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The Four Agreements, based on the book by don Miguel Ruiz
Intro to theme
Our theme for camp (CCCAAAAAMMMMPPP!!!) this summer is “Covenant”. The camp
curriculum was written by Allen Cunningham! In the spirit of “covenant”, our fall retreat theme
was “Words”. This spring retreat theme is “The Four Agreements”, based on the book of the
same name by don Miguel Ruiz. This book that has helped many people transform their lives
by teaching four agreements that we can make with ourselves.
An agreement is a form of
covenant.
The most important agreements are the ones you make with yourself. In these agreements you
tell yourself who you are, what you feel, what you believe, and how to behave. The result is
what you call your personality. Agreements that come from fear require us to expend a lot of
energy, but the agreements that come from love help us to conserve energy and even gain
extra energy. These four agreements come from love. They are:
#1 Be impeccable with your word.
#2 Don’t take anything personally.
#3 Don’t make assumptions.
#4 Always do your best.
By the end of today, we will all have these memorized! For real!
One way to remember these 4 assumptions is with a weird acronym: IPAB. Impeccable,
Personal, Assumptions, Best. Acronyms can help us remember things like this, so maybe
someone can think of a better acronym or way to remember IPAB than I Pick A Booger.
Today we will have four sessions, one for each agreement.
#1 Be Impeccable With Your Word
Impeccable = without sin Latin peccatus = sin; im = without
Volunteers read the following sentences or paragraphs aloud. Invite a few minutes of discussion
after each one.
“Your word is the gift that comes directly from God.”
In the beginning was the Word
and the Word was with God
and the Word was God.
The Word was with God in the beginning.
Everything came into being through the Word,
and without the Word
nothing came into being.
What came into being
through the Word was life,
and the life was the light for all people.
The light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness doesn’t extinguish the light.
John 1 Common English Bible (CEB)
“When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge
or blame yourself.”
“The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic. But like
a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word
can destroy everything around you. One edge is the misuse of the word, which creates a
living hell. The other edge is the impeccability of the word, which will only create beauty,
love, and heaven on earth. Depending upon how it is used, the word can set you free, or
it can enslave you even more than you know.”
“Words are like seeds, planted in our mind, that grow; we can plant fear or love.”
“Being impeccable with your word is not using the word against yourself.”
“If I call you stupid, it seems that I’m using the word against you. But I’m actually using
the word against myself, because you’re going to hate me for calling you stupid, and
your hating me is not good for me. If I am angry and send emotional poison to you with
my word, I’m using the word against myself.”
Jesus said, “It’s not what goes into the mouth that contaminates a person in God’s sight.
It’s what comes out of the mouth that contaminates the person.” Matthew 15:11
Common English Bible (CEB)
Sing “Love the Lord” the words are based on Jesus’ two commandments.
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“Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
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He replied, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your being, and with
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all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: You
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must love your neighbor as you love yourself. All the Law and the Prophets depend on these
two commands.” (Matthew 22:3639)
Discussion questions:
How does Jesus’ second commandment relate the the first Agreement, “Be impeccable
with your word?”
Think about the last words of Jesus’ second commandment, “as you love yourself”. What
are some ways we can be impeccable with our words to ourselves?
Whose words do you respect?
What are politicians doing right now about their words? Are they being impeccable?
(discourage political discussion, just focus on what can be observed)
Story for leader to read aloud:
There was an intelligent mother with a very good heart. She loved her daughter very
much. One night she came home a very bad day at work, tired, tense, and with a terrible
headache. She wanted peace and quiet, but her daughter was singing and jumping
happily, unaware of how her mother was feeling. She felt so wonderful, jumping and
singing louder and louder, expressing her joy and her love. She sang so loud that it
made her mother’s headache even worse, and her mother lost control, angrily saying,
“Shut up! You have an ugly voice. Can you just shut up!”
The little girl’s voice was not ugly; her mother just couldn’t tolerate any noise at that
moment. But the daughter believed what her mother said, and in that moment she made
an agreement with herself to no longer sang, because she believed her voice was ugly
and would bother anyone who heard it. She refused to sing at school, and speaking to
others became difficult for her. Everything changed in the little girl because of this new
agreement: She believed she must repress her emotions in order to be accepted and
loved.
Whenever we hear an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes a
part of our belief system. The girl’s mother didn’t even notice what she did with her word.
