{\_

Nunatak is an Inuktitut word meaning "lonely

peak," a rock or mountain rising above ice.
During Quaternary glaciation in North America
Chorus of
these peaks stood above the ice sheet and so
became refuges for plant and animal life.
Magnilicent nunataks, their bases scoured by
glaciers, can be seen along the l"lighwood Pass in
the Alberta Rocky Mountains and on Ellesmere
Island.
Mushrooms
Nunataks are especially selected works o[
outstanding flction by new western writers. The
editors of Nunataks for NeWest Press are Aritha
Hiromi Goto
van Herk and Rudy Wiebe.

NeWest Press
Edmonton
@ Copyright 199+ Hiromi Goto
2nd Printin{ 1994
AII rights reserved. The use of any part of this publication,
reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic,
mechanical, rrcording or otherwise, 0r stored in a rctrieval
system, without the prior consent of the publisher is an
infringement of the copyright law. In the case of photocopying or
other reprographic copying of the material, a licence must be
obtained from the Canadian Reprography Collective before
proceeding. For Kiyohawa Naoa I loue you Ob,achan.
Canadian Cataloguing in Publication Data
Goto, Fliromi,1966-
Chorus oI mushrooms

(Nunatak hction)
ISBN 0-920897-55-5

I. Title. II. Series.

PS8565.076C51994, C815'.54 C94-910167-2
PRg199.5.G67C5 1994

NeWest Press gratefully acknowledges the financial assistance

of 't'he Canada Council; The Alberta Foundation for the Arts, a
bcncliciary of the Lottery Fund of the Government of Alberta; and
'l'hc NeWcst Institute for Western Canadian Studies.

NcWcst l)rcss board editor: Rudy Wiebe

l,llilorial coordinator: Eva Radford
lnlcrior book dcsign: Bob Young/BOOKENDS DESIGNWORKS
Oovr:r artwurk: Diane Jensen

'l'hi.s i.s a book ol'l'iction and all characters are fictional.

l)rirrlr:rl and bound in Canada by Best Gagne.

Nt:Wt:st l)ublishcrs Limitcd

Suilc 510, 10559 - 82 Avenue
lldmonton, Alberta TOE 1Zg
 ACKNOWI,EDGEMENTS

ln the process of re-telling personal myth, I have taken

tremendous liberties with my grandmother's history. This novel is
a departure from historical "fact" into the realms of contemporary
lblk legend. And should (almost) always be considered a work of
lrction. Thank you to Kiyokawa Naoe for the stories. Thank you
also to Tamotsu Tongu and my family for love and patience.

I wish to acknowledge Kyoko Goto, Yoshiko Gomyo, and Wes Cyr

l'or their part in creating accurate details. I would also like to
oxprcss my gratitude to Aritha van Herk, Fred Wah, and the strong
Calgary writing community for their continued support, and to
N,lark and Leslie Bllestad for their always encouragement.

'l'hanks to Multiculturalism and Citizenship Canada and the

National Association of Japanese Canadians for funding this
project, and additional thanks to the Calgary Japanese Community
Association for its support.
'l'he legend is believed, it is remarkable,
and also it is local.
Legends of Japan
-l'olk
We lie in bed, listen to the click oJ blinds, watch a thin thread
of dusty cobrueb rueaL)e back andfrtrth, back andforth, in the
naDes of air we cannot see. T'he blanlrcts and sheeL are a heap
at the foot of the bed, and we are ruarm only where skin is
huching skin. My shoulder, my arm, the swell oJ my hip. The
curue of my lhigh. Lean lightly i;nto you. Myfingertips are iry,
but I am too com,fortable lo mol)e. 'lo bother getting up and
arrange the blankets. I only ruant to sauour the quiet of skin
on skin. 'l'he murmur of our bktod beneath our surface touch.
Our breathing unconsciously Jalls inlo a pattern, foLLows the
mouement oI the strand o.f cobweb that weaues aboue our
heads. You ldt your hand lo resl ix weight, the palm rough,
just benealh my breast.
"lVill you tell me a story?" you ask. Ilyes on the strand oJ
dusl.
"Yes,"
"lTill you tell me a story about your Ohachan?"
oYes,"
I close my eyes and breathe deeply. SlowLy.
"lYill you tell me a true story?" you ask, with
unconscious ktnging.
"A lot rf people ask that. Ilaue you euer noticed?" I roll
onto my side. Prop my elbow and rest my chin, rny cheek, into
the curae of rny hand. 'It's like people want to hear a story
and then, a;fter they're done wiLh it, lhey can stick the story
baclt to where it cametrom. You know?'
"Not really," you say, and slide a LittLe Louser, so that
your head is nestled beneath my chin. Your Jace in my neck.
"Rut will you still tell me?"
"Sure, but bear with my Language, u,ton'[ you? My
,lapanese isn't as good as my English, and you might not get
euerything I say. But that doesn't mean the story's not there to
2

understand. Wakatte kureru kashira? Can you listen

before you hear?"
u'frust
me," you say.
I pause. 'fake a deep breath, then spiral into sound.
oHere's
a true story."

M uknshi, mukhshi, bmu kashi .

Naoe

Ahhhhh this unrelenting, dust-driven, crack your

fingers dry wind has withercd my wits, I'm certain. Endless
as ltrought as breath-ha! Not much breath left in this set of
bellows, but this wind. JusL blows and blows and blows.
Soon be blowing dust over my mummy carcass and beetles
won't find the tiniest bit of solt flesh to gnaw on, scrves
thcm right. Dust in my joints dry as rust and I creak. Well
worn, I am. Well workcd. Can'L stoop to sweep up the dust
swirling in the corners of the rooms. Dust swells and eddies,
rnotes linger to parch my noso, my mouLh. IJon't bother
rlusLing, I say. It'll come back, surely. Let the piles of dust
grow and mound and ['ll planl daikon and eggplant seeds.
Lct something grow from this daily cursc. Ilut no. Keiko just
looks al" me from the corners ol'her cyes. I know. I know
Never mind. No matter. Just let Obachan sit in her chair in
lhc hall so she can sce who comes and goes. My back to the
staircase, and I can scc who comes through thc front. door.
l't:ople have Lo pass me to get insidc this house. Don't try to
sncak by, I might stick out my foot. If I look straight ahcad I
r:an watch what goes on in half the living room. 'lurn my

3
4 5
head to the right and I see all from the kitchen to the
laundry room to the bathroom door. tl'l tip my head upward,
I can see anyone who tries to creak down lhc stairs. No one
moves in this house wiLhout mcoting my eyes. Hearing my
voice. 'lhke no notice, I say. ['ll try not to stare. l'll nod and
smile. Welcome! Welcome! Into this pil of dusr.. 'l'his bowl of
heat. Ohairi kudasai! Dozo ohairi kudasai.'Ihltr loudlv and
e-n-u,n-c-i-a-t-t'. I might bc stupiri as wcll as deal. How can
they think a body can live in l"his count.ry for rrventy years
and not learn Lhe language? IluI lct them lhinli this. Let
them think what t.hey will, Ibr thcy rvill. Sollr,, Obachan no
speeku lleenglishu. Maybc I'm Lhe fool, but stubborn I am
and will rernain. I(ciko glanccs at me thcse davs. Nlore oftcn
Lhan before with that curl of sour tofu curds lingcring in her
mouth. l'm noL blind. I'vc heanl t.hc talk. *l think we should
start looking Ibr a h-o-m-e.' As if I can'r spcll. Iiighty-five
years old and cast from my homc. Ahhh, at least thc rlust
here is Iamiliar. Every grain, every mote as familiar as thc
smell o{'my boriy. No time now to learn ncw riust in a new
homc. Let me just sit herc. l,et. rne sit hcre in thc hall by the
door. 'I'herc are no windows herc to Lorrlcnl- me. I can only
hear the muffled roar of the wind through the insulated
walls and I can drown out thc incessant srvirl ol'dust, ol'
chaff, with words. Little songs. And hum.
I muttcr and mutter and no one to listcn. I spcak my
words in Japanese and my daughter will not hear them. The
words that corne from our ears, our mouths, they collide in
the spacc tlelwccn us.
"Obachan, please! I wish you would st.o1l that. ls it too
much to ask lor some pcacc and quict.i,You do this on
purpose, don't you? Don'l you! I just want some peace. Just
stop! Plcase, just stop.'
"Gomennasai. Waruine, Obachan rua. SolLy. Solly."
I'[a! Keiko, there is mcthod in my madness. I could
stand on my head and quote Shakespeare until I had a
rrosebleed, but to no avail, no one hears my language. So I
sit and say the words and will, until the wind or I shall die.
Sorneone, something must stand against this wind and I will.
I irrn.
I rnustn't nod off like that. I must keep this vigil. Ntl, he is
still there. Damnit. When did he begin to bother me, [his
rvinri? He has always been thcre, yet I'm certail he did not
lrother me so much many years ago. When my hair was still
rlark and long enough to snap smartly like a flag in the
rvind. And now? Now my hair is short and silver, in tight
littlc curls like a lamb. No wind in here. If I tuln my head
to<l quickly, the silver curls tinkle against each other likc
littlc bells.0utside, the wind howls and I am silent no
krnger. Ilitter fruit of unripe pcrsimmons. Am I that bitter?
No, I am an old woman and I must speak.
0f course there was wind in Japan. I remember so
rvcll, the soft spring brcczc rustling midori green bamboo
lcaves. Sara sara sara. GenLlc as wish, as thought and
ccrtainly no need to challenge it with rny voice. A breath of
It:aves. My sticky child I'eet slappin6; bota bala t"hc frcshly
laid tatam.i sweet as straw. NIy brothcr and I drank miso'
.slriru frorn black Iacquer bowls and r:runclrcd daikon lelt
over from the pickling bins. Still as a pool of water, we were
waiting. Waiting for 0kasan l.o bring our rice and 0tosan to
t:trme homr:. For the cicadas to cry tsuku lsuku boshi, xuku
tsultu boshl and the cat to jump up on l"hc vcrandah. We
were waiting as children. Waiting for everyLhing.
Shige and I gathered solt whitc cloth, string and a
5
crayon. We pressed cotton stuffing into a ball and twisted
the material o[ the cloth around the ball and tied it so there
was a smooth round head and the skirt of the cloth, the
body. Just like a little white ghost. We drew in two eyebrows
and two eyes, so he would be able to see. Ow teru teru bozu
swung barely, almost motionless, from the rafters outsirie
Lhe house. In the warrn wet of summer rain.
Teru teru bozu
Teru bozu,
Ashita tenkini shite okure.
He would charm the rain away and Okasan woultl take us to
the park. Waiting for tomorrow. 'l'he breeze as gentle on my
face as my mother's hand. tter fingertips. 'Ihe green-
smelling soil planted with peanuts the day belore yesterrlay
and the singe smell of 0tosan's cotton shirts being ironed.
We were happy to be waiting then, Shige anrl I. I could wait
motionless for days, sitting on the wooden engau)a,
watching the koi make lazy ripples in the pond, the rafters
dripping with summer rain. And the rain kept falling into
tomorrow.
We had to burn the little white charm. That was the
rule. If the teru teru bozu couldn't keep the rain away, you
burned him.
Pichi pichi, chappu chappu.lt hardly ever rains here. F-unny
how I hated lhe rain so much when I was a child and now I
miss it sorely. A body isn't meant to brittlc dry. It,s hard to
keep the words flowing i[ you have to lick them, moist.en
them with your tongue before thcy can leave vour lips. The
days stretched long anri wet whcn thc rains fell in our
r'lrildhood waiting. But Okasan would tell us tales.
Mukashi, muhashi, omuhashi. ..
Okasan told us tales in our childhood waiting, but the tales
slrc told didn't have the power to save us. Funny how
1r;rrcnts tell teaching sLories yet they never bother to taste
tlrc words they utter. FIow the words are coated with honey
;urd neclar but *re flesh inside is weak and hollow. Let me
tcll a different story.
Mukashi, mukashi, when I was a very young girl, there
livcd a happy family who was very rich with many
storehouses filled to the bearns with last season's rice and
sof'I"-dried persimmons and the sweetest, smoothest casks of
rrrlce. 'Ihere was fresh Iish and salted fish and great urns
I'illr:d with shoyu and rnrso. 'l'hey weren't rich in food only,
lrrrt had many beautiful things inside the house. 'l'here were
rnany rooms and everybody had their own siltr-lincd quilts
lo cover them. I never thought of where that silli came from.
I linew only that they came lrom silkworms. And never
tlrought beyond the lovely colours they had been dyed.
I had bcautilul dolls to look at and a nurse who held
rrr.y hand whenever I went ouLside to play. My brothcr Shige
;rlways lbllowed me, but I rlidl'tmind. lle was a quiet boy
irrrd he always listened to me. Wc would dabble our feet in
tlrt: nal.ural spring right besidc thc house and suck the water
liurn our toes until the nurse caught us and toltl our 0kasan.
Why, we were rich enough to have a pct when everybody
r'lse kept animals for work. We had a dop4 named Jack,
lrccause 0tosan liked Western things. And we were well-
rcspected. People in thc village always smilcd when Lhey
saw us. The villagers smilcd with their mouths and I was too
8 9
young to read what they didn't say in the corners of their
eyes. The hollows in their necks. They would bow extra low
for our Ot0san, even bow to Shige and me though we were
only little children and I felt so important. It was important
to me to be important thcn. I wanted to be like Otosan.
One day, an extra special day, Otosan came home early
from his office and my, he was so happy! "Okasan,' he said,
"please set out my best suit and tie. Shine my shoes as wcll.
The villagers are having a party in my honour.' Ile tried to
be calm and serious, but we knew how happy he was.
Otosan didn't have many fricnds, you see, because he was so
rich and had so much land, there weren't many pcople who
were important enough to be his friend. And no one in the
village could dress like our 0tosan. I{e sent for his bank
clothes from the capital and he was the only rnan in our
mura who wore a bowler hat. 0kasan flushcd soltly with
pleasure to see her husband so happy, and shc bustled about
to get his clothes ready. I followed 0tosan inro his bedroom
so I couid watch him dress.
"Naoe-chan,' my father said to me, uan important man
never leaves his home without his hanko. You nevcr know
when there is a documcnt lo sign, a letter t.o stamp. If
someone were to ask you to sign a letter of rccommendation
and you didn't have your hanlto,lvhy you would shamc the
name engraved on it, passed down I'rorn Iburt.een
generations.' Ile buttoned his shirt from the bottom,
watching his reflection in the full-length mirror that srood in
his room.
uWhcre is rny hanko,0t0san?" I
asked. uWill your
hanko passed down lbr fourtecn gencrations be mine when
I grow up?"
uNo,
silly girl. You will be a ladv when you grow up and
yorr will press the hanko of your husband.' He smoothed the
silh of his tie with graceful fingers.
"Then who will press the hanho that carries our family
n;lme passed down for fourteen generations?'
"Your brothcr, Shige, o[course."
"But he is much younger than I."
uYcs,
but he will be a man some day.'
"l'll be a man when I grow up too, 0tosan," I said. uI
rvirnl [o press our family hanho and wear a bowler hat."
ul must talk to your Okasan,'he
said. uYou are much
too big to be talking such silly nonsense. Now out! Out! Let
OlrJsan get ready for his party.'
He, dressed in his rich man's suit, his shoes shining
rvilh pride, decided to walk to the party so people might see
lrirn in his best. We were so proud, Shige and I, that after he
Ir:l'[ we played going to a party and dresscd up in our richest
clothes, pouring sake inLo irnaginary cups, eating sashimi
;rrrtl the tender meat of sweetly stewed eels. Oliasan shooed
rrs to sleep, and we ran bata bata on the tatami, to dream of
Irrrnkos and bowler hats.
Easy for a child to believc in the powers of her parents.
lVhcn therc is food and song and happy myths told long into
tlrc night. When you sleep beneath blankets made of silk. I
corrld only trust what I had knorm ir thc housc ol my lather.
I coukl not knorv that rvc rvere privilcgcd. '['hat pcople hated
rrs lilr our wcalth and powcr. I could not know thaI Ioss anci
1r;rin were as easy as one hanko pressed in red ink. One
sl;rrnp on a lcgal document.
"Strhhh, shizukani. Naoe-chan. Pack your cotton kimonos.
\o, leave the silks, they are too fine. Quickly, now. Quickly!,
Oliasan so strange and it's not even morning, the sun isn,t
10

up and grey and cold. Her eyes so strange and glittering. rclious face and I was scrious in my belief. OkAsan was
uokasan, what-" She slapped me. For the first and only scwirrg a yukata, but she dropped the fiims of summer-thin
time in my lifc she slapped me. uPack your clothes. Be lollon to laugh and laugh, her hand politcly covering her
silent." I didn't cry, just packed the clothes my mother had rrrorrth. And baby Shige laughed with hcr', cven l"hough he
uWe know why.
heaped on my Juton and stood where she told me to. n';rs [00 young to
must leave,' she said. And the words wcre lihe stone. One hanlto. Pressed in red ink. with rice wine.
One hanho. 'fhe Iamily scal. I(iyokawa. l'he simple (lnc. hanho, and everything gone.
characters ol'our family name engraved in ivory and passed
dorvn for fourteen gencrations, our home, our mountain, the Wlro has left that screen door unlatched? The wind is
land, one stamp. Kiyokawa. Pure rivcr. IIa. Even thc purest slrout"ing against the door lrame, hurling insults al. this
river can be polluted, and it will be. It was. 'l'hc villagers Irrrrrsc, my home . Slap, bang. Slap, bang. Tomaret. A cup in
plicd our 0tosan with swcct words and swcctcr safte. They rnl lrand. It has always been there, srnashcs against the
Iulled him with complimenl.s and bcggcd him to sin65 and to rloor'. Shatter. Kciko. NIy words are only noises in this place I
share with them his wisdom. '['hc-v tricked him into signing r;rll a home.
documents hc was too drunk to scc. I am not bitter. 'l'he
homi, our rnountain, the lanrl, all Ot0san's by right of a seal.
The pain and the hardship of the villagers rvho only rented
the land they had worked Ibr lburteen generations but never
orvned for thcir labours. I am not bitter for losing something
that was uncvcnly divided. The things I missed, the things
gone forever, were the swect smilc on my Okasan's facc, the
silly stories Ot0san made for me.
uOtosan, lvherc docs Lhc breeze come frorn?'

"'lhe breeze cornos f'ronr lhe sliy. ][e gets so tircd of

being bluc, he sighs in discontent.'
"Ot0san, where does the wild comc lrorn?'
uThe wind comes from thc clouds. 'l'hey are making
silly faccs and tryini4 to blow each other al,vay."
"Otosan, lvhere do the storms come lrom?"
"'l'hev come lrom thc dcmons. 'l'hcre are not enough
bcan cakcs to go around, so they arc having a farting contest
to see who is to win thcm!" Otirsan pronouncod with a
12
"I thought that you didn't Learn hous to speak Japanese until
a-fter you grew up," you say, tapping yourfinger on your lips.
"That's right," I ansuer. PuLL the string for the bLincls
and crank open the window. T'he room i^s stqffy with our sleep
breathing and the tnng of loue and sweat.
"Then horu do you know what your Obachan said? t
thought you couldn't speah with her when you were growin6
up in Nanton, Or did I get it urong?' You watch me dig
through the laundry humper fitr sonrc not-so-dirty clothing. I
lurn a pair of panlies inside out and slip on u pair oJ your
jean^s. Roll up the cqffs.
"No, that's rigltt," tug a while't-shirt Loith no logo ouer
my head.
"'fhen how can you be telling a true snry if you neuer
kneru whal your grandmother said?" you ask. You are still in
bed, the blanhet around your belLy. I sit down on the edge oJ
the bed, to smooth doubtfrom your mouth. Lean in, and dip
my tongue betrueen your Lips.
"I'm making up lhe lruth as I go aLong."
13
\iror:
hciko is dusting. Scattering dust so it se ttles e verywhcre
llsr:, polishing doorknobs, scraping the framc above the
rloor. What for? No necd, I say. There is nothing as silly as
rlusling when you live in a desert. But she ignores me.
ht'ilio. My daughter who has lorsaken identity. Forsaken! So
lrilrlical, but it suits her, my little convert. Converted from
lir:c and daikon to weiners and beans. Endless evenings of
tcrlious roast chicken and honey smoked ham and overdone
r rurrp roast. My daughter, you were raised on lish cakes and
grir:lilcd plums. 'l'his Wcstern Ibod has changed you and
rou'vc grown more opaque cvcn its your hcart has brittlcd.
\livt:r-edged and thin as papcr. Ilove you still. You are my
rl;rrrghter, after all, and this you clannot change. t'or all that
rorr call me Obachan and Lreat mo as a chilri. I am not. vour
;ir';urdmother. I am you-r mother.
uObachan, please! [ want to
clean this hall. Can you
tusl f{o ullstairs so I can clean up this hall?" Kciho rolls her
r'1r:s backward so she is sl"aring up inside her ketchup brain.
"lYanio yulteru ha wakarimasen. Nihongo de hanashite
l,rttl,usai," lsay and she grinds her tccth and rcluscs tn
rrrrrlcrstand the Japanesc she spohc twenty ycars ago. Child
;rltr:r my own heart, I suppose. We arc loched together
lrcrl'cctly, each pushing against the other and nothing
nrovos. Stubborn we are and rvill rcmain, no doubt. She
r,rrrks the vacuum cleaner out of the closct and swirls the
rlrrsl even more, trying to suck up cverything in hcr path,
, r';rrnming the head between thc legs ol'my chair, running
.r r:r' rn] feet uttil I move lhcm out of her rvay. I could laugh,
I srrJrpose, if Iwercn't. so stubborn.'l'herc is littlc hopc lelt
14
Ior you and me, Keiktl. W(: t:Jtortst'ttltt'n'ttt'tls irrttl sltt'illt
them with little timc for tltorrgltl. I Ittow. I kttorr'.
uYou're an old ltlttl," l(t:iko wltisgtt't's,;ttttl ll;tllt't's lltt:
vacuum cleaner a['tcr Jtt:r'slil'l'sltittr'. I rtotl ,ttttl stttilt:.
Onnajidayo, Keiko, onruli. Wt: ttt't' lltc s;ttttr',
Ahh, easy to lose trat:lt rll'tl;t.ys, ol'y('ilt's, tlltlrr .t cll;lit'
becomes an cxtension tl['.yttttr ltorly. I w;tslt'l lrorrr irr llris
chair, and I won't die in il, tlt;tl's t'r't'1,;titt, lttrl I ltitvl t'oorlt
enough to think herc, anti alrttttst ttolltirtg t';ttt sttt';tk l)ilsl lll.Y
cyes. I may be old, btrt l'rtt ttol lrlirrrl.'l'lris t'lt;ttt littl st't'l'(r
me still and I nccdn't rrlov(' .;tl ;rll. Nl 1 rvortls rr rll r';rlllt:
around me. I speah my lvortls, sllt';tlt ttt\ rvttttls,,rrlrl ls;ty
them all out loud. I y'cll alrrl sitlg;tttrl ltlttllt't iltttl tllr'1t Itttttl
my seat of power.
The wind is not as sl.rotli{ lotl;t1, so I ttlr.tltr'l sllottl.
Only mutter. [f there is nothing to oltslt'trcl lltl tlrtttl, rt'orrltl I
still hear it? I wonder. I hztvtt it llitrtrtr ol'rlricrl s;tllrrl stqrritl itt
my pocket and I tear a bit ofl'. I rtlttsl t'ltt'w ;ttttl cltcr'r'- l,iltt:
beef jerky, but much tought:r. I t:ltt:w ittttl lltc itriccs lrcgirt ltr
fill my mouth. It gives mo crt(:t'g.y, lltis srltritl, llrt tttot't'l
chcw, the tastier it gets.
"l\ttcre did that cornc [i'ttrtt?" l\trilio stt ttt;ttl ,'\ lrr';lrs it
peak to her obstinate uppcr lip. I rtotl ;ttrtl sttrilr'.
"I{eiko mo ddzo itatluite li:urktstti, " I olltr' ,;trttl t';tist:
some shrivelled squid lcgs to hct' lloirttirtg lirrgt'r'. llt'r' lips
turn whitc and she slams tlrc liittrltt:tt tloot' ltcltirttl ltct'.
I'here is enough slamrning tll'drtors rvitlt lltis t'ottsl;tttl witttl.
It is Shige and his wil'e lvho st:rttl tttt'lltt' ;t;tcIir;ics, rtl'
course. Poor, yes, but kind and l"lrtt-y st:rt(l tttt:;t 1r;tt'li;tgc rtow
and then. I may be an old filtll, ttut sttrpitll'}Strrt'11' ttol. I lt;tvt:
my own box at the post offict:, ttttt .yott (lon'l l\no\\', hrilio. I
15
pay for it rvith the coins I collect {rom the couch cracks after
dark.
Naoe Kiyokawa
Box 2909
Nanton, AI)
TOI, 1RO CANAI]A
This pit of dust. This bowl of hcat. Saltcd squid. I'hey send
me salted squid. Not always, because it is so expensive, and
osenbei. Crisp rice crackers dipped in soya sauce, I crunch
them in bed at four in the morning. It's Muricl rvho sneaks
the pachagcs up to my room whcn everyone is asleep. My
5;randdaughl.er, your dau64htcr, Keiko. You taught her no
words so shc cannot spcak, but she calls mc 0bachan and
smilcs. Shc brings thc packages and we crumble thc osenbei
togcther in my narrow bcd. Muricl does not suit her, Keiko.
I call her Murasaki. Purplc. Shc cannol" understand the
words 1 spcak, but shc can rcad the lines on rny brorv, thc
oreases beside my mouth. I could speak thc oLhcr to her, but
my lips rel'use and my longue swells in revolt. I want so
much for somconc to hear, yeL it must be in my words. So
stubborn, so clcnched I spitc my face. Damn you wind.
IlowMlorvl!
Murasalii placcs hcr head in my bony lap and I begin to
speah my words.
Mukashi, mukashi,dmukashi. . .
 15
17

Murasaki

Agirl oprtrrcrl ;t tloor,, llrrl,rrrltrrll ,r p.rpr,t lrrnrru prrrr

r,lr)n {}n( I could still taste the sake lingering in my mouth. Licked my
arm. An ,ltl w'rrt;rrr \itl ,t ltt,tl I lrrrltr
;rlllrrrr ,r,,,r.rl lrr.r lips again, to trace the last drops. 0bachan smacked her
up, tlut. ht:r'lrr:;rrl lrrrrrg r,rr ,rr rr.r lr,rr,rr r
rrr,,r. rrrrr r.zr.rr lips. Mom always ragged on her to cut it out, how rude she
hcavil.y wirh rlrr'1r'r';rrrr .r irp,r' il,,
1,r,rI prrr,,r rrrrr rr,t,rr sounded, but it's really appropriate to smack lips. It's like a
thc ['l0rlr llasirl. rlr. lr.rr irrrr r r,,, rrr.rl rr,rr rr,
rrrrrr rrr rr rrr.r. symbolic gcsture ol respect to what you've consumed-how
grandttt,lltr:l''s .lr.r'rt rr'rrrr r*, rrrt;1r,r t
r rrr ,rrr rr,rr,rrr truly wonderful it is to swill the sake in your mouth, rolling
ntldtlt:rl. Slowly opr.rrr,rl 1rr,r,r.11,,, .,lrr, .,nrllr
rl ,,trlLr.1l 11,.,. it on youl tongue, letting it drip drop by drop into yotrr eager
5;rantldarrgltrr:l''s rr;rrrrr,;.i.srrrr.rr r,rrr,rr rrrr rrr,1 ,11rr ,,,rrrr,
throat. Smack, smack. Ahhh. That was good.
Akete ch,y,tltti.'l'lrr. gir.r l(r(.lr ,, rlrr, rlrrtr
,I rr,ir rl ll,r,rr ,rrrrl Smach, smach! (0bachan)
quictlv trlir:lir:rl ;tl llrr. l;rpc orr llrr.prtr lr{rl,r
Smach, smack! (Me)
orlsitlt:, rlr. r,,r,irrrr s('r'r.r.r rrr.rr rrrrrr rrrr rr irrrr,, rrr rrrr rr,rils
Smack! Smack! (0bachan)
[unncllt:ti tlrrt rlrrsl irrt, pirr,\1 t,p, rr,l11r ,, llrr
lrlr l ,,lrrl lr.r. Smack! Smack! (Mc)
thumllnail ;rl,rtg rlr. r'r'r',rs.,r rrrr. ,r{rhlrrrl
rrrrrr ,,,rrrrrrr ,1. "Otlachan, cut that out! We're trying to sleep in here!'
tcaring.'l'ht: ,ltl !vorr.rr rr',rr.rr.rr, rrr r r r rrrrr r
1r rr.,,, ,r rrrr. Mom yclled from her room. Dad groaned, only waking up
slct:p shr: h;rrl w,lt.rr ri',rrr 'r'rr. tr,rrl prr*r,,r
rr rrrr lrr.,rry because Mom was yclling aoross his face. 0bachan and I
r:ardbr,rtl lirl lxr.li,rr irs.il, iril r,rrr ,,lrrr,, r,rrr rr,rr
rrr,r ,,rt,, looked at each other and startcd cackling. She pulled the
thc [10x. l)litslir. r.r.irrlilr,s, r,r.,tr l,r,r,, rllIIr rl irr .,,r\,r ...rr{,r.,
blankets ovcr our heads and wc snorted into her crumbly
lightl.y li'it:rl, r:r';rr:kr. r'r'rrrr.rr rrr.rrrr.r.rr rr r
rrr,,rrrr ilirr rr,rllrr.r. sheets until we ran out ol air.
u0baohan, we've got to stop eating thosc rice crachers
in your bed."
"Sonna hoto kamau ka? Koyaue Murasahi to isshoni iru
koto ga ureshii no yo.'
"0bachan, rvhy do you call me Murasaki?'
"Anta ga jibun de imi o sagashite chyodal.' She smiled,
reached lbr the sa&e bottle and tilted her head back to catch
the last drops on her tongue. Soaked it up. I snagged a piece
of squid lrom the box and popped it into my mouth.
There're two ways o[ eatin6S squid. To cherv and chew and
chomp and chew and lvring ouL the juices lrom the leather
aaa
flesh, or to hold the squid fur your chcek and let it soak up
 18
the saliva sl,wl.v rrrrlil rl srr,r.ll: rrrrrl ,,,llr ,,, lllrilr lrrrrr ,rlrr;rr-s
chewcd likt: rtr;rtl, w.r'rls lrrlltrrg ,rr rr illr r rrr lr ,,r.rr*I rr(.r,
jaw. I hcltl rtrv w,l'rls irrsrrlr,,tl rrr,rrllr rrrrlll llr,\ ,,rrr.lh.rl
and soflr:rrr:rl.
Wt) alr:, wr: rlr';rrrlt, rrr Olrrtr lrrlr,,, lrr rl nl lr rr',1,, i\oll I
was tircd an(l ;tll tr),itslY lorr:.11, urr r.r r rl ln iltt r l1 ol r rir,
l,r.r'. I
snugglo(l rrr.y lrr:;rrl irr 0lrirllrrnt,,, lrntl lrtp rttrrl r lo,,r'rl rrrl
CyCS to listr:lr. I r:orrlrlrr'l rrrrrllr \l,tntl lltr ' tr rrt rl.,
',lrr ,,po[r.,
but [his is wlr;rt I 1rr.;trrl.
M uki slt i, rtt u h' t t slt i, t trt t tt lt tt sl, I
[,istcn, Mrrr';rsirki, lisr.rr. l), 1,rr rr,,rlr,r rr lrr rlrr rr rrrrr lr,rr ls
lihc a slrialia, wo,r;rrr,'r), \r, \r.rrrr'r rrrr\ rlr'r.r,r
sotttt:t.inrcs lirsl('s likr. lrl,,rl ( lttt I lrr. lrrr I lr., l,.ry.r.r tlrr.
Grccks! Alrrl rl,rr'l r;rr,rr. llrrrrr rr r,,r ., r, ,rr r lrrlrl llr.r.r:
wt:rt: sl0l'ics loltg llclirrr. l,,rr, r,r:l.rl lr rrtr ltt l,r rr.r,r rr
lr.s,
sttlrit:s irt t:itt:lt 1ll,;ttl.,l f',r',r\\, rrr',,rr ,r rrrr,rr, rrr,gr,r rrrrrrg.
'l'hc.y lirrgt:r';rtrl
;4r',w irrrrr ,rrr1 \1 .r, , r, rr rrI rrrr rrr r,r,l rrrr:
sttlrit:s sUcklr. .yorrr. lrr.r';rsl, tlrlt'll r.ir,,r lllr irr lrr rr rllrrrr
l)tltt't t:ttntt'1, ltr. lirr';rrrrrr.r,,. r rrtrrr, trr,,r rrr ,rrr1 rrrr.r rs.
NOthirrg ittt .lrl wonraur lr,rr l, ,,rrr r rrrr,, ,rrrr lr rrr r1,lrr
irr
this tlusl rlr'.y lvilrrl. \Y,r'rls * rlr llirlrr, irrrl 11 illrr r lr r I ,,pr.;rk
still, lht: worrls, llrr.1 n,ill s;rlrr rrr.rr ll I r llr, lr nrr tlr.tlr.
rlttlld ltt.y lills irr
'r'r'.lr llrr rlrr,,r.rr,1 rr.t ir,,r l,r 1,, I
spttak tlrcrn, lrul lirr. n lror.r r.r I rr rll I itrrr ( nrrl ',rr r r
;t lltt:
cruntlts l't'onr rrry lrr.rl ,rrrrl lrr. rlorr rr lrr .,trlr rrrr I lrr rr , tlr,rl's
nit:c. Mur:lt lr,;u'rrrcr.rrillr lrro iurrl llrl rrnrrl., rr tll
COm[);trt.y. ll'sont('onr. slrorrl(l lrltor lr nn llrr tl,,,rt rt,.'ll
welcttnrc llrcrrr inlo llrrs lrr.rl ol t,rlr.s
0l't:0trt'st:, rltct'r' \\,rs ,r rrurr. rr rrltt l rr rr,, rrr
19
silent. It's only when you are truly beaten there is nothing to
say but breath.
!14ren the wind wails likc a woman and rain tastes of
blood, it is time to removc your skin and fall naked from
your body. 'l'his wind. So little rain when the wind is static
dry. lVhen I stoop and shuflle with the scritch of slippers, the
electricity builds in my wire body, my hair I'loats, a white
aura, and I'm alraid to touch. If I went outside, lightning
would collect about. my hcad, thunderclouds about my feet.
But I'vc nevcr left this dusty housc, it ]rasn't tleen thc time.
(Murasaki: llow long havc wc been in bed, Obachan?
Naoc: I don't know.
Murasaki: Ilow long will wc stay in bed, 0bdchan?
Naoe: Child, I don't know.)
You wonder who scnds me these packagcs, don't vou. 'l'hese
1ou.
umystery pachagcs' you call them. You cannot read the
charactcrs, only trace the lines with your lingcr. Childhood
sweetheart, you read. Aging lovcr. No, a woman whose life
you saved whcn she llung hcrsclf o{I'the platform and you
grabbed the back ol'hcr mat and the train roared by, inches
Irom her facc. No, child, no. 'l'hcsc packagcs, thcse gifts are
'sent to me from your great unclc, my brother, and his wifc,
hr r ;r rrs Irumiko. Ycs, thcre was a time rvhcn I rvas a child and had a
baby brother. Now he is as rvithered as I am worn and his
wife, Fumiko, no longer plants dailton and eggplant seeds in
rrrr ,rrr(r the garden. 'l'hcy pluck cobwebs with their lingers and
 20
21

weave the ttrrr:arl irrr, riay rrrlr.rrrrr.rr, rrp,lrr irrr lrr.rrrrr,

;rs own accord and words fell from my tongue like treasure. I
thought.'l'hc.y lcll r.rrrlr ollrr.r, llrlr,rr, ltlrrrr llrry p,,,;rtlrt:r
couldn't stop. Didn't try to stop. They swirled, swelled, and
threads togcthr:r. llr:llr ,l'r;rirrr,, rrllvr,r lrrrir yr,rl.rvr.rr rl.y
eddied. The words swept outside to be tugged and tossed by
motes of dust, l-ht:.y sli. lihr.rlrrrr.r llrrnrrlir,r ln rlr. r rr,rrr.r.s,t'
the prairie-shaping wind. Like a chain of seeds they lifted,
the rooms. S, lrrr:k.y lix'rlr.rrr, rrrr.y rrr,r, rn,, orr. r.rrrr lrr.gi,
then scattered. 0bachan and I, our voices lingered,
forming rhc wrlrrls, rrr.,rlrr.r' rixrr.rrrrrg, .,rrr rl rrr',rrr. wJr,
reverberated off hollow walls and stretched across the land
speaks should tirr:, llrr:,rlrr.r'rrr rlr.r,r.rrr lrrrrnlr llrr.v r.rr
r.;rr:lr with streamers of silken thread.
other legends, nr.ylhs. 'l'lrr.y r.r. r,r,r.nlr, lugrllrr.r.

Naoe
Muhas h i, ttt, tt.ht ts l t,i, rttttt l, . r, u l t, h t,, t,,, t l, t t, l t t
t lr t t.t l t t r

obasun,S;tt irrtt ts lt i l t t. lt t ttt r t t tl il rt t tr l t t t rltt \. t t t t.,t, l t, t \t,

Words, words, words, WORDS. Ahh, words grow heavier
binbodutkt.srttt,tr
every day, upon my bony back. My body folds over itself
(Naoc: l),.y,rr lrr:r,' wlrrrr I llry ,r',rrry lr.rrrrr 1,rr rr,,rrrr,,) under the weight. My back groaning, akiramete. Give up.
You crush your crinkled spine with the stones you drop from
Mulrushi, m,ulttuhi, t,llt.tttntt t,,,u.tilt, tltu,tu tttt. !t1t.. 11
1,11 your mouth, hurl from your gut. I sew my Iips together with
imashikt
a curved needle, but the words seep from my nostrils, my
(Na,c: will.y,rr lisr.rr wrrlr r,r,r*, r.rrr lrrrrr r r,,,r.
1,,rr. eurs, even leak from my paper dry eyes.
cyos lo llrouglrli,)
"You sit there and mutter and tault me in Japanese just
for spite," Keiko hisses from the crack between the kitchen
M ukas hi" ut rtl,t tsl t,i t t, t t
door and frame, one eye stabbing me through the tiny
(Naoc: Wllat in.(:.yorr wrrilrrrg lor,,,)
space. It is not so, Keiko, but the door has already clicked
shut before I can explain. Why. Even I don't know,
I can'1. It:art'1. lr:;1;1'1. llrur'l.ilrut,l lr rrrr,llr,tn,lir irr,l sometimes. The words of an old woman can change little in
this world and nothing of the past so why this torrent of
I stop.
words, this tumble of sounds such roaring, sweeping,
chanting, sighing. Hummmm. I only know I must.

