1

ASYOUNGASWEWEREEVERGOINGTOGET

[Page17]

God'sman

1wewere10or11yearsold
2whenwewenttoseethe
3priest.

4weknocked.
5afat,frumpywoman
6answeredthedoor.
7"yes?"sheasked.

8"wewanttoseethe
9priest,"oneofus
10said.
11IthinkitwasFrank
12whosaid
13it.

14"Father,"thewoman
15turnedherhead,
16"someboyswantto
17seeyou."

18"tellthemtocome
19in,"saidthe
20priest.

21"followme,"saidthe
22fat,frumpylady.

23wefollowedher.
24thepriestwasinhis
25study.
26hewasbehindhis
27desk.
28hepushedsomepapers
29aside.

30"yes,boys?"

[Page18]
31theladyleftthe
32room.

33"well,"Isaid.

34"well,"saidFrank.

35"yes,boys,goahead..."

36"well,"saidFrank,"we
37wonderedifGodwas
38reallythere."

39theFathersmiled.

40"but,ofcourse,He
41is."

42"butwhereisHe?"
43Iasked.

44"haven'tyouboys
45studiedyourcatechism?
46GodisEverywhere."

47"oh,"saidFrank.

48"thankyou,Father,
49wejustwantedto
50know,"Isaid.

51"it'squiteallright,
52boys,I'mgladyou
53asked."

54"thankyou,Father,"
55saidFrank.

56webothdidlittle
57bows,then

[Page19]

58turned
59andwalkedoutof
60theroom.

61thefat,frumpylady
62waswaiting.
63sheledusdownthe
64hallandtothe
65door.

66wewalkedalongthe
67street.

68"Iwonderifhe's
69fuckingher?"Frank
70asked.

71IlookedaroundforGod,
72thenanswered,
73"ofcourse,heisn't."

74"butwhatdoeshedo
75whenhegets
76excited?"
77askedFrank.

78"heprobablyprays,"
79Isaid.

80"it'snotthesame
81thing,"saidFrank.

82"hehasGod,"Isaid,
83"hedoesn'tneed
84that."

85"Ithinkhe'sfucking
86her,"saidFrank.

87"ohyeah?"

[Page20]

88"yeah.
89whydon'twegoback
90andaskhim?"

91"yougobackandask
92him,"Isaid."you're
93theonewho's
94curious.

95"I'mafraidto,"
96saidFrank.

97"you'reafraidofGod,"
98Isaid.

99"well,aren'tyou?"
100heasked.

101"sure."

102westoppedthenata
103redlight,waitingfor
104traffic.
105neitherofushadbeen
106toMassfor
107months.
108itwasboring.
109itwasmorefun
110talkingtothe
111priest.

112thelightchangedand
113wecrossed
114over.

[Page21]

notnormal

1whenIwasingrammarschool
2ourteachertoldusastory
3aboutasailor
4whotoldthecaptain,
5"theflag?IhopethatInever
6seetheflagagain!"
7"verywell,"hewastold,
8"youwillgetyour
9wish!"
10andtheyputhiminthe
11holdofthesailingship
12andkepthimthere,
13sendingdownhis
14food
15andhedieddownthere
16withouteverseeingthe
17flagagain.

18itwasarealhorror
19storyfortheotherchildren,
20very
21effective.
22butitwasn'tquite
23aseffectivewith
24me.
25Isattherethinking,
26well,it'stoobad
27aboutnotseeingthe
28flag
29butthebestpartwas
30nothavingtoseethe
31otherpeople.

32Ididn'traisemyhandto
33sayanythingaboutthat,
34though.
35thatwouldmeanthat
36Ididn'twanttoseethem

[Page22]

37either.
38whichwastrue.

39Ilookedstraightforward
40attheblackboard
41whichlookedfarbetter
42than
43anyof
44them.

[Page23]

classical

1ourEnglishteacherinJr.High,
2Mrs.Gredis,didn'tsitbehind
3herdesk,shekeptthefront
4deskemptyandshesaton
5thetopofthefrontdesk
6andcrossedherlegshighand
7wesawthoselongsilken
8legs,thosemagicalflanks,
9thatshiningwarmfleshasshe
10twistedheranklesandre
11crossedherlegswiththose
12blackhighheeledshoesand
13spokeofHawthorneand
14MelvilleandPoeandothers.
15weboysdidn'thearaword
16butEnglishwasourfavorite
17subjectandweneverspoke
18badlyofMrs.Gredis,wedidn't
19evendiscussheramongour
20selves,wejustsatinthat
21classandlookedatMrs.Gredis
22andweknewthatourmothers
23werenotlikethatorthegirls
24intheclasswerenotlikethat
25oreventhewomenwesaw
26onthestreetwerenotlikethat.
27nobodywaslikeMrs.Gredis
28andMrs.Gredisknewthattoo,
29sittingthereonthatfrontdesk,
30perchedinfrontof20fourteen
31yearoldboyswhowouldnever
32forgether
33throughthewarsandtheyears,
34neveraladylikethat
35watchingusasshetalked,
36watchinguslookingather,
37therewaslaughterinhereyes,
38shesmiledatus,

[Page24]

39crossedandrecrossedherlegs
40againandagain,
41theskirtslipping,inching
42delicatelyhigherandhigher
43asshespokeofHawthorneand
44PoeandMelvilleandmore
45untilthebellrang
46endingtheclass,
47thefastesthourofourday.
48thankyou,Mrs.Gredis,forthat
49mostmarvelous
50education,youmadelearning
51morethan
52easy,thankyou,Mrs.
53Gredis,thank
54you.

[Page25]
thepukinglady

1wewerearound14,Baldy
2Normanandmyself.
3weweresittingintheneighborhood
4parkaroundtenp.m.
5drinkingstolenbeer.

6thenwesawacardriveuptothe
7curb.
8thedooropenedandalady
9leanedoutandvomitedinto
10thestreet.
11shecutlooseagood
12load.
13shesatawhile.
14thenshegotoutofher
15car
16andwalkedintothe
17park.
18sheweaveda
19bit.

20"she'sdrunk,"said
21Norman,"let'sfuck
22her!"

23"o.k.,"Isaid.

24"o.k.,"saidBaldy.

25shewasmoving
26throughthepark
27walkingalong
28unsteadily.
29shewas
30heavybut
31young,
32goodbreasts,
33nicelegs,

[Page26]

34shewobbledon
35herhighheels.

36"I'llgether
37good,"saidBaldy.
38"I'llgethergood!"
39saidNorman.

40thenshesawus
41sittingonthe
42bench.

43"oh,"shesaid.

44shemovedcloser,
45staring.

46"oh,you'rejustnice
47youngboys..."

48wedidn'tlikethat.

49"howaboutadrink,
50baby?"Norman
51asked.

52"ohno,I'vehad
53toomuchtodrink,
54Ifeelawful,I've
55hadafightwithmy
56boyfriend..."

57shestoodweaving
58inthemoonlight.

59"what'shegotIdon't
60have?"asked
61Norman.

[Page27]

62"don'tgetfresh!"

63"comehere,baby,
64IgotsomethingIwant
65toshowyou,"
66saidBaldy.

67"I'mleaving,"she
68saidandbegan
69walkingoff.
70Baldyjumpedup
71(hewashalfdrunk)
72andfollowed
73her.

74"Igotsomething
75foryou,baby!"

76theladybegan
77running.
78Baldyranafter
79her.

80whenheattempted
81totackleher,
82hemissed,bounced
83offherlarge
84buttocksandfell
85tothe
86grass.

87theladyranto
88hercar,
89starteditand
90gunnedoffdown
91thestreet.

92Baldycamewalking
93backtoward

[Page28]

94us.

95"shit,thatwhore!"

96hesatdownwithus
97onthebench,
98pickeduphisbeer
99canandhada
100mightyslug.

101"shewantedit,
102shewantedit
103bad,"hesaid.

104"you'vegotguts,
105Baldy,"Isaid.
106"thinkshe'llcome
107back?"Norman
108asked.

109"sure,"saidBaldy,
110"shewantsthis
111turkeyneckI
112got."

113Idon'tthinkanyof
114usthoughtshewould
115beback
116butwesatthere
117drinkingthebeer
118and
119waiting.

120wewereall
121virgins.
122butwefeltvery
123powerfulthen,
124sittingtheresmoking
125cigarettes,

[Page29]

126emptyingcansof
127beer.

128laterwewouldall
129gohomeand
130masturbate,
131thinkingaboutthat
132womaninthe
133park,
134kissingthatwhiskeymouth,
135herlegshighinthe
136moonlight,
137theparkfountain
138spewingits
139water
140asourparents
141sleptintheother
142bedroom,
143tiredofit
144all.
[Page30]

depressionkid

1IneverhadmoneybutIdidhavea
2bike
3andtherewaslittletodointhe
4summerbutridemybiketothe
5beachandback.
6itwasabloodyasshaulfromL.A.to
7Venice
8buttherewasnothingelse.
9onething,itreallybuiltupmy
10legs.
11Iwas14yearsoldandIhadthe
12mostpowerfullegsinthe
13Southland,maybe.

14thethingthatmadethe
15ridemoreexcitingwasto
16attempttoshortenthetime
17ittooktomakethe
18trip.
19eachtimeIbrokemyown
20recordI'dgoforanew
21one.

22Ipedaledfasterand
23faster.
24andthatwasallright
25exceptonesunnydaywhile
26Iwasreallypumping
27along
28thisguyina
29redsportscar
30screamedatme,
31"Hey,kid,watchwhere
32thefuckyou'regoing!"
33Ilookedoverandthere
34wasthisoldguyinalate
35modelcar,
36smokingacigar

[Page31]

37andhehadayoung
38blondewithhim.
39herlonghairwasblowing
40inthewind.

41"Upyourass!"Iyelled
42back.

43heslowedhiscardown
44asIpumpedalongside.
45helookedoveratme
46andsaid,"Wouldyou
47mindrepeating
48that?"

49Irepeatedthat.
50thegirlwithherhair
51blowinginthewind
52lookedathimand
53laughed.

54"I'vegotagoodmindto
55park
56andbeatthecrap
57outofyou!"

58"Parkit!
59Parkit!"
60Iyelled.

61heroaredahead
62andparkedatthe
63curb.
64Iparkedmybike
65andwalkedtoward
66him.
67Ihadnofear.
68Ifeltgreat.

[Page32]

69Iwalkeduptothecar.
70helookedatme
71fromthecar.
72hedidn'tget
73out.
74theyounggirlwas
75sayingsomething
76tohim.
77suddenlyhe
78startedthecar
79andpulled
80away.

81hetookarightat
82thecorner.
83Iwalkedbacktomy
84bike.
85Igotonandstarted
86pedaling.

87thenhewasback.
88he'dcircledtheblock.
89Isawhisfaceashelooked
90atme.
91I'dseldomseensuch
92hatred.

93thenhewasgone
94downtheboulevard
95outofsightwithhisyoung
96girl.

97Ipedaledalong.
98Iwasnolongerinahurry.

99tohellwiththerecord.
100Ihadcalledtheguy's
101cardand
102thegirlwiththelong
103hairwasthinkingof

[Page33]

104me.

105Ihadbecomea
106man.

[Page34]

burlesque

1Jimmy,BillandIwentevery
2Sunday.
3theplacewasonMainStreet
4withphotosofthegirlsposted
5outside.
6thegirlsweren'talwaysthe
7same.
8sometimesoneofthem
9wouldleave.
10thenyou'dseeagirlwho
11hadbeeninthechorus
12line,
13she'dbeupthere
14stripping.
15oryou'dseeagirlwho
16hadbeenstripping
17andshe'dbebackinthe
18chorusline,
19ayoungerstripperhaving
20replacedher.
21therewassomethingsad
22aboutitall.
23anditgotworse
24duringtheshow,
25someof
26theoldguysjerking
27off.
28theyoungguysnever
29jerkedoff,
30itwasalwaystheold
31guys,
32mostofthemsatin
33thefirstrow
34whichwascalled
35"Baldheaded
36Row."

37Ilikedthecomedian

[Page35]

38best,hewasdressedin
39floppyclothes,suspenders,
40bigshoes,
41felthatturnedupinfront
42andback.
43hewasreallygood,
44welaughedathisjokes
45andantics.

46themostbeautifulstripperalways
47cameonlast.
48andonceinawhile
49shewouldshow
50everything.
51sometimestheshowwas
52raided.
53(wewereneverthere
54whenitwasraided)
55butwhenthetheatrewasraided
56italwaysopenedupagaina
57weeklaterwiththesame
58strippers.

59wewerethereonetimewhen
60themostbeautifulstrippershowed
61everything.
62wecouldn'tbelieve
63it.

64"didyouseeit?"

65"Isawit!"

66"Isawittoo!"

67wewalkedoutintothe
68streetin
69disbelief.

70"I'llbettheyclosethe

[Page36]

71placedown!"

72"maybetherewasn'ta
73vicecopinthe
74audience.
75sometimes
76themanager
77knowsthisand
78hetellsthestripper
79it'ssafe
80andthen
81sheshowsher
82pussy."

83"thenhowcomethey
84sometimes
85getcaught?"
86"that'sbecausesometimes
87there'sanewvicesquadguythere
88theydon'tknow."

89"theyoughttoletwomen
90showtheirpussies,
91whatharmdoesit
92do?"

93"thechurchisagainst
94it."

95"fuckthechurch."

96wewalkedalong
97MainStreet
98asyoungaswewere
99evergoingto
100get.

[Page37]

firstlove

1atonetime
2whenIwas16
3afewwritersgaveme
4myonlyhopeand
5chance.

6myfatherdisliked
7booksand
8mymotherdisliked
9books(becausemyfather
10dislikedbooks)
11especiallythoseIbroughtback
12fromthelibrary:
13D.H.Lawrence
14Dostoevsky
15Turgenev
16Gorky
17A.Huxley
18SinclairLewis
19others.

20Ihadmyownbedroom
21butat8p.m.
22wewereallsupposedtogotosleep:
23"Earlytobedandearlytorise
24makesamanhealthy,wealthyandwise,"
25myfatherwouldsay.

26"LIGHTSOUT!"hewouldshout.

27thenIwouldtakethebedlamp
28placeitunderthecovers
29andwiththeheatandhiddenlight
30Iwouldcontinuetoread:
31Ibsen
32Shakespeare
33Chekov
34Jeffers

[Page38]

35Thurber
36ConradAiken
37others.

38theygavemeachanceandsomehope
39inaplaceofnochance
40nohope,nofeeling.

41Iworkedforit.
42itgothotunderthecovers.
43sometimesthesheetswouldbegintosmoke
44thenI'dswitchthelampoff,
45holditoutsideto
46cooloff.

47withoutthosebooks
48I'mnotquitesure
49howIwouldhaveturned
50out:
51raving;the
52murdererofthefather;
53idiocy;
54hopelessness.

55whenmyfathershouted
56"LIGHTSOUT!"
57I'msurehefeared
58thewellwrittenword
59immortalized
60forever
61inourbestand
62mostinteresting
63literature.

64anditwasthere
65forme
66closetome
67underthecovers
68morewomanthanwoman
69moremanthanman.

[Page39]

70Ihaditall
71and
72Itookit.

[Page40]

mountain

1inhighschooltheclasseswerearranged
alphabeticallyandBurns
2wasalwaysseatedbehindme.
3Burns:largestladintheclassof'39butallofit
was
4fat.
5hewasagrossfatfart.

6hewasthereonmyneck,myback.
7Icouldhearhiswheezing.
8Icouldhearhimshiftinghisfleshabout.

9itwashell.
10andworstofallthedumbfuckthoughthewas
11clever.
12alwaysuptosometrick.
13liketappingmeontheback,handingmeanote,
14whispering,"it'sfromMaryLou...shesaidtopass
it
15toyou..."

16"bigboy,"saidthenote,"Iwanttobewithyouso
bad!Ican't
17takemyeyesoffyou!"

18thenhe'dpokemeintheback,"hey,hey,shewants
you!"
19I'dignorehim.

20"hey,Hank,whatdidthepriestsaywhenhesaw
birdshitin
21hispopcorn?"

22"hey,Hank..."

23ontopofthathehadbodyodor.
24healwaysworethesameheavygreensweater,
25evenonthehottestday.

26aftereachclasshe'dattempttoexitwithme,follow
me
27downthehall.

28"hey,Hank,waitaminute..."

[Page41]

29hewasslow,hehadhugefeetinsquaretoedblack
30shoes.theyoftenbangedtogetherandhe'd
31stumbleashewalked.

32hewaslonelybutsomehowIcouldn'tembracehis
loneliness,
33hemademefeelphysicallyandmentally
34ill.

35Ihadhimhangingonmyneckfortwoyears.

36thenonedayhepokedmeintheback:"hey,thisone's

37fromCaroline..."

38Iopenedthenote:
39"Henry,youaretheyummyyummymanofmy
40dreams!"

41Iturnedinmyseatandlookedathim.
42heworeroundglasseswiththickrims.
43hisredwetlipsweretwistedintoanasinine
44grin.

45Isaid,"listen,Burns,ifyouevertouchmeor
46speaktomeorevenlookatmeagain,IpromiseIam
47goingtokillyou!"
48Mrs.Anderson,theEnglishteacherthensaidfor
49alltohear,"Mr.Chinaski,I'llseeyouafterclass."

50afterwardsshelookedupatmefromher
51desk.

52"I'vewatchedthathorseplayalltermlong.whatdo
you
53havetosayaboutit?"

54Ididn'tanswer.

55"Mr.Chinaski,Iamgoingtogiveyouan'F'in
English."

56"allright..."

[Page42]

57"youcangonow."

58Ididn'tattendEnglishclassafterthatbutIsaw
Burnsin
59myotherclassesandsincehedidn'ttouchmeor
60speaktomeandsinceIneversawhimlookatme,I
61didn'thavetokillhim.

62allIcontinuedtohearwashiswheezing.

63andworse,IbegantofeelguiltyasifIhad
committeda
64hideous
65wrong.

66IfeltasifIhadlockedhimupinsometerribleway,
insome
67darkandlonelyplace.

68butIlefthimthere,alone.

69atmyback,onmyneck.

70ClassofSummer
71'39.

[Page43]

fieldexercises
1iswhattheycalledtheminthe
2R.O.T.C.
3inthehillsandfieldsonthe
4hottestsummerdays,
5theRedsvs.Blues,
6wehadriflesbutnobullets
7andtheofficershadwoodensabers
8andwe'drunforwardand
9diveonourbellies,
10takecoverbehindbrush
11whilethegeneralstoodonthe
12hill,
13hewouldbethefinal
14judgeastowho
15won.
16theywereteachingus
17howtokilleach
18other.
19butthefunniestthingwas
20whentheopposingsides
21happenedtocomeupon
22oneanother
23unexpectedly,
24theRedsandtheBlues
25(whattoldusapartwere
26thecoloredribbonson
27ourrifles).
28butIhadlongago
29tornmineoff,
30andweclosedin
31uponeachother,got
32excited,
33beganusingrifle
34butts
35andtheofficersswung
36theirsabersabout
37eachclaimingvictory
38andtherewerebloody

[Page44]

39noses,fracturedskulls.
40onebrokenarm
41andIsatundera
42treewatchingit
43all
44ashighonthe
45hill
46thegeneralstood
47lookingthroughhis
48dusty
49binoculars.
50hewassenile
51anddrooled
52littlegobletsoutof
53eachsideofhis
54mouth.

55LosAngeles,Calif.,
56summer1938.
57Saturday.
58deathhadalittle
59blackmoustache
60andhewaitedfor
61us
62andmanyofus
63went.

[Page45]

whatwilltheneighborsthink?

1Ithinkthatwasthequestionaskedmostofme
2bymyparents.
3ofcourse,Ididn'treallycarewhatthe
4neighborsthought.
5Ifeltsorryfortheneighbors,thosefrightened
6peoplepeekingfrombehindtheir
7curtains.
8thewholeneighborhoodwaswatching
9itself
10andinthe1930stherewasn'tmuchelseto
11watch.
12exceptmecomingindrunklateat
13night.

14"thisisgoingtokillyourmother,"
15myfathertoldme,
16"andbesideswhatwillthe
17neighborsthink?"

18me,IthoughtIwasdoingverywell.
19onewayortheother
20Imanagedtogetdrunk
21withouthavingany
22moneyatall.
23atrickthatwouldstandmeingood
24stead
25laterinmylife.

26tomakethingsworseformypoor
27parents
28Ibegantowriteletterstothe
29editorofoneofthelarge
30newspapers,
31mostofwhichwerepublished
32andallofwhich
33backedunpopularcauses.

34"whatwilltheneighborsthink?"

[Page46]

35myparentsasked
36me.

37butthelettersbroughtinteresting
38resultshateletters,including
39deaththreatsthroughthe
40mails.
41italsobroughtmeintocontact
42withsomeweird
43peoplewhobelievedthatI
44meantwhatIhadwrittenin
45thoseletters.

46thereweresecretmeetings
47incellarsandattics,
48therewereguns,pacts,
49plans,
50speeches.
51thosewerealso
52placeswhereIscroungedup
53freedrinks.
54mostofthesemeetings
55wereattendedbyrightwingers,
56youngguysbetweentheages
57of17and23.
58"wedon'twantblacksfucking
59ourwomen!
60theymustdie!"
61unfortunately
62Iwasn'tfuckingany
63womenmyself.
64allthemeetingsbeganbystanding
65andsalutingthe
66flag
67whichIconsideredpretty
68damned
69juvenile.
70butmostoftheseyoungmen
71werefromwelltodo
72families

[Page47]

73andIdrankwithsomeof
74themafterwards.
75IdrankasmuchasIcould
76astheyranted
77on.
78Ineversaidanything
79buttheydidn'tseemtomind.
80theyrememberedtheletters
81andhadnoideathatthey
82werefalse.
83notthatIwasadecent
84humanbeing
85butIwasn'taligned
86withanygroupor
87ideology.
88actuallythewholeideaof
89lifeandpeople
90repulsedme
91butitwaseasierto
92scroungedrinksoffthe
93rightwingers
94thanoffoldwomen
95inthebars.

96"Idon'tbelievethatyou
97areasonofmine,"
98myfathertoldme.

99"whatwilltheneighbors
100think?"mymother
101asked.

102poordamnedpatriotic
103deludedfools.
104aftertheythrewmeout
105ofthehouse
106Igaveup
107themeetings
108andwentandlivedbymyselfina

[Page48]

109plywoodshackon
110BunkerHill.

111andmyparentsnolonger
112hadtoworryabout
113whatthe
114neighborsthought.

[Page49]

fullcircle

1Sanfordlikedtoplaydirty
2trickslikepissinmilkbottles,
3burnthelegsoffofspiders,torture
4cats,putwateringastanks,etc.

5hewasfullofdirty
6tricks.

7wegrewuptogether.

8whenWorldWarIIarrivedhewentintothe
9airforce.

10"theflyboysgetallthepussy,"he
11toldme.

12onhissecondmissionovertheEnglish
13Channelthey
14blastedhisassoutofthe
15sky.

16theyneverfoundhim.

17onemoredirtytrickinadirtytrick
18world.

[Page51]
2
thestreetswereallIsaw

[Page53]

aplaceinPhilly

1there'snothinglikebeingyoung
2andstarving,
3livinginaroominghouseand
4pretendingtobea
5writer
6whileothermenareoccupied
7withtheirprofessionsand
8theirpossessions.
9there'snothinglikebeing
10youngand
11starving,
12listeningtoBrahms,
13yourbellysuckedin,
14naryanounceof
15fat,
16stretchedoutonthebed
17inthedark,
18smokingarolled
19cigarette
20andworkingonthe
21lastbottleof
22wine,
23thesheetsofyour
24writingstrewnacrossthe
25floor.
26youhavewalkedonandacross
27them,
28yourmasterpieces,and
29either
30they'llbereadin
31hell,
32orperhaps
33gnawedatbythe
34curious
35mice.
36Brahmsistheonly
37friendyouhave,
38theonlyfriendyou

[Page54]
39want,
40himandthewine
41bottle,
42asyourealizethat
43youwillnever
44beacitizenofthe
45world,
46andifyou
47livetobevery
48old
49youstillwillnever
50beacitizenofthe
51world.
52thewineand
53Brahmsmixwellas
54youwatchthe
55lights
56moveacrossthe
57ceiling,
58courtesyof
59passing
60automobiles.
61soonyou'llsleep
62and
63tomorrowthere
64certainly
65willbe
66more
67masterpieces.

[Page55]

theKenyonReviewandothermatters

1itwasgoodbeingyoungbutIdidn'tknowit,a
starving
2jackass,stubbornbeyondreason,readingthat
3towerofpracticedliteraryhorror,theKenyon
Review.
4somehowIadmiredtheirgamesmanship,theirsnobby
word
5play,theirinbreddocility.
6Iwaslowerclass,depraved,aspectacle,adissolute

7slave
8yetIwasoddlycharmedbytheirpettyjousting,
their
9safeanger,theirshieldoflearnedness;
10toreadthisjournalandothersandthenreturntomy
small
11roomorthebarsofnight(mostoftenthat)tomeet
12anotherbreedclubfisted,blearyeyed,
cantankerous,
13grubby,andjoiningthemintheirdownwarddance.
14drinktemperedourdefeat,itwarmedus,itheatedus.

15ouronlychallengewasourselves,noonewouldhave
16anythingtodowithus.
17ralliedandmaddenedbydrink,Itestedtheseinthe
18alleys,thesebulls,thesebears,thesedumbbastards,

19andtheyweregoodatwarandIwasnotsobad.
20itwasadoing,agoingon,nothingelse.
21ourspacewassmallandabitunkind.

22thenextdaytoreturntothelibrarywithashuteye,

23aswollenlip,skinnedfingers,awristthathurtand
24flamedlikehell.

25toturnmorepages,tofindthemthinnerandthinner,
less
26andless,likegossamerwingsthatwouldnothold
27stronglight,Iwascaughtbetweennowhereand
nowhere,I
28satatthatlibrarytablecaughtbetweensuicideand
29acquiescence
30Iwasnolongeryoung;Iwasolderthanthecenturies.

31Iclosedthelastbook,thelastmagazinethen.

32Iwalkedoutofthere.

[Page56]

33thestreetswereallIsaw.

34Iwalkedinto
35them.

[Page57]

bignightonthetown

1drunkonthedarkstreetsofsomecity,
2it'snight,you'relost,where'syour
3room?
4youenterabartofindyourself,
5orderscotchandwater.
6damnedbar'ssloppywet,itsoaks
7oneofyourshirt
8sleeves.
9it'saclipjointthescotchisweak.
10youorderabottleofbeer.
11MadameDeathwalksuptoyou
12wearingadress.
13shesitsdown,youbuyhera
14beer,shestinksofswamps,presses
15alegagainstyou.
16thebartendersneers.
17you'vegothimworried,hedoesn't
18knowifyou'reacop,akiller,a
19madmanoran
20idiot.
21youaskforavodka.
22youpourthevodkaintothetopof
23thebeerbottle.
24it'sonea.m.inadeadcowworld.
25youaskherhowmuchforhead,
26drinkeverythingdown,ittastes
27likemachineoil.

28youleaveMadameDeaththere.
29youleavethesneeringbartender
30there.

31youhaverememberedwhere
32yourroomis.
33theroomwiththefullbottleof
34wineonthedresser.
35theroomwiththedanceofthe
36roaches.

[Page58]

37PerfectionintheStars
38wherelovedied

39laughing.

[Page59]

totalmadness
1allright,Iknowthatyouaretiredofhearing
2it
3buthowaboutthisonelasttime?
4allthosetinyroomsinallthosecities,
5goingfromonecitytoanother
6fromonecheaprentedroomtoanother
7terrifiedandsickenedofwhatpeoplewere.
8itwasthesameanyplaceandeveryplace,
9thousandsandthousandsofmilesspent
10lookingoutthewindowofaGreyhoundbus,
11listeningtothemtalk,lookingatthem,
12theirheads,theirears,thewaytheywalked.
13thesewerestrangersfromsomewhereelse,
14lifelessparallelperpendiculars,
15theydrovethebladethroughmygut,
16eventhelovelygirls,
17withguileofeye,withtheliltandmagicof
18theirbodies
19whereonlyadownpaymentona
20mirage,
21life'scheaptrick.

22Iwentfromroomtoroom
23fromcitytocity,
24hiding,looking,waiting...
25forwhat?
26fornothingbutthe
27irresponsibleandnegative
28desire
29toatleast
30notbelike
31them.

32Ilovedthoseoldrooms,
33thewornrugs,
34thewalkdownthehall
35tothebathroom,
36eventheratsandthe

[Page60]

37miceandtheroaches
38werecomrades...

