Before and After

The self-doubt, the low self-esteem, and low confidence--It all started in third grade at

Hawkins Elementary School. ​I was a shy girl I was a quiet girl, if I ever spoke I would stutter

and would avoid eye contact with anyone. ​I had friends I surrounded myself with people that I

would occasionally hang around with.. I did well in school. Nothing was wrong with my life. I

didn’t really care much about my looks, my intelligence, or me in general. I was fine with who I

was. Then suddenly, the bullying started. Along with that came the whispers, the rumors, the

lies, the insults. Everyone left me, I had no one. I began to get self-conscious about everything

and anything. I began to worry on how I look, if I was smart, if I even could trust anyone. Fast

forward to the first year of middle school at Klein Park, the self-harm began. Andrew, the boy

who found me annoying enough that I get punched because of it, is the reason for the harm. It

made me believe I deserved getting hurt for the things I do and for the things I say and feel. A

year later, I was afraid of love. Stupid, right? Why is a 13-year-old girl even considering the

thought of love being scary if I’m still so young? Well, it wasn’t my own experience that gave

me the reason to be afraid of love, it was those around me that was getting hurt because of it. The

fear of love, the trust issues, the fear of the repetition of abuse, the self-harm, the low

self-esteem, the low confidence, getting self-conscious over everything, it stuck to me. I forgot

what it was like to be positive. My freshman year started at Venturidge High School, I was

expecting the worst in everything at all the times just to not feel disappointed or hurt. It might

not have seemed a lot, but it was so much for me to go through that life became hard. However I

made small progress, I made friends. The ones I could actually count on, but I still needed fixing.
When I opened up to them, they couldn’t even help. I believed none of their words. They

eventually forgot what happened to me and gave up. I didn’t mind that, I wasn’t expecting them

to make me feel better. I stopped believing in anything positive if it had to do with me. It

eventually gets ruined. All that changed though, because there he was one day, sitting across

from me during lunch period. He was quiet and just listening to our friends talk. His name is

Nathan, and little did I know how much he’d impact me and change me to who I am now.

I get anxiety frequently. Sometimes they’re for a good reason, such as taking an exam.

Most of the time, they’re from irrational thinking, such as imagining my classmates insulting me

for always asking for help or for getting the answers wrong, or just because of how I am and how

I look. Other times, it’s for no reason at all, it just happens. Today in my fourth-period class I got

hit with anxiety. I started to cancel out what was happening around me. My thoughts began to

run through my head, and they weren’t good ones. I started to feel insecure, depressed, lonely,

etc, but I couldn’t show it. I hide my feelings and that’s mainly because I know others have it

worse. I think to myself that I don’t deserve to express them or think they’re reasonable feelings

because it isn’t fair to those going through or have been through worse situations. “Celeste,”

Bianca says to call for my attention, “Let’s go, Andy’s waiting out in the halls for us. We won’t

get to lunch in time for food at this rate.” I didn’t realize the ​bell has already rung, the sound of a

ding played into my ears late. I hurried myself to catch up with Bianca. The minute Bianca

opened the door, we see and hear the halls crowded because of the upperclassmen. The hallways

were filled with students and teachers, so many loud conversations were happening that Bianca,

Andy and I had to raise our own voices to hear each other. Once we entered the lunchroom, it

wasn’t any better. Having both sophomores and freshmen in the same cafeteria created chaos.
The line to get to lunch wasn’t a line anymore, they were just ninth and tenth graders swarming

in packs hoping to get the good food that’s still left. I sat down at the usual table where my best

friends were sitting in. I notice Andy starting to plug in his headphones to listen to music, Mark

working last minute on his homework, and Antonio and Bianca talking. Those are my best

friends. Then there was Lily and Nathan. Lily knows my guy best friends back in elementary

school, she brought along Nathan for the fun of it. I look at Nathan and notice how ​quiet he is he

wouldn’t speak when the rest of us were into the the topic, he would just stand there amused just

by listening to the conversation instead. I can’t blame him, if I was brought to a group of

unknown people I’d be quiet too. I felt bad for him, I know what being in this situation was like,

so I couldn’t help but talk to him, “Are you okay?” He looked up at me and simply nodded. I had

a feeling he wasn’t, but I wasn’t in the position to ask him to open up and say the truth. I spaced