I turncd nr.y lrr:irrl sr,wry irr orlrrr,rrlrrr'r rrrI, rrrr. lrrrrr rr .,..,rrr:rr
Gawa gawa gaLoa gau)a
and stilI. lrrltalt:rl rlrrsl iutrl por.lry. Slrr. Hlroltr,rl rrry lur
clrr.;rrl Oto tatete
with hcr llalrrr arrrl lrr:r' w,rrrs, rlr.y lr,w'rr ilrtrr r .,rrrrpipirr.rr
Are are mori no muko hara,
close, curlt:rl lrr.y k:gs:rrrrr sr,pgr.rr pl'r.rr.rrrrrrrg r. rrrrrrr.r,,,r.rrrrr.
Soro soro detekuru hikosen.
only listc,r:rl- Arrl lisr.lr.rr. 'r'rrr.rr rrry rrr,rrrlr ,l,r.,r.rr ,l ils Marukute annani ho sonagahu
 22
23

IJanana no y(t ni.lirh'rtntrttIrt

barns. 'l'here, the silk worms hatched from pin-prick eggs.
Fukunt no rutlttt tti tt.tt nttui pltt ttrtt
We were their nurses. !-ed thcm, changed their sheets of
mulberuy leaves, fed them, sorted them, led thcm. When
we learned it in hinrrr:rg;rr'rr:rr.
\r,s, *,r. rr;rrr riirrrrr.r.g;rr.rt:n,
they were tiny, tinier than eyelash or breath, we had to
eighty years ago, in.ltrJr;nt, wlrcrr. I sirrr rrry lrr.st lrlirlrll.
A mince the mulberry lcaves with great knivcs. The leaves
zeppelin. Somcthirrg lrrrgr.;rrrrl llo,rtrrrli ,\ sorrg
Io stained our hands green swcct. No one talked, this nursery
commemoratc a trlirrrll. wr:, rirr.rr r'irrr rr.rrrrr.r'.rr s,rrr.rrrirrg
so hugc, stl s0litl, I'l,irrirrg;rrr,r,r,,rrr. lrr.,rrlr rrrrlr
of extravagance. Each wclrnan. each girl keeping the
rlrr. r..;r.,f' unwrittcn silence, and thc onl-v sounti thousands upon
heated air. Wt: t:l;r1tp.rl ,,r. lt;rrrrls;rrrrl r,,rrr .,r1rrr.,rlrrryq
;tl.lrlr thousanrls upon thousands ttl'minisculc jaws rnunching in
the silly br<lwn tlalloorr, our. lr.;rr.lr.r.r.lrir.,rrr1, rr., l.rslir.rl
about thc wrlrtis irr llrr: sorrg.
lrr:r ferocious appetite. Each night I drcamt my body was
covered with scluirming, murnching, def'ecating worms,
"Sensei, thc lllirrrp is rrol 1r.llorr,', |,,,rrrl
uNt)," wrigglin6; into my nosc, my cars my eyesmymoutir.
i.lg4l.t:t:tl rtr.y tr:;rr.lrr,r., ,,il rs r r.r \ lrro\\ rl
ullut why, Screamed. Until 0kasan came and touchcd nry face with
ilt llrc solrg, tlor.s rl s,r\ llrl lrlrrrrP , lrllr.rl rrJr
r

like a banana?'l'hr: lllirrrlr is lrrorlrr ,rrrrl rt r,rn,t r.\r rr :,lr;rpcti her cool hands. 'fhe dreams did nol. last. My body tuned to
the rhythm of the worrns, thcir weekly sleep, two days, then
lihe a banana."
shedding skin and growing growing. I even grew to like
"lt is onl.y a solrf"!, N;r,r.r.rr;rr,,rrrrr rrr. rr,r.rr,,,rr.rr.r rlritI
thern, hairless, crcam whitc and solt as Lhc skin ort a baby's
importanL. Wt:;r'. lr;r1lgr1, l, sr.r, llrr. lrlrrrr,,rrrrl rr(.\rrH;l
mcrry s{)ng," shr: srrrilr:rl. neck. Somctimes, I cupped grown lvorms, Lhich as my
ullut it's rt,I {inger, in my hand and liftcd thcm to my cheek. Skin the
r.rrr'- lvr';r'r'srri,,r],,,r .,,rfi, rrrrr rrrr.rr,r.(rs
scent of mulberry bavcs. Thoughts of infant pigs and green
arc n0[ lruo."
rabbits. 0ur job rvas finishcd whcn l"hcy rvrapped them-
"ll'.ytttr lr:;tvt:;r ll,;ta;,r;r,rrr rrr rrrr',,r, r.r ,r r,rr1,, rrrrrr..
iI selves up with Lheir prccious thread. lVc pilcd thern on trays
turns bl'0wn,.you lirrow, N;roc r.lr,rrr ,'
like so many quilted eggs and Lhey werc tahen away. Our
work was done.
Gaun gzu)u {uut(l iiuu,u

'l'hcrc was nol t.rrorrglt lr(ln(.\ One cocoon in my pocket.

lor rrrr lo .,1;t\ rrr ,,r lr,,,,l Silt.ll
a pit.y, llrt: tr:;tt:lrt.r.s s;rirl, \olr tr. ,,ur It ,t r lr \r I I save rvinte r moths l'rom Keiko's vacuun) clcancr. I
I'r I \r.rt:t' tuck thcm into l"hc lolds ol'm.v clothes, and when everyone is
mind,.yorr'll rlo;rll r.iglrl, 1ou'r.r. ,,ur lr rt r lt rr r
lrrr I ltrrl llrt'r.g asleep I mix sugar with water and {bctl thcrn lnrm lhe cup of
was r)ol t:rtouglt rnon(,\, lirr. lroohs
mY palm.
I wr:rtt lo wor.k ;rl ;r srll, l,rlrrr l lrr.t lonlrt rl ,rl rrrl
lr,rrrrlS, 1

my ba<;k, lltr: sizr. ol rrrl lr.lqs ,urrl ,,1rt ltr ll llrr

1'r,,rrirtg
 24

Therc a.c irr{os,r'sir.rr.r'.rrrrr ,r1ir..,,r

r,,rrrrrli \\rrr., r rv;rs said the words. Just the beat of blood in my temples
younf{ and llt:;tttlilirl, rrrt lips nr.rr.rnr
ornrrnr.trl rrporr rrr.y chanting, "l did not r:hoose Lo marry. I did not choose to
face' N,w,t.v l;r.r' is .rrrrrr,r.rr rr rrrr r
irr. .rrrr,,r.,rrr., ;rrr,r.rr marry.'
my chcclis. M.y rtr,rrrlr rrrrr.srs *rrrr.irrrrr
rrrr. rr,rrr,, rrilr ,rrl,;r Choices made rcmain unchangcd and usclcss to wish it
torrent .l' ttttist: ;tatr sr';rrrr.r',, \rr ,rrr \r,rr,rr
rl, ,r rr,rrr., otherwise. Choose now! I shout, Choose now! The wind
chair rnighr rt,r rl. rrrrr.lr r, r,,rr ,rr, rrrrr ,.rr.I
rrr,,rrr' rrr.r,r.r.r.r. howls, forccs dust through searns in the walls, and swirls a
o[sourrrl ;rlrrl l;rll irrto;1 1111.11,111,1
dry wcb around me. Choose! I scream and dust turns l"o mud
I was marri.rl, o.(,(., l, ;r r,,r,, llrr.rr rr. rlrr,r, in the pit of my throat. Ilut that cannot stop me. I ball the
r.rl l\l,st mud with the back of my tongue and sperv it out with the
unhcard,1, l'ili.y.y(.;,.s iti.lr, trr ,l,r,rrrr lrrrl
\lirIrrt, rr,rr llrr] lorcc o[ rny words.
onc to Cr.y wlrr:rr llrr. l'in;tl p.tp(.r.\ 11 r,tr. ,,tl,trr
rl \l lrr n rt \.\irs
hc wh, sttrtgltl lltr.r,,rrrlirr.l ,l ,r rr.,,1,,,
,r rl;rrrl,lrtr r ,,rl \rlrrH "Hssssst. Naoe. Not marricd yct? N{y, oh rn_v. Old Miss, Naoe.
and tcatlt:t', slt. tlirrrr'r sr,r, rrrr. rr r,,rr,rr,,,,,
.rr,,rrrr rr., rrr,rrrrr, You're nothing but an OId Miss. Juices all dried up and
his c.y.s, rrlrtil it rvits 1,, l,tlr. l,,r lrr r
llr \\,1., rrrt ,rll l, nothing frcsh left. You're leltovers. Thc shop's closcd and
blamc, t)l'r:ottt'st'. rr';rrr sir rrllr rrurr rrr
ilu,, rrnrrr,,r rr,.,rr .rrrrr nothing lelt excepL shrivellcd plums and dried out apples.
tttut:[t ]ltt: ttt.ltr,r.ir,\ \.\ tllt r ,rl lrrr,r r,,
I r ,rrr .,r.r. llr. Iletter hurry, Naoe. Ilcl"tcr hurr5,, or your 0tosan will have
attrat;liOrt ol';t .yotrrrg pirr.l,s l,rr. \
\,rrrrp, 1,rr1,,, ,rlrr,rtr{},. anothcr thing to cry about. You poor thing. [1"'s almosl. t.oo
l'irrr tts s, slittr;rrrrr lt'r';rsrs \r,
\-rrf,rrrr,l rr,rrrrrrrrr rr ,rr \,r1. Iate.'
ltlngttt:. A git. I 1,. \()l,tl,, l, r.\ltr,l tr ,r r
lrr l,rr,rr llrr.
wo;tkttt:ss l'ioilr(' In('n (,ur'\ r rrrrr nor
r.nr 1 rrr r llrrrrr ,r rrr.r. I didn't care. I really dirln't.
bcaut.y. I rlirl lrr,r. ;r yrr.orrpi, lrr,r ,rrr,,r ,,lrr
prr\ r 1rr tlrr r(.,r ()1
Ltl lt:avt:;t ttt;t.t'i;tgr. I rtr.r.r.r.lr.,,r,rrr.rrr.r
\,rl ,,1r, r, r.rrlr.r. 0td foot. 0[ course I cared, or I didn'1" not oare cnough. I did
thc sllar:c l(r:iko;trrrl I lcll lrr,lrrrrrl rr,,
t'Nit(x:." get marricri aftcr all. Could havc rcfuscd, could havc stayed
ltt'wlrispr.r.r.rl,..r,rnr, lo urr ,. 1 lr ll
llrr r,rrrlor.l home, could have swung fi'om the raf'ters by a long silh
ti'my.fful'tt.;,rrl .r';rl'l.rl lrr.rrr.,rrlr lrr,,
lrl,rrrr,r r., l,r, , r r1,rrl ,rrrrl cloth. (lould have-l l"houghl" about all <ll'tht:se things and
spinc sli11. llr.w;rs ,()l ,,1\,,1 llr.,
lrirrrrl,, rr, rr ,,,,,,,, ,,,,,, morc, but thcrc thcy rcrnaincd. As thoughts. I acl"ed on
gcntlc' l\:r'1r;rps il rr. rr;rrr
lr,rr r.rr rrr,, rr,,,,,rrr, ,rrlr I.rr.r.r.(l nothing and my lips only opencd to sorcarn whcn Kciko was
my m,trllt rvitlt lris;rrrrr lr.r',rrrr.rr ,,rrrr.rrr,,rr
rr,r, r\ ,rl, rlr(, wrenched lrom my bodv with grcat glcarning hoohs.
roots, bttt il w;ts rtol lltr. l;rslrrorr lo
hr,,,, iurl I\\.r,, n,t rrrllrrrg uOt0san, rvhcrc
does pain corne fi'orn?"
to part rrt.y liJls. llr.
;r;rrllrl nt\ ttt,tlttlrr rr rllr r rrr r lrrl lr,rrrrl,,,rrrrl
touchctl nty llr.r.irsls, rrrt llr11,lt., ll rr
l,, not rllrlr ,r.,rrr,rlrlr., I(cilio and I, our dill'crcnces rcrnain. Ilut thcrc are timt:s
tltis tttuchirtg, ;r rrrl I rr,rs ,rlrr.r\,, r r,,rrl\ rr
lrr rr lrr.. lrorll when one can touch thc ot-hcr without languagc to disrupt
COvered ,,tiltt:. Ilul I ttr.r,r.t.rrrorr.rl
ln lrrlr lr lrrnr ,rrrrl I rrr rr.r, us. Daughtcr lrom m1- tlod.,v, but not fi'om mv rnouth. 'l'ht:
 26
27

words we speak leavc snrail rl.rrisr.s,rr lrrr.sriirr.

rrrrr wrrar You carry the groceries infrom the garage, the bite o! minus
she utters lrom her Iitr:t: tlor:srr,l ;tlrr,,;t1s (,(]nrr.
I.r.onr lrr:r thirty-seuen degrees Celsius cutting through the warmth of
heart. Sometirncs, wo aro;t[lkt t, l,rr.lr llrr..llrr.r.*,rllr
gr:rrll. the kitchenfaster than you con, close the doon I set the La.st pot
thoughts and gentler hantis. Wr: slill lr;rr.,r.,rrr.
lr;rir.rlirys, irrrrl on the draining boarul and dry mry hands.
she still ashs me to crearr rrr:r'r';r's. srr.rr ir ri.;rgirr.rr.rrstirg
"Did you shut the garage dortr?" I ask, and you shake
thing, to have one's cars t:lr:i,r.rl lrl \{)rr(.orrr.,
ll,s rr.l your head. I sticlt, my.feet inkt your large snow bools and pktd
something you can ask ,['ovar..yor(.. tr rs rrr,r.r.
;r \\,orr;r, arukwardly outside. 1t is so utld Lhat Lhe uutornatic guruge
contact, somcthing l.hat bo.ys gr,orv rrtrl 6l llrrl
,lrl *,rrrr:r) door is incapable of being an automatic anylhing. I haue to
will turn to their daughk)r's r, lr;r'r, rrr.rr.rr;rrr.r.,rrr^rr
;rr.r.r.. press the button, th,en reach up lo grab the rim of the door to
Grourn women wiil stiil ttr.rr t, rlrr.ir';rgr.rr rrr,rrrr.r.s
irrrrr ;rsli drag it shut. Only I am stupid. So stupid. I didn'l bother to
to have their ears cleancd. As l,.g l(r.ilt,;rrlts
rrrr. t,, | put any gloues on and the pads of my Jingers are still damp
she trusts mc. ^,,\y
I am an old woman, arttl I ;lrr from washing dishes, I am stuck to the garage door uith my
;rlso slrrlrlror.rr , lrrrl llr;rl hands aboue my head and the ruind k tearing like kniues into
doesn't mean I'm stupitl arr<l lrillr,r.. ll's orrlr
rlr,rt I spcrrl so my back.
much time saying nothirrg irr rnl lorrtlr, I lr.rrr.
to rnitl\('ltl) "IleLp!" I 3'eLL, stuclt betuteen crying wiLh rxtld and puirt
lbr things unsaid in [his h,ust: ,r'rrrrsr ;rrrrr rrr,lrr
and kt.ughin,g at my oLL)n stupidiLy. "ll h lt h-heLp!" I Lauglt/cry
I'here aro so man-v nrotrrs rrris rr';rr', ir's,ril rrrr.r.,rirr
rvc and you sliclt your head around the corner
had this spring, som(,sit.y. lw;ril lirr.tlrcrrr, r..rr.lr
rri;1lrl. lrr "lilhal's u;rong?'
fluttcr from the wrinklr:s irr rrr.y r.l,llr.s l,r.,,lr.
,r'r.s, sill\, "l'm stuck to the garage cloor, my Jingers, they lroze on
about moths. I(ciko bats h.r. lr;r rrrls;r'.rLrrrl 1,,.,.
1,,.,,rrl, the door," I guLp, Darrn tears roLLing down my icy J'ace,
crushes thcm with warlrlt:rl lilr:.rr.r, .t. srr.'s
tlrr.rrr rr, rr,illr laughter bursting Jrom my Lips Like gasps. You ure arnazed,
the vacuum cleancr. ul)il.l.y, I'iltlrt, irrslr.ts,,, rlr(.
\irls. neDer houing seen a human actuaLLy.freeze ond stich to
Murasaki pl,ps empty ouJ)s,vr:r. llr.rrr ;rrrrl slrrlr.s
.r ,rr.r.r.,l. something. You rush to my side, breathless with concern. And
paper underneath so shc (i,.srr't rr;r'r' r,
rrr,;rr.rrrt,rr.ri.r,rrzt ,[, I usotch, mule utith horror and.fascinalion, as you open your
wings against her skirr' srrr: r,ss.s rlrr, rrr,rrrs
,rrrsrrrr. ;rrrrl rnoulh, eilend your tongue, to Lit:lt my.fingers .liee. Steam
they fluttel'back towarrl tlrc Iiglrt. lr.rrp tlrr.rrr
rrr rrrl ;r;rlrrrs rLses moist from the uttrmth qf your rrututh, buL lhe usarmth
and stare.'l'hcy are as f'trr.r..y;rs rrricr.girr.rr
rlu\t\ \1 rrr;s. I Li nothtng compared lo lhe iry strength o.f an Alberta winter
would likc [, str.rrc Irr. ['r.,, rrrr.ir.rr,rrir.:,,
rrrr rrr.v day. Your tongueJieezes lo ltte garage, jusl. aboue myftngers.
trembling hands arc clunrs.y. So I orrl\ lrolrl
,rrrrl loo[. We are so pathetic I arn hughing and laugh,in,g un,til I
\4/hisper.'l'hey sta.y a,d listt:rr lrr. ;r rrlrilr,
;rrrrl llrr,r.r.,r*;r' can't stop. You slarl laughing Loo, bul it rips al your tongue
with the whir of'br:atirrg wirrgs.
malting your eyes u)ater. f[ot sahy lectrs drip dou;n your;far:e,
 28
29

land on your tongue, nty.l'i.tt,gt:r..s. l.tttt ltttt;ilt

,rtl.t lrt (.,,s( Murasaki
yourself pain. So that it rruth,rs
.tou t.t.t lttrtli t,rtrtttyilt ltt rrt,r:ll
the ice that holtls us.
0bachan's bed of tales was a good placc to dream in. Her
You soothe a balm on rrty.firt.gt:r.l
n,ords somctirne s notcs ol'music insl"cad ol' symbols to
i1t.s rtrttl lltt,r.t. ts rrrtl ltrrty; l, ltt: decipher. Lay my head in hcr bony lap and swallow sound.
donefor your tongue er(:(:tr)t rtt srroltt tr trrrrt sttrrtt, ttf.rlt,t: 'l'here are worse places to bc whcn you are thirteen. 0f
stickyJlesh ol the ahr: ucru plttttt.
"lt's a bit bilLer," yrttt rttrttlrllt., course there were timcs whcn my Mom and I had
trr.rtrrrttl lltr lttt r rt tuttl
stickiness in your mluLlt,. conversations. But the things wc spoke ol never lingered in
my heart or deep insidc my head. She couldn't offer me
"Do you uant me h ltiss ttrttl rttrtl,t, tl lttlltr..,,, I tt.th.
rvords I craved, arrd I didn't linrirv how tu asli.
"Not'l'hank y,u.,lusr go ott tt,trrt
.tt,r.\rt)t.t ttt rtrrtrt.,r, It's casy to travcl disLances il'vou I'lv on a bcd of stories.
haue to think about htttt, rrtttt.h nt.t lt)ni:ut,
r.r,rtll.t ltrtr.l.s ,, NIy Morn didn't tell talcs at all. r\nd thc onlv rnalie-bclieve
I blow on my,fingers rtrtrl .s.lllt,rrtt lt.rtrl ttt llt. trttt,rrt,
cup of your thiglus.
she knew was thinking that. shc was as lvhite as her
neighbour. I wanted to hear bcdtime stories, hear lics and
truth disscrnbled. I wanted to fill thc hollorv with sound and
pain. Roar like the prairie rvind. lioar, like 0bachan.

(Naoe: Child, here is a story for you. Somewherc to

begin.)

Mukashi, muhashi, rjmulmshi. . .

lYhcn thcrc was nothing bul thc primcval watcrs, Izanarni

and Izanagi lcit thcir cclestial homc, crossing a bridgc of
many coklurs.
' uWherc arc wc going?" Izanagi callcd t"o his sister, who
slrode ahearl of'him.
"W0 arc going d{)wn," Izanami ansrvt:rcd. 'l'hc bottorn
ol'hcr robc staining trluc artrl grocn arrtl violct fi'orn Lht:
seeping bridgc.
"llut t.here is nothing dor,rm thcrc 0xcept oily waLcr,"
 30
3',|

Izanagi cried, lagging fir rt lrrr r I x. I r i r rr l.

ul{urry! or thc swelling outward until all thc rvater hummed a singing blue.
brirrg. wi, r)rrr. ,rr rr.,rrr rrrrrrr.r. yr)ur
feet." "'l'hat's nice,' lzanagi sighcd.
uNow it's your turn," his sister said.
lzanagi lookcd back, arrrl slr.(. (.n()u11lr, tlrr. lrr.irlgc ulet there be light!"
was
slowly fading, its colours ovillx)r,jttirrg lilir. rrrrsr
uHow will "No! No!" lzanami shouted. "'Ihat's not the way to do it.
we g0 horrrci," llrt lroy p;rrrtcrl, r.rrrrrrirrg a 'lhke it back!'
little to catch up with rris sisr.r'. rrr.r.;rrrpilrr lrr.r. lr;rrrrr uYou
;rrrd said there were no rulcsl" her brothe r complained
held tightly, looking ba(:h ,rrr:r, ,r.r.(., l, llrr.
;ir.,r,r,irrg Jl,.t) in his normal voice.
that separatecl them I'r,rrr trrr: gr,n,ilrg rrgrrts ,r
rrr.rr. rrr.;rv.ll.
"lt's tirne to maht: ir rraw rr,rrrr.," ir srrrr. rrr.y,;rrr r, rir.*t
"l said the re were no rules, but thcre is suclt a thing as
good tastc and understated bcauty. Makc this mittomonai
on Izanam['s lips.
light go away,' lzanani said. *llcsides, thc sli.v anri watcr
"llow Can you makt: it ,(,w lr,rrrr,., ,l
1r.r.r.,., rrrllrirtg
down here excepl. blat:k willr:r.,', lzirrr;rpii ,rr.yirrr.rl, aren't blue anymorc. You madc Lhem turn into a sickly olivtt
trr rslrrrg ltis
fingers inside lzanarni,s t:,,1 i{r.irsl). ll. rr,,rs ,rrrlir colour with that awlul light."
v r.'illr ltis u0kay, I take i[ back,' lzanagi muttercd. 'l'he sky and
sister who had takan hirrr r)',rrr lris .,rrrr,r,r,rrrrr, rr,rrrr,.
ilt) water turned blue again anrl l.he siclily bright light
had been eatixg gingho rrrrts,,;rrrrl .,r'lrr. \1 .r\ srl'r.\
lrr: lrirtJ disappearcd.
not brought any witlr Irir,, lirr. llrr.r,r.r,r,rrlrl lr' rr,tlrrrrg
t,.at "Now it's my turn," lzanarni said.
in this oily u/ater (]xoo[)r ;r ri'rv rrrrsiyilrrrl lr,lrrlrslr. rrr,sr uNo fair! You cancelled rn.v light so I should gcI another
unpalatable unlcss tliJlpr.rl i, lr,l
l)(.1,1)(.r ,rrrrl :,r,s,rrrrr.sr:r:(l tu-rn."
oil.
uNo, il you botch your turn, yt)u'vc uscd it utrl. []csides,
"We are gods," lzarriutri sitirl, rlt'oltlllrlq lrr.r' lrr.ollrcr.,s
we have to hurry. 'l'he bridgc is almost faded and wc still
hand. uWe oan crca[(:.,,
don't have anything to stand on.' lzanami stood, tapping her
"Oh," lzanagi was ir littlr lirkcrr ,rlr,rr.l, "\l lr,rl .rr.r. llrr)
rulcs ?'
foot on the last wisps of rainbow bencath their lce L.
uAll right,' lzanagi muttcred. 'llut hurry up. I'm getting
"'l'hcrc arc no rulos,,, lz;rrr,;rrrri llr;rrrlcrl, ,rrrrl :,irt ing iI
aloud made it so. hungry."
They reachcd tht: [ilrtt ol'tlrr. lrr.irlir,r, rr lrlr,r. llrr. r,olours Izanami dipped hcr lingers in thc cool blue watcr and
seeped into thc black lv;tlcr', lrttlt r.rrrpqs r;tr r,,rrlrrrpi ffung the tlroplcts back into thc watcr. ul rvish lor green
lrluc, islands, like jewcls, to rise lrorn tltc sea,' shtt chantcd.
grecn and violc[.
ul)on't forget the gingko [rees,' lzanagi said, poking his
"'l'his watcr is rlisJllr:;rsirrg. I rr islr lltl rr,rlr.r lo lr,llt.r:[
the color ol' thc shy." At ht:r, rvorrls, tlrr. n,rlr'r' sister in the ribs with his lbrelingcr.
r rlrplr.rl ;rrt11 uAnd gingho trees like giants to reach and ernbrace the
spread away I'rom wlrt:r.t: slrr.stoorl .l
f',t'orr rrt;,, r.tt't.lt: sky."
 32
33

Thc dr,Jllt:ts ,I
w,;rlr't. r',rr;ir,,rlr.rl, .,rr r ll.rl, ;ir,,rvirtg You hover about. mv ears my oyos? you touch the Lhings I
Sreen and hcalth.y. llrrr.slirrg witlr nrotrntrrrrr:. ,rrrrl r,rlltrs ;rnd care to dwell in.
the rush rtf wat.rlirlls, rlr. srlrr';rli ,l lirrgli, lr,r'l\
iir.o\vir)g. Yet.
Izanami and lzarragi str';rp.rl .ll rlrr,irlrrr.rr l,rrrr.rl rr.irlgc
onto the firrn,64rt:r:rr srrrclIirrg soiIoI IIrr.rrr.n r,,l,rrrrI
Mom and l)ad made rne worh at the rnushroom farm. An
"N icc," lzanagi sigl rcr l.
odious job, literally, when you are a child. 'l'hey wanted me
llcneath [ht: arrrrs ol ;r ;ir,r.,rl y,ltrgilro trr.r, tlrr,1 r.ollcclcd
to learn about responsibility and patience and forbearance
the Iallen lrrrit. lzirlr;rrni ;rrrrl lz,;rrr,r1,,r r,rrl r.,rr lr ,rlrr.r,r;rlr.s as
and how mone.v must be carned and not taken for granted
thcy peclcd Iht: outcr, srrrr'llr llr.rlr irrrrl lo,r.,llrl llrr. irrrtt:r
and other basically lundament"al Baptist attitudes. I hated it.
nuts in l.hc t:nrtlt:rs o[';r l'ir.r'. 'l'lrr.1 prrrlrr.rl llrr rutl,, orrl ol lltc
The sour stink of compost and the armpit smell of
low bluc antl or';rrrgc I'lirrrrr.s rr rtlr ,r .,trr h Irr lrlrl Ilrr.rrr rr1),
mushroom soil. No hids but me, and thcy made me do jobs
still too hot t<l harrrllc, lrur.rrirryl tlrlrr lrrr;,r 'r lrp,,,rrrrl lorrgttt)S that were most boring and most mcaningless.
in thcir cagorr)oss lo cirl lltrrrr uGirl,' .loe said, "go rnalie boxcs.'
I haLed him. Calling mc girl and making me make
(Murasaki: Olrilr:lritrr, tltis stolr tlr il ',lot \ \l)ll
1,, boxes. Ilated the way cardboard scraped against cardboard
hcard lvhr:lr vorr rvcr.r. lril lr",
in that raspy squeak and the hair on my arms stood up and
prickled up my neck and not in a pcc-your-pants-l'eel-good-
Naoc: (lhiltl, tlris is rrol tlrr.stor.r lll ,rr rrlrl lrrrl rl's llrc
way cithe r.
story I tr:ll. lt is llrr,rr;rtlrrr ol rrrrr rl', lr,, lr.rrr;,r' rr illt
"Girl,' he said, "go do bloclis."
thc tt:l lirrg.'l'lrr'1, ;rlr. r.l r;r r ry,,r r r1, r \nilt lrttrrl r.rr.tt ils
r r
I hated him. Calling nrc girl and mahing nlc sct bkrcks
I spcah.)
between every post of'cvcry bcd o1'mushrooms. Doing the
dumbest job on what everyone called the Green Machinc. A
Mom ncvcr loltl rrrt: ol' lrr,r. r.lrilrllruorl ,,l o t rr'., I l rc lr. is a
huge asscrnbly line that looli a stacl{ of'bcds on on0 end
hollow in rn.y ht:;rrirrg lrrrrrst lrll rrn nt\ r)\\rr \ol likc then jerked them down the line, one by one, for either
0bachan, wlro Itlt';rtlrcrl rrolrls rrr ,rrrrl ort ,rll rl,rt \lolt'S
spawning or loading or oasing. Why it was called casing I'll
voice only rattlr:rl lilir' ;r lirrt rrrrilrrrrrrrrr ll ,nt {)lltr.t \1 is(l
never know. All we did was cover the sparvned shit wirh
empty buckct. llcr slor.ir.s rrrrrst lrr.rr1,, l1 llrrrrp,,, lrllr.rl w,it[t
peat moss. \Vhere did thc cases comc in? And me with thc
bittcrness and pairr.'l'lrr'1r;rirr oI rrr.rtr lr,rr rrrl, lolrl \rrrl l);rrl.
dumb job ol'blocking every pos[ with a lbul by fbur cube of
the man whtt ultlr:irr.rrs lt,illr lltr,r,.r,.r. ,,1 lrrr',rllr llrs is;r
woori so that the spaccs bctrvcen thc bctls ivoulri bc biggcr.
physical rcspons(:, lilit: ir ltrrcr. l,nollr.,rr rrl'r,r .,rr.r.zittg
Wider. ltunning around thc bcd to get thc lour corners, Lhcrr
after lookiltg at Lht: srrrr. llr: is ;rs lrl;rrrrr,lr..,, 1,r,, tr { lr,rrrrr.lcrln
punching the button so that the bcd was cramrncd uprvard
changing colour. Yt:alt, srrr.r'. Olr;rr.lr,ur. \r. I ( )lr,rr lr,rrr. slill.
piling t.hcm on top of cach other sometimcs six high rvhen
 34
35

the forkliftwas too sklw in t:rlrrrirrg llirr:k rrrrr it iril rr:t:lt:ring

"Girl,' Joc said, uphr)nc."
and the fear of it toppring arrrr r:r'rrslrirr{,r(: srrrpirr arrrr no uGirl,' ,loe said, "1lick room twelve."
way a hard hat would savo rr. .v.rr il' l wirs wr.;r'ilrg <lne.
"lsn't. [hat be'ing steamed?' I asked.
Cailing me girl. uStcaming
ucirl,' he said, ubrcah." it t.omorrow," ,loe said.
ul don't think I should have to pick
it. It's not worth Lhe

uM,riel, some effort. All I'll gct is a couple ol'crates of diseased number
lJoat Pcoplr: ,r.r: r:,lrrirr14 r, wrr.k ,. rrrr: r;r'rrr,, twos. Only worth a buck a pound. lt's not worth it,' I stood
Mom said.
my ground. For my picking rights.
"\4rhat do you mcan, Ikrat l1:oplr:1," I rrskr.tl. *0hhhh?" Joe said, ir his
annoying lvay. uYou the boss
"They are peopl. wll, lr:l'l Vir,trrrrrrr lrr.r,;r,s. il,s a now, girl?"
diflicult place to livc [lct:ausr. (]rtrrrrrrrrisrs lr;rv. r;rkr:rr it
Grabbcd buckets off the shelf, cling clang rattle and
over and the standard ol'living's lrr.r.rr s, r.r.rlrr.r.rl rlr;rr rhcy
muttering muttering bcneath my breath. "I'll girl you, you
just can't bear to stay. Or li,,s,,rr,pr.rplr., it,s t.r,1,,,,,g,.,.,,rs
asshole. N{ahe me pick in the I'uckin' junh room all by
to stay. And they had t, srrr:irlt ;lw;t.y o, lr,:rls, llr.r.;rrs. il is
myseL{. l,'uckin' stinks in hcre. Ah, god! 'l'herc's nothing in
against the law to lcavr:. lrr: v.r'.y rri.r.r, rrrr.sr.
1l.,1lrc, here but stinkin' number twos and green mold! Why do 1
Muriel. They've suflercrl so nnr(:Ir."
have Lo bother with pickin' them I'or f'uck's sahe. 'l'hey
"Oh," I said, noL thiltkirrg lrr:.yrrrrl llrr. w,r,rls I lrr,;rrrl. No,
should just steam this sorry mess and be done with it. But,
I was doing something. l),irrg rrris rrrirrg,r rrrrvr.rrrrr.(.s irr
soa no. Make Lhe boss's daughter pick the stinkin' room tly
like the Medusa and w,rrrir:r'ilr14 trlrrrrt tlrr. g,,r.y rl.t;rils ,f
herself." So busy lilling my ears with bitter, I didn't hear
people drowning and wrr;rt l,rppr.rrr.rr wrrr., rlrr.r'r. w;ls
what Can was saying. IIc might have been saving something
nothing left to eat. I wasn,l inurrrrrrr..
uHelp me thinli,p,1' else, but all I cvcr heard rvas ,loe calling me girl.
sorlr(. rrir.l,rrr,rr.s 1,,r. tlrr:se I didn't enjoy working at the mushroom larrn. I sfunply
people,'Mom said, utltr:ir rt:irl rrrrrrrr,s.r.r.r,, rr;rr.rl tct
didn't cnjoy w<lrhing. All tlrc pichcrs talJring Victnarnesc and
pronounce and no onc will lrr: irlrk, r, r,r.rrr.rrlrr.r. rlrr.rrr.',
laughing, I was sure, aI my slow picking. Everyone'd tle
"Okay,' I was cag()r, llrr: tlrorrglrl ol tlrrrrhnrli ul) now done Lhrcc of their rows and I would still bc on my first.
names for grown-ups gavo,rt: ir rlr'irr ,r prr.rr.,rrr,r' r r.;rrr rrry
VVhoever fhished lhcir own rows would havc to loop back
Iinger down the row ol'rrarrrcs, r,ollirrg lolr.rp,,rr n,or.rls on lny
and pick t.oward me, so I wouldn't be lef't behind whcn
tongue. Changing [hr:rn. "ll,w ;rlr,rrt .l irrr,,', I rrshr.rl. ,, ll,w
everyone went to the next room. Sometimcs, if the next
about Joe?"
uJoer'Morn room had to be picked before thc gills opcneri and turned
moul.lt.tl. "yr:s, llrirl's rrir.r. rrr(l srrIl(.. .loe them into numtler twos, I'd bc lelt on my own. No sourrl
it is."
except thc plippfurg of watcr jrto puddles on thc floor, then
the sudden intcrmittent cxplosion of'ttrc furrnacc starting up,
 36
37

so loud in lltc rrrrrslrroonr ltrrslr rrl rl,rllurr.r,,, I 'r l sr;rrr';rli ou I You're born and things stick to you. Somc fall ofl, bul most
Ioud for fbar. I wrlrrlrl ;rrrslr llrr. rrrrrrlrroorrr., rlorr n,
lltrottgh you carry around for the rest ol your lil'c. Let me be olrl anrl
the s0il, an(i ()ovor llrcrrt rr,itlr pr,,rl rrro.,,, so llrr.1 rvt:t'{l
foolish whcn I grow up.
complet.cly brrrir:rl. llrtr.it,rl lrrrrrrllrrlr,rrrrl l lro rr s;r r r rls
Of
mushrooms so tlral lr:oulrl lr.,rrr.rrrr ,,rlr,rrt lrrrrrlr. ll
llrcre Naoe
were simpl.y trlo rnirt.y lo lrur.\, I rrorrlrl
1,,, ,rrrrl rrl irr thc
outhouso [ol horrr.s orr crrrl, rr,rlr lrrrr;, rprrllr,, rlrrr;, llrr.s
;rrtd The wind blows from the rvcst, thc wcst, thc west, again.
thcn suck <ltrl tltr:il irrrr;rr.rls.
Shricking from the throats, the verv tceth of the mon-
It was ri i['f raulr g.,rvirrpi rrI rrr \,rrrr,rr, rr,rrr;irrr.r. .r'il
strosities they call mountains. F'rom thc bowcls of Lhe sca,
Iathcr whrt gr.w rrrtrslr',,rrrs, rr.rrr1,.rrrr.r.,r,r rrrrrlrr.r. rvrrrr
the moisture suched onlo thc jaggcd peahs, only rlust left to
bccame ar) otllor', gr';rrrrrrr,rriirrrr,r ,r ,r
;,r,rrrrrrrr,rrrr.r. r,,rl(r blow across this prairic borvl. llut somctimes, the wind
nevor shut uJl urrtil slr. r.lr trr. rr,rr,,r' r,r'r.r rt'r rliIi.rlt
slvirls lrom thc sor^rth anrl takcs an casterly curve. Icarr
54rowing up, rrtovirrg closr.l. lltr.rr l;rr,tlrr,r ,rrr,r\ lrorrr
1rr.o1llc smell thc cornpos[, l"hen, Irom thc cornposL barn. ll'thcy are
who tcll y,u thr:.y l,vr:.y,rr. l',r rr,t lrrlt.r l,rrr
;rr,,t r;rri,g, il,S turning the compost over, the smell is ammonia acrid. I
dilhcult growing u;t. l)r:o1rlt. sir\ tlrr.,,rrrrl tlr,rt
have never been thcrc, to thc compost barn. I havc never
"You't'e lut:li.y lo llr';t l.irl fit.r)\rutI ltlr nr,r trrrrr. lil,r, llris.
seen the mushrooms growing. I have never lclt this chair.
When I was young(:t., orrll r(.r,\ r.rr lr pr.olll r.orrlrl r:at
Keiho used to comc back I'rom the barns srnelling like
bananas."
soil and moist. Like birth. I ust:rl to prcss hcr clothcs to my
surc thcrt:;,'r: gll.rrrl ,r'rr;rrr,rrr,r,. r, rrr, rr,rrl rr.*. rrrrr I
Iace and breat.he dccply, smcll-[aste hcr ria.y. lVarm semen
don't even Iikc tht:rrr. r\rrrl *'lrr,rr \r, ,,r,rrr rrrrrrr, rrrli ;rrr,rrI
smell of'thc first crop o['mushrooms, we t wet pcat moss, lhc
who picks thcrn altrl wlro por.lrr,ls Ilrr.rrroIt(.\, \orr,rr. lrtllr.\,il.
tepid coflce shc dranh at 10:(X), the srinli of lormaldehydc
a lump will cvt:rt gr:l p;rsl 1,,rrr. lrls l,rr lr,r\(.\.lr. lr;rsi.
shc used to sterilize hcr buclir:ts. I can scc Lhcsc things with
Yankee Doodlc 'lirrrr S;rwlr,r. r.olr. rrrorlr.l, lrut lr.t,: l,;rr.r,
il: a scont in my nostrils, a passing [asl_c on rny tongue.
most childho,rls [lr:girr ;,rrr r.rrrr rrr (]rrrrr.rr,il.r'.,,r,, lr rrr,;rp.
Ilasy lrlr an old woman to sit in a chair and talh and
People say, "Oh, lrvoukl jrrsl l,rr. l, lrr.,r ,lrrlrl ,r1,,rrr,,
lirrt I talk. llasier, still not t"o say anything at all. I coukl norl anrl
lvould never go llat:lt lo llr;rl l;rir.r t,rlr.
smilc and watch "Sesamc Strcct' so I can lcarn llrcnch as
Il,mc lifi: is srrrrr:rrrirrg .r.rr lr,rrr. r, (,, r ,rr,rrrrrr *ilrr wcll as the F)nglish peollle don't think I alreacly know.
you Ibrcvcr. No l"r'r:urli;ur slril lir. rrrr,, rrrrr rlrr. lr,rrr,.rrr.
srrr[.[, Ilonjour! l'll say and evcryonc will be amazerj. ,le m'appelle
gets tattoocrJ olt r. y,rr s,rrr.llrrrrpi ,rrr lrrl ()r ,,rrrrrr
rlrirrg Naoe Kiyoltawa. tla! I{'an olrl woman sits irr a chair and
good. JuSt dcJlt:rttls. Il.yslrtr.i,;r ol lrtslor,l r,tn lrr.r
nrrrl orrr.;ll(j never gets out" and talks and talhs and [allis, don,t ignore
thc sarne. l)assctl ,rr I'r',rrr tlrrrrglrrr.r'i. rl,rrrl,lrr.r r,
rr,rrrpqlrl.r, her. She might bc saving sonrc[]ring thaL wilJ change tire
l.o daughtcr to.. -. 'l'lrr: rist is.rrrrr.ss,rrrrr
rlrr. r,rrr,,.,rrr.r.;r(rs. colour ol'your eycs.
 38
39

Dai Makoto. llis rritr,. wits \,1;r[,], l)irr lr, I r,rrpp,s., ht),S
I overboiled it again. Bottle alter bottle, I nevcr said a
still alive, so I lrt:ar. I lr;rrl lo prrr hilrll\ir\\,,r ,rsrrlr., rlrr.rr;rrrrt: tu
word, serverl vinegar and urinc unl"il he lay on Lht; latami
flow through nr.y [l.ol]rr:r"s lrloorl, to tlrr. r lrilrl tlrcy rrr:vcr
seeping sake learc, beggin64 me to get it right, while Keiko
conceived. I)ai N;ror:.'l'lrr' rv,r'rlr rr'r'rlr.rr,rr rlr. rrr,;rrrirrge
watched with round black eyes.
document ntarlr: it s,. Lrrr.Il lir'rrrr. I .lr,rrr1,,r.rl ,tl,nit ntc u0kasan, why is 0trlsan crying?"
bcl'ore I carnc to l,)rrglislr. 'l'lr. rpr.llrrrl, rlrllr.r r.rrr. lrrrr rht:
Nothing. I said nothing. Pilcd small bowls, dishes,
weight of thr: worrl in solrrrrl rr,rrlrl lr,rrr. lrr.r.rr lrrlrlr:rr
tokkuri, ochoho, tvory ohashi clul.tered to thc kitchen. '[oo
cnough to plaguc rrrr:. N;roc rlir..
tired, too angry to hcat watcr to wash thern, only lcft to
An easy Llriltg t, r:lr;rrrg. it ,i,tr. ,\ll rl l,rlrr.s is irrli i*rd
harden in the tub, scurry of cockroach, one cockroach seen
a piece of paJlcr'. A wlrolr.rlirrrcrrsmn on,r l,rrrrrlr trr.r.r.r,irs(:d
meant ten uxseen, Keiko tugging my slceve, my obi, Makoto
when one namo is tl l'oplrcrl ;rrrrl ;rrr,rlrr.r' .rr.,r,rrr.rl ,\ ll rlrostr
crying so wcak like Otosan, Keiko l"ugging, and me saying
mothers arrd datrglrt('r's irrrl rrr.rlrr.r ., ,rrrrl rl,rrrglrlt:r,s
nothing nothing N0'l'ltlNG. I threw the Jubn dorvn frum the
swallowed into tht: niuncs ol rrr.lr. lr rr,ulrl rrr,rl,r. rrs lt:ar
cupboards zrrd made up our blanke ts. Kciko lay between us.
our hair, beat our l)r't::rsl, il'wr' rlrrrrrl,,lrr ,rlr,rrr rr l,,rryi r.rrorrgh.
Her Otosan weeping and I, I was a sllt,nL katamari of haLe.
Enough of this [r(:(: norrsr:l tsrl llttltrtltrr/ l,r,,r'r. rt ;tlr.r.;rrl.y, I
Such a great anger I had. I hatcd for so many years. Am
who carcs wlrar.v,rr. l;rrlr.r''r l,rrlr.r'rrrrr ,rrrrr rrlr, rvas
say.
I angry still, I wondcr and stretch rny hand Lo lbcl.
given what httn0rrr'. ll.rr,u. rlrr':. . rrlr rrrr, pr.r.s,rr rvllo
earned it. Don't lt:avr: rrrr';r lr,rrl.l .rr'r.rr ,r ;,.lrlr.rr slrr.irtc,
lt's sadly unlbrtunate thal" I was loo angry to cnjoy sex when
dOn't waSte OIangoS on ntl ntr.ntot.\ llorrl r rrrrrrlrlr.s. l,'lt:sh
I had it. 'lbo bitter, too proud Lo [all into rny flcs]r. Long altcr
melts. II'a I'ew w0rrls I rrllr.r'r'rl *r,r.r' r, r.r lr. rrr ..,,rrc,nc,s
the divorce, I still wouldn't lct anyone touch thc surlace of
mind, then that is cnorrglr.
my sl(in. Not evcn Keiho. Now I pay, I supposc. llighty-five
Makoto was nol;r llirrl rrr;trr,;rrtrl lrlrrl rrrrt rl.slris. lrirn,
years old and horny as a rnusk-drcnohcd cat. 'l'he only
but he was weah artrl lirolislr. ll(.\\.ir\ uot lonrplr,lclv to
human contact I have nurv is whcn l(ciko washes my hair.
blame, of coursc. I was ltr.otrrl, lrr.orrrl ,rs orrl\ ,r rl,ru;,,lrlt.r,o['a
When Murasuki sometimes hugs rne. I love them and their
once rich man cttultl [rt:. r\rrtl lrr.rr,rs,ur.,r\\ ,nr.r, r,r.rncr]1.
uNa0c,' lrc touch mahcs my old hcart alrnost pain lvith crnotion, but
callt:rl. ",Srr/rr'.
there is nothLng fur this dull bcating ache I [inrl bctrvccn lny
I heated thc .srzlcrr unlil it lrorlr,rl or r.r ,rnrl llrr';rlcoh0l
thighs. Most unsccmly, to be this agc and horny, but it is
evaporated. tJntil it trtrrrcrl ;ts s()lr.ir\ \,rr.l,,u.
uNaoo, Iunny alter all. 'l'his muttcring, old, lamb-haired Obachan
this.snli;c is ovcr.lrr,irlr.rl. lh. r ,rrrlrrl rrc rllirrtr'."
wearing elastic-waistcd polyester pants, brown collarless
Next l.irnc lbirrr:l.y lrc;rlcrl it ;rt ;rll,;rr lr.prrl .rr loolirtg
shirt with pink I)owers, grey cardigan and heel imprinted
urine.
slippers. Just pulling out [h0 waisLband with onc quavering
"Naoe, it.'s l.tto t:ool llris lirrrr.. \orr rrrrr.,t Ir,rrc rrtore
hand and the other just about to slip into cotton briefs,
ca-re.'
toying with Lhe idea of-
 40
41