39andalongtheway
40somehowIdiscovered
41theclassicalcomposers.
42Ihadanoldrecordplayer.
43andratherthaneat
44IusedwhatfundsIhad
45forcheapwineand
46recordalbums.
47andIrolledcigarettes,
48smoked,drank,
49listenedtothemusic
50inthedark.
51Irememberoneparticular
52night
53whenWagnerreally
54liftedtheceilingoff
55myroom
56Igotup
57outofbed
58joystricken,
59Istoodthereandlifted
60botharmstowardthe
61ceiling
62andIcaughtsightof
63myselfinthedresser
64mirror
65andtherewasnothingleft
66ofme,
67askeletonofaman,
68downfrom200poundsto
69130,
70withsunken
71cheeks.
72Isawthisdeathskull
73lookingatme
74anditwasso

[Page61]

75ridiculousandsolovely
76thatIstartedtolaugh
77andthethinginthemirror
78laughedback
79anditgot
80funnierandfunnier
81asIliftedmyarms
82highertowardthe
83ceiling.

84andalongwiththoseold
85rooms,
86Iwaslucky,
87Ihadgentleoldlandladies,
88withpicturesof
89Christonthestairways,
90buttheywerealwaysnice
91inspiteofthat.

92"Mr.Chinaski,yourrentis
93overdue,areyouall
94right?"

95"oh,yes,thankyou."

96"Ihearyourmusicplaying,
97nightandday,
98yousitinyourroomnight
99anddaywiththeshades
100pulleddown...
101areyouallright?"

102"I'mawriter."

103"awriter?"

104"yes,Ijustsentsomething
105totheNewYorker
106I'msureI'llbehearingfrom
107themanydaynow."

[Page62]

108somehowifyoutoldthem
109youwereawriter
110theywouldputupwithall
111sortsof
112excuses,
113especiallyifyouwere
114inyourearly
115twenties.
116(lateron,itwasahard
117sell
118asIwasto
119findout.)

120butIlovedthose
121smallroomsinallof
122thosecitieswithall
123ofthoselandladies
124andBrahms
125andSibelius
126andShostakovich
127andIves
128andSirEdwardElgar
129andtheChopinEtudes
130andBorodin
131Beethoven
132Hayden
133Handel
134Moussorgsky,
135etc.

136now,somehow,after
137decadesof
138thoserooms
139andhalfassedbarren
140jobs
141andaftertossingout
142literally40or50
143poundsofrejected
144manuscripts
145Istillreturntoa

[Page63]

146smallroom,
147here,
148torecounttoyou
149oncemore
150thewonderof
151mymadness
152then.

153thedifferencenow
154being
155thatwhilemywritinghasn't
156changedthatmuch,
157myluck
158has.

159and
160itwasinthoserooms
161inthehalflightof
162some4a.m.
163ashrunkenmanonthe
164shelfofnowhere
165wasyoungenoughto
166then
167remainyoung
168forever.

169roomsof
170glory.

[Page64]

onthebum

1movingfromcitytocity
2Ialwayshadtwopairsof
3shoes,
4mylookingforwork
5shoesandmyworking
6shoes.

7myworkshoeswere
8heavyandblack
9andstiff.
10sometimeswhenI
11firstputthemon
12theywerevery
13painful,
14thetoe
15hardenedand
16twisted
17butI'dgetthem
18on
19onahangover
20morning,
21thinking,well,
22herewego
23again
24workingfor
25miserablewages
26andexpectedto
27begrateful
28forthat
29(havingbeenchosen
30fromascoreof
31applicants).
32itwasprobablymy
33uglyand
34honest
35face.
36puttingon

[Page65]

37thoseshoes
38again
39wasalways
40anotherhard
41beginning.

42I
43imaginedmyself
44somehow
45escaping
46itall.
47makingitatthe
48gamingtable
49orinthe
50ring
51orinthebed
52ofsomerich
53lady.

54maybeIgot
55thatnotionfrom
56livingtoolongin
57LosAngeles,
58aplacefartoo
59closeto
60Hollywood.

61butgoingdown
62thoseroominghouse
63steps
64witheachnew
65beginning,
66thestiffshoes
67murderingmy
68feet,
69steppingoutinto
70theearly
71sun,
72thesidewalk
73there,

[Page66]

74thecity
75there
76andIwasjustone
77more
78commonlaborer,
79onemore
80common
81man,
82theuniverse
83slidingthrough
84myhead
85andoutmy
86ears,
87thetimecardwaiting
88tocheckmein
89andout,
90andafterwards
91somethingto
92drinkandthe
93ladiesfrom
94hell.

95workshoes
96workshoes
97workshoes
98andme
99insideof
100themwith
101allthelights
102turned
103out.

[Page67]

societyshouldrealize...

1youconsultpsychiatristsandphilosophers
2whenthingsaren'tgoingwell
3andwhoreswhentheyare.
4thewhoresarethereforyoungboysandold
5men;totheyoungboystheysay,
6"don'tbefrightened,honey,hereI'llputit
7inforyou."
8andfortheoldguys
9theyputonanact
10likeyou'rereallyhookingithome.
11societyshouldrealizethevalueofthe
12whoreImean,thosegirlswhoreallyenjoytheir
13workthosewhomakeitalmostan
14artform.

15I'mthinkingofthetime
16inaMexicanwhorehouse
17thisgalwithherlittlebowlandherrag
18washingmydick,
19anditgothardandshelaughedandI
20laughedandshe
21kissedit,gentlyandslowly,thenshewalkedoverand

22spreadout
23onthebed
24andIgotonandweworkedeasily,noeffort,no
25tension,andsomeguybeatonthedoorand
26yelled,
27"Hey!whatthehell'sgoingoninthere?
28Hurryitup!"
29butitwaslikeaMahlersymphonyyoujustdon't
30rush
31it.

32whenIfinishedandshecameback,therewas
33thebowlandtheragagain
34andwebothlaughed;thenshekissedit
35gentlyand
36slowly,andIgotupandputmyclothesbackonand

[Page68]

37walkedout
38"Jesus,buddy,whatthehellwereyadoin'in
39there?"
40"Fuckin',"Itoldthegentleman
41andwalkeddownthehallanddownthestepsandstood
42outsideintheroadandlitoneofthose
43sweetMexicancigarettesinthemoonlight.
44liberatedandhumanagain
45foramere$3,I
46lovedthenight,Mexicoand
47myself.

[Page69]

madman

1while
2being
3checkedintotheL.A.Cityjail(I
4wasstillabitdrunk)
5therewasacrowdofprisonerswaitingand
6nobodynoticedmesmokingacigarette
7untilsomeashdroppedofftheend
8thenacopscreamedatmeabouthow
9"wekeptthisfuckingplaceCLEAN!"
10"oh,"Isaid,andthenthecopsaid,
11"wisefucker,huh?...O.K.,nowyou
12getit!"
13andhepushedmeintoabackroomand
14lockedthedoorbehind
15me.
16therebehindathickyellowfloortoceiling
17wirescreenwasthistotal
18madman
19hesawmeandscreamed
20ranviolentlytowardme
21smashedintothewirescreen
22bouncedback
23rushedthewireagain
24grabbingit
25shakingit
26wantingtogetthroughit
27tryingtogetatme
28tryingtokillme

29itwasfrightening
30butIwasdrunk
31foundanothercigarette
32litittrembling
33pusheditthroughthewire
34expectingtogetmyhandripped
35off
36hetookthesmoke
37putittohislips

[Page70]

38inhaled
39exhaled

40Ilitup
41also
42andwestoodtheretogether
43smoking.

44that'sthewaythecop
45foundus
46whenheopenedthedoor
47behind
48me.

49"sonofabitch,"hesaid,"that's
50beautiful,IwishIcouldlet
51yougoforthat."

52"Iwishyoucouldtoo,"
53Itoldhim.

54"comeon,"he
55said.

56aswewalkedoutthedoor
57themadmangrabbedthewireagainand
58screamed
59screamed
60screamed
61herattledandbangedthe
62wire
63thatthickwire
64withtheyellowpaintflakingoff
65revealingthe
66palegreypaint
67underneath.

[Page71]

nazi

1suicide
2ina
3winohotel

4turnhimonhis
5back

6findthefront
7ofhim

8chest
9arms

10sailingships
11snakes
12girls
13andevensuch
14wordsas
15love
16Annie,wordssuchas
17Mother

18andthesecrettattoo
19ontheneck
20thatonlyjailbirds
21know

22he'spickedcotton
23rodethefreights
24workedthetrackgangs
25maybekilledsomebody

26suicideina
27winohotel:
28nowhe'skilled
29somebody

[Page72]

30turnhimonhis
31back

32findthefront
33ofhim

34tearsofthemountains
35printsofthelonelyfox

36God'smark
37likeaswastika

[Page73]

16Japmachinegunbullets

1Norman
2Jimmy
3MaxkilledinWorldWarII
4whileIhidinoldroominghouses
5inPhiladelphiaandSan
6Francisco
7listeningto
8MozartandBach.
9othersfareddifferently:
10withGeorgeitwasabad
11liver.Dalediedofmisled
12ambition.Nickwentthecommonhardwayof
13cancer.
14Harryofa
15wifeand5beautifulchildren.

16Jimmyhaditright
17tryingtobringthatbomberbackto
18Englandwiththemotorsshot
19out.Normanhadit
20right
21taking3hourstodiefrom
2216Japmachinegunbullets.

23nowwe'veallgotitquiteright
24sittingaroundreadingthe
25comicstrips
26drinkingwarmwineand
27rollingsmokes.
28at6intheeveningwecharmourbloodand
29ourmanner
30aswewalkourfacesthroughthe
31spiderwebs.

32we'vegotitright
33we'vegotitright
34theravenandthewaves

[Page74]

35thetiredsunsetsandthetired
36people
37ittakesalifetimetodieand
38notimeat
39all.

[Page75]

barstool

1eachdayandeachnightwere
2aboutthesame.
3thebartenderletmeinat
45a.m.
5Ihadtolistentohisstories
6ashemoppedtheplaceup
7andgotthings
8ready
9butthedrinkswerefree
10until7a.m.whenthebar
11opened.

12the7a.m.crowdwasa
13goodone,
14Icouldusuallyworkthem
15forsomedrinks
16butby8:15a.m.therewere
17fewpatronsleft.
18Ihadtonursemydrinks
19andwait.

20IusedthefewcoinsIhad
21tokeepthedrinksslowly
22arriving.
23thepainfultimecame
24whenIranoutof
25coin.
26thetrickwastonever
27emptyyourglass.
28itwasarule:aslongas
29youhadsomethingin
30yourglassyou
31stayed.

32sometimesthetime
33reallybludgeoned
34me
35andmydamned

[Page76]

36tonguewashanging
37outtoo.

38atnoonafew
39morewoulddriftin,
40theyallknew
41me.
42Iputonagood
43latenight
44show
45wildsentencesof
46gibberish,
47fistfights,
48evenafew
49profound
50statements,
51andthetimes
52Ihadmoney
53Iboughtfor
54everybody.
55Iwasthenut.
56thegoodguy.
57thebad
58guy.
59butinthedaylight
60hoursIhad
61nozip.
62thosewerethe
63hardhours.
64Ihadtomilk
65thosedrabsuckers
66for
67drinks.
68onewayortheother
69Igotthem,
70ranerrands,
71gotalittle
72coin.

73astheafternoon

[Page77]

74wenttoward
75evening
76thingsbeganto
77getbetter,
78Igotdrunker,
79moreinventive,
80moreinteresting,
81itgotintoparty
82time,
83goodluck
84time.

85andthenights
86weregreat.
87drinksarrived
88beforeme
89andIhadno
90ideawherethey
91had
92come
93from.

94sometimesthe
95nightsandthedays
96gotmixedup.
97Iseemedtobe
98sittingindaylight
99andthenitwas
100darkallatonce,
101oritworkedthe
102otherwayaround,
103itwasdark
104andinthenext
105moment
106itwasdaylight.

107Ionceaskedthe
108bartender,"hey,
109Jim,didyounotice
110thatitwasdark

[Page78]

111andnowthesun
112isshining!
113isn'tthatstrange?"

114"no,"heanswered,
115"youwenttoyour
116roomandthencame
117backagain."

118attimesIresented
119myrole.
120thepatronswere
121hardlyintellectual,
122therewasalifeless
123andsatisfieddeadness
124aboutthem
125andyetIhadto
126dependupontheir
127whims.
128Iwason
129thatbarstoolfor
1303yearsfrom5a.m.
131to2a.m.
132Imusthaveslept
133whileIdrank.
134IbelievethatIwas
135tryingtokillmyself
136withdrinkand
137backalley
138brawls
139butitwasn't
140working.
141mygreatestproblem
142weremytoenails
143whichInever
144cut
145andwhichpained
146meinmy
147shoes.
148buteventually

[Page79]

149theybrokeoff
150orthewhole
151nailwouldfall
152off
153leavingthat
154tenderflesh
155plus
156afewsplit
157lips,
158mangledfingers,
159lumpsonthe
160knee
161fromfalling,
162andthatwasthe
163extentof
164it.

165Iwasevictedfrom
166roomafterroom
167butalwaysmanaged
168tofind
169another.

170itwasasgooda
171lifeasIcould
172ekeout.

173Iwasavoiding
174becomingensnared
175inacommon
176mannerof
177living.
178Itrulybelieved
179thatthiswas
180importanttome
181wheneverything
182elsewas
183not.

184andtheone

[Page80]

185stoolwas
186mine.

187theonedown
188attheendof
189the
190bar.

191itwasallthat
192Iowned.
193itwasallthat
194Ineeded.

195therewasno
196otherman
197Ipreferredtobe
198orno
199otherwaythat
200Ipreferred.

201Iwasatthe
202peakofmy
203courage,
204sittingthere
205waitingfor
206thatnext
207drink.
208doyousee
209whatI
210mean?

[Page81]
themirrorgame

1Peterwasafreak,Peterwasfat,Peter
2wasdumb,Peterwasclumsy,Peterstuttered
3andPeterstumbledandthegirlsgiggledat
4Peterandtheboystauntedhim,andPeter
5wasoftenkeptafterschoolandPeter'sglasses
6alwaysfelloffandhisshoe
7laceswereuntiedandhisshirttailhung
8outandhisclothingwasunlikeanything
9we'deverseenandPeteralwayssat
10inabackseatinclasswithsnotrunning
11fromhisnose.

12thatwasthen.thatwasgrammarschooland
13juniorhigh,andtimewent
14onand
15now
16Peterneverdriveshisexpensivecarmorethan
17oneyearandhealwayshasanewand
18beautifulgirlfriendandhenolongerwears
19glassesandhehasthinneddown,looksal
20mosthandsomebutcertainlyassured,he
21hasahomeinMexicoandahomeinHolly
22wood.
23Peterdealsinartworkandthestock
24market,hespeaksthreelanguages,hasa
25yachtandaprivateplaneandhealso
26sometimesproducesmovies.

27thosewhoknewhimthendon'tknowhim
28now.
29something
30happened,whatthehell
31wasit?

32andmostofthegoldenboysofyore
33whoarestillaroundnow
34aremisshapen,beaten,inglorious,
35idiotic,homeless,senileor

[Page82]

36dying.

37itseldomworksthewaywethinkit
38works.
39infact,itnever
40does.

[Page83]

liar,liar,pantsonfire!

1bunchofguyssittingtheredrinkingandLouie
2startedin,saidhewasinthisbedroom
3workingoutwhenthewomanunderhimsaid,
4"It'smyhusband!Ihearhiskeyinthefront
5door!"
6Louiejumpedup,therewasonlyoneway
7out,throughthebathroomwindow,itwas
8twofloorsupbuthewentforitanyhow,
9leavinghispants,hisshirt,shoes,everything
there,
10heclimbedoutthewindow,assnaked,and
11lethimselfdownbythedrainpipe.
12threequartersofthewaydownhefelltothe
13ground,gotupwithasprainedandtwisted
14ankleandhobbledtohiscar
15whichwasparkedinbackanddroveoff
16witharoar,awayintothenighttotally
17nakedbutstillalive!

18theguyslaughed,"Man,Louie,yougot
19awaywithit!"

20thewayIsawit,Louiecouldn'thave
21startedhiscarwithouthis
22pantswiththekeysinthem.
23IknewthatIcouldexposehim,but
24whatwasthegood?

25anotherfellowwithabullshit
26storywhileIwasthinkinguponeofmy
27own.

[Page84]

theinspection

1itwasasmalldustytownineastTexas
2fullofwildturkeys.
3Ihadjustmarriedthe
4daughter
5andtheyhadcometoher
6housetoseewhoI
7was.
8alltherelativesandthe
9devilknows
10whoelse.

11nowitwasover
12andIwassittingonthe
13edgeofthebed
14suckingonabeer
15bottle
16andmywifestood
17there.

18"theylikedyou,"
19shesaid.

20"yeah?"

21"theyexpectedsomecity
22boy,not
23you."

24"ah?"

25"youdrankmore
26whiskeythananyof
27them,evenUncle
28Paul,andyou
29didn'teven
30blink."

31"itwasgood

[Page85]

32whiskey."

33"you'reaccepted,"saidmy
34wife."theywon't
35botherus."

36"aretheysupposed
37to?"

38"theyranoffmy
39lastone?..."

40"yourlastone?
41waitaminute
42here..."

43"wewereengaged."

44"anybodyIknow?"

45shelaughed.

46"also,whentheyused
47theword'nigger'you
48didn'tprotest."

49"Ithoughttheywere
50talkingtome.
51hell,baby,I'ma
52nigger."

53Iwalkedtothe
54kitchenandgot
55anotherbeer.
56allthewhiskey
57wasgone.

58whenIgotback
59shewasstanding
60there

[Page86]

61smiling.

62"butyouknow,"
63shesaid,"what
64madethe
65biggesthit?"

66"no,tellme..."

67"itwaswhenyouwalked
68outwearingthosefilthy
69bluejeans!"

70"yeah?"

71"oh,yes!
72theywon'tchaseyouoff
73now!"
74Ihadpassed
75muster.

76theparadecould
77begin.

[Page87]

somewhereinTexas

1sittinginabigranchhousewithagrandmother
2andagrandfather(notmine)andthegrandmother
3tellsmeshehas"terriblemigraines"anddoesn't
4knowwhattodo.
5Iknowshehasonethenandthereasonis
6thatIamsittinginherhouse.
7thegrandfatherasksmeifIwantadrinkandItell
8himyesandhepoursmeawhiskeyand
9water
10andmywifewalksoutandsays,"don'tstarthim
11tooearly,itleadstotrouble."
12Islamthedrinkdown,lookatthegrandfather,ask,
13"howaboutanotherjustlikethatlastone?"
14mywifewalksaway.
15theafternoonwindsdownasIsitdrinkingwithgramps

16andthengrampsfallsasleepinhischairandIhelp
17myselftomore.
18Isitwiththesettingsuninmyeyesanditfeels
19good.
20afterawhileIwalkintotheyardandthere'san
21Indian.
22Isitonthegroundandwatchhimbuilda
23chickencoop.
24afterawhileIaskhim,"wantadrink?"
25hesaysno.
26anofunguy.
27Iwalkbackintothehouse.
28grandpopisstillasleep.
29grandmastillhashermigraine.
30Iwalkthroughthehouse.
31Iwalkbacktothebedroom.
32mywifeisstandingthere.
33"yousonofabitch,"shesays.
34"ofcourse,"Isay.
35Iflopdownonthebed,lookupatthe
36ceiling.
37amongthecracksImakeoutanangel,agoatanda
38lion.

[Page88]

39mywifewalksoutoftheroom.
40IwonderwhattheypaytheIndian.
41notmuch:room,board,apottopiss
42in.
43Idecidetosleep.
44maybelaterthatnightthingswouldlook
45better.

[Page89]

cityboy

1IstoppedinWyomingtodrinkinabar
2inCheyenne.
3maybeIlookedLosAngeles.
4oneguyatthebaraskedanother,
5"youwearin'boots?"
6andtheotherguyanswered,
7"yeah,I'mwearin'boots."
8Iwassittingbetweenthemand
9theytalkedaroundme.
10"Idon'tthinkyou'rewearin'boots,"
11thefirstguysaid.
12"well,Iam,"theotherguyanswered.
13thenitgotquietandtheyjustlookedat
14eachother.

15Itookahitofmybeerbottle,
16setitdown.

17"nobodyaskedme,"Isaid,"but
18I'mgoingtotellyouanyhow.
19I'veneverwornbootsandIhopethatI
20gotomygraveneverwearing
21boots."

22"maybethatcanbearranged,"
23saidthefirstguy.

24"that'spossible,"Isaid,"butwho's
25goingtoarrangeit?"

26"oh,thatwon'tbeanyproblem,"
27saidthefirstguy.

28"it'satleastgoingtocausesomekind
29ofaproblem,don'tyouthink?"Isaid.

30"no,notmuch."

[Page90]

31"well,maybenot,butIamkindof
32curious.who'sgoingtodothe
33arranging?you?"

34"maybe."

35"you'regoingtoletmewonder,
36huh?"

37"yep."

38"well,whileI'mwondering,IthinkI'll
39haveadrinkofwhiskey.
40hey,bartender!"

41thisbigguycameamblingdown.

42"yeah?"

43"willyoupleasepourmeashotof
44whiskeytowonderover?"

45heambledofftogetit.

46itgotquietinthere.

47mywhiskeycameamblingback.

48Islammeditdown.

49"Ikindoflikethistown,"Isaid,"Ithink
50I'llstayawhile."

51"maybe,"saidtheguywhohadbeen
52doingallthetalking.

53"you'refullofmaybies,"Isaid.
54"How'dyougetthatway?"
55"maybeI'mnotgoingtotell

[Page91]

56you."

57thenitwasquietagain,therewere
586or7guysinthat
59bar.

60Itookahitofmybeer.

61thenIlookedattheotherguy
62sittingnexttome.

63"you'renotwearingboots,"
64Itoldhim.

65"didn'tsayIwas."

66thenitgotveryquiet.
67everybodyjustsatthere.

68itstayedquiet.

69"bartender,"Isaidfinally,"aroundofdrinks
70foreverybody."

71theywerealldrinkingbeer.

72thebartenderwentaboutsettingup
73newbeers.
74thenhewasfinished.

75Iputsomebillsonthebar.
76thebartendercamedownand
77tookallofthem.

78hewalkeddowntotheregister,
79hititanddroppedmymoney
80intoit.
81thenhetookaragandmopped
82thebar.

[Page92]

83Igotupandwalkedtothe
84door.
85thenIturnedandlooked.

86thebartenderwasstillmopping
87thebar.
88theotherguysjustsat
89lookingstraightahead.

90Iturnedandwalkedout
91ofthebar.

92nobodysaid
93goodbye.

[Page93]

thestrangemorningoutsidethebar

1ithadneverhappenedbeforeandonedoesn't
2knowhowsuchthingscan
3happen.

4itwasabout11a.m.andIhadstopped
5outsideforsomeair.
6DannywalkedupandIstartedtalking
7toDanny.
8thenHarrywalkedupandjoinedus
9onthecorner.

10thenInoticedtwoothermen
11stopandbegintalking
12toeachotherafewfeetaway.

13"let'sgoinforadrink,"Isaidto
14DannyandHarry.

15"no,it'sniceouthere,"saidDanny,
16"let'sgabawhile."

17sowedid.

18thenInoticedsomemoremen
19arrive.
20someweretalking,others
21juststoodthere.

22ithappenedslowly.

23moreandmoremenarrived
24atthecorner.

25itwasgettingcrowded.

26itwasgettingalmost
27humorous.

[Page94]

28therewassomething
29strangeintheair,
30youcouldfeelit.

31thereweremanyvoices
32now.
33andmoremenarrived.
34Idon'tknowwherethey
35camefrom.

36theystoodaround
37talking,
38laughing,
39andsmoking
40cigarettes.

41Jimthebartenderstuck
42hisheadoutthedoor
43andasked,
44"hey,whatthehell's
45goingonouthere?"

46somebodylaughed.

47Jimwentbackinsideto
48theemptybar.

49Ibegantofeelvery
50strangeaboutitall,
51asiftheworldhad
52decidedtochange,
53allatonce.

54therewasafeelingof
55joyandgamblein
56theair.
57Ibelievethateverybody
58feltit.
59itwasapowerfulenergy

[Page95]

60letlooseandworking
61uponitself.

62thenJackthecop
63walkedup.
64"hey,youguys,
65breakitup!
66whatthehellisall
67this?"

68weallknewJack,
69wedrankwithhim
70atnight.

71soonJackwasstandingthere
72talkingandlistening
73totheothers.

74Dannygrinned,"Jesus,
75thisisverystrange."

76"Ilikeit,"Isaid.

77thewholecornerwas
78crowdedwith
79humanity
80finallycutlooseand
81free,
82laughing.

83carssloweddownandthe
84driverslookedout
85wonderingwhatwas
86happening.
87wedidn't
88know.

89finallyIsaid,
90"Ican'tstandthis
91anymore,I'mgoingin

[Page96]

92foradrink."
93DannyandHarry
94followedme
95in.

96soonafewothers
97followed.

98"lotofguysoutthere,"
99saidthebartender.

100"yeah,"saidHarry,"but
101wherearethe
102women?"

103"thewomendon't
104wantanythingtodo
105withbumslikeus,"
106saidDanny.

107weeachhadacouple
108ofdrinks.
109ittookmaybe15or
11020minutes.

111thenIwenttothe
112doorandlooked
113out.
114everybodywas
115gone.

116Icamebackand
117satdown.

118"wonderwherethey
119went?"

120"strangestmorningof
121mylife,"said

[Page97]

122Danny.

123"yeah,"said
124Harry.

125wesattherethinking
126aboutit.
127thenDannystarted
128talkingabouthowhis
129parentsweregoingto
130throwhimoutfor
131toomuch
132drinking.

133Jimthebartender
134stoodtherepolishing
135glasses
136andthingswereback
137tonormal,
138eventowondering
139whowasgoingto
140buythenext
141round.

[Page98]

a$15boyanda$1500casket

1Wecangetyouaniceboywith
2sopranovoicetosingbehindapurple
3curtainforjust
4$15,andIsay
5allright
6allright,andmyunclesays,
7menlikemahogany,yououghttogethimthe
8mahogany,andIthink,
9doesn'therealizethatthismanisdead?
10allright,Isay.
11themahoganyis$1500.

12adayorsolater
13outsidetheparlor
14gettingacoffee
15Imeetmyfather'sbestfriend
16whotellsmeallhis
17troubles,andIsay,
18look,Bert,hatetointerruptyou,but
19IthinkI'mlate,and
20Irunacrossthestreet
21withBertbehindme,
22andsure,theywerewaitingforme,
23andIsatdownandthey
24began.
25theyhadthelidopenonthecoffin
26andmy$15boybeganto
27sing,butI'dalwayshatedmyfather,
28stilldid,andthentheylinedup
29towalkpasthis
30coffin.Iwasthelast,beingthe
31son.

32Ishouldspitonhisphoneyface,
33Ithought,butthenhisgirlfriend
34whowasrightaheadofme
35startedweeping,moaningand

[Page99]

36liftedthatdeadheadupoutofthecoffin
37andstartedkissingthatdeadhead,
38thosedeadlips.

39well,theoldboyhadfinallyturnedouttobe
40alady'sman.

41Ireallydidn'tcare
42butIreachedoverandpulledtheheadsapart,
43thedeadoneandthelivingone,
44pushedheroff,watchedtheoldman'shead
45flopbackintothecasket,
46notsonicenow,
47therougeandpowdersmeared,
48thecottoninthejawspushedaround,
49linesandageshowing,IknewI'dsoonbedeadtoo
50butwhatahellofawaytodoit,
51a$15boyanda$1500casket
52wheneverybodyknewwhatasonofabitchhe
53hadbeen,
54andwhenIwalkeddownthesteps
55thereshewas
56afterkissingthedeadheadofthatsonofabitch,
57shegrabbedme,kissedme,sobbing
58shetonguedme
59managingtosay,
60youlookjustlikehim,and
61thatmadememad
62andIpushedheroff
63walkeddownthesteps
64drovetoSantaAnita
65metahighyellow
66won$185
67wenttoherplace
68hadsteaksaladwhiskeybeertalk
69wenttobedtogether
70anddidit
71severaltimes

72thatwassomeyearsago

[Page100]

73butnoweverytimeIdrivepastthatstreet
74whereshelived
75IroloStreet

76Ithink,yesthekissingofthedeadhead
77thesleepingwiththehighyellow
78thegooddayatthetrack
79mahoganyunclesbedamned,
80youworkedwithwhatwas
81leftandforgoteverything
82else,whichisthekindestwayfor
83allofus.

[Page101]

rosary

1myfatherwasamanfullofsmall
2sayings:

3"earlytobedandearlyto
4rise..."

5"afoolandhismoney..."

6"youmadeyourbednowliein
7it..."

8"apennysavedis..."

9"doasIsay,notasIhave
10done..."

11"ifyoudon'tsucceed,suck
12eggs..."

13therewereothersbutIhave
14forgottenthem.
15howhewouldtollthemoff,
16endlessly!

