CHAPTER I

A few months ago, my friend Adam jumped to his death.

Actually, it wasn't even a few months ago. In fact, it happened just a couple of weeks ago.

Though, to me, it feels like months. You know, like that metaphor people use when they think
something's been dragging on for too long. It was as if it happened many months ago.

The subject of Adam's death has been dragging on for too long. Even Masey, the popular girl from
school hasn't said "Can you guys stop talking about Adam and how he died? That was so last week" even
though she says that about everyone's shoes, and clothes and hairstyles.

But I guess I'm more popular then Masey now because people have stopped ignoring me and at least six
people today have attempted to talk to me. (Attempted.) (But unsuccessful.)
And they all asked me the same question:

Kelly: So, why'd he jump?

Hina: Hey, do you know why Adam jumped?

Alyssa: Can I ask you a question? Why did Adam jump in the first place?

Leslie: Adam was so cute! My cousin's friend kind of liked him. Well, I'm not sure if that's what she said
exactly, but it's super sad how he just had to die like that. Why did he jump, though? Not to be rude or
anything.

Jennifer: Sup. Why'd Adam jump? Not to be offensive or anything.

Layla: Why'd he jump?

I kind of shrugged and walked away.

There was one other person who attempted to talk to me, and actually succeeded in getting a response.

Oliver: Adam was such a fag.

The response was a punch.

And now I'm waiting outside the Head teacher's office, sitting next to Oliver who's got a pretty bad
bruise on his left eye.

CHAPTER II
Two days before Adam jumped to his death, I got a text message from him:

Adam :

Would you cry if I died?

I replied:

No. I'd probably throw a party or something.

I didn't know why, but Adam didn't reply back. Which struck me as odd because Adam didn't take things
like this seriously, and he knew I was only joking, and he knew I would cry if he died even if it's not a
thing guys usually like to admit.

But I foolishly didn't persist the matter.

And right now, I'm crying a lot as I read the message. I read it over and over and over. I can't stop, and if
I don't stop, maybe I'll go mad too. Maybe I'll jump to my death too.
And something makes me do it. I know Adam will never read it, but I type him another message, and I
know the message won't send because his phone went crashing down in to the sea with him.

But I do it anyway.

Hey Adam I know this is too late but just so you know I would cry if you died. Well, you're dead now but
it doesn't matter. You'll probably laugh at me for saying this but I miss you so much. I punched Oliver
because he called you a fag. You hated him didn't you? You said you wanted to punch him once but you
never really got the chance. I hope you aren't too mad I got the satisfaction of doing it.

Dude, I miss you.

Message failed to deliver.

CHAPTER III
Today, my parents had an argument.

I mean, it's not that they never fought. They always fight. They usually fight over dad's obession with
football (I never liked football. Hated it.) and how fat dad's getting and how mum thinks it's a nasty habit
for dad to burp in public.

But this was one of those arguments that ended up with mum crying in the bathroom, and dad drinking
beer and swearing at Toddlers and Tiaras. Usually, I wouldn't pay attention to them because they nearly
always ended up laughing at it later on. But today, I do pay attention. Because they were arguing about
me.

Their room is right next to mine, and the walls that separate us are thin (unknown to my parents, for
some reason) so I can pretty much hear everything they talk about. They thought I was fast asleep. They
thought I would never hear. But I did.

Mum: I'm scared for him, Alf. We should send him to...to a doctor or something -

Dad: There's no point. Leave the boy alone, he'll be fine. I had three brothers who died in my family.
Three. It's time he learns that people aren't always going to stick around -
Mum: Oh for fuck's sake Alf, he's sixteen! He's too young to be...to be...to be going through something
like this. Adam was his best friend. They'd known each other a good six years, you know?

Dad: I knew my brothers for well over fifteen years and-

Mum: You weren't exactly friendly with each other were you? You didn't even care that they died. I can't
stand to see my boy like this. He doesn't talk, he barely eats anything that's set on the table, he's
stopped going to meet up with friends after school...don't you think he deserves a life?

Dad: My son has a life thank you very much!

Then, they started yelling all sorts of things at each other. Then I think dad slapped mum and she burst
out of the bedroom and in to the bathroom. I couldn't do anything about. I don't think I really did want
to do anything about it. I simply shut my eyes and cried a little harder that night.

Today, at school, I walked across Oliver and his gang of cronies. They balled up their fists when they saw
me and I thought I was going to get beaten up. But Oliver caught my eye, and for a minute we just
stared at each other. Not agressively. We just...stared.
Then Oliver's eyes flit away, and I think his cheeks went a little pink, but maybe I was just imagining
things.

CHAPTER IV

My mum's put me in to counselling classes.

It's weird because I remember how Adam and I used to make fun of people who were called out of
classes during random times of the day to talk about their feelings with old women who smelled of
ancient furniture.

Except, my guidance counsellor isn't old. She's actually very young; just started her job apparently.

When I walked in to the room, it was very quiet, and very bare and smelt of coffee and old books. There
was a circular table between two cream sofas, and my guidance counsellor was sitting on one with a
notebook perched on her lap.
She smiled at me.

I didn't return it.

Her: So, you must be Matt?

Me: Yeah. (Shifted uncomfortably.)

Her: My name's Daisy Barley. You can call me just Daisy, or if you want, maybe Ms. Barley, although that
makes me feel really old. (She smiled again.)

Her: So...(She looked pretty uncomfortable now.) Would you...Would you like to tell me...about...about
yourself?

Me: My name's Matt. (Curtly.)

Her: (Laughing uneasily.) Well, I know that. But, tell me...tell me what your favourite color is. Or perhaps,
what you would like to be when you grow up - or, possibly-

Me: A writer.

Her: I'm sorry?

Me: A writer. I want to be a writer. I wanted to be a writer.

Her: So, you don't want to be a writer anymore? (She wrote something on her notebook. I couldn't read
it because her handwriting was really messy.)

Me: No.

Her: And why not?

Me: Because there's nothing to write about.

Her: I'm sure there is. Some people write in diaries, and then they publish them, you know that? Of
course, there's stuff you need to edit of course and-

Me: Can I please go now?

Her: Wha - um well - ah, well, our session doesn't end until quarter to twelve-

Me: I want to go now.

Her: (Uneasy.) I - well - well -

Me: I'm going.

Her: Hey - Matt - where are you going -

Her: Look, it's hard Matt - I know, but you came here for a reason and I really, really know I can help you
if you cooperate-

Me: I didn't want to come here.

Her: But I want to help you!

Me: (I was shouting.) Leave me alone!

I burst out of the room and ran out, ignoring the shouts of protest that came from the Daisy woman. I
ran and ran and ran and ran and Adam was in my mind and I could hear him screaming (Even though I
wasn't there when he jumped to his death) and I could hear Daisy screaming, and I heard my mum
screaming, and my dad, and suddenly I was screaming too. My legs gave out on me and I landed on the
floor and my eyes went all bleary and my heart was beating too loudly for me to hear any of my
thoughts.

Adam. Adam. ADAM. ADAM. AAAADAAAAAMMMMMMM.

I miss you Adam.

I need you right now, dude.

Man, come back.

Why did you kill yourself?

What the fuck?

Why?

Why?

You said you were fine.

You said you were fucking fine.

I miss you Adam.

I miss you.

So much. So, so much.

Fuck you so much.

I miss you.

CHAPTER V
People say I look like Adam.

I mean, sure, we're the same height (We were the same height). We shared the same eye color (Blue)
and we both had dark, curly hair. I stare in to the mirror and trace my jawline. No. Adam's face was
structured different. His jawline was much more sleek. I remember a girl telling him that.

And my eyes are a paler shade of blue.

An unfriendly shade of blue.

Adam's were light blue; always shining, always friendly.

And if you look closer, you can see that Adam was obviously the better looking one.

But no one really looked close enough. Not even his seven ex-girlfriends.