"0bachan! Wltitt irlr' \,orr rlorr1,,.,!" uMaybe her crotch is iLchy,'Shinli suggests.
I rclt:asa th. r'l;rsli. irrrrl ir .,rr,rps rr,r.r, r, rrrr r,r,r.irrkletl Therc is a gur5;lc in my chest, up my t"hroat, and at the
stomach with a r'rir t srrr;r.rr;rrrrr tr.rrt, sr;rrrrrirrg irr
Lhe back of my mouth. I bite my blankets to muffle the sound
d0orway witlt ltt:r'rrr,trllr ,p.rr. I sr,rrr r,.,rilr.r.;rr
.xarse, but snort through my nose instead.
but Keiko's cxJlrr:ssiorr, nry r.l;rslir.p;rrrls, rrrl ltor.rrirrr,ss,
my "Sam! Obachan's choking!" l'lung blankets, bata bata
age, I start Iarghirrg;rrrrr r;rrriirrrrrli rrrrrrr rlrr.rrrr rrrrrsr:rr:s
in of bare feet on hardwood floors, suddcn white light, and
my stomach s[ar.t lo;rr:lrr.. Alrlrlr hr.rho, rl rs lrrrtrr\
.rlir.r.;rll. squeeze my eyes shut, still snorting through my nose. Shinji
pounds my bony bach and l(ciko is trying to pry my eyes
"Sam, I think O[l;lclrirrr's lirrirlll iiorrr. rctrrlr'," l\r.rLo
ltisscs. opcn with hcr lingers, why on carth firr? r\nd I unclench my
liunny httw tlrt: ri;rr.li r.;rrr r.;rr.r..1 sorrrrrl .,rr lry,lrtlr l,rr.rr
;rltove teeLh and the blankets lall out and I laugh and laugh and
the whist"ling cr.r:;rli o['tlrr,s(.;rn\ ur llrrr lrrrrrrr. Srlrrcali
of laugh.
bedsprings. Shirrji's [;tr:r'rl tlrr, rr,;rll
oYou'vc
ltcr:n s;r.yirrg tlr;rl lirr llrr. l,rsl tr.rr 1r.;1,s,, he
I am tired, some days morc than othcrs, and todav I am tired
mutt.ers. Hc's tirr:tl ir['rcr'r,;rrrirrp,, r'rrrrl,sr ,rrr rr;rr.'r'rr.
srnelr weary. Not evcn enough energy [o muttor, thc rvords seep
was especiaIl.y ar;rirl Ih is ;rllr,r,rroorr
out like breath. llury me not, on this blown prairie.
"Shr: was tloirtg sont(.1lrIn;i slr.,rrryil Iorl.r\.,, l(t:iko
whispers. Shc's l.yirrg I'lirl orr lrr.r, lr,rr.lr,:t,u,rrii
up;rl thc It is hair day.
ceiling. "so lvhirri)" slrirrii lrissr.s ,,h,rr, l'rrr rrr.r,rl lrl,rr,r
rvant
to hear about.y,ur rrr,llrr:r. l.rriiilrl, ,rll ,;,lrt,.l rrst
lr.l rrrr: gct I(eiLo is moving one of the hitchcn chairs into the laundry
some sleep."
uShe room. It is thc mosL alahkai room in thc housc because of
startcd t. sti.ri rr.r'rr;rrrrrs rrrsrrrr.rrr.r,P;rrrls. [lut I
the hcal. from the dryer turning, l.he sun through the
caughL her in r-hr: aat :rrrrr slr. sr,pp.rr ,rrrrr sr;rr,r.rl
r,;rrrgrri,g,, window. I{'it is not summcr, parcherl and gasping, it is an
Keiko continucs, il5rrorirrg lr irrr.
endless winter of tiny ice crystals crinkling through the
"Really?" sa.ys Shirr ji, r'rrsrrirrg rrr;rrrrt.rs ,rrrrr rlrr, r:rr:arr of
seams in the walls. Gets into my knees, my tocs and slows
bedsprings. Now Irr:'s [irr:ing lr.il,., srrrlrrr.rrl\ rrrrr.r.r,sr.rl
and the blood. llut it is atatakai in the laundry nrom and my
not. at all disgustcrl. "l worrrlcr, rr lrr .,.,
blood does not l'reeze clump.y inside my wrinkled veins. I'm
"l told yotr! S[tr:'s g,irrg s.rril. I r.r.,rrl \rrr(.\\ lrr.r,t, that not so proud thaL l can't cnjoy the pleasurc of'someonc's
when sornc pcttlllt: go scnilr. llrr.t sl;rlt sorlrrri,, llrr.ir.
lltutts {ingers in rny hair. I'ni not so stubbrlrn now tha[ I can't lall
like babies anrl snr.a.irrg rrr.i'ri'r.r's,rrr ,rr.r rrrr.rrrst,rr,(:s,
or into my flcsh. 'Ihe wind will howl, but a body needs to look
even eating it!" l(cik,,;ril rr,r'r'irir.rr irrrrr rrrspirsrr.rr...r
ttrink alter her hair somctimes. Kcikc doesn't say anything at all,
I'll call Silver spri.gs l,,rrgr';rrrr ;rsr, ;rrr,rrr rlr. *,rrtirrg rist.
I and I only have to hum, watching her bustle lrorn my chair
just can't deal with [i:ct:s.',
in the hall. I can see all tlre rvay down through thc kitchen
 42
into the launtlry r'oorn. lr:;rrr .r,r.rr sr.r,rlrr.rr,.rslrl.,rrr rloor.
She says nothirrg orrt lorrrl, lrrrr slrr. ,rr\'(.s rlrr.slr;rrnlloo and
conditioncr to [hc l;rrgr: sirrli;rrrrr rrrr.s,lr rrrrlrlrr.rl lrrtrsh. I
put my two harrrls orr llrc sr';rl ol rrrl r.lririr,, lrt.sirlc rrr.y llony
thighs, to push u[) r,.y lr,ll,l' lr,,,r.[s. \tr1lr..,slr, l lrrr:aLhe,
and lean forwarrl ilr ir sr,.p. N'ly lr;rr.k is lrr.rr ;rrrrr rrry llt:lly is
ilreSsed up agairrsl rrr.y spirrr,. l,l\ r.s sprrr, tlrr.rr sr.il lc. N{y
slippcred Iccl art: stitl'rvitlr r,,rrr ri,,rrr lrr.rrryi srrll lir. lr,urs.
0r decades.
I wandcr li'rlrrr rrr.y r'lr;rir', [.rrr rrr'rr;ril, rrirrr rrr. srrril_ch
sluff of dust bt:twc(:n nr.y slippr.r.s ;rrrrl rlrr. lr;rr.rl*,.,r1 ['loor..
l)own the hall. inro tlrr: liirclr.rr rrrrr.r.r, lr.,rrr rrrrr.ll slt:wing
pork and boilcd p,tat,t:s. ls;r1 rr.rlrirrli r. rrr.ir,,,,rrry hum
soltly betwccn rry lills. (irrr,rr i!,,'tt iitt*tt Irrr..rrgrr r.he
kitchen and Iinall.y irrt, rlr. r;rrrrrr.r r'(lrrr ,\rrrrrr, srr.,s not
forgottcn tht:.yclktw stool lill'rn\ lciis. lt,s rrrosl rrrrltr:;rr,atrle
fbr a body's lcgs t, swirrg;rlr.rr.tlrr, ll.,r,,;rll tlr. wr:ight
hanging lrom tht: krrr:t:, lll,,rl 1r,,rirr1i irr rrr. l.r.r riri. stoncs_
I creak back, inr.o rrn rrrrlhrriliirr.r.rr;rir., *rrr.rrr lrrr* .f't.he
dryer tUrning, S00tltirrg.'l'ltt tttttltth/r, s,, r)lt ,t\ lirt:r:. My
I'eet on the stottl. I r:losc ntl (,\r.s, tlrr.plr.;rsrrr.r,ol'touch
magnilicd whcn I [i:r:l willrorrl rrrl r.rr.s.
Keiko's soft, nt itlrl lc irgrrrl lrt.lll lr.;rrrs irrto rrrl slrorrklcr.
warm and soft, lik^c ntatt.t,, I li.r.l rrrr srr.rrrgr rrrrrsr.r.s l,,sen
their hold on nr.y [lorrt:s. llr:r. lrr.ll] ;rlrsor.lrr rr\
l);rirr. She
softly rubs rnv br.w witlr lrt'r'gr;rrrrr ;rrrrr .rrrs lrr,r.r'i rrgars
back into my sr;alJr. l(r:iko's ['irrgcr,s irr rn\ lr;rir., llrr.ouglr rny
hair, on thc tircrl sliirr ,l rrr.y lrr';rrr. \lrlrlrlrlrrrlrlr. Slrr: r.utrs
small power['ul r:i..lt:s witlr rrr:r'r'i rrgr.r.s ;rrrrr rrrrrrrrrrs, the
tension rising up, oll'rn.y lrcirrl, l'lr;rrirrg rrp*;rr,rl lil\(. ;rrgcls
to heavcn. l'-ingcrs strorl{;rrrl l'i.rrr, pr.r,ssrriq rrrrrrrrlr irr rhar.
spot whcrc rny nt:t;li ,rrrl lrr:trtl rrrr.r,l.'l'lrr.
llr.(.\\. (.,rs(., l)r,(,ss,
43
ease , of fingcrs of thumbs through my hair, on scalp, on
aohin6; scalp, slt)w rotation. My templcs, slowly, her
fingertips are strong, her touch so sofl, dttwn, a0ross aching
eyes, soltpress my eyelids, dotvn nosc, around cheekboncs,
and finally, easing, easing my ovcrtaxed mouth. She rubs
and rubs my overworked jawboncs, so tough, so stubborn,
they could knock down whole citics if someono were strong
enough to rvield them. Keiko has finisht:d nrassaging and
she wipes my face with a hot towel, so that when the heat
evaporates, it takes wil"h it any remairing aches.
I lean my head back, into the sink. Ilest my head on the
towel I(eiko has placed on thc rim. llmmmmmlnmm-
mmmm. 'l'hc steady rush ol'watcr, I(e ilio chccking the
temperature on her wrist, warm watcr streamin{4, not a drop
on my lace or ears. Just warln water, moisture filling the
tinv laundry room and the scent of Keiktl's cloLhcs through
my closed eyes. Snap ol shamllt)o cap. Grccn smell of
apples. She warmed thc shampoo so it is not sudden and
cold on my scalp, and lathcr begins to Illl her hands, he r
hngcrs easing the itches from rny skin, rny pores. I(eiko cups
one palm bcncath thc back cur\'c o[ ntv ltcad, holds thc
wcight in hcr hand. \'Yith hcr riglrt [tand, shc rubs
vigorously, with the pads of hcr fingcrs and a hint o[
fingernails. Not scorin6 thc skin likc an arnateur, bul, a
vigorous, gcncrous scrubtring. ["rom my hairline [o the base
ol'my nccli, shc scrubs sidc to sidc and backlvards at thc
same timc, her sol't belly, a pillow 1'or rny shouldcr. She
doesn't miss a single itch and she frnds for me and washes
away itchcs I don't know I havc. Warm watcr streaming
away the soapy suds. nttt a drop on my f ace or cars. My eyes
still ckrscd. Stlueak ol'clean hair. Conditioner, [ihe warmed
heaw crcam in my silver curls. l(ciko works it in with hcr
 r
44
45

I'ingers first, slowl.y ;rntl c;rr.r.lrrlly, tlrcrr tlrr. sol.l rrrrbbcd

The slow heaving shuddcrs of this planet wc call chikyu.
brush. Soflcn skirr. M.y lrorlv lirrrp;rrrrl rrroistur.r. lillirrg
rny This spinning motc, a55ain, cirr:ling the srm, ahvays circles
skix, I don't hnow i['l r:;rrr rv(,r.ol)(.n nr],(.\,(.s;rg;rirr.
I(t:iho spinning ever. The pattern has been set long before the
rinses agaia, wi.lt()r rt,ilr'r' ,o\1, r\,;r'rrirrg rrrt, lrt,;rrr,
lrt.y Iace, sister and brothcr, Izanami and lzanagi, lcl"t thcir celestial
my neck, thc hcat ,lrrl rrr,isl,r.(. (.,tlrr.;rr.irrg rrr' lr,rl.y,
rny home to create the world. Japan. Yes, Japan was the world, a
pleasure, Lht: alulduti srtn.
Iong time ago rvhen pcople oalled what they could sce with
l.heir eycs, thc mountains, the l"rccs, Iakes, and stoncs. 'l'he
My hair glows. l,'ilarrrt:rrts li.orrr ;r sill\ \1.or.nr.
very soil bcneath thcir fect. 'l'hat was rvhcrc their world
'l'he winter is harrl o, rr.y rvirrr.r.rrr,rrrs. began and where Lheir world endcd. Japan. Island to itsell'
r'rrr.srrg;r'lvir[r)r,, and don't leave your homc. Ilasy to be convinced of your
thc canncd pcitcht:s, rr,t .,,rrglr. l,l;r.lr rriglrl ;r li.*,rrr,r.
dic, strcngLh iI'therc is nothing to oomparc it to. So much pride
a lew more fall li'onr tlrr: lirlrls irr rrrt r.lotlrcs.,l,lrr
[lrown on such a little island, nowircrc Lo go cxcept [o blow
patterns on thcir wings l;rrr.s;rrrrl rlrr, llrr. l;rlls
[i,,rrr thcir outward. No room for change exccpI through death. And
shrunken bodir:s- "'l'ha.k .y,r, N;r,r., rir. rlrr. pr.;rr.rrt:s. ,r.hank
you for the sugar watr)r,,', llrr:.v rvlrisp.r.. I srrrilr.. ,l.lris death. 'fhe t:yclc repeats itscll. t sit hcre now, so far away
rl.ying is and looh back with cycs that scc. At least now I scc with
a natural thing. Arrtl rrrt:ir'oggs lr'(' s.rrr.*,rr.rr.,
rrirrrrr:, rikc some distance so my cycs havc room to iocus. Ccrtainly, I
l.reasure.
read thc newspaper, heard talh on thc radio. Ara-raaaa. I
said. Antmaaaa.'['here will be war. Not knorving what it
My sleep is a placc urrcrrrilr:r'r,rr ,r'rrr.r.;rrrrs. \\/rr, lvas
that meant.
silly chinese philos,grrr.r'i)'r'rr. ,rrr. rvr, i,il ;rsrr,t,1r g:rzing
at We [ivcd in Manshu and Shina fbr ten ),oars, N{ahoto
a butterlly and drcanrt tlr;rt rrt: w;rs;r lrrrrrr.r.l'lr rlrr,;r,rirrg
that and l, and l(eiko loo when shc was born. Ncver returning to
hc was a philos.llhcr. i\rrrJ wrr.rr rr. wol\('rr), rr. rrirrrr,t
rirr.w Japan in all that time, only once, lor Keiko's birth then back
if he was a philosoJrhor' or a rrrrrrr.r'rrr,. !\/rr;rr rrrrrst.rrst:. ,r,his
again, finally when war brokc out. Tcn ycars and I never
need t, dill'crcntiatc. wrr.y, lr. wirs rr,rrr, .r'(.()r'ri(.. 'r'lr,ughts
impress on so[I skin arrrl ;r t;rslr.r.;rrr lirrgr,r. lirr.rl;rt,s. lcarned l"o spcak N{andarin or Cantonesc or any other
Wolrls dialect. I staycd behind thc walls t"hc.y builr around rhc
tumblc front rny nrorrtlr ;r nrl r.lr;rrrgt,slt;r;rc irrrrl
sizc.,l,hc,y
. cities, thc towns, t"o protect t-hc peoplc who livcd Lhere Irom
8r0w arms a,d lcgs,rrrr r:r';rwr ;rrr,rrr irr rlr. rrrrsr rrr rrrl [bct,
pick up dricd rrr,ths'r,ilh.tr'i,rs Iirrg.r.s;rrrrl sr.r.;rlrlrlt.irl the peoplc who livcd without". Makoro building bridgcs
rn;, across rivcrs and chasms. l[c cven convinccd himsel[' Lhat
pant legs. I lbcd tht:rrr willr slor.ir.s;rnrl tlrr.t
rrrrrnr:h and he was working for thc bcttcrment ol'the (lhinese pcople. To
munch. 'l'hcv g^llv biggt:r. ;rrrtl sl.,rrgr.r. ;rrrrl u,itll\
o,l .hL, aid in their dcvclopmcnt. Stupirl Iool. 'l'ht: llridgcs werc lbr
door to wandcr ovr:r'tlris r:irr.l lr.
.lapanesc soldiers to march across to kili their inland
cousins. And I was the stupidcst {'ool of'all. I never
 46
47

questioncd why t.ht: sr:lrrlols wcr.c rrr;trlr: scll;rr.;rtc, uMy work here is donc. Wc1'c movfurg larther
why south in
Chlncse an(l Japar)oso wtr,(,nol l,;rrrglrt logr:tlrcr. the spring to build bridges aoross the whole coultry! '[he
Why
Chinese chiltirr:rr hari t, l.;rr.rr .l;tl)it,.s(., lrrrt
,lapancs. bridges will be a symbol of good will between ou-r pcople
children were not taugrrt trr. w,r,rrs,r'rrr. rrrrrrr
trrt:.y rivctr in. and the Chinese." Makoto, so proud and fbolish. Nlore firol
why there werc scrvirrrts irr ,rr. rrr,rrr:sl rr,rrrr:s w[rirc
there mc, for not uttering words ol doubt. For not" asking Ibr
were people sta.vi.g,rrtsirl. tlrr, rv;rlls,l
rrrr: .it.v.,l,ha w,rrls anothcr truth. IIis bridgcs cchocd rviLh fie marching steps
,f one woma, w,rrrrr rr,r Ir;r'rr rrrr.rr.ri rrr. rrr;rr,r:rrirrg [r,ots o{' thousands upon thousands ol' .lapancsc soldir:rs. 'l'hey
or.
men, but the pairr a['rr,r lrir'irrg s[)or\.r, ,r'rr,r
Il,rrr.ring t<; crossed his brid6;cs o['goodrvill to slaughter [heir inland
ask questions, stiil ar;rr.s irrsirlr.rr..ow. !!rrtrrr
r rr..arne the cousins.
wi{'e of Mahot, I)ai. r}itr.,rt:ss rrr.rr.rr
irrw,;r.tr irrr<r r dicrn,t We left the boy and his suup and his stories in the
care lbr the things ar,ourrrl rrrc. \ol cvr.rr l(r,iko_
almost spring, and travelled b1' train to Shjna. His namc. Ilid
wintcr in Manshu, arrrr trrr: wirrrr. srr,w ririt: s;rrt I ever know his namc? Did he ever tcll ntc or did I nevcr
and the
sting of cold chapping rcri itrrrl li:r.t. llr..;rtlt s'attering, learn it? Filthy blach soot seeping into pores and dust
trying to light thc st,vc, [,.,,*';,rrls r.ir,., ,r,irrrr r.r:tr,r:,ting
f.ar up speckling against the door. Illack soot and dus[. Dust and
the hladder, to. c,lri [. t),rrrr:,rrl. \,Vr,\1,or,(,,tor,(]
privilcged dust and wind and dust! Will this rvind nevcr ccasc? Will this
than m,st ol'thc Crri,r:s.
trlt:,11r.. orrr. rr,rrr. rv;rs rrr,rrr:st, but dust ever scttlc? Keiko wedgcs I(lccncx into thc cracks
we could st.ill a[Iil.rl ]r,us. rr.lp. \\1. lr;rrr ,;r rr..y
rvh. rivcti bcneath t.hc dour, but thc wirrd rvhisprtrs irr surrrchow. Cold
with us. F-ctcherr winr-t:r-w.i,krr:rr rlrilr,,. rirrrp rtrtrt:us,i
and eddies around rny anhlcs. lt rnakcs a body rvonder how dust
eggs lrom the marlict. Marlt: s,rr1l. llr: w,li.
r1l .arl1,and can fly even in thc middle ol winter. Air so dry tire lining ol'
knocked thc rinr ,['ir;t: [i',,r th. l,p,['rrr.
rv;rt.r,r,rrrr and my nostrils split and crack. llleed. N{y lips, two scars upon
washed ttur shects, rlrr. trrrtlt:rr:l,tlr.s irr
*;rtr.r.still slush.y my face . Still, thc words, thcy cornc.
thick with ice. Ir.rrr:rr ,rr. r:r,rrrr.s ;rrrr rirrrrr.rr
rlr;rrrkr:ts and
all this whilc l(cik() w,s str';rpJrr:rr I, rris lr;rr.r, wilrr
strips o{' "Obachan, would you clean m.y ears?'
cl,th. I huddied [lcsiri. lrr. tirr1 sr,r,r. ;r.rr rr.rrrrt:rr I just hum and risc fi'orn m1' chair, shufl'lc to the living
.r,thes
until my I)ngcrs split lvitlt rlr,.\;rrrrl r.9lrl. \\/lr.rr
Nl;rprt. lvaS room to sit on one end ol'thc couch. 'l'hc sunnv side. Keiho's
away, buiJtiing his brirlgr:s, tlrc lrol s,;rt irl tlrr,
l;rlrlt w,ith mr: relaxes, the tight muscles bcsidc her mouth lose their
t.o cat. Ile told rnc str.it:s:rrrrr rr:,rrrr .face
irrrrr,sr rrrrrr.r,st;rrr(r. ache and her Iips looh soft and iull. Shc lies on hcr sidc and
ult is rests her head on my bony [ap. She hands mc the mimiltahi
the rcsll.nsitlilit.y ,r'trr. rrrr.rr irr rr.r,r.r,pt.rr
..rrrr.i.s [o and I peer into her ear'.
aid thcir untlcr,rlr:vt:l,1lr:rl lr.,lltr.r,s,,,\l;rL,l. sl;rtt:rl,
[.illcd "Ara ippai aru janai no. Yoltu kikoeta ne."
with sour saltt: ttntl sclI rlr:r:r:il. ,l,lrl lrot porl.r,rl -
tlrt: sttup "l knorv," Keiko says, her voicc husky, udo it soltly.'
carcfu lly.
 48
when the wind swirls l'l'rl, rrr. s,rrrlr, r;rri.s ;,r castcrly
curve, it brings with it a so()nr ol'r.ir,lr lrroisrrrr:ss. ,l'hc
dust
docs not fly whcrc tht: rrrrrslrr.()or,s ilr.(. g.,wirrg. ,l,hc
air
hangs heavy with watrrass. slrirrji (:o1r.s rr,rrr. with rnush-
rooms seeping lrorrr tht:1l,rr:s irr lris r:l,llrr.s.,l,h. st:cnt,
so
tus higi, so mvstcriou s.
ulli, Grandrrra. ll.w
wits \/r,r,rl;rvl," lr. s;r1,s
llvcry day.
"Mama n,o loko d(t rt,t:.'
"Glad ttt hear i[,,, ltt: sit.ys,,o,r;rllr,r,w,lr;tl I s,.1,.0,ce, I
said I spent thc da.y nr;tstrl,lr;rtirrg u, itlr rrrl, tocs. Another
time I said l(ciko st;r'utllrcrl rlrt,rv;rlls *,itlr slrir ;rrrrl rvipcri
fl,or with piss. llut all hr: s;r.ys is,.,(il,;rrl l, lrr,;r. it.,, I srrpJl.sc
if'a body can lcarn il now l;rrrgu;rgc irr lwcrrly \,o;lr.s, you
c,uld unleanr ono as wr:il. N., Srrirrji rr;rs rr.rrr.1 rirr.g,ttcn .he
Ianguage hc lt:l't br:hirrtl. lr:;rrr ,;rr.r.r.pt tlris, lrrrt l(r:ili,
another nrattor. A .hirrr ri'.rrr rrrl lrr:;rr.r,,;r r:rrirrr fi',rn my
body, but not frorn nty rrr,.tlt. ,l,lrr: l,;rrrgr;rg. slr. lirrrns
her tongue is thcra lix'tlrt: wr'(lri{ r,('irsors. },, r:irrrrr,[ rnove
to a foreign land arrrr t:iril tlr;rt grr;r.r. lr,rrrr,Ir..rusc yr-lu
parrot thc words arorlrrl .yorr, l,'irrrl !our lrorrrr: insicle
yourself lirst, I say. l,t:t .y,rr. lr,rrr. r,r,,rrls gr.,rv,rrl
inside, not the outsiri. itt. (,'rtt:! Brrr r srr,rrrrrrr'r p,inr.
finger- Shouldn't br:havr: rikr: r'r,r. ,(.\,('r. rr.r ;rr^rr.rr.y
Ilspecially l(eiho. A.,rlrt:r'slrpirl r,i'r.rr,;rrrrr rr, r.rrrr irr
suppose. l'll nt:vcr Iir'5;ivt: r(cil., irr rv,r.rrs;rrrrr srrt,rvirl
utter to rnc ttrc w,rrls I wislr r, rrr.;rr.. tlrr. r,rr.r.;rr.rr ,rlrar
noisy silcncc.
Shinji is ttol it rrrirrr lil,t.rn\ l;tllrr.r. or ln\ lruslland.
I(ciko c0rt.ainly tiitllr't r:r'r' in ltr,r. r.lroir.r. ol' ;r p;rr'l rrr'r.. .\lrirrji
a simple man, so Jrirrrl lo lrr.sirrrplr.irr llrrs clrrllr.r.r.rl r,vttrld
filled with dust atttl howlirrg.'lir clroosr.ir sirnplr, lili,ovr:r
49
easily cluttered one, something pure must remain. One
cocoon wrapped in silk. A pocket of eggs. Soup.
A different soup in Shina, and a new boy. What was his
name, how could I forget his name? I slept with a pistol
beside my pillow, for people hungrier than I were on the
irr l,)nglish. other side of the wall. Keiko always with the boy, always
clinging to the hem of his shirt or a sleeve or pocket and he
didn't scold her. Keiko never coming to me because I did not
answer. My thoughts sour as dust. Makoto away, making his
paper bridges, "For my inland cousins," he said. I did not go
to the market. I did not tend &e garden. I did not change my
thc
kimono. I did not wash my hair. I wandered around the
house with a brush in one hand and a pot of black surzi in
the other. Went from paper screen to papered walls to skin-
is thin windows and wrote my name in tiny characters.
on Freill iA.E i€JII E,H ifi",tt HH
The boy. . . his name is Sui Mintan!Yes. Yes. The name
begins the story.
fi,rlrn the
Keiko is at Lucky Dollar. Buying pork chops and steaks and
my
macaroni and cheese. What I wouldn't do for a nice
rittwn.
chawanmusiil Steaming delicate egg custard, but without
sight, I
the sugar. More like a delicate egg soufT1e. Steamed egg in a
rrt:vcr
cup, if you will. A tender-firm shrimp on top and all sorts of
in
surprises inside. Why, you can find shiitake, or scallops or
takenoho or spinach. Alything at all, or all at once. But it's
the gingko nut I crave. Always one, in the bottom of my
is
bowl, Okdsan never forgot. The squeak of the plump nut
between my back teeth and the mealy green taste. Okdsan
an
 50
5'l

used to fry them in salt and oil, with ttr.

nut.s stiil unshelled. shinuka ikirukato harao kimete ya.tto Nihonni tsuite,
And Shige and I peeled them when thcy wcrc sLill too
hot, Nobeokani kaette Makoto no Otdsanga mukaeni kitekurete,
cracking the thin shell between ou-r r.ccr"h a,d burning
our & , flS+f ')#-, a cttf:tt z " a)/vtr,tl'Fd L t> *'> fz &"
tongues and fingertips. Grains of'sart in .hc 0roascs
of our And he hugs us, hugs us close and my bitter dry eyes grow
Iips. we drank water until our beilics wcrc as tight
as drums wet. We send a telegram to Pekin, to Otosan, we are fine and
and then lay on the sweet tarami. rkrilin65 a rittrr: tr,m
side to back home, in Japan, we are fine and Otosan reads the
side, to hear the water slosh.
message, his hand shaking, smiles, and closes his eyes for
the last time.
During war, there are no thoughts lorcvcr. ,l'hrcc things
But we are not fine. There are rumours that Americans
only: Is there water? Is therc lb,di, Wh, is still alivc?
will soon invade Japan by boat, and the people, the villagers,
the old people, the children, the wives, we chop bamboo
Gisei...and Sui Mintan says lcavc,
.you rnusl leave and I from the groves and slice Lhem at an angle, sharp as
know that that is what he says, trrc w,r,rrs, [rrr: s,untrs that
bayonets, to spear the enemy when they land, only they
spill from his mouth say lcavc tr..irrrst: tht:r,r: is danger lbr
come, they come, not from Lhe sea, but thurder in the sky
you and Keiko, and Mahoto c,,st:riplt:rl, w,lki.g
over the above us, B-29s, huge, swollen with thcir cargo, in deadly
very bridges he designed, that ht: truilt t',r, his inland formation, dropping destruction. Fire bombs, pitching
cousins, onlynowhe has a gun in his lrarrds arrrl a
beltfilled sheets of incredible heat, melting everything, even metal,
with bullets and Keiko and I wc l.avr:, w. lt:avc and join
even stone. The fire roaring and swelling, cresting like a
shige and Fumiko and otosan irr r)t:riirr ar(r olosan too
weak tidal wave to engulf us aII and I run, I run, I run with Keiko
to travel, too ill to traver from r)criin r., r(irrrir:. t, Manshu
tn clutched under one arm and a thin blanket to cover our
Chosen to Hong Kong to Japan, so vory vt:ry lar away,
and heads, to the bomb shelter, the shelter, I run, the heat
otosan says you must leave whirt: tht:rr: is tir,t:, n, nced
to crackling the air around us snapping whipping the roar, the
wait for the old to die when lherr: is tirrrc lir. tlrr: young
to roaring winds o[fire.
live, take Keiko home, homc Lo .lapan arrri Strigt: anrl l-umi
can watch oyer me and you and l(r:iho will bc I'ine
and And when the fire dies
remember and grow, and wc lcavt: a5;ain, again,
always
leaving and the train and thc riust and thr: wind howling
We creep from the shelter
with war and the gas masks wc clu[t:h irr uur hantls, the
ship, the life jackets, lhe naust:<lus [i:ar .['rrrincs unseen
We stand in the embers of our homes and only ask,
beneath the choppy wavos or sutlrnarinos or bornbs
falling
from the sky and thinking ,r'otrsan arrd Shigc ancr r,'umiko
"ls there water? Is there food?" and "Who is still alive?"
still in Pekin, kinchyono kaLanturi, doijobukana, d.emo
 52
53

Gisei. That is what we called Hiroshirna and uYes you are! You are! You are! You're a slanty-eye
l{agasaki.
Those people. The children, the inlanls, Lhc Chinaman. Hweee chong chop ching Ahhh so! There, what
elderly, the
women.
did I say just now. Tell me what I said in Chinaman.'
I was confused.
Sacrifice.
"Vlihat are you, stupid or something?"
uNo, you're
stupid!' I yelled.
"Am not!'
Murasaki uAre
so!'
uAm not!'
The daughter of a daughter of a rraughtcr ,r'a
daughter of a 'Are so!'
daughter of a daughter of a daughtcr ,f'... tht: list
is enrlless. "Am not!"
But I am here. "Are so!"
uFuck
off Chink. Who needs you?'
I turned my head slowly in Obachan's lap, thc labric UBUT
I'M NOT CIIINESE!"
scratch
and stiff. Inhaled dust and poetry. She slrohcri rny
forehead
with her palm, and her words, thcy lkrwr:tj I,luid.
I snuggled These are hysterical stories.
close and curled my legs anrl sto[)p0(l prctcnrting God! Did I just make that up or is
to it true? I don't even
understand. Only listened. And listcncd. Anrl thcn
my mouth know anymore. Saying it out loud can make it so. I never
opened on its own accord and worrls I'cll {i.orn
,y ,rrrgr" kept a diary. I'll make it up now and put in the dates later.
like treasure. I couldn,t stop, didn,r lry to stop, t"hey I'II rvrite with my left hand and call myself Hank.
swirled,
swelled, and eddied. The wortls swopt oulsirlc Look, here's another airport story.
to bc tugged,
tossed by the prairie-shaping winri. l,iht:
a r:hain .f seeas
they lifted. Scattered. 0bachan and l, ,ur v,iccs I met this guy at the airport in the departures area. Where
lingered,
reverberated off hollow wails anrr strt:k:rrt:rr are you going, he said. Japan, I said. Back to the 'ole
a0ross ttre land
with streamers of silken thrcaci. homeland, huh, he said. I just shrugged and smiled a bit.
You know, he said, you're pretty cute for a Nip. He said.
I stand in the wind. I facc t.ht: wilrrl. lt bkrws rnv hair. I like Most Nips are pretty damn ugly. All ttrat inbreeding. Even
it.I am six. now He said. Well, have a good one. He said. And boarded
I can talk. I can taili anythirrg I w;rrrt. 'lI'y antl his plane. And I felt really funny inside, him saying Nip aurd
stop me.
"Me Chinese, nlc pla.y .iokr:, rrr(: go
J)oo J)oo in your everything. Because he was one too.
Coke!Hahahaha!,
uBut
I'm not Chincsc,, I ltrolcslt:rl.
 54
Obachan, what? You are nine ty-onc yt:ars ,kli) One hundred
and 1ive? If anyone could live that l,ng a,rl srill wander over
this earth it would be only y,u. ortr wrrr.rn ,l'moth and
dust. Is it ever too late to learn? otlat:rran, r rr:arnctl to speak
Japanese after you left. Ilccaust: I warrtt:rl to. lt,s a good
reason. And you know what I lt:a,rr:rl, Ollat:han? I learned
that there's no way to say I lovr: .y,u irr .lapa.r:st) cxcept to a
spouse or lover. Not to your sislt:r' 0r' llrrrlrr:r' or rlaughter or
son or aunt or uncle or cousirr or rrrollrr:r or Iather. Or
grandmother. All you can say is l)aisuh,iro. A tcpid, I like
you yery much. But I'm glad I lcarrrt:rl ,laparr.sc because
now I can juggle two languagcs arrrl wht:n thcre isn,t one
word in English, it will be thcrt: irr .lapa.r:st: and if there,s
something lacking in your l.onguo, l,ll rt:at:h lirr it in English.
So I say to you in English. I lovc .you, Ollircltan.
Love is a strange thing. SLrangt:r thc older I grow.
When I was an adolescent, I coul(l rrt:vcr picture myself
getting married to a gorgeous blorrrl rrran antl living with
him forever and ever amen. So what rrappcnctr? r I'eil for a
fresh-off-the-boat; actually, he flcw in on a llocing 747, a
Japanese man fifteen years oklcr than ntc. I{c liked to
arrange flowers. This is not a stcru)oty[)o. And he did it
amazingly well. Snip, snip. Snip. .l'hc lowcr leaves of a
peony stem. The flowers werc sr.ill tight anrl bcatis of nectar
pearled on the buds. Ants were cvorywhr:rc. Not t"hat. they
particularly bothered me.
55
oHey!" you interrupt, "are you talking about me?"
[,[/e are driuing southbound on Highway 2, driuing from
Calgary to Nanton to uisit with my Mom and Dad. My Mom
loues you so much, she would eat you up if she could..
"This is a story. One of many." I look both ways down
the railway tracks that cut across the road without euen
slowing down. Whip past High Riuer in the wake oJ a
semitrailer.
"I know," you say, "but you said they uere true stories."
"Listen, they're true if you belieue them.'
"Is that logical?" you ask, reachingJor a cassette tape of
lapanese enka music.
'I don't know. In fact, I don't really care i,f it is or not.
Does it bother you that you're in the story?' I glance ouer to
you, eyes leauing the highway. I hnow euery curae, euery dip,
euery speed tap on this eighty-fi,ue kilometre stretch.
oNo," you pop out Talking Heads to put in Misora
Hibari. "WeLl,I don't mind as long as you don't make me look
stupid."
"I'll make you look great," I promise. "Anyway, it can't
really be you once I make it a story. It becomes someone eke,
you know?"
'Not really," you say, 'but keep on going.'
 56
"Are you sure they'll blossom?" I askcd, my bare l.eet on the
chair beside me.
"Yes, they'll blossom. And smell vcry sweet.,
"I'm not convinced,, I said, watching him. Snip, snip.
Snip.
uWait.
They will flower in a few days.,
"lYhere'd you learn to arrange flowcrs?,
"A Buddhist monk taught mc.,
oNo
shit?"
oNo,
no shit. He lived in an okl tcmplc anrl the wood is
always damp and mildewerl. Very dark too, inside, and thick
with mold eurd inccnse. He rived by hirnscil, it was a small
country temple, and slept on l.he tatarni wiill only a thin
/uton to lie on. One night, after hc harl chanh d all his ottyo,
he lay sleeping in the damp. In the dark. Jusr when he was
almost falling into sleep, he felt this lick]ing tickling
crawling up his leg. He armost twitched but suddenly awake
and thought, 'Centipede!, Ha! Don,t laugh. you only have
tiny infant centipedes in Canada. Especialiy Alberta. Too
cold. But centipedes can grow huge in Japan and a big one,s
bite can kill even a baby!,
"No shit?!' I was getting excited. Not sexually, but by
the story.
'No, no shit. So my sensei lay very very still and he felt
sweat trickling i'rom his shiny bald head and his testes
shriveiled up with fear because this centipcrre is crawling
crawling up his body. But he is a very strong man so he
doesn't move, doesn,t move and up and up ovcr his belly
and chest and a c r o o o s s s s his neck and skrwly slowly
crawled off his body, one leg at a timc. lt took a very long
time.'He picked up the last peony stcm. uAnd whcn the lasi
leg stepped off his neck, my sensei lcapt ro his [bct, very
57
quick he is for his age, sixty-eight, and turned on the lamp
and saw! A centipede one metre long! Hurtling across the
uoooooh, god! No way!'
"Yes way! He looked for something to catch it with, but
the floor was bare and when he looked up, the centipede
was gone.' He was finished. The tight buds of the peonies
iooking hopeful, a cluster, a triad, a sweeping stem nodding.
A balance that almost coilapses. It was beautiful.
uDo you want to fuch?' I asked.
He just took my hand.
The ants go marching one by one. . . .
We stayed in bed for a fortnight. l've no idea how many days
that is, but that's how long we stayed. We ordered pizza and
Chinese food and threw a rope out the bedroom window so
we wouldn't have to get out of bed. We tossed crumpled fifty
dollar bills and yellod,
uKeep the
change!" Everyone called
back, "Enjoy! Enjoy!'And we did.
The sweet scent of peony blossoms. He was stroking
infinity on my nipples when I heard a thud.
uWhat's that?'
uWhat's what?'he asked, infinity turning to stars.
"ThaL," I said. Thud. Para para para.1'hrtd. Para para
para. I looked over his shoulder to the llower arrangement
on the teak display table. 'l'he hearry blossoms were falling
off the stems and the breeze from the open window was
scattering the petals.
uYour flowers are [oast,'I said.
uThat's all right,' he said. ulf I'd wanted to keep them
forever, I would have drawn them."
 58

"What? You draw too?, lled and Yellow, l]lack and Whitr:
"l also paint," showirrg rnc. again. They are precious in tlis sight
Jesus loves the little chiklren of thc world!
We could havc met anywhcre. Wc coulrl havu rnct,
say, in an
airport. 'l'here were pictures dralvn on thc song boards too. Indians
with feathcrs and black boys rvith curly hair rvcaring only
"Are you a tourist?" he ashecl. shorts and yellow people with skinny cycs. And a blonde girl
"VVhy?" asking bach, uwh.y rlo vorr ask rnc?, I lookcd with long eyelashes with a normal dress on.
tlown on myself, my sncakers, rny jcarrs, rny Mir:hcy Mouse uEverybody is the sarne,' thc tcacher said, uJesus
'l'-shirt. Thc cigarette I had tuchcd abovt: doesn't see any dill'erencc at all. llc lovcs you all thc sarne.'
rr)y oar fbll to the
floor and I picked it up ancl brushr:rl tht: lrltcr o[.with my I thought that ,lcsus must be preLty blind if'hc thought
knuckles. I slippcd it betwecn rn.y lips antl paltt:rl my bach everybody was thc samc. llecause they rveren't. Thcy
pockct lirr thc lighr"cr. Irc pr,rrur:uri his witrr,rrt ['uss,r weren't at all. Sometimes, Lhcrc would be a Guess Speaker,
f lourish and lit rny cigaretre.
a missionary from deepest darkest Africa or from a head-
"Am I drcsst,:d likc onc 0r rvhat?,, shrinker tribe in the Amazon.'l'hcrc rvould be a slide show
"No," he anslvcred, "it,s nol thc clothcs you,rc lvearing. of beforc and aller natives and a disptay tablc o1'primitive
[t's the way you srnell.,, tools and graven images. Evervone would gct to l"ouch these
uJesus!"
I raisccl rny rii5ht elbow ear lcvcl anrl sniffed things as a rcmindcr that godless places still exisl".
my pit suspiciously. Nothing too bad. I,ti srncllcd plenry At Christmas time, thcrc was alrvays a brown paper
worse. uJosus," I rcpcated, uy,u bag lor each child. Mostll pcartuts vcrv chcap, but a
s,me kind ,l'wcirdo ,r
what?' scattering ol'coloured mlnts. And a Jap orangc.
"You smell dilfcrcnt,, hc continued, "l can,I f.ell uWe t.hank you Lord, fbr this wondcrlLl ,lap rtrange. A
whethcr or not you,ve just arriverl or if you,rc about to marvel of agricultural technology. Arcn't thc people truly
Ieave.' clever."
"Jesus!" I rcpeatcd. "What country am I in an.yway?, \Vhen I was Iittlc.

(Nlurasaki: 0bachan, arc you listcning? What is there to say about a voiceless man? All that is
unsaid. My f ather's spacc irrsidc my t"houghts is dint and
Naoe: Ycs, r:hild, always.) unforrncd. lle could coax mushr'ooms to grolv in Lhc dust-
strewn prairie and convincc badgers to eat frorn his hands,
Vfrhen I was liulc, so very littlc, rrr.1 N'lorn rnarlt: nl(: go to but he nevcr sat beside mc to fill my ears with nonsensc. Ilc
Sunday school where I lcarncrl lived on his sliin surface and I can't cven rerlcrnbcr rvhat hc
smellcd lihe.
 60
f)ad was a living mystcr.y, onc I coulrln,t rlccipher. How
could he employ over twenty pcolllc anrl harril.y say a word?
Ile spent so much time in his ofiic., r was c.nvincerr he was
completely lazy or working magic spclls. llow r:lsc coultl
a
man who barcly spoke convincc moist rnushrooms t.o grow
in a descrt? Ile reft armosr. ervcrything up t, .r,. anrl signcd
cheques once a month after M,m harr ri,,. the book-
keeping. Surc, he wandererl around thc rlamll hallways,
whistling a melody of somcthing I coulrln,t rccognize.
Lookcd into a few growing roorns and turrred up a
thermostat nr two. Sure, he derivcrcd Lhc ,trri trucrrroad
or.
mushrooms to Catgary. Surc, he carnc into thc coll.ce room
at ten in the rnorning and threc in thc af'tcrno,n and
somer.imes at six lbr a bought-rbr-takr:-out sur)pcr fionr
Ginger Jim's r,vhen the picking rvoulrl continue or) past ten
at
night. It wasn'r. Iike he sat around at home ail da1 watching
soaps' But hc spent a lot of timc in his oflice anci I
never
asked to go inside.
(Murasaki: 0bachan, are you sal'e, are you well? Not
sleeping on pcbbles or cating nettles or sucking on
snow for moisture. Whcrc are you now, l.onight?
Naoc: Chitd, I lingcr here.)
u\4trat's
that funny smell?,, patrit:ia aslicrl.
uWhat
sm.ll?, I ashcri. ,,Carr I h.vt: lral[',{'yrur Wagon
Wheel?'
She brokr: the lVagon \vhr:cl, thc rnarshmallow
stretching a bit when shc pullctl [hr: halv.s it[),r.t. Sht:6lave
mc the bigger half'and nibbrcrr .n .hc bis.uir, ri.riing the
chocolate awilr.
"That smell. Your house smell."
"What house smell?' I said anxiously. We didn't eat
foreign food at all. 0nly meat and carrots and potatoes like
everyone else. And Oblchan hadn't sneaked any squid for
months.
"It smells like warm toes or something.'
uIs it gross?" I asked. Clean warrn toes or dirty ones?
uNo, not gross,' she thought, picking at the marsh-
mallow with her pinkie. uJust funny.'
ul can't smell it," I nervously glanced around my house
with new eyes. Strange to me for the first time.
*Don'[ worry, you smell something all the time and it's
like not smelling anything at all. I don't know what my
house smells like,'she smiled reassuringly.
sPotato steam.'
uls it gross?'
she asked. Curious.
uNo, it's just potato steam.'
uDo you want to play outside?' shc licked chocolate
smears from her fmgertips.
uSure.'
I
I wandered in my house after that, my nose a finger
pointing. And really smelled for the first time. I didn't want
I'
rl to believe that our house had a smell. And Mom was so
clean all the time. F-rom cranny to closet I scurried about,
hands on my knees and all hunchcd over. 0bachan said,
oKore,
Murasaki-chan. Nani o shiteru no ha na?" as I
scuttled to and fro, from kitchen to hallway to living room
closet.
"No[ nr)w, Obachan, l'm looking for something." I crept
back and forth, then crawled to my grandmother. Sniffed
cautiously around her ankles.
"Ara ma ha! ha! ha! ha!" she laughed. "Mattaku inu to
 V
52
53

sokkuri! Nani o isshokenmei sagashiteru no\"

two dollars and 0bachan winked.
No, it wasn,l her. Obachan only whifferl slightly
of dust
and the sweet smell of chinook. Warm tocs, warm
toes, nose (Murasaki: 0bachan, arc you'cold?
and nose and nose warm toes. Sorne lingcring
odour from
the laundry room. I poked in the laurrlry hampcr,
filled with Naoe: No, I'm full up with ginger and hot sake!
Dad's work clothes. And the waft that rose
arourd me. I,he
clamour of mushrooms growing.
Murasaki: Waii a minute, Obachan. Just stay a while.
I was horrified. something so insidious [at.t,,ed intt.r
ttre walls of our home, the upholstery in our
car, thc very Naoe: Something you want to talk about, Mwasaki?
pores in our skin. we hacr been contaminatcd
without ever
knowing. F'or all that Mom had tlone to cover up
our Murasaki: Obachan, cvcryone wants to hear stories.
0riental tracks, she,d overlookecl the one thing that people
And I can't fuish thcm. I'hey scatter Iike sheep.
always unconsciously register in any encounter.
We had [,i]rc dust.
been betrayeri by what we smelled like. we
had been
betrayed by what we grew.
Naoe: No need to tie them up. 'Iherc is always room for
beginnings.
You know what I hated most? Valentine,s Day. Those press_
out valentine card booklets that everyone bought,
including Murasaki: And l've becn doing this thing where I bite
me, and I knew what I would always get. At least
five of the inside of my mouth accidently and it swells up so
them. Every year. I hated it. The press_out I

Oriental_type girl Il that it's even easier to bite and it swells even more
in some sort of pseudo kimono with wooden sandals
on and it never has a chancc to heal and I bite again
backwards and her with her hair cut straight
across in and again. 0bachan?
bangs and a bun and chopsticks in her hair, t,
her eyes all
slanty slits. I knew there was something wrong I
about me Naoe: Yes?
getting these cards. What thc picturc was
sayin65. But the
words weren't there to speak out rourr yet It
and ail I courd rlo Murasaki: Will you tell me a story?
was feel lhis twisty thing inside rnc. r,nry
*Thank smircri antr said,
you,' lilie my mothcr had [au55ht rnc. And burncd t Naoe: I thought you wcrc tired ol'talcs.
them when I got home.
*Happy rl
Valentine,s I)ay," Dad sairl, arrri gave me
a Murasaki: Never ol'hearing them.
heart-shaped cancly that would crumblc in
my ntout.h [ang_
sour rhar said, you,RE My swEt,lllilAll,l.. Mom
65ru" _1 Naoe: I'll tell you a tale of '[Jba-Sute Yama'
 64
65

Murasaki: Is this a real story?
Naoe: As real as these words herc and now.)
Mukashi, mukashi, omuhashi. . .
When it was so very ciifficult to find lirorl in plcnty,
there
Iived a poor, poor farnily in a poor, poor villagc
mountain across a creek with her bare feet to her sister's
house for a home perm. Sa! sa! sa! She walked watked
walked. uWhere are you going?" people callcd, raising their
heads, backs still hunched over in the endless cool mud
ache of replanting rice. uWherc are you going, Obachan, in
such a hurry?' 'l'he granrlmother only pulled her lips inside
her mouth and grinned quite grossly, mimicking tooth-
!