17whenhediedIwenttolookat
18himinhiscasket.
19everybodytalkedabouthowgood
20helooked,"peaceful!lookathim,
21howpeaceful!they'vefixedhimup
22realnice!"

23Ijustlookedathim
24almostexpectinghimtopopoff
25oneofhissayings:

26"adeadassisbetterthanno
27assatall..."

[Page102]

28"don'tyouwonderwhereI'mchasing
29daffodilsnow?"

30butnothinghappenedsoIwalked
31away
32followedbyuncle
33whosaid,"hey,Henry,let's
34gogetsomethingtoeat!"

35"Iknowjusttheplace,"Isaid.
36"follow
37me..."

38Icouldalmosthearhimsaying
39fromthecasket:

40"thewaytoaman'sheartis
41throughhis
42stomach..."

[Page103]

thesmirkingdark

1whenIburiedmyfather,deathstoodthere
2andafterwardsIgotintomyoldcaranddrove
3totheracetrack
4andIstoodthereandwatchedthenumbersflash
5onthetoteboard
6anddeathstillstoodthere
7lookingatallthepeople.
8andIsaid,"youkilledDostoevsky."
9hedidn'tanswer,hejuststoodthere.
10Imadeabetandlost,wenttothemen'sroom.
11deathfollowedme,stoodtherewatchingthemen
12attheurinals.
13"yousonofabitch,"Isaid,"youmadeVanGogh
14blowhimselfaway."
15hedidn'tanswerme.
16thenhefollowedmeout.
17hewalkedaway,followingayounggirlinared
18dress.
19Iwentandgotacoffee,spilledsomeofitover
20myfingers,itwashot.
21Ifoundaseatandthoughtaboutthenext
22race.
23thendeathwasback.
24hewassittingnexttomedisguisedasanold
25guywithascragglywhitebeard.
26"whodoyoulikeinthenextrace?"heasked.
27"yousonofabitch,"Isaid,"getawayfrom
28me!"
29"whatthehell'swrongwithyou?"
30heasked.
31"Itoldyou,getthefuckawayfrom
32me!"
33hegotupandmoved
34off.

35Ididn'tseehimanymoreatthe
36track.
37afterthelastrace

[Page104]

38Itookthefreewayonin.

39after3milestrafficbeganto
40slowdown.
41Istayedintheleftlaneand
42rodeitout.

43thenIsawit,
44ontheothersideofthefreeway
45fence
46apileup,bad,
47onecaronitsroof,
48anothercrushedonthefreeway
49fence,
50aflamewasbeginningtoflickerunder
51thehood,redlightscameflashing
52andinsidemygut
53somethingsuckedandbanged.

54Idrovepast.
55Idroveon.

56Iparkedoutsidemyplace,
57gotout,wentin.
58Iopenedthedoor.
59therewasnobodythere.

60thenIsawtheteddybear.
61itwaspushedfacedownintothepillow
62onthebed.

63Iwalkedquicklytothestocking
64drawerwherethemoneywas
65kept.
66myshippingclerkmoney.

67onlyhalfofitwasgone.

68nice,Ithought.

[Page105]

69realclass,youbitch.

70thenthedooropenedanddeath
71walkedin.

72"careforadrink?"Iasked
73him.

74hedidn'tanswer.

75Iwalkedtothekitchentosee
76iftherewasone.

77thecenturiesflashed
78by.

79ashestood
80waiting.
[Page106]

twocrazies

1weweretheonlytwowhitesinthe
2factory.
3hewasrealcrazy,Max,
4cockedneck,ganglythinarms,never
5lookedstraightatanybody,well,hedid
6butitwasonlyaquickglancefrom
7atopatwistedneckandhiseyes
8weresmallanduglyand
9dim,andhealwaysworebrown:
10brownshoes,brownshirt,brown
11pants,brownsocks
12andhismovementswere
13ungainly.
14nobodyeverspoketohim.
15Iwastheothercrazy
16buttheotherworkersdidn'tknow
17it.
18Ihadameanmouth,wasgood
19withthequipsanditgainedme
20somerespect
21butIwasasoutofitas
22Maxwas.
23IknewexactlyhowMaxfelt
24andIthinkheknewhowIfelt
25butitwasasecretbetween
26us.
27weneverspoke.
28monthswentbyandwenever
29spoke.
30thenoneafternoonhespoke.
31heturnedandlookedatme
32andsaid,"youdon'thaveany
33guts."

34atlunchtimewesquaredoff
35inthealleybehindtheshop.
36Maxrushedme,wingingpunches
37buttheywerebutterfly

[Page107]

38punches.
39Itookhimeasy,bloodiedhis
40noserightaway,thenjust
41startedlevelingoff.
42itwaslikefightingagirl.
43hedidn'thave
44it.
45thefellowspulledme
46away.
47wewentbackin
48andMaxwenttothe
49washroomtoclean
50himselfup.

51nothinghappenedbetween
52Maxandmyself
53afterthat.
54amonthwentby
55andonedayMaxdidn't
56showup
57andweneversawhim
58again.

59aweekorsolater
60Iwasfired.

61andboththecrazywhites
62weregone.

63Maxhadbeen
64right:
65Ididn'thaveanyguts.
66Iwasshackedwithawoman
67tenyearsolder
68andIwas
69pussywhipped
70andlostinmyowndream.
71andifthatain'tcrazy,
72I'drather
73be.

[Page108]

anoteonthemasses

1privatehellsmadepublic
2oftenpuzzlethereaders:
3theywonderhowthisone
4orthatone
5canendureand
6continue.
7well,there'sasecret:
8don'texpecttoo
9muchofHumanity,
10theyhavebeen
11practicinghatred
12forcenturies,
13it'spasseddown
14refinedand
15perfected,
16oh,theyhavebecome
17verygoodatthat
18theirhatredsblossom
19withevermorefrequent
20regularity.
21ourpublichellcreatesa
22privatehelland
23thereisnohell
24excepton
25earth.
26onceyouaccept
27thispremise
28youwillbefreeto
29exist
30onyourownterms
31andyouwillnever
32knowloneliness
33anddeathwillbeas
34nothing.
35consideryourself
36blessedinthe
37dark.

[Page109]

3
thesingingoffoolsandthevolcanolaughing

[Page111]

LordByron

1helookedlikeLordByron
2(orhesaidhedid)
3Idon'tknowwhatByron
4lookedlike
5Icouldn'tevenread
6him,
7butAlbertwastall,
8fairlywellbuilt
9andhehadbright
10yellowhair,
11awholemaneofit,
12andhiseyeswerea
13fierceblue
14andhehadawell
15modulatedEnglish
16accent
17anddozensof
18women.
19heprofessedtobe
20awriter
21butIneversaw
22anyofit.
23Ihavenoidea
24wherehisincome
25came
26from.
27buthealwayslived
28inwellfurnished
29apartments
30withsomeyoung
31ladyof
32education.
33andasIsawhim
34onandoff
35throughtheyears,
36hebecameolder
37buthisladies
38remained

[Page112]

39thesame
40age:22,23,
4124.

42ifthereisapoint
43toallthis
44(andtheremay
45notbe)well,itwas
46thatAlbertloved
47todrink
48andIwasperhaps
49thebest
50drinkerheknew
51andhewould
52invitemeover
53toimbibewith
54him.

55itmayhavebeen
56thecontrast
57Iwasuglyand
58crass,I'msure
59Imadehimlook
60allthebetter
61tohisladies.

62soIwouldcrank
63uptheoldcar
64anddriveoverfor
65thefree
66booze.

67itwasalwaysabout
68thesame:
69LordByroncouldn't
70holdhisdrink,
71keptrunningtothe
72bathroomtopuke,
73eventhoughIwas
74outdrinkinghim

[Page113]

753toone.

76at
77pukingtime,
78Iwouldmakea
79playforhis
80lady.

81"comeon,babe,
82let'sworkina
83quickywhilehevomitshis
84gutsoutonthe
85tilesandinthe
86toilet."

87"youare
88disgusting!"
89"thankyou,
90mam."

91thenAlbertwould
92exitpalefromthe
93bathroom,
94gotothebookcase,
95pulloutthework
96ofKeatsorShelley,
97readus
98one.
99orhewouldgoto
100hissoundsystem
101andgiftuswitha
102bitof
103Vivaldi.

104LordByronandIwere
105directopposites:
106hetoosensitiveto
107liveintheworld
108andItoothickto

[Page114]

109understandhis
110pain.

111butIwaspoorand
112thedrinkswere
113free
114andIgottolookup
115thefinelycrossedlegs
116ofhisnumerous
117ladies,
118soitwasafair
119trade.

120untiltruetohis
121delicatecalling
122hesuicidedonehangover
123morning
124afterfinding
125apursefullof
126pills
127belongingtoone
128ofhisladies
129andIhadtofindanother
130poetto
131milkfreedrinks
132outa.

[Page115]

theweak

1arealwaysproclaimingthat
2theyarenowgoingtoconcentrate
3ontheirwork,whichisusually
4paintingorwriting.
5itisknown,ofcourse,thattheyhave
6talent,theysimplyhaven't...well...
7theyhaven'ttrulybeengivena
8chance.
9thereweremattersthatgot
10intheway:badaffairs,children,
11jobs,illness,etc.
12butnow,that'sallputaside,they
13proclaim.
14theyaregoingtoconcentrate
15ontheirwork
16theyarefinallygoingtodoit
17now.
18theyhavethetalent.
19nowtheworldwillsee.
20ohyes,it'sgoingtohappen.

21theproclaimersareeverywhere.
22theyarealwaysgetting
23ready.
24theyseldombegin.
25andwhentheydo
26theyquiteasily.
27it'sallawhimwith
28them.
29theywantfame.
30theywantitquickly
31buttheyreallyhavenourge
32todotheirwork
33exceptforfame
34andtoproclaim,
35proclaim,
36proclaim.

[Page116]
atoughtime

1"Iwasastudentofphilosophy,"
2saidtheguyattheendofthebar.
3"good,"saidaguyatthemiddle
4ofthebar.
5"how'dyouliketocomedown
6hereandlickmyballs?"

7itwasahotnightandthe
8airconditionerhadbroken
9down.

10Iwasn'tfeelinggoodmyself.
11someuniversitymaghad
12returned15ofmypoemswith
13ascrawlednote:
14"wedon'treadinthe
15summer..."

16itwassomethingaboutthe
17note,thehandwriting,the
18lazyeffronteryofit.

19andatthetrack,onmybig
20betoftheday
21thehorsehadthrownthe
22jockcomingoutofthe
23gate.
24also,myleftfronttirehad
25aslowleak
26andmywifehad
27PMS
28again.

29"Idon'tthinkyouhaveany
30balls,"saidtheguyatthe
31endofthebartotheguy
32atthemiddleofthe
33bar.

[Page117]

34"ohyeah?"saidtheguy
35accusedofnothaving
36any.

37"yeah,"saidtheaccuser.
38lifewasinaverystupidphase
39forme.
40Imean,Iwasn'tinahospital,
41Iwasn'thavingatooth
42pulled,
43mytaxeswerepaidand
44myshoelaceswere
45tied
46butIfeltrubbed
47againstbynasty
48forces.
49nothingbeautiful,
50unusualorevendecent
51hadhappenedtome
52forweeks.
53myfault?
54maybe.

55"youcansuckmyass,"
56saidtheguyaccusedof
57nothavinganyballs.

58"Icanseeyouhavean
59ass,"saidthestudentof
60philosophy,"because
61Icanseeitsittingup
62whereyourhead
63shouldbe."

64"listen,fellow,"camethe
65response,"ifyou'relooking
66foraknucklesandwich
67youcametotheright
68guy."

[Page118]

69theyarenotreadingin
70thesummer,Ithought,
71whataretheydoing,
72lollinginahammock
73loftingfartsintoa
74gentlebreeze?
75freedrinksforDylan
76Thomasanda
77scurrilousnotefor
78me.
79"youandwhosearmy
80isgoingtohandle
81me?"
82saidtheguyatthe
83endofthebar.

84"I'mthearmy!
85me!"

86"thatright?
87youbettergetthe
88navytoo,man!"

89youeverreadthe
90poemsinthose
91universitymags?
92tinydribblingsof
93unreality,
94boringprobes
95intothe
96nonsensical.

97Ifinishedmydrink,
98gotuptowalk
99out.

100"Istudiedunder
101Prof.Harris
102atCityCollege,"

[Page119]

103theguyattheend
104ofthebar
105repeated.

106"sureyoudid,"
107saidtheguyat
108themiddleofthe
109bar,
110"youwereunder
111him,
112facedown,
113onthesprings!"

114Isteppedoutinto
115thenightjustintime
116toseeacarhitawoman
117crossingthestreet.
118sheflippedup
119onthehood
120onherback.
121stayedthere.
122theguyjumpedoutof
123thecarandscreamed,
124"JESUSCHRIST!"

125suddenlytherewere
126125peopleinthe
127street.

128Iturnedandwalked
129awayfromit.
130therewasnothingI
131coulddo.

132whenIgottomycar
133theleftfronttirewas
134flat.
135Igotinandsat
136there.
137thefogwasrolling

[Page120]

138in.
139Iturnedonthe
140ignition
141andclickedthe
142radioon.
143ithadbeena
144crappy
145summer.

[Page121]

someluck,somehow

1Iwasalreadyanoldman
2workingthere,
3nearing50,
4hadbeenthereeleven
5years
6workingthenightshift,
7thisyoungguycame
8along,
9blond,swift,fullof
10energy.
11hetoldmeatacoffee
12breakone
13night:
14"I'monlygoingtobe
15hereayear,I'mworking
16onmynovel."

17twentyyearslater
18Iheardhe'sstillthere,
19andworse,thathe's
20givenup
21writing.

22someofthosejocks
23deservethedull
24jobs
25theyhate.

26somanyofthose
27jobsareheld
28by
29firsttime
30novelists.
31Iwasoneof
32them
33butsomehowIknew
34thatthegodswere
35watching

[Page122]

36soInevertold
37anybody.

38andstill
39tothisday
40therearebillions
41ofpeople
42whodon'tknow!

[Page123]

artclass

1ofcourse,itwasn'tmyidea.
2tome,Artisafairlydirtywordusedbyalarge
number
3ofpeoplehidingbehindwallsofthemselves;
4I'mafraidI'mashitandIpreferitthat
5way.that'sallright
6becauseIplaymysmallgame
7andletalonewhatshouldbe
8letalone.

9butthemothersuggestedourdaughter
10attendSaturdayartclass
11andwhat'sadrunkandagamblerandanunemployedman

12tosay?Ipayabitofchildsupport,it'sworthit,
13she'sagoodlittleragofagirlandwelaughalot.
14butthemotherbelievesinArt,
15sherunswithawholemadganglikethat
16theychewonArtlikevultures,suckerfish,
17theblatheringsoulofWilde,well,nevermind,

18don'tletmegetintothat,o.k.?

19thefirstoneor2timeswereallright
20Iwasjustastrangeman
21standingthere.

22thenlaterwhenthemotherssaw
23howmychildrantomewithsuchdelightfulfuryand
24trust
25IwasalmostacceptedasifI
26cared.

27butastheweekswenton
28theparentsbegantoknoweachother,
29speaktoeachother.

30therewasoneperfectlyterribleman,
31asquaresomethingbuiltofwood,hemovedtowardme
32stifflyseveraltimes,smiling.Imanagedtowalkoff
orleanover

[Page124]

33thewallasifsick.hefinallygaveup.
34andthentherewasoneworsethananyother,
35strangelydiseasedbeard,eyesalwayshappy,wore
purpleand
36redandyellow,veryinterestedinlife,always
thrustinghimselfon
37everybody,averyfinefellow.
38meanwhileIhadbrokenmysmalltoe,rightfoot,
39whiledrunkandsowhenhemovedtowardme
40itwaswithmuchdifficulty
41thatIhadtowalkawaydownthestepsasifIhad
forgotten
42myhamsandwich
43ormycollectedworksofKeats.

44soontheparentsbegantounderstand
45andtheystoodintheircirclestalking
46andIstoodaloneinmycircle
47nottalking.

48therewasoneyoungteacher,female,
49inroom6wholookedlikesheneededagood
50lay
51andsinceIamaveryoldandevillookingman
52Istaredatherasstitslipsearseverything
53whenevershecameoutofroom
546.shehatedmeandthatgavemesomeamusement
55whileIwaitedformy
56daughter.

57thelastSaturdaywastheworst.
58Iarrived
59hungover.

60then,atnoon,fromroom3,
61BarnsdallPark,theyranout
62andIthought,fine,I'llgetthegirl
63andwe'llplayBatmanandRobin
64eaticecreamandforgettheArtcon.

65butJesus,theyallrantowardme
66theteacher,aratherblushingtype,male,
67probablyaniceperson,though,andallthat,

[Page125]

68butheretheycame
69allrunningtoward
70me.

7116littlegirlsbetween5and9
72and12littleboysbetween5and9,
73andtheArtteacherblushing
74running
75andtheyhave2or3largeplasticballoons
76scrawledwithpeacesignsandcolorful
77designs,andIcan'tgetoutofthe
78way.mylittlegirlisintheresomewhere,
79andIthink,JesusChrist,howphoney,howsickening.
80howsickeningthenicepeopleare
81and
82it'sallArtshit,thetrick,
83everybodyloadstheirtrickonsomebodyelse
84andthentheylettheirheliumfilledballoonsfly
85intothesky
86andmylittlegirlsaid,
87"Hank,Hank,comehereandwatch!"
88soIwentthereandwatched
89andtheArtteachersaid,
90"What'sgoingtohappentothem?
91Tellme,what'sgoingtohappentothem?"
92andheblushed
93andhewasthinkingofthe2or3
94heliumfilledballoons
95withtheirpeacesigns
96andIwasthinkingaboutthe16littlegirls
97between5and9
98and12littleboysbetween5and9,
99andItookmykid'shand
100andIlimpeddownthelongstairwaywithher
101(Ihadresmashedthetoe)andshesaid,
102thinkingabouttheballoons,"it'skindofsad."
103andIsaid,"Yes,itis,"thenwefoundmyblue1962
104Comet.wegotintogether,itstarted,
105andweturnedleftanddrovedownHollywoodBoulevard
106pastacarwash."Look,"shesaid,"allthosemenin
those

[Page126]

107orangeoverallsrubbingthosecarswithrags.whydo
108theydothat?"

109"that'ssotheycanstayalive,"Itold
110her.
111"that'ssadtoo,"shesaid.

112that'sright,itwassad,itwastheir
113Art,withverylittleblushing,
114justworkandwaitandworkandwait
115asthesuniswasted
116astheyarewasted.

117whenwegottomyplace
118sheshowedmeherpaintingsandIsaid
119"verynice,canIhavethisone?"

120andshesaid,"sure."

121Ihungitonthewall.
122it'slookingatmenow.
123it'sagirl'sfacedoneallinred
124andthemouthisspeaking.itsays
125"o.k.,"thenitsays
126"no."

127that'sArtBatman,Robinor
128Platocouldn'thavesaiditany
129better.

[Page127]

payoff

1Iwastogiveapoetryreading
2ataVenicecoffeehouse
3butwegotthereearly
4soItoldthewoman,
5let'swalkdownbythesea
6andIcandrinkabeer,
7sowewalkeddownthroughthesand
8andthereweresomementherefishing
9andIfacedtheocean
10andhadagooddrink
11andthenIsaid,
12let'sgobackandwalkalongtheboardwalk
13andwewalkedeast
14andthenInoticedamanstandingalone
15withhisbacktothesea.
16andheliftedahorn,
17playedaquietandbriefmelody,and
18stopped.
19thenhesimplystoodthere
20withhisbacktothesea.
21Ihadanotherdrink
22andwewalkedon.
23then,onthewayback,
24hewasstillthere
25andheliftedthehornagain
26andplayedthesame
27quiet,sadmelody,finished,
28andholdingthehorndownathisside,
29hestoodthere.

30itwashotinthecoffeehouse
31andIthrewmystuffatthem
32andgotawaywith
33it,climbeddown
34andthenwewerebackinthecar
35drivingtowardmy
36place."youreadwell,"shesaid.
37"yeah,"Isaid,"thanks."

[Page128]

38butforme,thehornplayerhadwonthenight,
39andIfelttherollofbillsinmypocket,
40thepayoff,and
41IknewthatnightIhadmetabetterman
42andthebettermanhad
43won,andthatwasasitshould
44havebeen.butonlythetwoofus
45knewit.

[Page129]

dingdong

1hecameoverwithaturbantiedaroundhis
2head,andthelongendofthatturban
3dangleddownbyhisside
4likeabellcord.
5itoftengotinhisway
6ashetriedtolightacigarette
7orlifthisdrink.

8hisgirlfriendwasdressedina
9furoutfit
10thatcamedownandcoveredher
11feet.
12hereyeswerelargeandnice
13andseemedalwaysnear
14tears.
15butshewas
16quiet.

17hewas'nt.
18hejumpedupoften
19spillinghisdrinkonhis
20floweredshirt
21hewassixfeetfourand
22worsethanabore.

23itwasatmyplace
24andtherewereothers
25there.

26Igrabbedhimbyhisbeltand
27pulledhimtoonesideand
28said,"whatthefuckareyou
29on?Imean,buddy,you're
30drivingeverybodycrazy!doI
31havetokickyourassjustto
32getamodicumof
33silence?"

[Page130]

34hejustwenton
35talking.

36Iwentbackandsatdown.
37hefollowedandsatdown
38nexttome.
39hewasacomputerengineer.

40heandthegirlinthe
41furoutfitweregoingto
42bemarried.
43IknewI'dnevergo
44tothatwedding.

45therewasafellowsittingonthefloor
46acrossfromthecoffeetable
47whotoldreally
48interestingandfunnystories
49butallanyofuscouldhearwas
50thecomputerengineer.

51afterawhile
52wegaveupandjust
53listened
54althoughnobodycouldunderstand
55muchofwhathewassaying....
56thecomputerengineerandhis
57girl
58werefriendsofthelady
59Ilivedwith
60andsincemylady
61likedtosaythat
62Itreatedherfriends
63badly
64Ijustsatthereanddrank
65asthetallone
66leapedupandsatdownagain
67talking
68andgettingtangledinhis

[Page131]

69bellcord.

70Iglancedoveratthelady
71Ilivedwith.
72shewassmilingpleasantly
73ashescreamedhis
74nonsense.

75andIthought,ifIambeing
76testedIamfailingagain.
77Ican'tfindanything
78interestinginanyof
79this

80andIreachedoutand
81yankedhis
82bellcord....

83stilltalking
84hishead
85jerked
86down
87andhespilledhisdrink
88onme

89satupright
90andbeganagainwith
91morevigorthan
92ever

93onlytheheadjerk
94seemedtoclearhisspeech
95patterns
96andIfinallybegantounderstandwhat
97hewassaying.

98hewastellingtheworld
99that
100Iwasan
101antisocialhunkof

[Page132]

102despicableshit.that
103brotherhoodandsisterhood
104wouldengulfmyworkandmy
105pettyways.that
106everymanwasapoetand
107everywomanwastoo.

108Ipouredhimanew
109drink.

110hepickeditupand
111snoutedit
112down.

113loveiswhatmattered,
114hewenton,
115and
116furthermore...

[Page133]

AFDCforyouandme

1thesedogs,shesaid,arealwaysstickingtheir
2nosesinmycrotch,it'sexasperating
3Idon'tknowwhatthey
4want.
5shehadondarkpinkpantyhose
6andhadhands50yearsoldandaface40
7butshewasinherlate
820s,early30s,
9onepsychiatristafteranother,
10shewason
11AFDC,justliketherestofuswantedtobe.
12wediscussedhowwehadbadfeelingswhenwe
13killedcertaintypesofbugs,
14butwedecideditwasallrighttokill
15spidersandcockroaches
16anditwasallrighttoeatfishandcrabs
17andlobsters,
18alsochickensdidn'thaveanydamnedbrains
19butpigsweresmarterthanhorses,
20youcouldn'teatpigs.
21I'macocktailwaitress,shesaid,
22andIwearthisminiskirtbutIsuregettired
23ofthosemenstaringatmy
24crotch.Igetsodrunk
25thatIspilldrinksonpeople,
26andlateronIsing,
27notrock,that'sdead,
28Isingjazz...
29willyoumarryme?Iasked.
30yes,shesaid.

31thensheandherboyfriendgotintoakindof
32argumentandtheyleftmetherewiththewinebottle
and
33Isateatingfriedchicken
34andlisteningtoShostakovich
35until5a.m.
36inthemorning.

[Page134]

Iknowyou

1youwithlonghair,legscrossedhigh,sittingatthe
endof
2thebar,youlikeabutcherknifeagainstmythroat
3asthenightingalesingselsewherewhilelaughter
4mingleswiththeroach'shiss.
5Iknowyouas
6thepianoplayerintherestaurantwhoplaysbadly,
7hismouthatinycesspoolandhiseyeslittlewet
rollsof
8toiletpaper.
9yourodebehindmeonmybicycleasIpumpedtoward
Veniceas
10aboy,Iknewyouwerethere,eveninthatbriskwind
Ismelled
11your
12breath.
13Iknewyouinthelovebedasyouwhisperedliesof
passionwhile
14your
15nailsdugmeintoyou.
16IsawyouadoredbycrowdsinSpainwhilepigtailboys
with
17swords
18coloredthesunforyourglory.
19Isawyoucompletethecircleoffriend,enemy,
celebrityand
20strangerasthefoxranthroughthesuncarryingits
heartinits
21mouth.
22thosemadmenIfoughtinthebackalleysofbarswere
23you.
24you,yes,heardPlato'slastwords.
25nottoomanymorningsagoIfoundmyoldcatinthe
yard,
26drytonguestuckoutawryasifithadneverbelonged,
eyestangled,
27eyelidssoftyet,Iliftedher,daylightshiningupon
my
28fingersandherfur,myignorantexistenceroaring
againstthe
29hedgesandtheflowers.
30Iknowyou,youwaitwhilethefountainsgushandthe
scales
31weigh,
32youtiresomedaughterofabitch,comeonin,thedoor
is
33open.

[Page135]

bonepalaceballet

1asmanyinterpretationsof
2Mozart's"MassinC"
3asfleasuponmyfavoritecat,
4orasmanygarbagemenofverse
5inaworldfullofflamingos.

6this
7tired
8life
9thisdustydream,
10theseAprilnights,
11thisthunderinapapercup,
12alltheoldladies
13aloneinrooms
14workingcrosswordpuzzles,
15thedeaddogsofforever
16crushedwith
17lollingtongues,
18theparchedinnardsof
19mountains
20achingto
21scream,
22whatisthisgrueling
23nonsense?

24isit
25thewormcrawlingtoward
26noparadise?
27thescissorsinaclosed
28drawer?
29younggirlsgigglingand
30lostintheirflesh?
31thenightandthenthe
32dayor
33thedayandthenthe
34night?
35thehammer?
36thesaw?

[Page136]

37themirrorwhichswings
38open?

39andwhatabout
40thedarkstreetsofDublin?
41thelastpageofthebook?
42thegreenparkbenchalone?
43thelastnecktie?
44thelastfootstep
45behindyou?

46thisincompletesobofdarkness.
47awinglessbirdwaiting.
48adruidinthewastedlight.
49adrunkinthegutter.
50thesingingoffools
51andthevolcanolaughing.

[Page137]

oh
1inthebar
2thebeerbottleinsomebody's
3hand
4hasnochance.
5outsidethereisthesound
6ofcartiresinthe
7rain.
8thereisaflashof
9lightning.
10somebody
11laughs.

[Page138]

whatcanyoudo?

1thereisalwayssomebodytochopwood
2foryou,
3tospeakof
4God,
5thereisalwayssomebodytokillthe
6meat,
7tounplugthetoilet,
8thereisalwayssomebodytobury
9you,
10therearealwaysanimalswith
11beautifuleyes,
12andtherearealwaysthose
13likeStanleyleaningtowardme
14andsayinginasoftvoice,
15"doyouknowthatattheendof
16hiscareerSaroyanhadother
17peoplewritinghisstuffandthathe
18gavethemtwentyfive
19percent?"
20thiswassupposedtomakeme
21feeloriginal,
22feelgoodbecauseIwasastarving
23writerandtherejectswerearriving
24inrecordnumbers.
25itdidn'tmakemefeel
26good.

27thereisalwayssomebodyorsomething
28tomake
29youfeelworse.
30thereisalwaysthedeaddogon
31thefreeway.
32thereisalwaysafogfullof
33cutting
34blades.

[Page139]

35thereisalwaysChristdrunkin
36thetavernwithdirty
37fingernails.

[Page140]

myfriend,theparkinglotattendant

1he'sadandy
2smallmoustache
3usuallysuckingonacigar

4hetendstoleanintocarsashe
5transactsbusiness

6firsttimeImethim,hesaid,
7"hey!yagonnamakea
8killin'?"