She didn’t know the power of her word, so she isn’t to blame. She did what her own
parents had done to her: they misused the word.
Discuss this story.
Have you experienced something similar have someone’s words affected you deeply, and long
after they were said?
How can we break the agreement we made with ourselves to believe what was said to us?
#2 Don’t Take Anything Personally (maybe the HARDEST of the agreements!)
Volunteers read the following sentences or paragraphs aloud. Invite a few minutes of discussion
after each one. Remind them that these apply equally to positive and negative things that are
said or done.
“Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”
“We get trapped in personal importance when we agree with whatever is said to us.”
“Taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make
the assumption that everything is about ‘me’.”
“If someone gives you an opinion and says, ‘Hey, you look so fat’, don't take it
personally, because the truth is that this person is dealing with his or her own feelings,
beliefs, and opinions. That person tried to send poison to you and if you take it
personally, then you take that poison and it becomes yours. Taking things personally
makes you easy prey for these predators. They can hook you easily with one little
opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally,
you eat it up. You eat all their emotional garbage, and now it becomes your garbage. But
if you do not take it personally, you are immune. Immunity to poison emotional garbage
is the gift of this agreement.”
‘It is not important to me what you think about me, and I don’t take what you think
personally. I don’t take it personally when people say, “You’re the best,” and I also don’t
take it personally when they say, “You’re the worst.” It does not affect me because I
know what I am.’
“Whatever people do, feel, think, or say, don’t take it personally.”
Even when they say
good things! “You know you are wonderful. It is not necessary to believe other people
who tell you that you are wonderful.”
Now, discuss commercials and ads! What commercials drive you crazy or make you angry?
Which ones do you love? What are the advertisers hoping that you’ll take personally, in order to
get you to buy their products? (to make you feel bad about yourself, so you’ll buy their product
to feel better about yourself)
Discussion questions:
How does this agreement, not taking things personally, relate to the first agreement,
being impeccable with your word? Could it be output vs input?
Is it okay to take positive things personally? When someone says you are wonderful, are
they saying it because of you?
How does God see us (Genesis 1:2631, Psalm 139:1318)? Would thinking about how
God sees us help us not take things personally?
What are some strategies that you can use in order not to take things personally?
One last paragraph, for the leader to read aloud, for the Chi Rho’s future selves:
“If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If
that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her.
Walking away may hurt for awhile, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose
what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to
trust yourself to make the right choices.”
#3 Don’t Make Assumptions
Ask what it means to make an assumption, to assume something. Make sure everyone
understands what it means.
Play a game of Telephone. Leader whispers this phrase into the first person in the line: “What
you pay attention to grows.” That person whispers to the second person what they heard, and
so on. The rule is NOT to ask for it to be repeated. Just repeat what you think you heard the
ONE time you heard it. The last person will say the phrase out loud...it will probably be different
than the original!
Discuss the experience briefly.
Volunteers read the following sentences or paragraphs aloud. Invite a few minutes of
discussion after each one.
“It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because assumptions
set us up for suffering.”
“An example: You are walking in the mall, and you see a person you like. That person
turns to you and smiles, and then walks away. You can make a lot of assumptions just
because of this one experience. With these assumptions you can create a whole
fantasy. And you really want to believe this fantasy and to make it real. A whole dream
begins to form just from your assumptions, and you can believe, ‘oh this person really
likes me’. In your mind the whole relationship begins from that. Maybe you'll even get
married in this fantasyland. But the fantasy is in your mind.”
“We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask
questions.”
“The way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions. Make sure the
communication is clear. If you don't understand, ask. Have the courage to ask questions
until you are clear as you can be, and even then do not assume you know all there is to
know about a given situation. Once you hear the answer, you will not have to make
assumptions because you will know the truth.”
“Find your voice to ask for what you want. Everybody has the right to tell you no or yes,
but you always have the right to ask. Likewise, everybody has the right to ask you, and
you have the right to say yes or no.”
“If you don’t understand something, it is better for you to ask and be clear, instead of
making an assumption. The day you stop making assumptions you will communicate
cleanly and clearly, free of emotional poison. Without making assumptions your word
becomes impeccable.”
Play Two Truths and a Lie. This game is based entirely on assumptions! After each reveal, ask
the group what assumptions they used to make their decisions as to what was a truth and what
was a lie.