The first girlfriend was Mary. Though, it was a childish relationship, and they only lasted a week before
Mary dumped him for Johnson Fuller because he was the only boy in class who got pocket money.
The second was a short fling too. I don't even know what her name was so I don't bother to try and
remember her.

The third was Camilla, and she lasted longer than I thought she would because Camilla was thicker than
a set of bricks. They broke up because Adam made fun of the way Camilla didn't know how to spell the
word 'caterpillar'. Apparently, girls only like being teased when you're not dating them.

The fourth and the fifth were actually twins. Rin and Chloe. Wait - no - Adam never really dated them.
He just kissed both of them. Rin first. So, Rin was his first kiss. But he said her breath smelled so he
decided to kiss Chloe two days after that, just as an experiment, apparently.

Her breath smelled too, he said.

His sixth girlfriend was his first legitimate relationship. Pippa. I think Adam liked her a lot because they
went out for a year. Adam told me loads of things about her. Like how cute her freckles were, and how
Pippa's smile made Adam feel all funny in the inside. I think Adam had been in love with her at some
point. Like, no fooling around. The real deal. But Pippa and him broke up one day - He wouldn't tell me
why. Forget it, I remember him saying. Just forget it.

I don't know about his seventh relationship. But I knew he was in one. I'm pretty sure whoever this
person was, was in our school because Adam would always be sneaking off to the library at lunch times,
and he would always be pink at the mention of love. I begged him to tell me who it was but he wouldn't.
You'll hate me for it, he said.

Would I?

I don't know.

Adam was going to tell me who the seventh girl was. That was, in fact, our last face-to-face conversation
before he decided that his life was not worth living.

Adam: I think I should tell you.

Me: What?

Adam: About that person.

Me: You're shitting me. You're shitting me. Who is it? Come on you douche, tell me who it is! (I was
punching at this point.)
Adam: I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

Me: Then tell me!

Adam: Not now. W-When I'm ready.

Me: Give me a clue. Just give me a clue dude.

Adam: W-What if I told you it- it was someone that we both hated? S-Someone who-who is-

Me: You're dating Cara?! Cara?!

Adam: No. Oh my god, no. No. Oh, no. Never. No.

Me: You sure dude? Because you sound unsure.

Adam: Just leave it okay?

He gave me this look. This really pained look on his face that made my heart hurt. He looked at me and
suddenly took hold of my hand. I winced but didn't shake it off.

Adam: I love you, man.

Me: What?

Adam: I love you, man. I just...I just don't say it very often. I feel like I should say it more often, you know?
It's good. It's good to let people you care about know that you love them.

Me: Been reading your mum's romance novels have you?

Adam was laughing now, and he suddenly hugged me.

Adam: I fucking love you.

And he was crying. And then, I didn't really understand why he was crying and I laughed at him and told
him I loved him back. I didn't understand.

But now I do.

But now I do.

And now, I'm the one whose crying.

But this time, Adam isn't here to laugh at me.

CHAPTER VI
Kiss me hard before you go. Summertime Sadness.

I just wanted you to know that baby you're the best.

It's on repeat. On and on that song goes and I find myself humming along with it.

I got that summer time, summer time sadness. Got that summer time, summer time sadness oh ohhh.

Adam would laugh at me right now, I know he would. You see, he despised Lana Del Rey. Her style. Her
voice. Everything. I guess I wasn't really in to her much either. I never really understood the point of her
songs, or what they meant or why the were so famous.

But I didn't understand a lot of things before Adam killed himself.

And as sick as this sounds, I learnt a hell lot more about life after Adam died.
I just wanted you to know that baby you're the best.

And believe it or not, I think I'm getting better now.

I got that summer time

It's probably just weird mood swings I get from my anti-depressants.

summer time sadness

Or maybe it's just hope that I'll move on.

Sa-Sa-summertime, summertime sadness.

Wishful thinking.
The music dies down and so does Lana Del Rey's voice and the hope inside of me vanishes along with it
and it leaves me hurting even more then I was before I listened to that damn song. I shut my eyes tight.
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in - breath - in - breath - out - in - out - in

I let out a sob and ball up my fists, punching my pillow hard.

Fuck this shit.

CHAPTER VII

a/n: whooaa all those reads?? thank you thank you thank you!! i love you all <3 <3 <3

one last thing: this chapter is dedicated to proseablility for the amazing cover she made for me which is
on the right<3 and also for her amazing support!
***

Five years ago, I met Adam Fernandes.

Five years ago, I pretty much hated Adam Fernandes because he was one of the cool, popular kids. He
was the one of the cool, popular kids who got all the girls, and always got in trouble with the teachers
but eventually got away with everything anyway.

Yeah, I hated him.

And I guess he hated me too, to some extent. I was the weird kid who hung around at the back of the
playground reading comic books and talking to other weird kids about Star Trek and Harry Potter and
always lost races during Sports Day.

We ran in two different circles.

But one day Adam came up to me. I still don't know why. Maybe it was because he was just bored
because his best friend wasn't at school, maybe he just wanted to steal my lunch money like his friends
did, or maybe it was a dare or something.

Safe to say, I was scared shitless because Adam Fernandes didn't just come up to a Geek to share
pleasantries. Yes, I was definitely going home with a black eye. It didn't matter what I'd done because
Adam was one of those kids who didn't even need an excuse to hit someone.

(He got away with stuff like that too.)

And the conversation went something like this:

Adam: It's Sports Day soon.

Me: I know.

Adam: What you doing?

Me: Dunno. You're doing football right?

Adam: Yeah, with James, you know my mate?

Me: Yeah.

Adam: What're you reading there?

Me: Nothing. Stuff.

Adam: Harry Potter and the - the what? Ph-Philo-so-p

Me: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone.

Adam: Isn't that for, like, babies or something?

Me: No it isn't. It's a really good book. It's about-

Adam: I don't really...uh care.

Me: Then why are you here?

Adam: Er...I don't really know.

And he kind of shuffled off. After that, he started coming over to me more often until one day, Adam
decided to leave his group and hang out with me. It struck me as odd, yet surprisngly pleasant because
Adam had chosen me over them. Of course, his group reacted and they often tried to beat me up (They
tried to beat up Adam too) but we always laughed it off.

Adam taught me how to kick a football.

I taught Adam how to read books and actually enjoy them (He became a big fan of Harry Potter too).

Adam taught me how to throw a punch.

I taught Adam how to control his anger.

Adam gave me advice on girls.

I gave Adam advice on homework.

Adam jumped off a cliff.

And he left me alone once more.

And everyday, I walk through the halls of my school and I watch people walk past me.

But they don't ignore me anymore.

No.
This time they stare.

They used to stare at me with this sympathetic look in their eyes.

But now, they just stare.

And it scares me a lot.

CHAPTER VIII

I was at the park today where me and Adam used to mooch about on Friday afternoons after school.
I was on one of those creaky swings, my legs swinging back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I
was listening to Lana Del Rey again. It's creepy how much I listen to her these days. I hope Adam's
having a good laugh up there - up in that heaven place - if it exists.

Feet don't fail me now

Take me to the finish line

Oh my heart it breaks every step that I take

That's when I heard someone cough. Startled, I looked up to see Oliver who was sheepishly looking back
at me with his hands stuffed in to his pockets.

Oliver: Hey.

Me: What?

Oliver: I said 'Hey'. Take those bloody headphones off.

Me: Don't tell me what to do.

Oliver: Whatever, Matt.

Me: What do you want?

Oliver: I...I just - about what I said - that thing - you know - that
Me: When you called Adam a fag.

Oliver: Yeah.

Me: And?

Oliver: I'm sorry.

Me: You're a massive douche, you know that?

Oliver: I do.

I didn't know what to say next. I stared down at the ground.

Keep makin' me laugh

Let's go get high

After a couple of seconds, Oliver spoke again.

