House of Cards

by
Peter Ingham

Name: Peter Ingham

Address: 274 Moston Lane East

New Moston
Manchester
M40 3QH

Phone Number: 07812194202

EXT. MATT'S APARTMENT

Arguing can be heard coming from inside of the apartment,

there is a man and a woman shouting at each other and
objects can be heard being smashed.

A few seconds later the door swings open revealing MATT

with his hands on his head, the camera freezes on him.

MATT (V.O.)
I'm MATT, I'm an agent and I'm in
the middle of an argument with my
fiancee who should be coming out
any second now...try not to
judge.

CHARLOTTE comes out of the bedroom dressed in a mini-skirt

and tube top. She begins to walk out the door with her
suitcase in hand. Freeze frame and a description appears of
her.

MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

This is CHARLOTTE my fiancee...or
was my fiancee if things keep
going on like they are.

Then she turns round to look at MATT.

CHARLOTTE
(shouts)
So what if I come home at 2 in
the morning with a guys phone
number written on my bra...it
doesn't mean anything happened!

MATT (V.O.)
Things keep going on like they
are.

MATT (CONT'D)
Well it doesn't instill me with
the greatest confidence that
you'll be faithful to me in the
future...we're supposed to be
getting married for god sakes.

CHARLOTTE
How am I supposed to enter a
marriage built on mistrust and
accusations of infidelity?

MATT (V.O.)
I managed to enter a relationship
like that.
 House of Cards 2.

MATT (CONT'D)
I just feel like I can't trust
you anymore...I just wish you'd
talk to me more.

CHARLOTTE throws her hands up in frustration.

CHARLOTTE
I can't take this any more MATT.
You're smothering me!

MATT
C'mon I would say I'm lightly
choking you, if anything.

CHARLOTTE storms out of the apartment and MATT goes after

her. They both go down the stairs and exit out of the front
door to which MATT follows.

EXT. OUTSIDE MATT'S APARTMENT

MATT lets CHARLOTTE walk and slows down in defeat. He puts

his hands on his hips and puts his head down.

MATT (V.O.)
Nice going MATT.

He turns back around makes his way back into the building.

INT. MATT'S APARTMENT BUILDING

The camera follows him but MATT stops just before he

ascends the stairs causing the camera to bump into him.

CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S APARTMENT

MATT lethargically walks through the apartment and looks

into the kitchen.

MATT
She even took the blender.

MATT walks out of the kitchen an takes the phone off it's
receiver and begins to dial as he walks into the bedroom.
After a few seconds CHARLOTTE picks up the phone.

MATT (CONT'D)
CHARLOTTE don't act like this.
Come back, please. Let's talk
about this.
 House of Cards 3.

A dial tone is then heard signalling the phone being hung-

up.

TIME CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S APARTMENT

The phone rings again.

MATT
Don't act so childish CHARLOTTE,
speak to-

TIME CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S APARTMENT

Again the phone rings.

MATT
Ha! I'm hanging up first!

MATT hangs up the phone, sighs and then goes and sits on
the bed putting his head in his hands. After a few seconds
he looks at the phone again.

MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

What's the point?

MATT puts the phone on the side table and lies back on the
bed. The camera looks down on him as he closes his eyes and
sighs.

FADE TO BLACK.

INT. MATT'S APARTMENT - MORNING

MATT wakes up with his hand outstretched on the phone on

the side table. He then knocks the phone off the table.

TIME CUT TO:

INT. MATT'S APARTMENT

MATT is putting on his tie and jacket, and then grabs his
suitcase. He walks into the kitchen and then pauses at the
empty space where the blender once was. I can't live (if
living is without you) by Nilsson can be heard and then
after a few seconds his sad face is replaced by a puzzled
one as he looks to the left and then turns off the nearby
radio.
 House of Cards 4.

There is then a shot of MATT'S face with a forlorn

expression as he exits the kitchen and then the apartment.

EXT. PROGRESS STREET - MORNING

MATT is walking down the street when his phone starts to

ring. He picks it up and puts it to his ear.

MATT (BUSINESS-LIKE)
Matt Reynolds.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING

Sat on large chair in the foyer.

MARCUS
Matty, it's Marcy

EXT. PROGRESS STREET - MORNING

MATT
Marcy?

INT. OFFICE BUILDING

Looks at metrosexual man who walks through a nearby door.

MARCUS
Johnny!

EXT. PROGRESS STREET

MATT
No. Matthew...your Brother.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING

MARCUS
Oh hey Matty...listen I really
need to get some work here. Do
you have any idea what it feels
like to be unable to do the thing
you love most?!

EXT. PROGRESS STREET

MATTHEW looks up as a screenshot of him blending comes up

for a split second.
 House of Cards 5.