lessness, and wavcd with a llap flap of'wrisL, not pausing for
on a poor,
poor mountainside. The villagc was so very a bit of gossip or a sip of cold boiled water.
poor tha. Lhere I

was a law rlecreed that upon reaching your i

"Ara-raaa. Yappari," the people mul.tered into tender
sixtieth birthday, I
you must bc abandoned in the mountains I
by your family. blades of rice, "lt's her lurn now and she's so frightened ttrat
Wcll, there was outrage and anger zLnd plenty i she has no words to talk."
of tears, but
the younger people were secrctly pleased At last the grandmother reached the house where her
because parents
who were sixty years old were too old to watch sister lived. Her younger sister was cleaning thc mud from
oue" fire
children and cook dinner and weerl the garden her straw sandals, sluicing her icy calves with water from a
and haul
water, but young enough to cat tr,vo bowls
of barley gruel bucket.
every day. So there began a practice of carrying uolder sister! Why it's such a long walk Lo u)asa u)asa
one,s parent
on the back to the ritual place of abandonment. come and see rne. Plcase sit down. ln the sun where it's
Now there was one gran(lmother who was I.ast warm and I'll go and put on some hot water for us.'
approaching her sixtieth birthday, and evcry "No [uss. Don't fuss." She squatt"cd on her haunches by
day, she
counted on her lingers, count.in6; down Lhe *!Vcll,, the doorway and, uWhooosh,' sighed. Ilockcd a littlc on her
tiays. she
thought, "well, I might as werr rlo a nice h.mc heels and seeped forward bach torvard hcr toes. llcr
pcnn bcforc r
go.' younger sister hung her wc't scratchy sandals from a peg in
the wall and stumped bareloot into the housc. 'l'here was a
(Murasahi: Obachan, clirl thcy havc hornc
l)crms so clatter clang of lid on kcttle anrl the hiss ol'cold water
very long ago?
pou-rcd into an alrcady hot nabe.'l'hc grandn)othcr could
Naoe: Well, they rlo, indecd, in this talt:
hear her sisler raise this lid that, rustling claltcr of boxes,
I tcll you now. jars, and empty con[ainers. lleard hcr sigh. She came out
Murasaki: I like that. I like that notiorr.) holding a well-chipped and slightly hcat-warpcd wooden
tray with two cups ol'hot watcr. And nothing else.
ul'm sorry On1-san, this is all I
So the not so very old but fast approaching can serve you.'
sixr.v-year_old
grandmother walked , sa! sa! sa! u[) nt "No fuss, don't fuss. Ahhh, this hot lvatcr is [rrr:! I was
ou n ta irr tlown
 65
thirsty after my climb. No, nr), I t:amc to sec you and ash a
favour.'
Her sister knelt on the grounrl trcsiclc hcr, boweti low
until hcr straggle hair was streakcri with t1ust. 'l.ht:
grandmother strohed hcr sister's knobby back and waitcd.
I"ler sistcr loolied up with t.ears in her eycs.
oAra-raaa.
Now why arc .vou crying? I,vr: corne to have
some {un!"
uFun?"
asked her youngcr sisl.cr. l.he word strange on
her tongue.
"Yes, fun. Now up! Up! Wc have to gct ready," the
grandmothe r said, hcr eyes merry as minnows. "[ want you
to give me a nice home perm."
ul'm so sorry. We had
to trade my home perm set. I
don't have it any more,, her sister said, miserably.
uNo
mattcr! No nrattcr! I'll think of sornething, Lhat,s
certain. Let's go!'
u0h no,
I couldn't!, said her youngcr sistcr. *l still have
to stoke the firc and the twjns wiil wake soon and my son
and his sons and my dau6;hLcr-in-law will come home in
half an hour wairing ro bc I'ed anrl thc batL, rcl llll and heat
and I havelt'[ cven-'
uWhen was the last
tirne you harj ['un?, the
grandmother asked.
"0h, well, I guess, it's bcen a long Iirnc.,,
"lIow [ong?'
u0ver fi{'ty years.,,
' lungs. The smack smack of tongue and lip on pieces of
u'fhen it's
timc to havc fun again," l.rr,,r on,t,.snn said,
and held out a w.rh-scrabblcd hanrr. so Lh..y rt:fi thc twirs,
Lhe empty trath and climbed up into tht: nrountain. 'fhey
walked somc time, just hokling hancls, Lh. l.r:r:s ;ls warm as
stoncs.
57
uWhy, I haven't done a nice home perm since I don't
know when! But what will we use for curlers?'
The grandmother stopped, winked and reached down
to the cushy forest floor and held up a pine cone.
"Pittari!" her sister laughed and clapped her hands.
They chattered and collected pine cones together. When
they had enough, they found a tiny glade of bamboo where
the sun trickled. Sat close like they did when they still lived
in their mother's house.
uI have a surprise for you," the grandmother said,
smiling. Smiled again.
"Oh, what?' I{er younger sister cried, clapping her
hands like when she was a child. "\4rhat, oh what is it?'
The grandmother reached into her sleeve and pulled
out half a package of Mild Sevens, a lighter, and a Meiji
chocolate bar.
uOh, On4-san,' her sister sighed, eyes all dreamy. The
grandmother tucked a cigarette between her sister's lips
and lit. Lit her own and broke the chocolate bar in half.
They flopped backwards on the springy moss, and drew
deeply on their cigarcttes. Nibbled on chocolate between
puffs of heady smoke. Looking skyward at the flickering
blue between bamboo sheaves.
"Are you having fun?'
"Yes.'
They lay silently. Only the sigh of smoke trickling into
sweet chocolate.
uAre you scared OnC-san?"
uOf what?"
"Of Uba-Sute Yama? the younger sister said, with a
small shudder.
 68
69

"Not at all,, the granclmother said, smacking her

woman and doesn't take any cream. She's an Ivory girl with
chocolate.
eyebrows plucked and pencilled in darker. It's funny how
"\4rhy not?,
uBecause childrcn grow insidc vour borly, but Lhey turn out to be
what we call somerhing governs the scope
strangers. Furrny how you can love sorneone but never Iearrl
and breadth of whar it,ll be." 'l,he granrlmother
saL up and to like them. And I'm no prize myself. Ahhh, old malformed
clasped hcr arms around her knces.
Richard wasn't the only onc rvhose winters stretched long
"Wha[ do you mean?" [[cr.younger sister sat up heside
and bitter. Old Shakespeare might har.e writtcn a different
her.
ult's play if there had bet-n chinoohs rvhere hc lived. A chinook
a place where people are abanrloned. lt,s place
a of docs wondcrs to a body. My curled-in hngers slowly solten
abandonment!" l'he grandnothc,r flung rvirjc
her arms and and I can bcnd thern again. I carelully search in the lolds of
llopped backward onto the moss.
*I think I,m my cloilres for the last mot}l hiddcn thcre, but it is too late.
beginning to see."
She lalls, brittle and stifl'to thc floor b.v rny I'eet. Ilut lhe wind
is lvarm and l-he crysl"als of ice that manage lo whisper into
Gclod gracious me anri my tits! where in
mackerel dirl that the house slowly melt inl"o puddlcs. Kciko comes to wipc
story come from? I can,t tell where 0bachan
cncls and I them up and mops the entirc floor as well.
begin or if I madc the whole rhing up or il.ir was uMove your feet, Obachan,' she says, and shoves the
all
0bachan.
mop between the legs ol my chair, bctween my slippered
Mom nevcr tolcl any stories. No compound sentences
feet.
for that woman, shc thrivccj on sutrjccL verb objcct.
Ilut I Wait, I say, I want l.o pick up my moth, tlut Keiko has
guess I can't complain. She marle rny life
easy and easy to already soaked her up in thc strands of the mop. No matter,
assimilate il'your grandmother is skinny enough
to bc I say, never mind. 'l'hcrc arc cggs somervhcrc and thcre will
stufl'ed in a closct. Not that. shc ever clid and
not that be mol"hs again. Ahh, it would be an easy thing Lo slcep now,
obachan woulcl cver a[orv it. I]ut in Mom's
minrr, the closet to stop my mouth and closc mv cycs. But there arc thilrgs
door nevcr,penecr. 1'oo bacr, I sa.y. 'rkro bacr
ab.uL shit rilre still Ic{t to do.
that.

'l'here is a non-wind, irr.lap;rn, in the sumnlcr. Whcn the air

Naoe
hangs thick. A breat.hlcss tirnt: of'sucking air like water and
Shige and I sat still, in t.hc shade ol'the pcrsirnmon trec. lf
lhe wind is warm and I'rom thc rvesL, the achc rnclts from
we moved, the air would stick to oul skin like rvct hot paper.
my toes. chinook, r muttcr, chinook. '['he wintcrs
arc long So wc sat rnoLionless, likc l"hc stonc gods, and watchcd
here, and nothing likc long lvintcrs to make y.u
think anJ sweat trichlc down our Iaccs. 0nlr- thc cicadas had thc will
thinh.'l'he ria.ys, grirn anri grit, anrl not ovon
a soft t.o stir.
persimmon to swecten my 11ay. I(ciho is
a Nrrtra-swcet . After scvcn long years ol'burrolving bcncath the soil,
 70
71

seven long ycars of tender-lvhite grub skin ancl wet rlirt

every day, please blcss our homc with a child, even if that
silence, they welcomed the heat with their newly brittled
child were to be l"iny, even il'thal" child were to be the length
wings. They clung to the bark of trees and cried and shrilled
of the tip of a finger. 'l'heir wish was granted and in due
in thrumming songs of ecstasy. 'l'he songs rippling outward
time, the woman gave birth to a tiny child, the length of the
on the sweat-moistened air around them.
uNaoe-chan, tip of her finger.'['hey loved thcir son rlearly, and called him
Shige-chan,, 0kasan called. uI have Issun-Boshi.
cucumbers I cooled in the well. Come, eat. It will make you
lssun-lloshi grcw up to be a brave and comely lad,
feel better.'
even though he didn't grow in stature. One day, he
lVe smilcd to cach othcrand slowly rosc [<l our f'ect. We
expressed his wish to r.isit the capital. So his mo[her armed
did not rur lihe we did in the spring or auturnn, but moved
him with a nccdlc lrom hcr scwing basket, gave him a bowl
with languid arms and lcgs, as if'we wcre stirring deep
for a boat, and he driltcd down the river, steerinS; with a pair
underwater.
o[ chopsticks. When he arrivcd at the capital, he fourd work
Shige. What, you are seventy_live, eighty years old?
with a noble family and they were much pleased with his
And kind l"umiko, alrvays smiJing, cven afrer rhe childrcss
demeanour. N{iwa, the daughtcr of thc hor-rsehold, was
years. Still smiling, no doubt. I(iyokar,va to end wirh us. you
particularly fond clI hirn.
had no children, Shige. t'umiko. lyhen you visiLed ternples
One day, Miwa dccided l"o visit the temple to pray and
and climbed steep stairs to pray at thc shrines, Ibr a child.
Issun-Boshi accompanicd her. As they walhed through the
Send us a child, we rvill love any chilcl, even if'that child
dapple green ol bamboo groves, two hideous oni jumped
should be as srnall as Lhe cnrl ol'a fingcr. IJut to no avail.
lrom thc rccs to accost thc lovr:I1' girl. Issun-lloshi drew his
The gods didn't hear you, ,r perhaps they harl othor matters
needle and stabbed onc ol Lhe rtni in the toe.
to tend to. And Keiko tahes the name o{'}rer husband. \ 'ltai! lkti!' hc bcllowed and loohed dorvn to sce what
Kiyoliawa to end with me. l,il,lishness! 'lb attach so muctr to I
had prickcd him. Whcn hc saw tiny Issun-Boshi brandishing
thc continuation ol'a nam.. \,.u might havc a granrl name
a sewing nccdle, hc laughcd and laughed until lhe ground
and still live and die as an icliot. lvhat mattcrs are the things l

shooh. uMy, what a ficrcc littlc warrior,' he chuckled and

you do, the things y0u sa) out Ioud.
piched up the brave lad bctwccn his thurnb and ltrre[rnger.
. "Unhand the maidcn or you'll havc nrc to deal with!'
Mukashi, rnukashi, omukashi. . .
Issun-tsoshi challcngcd, not the least intirnidated by the
slrenglh anrl size of thc rnonslcr.
Thcrc Iived a goorl couple who wcrc nlarricrl Ior rnany
"Why you mouthv littlc undcrt'ed rnanling! ['ll eat you
years. 1'hcy wcre kindry peoprc ancl lovcrr cat:h olrrcr
dcarry, for a snacli,' Lhe red oni laughcd, and tosscd him into his
but one unhappiness marred Lhcir lifi:.,l,hr:.v *,,.,, nu,
gullet. Ilut the bravc lad did not g;ive up. IIc ran about t"he
blcsscd lvith a child. s, thc t:ruprc p.avt:rr at tlr. tcr,plc,
demon's grcat bclly and stabbed his organs rvith his needle
 72
sword uxtil the ozl howled with pain anri spewecl him from
his gut. Thc second orLibenL l,w tu picli hirn up, but lssun
Iloshi flew at Lhe demon's cye and picrccd the gianl. globe
with his needle. 'l'he rwo howring oni fled [r.rn the great
warrior, back to their mountain home. As they ran, one of
the demons dropped a magical mallet. A mallet which could
be swtrng, ichi, ni, san, and asked to grant an.y wlsh desired.
The lovely daughter ol the noble family saw what the
monsters had dropped and pickerl it up with joy.
"Issun-Roshi! Now you can grow to the size of normal
men and we oan become married!, Miwa cried, her heart
Iilled with love and admiration lirr her mighty little warrior.
"Let this be so,' l.hc youth answcred, and Miwa swung
the mallet, ichi, ni, san, and.lssun-lloshi grcw biggcr and
broader and, in fact, was a great samurai. 'l,he family were
overjoyed when thr:y heard the story and gladly agrced Lo
their marriage. lssun-l]oshi j,incd their lamily as an equar
despite his modesl. past. Uul" his suriden statu_re, his notrle
position and his victory ovcr trvo oni fillcd rhe lad,s heart
with pride and his liindly derncan,ur bccame a thing ol'the
past. Whr:n Miwa lay dorvn Lo slecp besirlc hcr new
husband, he cared not a rvhit firr hcr pleasurc, but tore into
her in what hc thought suitcrl his manly position. Miwa
wondered whar. had happened to the boy she harl loved. She
bled but did not cry.
Many wccks passcd. Issun-lloshi, who had been brave
but gentle when he was so rnuch smallcr, became more
arrogant and violcnt. Miwa rvair.ed anri waited to see if
Issun-Boshi was only going thr,ugh a period of adjustmenl..
\lten his kindly paren[s in I.hcir coarsc cotton c]othes came
searching I'or thcir t.iny son, he Iaughcd at thcir poor
appcarancc.
73
uAnd if
"l have no time frrr peasant talk,' he mocked.
your tale is really true, than your son must have surely
drovrrned in thc river, for no such boy was ever heard of in
tJne capital." Issun-Boshi's parents left, with tears of sorrow
in their eyes, for the son they had lost. Miwa, who had been
watching through a crack in ttre screen, l'elt her chest heave
with hate.
That night, when lssun-lloshi had done with his wife,
he lay snoring on his ;fulon. Miwa crept soltly to the family
treasury and found the magical mallet. Shc sottly slid bach
to where her husband lay, and swllng, it:hi, ni, saz, lssun-
tsoshi shrinkirg shrinking, until hc was Lhe sizc of the tip ol'
a filger. "Fley!" he squeakcd, "hoy, what are you-" Miwa
lifted her gracet'ul fbot and crushcd hirn bcncath her heel.
All that was left was a tinv slain on an othcnvisc spotless
tatami.
l-unny thing, Murasaki, how these storics keep changing.
But that's the naturc of all matter, I suptrlose. Can't expect
the words to come out thc same each time my tongue movcs
to spcak. lf my tongue were cut li'orn my face, I would surely
grow another. No, it is the naturc of matter to change, and I
feel the change coming from dcep within my bones. 'l'ime
ripens like a fruit and I must hurry, hurry.
I am used to hearing this roaring in rny ears, the
whistling scritch of dust pitting the walls. If'the wind should
stop, woulti I miss it, I wonder'. lVould my mouth crinkle up
and my body lall to dusl.? 'l'hcrc arc ages o[ silcnce and ages
of roaring, but onc rnorc thing rcmains. Whcn thc words
havc run t-heir coursc Lhcrc oontos a tirnc ol'change. I
cannot stav in this chair lirrcvcr.
 74
75

u[{ow was
you]. day, Granrlma?,, between lon6; rows o1'tea. Okasan hcld my hand and I sang
I start. Didn,t hear him comc in, my, so late alreariy. songs I learncd at school.
"Kyo no haze wa chortct hageshihatta yo.
chorto k,taera "You will be good, chikl?"
ka na," I say, waiting for his always, uclad to hear it., "Hai" Ohasan, I will be very good.'
lJut
he surprises rne.
"You will work hard and Iis[r:n to t"he elders and not ask
"I brought you something, Granclma. Thought you silly questions?"
might likc ir.' "Hai, Okasan. I will work very hard and bring home
It is a mushroom. Bigger, than my two f.ists held Iots of money so we can have nice things again and lots and
together and rich with the sccnt of soil. But this
mushroom, Iots of food." 0kasan only held my hand tight and said
somewherc, somehow, t,wo spores must have mclded nothing more. We walked down the road, thc tea so green
together' tlecause thcrc is a huge burge on the
main body or' beside us. Cicadas thrummcd and shrieked. Their cries
t.he stem, a t.wo-headed m ushroom with two possiblc were the only movelnent in the dust we raiscd with our feet.
umbrellas I'illed with gilrs o1' tiny sporcs. I hold the Sudden sting/slash razor cutting across the backs of my
mushroom in my crack-linerl palms and breathe
ir deep, legs I screamed. No sound, no whisper, nothing, but it
l.he smell of growing.
returns whip-like through still air, even cicadas silent, and
"Ulsukuslrii," I sigh, looh up t.o rny rlaughter,s husband. slashcs across my chest, tty lt,imono in tatters, the skin
"Arigato." parted. lllood. So sudden anri gonc and I stoorl howling in
"Glad you like it," he says and wanders down the the middlc of the road, bleeding, 0kasan looking {rightened
hallway to rhe shower. When he is gone, I raise the holding me close. Searching with hcr cyes lirr someone,
mushroom t0 m.y moul_h to take a gianr lrite. 'l'he something, who cut nlc up, but thcre is nothing there.
llcsh so
firm, s0 juicy.l munch anrl munch. Nothing.
{
"What was it Okasan? Who hurt me?" I sobbcd, and
lJseless to wasle time on scntimental mcmory.
I may bc an clurg to rn.y solid mothcr.
old fool, but stupidity is another matter. So important to ult was the hama itachi. An
evil wind that moves with
remember, trut say the worris out lourl. Don,t wallow the speed ol'a weascl and cuts lvil"h thc sting of a scythe."
in
pools ol'yestcrday, I say. l)on,t drown in yesterday,s
tears.
ullut whv, why did hc hurt mc? I wasn't bad,' I said,
It'he wind in Alberta is harsh, but he is also .I.he tears dryfurg in my mother's kimono.
constant.
wind will wear away at soil, paint, skin, but he wilt ulle marked you, child. Naoe-chan, your
ncver lif'e rvitl bc a
blow with guilc. difficult one. And you must always be strong. Comc, we
must lcavc t"his evil place." Okasan pichcd rno up, even
l'here is a winrl in,lapan, callerJ kama itat:hi. Scythe though I was too big to bc carricd, and hurried from that
weasel.
We walkcd along the red dirt roarl, not cven road. I Lucked my thumb in nry mouth, lbr thcrc was no one
a brceze,
 76 7t
77
$i
therc to see me. I loohed back ,ver 0kasan's shoukler, and
Of course, I will not leave empty-handed. There was a
thought I saw something streah beneath the rong rlark rows
time when a person could travel with only a coat on her
of tea.
back and journey from place to place. Trade stories for a
place to sleep, a bowl of rice or fish. But this time has passed
Therc are ages of silenc<.' antl agcs o{'roarirg, but these too
and I can trade nothing for my stories now. l,il just fetch
must come to a close. 'r'hc fuil-belried rnron hangs low in
Keiko's purse, no, leave her Visa, she uses it so often, she,ll
the sky and I feel a stirring in m.y bones. In thc hoilows of
miss it surely. I'll take the MasrerCard instead. And eighty
my mouth. It is a time of'change.
f dollars. She'll think Shinii took it. What else? Ah, so hard to
Ahhh, so easy to say, but. another matter to open a door,
i Ieave, my body so used to the form of the chair. Foolishness!
step out., anrl closc it bchind mc. [,eaving what I know to
J I must leave this chair like a husk, Ieave like a newly formed
explore what I d,n't. 'tha[ takes morc than just a simple {
i cicada. A silk moth. Tlventy years is long enough. Only a
wish or a passing thou5;ht. Easicr yct just to stay put in my
fool will howl forever. No, I must truly leave. Keiko will
chair of incubation. I nevcr craimcrl to be brave . che! 'r'hi,s
worry I suppose, for all that she pretends otherwise. But
snivelling doesn't become me, and the winrl mocks my
Murasaki, Murasaki will linger with me forever.
weahness. N,. I r:ann,t sit hr:rc [.r.ver. 'l'hc prairie wind
I leave you a letter, Keiko. If you choose, you may
will dry rnc ou[,cven as lsit, turning rne into a living
understand.
m*mmy. I'll Lre t.appcd lor ctcrnity uttcring hollow s,untls,
words without substance. I woulrl rathcr disembowel my
innards lhen stay a prisoncr o[' rny own chuice. ttitual
harahiri so bcarrtilul in thcory but not so prctty whcn
intcstines spill lilie giant worms out of the bodv. 'l'he stink
of
digestcd f,od turning into shit. What a silly way t.o tlic, and
no one ever r.alks atlout who gcts to clcan up the rness. Not.
to mention thc actual pain of slicing opcn yom owtr body.
'l'here are things r havcn't
cxpe.ie.ce ci yet. Nrloments of'
joy I haven't allowerl mysclf'to live. I rlon,t want to
die
bclbre I'vc ever fallen inr.o my f'resh ,r laugherl rnyself sily.
There aro so many things I want to do and l,m ready to
begin thcm n,w. I(ciko anrl N4urasarri nccd to grow without
my noisy prcsencc and I neerl to live outsidc thc habit
of my
words. I go.
 78
1
You dismantle our bed, taking the screrus out of the
headboard and along the frarne. The mattress and, the bor
are leaning against the wall. //e lift the mattress out together,
then the box, the headboard and the pieces oJ the
frame. l,tte
load them up into the back rf a u-Haul trailer which we pull
behind your car.
"l,That brought thLs on, onyway?" I ask, clriuing sloruly.
"I don't knou. It jusl came lo nte sudd.enly. ll usas a_
what do you call it? A brain u;aDe!" you smile, pteased, with
your m,efi|ryry.
"Are you sure you r:an, qlJortl it? 'fhe hed,s still perJbctLy
She bundled hcrsell'in the thickest coat shc could find,
fine, you knou;. wrapped one scarl'around hcr ncck and one around her
"l'm sure. Aren'l you the one ruho says we shoukl be head. 'l'ied the ends beneath hcr chin. Shc opened the snap
more immediate? "l'hat u;e shouLtln,t let habit and of the pursc on the liitchen tablc and flipped through thc
complacency dicLale th,e direr:tion tf our Liues,?" you say, wallet. Pullod the bills out and countcd them once, twice,
raising one eyebrow higher than the other. then pockctcd some, returned l"hc rcst. She chose a credit
"Che! Don't mimic me." I putL into the back attey behind
card and peered carcfully. It was rnuch too dark to make out
the saluati,n Army. 'l.uto women come oul kt help unload the the lines and swirls ol'the sigtraturc, so shc {'ticked the
bed and they thank us.for our d,onation. lfe driue ro hitchen light on and tht: suddcn glarc made hcr squint. Thr:
Kensington, to a tuton shop. And I Jeer euiremenr tickling br:ight light was as loud as sound in Lhe quiet ol'a midnight
against mry chest. kitchen. She lookerl upward, aL the the ceiling, but there
"Wat's your biggest fulon?" you ask, hands resting on were no f'loorboard creaks so shc sat at the table and
your hips. practiced [or64in6; Lhe signature on a paper towcl. \4hen she
"That would be the Shogun size!, a sales cLerlt says, was finally satisl'ied, she tore thc towcl into shreds and
rubbing hA hands togeth,er. burned them Ln thc sinli.'lucked the card into a deep pocket
"ll/e'lL fuke it," y,tt su-r, then tLtrn lo rne. "ll/h,al, coktur with the cash.
tlo
you ruant?" ' She Lurned to the fridgc and opened thc door, perusing
"PurpLe," I breuthe.
thc contcnts with her lips pursed, a fingcr tapping her
cheek. Sht: muttcrcd as shc chosc a wcdge of checse, a
pomegranatc, pita brcad, nasty tasteless l-hing but it was
light and it would kccp, an applc, a pachage ol'llurns
weiners, did shc have no pridc? Ah, but travcllers can't bc

79
 80
81

choosers, a Sunkist orange, was there nothing Japanese in

Was tempted to sit onoe more, inside the solt curve of the
the fridge ar all? Nor onc single thing,? And way ar r.he
back, seat that her bony buttocks had carved over two decades,
behind pickled herring gone crourry and mysrery jars of no
but no! 'l'he chair had lent her stability in the midsl. of
discernable origins, she found a tiny crock of salr.ed prairie dust and wind, but she could easily let it become her
seawecd. she snarchcd it up anrr srowly twisted the rid
opcn, prison. Shc set her lips. ltubbed a hand over her eyes and
took a tenr-at.ive sniff. Sart and sea. It was fine. she dipped
a brow, her back bent, her bundle of food at her feet. She
wrirkled pinkie into the black paste and sucrrcrl it Irom her whispered ja ne, with somcthing closc to loss or memQry.
finger in appreciativc smachs. Smack! smack! she rwisted Thc old woman stroked thc bach ol'the chair with a steady
the lid bacli on and set the jar,n thc growing mourcl ,f food
hand, thcn picked uphcrfuro.shlkl. Opened the door.
cluttered at her feet. A six-pack of tleer. Much too heavy but J'he lvind almost snatched thc door from her hand in a
it would g, so niccly with thc scawecd paste and the sarted blast ol'ice and dust, but she hung on tightly. Couldr't lct thc
squid she'd savcd up. she sighed. Antt adclerr the becr t<l her
door slam before she cvctt had a r:hance Lo Lakc one step
stores. she lookcd dorvn at. the coilection anrr shut the frirtge
outside. Flcld tight, rvalhcd over the thrcshold into the swirl
door reluctantly.
of snolv outside . She closcd thc door behind hcr.
There was cnough foorl to be hcarry, but not cnough to
last. She would havc to hitch a ride as often as she could.
She reached into her monpe pocliet anri took out a neatly
foldedfuro,sftilrl. She shook it out with a snap of her wrist
so Naoe
that the square picce of cloth was flat on the lloor. Arranged
the lbod on rop of the Juroshiki, rlisrributing the weighr
Snow! It would have to snolv thc night I choosc to leave. [{a!
evenly, thcn ticd two diagonal c.rners in thc ccnter of.the
Illow on, blow on, Woman o[ the Snow. Yult,i-Onna. t'unny
square. T'ied the rcmaining two corners over top of thc first
how I hated the wind so, wltcrt I rvas sheltered from it. Wc
knot. 'l'he sea paste she kept in her pochet with the money
are sisters, you and l, anrl your cool breath upon my checks
and salterl squld. she hctlccl rhc weight <i'thefurrshiki
antl will comfort me. Ahhh, this air is swcet and the crystals of
glanced around the kirchen. 'r'urnerl orr thc right. llrack.
ice in my hair shiver likc tiny cymbals. [t is. good to ]eave.
Stood still in the rlark,ess unt.ir her eyes atrjusr.cd, a
bcnt Good to lcavc that housc of dustl' rvords. 'lbo easy to sit and
and huddled figure.
Lalh and talh whcn I can walh and talk insl"earl. Ah, fbol.
As she walked down the hall, she stret.ched out brittle
, Vlarch on.
fingers to strcke the chair shc had sat in for mure
lears than
she could hold in thc cup of hcr ha,trs. 'r'hc straight
w,odc. Gauta gau)a gau)a gau)a
back, no cushion or armrests {irr comfort. Shc was
drawn to Ototatete
it through force of habit, drarvn by the pa[tcrns in her borly. ^ Are are morino muk(tkara
Soro soro detekuru hik(tsen.
 82
83

tsut wait. I
shoulrr. I want to see before I leave this prace
with sound and story. Why a body could get lost with all this
forever. The fushigj smell where the mushrooms are
noise, but the nose never lics. Sniff. Sniff Actually, you can
growing. Ilcre, so near. I lvouk] like to tlip my fingers in the
taste with your nose if you're rcally sensitive. Like a dog, or
moist soil where they ripen in thc dark. T.urn back, woman,
maybe a snake. No, that's not quite right. A snake tastes
turn back. 'l'here are no pilrars o| sart in my culture. I wilr
smells on his tongue? Or he smells tongucs on his taste. Or
see before I leave. Mattaku! 'fhis Juroshlftl is going to get
smells taste on his tongue-but I babble and scrabble-
heary. It's hearry enough already, no telling how heavy ii,ll
snakcs arc dreaming of sun-warmed rocks and dogs are
be when I'vc walked a league or two, however flar that may
twitching their toes in rabbit delight, but this old woman
be. I'll find someone to give m. a ride, onco l,m on the
rnust walk!
highway.
Yuki-Onna. Woman of thc Snow. l,ockccl in your story
of beauty and death. Let mc rclease you. Ilress your icy lips
[o mine, there, and rieath nrill Ilee from my mouth o1'frcsh
She walked wil"h an casy pace, face thrust into the bite of
ginger. I am old, but l'm still f'ull of brinc and sake,.[.herc,
wind, hands clasped behind hcr back, holding hcr bundlt: of
much better, I say and what? your checks become rosy.
supplies. She didn't stop at thc compost barn, but trudged on
[[ere, sit a while, enough of that hovering on lr.inti. A body
farther to Lhe second building. Stood outsidc a small door for
could get dizzv, waLching you whisk arourrl so. 't'he snow is
a moment, then opened it. Shc stcpped inside.
soft and you must be tired, all thosc ycars lrapped in a story
And balhed in a blanhct ol'soi] and moisture. Shc stood
not of your crcation. Are y,u Lhirsty? I havc beer. It,ll ease
still in lhe rlarkness, blinlting in lvondcr. Surprised when
your thirst and thicken your blOod. No? Why l,vc just the
shc felt a warrn wetncss trichling dovm her cheeks. Pulled
thing for a pale woman likc you. Ilere, talie. Why it,s a
the gloves ofl'hcr hands with clumsy lLngers and reached Lo
pomegranate, child. No, of'course
1,ou,ve never seen onc, t.ouch her face. Whcn shc hcld hcr fingcrs befbre her eyes,
they woulri .rcvcr grow i. thc sn,w. Bcnca[h thc leather
thcy glowed with phosphorcsccnt" beaut-v. Shc smiled. The
skin, thcre arc droplcts ol'ruby so sweet you,ll ncver taste
old woman could smell the lirgering brorvn aroma of coffee
the bitter dust of death again. [,ct mc break it in harf. 'fake
and the under-smell of formaldehydc. The cahcy yeasty
them, child. Sinh your tceth into thc fruit. Suck. ycs, I know.
sugar smell of old 'lwinhie wrappcrs. So black, so dark, she
You stay and rest, but Imust. be going to see some
could only see with her nose, rvith thc surlace of her senses.
mushrooms.
She fclt a soft nudging at her boot.s, and lelt a warm hump at
Somuch snow blorving, I rcally 0an,t sec, but I must be
her fee t. Heard a blink of eye s. 'fhe fast thump thump
getting closcr. lcan snrcll thc sour compost. lt hangs
tikc a thump of tail beating the [1oor. Shc crouched down to let the
ripc wet cl.th above I"hc compost. ba.n. I likc this sourd, this
dog smell her hands, to lich her cheek and brow. 'Ihe
squeak squeak of snolv bcncath my bools. Evcrything fillcrl
woman scratched tcnder rlog cars and bclly, thcn rcached
 84

inside her pocket to tear off some dried squid legs. She ran
swcep thc solt skin of her back. Her yellow parchment skin
her hands along the wall until she found an open rloorway
growing laut, glowing coolly like newborn silkworms. She
and left thc coffee room to the sounds of jaws chewing a
ran her palms from her collarbones over breast"s belly hips
welcome mirlnight snack.
thighs. Laughed aloud in wondcr. Stood tall and straight and
The hallway was huge, like the wer. cavcrn of a whale.
strel,ched on her Loes, flung her hands skyward.
Her eyes adjusted slowly, anrl she could only see varying
She sl.rode dovr.n the dim halllvay, thc lloor shaking
shades of black. courri feer the empty space around her.
bcneath her fcet. 'l'hc buckets on hooks against the walls
Could almost hear Lhe fun6;us hum of mushrooms growing
clattered with each step she took and some f'ell, rolled under
behind closed doors. 'l'he tlensity oI rnoistu-r. clung heavily
her feet to bc squashed like Styroloam cups. Shc breattred in
l.o her clothes. lt was much \yarm0r than hc
house shc hari great draughts and follorvcd thc sccnt ripe with fungal
lived in, and shc unbuttoned hcr heavy coat anrl shruggecl it
ecstasy. She stood beforc a door marked Number g.
off. Unrwappcd her scarves and rlropped thern. .l'ugged her
Stretched out a hand and pushed it inward on noiselcss
sweater ovcr her head and pullcd rjorvn hcr polyestcr morrye
hinges. Ilcard the timeless murmur of mushrooms hush.
with both [humbs, takin6; hcr pantics down with them, antl She had to bend low, tuck her head into hcr chest and enter
stepped out of her wfuter boots, socrrs sr.ilr inside. She
stood, sideways to fit her giant trody Lhrough l"he Irame of the door.
shoulders slightiy stooped, arrns dangling, her pclvis thrust
And firally she stood among Lhcm.
Ibrward in weah post.ure. She lookcd likc an agcri shrimp in
Vast rows upon rows, bcds of peat and darkly, richly
silent conternplation. But f,r the I'irst time in rrecades, wet. And mushrooms. Such mushrooms. 'l'hey gleamed like
moisture I'iltcred into he. body. Moisture rich with peat
newly hatched silk-worrns, likc jellylish and oystcrs. 'l'he
moss and fungal breath. Slowly secping into parchment,
only sounrl thc drip drip of' rnoisturc condensed on thc
osmosis .f skin and hair. 'l'he blanket wet ol'humidity
cciling, plipping into tiny puddles on thc damp cement floor.
enclosing her tiny ligL*e. Her salrow cheerrs shone a rittre
Welcome, u'elcome, into this lvrlrld ol'moist. Shc walkcd
more roundly and the Ioose skin whcre she oncc had
between thc lonp;s rows ol'beds, Lhrough puddles warm as
breasts began t, rise like brcad, like mant(t.ller skin,
so dry, blood and stood nake rl in thc ccntre ol thc roor]. 'l'he flungal
slowly filleri, cell by ccll, Iikc a starving plant, thc silencc as Lhick as the moisturc around her. And shc lay
mushroom moisture filling hcr hollow body. .l.he wet down, sprcad her arms, her lcgs wide and peat water
tinkling int, hcr brittrcness. rllo.ri stirring, r'cstlcss. Liht: soaking, lay down, in puddles warm and glowing. Closed
silk threads, thcy wounrl through her. Old chicken arms her eyes, f'eeling the sceping the sinking into. Slippe d
grew longer, filling with supple strength, her burtocks
deeper, and dccpcr, hcr eycs closcrl, her hands floating on
curving, swelling, r,vith I'lcsh and longing. Shc coukl hear Lhe water. I,'krating towards hcrsr:lf. lfollowed the bones of
her body filling, thc ripplin65 rnurrTtur .f'rnuscles anrl boncs,
her ribs to curving llcsh. She strohed hcr brcasts, thc soft
squcah of hair grorving long and smoolh, krng cnough
to shin ol'hcr nipples, pinchctl g0ntl), thc shin puclierin5; rvitit
 T
85
87

sudden ache. 'fouched her own brcasts as she would if they

We lie on our giantfuton, so big that it coDers compLetely the
were anothcr's. Cupped them in hcr palms and held them
like two hearts. l{er legs stirred in the peary water, the rich fioor of your hedroom. lt is a clecadent pleasure. 'llhere Ls no
.frame beneath us, just lheJuton, and our naked bodies on top.
scent headier than any musk, any perfumc. 'l'he soft. wet
I,l/e moue in our sleep, aLl oDer the erpanse of the floor, then
mud kisses on her cheek, inner arms, the skil beneath her
meet each oth"er in surprise uthen we wake up.
knees. Along her irner thighs. She left brown fingers of peat
You are asleep. You were tired and couldn't stay awahe.
etched on her breasts. IIer hanrls smoothed down, down,
But the stories, true or nol, ore waiting to be Utld. I connot
swell of belly, curving to her pleasure. So{'tly, softly, her
hold them until you are ready to hear them, so I keep on
hands, her fingers, the moisture, hcr ache, peat warm as
saying the usords out lctud ond you nod, your eyelids fiicker in
blood, the moisture seeping into hair, skin, parchment
your sleep, 'l.rusl me.
softening elastic stretch of muscles gleaming a filament of
light. Murmur murmur forming humming earth tipping
under body srvelling growing rcsounrl and thc SI,AM of
breath knocked lrom lurgs, bcyond the painful register of
human sound, I.hc ulheald chrlrus of mushrooms.

[-Ierc's a lrue story.

88 89

Murasaki wife, but now, she wanterl to return to thc wiids whence she
carne.'
Local Elderly Woman Disappears
Search Continues
I found out then, that cvcrybody, includirg me, was always
Late Tuesday night, the immigrant mother-in-law of local looking for a story. 'l'hat the story could bc anything. They
mushroom farmer, Sam Tonkatsu went missing during
blizzardJike snow conditions.
"We're very worried," says Sam's wife. ..We just want
her to come home." uWhat happened to your Obachan?" he askeri, touching my'
t-ocal RCMP and neighboring ranchers are combing the
cor.[rtryside, but weather conditions hinder their search. t hair, my lace, just so.
"Cases like this are difhcutt," says Constable Norton.
"An elderly woman isn't likely to survive a single night
"l don't know," I said. "I won't hnow until shc lcaves
during weather like we've been experiencing." again.'
What is surprising is that most town folk were rmaware "llow can she leave again i[she's already gone?"
that the old woman was even living with the Tonkatsus.
"She can leavc a6;ain wiLh rne ."
Foul play has been ruled out.
tlc didr't say anything. Just touched my hair, my face.
Just so.
"What happened to your grandma?,
uShe
went back to Japan. She got sick of all this snow
Mind you, thc sl"ory can bc anything, but thcrc have to be
and dust and up and left. I don't blame her.,
details. People krve details. 'fhe sl"ranger, thc more exotic,
the bel"ter. "Oooooh," they say. uAaaaaaah.' Nothing like a
"lYhat happened to your grandma?,
freak show to makc you fccl normal, saf'e by comparison.
"She went ape-shit and was raving, frothing at the uTell us about the feet,' they say. ul)id your grandmother
mouth and she ran naked from the house screaming like the
pagan she is.'
have to bind her f'eet when shc was littlc?" Actually, feet
were ncvcr tlound in Japan, but somet)ne keeps on
perpetuating this myth. It always goes back to that. I'he
"\Yhat happened to your grandma?,
uShe binding of the feet. Deformities. Iljtual Ilari Kari. Actually,
started to grow fur aII over her body and at first,
we thought it was a symptom of illness or something like .it's haralilri but go on saying llairy Carrie lbr atl I care. lt's
not about being tritter. You're invitcd somewhcre lo be a
she wasn't eating enough so her body was compensating
guest spoakcr. 'fo givc a kcynotc arldress. Wharever t.haL is.
with fur to keep her warm but we found out she was
llvcrybody in suits and ties and designer drcsses. You'rc the
actually a tanuki who had assumed the form of a woman so
only coloured person there who is not serving lbori. lt's not
she could marry my grandfather because he had set her free
about being bittcr. You just notice. Peoplc talk race this
from a trap and she wanted to thank him by becoming his
ethnic thal.. It's easy to trc thcoretical il'thc words are
90 91

coming from a facc that has little or no pigmentation. If your
name is I'lank and you havc three blond kids, no one will
come up to you in the Safeway produce sect"ion and point at
a vegetable and ask, "What is that?"
I rvas standing in the ethnicChinesericenoodle'l'o[u-
pattiescxotic vegetable section of Safeway. F'ingering,
squeezing stroking Japanese eggplants fbr flrmness, taut
shiny purple skin and no rust spots. I lovc shopping. The
touching ol'vcgetables. Lirgering ol fruirs and tap tapping
my {ingers on watermelon hushs. ,f ust minding my business
and choosin g e6;gplants.
*lVhat is that,
cxactly? I'vc always wondercd.'
I lookcd up from my revcrie and a face pecred dovr.n
me. A kindly facc. An interestcd Iacc.
"h's an cggplant."
*0h really!" Surpriservondcrjoy.
"llow wonderful! This
is what our eggplants look lihe. 'l'hey'rc so different!, She
held up a rountl almost-blach solid cggplant. llittcr skin and
all. She lookcd up at thc hanrjmade signs above the
vcgetables with thc priccs marlicd in dollars pcr pound.
Loo boK r CHoY
7.31/ lb r,hev rcarl ] ro
L,,uJ,\.uu I
\ l.,lzllL l
uWhat
arc they called inyour language?"
I lookcd up at thc signs.
ul don't
speah Chinese," I said.
"Oh. I'm sorrv.'
Sorry for what? I wondercd. r\nd thcre, right above thc
cggplants where all thc othcr handwrittcn signs wcre:
rAPAN ESr- , -
eac rtn N rs
X z.oz I tb-
I took the long and gracelul c6;gplant I still hcld in my hand
and smacked it smartly against the sign.
uHere. Ilere it is,'I said. And turned my back to
examire hahusai leaves. Sucv Choy in Chinese according to
the Safeway produce stall'. Lcave me in peacc. Let a woman
choose her vegetables in peace. Vegetable polititts.
Mom never bought egglllants when she went. shopping. Not
even the hugely round black Canadian kind. Who knows
where they comc from. Shc didn't bus- haltusai rtr shoga or
shiitahe <tr daikon or saktimo or moyashi <tr nira.'l'here was
a vegetable blind spot in hcr chosen menu and Obichan
must have I'elt it sorcly. I only noticed what I was missing
allcr I began to question. Whcn I was in a position to miss
something I never knew I had rnissed. Ilut there was one
thing Mom could lbrgivc and that was a box o1'Jap oranges
for Christrnas. Funny horv Lhcy'rc called Jap orangcs. When
they are technically called Mandarin oranges and Mandarin
isn't even a place but a Chinese languagc. Funny how rvords
and mcaning twist bcyond the dirncnsions ol'logic. Mom
wasn't vcry logical cither. She thought il the church could
buy Christmas oranges, then shc might make this one
allowance and I wouldn't br: contaminated. I couldn't get
enough. Ihunlicrcd bcneath our trvinklc trec and
alternately wol{'ed thertt down or sucked like a Lhirsty man
after crossing a descrt of mashed potato. I ate so nlany at
once that rny skin started changilg colour. I,'unny thing. If
you eat too many Jap orangcs, your skh turns yellow.
I was lying beneath thc atrsurd lights flicker flackcr
and swcet tang of pine sap, an cmpty Mandarin orange box
and green tissue squares all aruund me. Iwas replete. I
looked it up in the dictionary and that's exactly horv I fi:tt. I
 92
93

raised my lLngcrs to my nose and citric sour smell of peel.