Oliver: That punch was pretty neat though.

Me: Yeah?
Oliver: Yeah.

He sighed.

Oliver: He threw punches exactly like that. Adam, I mean.

Me: Who else would you be talking about.

Oliver chuckled. Actually chuckled. And not in a bad, You're-A-Loser kind of way.

Let me take a walk on the wild side

Oliver: Matt - C-Can I - Can I tell you something?

Me: What?
Oliver: You won't go telling anyone?

Me: No, what is it?

Oliver: If you go telling anyone at all, I'll make sure that-

Me: Spit it out, already.

Oliver: I'm not sure if-

Me: Then why did you bring it up?

Oliver: I love him.

Me: Love who?

Oliver: Adam.

Me: You're not funny.

Oliver: I'm serious, dude. I -

Me: Shut the fuck up.

Oliver: Look, Matt, dude, I'm not lying. I-

Me: You're pushing it.

Oliver: Matt, stop walking away - Matt, hear me out, Oi --

That's when I punched him again.

CHAPTER IX

I'd punched him harder than I thought.

There was a large cut on Oliver's lip and it was bleeding so much that I actually felt a little bit guilty. But
it was quickly replaced by hurt. And anger. And confusion. I quickly started walking away, fists clenched,
heart hammering against my chest, and nausea crashing in to me like a tidal wave.

I got home and ignored mum who was asking me where I had been for nearly two and a half hours. I
walked up the stairs and in to my room, and I shut the door, and I cried. Not for the first time of course.

Except, I had been crying for so long that my sobs sounded hollow, dead, meaningless. I wasn't sure why
I cried. Why was I crying? Why was Oliver such a dick? Why were people so heartless? Why was I alive?
Why was anyone alive? Why was Adam not alive? Why did he kill himself? Why did Adam jump?
I was shivering at this point. I curled in to a fetal position and let the pain eat me away. Bit by bit. Piece
by piece. I shut my eyes. Deep breaths. I ignored the ringing in my ears.

A couple of hours later, I woke up with sweat and tears sticking to my face. I glanced at my phone which
I had carelessly thrown on the floor. I picked it up and clicked on contacts. Adam.

Send a message?

Yes

So Oliver said he loves you. I'm not sure if I responded to him properly. I punched him again, just so you
know. He's got a nasty cut on his lip, but I'm pretty much past caring.

Tell me. Did you love him back?

Was he your last relationship?

I didn't even know you liked guys. I mean, you were always talking about girls and boobs and Jennifer
Lawrence. Didn't cross my mind that you were interested in guys, let alone Oliver.

And Oliver.

Dude really? You didn't even trust me enough to tell me. I mean, yeah, I would've been pissed. Real
pissed. But at least you would've been there to save me from cutting Oliver's lip.

Man, are there any more secrets you've been hiding from me?

Man, fuck you.

But I still miss you a lot, though.

Message failed to deliver.

Failed to deliver.
FAILED TO DELIVER.

failed.

to.

deliver.

failed.

to.

deliver.

failed.
My message to Adam failed to deliver. I don't know why, but it makes me feel sick.

CHAPTER X

It occurs to me how little people care about Adam's death.

When I went to school today, I noticed how happy people seemed. It's not that their not allowed to be
happy. It just seems so unfair that they get to be happy, while I'm stuck forever in the shadows of my
past.

And it makes me angry.

Especially James.
James used to be Adam's best friend, before me. I'd go as far as to say that they were way closer than
Adam and I would ever be. Back in the old days, Adam and James were, what kids like to say, "brothers
from different mothers."

They were attached to the hip. Always talking about football, and video games, and new episodes of Top
Gear. Stuff me and Adam never really had conversations about.

But James was one of the cool, popular kids who bullied people. Adam did a fair bit of pushing around -
but never anything as serious as James. James was a scary kid. Good looking and flirty, to girls. But
malicious and dangerous, to boys. That's probably one of the reasons why Adam decided to leave the
friendship - and join me.

I thought James would've been at least a little upset about Adam - even though they haven't had a
proper conversation in years. I would've thought James would be at least a little conflicted. But I saw
him pressed up against a skinny brunette girl, kissing the life out of her. I must've had a disgusted look
on my face because James momentarily broke off from the girl and glared at me.

We both stared at each other before James' eyes flickered back to the girl's, and they resumed their
snog fest. I walked away with gritted teeth.

CHAPTER XI
I saw Adam's mum, Mrs.Fernandes, walk by our house today.

She'd stopped right in front of our house for a couple of seconds, and her face sort of screwed up in to a
grimace and she quickly started walking away again.

Mrs. Fernandes has changed a lot. And I don't mean in a good way.

She always used to leave her hair out. It was real pretty - her hair I mean; blonde and curly, with hints of
natural golden highlights. Today, she had scraped it back in to a tight bun. All the color and prettiness
had vanished - leaving her hair to be a greasy, yellow mess. Mrs. Fernandes had always been on the
plump side, and she was always complaining about how she needed to lose weight but it never worked
out because she ate a lot. Now she's all skin and bones - her legs are puny little twigs, her eyes popping
out of their sockets. And all her son had to do was drop dead.

I asked my mum about her this afternoon, and I think she tried to avoid the topic - but I managed to
coax out the details.
Mum: Well, Tina (That's her first name. I used to call her Tina, but I'm not sure if it's appropriate now.)
Tina's not doing very well.

Me: She lost a lot of weight.

Mum: You haven't heard, Matt?

Me: What?

Mum: Oh. Oh - never mind.

Me: No, tell me.

Mum: Are you sure - you -

Me: Just tell me.

Me: Well...she - she's been diagnosed with...(Her voice was cracking) cancer.

I didn't say anything.

I just blinked at her. Mum stared back at me, eyes sprouting with tears

And then I sank to the floor and buried my face in my hands. She sank next to me and pulled me in to a
hug. Mum whispered to me about how Mrs. Fernandes was going to be fine, that I was going to be fine,
that Adam wouldn't want me to worry and that we could visit her any time I wanted.

I'm sitting out in the backyard now, and it's getting a little dark out. The moon's out - looks really pretty.
I remember how obsessed Adam used to be with this stuff - the moon, stars, the galaxy. My lips twist in
to a sad smile. Adam wanted to be an astrologer - no, wait - Ah, he wanted to be an astronomer. That's
the word I was looking for. I chuckle as the wind softly blows on my face. I always get those two words
wrong.

I remember how terrified I was when Adam asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I'd always
find a way to change the subject - or simply lie by saying "I don't know." But one day, I finally grew
enough balls to tell him.
I want to be a writer, I had said.

Adam didn't laugh, surprisngly. He didn't say "Don't girls usually write books?" He just smiled and
patted my back.

Adam: I knew it.

Me: What?

Adam: It was pretty obvious all along. You totally could write a book.

Me: How did you guess?

Adam: Have you seen the grades you get for English?

Me: Didn't think you cared about that stuff.

Adam: Do you peg me as a jerk or something? I mean - OK, I used to be a jerk back when I hung out with
James. But you've changed me.

Me: You're so cheesy. Maybe you should be a writer - the stuff that you say could be perfect for a girly
romance.

Adam nudged me sharply.

Adam: Shut up, you dick.

Me: Glad that you finally admit I have one.

He grimaced and I laughed, slapping the back of his head playfully.

I have a huge lump on my throat and I quickly blink back the tears that have started to gather around my
eyes. Then I walk back in to the house to have dinner.
CHAPTER XII

I finally talked to Oliver.

It's not like I had a choice, because my mum let him in to the house with a big smile on her face. I sort of
froze in my seat and stared at Oliver who was smirking triumphantly. (Smug Bastard).

Mum didn't seem to care that it was Oliver who was visiting my house - she knew me, Adam and Oliver
had this feud thing going on between us. But I guess, at this point in time, she doesn't care. Mum's
probably really happy that I've started talking to people again, and people have started coming over to
my house like Adam used to.

