‘COMEDY WRITING SECRETSCOMEDY WRITING SECRETS by Melvin Helitzer Cincinnati, OhioABOUT THE AUTHOR Melvin Helitzer is a former Madison Avenue advertising agency president who left a Clio-award- winning career in 1980 to teach journalism courses, including “Humor Writing for Fun and Profit,” at Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. That course is now so popular that it boasts a sign- up list a year in advance, and each student has to audition to become one of the few selected for each class. Helitzer has written for newspapers, magazines, and commercials; for the award-winning ABC-TV musical comedy, “The Cowboy & The Tiger”; and for such professional enter- tainers as Sammy Davis, Jr, Art Linkletter, and Shari Lewis. Through his college class he has helped launch the careers of numerous students including one who is now working for an off- Broadway playwright and others who have sold material to many professional comedians and national publications, PERMISSIONS Excerpt from Art Buchwald’s column reprinted with permission of the author, Los Angeles Times ‘Syndicate, 1986. Comedy Writing Secrets. Copyright © 1987 by Melvin Helitzer. Printed and bound in the United States of America. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Published by Writer’s Digest Books, an imprint of F&W Publications, Inc., 4700 East Galbraith Road, Cincinnati, Ohio 45236. (800) 289-0963. First paperback printing 1992. Other fine Writer's Digest Books are available at your local bookstore store or direct from the publisher. 06 05 04 14 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Helitzer, Melvin Comedy writing secrets. Bibliography: p. Includes index. 1. Wit and humor—Authorship. I. Title. PN6149.488H445 1987 808.7 87-2096 ISBN 0-89879-510-9 Ilustrations by Jim Benton, Design by Christine W. Aulicino.A MAGNUS HOPUS Dedication This, my fourth book, is dedicated to my wife and children, who bought the other three.TABLE OF CONTENTS INTRODUCTION Introducing the Three Rs of Humor 1 Gain Respect, make people Remember you, and be Rewarded for being funny. Make out your MAP for success, and practice, practice, practice! PART 1 THE BASICS OF HUMOR WRITING 7 CHAPTER 1 Imagination Is Funny: Taking the First Step 9 Use “What If's” to rearrange reality into funny patterns; learn the basic joke con- struction formulas. CHAPTER 2 Why We Laugh: Theories of Comedy 15 We laugh because of surprise, superiority, biological inclinations, incongruity, ambivalence, releasing tension, filling in configurations, and psychology...all of which boils down to “I’m Chevy Chase and You're Not”: superiority. CHAPTER 3 The Anatomy of Humor: The THREES Formula 25 Learn the essentials of humor —Target, Hostility, Realism, Exaggeration, and Emo- tion. These five factors add up to THREES. CHAPTER 4 POW !Is a Play on Words 47 POW packs a punch: twisted cliches, double entendres, too-literal truth (“Call me ataxi.” “OK, you're a taxi!”), reforming familiar phrases in surprising ways (very punny!), take-offs, and odd associations — using cliches as springboards to humor. CHAPTER 5 Brainstorming POW Associations 87 Practice skewing the familiar to find the funny. CHAPTER 6 The Next Giant Step: Reverses 99 Turning ideas upside down, inside out, and every which way but dull or obvious. Don't telegraph ‘your jokes or you'll stamp on your punchline and your audience will cancel their laughter,CHAPTER 7 Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered: Triples 113 Preparation + anticipation + payoff = funny. CHAPTER 8 The Harmony of Paired Elements: Synonyms, Homonyms, and Antonyms 123 Sticks and stones can break your bones, but sticks and clubs are funny! CHAPTER 9 Funny Words: The Spark Plugs of Humor Pickle is funny, tomato isn’t. Learn the funny noises that can get a laugh al yy themselves. CHAPTER 10, To Tell the Truth: rated and Understated Realism 151 Make mountains out of molehills (for large moles, naturally) and squeeze mountains of meaning into the smallest gags. CHAPTER 11 ‘Surprise ‘em or Shock ‘em: Nihilistic Humor and Language 165 Humor can be a four-letter word, especially if you can’t spell. CHAPTER 12 Stay in Character: Speak Softly But Carry a Big Schtick 179 Develop one of the Twenty Masks of Comedy to create a comic character. Not only will your jokes be funnier: you'll project a funny attitude. PART 2 THE MARKETS 203 CHAPTER 13 Testing—One, Two, Three—Writing