I my tender trands in cool watcr. lValked dorvn the hall to
snilrcd again. Ileld my hanrls above my hearr anrr looked at
0bachan's chair. I crawled int"o her lap, even though my
the twinkle lree b.tween my fingers. Ancl I n,r.iced it. Funny,
elbows and knees spillcd every rvhich way, and snuggled my
I thought, my hands look yellow. Maybe it,s the Christmas
head into her skinny neck. 0bachan startcd her soothing
lights. Pulled rny hands up close and stared. No, they were
rcfraln again.
definitely yellow. Turning brigh.er by the minute and
spreading down my anns. I laughcrl out loud.
It's funny how you can si{t your memories, braid them with
"[,ook Mom!" I yelled.,just as excited as the time lhacl
other storics. Come up rvith a single strand and call it truth.
red shit from eatirg too many bccts. ulookit my hands!,
Mom turnr:d lrom the sinh, pushed hcr glasses up her
nose a bit and peercd down on my palms.
0f coursc cvcrything wasn'[ hunhy dory betwccn rny
uoh God," 0bachan and me. lt's casy to be romantic when she has
an irvocaLion as opposerl to a curse. "0h my
been gone for ovcr ten yeitrs and vou livc in a spliL-level
God." She grabberi my vw.ists and clragged mc to the sink.
bungalrlrv in north wcst Calgary. !Vhcn you deliver
"Ouch!" I said, tugging back. "Ouch, rion,t! lt,s only the
newspapcrs in the middlc ol'the night, volunteer for the
oranges. I ate the whole bclx, lhat,s all.,
Committcc Against Ilacism and slccp long and wafln during
She turned the hot warer on {'ull blast. Dumpe d
the brightness of the day. 0l'course thcre was tension
Sunlight on my hancis and starterl scrubbing lvith an S0S
becaust: she livcd with us in Nanton and couldn't keep her
pad.
uow!" I scrcamed. moulh shut. Of coursc thcre rverc timcs when I was acutelv
"l)<ln,l. Moml It,s only the oranges!
embarrassed. 0l' course.
It's only thc orangcs!"
"Ycllow,' shc was muttering, noL even hearing me. uWhat's your grandma
saying?' l)atricia asked, rvhen she
"Yel I ow, sh e's turn irgycllow sh r:'s t urn n gyel torv sh e,s_,
i
steppcd inside our door lbr thc first time. 0bachan was
0bDchan, whosc voice was constant as thc prairic
patting her on thc head like a puppy and chatting away. We
wind, who hadn't stoppcrl muttcring, singing, humming,
had becn assigned out-of-town pals in school for when
yelling for as lon64 as I coukl ever rcmembcr. lvho ncver
blizzards made thc roads too dangcrous to travel. 'fhe pals
stopped voicing hcr vcry cxistcnce. ,l.hat was thc only lime
got to stay over night rn torvn until the weathcr calmed
obachan cvcr stopp.d hcr ref'rain. 'r'hc only limc Lha[ sourd
dorvn enough for them to p;ct home .
stopped pouring {rom hcr mouth. 'r'he surrcren sircnce uUhllmrn," I thought f'rantically. l)atricia rvas
artcr the most
fourteen years of torrcntial words hit Mom over thc hcarl
popular girl in class and I desperately wantcd to be her bcst
Iike a concrcte blocrr. She dr.pped rny hantls and muttered
friend. "Shc says she's reatli,happy to rncct you and she
something about. a headache anrl went upstairs to lie
rlown hopes wc can be good and kind lricnds with cach <lther and
and didn't get up again I,r thrce rlays. l,ikc Christ. I rinserl
uhhmmm, she likr:s your hair lihe that and uh]rhmmmm,
 94
95

maybe we ought to play outside urtiI supper." And it'll get into your clothcs. l'he growing barn is better.
"lJut it's bltzzarrling outsiric,, I)atricia said, smiling.
uUh, yeah. There's morc to see,' I panted. 'l'he wind rvas snatching my
I guess she must be joking. lla ha.,
air away befirre I had time to gulp it.
Mom had left us Oreos for a snack, and wc gulped cold
"All right. Let's go in. l'm I'reezing!'
milk to wash down the coohic rnurl. It was lreezing insirle
Wc tried to open the liltle side door, lhe bottom of iL
the house and Obachan \vas yelling to drorvn out the wind.
raised two f'cct off thc ground, but it was lrozcn shut. We
Hcr chair creaking bencath r.hc ftlrce of hcr voicc. patricia
tooh turns liicking until it burst in and we both tried to
didn't say anything, trut she hcpt toohing at mo when she
squecze through at the sarne l"irne. [,aughing, scrt-'eching,
thought I wouldn't notice. I(ept glancing at 0bAchan who
we tumbled inside and I'ell into a heap. I kicked l"he door
didn't movc from her chair. Wc sat dorvn to watch "The
shul from where we were lyin54, still gig65lin65 uncont"rollably.
Flintstones" but thc howlinS; rvincl, rny noisy Obachan, the *lVhat are you doing, girl'/'
snow snaking around our ankles rnade it all impossible.
uDo you I nearly lell out of rny skin and Pat.ricia gavc a littlc
want to explore thc mushroom larm?, I asked.
gasp. .loe had becn sl"anding thcrc thc rvholc timc, but rve
"Yeah! 'fhat'd bc neat."
hadn't seen him in the dim light.
We bundled up with snow clolhcs, still wet and icy. I
"Nothing," I scowled.
leancd over to givc Obachan a pech on the cheek, and she
"You coming to pick? Your friend too?'
nodded, but didn't stop her voice from challenging the
"No. l'm just showing Patricia the mushroom farm. No
blizzard wind. lvrappcd itchy coltl soarvcs ar.und our heads
one said anything about working. We camc to play here,
so that o.ly our cyes pccped out. And steppecl outside into a
because it's too cold to play outside."
blast oI icr. pclltrts. uOhhh?' Joe said, in his annoyin6; way. "You want to
Wc trudgcd to the rnushroorn farm, Lhc wcsL wind
make boxcs?"
blowing hnives into our bachs, snaking around to fling *No! Wc don't want to rnakc boxcs!" I
daggers from the north. A heavy moisture steam surrourded
vclled, and
grabbed Patricia's hand and wc flcd down thc huge
the two buildfurgs. 'Ihcy werc shrouded with mist that no
cavernous hall, our fect ringing echocs un l"he sheets of
amount of wind could rvhisl( away.
*'fhey look lihc enchanted metal covcring thc drainage ditch.
casLles!, I)atricia vcllerl
above thc slice of wind. . u\4ho was that?' [)atricia rvhispcrcd. We had matle it t<t
uYeah," I yelled the coflec room and therc rvcre cakc durruts lelt over I'rom
back, then muttered bcneath mv
the threc o'clock brcak. We realised l"hal" rve rvere soahilg
breath, uor a penitentiary.,,
uWhat's in wct from rnoisturc and swcat. 'l'he humidil"y insidc hcpt thc
rhis building'/, l)arricia pointcd to the first
warmth right ncxt to our skin, and we couldn't unrlress last
barn.
u'l'hat's just enough. l(icked hcavy moonboots o['['our hcc]s and tore
thc compost building. It stinks in thcre.
snow pants off our legs. l,'lung our scarves from our faces
 96
97

and left our jackets lying whcrc they I'ell.

u'l'hat was "Oh, that's nicc. Nice lo rlcet you. I'm Janc, Joe's wife,'
Joe,, I scoffed, showing off. ulle,s our she said, and held out her mushroom stained hand. Her
manager. BuI hc doesn,L boss me around."
fingers caked with mushroom skin.
We pourcd ourselves collbe and rlumped three lumps
Patricia held out her hand and shook.
ol'sugar and three spoonfuls ol' Coffeernatc into our uPleascd to meet you. I'm
Patricia. I thinli Joe is very
Styrofoam cups. Ate the donuts.
uHe's handsome!" Patricia giggled, and Jane giggled with her,
kinda cut.e!" patricia gi65gled. I was shocked and
turning bright red with pridc and cmbaruassment.
embarrassed at the same tirne.
uJoe?! You'vt: "Ycs, I think so too,'she giggled and yclled out in
got ro be kirlcting? FIc,s likc forty or Vietnamese so cvcryone could hnow. 'l'he women stopped
something. Ilc's a boal pcrson!, Lihc that lvoukl cxplain
picking to laugh and laugh, kars dropping frorn l.heir cycs.
everything.
Patricia laughed with thern and I stood watching {'rom
"l still think hc,s kinda cutc,,, l)atricia saicl, confused at
outside the small circular glow ol'.lane's mushroom-picking
my denial. "You're Japant:sc, llut I still think you,re protty
light.
to0." uNice [riend," Janc
u'['hanks," said, patting my arm. uMaybe you
I
said. Conlused, myscll', for what I clidn,t won't be so klnely now.'
know. *Let's go exploring."
"Yeah,' I said, uyeah, I hope so." I felt so I'unny that I
We left the break rclorn in short sleevetl .f_shirts and
had to do something with my hands. I jusr couldn't play
my mushroom picking runnt:rs I hept at the farm. 0ur
while everyonc worked around mc, so Patricia and I made
tummies sloshing with wcak, swcet coffec. I showcrl patricia
cardboard boxes and stachcd them tcn high until Mom
a room where the mushrt)oms wcre growing. ln the silent
phoned I'rom the house to tcll us to como back for supper.
hum ol'wet darkncss, the mushrooms glowerr rike cave fish. uMahing boxes isn't
uWow,' she whispered. so bad," Patricia yelled above the
t,ikc in church. uWow. I howling ol'the wind. "l,nts bettcr t"han slopping pigs and
thought you grew mushrooms in the fickls or something. 0r
cleaning out their shit. Racc ya!"
inside a greenhouse. Not like this.,
Wc stumbled, plodderl, through dril'ts of snow in our
We stood in the front ol'the room, Iistening to
heavy moonboots. Laughing icy knives ilto our lungs. As we
moisture condense on thc walls, t.hen slowly stream
.came closer to the house, I could smcll a spccial occasion
downward. Palricia mcsmcrized, and I was wontlcrirg why I
ham burning in thc oven.
had never nor-lced .loe's l.orrs befirrc. 'r'here was r.he clang
cling of buckets and the pichers filcd into thc room.
*0h! Murio! I fclt for Mom too, you knorv. [)on't gct me rvrong. You
Arc you pickinS;'?,, ,jane asherj. She was the
couldn't have a bridge partv if you had an immigrant rnother
head picker, and Joe's wiJe.
rvho sat muttcring besidc thc tloor'. Who waitcd lor pcople to
"Nr),' I sighcd. "l'm .iust shorving my 1ricnti thc farm."
enter so she could spit foreign words at them. She rvould
 98
99

stare peoplc in the cyes and ncvor turn away or blink.

It harmonious. Showcrl rnc that rvords talie form 6nd live and
made it impossible for the macaroons to go down the
throat. breathe among us. Language a livfurg beast.
And a prayer meeting would turn into an exorcism if.
I'm not'saying Lhat the only sounrl in our home was the
0bachan started howring back at the wind. So Mom
made sound ol 0bachan's voice. 'l'hcrc werc tirnes whcn wc sat at
her choiccs and she livetj with the consequenocs. She
the dinner tablc, when she wcnt upstairs to gct away from
always talhed ab,ut silvcr springs but she ne ver packed
the smell of boiled beel'. We'd talh then, Mom anrl I, and
obachan's things. A,d she arways washed Obachan,s
hair. sometimes Dad would offcr a word or two. It's just that the
Mom isn't thc wir:kecl mother figurc in the wart I)isney
oast things we talhed about would ncvcr havc thc power to
of good guys and bad guys. lr was anorhcr thing of
linger. "llow was school'?" and, ul)ass the gravy boat," were
parent/child c,nlrict. Add a la3,cr .r' culturar displaccnicnt
sad substitutes for my malnoulished culturc. Ilut how Lo ask
and the traged_v is complc[c.
'l'hat's a lie. One ol'many,
the questions i['you don't have the vocabu]arv to express
I suppose. Monr is a whole l.hem?
dillcrent story anrl one I can,t evcn begin to cornprchend. 'l'herc were words in cxggssivengss wftr:lr tve sat in
Me sitting here ancl Mom sitting t.here and Obachan
out and church. All thosc u'l'hous" and u'l'hces' and umanil'estation,'
about but. hovering arounrl my ears. Obachan away
when now there's a doozie for you! I cven knew when I was little
my words are born so I'm responsibre lbr the things
r utter. that their words were falsely lveighted. 'l'hat god was not a
Iletter Lhan kreing utterless. I learn slowly.
bellower, but light as motes of dust. 'l'hat there wasn't a
definitive god but god-spirits living in cverything I saw
Funny how memrlry is so selcctive. llow inragiration
tags around me. In the wind, the snow, the soft earthly curves of
along and you don,t know rvhcre something blurs
bcyond thc prairics stretching evcr castward. The sound of crickets
truth. II'l said I was telring the truth, wourri anyonc
believe thrumming, thc whistlcs o{'gophers in thc warmish spring
me? Obachan would, of course. .l.he truth of anything
at that and the shriehs o1'rcrltails, swiriing high abovc me. 'l'he
particular moment. \4/ha[ morc coultl you ask lbr?
gods would never linger in pews stinking with sellish guilt.
I was always hungry for words, evcn when I was very
With all those wads o[gum.
little. Dad, Lhe man witirout an opinion, and Mom hirling
When l)astor l,ysol was appointcd [o Mom's church, he
behind an arlopted language. It was no wonder I was
confused, language a strange companion. I never
so .broughl" rvith him a wholc new agen(la.'l'hcre was a
knew Womcn's Ilealth Lcague, what would he know about it? Men
what I sh,uld do. If I shoukl tic it up then ignore
it, ,r if I in thc eightics, no shit, unlbrtunatcly. Seniors f11y Saving iurd
should mould and shape. Manipulare language lihe
what I called Spill Yer Guts, my pcrsonal favourile. Altcr the
every,ne elsc around me. I never uncrerstood the
wo.crs shc very young were sent downstairs to play with felt, Pastor
said, but I watchcrl and learncd. And t begin
my undcr_ l,ysol would call on anyono to share.
standing now. Obachan tooh anothcr routc, somcl.hing
more "U'during the past weck, you havc li:lt thc hand ol'God
 100
touch your livcs, please sharc witir us, your family together
in christ. c,me, there is n. necd to fecl sclf-conscirus. your
pain is our pain. Your joys, our joys. lf thcre is anything you
would lihe to say. Nothin6; is so shamcful that God will not
Ibrgive. lf you have sinnerj, come, confront your sin and, we,
your brothers and sisters in the L,rd, will sharc with vou all
our love. Come frtrward. Ilave no lcar.,
He held his palms outward, in thc posture a lot of
people paint,ktsus in. Spohe wirh a 6;entle voice, like a lamb
with honev in it's mouth. And cvcryonc waited. .l'hat
ncrvous sour anticipatory sLink 0f' people lvaiting t0 hear o1'
sin. Degradation. Vicarious l"hrill ol'ooooh anrJ aaaaah.
Bvcryone shilted anxiously in their seats, turning around,
glancc herc and there to sec who woultl sternrl up. Spili their
guts. It always madc mr: fcel quiggty in m.v stomaoh. I"lorv
adults got Lheir thrills in such strange and unnatural wa.ys.
Ilut. it did,'t stop me lrom turning rny head arounrl, waiting
to see who woukl talk.
4l-n
All the hcads swung arountj Lo Lhe lef't, thc lar back ol'
thc room. It was Pastor Lysol,s rvif'e! 'fhere was a mu_rmur
murrnur then a sudden stillness.
"I-I=-"
Everyone crancd their heads, willing hcr to continuc.
"Yes,' Pastor l,ysol said kindly, like he thought ,lesus
would have. uYes, don'[ be alraid.,
"l have c-commiteri s-sins ol'the flesh!, shc gasped. An
intake ol'breath by the whole congregation sucked all the
oxygen Irom the room and everyone st.artetl ttt pant softly. "l
have felt the Dcvil tempting me. IIc c-comes to m-mc when
I am at my wealiest and-and-,
"Have no I'ear. We are not here to judge, but to lead vou
101
in lhe ways of lhe Lord. Wc arc your family and our love
knows no boundaries. Speah, woman, and find peace with
the Lord," thc pastor said kindly, like he was talking to a
strangcr and not his wife.
"The Devil makes mc touch myselll" she spat out like a
chunk o[ canccr. Cood lord! I thought. Good lord! She
doesn't need Lhe church. Shc nccds to listcn to l]octor llutLr.
Sex therapist extraord inairc and make sure you use a
condom. Good lord!
"The I)evil makes mc f'ccl so good, I can't stop. IIe
whispcrs in my ear, 'll'it I'eels 6;ood, it can't bc a sin, can it'?
Co on, il's okay. Just do it.'And I do! I do!'she wept.
l.)veryonc clucked their tongLres in pity but somc women
were squirming in their seats with I don't hnow what. A few
peoplc startcd to clap, but it pctercd out as it became
apparent that it wasn't quitc l.hc right Limc {'or it.'l'he
pastor's wife's sobs quieting down and shc started
hiccuping, wiping mucous [i'om hcr nosc.
"Oh Lord!" cricd out I)astor Lysol. u0h l,ord, hear the
words ol"l'hine weak children! Have pit5' on [hcsc, 'fhy
children o[ flesh, so susccptible to the call ol their flesh. Our
puny existcncc so moilcd with transgressions lve cannot
hear thc higher calling. l,brgive thc weakncss of women. So
little thcy have changed sincc the Iall of'F]vc into carthly Sin.
We can only l"urn to'l'hinc cternal love and beg for
forgivencss. l,ord Fathcr, plcase forgive that woman, and
give her the strength to reach l"he purity o[ thought only
founrl through T'hine words. \'Vc be g of You. In Jcsus' name.
A-mcn.'
'l'he pastor's wil'e glowed with the prayer she had
earned and everyone apprcciatively licked their lips. Alter
the service was over, lhc lcadcrs {rorn thc Wornen's Hcalth
102
League circled around the pastor,s wil'e antl congratulated
her on her courage. There was a lot of talk rluring the
fellowship potluck that day. People sroocl arourcl wirh their
plates of raisin-turds-and-carrot-shavings cncaserl in lime
Jell-0 dessert. 'l'hey wavcd the ir plastic Ibrks around and
argued over how many points the pastor,s wil'e should
receive for her performance.
At least Mom ncver joined that spcctacle. I can thank
the gods, not Grcek, Ibr that.
1'here are a lot o{'sarl immigrant stories. fIere,s
another onc.
The Herald Funny True Stories Contest
Second Prize Winner, Miss.lanet Duncan
I'm an elemcntary teacher in south west Calgary. There are many
children from different cultures in my class and I find mysclf
leamrng so much from them. it's a plcasurc to tcach and leam
together.
This spnng, there was a lovely ncw boy who had
immigrated from Japan, wirh his family. His farher was
transferred to work in rhe Calgary oflice of Sanyo. Little Kenji,
Ken, we call him, was quite shy, but he was rcally clevcr in
mathematics. He leamcd very quickly, and his English skills were
gcttmg hettcr and he ttrr all the timc.
We1l, we have show and
tell at the beginning of each
class, and Ken had declincd from paniciparing for scveral weeks.
Then one day, he said he would like bnng somerhing to share
with his friends.
Well, I wasso pleased! I couldn't wait to see what kind of
treasure he would show us. I was thinking perhaps a lovely fan or
a silk kimono or something. I just couldn't wait.
Well, the ncxt day arrives, and the bcll has already rung
and Ken is late. But I know he must be comrng so I don't start the
class, even though it is already 9:15. I finally hear Ken ar the
door, but there is an awful odour cven before I have opened it.
My eyes begin to water. Ken bunts opcn the door and thc rcek
rolls in like a tidal wavel All the children scream "Ooooooh!"
and scramble to the back of the class.
Ken had brought a live skunk into the schml!
"Cat. My new car." Ken was gulping. He must have been
sprayed so badly that he couldn't smeil any more. The full grown
skunk was curled around his neck in fear of all thc noise and his
tail was sticking straight up and down. We werc absoiutely
paralyzed and Ken didn't know what the commotion was ail
about. and one enterpnsrng young girl pulled the fire alarm. The
children ran, screaming, outsrde and thc whole school filed out.
Ken came out with his skunk and the fire-men took it away rn a
net. My whole classroom had to be washed down with tomato
juice.
When I got home that day, I wrote a letler Lo the
immigration office to suggest they offer wildlife idenrificarion
cou$es as well as the English lessons.
Ba dum tsum
Sure I have some white l'riends. Some of mv bcst frienrls are
white.
Ba dum Bum
"l must be a mushroom
Everyone keeps me in the darh
And I'eeds me horseshit"
Hyuck Hyuck. My boyfriend in junior high school bought
that T-shirt for mc on our three-week anniversary. AII shiny
decals, the slippery plastic kind that you sweat under when
you are in direct sunlight. llc was a cowboy. Still is, I
suppose, heard he's a foreman out at \4rhiskey Coulee llanch
t and riding bulls in the summer. Funny how you can spend a
whole summer mahing out \yi[h someone and never really
know or like him. All you remember is the very first time
 104
you ever I'elt the skin of a penis beneath your fingers. l.hat
particular odour.
Flaving to work all summer at the larm. At ]east it was
cool inside. At least it was moist. I loved the prairie wind,
but the scuttle dry heat of grasshopper wings, brirtle as the
days were long, wasn't a heat I loved. Even on my days off,
when I knew it was my duty t"o lie in the sun and brorvn,
slick with coconut-smelling oils, I didn't last. Julie anrl
Patricia lying outside for hours on end, cucumbers on their
eyes. They evcnly toasted their pale bodies inro a glowing
red. I hated it. IIow the sun glared off the pages in my trooks
so bright I got a headachc, and thc stink ol'coconut..
Leaving greasy I'ingerprints on my precious books anrl
having to go through the orrleal ol'sitting up ever.y five
minutes to peel back a strap, tug the cup of my bikini to see
if the skin benearh was lighrer. t{aving ro wait for rhe
crunch of gravel in the alley, <lf'the boys walking by and
seeing us in our splotchy splendour.. I woukl sit bcneath the
crab apple tree, hugging its shrinhing sharlows. So busy
reading, I would miss any boys that bothererl to walk by.
I wasn't the only kid working at Dad,s farm. At least not
during the summer. ln the surnmcr, students would come by
looking for a job and I wouldn't have to be the only kid
working with all the adult regulars. Then, there,d be a
couple of boys doing odd jobs. Maybe even get to learn how
to drive thc forklift if they werc handy enough. A few girls
would come out to pick mushrooms for some surnmer
spending money, but they never lasted. The monotony, the
dark, the tediously long hours. T'he strange tricliling sound
of vietnamesc conversar.ion. so fbreign antl harsh to thcir
ears, they couldn't bear to sLay. All the regular pickers
placed bets on how soon they would leave. .Ihe world
record was two hours. 'l'hey laughed. I.-unny how I picked
with them for so many years, but I never learned a single
word. I would just turn my cars inward and pluck at my ovvn
thoughts. 0r think of nothing ar all.
I was picking mushrooms al. my own particular pace,
flicking my knife to slice off the srems and plunk
plunkplunk plunk of mushrooms dropping into my
buckets. I almost droppcd my knile and fell offthe bed I was
perched on when a suddcn hand grabbed my ankle. I
shriehed. 'l'he boys snickered.
"What do you want?! It's not three! You guys are
supposed to be getting peat moss ready.'
uDon'l get your tit
in a kno[," l]ob said, and snickered
again.
uYeah, keep your pants
on,' laughed Josh. uWc just
came to show you something."
u\4{hat?
It bettcr not be one of those tlead pigeons." I
hopped down from the third bcds I was standing on and
hunhered down with the boys. Josh held somcthing in his
hands, and at first it was too dark to figure out. I brought my
light down. It was a salamander. I'd never seen one live
beforc, never up closc. All black and damp and moistly
supple, the skin shiny tender ol'things that Iive in wet. I held
out my hands.
ulet me hold it,' my voice filled with
wonder.
"Ahhh," Bob said, uarcn't you cven scared of it?"
uwhy?'
uYou're no I'un
aI all," ,losh complained. "Conle on, let,s
go scare Joe."
"No!"
ut'uck oll, Murry-O.
We can do whatever we want.,
"No. Give me that salamanrit:r."
106

They were surprised, and I was serious. llob and Josh "'l'here are salamanders in Japan t{)o," you say, on the far
just shrugged their shoulders, embarrassed. ,losh danglcd corner oJ thefuton. You are lying on your back with your two
the salamander by thc tail and dropped it on my legs V-ing upwards against the corner walls.
outs[retched palm. I lie in the middle, on my helly. Flicking lint balls with
uAll right, all right!'
they said. uRelax already. Have the myJore.finger.
stupid thing," and backed out of the room, muttering ny'l/e
can go out, you knou. l(e can do sornething eLse.
uWomen!'
under their breaths. This isn't a trap or anythirtg," you, say. "You can stop any
"Where did you fixd it"?" I yellcd, as they left. time you ruanL'
"ln a bag of peat moss." "No,' I Jlip around so l'm not driuen to.fliclt lint balls.
I peercd down at thc salamander cupped in the palm ol' Stare upward at the long strund o! dusty cobweb fioating
my hands. Ilow could it have been in the peat moss when supplely Jrom the ceiLing, "l can't stop any time I u)ant. But
the peat moss came from wcst ol'lldmonton? How woutd it you can stop listening.'
get there in the first place? I'd never secn a salamander You sigh. Swing your feet dorun from the wall and roll
before, despite all my summers o[tadpoles, Iiugs, and garter into the middle of our futon. We cuddle together, our arms
snakes. Gophers antl crunchy black crickets too. Where did protecting each othen l,Ve huddLe like thieues, Lih;e beggars. I(e
the creature come from? Displaced amphibian.'fhe huddle like louer.s.
salamander turned its head slowly, this way and that, the "No," you say, "l can't stop li^stening either."
light mo close, too bright ltrr it to see. I lifted my forelinger
and gently, gently, touched its back. Stroked. 'l'he
salamander was solt. I had thought it was slimy, with its
moistly gleaming skin. llut it wasn't. It lvas as soft as the
skin on a penis.
uVllhat
are you doing, girl?' ,loc asked.
I didn't even hear him comc in. I .just slowly raised my
hands so he could see what I cupped in rny palms so
preciously. He tipped my hands just a littlc, so r.he light from
my lamp shone more directly, on the glowing salamander.
uMmmm," he
said. uFirst tirne I sce this in Canaria."
"Me too.'
ult's very far
from home, huh."
uYeah,'
I nodded, something dawning. uyeah, I guess it
is."
 109
'108

foot in front of the other. 'l'hought nothing of where, but

Naoe
turned outward her momentum to keep her surface warrn.
Steam rose lrom her body and billowcd in a cloud around
Wind toss sting slash of snow, too soft a word {br something
her. A pick-up [ruck caught her haunting figure in the glare
this cold, this sharp. But l'm warm up in my belly with three
of its high beams arld brakerl slowly, slowly, red tail lights
cans of beer and salt lick taste thc corners ol'my mouth.
blinking, on the slich surlace of the highway. It finally came
Ahhh, nothing like seaweed paste to make a body thirsty! I
to stop lifty yards ahead of her, and she jogged forward at
could sit here awhilc, chasc snow pellets with my eyes, but
the same time the truck started backing up. When she
Chikisho! I've sat too lclng. l,ong enough already! And who
reached the cab of the truck, the door swung outward in a
will see me in this ditch'? A ride won't be ollered if l'm not
sweet scent of tobacco and horse swcat.
seen and which way should I choose to go? I could be going
inside out for all I hnoq nonc o{'this natural instinct lbr
direction. Kehk1, keltho!At least my furoshiltl is lighter now,
I have that to thank. My life would be complete il I could
"Git'in, miss!"
smoke a cigarette . 'Iwenty years between cigarettes is a little
Miss, no lcss!,4r4 ma ha! ha! ha!
long. No mattcr! ['ll walk and rvalk and the wind will
"Musta froze right thru ycr sensc, walkin' 'bout on a
serenade mc. l'll walk and sing and Iaugh and shout. I'll
night like this. Worryil'yer lblks 'n such. 'l"aint my bizness,
scrape my hccl into thc blach ice on the highway and
jist say so."
inscritle my name across t.his country.
Mattaku! Ibnnani akarui hito to au no wa hisashiburi
da ne!
"Froze thru ta yer tongue I reckon. No need ta talk I
'[he woman trudged through the sting of ice crystals, ain't no stranger ta silence, iist feclir' a bit chatty, bin drivin'
nonstop fer a good stretch 'n need ta loosen my tongue a
leaning lbrward into the slice of the wind. l{er hands were
whiles not that I'm ulwez this way but I figgcr y'all walkin'
clasped behind her back and she walked with the slow
by yerself might need ta be hearin' a fricndly voice. Sher,
steady pace ol'someone who plans to lvalk {br a lon6 time.
everybudy gits caught up with loneliness 'n everybudy's got
Now and again, a semitrailer roared by in a swirl ol'dust and
'some sad tale hangin' 'roun ther sleeves but I I'igger ther's
snow, bu{Ieting her slender body. 'l'hey either did not. see
ulwez a loada sadness but that ulwez mahes ya feel ixtra
her or chose not to. Ilut she walhed on, the snow squeahing
special when somethin' good comes by yer way 'n I guess I
beneaLh her bools, Lhc wind hrxvling about hcr cars. Beer,
could offer ya smoke or sorncthin', ya born il Japan?'
warm in her belly.'l'he distance she travelled was
"Yes and yes."
meaningless in the vortex ol icc and sound. She only set one
 110
ya had the looka .lapanese, ,n knew yer lookin,
"l figger
fer a butt, soon as ya got in the cab snufiin, up the smoke,
here, have one.'
I can't believe my eyes! He tosses a squished almost flat
package of Mild Sevens! Do yu koto d,aro? I never believed
in fate, so why should he present himself now, I wonder.
And I am intrigued.
uWere you
in Japan quite recently?" I ask.
uYrp.'
"Was it nice?' lhowing that he iust came from there
made my heart twist lvith something I coulrln,t name. uI
suppose your eyes would scc it. so dill'erently. My Japanese
eyes are at the back of my head, and thcy can only see
backwards. My.lapanesc eyes are lwenty years dimmcd ancl
I'm no fool. Who was thar silly girl? Always clicking her
heels, click clich click, and wringing hcr hands so. Everyone
knows that home is long gone anrl wishing won,t make it
otherwise. I was home only until I was llve years old. l,ve
been gone ever sirce. Ilu[ tetl me what you saw with your
eyes. I am not so realistic that I can,t listen with an eager
ear.'
"I dunno what I kin tcll ya. I spint most my time
roamin' the countryside, stayin' n ryokans,n minshuhus.
People're kind in the country, not so hustle ,n bustle like
Tokyo or Osaka. Little kids in thcr school uniforms ,n little
yellow packsacks would follow me ,roun ,n giggle and call
me 'Gaijin! Gaijin!'but not in any sorla mean lvay, but kinda
like ther jokin' 'n real happy ,n I didn,t mind atall. Bur I rqrz
ther thru the summer as well, ,n rlirl poorly in the heat.
T'aint the heat that giLs ta ya, mind ya, but that humidity all
pourin' dr;wn my back 'n face 'n my face turnin, all red. My
face wuz all red all summer 'n on accounta mv retl lace ,n
111
my big nose, weII those kids're startin' ta call me'Tengu!
Tengu!' Tooka good look in the minor when I got home 'n
sher enuff, I'm the spittin'image of the tengul saw the uther
night on the Mukashi-banashi program fer kids 'n I Iaughed
out loud.'
"Ara ma ha! ha! Pitmri janai nol That's what I will call
you too. Even though you are not so red in the face, but it
suits you perfectly, Mr. Tengu.'
"Please, no need fer fermalities! Jist call me Tengu.'
uDo you speak some Japanese? Are you, perhaps,
a
scholar?'
uSher enuff. I reckon ya've
a bit a sight if ya kin figger
that out by jist lookin' at me 'n talkin'. Sher, I speak a bit
Japanese, sukdshi dahe, ya know. I wasn't in Japan fer
strickly pleasure, tho my studies're a pleasure in thimselves,
but that's anuther matter ultogether.'
"Tell me of your studies. I wanted to be a scholar once,
but I decided to be an old woman when I grew up. You can
channel your life in several directions, but I wanted to focus
on one thing only. And do it very well. I'm the best old
woman you're going to find for many years to come!'
"Yer aint kiddin'! Yer so good at being an old woman,
never even noticed it. Not many people kin do that, I reckon.
I ain't so focussed as all that'n bin dabblin' my fingers in a
coupla pies."
"Well?'
"Well, whut?"
"Whut-What were you studying with so much
pleasure in Japan?'
uOh, I wuz
doin' a comparitiv study on the origins 'n
developminta Japanes e enka'n if ther any parallels with the
developminta country'n western in North America."
 112
"Ehhhh. I never would have thought to make that
connection. That's an interesting notion.,
uThank ya
kindly. 'N whur did ya have in that ther sack
anyways?'
"Beer?"
uSher, don't
mind if I do. By the ways, whut wer ya
wantin' me ta call ya'!"
uMmmmrn.
So da ne. Call me Purple."
"Purple, huh? Wetl it suits a funny litrle rhing like ya,
no disrespect intended ya kin havc anuthcr srnokc if ya
want."
"Yes, thank you. They taste so natsukashii, alter twenty
dry years of prairie dust.'
uI reckon
anythin,d LasLe natsukashii after twenty
years. Jist help yerself to my smokes, all ya want, I don,t
mind atall.'
uYou're good
a person, 'l'engu. And it,s nice to meet you
after all this time. I{anpai!"
"Kanpai!" Tengu says, anri clangs his beer can against
mine. We drink and it warms our bellies. Tengu,s face
begins to turn a lovcly shade ol'rcd.
"Yer welcome ta stay on as long as ya likc. I don,t
reckon I've ever picked up an interestin, hitch_hiher as ya,
not thal yer ixackly hitchin, but I wouldn,t mind ya stayin,
on. Gits a mite borin, drivin, by yersell'in thc snow, rlon,t
know'bout walkin'. Can .ya drive a stick?"
"Sher.'
"l think this is gonna be fun! ya know?,
"Thank you, 1'engu. I like you very much and I,rn vcry
much ready lbr fun. Do you want some rlried squitl?"
uSher!'
113
The chew champ craw of'dried salted squid and good
company to share it with. I'm content. '['here was a time
when a body couldn't dare hitch a ride with a stranger
wearing a battered straw cowboy hat all bent and finger-
creased. Maybe a hundred years ago. Maybe tomorrow. But
today, today it is fine. Listen, listen, how the snow scrapes
across the windshield, the surface of'the truck. Fubulti, I
guess. So dense, so thick we leave eddies behind and
solitary trucks that pass belbre, why, the headlights scatter
across lacets of snow and rellect the brightness skyward.
Imagine! I've been picked up by a 'l'engu who smokes Mild
Seven cigarettes and is a cowboy rnusic scholar! Yes, today is
fine, indecd. So nice to feel light in soul, in mind and
nothing to mar my pleasure. IIavhg the spacc to choose my
own companions. I can't think o[ a liner place to be than
inside the warm and smoky cab of a pick-up truck. I.lorse
sweet smell of sweat and hay. l)rinking beer with a new-
Ibund friend. Funny how it takes twenty long years to take
one step outside, then, you manage to tahe more steps than
you ever have in your life. 'l'hat all you have to do is move
your body from one placc to another and evcrything around
you changes so much, you have Lo grow new cyos, new ears.
To see and hear. You have to grow a new mouth. ['m not too
old to change. I leave Murasaki behind, bur she must shape
her own location. And our storics entwine and loop arould
and this will never chan6;c. She lingers here, with me, even
now.
(Naoe: Murasaki?
Murasaki: Yes, 0bachan ?
114
Naoe: I just wanted to hear your thoughts.
Murasaki: Nice. ObAchan, are you fine?
Naoe: Ycs, Murasaki. 'l'hcrc is beer in my belly and
good conversation lingers in my ears. I have met a thing."
friend and my toes are warm.
Murasaki: I'm glad, 0bachan.
Naoe:'l'hank you.)
uYer quite the one I'cr rnuttcrin'to yersell'tho
I sher
shouldn't talk, when I bin drivin' on my own f'er a whiles, I
kin really chat up a storm with no onc but myself, but yer
talkin' ta someone else completely weren't ya?'
uYes,
I talk with my mago, my granddaughter. 'l'hough
'talk'might not bc rhe way to describe what we do. We share
with each other, cven whcn our bodies are far apart."
"Ya some kinda psychic or tclepath or I dunn<1, one a
those or ya jist hinda talkin' metuphorickly?'
"Maybe a little ol'cverything?'
"Sher. Sher. There'd be alot morc stranger things in
this world'n that'n I kinda wish I could do that too, wouldn't
mind chattin' with my ma now 'n then but. if it goes both
ways, I s'ppose she'd start pcerin' into my head more'n I
liked, that's jist the type of gal she is, more power to her, but
I s'ppose I like ta keep my thoughts to myself 'til I bother ta
spill'em outta my mouth, ya know?'
"Yes, I do lmow. I know exactly what you mean.'
'l think l'rn gittin' a tad sleepy, not 'cause of present
company, jisI bin drivin' {br a good solid stretch 'n that beer
115
right tuckered me out. Don't mind me yawnin''cause it ain't
'cause yer boril'me."
uDon't worry about me, Tengu. I'm fine. I think I'm
finer than I've ever been in my lil'e. Why don't I tell you a
story to keep you awake. '['hat is, if you like that sort of
ul'd love it,'he says, and his smile is bcautiful.
Muhashi, mukashi, omuhashi. ..
Deep, deep in the mountain lbrest, there lived a yamanba
who lived by herself in a small house of her own making.
Being a mountain wornan, she was vcry very strong and had
thick arms and legs lilre thc root of rhe daikon She lived
quietly, tending her small garden where she planted
burdock and, satointo during the day, and at night, she
lingered by the f-rre in Lhe irori, sipping Irom a jog ot' sake
and reading from her books. She did not carc for the
company of humans, bccausc they werc small and bother-
some. She just watched thc birds in Lhc Lrecs and picked
mushrooms in the forest. IIer lifc with hcrsclf was complete
and she felt little need cver to changc it.
0ne day, thc yamanDrz strayed farther from her
mountain home than she usually cared Lo travel. Trees
swayed as shc passcd, hcr I'cct shooh t"hc ground beneath
her. But despite her giant size, she walked carelully. Careful
not to tred on Lhe things smaller than hersetf. 'l'he giant
woman was looking for somcone to talk to. Endless seasons
had passed since she had lcft her moultair home, and the
books she read were starting [o crumble Lo rlust. 'l'hcre was
change in the air, she had smcllcd it lor quite some time,
but had chosen not Lo hccd it.
 't 15
As she camc down the mountail, she saw tlat tle
were sickly. That there wasn't a hum of insect chatter, and
the brooks were sluggish and chokeri. 'fhe stench in her
nose brought bile to her throat, and she blinked back the
salt in her cyes. \4/herever she looked, there was only the
silence of dead and dying things. 'l'he earth was too beaten
to weep. The yamanba saw something churn at her feet,
and she crouched low and peered closely. It was a maggot.
"Little Maggot, tell me what. has happened to the
land?'
"Elder Sister, you are late. Late to come down from
your mountain."
uWhere are the grcen
thin65s, the wa[er and the
breeze?"
"They are gone away, away. I don,t know why. My
brothers and sisters arc eating their. bones. lVhen there is
nothing more to eat, we wiltgo away too.,
uTell me, Little
Maggot, rvhere are my sisters? \4rhere
have lhe other mountain women gone to so that I may join
them?'
(We
ate their boncs yesterday. We ate them yestcrday.
And we will eat you tomorrow. 'l'hat is the way o['maggots.,
"Yes, thal is the way of maggots, but it is not lor me ro
be eaten tomorrow. Little Friend, eat a little lcss today, so
you do not eat me tomorrow.'
"\4/hy do you want to stay when your sisters have gone
away? You will be lonely with no words to hear, no ears to
speak your sounds to."
uI am a yamanba
and I am strong. I urill speak my
words aloud and shape the earth again. If you choose to
listen, I will tcll you stories."
uWhaL
have you to say [ha[ we woukj carc Lo hear? We
'117
trees churn in the bones of the dead. \{hat have we to do with
Iiving things?'
uAre you not one of thc living as well?" Lhe yamanba
asked softly.
*Yes,' the maggot said, after some thought. "l guess we
are.'
ull'you eat of' the dead, the conclusion of the cycle is
your death. That is all that rcmains.'
uThe marrow we eat is dry and bitter, but we do not
wish to die. Yet.'
uThen come,' Lhe yamanba beckoned. She lay upon
the silent ground and tilted back her head. Opened wide her
great mouth, and the maggots churned in the soil around
her. They squirmed and squiggled on to her body, covering
her in their glowing whiteness. An undulating blanket. They
trickled and streamed into her mouth, down, down her
throat. Antl more and more and so many more, they moiled
out of the dying earth. 'l'hc rnaggots liled on and on, so
many that she couldn't possibly hold them all, but still she
leL them enter. When the last one flipped over the edge of
her lip, she hcavcd a grcat'sigh and ckrsed hcr mouth.
Swallowed. She heard the whispering clamour ol millions of
tiny voices shouting from her bclly.
"Hurry! Ilurry! There is no room inside here. We are
tender and the walls ol'your stomach scrapc us so. We want
to leave! Please, h*ry, hurry," Lhe maggots cried, wriggling
' in their discomfort. The yamanla rose to her feet, tottering
a little with the added wcight. Stood tall upon the earth. Her
feet plantcd like stonc, she swung her great breasts out o[
her samui and clenchcd two fisls around lhem. She milked
her breasts with great white spurts and a stcady stream of
maggots squirt.ed from hcr nipples. When the maggots
118
touched the earth, they squirmed, swelled, Ilipped about at
her feet. Their bodies grew longer and taller and limbs
began to form. Fingers, hands, calves and feet. Some were
tall and slender while others stayed plump and soft. They
grew and clamoured around her. In wonder, they called her
mother. lVhen the yamanba squeezed the last maggots from
her breasts, there were millions of soft-skinned people
around her.
"You are weak, but soon your skin will bake to lovely
shades of brown and the sun will not bother you so. Some
will never brorvn like your hardy companions, so you must
take carc each other. llemcmber vou were maggots. If you
do not take care, you will fall back into thc habir of eating
the dead."
The yamanba was weary, but she had to care for her
maggot children. She turned to thc stream that flowed with
sluggish thickness, and hunkered dor.r,n bcside it. She knelt,
and dipped her lace to the sickly stench and pursed her
giant lips. She sucked the water back and back, sucked with
great strength. 'l'he dirty rvatcr f illcd hcr rnouth but she
swallowed on and on. She sucked thc strcam dry. V\rhcn she
was finished, she moved slowly, the water jostling inside her
from side to side, and straddled the dry riverbed with both
feet. She squattcd, with a grunt and let loose. ,Iaaaaaaa.
Jaaaaaaaaaaaaa. 'l'he water rushcd I'rom her body,
laaaaaaaaa in a steady stream betwcen her muscular thighs.
But the water was no longer sickly, it was crystal clear. The
water flowed, swect and purc betwccn hcr legs. The maggot
people were soothed by the sound of the sparkling liquid.
Dipped their fingers in thc stream.
"lt's goorl! 'fhe water is swcet!" thcy cried and splashetl
about in the stream in joy. Whcn droplets ol'water lell on
119
the earth, flowers and trees and delicate mushrooms burst
from the ground in great prolusion. The growth of green
and tender things spread outward in a circle' Soon, the earth
was fresh again, and the water flowed like music' The
yamanba smiled as the maggot children danced with their
new bodies around her' It began to rain'
uThat was a lovely story,' he says, tugging the brim of his
finger-smud ged cowboY hat.
uThank
You''
"l don't supposc you'll tell me what happencd to the
maggot chilclren and the yamanba, huh?"
uAh, but that's another
tale.'
ul thought you'd say that,' he sighs in exaggerated
sadness.
"Ara?"
"What's the matter?" he asks, ierks his head up to
glance quicl,ly al. my face. tlis lbot instinctively lifts from the
accelerator.
u\4rhat happened to your accent?' I am amazed' And
confused.
"What accent?" he says, his brow puckered up'
uYour cowboy western drawl accent''
*I never hacl an accent. At least not onc I noticed,' he
grins.
"Dhhhhhhh."
"What's wrong?" 'l'engu asks, smiling crinkles into the
corners o[ his eYcs.
uI feel so strangely. F[cre I was, listening to you with an
accent in my ears, only thcre might not havc becn one on
your lips. And it makes me wonder what else we filter
through our ears. And how oan anyone be sure if what they
 121
120

with delight. Obichan, I tasted for you.

hear is whaL is said?" If I think about it too long, my head
"You're not holding your chopsticks quite properly," he
will burst, I'm certain!
uYou shouldn't be so fussy,' Tengu says, tugging the said.