MATT
I didn't know being the guy that
dances in the cage at Bar-bars
had become such a big part of
your life.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING

MARCUS
They wont let me in any more
after my gyrating caused the cage
to fall down and crush the clubs
manager.

*New's paper cutout of man crushed by cage and the

accompanying headline:*

EXT. PROGRESS STREET

MATT
Anyway listen Marcy, if you're
referring to you're so called
acting career there's just a lot
on my plate at the moment. I'll
help you out at a more convenient
time; speak to you later.

MATTHEW puts the phone down and walks in a set of office

blocks while still looking at his phone.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING

As MATT is walking through the foyer his brother jumps out

from behind a pillar and startles him; they both give off
stupid looks.

MARCUS
Is now a more convenient time
brother?

MATT
I told you I can't at the moment
something came up.

MARCUS
What could be more important than
my acting! Did you see how well I
did 'scary' then?

MATT
As well as that may have been, I
have some news to tell you.
 House of Cards 6.

MARCUS
Hmm?

MATT
Me and CHARLOTTE have broken
up...the weddings off I think.

MARCUS
God that's terrible!

MATT nods his head solemnly

MATT
Yeh it's been-

MARCUS
I can't believe they cast him for
that!

MARCUS walks over to a TV screen.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
I would have made a much better
Tinman!

MATT looks at his brother with destain.

MATT (V.O.)
Your acting is as hollow as the
tin man...

INT. AUDITION ROOM

Flashback to one of MARCUS'S acting auditions with his

brother sat at the table with two other men. MARCUS is
reciting the soliloquy from Macbeth but being over dramatic
in his actions and speech, at one point coming very close
to MATT causing him to lurch back.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING

MATT
I'm sure it's their loss Marcus.

MARCUS sighs.

MATT (CONT'D)
OK, I have to go now...I'll get
in touch when I can.

MARCUS walks off camera. MATT sighs and shakes his head and
gets into the nearby elevator. The door closes on him.

CUT TO:
 House of Cards 7.

INT. MATT'S COMPANY FLOOR

The elevator doors open and MATT walks into the his
companies floor. He gives a wave and a nod to different
employees as he passes them on the way to his office.

As he walks toward his office he can see JOANIE his PA sat

at a desk looking at a computer screen. She see's MATT
coming and greets him.

JOANIE
Hi MATT, how you feelin'?

MATT
How would you feel if your
girlfriend came home with some
guy's number scrawled on her bra?

JOANIE
Erm

MATT
Forget I said that. Me and
CHARLOTTE broke up...that's what
I was tryin' to say.

JOANIE
Oh...I'm sure you'll find another
girl.

MATT (V.O.)
But not other blenders.

JOANIE
Your true love could be right
under your nose, you know.

JOANIE turns away slightly embarrassed.

MATT
Ha, well who knows...Anywho any
messages for me?

JOANIE
Just that you have to go see
BRANDON after your 10 o'clock.

MATT starts walking toward his office.

MATT
My 10 o'clock?

We can see JOANIE mouthing the name to him but he is too

lost in thought to take notice as he walks into his office.
 House of Cards 8.

INT. MATT'S OFFICE

MATT opens the door and starts to walk in.

MATT (V.O.)
My ten o'clock? Who is that?
Johnny the underwear model...he's
been getting a lot of press these
days.

MATT goes to close the door into his office; when doing so
reveals DENVER WALLACE and MATT jumps startled.

DENVER
(shouts)

HYAAAAH!

MATT
God, don't scare me like that,
what are you doing here?

DENVER
I'm no god Matthew...just a lowly
actor who spent-

MATT puts on a bored face.

MATT

DENVER
MATTHEW, 8 seasons on America's
number 1 prime time show.

Cut away to a flashback to his prime time show and why he

quit.

INT. COURTROOM

DENVER is pacing around a courtroom while a suspicious

looking man is sat in the stand.

DENVER
And it turns out that you
poisoned your sisters ice cream
and watched her die in your arms.

DEFENDANT
Never!

DENVER
Refreshing treat for a hot
summers day?
(MORE)
 House of Cards 9.
DENVER (CONT'D)
Oh no, it was as cool and as
calculating as you sir!

Points finger toward defendant.

DEFENDANT
Son of bitch!

The DEFENDANT jumps from the witness box and tries to

spring on DENVER while his back his turned but DENVER grabs
him and throws him over his shoulder sending him crashing
through a table.

DENVER
Case closed.

CUT TO:

MATT
Yeh. So you're here about the
celebrity news bulletin for
W.A.N.C .

Looks off to the side.

MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Is that offensive?