out after that, and I guess Nathan noticed because once I snapped back into reality, I saw him

looking at me. I smiled at him and he looked into my eyes. I suddenly felt even more anxious

and looked away. While everyone else in the group began talking and laughing, I was enjoying

my lunch and smiling that my friends are happy. I never really cared about myself, I started

caring about others more and I guess you can say I’m selfless. I put other people’s needs before

my own, so seeing that my friends are smiling and laughing made me happy. What didn’t make

me happy was that Nathan was behaving how I was, isolated and unhappy. I looked at him and I

then ask again, “Are you sure you’re okay?” He blinked, no emotion was shown on his face. He

looks at me and asks, “Are ​you okay?” I was so off guard by his voice, he was talking. He waited

for my response, and all I could reply was a short and simple yet dishonest answer, “Yeah.”
 The next day, I began to feel and notice that I my face, body and brain were ​terribly ugly

and stupid my face was chubby, my eyes were small, my nose was too big along with my

forehead, acne mars were placed on the side of my face, my mind comprehends things too slowly

and once put together no words aloud can be said without sounding confusing or wrong. It is

worse than ever before. During my lunch period, I group myself with Nathan and a couple of

girls, May and Monica, from the volleyball team outside the school building and onto the field.

I’m not expressing much happiness on my face, so May start to say nice things to me to make me

feel smile, “Celeste, you’re so pretty and athletic. How are you so perfect?” I scoff, “You need

help,” I didn’t like that I am insulting myself in my head and May had the sudden need to say a

lie that made me add on insults to think to myself. “Girl, you ARE pretty, look at your curves,”

Monica said smiling while passing the ball over to me. I bump the volleyball over to Nathan and

said softly, “I’m really not,” Nathan looks at me and I change the subject so that he didn’t feel

awkward or have the need to compliment me. I never like to accept people’s compliments, I

consider them lies and just pity compliments. I notice other students starting to walk inside and I

rush to my things to leave. Once I left the field and start to head to the building, Nathan taps me

on my arm. I stop walking, and smile at him, “Hey.” He looks behind him, I follow his eyes and

notice that Monica and May try catching up. “Text me once you’re home,” He told me before he

left to get to his next class. Before I could ask why, Monica and May reached to me and we walk

in the building together. Once I got home and finished my homework, I decided to listen to

Nathan and message him. I reach for my phone and tap on the ghost that opens up Snapchat. I

tap on Nathan’s name and started typing to him, “Hey, what’s up?”

Within a minute, he replied, “Hey. Do you really think you aren’t pretty?”
I stare at the question and try to answer in a way that I don’t sound as if I am looking for a

compliment, “I don’t have the self esteem or confidence to think otherwise.”

“Do what I do. Fake it till you make it,”

I rolled my eyes and typed down, “Like that’ll work,”

“It does for me,”

“For you,” I then typed something I couldn’t imagine myself texting someone else this, “But you

don’t have to fake anything, you have it all. A cute face, sweet personality, girls coming at you

right and left. You don’t have to fake anything to make it because you have it already.”

“Sure,” He typed and continued, “You see it that way, but it isn’t like that at all. I get girls

coming at me right and left sure, but I only want one in mind. This isn’t about me anyways, it’s

about you. What about you do you think isn’t pretty about you?” Without thinking, I told him

every single detail of what I don’t like about myself. I told him everything. I begin to type that I

do not like my face for having an ugly nose, ugly eyes, an ugly lip from biting, and how my

cheeks are too chubby. I then typed about how I look anorexic, how my thighs are too big, and

about not having what every other girl has. Then from looks I talked about my intelligence. How

I don’t deserve to be in honors classes, how I always ask for too much help from friends and

teachers, and how I won’t make it in college. I stopped typing, the minute I realized how much I

was being pathetic I became angry with myself. How could I have easily opened up to him? He

probably feels pity for me. He probably agrees with everything I have said. I became self

conscious, my anxiety has started to get into effect as I felt nauseous. I didn’t know why I felt so

worried. He was my best friend, I didn’t worry so much when I told Antonio, Mark or Andy.

Then I realized I have caught feelings for him. I cared about what he thought of me and my
problems. I felt so stupid for letting it happen and for letting my guard down. Before I saw his

response, I closed off Snapchat and decided to go to sleep feeling worse than I usually do.

