Introduction

Life truly is the ultimate cheap entertainment . . . or expensive, but either way it is
completely worth it. Some of you might find yourselves inclined to disagree and that’s fine,
however, I would like to point out that I am presently in a concrete room with twenty-seven other
5convicted felons. An environment which at a previous time in my life would have made death
seem like a marvelous and much preferential alternative.
I am twenty-two years old and this is already my second prison term in the State of Utah
and I am also facing yet another in Idaho. I am surrounded by drug addicts like myself but there
are also sex offenders, thieves, Latinos with no ability in English and Americans with no
10comprehension of it. There is even one individual convicted of attempted murder and others with
violent assaults or robberies. Some of these people are proud criminals and drug addicts,
professing their desire to get out and resume their criminal activities. Some are not so proud of
what they have done but have given their lives over to their addictions and habits. Others still
want to change but will ultimately fail and some will never give up until they do overcome their
15problems even if they find themselves back in this situation numerous times.
This is my home for a minimum of another year, possibly more, and ever so remotely,
possibly less . . . but life is still awesome! Life is magnificent, wonderful and any other number
of great things.
People might consider my attitude delusional, strange, unnatural or even offensive.
20Again, your opinions are your own business but what about that curiosity that has kept you
reading so far? Are you going to heed its influence and continue to read so that you might find
the rationale behind my seemingly absurd appreciation for life given my own circumstances? I
hope that you will even if you decide you don’t like me or what I have to say. Overall my
greatest hope is that you learn something about yourself and/or others from this. Please just
25remember not to take any of this too seriously even as it might seem to become so. Life is too
short to spend it miserable, worrying and complaining about things that you can’t change and it
doesn’t make any sense at all to worry about the things that you can change because you can
change them!
So, how is it that I can have such a positive attitude all of the time? Well, honestly, I
30don’t, or not all of the time at any rate. I struggle with it at times like everyone else but practice
makes perfect and that includes your own internal thought processes. This brings me to a very

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 important point which I will cover more a bit later on but can be summed up as: Words and
wording have a major influence on your state of being and how you interpret the world around
you. Both verbal and non-verbal, or internal, usage of language can make a huge impact on who
35you are and how you see things.
This brings me back to the question of the above paragraph. Appropriately worded it
should be thus: How is it that I can have such a positive attitude even when circumstances and
surroundings would dictate otherwise for most people?
I have not always been this way. I started where everyone starts so how did I come about
40this mindset? How did I change? How did I come from the wretched, failing drug addict, the
master manipulating fiend, the totally lost and directionless youth, and the less than caring
criminal who was destined to destroy himself in the depths of hatred, anger, depression and any
other number of dead ends? To be honest there is no formula, no simple answer, but then if there
was the whole world would already know it wouldn’t they?
45 I do not claim to fully know nor understand the process that it has been for me to come to
be who I am and, let me be frank, this writing is not at all intended to give you formulas or
‘guaranteed’ methods to success. As a matter of fact I won’t be discussing how I have come to
be who I am so much as my present views and opinions, or how I am staying the person I have
become and want to be without slipping into old comfortable habits. I do not care to tell people
50how or what to think even if they want me to. The method to my madness is much different and
much more commonsensical. I am not going to tell you how to think but hopefully show you
ways to discover what works for you because I can only know what works for me. Why tell you
how to satisfy yourself and have meaningless praise only until you put this book away?
Wouldn’t it be more effective to provide the opportunity for you to see what I see, feel what I
55feel, and think how I think in order for you to discover your own path? No, I don’t want to give
you a fish, I want to teach you how to fish or, more accurately, teach you how to teach
yourselves and to discover things for yourselves.
Allow me to fill in some background information about myself for those of you who
might think you are beyond the help which this book might be able to offer.
60 I grew up for the first eighteen years of my life in Preston, Idaho. I was raised as a
member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints more commonly know as “Mormons”
or the LDS Church. I admit that this has had a large influence on my sore values and on how I

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 have come to be who/where I am as far as personal progress goes but religious belief of any sort
is unnecessary to develop your own confidence and satisfaction with Life. I was first in trouble
65with the law at age fourteen although I had been in trouble previous to then for shoplifting as
young as seven or eight but it was kept from the system. From fourteen to nearly age seventeen I
changed drastically and rapidly while under the influence of juvenile corrections. One year after
my first introduction to the juvenile system I was smoking marijuana. I had given up school
athletics, was toying with counselors and psychologists which I was mandated to see, and was
70picking apart the way the world was being run. In short, it only took me twelve months to go
from a mostly well-behaved activist who was not afraid to stir things up, active in the community
and in school, to a rebellious, blind idealist and political extremist who was being treated
‘unfairly’ and ‘unjustly’ by pretty much every form of authority that I came to know. I was angry
and hateful of the travesties of justice which had befallen me and the discrimination that I had
75become a ‘victim’ to. It wasn’t ‘fair’ that the head of juvenile corrections was also on the school
board (which was also not exactly legal I later found) but no matter how objectively I tried to
present any of my observations to the adult world no one would listen or even humor a juvenile
delinquent talking down on the system. It was always retorted, “You put yourself in the position
you are in.” It was something that I absolutely recognized my responsibility for at that time. Of
80course my actions put me into the jurisdiction of politics, law, state supervision and filth! But I
was adamant in pointing out the ignorance and shortcomings and plain old fashioned corruption
in our small community but no one wanted to ‘ruffle any feathers’ in such a tight knit town.
I learned that I had two choices at that time in my life: Do what I believed was right, or
do what I was told was right by people who were in complete control of my life and future.
85Obviously the wiser of the choices would have been to play along with the requests of the goons
in offices of power and get out of their grip and get on with life. I didn’t like the idea of making
that personal sacrifice of pride or the idea of the consequences involved with sticking to my
guns. I ended up compromising in my own head and allowed my beliefs and morals to change in
response to my environment. This Great Compromise was the single biggest mistake I had ever
90made in my life and may still be. To take upon myself abstract values, I played the role of the
coward and fell when I should have stood. I became a product of and victim to the system more
than I ever realized.

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 Retrospectively I am more aware of which thoughts, beliefs and actions contributed to
which consequences and turns in my life that worked both for and against me. Hindsight is
95always nearer 20/20 and continually becomes sharper as we become more honest with ourselves
and our pasts. What it boils down to is that I was the most livid, indignant, hateful, enraged
person I have ever known the likes of even to this day. I was, however, also very stoic about it all
and kept my loathing in check physically while it ran rampant in my head. I have included
writings from that time in my life to give an idea of the extent of my anger and methods of
100thought from that time. (See appendices)
I recognize that my beliefs have altered in such a way as to incite anger within myself to
be used as a fuel and energy in my life. Anger was my first drug of choice, my original addiction
because of its power to stimulate and motivate. I chose anger, albeit not on a conscious level of
thought but as what my subconscious perceived to be the best way to get its desired results.
105Ultimately it was absolutely correct as well. It took five years, but in late 2003 into early 2004
the head of juvenile corrections, as well as the chief of police and most of the city force were
ousted along with the mayor at that time. When I heard news of it at the facility I was housed in
at the time, however, I no longer cared. By that point I was thoroughly criminal and addicted to
drugs. It was still excellent news but I didn’t even bother with an ‘I told you so’ except to my
110parents and that only served to show them that I had become as petty as the world around me.
My actions were quite obviously not at all worth the consequences.
One irrefutable fact that I hope to convey is that we all do things resulting in
consequences that make our actions seem absurd, irrational and even just plain stupid.
Sometimes it is because of pride (usually) or sometimes spite but those things are easier to
115recognize and identify as causes of many of our problems and irrational actions. The more
significant problems are much more difficult to pin down because they hide in the generalities of
pride or spite and even more subtle thoughts and beliefs such as expectation or feelings like
entitlement.
So, what is this mystery roadblock to self-satisfaction and a gratifying life? I call it
120conditioned response of habit. It is the perpetrator when you try to analyze why you did
something stupid but cannot seem to come up with any sort of satisfying answer. So what exactly
is a conditioned response and what can be done about it?

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 First of all a conditioned response, as previously stated, is the same thing as a habit. It can
be a drug addiction. It can be anger or violence. It can also be inhibition, aggression, or any other
125sort of behavior but the truly defining factor is that it is your automatic response to any given
situation. It is the action you take based upon what your subconscious mind has come to
recognize as either ‘acceptable’ or else ‘successful’. Every action in which you do not think
about the reasons for acting in such a way is a conditioned response.
For example, when the phone rings and you stop what you are doing to answer it. You
130certainly don’t have to answer it although you may still interrupt something much more
important that you are busy with to do so. Answering the phone is a habit. Your nightly and
morning victuals are habit. Running your fingers through your hair can be a habit. Any behavior
becomes a habit when you no longer have to think about what you are doing to perform a task or
respond to a stimulus.
135 To explain how this works a bit better, let me use another example. Let us say that you
place an order at a fast food restaurant for a hamburger with no condiments. Your order arrives
and you take a great big bite to discover, disgustingly, that they fouled up your order. Now,
depending upon what your goals are at the moment and what has worked for you in the past and
come to be recognized by your subconscious mind as successful in correcting this or a similar
140problem will determine your immediate response. You might take it to the counter and ask for a
new hamburger and/or your money back or you might even throw it in the face of the cashier and
storm out angrily. Whatever the case may be, if you do not take the time to STOP AND THINK,
your response will be automatic and must have a basis (your present thoughts, feelings, beliefs
and memories) developed throughout your past.
145 A wronged food order is a very easy thing to maintain control over for most people as it
doesn’t happen enough to provoke a very strong habitual response. It is easy to take the time to
think about your response before acting. But what if someone quite intentionally speaks ill of
you, your spouse or girlfriend? That may well trigger an automatic response based on your
beliefs to such an extreme that you may want to turn the offending person’s face into a series of
150much smaller bones than is naturally occurring because of a stronger emotional response.
So, you see, a habit can range from answering a ringing telephone to beating someone up
or even killing. It is all dependent upon what your subconscious mind recognizes as the best
course of action to accomplish a certain goal which itself is dependent upon what it has been

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 programmed to accept as morally or rationally ‘right’ or acceptable or else as successful or
155having worked in the past. It does not matter if you have ever actually committed an act
previously for it to become an automatic, conditioned response. Sometimes habits can be trained
or taught by observing them repeatedly or else by simply thinking or imagining them
continually. You can develop habits without ever practicing them physically if you obsess over
them in your mind long enough. But unless you also consider the consequences and your
160responses to those consequences, you essentially become delusional and fantastic in your
expectations, and not in a good way.
I have given examples of negative habits but that is not to say that all conditioned
responses are a bad thing. What if a paramedic had to stop and think or rationalize everything he
did? A lot more people might be dead as a result. So let’s see what can be done to convince
165ourselves that no matter what in the world happens to us, we are in control of our own lives.
Let’s eliminate the conditioned responses that we really do not think are the best ways to handle
certain situations, which prevent our satisfaction with life. And how does one program his or her
own subconscious mind and change habits? Quite easily, really, by deep, rational thought and
through passion and emotion; by recognizing our own faults and seeing things from others’ point
170of view; through dialectics, discourses and diatribes.