DENVER
I can't believe all I'm getting
are these crappy parts...I should
be guest anchorman or, or, Jesus
or somethin'. I'm DENVER WALLACE
for god sakes. Did you see how
well I did 'scary'?

MATT
But alas you're just a 'lowly
actor'.

MATT walks to his desk and clicks the mouse a few times
while DENVER goes and reclines on a large couch.

MATT (CONT'D)
OK. So here's what's gonna
happen. You have been asked to
interview the oldest woman in the
world on her 115th birthday.
Bring her a present...ask her
about her life et cetera. She is
staying at 'Morning Wood'
retirement home. I need you to be
there for 4 so we can prep for
the live broadcast at 6. That OK?
You got that?

DENVER springs up from the chair.

 House of Cards 10.

DENVER
Oh yes, and I shall give her an
interview to remember.

MATT
Great. Make her feel like she's
100 again.

DENVER
Yeah!

DENVER starts to walk out of his office.

MATT
(shouts)
Remember. Morning Wood.

DENVER doesn't look back but throws his arms up knocking

some files out of an employees hands.

DENVER
Yeah!

MATT (V.O.)
One down...Wonder what BRANDON
wants.

MATT gets up from his seat and walks toward the door.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE BUILDING

MATT walks towards BRANDON'S office and is about to knock

when he can hear crying emanating from behind the door.
MATT puts on a puzzled look.

MATT (V.O.)
Is he crying?

MATT knocks on the door and then opens it slightly.

MATT (CONT'D)
BRANDON it's MATTHEW, I'm coming
in.

MATTHEW opens the door and walks into the office.

INT. BRANDON'S OFFICE

MATT walks into BRANDON'S office and sees him standing at

the window with no pants on. Brief cut to description of
BRANDON.
 House of Cards 11.

MATT (V.O.)
BRANDON my boss, he's been like a
mentor to me since I first got a
job here.

INT. BRANDON'S OFFICE FLASHBACK

MATT walks into the room.

MATT
Hey I'm MATT the new guy.

BRANDON is sobbing on the desk with no pants on.

CUT TO:

INT. BRANDON'S OFFICE FLASHBACK

MATT opens the door BRANDON is sobbing with no pants on.

MATT
I'm engaged!

CUT TO:

INT. BRANDON'S OFFICE FLASHBACK

MATT walks into the office with a birthday cake and the
rest of the staff singing 'happy birthday', again BRANDON
is sobbing.

CUT TO:

INT. BRANDON'S OFFICE FLASHBACK

BRANDON
(sobbing)
I can't believe this.

MATT
I cried once when I lost my
pant's...it was graduation
day...I had to give a speech

MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

And then I woke up.

BRANDON
No Matty my pants are just fine.

He points to the chair where his pants are hung over.

 House of Cards 12.

BRANDON (CONT'D)
Me and LYNETTE had an argument.

MATT
I'm really sorry to hear that
BRANDON. Kind of weird but just
so happens that me and CHARLOTTE
broke-

BRANDON interjects.

BRANDON
We were at a dinner party last
night...

INT. SWANKY APARTMENT

Flashbacks accompany the voice over. The room is filled

with guests and waiters carrying drinks and h'ordeurves.

BRANDON (V.O.)
I'd had one too many peach
daiquiris...

Shows him swaying about while taking sips of the drink.

BRANDON (V.O.) (CONT'D)

And I ended up coming onto her
mother.

It cuts to BRANDON and LYNETTE'S mother.

BRANDON (CONT'D)
If you didn't have an artificial
hip I wouldn't thinK twice about
bending you over that counter
top.

It snaps out of the flashback.

INT. BRANDON'S OFFICE

MATT
Smooth.

BRANDON
You've got to help me sort this
out MATTY. How am I supposed to
fix this?

MATT
Get her some flowers, take her
out for a meal...usually works.
 House of Cards 13.

BRANDON
Oh yeah...I can take her to
Franco's, she loves that place.

MATT
Well there ya go, problem solved.

BRANDON
Thank's Matty, I owe you one.

BRANDON begins to march out of the office and as he walks

out MATT shouts back to him.

MATT
Better take your pants with you.

BRANDON turns round to regard him; hands on his hips.

BRANDON
Where I'm going I wont need
pants.

MATT
Well, just to be safe.

MATT gets the pants and throws them to BRANDON and he

starts to walk off.

MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

How does he get his legs in that
good shape?

MATT'S phone starts to ring and he takes it out of his

pocket and answers it.

MATT (CONT'D)
Matt Reynolds.

INT. ART & FAYE'S HOUSE

The screen cuts in half with the right hand side showing
MATT'S parents house and the other side continuing to show
MATT in the office complex.