rim of his hat. uBesides, it doesn't matter now, because it's "I know. I don't hold my pen properly either. But I can
stiil \Mrite. And I can still eat." I dipped some squid into my
in your head already. 'l'hat's as real as it's going to get."
uYes, you tiny dish of shayu and wasabi, turned it over once to cover it
could be right. Do you have any more Mild
completely. Lifted the piece up to my mouth. My hashi
Sevens?'
uI got a whole carton in that bag, there at your feet," wobbled slightly and I dribbled sauce down my chin, but the
squid was in my mouth and it was oh so sweet. I was wiping
Tengu nods.
uWell, that shows that I'm noL making everyt.hing up. the sauce off my chin with my fingers when he grabbed my
hand. Licked them. He licked my fingers and slid tongue
Some of it must be true."
palm, nipped the heel with sharp prickle suck oh! oh!
swirled circles with tongu€, nY palm, his teeth. Skin licked
smooth and scrape, scraped edge of teeftt, edge of skin, oh!
Murasaki
Buttons. The exquisite infinite pleasure of buttons, slow
twist of button out of button hole and swirled fingers dipped
[Ie cooked fbr me with casual grace and I just sat at the
and stroked and whispered on heated skin on moist moist.
table with an icy bottle of cheap sahe,my clumsy feet on the
The flat of palms stid. Slid down the slick heat of my breasts,
chair beside me. I was contenL. It wasn't that I didn't like to
my belly.I ran my fingers down the front of his shirt, buttons
cook, only that it was such a pleasure to watch someone
popping open, tugged his pants, no time to linger, oh hurry
who did it so graccfully. I am I'rom the school of cooks who
go red in the face and leave debris all around me. I do, of
hurry, kicked off my jeans, laughing, tumbling to the floor.
He rolled with me on the floor, rolling, him on top then me
course, Iike to eat. And he fed me well. lle pared radishes
then him. Rolling until there is no top or bottom, only a
wittr a deft hand, rwirled the bladc of his slice sharp knife
dizzy spiral of pleasure. The table, the chairs, the susfti, all
and a carrot turned into a rose. I quietly applauded his
spinning in the air above us.
magic act. With delicatc ease, he slivered pickled ginger
into paper-thin slices and gently tcased the rich-fleshed
tuna to part from knobby bone. SIid knife through squid so
It was hard growing up in a small prairie town, the only
Japanese-Canadians for miles around. Where everybody
thin'so [ine, the meat shone pcarl opaquc. I ate. Fresh
thought Japair was the place they saw when they watched
seaweed so green it squeaked between my molars, ruby
slices of tuna and gleam of fresh squid so sweet so chervy
"Sh0gun" on TY. 0bdchan laughed when she saw it. I
thought it was a good story.
and hot! green mustard tingle tingled up my nose and to my
head, quick, tluick, sipped some icy sake, my face burned
122
We were parked at S-coulee, drinking lemon gin. I had
opened his clumsily wrapped present and now his hands
were inside my blouse and mine around his neck. He
smelled like Dial soap.
uDo you like the T-shirt?'Hank asked.
"Yes, thank you. I'm sorry, I didn't get you a present for
our three week anniversary.'
"You could give me something now.'
"0h Hank. I already told you, I don't want to go all the
way yet."
"We don't have to. Aren't there special things you can
do without going all the way?" he asked, looking at me with
half-closed eyes.
"lYhat do you mean, special things?'
ulike
"You know,' he said, squirming in his trousers.
Oriental sex.'
uWhat's 0riental sex?' This was a llrst.
"I don't know. Iou should know. You're 0riental
aren'tchya?" He was getting grouchy with my obtuseness,
my unlearned innate sexuality.
uNot
really,' I said. "I think I'm Canadian."
"Ahhh, you don't haye to be embarrassed. I won't tell
anybody if we do stuff.'
"lYhat stuffl' I was going to Iose it. And Hank was
really nice, at heart, too.
"You know. The Oriental kinky stuJl Like on'Shogur'.'
uOh yeah,' I said, tucking my blouse back into my
jeans.
uHey, where are you going?'
I threw the T-shirt anniversary present in his face. I
didn't even know why I was so mad.
"Hyuck, hyuck," I said.
123
"Are you laughing in your sleep or are you awake?' he
asked.
ul'm awake,' I said, stroking his srnooth chest with lazy
fingers.
uWhat's so funny?"
u0h, I was just remembering my first real boyfriend.'
uWhen you were at university?' Curious with a lover's
desire to hear of intimacy belore him.
uNo!' I laughed. uJunior high school!'
"Ehhhhhh. Boy, you really start young around here.'
"l guess. I can't speak {br all the small towns, but most
places that are small, there isn't much to do except drink
and havc sex. Or at lcast mahe out.'
"Did you have sex with your {irsl. rcal boylriend?" he
asked, lying on his side with his chin in thc curve of his
palm.F-acing me.
"Nah. I might have if hc hadn't pissed me oll but he
did. Besides, he had terrible taste in T-shirts. How old were
you when you had a real girlfriend?'
"As old as I am now,'he srniled.
"Are you Lrying to bc cutc?'
ul would never be cute for you.'
uDo you want [o have 0riental sex?' I asked, posing in
what I thought could be secn as an Oriental gestLlre.
"\4/hat's Oricntal scx?'
"l don't know,' I answcred, ubut I thought I would
make it up as I go along.'
ulet's make it up togethcr.'
I was, of course, snubbcd by evcryonc for tlvo weeks. llven
Julie, even Patricia, couldn't lirrgive me, hc had bought me a
present after all.
124
"You're too touchy," Julie hissed. She wasn't even
supposed to be talking to me but shc was too furious to keep
up the silent treatment.
u\4rhat's your problem,
all broken up
an)"ways? Hank's
about you and he didn't even do anything! You blew it and
no one's going to go out with you now.'
That, at least, turned out to be true. I never went out
with another Nanton boy ever again. I messed arouxd with a
couple of out of torvn boys from l.ligh River and Vulcan. But
not for keeps. Meanwhile, my Oriental hormones were
running rampant, so to spcak. Ilard to grow up in
agricultural hell, in corvboy purgatory.
uWhat's happened to Hank? He never
calls anymore
and I haven't seen him for at least two weeks, I'm sure,'
Mom said.
uNews flash! Muriel 'lirnkatsu
and Ilank }Iardy broke
up three weeks ago.'lhp tap taptaptaptap.'
"0h MurieMle was such a nice boy too, even though
his family goes to the Church ol'Christ. \4trat happened?"
"Nothing you'd care to hear about.'
"'I'hat's no way to talk! OI'course I care about what's
going on ln your lif'e! Any mclthcr rvould. You linow you can
talk to me about anythjng.'
"Mom, hc wanted to havc Oricntal sex with me."
u0h, well, the llible says we should wait, ummmm. . .'
she trailcd away.
0bachan and l, our eyes collided, and we began to
laugh. Mom's pots and pans a clattcring chorus behind us.
Our family wasn'[ the only "Oriental" family in town. There
was Joe and his wi[c, Jane, and the many other Victnamese
workers at thc farm whom I hardly hnew at all. \4hom I
125
never knew. And there were Chinese-Canadians who'd been
around, I was certain, forever. Jim Wu's family who ran
Ginger Jim's on Main Street and Mrs. Ching with no Mr'
Ching. She had three daughters who helped run the grocery
store until they left, one by one, to run a gas station m
Winnipeg, manage a condominium in Edmonton, 2nd enter
law school out east. I rlon't know the names of the Ching
girls, they graduated when I was just getting into junior
high. I only heard stories of what they did when they left
town. I knew they went to the same school as I because
their class graduation pictures hung on lhe walls in the
hallway. Wearing lilac long rircsscs with pull'cd sleeves and
thick, framed glasses. l,ooking like decades ago. I cnulcln't
'l'he
connect the photos I saw with the sLories 1 506 5.r.[.
Ching girls were long 65one and I cnvied them their escape
from rural hell.
Jim Wu had four kids, and one of his sons was a year
older than me. His name was Shane. Shane Wu. And god, I
I'elt sorry for him, having to live with his name 1r, u cowboY
town. With his Asian face. When he was short and tubby
with big hands and feet so hc looked uncornfortable all the
time. Having a name lihe Shane, playing hockey, 6p1 pnly as
a second string goalie. And I never talked with him in my
entire life. I'le nevcr talked with me. [nstinct born ol' fear,l
knew that being seen with him wouki lessen my chances of
being in the popular crowd. 'l'har Oriental people irr single
doses were well enough, but any hint of a group 2nfl it was
all over. I thought I was proud of being Japanese-C4nadian,
but I was actually a coward. ldon't know what Shane's
reasons were filr never tatking with me. I never asked.
But wc hcld hands, onoe, whcn I was in grade six and
he was in gracle sevcn. Junc, when thc cloutls r*.,11 thick
126
and black from the west and squceze through the foothills.
Around nine at night, and I was riding my bike in town, on
my way home from eating supper at Julie's house. Shane
was on the sidewalk, on his way to the restaurant to help his
father clean up and closc down. 'l'he sky crackled dark and
sudden and the lighhring was right on top of us. I'he wind
was mad, raising dust devils, little pellets of stone. There
was a sizzle/crack! and all the streetlights went out. I fell off
my bike. I must have yelped or something and Shane
stumbled Loward me, his frrot bumping into my bike. It was
so absolutely dark, I couldn't sce his face, I only saw his
hand out for me to grab. The lightning scorching the air
around us. I reached and Shane pulled me up. I bent down
to get my bike, held it up with my right hand, and clutched
Shane's hand with rny left. It was darker than an eclipse, or
something, I don't know rvhy, but it was dark enough for me
to hold Shane's hand. He walked me home, in the wind and
rain, a mile and a half south wcst o1'tovr.n. My hand in his,
his hand in mine, the wind howling like demons. Ile never
said a singlc thing and I didn't say anything cither, only
pushed my bike awkwardly with my right hand. When he
saw me to my door, he turned around without saying good-
bye and walked a mile and a hall'back into town.
I don't know rvhat happened to Shanc. Ite quit school
when he finished grade cleven, I never found out why. His
pictwe doesn't hang in the hallway o[ thc school. His story
isn't mine to speak.
(Murasaki: 0bachan?
Naoe.: I-lai?
127
Murasaki: Obachan, I don't know what to say anymore.
I don't know what to ask. Does it even matter?
Naoe: I can't give you any answers, child. I'm just
beginning to fild answcrs of my own. But listen.
Why don't I talk sometimes and you iust move your
lips and it will look like you're the one who's talking.
Murasaki: That's a great idea, 0bachan. 'fhanks.
Naoe: Not at all. You can do the same for me,
sometimes.
Murasaki: Sure, 0bachan. I could surely do that.)
When 0bAchan left our home forever, Mom had a nervous
breakdown. Well, nothing diagnosed or formally said, she
iust refused to leave her room. She sl"ayed in bed for three
monLhs and never opened t"he curlains. Never turned on the
lights. I staycd home I'rom school to take care of her,
nothing I was too pleased to do, alter all, I was in high
school and on the basketball team and not too hot at math,
either. I coulrLn't afford to miss school if I wanted to keep my
grades. But for once in his life, Dad insisted.
uYou
will stay home Lo care for your mother.' f)ad, who
never ordcred a thing in his li[c! IIc couldn't even order food
at a restaurant, let alone mahc a command on anyone's life.
I was so shocked, I didn't even make a fuss. [t was arranged
I would mahe up any losl" work during the summer holidays.
So I stayed homc, watcherl over Mom and tried [o make hcr
eat. She just lay lihe a log in the middle of hc'r bed. At least
she got up to pee. At leasL she didn't shil" her pants. Ilut
 129
128

"Dad, Mom talked today!" He had come in from the farm,

something changed in me, during the time I spent in l.he
and I was in the kitchen, making macaroni and cheese.
dark with a silent mother. Mother in name but a total
"Really?!Wha[ did she say?'
stranger. A place I had ncver tried to movc beyond. I wasn't uShe
said, '0. . . K'."
free from guilt. uThat's it?" Disappointed.
She did get up to pce, but she didn't takc a bath. I had uAt least it's something! At least you don't have to sit
to wipe her wirh a towel to keep hcr clean. At first, she wore
around here all day in a dark and stinkin'house with no one
a nightie, like she always did, but I had a hell of a time,
to talk to except yourself'and a woman who's turned into a
propping her borly up to gel. it ovcr her head whenever I
house plant! She should get pro{'essional help, but no, make
wanted to battre her or change her clothes. And she didn't
the daughter lose her mind as well. After Len days, I think
try to help. She just lay limply, no words passed her lips.
Then I got a brain wave. I ran t<l 0bAchan's room, the same
that'0. . . K' is a bloody breakthrough!'
I was w'aiting for Dad to yell or shake me or something.
as when she lctt it, rummaged through her drawers and
After ten long days o[ winter silcnce, I wanted something to
came up with her nemaki Japanese night clothes.'l'hcy were
explode. But he didn't say anything. He opcned his arms
made like robes, and the front was only wrapped around the
wide and I fell into them for the Ilrst time.
body to be tierl al. the sides so that the whole thing could be
"'l'hank you, Murie[,' ho sairl, the wtlrds vibrating in
taken off without pullinp4 anythixg over the hcad. I took one
his chest, and my throat swelled with salty tcars.
into to Mom's room and hcld it uP.
After that, I thought Mom might start talking a little.
"Look Mom, this is just pe rf00t! Now we won'[ have to
jostle you around so much. lt'll bc easicr to change your Malie a slow progress. Ilut shc fell back into silence and
nothing I said could mahe hcr talk again. I was crushed. I
clothes and give you a ha[h, okay?" I didn't expect her to say
had had visions of me going back to school and parties on
anything, she hadn't said anything for ten days, the day
weekenrls and bashetball tournamcnts, but the luture
since 0bachan IelI.
u0. . . K." looked dim and I became depressed. Not the ideal cmotional
state {or somcone who is Lrying to nurse somcone else out of
I was shoched. Ilut I t.ricd n0t to look surprised.
uDad said he'd be home early tonight, they're casing, a depression. The house becamc a hollow thing, the only
noise was the sound <lf dust snaking across thc lvtloden
anrl picking should just be a half day. 'l'hcre's supposed to be
- floors. After all those years of'Obachan's voicc. ller language
a chinook tomorrow. It's about time, it was so cold this
morning Dad had to kick the front door open because it was
ol memory, pain, desire. 'l'hc silence in our homc was so
complete our ears rang with the sudden loss of sound. I
all caked with icc at the bottom. Actually, it's kinda nice
turned my thoughts inward, anrl inward yct a6;ain.
staying home in the winter like this, I mean, it's too cold to
even think." I chatted away, hoping it would make Mom
(Murasaki: 0bAchan! 0bachan! 0BACIIAN!
want to talk to mc, but she didn't say anything clse.
130
Naoe: Ara! Murasaki-chan?
Murasaki: 0bachan?
Naoe:Hai! Obachan da yo. Doshita no, sonnani okina
koe o dashite?
Murasaki: 0h, 0bachan. Am I losing my mind? I can
under:stand what you're saying, and how can we be
talking anyrvay?! I must be insane.
Naoe:,4ra, Murasaki, that doesn't sound like the
granddaughter I know and love. There are stranger
things in life than two people who are close being
able to understand one another.
Murasaki: Yeah, but over distance and time? Not to
mention life. You're dead after all, aren't you?
Naoe: Of course not! As if I would be readv for death.
Murasaki: But what about the snow?'l'he high
windchill Iactor and everything?'l'here werc search
parties out for a weeh and no one Ibund a trace.
Naoe: If an old woman chooscs to lcave, il.'s an easy
enough l.hing to cover onc's tracks. Dead! Mattaku!
Murasahi: Sorry. Ilut you havc to admit, you hinda
shocked everyone.l)speciallv Mom. Shc's kinda lost
it.
Naoe: Ara. ls she all right?
Murasaki: No. Not really. I think she's had a bit of a
nervous breakdorvn.
Naoe: Ara-raaa.l'm so sorry. [t mustbe hard for you.
But harder yet on Keiko. She is so strong of mind,
stronger than even me, that she must be awfully
hurt to hide inside herself. You must help her,
Murasahi.
Murasaki: I've been trying. Not very gracefully.
Naoe: You must try harder. \i![hat have you been
feeding her?
Murasaki: Well, macaroni and cheese. Hot dogs. Stuff
like that.
Naoe: Mattaku! OI'course shc won't be gctting better
on lbod such as that! Ilave a little scnse!
Murasaki: Gee, sorry 0bAchan! [t's not as i['I ever
learned to cook 0r an),thing.
Naoe: Don't be sarcastic! Just" lisl"en.
Murasaki: 0kay.)

132
"You switch around in time a lot," you say, a bowL of colfee
resting in your palms. "l get all mixed up. I don't hnow in
what order things really happened." You lift the coffie to your
lips and sLurp at hot liquid. Nibble a dry ltalian biscuit and
look erpectantly up at me.
I tip my chai to my lips, and lick sueet aronlatic milk
that lingers. I want to jusl ignttrt you. You withyour dry
biscuits and ezpectations. Ilut it would be rude and you haue
listened with care and intelligence. You haue participated in
the story.
"There Lsn't a time line. lt's not a Linear equation. You
start in the middle and urylold nutward from lhere. It's nol a
Jlat surfoce that you waLk back and Jorlh on. lt's lihe being
inside a ball that Lsn't eractly a baLL, but is really made up of
thousands and thousands o! small panek. And on each panel,
there is a mirron but each mirror reflects something dffirent.
And Jrom where you crouch, r,f you turn your head up or
around or down or sideways, you can see something new,
s omet hing o ld, or s o m elh ing y o u'u e to rg o tte n. "
"WotD," you say, "l//ott, that sounds lilt,e some mind
bend. Some people might call it madness."
"Yeah,I guess. IJut some might call it magic."
"Abracadabra," you say. "Shazam! Presto! )pen
Sesame! Chi chin pui pui! I loue peanut butler sandwiches!'
you yell, usauing your arffLS in a uaguely mysLerious fashion.
Eueryone in the co.ffee shop is staring at you and I laugh and
laugh until I am crying.
"rffrr*f
133
uDad,' I said, cutting up some fruit and mixing it with
yogufl, "you have to watch Mom for a while today. I need
the car to do some shopping in Calgary."
*Farm's
busy. Icy highway. Maybe another day?"
"f)ad,l insist."
"Okay, Muriel.'
The highway spun away from the tires of the car. Alone
and enjoying every second of it. The snaking paths of snow
twining on the surface of the road. 'Ihe thrill of driving fast
in dangerous conditions. I had the radio blasting and
singing so loudly I couldn't hear the hum of the car or the
wind roaring against it.
I didn't even notice the cop car had his flashing lights
on, didn't notice him until he pulled up treside me and
turned on his siren and I was so surprised I srverved a little
into his lane and he had to veer away into oncoming traffic
to avoid a collision.
"Shit!' I hissed. *0h shit oh shit oshit!" as I slowed
down, turned ollmy radio, and pulled over to the side.
'l'he ofiicer got out of his patrol car, shiny boots first,
and his lace was red lvith what I could only hope was his
natural skin colour.
uYou'rc
in a lot ol'trouble. I clocked you at 14g and you
were driving dangerously and I can also nail you I'or
resisting an ofllcer. You'll losc your licence, if you,re old
enough to cven have one, and the fine is liable to pop you_r
daddy's eyes outta his hcad. Let,s sec your licence. And your
registra tion and insurance."
I didn't say anything at all, just handerl him the papers.
[[e slowly Ilipped through them, went back to his car and
called up headquarters, or lvhcrever on his radio, looking
't 34
up now and then, to stare at the back of my head. He
returned ominously slowly.
uSo, you're Muriel '['onkalsu, huh. You lost your
grandmother a while ago, the word says' Sorry to hear that' I
guess I can go easy on you tttis time. You're probably under
a lot of stress and all. But l'm still giving you a speeding
ticket. Can't havc you speeding in weather conditions like
this. Just take care not to turn on the radio so loud.'
And he smiled, actually smiled when he gave me the
ticket. Not a mean smile, not a condescending one, iust a
nice anrl friendly smile. tt made me feel so sorry, lor I don't
know what, lhat tears poolcd ir my cyes, and I had to blink
and blink so that they wouldn't spill over.
I drove more slowly, after that, and turned down the
volume on the radio. Stayed in the right-hand lane, flicked
on my lights. Checked the map tacked on l"he visor and
exited at Marquis de Lorne 'liail, or whatever. Follow the
airport signs until you hit Seventecnth Avenue SE, then turn
right then take the next left at thc first intersection, Dad had
told me. I don't know how he knew where the place was.
After all, it wasn'[ likc hc ever went shopping there, was it? [
mean we never had a singlc Japanese I'ood item in our
house, aside from Otlachan's packages from Japan. \{hy
would Dad hnow the Oriental I'\rod Store when he's never
bought anything 0riental ir his rvhole immigrant life? Has
he? And 0bachan. IIow did Obachan hnow about it? "Go ttl
the Oriental l"ood Store in south east Calgary,' she says.
uAsk your flathcr for directions." It wasn'[ li]rc shc cver left
the house, or anything. Was it? []ul" ntt time to think ol things
I couldn'L ligurc out anyrvay. 'l'hc traflrc on I)cerfoot lrail
careened around mc with a blast of horn, a splash of slush,
and no windshield wiper lluid. I just hummed myself into
135
safety and periodically slammed on my brakes when people
drove too close behind rne.
Tinkle tinkle of door, the sound was soothing after my
palm-sweat strcss of driving on a busy highway. I stood in
the doorway and breathed in deep the scent of spices
foreign to my senses. I was bcmused.
uHello, you must bc Sam 'lbnkatsu's
daughter, I can see
the family resemblance, nice to meet y<-ru." She stood firm
and solid behind the cash rcgister, wearing a white apron
that covered her from neck to mid-thigh. ller head perched
on top like a snow woman. Shc smiled hugely, and her teeth
were comfortingly crookcd.
uHi,' I said, and kind of waved, for the lach of anything
better to do. I was shocked. Dad came here?'lb this store?
"llow's your Dad doing? I haven'1" seen him come
around lbr a couple of weelis now. lle must be getting low
on his salted seaweed paste.'
uDad eats salted seaweed paste?" my mouth
dropped
open.
uFunny guy, your Dad. Never says much
and all he ever
buys is salted seaweed pastc.'lry some piclilcd radish, I tell
him. Try some of our specialLl ramen,l say. But no, all he
ever buys is the st:aweed."
"Did my Mom cornt: herc too?' I asked, starting to
doubt the things I sarv with m.y oyes, heard rvith my ears, as
truth. uDid she ever buy anythinp; too?"
uNot that I know of'. Didn't even know Sam had a
daughter until I saw you walh in the door. llut you couldn't
be anyone else. You looh llhe he would havc lookerl when he
was youngcr, only with a rvig.'
"Cee, thanks a lot.'fhat's vcry descriptivc."
uWa! ha! ha! haaa!' she laughcd
enormously. *'l'hat
135 137

wasn't meant as an insult, dear! Fle's quite a strihing man, "Pardon?' There were too many things swirling in rty
and you're an interesting loohing girl." head.
u0h good, this gets better and better.' uNever mind, l'll help you out.'
uWa! ha! ha! haaa! Is there uBy
anything I can help you the way,' something occurred to me. "The tonhatsu
with?" tn tonkatsu sauce?"
"Yeah, actually. I have a list here, somewhere." I patted "Yes?"
my back pocket and pulled out a foldcd piece of foolscap. uls that the
same tonkaLsu like my name?"
uYou
mean you don't know?'She was amazed.
"No, I guess I don't." I felt my face glow warmer, but I
zlttA* had to know.
tah"4rqz-L uMaybe you
/4 l, should ask your l)ad,' she said, shooting
/a/a/.4/^o-191l2+L, /rJ","f-- price stickers on the bottom of a f'ew cans, glancing up atmy
*u/dkd/{n/- _V

k r^L^-
4,^ face between every tha-chunh. ul'm not sure of the origirrs
/La'kLd-a,L and such. It could have a totally diflerent character spelling.

,ry
/WU/uLrl
,ola;knfL Or it could be a nickname that turned into a real name.'
z/y'1,a71-
"l don't know if he rcmembers. Please tell me. I waflt
44e-trA to know now.'I was so cklsc to a rlifferent understanding, I
-/. ^J-il4-L
I ur,a.l-dzn4f could almost taste it.
,/1-A/tVf1.4--. -/ "Well, the only tonkatsu l'rn lamiliar with is a food."
'1"14- rh^A&*') uoh boy,' I muttered, I don't know if I can stand
Jrl<-. -
j%yvt/- "fpra,lz,ai6r^- a-a,u-<, another shock.
/1r&wr_/2,4
"lt's a type of breaded deep-fried pork cutlct.'
u0hmygod.'
"That's some list," she said, pccring over my shoulder *l think it's very uniquc and interesting. Maybe your
and breathing quite heavily into my hair. *[lun out of the father's family was in thr: food or restau_rant business.Who
staples, huh?' knows, maybe his family invcnted them!' she expanded,
ul wouldn't know. warming to the subject.
My 0bachan gave me thc list, and I
know what thc words mean, but, I have no idea what they uI
can't stand it."
are.' uThere's nothing nicer
lhan a tonkalsu dinner on a cold
ulsn't that some sort ol' aphasia? Were you in an winter evening. lt fills you up and cveryone eats thern
accident or something? Maybe it's personal, huh. 't'ell me if Iicketysplit. Bveryone loves tonkalsa. lJon't tell me you,ve
I'm being too pushy." never had one."
138
ul've never had one.'
uWell!' she said, outraged, uwell, it
iust won't do!' She
bustled to ttre meager book and magazine rack and flipped
through a stack. Chose a thin, colour photo recipe book of
Japanese food and smacked it against her thigh. Dust flew
and made me sneeze twice.
uTake this. 0n the house. You learn how to make
tonkatsu and you eat them up. Make your Obachan proud of
you."
uThanks!' I flipped through the pages, thc photographs
making my mouth water for things I'd never tasted.
uPut that dorvn lbr now," she said. ul'll show you what
you've got on that shopping list of yours."
I taggcd after her, pushing a shopping cart. Pausing in
front of the srnall produce scction, and pointing to certain
vegetables, she said thc words aloud.
uDaikon." Big white radish thing as Long us mylorearm.
"Hakusai." LeaIy Jrilly cabbage thing I'ue seen in
Sa-feway.
ushoga.' [,'resh root oJ gingen translation not literal.
"Satoimo." Little .fur couered balls, root uegetable, no
tuben
ul)on't worry, once you eat what they are, you won't
forget them,' she swcpt through the aisles, dropping items
into fte shopping cart.
"Mirin, nori, miso.. . . 'l'he rccipe book should help. Is
your mom white?'
"No, she just doesn't make Japancse food."
uOh, that's too bad. Ila[in6;'s a part of being after all.
How many pountl of rice do you want?'
uoh, just a couple fbr now, I guess."
u'l'hey only come in twcnty-live or li{ty pound bags."
139
"Oh,' I said blushing, embarrassed of my ignorance.
uThe twenty-five
pound bag, then. r/Vhat was it you said my
Dad bought all the rime?"
uSalted
seaweed paste. Bxcellent on hot rice.,
ul'll have some
of that too.,
uokay. I think
that about covers your list., She started
ringing it through the ti[. I was overwhermed. The strange
but familiar food. Dad and his seaweed. Our name.
uThar'll
be $187.49.,
uGood god!'
.It gets pricey. Most of it,s imported
you know. Can,t be
helped. Did you bring enough money?"
"I was going to treat myself to a movie and maybe a
new pair of jeans, but I guess that,s out.,
"You can put some stuff back if you want,, she raised
her heavy eyebrows. "l don,t mind ringing it through the till
again, we're not so busy."
"Nah, it's all right. I should go home before it gets dark,
anyway."
"Here's your change. Let me help you out to your car."
She swung the sack of rice ovcr one shoulder and clutched a
box beneath her other arm. The door tinkle tinkled. I
popped opcn the trunk and set my box inside. As the woman
put down the rice, I asked,
uWhat's your
name anyway?,
"Sushi."
Nothing could surprise me now. I stuck out my hand.
"Thanks for all your hclp, Sushi.,
She shook my hand brishly and rattled my head in the
process.
"Tell me how the tonkatsu works out.,
 I
140
Naoe
Funny how I hated the wind so much when I was sitting
still. I guess it is an easy thing to read what you will when
you can see from only one side of your face. I]ut a body can
never be objective. There's always too much at stake. Easy
now, to admire the wind, sitting inside a warm cab of a
truck, beer in the belly, and a cigarette between my lips! I
can almost hear the snow hissing across the icy highway.
Snaking, swirling, it alrnost makes a body dizzy. Mesm erize.
uTengu!'
"Hutt-what?'
"You almost went into the ditch!'
uoh, sorry." Rubs his knuchles across his eyes. "l guess
I shouldn't have had that beer. I hope I didn't scare you.'
'I think I should drive.'
"You sure you know how to drive a stick?" Ile glances
at me, one eycbrow higher than the other.
"0f course. l)on't worry," I say, patting his shoulder.
uJust leave the driving to mc and you can get some slecp.'
"If you're sure. I'm really beat.' 'l'engu brakes slowly,
slowly, shifting down with his hazards flashing for good
measure. Not t.hat anyone could see lhern in this whirlwind
of snow. Without having crushcd us already.
uWhere are we going lor ntllv?" lask. Not ticd to
destination. 0nly a grand departure.
'Trail? Lights aftcr lights and still busy in
"l don't know,' he says, rubbing his chin. We are
stopped and the wind is so slrong, it rochs the trucli lrom
side to side. "Just go {orwards, for norv.' I{e opens his door
to get out and the blast of icc is so fast so cold, my nostrils
crackle and the inside of thc windshicki freezes with a
clang. I slide over to sit behind the wheel and pull the seat
141
up as far as it will go. 1'engu slams into where I had been
sitting. Rubs his hands.
uForwards it is," I
say, and shift into first. "That,s easy
enough.'
uYeah, good
night." And he is snoring so quickly, at first
I think he is joking.
So thick with snow with ice, I can't hear the clamour of
stars. Their voices are tlimmed and scattered. 0nly this
thickness of cold, the heap ol'clouds on top. So dark and
muffled, I can't eyen see the lights of farm houses. There
must be some out there. Rut straight ahead, I see an orange
glow reflecting off the clouds. A hovering light above a city.
Why, it must be Calgary! 'l'his must be rhe Calgary that
everyone goes to. I suppose I must have been there once,
getting off the airplane, but not long enough to remember.
Calgary bathed in dull orangc pallor, it's not a healthy
complexion. 0r, perhaps, a thousand thousand fishing boats
Iloating on a snowy sea. Now that is a swceter image.
I wonder if 'lengu would rnind iI'we stopped in Calgarv.
He said t.o go forward, but didn't say anything about having
a little rest. Maybe I could eat somc tonkaLsu. No, I suppose
it is Loo late for a good rest.aurant to be open. Except ibr a
Smitty's or something, I don't know. And thcre,s nothing
there that I haven't becn eating {br the last twenty years! No
offense to you, Keiko, but my tongue quivers tor lbod of
substancc. '['he substance o[ mcmory. Wha[ is this Macleod
t"he carliest hours
of the morning. Such an obsccncly sprarvling road and it
goes on for who knows how long? This Macl,eod that the
road was namcd al'tcr must havc been a hcfty garrulous
man for the roarl to turn out so. Mattaku!Wait! I scent, a
wondcrlul scent. r/Vhere is it coming lrom? I know! It must
 r
142
be Chinatown. !'or the people who dare to be hungry in the
middle of the night. The starving hours before dawn. There
must be one door that is open, ftrr this scent to linger. Of
course I know the food is not the same, but there is a
compatibility of flavour, a simple nosc tongue connection'
Now if I can only make my way there. Well, I don't need a
map. I'll just roll down my window and let the flavours of
Chinatown beckon me. This rotlf of orange clouds above the
city, at least it's good for somethinS. At least it keeps the
smells from seeping upward inl"o spacc. Ahhhh, there. Yes, I
can aknost tasl"e. Drive on, old woman, it is up ahcad, drive
on and this Macl,eod 'frail will end, l'm certain! Tengu
sleeps like a baby, and such satisfied snoring! lle must be
tired, but I am not. No need {br the elderly to sleep, they've
spent so many years practicing at it, they can slumber wide
awake at will. 0r be wide awake when sleeping. lt becomes
one and the same and whispered stories are seldom ever
missed. No, there is nothing in my will that rvould interest
r&haL is that
anybody, if I ever harl written one anywayr. Ara!
It
ahead? So many police cars and lights all red and swirling'
must be an accidenL. Ara-maaa, I hope no one has been
injured. Bu[ why must we all sl"oP?
Tap tap tap.
Whal.! Tapping against thc window with his flashlight
so rude!
uRoll dorvn your wincl<)w, ma'am!" he yells against the
icy pane of glass.
Mal.tahu!\{hat is it norv I wonde r. lVhen nry belly is
squeezing with hungcr. I roll the window tltlwn a l'cw
centimetres to humour t"he shouting boy.
"Chechsttlp, ma'am. llavc yttu becn drinking this
evcning?'
ul{ave you no manners'? Shining your flashlight in
143
people's faces and we can't even see yours let alone your
badge and calling people ma'am and not even knowing if it,s
agreeable with them!'
u....'
"Have you nothing to say? I saw a flashlight
somewhere, ah here it is and there you go, how do you like
that? Not so plcasant" to havc light glaring in your face, now
is it?"
uSorry, miss,
but I'll have to ask you to get out of your
truck.'
uWhy,
when I haven't done a thing and you so rude and
smacking your flashlight against Lhe window! Shining ir in a
body's eyes so there's nothing to see but spots!'
ul
must insist. I wouldn't want to force you out."
"Mattahu! I would like to sce you try. Never mind!
Never mind! Don't get so red in the faoe. You,ll burst
something in your head well before your tirne. See, I,m out.
Now what do you want beforc I catch a cold in this
blizzard!"
uWalk on this line,"
he says, standing so close to me, I
must look up to see his lace .
"Vl[hat?! Don't be ridiculous.'
uJusl do it, or wc'll have
to take you downtown for
resisting an officer." Ilc is smacking his flashlight againsr
the side of his leg. We are not amused.
"You haven'l even begun Lo see rcsistance, why-,
' "Purple!"
"Ara,I'engu? tlard to slcep in all this fuss and lights.
Sorry we had to wake you up whcn you were so tired. I,m
having somr: trouble communicating with this young man,
you just go back to sleep and l'll bc bach befbre you can say
chi chin pui pui!"
"Purple, I think you should just walli along the white
 r
144
line so we can get going again,' 1'cngu is worried and he is
raising and lowering his eyebrows quitc madly.
*l will not! This person has been nothing but rude, no
need to listen to a body iust because he wears a silly
uniform.'
uMurasaki, kono hittt no yi hoto hikanai h taihen na
koto ni naru yo. Ne? Tanomu kara," 'l'engu hisses, smiling
all the while.
uWell, if you say so. But I still think he needs a good
spanking.'
uWhat did you say just now, the woman?' the young
Lo
offrcer asks, his mustache covering his childish lips.
(I told her the importance of'obeying the law in a
country not of her birth, ofIicer."
"Yes, of coursc. These people should always remember
that if they don't want any lrouble. Go on, walk that line.'
Chihish1!As il'I'll walk a line for an unthinking man
like you. I sweep my toe along the line and snap my elbows
into my sides, my lcgs straight and toes pointed, my head a
fulcrum, a point on a radius. Fling, leap my body into a side
aerial. Graceful and weightless, I spir faster and faster, until
my body's a blur and there is no ground, no sky. Only the
white face of the officer spinning round and round like the
moon. My tegs a V but spinning so fast, I'm just a whirling
circle. My ctbows still tucked close into my sidos, I swirl
with speed, with grace. A huge Sust of wlnd blows outward.
upward, and all of thc officcrs' hats fly up into the night sky.
Old newspapers, discarded toques, mittens are gliding in the
air. I land lightly, lhen step onc foot ttut, toes gracefully
pointed. Take a little bow.'fhe ollrcers'ha[s fall gently from
the sky to land on their heads again and my young
policeman has fainted, his cyes swirling. 'fhere is a light
145
applause from the other officers, bedazzled with my show.
"World class gymnast,' they mrumul and tip their hats to
me. [,ike cowboys. t,ike Englishmen. Something Western,
I'm certain. I just hop into the truck, snap 'l'engu,s open
mouth shut, and rev up the engine. 'l'hrow Wcstern kisses as
I drive away.
uYou play
a dangerous game, Purple. I lvas scared for you
back there."
u'fengu, I have
becn sitting safe for so long- if I don,t
move against that grain, I will certainly be stuck there
forever. Ilesides, I didn't like that youxg man. He had the
look of a racist.'
"l{ow can you say somcl"hing tike thaL!, lle is shocked.
"l don't know, I just got that feeting. lt,s a I'eeling that
rarely lies. He had thc kind of'look that doesn,t have any
room frlr undcrstanding or compassion or sympathy. 0r
love. Ihat almost hiddcn tiny little sneer in the corner of the
lip. Like he thinks he hnows everything there is to know
about you and doesn't like, will never lihe, what he sees. I
guess that's what I mean about looliing like a racist. I am not
saying I've never been guilty myself. I,m not immune. It,s
harder to noLice it on your rlrvn [ace. You have work extra
hard to il'you evor want. to catch yourse lf .,
uI guess, I know
what you mean, maybe. Ilut. still, you
ought to be careful you don't gencralize. IJe careful with the
cops from now on, okay? And no more magic tricks! people
will remember you. lJnless you want to be rcmembered. But
the way you were walking alone on the highway back there,
it looked to me you were walhing away lrom remembering,,
Tengu is looking stcrn, and so very endearing.
uAs
if it is ever possiblc. I found out a long time ago.you
't45
can never discard the past. It stays with you always. Let
people remember me. Thcre are worse things to remember
than an old woman who can still play a few tricks.'
"How did you do those flying cartwheel things
any.way?"
"I'll never tell! Come, we're going to Chinatown for
feast.I'm paying.'
uWhat's the celebration?' he smiles.
"l'll think of something."
uThis is fantastic!' Tengu says, his mouth full of lobster
meat, ginger punSent cream dripping liom his lips. "l've
never had lobster this good before.' He licks his fingers
from his pinkie to his thumb. It's good to see a body enjoy
his food so much. I coax the meat from the pincers out with
my chopsticlis. WhaL does "chopsticks' mean anyway? Who
made it up? The world is cluttered and heapirg with things
untold and forgotten. Ilut eat now, now is a time [o eat.
There is a time for words, but there is a time for lood also.
What can be more basic than that?
Ruby Restaurant. Well, more of a cafe, tlut the food is
remarkable. There can be no complaints if you are hungry
in the middle of the night and the door is open- Ahh, sip
some tea. Eat. Crispy green gai lan and slightly bitter on my
tongue. Shrimp and squid and scallop too, all salty crackle
hot. And crispy mein, deep fried and such a sauce. My face
all flush with taste, it fills the ache my belly has been
missing after twenty long years ol'boiled beel'and macaroni.
Certainly, there werc tirncs when I had squid and osenbei
too. And once I even made sekihan for Murasalii. Ilut
everything always from a cardboard box. Not spread before
me on a table with so many choices, I don't know where to
147
begin and steaming hot from the stove. Such food. It
nourishes more than my body. I am replete.
uCan I
offcr you a beer?' 'l'engu asks, licking grains of
salt from his lips.
"No," I say, heaping more lobster on to my plate. "l,ve
a had four tonight and I don't want to be so very drunk that I
can't remember. But. you go ahcad if you like. I don,t mind
driving if you want to drive onward, or we can alwavs find a
hotel if we want to get some rest."
uYou know,
thal might not bc a bad idea. I kinda I'eel
like having a couple beer and I've been sleeping in the cab
of my truck for too long. Wouldn't mind taking a shower."
"llotel it is, then! Why I haven,r stayed in a hotel since I
don't know when! So much fun in one night, I don,t know if I
can stand it. l)o you have any money?' I ask.
uYeah, got
I some, but not very much. I have to ration it
for gasoline, though. I don't want to bc mooching fiorn you,
but do you have any?"
"Well, I have some cash, but I want to save it in case of
an emergency. I really didn't want to use it until I was out of
this province, but I think my credit card will be all right.,
"Any particular reason you didn,t want to use it in
Alberta?' 'l'engu asks, reaching up to tug the brim of his
cowboy hat, but he has politely taken it olf when we sat
down at the table, so there is nothing to tug.
need for you to worry about."
' "No "If you're sure you won't get into any trouble,, he says,
his sun crinkle eyes concerned.
uHave
another beer, Tengu.'
uDon't
mind if I do.'
I eat, I drink. What more could a body ask for when
there is shrimp, squid, scallops, and lobster heaped on
 T
148
plates before you? [f I measured my happiness at Lhis given
moment, no one could bc richer than me. Simple pleasure
of crack crach lobstcr shell between my rnolars, pry sweeL
meat with my hashi and suck out the juice still inside,
licking the garlic ginger cream sauce, pungent with green
onions, and chew chew of lobstcr flesh, fresh and sweet as
the sea. Sip, slurp I'rom my cup of tea and choose a shrimp,
a scallop. Pick up my rice bowl and tip some rice into my
mouth, sweep the last bit.s wil"h rny chopsticks. I eat for
Murasaki. I eat for Keiko.
I never thought I would end up in a hoLel with a cowboy. I
never expected to leave Japan. I never knew I would get
married and then divorced. I never thought I would bear a
daughter who speaks a di{Terent language. You never think.
You never expcct. You never know. But things still happen.
TheJubulti has passed, and the r:louds are tearing apart
far enough so that the moon shows her face lrom time to
time. When I was child in the house of my parents, when we
were still rich with fatted land, we viewcd the moon
together and ate the special dumplings. Shige rvould sit on
Okasan's lap and I would sit on 0tosan's. And 0kasm would
SflY,
uSee, see how the rabbits are making mochi on the
moon. They are taking tu-rns poundilg the rice.'
But I ncver saw the rabbil"s on the moon. I only wished
I could.
'l'he tall buildings of dorvnLown Calgary are mostly
dim. Only a {'cw squares o{'lights. Sometimes, a ligurc walks
aoross, the light goes ofl'and thc room next to it is turned
on. Someone is doing the night shill cleaning. Somcone is
always awake. The clouds have broken up the sky and the
149
pale stars, dirnmed by the orange street lights, wink off and
on as the clouds silently drift. 'lo Saskatchewan? I wonder.
Tengu has fallen asleep with his hat on his head, his boots
on his feet, and his coat buttoned up to his neck. [[e is so
tired, he must be shouldering his own weight of stories
untold and so back-breakingly hearry. I would at least tug his
boots off his pinched fcct, but I don't want to wake hirn up.
It's better to just let him rest. So much could be done if we
could just part with sleeping. ll'we didn't nced to rest our
heads from our daily cares. If only we could live in waking
dreams, and not be cloudcd with thc thin wisps of sleep and
doubt. What magic we'd create around us. lnstead of daily
loaves of hate that we cat everv morning and wash down
with bittcr coll'ee. Chet Stop ir already! Ilnough of this
depressing talk. You are born. ll'you arc [uchy, you live. And
while you are alive, you might do a ttring or two. 0r not. It's
up to that person, after all. Alter sitting in that chair in
Keiko's house for twcnty years, I guess l'rn rcady to do a
thing or two. You can bc old, but it doesn't mean you don't
have a I'ew tricks up your sleeve. Don't blink too slowly.
Murasaki
It was dark by the time I got. horne and llad was aslecp in
front of the 1'V, a dirty plate with dried ketchup on the floor.
I went upstairs to Mom's room and turncd on the plug-in
night light. Mom was slill awake, or at least her eycs were
still open, a plate ol'cold scramblctl eggs on a tray in her lap.
Ketchup on the side and l.wo pieces of Loast all congealed
with a thin crust on top.
uWell, 0bachan is right. It's
obvious you'll never get
better on food like this and it looks prctty damn gross right
150
now, doesn't it. Don't worry, Mom. 0bachan gavc me some
pointers and I met a woman named Sushi and Dad is a
closet seaweed eater. LiIe is gctting better.'
Mom didn't move or blink, but I was feeling better and
I knew she would too. I thumped downstairs and unloaded
all my groceries. Dumped wiencrs and Cheese \{hiz and
left-over potato salad into the garbage. Carefully put away
my store of treasurc. I flichcd on all the lights in thc kitchen
and turned on the radio. Honey murmur of a DJ soothing to
my ears, I still sought the sound of voices in our hollow
house. I sat dovrn at *re kitchen tablc and started to read my
cookbook.
Tonkatsu (Decp fried breaded porh cutlets) It's true.
Bread crumbs all over the kitchen counters and
crunching beneath my feet. I was red in the facc and deep-
frying pork chops for the first timc in my lil'e at cleven forty-
five at night. Apparently,'litnkatsu is servcd with thinly
slioed raw cabbage and I had three plates all ready, cabbage
on the side. I couldn't stop putting a capital on the t, I
couldn't stop thinking ol'it as our name. The deep-frying
was a bad scene. I didn't hnow how done they were and took
the hrst two out too soon, thc outside fried, but the inside
meat still pink and blecdin64. Possible tapcworm I'ears. So I
put lhem in thc oil again, but I had wailcd [oo long and the
.looked al" the food belorc her.
bread crumb coating was too soggy so it all brolic apart. I
had to go outside, dump the oil on lhe gravel driveway, and
start over again. 'fhe second time, I lried them too long and
they came out harder than leathcr thongs. But it wasn't a
wasted effort because, by then, I figured out that the
Tonkatsu sank when thev were raw and floated when they
151
were done. What does this mean?
The third batch bobbed up lighr and golden, rhe pork
just done and still tender. And while I was furiously cooking,
bread crumbs flying in my wake, Dad was dreaming of
something so close to his home hc could almost taste it. FIe
woke up in a daze and turned oll'the silent 'fV. Ile picked up
his ketchup plate and sct it in thc sink. Washed all rhe dirry
dishes I had madc and wipcd them and put t"hem away.
When I turned and linally nol"iced, he was sitting at the
kitchen table, hands folded in his lap. tle had ser. rhe r.able
with forks and knives and the bottle of 'lbnkatsu sauce.
There were three table scttings. 'l'he rzrso soup I had made
was overboiled and the seawecd was almost melted, but I
served them up in bowls. l-itled three more borvls with rice
and a small plate with the pickled yellow tnhuwan that was
little a strong in smell. I proudly placed my golden pork
cutlets on the plates rvith sliccd cabbagc. One filty-three in
the morning. Funny, I thought, we're going to cat ou_r name.
"Mom. Mom, supper's ready," I yellcd up thc stairs and
crosscd my lingers. Silcnce. 'l'hcn a crcak of floorboards.
Slow, tentative steps, out thc room, down thc hall and down
down the stairs. Mom, in Obachan's nemahi,like a woman
dreaming. A sleep walker. Whcn Mom reachcd the bottom
of the stairs, I held out my hand and she took it. We walked
to the table together. Morn pauscd bc{brc she sat down and
"Where are the hashi?" shc asked. "Chopsticks." ller
voice creaky with disusc.
"We don't have any," I gcntly rcminded. 'We've never
had any, Mom. We'll just have to use forks and knives,
okay?'
uWait a minute,' Dad
ran outside in his stocking feet,
152
even though it was snowing and he ran back in with twigs in
his hands. A proud grin on his face. He plunked down on his
seat and flicked out. his Swiss Army knife. Started whittiing,
blading Iittle knobs and scars oll the twig in his hand until it
was smooth. He flicked bark and bits of wood all over the
kitchen floor, but Mom didn't say a thing, just waited until
he had smoothed the second one and held out her hand.
Dad gave her his home-made ohashi and she nodded her
thanks. She raised her bowl ol' rniso soup to hcr lips and
slurped! Zuru zuru zuru, She slurpcd her soup and I was
amazed. Dad kept on whittling and flnished making l.wo
more sets of chopsticks.
u0h, I got something for you too.' I ran to the fridge
and took out the small jar of salted seaweed paste. 0pened
the lid and set it in lront ol'him.
uThanks," he said and handed me my chopsticks. They
felt awkward in my hands and I couldn't hold them.
Couldn't bring lood to my moulh. I)ad didn't notice, he was
heaping salted seaweed all over his bowl of rice with
intense conccntration. Mom loohed up l'rom her miso soup
and saw. She look her fork and knil'e and cut my meat for
me then poured Tonlrutsu sauoe evcnly over my pork and a
little over the cabbage. She took the chopsticks I was
turning in my hands ttris way and that and hcld out my hand
flat. Set the two ttrick ends ol'thc chopsticks on my palm and
closed my fingers over them in a fist. She turned my wrist
ninety degrees and the points hung straight downward.
Rigid and awkward, I could only mahe basic stabbing
movements, u,hich I did in the space above my plate. I
looked up at Mom's lace, wondering if she was making fun
at me.
uStart eating. Like small child,' her voice so thick and
153
dusty I couldn't recognize it. "Work from there.'
I noddcd slowly, beginning to understand. Something. I
glanced at Dad, and he had cut his cutlet lr.ith his knife and
fork too. He was holding his chopsticks with the grace and
ease of a conriuctor, darting lihe swallows like fish. And
Mom, the ohashi llt in her hands r.oo. F'or all I had believed
otherwise. I turned to my plate, my hashi in my fist, and
stabbed a picce ol'mcat with the points. I raised it to mv
nervous mouth and took a tcntative bite.'l'hc bread crumbs
crunchy and the pork tendcr lirm, the sauce tangy and salty.
It was good! I shoved the rvhole piece in my mouth and
chewed with joy. Iiating 'l-onkatsu in the heavy silence
between night and dawn, a strange conliguration.
Therc were no hu6;s or kisses or mea culpas. 'l'here
l
wasn't a sudden wellspring ol'words, as if everything we
ti
never said burst forth and we forgave each other for all our
shortcomings. We sat and atc. No one saying a word, just the
smack of lips and tongucs. lVc passed around Lhe 'lbnhatsu
sauce whcnever it looked lihe someone was running out.
But it was a chrysalis tirnc ftrr Mom or me. Maybe for
both of us, I don't know. Every day, we ate supper around
midnight, food I had made from the Japanesc cookbook and
we used Dad's twig, ohashl. Mom's words slowly coming
back, or maybe nte beginning l"o hear them. She didn,t get
up the next day and start cleaning the house or something
like I had thought she would. She lay in bcd all day and
poked holes into the words shc said out loud and laughed
someLimes. IL was nice hcaring Mom laugh. I still stayerl at
home, t.o run Lhe house and tahe thc business calls. Ilut
mostly to hear the rich sound of my N{om's laughter.
(Murasaki: Obachan.
154
Naoe: Hai?
Murasaki: Mom's feeling better now.
Naoe: 0h, I'm so glad to hear it.
Murasaki: And I'm cooking some Japanese food too.
Naoe: Murasaki. I'm glad. Do you like it?
Murasahi: Yes, I do. 0bachan?
Naoe: Hai?
Murasaki: Did you know that the sound of Mom's
laughter makes you feel warm inside and all melty?
Naoe: I used to know.
Murasaki: I'm knowing now.
Naoe: Ask Keiko to clean your ears.
Murasaki: lVhat?!
Naoe: Just ash her, Murasaki.
Murasaki: That's disgustin g!
Naoe: Just ask.
Murasaki: 0kay.)
155
*Mom,' I asked, sitting on thc corner of her bed, feeling
slightly embarrassed but curious as well. "Could you clean
my ears?" I was looking at her face, wondering what she
would say or do. She looked bemused.
"You'll have to go look for the mimikaki in the bottom
of your Obichan's sewing box," she said, tying back the
curtains in her room to let the sunlight in. I hopped up and
went into Obachan's roor], fie same as when she left. Her
sewing box was on the homemade headboard shelf made
out of two-by-fours. I sat on thc bcd and peered inside.
Spools of thread and packets ol' shiny needles, a bag of
unmatched buttons and scraps o{'yarn and cloth. l,ooking
for the mimihaki, rvondering what it was and il'l would
recognize it when I saw it. A Iong slender picce of wood,
bamboo? and on one end, a t.iny spoon head, and on the
other, a fluffy ball of down, like a dandelion ftuff Q-tip.
Ahhhh, mimikaki, I went to Mom's room, and she was
sitting up, a piece o{ Kleenex in her hand. She patted the
bed and I sat down. She gently pulled my arm so I lay down,
my head in her lap, the sun warm and cozy through the
windowpane. Mom carefully tugged my ear lobe and cupped
her other hand, her palm, beneath my chin, so the angle
would be just right. The warm scent of Mom's clothes,
seeping in the air. My eyes shut on their own accord and my
body limped.llelaxed.
. uMy, you have quite a bit.'
"Really?"
"It's a wonder you can hear anything at all."
uReally?" I wanted to look down my own
ear, to see
what was inside.
"Your ear channel goes straight down. ObAchan said
155
mine was quite twisty so she had a hard time cleaning
them."
u0bachan used to clean your ears?' I was amazed. It
seemed like I was being amazed quite often, lately.
Wondering what it meant.
uOh, yes.
She was really good at it too."
uWhy
didn't you or Obachan ever clean my ears?'
uDid you ever ask?'
'N(}-'
"'Ihere you gn,' Mom said, *rlol no more talking, or I
can't clean your ear. And don't movc."
uDo it softly, Mom,' I whispered. Closed my eyes to
thought. Ard I felt the mimikaAl dip inside my car.
Anticipatory shudder of fear or longing or I don't know
whal.. The thrill of'bamboo picrcing fragile tissue, tearing
through tender flesh, but the longing for the lirst touch, the
unknown. I hovered in that delicate place between
anticipation and intense pleasure, tce tering beLween fear
and longing, hovered above the delicate skin over my closed
eyes, a pinpoint of light yet hearry as golden honey. My trust
lying in my mother's lap, my fragile shull, my lcgs curled up.
Mom's clothes a warrn breath around mc, a cloud of bees, a
palmful of'seeds. Me and my hearry eyes shut and the sun
stretched long beside me and time quivered like a taut skin.
And soft soft softest scrape ol'bamboo scratching sensitive
channel. l'he sensation was incredible. My mouth watered
with delight, my tocs curled in exquisite pleasure. The
scrape scrape rustle so loud in my car and the slow scratc'hy
easing of tiny itches within. Mom soltly lifted the mimikaki,
tapped the wax on the Kleenex, and dipped the spoon again.
Scrapes against skin never touchcd belbre bul so softly itchy
I never noticed until now, thrilling to the danger of bamboo
157
piercing ear-drum ye t the incrcdible unbearable pleasure.
uDocs it hurt?'
"Don't stop," I say, the sur warm on my face, my body,
the smell ol'her clot.hes, Mom scratch scratching so
unbearably perl'ectly my teeth ache with [he pleasure, a
taste in my mouth like nectar.
It's funny how you ncver hear what you miss. After
Mom cleancd my cars, I heard sounds I had never heard
before. At least I didn't remcmber them. I walkcd around in
wondermcnt, tilting my head flrom side to side, so the
sounds could trickle into my ears more fully. I was bemused.
Apparently, thc cicada has a long pupa stage. 'l'hey live
undcr the damp darkncss ol soil in silcnce for seven long
years. Suck the juice lrom roots o['trees and turn their blind
underground eyes skyward, to dream of what they've never
seen. For seven long years thcy churn in the ground their
bodies white and tendcr, scrapc their way through soil on
two scythed arms, with serrated edges. Alter scven years of
silence and darkness, thcy dig out from the soil and climb
Lhe bark of a tree. During thc cover ol'night. In the morning
there is nothing but a dry husk. 'l'he cicadas with newly
patterned brittle wings lly ofl'to other trees wherc they sit in
the sun and shriek their songs, as long as lhere is light.
They have only scven days to f'lnd a mate and complete their
cycle so they shriek and hum and rattle and saw, with their
bellows in their chest. '['hey ncvcr shut up.
I have nevcr seen a cicada. I have never heard them
cry. What I know about them may be hcarsay. lt's a questi<ln
of belief.
 An tmmigrant Story Wittr a Happy Ending