Humor for Speeches 205 How to prepare the speech and the speaker, choose the right title, overcome stage fight, deliver the speech, and pick the audience out ofthe aisles after ‘ward, CHAPTER 14 Stand-Up or Sit Down: Humor for Live Entertainers 221 Comedians do it standing up, but you don’t have to take inexperience lyingLearn how to break in, where to send your jokes, and howto approach established comedians with your material. CHAPTER 15, Saw the Picture, Loved the Gag: Humor for Cartoons and Comics 223 Write one-liners and invent funny visuals for single-panel cartoons, or go for the running gag: comic strips and political cartoons. CHAPTER 16 Proses Are Read: Humor for Greeting Cards, T-Shirts, \ and Bumper Stickers 249 Develop quick-take ha-has for the eyes of thousands. CHAPTER 17 Print Humor: Columns, Articles, and Fillers 263 Write humorous pieces for newspapers and magazines. CHAPTER 18 The Scarce Comedy-ty: Writing for Sitcoms 275 ‘Try on one of the tried-and-true formats for consistent audience appeal: aggression within the family or at the workplace, mistaken assumptions, manic intrusions, heartbreak, moral/ethical conflicts, sympathy with the underdog and disadvantaged, physical mishaps (watch that banana peell), single-minded greed or ambition, and total incompetence. CHAPTER 19 This Isa Wrap: Most Commonly Asked Questions About Humor Construction 285 Learn about toppers, writing jokes backward, localizing, timing, working the audi- or hiding the joke, and other generally hysterical tips about the serious business ‘humor. APPENDIXA Books for a Humor Writer’s Library 303 APPENDIX B Humor Periodicals 307 APPENDIX C Comedy and Humor Courses 317 INDEX 322PREFACE The study of comedy is the last frontier of literary communication. Until 1982, humor had never been taught as a credit course in a major American university. Until 1984 there wasn’t a single published textbook that de- tailed the structure of humor writing fundamentals. It seemed humor was a fuse too dangerous to enlight. Facetiousness was equated with frivolity. Today, teaching humor has become a growth industry. The first hu- mor writing course at the Scripps School of Journalism at Ohio University has become such a smash hit that students register a year in advance to occupy one of the twenty allotted seats. Students include members of the faculty, school administrators, and adults from the community — including doctors, lawyers, homemakers, and even one mortician. (We asked him, when trying out his material, if he killed the audience. He said “No, they’re already dead when I get there.”) The final exam was suggested by the students themselves, Since hu- mor can’t be tested in a vacuum, a pub on campus is taken over for a night and the rowdy audience helps grade the students with their applause. Modest applause is a C, enthusiastic applause is a B, a standing ovation is an A. If they throw fruit it’s an F, unless the fruit is edible, in which case it gets marked up toa D. More than twenty universities now have humor courses. In addition to Ohio University, you can find courses in the curriculum of Arizona State University (Dr. Don L. Nilsen), Emory University (Lynne Alpern and Es- ther Blumenfeld), Hunter College (Charles Lindner), University of Ili- nois (Dr. Jack Jones), Ithaca College (Dr. Mary Ann Rishel), Old Domin- ion University (Dr. Fred Talbott), and Virginia Tech (Dr. Sam Riley). The universities with the most humor courses are UCLA in Los Angeles and The New School in New York. In Chicago, Second City is the nation’s most famous school for improvisational training. A more detailed list of humor courses is printed in the appendix of this book. And humor workshops are booming. Seminars have recently been conducted at Arizona State, University of Texas (El Paso), University of Pittsburgh, Ohio State, University of Toledo, and internationally at Tel Aviv University in Israel and Cork University in Ireland, to list just a few.A number of professionals, notably Danny Simon, the dean of com- edy writers, plus Larry Wilde, author of the country’s most popular joke books, Art Gliner, Dr. Virgina O. Tooper, Herb True, and Dr. Joel Good- man are booked regularly for lectures on the benefits of humor in personal as well as professional life. The Ohio University course is only one example of an educational crusade by such outstanding linguists, psychologists, sociologists, and