ART
My begonias!

Freeze frames on his face, description of the father.

MATT (V.O.)
My dad; built up his flower
business from the ground but
never really had time to work on
us.
 House of Cards 14.

Shows pictures of dad with plants at events that he should

have gone to children with; competitions, fairground etc.

MATT (CONT'D)
Dad? What's going on? You OK?

ART
It's your mother Matthew, she's
not coming back, she's leaving
me.

MATT
Dad...I hate to tell you this but
she all ready left you...a month
ago.

ART
But that was only supposed to be
a break MATTHEW.

Smashing and screaming can be heard.

MATT
Oh dad, put mom on, let me speak
to her.

ART
No, not the petunias as well, I
had to tend to them every night
for a month!

The dad puts the receiver on speaker phone and the camera
shifts to the mother with a plant pot in one hand and some
pruning scissors in the other.

FAYE
When was the last time you tended
to my petunia?

Freeze frame on FAYE for description.

MATT (V.O.)
My mom; she doesn't really get
along with my dad and has a
tendency to 'over react'.

CUT TO:

INT. FANCY RESTAURAUNT

A waiter is screaming in pain with a fork in his leg while

the mother sits there at the table.
 House of Cards 15.

FAYE
I said medium-rare you bastard!

CUT TO:

INT. ART & FAYE'S HOUSE

ART
Oh god! Not my pride and joy.

MATT looks shocked and confused.

MATT
Pruning dads crotch will not
solve anything mom.

FAYE
Oh Matthew, your dads only 'pride
and joy' are these damn plants.

MATT starts to walk out of the office.

MATT
OK you two listen. I'm gonna come
round and see if we can sort this
out...So er mom put the shears
down, and dad...hide your 'pride
and joy' somewhere safe.

MATT puts the phone down and walks over to JOANIE'S desk.

MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Just one thing after another
today.

MATT (CONT'D)
JOANIE take my messages and push
all my appointments back till
tomorrow.

JOANIE
Did, er, something come up MATT?

MATT
I have to run to my parents house
before my mom prunes my dad's
'pride and joy'. Hopefully should
have this sorted out before my
Morning Wood.

JOANIE
OK then MATT...have fun.

MATT
How much fun is Morning Wood
anyway hey?
 House of Cards 16.

He runs into his office grabs his coat, comes back out and
exchanges glances with JOANIE

MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

There is no reason I should feel
awkward about what I just said.

They exchange nods and then walk off.

CUT TO:

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - AFTERNOON

MATT exits the building and goes into his pocket for his
car keys.

MATT (V.O.)
Ugh...left them in the
building...I'll have to rely on
good old public transportation.

MATT walks to the nearest bus stop and waits near the sign
where next to him is a crazy homeless person chunnering to
themselves.

MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Gotta love it.

Then the bus pulls up in front and MATT and he gets on.

INT. BUS

MATT pays his fare and sits down in the relatively empty
bus. The crazy man also gets on the bus and out of all the
empty seats the man sits next to MATT. MATT exchanges a
nervous smile and then turns slowly to the window. The
crazy man then puts a hand on MATT'S thigh.

MATT (V.O.)
Just block it out...that's what
they did in Shawshank.

CUT TO:

INT. BUS

The scene cuts to MATT standing up on the bus holding the

crazy man's hand in his own and the scene interjects
halfway through their conversation.

MATT
Because, things would never work.
I'm just very busy at the moment-
oh look at the shiny thing.
 House of Cards 17.

To which MATT points over to one end of the bus and the
crazy man looks. MATT then jumps over the seat and runs to
the nearby exit door.

MATT (CONT'D)
(shouts)
This stop!

The bus screeches to a halt and the doors open and MATT
exits.

EXT. JOHNSON STREET

MATT gets off the bus and turns round to look at it. The
crazy man has his hands and face against the window when I
can't live (if living is without you) starts up as the bus
starts to drive off. The music cuts out after a few seconds
and MATT begins to walk off.

INT. DAD'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

MATT walks in the house to find his father crying over a

broken plant pot. He walks over to him and crouches down to
his level while putting a hand on his shoulder.

MATT
Still crying over those petunias
dad?

ART
She left Matthew...and she said
she's not coming back

MATT
She left? On another break?

ART
She's got a new apartment down
town...she told me to send all
her things down there.

MATT
You couldn't stop her?

ART
She was threatening to cut off
the petals! I couldn't let her do
that, those plants are more
important to me than my children.

MATT looks at him in bewilderment.

ART (CONT'D)
As important, as important.
 House of Cards 18.

MATT (V.O.)
I'm touched.

MATT (CONT'D)
C'mon dad...maybe if we get it
into a bowl quick we can save it.