I'm not really going to ruin her mood by telling her Oliver only came over because he needed to talk to
me about Adam.

So we sat awkwardly next to each other as mum happily hummed away in the kitchen.
Oliver: I'm sorry if I made you angry by coming over.

Me: Apology not accepted.

Oliver sighed.

Oliver: Why are you being such a douche?

Me: Didn't bother you before. Why care now?

Oliver: Listen - About Adam -

Me: Did you guys date?

Oliver looked alarmed.

Oliver: W-What?

Me: You heard me the first time. (I clenched my fists).

Oliver: Adam and I - ugh - it's complicated.

Me: Try me.

Oliver: (He gave a deep sigh) Remember that project we had to do for science? And I was forced to
partner up with him?

I nodded. Adam had gone on and on about how unfair it was that he had to partner up with Oliver while
I had a partner who actually did some work without arguing. It had gone on for weeks, until he stopped
talking about him altogether, and when I had started to suspect he was dating someone.

Oliver: Well - one day, - one day we sort of - we, well...

Me: I haven't got all day you know.

Oliver: We -- promise you won't freak out?

Me: Why would I --

Oliver: Well, you did punch me twice, you know.

I actually smiled.

Me: Touch

Oliver clasped his hands together and looked at me.

Oliver: We kissed.
My expression must've alarmed him because he backed away slightly.

Me: You what?

I was spluttering in disbelief. Oliver loved Adam. That was something that already shocked me beyond
words. But Adam actually loving Oliver back? And kissing him? What? It was an unimaginable,
uncomfortable feeling -- especially since Adam and Oliver had been enemies since -- well, forever really.

Oliver nodded, biting his lip.

Me: So--so let me get this straight. You kissed Adam. And he kissed you...back?

Oliver: Actually he made the first move--

Me: So you guys kissed?

Oliver: Yes. (His cheeks were flaring up in embarassment).

Me: Then why did you call him a fag...if...if you're gay too?

Oliver frowned and then shrugged.

Oliver: I was guilty.

Me: Guilty of what, exactly?

Oliver put his hands on his face. I think he was trying really hard not to cry and I felt really
uncomfortable, unsure of what I should do.

Oliver: My parents--they--they've always told me that gay people go to hell. And I've grown up learning
that and -- and when I found out I was in love with Adam, of all people, I was guilty. I mean--the thought
never crossed my mind when we kissed. We kissed a lot, but we never actually--you know--dated. And
after he died, it all came crashing down on me. My feelings, my sexuality. And you look so much like
Adam, you know that? And when I saw you, I freaked out. It reminded me so much of him and--and--
that's the first thing that popped in to my head. I fucked up big time.
Me: That's the shittiest excuse ever.

Oliver: I know.

And then he started crying.

Not loudly, because my mum was in the kitchen. But really softly, just enough for me to hear. I didn't try
to comfort him--I know he'd feel worse if I did that. But I watched him cry and I think he needed that. He
needed someone to cry in front of, to let it all out.

We didn't say anything for awhile. He wiped his tears away and got up.

Oliver: I need to get going now.

Me: Okay.

Just as he was about to open the front door, he turned to me.

Oliver: I miss him just as much as you do, you know? I meant what I said--I love Adam. And I hate myself
for it.

And he left.

CHAPTER XIII

I don't know why, but when I woke up today, I felt happy.

It wasn't the sort of happy where I woke up with butterflies in my stomach. It wasn't the sort of happy
that made me feel as if I was the luckiest person in the world. It was just a normal happy. A normal Its a
pretty day kind of happy, which doesn't make sense, but it was just one of those days.

I talked to a few kids at school, and the teachers looked faintly pleased when I raised my hand to answer
a few questions. Honestly, I don't remember much of today save for a few minor details, but what I do
remember is that I was happy.

I sat next to a few kids Adam and I were well-acquainted with. There was Georgia with her freckles, and
Landon, the lanky kid with goofy glasses and Janice, the tall, awkward girl who actually has a really good
sense of humor.

We were laughing a lot for some reason. I think Janice had been making a really funny joke about Mr.
Spencer's death breath or something like that - and I was laughing so hard that I nearly choked on my
pizza - when Pippa Harlington approached me.

Pippa Harlington, the last girl Adam had dated before he had that affair - or whatever - with Oliver.

Everyone kind of quiet because Pippa's a popular girl. Relatively popular, that is. And that's only because
she's related to Masey Berry - they're distant cousins, or something like that. She gave me a really small,
awkward smile. I didn't smile back at her because I was ninety nine percent sure she was going to ask
me something about Adam.

But instead, she placed her lunch on the table and sat down next to me. Pippa smiled at everyone else
and they sort of resumed their small talk. She then looked at me, and I could see, from up close that
she'd been crying.
Me: You OK, Pippa?

She sniffed, smiling.

Pippa: You remember my name. That's...comforting, to say the least.

Me: Of course I remember your name. You know - Adam and all that...

Pippa: Yeah. (She paused) I know a lot of people have been asking...and I know it sucks when they do
but - but - why did he jump off that cliff?

I didn't respond.

Pippa nudged me and I looked at her sharply. But my expression softened because she looked like she
was about to break down in to tears. So I shrugged.

Me: I don't know anymore than you do.

Pippa sighed and buried her face in to her hands. Her shoulders were shaking, and everyone else around
us pretended not to notice. Slowly, unsurely, I put my arm around her and she responded by resting her
head on my shoulder.

I heard her murmur 'I miss him' and I murmured a 'Me too' back.

CHAPTER XIV

After school, Pippa stopped me on my way home. Her face was expressionless but it was obvious she
had something really important to say. Her face was pink, and her eyes were red - so she'd been crying a
lot then.

Before she could say anything, I narrowed my eyes at her.

Me: Why are you so bothered about Adam dying? You dumped him. And you never talked to him since.

Pippa looked taken aback.

Pippa: W-What? He was - He was - Ugh, Matt, it's complicated. I liked Adam a lot, okay? I think I loved
him but he...he...he felt so wrong. That's what he told me. He felt wrong being with me, and we made a
decision together. To break up, I mean. And it felt really awkward after that, and after he started seeing
Oliver--

Me: What? Wait, you know about Oliver?

Pippa sighed.

Pippa: That's what I wanted to talk about with you. I saw them together, a couple of weeks before Adam
died. Adam had been crying and--and Oliver had left him just like that. I tried to console Adam--that was
the first time we talked after the break up--and, he wouldn't tell me anything.

Me: W-Why was he crying?

She shruged.

Pippa: I don't know, Matt. I don't know. But I've been thinking...and I think it's linked to why Adam
jumped.

Me: Oliver? You're saying Oliver was the reason he did it?

My fists clenched and unclenched. Of course, I thought with gritted teeth. Oliver. Why hadn't I seen it?
Why hadn't I seen it? He hurt Adam, he led him on, he hurt my best friend. I was so angry. I was so angry.
Paralyzed to the spot. Until Pippa spoke.

Pippa: I'm not sure.

Me: It was him. All signs point to him, okay? That fucker hurt Adam.

Pippa: Matt--think this through with a cool head! We have no evidence. We have to find out everything
first before we come to a conclusion--
Me: Screw that bullshit. It was Oliver--I know it--that son of a--

Pippa: Matt!

Her face was full of tears and she pulled me in to a hug. I found myself hugging her back despite the fact
that I was really angry. And for once in many months, I felt a sense of wanting. Like Pippa genuinely
cared about me. A tear slid down my cheek.

Me: I just wish Adam came back.

Pippa was rubbing my back soothingly, like my mum used to when I was younger.

Pippa: We both want him back, Matt. But it won't happen, you know?

She pulled away.

Pippa: And I won't rest until we find out why he jumped. I feel like he owes that to us. That information.
The police didn't even bother investigating--stupid idiots. We're both going to find out, okay? Somehow.
Somehow we will.

