present early
on in the evolution of these closely related lineages (Wiens). In fact, scientists believe humanitys
love for boozing is actually an evolutionary hangover from our fruit-eating primate ancestors,ma-
ny of whom seem to have had a tasted for fermented fruit. Thats right- for those of you out there
for at least the last 9,000 years, humans have certainly adapted to alcohol consumption well enough
to obviate the arguments of teetotalers who contend that alcohol impairs athletic performance, es-
for consuming prodigious amounts of alcohol on a regular basis. For instance, Tacitus has this to
their imperial aims- the Germanic tribes:
To pass an entire day and night in drinking disgraces no one. Their quarrels, as might be
expected with intoxicated people, are seldom fought out with mere abuse, but commonly
with wounds and bloodshed. Yet it is at their feasts that they generally consult on the recon-
even on peace and war, for they think that at no time is the mind more open to simplicity of
purpose or more warmed to noble aspirations (Viking Answer Lady).
Contrary to what one would think after perusing any discussion about drinking and hypertrophy
Page 247
on an American internet message board, the Germans were hardly sickly fuckers- in fact, they were
renown in the ancient world for being the biggest, strongest, scariest motherfuckers on Earth. Ac-
(Medieval Sourcebook). the same goes for the cultural successors to the Germanic tribes, the Vi-
kings, who drank beer, ale and mead with alcohol concentrations of 9-10% and 8-18%, respectively
very regularly, and had at least three instances of multi-day binge drinking per year associated with
festivals. Likewise, the Scythians were well known for their use of cannabis and alcohol, the Mon-
gols drank (and still drink) kumis as a nearly exclusive source of hydration, the Chinese have been
drinking alcohol since 7000 BC and have dominated East Asia for the duration, Indian warriors
began consuming an alcoholic beverage known as sura 5,000 years ago and have dominated South
Asia the entire time, and Maya and Incan warriors consumed vast quantities of alcohol during the
span of their empires reigns over Mesoamerica.
Straight up and on the rocks