ART
Good thinking.

ART runs over and grabs a bowl and then proceeds to put the
plant into it.

ART (CONT'D)
I don't know what to do Matty.

MATT
I'll try and talk to mom, see if
I can talk some sense into her.

ART
Would some 'mircalefeed' help you
little guy?

MATT
Dad. Focus. Mom's address, where
is she?

ART points to a piece of paper on the kitchen counter to

which MATT picks up and reads.

MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Dear Arthur...yada yada
yada...trimmed my bush...blah
blah blah...explore my garden. Ah
finally. The address, and I only
had to be mentally scarred to get
it.

MATT turns around to his dad.

MATT (CONT'D)
Can I borrow the car dad? I left
my keys at work.

ART
Your mother took the car. There's
only the company car.

Flashback about the car and the business accompanied by

photos.

MATT (V.O.)
My dad first started off as a
mobile flower salesman.
(MORE)
 House of Cards 19.
MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
This car now stands as a symbol
of all he worked for...and it's
great for in the city...at a
cost.

MATT (CONT'D)
Goodbye pride.

ART
The keys are by the door.

MATT
Thank's dad.

CUT TO:

EXT. DAD'S HOUSE

MATT exits the house and runs down the steps and opens the
garage door. Inside is the 'Seed-Mobile'.

MATT (V.O.)
Hasn't aged a day.

MATT gets in the car and begins to drive off.

END OF ACT 1

CUT TO:

EXT. FAYE'S APARTMENT

The 'Seed-Mobile' pulls up outside the apartment bloc and

MATT gets out of the car and walks into the building.

INT. MATT'S MOM'S APARTMENT

MATT opens the apartment door where he see's his mother

kissing a man in a green military beret.

MATT
Mom, what the hell's going on?

FAYE and RODRIGO look at MATT in shock and then RODRIGO

dives behind the nearby couch where his beret can still be
seen.

MATT (CONT'D)
I can still see your beret.

RODRIGO then ducks lower.

MATT (CONT'D)
Much better.
 House of Cards 20.

MATT then looks to his mother.

MATT (CONT'D)
Mom what's going on? Why are you
living here?

FAYE
I couldn't take living with your
father anymore Matthew...the man
showed me no attention and you
know I have needs...that's where
ROD came in.

MATT
ROD?

FAYE
He shows me affection Matthew and
he wants to know everything about
me.

Cut to scene of him asking her questions about her social

security numbers and bank account details.

FAYE (CONT'D)
My account number? I don't see
why not.

FAYE starts to unzip her top. Focus on ROD'S face curled in

disgust.

FAYE (CONT'D)
That handsome young man at my
birthday was the last one to pay
me that much attention.

MATT (V.O.)
It was more like you were paying
him for the attention.

MATT (CONT'D)
That's all well and good mom, but
what about dad? He's falling
apart.

FAYE
It's over with him Matthew...I
just think it's time for us to go
our separate ways.

MATT
You really think that mom?
Because me and CHARLOTTE kind of-

FAYE
Besides...me and ROD have been
going at it for a while now.
 House of Cards 21.

MATT
Thought I saw a glimmer of hope
there mom...So is there nothing I
can say or do?

FAYE
I'm afraid not.

MATT starts to make his way to behind the couch.

MATT
Well at least let me meet your-

MATT looks behind the couch but no one is there.

MATT (CONT'D)
Wow...I underestimated him.

The sound of the door can be heard opening and MATT and
FAYE both turn to regard it as Melissa Reynolds enters with
a box in hands. The description of her roles and then the
scene continues.

MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

My younger sister Melissa...but
since she, 'came out' at her last
birthday party everyone calls her
MEL.

MATT (CONT'D)
MEL? What're you doing here?

FAYE
Did the gay pride start off their
march from my living room this
year?

MEL
I just came to drop off some of
your things...dad told me to
bring them round...I don't plan
to stay long.

FAYE
Hmph...I'm going to powder my
nose. Make sure she doesn't paint
the apartment all the colours of
the rainbow while I'm gone.

MATT
Mom please.

FAYE walks off out of shot.

MATT (CONT'D)
Don't take any notice MEL.
 House of Cards 22.

MEL
I can't remember the last time I
did.

MATT goes and takes the box off MEL.

MATT
So, I take it you know that mom
doesn't plan going back to dad
anytime soon.

MEL
Maybe it's for the best.

MATT
Ah, I don't know any more.

MATT puts the box down on the table.

MATT (CONT'D)
So, how's life? You and Kat still
together.

MEL looks away awkwardly.

MEL
No, we, er...broke up.