The following day I felt like I have embarrassed myself. I haven’t opened Nathan’s

message, I refused to. During my classes I couldn’t concentrate so I forced myself to by

scratching my neck. Time flew by too slow for my liking, but it the bell rung and it was then my

lunch period. I bit my lip and I kept on biting it, I was so frustrated with what I have done it was

nerve wrecking. I decided to skip lunch to starve myself and went directly outside. I took in the

fresh air and screaming teenagers and walked around the field. I saw Nathan playing volleyball,

he stopped playing and looked at me. I immediately turned around to avoid him, but I was too

slow that he turned me around and looked at me worriedly. I then decided to somehow make him

forget what I had said to him and told him, “Hey, um, just forget about yesterday. I didn’t mean

to put you on the spot like that.”

He looked at my lips, he said to me sternly, “You are doing a bad habit. Stop biting your lip.”

“It’s not possible. I’ve always had this habit.” I told him.

“Well, start trying.”

I crossed my arms and slowly backed away from him, “It’s hard,”

“I’ll help,” He offered and stepped forward.

“How?” I looked at him, I had no hope he would be able to change how I think or act.

He leaned in and kissed my lips and after doing so he said, “You shouldn’t bite your lip because

I wouldn’t like to taste blood when I kiss you.”

I was shocked, I didn’t know what to say. I looked at him unsure how to respond.
He pulled me in for a hug and whispered, “Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have done that but if you

could see everything I see, you’d realize how all those comments you made about yourself

yesterday were lies.”

“Pity,” I answered as I pushed away from his hug, “This is pity.”

“No, it’s not. I know what it’s like to be like this. I helped myself, now since you can’t help

yourself, I’ll help you.” He said and reached to touch my cheek. I flinched when I saw his hand

lift up towards my face, I still get scared I’ll get hit. “I’ll help with that too.” He said, “I’ll help

you with everything. With me you won’t have to worry.”

“Why are you doing this? What do you want?” My heart was pounding so hard I could feel it

about to come out of my chest.

He smiled and said, “I care about you, and you know I don’t care about just anyone. What I

want? I want you and I want you to be happy with yourself.”

“I don’t think, I’ll ever be happy with myself. Too many flaws, you won’t have enough

patience.” I turned around to walk away, but he quickly hugged me from behind and didn’t let

go.

“You didn’t flinch.” I felt his smirk, “Progress already.”

I laughed at him and before I could point out anything my best friends were calling me over to

play volleyball. I felt my phone vibrate and saw it was a message from Monica. I opened it and

she sent a text that stated, “I ship it.”

I smiled softly and look at Nathan. He noticed me looking and smiled back. Something about

him makes me want to risk it and see if he can actually help me. A part of me also doubts it, but

who knows maybe he’s different. And he is.

 Every time it was our lunch period, he hugs me from behind at random moments. I flinch

half the time but it was so consistent I stopped flinching. I’ll tell you what he has done for me

that changed my life forever. By hugging me, holding my hand, by poking me randomly I didn’t

flinch anymore. By taking pictures of us together, by taking pictures of me, by telling me

everyday how beautiful I am, I am now fine with how I look. By showing that he cares for me

and by making me feel safe, I no longer bottled up my feelings. He proves to me that he won’t

leave like everyone did in my life. I no longer continue my self harm. Because of Nathan, I don’t

scratch to the point I leave red marks, I don’t bite my lip to the point it bleeds, I don’t punch the

wall the point my knuckles turn red, and because of Nathan, I no longer insult myself. He keeps

on helping me even in my darkest days. He continues to make me happy with myself. Thanks to

him I no longer. I still think he exaggerates when he calls me beautiful or gorgeous, but I no

longer neglected his compliments. I no longer insult my face, or body. I still get self conscious

but like I said, Nathan continues to help me. I probably shouldn’t need someone to make me look

at myself better, but it happens. He changed my life for the better. I have a self esteem now, I am

a bit more confident in myself, my anxiety gets better in control, my depression has been less

frequently, I smile more and I am not scared nor do I flinch when I’m touched, and this is all

because of him. I look at myself differently now. Now the question is, will I remain like that if he

ends up leaving? Yes, I will, but get this--I know he won’t.