My livers hella shot
Fuck all the bros and jocks
Tonight Im rollin with the cops
This aint no A and E
Wont see me on intervention
Straight A student, honor rollin,
Sneaking vodka in detention
Thats all well and good, you might be saying, but those motherfuckers are dead, probably of liver
failure, and according to Bodybuilding.coms genius posters, catabolism and low testosterone levels
(bet those fuckers fucked chicks and jerked off too! Suckers! Killed their gainz and their empires
simultanously.) Let us, then, examine some more modern examples of epic lifters who were also
epic drinkers:
Arthur Saxon. Though he lifted for two to three hours in the morning and often performed twice a night,
this legendary lifter drank his fucking face off daily. Claiming to have been weaned on beer, Saxon drank a
health drink consisting of a stout beer and a shot of gin with eggs and sugar added, and once drank 50 beers prior
to a performance in Britain and still failed to miss a lift (Inch).
Vasily Alekseyev. When they were in the training hall sizing each other up Vasily was always gone only to
return after hours. The other competitors slept in their beds like giant babes while Uncle Vasily ran up and down
-
ing giants rooms (Sorin).
David Rigert. Like Alekseyev, Rigert was a Russian Olympic weightlifting phenomenon who was legendary
for his vodka consumption and chain smoking habits.
Bulgarian Olympic weightlifters. Anyone who has ever trained with these guys comes back with a six week
hangover, as the Bulgarians apparently think water and vodka are interchangeable for hydration.
Hermann Goerner and the early 20th Century Germans. Many German gyms were not only places where
you went to improve strength, health and muscularity. They were also social centers, places where friends met,
where you took your wife or girlfriend. They were, at the turn of the century and well into the 1920s attached to a
beer garden or close to one.... Around the four walls of the gym were benches, and above them the shelves where
you kept your personal beer stein (Smith).
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Norbert Schemansky. The angriest man ever to compete and win at anything at all, Mike Tyson included,
credited his success with a diet consisting of hamburgers, pizza, beer and once stated that he drank so much Bud-
weiser would be his sole sponsor if he was lifting today (Green).
When asked why he drank so much beer, Schemansky had this to say, Because fuck you,
I could go on at some length, because Ive frankly never met an elite lifter who didnt like to drink.
Theres actually a reason for this- elite competitors are much more inclined to indulge in risk-taking
behaviors than the average person (Jacobs). Additionally, exercise and drinking are very positively
correlated. The more you drink, the more you exercise, and vice-versa. Though scientists have no
idea why this is, they do know that exercise mitigates the damage done to the brain in binge drink-
ing, and that
drinking is associated with a 10.1 percentage point increase in the probability of exercis-
minutes per week than current moderate drinkers and about 20 more minutes per week than
current abstainers. Meanwhile, the authors continue, an extra episode of binge drinking
increases the number of minutes of total and vigorous physical activity per week for both
women and men (Reynolds).
While that might seem counter-intuitive to most people, it falls in line with what statistics show-
the countries with the highest per capita consumption of alcohol seem, almost invariably, to be
the countries that produce the best lifters. Here are the top twenty six nations in the world for per
capita alcohol consumption and some of their strength sport (Ive included the Olympic sports in
which strength plays a profound role) feats:
1. Moldova- 2 bronzes in weightlifting, 2 in boxing, 1 in wrestling, which isnt bad for a country known solely
for car theft and corruption. Additionally, its only been a country since 1994, and boasts a population of
only 3.5M. In spite of those facts, the US was barely able to pick up as many medals in weightlifting in the
same time frame.
2. Czech Republic- 1 silver in boxing. Only a country since 1993 and pop of 10M. As a part of Czechoslova-
kia, however, they pulled down 15 medals in wrestling, 8 in weightlifting, and 6 in boxing out of a country
with a population of 13-15 million.
3. Hungary- 20 medals each in boxing and weightlifting, and 54 in weightlifting though they only have a pop-
ulation of 10M people. Clearly, drinking ones face off and boasting the genetic line of Attila helps on the
lifting platform.
4. Russia- 48 medals in wrestling, 26 in boxing, 26 in weightlifting as Russia (since 1992), and 116 in wrestling,
62 in weightlifting, and 51 in boxing as the Soviet Union. Additionally, Russians hold roughly half of the
world records in powerlifting and are capable of more evil per pound of bodyweight than any other group
of people in history, especially if homos are nearby. Vodka for the win.
5. Ukraine- 14 each in boxing and wrestling and 8 in weightlifting since 1992 and home of Worlds Strongest
Man winner Vasyl Virastuk.
6. Estonia- 11 wrestling, 7 weightlifting, and 1 boxing medal in the Olympics, though its only been a country
since 1991 and has a population of 1.2M.
7. Andorra- Not even a country, really. Not sure how the hell it made this list, as Ive taken shits larger and
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more interesting than Andorra.