MATT
Ha, funnily enough me and-

Flashes to the other people that he tried to unsuccessfully

tell.

MATT (CONT'D)
Never mind.

MEL
Did you see Marcy today?

MATT
Yeh, hounding me about getting
him a part.

MATT looks at his watch.

MATT (CONT'D)
Ugh, that reminds me I'm supposed
to be somewhere soon.

MATT looks at MEL.

MEL
Can you drop me off somewhere
first?
 House of Cards 23.

MATT
Err yeh, I guess I can spare the
time.

MATT reaches into his pocket and takes out his keys and
then throws them to MEL.

MATT (CONT'D)
I'll wait for you in the 'Seed
mobile' Batman.

MEL (UNENTHUSIASTICALLY)
Err.... Sure thing...

Matt nods, promptingly...

MEL (CONT'D)
...Robin

MATT (V.O.)
I'm Robin?...better Go give
Alfred the heads up.

MATT grabs the box off the table and walks into the
bedroom. He goes to open the wardrobe but finds ROD hiding
in there. They exchange awkward glances and then ROD closes
the door on himself. MATT decides to dump the box on the
bed and then makes his way out the bedroom.

His mother meets him as he exits.

MATT (CONT'D)
I've have to go mom, someone
needs to get something productive
done today.

FAYE
Well OK Matty...I'll see you
soon.

MATT
By mom.

MATT gives his mother a kiss on the cheek and then begins
to walk toward the door when his mother shouts back to him.

FAYE
Have you seen ROD?

MATT
In the cupboard mom.

FAYE
Again?

CUT TO:
 House of Cards 24.

EXT. FAYE'S APARTMENT

His sister is leaning on the side of the Seed mobile.

MATT
OK then where to?

MEL
Francos Bar.

MATT
Ohh, business or pleasure.

MEL gives him a cheeky smile.

MEL
A little bit of both I hope.

The scene cuts to MEL and a fat, grey-haired, bespectacled

womea talking about account information.

EXT. FRANCOS BAR

The car pulls up in front of the bar and MEL exits. She
turns round and leans in the car.

INT. SEED MOBILE

MATT is staring dead ahead to Francos Bar.

MEL
Thank's for the lift MATT, I'll
see you later.

MATT continues locked in his gaze.

MEL (CONT'D)
MATT.

MEL takes her head out and looks to where MATT'S gaze is
leading.

EXT. FRANCOS BAR

CHARLOTTE is sat in the exterior area of the bar by

herself. MATT gets out of the car and stands next to MEL.

MEL
Isn't that your fiancee MATT?

MATT
(without breaking his stare) Was,
my fiancee...we broke up.
 House of Cards 25.

MEL
(concerned) Oh MATT, you wanna
talk about-

MATT starts to walk toward CHARLOTTE. MEL shouts to him.

MEL (CONT'D)
(shouts) See you later.

And she walks off.

CUT TO:

EXT. FRANCOS BAR

MATT walks up to CHARLOTTE.

MATT
CHARLOTTE, what are you doing
here?

CHARLOTTE takes her sunglasses off and looks at MATT

awkwardly.

CHARLOTTE
Oh, MATT. Fancy seeing you here.

MATT
Yeh, fancy that. Why are you
here?

CHARLOTTE
Can't a woman go out and buy
herself a drink?

MATT
Well I guess.

MATT takes a seat at the table.

MATT (CONT'D)
Listen I was thinking about what
happened the other night, and, I
wanted to talk about it. Maybe we
can give things another
go?...What do you think?

CHARLOTTE
I don't think that's the best
idea MATT.

MATT
But...

A man walks towards CHARLOTTE and kisses her on the cheek.

 House of Cards 26.

STEVE
Hey babe.

MATT
Who's this?

CHARLOTTE
This is STEVE, MATT. A friend of
mine.

MATT
The bra guy?

STEVE
He knows my work?

MATT looks at CHARLOTTE with contempt and then imagines

himself knocking STEVE out with a toaster.

MATT (V.O.)
But where would I find a toaster?

MATT (CONT'D)
So am I wasting my time here?

CHARLOTTE
I think so.

MATT (V.O.)
Great. A fantastic intermission
to an already fantastic day.

MATT gets up from the table and looks to his right, where
BRANDON and his wife are sitting. BRANDON leans in toward
MATT.

BRANDON
(whispers)
You can take off your pants if
it'll make you feel better.

MATT
I'll pass.

MATT then walks to where his car was once parked.

MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Didn't I park here?

Screeching tires can be heard coming from off camera

causing MATT to turn around.

The Seed Mobile can be seen driving off with two youths in
the front screaming wildly.

MATT (CONT'D)
My car!
 House of Cards 27.