American humor scholars as Don and Alleen Nilsen of Arizona State, Ma- harev Apte of Duke, Jesse Bier of Montana, Joseph Boskin of Boston, Tony Chapman of Leeds, England, historians H.J. and Barbara Cum- mings of Washington, D.C., Hugh C. Foot of the British Psychological So- ciety, William F. Fry, Jr. of Stamford, Jeffrey Goldstein of Temple, Hamlin Hill of New Mexico, Gerald Mast of Chicago, Paul McGhee of Texas Tech, Harvey Mindess and Joy Turek of Antioch West, Lawrence Mintz of Maryland, John O. Rosenbaum of Southwest Texas State, Victor Raskin of Purdue, Warren Shibles of Wisconsin, authors Robert Orben, Law- rence Peters, and Susan Kelz Sperling, and many more. Their pioneering efforts have been inspirational and their encour- agement has been personally invaluable. This book proudly acknowledges its debt to all of them.As the doctor said after he made the first incision, “How's that for openers?”INTRODUCTION Introducing the Three Rs of Humor YOU ARE ABOUT To LEARN TO WRITE FUNNY. You can learn this creative art for your own personal enjoyment or for financial gain. In either case, you’ll find your humor has tremendous value. I call it the three Rs of humor. Skillful use of humor can create re- spect, cause your words to be remembered, and earn you great rewards. RESPECT There are three ways you can attract attention: 1. You can legitimately achieve some outstanding accomplishment. 2. You can criticize somebody. 3. You can be unconventional. Humor offers all three opportunities, because humor isn’t exclusively en- tertainment. We use humor primarily to call attention to ourselves. Notice how you react when you start to tell a joke to a small group of friends and, just as you get to the end, someone shouts out the punch line. Your glare will probably be the physical limit of your anger at first, but the second time it happens, you'll try to kill the jerk, and no jury will convict you. Humor is a universal speech opener because it immediately gets us. i2 COMEDY WRITING SECRETS respectful attention. It’s psychologically impossible to hate someone with whom you’ve laughed. “When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh,” says Robert Orben. Laughter is to the psyche what jogging is to the body. Humor, in live performance, offers more immediate gratification than any other art form. You know your audience is appreciative because you can hear their re- sponse, and this jury’s decision is impulsive and instantaneous. REMEMBER When we're successfully humorous —live or in print— people remember. Our best lines are the ones repeated, and retained. An impressive number of the sayings in Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations are witticisms. When learning is fun, everybody benefits. Two recent studies, one at the University of Arkansas and the other at San Diego State, agreed that students who attended a series of lectures which purposely included witti- cisms and anecdotes achieved higher test scores than students who at- tended the same lectures where humor was avoided. “When the mouth is open for laughter,” wrote Dr. Virginia Tooper, “you may be able to shove ina little food for thought.” All books of quotations have generous portions devoted to witti- cisms. Jokes are probably our best opportunity for immortality, although Woody Allen once remarked, “I don’t want to gain immortality by my hu- mor. I want to gain immortality by not dying.” REWARD Humor is important in every facet of entertainment, social life, education, and health. Many political candidates, in fact every president since Frank- lin Roosevelt, have had in-house humorists on their speech writing teams, Big business executives are increasingly hiring writers able to make them gag on every line (and you can read that line any way you want to). It’s been hard for classical culturists to accept that more money is being earned by the art of comedy than by all other fine arts combined. That’s no exaggeration. Take a look at the record. © Seven of the top-grossing films were comedies. © Eight of the ten top-rated TV programs were sitcoms. © Four of the highest-paid newspaper columnists were humorists. © The fastest-growing category of greeting cards was humor (known as alternative cards),Introduction 3 @ Eight of the highest-paid entertainers in show business were comedians. © There was a twenty-four hour all-comedy cable network. @ There were over 300 comedy clubs in major cities, Comedy can also be a springboard to more lucrative TV and film roles. Robin Williams, Woody Allen, Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray, John Candy, Steve Martin, Lily Tomlin, Harry Anderson, Howie Mandel, Richard Pryor, Bob Newhart, Alan King, and Bill Cosby are just a few major film and TV stars who started out as comedians. The demand for humor writers far exceeds the supply. One reason is that more people want to tell jokes than write them; another is that televi- sion is a joke-eating shark, It chews up more humor material in a month than all other forms use in a year. Johnny Carson once remarked that tele- vision is the only medium that eats its young, because young writers are the ones most frequently hired to feed the shark day after day and suffer indigestion night after night. While the financial rewards are eye-opening, young writers are only as good as their last joke, and fatigue causes many of them to burn out after a year. A three-year career on any one project ranks them with the true pros of the art. MAP FOR SUCCESS The two qualities shared by all successful humor writers are consistency and targeted material. This means that (1) the ability to write funny isn’t a sometimes thing, and (2) the writer doesn’t waste precious time preparing the wrong material for the wrong performer, to be delivered to the wrong audience. This is as true in print and broadcast humor as it is for stand-up. An acronym sums up this second point rather dramatically. I call it the MAP theory. MAP stands for material, audience, and performer. MAP isa triangular comedic constellation which must always be in phase. Audience Material Se Performer The material must be appropriate to the interests of the audience, and each must also relate to the persona of the performer. Likewise, the audience must complement both the material and the presentation style of the performer. Regardless of where in heaven’s name you start, each star in the constellation must relate to both the other stars. The common denominator is character. The character of the material must fit the char- acter of the performer and the character of the audience.4 COMEDY WRITING SECRETS ATTRIBUTION One day Milton Berle and Henny Youngman were listening to Joey Bishop tell a particularly funny gag. “Gee, | wish | said that,” Berle whispered. “Don’t worry, Milton, you will,” said Henny. ‘There are over a thousand examples of humor in this book. I wrote some of it, but most was written by others. In lectures I always credit authors—ex- cept for those jokes that consistently get big laughs. Credit lines for jokes are a researcher’s nightmare. There are many standard jokes, but they have thousands of variations. Just who uttered what can rarely be proven. Tom Burnam, in his book The Dictionary of Misinformation, points out that such famous lines as Horace Greeley’s “‘Go west, young man,” Marie Antoinette’s “Let them eat cake,” W.C. Fields’s “Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad,” and even his tombstone inscrip- tion, “I would rather be here than in Philadelphia,” Mark Twain’s ““Every- body talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it,” John F. Kennedy’s “Ask not what your country can do for you,” and Franklin D. Roosevelt’s “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” were all previ- ously written by someone else. If scholars have this problem with historic lines, then proper credit for jokes, anecdotes, and witticisms can be a never-ending dilemma. If Adam came back to the Garden of Eden, the only thing that would be fa- miliar to him would be the jokes. The best I can offer for identification is to list the name published in someone else’s joke collection, but I wouldn’t bet on its accuracy. The li- brary of Shakespeare will always be haunted by the ghost of Marlowe— and that’s not an original line either. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE Acronyms are my favorite mnemonic device, and in this book acronyms proliferate. The first letter of each word in a group is abbreviated into a more easily remembered word. If you can memorize acronyms like THREES, MAP POW, and PAP you’ll be able to remember the humor for- mulas. While this book is an introduction to humor writing, I don’t promise it will instantly transform you into a professional. Learning the fundamen-