9"maybe,"Ianswered.

10nextmeetingitwas:
11"hey,Ramrod!what's
12happening?"

13"verylittle,"Itold
14him.

15nexttimeIhadmygirlfriendwithme
16andhejust
17grinned.

18nexttimeIwas
19alone.

20"hey,"heasked,"where'stheyoung
21chick?"

22"Ileftherathome...."
23"Bullshit!I'llbetshedumped
24you!"

25andthenexttime
26hereallyleanedintothecar:

[Page141]

27"what'saguylikeyoudoingdrivinga
28BMW?I'llbetyouinheritedyour
29money,youdidn'tgetthiscarwithyour
30brains!"

31"how'dyouguess?"I
32answered.

33thatwassomeweeksago.
34Ihaven'tseenhimlately.
35fellowlikethat,chancesarehejustmovedon
36tobetter
37things.

[Page142]

lastwillandtestament

1youstopagonizingforawhile
2thinkingthatmaybelife'strue
3essencehasrisentothe
4top(temporarily)
5orthataminordecency,
6aminorsensibility
7hastakenagentle
8hold.
9butit'sillusion,all
10illusion:
11thecrapisstillcrap,
12theoldstructureremains
13firmly
14inplace,
15you'regoingtohaveto
16endure
17thesamehollowghosts
18oflove,
19thesamecardboard
20faces,
21thesameeyeless
22eyes,
23theolddark,
24thesameolddark,
25thesameknock
26onthedoor
27withnobodyonthe
28other
29side.
30wearenotwithout
31joy,
32wehavewhatwe
33needhere,
34andmywishissimple
35enough,
36althoughitmay
37notbegranted:
38thatthelivingdead

[Page143]

39ofthislife
40willnotsoon
41die
42andthenfollow,
43afterthegraciousness
44ofdeath
45hopefullyrescuesme
46fromthemonstrous
47weightof
48thisdrizzling
49suckerfish
50nightmare.

[Page144]

12minutestopost

1aswestandtherebeforethepurplemountains
2inourstupidclothing,wepause,look
3about:nothingchanges,itonlycongeals,
4ourlivescrawlslowly,ourcompanionsdepreciate
5us.
6then
7weawakenamoment
8theanimalsareenteringthetrack!
9Quick'sSister,PerfectRaj,ViveLeTorch,
10MissLeuschner,Keepin'Peace,TrueToBe,
11Lou'sGoodMorning.
12now,it'sgoodforus:thelightningflash
13ofhope,thelaughterofthehiddengods.
14wewerenevermeanttobewhatweareorwhere
15weare,wearelookingforanescape,somemusic
16fromthesun,thegirlweneverfound.
17wearebettingonthemiracleagain
18therebeforethepurplemountains
19asthehorsesparadepast
20somuchmorebeautifulthan
21ourlives.

[Page145]

inthecenteroftheaction

1youhavetolaydownlikeananimal
2untilit
3charges,you
4havetolaydown
5inthecenteroftheaction

6laydownandwaituntilitchargesthenyou
7mustget
8up
9faceitget
10itbeforeitgets
11you

12thewholeprocessismore
13shythan
14vulnerableso

15laydownandwaitsometimesit's
16tenminutessometimesit'syearssometimesit
17neverarrivesbutyoucan'trushitpush
18it
19there'snowaytocheatorgeta
20jumponityouhaveto

21laydown
22laydownandwaitlike
23ananimal.

[Page146]

thefool

1Isatinthatcheaphotelroom
2waiting.
3Isatdrinkingwineand
4waiting.
5Iturnedoutthelightsand
6drankinthe
7dark.

8thephonerang.
9itwasher.
10"I'llbealonginalittle
11while,Hank."
12"when?"
13"justalittlewhile,wait
14forme,don't
15worry."

16shehungup.
17shewasoneofmyfirst
18women.
19tenyearsolderthan
20I.
21thehotelwason6th
22street.

23Isatinthedark
24drinkingthe
25wine.
26soonthebottlewas
27empty.

28Iwentout,
29tooktheelevatordown,
30toget
31another.

32whenIgotback
33Iaskedthedeskclerk

[Page147]

34iftherehadbeenany
35messages.
36helookedatmeasif
37Iwerecrazy.

38Itooktheelevatorback
39up.
40Iwasabouthalfway
41throughthesecond
42bottlewhenthephone
43rang.
44"Hank,it'sme,I'llbe
45therereal
46soon."
47shehung
48up.

49Isatinthedarkand
50finishedthe
51bottle.
52thenIgotoutof
53thereandtookthe
54elevator
55down.

56Iwalkedhalfa
57block
58tookaleft
59walkeddowntothe
60bar.

61throughtheblinds
62Icouldseeher
63sittingatthe
64bar.
65shewassmoking
66drinking
67talkingtosome
68oldguyina

[Page148]

69wrinkledgrey
70suit.

71Iwalkeddown
72tomycar,
73gotin
74anddroveout
75ofthere.

76sawhersomewherea
77coupleofweeks
78laterand
79shesaid,
80"geez,Hank,what
81happened?
82Iwentuptothat
83roomandtherewas
84nobody
85there!"

86"nokidding?"Isaid,
87"youmeanyouwentthere
88andtherewasnobody
89there?"

90sheknewitwas
91over.

92sheopenedherpurse
93andlookeddown
94intoit,
95fumbling
96around.

97lookingforcigarettes,
98alighter
99orhernext
100move.

[Page149]

therock

1Iwillnotnamethispoetalthoughhisbloodredand
dark
2wordsimpressedthemselvesuponmeandstill
3do.
4inmidlifehebecameandremainedacomplete
5recluse.
6hespoketonooneandwasseenbyveryfew.
7hisworkandhislifeappearedtobeasone.

8itwasnotuntilafterhisdeaththatIreadhis
9CollectedLettersandthese
10panderedtouniversitypowersandpublishing
11forces.
12therewasletterafterletterof
13beckoningand
14posturing,of
15obeisanceand
16compromise.
17hehardlyseemedthesameman.
18maybehewasn't,Ithought,maybesomebodyelsewrote
those
19lettersforhim
20andthen
21theywerepublished.

22inreality,though,Iknewthathehadwritten
23them.

24howsoonouridolsfall
25until
26therearenone
27left.

[Page150]

ah

1itwillneverend,therewillbeno
2help,nomercy,nolivingthing,
3itwillallgoon,uselessly,through
4fabricationandoldhabits,it
5willcontinue,aheadlessbody
6oflife,walkingoldwalks,doing
7oldtricks,dreamingolddreams,
8itwillbeasaloneasamountain,
9anddespitebillionsofbeings
10therewillnotbeonerealbeing,there
11willbeeverlastingwasteandonly
12theanimalswillbereal,theywillhave
13thepurenessofeyeandthegrace,
14theywillbethelast,thesimple,
15pure,theember,whatitmeant
16truly,thewolfwillhavetheheart
17andthepantherthelungsand
18theeagle,theeyes,andthelast
19warwillbeonemansittingina
20chair,laughingatit
21all.

[Page151]

room106

1cametotowninthemiddleofthenight
2foundamotelroom
3litacigarette
4andlookedattheblackandwhite
5tv,
6acoupleinthenextroom
7arguing,
8theysounddrunk,
9Southern,
10Iturnthetvoff,
11lookthroughtheblinds,
12mycarisstillthere,
13Itakemyshoesandclothesoff,
14tootiredtoshower,
15Imanagetobrushmyteeth,
16comeback,
17switchoutthelights,
18stretchoutinthebedinthe
19dark,
20Icanhearthemstill
21arguing,
22itisn'taveryinteresting
23argument,
24I'mtired,
25wanttosleep
26andsoontheystoparguing
27andIlistentothetraffic
28goingby
29butIcan'tsleep,
30somehowIthinkofmyselfas
31adeadman
32onthatbed,
33I'mdead,themaidwill
34findmewhenshecomes
35tochangethesheetsand
36towels.
37uponseeingme
38shewillmakeasmall

[Page152]

39frightenedsound,
40closethedoor
41andrunoff
42somewhere.

43thatsceneseemsappealing
44tome,
45quite,
46Iyawn,stretch,turnonmy
47rightside,
48seethered
49NOVACANCYsignthrough
50theblinds
51andjustlikethatI
52am
53asleep.

[Page153]

inotherwords

1theEgyptianslovedthecat
2wereoftenentombedwithit
3insteadofwiththewomen
4andneverwiththedog

5butnow
6here
7goodpeoplewith
8goodeyes
9areveryfew

10yetfinecats
11withgreatstyle
12loungeabout
13inthealleysof
14theuniverse.

15about
16ourargumenttonight
17whateveritwas
18about
19and
20nomatter
21howunhappy
22itmadeus
23feel

24rememberthat
25thereisa
26cat
27somewhere
28adjustingtothe
29spaceofitself
30withadelightful
31grace
32inotherwords
33magicpersists

[Page154]

34withoutus
35nomatterwhat
36wemaytrytodo
37tospoilit.

[Page155]

thehorseplayer

1howstrangeitison
2ahotsummer
3night
4tocomebackin
5andgooveryourfigures
6tryingtopiecetogethertheaction
7atthetrack,
8sittinginyourundershirt,
9suckingonacoldbeer,
10goingoveritallonceagain,
11gettingreadyfornexttime,
12thatmagictime
13wheneverythingyoubeton
14comesin,
15justtoputlifestraight,
16justtoshowwho'sincontrol,
17goingovertheconsensus,
18speed,pace,consistency,
19moneyearned,
20it'sallthere,
21justaroundthecorner,
22theeternalsecret.
23betterhurry,
24thetimeisshort,
25you'veseen70,000races,
26manyofthejocksyouknew
27arenowdead,
28betterhurry,Chinaski,
29don'tdropthewhip,
30gofortheopening,
31thewireisrushingup
32atyou
33sittinginyourroom
34inyourundershirt
35onahotsummernight,
36cigarettedangling,
37ithastobemadness,
38itwasalways

[Page156]

39madness,
40thisendlesssearchforthe
41ultimate
42truththat
43stillcan'tbe
44stopped.

[Page157]

thebigone

1hebuys5carsamonth,detailsthem,waxesandbuffs

2themout,then
3resellsthemataprofitofoneortwogrand.

4hehasaniceJewishwifeandhetellsmethathe
5bangsheruntilthewallsshake.

6hewearsaredcap,squintsinthelight,hasa
regular
7jobbesidesthecargig.

8Ihavenoideaofwhatheistryingtoaccomplishand
maybehe
9doesn'teither.

10he'sanicerfellowthanmost,alwaysgoodtoseehim,

11welaugh,sayafewbrightlines.

12but
13eachtime
14afterIseehim
15Igetthebluesforhim,forme,forallofus:

16forwantofsomethingtodo

17wekeepslayingoursmalldragons

18asthebigonewaits.
[Page158]

theparade

1thewavingofhands,theposturingofthe
2limbsinputridwhiteness,
3themouthwithoutwords,theeyeswithout
4light
5suchafarce,neverafarcesuchasthis!
6boulevardsofhumanwasteonparade!
7lookatthem!
8look!
9god,I'mgoingtopukeoutmybattereddamned
10heartatthesightofthem!
11theseawfuldisgustingcreaturesposingas
12thisorthat
13aking,abathingbeauty,adancer,
14aclown,amouse...
15Christ,stopit!
16thewallsarefalling!
17thisdarknessshakesmelikeadirtyrag!
18humanwasteonparadethroughoutthe
19centuries!
20whyamIthelastonealive?
21there'snoanswerto
22that.

[Page159]

bumontheloose

1Iclimbedoffaparkbenchtoengagethegiantsof
2literatureinbattle.
3Ilivedwithwomenmadderthanthegods
4themselves.
5Iconsumedenoughboozetogetanarmydrunk.
6Ilivedinshackswithoutwindows,without
electricity,
7withoutplumbing,withoutheat.
8Iclimbedofftheparkbenchtoengagethegiantsof
9literatureinbattle.
10Iwasbeateninalleys,robbed.
11Isearchedthecitiesforsanity.
12Ireadgreatbooksandtheymademesleepy.
13Istarvedinroomsfatwithrats.
14myparentswereinshameofme.
15thebeautifulladiesthoughtmeugly.
16Iclimbedofftheparkbenchtoengagethegiantsof
17literatureinbattle.
18theworldconsideredmeinsane.
19Isleptindesertedgraveyards.
20Isatinbarsthroughthemorningsandintothenight
21andbackintomorning.
22Iengagedthegiantsofliterature.
23allmyworkcameback.
24oneeditorwrote,"whatisthisstuff?"
25Iworkedthefactories,thewarehouses.
26Igotmarriedanddivorced.
27Iwas40yearsoldwhenmyfirstthinpamphletof
poemswas
28published.
29itwasn'tthatgood.
30attheageof50Idecidedtobecomeaprofessional
writer.
31Iearned$980thefirstyear.
32Ilivedonacandybaraday.
33Iwasengagingthegiantsofliterature.
34theladiesdescendedlikelocusts.
35Ithrewpeopleoffmyfrontporch.
36Iwasengagingthegiants.
37thegiantswerenotawareofthis.
38onlyIwasaware.

[Page160]

39Iclimbedofftheparkbenchtoengagethegiantsof
40literature.

41Ididn'tthinkthattheywereallthatgood.

42tellme,doyou?

[Page161]

goingaway

1downthroughthelastdoor,
2pastthemusic,
3pastthedancinggirls,
4downthroughthelasthall
5pastthelastNewYear
6andthelasthurrah!
7pasttheflightofthe
8hummingbird,
9pastthelastkiss,
10thelastfluxandflow,
11thelastnewday,
12dielastnight'ssleep,
13thelastsweetorange,
14thelastwar,
15pastthelast
16last
17word.

[Page162]

stag

1thisguypretendedtobeaFrenchpainter
2andIsatonacouchwithabeer
3then2girlswalkedin
4whilehe
5thepainter
6wasasleepinachair
7drunk

8oneofthegirls
9tookhiscockoutandstrokedit

10whiletheotherone
11paintedit
12(oncanvas,thatis)

13andthenheawakenedandthegirlsbeganto
14stripdown

15andthepainterhadthe2girlsandthisone
16cock,andhediditall
17whiletheydidit
18all

19andsometimesitwasdifficultto
20separatethe3bodies
21andIsattherewhilethecamerafocused
22andIthought,hell,we'reall
23crazy,

24andwhenitwasallover
25everybodygotdressedandIwas
26introducedtothe
27actors.(actressestoo,pardonme,
28girls.)
29theguywiththecockwastryingtologenoughhours
30tobeacommercialairline
31pilot.

[Page163]

32oneofthegirlstheyounglookingone
33hadagirlincollege

34theotheronewantedtogototheOrientand
35studysomethingor
36other.

37thecameraman
38pouredthewhiskeyaround
39andwesattherelaughingandenjoying
40eachother.

41theymadetheirlivingwithstagfilms
42anditwasalittlestudioroom
43#228
44someplaceinHollywood

45butIgotthefeelingthatifIpulledoutmycock
46everybodywouldbe
47insulted,even
48I

49soIhadafewmoredrinks
50gotaphone
51#fromoneofthegirlsfor
52later

53anddroveon
54home.

[Page164]

latepayment

1ariflebulletacrossthepageandintoShakespeare's

2grave,
3thesteamironpressedagainsttheinner
4arm,
5theheadlessscream,
6theunfoldingdahlia,
7notesfromadirtydiary,
8thelion'snightmareat2:30p.m.,
9thissummerhasrunthroughthetreeslikeatank,
10Ijammyheartintoarubbergloveandthefingers
JUMP,
11theRussianEmpiregurglesdownthegarbagedrain,
12weapproachthe21stCenturywithourdirtystinking
laundry,
13thegodsaredonewithmeandthemandthis,
14thelastuselesswordlookingforaplacetodie.

[Page165]

2horsecollars

1I'mhotnow,hesaid,
2andlinedasingleto
3center.
4nextuphetripled,
5thendrewawalk,
64thatbat
7hehomered.
85thatbat
9hedoubled.

10I'mhotnow,hesaid,
11thensanginthe
12shower.
13whenhegottohis
14place
15hiswomanwasn't
16there.

17hewenttothedresserdrawer
18gotwhatheneeded
19wentovertoMike'sand
20brokethedoordown.
21theywereinbed
22together.
23atthelastmoment
24hegottherealtruthofit,
25changedhismind
26putthegunintohismouth
27andpulledthe
28trigger.

29thenextdaytheyhadtherookie
30upfromMemphisinhis
31spot.thekidwent0for4,
32suckeredonthechangeup
33andthelowandinsidefastball.
34buthewasgoodwiththewomen
35andthat'smoreimportantthan
36.364

[Page166]

counsel

1Iamlivinginhell,hetoldme,andIsaid,isthat
right,
2Frankie?andhesaid,Iamtrulylivinginhell,you
3wouldneverbelieveit.
4everything,hecontinued,hashardenedintoa
repetitious
5marchtonowhere.
6isthatright,Frankie?fuckinga,hesaid,youever
7beenlockedintoasituationwheretheonlyescapeis

8death?
9yes,Itoldhim.
10thenwhatdoyoudo?heasked.
11Frankie,Ijustwait,deathiscominganyhow.
12but,hetoldme,Ican'twait.
13Frankie,you'llwait.
14why,heaskedme,ispainthemostpresentand
constant
15thinginlife?
16physicalpainishardtoexplain,Frankie,butIknow
what
17causesmostspiritualpain.
18yeah?yeah?heasked.
19mostspiritualpain,mylad,iscausedby
20toomuchexpectation.
21yeah?yeah?heasked.
22toomuchexpectation,Isaid,trytoavoidit.
23doyou?heasked.
24yes,moreandmoreIexpectlessandless.
25anddoyougetless?
26almostalways,Frankie.
27damn,hesaid,italwayshelpstotalktoyou,you've
been
28aroundtheblock.
29I'mafraidso,Frankie.
30heasked,didyoueverthinkyouwouldlivethislong?

31Frankie,Ihaven'tlivedthislong,I'velastedthis
32long,good
33night.

34Ihungupthereceiverandpulledthe
35bottle
36towardme.

[Page167]

thefighter

1Hemingwayfeelsitinthegrave
2everytimethebullsrunthrough
3thestreetsof
4Pamplona
5again

6hesitsup
7theskeletonrattles

8theskullwantsadrink

9theeyeholeswantsunlight,action.

10theyoungbullsarebeautiful,
11Ernest

12andyouwere
13too

14nomatter
15whattheysay

16now.

[Page168]

myworstrejectionslip

1cametomewhenIwaslivingin
2thatcourtonDeLongpre.
3itwasfromtheeditorofone
4ofthesexmagson
5MelroseAvenue.

6"listen,Bukowski,youarea
7goodwriterbutnever
8sendusastorylikethat
9again!
10nomanbedsdownwith
11thatmanywomen
12inadayorinanight
13andaday,
14especiallyanuglyold
15fartlikeyou!
16we'vebeendelighted
17withyourprevious
18fiction
19but
20please,please,
21please,
22don'tlaythebullshit
23ontoothick,
24thereaderwill
25neverbelieve
26it
27andwehere
28areinsultedto
29thegoddamned
30hiltwithyour
31exaggerations!"

32well,Irereadthe
33storyandfoundit
34perfectlyaccurate
35inthefactual
36sense.

[Page169]

37Idroppeditonthe
38floorandwentin
39andpoureda
40drink.
41asIwalkedout
42therewasa
43knockonthe
44door.

45itwasayounglady.
46shestoodthere
47looking
48wild.

49"whatareyou
50doing?"
51"nothing."

52"well,I'mtaking
53Ninatovisitherfather
54andthenI'm
55comingright
56back!"

57"ohgood,baby..."

58thensheturned
59andranto
60her
61car,
62Ihearditroar
63offdownthe
64street.

65Islammedthe
66drinkdownand
67thenthe
68phonerang.

[Page170]

69"hello,"I
70said.

71itwasafemale
72voice.

73"whatareyou
74doing?"

75"nothing."

76"areyoudrinking?"

77"yes."

78"isthereawoman
79therewithyou?"

80"no."

81"weweretohave
82dinnertogether
83andyouwere
84goingtospendthe
85night.
86doyou
87remember?"

88"sure,baby,
89I'llbethereat
90seven."

91shehung
92up.

93Isatdownwith
94mydrink.
95Ifinishedit.
96thenIgotup
97andgotanother,

[Page171]

98satthere.

99therewasaknock
100onmydoor.
101itwasmylandlady.
102shewasalready
103redfacedwith
104booze.

105"o.k.,"shesaid,
106"I'vegottwelve
107quartsof
108Eastsidein
109therefrigerator.
110youcomin'
111down?"

112"later..."

113"youbettercome
114down,youhornyoldsonof
115abitch!"

116"oh,Iwill..."

117thenshewas
118gone.
119andIlookeddown
120attherejected
121story
122onthefloor.

123toobad,
124thewaypeople
125thought:
126thatonlyhandsome
127youngmen
128gotallthe
129action.
130andIdidn'teven

[Page172]

131wantthe
132action.
133itwasgettingbetween
134me
135andmy
136typewriter.

137it'struethatthere
138weredays
139whennobody
140botheredme.
141thenIsometimes
142masturbated.

143thosewerethedays
144whenIgotmy
145workdone.

146Ipickedthestoryup
147andslippeditback
148intothe
149envelopeforthe
150time
151being.

152lateron
153I'dmailitoffto
154somebodywith
155morecommon
156sense.

[Page173]
40,000

1now
2atthetracktoday,
3Saturday,
4Father'sDay,
5eachpaidadmissionis
6entitledtoafreewallet
7andeachwalletcontainsa
8littlesurprise.

9mostofthemenare
10between30and55,
11goingtofat,
12manyoftheminwalking
13shorts.
14theyhavegonestaleinmid
15life,
16flattenedout.

17menlike
18thesedon'teven
19deservedeath,
20theselittlewalking
21whales,
22onlythereareso
23manyof
24them,
25intheurinal,
26inthefoodlines,
27thespecieshasmanagedto
28survive
29inamostlimited
30sense
31andwhenyousee
32somanyofthem
33likethat,
34upclose,
35therebutnotthere,
36breathing,farting,

[Page174]

37commenting,
38waitingforthethunder
39thatwillnotbeheard,
40waitingforthecharging
41whitehorseof
42Glory,
43waitingforthelovely
44femalewhowillnot
45arrive,
46waitingtoWIN,
47waitingforthegreat
48dreamto
49engulfthem
50youcanonlywonder.

51theyclompintheir
52sandals,
53gulpathotdogs
54animalstyle,
55gulpingthe
56meat.
57theycomplainabout
58losing,
59blamethejocks,
60drinkgreen
61beer.
62theparkinglotis
63jammedwiththeir
64mortgaged
65cars.

66thejocksmountonce
67againforanother
68race,
69themenpress
70towardthebetting
71windows
72mesmerized,
73fathersandnonfathers,
74Mondayiswaiting

[Page175]

75forthem,
76andthisisthelast
77biglark.

78butatthesametime
79inthatsameplace
80thehorsesare
81totally
82beautiful.
83itisshockinghow
84beautifulthey
85are
86atthattime,
87inthatplace,
88theirlifeshines
89throughthem:
90miracleshappen,
91evenin
92hell.

93Idecidetostayfor
94onemore
95race.

[Page176]

coffeeshop

1shehasservedmeandIam
2eating,
3"iseverythingallright?"
4sheasks.
5"yes,thankyou..."
6"morecoffee?"
7"allright..."

8Iamreadingthepaper
9andeating.
10"cream?"sheasks.
11"no,thanks..."

12shepoursthe
13coffee.

145minutespass.
15sheisback
16"iseverythingallright?"
17"yes."
18"morecoffee?"
19"no."
20"areyougoingtotry
21oneofourdesserts?"
22"no,thankyou..."
23"comeon,youonly
24liveonce!"
25"yes,Iknow..."
26sheleavesagain.
27butnotforlong.

28"youcareformore
29rolls?"
30"no,thankyou..."
31"didyoulikethe
32turkey?"
33"yes."

[Page177]

34"yououghttotry
35ourroastbeef."
36"youmean,
37now?"
38"no,nexttime."

39shejuststandsthere.
40"Isawyouinherethe
41otherdaywithyour
42daughter."
43"thatwasmywife."
44"oh,you'remarried..."
45"yes."
46"morecoffee?"
47"allright."
48"youtakecream?"
49"nocream."

50shecomesbackand
51poursthe
52coffee.
53thenleaves.

54Itryit.
55it'sunbearably
56strong.
57theydon'tcleanthe
58coffeemaker.

59it'stimetoleave,
60Ineedthebill.
61Ilookforthewaitress.
62Idon'tseeher
63anywhere.
64Ireadthepaper:
65massmurdererboils
66theheadsfor
67soup.

68thebusboycomes

[Page178]

69by,
70picksupmy
71plate,
72leavesthebad
73coffee.

74thenhecomesback
75carryingthecoffee
76container.

77"morecoffee?"

78"no,thanks,haveyouseen
79thewaitress?"

80"no."

81"whereisshe?"

82"Idon'tknow."

83hewalksoff.

84Isitwaiting.
85nobodyappears.

86Igetupfromthe
87tabletogolookfor
88thewaitress.
89Ifindherjustoutside
90thekitchen,
91she'ssmokinga
92cigaretteandtalking
93tothecook.

94"waitress,"Iask,
95"canIhavethe
96check?"

97"ohyes,"she
[Page179]

98smiles.

99Igobackandsit
100down.
101shearriveswiththe
102check.
103she'ssignedher
104nameatthe
105bottom,
106"thanks!
107Carolyn."
108shehasdrawna
109littlesmiling
110face.
111sheputsthecheckdown
112ontopofawet
113spot.

114"morecoffee?"

115"no,thanks."

116"waseverythingall
117right?"

118"yes."

119shewalksoff.
120Ileaveatip,goto
121theregister,
122paythebill.
123theowneris
124behindthe
125register.
126shetakesmy
127money,handsme
128thechange
129withoutlookingat
130me.
131sheisanolder

[Page180]

132woman,
133abitonthe
134heavy
135side.
136stilllookingat
137somethingelseinfront
138ofher
139sheasks,
140"waseverything
141allright?"
142"yes,"Ianswer
143andIgooutthe
144doorandintothe
145streetandintothe
146world,
147nevertoreturn
148thereagain,
149notinthislife
150oranylife.
151Ifindmycar,
152getin,driveaway
153thinking,nowif
154thatwasn'thell
155thenhellisn'tgoingto
156be
157sobad.

[Page181]

poetryreadings

1poetryreadingshavetobesomeofthesaddest
2damnedthingsever,
3thegatheringoftheclansmenandclanladies,
4weekafterweek,monthaftermonth,year
5afteryear,
6gettingoldtogether,
7readingontotinygatherings,
8stillhopingtheirgeniuswillbe
9discovered,
10makingtapestogether,discstogether,
11sweatingforapplause
12theyreadbasicallytoandfor
13eachother,
14theycan'tfindaNewYorkpublisher
15orone
16withinmiles,
17buttheyreadonandon
18inthepoetryholesofAmerica,
19neverdaunted,
20neverconsideringthepossibilitythat
21theirtalentmightbe
22thin,almostinvisible,
23theyreadonandon
24beforetheirmothers,theirsisters,theirhusbands,
25theirwives,theirfriends,theotherpoets
26andthehandfulofidiotswhohavewandered
27in
28fromnowhere.

29Iamashamedforthem,
30Iamashamedthattheyhavetobolstereachother,
31Iamashamedfortheirlispingegos,
32theirlackofguts.

33iftheseareourcreators,
34please,pleasegivemesomethingelse:

35adrunkenplumberatabowlingalley,

[Page182]

36aprelimboyinafourrounder,
37ajockguidinghishorsethroughalongthe
38rail,
39abartenderonlastcall,
40awaitresspouringmeacoffee,
41adrunksleepinginadeserteddoorway,
42adogmunchingadrybone,
43anelephant'sfartinacircustent,
44a6p.m.freewaycrush,
45themailmantellingadirtyjoke

46anything
47anything
48but
49these.

[Page183]

4
twistingthecapoffthetubeofnight

[Page185]

journeytotheend

1thereisthisfellowintheNetherlandswhosends
2mephotosofCelineandboxesofmarvelous
3cigars.
4well,Iamadog:Ienjoyboth.
5thecigarsgowellwithmyredwineandInevertire
of
6Celineorhisphotosaverygoodfaceonthat
fellow
7LouisFerdinandDestouches.
8(wehavesomefamousmodernwriterswhosefaceslook
like
9theinsideofbedpansandtheywritethesameway.)

10IlikemynightswithCeline'sphotos,
11classicalmusic,cigars,redwineandthe
12computer.

13CelinewatchesovermeasIdrink,type,listento
music
14andsmokethecigars;wehaveagreattimetogetheras

15otherpeoplearebowling,sleeping,watchingtv,
arguing,
16screwing,eating,doingallthose
17dumbthingsandothers.