8. Romania- 32 wrestling, 13 weightlifting, and 25 boxing medals, in spite of the fact they have about 11 dollars
vampires.
9. -
yard. Yugoslavia, however, which consisted of Slovenia, Macedonia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, and Croatia
had 16 wrestling and 11 boxing medals in 70 years of competition out of a population of 23M.
10. Belarus- 10 weightlifting, 8 wrestling, and 2 boxing medals since 1992, plus they boast badass chick power-
lifter Irena Pietrovich in one of the few countries still run by a psychotic despot.
11. Croatia- 2 boxing medals, one very fucking badass Mirko Crocop, and the aforementioned Great Antonio
(in the last stew-roids blog).
12.
and 6 wrestling medals at the Olympics in under ten years.
13. South Korea- 20 boxing medals, 35 in wrestling, and 11 in weightlifting, all in spite of the fact that the coun-
14. Portugal- Portugal sucks at everything but drinking, apparently. When some of the people in that country
used to actually have jobs, though, they did help discover the New World.
15. Ireland- 16 boxing medals in the Olympics, and birthplace of Glenn Ross, WSM competitor and powerlifter.
16. France- 19 boxing, 17 wrestling, and 15 weightlifting medals, though they seem to have peaked quite early
and have done virtually nothing of note in decades.
17. United Kingdom- Home of WSM winners Jamie Reeves, Geoff I have very butthurt fans Capes, and
Gary Taylor. Theyve also boasted their fare share of good powerlifters, and 53 boxing, 17 wrestling, and 7
weightlifting medals in the Olympics.
18. Denmark- 12 boxing, 8 wrestling, and 3 weightlifting medals, plus the home and birthplace of one of the
few people to fuck Grace Jones and live to tell the tale, Sven Ole Thorson..
19. Slovakia- 3 boxing, 5 wrestling, and one weightlifting medal as an independent nation, but also contributed
to the badassery displayed in the former Czechoslovakia.
20. Poland- Home of Marius Pudzianowki, Sebastian Wenta, and Krzysztof Radzikowski, in addition to 43 box-
ing, 25 wrestling, and 32 weightlifting medals, plus a partridge in a pear tree.
21. Austria- Two wrestling and 9 Olympic weightlifting medals to their credit, in addition to being the birthplace
of Arnold Schwartzennegger, Roland Kickinger, and Manfred Hoerberl.
22. Luxembourg- Barely a country and boasts a population of ten rich people and their menservants, but they
still have a silver in weightlifting and legendary strongman John Marx Grunn.
23. Germany- 22 boxing, 24 wrestling, 20 weightlifting medals, and currently boasts badass Olympic lifters Mat-
thias Steiner (the dude who dropped several hundred pounds on his head at the last Olympics) and weight-
lifting goddess Julia Rohde, who would have been worshipped as a diety in 1940s Germany.
24. Finland- Birthplace of some of the most legendary deadlifters in history, WSM winners Janne Virtanen and
Jouku Ahola, and WSM runners-up Riku Kiri, Marko Varalahti, and Ilkka Nummisto.
25. Latvia- Home of Konstantin Konstantinovs and WSM competitor Raimonds Bergmannis. Nuff said.
26. Bulgaria- 18 boxing, 68 wrestling, and 36 weightlifting medals, in a country with three million fewer people
in it than New York City and roughly the same GDP as the state of Virginia. That, my friends, is called
drinking your way to weightlifting excellence.
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By contrast, the countries with the lowest alcohol consumption have very few or no Olympic med-
als, no good powerlifters, and no decent strongmen, in spite of the fact that many of them having
comparatively massive populations- Im looking at you, Bangladesh. Does this mean drinking con-
fers great strength? Certainly not, but it does point to a very interesting correlation. While were
on the subject, though,