A person comes running up to MATT as he stands there in

distress.

BYSTANDER
Did your car just get stolen?

MATT
Yeh, I have no idea how it
happened.

Flashback to MATT leaving the car to go to the bar. Zoom in

shot on him leaving the keys in the ignition.

BYSTANDER
You have 'no idea'?

MATT then looks round at the woman with a stern expression.

MATT
No idea.

MATT then looks at his watch. The time on the face is

15:45.

MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Damnit I'm gonna be late!

MATT looks around and notices a senior citizens bus with

'Morning Wood' on the front with a line of elderly people
queuing to get on.

MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Success.

MATT runs over to the bus and queues up with the other old
people. He gives nods and smiles to the old people as he is
in the queue and eventually gets into the bus.

INT. MORNING WOOD BUS

The driver stops MATT when he gets near him.

BUS DRIVER
You must be the youngest old
person I've ever seen.

MATT
Bathe myself in goat's milk every
morning; big family secret, don't
tell anyone I told ya.

BUS DRIVER
Somehow I doubt that.

MATT
Cow's milk?
 House of Cards 28.

BUS DRIVER
Really?

MATT
Really?

BUS DRIVER
No. Get off.

MATT
But.

The old people start to make a ruckus behind him.

OLD MAN #1

Hurry up damnit. I need to be changed!

MATT turns round.

MATT
Please sir, give me a second and
then we'll all get what we
want...whether that be our
diapers changed or...
(looks around to and old
lady and nods toward
her)

OLD WOMAN #1

My 5 o'clock enema.

MATT
Forget I asked.

MATT turns to look at the driver.

MATT (CONT'D)
OK then
(takes out his wallet)
Maybe this will help.

MATT takes out a $20 bill and places it near the driver.

BUS DRIVER
Well look at that, you just got a
lot older.

MATT
Thank-you.
 House of Cards 29.

MATT goes and takes a seat at the bus and the man in the
diaper sits next to him causing MATT to shift uncomfortably
away.

CUT TO:

EXT. MORNING WOOD REITREMENT HOME

The bus stops outside the home and MATT piles out with the
elderly people, he then runs toward the front doors while
checking his watch.

INT. MORNING WOOD REITREMENT HOME

MATT walks toward an area that has been cordoned off to be

used as a makeup booth. Sat in a chair with a makeup woman
around him is DENVER.

DENVER
Easy on the blusher honey, my
cheeks should look like they've
been lightly pinched not like
I've been bitch slapped by that
hooker I underpaid last night
because she wouldn't do that
weird thing with the bottle when
on the website it specifically
said she'd be into that freaky
shit!

MATT
Focus DENVER, this is gonna be a
big day for you...for us both.

DENVER bats the makeup woman away.

DENVER
Yeh I know...that's why I took a
couple of pills to, you know, get
me 'focused'.

MATT
Oh dear god.

DENVER gets up from the chair and looks at MATT.

DENVER
Oh Matty don't give me that look.
Everything's gonna be fine, tip-
top, ship-shape, zim zom zune.

MATT
OK you're really gonna have to
calm down.
(MORE)
 House of Cards 30.
MATT (CONT'D)
Go and take a rest in the room
over there and collect yourself.

DENVER
Yeh, maybe I should take a quick
power nap...get myself in the
zone ya know.

DENVER walks toward a small room talking too himself.

MATT (V.O.)
This is falling apart already.

MATT walks over toward to the news producer.

MATT (CONT'D)
Hey, how's everything going? We
all set?

PRODUCER
If your man manages to stop
coming on to the over 70's we
should be cooking on gas.

MATT
We can always pray.

MATT looks around the room.

MATT (CONT'D)
So where's the birthday girl?

PRODUCER
She's in makeup over there.

The PRODUCER gesticulates in the direction with his

clipboard to which MATT nods his head and walks over.

CUT TO:

INT. MORNING WOOD REITREMENT HOME

AGNES is sat in a chair getting her makeup done.

MATT
Hey, there she is.

MATT walks over to her.

MATT (CONT'D)
There's the birthday girl. You
sure we're not here to see the
sexiest woman in the world, hey
AGNES?

MATT nudges the makeup woman.

 House of Cards 31.

AGNES
(shout)
What?!

MATT
OK then.
(Pauses)
Why don't we go and find DENVER
and he can give you a birthday
hug?

AGNES starts to nod and MATT helps her out of the chair.

CUT TO:

INT. MORNING WOOD REITREMENT HOME ROOM

DENVER gets out of the bed and stretches. He reaches into

his pocket and takes out a pill container. He unscrews the
lid and takes a few pills out and swallows them.

DENVER
Show time!

DENVER then walks out of the room.