Mukashi, mukashi, omukashi Nothing is

impossible. Within reason, of course.
Part three. Everything that is missing or lost or caught
between memory and make believe or forgotten or hidden
or sliced from the body like an unwanted tumour.
Or
A longing, a desire for.

Forgetting or remembering something that never happened.

Wondering when does one thing end and another begin?
And if you can separate the two.

Part three.

The missing part.

159
(Murasaki: Obachan. 0bachan, help. Itclp mc.

Naoc: Ara, whaL is i[ child?

Murasaki: Sometime s ['m so lonely I almost can't stand

it. I 65et this ache here, and here, and t gct this
wobbly tremor in my throat" and it makes mc feel
lihe I'll start crying and never stop again.

Naoe:Murasaki, it's the pain of growing up.

Murasaki: Ilow can I be growing up still? I'rn almost

thirty.

Naoe: What then, you thinh some day you stop growing
up?'l'hat's the day you dic. 'l'he pain is hard,
but it is important. Yuu'll see.

Murasaki: I don't want to hear lhat now. A]l I can see is

this avdul pain inside.

Naoe: And you will be strong.

161
162
Murasaki: I can't.
Naoe: Yes, Murasaki.
Murasahi: I can't.
Naoe: I)on't be LDagamamol l)o you think you arc the
onlv pcrsorr who bcars the ache of loneline ss?
Foolish child! You arc a chikl still, if you think so.
Murasaki: Basy to be tough whcn you'rc nincty-seven.
'l\,vo hundred and seven lbr all I know.
Naoe: Nlurasaki, it only gcts hardcr and harder.
Murasahi: '['hen I might as well die.
Naoe: Yes, yr-lu rnight as wcll.
Murasaki: 0bachanl
Naoc: l)o want rne to hold your hand lbrcvcr? I
_vou
wouldn't be doing you a lavour. You stand on )'our
cswn. llarui lnLo yuwanai ltara.
Murasahi: How can I go on? Putting words in pooples'
mouths. In yours, mine, rlistorting.
]-at)u: Che!rNhat, a suddcn attack o['conscience? |
could be putting words in your rnouth lbr all you
knolv.
Murasaki: Ileally'?
163
Naoe: OI'course.
Murasaki: llut I can't even como up with a ncw idea. A
new story. It just turns ovcr on itself, ovcr and over
again.
Naoe: l)on't be vain. No onc'has a new idea. An in{lnite
number oflmonkcvs. And all tirat shit.
Murasaki: 0bachan!Where have you been picking up
lani5uage like that?
Naoe: Murasaki, it has always been around. lVhy do
yoo amaeru to me all the time? I don't want to
coddle you forever.
Murasaki: Who else can I amaeru Lo'?
Naoe: Your Mom, maybe?
Murasahi: You've got to be kidding!
Naoc: '['hcre a-re slrangcr things done be neath thc
midnight sur.
Murasahi: What! Arc vt.ru in thc Yuhon?
Naoe: Mattaku, don't bc so litcral, Murasaki. I think
we've exhaustcd l-his convcrsation!
Murasahi: AlI right, all ri65ht already.)
154 155

Murasaki Mom stopped weavilg and opcned her eycs.

"Pu.rple." She started swaying again.
I
It was a strangc winter ol'snorv like Iish scales. 'l'here wasn't I
Purplc, I thought. Purple as thought as mood as
a chinook the whole three months I stayed at home to care amethyst, yuck! As blood as eggplant as grapes so swollen
for Mom and I ncvcr venLured outside except to buy round puurrrrrple. IImm mmm.
groceries. Once evcry two rvocks, I sent Dad to Calgary with "Why do you suppose 0bachan called mc purple?'
ul
a list of items to buy a[ t]rc Oriental l'ood Store. Sushi always tlon't know. Could be a number of rcasons.'
sent back a box of strawberry-flavoured Pocky lbr rne. 0n "So what woulrl your gucss bc?" I asked softly, so she
the housc. I would cat the whole box of biscuit sticks dipped wouldn't cnd the convcrsaLion.
in strawberry chocolate whilc I watchcd "lliplcy's llelieve It uPlease
don't stop brushing.'
0r Not'on'l'V. uOh, sorry.
So can you tell me what she might have
Just me and N{om ir
the winl"cr housc ol'crcahing walls meant?"
and cobweb corners. I read boohs I fbund in the attic from uWell, it might be her favourite
colour.'
the last peoplc who livcd in it. Actually, the house wasn't uOh.' Disappointed.
"'l'hat's all, huh."
uOr. .
always hcre. It was originally built in Iligh lliver and ' .n

someone had had the whole creaking mess hauled on a u0r what?'
flattred truck in the middle of thc night. 'l'hc belly of the uWell, there was a woman named Murasaki
Shikibu
house getting so much strcss that thcy couldn't squeeze it born in the late tenth ccntury Japan."
back together again. l'racLurcs and wrinklcs all ovcr the uThis sounds more promising."
house so the wind never stoppcd trlowing through. 'l'here uShe
is the I'rst person to write a novcl. As far as we
were books in the attic, and sometimcs strangc phot.os know,' Mom arnended. "V\/cll, not a novcl in thc Westcrn
would fall out of the walls when thc wind shooh thcm too sense, because it was written on scrolls but shc was the lirst
hard. person to write a long picce o1'prosc that was in fact a story
It wasn't like we wcrc sudrlcnly best. Iricnds. lt wasn't and not just a diar-v l.hing or somc sort of' [csson."
uWoW that's cool.'
that we forgot everything unsaid. 'l'hosc thrce monlhs were
uAnd not only that,' Mom
a neutral zone and wc could Lalk of quiet things out loud. continucd, warming to the
*Mom,' I was sitting on her bed, leaning against the subjcct, "she is considered to be the first pcrson ever to
headboard. Shc sat in l'ront o['mc and I was brushing her creatc thc an tihcrr-t."
uWow. Ilave you
hair. rcad the book?'
uYes?" uA
shc said dreamily. Ilcr body weaving with evcry long time ago."
stroke of thc brush. uWhat's it
callcd?"
"!\trat" does Murasaki rnr:an?" "Genji Monogatari."
't 56
"What does that mcan?"
*lloughly, 'fhe 'l.aLe
of Genji."
uWhat's it
about?"
"You're full of questions, arcn'l you.'
uWell, I want to gct
as many in as I can, in case you
stop answering,' I sav, brushing her hair with long even
strohe s.
"'Ihat's practica l. Genji Monogatari is about
nobleman named Genji and his lil'e at court. and his various
adventure s wiLh ladies."
"0h.' l)isappointed again. "l(inda lilie an anchorcd
royal Love Boat with a Ilirohito'l'om Jones?"
uThe thlngs you
come up with! Don't make judgements
until you've rcad it, lVIuricl. Actually, if you can rcad bcneath
the surface, il, givcs an ar;hing account o['what lif'c was liire
lor womcn of court in [he elcvcnLh ccnturv.'
"Sorry. I wonder il'thcy'll havc it in the Nanton
Iibrary?'
uMaybe l-t'y the
urivcrsity.'
"l think I will. 'l'hanlis. ls l"hcre anything spcciaI you
want- for suppcr'?'
"Mnrrnmnl. Anythfurg vou mah0 is I'ine , Muriel."
She thumped rlown the stairs, lhc rug ltat and hard where
evcryone placcd their lcct. Ilcr grandmothcr's chair still in
thc hall. Morc than a rvoodcn l)rcscnce. It wasn'L contoured
with carvcd sivirling arms, or curvcd {ix' the body. lt had a
flat back with no ornamentation and no armrcsts to offer
meager com[ort. A simplc chair with only a hint of'a
concavc Lhe old wo[lan's buttoclis had worn awav over two
167
decades of perseverance. 'l'hc chair was in an awkward
position so it was even a greater disturbance to walk around
because there was no onc sitting in it. 'Ihc young woman
reached out to touch ilre seat ol'thc chair, but pulled back
her hand belbre conLact. Shivered. Steppcd carefully arould
it and into the kitchen. 'l'he wind slid through the space
befween floor and wall, minutc cracks around the window
a frames. She chechcd thc clook above the sinh, {ive Lhirty-six.
lt was allcady dark oul"sidc. Shc crossed hcr barc arms and
vigorously rubbed her icy skin wit.h her hands, brisklv, up
and down, but it only made the surl'aoc warrner lirr an
instant, then was snatched arvay with a suddcn gust that
made l"he windorvs rattlc.'l'oo carly to start supper, Loo latc
to start a booh, shc decided to r,vatch the news fbr hali'an
hour.
From the living room, shc could sec lhrcc of the four
walls of the house, and the windows and the view they
offered. She bent down to switch on the tclevision, wherr
somcthing swillcd on t.he edge of her sight, jus[ outside the
Iiving room window. She whirlcd around, but thc rnovement
stayed beyond her focus. 'l'hc girl I'clt somcthing rvhish by
agah, and she twistcd to just miss somcthing swirl past" Lhc
dining room. She spun li'om window, to window, to catch the
movcmcnt with her cyes, but it whirled on anrl on, circlhg
the house in diz'r,y spirals, the girl spinning and spinning,
always one turn too skrw to cvcr scc. 'l'he ground t"ippin65
and sliding beneath ht:r {'cct, hcr t:ycs rvatcrcd with nausc.a.
She stumblcd to thc hall, rvas dlarvn to hcr 0tlachan's chair.
Thc only stcady objcct in tlrc hcaving of'thc housc. 'l'hc
Iloortloards [urched bcncalh hcr f'cct, l"hc wa]ls stretched
thcn waned, a hct.l"[c, a toastcr, []rc vacuunt clcaner spinning
in l.he air. Dead bodics o['nroths spirallcd oll'the I'loor to
r-
158
mimic a patterned flight. She reached for the back of the
chair with a shaking hand. With a single touch, everything
was still.'l'he toaster, back on thc liitchen counter, the hettle
on the stove. 'lhe vacuum cleaner ncstled in the bottom of
the closet. Dead moths hcaped in the corners of the hallway.
The girl turnerl jerkily, the backs o1'her knees bumping the
seat of lhe chair, her hcart beating so loudly it scattered her
breath in her chest. She tooh a long shuddering gasp of air
and held it in her lungs. Sat down with dread and longing.
She felt her body mold into the shape, the contour of
the chair. IIer legs shrinking to srving above thc lloor, her
hngers curling into bulging bone. Iler buu.ocks curved ilto
the hollow r:arved out ol'thc scat.. u'l'his chair l'eels just
right,' she whispered, in a Goldilock's voicc. Shc sat in the
cold hallway and wasn't troubled rvith any thoughts. Just sat
and watched the seeping wind pat"tern dust on the icy
floorboards. Sat for moment"s or dccades wit"hout knowing or
even caring.
Loclked up with a start.. llcr silcnt mothcr, looming in
the darkncss. She stood at the togl of the stairway, so dark
the girl couldn't mahe out her cycs, her tips. Only the cotton
pale gleam of her grandmother's nem,alti.
u0bachan, you'll ruin your
cycs, sitting in the dark like
this. If you're going to insist on sitting in thc hall, at }easr
turn on the Iights. llcally, I wish you'd have morc sense!"
"Denki nanka iranai yo. Yokei na oseu)a," the young
woman said, and shuddercd. 'l'he hair standing on her arms
and neck, shudtiered so hard lhat she could f'eel pee
trickling down her thigh. Her mothcr just sighed noisily and
thumped back to her bedroom. 'l'he girl sat in the chair
without moving.
't59
"You mean your Obachan toolt oDer your body?" you ask.
"No, lhat's not it at aLl. lt nasn't a thing of tahing ouer-
more oJ o coming loget.her. Or a returning. I don't know. I
might euen be making tlti^s all up tts I go along." I irnpatiently
scrounge lhrough the deep freezefor my emergenry package
of cigarettes.
"Whal are ylu ktoltingfitr?"
"A package o;f smoltes. I ltnow I had a pack rd smokes in
here."
"Anoneeee," you say, scratching the back oJ your head in
embarrassment, "l might haue smolted them lasl Sunday
when you were oul.'
I spin around. "What do you mean, 'l might haue.'? You
did or you didn't. lJnless you'Lse put sont,e in yourself and
smoked your own." You shake your head.
"Jeslts," I sigh, roll my eyes. "ll's too blootly cold rtut to
get in the car let alone driue to the store."
"You wanl me t0 g0 gel ylu some?"
"l,lah, I'm not that batl. Maybe I'lL bake some cook,ies or
somelhing. Iteel a bit reslLess."
"lJecause oJ'your ghost story?" you ash, opening eyes
wide in jeur ur skeptit:L;rrt.
"lt's doesn'l haue to be a ghost story. Unless you thinh it
Ls. [t's a question ef beilef."
170 171

Naoe (Naoe: Murasaki-chan?

Ahhh, nothing like a nice tutr flull of steaming water. You Murasahi: llal2
can't take a proper bath unless the water is so hot you have
to tease yoursell'into it, onc toe at a time . So hot, the water, Naoe: My, such a quick henji!
your skin l'eels like pins and necdlcs, all pricklv and itchy. If
you scratch the surface ol'your shin, big fat rcd welts plump Murasahi: l'vc dccided it wouldn't do mc any harm tcl
up in the heaL. Funny how one language has words for some be politc somctimcs.
things and not words for others. lvatcr, I can say, and who is
to hnow if I mean hot or cold. Furny limits to what I say and Naoe: So you have bccn talking with your mother?
what is undcrstood. Mizu,l'll say, and I'll gct a cold glass of
water, maybe pulled up from a wcll ln a bucket on the end Nlurasaki: /ial.
of a long we t ropc. Oyu, l'll say, and someonc will surcly fill
the tub with steaming hot watcr. Ycs, Iimits to sourds and Naoe: Ald you had your cars cleaned?
utterances, always something misconstrued. Water, I'll say,
and I never know what I'll get. Murasaki: l1al.
Itunny how you can live so long and not have a new
idea for years at a time. Irinding yourself measuring the time Naoe: I'm glad. A daughtcr should bc closc cnough to
past by how old your child begins to look. And stilt so much havc hcr ears cleanr:rl bv hcr mutht:r.
to do. Surely, time can bc spcnt wondering whal" will be
eaten for supper, but aftcr Lhal" rneal is in the belly, lvhere Murasaki: 'l'hat rvould gross out. a lot ol pcople, you
will people turn their thoughts to'? Scl srnug in the order of know.
animals. Wc are thc top ol'the animal kingdom, no! We are
superior to the animal kingdom bccausc w0 are capable of' Naoc: I supposc it's culturally spccific.
thinlring. Che! \Nho can lrnow when lhe last human being
had a thought, sullt:rior or othcnvisc'? Murasalii: NoL to rncntiun appal a I'crv doctrtrs.
No one thinlis they arcn't thinking. Such lbolish vair
selfish creatures we are. And I'rn not. ono to lbol mysell'. I Naoc: Wcll, you carr't plcasr) cvcryone.
can be lulled by a plate lull ol'crcamy lobstcr, a tub lull ol'
hot oyu. Redundant usage. Murasaki: So l'm Irnding.

Naoe: N{urasaki-chan?
172 173

Murasahi:1/ai2 Murasalii: Lhhhhhh.

Naoe: I want to hear you tell a story.
Murasaki: What? I can't tell a story. Out loud. I wouldn't
even know where to begin. You're supposed to be
the one telling stories to me. You know, the
grandmother telling stories ol'the past to the avidly
listening grandchild and all that.
Naoe: Have you listened to me? IJave you heard my
stories?
Murasaki: I/ol.
Naoe: So come, tell me a wonderflul story. I am sitting
in a hot bath, up to my neck in silky heat. A story
now will rush to m.y hcad and make it spin like no
sake, no shochu.
Murasaki : V[hat's s h (tch u?
Naoe: Always askini4 questions.'l'hat's a good wa-v of
lcarning things, but I'm still waiting.
Murasaki: Ohay, already. Ilcre goes, but promise not tn
Iaugh.

Naoe: And you enjoycd Lhcmi'} Naoe: I promise.)

Murasaki:I1ai.
Mukashi, mukashi, omuhoshi. - -

Naoe: And don't you Lhinli storics arr: sharcd. 'l'hat

there is a partnership in the tclling and listening,
that il" is ol equal irnportance? (Murasalii: 0bachan?

Murasaki: Well, il'you put it that way, I suppose you're
right.
Naoe: Vlurasahi-chan, wc havc only comc part way in
Lhe telling and Lhc lis[cning. We rnusL troth bt: ablc
tetl. We must bolh be able to listen. If the positions
becomr: static, there can nover be stories. Storics
grow out o1'stories grorv out of stories. [,istenfurg
becomcs telling, Lclling listening.
Naoe: Ilai?
Murasaki: I don't think l'm rearlv.
l"o Naoe: 0h. Whcn rvillyou be rcady, child'?
Murasaki: Soon. Vcrl' soon. lJut promisc you'll bc rvith
mc when I start. It's vcry lrightening and what iI I
gct stuch or somcthing?
174
Naoe: T[ust me. I'll be there. And if you falter, t witl fill
in the words for you until you are ready again.
Murasaki: Can we do that?
Naoe: Murasaki-chan, we can do almost anything.)
uFurmy thing, that. You call your m,ago, Murasaki, and teII
me to call you Purple. IVhy do you suppose?" Tengu asks,
cupping lukewarm water in his palms and letting it slide
down the bones of my spine.
'Ara!When did you come in? I didnt even notice you
getting in the tub!'
"I heard you talking and I wanted to listen,' he says,
glances at my eyes. uI hope I haven't offended you or
anything.'
"Ehhh, well I guess it's all right. You listened so quietly,
I didn't even hear you.'
uSo,
who is Murasaki and who is Purple?'
"The words are different, but in translation, they come
together.'
uSo you're
a translation of Murasaki and Murasaki is a
translation of you?" Tengu touches my back with a furgertip,
his palm, stroking downward. I lean slowly back.
uThat's one reading of it,' I say. My eyes are sleepy, but
my skin is warming inside the cooling water.
uls there more than one?'he whispers.
"Always.'
"Do you want to fuck?'
ulet me translate the answer with my body.'
175
Murasaki
It's an easy thing to hate your mother when you arc cleven
and living in what you can onl_v see as agricultural hell. It
was a time when I camc to realize that the shape of my face,
my eyes, thr: colour of'my hair allbcted how pt:oplc trcaled
me. I never felt diflcrcnt until I saw the looh crossing
peoples' faces. I don't hnorv i{'it's better to come l.o realize,
or not rcalize at all. Whcn ldidn't know, Iwas happily
innocent. Whcn I finally notice d, thc rneasure of my
discontcnt kncw no ttoundarics. Old llichard 'l'hird wasn'l
the only one in the wirter of'his lii'e.
Mom hnew from the sl.art. She kncw lrom the start but
all she chosc to do rvas hidc bcncath a {lull\, woolly skin of a
white shcep.'l'his rvas her only saletl. She chose the great
Canadian rnelting pot and I had to live with what. she ladled.
I thumpcd up thc porch, l.wo sl,cps al" a time, and
slammcd thc screen door opcrr, tumbling inside.
"Ara!" Obachan said. "/)d.s/r ilun,o?'
She was sitl.ing in her chair, lihc alwa5,s. 0ur sentinel.
Our proteotress. Such an uncornfortable w<loden chair, and
she never used a cushion. [[er fcet dangling above the I'kror.
No windows to sce outsidc, just the small pane of pcel-and-
stick plastic "stained glass" in thc' diamontl-shapcd framc in
the door.'loo high up to soc uut o['. Isat t:arefirlly in her lap
. and put my arms around hcr thin nccli. Shc smiled up at me
and stroked my long straight hair.
"Guess rvhat, 0bachan? I'vc bccn given Lhe lead in our
school opcrctta! I gel" to pla5,thc part o['Alicc il Wondcrland
and I havc tons and lons o{' lines to memorize, but isn't. it.
great? [ got the lead!'
"likor:hu!' She cupperl hcr scratchy palm beneath my
176
chin, her fingers curving along my chcck. I kissed her.
Jumped up and ran into the kitchen.
"Mom! Mom! Guess rvhat!"
"What, Muriel? I wish you wouldn't slam the door.'
"I've bccn chosen to play the part of Alice in the school
0peretta!'
uOh holv wonderful!' Morn looked up from thc
accounts she had been tloin5g and pushed her glasses up
with her forelinger. Shc patted my shoulder awhwardly. "l'm
so proud ot'you. You have such a lovcly voice and now
everyone will hear you sin64. I have to call your Iathcr."
uThere's a mccting f or the moms tomorrow after
school, okay?' t nibblcd a piecc ol'rny hair.
uof course, dear,' Mom said. ul'll be right on time.'
Morn carne right on t"inrc, wilh hcr 6;oir15-out purse and
pumps. Shc had done her hair in rollcrs, and the lat curls
made her head look two times bigger than it rcally was. ller
eyebrows wcrc newly pluchcd and pcnciled in darker than
the origiral colour.
"So goorl of you to corne, Mrs. 'lkrn Kasu. lVe are so
proud of'our [ittlc Muriel. Such a lovcly singing voice, who
would have thought?" Mrs. Spear bcamed at my Mom. She
tugged my Mom's elbow and drerv her to the sidc. She
looked sideways, this and l"hal", rvith thc whitcs ol'her eyes,
rolling, and lorvcred her voicc into a whispcr. Icdged in
closcr.
u'l'here is a mattcr of' dclicacy I want to speak to
vou
about."
"Of coursr)," Mom said, srnilirrg.
"Wcl[, it's the rnat-tcr ol'your daughter's hair. You see,
the part shc is playing, you know thc story of Alicc in
Wondcrland, don't you?"
177
Mom shook her head apologetically.
uWell, Alice is a
story about an English girl, you know.
An English girl with lovely blonde hair. And strictly for the
play, you understand, Muriel rvill have to have blonde hair
or no one will know what part. she is playing. You simply
cannot have an Alice with black hair'.'
I uof course,' Mom nodded, to my growing horror. ult's
I
in the naturc of theatre and costumc, is it not?"
uof course!' Mrs. Spear beamed. ul knew you would
understand. I was thinking of'a nice blonde wig. They make
such nice wigs these days, no one will notice a thing. YYhy,
they'll think there's a new child in school who is star
I
I
I material! You must be so proud.'
l "We could dye hcr hair. I believe there are dyes that
t wash out in a fcw months or so. 'l'hat way, Muricl carr really
grow into her role as Alicc. Shc can live and be Alice bclore
opening night!'
"Mrs. 'lon Kasu! You arc so cooperativc. I wish my
other mothers were more lihe you. Why I rvas just telling
Mrs. Rogowshi hcr daughter should lose at lcast ten pounds
before thc play, and she just up and lcft in a till'. Pulling her
daughtcr aftcr her. Poor dcar, whcn she was so looking
forward to being in l"he play."
I was horrificd, 1\4om and Mrs. Spear chatting away and
dye my beautilul black hair blondc? Me with blondc hair
. and living Lhe role of'Alicc? [n Nanlon? What could my Mom
be thinking? I would looh ridiculous and stand out like a
freali.
uMorn!" I hisscd. "NI{)rn, I changcd my rnind. I don't
want to be Alicc anymorc. I'll be t.hc Mad llatter, that way, I
can just wear a hat. 0r the Chcshire Cat! Cats have slanted
eyes. That woukl work out. Mum?"
178
She just ignored me and chatted with Mrs. Spear, about
costume and hair dyes and suitable diets for actors. 0n the
way home from school she stopped at the drugsiore and
dragged me inside. To discuss rhe merits of hair rinse over
henna with Mrs. Potts.
We had baked ham for dinner that night, because Mom
was so proud of me. Dad just smiled and poured me a small
glass of sherry. It was sticky and cloyingly sweet. I nodded
and sipped and ate dry slices of meat with burnt pineapple
rings. Obachan in her chair by the door, her voice as
constant as the wind. She would stick her head out now and
then, and wink and smile at me from the other end of the
hall. Mom and Dad didn't nol.ice her or pretended not to.
They ate their chunks of burnt special-occasion ham and
blackened pineapple garnish.
She never sat at the table with us, we never ate
together. 0bachan had a lray of food brought upstairs for
her to eat in bed. Long after we had finished our JeII-O and
weak milk tea. But she hardly ever ate what Mom had
cooked for her. 0bachan ate treats she had hidden in her
fuesser drawcrs and threw the dry meat out the window for
the coyotes who waited every evening.
Mom excused me from washing dishes, just for this
one time. I went upstairs, saying something about a
headache, and heard Mom telling Dad it was because I was
so excited. I went inside my room and did-n't turn on the
lights. Lay down on my bed and watched the growing
shadows creeping across the ceiling.
I shivered awake, the room all black and I didn't know
if it was today or tomorrow. I was lying on my bed with all
my clothes on and the house was silent. Creaking. And I
noticed it. A warm wetness beneath my bum. 0h god. . . I
had wet my pants! I had pccd my pants! I jumped up and
179
flicked on the tight. My powder blue blanket was stained all
copper brown. Diarrhea? Shit my pants? lVhat? 0h my god.. .
it was blood. I was haemorrhaging. Dying. Bleeding to
death. I unbuttoned my jeans and slid dovr.n the zipper'
Thumbed my panties down with my ieans and stared. There
was lots of blood. Certainly, it was too much blood. I didxt
know I was whimpering, standing there with blood plipping
between my legs.
oMurasaki-chan? Doshita! Sonna koe dashite?'
"Obachan! Obachan, I'm bleeding to death. CaII Mom
or the ambulance or something.'Started guiping back tears.
uDore, misetegoran," and she crouched beside me. I
was frightened and didn't want her to see, but she saw my
bloody panties, the blanket on my bed.
"Yohatta! Yappari. Shinpai iranai yo. Tbuki no rnono ga
hajimattan da yo. Onna ni daiiina, daijina koto yo." She
smiled gently, warmly, and I knew cverything was all right.
uoh,'I smiled through my tears. "Is that all.'
"SOyu koto!" Obachan took a clean pair of underwear
out of my dresser and led me to the washroom. She helped
me out of my bloody ones and set them in Lhe sink. She
rummaged in the cupboard and came out with a rectangular
white paper wad. There was an adhesive strip dornrr the
middle covered with a strip of paper. She tugged it off and
stuck the bandage in the crotch of my panties.
. uOh," I said. And put them on. 0bachan turned on the
tap, adjusting the hot and cold, once twice, three times,
checking the temperature on the inside of her lwist. She
gently took my hand and held my wrist beneath the flow of
water. The temperature was so nearly that of my body I
couldn't tell if it was warm or cool. Only the sensation of
water running on my wrist. Oblchan held the panties ulder
the stream and the blood washed from the cloth like magic.

180
0nly a faint stain was left. She wrung it out and tossed it in
the laundry hamper.
"Oide!" and took my hand again. I felt happy, I don't
know why.
uObachan, what's going
on out there? We're trying to
get some sleep you know. Have a little consideration!' Mom
yelled from her room. Dad groaned, only waking up because
she had been yelling across his head.
0bachan and I, we giggled as we went into her
bedroom. She hadn't been asleep at all, her lights were on
and there was silky paper with characters vwitten in black
ink.
u\4rhatchya
vwiting, 0bachan? A ietter or something?" I
asked wistfully. Wishing that seeing was the same as
reading. She shook her head and started digging in her
closet where she had a huge pile of boxes stacked one on
top of another. Pointed to one in the middle and gestured for
me to get it out.
"Sure, no problem,'I muttered. "Mom's going to have a
conniption fit, whatever that is, if these boxes start failing
dor*m." But I managed to get it down with little noise and
opened up the four flaps. 0bachan hunkered beside me and
Iifted out Japanese newspapers, magazines, a few smaller
boxes, and a cloth bag with something in it. She took the
smallest box, covered in patterned paper, and the little sack
tied with string. Lifted the lid of the box and I peered inside,
thinking of jewels and treasures. There was nothing inside
except some beans. A burgundy-ish reddish bean with a
small mark where the root would eventually come out.
Then, she opened the cloth sack, folding the top back on
itself so I could see inside. Roundish white seeds lay inside.
*Beans, huh,' I
stuck my hnger in the box to stir them
arould. uAnd rice. That's nice. 0bachan.'
't81
"Tada no mame to home ianaiyo," she said sternly.
uSorry.'
She led me downstairs, the wood creak creaking
beneath our feet and we shushed each other and giggled.
Obachan took the beans and soaked them in a bowl of tepid
water. She held up two fingers.
uThey have to soak for two hours, huh.'
I went upstairs to get my blankets and tooh them down
to the large sink in the Iaundry room. Checking the
temperature of the water on my wrist once, twice, three
times to make sure it was the same as my body's. The blood
ran red into *re water, making it a pretty pink. I hummed as
I washed, until Mom stomped on the floor with her heel
from her bedroom above. I could hear Dad moaning
through the floorboards. I wrung out the blankets and hung
them over the washer and dryer, puddles starting to form.
0bachan sat at the kitchen tabie. She was sorting
through the seeds of rice, picking out any that were slightty
black or broken. I sat beside her and helped. I must have
fallen asieep, and only woke up because there was a rich
steamy fragrance in the air that I had never smelled before.
Obiichan stood at the stove, {illing two bowls with something
from a pot. I went to the washroom and tidied my hair.
Washed my face with icy water. When I came back,
0bdchan was already sitting at the table, two bowls of rice
in front of her. But ttre rice was different. It wasn't white, but
a rich purpley reddish colour and there were bean flecks
here and there.
"Omedet6," Obachan reached, cupped my cheek, my
chin, in the palm of her scratchy hand.
uThank you,' I said, and bowed my head. Picked up my
bowl of rice.
-fl--

182 183

"Sekihan," you say. "You eat it for other special occasions He taught I'lower arranging and the arL of thc .lapancse tea
too." ceremony for Calgary Continuing Education. llis students
"Oh,' I am a little disappointed. I wanted itfor women werc mostly women who tlttuld only take classes in thc
only. evenings. IIe ditln't rnahe enough money doing this, so hc
"I can make it.' workecl as a night watchpcrson ['or exlra pay. I dclivered
"Really?" Beginning to perk up. "I would ktue to haue pre-rlawn newspapers and wc'd lic togcLhcr when thc days
somg" werc bright and glowing.
"V[/hat utill we celebrate?" you ask. I circled my hnger on his srnooth belly, ticklcd his feet
"Don't worry I'll think of something," with rny toes. Ile was all slccpy and warm and the sun a
"What do you want to do while rue soak the beans for fine thin cttmlbrler.
two hours?' "l'd like to spcah wit.h your 0bichan sontctinle,' he
"You haue to ash?" said drorvsil.y.
uY0uarc...."
But he was aslecp.

ult's
"This is great,' I nrulflcd. t.hrough swect purple ricc'
almost as good as what Obachan made lbr rne, that one
time."
"So what arc wc cclebrating?" he askcd, scooping up
another bowlfirl of sekihon.
"A love story.'
"Nani?"
uA love story.'1'his lovc story right now. I'm not
embarrassctl. I dt:cidt:d that wtl could bc a love story and be
very proucl about i[,'I was {bcling smug about rnv discovcry.
0f voicin64 it out loud.
"lJoes Lhis mcan we rvill bc married?" he asked,
serious.
"OI'course not. 'Lovc sttlry' antl 'marriagc' side by side
would bc an clxyntoron. Why' nol lingcr in a lttve sl"ory? You
woultl hate bcing marricd to me.' I conf ided, carefully
t"rying to pich out somo bcans f'rom my rice. Avoiding his
face.
 lilr

185
184
I

"My parents are coining to mcet you in thc fall," he
said, watching my eyes.
"\Arhy?"
"Because, lvc'vo been living together. Ilecause I write
letters about you. Ilecause they think wc should gct married
and I think thcy're right.' IIe was serious.
"ls this a proposal?" I asketl, sad, angry, plcased all at
the same time that my thoughts wcre jumtlled and I couldn't
choose my words with carc.
uMurasalii, I didn't think I nccded to ash. I thought this
was a partnership for lil'e."
ulike Canada geesc, huh? Like Nlandarin ducks.'
ul'm not johing,' hc said. llc was getting angry, and I
couldn't blame him.
ul'm not either.' I stoorl up. Clattered my empty bowl in
Especially if I don't hnow what might happcn next' If
something biggcr than just us comes into our lives."
"llut you do that. evcry day," hc said, frustrated with my
inconsistencies. "Ytlu commit yoursell'to what you don't
know every tirne.vou tcil a strlry.'
ul'm committed to this krve story right now. Can't that
be enough?"
uEverything you think of, you have to intcrpret as story.
['m not just a story. You're not just a story. We I'eel and think
anri age anrl learn. II'you hit rnc, it wili hurL. [f y'ou lcave me,
I will cry. You can't just 0rasc thosc things."
ul'm not erasing. l'm re-telling and rc-crcating.' I stood
at the window, tooking outside at the mu{ao pine you have
becn tnin54 to shapc.
u'l'here's no talking to you when you'rc likc this. You're

the sink. the hardest person l've cver lovctl."

uThen why are you hcrc, why are you here right now, "Past tense?"
ul have to go out,' and hc didn't smile.
eating my rice and sleeping with me during the day?'
"llecause I want to. And.you want me [o."
"I iust want you to commit yourself to us," he said.
uThat's what people rlo when they love cach other, isn't it?"
uI am committed to us."
uThan prove it.'
ul'm committcd to us at this rnoment. ltight now. But iI'
you keep bugging me about it, I nright change my mind.'
ul{ow can I trust you il'you can't makc a commitment?
This is a once in a liletime rclalionship. It doesn't get any
better than this. We coultl livc in a Lhousand lil'etimes and
nevcr fild sornething so special again. What m<lre are you
waitin65 for?"
ul'm not waiting lor anothcr lt)vcr, il'that's what you're
worried about. I iust catt't comrnit ml wholc li!'e to you.
185
"Hey," you say, "you're miting up the story with what's really
happening right now in our liues. I don't know if I like that. I
want to be able to separate the stories from our real liues.
y'l/hat we're liuing right now." You wash out the bowk, the
rice cooker and hashi. You are amious and the dishes clatter
noisier than when you are content.
"You can't. The words giue the shape to what will
happen. I,l/hat can happen. I'm telling ourtuture behre it euer
does." I wander into the liuing room, touch the back of the
couch, thumb a rou) of books, run a fi,nger through the dust
on top ofthe black stereo.
"But what if I don't like the future you shape for us?
What about rny say in our future?' You are wiping your
hands on a toruel and your hair k tousled from frustrated
fingers.
I'm finished ilLy story, you can start another d
"y'Then
you u)ant. I will listen as polilely as you haue listened. At
least, I'll try to," I amend.
"I don't know if we should be messing around with our
future. It might be unluchy," you say earnestly.
"Luck has nothing to do with it. Ilell, maybe a little bil,
but mostly, we hold the power to change our liues for
ourselues. I don't want to rely onJate.'
"l,l/hat if-'
I put a finger to your lips and pull you to the floor. Rest
your head in my lap and stroke your hain the louely lines in
your widow's peak.
"Trust m&"
187
I wiped the dishes he left sitting in the draining rack and sat
in front of ttre TV, even though it wasn't on' Thoughts of gift
horses and teeth and Manrlarin ducks. whatever they were.
F'unny how loving and pain are so closely tied together'
When I was younger, I would have died to have thought I
coultl find a man with a widow's peak who cou'ld cook and
love me with commitment. Me, who loved happy endings,
despite myself. Henkutsu. The word lingered' Obstinately
contrary. No, it wasn't just that, though I couldn't think of a
word that described me better. Something tugged at my
heart, my soul, that kept me from staying forever' 0bachan
here. Obachan now. ObAchan then and always'
oTad.aima," he said, sounding tired. I was still sitting on the
couch.
*Hi. tlow were
Your classes?'
*AIl right. I have a few students who show some
promise. What are you doing?' tle dropped down on the
couch beside me. The bitter-green scent of flower stems
seeping from his clothes and hands.
uNothing. Thinking'
"What were You thinking?"
"It occurred to me. That ['ve hnown you since you
arrived at the airport, but you've never taken an English
class at the Y or anything' And you're so fluent, I don't even
, notice an accent
when we're talking together'"
He looked incredulouslY at me.
uBut when I speak with you, I only speak in Japanese'
Jihun d.e wakaranai no? llsumo NihonSo de hanashiteiru
noni.'Rfi6*"
oh.