So, where does this put us? Squarely in the tell the 16 year olds on the internet to spend more
time lifting and less time debating pointless minutiae section of the library. If youre going to be
a Billy Badass, youre likely going to be a badass drinker as well. The two seem to go together like
can have one without the other, youre not bloody likely to. Thus, it might be time to grab your-
selves some Devotion vodka (its got 2 grams of casein protein per shot) and head down to the
gym for a bit of the old anything you can do I can do better drunk as a fucking lord, because
Just bear in mind theres a reasonable chance you might die, and try not to (thats my legal disclaim-
er for when you parents try to sue me over your corpse).
CONCLUSION
There you have it, folks. In all of its meandering, bizarre, spastic wonderfulness, everything I
know about diet and dieting. What you do with this information is entirely up to you- Im all about
leading horses to water, not holding their fucking heads under and forcing them to drink or drown.
You will either utilize this information to become awesome or shelve this shit for a rainy day and
realize when you read it that youd wasted years by neglecting a massive part of training that could
have ultimately spurred you onto glory. The choices you make are yours- just make them and
fucking own them. Now go make a pot of stew, bring it into the gym, and face that shit while you
make PRs fall like virgins panties when Chris Hemsworth enters the room.
Page 251
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Appendix A: Chart of well known protein powder brands with their cost in US dollars based o a fixed
markup from wholesale cost.
price per gram
grams of protein number of grams of protein protein net impact carbs Filler- Taurine and/or
Name of Protein Weight in LB Cost in USD Price per LB per serving servings per container per serving Glycene >1.5 g
CSN 20 179 $8.95 24 359 8616 0.021 2n
CSN 10 76 $7.60 24 142 3408 0.022 2n
MMI 5 41 $8.20 22 76 1672 0.025 4n
MGM Pure Iso 5 62 $12.40 30 76 2280 0.027 1n
CSN 3 29 $9.67 24 43 1032 0.028 2n
Elite XT 4.43 36 $8.13 21 61 1281 0.028 4n
Matrix 5 49 $9.80 23 71 1633 0.030 2n
Gold Standard 10 116 $11.60 24 149 3576 0.032 4n
Elite XT 2.2 21 $9.55 21 29 609 0.034 4n
Giant Protein 5 62 $12.40 27 63 1701 0.036 3y
MGM Pure Iso 2 29 $14.50 30 25 750 0.039 1n
Oh Yeah 2.4 30 $12.50 32 24 768 0.039 6n
Matrix 2 27 $13.50 23 30 660 0.041 2n
Perfect Whey 2 28 $14.00 22 32 704 0.040 2n
Elite Gourmet 5 52 $10.40 21 62 1302 0.040 6n
Combat 4.6 51 $11.09 24 52 1248 0.041 4n
Iso-100 5 84 $16.80 25 81 2025 0.041 0n
Elite Gourmet 2 25 $12.50 21 28 588 0.043 6n
Gold Standard 3.33 50 $15.02 24 48 1152 0.043 4n
MMI 2 22 $11.00 22 23 506 0.043 4n
Isopure 3 48 $16.00 50 22 1100 0.044 0n
Oh Yeah 4 52 $13.00 32 37 1184 0.044 5n
Gold Standard 2 31 $15.50 24 29 696 0.045 4n
Pro Complex 4.6 75 $16.30 60 28 1680 0.045 3n
ProSupps 4.4 78 $17.73 20 87 1740 0.045 0y
Hexapro 3 35 $11.67 25 31 775 0.045 6y
Myofusion 5 64 $12.80 24 58.2 1396.8 0.046 8n
ABB Pure Pro 4.5 55 $12.22 20 60 1200 0.046 5.5 n
Fusion 7 5.16 56 $10.85 23 53 1219 0.046 6n
Pro Antium 4.74 68 $14.35 29 50 1450 0.047 8n
Syntha-6 10 101 $10.10 22 97 2134 0.047 11 n
Monster Protein 5 48 $9.60 25 40 1000 0.048 12 n
Nitrotech 4 73 $18.25 30 50 1500 0.049 1y
Pro Complex 2.3 42 $18.26 60 14 840 0.050 3y
Iso-100 1.6 33 $20.63 25 26 650 0.051 0n
Performace Whey 2 28 $14.00 22 25 550 0.051 9n
iForce Protean 4 54 $13.50 20 53 1060 0.051 5.5 n
Protizyme 5 83 $16.60 25 65 1625 0.051 2n
Carnivor 2 33 $16.50 23 28 644 0.051 0n
Monster Milk 4.13 62 $15.01 50 24 1200 0.052 8n
Monster Protein 2 26 $13.00 25 20 500 0.052 12 n
Fusion 7 2.91 36 $12.37 23 30 690 0.052 6n
Beast 5.16 63 $12.21 20 60 1200 0.053 9n
Nectar 2 41 $20.50 6 130 780 0.053 0n
Syntha-6 5 56 $11.20 22 48 1056 0.053 11 n
Monster Milk 2.06 32 $15.53 50 12 600 0.053 8n
Nitrotech 2 40 $20.00 30 25 750 0.053 1y
Combat 2.3 34 $14.78 24 26 624 0.054 4n
Syntha-6 2.91 36 $12.37 22 30 660 0.055 11 n
Myofusion 2 31 $15.50 24 23 552 0.056 8y
Hydro Whey 3.5 68 $19.43 30 40 1200 0.057 2n
Syntha-6 Lean 0.058
Dessert 1.38 22 $15.94 21 18 378 7n
Muscle Milk 4.94 62 $12.55 16 64 1024 0.061 7n
Protizyme 2 40 $20.00 25 26 650 0.062 2n
Muscle Milk 2.47 32 $12.96 16 32 512 0.063 7n
Hydro Whey 1.75 38 $21.71 30 20 600 0.063 2n
VPX Protein 2 30 $15.00 20 23 460 0.065 14 n
Ultramet 0.169 3 $17.75 42 1 42 0.071 19 n
Muscle Milk 1.65 26 $15.76 12 30 360 0.072 6n
iForce Protean 2 35 $17.50 20 24 480 0.073 5.5 n
Muscle Milk 3 50 $16.67 12 56 672 0.074 6n
Ultramet 0.169 2.75 $16.27 35 1 35 0.079 4.8 n
Ultramet 0.169 2.5 $14.79 25 1 25 0.100 16 n
Name of Protein Weight in LB Cost in USD Price per LB grams of protein number of grams of protein price per gram net impact carbs Filler- Taurine and/or
$5-10 $15.01-20
$10.01-15 $20.01+