18andnowhere
19thewordsflylikecrazysparrowsinastorm,
Shostakovich
20bellowsfromtheradio,asthecigarsmokewhirlsto
theleftand
21out
22thedoorandintoanightasdarkasredwine.

23helloCeline...Celine...youdog...weendurethe
pain
24ofcenturies...butwecanlaugh...sometimes.here
25amongyourphotosthe
26darkluckisgood.

[Page186]

uponreadingacriticalreview

1it'sdifficulttoaccept
2andyoulookaroundtheroom
3forthepersontheyaretalking
4about.

5he'snotthere.
6he'snothere.
7he'sgone.

8bythetimetheygettoyourbooksyou
9arenolongerinyour
10books.
11youareonthenextpage,
12inyournext
13book.

14andworse,
15theydon'tevengettheoldbooksright.
16youaregivencredityoudon't
17deserve,forinsightsthataren't
18there.

19peoplereadthemselvesintobooks,altering
20whattheyneedanddiscardingwhatthey
21don't.

22goodcriticsareasrareasgood
23writers.
24andwhetherIgetagoodreviewora
25badone
26Icantakeneither
27seriously.

28Iamonthenextpage.
29inthenextbook.

[Page187]

thebeautifullady

1wearegatheredherenow
2toburyherinthis
3poem.

4shedidnotmarryanunemployedwinowho
5beatherevery
6night.

7herseveralchildrenwillneverwear
8snotstainedshirts
9ortorndresses.

10thebeautifullady
11simply
12calmly
13died.

14andmaythecleandirtofthispoem
15bury
16her.

17herandherwomb
18andherjewels
19andhercombsandher
20poems

21andherpaleblueeyes
22andher
23grinning
24rich
25frightened
26husband.

[Page188]

black

1therearenightssobad
2thatthefingersonthe
3keysare
4useless
5andyoumightaswell
6coverthe
7machine,
8mightaswell
9sitinachair,
10goto
11bed,
12waitonlife,
13waitondeath,
14waitonchange.

15literatureis
16justnodamned
17good
18now,
19yoursor
20anybody
21else's.

[Page189]
mystyle

1Iwatchthejockscomeoutinthepostparade
2andonewillwintherace,theotherswilllose
3buteachjockmustwinsometimeinsomerace
4onsomeday,andhemustdoitoftenenough
5orheisnolongerajockey.

6it'slikeeachofussittingoveratypewriter
7tonightortomorrowornextweekornextmonth.
8it'slikethegirlsonthestreettryingtoscore
9fortheirpimps
10andtheyhavetodoitoftenenough
11ortheyarenolongerwhores
12andwehavetodoitoftenenough
13orwe'rewhoreswhocan'tscore.

14Iwouldlikealittlemorekindnessandwarmth
15inthestructureofthings.

16IbecameawriterbutwhenIwasaboy
17Iusedtodreamofbecomingthevillageidiot,
18Iusedtolieinbedandimaginemyselfthatcareless
idiot,
19planningwaystogetfoodandsympathyeasily,
20aplannedconfusionofnottoomuchloveor
21effort.

22somewouldclaimthatIhavesucceeded
23inthis.

[Page190]

dead

1hewroteajoyousandmad
2novelaboutunbelievableand
3romanticepisodes
4andhiswordsdancedwith
5laughterandmockeryand
6gamble.

7thenovelmadehim
8famousandhewenton
9towriteothersbutnone
10likethefirst.

11thenhestopped
12writing,cameherefrom
13hisnativeland
14andbecameaprofessor
15atasouthern
16university.

17hewearshissuit,his
18tie,hisdignity
19astokensof
20respectability
21ashisstudentswait
22forhimtogowild,
23tobreakdownthe
24walls,
25tosmashglass,
26precedence,
27minds.

28butthesemesters
29pass,quiet
30seasons.

31R.I.P.

[Page191]

areevaluation

1hetoldmehe
2had6kids
3hadbeen
4married
55timesandthatnext
6Wednesday
7hewouldbe
838years
9old.

10Ihadalwaysthoughtofhim
11as
12oneofthesharpest
13valetsat
14racetrack
15parking

16butthen
17I'vealwaysbeenbetterat
18pickinghorses
19thanat
20picking
21people.

[Page192]

snakeeyes

1WilliamSaroyan
2marriedthesame
3woman
4twice

5whichmeans
6hemusthave
7forgotten
8something
9aboutthe
10first
11time
12around.

13anyhow,heclaimed
14itruinedhis
15life.

16but,
17actually,
18thereare
19manythings
20whichcan
21ruin
22aman's
23life

24just
25dependingupon
26whichone
27getstohim
28first.

[Page193]

ourworld

1it'sstrange,isn'tit?
2youcan't
3compareitto
4anything
5else
6yetyouquickly
7learn
8thatthereis
9somethingwrong
10withit
11andwiththepeople
12that
13inhabitit.

14youwantto
15beobjective
16andfair
17butwhenyou
18seewhatit
19doestous
20andthechoices
21itleaves
22us
23thestreetsyoumust
24walk,
25whatyouhear
26andsee,
27endure
28daybyday
29yearbyyear,
30nightand
31day
32goddamnit,
33youhavenothingto
34comparethatwith
35either
36soyoureally
37can'tcallit
38awful

[Page194]

39butwhydoes
40itseem
41tobe?

42forexample
43putting
44yourshoeson
45inthemorning
46islikehaving
47towalk
48through
49mountains.

50yes,
51itmustbe
52us.
53wemustbe
54sick.
55thatmust
56be
57it
58althoughwehave
59nothingto
60compareus
61with
62either.

63sick.
64unperceptive.
65bornintothiswondrous
66lightand
67glory
68andthengagging
69onit,
70pukingit
71away
72asthebees
73andthebutterflies
74transport
75evermore,
76theirbloody
77pollen.

[Page195]

howtogetridofthepurists

1severalmonthsagoIwassentsometapes
2byamusicianwhohadputseveralof
3mypoemstomusic.
4heprofessedmuchinterestinmy
5poesy.
6Iplayedthetapesonthewaytothetrack
7andback.
8veryclassical(andIamaclassicalmusic
9freak)
10buttheoveralltoneoftheworkwas
11Ifelt
12tingedwithintellectual
13elitismthepretentioussopranovoicesandthe
14generalpresentation.

15Iwasbothabashedandhonoredthat
16thecomposerhadlentsomucheffortand
17musicallearningtomywork.
18atthesametimeIfeltthattheoverall
19effectwasantilife,antime,antithe
20clarityofdirectlyseekingjoy,pain,
21anythingreasonableor
22sufficient.
23itwasthesameoldcon,thesameold
24snobbism,thesameoldmurderouskiss
25ofdeathclothedinacreative
26act.

27soIwrotethegentlemanback,"youknow,
28Ihavecertainproblems,oneofthem
29beingwithinstruments.
30someinstrumentswhichIdislike
31arethepiano,theviolinandthesoprano
32voice,especiallythelatter.
33thehumanvoicebesidesbeingbasically
34uglyalsoremindsmeofthehuman
35race
36andoneofthelastthingsIwantto

[Page196]

37thinkofandoneofthefirstthingsI
38wanttogetawayfromwhenIlistento
39classicalmusicis
40thehuman
41race.
42Iwriteforthesamereason.
43isitpossiblethatyoucanrewritethis
44wholething
45withoutusingtheabovementioned
46instruments?"

47Ihaven'theardfromthiscomposer
48since.
49whichispartofmyplan.
50theotherpartbeingtoantagonize,
51deplete,exposeandshame
52thethousandsofpractitionersof
53theartsinalloftheirforms
54whohavebeensubsidizedby
55snobbery,dullness,andthewillful
56pushtowardfame
57whichhasleftuswith
58centuriesofaccepted
59andimmenselyadmired
60worksof
61artof
62which
63alltoomany
64aresurely
65useless,
66worthless,
67fake
68andsosupremelyboring
69thatwethinkthat
70theycertainlymustbe
71something
72real.

[Page197]

acuriousthing

1Ihaveknownagreatmanywomen
2andonecommonlittlequirk
3thatIhave
4noticed
5occursmostoftenwheneating
6out.
7Iwillbespeaking
8andperhapsitwillnotbe
9vitallyinteresting
10buttheladywillsuddenly
11turnherfaceawayfromme,
12andwillgazeacrossthe
13roomintently
14atagroupatanother
15table.
16mostoftenIwillsimply
17stopwhatIam
18sayingandwaitfor
19herattentionto
20return.
21atothertimesIwillsay,
22"oh,isitsomebodyyou
23know?"
24or,
25"isitsomething
26interesting?"
27"no,"theywill
28answer.
29andiftheladythen
30risesandgoesto
31therestroom
32Iwillcheckthegroup
33atthetable
34whostoleher
35attention
36andseeonlyabevy
37ofquitecommon
38dolts.

[Page198]

39or
40Iwillbespeaking
41andagroupwill
42enterandas
43theywalkby
44herattentionwillshift
45andhereyeswill
46feastonthem
47asifshehadseen
48something
49extraordinary.
50Idon'tbotherto
51checkoutthese
52newcomersmyself.
53Ifeeltheir
54deathglow
55astheywalk
56past.

57now,whatI
58meantosayhereisthat
59Imightoftenbe
60abore
61andnotworth
62listeningto
63butthenIwonder
64whytheladies
65aretherewith
66meinthe
67first
68place?

69Iwilladmit
70thatoftenasthey
71conversewithme
72Ifindtheir
73conversation
74vapidor
75worse
76butIhearthem

[Page199]

77out,
78ofteninterjectinga
79littlenod
80oranaffirmation
81suchas,"yes..."
82orasimple
83"uhhuh..."
84butIneverturn
85directlyaway
86andfocusmyattention
87elsewhere
88especiallyin
89midspeech.

90whentheytaketheir
91attentionaway
92likethat
93Idobelievethat
94theythinkthatthey
95arebeing
96worldlyand
97observant.
98butit'sterribly
99clear.
100don'ttheyknow
101Ican
102readthis
103behavior?

104it'struethatpeople
105canbetogether
106toomuch,
107toolong,
108itcanbeawful,
109itcanbeabore
110anda
111grind.
112andthenwhenIsuggest
113tothelady
114thatperhapswehad

[Page200]

115bestforgetthe
116wholematterand
117goourseparate
118ways,
119onceagain
120Igetacommon
121reaction:
122"WHATDOYOUMEAN?"
123thenthereare
124tears.
125asifall
126thathasoccurred
127hadnot
128occurred,
129asifallwassweet
130and
131well.

132butthecontinual
133nuancescannot
134beignored.
135alldisinterestisn't
136sexual.

137"YOUAREABASTARD!
138YOUAREAHORRIBLE
139MAN!"

140yes,yes,yesIam
141andthegodsandthe
142ladieshavemade
143meso.

[Page201]

thefinger

1thedriversofautomobiles
2haveverylittlerecourseor
3originality.
4whenupsetwith
5another
6driver
7theyoftengivehimthe
8FINGER.

9Ihaveseentwoadult
10men,
11floridofface
12drivingalong
13givingeachotherthe
14FINGER.

15well,weallknowwhat
16thismeans,it'sno
17secret.

18still,thisgestureis
19sooverusedithas
20lostmostofits
21impact.

22someofthemenwhogive
23theFINGERarecaptainsof
24industry,citycouncilmen,
25insuranceadjusters,
26accountantsand/orthejustplain
27unemployed.
28nomatter.
29itistheirfavorite
30response.

31peoplewillneveradmit
32thattheydrive
33badly.

[Page202]

34theFINGERistheir
35reply.

36Iseegrownmen
37FINGERINGeachother
38throughouttheday.

39itgivesmepause.
40whenIconsider
41thestateofourcities,
42thestateofourstates,
43thestateofourcountry,
44Ibeginto
45understand.

46theFINGERisamind
47set.
48wearetheFINGERERS.
49wegiveit
50toeachother.
51wegiveitcomingand
52going.
53wedon'tknowhow
54elsetorespond.

55whatahellofaway
56tonot
57live.

[Page203]

don'tforget

1thereisalwayssomebodyorsomething
2waitingforyou,
3somethingstronger,moreintelligent,
4moreevil,morekind,moredurable,
5somethingbigger,somethingbetter,
6somethingworse,somethingwith
7eyeslikethetiger,jawsliketheshark,
8somethingcrazierthancrazy,
9sanerthansane,
10thereisalwayssomethingorsomebody
11waitingforyou
12asyouputonyourshoes
13orasyousleep
14orasyouemptyagarbagecan
15orpetyourcat
16orbrushyourteeth
17orcelebrateaholiday
18thereisalwayssomebodyorsomething
19waitingforyou.

20keepthisfullyinmind
21sothatwhenithappens
22youwillbeasreadyaspossible.

23meanwhile,agooddayto
24you
25ifyouarestillthere.
26IthinkthatIam
27Ijustburntmyfingerson
28this
29cigarette.

[Page204]

lastcall

1totallywrittenoutat2a.m.
2butnotworriedaboutpickingupa
3lady
4ordrivinghomeinapolice
5car.
6allIhavetodoistotoddleinto
7thenextroom
8floponthebed
9andsleepitaway.
10thegoodwifewillcheckmy
11breathing.
12youcanendsafe
13butyoucan'tstartsafe.
14you'vegottoearnyourstripes
15first
16withthegods.
17andeventhen
18youcan'tstaysafetoo
19long.
20I'llgocrazyatleast
214moretimesbeforeI
22earnmygravestone,
23butmeanwhile
24I'lltoddleoff
25asthegodssmile
26andsay,
27"JesusChrist,isthisthesame
28guywhofoughtmonsters
29indarkalleysforthemeresake
30of
31entertainment?"

32there'ssomedamnfool
33outthere
34whowilltakemy
35place
36one
37day.

[Page205]

38meanwhile,look,there'sa
39gulpofbeerleft
40andanupsidedown
41universe.

42youbesafeforawhile,
43I'llcuttheswath.

44youcan'tallbeme
45butatleast
46trynottobe
47them.
48please.

[Page206]

undecent

1brisk,brisk,brisk.
2bulletsandlives.
3shot.

4astheblackbird
5sitsonthe
6wire.

7asdepartment
8storeneckties
9waittobesold.

10asyouthinkof
11something
12asnothing
13thinksofyou.

14thekitefloats
15inthewind
16andthemad
17man
18isright.

[Page207]

oneofthose
1Sartrewassomefellow,ohyes,
2heshowedustheboneof
3Nowhereandshookitin
4ourface.
5thechoice
6isyours,
7hesaid,
8moralsdiedwithGod,
9you'reonyour
10own.

11everynowandthen,
12duringthepassingcenturies,
13somegiantamongmen
14arises,
15shakesustruly,
16shocksusoutofour
17sleep,
18sothat,atleastfora
19time,webecomeaware,
20renewed
21asweputourshoesonin
22themorning,
23aswetrundlethroughour
24tasks,
25asweeat,defecate,
26imaginelove,
27mailletters,
28driveandwalkthe
29city,
30thingsandthoughts
31assumedifferent
32shapes.

33Sartrewasoneofthose
34giants.
35Paris,France,muchofthe
36world

[Page208]

37rumbledandbounced
38becauseof
39him.

40withoutsomelikehim,
41puttingyourshoesonin
42themorning
43wouldbecomesodifficult
44astobealmost
45impossible.

46JeanPaul,
47thanks
48for
49everything.

[Page209]

candyass

1thebestpartisthat
2afteryouhavewritten6or7goodpoemsin
3onenight
4youcancelebrate,
5play,
6writeacandyasspoem.
7youcandeliberatelytrytobebad,
8that'sfun,
9mostdoitwithouttrying.

10thatangeryou?
11good.
12hopeitmakesyourmotherangry
13too.
14manymothersgetangryaboutwhatI
15write.
16whentheystopgettingangryI'm
17goingtopackitin,
18jointheboyscouts.
19mymotherinlawsaystomy
20wife,
21"butWHYdoeshehavetousethe
22LANGUAGEhedoes?"
23well,dear,it'sjusttopissyou
24off,getyourangerup.

25lifehasabusedmeandIhavemis
26usedit.
27Ienjoyattackingthesunwitha
28squirtgun.
29Iamdrunk,Iwillsleeponmyleft
30sidetoawakeninthemorningand
31readthiscandyasspoem,
32wretchedly.
[Page210]

theword

1thewordhasnolegsoreyes,
2hasnomouth,hasnoarms,
3hasnointestinesand
4oftennoheart,orvery
5little.

6youcan'taskthewordto
7lightyourcigarette
8althoughitwillhelpyou
9enjoyyourwine.

10andyoucan'tforcetheword
11todoanythingitdoesn't
12wanttodo.
13youcan'toverworkit.
14andyoucan'tawakenit
15whenitdecidesto
16sleep.

17thewordwilltreatyouwell
18attimes,
19dependinguponwhatyou
20askitto
21do.
22othertimes,itwilltreat
23youbadly
24nomatterwhatyouask
25itto
26do.

27thewordcomesand
28goes.
29sometimesyoumust
30waitaverylongtime
31forit.
32sometimesitnever
33comesback.

[Page211]

34sometimeswriters
35killthemselves
36whentheword
37leaves.
38otherwriterswill
39pretendthatitisstill
40there
41eventhoughtheword
42isdeadand
43buried.

44manyfamouswriters
45dothis.
46andmanylessfamous
47who
48onlycallthemselves
49writers.

50thewordisnotfor
51everybody.
52andformost,
53it'sthere
54justforaveryshort
55time.

56thewordisoneof
57themost
58powerfulmiracles
59in
60existence,
61itcanenlightenor
62destroy
63minds,
64nations,
65cultures.

66thewordisdangerous
67andbeautiful.

68ifitarrivesforyou,

[Page212]

69youwillknow
70it
71andyouwillbethe
72luckiestof
73humans.
74nothingelsewill
75matterand
76everythingelsewill
77matter.

78youwillbethe
79centerofthe
80sun,
81youwillbelaughing
82throughthe
83centuries,
84youwillhave
85it,
86yourfingers
87yourguts
88willhave
89it,
90youwillbe,
91foraslongasit
92lasts,
93agoddamned
94writer
95doingthepossible
96impossible,
97gettingitdown,
98gettingitdown,
99gettingit
100down.

[Page213]

please

1savemefromthem
2andtheirsmoothcomfortablefaces
3andtheirrelaxed
4effrontery,
5theircrossedlegsandtheircanvas
6shoes,
7theirsoftbellies,theirsoft
8minds,
9theircageycourtesy,
10theirpallidsmiles,
11theirneedlesstinkeringwithyour
12hours,
13theirentranceintoyourlife
14throughothers,
15god,theawfulpeopleyoumust
16dealwith
17becauseyounolongerlive
18alone,
19thesepiecesofsquash,
20thesepolliwogs,
21thesesuckerfish
22andtheirunendurable
23visitations,
24therebytheblinds,
25nibblingbitsoffood,
26savoringthewine,
27sittingtheirdumbassesupon
28thecommodes,
29stayinganextraday,
30anextraweek,
31anextralife,
32socontent,
33wallowinginyour
34sight,
35savedfromyourfurythrough
36circumstance,
37theyfattenbeforeyou
38stuffingtheirmouthswith

[Page214]

39olives,fruitandchips,
40smilingthroughwinewetlips...

41othersmustseesomethingin
42them,
43needsomethingfrom
44them
45whileIshudderin
46mydamnedguts
47indisbelief
48atwhatconfronts
49me.

50theynoticenothing,
51yawn,
52andstretchtheirlegs
53throughmy
54space.

[Page215]

goodnight,sweetprince

1musicoftheworm
2handlesmelikeahotfly
3asescalatorsturnintospoons

4grandmamoseswouldhavewantedit
5thus
6earlytorisewith
7tearstainedeyes

8letmetakeyouawayfromallthis:
9thereisaplacebehindthehills
10wheretreesareshapedlike
11guillotines
12andmandolinshavemouthslike
13brokenbottles

14afrancisworthonehundredcentimesin
15Luxembourg
16mydaughterwilldiein
172037
18Iwilldiein1998
19andflyingfishwillstillcontinueto
20fly.

[Page216]

Dreiserwasn'tsohoteither

1heisreallyanicefellow
2ofgoodheart
3butIdon'tknowwhattodo
4withhim:
5heisbittenbytoomuch
6enthusiasm.

7andIhavenodesireto
8hurthim.

9hephonesoften.

10"I'mworkingonmynovel,"he'll
11say.

12"good,"I'll
13answer.

14"123pages..."

15"good..."
16"yourememberwhatyoutold
17me?"hewill
18say.

19"what?"

20"'neverwriteuntilyoureally
21haveto,neverwriteuntilit
22leapsonyouandgrabsyou
23bythethroat.'"

24"yes..."

25"IwaitedandnowI'mupto
26page
27123..."

[Page217]

28thenhe'lltalkaboutother
29things,andthen
30alotmoreaboutthe
31novel.
32thenitwillbe
33over.

34"wasthatHarry?"mywifewill
35ask.

36"yes,itwasHarry..."

37adayorsowillpass,
38I'lldriveinfrom
39thetrack
40andmywifewill
41say,"Harryphoned."

42"ah..."

43"hetalkedabouthis
44novel..."

45"123pages..."

46"135pages...healso
47saidhecreated
48acoupleof
49new
50characters."

51"yes,hetoldmeand
52Itoldhimthatitwas
53allright:it's
54fiction..."

55"hetellsusboththe
56samethings,"mywife
57says.

[Page218]

58"yes..."

59usuallyHarryphones
60inthemornings,Ionly
61wishhe'dwaituntil
62nightfall
63but
64he'sexcited.

65itcouldbeagood
66novel,maybeit
67is,Ihopeso,
68only
69Iwishhewouldn't
70talkaboutit
71allthe
72time.

73"Iwishhewouldn'ttalk
74about
75thenovel,"Itellmy
76wife.

77"whydon'tyoutell
78him?"

79"Christ,Ican'ttotally
80discouragethis
81guy!"

82"helikesyou,
83sotellhim..."

84"look,F.ScottFitzgeraldused
85toreadhisstuff
86tohiswoman
87rightafterhewrote
88it.
89that's
90evenworsethan

[Page219]

91talkingabout
92it."

93"but
94youoncesaid
95F.ScottFitzgerald
96wasthemostoverrated
97writerof
98ourtime..."

99"Ijustcan'ttellHarry
100to
101stoptalkingabout
102hisnovel,"Ireply.

103"he'syourfriend..."

104"maybehe'syourfriend,"
105Itellher.

106"but
107I'mnowriter..."

108"forthis,"Itellher,
109"letusblessthe
110godsandeverything
111else."

[Page220]

cruising

1totallymentallyripped,
2drivingthestreetsintheafternoon,
3stoppingatsignals,
4lookingatpeoplewalkingonthe
5sidewalks,
6it'srealitybutarealitythathas
7fadedaway.
8youknowyourjudgmentis
9warpedbutyoudon'tgivea
10damn.
11toolongonearth,that'sit,
12that'syourproblem.
13astorytoldtoooften.

14thesignalchangesandyou
15crosstheavenue,
16enterasidestreet,
17drivealong
18thehousesaresmalland
19sad,
20havenoheart.
21theasphaltboilsunder
22yourwheels
23andthere'snoplaceto
24go,
25nosurprise,nowonder
26ment.

27toolongonearth,old
28dog,youaredirtiedwith
29life.

30youcirclebacktothe
31avenue,
32parkbehindataco
33stand,getout,
34walktothecounter,
35wait.

[Page221]

36aheavygirlapproaches.
37shestands,looksat
38you.
39youpretendtobe
40composed.
41"coffee,"yousay,
42"small,black..."

43shesmilesatyou.
44thesmilesays:
45Iknowyou'recrazy
46butit'sall
47right.

48yougetthecoffee,
49takeitbacktothe
50car.
51youarefacinga
52dirtydarkyellow
53wall.
54yousipthe
55coffee:
56bitterhorrible
57swill.

58youdrinkhalfa
59cup,dumpitoutthe
60window,backoutof
61there
62andthenyou're
63drivingwest.

64apsychiatristwon't
65help,
66apsychologistwon't
67help,
68agodwon't
69help.
70drinking'sold
71anddrugsmakeit

[Page222]

72worse.

73youjustdriveinyour
74car.
75forahundredyears.
76forcenturies.
77yourheadripped
78risingupthrough
79thesun
80roof
81lollingonalongsnake
82neck
83smilingabloody
84smile,
85paradiseat
86last.

[Page223]

thewayitis
1almosteverybodyhereison
2drugs
3buttherealpros
4continuetofunction
5alldayandintothe
6night,
7handlingtheiraffairs,
8gettingtheircleanlaundry,
9payingsomeofthe
10bills,
11goingon,
12likethat,
13it'sacomedy,
14almostanaccepted
15wayoflife.
16thisneighborhoodis
17fullofthem,
18theywalkinandoutoftheir
19housesandjumpintotheir
20cars,theyappeartobe
21ordinarycitizens
22unlessyoureally
23knowthem.
24theyhavechildren,
25theyvotesometimes,
26theywatchtv,
27theyappeartobe
28normalcitizens
29andwhattheyare
30finallybecomesnormal
31forthem,
32hundredsofpeople
33inthisneighborhood
34drugged
35continually.
36it'saquietlyaccepted
37fact.
38theyneedthestuffto

[Page224]

39goon,
40weallknowthis
41butnothingisever
42saidaboutit
43asthepolice
44(paidby
45thetaxesofthe
46users)
47bustthe
48assesofthe
49sellers
50inthisquiet
51lovely
52little
53neighborhood.

[Page225]

afinalwordonnofinalword

1neartheendoftheinterviewheleanedforwardand
2asked,"nowisthereanyfinalwordyou'dliketo
leavewith
3youraudience?"

4"no,"Ianswered,"nofinalword."

5Ifelthisdisappointment.

6"nofinalword?"heaskedagain.

7"no,"Isaid.

8hehadwantedanicecloser,hehadwantedmetosave

9hisass,
10hehadwantedmetosavetheassofmyaudience.
11well,Ihadworkedhardenoughtosavemyownass.

12"o.k.,"herecoveredhimselfandsaidtome,"it's
been
13arealpleasuretointerview
14you."

15"sure,baby,"Isaid.

16thenhemotionedtothecameraandsoundmenthat
17itwasover
18andtheybeganpackingtheir
19gear.

20"youfellowscareforadrink?"Iasked.

21"nothanks."theinterviewerspokeforeverybody,they
were
22pullingplugsfromthewalls,foldingequipmentinto
23cases,itwasasifInolonger
24existed.

25theyhadwhattheyneeded.

26Istoodwithcigaranddrinkandwatchedthemfileout

[Page226]

27thedoorandintothenight.

28thentheyweregonewiththeirassesthatneeded
saving
29evenworsethanmine.

[Page227]

eachman'shellisdifferent

1Igetreportsaboutadearfriendin
2Europe,thismanisnotthecomplaining
3type
4sowhatI'velearneddoesn'tcomefrom
5him
6buthecan'thideeverything
7andsomeofitfiltersthroughfromother
8sources:
9hemustgotothehospitaleveryother
10day,heisdyingbythegoddamned
11inch.
12hishomelifehaslongbeen
13unhappy
14andnow
15hiswifehasbecome
16suicidal.
17mostofmyletterstohim
18gounanswered
19andwhenhedoes
20reply
21theresponsesareclippedand
22stark.

23I'velearnedhecan'tdrink,smoke,
24everconsumecoffee
25and
26thereare
27occupational
28problems.

29he'snotold.

30myfriendalwayswantedtobe
31awriter
32hebecameatranslator
33workingthelanguageofthe
34successfulpractitioners
35intohisown.

[Page228]

36thelonghardhours
37withthedream
38gettingfurther
39andfurtheroutof
40reach,
41hiswifegoing
42mad:

43"you'realways
44typing!"

45akillingunhappiness:
46neverknowing
47whatyoumighthave
48been.

[Page229]

thepowersthatbe

1therewasacrowdatthisdinner.
2theywerealltellingjokesof
3onesortoranother,
4someofthemwereprofessional
5actors,directorsofnote,writers,
6anditgavemealittle
7tingletobewithsuchtalented
8humans.
9therewasalull,finally,
10andIbegantellingaboutsomething
11thatwasnotajoke.
12aboutsomethingthathadhappenedtome.
13Imean,Iwasn'tseriousbutatthe
14sametimeIwasserious,
15tryingtoexplainwhat
16hadoccurred,about
17somethingthatmightoccur
18unexpectedlyinanyman'slife,
19somethingtobeunderstood,
20somethingtocherish.
21Iguessitwas
22aratherphilosophicalstory
23informedbydecadesof
24mylivinglifeout.