Somehow, I kept repeating to myself later that evening, Somehow we will.

CHAPTER XV

It was obvious who our first clue to the investigation was: Oliver.

Pippa was a little more level-headed than I was when we approached him today, and I was sort of glad
she was there with me. I'm pretty sure Oliver wouldn't have survived an enquiry without me giving him
a third black eye. Yeah, Pippa kept me calm.

Oliver was frightened, to say the least. He blubbered most of the time, but we choked the details out of
him eventually. He told us about the day Pippa had seen him and Adam. Turns out, he had found Adam
crying there, and had asked him what was wrong. Oliver told us Adam wouldn't tell him anything, hell,
Adam couldn't even speak without bursting in to tears. Oliver, obviously not being very good with
emotions, had quickly left.

I nearly did punch him for that but Pippa stopped me.

Pippa: How could you? You claim you love him, and you couldn't even...support him?

Oliver: I--I'm sorry, okay? Everyone knows I'm not good with...that stuff. I freaked out. I tried calling him
later but he wouldn't pick up, okay?

At the end of the day, I was frustrated, angry and annoyed.

What had been going on with Adam? If it wasn't Oliver who led him to die, who was it?

I sort of wish it had been Oliver who did this. Maybe then, I would've had an excuse to beat the shit out
of him. Maybe then I would truly move on from Adam's death, knowing it was Oliver who had caused it.
But facts are facts. Oliver didn't do it.
All this anger...I realized I was still in denial. I was in denial that Adam and Oliver had a thing going on. I
was in denial that Adam ever loved Oliver.

I was in so much denial that Pippa probably suspected something because she asked me about it a
couple of hours ago.

Pippa: You really hate Oliver, huh?

Me: I--I don't know anything anymore.

Pippa: It's not his fault, you know? You seem to be a little bit...a little bit in...denial.

Me: And apparently you know what I feel and don't feel?

Pippa: Don't snap at me like that, Matthew Wesley. Anyway, I didn't mean it in that way. I just
mean...well, all that hate on Oliver--your immediate accusation against him--do you...do you--did you
have feelings for Adam too? You sure it wasn't...jealousy?
I stared at her in shock.

Me: Pippa, Adam was like my brother. I never had feelings for him. Ever. It's just...I felt so betrayed. Why
wouldn't Adam tell me stuff like that? I thought we were, you know, soul brothers or whatever. And I
was so sure it had been Oliver. I guess I was, you know, "blinded by hatred", or some shit like that.

Then, Pippa took my hand and gently wrapped her fingers around mine.

Pippa: I'm sorry. For...everything. I can be such a jackass sometimes, you know? I just...immediately
jump in to conclusions sometimes.

Me: Don't be so hard on yourself.

Pippa: Yeah? It's pretty hard not to feel like shit after the guy you loved just killed himself.

Me: You...still loved him?

Pippa: Well, not in a romantic way anymore. I just...I was hoping we could be friends again. In fact, I had
been thinking of talking to him but...he just died you know?

Me: I've got more reasons to feel guilty. I was a pretty shit friend.

Pippa: It's hard to believe, Matt. You were always there for him.

Me: Clearly not, otherwise he wouldn't have killed himself.

Pippa rested her head on my shoulder while gently stroking my hand. It felt nice.

Pippa: We'll find out, though. Sooner or later. The truth can't be hidden.

I sighed deeply.

Me: I hope so.

Pippa: I hope so too.

Later that day, Oliver called me (Lord knows how he got my number).

Oliver: I want to join.

Me: Join what?

Oliver sighed.

Oliver: The investigation. I want to find out why he jumped, too okay?

A few weeks ago, I would've declined, but after today, I felt as if Oliver deserved to find out too.

Me: Fine.
Oliver: Thank you, Matt.

And he hung up.

CHAPTER XVI

We went through texts from Adam as the next step - anything Oliver and I ever got from him, we tried
to find hidden meanings in all of his messages but this proved to be difficult. Adam seemed to cover
himself up well which is pretty sad, because I thought he knew I would always be there for him. I
thought he knew I would be his friend, stand by his side no matter who he loved or hated.

Which makes me wonder if we knew each other at all.

I mean, I knew lots of things about Adam. I knew he liked Jennifer Lawrence quite a lot - even more so
since we went to watch The Hunger Games together - I knew he liked Vanilla ice cream but he hated
having sprinkles on top. I knew Adam's interests, his likes and dislikes, his weird obsession with CoD; I
knew everything that you could ever know about someone.

But after his death, our friendship seemed to have lost its meaning. It doesn't matter that I knew all that
stuff about him, because a lot of people knew that he liked Jennifer Lawrence, and a lot of people knew
he liked Vanilla ice-cream with no sprinkles on top. I knew about Adam just as much as anybody did. But
I didn't know Adam at all.

I didn't know Adam liked Oliver, I didn't know Adam had problems going on in his family, I didn't know
Adam had suicidal thoughts, I didn't know Adam was hurting, I didn't know. And Adam obviously didn't
tell me this personal stuff because he felt like I didn't know him well enough to understand.

And it hurts.

Nevertheless, there's no point in brooding about it. From what little clues we have got, Pippa, Oliver and
I have started to shape up the events that led to Adam's death. After Adam and Oliver started seeing
each other, Oliver told me Adam had started acting a little weird.

Oliver: He'd been normal three weeks in to our...er, 'thing'. Then, suddenly, he was scared all the time.
Whenever we were seen together, he'd keep his distance. I thought he was just embarassed being with
me -- and I figured he wouldn't really want Matt to see him with me -- but then, Adam started...well, he
started talking to himself. One or two times, I'd catch him muttering under his breath. I tried asking him
what was up, but he wouldn't tell me.
Me: I know Adam would be pretty reluctant about letting me know you were hanging out with him -- I
always thought you hung out because of the science project, so I never really thought about it much --
but why would Adam be scared?

Pippa: Oliver -- are you sure no one ever saw you guys...you know...kissing or anything? Maybe Adam
was being threatened by someone about your relationship, and you just never knew about it?

Oliver just shrugged.

Oliver: I've been having the same idea. I don't think anyone ever caught us -- but there was this one time.

Pippa and I shared startled looks.

Me: Who was it? Who caught you guys?

Oliver scratched the back of his neck.

Oliver: We weren't kissing. Adam and I had just been, you know, talking and stuff. I kind of brushed my
hand against his when we suddenly heard someone gasp. We were both scared shitless so we quickly
walked away from the scene, so we never really found out who 'caught' us. Adam started acting weird
just five days after that happened.

Pippa's brow was furrowed.

Pippa: This is getting really weird.

Me: I know.

Pippa: Ugh, every time I think we get closer to the case, there's just more mystery surrounding the
entire damn thing.

Me: Wait -- Adam's mum. She must know something about Adam's case, don't you guys think? We all
could go ask her about it.

Pippa shook her head firmly.

Pippa: No. Only you can go Matt. Mrs. Fernandes doesn't know me or Oliver all that well, so it'd be best
if you go alone. That way, she'll give you all the information that you need.

Me: Fine. It's settled then. I'm heading there straight after school.

Oliver and Pippa both nodded in agreement.

Here we go.

CHAPTER XVII

Just like I'd said, I went to Adam's house to see his mum.
My breath caught in my throat as I stood in front of the old cottage that Adam previously lived in. It was
quite small, barely affordable according to a conversation I had had with Adam some time back, but he
had always loved it. And so had his mother.

My palms were sweaty and I took a deep breath as I knocked the door of the house. A few seconds later,
Mrs. Fernandes opened it -- her eyes widening slightly at the sight of me.

Her: This is...quite a surprise.

I nodded awkwardly.

Me: It is.

I coughed.

Me: How are you?