Jamie Lewis - Issuance of Insanity III - Nutritional Psycho 1 PDF

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Jamie Lewis - Issuance of Insanity III - Nutritional Psycho 1 PDF

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ISSUANCE OF INSANITY III:

DIGITAL PRINTING 2013

MISCELLANEOUS DIETS AND DIETING GOODNESS

The Supplements You Own End Up Owning You 126

YOURE FOCUSED ON ALL THE WRONG SORT OF DETAILS: 216

We are not machines.

Patrick Bateman: Im on a diet.

Patrick Bateman: Well, you can always be thinner... look better.

2. MORE MENTAL THAN PHYSICAL, AND HARDER THAN YOUD THINK

The Problem, As I See It

FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

In re Thinspiration, which is what sites dedicated to pictures of extraordinarily thin chicks

The Dark Period

retarded. Thus, this aside:

bottom, pick something else to do.

STEMMING THE TIDE OF DE-EVOLUTION, a.k.a. HARDEN THE FUCK UP

fuck who you are, THAT is the essence of brutality.

Other impressive past feats:

YOUR FAT IS UNEQUIVOCALLY YOUR FAULT

YOUR FAT IS UNEQUIVOCALLY YOUR FAULT 2:

disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I dont

PALEOLITHIC DIETING: CAVEMEN HAD IT RIGHT

As I mentioned earlier, and is mentioned in a study published in the journal

earning him the undying hatred of the Amer-

in controversy (Eaton, 6).

Ten Commandments of Paleo Dieting (as described by Ray Audette)

esophageal cancer. They are thus bad. (Wharton, 55)

READ A FUCKING BOOK, ALREADY: The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf

The John Holmes (i.e. Long) Treatment

The Infamous NorCal Margarita

My depersonalization was so intense, had gone so deep, that the nor-

What the Fuck is a Ketogenic Diet?

Theres Nothing New Under the Sun

Keto Dieting for Those Who Are Still Confused

The Icing on the Fucking Cake

Vince Gironda says:

ketosis may make you smarter-

Keto doesnt appear to be hurting my gainz- weighing in at 195, carb depleted.

Eat like a beast if you want to lift like one.

So, for the secret: drum roll please...

I feel Im moving toward as well as away from something, and any-

METABOLIC TYPING PART 1.5: If You Need a Little More Convincing

METABOLIC TYPING, PARTE DVAH: A Brief History of Metabolic Typing

choices were also extant.

On Guard, Ill Let You Try My Wu-Tang Style

Slurpees, Not Casinos

Vata - Pitta - Kapha (combination of all 3 doshas in balance)

Gyros and Baklava

MODERN METABOLIC TYPING:

1. In the morning you:

2. At a buffet, the foods you choose are:

3. Your appetite at lunch is:

4. Your appetite at dinner is:

5. Caffeine makes you feel:

7. At dinner you prefer to eat:

b) no preferences-choice varies daily

8. After dinner you:

9. The types of sweets you like are:

10. Eating fatty foods like meat or cheese before bed:

11. Eating carbs like breads and crackers before bed:

12. Eating sweets before bed:

13. How often do you eat each day?

14. Your attitude towards food is: