ACT I

SCENE 1

(FIVE people sit on stage. The

players: SERGE D'AGOSTINO, 50s,
insane. JENNIFER WU, 40s,
sensible. GENEVA WASHINGTON,
60s, space-y. TED BARKER, 30s,
unremarkable. CHUCKY FINCH, 60s,
gruff.)

SERGE D’AGOSTINO
Hi, all. I neglected to mention a request at our gathering
this morn. As you all know, I utilize the common area
within the intersection of several faculty offices. I'd
like to ask that we all ensure students remain mindful of
classes/rehearsals in session, and to respect their fellow
students' performances. With all due, Dr. Serge D'Agostino,
PhD, Professor of Shakespearean Theatre Studies.

JENNIFER WU
Serge, I presume you are referring to an incident last
Monday when my student Grace Diaz passed through your
rehearsal. She said you were leading some sort of
childbirth ritual (??). Is this for the upcoming Macbeth?
In any event, given that the space you’re occupying is a
COMMUNAL HALLWAY in a HIGH TRAFFIC area, your rehearsals
are bound to be interrupted at any given time. Perhaps you
might consider utilizing a DESIGNATED CLASSROOM, of which
there are FIVE in the building. Regards, Jennifer Wu,
Director of Musical Theatre.

GENEVA WASHINGTON
Serge...I'd like to add...please do not take my mannequins
without logging them out. And please stop painting them
dark brown...many students are uncomfortable interacting
with them in the costume shop. Geneva Washington, Professor
of Theatre Studies (Costume Design).

TED BARKER
Serge, did you mean to CC me on this? Ted Barker, Director
of Facilities Management.

SERGE
Wow. I did not anticipate this unwarranted pile-on. I was
unaware that the theater department frowns upon creative
use of space--ARE WE NOT ARTISTS? Are we not creators?
Raconteurs? Bards? And as such, does it not follow that we
defy constraints, seeking to push the envelope of
storytelling to its very brink? I conduct myself based on
such principles, and decry any so-called restrictions
placed upon my artistry. Therefore and verily, I will
continue to rehearse Macbeth in the common area. Good day.

CHUCKY FINCH
hi all. any 1 seen a rogue circular saw? thanks. Chucky
Finch, Professor of Technical Theatre Studies

JENNIFER
Serge. Our department’s building
functions twofold. One, to house all related resources,
services, tools, and faculty members within a singular
structure. Two, to accommodate the ACTUAL TEACHING of
students. Both purposes work in tandem to serve our day-to-
day needs. When one of the two functions is compromised,
the whole system falls apart. You are effectively blocking
workflow and productivity. Additionally, I’m not entirely
clear on why you are conducting an elaborate childbirth
ritual. What does this have to do with your upcoming
production, exactly? And what is the reasoning behind
putting mannequins in blackface? I am concerned.

CHUCKY
don’t want it 2 fall into the “wrong hands”...

SERGE
Jennifer. Had you bothered to read any of my six emails
vis-a-vis the spring production of Macbeth--which is set in
the Eastern Cape of South Africa--you would understand that
this child birthing ritual, or sifudu, is a traditional
practice of the Xhosa people. I am incorporating said
ritual to illustrate the three witches’ prophecy, which
states that Macbeth cannot be harmed by any man born of
woman. I DOUBT you are familiar with the text...spoilers
ahead. Macduff, antagonist to Macbeth, is not literally
born of woman due to his C-section birth. My witches
(depicted as sangomas in my adaptation), are delivering
Macduff, who ultimately slays our hero. Dark-toned
mannequins accurately reflect the production’s South
African setting.
 (Ted replies with a GIF of Phaedra Parks
from Real Housewives Of Atlanta sipping
tea.)

JENNIFER
Via Webster’s Dictionary: Classroom: a place where classes
meet; hallway: a passageway (as in a hotel or office
building) into which compartments or rooms open; racist: a
person who shows or feels discrimination or prejudice
against people of other races, or who believes that a
particular race is superior to another.

CHUCKY
worried b/c a tool that powerful could b used 2 dismember,
cause serious damage, etc. don’t want lawsuit on our hands
:(

SERGE
In case it slipped your mind: I am European. We are born of
a tolerant, free-spirited breed. We are explorers,
purveyors of culture, and...Europe has so many shades of
color. Irish, German, Scottish, Norwegian--all come
together and be different. Have lots of colors. Plus I love
African culture. My girlfriend Rachel is African American,
nice, pretty, she like me. PS...you heard of Laurence
Olivier in Othello? Not all blackface racist, and is
actually good art sometimes!!

(Ted replies w/GIF of an exasperated Sir

Patrick Stewart as Jean-Luc Picard,
dropping his head into his hands.)

JENNIFER
Ah yes, the European defense. We’re all well-aware of your
European sensibilities, especially in the TEACHER-STUDENT
RELATIONSHIP department. Regardless, I don’t see how
shoehorning Macbeth into a white man’s interpretation of
Xhosa tribal practices traditions serves the plot at all.
Given that there are only TWO black students in the entire
department, how do you plan on casting this abomination?

SERGE
1. Rachel graduate before we dated. remember ‘cause her
senior thesis was The Mikado. 2. Gonna cast mannequins.

JENNIFER
Yes, how could we forget Rachel’s cross-dressing turn as
Nanki-Poo in one of the most racially insensitive plays to
date. Your reputation as an enlightened and socially aware
director will forever endure within these hallowed halls.

(Ted replies w/GIF of Stanley from The

Office nodding affirmatively)

SERGE
Arigato!!!!!!!

JENNIFER
I was being sarcastic, you fucking piece of shit.

CHUCKY
circular saw was last seen on work bench in my office. I
think. actually, let me go check.

GENEVA
CREATORS!!! this exchange has gone to a dark place!!!
returning to the matter at hand...Serge, use a goddamn
classroom. PLEASE. Jennifer, thank you for bringing up
some valid concerns. and Chucky: dear, I’m afraid nobody
has any idea what you're talking about. love and light.

JENNIFER
Thank you, Geneva. I concur.

SERGE
K

CHUCKY
nevermind! found it in car!

TED
Best. Day. Ever.

CURTAIN