25then,Iwasfinished.
26therewassilence.
27nobodyagreedordisagreed.
28andthen,atonce,theyallbegan
29again
30chattingabout
31littlehappenings,
32thewaiterappearedand
33disappeared,
34dessertsandlibations,
35furtherinjokesandoutjokes,
36thecandlesflickeredintheir
37glassenclosures,

[Page230]

38eyeslockedandunlocked,
39lipsopened,
40mouthssmiled,hands
41gestured,
42thesewerethetalentedmindsthat
43informedourway,
44thesewerethetalentedmindsthat
45informedtheirway.
46Iwassittingwithtalented
47shit.

[Page231]

clever

1thecleverpeopleslidedownstreamlike
2whitefish
3throughthebluewater,
4pasttherapids,
5thecleverpeople
6withtheircleverthroatsandeyebrows,
7theirclevernostrilhairs,
8bothshoeslaced,
9alldoomserased,
10teethwhite,
11thecleverpeopleslidecleanly,
12eventheirdeathsareonetenthdeaths,
13clevercleverclever,
14theyhavebetterwalls,
15bettercars,
16abetterwaytolaugh.
17eventheirnightmaresareringedwith
18tinsel,
19thesecleverones,
20theysitacrossfromyou,
21whitelysmiling,
22fullofit,
23eventhehairontheirhead
24glintscleanly.
25howlonghaveIlivedandlooked
26uponthem.
27doyouknowwhatdeathreallyis?
28it'soneoftheseclever
29cocksuckers
30shakingyourhandand
31embracing
32you.
33youknowwhatdeathreally
34is?
35comeseeme
36asIsliptheGoldCard
37tothewaiter
38while

[Page232]

39disliking
40you.or
41worse.

[Page233]

thepoem

1theyallkeeppublishingpoems
2butit'sdoubtfulwhata
3poemcanreallyaccomplish.

4centuriesofpoems
5andwe'rebacktothe
6startingpoint.

7likephilosophy,history,
8medicine,science,poemsseemto
9alterthings,
10seemtoleadtowardaway
11out
12thenfalteragainstthe
13changingcurrentsandincreasing
14odds.

15apoemisnobetterthana
16goodcanopener,
17asparetire,
18or
19aspirinfora
20headache.

21thepoemisn'tmuch
22butletmetellyou
23ifIhadn'tdiscovered
24it
25Iwouldbedead
26or
27youwouldbedead
28ormanypeople
29wouldbe
30dead
31or
32ifnotdead
33thenhorribly
34mutilated

[Page234]

35inonesenseor
36another.

37still,apoemcanonly
38beapoem.

39lineslikethese

40floatingonapage

41burningholesinthefaceof
42death
43twistingthecapoffthetube
44of
45night

46followingthedogofsummer
47totheendofhis
48rope.

49huh?

[Page235]

mymail

1keepsevolvingandthereismore
2ofit.
3intheolddays
4manyletterswerefromladies,
5oftenwithphotos.
6I'dtellthemtocomevisit
7andImetthemattheairport
8anddrovethem
9home.
10thentherewasdrinkingand
11sex.
12moststayedtwoorthreedays,
13thenleft.

14therewerealsolettersfrom
15meninjail,someasfarawayas
16Australia.
17Iansweredtheseletters.
18therewerealsolettersfrom
19poets,knownand
20unknown.
21thentherewereafewmental
22cases.
23Iansweredtheseaswell.
24theproblemwasthattheyall
25wantedcontinual
26response,
27alifelongcorrespondence.
28whenIwouldinformthem
29thatthiscouldn'tbedone
30Ireceivedsomeirrational
31andfoulresponses
32inreturn.
33Ifoundmyselfwritingdozens
34oflettersa
35month.
36andmyintention

[Page236]

37asawriterhadnotbeento
38correspondwith
39anyand
40all.

41Ifinallygaveup
42babyingmy
43mailbox.

44Ireadmymailbutin
4590percentofthecases
46Ididn't
47respond.

48Iheardastoryabout
49Faulkner.
50whenhegotaletter
51heheldituptothe
52light.
53ifhedidn'tseeacheck
54inthere
55hethrewitaway
56unopened.

57Ireadmymail
58thenthrewit
59away.

60nowmuchofmymail
61isfromcollege
62professors.
63someofthemare
64preciseandpleasant
65enough
66butfewareworthy
67ofresponse.

68andthereareacoupleof
69selfpublishedbooksofpoetry
70aweek,
[Page237]

71fewworthyof
72response.

73theladiesandthe
74convictsandthemadmen
75havedropped
76away.

77Istillgetlettersfrom
78peoplewhoannouncetheywill
79soonbeintownto
80"drink8ortenbeers"with
81me...

82myjob
83asawriter
84istowrite.
85Iamnotacounselor
86noranentertainer,
87noramIinterestedin
88readingbooksof
89poesy
90orbeddingdown
91orgivingblurbs
92orrecommendingunsung
93socalledgeniuses
94tomy
95publisher.

96whenIwasanunknown
97writer
98Isentmywork
99directlytothemagazines
100andthepublishers,
101neverwithacover
102letter,
103andIneverknockedon
104anybody's
105door
106andIneverreadmy

[Page238]

107worktomywivesor
108mygirlfriends
109oranybody.

110whenyouareinaprizefight
111youclimbintothe
112ring,
113youdoitwhereitis
114done.
115andit'snotdoneat
116literarypartiesorby
117writingBurroughsor
118Mailer
119orFerlinghetti.

120yousitdownatyour
121machine
122andfireitintothe
123unknown,
124andifyoudon'thave
125amachine
126youwriteitonthe
127wallsorontheedges
128ofnewspapers.
129andyou'llkeepdoing
130it,
131doingit,
132andifyou'vegot
133it,
134thegutsandthe
135laughterandthemanner
136ofsayingit
137you'llfinallycome
138through.
139forgeteverything
140else.

141thegodsaregood,
142theyonlywantto
143makesure.

[Page239]

walkingwiththedead

1andtalkingwiththedeadanddrivingthefreeways
2withthedeadandstandinginthesupermarket
3withthedead

4whatthedoctororderedis
5notwhatIordered
6notwhatyouordered
7notwhatweordered.

8takethewholethingback.

9throwitout.

10startoveragain.

[Page240]

upthroughthenight

1thewayIcantellitistheChristmas
2seasonisthattheclassical
3musicontheradiogets
4bad.
5Imeanwithanexceptionortwo
6weareleftinamusicalvacuum.
7music
8likeanyothercreativeendeavor
9musthaveitsownpersonal
10meaning,
11mustfinditsownway.
12itcan'tbeprogrammedbygeneral
13agreement
14orsomebody'smotherinlaw's
15conceptof
16whatisappropriate
17fortheseason.

18thingswiththeirownpower
19andwithalifeoftheirown
20gotheirownway
21maketheirownstatements
22bringlightbytheirown
23magic.
24it'swhatmakesdeath
25bearableandlifeworth
26discarding.

[Page241]

thefooldinesout

1Iamwithothers,includingmywife,itisadarkand
2expensiveplace,weorderwine,high
3pricedstuff,thewaiterbringsit,applies
corkscrew,
4pulls,andtheprongripsoutofthecorkleaving
5saidcorkwithinthebottle,sohereinsertsthe
cork
6screw,tugs,andithappensagaincorkscrewin
7theair,corkinthebottle.

8"havingalittletrouble,eh?"I
9askhim.

10mywifedigsanelbowtomyribs,thewaitergoesoff
11foranotherbottle,returns,digsthecorkscrewin
again
12samething:outcomesthecorkscrewwithoutthe
cork.

13"youneedanotheropener,"I
14suggest.

15Igetanotherdigintheribs,thewaiterglowersat
me,
16he'senraged,givesitanothertry,sameresult.

17"wow!"Isay.

18theothersatthetablelookatmeasifIhadjust
been
19convictedofchildrapeandnoweverybodyisenraged
20exceptmeasthewaitergoesforathirdbottle,
returns,
21andasheinsertsthecorkscrewhefixeshiseyeson
22meandIsilently(ofcourse)wish
23himluckandthistimehe
24makesit.

25Iamthewinetaster,hepoursmeabit,Igiveita
sip,
26waitamoment,nodtohimthatthewineisall
27right.

28fortheremainderofourstaytheretheotherpeople
talk
29asifIamnonexistentbutuponhearingthe
30conversationIammosthappy

[Page242]
31thatIamexcluded.

32uponleavingIpaythebill,tip20%,andwewalkto
33theparkinglot,theothersfeelingthattheyhave
acted
34properly
35inourcivilizationofexpensiverestaurants.they
even
36saygoodnighttome.asthevaletsrushforourex
37pensivecarsI
38wonderwhatthewaiterwilldowiththosetwobottles
39withtheruinedcorks,Ialwaysdigthecorksout.
drink
40thewine,corkandall.

41meanwhilemywifeiswaitingtotellme,whenweare
42inthecaralone,thatItreatedthewaiterquite
43horribly,didn'tIknowhowtoactinpublic?

44andIwon't
45reply.

[Page243]

hey,hey,hey

1sometimesit'sbadorjustordinary,
2youadjusttosenselessconditions,
3thenanewcarddropsoutofthedeck,
4itseversthetendonbetweenthethumb
5andtheforefinger,
6adarkelectricnumbnessoverwhelmsthe
7spinalcord
8andyourmother'sfaceappearsona
9billboard
10skeweredasitshouldbe,
11advertising
12adversityasthenorm,
13youpourafreshdrink,
14duckdownbetweenthestinkofhumanity
15andtheferociousboredomof
16time,
17comeuponcetoblink,
18godowntwicetothinkitover,
19dial911
20andgetavoicelessvoice
21likethedeadscreamofa
22caterpillar
23asRomesculptsthemonster
24andchildrenaslittle
25asflies
26crawlthewallsofyour
27brain.

[Page244]

bandaid

1wearedestroyedbyour
2conscience,Iexplainedto
3him.

4no,no,that'snotwhatI
5mean,hesaid.
6Imean,I'llwakeup
7feelinggood,youknow,
8readyforaction,ready
9forwhatever'soutthereand
10thenthefirstwordshe'll
11saytome
12willbe
13viciousandstupid,
14reallyunwarranted,youknow.
15then,I'mdepressed,the
16wholeday's
17shotthroughthehead.

18wearedestroyedbyexpecting
19morethanthereis,
20Isaid.

21or,hecontinued,I'llbeout
22doingmyjoballday,itwillbehard
23enough,butI'llseeitthrough
24andI'lldriveupthinking,now
25forthegoodpart.I'llpark,
26getout,walkinthedoor,
27andshe'llsaysomething
28totallyunrelatedeithertoher
29ortome,Imeansomethingthat
30issimplyandviolentlyugly,
31youknow,andthere
32goestheeveningandthenight,
33theregoesanygoodfeeling
34Imighthavehad.
[Page245]

35yousoundlikeanit
36pick,Isaid.

37youmeanthesethingsdon't
38happentoyou?heasked.
39Imean,withyour
40woman?

41never,Itoldhim.

42noproblems?sherespectsyou?
43heasked.

44sheadoresme,Isaid,theway
45Ispeak,walk,talk,my
46glow,thewholebundle.

47Idon'tbelieveyou,
48hesaid.

49youshouldn't,I
50answered.

51whydowomenact
52likethat?he
53asked.

54it'slove,Ianswered,
55theycare.

56maybeitwouldbebetter
57iftheyhatedus?
58heasked.

59theydo,Isaid.

60Ijustwishthey'dtreatus
61withthesamerespectthey
62treatstrangers,he
63said.

[Page246]

64wecouldn'tstandthat,
65Isaid.
66youmeanwegetwhatwe
67need?heasked.

68weneedwhatweget,I
69toldhim.

70isthereanythingelse?
71heasked.

72nottoday,Isaid,we've
73beentalkinganhour
74that's$150.

75Ithinkyou've
76compoundedmy
77problems,he
78said.

79maybe,Itoldhim,and
80that'swhyyoushould
81comeagain
82nextweek.
83Iguessso,he
84said.

85I'llseeyouthen,Itold
86him,good
87day.

[Page247]

thedanglingcarrot

1theperfectpoemwillneverbe
2written.

3Ibackoutthedrivewayat
411a.m.,
5swingaround,
6wavetomywife,
7drivedownthehillandinto
8theworld.

9theperfectpoemwillneverbe
10written,
11neverbewritten
12here
13anywhere
14onapage,
15inthestreet,
16onthewall
17inParis
18inPeru
19inthemen'sroom,
20inthetrainstation,
21onabillboard,
22ontheheadofapin,
23theperfectpoemwillneverbe
24written.

25forthis,
26letusthankthegods.

[Page248]

preparation

1you'vegottoburn
2straightupanddown
3andthenmaybesidewise
4forawhile
5andhaveyourguts
6scrambledbya
7bully
8andthedemonic
9ladies,
10you'vegottorun
11alongtheedgeof
12madness
13teetering,
14you'vegottodrinka
15riverofbooze,
16you'vegottostarve
17likeawinter
18alleycat,
19you'vegottolive
20withtheimbecility
21ofatleastadozen
22cities,
23thenmaybe
24maybe
25maybe
26youmightknow
27whereyouare
28foratiny
29blinking
30moment.

[Page249]

freeway

1thesevensunsdimmedintoone
2andthelastporpoiseroseto
3thesurface
4asIshiftedintohigh
5gear
6whileracingthemaninthe
7whitelatemodel
8Porsche.
9drumsbangedinmybrain,
10thebloodfloweddownto
11mytoes
12asIpushedthe
13accelerator
14downtothefloor,
15Iwasgaining
16inchingup
17asMountShasta
18explodedintoa
19beautiful
20day.

[Page251]

5
thebigguydoesn'thavemeoutofhereyet

[Page253]

thenewhomeless

1I've
2beendrivingdownthistreelinedstreetfor
312yearsorso
4onmywaytowherever,past
5therichhomes,theponytrails,past
6thelushsmellofmoneyand
7security.
8butnow
9inthesestrangestoftimes,
10partsofthestructuresuddenly
11topple,
12takingwithitsomeofthemodestly
13rich
14onalong
15darkride.
16othersremainuntouched,
17butintoday'snewspaperIread
18thatsomeofthese850,000dollarhomes
19havebeenbuiltoveraland
20fill.
21drivewaysarecracking,
22backyardsaresinking,
23housesaretilting,wallsand
24foundationsarecracking,
25thereareloudexplosionsinthe
26night.
27therearesinkholesintheground
28fromwhichemanate
29stinkinggasseswhichmay
30bepoisonousand
31explosive.
32thetreesaredyingand
33nothingwillgrowinthe
34yards.
35thehomesareun
36salable
37butstilltaxedatthe
38formerlevel.

[Page254]

39eventheponytrailsare
40sagging,dangerous.
41thehorsesstayintheir
42collapsingstables...

43thesewerethepeople
44whothoughttheyhad
45beatthe
46system,
47madetheeducatedand
48intelligent
49choices.

50now,theyare
51finished.
52andthebuildersandthe
53realtors
54whoswindledthem
55arelong
56gone
57tosafer,richer
58climes.

59Americathebeautiful
60suddenlyturned
61ugly
62timeaftertime,
63inlifeafterlife,
64inwayafterway,
65somewill
66alwaysbe
67classically
68screwed.

[Page255]

themail

1themailgetsheavier.
2moreandmoreletterstellingme
3whatagreatwriterI
4am,
5pluspoems,novels,novelettes,
6shortstories,paintings.
7somejustwantanautograph,
8adrawing,aword.
9otherssuggestanongoing
10correspondence.

11Ireadeverything,dumpevery
12thing,goaboutmy
13business.

14Iamawarethatnomanis
15a"great"writer.
16hemayhavebeena
17greatwriter,
18butit'saprocesswhich
19beginsagainandover
20again
21andallthepraise,
22thecigars,thebottlesof
23winesentin
24honor
25willnotgetthenext
26linedown,
27andthat'sallthatcounts,
28thepastis
29useless,
30nowisinthelapsof
31thegods
32asthecenturiesfall
33away
34intheirrotten
35swift
36luxury.

[Page256]

killinglife

1minorandtrivialcomplaints,
2constantlyaired,
3mightdriveasaintmad,
4letaloneacommongood
5oldboy(me).
6andworse,thosewho
7complain
8arehardlyawaretheydoit
9unlessfinallytold
10andevenfinallytold
11theydon'tbelieveit.
12andsonothingleads
13anywhere
14andit'sjustanotherday
15wasted,
16kickedintheass,
17mutilated
18whiletheBuddha
19sitsinthecorner
20smiling.

[Page257]

wait,itwillfindus

1adayatthetrack,
2followedbyaswiminthe
3pool,
4followedby5minutesinthe
5spa,
6followedbyashower,
7followedbyopeningthemail
8(notveryinteresting
9mail)
10thenthegoodwife
11recountssomeportionof
12herday,
13thesevencatsgreetme
14onebyone
15andtheeveninghas
16begun.

17fromoriginalhelltothis.
18canIbear
19it?
20canyou?

21don'tworry,
22hellwillreturn,grown
23stronger,
24itwillfindme
25again
26older,fatter
27andIwillreportthe
28mattertoyou,
29dearreader,
30inthefashionthat
31youhavebecome
32accustomed
33to.

[Page258]

thexfactor

1paininback,feelbloated,shouldcutmy
2toenails,
3smokinghere
4pastmidnight,
5radioturnedlow,
6warmnight,
7Ihavemyviewofthe
8freeway,
9I'mstillalive
10butnotsosureofthe
11others,
12Ikeepgettingapproachedby
13strangersattheracetrack
14whowanttotalk,
15theypushtheirfacestoo
16close,
17Iamstrickenbytheir
18eyes,
19theyjabberaway
20likemonkeysina
21zoo
22andfinally
23Ibreakaway,
24ridetheescalatora
25while,
26sometimesgooutto
27parking,
28walkinthesun,
29comeback,
30watchanothergod
31damnedhorse
32race.

33Ifeeltiredandbloated
34withit
35all,
36thinkingback
37now

[Page259]

38ontheday.
39yes,Iwon,yes.

40butI'vegottothinkof
41something
42else.
43maybeI'llhangaround
44ArtMuseums?
45no.
46awful.
47maybeI'llplaywith
48paints?
49ah,no.

50youknow,thissitting
51aroundwaitingto
52die,
53it'snotaverykind
54hobby.

55Iwatchthesmoke
56driftaboutthe
57room,turnupthe
58radio.

59Itellyou,Idon'tmind
60death
61butitpissesmeoff
62whentheanimals
63die.

64well,hereIam
65sittinginmyshorts,
66complaining
67again.

68andgettingpaid
69forit.

70whocouldhave
71everguessed?

[Page260]

evaluation

1ohyes,I'magoodguy,
2assoonasthetoiletpaper
3runslow,
4I'lltakeitoutandreplace
5it
6withafullfatroll.
7Idon'tlive
8alone
9andIamaware
10thatasuddenunwillingsearch
11ofthatdarkblank
12cardboard
13canjinxthistendermood
14orwriteacurse
15onthecooltile
16wall.

17goodguyslikemeareneededin
18thismorethandifficult
19world.

[Page261]

theyoung
1Iwatchthemgoingupanddownthehillontheir
2Suzukis,gunningthem,rippingthenightwith
3sound,thelightsarebright,upanddown
4thehilltheygo,it'sonlyThursday
5nightbutanynightwilldo,there'shardly
6anyplacetogo,gangterritoryacrossPacific
7AvenueandmoregangsonGaffeyStreet,only
8afewsafeblockstoplaywithandtheypark
9theirbikes,standaroundtalking,there'snot
10muchmoney,theysharejointsandafewpills,
11schooltomorrow,maybe,hell,maybenot.

12Istandoutfrontwateringapatchoflawn,maybethey

13seeme,andiftheydo,itdoesn'tmatter,I'mjust
14anotheroldfartinaworldofoldfarts,yetI
15feellikewalkingoverandsaying,"comeon,
16let'sfindsomethingtodo..."butIknowbetter,I
know
17thattheydon'tknowanymorethanIdoandthey
18areprobablymorescared,Ihadmyfling
19rippingatthewalls,Iusedtostandandbeat
20myhandsagainstthebricksuntiltheybledand
21Ikeptpunchingbuttheworldstayedthere
22unlikeable,monstrous,deadly.

23Iseethemtalking,thenshutoffthewater,drag
24thehosebackintotheyard,walkupthedrive
25andtheyareleftstandingintheworldIpassedonto
them,they
26arehopelesslyscrewed,castrated,denuded.

27thepassingofthetorchthroughthecenturies,
28theyhaveitnow.
29Thursdaynight,nowheretogo.
30Fridaynight.Saturday.Sunday.Monday.
31etc.
32theoldestyoungonearth.
33Thursdaynight.Thursdaynight.Thursday
34night.

35"comeon,let'sfindsomethingtodo..."

[Page262]

noreturnaddress

1Iamperishableandthat'sthebest
2part
3asthesnailcrawlsslowlyunder
4theleaf,
5astheladyinthecafe
6laughsanuglylaugh,
7asFranceburnsinpurple
8twilight.
9Iamperishable
10andgoodforthat
11asthehorsekicksaslatoutofthe
12barn,
13aswehurrytoward
14paradise,
15Iamperishableenough.
16placetheemptyshoesbeneaththe
17bed
18sidebyside.
19asthedoghowls
20thelastfrogpuffsand
21jumps.

[Page263]

yessirree!

1allourneighborsthinkthat
2weare
3weird.
4andwethinkthatthey
5are.
6andwe'reall
7on
8target.

[Page264]

snapshot(1985)

1flailingawayatinfinity
2thetinywingednightbug
3onitsback
4underthedesklamp
5kicksandstruggleswith
6threadlegs
7undertheheatofthe
8light
9asinthecornerofthe
10room
11myfatyellowcat
12liftshisleftleg
13high
14andlickshisprecious
15parts
16asintheharbornow
17aboatsuddenlylooses
18ahornsound

19thecatstiffens,stops
20licking

21thebugbecomes
22motionless

23then,
24bothatonce,
25theyreturntotheir
26former
27divertissements.

[Page265]

finished?

1thecriticsnowhaveme
2drinkingchampagneand
3drivingaBMW
4andalsomarriedtoa
5socialitefrom
6Philadelphia'sMainLine
7whichofcourse
8isgoingtopreventme
9fromwritingmyearthy
10andgrubbystuff.
11andtheymightbe
12right,
13Icouldbegettingtobe
14morelikethem,
15andthat'sascloseto
16deathasyoucan
17get.

18we'llsee.
19butdon'tburymeyet.
20don'tworryifIdrinkwith
21SeanPenn.
22justmeasurethepoems
23astheycomeoffthe
24keyboard.
25listenonlytothem.
26afterthislongfight
27Ihavenointentionof
28quittingshort.
29orlate.
30orsatisfied.

[Page266]

thevoiceofChinaski

1moderncomposersarewritingpiecesusing
2thevoiceofthewhale
3workingitinto
4music.

5thewhalehasafeedinggroundoftwenty
6squaremiles
7whichhepatrolsanduses
8alone

9untilthetimecomeswhenhestarts
10callingforhis
11mate
12thenthisvoiceissenttrumpetingthroughthe
13water

14thosewatersofusedtiresandinner
15tubes,oldblanketsandpianowire
16discardedtesttubesandburntoutSpanish
17bullfighters.

18getlonelyget
19horny.

20we'reallcaught
21thesame:
22goldfish
23dove
24dog
25tiger.

26sometimesevenmountains
27move
28boiloutin
29flame.
30youhaveme
31andthenunsandthemonkshave
32God.

[Page267]

quotable

1sheisanoldwoman
2now
3stillquitebeautiful
4shehasknownmany
5famous
6men.

7wearesittinginaMexicancafe
8andshetellsme,
9"Hemingwaywasanamazing
10man,he'dsitand
11maketheseoffhandremarks,
12oneafteranother,these
13astonishingtruthfulstatements..."

14Ilikethat.
15butIhavenothingto
16say.

17well,Ido.
18Itellher:"thered
19sauceinthelittlebowl
20isveryhotso
21don'tuseitunlessyou
22likethatsortof
23thing."

24suchstatementsdon't
25createalegend
26butforordinarymortals
27theystillhavea
28rather
29sturdy
30worth.

[Page268]

interview
1whatwouldyoudoifyouhad5minutesto
2live?heasked.

3nothing.

4really?

5yes,nothing.

6allright,supposeyouhad2
7weeks?

8nothing.

9comeon,don'tsaythat,be
10serious!

11IthinkI
12am.

13allright,supposeyouhad2
14months?

15eitherholdupabankortake
16up
17waterskiing.

18you'renotbeingserious
19aboutthiswhole
20thing.

21soIaskedhim:
22whatwouldyoudo
23ifyouhad2monthsto
24live?

25well,heanswered,I'd
26drinkandfuck,

[Page269]

27plenty.

28o.k.,putmedownfor
29thesamething.

30nowyou'retalking!
31hesaid.
32foramanwith2monthsto
33live
34helookedpretty
35satisfied.

[Page270]

theladywholooksforeveryoung

1isintrouble:
2thefamousplaceshehasgonetoforallthese
3yearsfor
4facelifts
5refusestogiveher
6another:
7theskinonherfaceisstretchedso
8tight
9thatshe'slikeaballoonaboutto
10burst
11andtheywillnotacceptthe
12responsibility
13ofhavinghersmileintoanother
14camera
15andexploding
16likeatomatoblastedbya
17firecracker
18alloverthelensandallover
19thepeople.

20poordoll.
21she'sjustanotheroneofour
22ageless
23stars.
24buthavecheer:she'llnever
25die:filmlastslongerthanwe
26do.

[Page271]

ananswer

1withinthepastsixyears
2therehavebeenfour
3differentrumorsthatI
4havedied.
5Idon'tknowwhobegins
6theserumors
7orwhy.
8andcertainlyhumans
9doworsethingsthan
10this.
11yetIalwaysfeelstrange
12whenImustinformpeople
13thatIam
14notyetdead.
15somebodyoutthere
16orperhapsseveral
17people
18evidentlygetsome
19hugesatisfaction
20inannouncingthatIam
21nolonger
22around.

23someday,
24somenight
25theannouncementwillbe
26true.
27toputitmildly,
28Iamnolonger
29young.
30butthesedeath
31wishers
32areanunsavory
33group,
34thesehyenas,
35thesevultures,
36thesefailedwriters,
37willalsosomeday

[Page272]

38bedead,
39theirpettybitterness,
40theirlyinggutless
41beingsswallowedby
42thedark.
43butforthemoment,
44Iamhere
45andtheselastlines
46areforthem:
47yourcowardicewill
48notbe
49missed
50andyouwere
51dead
52long
53before
54me.

[Page273]

amodel

1Iwanttobelikethat
2manwhoenteredthe
3restaurant
4tonight,
5heparkedrightin
6front
7ofthefront
8door.
9blockingoffagoodmany
10parkedcars,
11thenslammedhiscar
12doorshut,
13walkedin,
14hisshirthangingout
15overhisbig
16gut.
17whenhesawthe
18maitred',he
19said,"hey,Frank,
20getmeafucking
21tablebythe
22window!"
23andFranksmiledandfollowed
24him
25along.

26Iwanttobelike
27thatman.
28thisway'snot
29working.

30forover70years
31now.

[Page274]

mycompanion

1pissinginthetoiletbowl
2thecenturieswhirlpast
3me
4andthatlovelylady,
5Suicide,
6theonlylovely
7lady,
8appearsonceagain,
9sheknowsme.
10thewallsarecream
11yellow.

12Iflush,
13returnmypenistoits
14hidingplace,
15washmyfoolish
16hands,
17walkfromthe
18bathroomtothis
19room.

20shehasfollowed
21me.

22outsidethenightis
23pastmidnight.
24inside,thereisno
25time.

26Iuncapthebeer
27bottle,
28swallowdown
29Rome,
30Carthage,
31yesterdayand
32thechurningof
33now.

[Page275]

34shewatchesme
35andwaits.

36Iscratchmyneck
37astheentire
38earth
39comesinthrough
40thewindow.
41ithasaform.
42theformisa
43bodyofdark
44air.

45theladywaits
46formylove
47asInoticethe
48hairsonmy
49arms,
50theveinson
51myhands.

52Ilightacigar,
53inhale,then
54exhaleacloud
55ofsmoke.

56Iliftthebeer
57bottle
58assomewhere
59inthenight
60adogbarks
61rapidly,
62fivetimes,
63then
64stops.

[Page276]

thebarometer

1whenIwasveryyoung
2Ihearditfrom
3myparentsafterthey
4discoveredafew
5earlystories
6hiddeninmyroom:
7"THISISUGLY!
8THISISSHAMEFUL!"
9Iwasfinally
10evictedfromtheir
11home
12(whichwas
13myfirstpieceofgood
14luck).

15then
16afterdecadesof
17havingmywork
18rejected
19Ihadsmallbits
20published
21hereandthere
22onlytofindmany
23criticstotally
24outraged
25bymy
26efforts.