He leaned back, his head against the rim ol'the bathtub, and
closetl his eycs. She lingered, curling her fingers around his
toes, ancl slroked the bottom of his feet with strong hands.
FIe sighctl. She circled ltis anhles, cuppcd the back of his
calve s with hcr palms, her knees tuckcd bencath her'
straddling his t'eet. Smoothcd hands slich with soap, up the
back of his calves, circled his knees, along his thighs. She
kneaded his legs with her powcrf'ul hands and he I'elt the
tension seeping lrom his body. 'l'he brcath hissed between
his parterl lips. Shc ran one linger up thc skin of his inner
thigh, strokcrl tender-smooth. Ile rnoancd. Shc smiled, and
stretcheri a sure hand. 'lbuch. 'l'he soft skin of a salamander.
He suckcd bach his breath and held, sighed with dismay
when she movcd her hand alvay. Stretched hcr hand again.
Touch. Iouch. Salamandcr smooth. lle held his breath. She
lipped the skin of his belly, tongue slrohing, bit soltly his tiny
nipples. Kissetl him softly on his brow, his chcek, his eyes.
She lifted her pclvis with a small motion, warm water
lapping, thc rnoislure ir her hair, streamin65 down her lace,
breasts, movcd her pelvis over him and tuckcd him deep
inside. 1'hey rocked, slowly and gcntly, the water Iapping
around her thighs, his belly, they roched and slid and he
arched his bacli antl she prcsscd, she pt'esstltl and hisssss ol'
breath releascd. Shc laughcd.
189
THE HERALD
The Multicultural Voices of Alberta, Part 4:
,lapanese Canadians Today
My name is Keiko, but please call me Kay. I've lived in
'likc
Alberta for twenty years and it very much.
Nothing secms moro fragile yot synrbolic of rcsilient [fe
as the wild crocus blooming every spring despite a covering of
ice and snow. ] would never movc to Vancouver to rctrre. Thcrc
are too many Japanesc there who wrsh tley were in Japan. I could
nevcr undcrstand why thosc pcople cver left if they always pine
for the past.
When I decicled to immigratc, I decided to be at home in
my ncw country. You can'! bo everything al once. It is too
confusing for a child to jugglc two culturcs. Two sets of ideals- if
you want a child to have a ncrmtal and acceptcd lifestylc, you
have to hve ikecveryonc clse. 'lhis has nothing to do with shame
in one's own culture, but about being scnsible and rcalistic. lf you
live in Canada, you should live l-rke a Canadian and that's how I
raised my own daughter. lt's vcry simple, really.
That's my advice to ncw immigrants. I've had a happy
and easylile here, and I would never want to livc anywhcre else.
tn" t'::n:r.. Thcsc are my neighbours.
My name is Murasaki. My mothcr calls mc Muncl, but I
out-grow that namc whcn I cantc to rcalize that l came from a
specific cultural background that wasn't Occidental. Whatevcr
that mcans.
I was bom in High River, but I grcw up in Nanton, a small
rural town south of Calgary. Life is hard in Canada, once you
come to an age when you find out that people think ccrtaln thirlgs
o[ you just becausc your hair is black and they have watched
"Shogun, thc Mini Scries." I had a grandmother who could only
speak Japanese, but I never spoke with her bccause I never
leamed the languagc. I wasn't given the chance to choose.
I feel a lot ol bittemcss atxrut how I was raised, how I was
taught to behavc. I had a lot of questions about rny heritage, but
they were never answercd. The placc where wc hved didn't foster
cultural riiffercncc. lt only had room for cultural lntcgration. If
you didn't abide by thc unwrittcn rules of conduct, you werc
alienated as an other, subject to suspicion and mistrust.

It was easy when I was an innocent. I could swallow
everything I was told. I'm not finished asking questions and I
never will be. Home should be a safe place, but there are Limes
when I don't feel safe at all.
And I have to wonder where l live.
Kiyokawa Naoe wa iru. Mukashi mo ita. Korekara nochi
mo iru. Canada wa hiroi. Jitto mimi o sumashite kiite goran,
ironna koe ga kikoeru kara. Kokoro no-mimi o mottetara ne. Do
you know your neighbour? Do you even want to? Will you ever?
If you leave your home and start walking this road, I'11 meet you
somewhere.
Murasaki
Mom got better. She ate food and I brushed her hair and
sometimes, when I felt lonely, I asked her to clean my ears.
One day, she got out of bed and took off 0bachan's nemahi.
Folded it up and put it away in 0bachan's dresser drawer.
She put on her ou.n slacks and blouse and curled her hair in
fat rollers. She plucked her eyebrows and pencilled them in
darker than the original colour. I just watched her, bustling
around, feeling a little sad.
uDo you feei
better, Mom?'
"Yes, I feel much better. Thank you, Muriel.'And that
was that. We didn't talh about Obachan ieaving, or why they
wouldn't taik together. Why they only talked apart. We didn't
talk about why Mom was sick for three months and why she
left important things behind her when they left Japan. I
neyer thought we would have a happy ending, Mom and I,
but I was still sad when it was timc for her to get well again.
Funny how she had to be sick lbr us to be able Lo come to a
19'l
place where we could have some contact. Maybe, I thought,
maybe I can get sick next time.
Mom got better and I went back to school. She still
cooked her lasagna and roast chicken, her blocks of beef,
but sometimes, on a holiday weekend, she would ask me to
whip up something from "my little cook book," as she called
it. And I knew.
ul'm sorry,' he said, uI hope I didn't put you off. I guess I'm
still a little old-fashioned.'We were lying side by side in the
middle of the gianlfuton He snuggled his arms around my
waist from behind. Nestling his face in the fold of my neck.
uMe too.'
"You're old-fashioned too?" he said, sounding hopeful.
uNo, I mean l'm sorry. Though I may be at that. I never
really thought about it. I suppose I'm old-fashioned about
some things, but nol about the marriage thing. That doesn't
mean I'm messing around, but the institution of marriage
isn't rny idea of what a commitment is about. I could be
committed to you liom ten thousand miles away, you know."
uAre you planning on going somewhere?'
uThe idea's been on my mind lately.'
"0h.'
He rolled on to his back and he looked up at the
ceiting. Looked up at dusty thread of cobweb, weaving back
and forth, back and forth, in thc unseen movement of air. I
slid my hands back through his lovely widow's peak.
Followed the bones of his face to cup his jaw in my palm.
There were tears in his eyes. I leaned down to kiss his
cheek, his brow, his eye, tasted his sadness on my tongue. I
reached down and tucked him deep inside me. We rocked
and rocked, slowly, gentiy, the strand of tJrread weaving in
the air aboYe us.
 193

You decide lo leaue, go on a journey, and people will say this

and that. They want to tag you with something so that
questions are neatly ansusered. A reason for euerything uI shouldn't call you 'fengu. You should tell me what you
around them. She's troubled, she's searching for something. want me to call you. tt was presulnptuous t)l'mc,' she said,
Or she's running auay. Not taking it at face ualue. How to hcr arm across his chcst. Shc ran her bath-lyr'inkled fingers
rneasure the cosl? over the smoothness of his bclly. lte reachcd over to the
journey begins inside my head. With thoughts and
The night stand anrl tapped a Nlild Scven out o['a crunrpled pack.
words like my Obachan beJore me. And when I'm gone, qfter Turnerl to hcr and raiscd his evebrows. Shc took it and
I'm gone, I'll send posl cards now and then, so people uon't tucked it above her ear. lle l.appcd out anothcr and lit it with
haue to worry. the hotel matches.Ilotel llegis.
"When I was little, nry dad was a ranch hand, a
foreman, anrl we livcd out wt:st, in thel fbothills. Ile'd lvake
ffi up before dawn and blootty cold out, so early in l"he morning
,;) 4? /-t- /
and fresh out ol'bed, and haul fced to thc bulls and drive a
few of thosc huge round balcs ol'hay out to thc lar pasture
1.- k ,, y , ,l * i,,, (. and milk the cows and check thc coop fbr sorne lresh warm
"".{..4
K. {c'vtkc<}>,A- - eggs, blue ones, we hatl guinea hens, and kick thc old
{:*e1;,r,;i fut:Iir,r
turkey {br hissing too closcly and be back insidc after a good
*.l*t *t 1 1 1 /.;r t't rl 6rx zSoi) three hours of solid w{lrh, thc sun wouldn't cven be peeping
if ''tt4,i', iri,.t
,
Nnnlort A tS over thc low scrub of thc foothills. Ile'd come back inside,
.lr/rr.r, n- 't t) / t
'l
his flesh all chillcd and press his cold nosc ir my neck and
I'd squeal and run into his girlfricnd's and his bcdroom and
C&ISSPY TJIH'9ry6U BNO STAVPEAE
!-r;t .: _i& t)- -
irr, \12:t2tt t:.ttittjt z.) ;.t'.,iie' ,ll::rliia:
:-\r:air .)ri i:^Ptt': 4 o.: ?-:t^:ll ::J:r! .1
dt{ !:..?,r): 1rt. :jt:,al
e* snuggle besirle her and shc'd stich hcr head out ovcr lhe
covers, shc tikerl to slcep with hcr head bencath them, and
say, You done the chorcs? Yup, hc'd say, and toss me up in
the air and let me lall to thc bed and ['d laugh and laugh.
Come on, he'd say. Go wash your lacc and gct dresscd, son.
It's pretty ncar al'ternoon. And I wcnt to wash up and I could
smell coffce perking on the gas stove all hot and brown-
smelling and thc blue e65gs crached and the yolks so yellow
all stirred up and scrarnbled and t}rc f1oor of the balhroom
icy bcneath my bare {'ect, the srnell of'Janct burning toast,

Dad stirring thc cggs. I wet my hair and parted it down the
middle, bul" I couldn'L gct thc onc cowlick llat and I put on
my new jeans and old corvboy boots and my going-out shirt
and tried to wet down my hair again but no, it just wouldn't
stick. .lanet, in her blue housccoat with one pochet ripped
offso therc is a square patch of darlicr bluc where it used to
be and Dad still smelling hay srvcct of cow shit and and the
sound ol'crearn scparal"ing fi'orn milk downstairs. I ate two
pieces of toast and c5;gs with kctchup and a cup of coffee
because Dad was ncvcr onc lbr rnaking a luss about age and
what I could and couldl'[ do so as long as it was legal. Art:
you excited about your first day of school, son? hc asked.
Janct loohcd up li'orn her toast. dippcd in sweet" co{Ice, Sure
glad it's you and not me. I only, had to go 'til grade six in my
time. Who hnows, thou64h. You rnight likc it" IIer hair was
still mussy but a protly brown colour with rcd shining. I
dunno, I said, I guess so. lJut I rnusl. have been somelhilg
becausc I had another cup of'coffcc. 'l'he bus came whilc it
was still dark outsirlc and I was thc only onc in it because
we lived farthest ouL {i'om anyone else who was going to
school and we had to drive, mc anri tle bus driver, Ibr half
an hour beforc anyone else got on, the drivcr, Ed, yawning
five times, I countcd. l'inally getting light outside and
stopped at t"he Lazy S Ranch to pick up the Samson sisters,
but thcy rvere older Iiids and didn't cven look at nle, sitting
in thc vcrl lront, .iust slouched past to sit in the baok. And
we stopped morc olten, ottrcr ranchcs and Iarm houses and
all the kids sil.Ling in the back hall o1'thc bus and I learned
that no one sil"s in the fronl" through choice and there are a
couple kids I knew from thc odd rvcdding and 4-H cattle
sales, but we were shv and too ncrvous to talk on Lhc bus,
getting closer to school and what kind of'teacher would I
195
get? Getting more nervous, the coffee in my gut all squishy
sloshy and making me burp and l'd never gone to
kindergartr:n because we lived too Iar out lbr me to come in,
especially drivcn, Ibr half a day o[ crayon and counting, axd
wishing I was at home sleeping between l)ad and Janet on
their lumpy bed smelling like hornemadc buttcr and swect
cow shit. We got to school and I waited until everyone got
off first, then I just sorta {ollowed cveryone inside, only
everyone dispersed to dill'ercnt rooms and I didn't know
where I was supposed to be but I didn't want [o ask a grorvn-
up. The bell rang and I kncw that meant I was supposed to
bc somewhere, so I just sidlcti into this roorn and it was full
of bigger kids, siLting in desks, and a tcacher with yellow
hair and blue eycs bent dorvn so his face rvas right above
mine and srniled rvith ycllow tecth. A lbrv kids snickered
and I heard someonc said, I beL you hc pees his pants. My
face felt all hot and fat and my new jcans tight on my coffee
tummy. The yellow man asked me in a too loud voice, \{hat
grade are you in? What's your name? I gulped, and said,
Grade one. Nly narnc is Sun. 'l'hc whole class room burst out
laughing, and I heard onc of'the Samson sistcrs. 1'hat's
funny, thc yellow hair tcacher said, that sounds like a
Chinese name, but you don't lottk Chincsc. Are you sure
that's your name? Yes, I said {irrnty. I)ad always calls me
Sun. I sce, said lhe tcachcr. And rvhat's your [ather's namc?
Dad! ol'coursc, I said. F)vcryonc rvas slrrickin6; rvith laugltter
and my eycs {elt all mcltl' anrl my throat I'clt all hot and
throbby. Even the tcacher rvas laughing. l"inalty, hc said,
Son is not your name. [t means a boy child. Your dad calls
you son because he is your Iathcr. l)ad means l"hc same
thing as fathcr. Do you understand? And everything swrng
around and words and namcs all srvirling and bang, they
 V
196
smacked into place so that something I had known and
trusted was really a solid wall that I could run into and I
puked my two cups of coffee and breakfast all over the
teacher's shoes and Janet came to pick me up in the crew
cab and I lay on the seat with my head in her lap and she
patted my back."
He snubbed out his third cigarette and looked over at
her. She was lying on her back, palms of her hands facing
upward, her fingers slightly curled and relaxed. He thought
she was asleep.
uSo you
don't have a name,' she said, without opening
her eyes.
"Something like that. I'm not even sure.'
*You must be lonely.'
"Only when I'm with other people."
"Are you lonely now?' she sat up and leaned against
the headboard. Reached up for the cigarette tucked above
her ear. He struck a match for her and shook it out instead
of blowing.
uNot so bad with you. Your stories, they're something
more than hollow shape and I can almost catch that feeling I
had before my first day at school."
"You told a good story now," she thoughtfully tapped
the ashes.
He smiled slowly.
"You keep changing, you know,' she said. "0r how I
translate you. I don't know who you are from one moment to
the next. Are you still the same person who can sukoshi
speak Japanese or was that something I made up on my
own?"
He looked at her in amazement, his eyebrows raised,
and eyes wide open.
197
"What do you mean? Ei6o hitoxu mo hanashitenal to
otnou kedo. Haven't we been talking Japanese all along?'
0h.
Murasaki
People always want to hear a happy story. Something with a
warm-hearted ending with maybe a touch of a lesson that
makes you think, yes, that was meaningful but very positive.
Let's be more careful. People say this and that. Why can't
you tell a story with a happy ending? \4rhy do you have to be
so sarcastic and depressing? It just depends on how you
hear it. This is a happy story. Can't you tell? I've been
smiling all along.
I went to Nanton by myself, and the first thing Mom asked
me was if we had fought.
'No, Mom, we didn't fight. I wanted to come alone.'I
uMom,
was sitting at the kitchen table, watching her bustle.
can you clean my ears?'
"Go get the mimikafti from your 0bdchan's room,' she
said, setting the timer on the oven. Chicken cordon bleu, the
freezer kind. I padded upstairs to 0bdchan's room, still the
same as the day she left. Kept clean by Mom for who knows
why.
\{-hen I came down, Mom was already in the living
room, sitting on the sunny side of the couch. She patted the
cushion beside her and smiled with her eyes. When I came
to stand beside her, she tugged my hand until I sat and

198
gently pushed my shoulder until my head was snuggled in
her warm soft lap. The scent of her clothes. The sun all
roas[y toasty on my face, my curled body.
uMom?" I whispered.
"Yes, don't move."
"['m going away soon," I said softly, so she might hear
things unsaid.
"Yes, dear."
"Is that all you're going to say?'
ul've knou,n it all along."
"0h," I was slightly disappointed. Wanted a lcarlu]
mother, begging me to stay.
"You won'[ find her, you know. I couldn't even find her
when we were in the same room," Mom said sensibly.
"I'm not looking. I'm just going, you know?"
uNot really, but I'll worry,' Mom said. Softly, carefully,
scratching the inside of my ear.
ul'll write,' I said reassuringly.
uls he going with you? I would feel better if he was,'
Mom sighed, knowing my answer before I even stated it.
"No. I{e just got here, but he has to arrive. You can't
move on until you've arrived. I've finally arrived and now I
can go."
uI really don't know what you're talking about. I
arrived over thirty years ago.'
"N0, Mom. You're arriving still.'
"According [o you," shc said sharply. 'Using your own
measure of standards."
"Yeah, you have a point.'
"Stop nodding. I don't want to poke you."
"Sorry.'
uYour father will rniss you very much.'
199
uHe won't even notice I'm gone!"
"No. You just never noticed him noticing you. 'l'hat's
something of a flaw in your character, you know.'
uNot like some people with no flaws at all,'I muttered.
"Ald that's another,' she added.
u\4rhat?'
'Your sarcasm. You'll never see anything if you're
always busy being sarcastitt.'
"Words of wisdom from enlightened mol"her to
impetuous young daughter.'
uNot so yomg, eilher.'
u0uch!" I faked. Not my ear, but at Mom's words.
uNever mind. You go. Your father and I will stay here.
Who knows, Obachan might decide to fuop by some time
and I want to be here for that day. One postcard! All those
words she had to say for so many years and she oan only
write one postcard! Well, those MasterCard receipts keep
coming in, I suppose she must be well.
uYou know, we could have traced her. All l.hose
receipts, we could have tracked her down. Why don't you?' I
had my own reasons, but I didn't know what my Mom's
were.
uBecause her leavilrg meartt she was strong enough to
be happy. Strong enough lo choose a direction. Ilecause if
she wanted to come back, she could. And I was happy for
her. At least she's eating well. Mattafuul llut I still hope you
can do better than one postcard!'
uWhat did you say?"
ul said I hoped you'd be better about u'riLing us.'
"No, beforc that. I)idn't you say 'Mattaku!2'
"l did no such thing!"
uoh.' Hmmmmm.
200
'luo women tahe up two dilferent roads, two different
journeys at di,fJerent times. They are not trauelling with a
specific destination in mind but the ruonxen are walking
toward the same place. Whether they meet or not is not
releoant.
This is not a mathematical equation.
201
Isuppose there was a time when a body could travel with
only a light backpack and a sturdy pair of shoes. l}ade a
bowl of soup and a slice of bread for a tale or two. If
anybody could live that way, it would be Obachan. Who
knows, she may be doing exactly that and, even now, be
putting words inside my mouth. Maybe it's time to start that
practice again. I always have a pair of strong shoulders to
work for my meals. But Lhere must be a lot of people out
there just starving for a lilling story. Something that would
leave a rich flavour on their tongue, on their lips. Lick, then
suck their fingertips. Let me feed you.
There are people who say that eating is only a
superlicial means of understanding a diJlerent culture . 'l'hat
eating at exotic restaurants and oohing and aahing over the
food is not even worth the bill paid. You haven't learned
anything at all. I say that's a lie. Ylrhat can be more basic
than food itseiff Food to begin to grow. Without it, you'd
starve to death, even academics. But don't stop lhere, my
friend, don'L stop there, because food is the point. of
departure. A placc where growth begins. You eat, you drinh
and you Iaugh out loud. You wipe the sweat ol'f your
forehead and take a sip of water. You tell a story, maybe two,
with words of pain and desire. Your companion listens and
Iistens, then offers a different telling. The waiter comes
back with the main cou.rse and stays to tell his version. Your
. companion offers three more stories and the people seated
at the next table lean ovcr to listen. You push all thc tablcs
together and the room resounds with voices. You get dizzy
and the ceiling tips, the chair melts beneath your body. You
lie back on the ground and the world tilts, the words
heaving in the air above you. You are drunk and it is oh so
pleasurable.
 r
--
202
*You can drop me ofl'at llanff, if you would. Such a place,
I've heard, I might as wcll see it."
"Let's make a datc of it!" My cowtroy friend grins at me
with his sun-crinkled eyes, from beneath the brim of'his
creased hat.
uNo," I say gently,
"my journcy is not yours and yours is
not mine.'
"llut I thought. Al'tcr last night and all. Wc might be
spcnding some rnore time togcther, you know?"
uNo. l,ast night was sJlct:ial. And something I was
nccding fcrr a long tirnc. lluL t.hat doesn't mean I can stay,
and you have .vour own journel, to tcnd to.'
ullow will I see you a5;ain? At least a namc or a phone
number-'
"You rvill see me on evcry strcct, on evcry corner, in
the semitrailcr that passcs your truch. l'll bc that woman
who picks up thc dirty tray's in the lbod lair at t.he zoo. I'll be
the systems analyst in l"hc oflice building you will some day
go to work in. I'll be thc tcachcr in the community centre
when you go to lcarn the art of llorver arrar]gcment. You will
pass me in Mac's and sce me in Woolco and stcp on my foot
at the racc trachs. I will hover on thc wind and in the leaves
and dwell inside thc soil bcncaLh your I'eet. You will cvcn
hold me inside your body cvcry tirnc you breathe the air."
Ahh, the alr is slvcct with pine and sap. Ilut cold! my nostril
hairs are frozcn brittlc. llc loolicd so sad, whcn he droppcd
me oll men rvith thcir aflrnity firr unhappy cndings! No necd
l"o mahc a tragerlv ouL o[ ovor'] orlcoun[er. 'l'hat docsn't
nlean I don't likc to listcn to l)rokofiev's llomeo and Juliel.
That I can't have a ilood cry a['ti:r rcadinS4 llhere the lled
203
Fern Grows. But I'd rathcr hcar a mukashi'banu.shi cvcry
time. Nothing like a good folk legend to warm up one's belly
and {ill the emptincss inside you. Why a good folk tale can
keep you going lbr at least a month, none ol this manna Lalh
and birds falling out of l.he sky.
But what a strang0 placc llan['l'is, surrounded by
jagged peaks of roch and ice, I'illcd with thc clamour of
Japanese voiccs. Why, in thc stores and restauranLs, the
signs arc written in katahana. lVho would have thoughl",
this centre of snow and wind, and not a single cicada pupa
sleeping bencath the soil, l'nr ccrtain. l"unny horv tourisls
I'lock from .lapan in organized groups onl5' ttt anolher
translation ol'their horne. !Vith Ialsc {ionts I'ront Cerrnany
and Switzerland. lt's a funny thing and you can never be
sure if you'rc here or thcrc. I carry m.v home in thc cup o[
my palms, in the small hollorvs of rn1'mouth.'l'his is no
place for a wonlan likc rne kt star'. Lct mc travcl lrorn story
l.o stor.y.
uMom,'I ashed.
uYes
?'
uCould you tell me about our last namc?"
"WhaL do you want [o know? You shoukl ask your Dad,
he would know more about il. afIer all. You still havc talk to
him, don't you?"
uYeah, I supposc."'['ht:rc could always be a I'irst.
uWhere is he ?"
"\{rhere else? ln his oftcc al. the [arr1."
The pSrasshoppcrs whirrcd arvay I'rom m1' {i:et and the
sun-dry hcat scorchcd the top of'rny hcad. lalways
wondered iI'thc sun rvas hot enouglt, if my bladr hair would
 V
204
hold enough heat for me to fry an cgg. I supposo not, if I
were still alive. But, the ttrought intercsted me for a time in
my childhood.
I crurched the gravel drive, and when I walked past
the compost barn the pigcons roared away in a sudden
flurry, their wings heavy with compost moisture' They
nested irt the ceiling ol'the barn, and every year the shit got
deeper and heavier. Sometimes, when I was youngcr, I'd go
out and blast them with a shot gun on my days o[T' l]ut my
urge to kill things started cbbing away' the older I grew'
Watching gophcrs cxplotlc rlidn't scem much lun after a I'ew
summers. l)ad never killcd an-Ything. Flven when there was
the dangcr cl[' twenty yoars ol'pigeon shit caving in the
ceiling. Antl no one was signing up to clearl il" out either.
Dad just reinforced thc walls and put up a coutrlle steel
pillars in the middle o{'thc barn. Not that there was ever
enough money to llx it. 'l'here rvas only money enough to
kecp the farm going and pay cveryonc's wagcs' And pay for
0bachan's credit card bills.
Can was outside gcttiug a tank of propane for the
forkliit. [,ooked up at the roaring pigeons.
utfi, girl. What arc
You doin65?'
"l'm just coming arttttnd to sily goodtrvc' I'm going
away.'
uWhere are you going to?"
"l rlttn't know for surc. I'll knorv when I get therc'"
"You're a funny girl. When you wcre Iittlc, you hated
me, huh?"
"Ycah, I guess I did. l'rn sorry abttut things'"
"0hhh, you hatc mo, you like mc, it docsn't make a
differencc. lt's riifficult to talk ol'thini;s whcn vou'rc YounS'
lVe can talli rtorv, lruh?"
205
"Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I would really like that.'
uYou going bach to Calgary tonight?"
uNo,I'm sleepirg over, lhcn going in the morning."
uThen comc over tonight' We should drink together
before you go. So nothing rnakcs you looh back and feel
bitterness."
uThanks, Can. I would really like that a lot. [)o you
think you could tell me some stories?'
uSure. Sure. See you toniSht, [hen, Murasaki. Your dad,
he's in his of'fice."
lJemuscrl. I was bemused. I slipped sideways through
the little rloor in Lhe wall, thc botlom ol'thc door I'rame a
good two I'ect off the ground. llven I had to duck my head to
get inside the door. Why was this door so small? Why didn't I
ever ask? 'l'he Grcert Machine was clean and had been
sprayerl with lbrmaldehydc to hitl any diseases, molds, or
mites. I covcrerl my nose and mouth with my lorearm and
squinted my eyes into slits.'['cars madc it impossible to see,
I harln't bcen there for quite a whilc and I wasn't
acclimatized. I bumped into sorncone, "Sorry."
uMuriel."
"Huh, l)ad?" I said, pccring above my arrn.
"Nice to sco you."
u'Ihanks.'
"Comc into my oflice. lt's rtot so bad in lhere."
. I followed Dad into his room. l"or thc f rrst timc in my
life. Funny, I wondercd, why harln't I cver scen it bclirre? It
was surprisingly neat and thc plywotld I'loor was raised str
that watcr on the main concrete wouldn't seep inside the
office. 'Ihcre was a high powtlr fm/am radio playing
classical ntusic. I nevcr kncw. And thc walls of Lhe room,
they werc covcred rvith shclve s, fillcd with books and books.
 r
206
Hundreds and thousands and quadruple that, they towered
all around making me dtzzy.l'here was even a step ladder
in the corner to reach the ones on top. I sank back into a
chair. Dad lookerl sheepish, and I I'clt rcd crawl up my neck.
The books were all in Japanese.
u\4hy-you kncw all along! How could you?! When you
knew that I wantcd to lcarn. All along, you knew, and you
didn't say a word.'Without knowing it, I was standing up,
my hands clenchcd into fists. Dad looked sternly at my
hands, and I noticed my own violence. I urclenched my {ists
and sank back into the chair.
"All along, all along. God, you must really hate me.'
"That's always been 1'our lvorst I'ault, you know.
Ihinking lhe worst ol'people rvho lovc you. lVithout asking
why. My teaching vou nothing Japanese had nothing to do
wilh you. And I rvas very pnrud o{'you when you decidcd to
le arn it yoursell. No, the problcm was all rnint: ."
u\4/hy, then?" I I'elt like
crying and f'elt stupid for feeling
like crying. "Finally, why didn't you teach mc to speak
Japanese?'
ullecause I coulrln't.'
ullecausc of Mom? She forbadc you to do it?" I
demanded.
uSec, thcrc you go
again! [ don't know how you came to
bc so distrustlul. \Vell, I guess wc'rc noI innoccnt cithcr-"
u'l'ell me!'
"lt's because I cannot speali it, Muriel. Icannot speak it
at all. I can only rt:arl it to undcrsl-and.'
ulleally?" I said doubtlirlly. *ls that rcally possible?"
ul rlon't know il'it's a rncdical condition. Ilut it's my
rcality. Whcn wc mclvcd to Canada, your N'lom and l, wc
decided it would bc bcst lirr our childrcn il'rve lct thcrn slip
207
in with everybody clse. Sure, we couldr't change the colour
of their hair', or the shape of their face, but we could make
sure they didn't stand out. 'l'hat they could be as Canadian
as everyone around Lhem. As it turned out, you were the
only child we had, and lhat made us evcn more careful. We
wanted only your happincss. lVe dccided, Jou Mom and I,
that wc would put Japan behind us and fit morc smoothly
with the crowd. And from that day, when we decided,
ncither of us could speak a word in Japancse. Not a word
would pass our lips. lYc couldn'l cvcn think it. And I was
ashamed. I f'elt a loss sct linc it pierced my heart. Made it
ache. So I stopped talking. I used to talk a Iot in my youth,
that's what won yoLr Mttm to me. Shc was taken with my
chatter and my jokes. llut alter the day I lost my words, my
home words, I didn'l" have the hcart to talk so much. I just
putmy energics into thc farnt, pSrcw mushrooms in l"he quiet
of the dark. Kay put it all bchind her. She has a strong will,
your Mom, so she just sairl, lhat's fine. That's lil'e then. And
carricd on lihe nothing happcncd. We don't talk about it.
Some things, you don't talk about. And I was feeling like I
was half missing lbr a good tcn years, never mixing with
other Japanesc iolh, thc communitics in Calgary and
Lcthbridgc, because it rnadc thc ache unbcarable. Evcn if
the third or {burth gencration .lapancsc-(lanadians could
spe ak only linglish, likc rnc, it wasn'[ thc sarne. They
.weren't hall'a pcrson likc I rvas.'l'hcn this Japanese-
Canadian minister from l,ethbridge, I hardly met him once,
he sent mc a copy ol 'l'he New Can,adian. lL's a newspapcr
ouL of Vancouver, I Lhink. 0r rnaybe 'l\lronto. Ilalf is in
Iinglish and the ot.her haLf in .lapancsc. I llicked it up and
couldn't hclp rnysell, I glanccd at thc characters written
thcrc. And I could read it! I could read it and understand!
 r
208
But when I tried to say it out loud, there was nothing. Still, I
was so happy. So happy. I called your Mom to tell her the
news, but she said it was too late for her. And it was too late
for you. That she didn't want to stir things up when it was all
settled. So I didn't push it. And I wouldn't have been able to
teach you even if your Mom had allowed it. The words were
only inside my hcad to read, not something I could speak.
I'm sorry Muriel, that's why I can't call you by the name
your grandmother gave you, why I taught you nothing. I
guess I'm not innocent after all. I guess I could have sent
you to Calgary for special lessons. Your Mom is strong-
willed, Muriel, and I went along with her decision. And I
love her still. I hope you can forgive me.'
Dad sank into a chair, his face so pale. I had never
heard so many words come out of my his mouth at one time.
I poured him a cup of muddy water that was sitting in the
coffee maker. He gulped it back and wiped his mouth and
forehead with a piece of toilet paper. I sighed.
ul'm sorry too. Sorry too.'
We sat in the blue hum of fl,uorescent lights.
"What about our name? Isn't our name Japanese?"
Dad actually laughed, and it was a dirt brown sound.
ult's funny, really. 'l'hat word. It was the only word I
could utter when the change took place. Your Mom
suggested we take a Canadian name, if we couldn't
remember our real one. But I was hrm about that. I said if
we couldn't rernember orrr own name, the least we could do
was keep the one word I could remember. Tonkatsu! 0f all
things!' Dad started laughing so hard that tears were rolling
down his cheeks.
"Does our name really mean 'breaded deep fried pork
cutlets'?'
209
"'fhe translation isn't literal as that, but that's what it
signifies. The thing is, tonkatsu isn't really a purely
Japanese word. ?"on, meanirg pork, is Japanese, but ftalsu is
adopted from 'cutlct', and I don't know thc origins of that
word.'
u'l'hat's really weird, I)ad."
"So the ]oke is on us, rcally. I don't know why I only
remembered tonkatsu, but that's what our name became.
You can always changc yours, il'you lihe. It's not a binding
thing for you.'
ul don't knorv, I might keep it. l(eep me from forgetting
my humble past and all that."
uWell, you do what you like . I guess you always have,"
he said, and tugged the end of my nose. I laughed.
uAclually, that's why I camc to see you. I'm going away.
And I wanted to let you know.'
uGlad to hear it!' Dad winhed.
uReally?"
"Of course. Plcntv out thcrc. Plenty more than just
living in Calgary for tlre rest ol'your lil'e. Or Nanton for that
matter. Your mother and I, we left Japan and came to be in
Nanton. I suppose it's rcasonable that you nccd to find
clsewhcrc. Whatcvcr or wherever it happens to be. Arc you
going overscas?"
"No, l don'l- want to bc a lourisl. And nolhing so biblical
.as a mission. 'l'herc is a sound I can alrnost hear,.iust
slightly outside my hcarinp; ranl;c. And I want to know what
thal. sound is. lVhat l'rn missing. 'l'hat's about as cltlse as I
can get."
uAre you going to ,lapan?"
uNo, no. 'l'hat's too literal a translation, I think.'
uWell, wherever you go) you lwite your Mom and me
2't0
we don't havc to worry.'
*Sure, Dad. I can do that. I'll be rvriting all the time.'
"Did I hear Joe inviting you over for a drink?'
"Yeah."
"f)o you think I could join you if'Joc docsn't mind.'
"Dad,l'd really like that.'
Dad swung his ofhce door wide, and wc stepped out.
The formaldehyde had li{ted or evaporated, or whatever it
does, and my cyes didn't wal.cr any longer.
211
An Imnrigrant Story With a Happy Ending
Mukashi, muhashi, 0mukashi . . .
lVtry do you leave a homelantl in the first place? If there isn't
any turmoil and plenty o[ food and political lreedom to top it
ofl, why would anyone cver leave? And if you don't like the
way the new cormtry trcats you, why would you bother to
stay?
"l clese:e to be here. I earn,ed the right to live here. 'l'hose
other people, who hnows rvhere they came I'rom?'l'hat's why
therc is a gang problem. 'l'hey didn't come through the right
channels. When I came here, I was questioned and
intervieweri and they made sure of my intent. I provided
ncw jobs for the people herc and ['ve nevcr ever been on
welfare. Not lihe some othcrs. Wc carry Lheir load on our
backs. I say rve should never lct them in."
"You can nevt:r trust tltostt peoplc, you know. Ileavens, I've
tried, but you can never tell what tlley're thinhing. And they
always stick to their own kind, ncver mixing with other
people. Ahvays talhing in a Iorcign languagc. And evcn
when they do bothcr talking in F)nglish, why their acccnt is
so thick, I can't mahc out a singlc rv<lrd. I{'thtlse people want.
to live in Canada, l.hcy've gol" to try a little harder. That's not
too much to ask, is it?"
"Have you scen Mr llaseball? lL's about t.his American
baseball player rvlto gtlcs to ,lapan to play bccause hc isn't
good enough to ptay in l"hc Statcs anrl he doesn't understand
the culture at all and he causcs a lot ol'trouble on the team
7
213
212

until he finally learns to live with the culture rather than When does one thing end and an<lther begin?
against it? It was really funny. You ought to go see it."
Can You separate the two?
uChinese, Japanese,
dirty knees, Iook at these!'
(Pinch a bit of material from your shirt about breast level
with both hands and puII outward so that you make two
cloth pyramids haha.)

When does it
end?lYhen does itend?When doesitend?\{hen
doesitend\4fhendoe siten dwhendoe sitendwhendoesitendwhe
ndoe sitendwhendoe sitendwhendoesitendwhen

You tell me.

An immigrant story with a happy ending. Nothing is

impossible. Within reason, of course.
-

ulaaaaadies and gcntlemon, thc cvcnt you'vc all been

waitin' Ibr! lt's time for the meanest, toughcst cowboys on
two thousand pounds of lean musclc and gril' Let's give a
rowdy calgary Stampedc yaaah0000 to the bcst bullriders in
thc whole, wide wtlrld!"
"Yaaaaaaaaaho otltltltttlootlt)oo! "

Easy enough for a woman to slip by security' I{'you're

quietly 0riental antl carrying a furoshiki packed wit'h
cowboy equipment and starkers as the day you were born,
people are glad not to noticc you' l,ike telling people you
were picked up by alien lil'e forms and impregnated on a
clistant planet. I{'you mentioncd what you saw, you'd be the
one buncllerl away. In a soft-cushioned van with wire rnesh
over the windows.
A winter away lrom Alberta is pure pleasurc, but {'trnny
how a glancing momory of'an unappetizing corndog is
cnough Lo tuil you bach to Catgary in timc lor the Stampedc'
I rlon't kn0w wlty, whcn thertl is a Intcrnational.lazz Festival
in Montreal and manncd Iight shows surpassing
un
imagination in the Arctic. So why do I swing by, this annual
migration, to caLch a rodeo? Spin on thc Zipper and watch

215
v_
216
Etvis impersonations? l|altaltu! 'l'here's not an answer {br
everything, that's ccrl"ain. No harrn in a body going to see a
rodeo once a year, I say. No harrn in participating. !Vhy, the
best place to be is behind the chutes, where you can smcll
the adrenalin srvcat of young and old cowboys alike. The
sweet smell ol'horsehide and 6lrcen grass sweat. Sour mash
shit and hot dogs and cofl'ee.
I hunker down between a couple of horse trailers and
get my equipment out ol'my furoshikl. My calfskin boots, my
bat wing chaps, my bull rope rvith two cow bclls. Work
glycerine and rosin, with my thuntb, into the braid of the
rope where I will grip. 'l'hc rosin smells pinc sharp and
strong as trees. I pull on my jcans and tuch in my shirt. 'l'ie
my soft boots on snug so [hcy won't lly off rvhen I spur. Get
out my purple mask from the pockcl" of my jeans and cover
my eyes. Lilie Lhat other masked wondcr, who rode that Hi
Ho Silver horse, I can't rememtrer his name. Iluckle up
chaps, top myself oll with a well-worn Stetson and iinally,
tug my riding glove on my lell hand. Shouldcr my bull rope,
all coiled up and walli back to [he chutcs. Cowboys,
cowgirls, they leavc me room, and I can hcar them murmur.
uThe Purple Mask! '['he Purplc
Nlasli! 'l'he l,urple Mask
is here!'
Some nod thcir hcads, some l"ip thcir hats, and others
scowl and spit. Whcn you do sornething dill'crent, not
everyonc will like you, l've noticed. Ahhh, I say, nothing an
old woman can'L manago.
"l,adies and gentlcmen! I'vc just rcccivcd a speciaI bulletin.
'l'here's r,vord tlrat'l'he Purple i\{asli has been seen near the
chul"e s! Now for those ol'you who'vc nevcr hcard of The
Purple Mask, you lblks lrom oLrt ol'town, 'l'hc l)urple Mask is
217
a mysteeeerious bullrider who shows up at the Calgary
Stampede and gives bullriding a whole new meaning. No
one knows who he is, where he comes from. He doesn't
even have a pro card. But lordy, can he ride! He just showed
up one year and he's been coming around ever since. Only
takes one ride. Never had a wreck. Piumb mysterious. 'I'he
Purple Mask is a legend in these parts come Stampede time,
and you're going to get your money's worth when you see
this cowboy ride!"
"Who did I draw?" I ask, before I siip my mouth guard in.
uHe's a bit rank
"You drew Revelation," a cowboy nods'
today.'
I tug the brim of my hat, walk up to my bull.
Revelation! Mattaku! Such a name for a bulMhy he is
brindled, all tiger-sriped. Such nasty eyes on his lamb-
white face. He snaps his back hoof at my foot when I climb
up the side of the chute, and I pull it back so quick he clangs
only metal. I dangle my rope down the inside, beside the
bull, and the man opposite, he hooks it under and pulls it up
over the back. I straddle the bull's body, my feet still
standing on the chute and slip the tail of the rope through
the loop and pull it tight. The cowboy who caught up the
rope, he leans down to yank up any slack and I pull it tight
again. I gingerly lower my body onto the bull. Settle my
riding hand, holding the rope with my palm facing upward,
lnd wrap the rope up and around the back of my hand and
the tail back into my palm. Fting the trailing end of it toward
the front so that a bulllightcr can pull it loose if I'm thrown
off, away from my hand, and get hung up on the beast.
Ponnd my clenched fist with my free hand, ichi, ni, making
sure it's secure. Settle my weight above my hand, so ttrat. my
218
butt isn't touching. I'm holding my body up with the inside
of my thighs. The nervous heat of the bull seeping through
the straps on my chaps, the rough cotton of my jeans. My
shoulders just over the centre of my clenched riding fist.
Stretch out my strong arm, shoulder level, and reach for
balance. I nod my head.
The gate is pulled open from the outside, but the bull
crashes it to get out faster. Clang of horns on metal. The first
lurch is shocking, Iike always, and I push against the rope so
I won't fly over the bull's head, his curving horns. He
Iurches upward and twists into a belly roll and I pu-Il back to
keep my position. The clang clang of cowbells only a dim
sound in the pounding of heart and heaving pant of animal
breath. The brine of his sweat, the lean muscles of his back.
He lunges on and dives into a sunfish. I push and pull, my
strong arm reaching for that place of balance.
"Woweee! Lookit that cowboy ride! I'his is where the world
meets the West! 'l'his is what the Greatest Show on Earth is
all about! Hang in there, partner, hang in there, cowboy!
This is the ride of your life! Eeeeeeeehaaa!'
Can't hear the crowds or the rodeo announcer. The sound
all muffled into background. 0nly the bull and me, never
partners, but never realiy enemies. My head tucked low and
my strong hand reaching. Just reaching for that place. That
place of comfort, of safety, where I can float like a ballerina,
like a Minoan gymnast. For that place where tire bull and I
can move as one. The jolt and lurch in my arm and spine,
ahhh, this old woman can hold on still. Revelation twists
into a lurching spin, and I ride into a storm. A funnel forms
from where we spin and spreads outward with dust and
219
howling. Blowing blowing spinning round and cowbny hats
swirl in dizzy circles. Cotton candy fills the air, and people
duck flying corn on the cob or are splattered with wet
smacks of grease and salt. We spin tighter, tighter, an
inflnite source of wind and dust. The roaring howl of dust
devil turned tornado. 'Ihe wind we churn flings cowboy hats
to Winnipeg, Victoria, Montreal, as far as Charlottetown'
Weather patterns will be affected for the next live years and
no one will know the reason' lt makes me laugh and I'm still
riding, the bull is still beneath me.
And I find it. I hnd it. l'hat smooth clear space where
the animal anrl I are pure as light as sound. Where stars
turn liquid and you can taste sweet nectar in your mouth'
The glide of the animal in your heart and in your lungs and
the very blood of your body. Heat of ttre bull between your
iegs, riding on a crest of power. Tension and pleasure as fine
as a silken thread. The moment of such sweet purity, it
brings tears to your throat, your eyes. Makes your lips
tremtrle.
-
220 221

'li:xts l"hat influcnced the writing of'this novel:

"'[hank Iou," I say. I]ecause it is a dfficult thing b hean And
harder still, to listen. You shake your head and smile. Tbuch
my hair; ntyface, just so. l)orson, Richard M. fr'olk Legends of Japan. Japan: Charles
I risefrom our great purpLe;fuktn like someone who has ll.'l'uttle Co. lnc., 1981.
been sleeping Jbr decatles. Step through Lhe open door. Away
from a room Jilled with the lingering echoes rd spoken and I)iggrrtt, Julie. Japanese Mythology. Ncw York, NY: Peler
unspoken tales. Ilcdrick lloohs, 1991.

You ltnoru you can change lhe sbry. Slriliibu, Muraskai. 'l'he'llale oI Genji. 2 vols. 'llanslated
with an Introduction b1' Iidward G. Seidensticher.
.lapan: Charles Ii.'l'uttlc Co. Inc., 1991.
/,
222

Hiromi Goto

Hiromo Goto was born in 1966 in Chiba-ken, Japan, and

immigrated to Canada at the age of three with her family.
After a short time on the West Coast, they moved to southern
Alberta. Hiromi graduated with a BA degree in English from
the University of Calgary in 1989. She lives in Calgary.