External Life, Internal Death

Two years of knowing him, one year after the break-up, I can still remember the feel of
his lips against my neck, his lips against mine. I can still remember the sound of his voice, the
comfort of his warmth, just the way it felt to have him beside me. I've never really known the
touch of anothers besides his. It is he that I crave on those lonely late nights, where the only
company I have is my own thoughts.

Now, before you go thinking that I am just another one of those crazy exes that didn't
handle the break-up all too well, there is a deeper story than words can ever describe. But, before
you find this hopeless, read on. You just might fall in love the same way I did, and love still, the
same way I do.

I remember waking up one September morning. It was the first day of my Junior year in
high school. I took forever getting dressed that morning, knowing that nothing was going to be
just right, not with my self-esteem. I just kept thinking, maybe there will be a new guy, who
knows nothing about you and who can take your mind of him. That would be a miracle...

Anyways, I ended up wearing the most satisfactory thing I could find; a white skirt (that I
wore as a dress and it came down to just above my knee), a sleeveless jean jacket, and nothing
other than my classic, old, scuffed up, pink and brown Ariat boots. I had my makeup done the
best way I could ever do it, and my hair was curled to near perfection. Maybe, I thought, maybe
miracles do happen.

Nerves rushed to me as I got off bus number 22 and walked into the school. It was my
first year without him there. I did what any other high-schooler did on their first day of class;
walked to the place where all my friends would eventually be (the cafeteria). I'm always the first
one to arrive, so a few minutes pass by before my friend Steven arrived, then my friend Joe. We
all had the average first day conversations, what classes we have, which lunch we have, what
P.R.I.D.E. we have. (P.R.I.D.E. is basically code for homeroom) Eventually, the three of us
figure out we have P.R.I.D.E. together. Then, the bell that marks the beginning of the day rang,
and we parted our ways to our lockers.

I scavenged around for the few things I might need, knowing the first half of the day was
spent playing ice breaker games with lower classmen. Then, nervously walked, and I truly mean
nervously walked, to P.R.I.D.E. Steven and Joe were both standing outside the classroom door,
so I joined them until it was absolutely time to enter.

I take one step into the doorway, and there he was, broad shoulders, black hair, brown
eyes, black glasses; just everything I had hoped to find today. And he caught me eye to eye, in
mid smile. It was like time had paused and there was nobody else in the room but me and him for
what felt like minutes. I have to have him. I told myself, as I quickly looked away and took a seat
at the table where Joe and Steven were sitting. Keep the smile. Pretend you are completely happy
and that you have absolutely no getting over to do.

Roll was called, and the teacher introduced herself, then explained today's events to the
team. A few events pass by. I noticed the new guy buddying up with Joe and Steven. I can
definitely use this to my advantage... One particular event was going on. The game itself had
ended, but the announcement to switch had not come yet. So, there in the back of the computer
lab sat me, Joe, and Steven. The new guy, whose name I recently had learned, Tim, stood closely
to us. Steven and I, with our weird friendship, sat hand in hand. Watch his reaction. Does
holding hands with Steven bug him? I secretly watched, trying to read his body language, and
trying to calm my pulse down, and keep my nerves from showing. I couldn't manage any of
those.

Lunch had come. I remember meeting up with a few people and bragging about this new
guy. Nobody knew if he had the same lunch, so I couldn't point him out. I can't exactly recall
how I ended up outside with Destiny or why I chose to talk to her. But,of course, I had to tell
about my new find. And, of course, she just had to have known who he was already. I am better
than her. I can win this competition. And yes, it automatically turned into a competition as soon
as she knew more about him than I did.

The end of the day had come. I remember watching Tim closely, to creepily see what
locker was his, and eventually, what bus he rode. To anyone judging those actions, don't act like
you've never done something like that... Anyways, I was determined to learn as much about him
as I could, get as close as I could, and claim him.

Some days had passed. I had found him on Facebook by now; a little bit of snooping
around is all it took. I recall it being one September day. It had to have been on the weekend
because I was at one of my horse shows. I must have been between classes, because there I sat
with my phone in my hand Facebook Messaging him back. Sadly, I can't exactly recollect those
exact words he had sent me. What I do know is that it was one of those cute messages where the
guy talks in third person, as if to say he was talking about some other guy having those feelings,
and the words absolutely made me smile, and slightly melt inside. As I look back on that
moment, I remember feeling the sunshine beat down on me; the suns golden rays enlightening
that moment. Another moment that I am blessed to never forget. Although, little did I know the
tragedy he would bring