27well,myparents
28weredead,
29theytooktheplace
30ofmy
31deadparents.
32Iacceptedthe
33justiceof
34this.

35thenI

[Page277]

36marriedand
37nowIhear
38mymother
39inlaw
40assheexclaimsto
41mywife:
42"WHYDOESHEHAVE
43TOWRITETHAT
44WAY?
45WHYDOESHE
46DOIT?"

47well,youknow,
48thosevoices
49pastandpresentare
50alwaysgoingtobe
51there.
52orhopefully
53theyalwayswill
54be.

55whentheystop
56Iwillknow
57thatIhavelost
58myspirit,
59Iwillknow
60Ihavelost
61touchwiththe
62directline
63tothemad
64and
65laughing
66gods.
67Iwillseemy
68photoonthe
69coverof
70TIME
71andIwillbe
72taughtinhigh
73schoolEnglish

[Page278]

74alongwith
75Hawthorneand
76Whittier.

77aslongasthe
78motherinlaw
79andmanyothers
80protest
81Iwillknowthat
82Iamonthe
83trailof
84alivingand
85lively
86thing.

87notthatIwrite
88inorderto
89creategreatand
90ennobling
91works
92butifthey
93becomeso
94andfinally
95silence
96thegrating
97bellowsof
98idiots,
99thenletthat
100be
101that.
102foolssometimescreate
103geniusbytheir
104persistence
105andtheir
106pukingempty
107unjustified
108horror,
109unmitigated.

[Page279]

therivers

1theriversofhellaremine,theyaren'tyours,
2they'remine,flowinghotanddirtyand
3endless,
4they'remine,allmine,
5special,
6forme,
7nobodyelse,
8they'remine
9rushingmealong,
10nightandday,
11weekafterweek,monthaftermonth,
12yearafteryear,
13they'remine,
14youhearme?

15Inolongertrytoclimbout,
16Igowiththerivers,
17Italktotherivers,
18Itellthemthings
19like,
20"Iknowyou.
21we'vebeentogetheralong
22time.
23Iexpectnothing
24else."

25werushtowarddeath
26andneitherofus
27givesadamnabout
28death,
29we'vegotourowngame
30going.

31theriversofhellaremine,
32mine,
33theriversofhell
34flowing
35moving

[Page280]

36withme,
37myhellscanonlybe
38myhells,
39ifthey'reminenowand
40maybe
41forever,
42sobe
43it.

[Page281]

dark,anddarker

1ifIcanfindonehourofpeaceaday
2Icansurvive.
3that'soneoldfashionedhour,60minutes,
4onehour,please,letmehaveitnow,today,
5thisday,thisnight,whichisalmostover.
6letmehavethathour,somethingisclosing
7in,fast.

8whatahorrorshowithasbeen,tohavebeen
9putupontheearthforthis,it'sunreasonable,
10it'sbeyond
11reason.

12ascreechingdoom.

13itbegansolongago.

[Page282]

theroom

1nothingchanges,
2Iambackedintothissmallroom
3likealltheothersmall
4rooms.

55decadesago
6Isatasayoungman
7beforeamachine,
8thedoorclosed,
9theshadespulled
10down.

11nowitisnotthesame
12machineor
13thesame
14youngman.

15theradioplays
16andasIhitthekeys
17Irecognizetheclassical
18music,
19Iheardithalfacentury
20before.

21"peaceandquietarein
22yourfuture."
23wasthemessageina
24fortunecookieIopened
25thisweek.
26andIthought,maybedeath
27willbe
28that.

29backedintothissmallroom,
30Imakemylast
31stand.

32thewallsrisesplendidly

[Page283]

33up,
34mycigarettesmokeand
35themusic
36rise.

37thewordsbiteintothe
38page.

39mywristwatchonthe
40desksays
411:55a.m.

42thedooris
43open.
[Page284]

thetwotoughest

1there'sthisbigguycomestoseeme,hesitsin
2thisbigchairandstartssmokingcigars
3andIbringoutthewine
4andwepouritdown.
5thebigguygulpsthemdownandIgulp
6rightalongwithhim.
7hedoesn'tsaymuch,he'sastoic.

8whenotherpeoplevisittheysay,"Jesus,Hank,
9whatdoyouseeinthatguy?"
10andIsay,"hey,he'smyhero,everymanhastohavea

11hero."

12thebigguyjustkeepslightingcigarsanddrinking.
13heneverevengetsuptopiss,hedoesn'thave
14to.
15hedoesn'tbother.

16hesmokestencigarsanightandmatchesme
17drinkfordrink.
18hedoesn'tblink.
19Idon'teither.

20evenwhenwetalkaboutwomenwe
21agree.

22it'sbestwhenwe'realonebecausehenever
23talkstotheotherpeople.

24andIneverrememberseeinghim
25leave.
26inthemorninghischairisthere
27andallthecigarstubsand
28alltheemptybottlesbuthe's
29gone.

30whatIlikebestisheneverdisturbsthe
31imageIhaveofhim,

[Page285]

32he'satoughsonofabitchandI'ma
33toughsonofabitch
34andwemeetaboutonce
35every3monthsandputonour
36performance.

37anythingmorethanthatwould
38wipeus
39both
40out.

[Page286]

thedarkeninglight

1therearemoreandmore
2oldpeople,middleaged
3people,youngpeople,
4children,babies,
5deaths,marriages,
6divorces,wars,
7diseases,
8sparrows,
9songs,
10cars,
11you,
12us,
13me
14sittingatatableordering
15thiscupofcoffeeasthe
16mudlark
17strangles.

[Page287]

thosegoodpeople

1theworstcelebritiesoftensupportthemostnoble
2causes,
3somebecausesodirectedbytheir
4publicityagents,
5others,ofthelessfamous
6variety,
7outoftheirneedtobe
8acceptedasgood
9souls.

10bewarethesewhorallytoooftento
11popularcauses,
12notbecausethecauseis
13necessarilywrong
14butbecausetheirmotiveis
15selfservingthecausebeing
16theircause.
17thosepeoplewhoswarmto
18theringingofbellsand
19speechestothegatheringsof
20therighteously
21indignant
22andoftenthosewho
23ringthebellsandgivethe
24speeches
25arefarworseashumans
26thanthatorthosetheymight
27praiseorsupport
28orpreachorrail
29against.

30think,wouldyouwant
31oneofthese
32smilingonyourcouch
33onarainyMarchnight
34or
35anynight
36atall?

[Page288]

horsefly

1thepimpledyoungmanwithhiscaponbackwards
2cameuptomeattheracetrack
3andasked,"whodoyou
4like?"andIanswered,
5"don'tyouknowthatwhenyoutalkaboutthat
6thehorsenever
7runs?"
8heactedasifhehadn't
9heard:"whodoyoulikeinthe
10exacta?"
11"Idon'tbetexactas,"Itold
12him.
13"why?"he
14asked.
15"becausetheytake20percentoff
16thetop,"Iresponded.
17heactedasifthathadnothing
18todowithanything.
19inafurtherefforttodeletehimfrom
20thescene
21Istated,"Idon'tbetdailydoubles,
22parlays,quinellasor
23trifectas."
24itwasuseless:"whodoyoulike
25inthisrace?"heasked
26again.

27"YourMother'sAss,"
28Iinformed
29him.

30ashecheckedhisprogram
31Iwalked
32off.

[Page289]

nightcap

1thereisnoavengingangelorredburningdevil
2thereisonlymesittinghere
3attheageof70
4playingwiththeword.
5Ihavebeenplayingwiththewordforso
6manydecadesnow.
7sometimespeopleseemeonthestreet
8andgetexcited.
9"calmdown,"Itellthem,"it'snothing."

10thegodshavebeenkindtome,being
11neitherinaninstitutionora
12madhouseorahospital.
13consideringall
14myhealthisremarkably
15good.
16believeme,IhadnoideaIwould
17livethislong,Ihadplannedan
18earlyexitandlivedwithareckless
19abandon.
20don'tbeangry,Idon'twantto
21hogthestageforever.
22ifsomebodyfairlygoodcomes
23alongIwillgladlystep
24aside.
25Iwillwritethestuffonlyformyself
26andtomyself,
27whichiswhatIhavebeen
28doingrightalong.

29yes,yes,I'vebeenluckyand
30stillam,andpleasebepatient,
31Iwillleavesomeday,
32Iwillnolongerdefilethesepages
33withmyrawandsimple
34lines.
35Iwillbecomestrangelyquiet
36andthenyoucan

[Page290]

37relax.
38butfornow,tonight,Iam
39working,
40classicalmusicisagainon
41theradio,
42Isquareoffwiththe
43computer
44andthewordsformand
45glowonthescreen.
46sonofabitch,youhave
47noidea,ithasbeena
48wildandlovely
49ride.

50nowIfillmyglass
51anddrinktoitall:
52tomyloyalreaders
53whohavekeptmeoff
54skidrow,
55tomywifeandmy
56catsandmyeditor
57andtomycar
58whichwaitsinthe
59driveway
60totransportmetothe
61racetracktomorrow
62andtothelastline
63Iwilleverwrite.
64ithasbeenamiracle
65beyondall
66miracles.

67"here'smudinyour
68eye!"asweusedtosay
69inthethirties.

70thankyou.

[Page291]

action

1Iamupstairsinpajamasandbathrobe,
2itisonea.m.
3thenIhearit:awomanscreaming,
4itsoundsasifsomebodyisbeing
5murdered,
6therearethuddingandcrashing
7sounds,
8it'ssimplybrutal,
9Iwalkdownthestairwayandout
10thefrontdoor.
11mywiferemains
12inside.
13Iwalkdownthedrivewaytothe
14street.
15it'sacrossthestreetand3houses
16down,
17aredcarappearstobeparked
18cockeyed,halfinthedrive,half
19inthestreet,
20thescreamingcontinues
21andthebrutalsounds,
22thentheredcar
23veersaround,pointsdownthe
24hillandscreeches
25off.

26thebigkidfromthecorner
27house
28walksovertowhereIam
29standing.
30"whatthehell's
31happening?"Iask
32him.

33"someguybreakingall
34thewindowsoutofa
35woman'scar."

[Page292]
36"holyshit."

37thebigkidhadhiscar
38shotfullofholes
39onenight
40about6monthsback
41whilehe
42slept.

43theoldneighborhood
44isgone.

45thenacarroarsout
46ofthatsamedrive
47backwards
48anditgoes
49roaringuptothe
50topofthehill,
51driving
52backwards.

53thenitsitsatthe
54topofthe
55hill
56withthemotor
57runningandthe
58lights
59off.

60thepolicearrive
61then,
62parktheircaroutside
63ofthathouse,
64redlightswhirling.
65theyaretalkingto
66someofthepeople
67fromthe
68house.

69thentheguy

[Page293]

70atthetopofthe
71hill
72revshisengine
73loudly,
74slamsitintogear
75androars
76fullspeed
77pastthehouseand
78downthe
79hill.

80thecopsjumpinto
81theircar,
82morescreeching,
83it
84flashesdown
85thehill
86afterhim.

87"nicetomeetyou,"
88Itellthebigkid,
89"mynameis
90Hank."

91"I'mEddie."

92weshakehands.

93"gottago,Eddie,
94calmdownmy
95wife..."

96"metoo,Hank,
97watchyour
98ass."

99"youtoo,baby."

100Iwalkupthedrive
101andintothe

[Page294]

102house.

103"whatwasit?"
104sheasks.

105"lovegone
106wrong."

107"anybodyhurt?"
108"Idon'tthinkso,
109notyet."

110Isitdownonthe
111couchnextto
112her.
113DavidLettermanis
114on.

115hedoesn'tknow
116whatthehellaboutanything,
117makesafaceintothe
118camera.
119Igetupandgofor
120abottleof
121wine.

[Page295]

playtime

1wenttoaJapaneserestaurantwithmy
2wife,sheorderedtea.
3Iorderedbeerin
4thebottle,toldthewaiter,"noglass,"
5andhestoodthereandasked,
6"noglass?"andIresponded,
7"that'sright."
8someheadsturned.
9whenthebeerarrivedI
10lifteditandhadagoodhit.
11thewaitercamebackagain
12andsmiled,"noglass?"
13"thankyou,"Isaid,"noglass."
14thenweorderedourmeals.
15whenthewaiterleftmywife
16said,"pleasegetaglass,Hank."
17"Ipreferitthisway,"Isaid.
18"I'mnotgoingtobeableto
19eat,"shesaid.
20Iliftedthebottleextrahigh,
21helditlikeIwasplayinga
22highnoteonacoronet,
23hadagoodhit.
24"youbastard,"mywife
25said.
26Ismiled.
27god,Iwasbad.
28anditwasstillonly9p.m.
29onaSunday
30night.
31plentyoftimetoreally
32fuckup.
33I
34yawned.

[Page296]

poemformy71stbirthday

1yes,I'mstillhere,doingaboutwhatI'vealways
2done,althoughtherearesomemomentsof
3hesitation
4likeI'llbeattheplateandthebigguyout
5therewillbeaboutreadytofireonein
6andI'llcalltime,stepoutsidethebatter's
7box,knocksomedirtoffmycleats,look
8around,therearesometimesblindingflashesof
9lightinmyeyes
10butI'llgathermyself,shakeitoff,getback
11inthebox,feelthepowerreturning,I
12can'twaitforthebigguy'snextpitchandit
13comesin,aslider,bastardcan'tfoolme,
14Igetthewoodonit,itgoesoutofthere,
15wayoutofthereandItrotthebases
16astheyoungguyscursemeundertheir
17breath;toobadfellows,youseeyou
18havetohaveafeelforitandaslongas
19it'sthere,youkeepgoing,andwhen
20youcan'tdoitanymore,you'llstillbe
21askingforonemoreturnatbat,justto
22bethere,eventoswingandmiss,it'sthe
23doingthatgetsitdone,
24don'tyouunderstandthis?

25likethisonehere,it'sprobablyonly
26asingleorashorthoppertothe
27shortstop,
28butI'vehadmyswing
29andI'llbebackafewtimes
30more,
31thebigguydoesn'thaveme
32outofhere
33yet.
[Page297]

slownight

1caughtoutoffocus,
2timeisthin,
3myslippersare
4on,
5thecatsareasleep,
6organmusicon
7theradio,
8Ilightacigar,
9strugglefora
10gentle
11sanity.
12Ihaveeaten,
13Ihavebathed.
14thebottleis
15unopened.

16oh,iftheboys
17couldseeme
18now.
19orifIcouldsee
20them,
21the"them"that
22areleft.

23Iwillsoonsleep,
24mytoespointed
25north.

26tomorrow,ifit
27comes,couldbe
28somewhat
29better.

30meanwhile,I
31turnoffthedesk
32lamp,
33rise,
34walktowardthe

[Page298]

35bedroom
36followedby
371,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,
3810,11,12,13,14,15,
3916,17,18,19,20,
4021,22,23,24,25,26,
41twentyseven
4228,29,30,31,32,33,
4334,35,36,37,38,39,
4440,41,42,43,44,45,
4546,47,48,49,50,51,
4652,53,54,55,56,57,
4758,59,60
48sixtyone
4962,63,64,65,66,67,
50sixtyeight
5169,70,
5271
53years.

54tojointhegoodwife
55whoendures
56me.

[Page299]

theracetracksalutesyou!

1MILITARYDAY,
2SundaySept.8
3FREEGrandstandAdmissionfor
4ALLActiveDuty,Reserves,Retired,
5Widows,Widowers&Dependents

6PresentI.D.atspeciallymarkedgates.

7wehopeyouwin
8thistime.

[Page300]

alone

1iftherewereonlysomehelpfromthe
2otherwriters,somelift,somegamble,
3somefire,
4buttheyarelax,
5hangbetweennowhereandnowhere,
6ithurtstheheadandthegutto
7readthem
8andwhenIamfeelingparticularly
9bad
10asIamtonight
11there'snoplacetogofora
12boostoralaugh
13orevenasmall
14loan,
15nothingtodobut
16pouranotherdrink
17lookabouttheroom
18atanything
19achair,ashoe,aboxof
20toothpicks,
21Irealizethatthereis
22onlyonewriterIcango
23to,
24he'sgottodoitfor
25me
26onceagain,
27getthatlinedown
28briskandclean
29tomakethesnarlingwomen
30laugh,
31tomakethelionturninhis
32dream,
33tomakethedeadarmies
34flower,
35tobecomeyoungagain,
36freshasalightning
37flash,
38toconsumethemonster

[Page301]

39ofsorrow,
40tobreakhorrorwith
41justyour
42fingers,to
43stranglethe
44darkness.

45now
46doit
47doit

48thegodsarelaughing
49already.

[Page302]
thejoke

1itoftenhappenswhenthepartyis
2goingwell,
3somebodywillsay,"waitaminute,that
4remindsme,Iheardthis
5joke,itwillonlytakeaminuteandI
6promisenottotell
7morethanone."

8heleansforwardandbeginstotell
9it,andthisistheworstpartbecause
10youknowitwillnotbefunny,andevenworse
11thanthat,notevenplausible,buthegoes
12onasyourstomachfeelsasifyouhad
13eatenarottenegg,youreachthepunch
14linelongbeforehegetstoit,thenhe
15finishes,
16looksabout.

17thereissilence,nolaughter,noteven
18asmile.

19"wait,"hesays,"don'tyougetit?"

20"Iunderstand,"Itellhim.

21thenheleansback,thinksthatI
22havenosenseofhumor,havehada
23badday,orthathehasoverestimatedmy
24intelligence.

25hecouldberightonallcounts,Iknow
26thatIoftenwatchfamouscomedians
27whomakemillionstellawfuljokes
28whiletheaudienceroarswith
29appreciationandacrossthenation
30numberlessothersjoininfromtheir
31livingrooms
32asIsitthereandthink,this

[Page303]

33stuffisbad,verybad,there's
34littledoubtabout
35it.
36yetsomedrunksitsinaroom
37withme
38andisoffendedbecauseI
39don'trollontherug
40whenhelaysa
41deadeggthatmakeseven
42thegods
43cringe.

44buttheyareneveroffended
45enoughnottoreturn
46andtossinanewjokeasbad
47asthefirst,orworse,
48returningtothefirst,
49havingforgottentheprevious
50agony.

51inallmydecadesofjoke
52listening
53I'veonlyheardonethatis
54worthwhile,
55itgoeslikethis
56nowait,I'veforgotten
57it.

58you're
59lucky.

[Page304]

Glasgow

1doyoumeaninScotland?he
2asked.
3I'mgoingtosendsomepoems
4there,Isaid.
5youmeantheyhavemagazines
6there?heasked.
7yes,Ianswered,
8writersandmagazines
9areeverywhere,evenyourmother
10isawriterandherassisbigandbeautiful.
11nowwaitaminute,hesaid.
12Iwaitedaminute.
13Icantakeyou,hesaid.
14where?Iasked.
15allthewayout,hesaid.
16there'snothingbetweenusbutspace,
17Isaid,andifyouwanttoclosethat
18space,that'suptoyou.
19you'vegotabigmouth,hesaid.
20andyourmother'sgotagreatass,Isaid.
21whydoyoukeeptalkingaboutmymother'sass?
22heasked.
23becausethat'sallIseewhenIseeher,I
24answered.
25theydon'twantyourstuffinScotland,he
26said,theywon'tlikeitandIdon'tlikeit
27either.

28weweresittingatatableatthebeach
29onawindyTuesdayafternoon
30anddrinkinggreenbeer.
31wewerebothwritersbuthewasn'tas
32goodawriterasIwasanditpissedhim
33off.

34thenhismotherwalkedbacktoour
35tableandthenshesatdownwithus.

[Page305]

36shehadbeentothelady'sroom.

37Mary,Itoldher,I'mgoingtosendsome
38poemstoScotland.

39ordermeanotherbeer,shesaid.

40Igotthewaiter'seye,hecameover
41andIordered3morebeers.

42Maryspitonthefloorandthen
43litacigarette.

44Mary,Isaid,didanybodytellyou
45thatyouhavebeautifuleyes?
46theyglowlikebeaconsinthe
47fog.

48yeah?shesaid.

49Mom,saidtheotherwriter,don't
50believeanythinghesays.

51butIdo,shesaid.
52Mary,Isaid,you'vealsogota
53verybeautifulass.

54andyou'vegotafacelikea
55hyena,shesaid.

56thankyou,Mary.

57itwasawindyuselessafternoon,
58theseagullswerestarvingand
59angry,theycircled,
60squawking,landingonthe
61sand,pickingupuneatable
62bitsandthentossingthemaway,rising
63again,flying,terriblybeautiful

[Page306]

64inanunrealsortofwayandI
65hadhalfachickensandwichleft,
66Ihurleditoutthewindowand
67thebirdswentforit,andthesea
68keptpoundingandthefishkept
69swimmingandwesattherewith
70ourshoesonandourclotheson
71andIwasa
72betterwriterthanhebut
73thatdidn'ttakemuchanditdidn't
74reallymatter.
75thenMaryspilledherbeerinher
76lap,
77gotupandbrushedherselfoff
78withanapkin
79andthenIsawallthatass
80again
81asthewavesroaredand
82Isattherewithmybiggest
83hardonsince
841968.

[Page307]

owl

1Isawanowltonight.
2Isawmyfirstowltonight.
3hewassittinghighonthephonepole.
4mywifeshinedalightuponhim.
5hedidn'tmove.
6hejustsatthere
7illuminated,
8hiseyesshiningback.

9myfirstowl.
10mySanPedroowl.

11thenthephonerang.

12wewentinside.
13itwassomebodywhowantedto
14talk.
15thentheywerefinished.

16wewentoutsideandtheowl
17wasgone.

18damnthelonelypeople

19Imayneverseeanowl
20again.

[Page308]

Dostoevsky

1againstthewall,thefiringsquadready.
2thenhegotareprieve.
3supposetheyhadshotDostoevsky?
4beforehewroteallthat?
5Isupposeitwouldn'thave
6mattered
7notdirectly.
8therearebillionsofpeoplewhohave
9neverreadhimandnever
10will.
11butasayoungmanIknowthathe
12gotmethroughthefactories,
13pastthewhores,
14liftedmehighthroughthenight
15andputmedown
16inabetter
17place.
18evenwhileinthebar
19drinkingwiththeother
20derelicts,
21IwasgladtheygaveDostoevskya
22reprieve,
23itgavemeone,
24allowedmetolookdirectlyatthose
25rancidfaces
26inmyworld,
27deathpointingitsfinger,
28Iheldfast,
29animmaculatedrunk
30sharingthestinkingdarkwith
31my
32brothers.

[Page309]

mycomputer

1"what?"theysay,"yougota
2computer?"

3it'slikeIhavesoldoutto
4theenemy.

5Ihadnoideasomany
6peoplewereprejudiced
7against
8computers.

9eventwoeditorshave
10writtenmelettersabout
11thecomputer.

12onedisparagedthe
13computerinamildand
14superiorway.
15theotherseemed
16genuinely
17pissed.

18Iamawarethata
19computercan'tcreate
20apoem.
21butneithercana
22typewriter.

23yet,still,onceor
24twiceaweek
25Ihear:
26"what?
27youhavea
28computer?
29you?"

30yes,Ido
31andIsituphere

[Page310]

32almostevery
33night,
34sometimeswith
35beeror
36wine,
37sometimes
38without
39andIworkthe
40computer.
41thedamnthing
42evencorrects
43myspelling.

44andthepoems
45comeflying
46out,
47betterthan
48ever.

49Ihaveno
50ideawhatcauses
51allthis
52computer
53prejudice.

54me?
55Iwanttogo
56thenextstep
57beyondthe
58computer.
59I'msureit's
60there.

61andwhenIget
62it,
63they'llsay,
64"hey,youhear,
65Chinaskigota
66spacebiter!"

[Page311]

67"what?"

68"yes,it'strue!"

69"Ican'tbelieve
70it!"

71andI'llalsohave
72somebeeror
73somewine
74ormaybenothing
75atall
76andI'llbe
7785yearsold
78drivingithome
79to
80youandme
81andtothelittlegirl
82wholosther
83sheep.
84orher
85computer.

[Page312]

thankstothecomputer

1youwriteabadpoemandyoujust
2pressthe"delete"keyandwatchthe
3linesvanishasiftheyhadneverbeen,
4norippingpagesoutofthetyper,
5ballingthemupandtossingthemintothe
6wastebasket.

7theolderIgetthemoreIdelete.
8Imean,ifIseenothinginawork,what
9willthereadersee?

10andthecomputerscreenisatoughjudge,
11thewordssitandlookbackatyou,
12withthetypewriteryoudon'tseethem
13untilyoupulloutthe
14page.
15also,thekeyboardonacomputeris
16moreefficientthanthatonthe
17typer,withthecomputerthethoughts
18leapmorequicklyfromyourmindtoyour
19fingers,tothescreen.

20isthisboring?
21probably.
22butIwon'tdeleteitbecauseitisn'tboring
23me.

24IaminlovewithTHIS
25MACHINE

26seewhatitcando[Figure:65Kb][OpenFigure]

27nowlet'sgetbackto
28work.

[Page313]

safe

1thehousenextdoormakesme
2sad.
3bothmanandwiferiseearlyand
4gotowork.
5theyarrivehomeinearlyevening.
6theyhaveayoungboyandagirl.
7by9p.m.allthelightsinthehouse
8areout.
9thenextmorningbothmanand
10wiferiseearlyagainandgoto
11work.
12theyreturninearlyevening.
13by9p.m.allthelightsare
14out.

15thehousenextdoormakesme
16sad.
17thepeoplearenicepeople,I
18likethem.

19butIfeelthemdrowning.
20andIcan'tsavethem.

21theyaresurviving.
22theyarenot
23homeless.

24butthepriceis
25terrible.

26sometimesduringtheday
27Iwilllookatthehouse
28andthehousewilllookat
29me
30andthehousewill
31weep,yes,itdoes,I
32feelit.

[Page314]

33thehouseissadforthepeopleliving
34there
35andIamtoo
36andwelookateachother
37andcarsgoupanddownthe
38street,
39boatscrosstheharbor
40andthetallpalmspoke
41atthesky
42andtonightat9p.m.
43thelightswillgoout,
44andnotonlyinthat
45house
46andnotonlyinthis
47city.
48safeliveshiding,
49almost
50stopped,
51thebreathingof
52bodiesandlittle
53else.

[Page315]

3blacks

1it'smidwaythroughthecardatthe
2track.
3Iamstandingatatable,
4gettingmyfiguresreadyforthe
5nextrace.
6Iseethemapproaching,
7comingdownthe
8aisle.
9thebiggestoneis
10nearestme.
11ashewalksby
12hegivesmeabitof
13elbow.
14theykeepwalkingon.
15thenthebigoneturns,
16looksback
17toseehowIwillreact.
18hisfaceisblankashe
19looks.
20mineisblank.
21heturnsandwalkson.

22somethingaboutmebothered
23him:
24whiteskin.

25brother,that'sjustthewayit
26is.

27youdriveacar?

28whatcolorisit?

29don'tblamethe
30car.

[Page316]

lifelikeabigtenderglove

1oldguy,small,maybe67buthishairis
2purewhite,it'sthebestpartofhim.
3hecarriescoffeeinastyrofoamcup.
4heismovingtowardhisseat.
5heisknowntohisseatedcompatriots.
6"whatIlikeaboutyoufellowsisyouhavea
7senseofhumor."
8"screwyou,Eddie,"oneofthemanswers.
9hesitsdownwiththem.
10"anybodyhereneedawife?"
11"notyours,Eddie."
12theyaresilentthen.
13it's15minutestoposttime.
14theystudytheirRacingForms.
15allIcanseefromwhereIsitisthebacksof
16theirnecks,theiroldcoats.
17Idon'tknowwhybuttheyremindmeof
18birdsonawire.
19theyarethere5daysaweek.
20GodBlessAmerica.
21Igetupandheadtowardthemen'sroom,
22thinking,
23guessmyfatherwouldhaveneverguessedI'd
24enduplikethis:
25morestolidthanthebutcher,
26moreplacidthanawaitingdeckof
27cards,
28notabuttonunbuttoned,
29safefromthesaltofthegrumbling
30sun.
31yea,yea,yea.

[Page317]

theoldguyinthepianobar

1doesn'tknowhowbadheisinthat
2whitetableclothplace,
3he'sprobablyarelativeofthe
4owner
5andhesitsatthepianoandbangs
6out
7inthemostobvioustired
8manner
9JeromeKernorScottJoplin
10orGershwin
11andnobodyeverapplaudsor
12requestsatune,
13theyareintochewingor
14conversation.

15Idon'tfeelsorryforhim
16andhedoesn'tfeelsorry
17forme
18andpartofhisjobisto
19greetyouwhenyou
20enter
21lookingupfromhis
22keys
23andtosay
24goodnightasyou
25exit
26whilestillbangingat
27hiskeys.