Discussion:
How does this scripture relate to not making assumptions?
“Don’t judge, so that you won’t be judged. You’ll receive the same judgment you give.
Whatever you deal out will be dealt out to you. Why do you see the splinter that’s in your
brother’s or sister’s eye, but don’t notice the log in your own eye?
Matthew 7:13
Common English Bible (CEB)
What assumptions have your parents made about you that were wrong?
What assumptions have your friends made about you that were wrong?
How can you catch yourself making assumptions?
What makes us hesitant to ask questions, and makes it easier to assume things?
Share about a time when you wish that you had asked questions instead of assuming.
Agreement #4: Always Do Your Best
Tell everyone to try their very best at this exercise. Everyone stand up, extend your arms to the
sides, parallel with the floor, and make sure you’re spaced out enough that you aren’t touching
anyone. Keep your arms up, and close your eyes. Now slowly lift your left foot off the ground
and balance on your right for as long as you can. When you lose your balance, put your foot
and arms down, and open your eyes. When everyone has stopped, repeat the process with
your right foot. Arms up, eyes closed, raise the foot. When everyone has stopped, sit down.
Discuss:
Did you do your best?
Could you have done better under different circumstances? (if you weren’t tired, or sore,
or sick, or had more practice, etc.)
Can your “best” change from one day to another?
Volunteers read the following sentences or paragraphs aloud. Invite a few minutes of
discussion after each one.
This agreement is the one that allows the other three to become deeply ingrained habits.
The fourth agreement is about the action of the first three: Always do your best. The first
three agreements will only work if you do your best.
If you try too hard to do more than your best, you will spend more energy than is needed
and in the end you best will not be enough.
If you do less than your best, you subject yourself to frustrations, selfjudgment, guilt,
and regrets.
Just do your best in any circumstance in your life. It doesn’t matter if you are sick or
tired, if you always do your best there is no way you can judge yourself. And if you don’t
judge yourself there is no way you are going to suffer from guilt, blame, and
selfpunishment.
When you always do your best, you take action. Doing your best is taking the action
because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward. Most people do exactly the
opposite: They only take action when they expect a reward, and they don’t enjoy the
action. And that’s the reason why they don’t do their best.
When you do your best you learn to accept yourself. Be aware and learn from your
mistakes, which means you practice, look honestly at the results, and keep practicing.
If you take action because you have to, then there is no way you are going to do your
best.
God is life. God is life in action. The best way to say, “I love you, God,” is to live your life
doing your best. The best way to say, “Thank you, God,” is by letting go of the past and
living in the present moment, right here and now.
You can only be you when you do your best. When you don’t do your best you are
denying yourself the right to be you.
Don’t expect that you will always be able to be impeccable with your word. Your routine
habits are strong and firmly rooted in your mind. But you can do your best! Don’t expect
that you will never take anything personally; just do your best. Don’t expect that you will
never make another assumption, but you can certainly do your best.
If you do your best always, over and over again, you will become a master of
transformation. Practice makes the master. Studies show that it takes ten thousand
hours of practice to master anything. So don’t beat yourself up when you’re trying your
best! Keep practicing. You will fail, but don’t judge yourself. Be tough with yourself.
Stand up and make the agreement again. Catch yourself every time you break an
agreement, and agree to start over again tomorrow, and again the next day. Each day
will become easier and easier until one day you will discover that you are ruling your life
with these Four Agreements. And you will be surprised at the way your life has been
transformed.
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Whatever you do, do it from the heart for the Lord and not for people. You know that
you will receive an inheritance as a reward. You serve the Lord Christ. Colossians
3:2324
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You are the light of the world. A city on top of a hill can’t be hidden. Neither do
people light a lamp and put it under a basket. Instead, they put it on top of a lampstand,
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and it shines on all who are in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before
people, so they can see the good things you do and praise your Father who is in
heaven. Matthew 5:1416
Discuss:
One way of looking at sin is that sin occurs when we don’t do our best. What do you
think about that? How can you identify when you are doing your best? When do you not
do your best?
Jesus urges us to repent, to turn away from sin. How do we turn away from not doing our
best? What would it look like to do our best in all things, like brushing our teeth,
completing homework, etc.?
When we mess up or fail to do our best, how do we recover? How might we do better in
the future? How can we encourage others to do their best, too?