Mrs. Fernandes shrugged weakly and I noticed she had gone even skinnier than when I had last seen her.
She pushed her hair back and ushered me inside the house. I sat down on the old brown sofa where
Adam usually sat and squirmed uncomfortably at the thought. I felt like I was intruding -- this wasn't
Adam and Tina Fernandes's house anymore.

This was now the house of Tina Fernandes, the widow cancer patient who had recently lost her son to
depression.

That thought made me realize just how bad Mrs. Fernandes had it in her entire existence as a human
being. And here I was, spending those weeks alone, brooding about my best friend while I had a family,
a life, waiting for me just outside my room.

Mrs. Fernandes coughed slightly, interrupting my thoughts. I straightened up a little.

Me: I came here to - to talk about -

Mrs. Fernandes nodded.

Her: I know what you came here for. Adam, isn't it? Ah - you always came for Adam. You two would
always sit in the living room, and read all those books and play all those silly, noisy games. But you were
good to him, Matthew. You were very good to him.
Me: I wish I had been better.

Mrs. Fernandes nodded slowly.

Her: Me too, Matt. I wish I had been a better mother. Oh god, how I wish I had been a better mother.

My heart sunk as I watched her cry to herself. I tried to move, but I couldn't, and it made me angry that I
couldn't help her, that I couldn't help myself or anyone who was struck by the tragedy. The sorrow, the
anger, the bitter feelings - they were eating away at me. Perhaps, Mrs. Fernandes was luckier than me.
She would die sooner. She wouldn't have to deal with this much longer than, what, six months?

I'd heard my mum talking to dad. If Mrs. Fernandes didn't see a doctor soon, she'd be dead. In six
months, tops.

So I started crying too.

But after five minutes, we both pulled ourselves together. I quickly wiped away my tears, as did she.
Her: Sorry about that, son. So - what was it that you wanted to ask me?

Me: Do you - do you know why Adam jumped? I - I can't - I mean, I don't understand. He had been so
happy and he suddenly just...killed himself. You must know the reason. Please, tell me.

Her eyes went hard - the kind of hard that I'd seen in dad's eyes when I told him I wouldn't join the
football team. It was anger. Disappointment. Fury.

Her: Maybe you really were a crappy friend.

Me: Huh?

Her: You don't care about my son, do you? You don't care about him at all, do you? You're just like the
rest of them - them evil creatures. Just ready to listen to a bit of gossip to spread.

She rose up angrily.

Her: Right, you're going to get out of my house immediately.

Me: W-What? Tina, what are you saying? You know I would never do that. All those times I spent with
Adam, I do care about him - hey - stop pushing me and listen--

Her: Right, come on, get out. I'm not telling you shit about my son. I said get out.

She shoved me out of the front door. I watched her in bewilderment. Mrs Fernandes snarled like an
angry dog.

Her: If you even step foot in to my property, I'm calling the police.

And she shut the door in my face.

CHAPTER XVIII
There was no other way other than sneaking in to Adam's house. Mrs. Fernandes was a woman that was
not to be messed with. When she threatened to call the police on you, she would.

So Pippa, Oliver and I made a plan.

They'd distract Tina through the front door while I'd make my way around to the back of the house and
sneak in through the back door, which from what I knew, was always kept open during day times so that
the kitchen connected to it woudn't get stuffy.

Just as we'd planned, she was easily distracted by Pippa and Oliver who talked loudly, loudly enough for
me to hear. They were talking to her, but she shouted back at them. I knew I had to hurry because Tina
didn't keep confrontations going on for a long time.

I sneaked around the back of the house and sighed in relief as I saw the back door, which as I'd thought,
had been left ajar. It's a wonder no thieves come snooping around.

Then again, this is Tina Fernandes's house we're talking about. She had always been a little fiesty, and
she did tend to scare me at times.
Anyway, I walked in to the house and tip-toed in to the kitchen. I could hear Tina threatening to call the
police, so I needed to hurry. Quick. There was a flight of stairs connected to the back of the kitchen, that
led to the upper part of the house.There were two rooms upstairs. One was Tina's, and one was Adam's.
I quickly ran up the stairs, my heart thumping against my chest.

I turned to the left and slowly opened the door to Adam's room, my breath hitching slightly. It smelt
musty; probably because it hadn't been opened in weeks. I frowned. Why hadn't Tina looked through
the room? Why hadn't she bothered to find out why her son killed himself? Did she already know? Was
she afraid of the truth?

It smelt musty, but there was still that familiar trace of Adam's Lynx deodrant, and his clothes were
strewn across the floor, as if he still lived here. As if he still lived. His laptop was on his bed, half-shut.
Then, there was his iPod that sat on his pillow. I looked around the room wandering about it. Wondering
about him. Had it been like this, the room, when he left to jump off that cliff? What had he been
thinking as he jumped? About me? Oliver? His mother?

Or, was he thinking of ice-cream as he jumped? Or, was he thinking how he would never be able to see
that new Hunger Games movie with me? Was he thinking of how much it would hurt to die? Did it hurt
to die? I wanted Adam here, and I wanted to ask him so many questions. Was death painful? Peaceful?
Why did Adam jump?

I swallowed the lump in my throat and quickly opened Adam's laptop, which I soon discovered only had
thirty percent battery left. I quickly found out that his Facebook hadn't been logged out of, so I scanned
through his list of notifications.
Melissa Osbourne says "R.I.P Adam"

Jenna McKinley says "We Will miss you Adam!!!!"

Donald Mahoney says "You were an awesome dude man. Wish I got 2 kno u better. R.I.P."

On and on, messages overflowed his Facebook page from people he barely knew, people he didn't even
talk to, people who didn't even know he existed up until his death. The laptop made a slight noise.
Fifteen percent battery left.

I quickly clicked on Adam's Facebook inbox in which he had seventy messages.

The same thing; the same, meaningless condolences. And then I saw it.

Message from James Calder

James? Why would James, of all people, care about Adam? He didn't seem very mournful of his death. I
clicked on the message.

Faggot. You deserved to die. Burn in hell, fag.

My eyes widened. I scrolled through James's messages to Adam. It kept repeating the words 'fag' and it
seemed that Adam had had quite a few chats with him before his death. The earliest message Adam had
received from James shocked me:

27th March 2014, 14:50

I know about your secret faggot.

Adam had responded.

What secret?

James: Don't play dumb. I saw you with Oliver, fag.

Adam: You can't tell anyone. Please.

James: And why not?

Adam: Because we used to be friends.

James: Used to be. I'm telling everyone. Fags are sinners. You'll rot in hell, with your disgusting fag
boyfriend.

Adam: Why are you doing this? What will you gain from it, huh? More popularity? A one-way ticket to
Heaven?

James: Don't talk about Heaven, you queer. People like you deserve to die. Kill yourself.

On and on and on. The conversations went for hours. James had been threatening Adam for three
weeks ---telling him he wasn't worth it, worth anyone's time, and he should just kill himself. Fury swept
through me like a tidal wave and I shut the laptop down and flung it to the side of Adam's bed. James.
James. James.
James.

CHAPTER XIX

It fell in to place at once.

James - he hadn't said a word about Adam's death to anyone at school, and why? Because he was guilty.
He used girls as his distraction, to forget about Adam. To forget the fact that he fucking killed my best
friend. It was James whom Adam and Oliver had heard when they were with each other. James had
threatened Adam, causing Adam to act wary around Oliver. It made sense - it was logical enough to
believe.

That part of the mystery had been solved. But was that it? Adam killed himself because James had
threatened him? Maybe it was. Partly. I knew Adam was a pretty tough guy; he wasn't cracked that
easily. Something happened, something more vicious had happened. But Cyberbullying wasn't it.
Still, the fact that it was James who had triggered the thought of suicide was both so saddening, and
equally as infuriating that for a moment, I just wanted to sink to the floor and cry at the injustice of it all.