28butIdohavea
29fantasy
30sometimeswhile
31sittingatmytable:
32Iseeitall:
33astrangerinadark
34overcoat,
35fedorapulled
36lowoverhis

[Page318]

37eyes
38reachesintothe
39overcoat
40andoutcomesa
41.45
42andhefiresfour
43shots,
44twointothepiano
45andtwointothe
46player.
47thenitissilent.
48themanrisesslowly,
49walksoutandis
50gone.

51andthepeople
52keepontalkingand
53laughinganddrinking
54andchewing
55andthewaiterwalks
56upandasksme,
57"iseverythingall
58right,sir?"

59andIanswer,
60"everythingis
61beautiful."

62"thankyou,sir,"
63hesaysand
64walksoff
65asapproaching
66us
67throughthenightis
68thesoundofa
69siren.

[Page319]

nightsandyears

1thedaysofhellarriveonschedule,
2aheadofschedule.
3andthenightsofhell.
4andtheyearsofhell.

5hellgnawingawaylikearat
6inyourbelly.

7hellinside.
8helloutside.

9thesepoorwords,
10tossedintohell,
11punchedsilly,sent
12running.

13Iwalkoutsideintothe
14night,
15lookup.
16eventhepalmtreesshriek
17inagony.

18theworldisbeingpounded
19byasenseless
20force.

21Igoinside,shutthe
22door.

23atthismachine,
24Iwritethesewordsfor
25nobody.

26thesunisdead.
27thedayisdead,
28thelivingaredead.

29onlyhelllives
30on.

[Page320]
quietinaquietnight

1Icanfeelmyselfgettingfat,oldand
2stupid.
3Iwheezeputtingonmyshoes.
4IamnolongersureifIhaveyears
5left,monthsleft,weeksleft,
6daysleft
7orifthelastminuteisarrowing
8in.
9nomatter.
10thisbottleof1983
11SaintEmilionGrandCruCass
12stillringsthedamnedgong,
13atleastI'veavoidedsittingaround
14withtheotheroldfarts
15sortingoutunprecious
16memories
17theyoungarenohelpeither,
18theyareshiningmirrorswithout
19reflection.

20deathsitsinthechairacrossfrom
21meandwatches.
22deathseesbuthasnoeyes.
23deathknowsbuthasnomind.

24weoftensittogetherinthenight.
25deathhasonemoveleft.
26Ihavenone.

27thisisanexcellentwine.
28itconnectsmewithinfinity.
29amanwithoutwineislikeafishwithout
30water,
31abirdwithoutwings.

32winerunsinthebloodofthetiger
33andme.

[Page321]

34deathisinferior
35tothis.
36itcanonlywinanobvious
37victory.
38deathgetsoutofthechairand
39standsbehind
40me.

41itisabeautifulnight.

42Ireachdownandpullalonghair
43frommyforearm.
44Itouchittomycigaretteandwatch
45itsizzleaway.

46Iamripe.
47thetreesoutsidearesilent.
48thereisnomore,
49noless.

[Page322]

alittlecafeon6thstreet

1wentinabout1:30p.m.
2orderedtheturkeysandwich
3onwheatplussome
4decaf,
5openedthepaperand
6waited.

7twomentomyleft
8talking:
9"well,Iwasn'tgoingto
10sayanythingbutIlookedat
11yourhaircutandIsaw
12somethingwas
13wrong..."

14"yeah,Iwaswatchingher
15inthemirrorandIthought,
16'hey,what'sshedoing?'"

17"Inoticeditright
18away...

19youshouldhavesaid
20something..."

21theywentontalkingabout
22thehaircutandIwenton
23reading.
24thesandwichanddecaf
25arrivedwithasideorder
26of
27slawandIbegan
28eating.

29"sheshouldhavetakenmore
30offtheleftside..."

[Page323]

31"yeah,yeah,she'salwaysgiven
32meagoodcutbefore..."

33"yeah,Imean,itdoesn'tlook
34badbutsomehowitdoesn'tlook
35right,you
36know?"

37"Iknow...Imightnotgo
38back..."

39then
40oneofthemen
41askedforsome
42cherrypie:

43"Ireallyliketheir
44cherrypie..."

45"metoo...!"

46Ifinishedmymeal
47leftthetip
48gotupandwalkedtothe
49cashregisternearthe
50door.

51themenwereintotheir
52cherrypies:

53"Iwasn'tgoingtosay
54anything,it'sreallynota
55bigthing,youknow...but
56IthoughtI'dbettertell
57you..."
58"oh,Iknew..."

59"it'llgrowout,you'll
60beallright..."

[Page324]

61"whenitdoes,Idon'tthink
62I'mgoingback..."

63"it'snotthatbad,it's
64just..."

65Ipaidandwalkedoutside
66andmycarwasthereand
67Igotinanddroveaway
68butIhadtostopforared
69light
70atPacific
71and
72theturkeyonwheatand
73theslawandthe
74decaf
75huddledandbuckedin
76mystomach

77andasIgotthegreenlight
78Ithought
79Imightnot
80gobackthere
81either.

[Page325]

deathinthemodernage

1Iamwritinganovelnowandonewayor
2theotherIhavelost4chaptersinthis
3computer.
4nowlikeeverythingelse
5thisisn'tsuchanimportantthing
6unlessithappensto
7you.

8likedrivingthefreeway
9youmightseethreeorfourcars
10crashedandsmoking
11buttheeffectisonlymomentary.
12inafewmomentsyouarethinking
13aboutsomething
14else.

15likeyou'llreadthispoemand
16think,toobad,well,helost4
17chapters
18butcouldn'thehavewrittena
19poemabout
20reamingsomewhoreina
21motelroom
22instead?

23painseekseachindividual
24separately
25andthat'swherehell
26begins
27stays
28festers
29celebrates
30its
31greatness.

32now.

[Page326]

toohot

1Iamherecourtesyoflife,
2sittingtonight,stiffnecked,weary;
395degreesnow
4thecatswillnotcomein,
5thereisnogunfireinthestreets,
6thiswholetownisroastingitsass,
7thedevilsinHellaresweaty;
8thereisscrewingonlyinair
9conditionedrooms.
10onea.m.,
11nosleep,nodreams,and
12themusicfromtheradiolimps
13throughtheair.
14eventhedismallylonelyforgetto
15phone.
16that'stheonlygoodpartof
17this.
18oh,thereareotherdecent
19parts:
20atleastthesurgeon'sknifeis
21notatwork.
22theflieszoomthroughthe
23fetteredspace
24andthere'snoneedto
25continuewritingthisdripping
26wetpoem.
27right?
28right.

[Page327]

thelastsong

1drivingthefreewaywhile
2listeningtotheCountryandWesternboys
3singaboutabrokenheart
4andthehonkytonkblues,
5itseemsthatthingsjustdon'twork
6mostofthetime
7andwhentheydoitwillbefora
8shorttime
9only.
10well,that'snotnews.
11nothing'snews.
12it'sthesameoldthingin
13disguise.
14onlyonethingcomeswithouta
15disguiseandyouonlyseeit
16once,or
17maybenever.
18likegettinghitbyafreight
19train.
20makesusrealizethatallour
21moaningaboutlonglostgirls
22inginghamdresses
23isnotsoimportant
24after
25all.

[Page328]

reunion

1thecatsprayedinmy
2computer
3andknockedit
4out.
5nowI'mbacktothe
6old
7typer.

8it's
9tougher.
10itcanhandle
11catspray,spilledbeer
12andwine,
13cigaretteand
14cigarashes,
15damnednear
16anything.

17remindsmeof
18myself.

19welcomeback,
20oldboy,
21fromthe
22oldboy.

[Page329]

disgusting

1I'vegotthislargeplasticfloaterwithheadrest
2andIgetontoit
3andfloataboutthepool
4lookingupatthetallmajestyofthetrees
5throughtheunclearCaliforniaair
6Ipaddleaboutsearchingfor
7differentviews.
8someofmycats
9sittingattheedgeofthepool,
10stare,
11thinkingthatIhavegone
12crazy.
13maybeIhave.
14theyareusedtoseeingme
15sleepingor
16atthecomputer
17theydon'tmind
18that.
19butthis?
20haveIturnedintoa
21fish?
22orwhat?

23Iflipoffmyfloatingbed,
24sinkdownintotheblue
25pool,
26riseup,
27swimtothe
28edge.

29Iclimbout,
30walktowardmy
31towel.

32dinnersoon
33andtheboxingmatcheson
34tv,
35laterabottleof

[Page330]

36cabernet.

37it'ssonice,this
38roadto
39hell.

[Page331]

Bach,comeback

1sittinginthisoldchair,listeningtoBach,
2themusicsplashesacrossme,refreshing,delightful.

3Ineedit,tonightIfeellikeamanwhohascome
back
4fromthesameoldwar,deathinlife,
5asmygutssaynotagain,notagain,tohavefought
6sohardforwhat?
7toooften,theonlyescapeissleep.
8Bachsavesme,momentarily.

9sooftenIhearmyfatherlaughing,thedeadlaughter

10ofthefatherwhoseldomlaughedinlife
11islaughingnow.
12thenIhearhimspeak:"Youhaven'tescapedme.
13Iappearinnewformsandworkatyouthrough
14them.
15I'mgoingtomakesurethathellneverstopsfor
16you."

17thenBachisback.
18Bachcouldn'tyouhavebeenmyfather?
19nonetheless,youmakemyhell
20bearable.

21Ihavecomebackfromsuicide,theparkbench,itwas
a
22goodfight
23butmyfatherisstillintheworld,
24hegetsverycloseattimes
25andsuicidecreepsbackintomybrain,
26sitsthere,sitsthere.

27asoldasIhavegotten,
28thereisstillnownopeace,
29noplace,
30andithasbeenmonthssinceI,
31myself,havelaughed.

32nowBachhasstopped
33andIsitinthisoldchair.

[Page332]

34oldman,oldchair.

35Istillhavethewalls,Istillhavemy
36deathtodo.
37Iamalonebutnotlonely.

38weallexpectmorethanthere
39is.

40Isitinundershirt,stripedpants,slippers.

41hellhasahead,hellhasfeetandamouth,
42hellhashairandnostrils,
43hellcurvesdownandencirclesme
44andIthinkofbridges,windows,
45buildings,sidewalks,
46lastNewYear'sEve,
47aneyeballinthesand,
48thedogs,thedogs,runninginthis
49roomnow,
50eightofthem,
51nineofthem,
52manyofthem,
53comingcloserandcloser,
54Iwatchthem,
55Iwait,
56oldinmyslippers,
57somethingcuttingthroughme,
58thedarknighthummingand
59nolaughter,
60nolaughter
61ever
62again.

[Page333]

themodernlife

1justlostanotherpoeminthis
2computer.
3Idon'tbelieveitwas
4immortal.
5neitherwasthisday
6ornight.
7notwhenallyou
8canremember
9isthe4horsebreaking
10throughthegate
11andspillingthejock
12intheyellowsilks
13astheman
14infrontofyou
15bitintoahotdog
16likeamongrel
17dog
18asthemarketwent
19down
20andVanGogh
21up.

[Page334]

mailbag

1aschizophrenic
2inDallas
3writesmeabouthis
4problems:
5he
6hearsvoices,
7he's
8hookedon
9Beckett,
10alsohisshrink
11makeshim
12sittoolong
13inthewaiting
14room.

15he'ssupported
16byhis
17mother
18andhefollows
19women's
20softball.

21alsoherecently
22won
232ndprize
24inachili
25cookoff.

26yououghttocome
27toAustin,
28hewrites,
29you'dlove
30Austin.

31Ifilehisletter
32inwiththe
33otherletters
34fromschizophrenics.

[Page335]

35I'vebeento
36Austin.

[Page336]

selfinvited

1well,strapmyassonbackwards,phoneChina,
2runthebirdsoffthewire,
3buyapaintingofareddoveandremember
4HerbertHoover.
5whatIamtryingtosayisthat6nightsoutofthe
6last8therehavebeenvisitors,allselfinvited,
and
7likemywifesays,"wedon'twanttohurttheir
feelings."
8sowehavesatandlistenedtothem,some
9famousandsomenotso,somefairlybright
10andentertaining,somenotso
11butitallendsupaschatter,chatter,chatter,
voices,
12voices,voices,apoliteheadywhirlofsoundand
13there'salonelinessthere:theyallwanttobe
accepted
14inonewayoranother,
15theywanttobelistenedto,andthat'sunderstandable
but
16Iamoneofthosehumanbeingswhowouldrathersit
quietly
17withmywifeand6cats(orIliketositupstairs
alone
18doingnothing).
19theideaisthatIamselfishandthatpeople
20diminishme;thelongerIsitandlistentothem
21themoreemptyIfeelbutIdon'tget
22theideathattheyfeelempty,Ifeel
23thattheyenjoythesoundfromtheir
24mouths.

25andwhentheyleavealmostallmakealittlegesture
26towardafuturevisit.
27mywifeisnice,makesthemfeelwarmastheyexit,
she's
28agoodsoul,sogoodasoulthatwhen,say,weeatout
and
29chooseatableshetakesaseatwhereshecan"seethe

30people"andItakeaseatwhereIcan't.

31allright,soIwasforgedbythedevil:all
32humankinddisinterestsmeandno,it'snotfear
although
33certainthingsaboutthemarefearful,andit'snot
34competitionbecauseIdon'twant
35anythingthattheywant,it'sjustthat
36inallthosehoursof

[Page337]

37voicesvoicesvoices
38Ihearnothingeitheressentiallykindordaringor
noble,
39andnottheleastbitworthallthetimeshotthrough
40thehead.

41youcanrememberwhenyouusedtorunthemoutinto
the
42nightinsteadoflettingthemwindthemselves
43down,
44thosewiththeirlonelywishforcompany,andyouare
45ashamedofyourselfforputtingupwiththeirmostly
pure
46crap
47butotherwiseyourwifewouldsay
48"doyouthinkthatyouaretheonlypersonlivingon
49earth?"

50yousee,that'swherethedevil'sgot
51me.

52soIlistenandtheyare
53fulfilled.

[Page338]

old

1Iseetheoldmenattheracetrack,theyarebent,
carry
2canes,theirhandstremble,Irideuptheescalators
with
3them.
4wedon'tspeak.
5IamolderthanmostofthemandIwonderwhy
6thelightsareoutforthem?
7dotheystillhopetowinthePulitzerPrizeorto
cupthe
8breastsofyoungmaidensintheir
9hands?
10whydon'ttheyjustfinishanddie?
11I'mreadytogoanydamnedtime,I'lleventakethem
12withme,2or3ofthem,orahalfdozen,adozen:
13theirwrinkledwhiteskinsandtheirillfitting
14dentures,
15letthemstiffenupandclearthespaceforclean
16freshlightning!
17whatgoodtolinger?
18forthebedpanlastchapter?
19forthenursewiththetelevisionmind,halfthe
weight
20ofherbodyinflanksandbuttocks?

21whyhonortheold?
22it'sjustthestubbornnessofgenes,atricktokeep
23avoidexisting.
24almostallhavelivedlivesofobedienceand
25cowardliness.
26whynothonortheyoung?
27theirlivesarejustbeginningtorot.
28whyhonoranybody?
29but,please,nottheold.

30inthenextwartheoldshouldfighttheold
31whiletheyoungdrinkanddreamand
32laugh.

33theseoldfucks
34bettingtwodollarstoshow
35attheracetrack.

[Page339]

36it'slikebeingdeadandrollingover
37inthegravetofindamore
38comfortable
39position.

[Page340]

theyoungpoets

1theyoungcomfortablepoetssendtheirworkto
2me,
3usually3or4veryshort
4poems.
5somearefairlyable,
6buttheylackthe
7textureofmadnessand
8gamble,
9theinventivenessofthe
10wildandthe
11trapped.

12thereisacomfortthere
13which
14disconcerts.
15thenthereisthework
16oftheStreetPoets.
17beingontheskids,they
18shouldhavesome
19lifeadvantages,they
20shouldnotbedebilitated
21by
22pretense.
23buttheyarefullof
24it.
25mostoftheiroutputis
26abouthowtheyare
27not
28recognized,thatthe
29gameis
30fixed,
31thattheyaretruly
32thegreat
33ones
34andtheygoon
35about
36that,whilewriting

[Page341]

37littleofanything
38else.

39eachweek
40oneortwolittle
41packetsarrive
42fromeitherthe
43StreetPoetsor
44thecomfortable
45poets.

46kindnessdoesnot
47workwitheither
48group.

49anyresponseto
50theirwork
51begetsmore
52work
53plustheir
54longletters
55expounding
56againstthe
57fates
58asifnobody
59butthemselves
60everhadto
61dealwith
62them.

63andifyoufailto
64respondto
65that,inmostcases,
66therewillbe
67subsequent
68letters
69whichrailagainst
70your
71inhumanity:
72youtooare

[Page342]

73againstthem,
74and,fuckyou,
75buddy,
76you'velost
77it,
78youneverhad
79it,
80fuckyou!

81Iamnotan
82editor.
83Inevermailedmy
84worktoanybody
85butan
86editor.
87Ineverreadmy
88worktowivesor
89girlfriends.

90thesepoetsapparently
91believeit'sall
92politics,anin
93game,
94thatsomeword
95fromyou
96willenablethem
97tobecome
98renownedand
99famous.
100andthat'swhat
101they
102want.
103that.
104andonly
105that.

106thepacketsof
107poemskeep
108arriving.

[Page343]

109ifIwereaneditor
110I'dhaveto
111rejectmostof
112them.

113butI'mnot.

114Iwritepoems
115too.

116andwhensomeof
117themcomeback
118andIrereadthem
119Iusuallyfeelthat
120theyshouldhave
121comeback.

122whatyouhavetodois
123dig
124in,
125beatthatkeyboard
126sothatityellsand
127singsandlaughsso
128hard
129thatthefixgets
130unfixed,thatthegod
131damnedmiracle
132arrives
133splashedacrossthe
134paperasyougetup
135andwalkacrossthe
136room,yourhead
137buzzing,yourheart
138wantingtofly
139throughthe
140ceiling.
141it'sthebest
142fight,thelast
143fight,theonly
144fight.

[Page344]

Belfast

1writingalettertoBelfast
2tosomebodywhoreadsmy
3books.

4somehowitseemsoddto
5writealetterto
6Belfast
7buteverythingisodd
8thesedays
9very
10likewritingbooks
11orsittinghere
12instripedpantsand
13slippersat
1412:30a.m.
15withouteven
16thinking
17asmyyoungwifeis
18outsomewhere
19enjoyingherself
20asyoungwives
21should
22do.

[Page345]

thedream

1Icontinuallyhavedreamsofbeinglost,ofasking
2directions
3butthepeopleIaskhaveanindefinitewayabout
them,or
4theyactasiftheywouldrathernotbebothered
5butfinallyoneofthemwillgivemeconfusing
6andmisleadingdirections.
7Ifollowthedirectionsbuttheylead
8nowhere:strangehillsandcurlingfreeways,andI
9havenoideawhereIam.
10attimesIwillbewalking,atothertimesIwill
11bedrivingmycar
12orfinallyIwilllosemycarandthenI
13willaskotherindefiniteandmisleading
14people
15whereismycar?
16andtheywillgivemevagueanswers,
17theywon'tsay,wedon'tknowwhereyourcaris,they
will
18pretendthatitisnotmissingortheywillrefuseto
tellme
19whereitis.

20thenIwillgiveuponthecar,Iwantonlytoreturn
21towhereIlivebutthepeopleIaskwillgivememore

22unrealdirections
23untilIfinallygiveuponthem.

24Iwalkandwalkalong,itisalwaysbroaddaylight,
justbefore
25noonbutasIwalkIdonotrecognizeanyofmy
26surroundings.
27theairseemsverybrightandclearbutitalsoseems
28somehowfalse
29asIwalkandwalkalong.

30whenIawakenIfeelmuch
31better,ofcourse.
32IknowwhereIam,hereisthebed,thewalls,
33hereismywifeinbednexttome.
34andIthink,well,thereitwas,thesame
35dream.

[Page346]

36overandoveragain.

37Igetupandgotothebathroom,lookinthemirror,
38scratchmyself,comebackout.

39andthen,strangelyenough,inashortwhilethedream
isalmost
40forgotten.

[Page347]
returningtoanoldlove

1well,herethecomputerisdownagainfor
2thecountandIambackwiththegoodoldIBM
electric.
3itreallydoesn'tmatteraslongasIhavesomething
4togettheworddownwith.
5IgetphysicallyandmentallyillwhenIam
6lockedawayfromthe
7word,
8andatleasttheIBM
9thismachinedoesn'tsuddenlygulppages
10andpagesofwords
11thatyouhavecelebratedthehourswith,
12wordsthatvanish
13forever.

14thismachineisslowbutsafe
15andIwelcomeitbacklikethegoodfrienditstill
16is.

17Ihopethatitforgivesme
18andarrangesmoregoodluckforme.

19nowit'sbalkingabit,
20lookingmeover.

21comeonbaby,Isay,
22doit.
23doitagain.

24I'msorryaboutthatwhore,
25youwarnedmeabouther
26butIwouldn'tlisten.

27nowwe'rebacktogether.
28comeon,baby,
29doit
30again.

31bealady
32tonight.

[Page348]

coolfur
1oneofourfattest
2cats
3CRANEY
4sleepsonhisback
5justabout
6anywhere
7hislegsstickingup
8intotheair.

9heknowsthatwewill
10neverstepon
11him
12butdoesn'tknow
13hownervously
14andincompletelywe
15humans
16sleep.

17andlive.

[Page349]

old?

1I'llbe73inAugust,
2almosttimetopackmybagsfora
3larkinthedark
4buttherearetwothings
5holdingmeback:
6Ihaven'twrittenenough
7poemsyet
8andthere'sthis
9oldguywholivesin
10thehousenextdoor.
11he'sstillthereandhe's
1296.
13heknocksonhiswindow
14withhiscaneand
15blowskissestomy
16wife.
17he'stotallyalert,
18straightarrowback,
19quickonhisfeet,
20hewatchestoomuch
21tvbutdon'twe
22all?

23Ivisithimsometimes.
24hetalksaway,
25notbadstuff,hesometimes
26tendstorepeathimself
27butit'salmostworthhearing
28asecondtime.

29Iwassittingwithhimone
30dayandhesaid,
31"youknow,I'mgoingto
32kickoffsoon..."

33"well,"Isaid,"Idon'tknow
34aboutthat."

[Page350]

35"Ido,"hesaid.
36"nowlook,wouldyoulike
37totradeformyhouse?"

38"well,yeah,it'saniceplace."

39"Idon'tknowifyoucangiveme
40whatIwantforit..."

41"well,Idon'teither,tryme."

42"well,"hesaid,"I'lltradeforanew
43setoftesticles."

44whenthisguydiesthereis
45goingtobeagreatbigspace
46thatisgoingtobehard
47tofill.

48youknowwhatI
49mean?

[Page351]

aproblem

1wemetfordinner
2ataplacenearthe
3harbor.
4Paul,hiswife,
5Tina.
6me,mywife,
7Sarah.

8wefinished
9dinner.
10Isuggested
11drinksatour
12place.

13theyfollowed
14ourBMWin
15their
16Mercedes.

17withourdrinks
18wegotinto
19politicsand
20religion.
21Ilookedat
22Pauland
23noticedthat
24hisfacehad
25turnedintoa
26cardboard
27face,his
28eyesinto
29marbles.

30thenIsaw
31myface
32inthemirror
33abovethe
34mantle.

[Page352]

35Ihadthe
36headofan
37alligator.

38Ipoured
39more
40drinks.

41theconversation
42turnedtothe
43afterlife,
44abortionand
45theRussians.
46thensomebody
47toldan
48ethnic
49joke
50andthenight
51wasover.

52wewalkedthem
53tothe
54door.
55theygotinto
56theirMercedes
57andbackedout
58downthe
59drive.

60wewaved
61theyblinked
62their
63lights.

64wewent
65back
66inside.

67"Iwonderwhat

[Page353]

68theyaresayingnow
69about
70us?"I
71ventured.

72"whatarewe
73goingtosay
74about
75them?"Sarah
76asked.

77"nothing,"I
78answered.

79"didyouever
80notice?"
81sheasked.
82"what?"

83"sometimesyou
84have
85ahead
86likean
87alligator."

88"I'venoticed."

89"wedon'thave
90anyfriends
91atall,"
92Sarah
93said.

[Page354]

taken

1Ezra,Celine,Hamsun,Sartre,others
2gotmixedupwiththatwhore
3Politics
4anditmakesyouwonder,
5wasitbaddiet?
6badliquor?
7ennui?

8couldn'ttheyhavejustmotored
9downthecoastandstoppedoff
10forasimplelunch?
11whyassumeotherroles?
12foolsrungovernments,notevery
13onecanguidethe
14world.

15centuriesdon'tchangemen,
16theyonlymakethemseemmore
17foolish.

18thosewriters,couldn'ttheyhave
19goneboating?
20couldn'ttheyhaveskippedthe
21idiot'strap,
22thetotallossof
23sense?

24howcouldtheyhavedoneso
25well
26andthenso
27badly?

28whyexchangeagiftfrom
29thegodsforahandfulof
30dung?

31suchbeautifulmen
32selfcastrated

[Page355]

33asiftheycouldn'tbear
34theirgrandluck,
35retiringtothedumb
36dark
37beforeitreached
38them.

[Page356]

welcomedarkness

1thedoorclosesandyou
2grinat
3death.
4allpretenseisgone
5now.
6whatremainsis
7thesimilarityofnight
8andmorning;
9thevictimizationof
10timeand
11space;
12thebefuddled
13proclamations;
14theborrowed
15assertions;
16therighteous
17enactments;
18thecamouflage;
19acommon
20denominator.

21theoldesthorror
22show.
23themurderofthe
24sun.

25thelastof
26life.

[Page357]

Bach

1I'm
2listeningtoaworkofhis
3recordedin
41923.
5Iwas3yearsold
6then
7butBachwas
8ageless.

9Iamsoongoing
10todie
11butIfeelno
12remorseabout
13this.

14BachandIare
15inthis
16room
17together.

18hismusicnow
19liftsmebeyond
20pain
21andmy
22pathetic
23self
24interest.

25Bach,thankstoyou,
26Ihaveno
27living
28friends.

[Page358]

greatjazz

1youkeepgettinganidea
2thatsomethingisgoing
3tohappen,
4youcanfeelitinthe
5edgeofyour
6fingernails
7it'sclimbingthe
8walls
9asthejazzgroupkeeps
10working,
11goingfromonechorusto
12thenext,
13justsliding,rising,
14it'sasweethustle,
15youdrinkwithoutgetting
16drunk,
17smokeendless
18cigarettesatyour
19cornertable.
20theenergykeeps
21building.
22smoke,drinkand
23listen.
24thecityishere,
25theworldis
26here.
27ifthere'sananswer,
28it'shere.
29goddamn.
30shametoleave
31eventopiss.
32youholdit.
33something'sgoing
34tohappen.
35it'slikethe20sin
36KansasCity.
37baby,baby,I'm
38goingtostayhere

[Page359]

39forever,
40they'regoingto
41havetoslidemy
42bonesoffthis
43chair,
44it'shappening,
45it'shappening,
46at
47last,atlast,at
48last...

[Page360]

amoment

1forWagnerthegodsofValhallaalsoburninthe
2flames,
3asheretonight
4Iamsober,
5myhorsewonthelastrace
6asIwasdrivinginonthefreeway;
7itisthesombertimejustbefore
8midnight,
9Wagnerroaringoutofthe
10radio,
11Ihavecometopause
12beforetheagonyandthemagic
13ofanotherman,
14longdead,
15he'sherewithme
16now,
17it'sfrighteningand
18wonderful,
19thenoneofmycatswalks
20in,
21looksatmefromthe
22floor
23withhisglorious
24eyes,
25hethenleapsuponthe
26desk
27andstandsbeforeme,
28Wagnerbouncing
29offofhim
30andIreachout
31andtouchthe
32cat.

33impossible.

[Page361]

wondrous

1allright,layontherain.
2laytherainon.
3layiton.
4ontheroof.
5Ihearitontheroof.
6Iknowthatitsoothes
7oldwoundsand
8new.
9thentoo,
10onealwaysremembers
11thetimeswhenthere
12wasnoroof
13andit
14rained.
15onedoesnotforget
16that.

17itwillrainallthis
18night
19andwewillsleep
20transfixedbythedark
21water
22asourbloodrunsthrough
23ourfragile
24life.

25laytherainon.

26thedivine
27broth.

[Page362]

fact

1carefulpoetry
2andcareful
3people
4last
5onlylong
6enough
7to
8die
9safely.

[Page363]

there

1thecenterfielder
2turns
3rushesback
4reachesuphisglove
5and
6snaresthe
7ball,
8weareallhimfor
9thatmoment,
10suckingtheair
11intoour
12gut.
13asthecrowdroarslike
14crazy
15werifletheballback
16throughthe
17miraculous
18air.

Copyright(c)1997byLindaLeeBukowski.

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