CUT TO:

INT. MORNING WOOD REITREMENT HOME

MATT is talking to the producer.

MATT
So I thought it'd be fun if AGNES
went up to DENVER and gave him a
little hug.

PRODUCER
Yeh, that should be OK. Viewers
love that. We'll give her the mic
and she can go over to Mr.
Wallace.

The director looks across the floor.

PRODUCER (CONT'D)
Everybody in their places.

The PRODUCER gives AGNES the mic and gets the camera man on
her.
 House of Cards 32.

PRODUCER (CONT'D)
OK, we'll be going out in 5. 4.
3. 2.

CUT TO:

INT. W.A.N.C NEWS STUDIO

TOM and SALLY

TOM

Will those bears ever learn SALLY?

SALLY
When there's salmon about, all
lateral thinking goes out of the
window.

TOM
I think we all feel that way
SALLY.
(pause)
And now time for our celebrity
news bulletin. This weeks
bulletin is brought to you by
DENVER WALLACE of 'Statuary
Justice'.

The small screen between them fills with the live feed from
MORNING WOOD.

SALLY
But hey TOM, that doesn't look
like DENVER WALLACE. It looks
like AGNES Blumenfeld the oldest
woman in the world.

TOM
Happy Birthday AGNES.

AGNES
(shouts)
What?!

SALLY
Over to you AGNES.

CUT TO:

INT. MORNING WOOD REITREMENT HOME

AGNES is stood there and stands motionless for a several

seconds. MATT starts waving his arms about to get her to
move.
 House of Cards 33.

MATT (V.O.)
For the love of god move.

MATT comes onto camera and helps her out.

MATT (CONT'D)
Come on you. Let's go see DENVER.

MATT helps her along and takes her over toward DENVER.

CUT TO:

DENVER is stood talking to a girl who is with the news crew

as MATT and AGNES approach.

JUMP CUT TO:

DENVER
So how about after I interview
'the worlds longest dry streak' I
take us to a place where I can
brush up on my 'one on one'
interview techniques...through
sexual relations.
(winks)
DENVER then smiles sleazily at
the girl. She then slaps him
across the face.

DENVER (CONT'D)
I hope that didn't mess with my
blusher.

MATT and AGNES are now right next to DENVER and AGNES grabs
him by the hips causing DENVER to scream manically and
throw AGNES over his shoulder causing her to crash through
the table in front of him. Everyone stares in shock.

MATT (V.O.)
Maybe this is all a bad dream.
(looks down at his
pants)
Damnit...they're still on.

PRODUCER
What the hell have you done?!

DENVER looks straight into the camera.

DENVER
Attempted rape...you saw that. I
have the evidence on camera.

The screen cuts to a 'connection lost' symbol.

CUT TO:
 House of Cards 34.

INT. W.A.N.C NEWS STUDIO

TOM
Apologies to our viewers, we seem
to be experiencing some technical
difficulties and will be back
will that story as soon as
possible.

CUT TO:

EXT. MORNING WOOD REITREMENT HOME

AGNES is being stretchered off into an awaiting ambulance.

DENVER
Well, at least we gave her a
birthday she wont forget.

MATT
And your broke a bone for every
year she lived...I'm sure she
wont be forgetting that any time
soon.

DENVER
She was probably on the cusp of
Alzheimer's any way.

MATT
I'm sure she wont miss the use of
her legs.

MATT turns to look at DENVER as the ambulance drives off,

sires flaring.

DENVER
And now we just wait for the work
to come rolling in right?

MATT
If by work you mean all the paper
work and court cases that will
surely ensue after this complete
shambles of a day, then you'd
probably be right.

DENVER
I better invest in a good blusher
then...

MATT
Or you could ask that girl to
slap you again.
 House of Cards 35.

DENVER
Did the colour come out well?

MATT
Yeh, it brought a childhood
innocence to your face.

DENVER
Score! I better go find her then.

DENVER marches off with an idiotic grin on his face and

MATT walks away from the reitrement home.

MATT (V.O.)
Now I just have to figure out how
to get back...and what am I
supposed to tell dad about the
Seed Mobile?

MATT stands on the spot with his hands on his hips and his
head held low. After a few seconds an elderly woman comes
up and hugs him. MATT returns the hug to which the woman
shouts.

ELDERLY WOMAN
(shouts)
Rape!

MATT looks around and quickly runs off.

CUT TO:

EXT. MORNING WOOD REITREMENT HOME

The camera goes to DENVER.

DENVER
(shouts)
Come on MATT, don't run away,
finish the job.

He then looks to the makeup lady and straightens his face.

DENVER (CONT'D)
Just kidding.

FADE TO BLACK.

END OF SHOW