I probably would've if Tina hadn't suddenly burst in to the room with Pippa and Oliver behind her, both
red in the face.

Tina took a step back when she saw me, and her eyes glistened with tears of anger.

Tina: I thought I told you to stay out of my house, Matthew.

I ignored her and turned to Pippa and Oliver.

Me: It was James, guys. It was all James.

Pippa: W-What? James? As in, James Calder?

Oliver: What did that bastard do?

Me: He--

Tina: Never fucking mind what he did--I'm calling the police on all of you.

Pippa: Please--Mrs. Fernandes there really is no need. We just wanted to know why Adam killed himself
so suddenly. You wouldn't tell Matt--there was no other way we could find out because no one else
knew either!

Tina: Well, it was none of your business to enter my property without my permission. You'll all be in big
trouble with the police, all of you, you hear me?

Pippa: Please.

There was something in the way she said it that stopped Tina from dialling her phone. Pippa's eyes were
wide--with sadness? Grief? It was hard to tell her emotions. Pippa took hold of Tina's hand and rubbed it
soothingly, the way she'd done with me countless times during these past few days. I could almost feel
Tina giving in to our request.
Pippa: I know you've been through some tough stuff in your life--really tough stuff. But so have we. And
we all--Me, Matt and Oliver--we love your son just as much as you do. We can't just...get on with our
lives like nothing happened. Adam was apart of us - all of us. It's really hard to let go, you know?
Knowing why he killed himself...well, it's sort of our right to know too, Mrs. Fernandes.

Tina: I just want to live the rest of my miserable life in peace. P-Please.

I sighed and reached out to touch her shoulder. Tina looked at me and a tear slipped down her cheek.

Tina: You look so much like Adam, you know that?

Me: I know.

Tina: Well--now that you've given your speech, I s-suppose I'll have to tell you all everything. You'll hate
me for it, don't argue with me Pippa dear, you'll all hate me for it. I didn't even ask for a police
investigation on my son because I knew why he killed himself--a terrible mother, I was a terrible mother.
I - I just -
She broke in to tears. Oliver, obviously feeling awkward, walked out of the room and I could hear him
crying softly to himself too. Pippa wrapped her arms around Tina and she squeezed her tightly,
reassuringly. I caught her eye and gave her a thankful smile. It was times like these that I was glad I
decided to team up with Pippa.

After a few minutes, Tina stopped and quickly wiped her cheeks. She told us all to make our way down
to the living room where we all sat on sofas that faced Tina. Her lips trembled as she started the story.

Tina: Adam was a happy boy -- he loved being your friend Matt, he talked about you a lot. He was so
happy, my poor boy was. I didn't know he was seeing you Oliver--not until that day w-where he came
home with a big bruise under his eye. He wouldn't tell me who did it, and why they did but I eventually
coaxed it out of him. James had beaten him up, and Adam told me it was because he was seeing a boy.
Adam said it was you Oliver. I was shocked, of course, that my son was gay and everything. And frankly, I
didn't want him to be gay. I never accepted him, you see. I was just like the rest of the world. Harsh,
judgemental. I told Adam to man up, and that he should try and squish his...his unnatural feelings. I
remember the look on his face when I said that--I was such a terrible mother. I am a terrible mother.

I continued to monitor the amount of time he spent with Oliver--and with you Matt, because I was
scared he might develop feelings for you. Remember when I grounded him for no reason? Yes, I did it
because I didn't want him seeing any of his male friends. I thought I was doing a good job, being a good
mother. But...but ignorance blinded me.

I decided that Church would do him good. James Calder's mother apparently worked magic with people
who had troubles with their sexuality. I--I thought maybe i-if Adam was sent there h-he would
be...normal again.

But he was unhappy. And every Sunday after church, he would come home crying. I was so...cruel to him,
to my own boy. I didn't understand why would hate being with God so much. So one day, I decided to
follow my son to church, to see what it was like in that place. Turns out, everything I thought it
was...well, it wasn't what I thought, to say the least.

It wasn't like a normal Church at all. T-They did these...'rituals' on people like Adam. They'd gather them
in a circle and James and his mother...they - oh my god - they threw water at them. Holy water, they
called it. To purify the gay people. They'd be hissing words - oh terrible, terrible words about being
faggots, about burning in hell.

Sometimes, they'd take people out of the circle and actually ask members of the church to...to throw
things at them. This time, they pulled Adam out of the circle. I had been hiding behind the large crowd
but I remember that moment when Adam was hit with a tomato--he caught my eye--it was
heartbreaking. He quickly looked away--as if he was ashamed to see me there.

I didn't do anything about it. I just...watched them humiliate him. Adam's hands were shaking the whole
time, but he didn't cry. He tolerated it. After this 'ritual' was over, he went straight home, locked himself
in his room the entire time. The next day, he was gone. Later that afternoon, I got a phone call from the
police saying they'd found Adam's shoes washed up on the shore of the beach. He'd jumped. Killed
himself.

Tina stopped talking. Oliver, Pippa and I stared at Tina for what felt like years. My throat felt dry, my
heart was beating far too erratically, my palms were sweaty.All I could hear was the sound of Tina's
voice ringing in my ears like an annoying reminder.

Ritual. Holy Water. Gay.

Gone.

Adam is gone. Jumped.

To

His

Death.

****
Okay, hi guys. So this was a pretty horrifying chapter for me to write. I actually don't know if these
rituals exist or not, but I got the inspiration to write this through a scene from "Hunchback of Notre
Dame." Just so we're all clear here, the representation of the Church Adam went to DOES NOT mean all
Churches are like this. This is not trying to generalise Church at all.

Thank you for reading.

CHAPTER Xx

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream.

I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam.

And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem.
But if I know you, I know what you'll do.

You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream.

This is the seventeenth time I've listened to this song - Tina gave me Adam's iPod while I made my way
out of the house. I remember what she'd said to me.

It's the only thing of his that makes me feel connected to him, she had said, it makes me understand
what he went through, you know? You have it. I don't think I deserve it, Matt.

Adam had tons of songs on it once - songs from Katy Perry, Eminem, all the usual pop culture stuff that
everyone liked. But when I looked through his iPod, the only songs I found were from The Fray, then
there was that infamous one by the Goo Goo Dolls. Iris, it was called.

But what was really strange was that Adam had downloaded pretty much every Lana Del Rey song that
there was. Lana Del Rey, the singer he had once so passionately disliked for her creepy music. It's good
creepy, of course. I smile to myself, almost bitterly.
How little I must've known Adam the last few weeks of his life. I went on with my life without giving a
second glance to his. I never questioned his tired looking eyes, nor did I ever question why he constantly
seemed to be getting bruises in random parts of his face and hands. How ignorant I had been. How
foolish. How stupid and silly. I wondered what it would've been like if I'd actually asked him a simple
question of How are you? Are you doing OK? You want to talk? Would he have killed himself? Or would
he be OK? Would he be here with me, like he would be on a causal Friday afternoon?

I'm so sorry Adam.

I break in to hysterical sobs. They aren't quiet sobs, like they have been for weeks. They are loud. Loud
and miserable and full of a thousand different emotions. Loud enough for my dad to walk in to the room
with a worried expression on his face.

He sees me weeping loudly and stands there, observing me, expressionless. Then, surprisngly, he sits on
the edge of my bed and puts his hand on top of mine. His face is still emotionless but his eyes give away
a flicker of sadness, guilt even.

Dad: It's okay, son. Let it out.

And I do.
Later that evening, Pippa and Oliver come over. Pippa has a handful of printed sheets, all with
screenshots from messages that James and Adam shared. Evidence for a court case. Oliver has a whole
speech prepared for himself because he's the one whose going to be especially heavily-questioned
during the trial.

We sit there while Dad makes us all a mug of hot chocolate as we go through the list of things to say
during the court case. Mum returns home with good news - someone from the Church has agreed to be
a witness to testify against James and his mother.

Pippa goes home in a short while and Mum and Dad go to the kitchen to prepare some dinner. It's just
me and Oliver. It's obvious Oliver has been crying; his eyes are red, his skin is blotchy, his voice is
cracked. I give him a small smile.

Me: Everything is going to be fine, Oliver.

Oliver: It is? W-What if I go to jail for calling Adam a f-fag?

Me: You called him a fag in front of me. And that was one time, anyway. You didn't kill him like James
did.

Oliver: I miss Adam.

Me: We all do.

And suddenly, all the resentment I ever had for Oliver vanishes completely and I find myself pulling the
guy in to a hug. Despite him being at least two inches taller than me, he is weak in my arms. Thin and
fragile, easily breakable. I realize how broken this guy must be - how much he must be suffering because
he loves Adam. He truly loves Adam and I can't understand why I could ever have questioned that.
Oliver pulls away and I see that his face is streaked with wet tears.

Me: You think you'll be OK?

Oliver nods.

Oliver: Yeah. You?

I think for a minute.

Me: Yeah, I'll be OK.

CHAPTER XXI

The court case was successful.

We had enough witnesses from Church, and the screen shots proved enough for James to be sentenced
to twenty-five years in prison. Since he's still a minor - he'll spend sixteen months in a Juvenile
Delinquent centre. His mother is facing life imprisonment and the Church that she runs will be shut
down. It's everywhere in the news, and everyone at school is dying to talk to anyone who was involved
in the case.

I still remember the last time I saw James - he was being dragged in to a police car. His eyes had caught
mine briefly - very, very briefly - but in that brief moment I caught the flicker of guilt flash before his
eyes. Guilt, resentment, anger. Sadness. And in that brief moment I realized that twenty-five years in
prison weren't going to be the only things tormenting his life. Adam's death would too. It would hang
over him like a grey cloud, constantly raining over him. James would think about Adam. He would think
about their friendship and how deeply its innocence had been marred by his hatred, by his ignorance.
Adam's mother is currently facing trial herself although I seriously doubt she'll be imprisoned or
anything. But like James, imprisonment will be the last thing she'll be thinking about.

We're holding a small funeral service for Adam seeing as Tina Fernandes never had enough courage to
do it herself. It's going to be very private, secluded. My family is attending, and Oliver's is too. He's told
them about his sexuality, and to both our surprise, his parents seem to have accepted it - which is a
good thing. Pippa and her family are coming, and we've invited a few other people. Cousins, distant
friends. We've invited Tina, but I doubt she'll be coming.

I'm standing here right now, on the edge of the cliff. The very cliff from which Adam had jumped to his
death. The wind brushes against my skin and I hear the roar of the waves as they crash against the rocks
of the cliff. I try to imagine myself as Adam and I stretch my hands out, as if I were a bird about to take
flight. Did Adam feel free as he let himself fall off this cliff, as he plunged in to the dark waters of the
ocean? Or was he even more terrified? Terrified of dying, of never being able to exist again?

My hands drop to their sides, and I squint my eyes, watching the sun set. It creates a wonderful view,
really, the sun. I hope Adam had a view like this before he died. I know I would've liked to see the sun
seconds before my death. It creates hues of oranges, and pinks and yellows.

I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. I imagine Adam is standing right next to me with a bright grin on
his face. I imagine he sighs blissfully. I imagine his eyes sparkle as he watches the sun set. I imagine him
chuckle and mention a cheesy tumblr quote. I imagine him taking my hand in his, and I imagine him
telling me he loves me and he'll love me forever, and that he'll never forget me.
I love you too, I mouth to myself, cheesy git.

I imagine him elbowing me sharply, telling me to shut up. Then, his face is serious again.

Be a writer, Matt, I can hear his voice say, be a writer. Live you dream.

I say I will.

He says thank you.

I open my eyes and it's already twilight.

I love you Adam, I mouth once more before walking back down to the beach.

AFTERWARDS
In a way, we were all at fault here. Me, for being so oblivious to my friend's pain. We weren't very much
like soul brothers after all. Oliver, for being too emotionally detached to ever ask why Adam acted that
way. Pippa, for not trying to be his friend quick enough. Mrs. Fernandes, for not being the mother of her
son. And James; James, the creepy guy who smoked cigarettes and traded drugs with people; James,
Adam's old friend, his old pal with whom he had spent his childhood sharing bubblegum with. James,
the one guy Adam least expected to betray him. James, consumed by his hatred and ignorance, had led
his old friend to his death.

Adam didn't just decide to kill himself suddenly. I know he would've thought about ending his life many
more times before he actually did it. At first, the thought of ending one's life isn't considered much, but
as the days pass, as your life slips downhill, you start thinking about it more and more. The feeling of
unworthiness, of not being wanted, of not being loved or cared about grows and grows and grows. It
consumes you. And one day, you just do it. You kill yourself. Like Adam did.

Anyway, after a few days, Mrs. Fernandes was tried and found innocent. She moved out of town shortly
after that, something I didn't regret or pondered over very much. To be honest, I was a little relieved
that she did. I haven't heard fom her since.

Oliver and I are both in counselling, and I think I'm doing good. Oliver has a little trouble with expressing
his emotions, but he's doing good too, especially since he admitted that he used to drink alcohol and
dabble with drugs every now and then. Our counsellor Daisy Barley has helped him get through that,
and I personally apologized to her for that day when I told her I didn't need help. She says she's fine with
it, and she shouldn't have pushed it so quickly. We're good friends now, actually.
Oliver, Pippa and I are hang out together every single day. They're my best friends. Obviously, ever since
the newspapers published Adam's story, Oliver's been getting hate. People call him a faggot, a queer, a
wimp, devil's spawn, but he seems to have stopped caring. You see, people will judge you, no matter
how normal you try to be. People will judge you anyway, and you will somehow have to stop giving a
damn.

Oliver hangs around my place quite often and we play lots of CoD and eat too much pizza for it to be
considered healthy anymore, but we have good fun.

Pippa often comes around too, and she complains about our unhealthy, boyish obsession with zombie
games, and we laugh and tell her she's just as bad as us when she's watching Jersey Shore and Glee, or
whatever that girls like her watch.

Sometimes, when Oliver's not around, Pippa and I sit out in my backyard, twiddling with each other's
thumbs while we talk about stuff. We talk about anything, really. Death, Adam, life --sometimes, we talk
about random things, like how nice mud smells in the summer. Weird, but casual. We kiss each other
sometimes--it started out with each other's fingers, then we moved on to noses until one day, I leant in
and kissed Pippa fully on the lips. She kissed me back so I guess that pretty much sums up our feelings
for each other.

Mrs. Fernandes never came to Adam's funeral, which was fine, because it would have been seriously
awkward if she did. The funeral was short, and simple. Something I know Adam would have liked. He
was never one to flaunt. I heard from mum about Mrs. Fernandes's brain tumor; it's growing, and if it
keeps up at this rate, she won't live longer than a year.
I'm never going to move on from Adam's death, though. It will always be lingering around, whether it's
from people's words or my own memories of him. But I won't be so sad about it. I lost my best friend
but in return, I got two new ones and that's the most important thing - Adam would have wanted to be
happy, to laugh, to smile, to live. I know I would want him to do the same thing.

There will always be that sense of loss, that sense of wanting, that sense of maybe, just maybe, he's still
alive. Of course, wishful thinking has always been a destructive enemy of one's emotions. It plays cruel
tricks on you. It will be there - but I'll close my eyes, take a deep breath and Pippa will take hold of my
hand and squeeze it reassuringly. And I'll open my eyes and see her beautiful smile, and hear the sound
of Oliver laughing along with his new boyfriend, and the smell of mum's amazing roast turkey, and I'll
watch my dad in amusement as he tries to sneak a bite from it--and I'll be fine.

*****

THE END.