Brenda Homer

English 1010

Professor Kelly Turnbeaugh

July22,2018

The Midnight Writer

Everyone at some time or other has trouble sleeping. The monster that steals my sleep

comes in the form of stress, anger, worry and sorrow. Often the monster shows itself for no reason

other than the list of tomorrow’s to-dos is much larger than my mind can hold. When the sleep

monster rears it’s ugly head I write. I write to get the stress out of my brain and into a file of logic.

I write to avoid the inevitable shouting match that is anger. I write to put worry into perspective. I
write so sorrow and heartbreak can be analyzed and turned to reason and action. I write to get the

mental list down on paper so I can physically check things off and not have to remember the one

forgotten item.

For years I have kept a notebook next to my bed so when the monster shows up, most

commonly at 4am, my personal witching hour, I can force him away to a different place so I can

finally rest. Many times, I have looked at what was written in the wee hours of the morning only

to realize that the writing is illegible.

Upon very close inspection this

entry is about my oldest son who was

failing his classes in high school, my

thoughts, worries, desires and a possible

plan of action. Upon review of this entry

I noticed the post script, written the next

morning, “Recorded at four am, in the

light of day these ramblings are the

worries of a sleep deprived mom”

(artifact 1). These types of entries are

always done in the dark and often with

my eyes closed. This is in the hopes that

if I keep my eyes closed that the sleep

Artifact 1 Midnight Writer in Action
monster will go away. Sometimes this works

and sometimes it doesn’t. But always after I write my mind can rest.
 In the aftermath of September 11, 2001, I wrote “Today, a day that will live forever in the

hearts and minds of our country. A day that will forever be etched in my mind.” “The towers after

being struck about an hour later completely collapsed! Imploded like when one sees a building

being taken down for demolition” (artifact 2a, b). These thoughts and feelings had such a profound

influence on my life that the recording of them was the only way that I could process what had

happened. I wrote “My thoughts are jumbled; my feelings are anger and grief. I am frightened for

the future of my children” (artifact 2c). In the days and weeks following this event, thoughts and

feelings were constantly being recorded. This type of venting is a brain balance exercise that is

required for my mental health.

In July of 2002 I wrote “This journal is turning into a cry fest. I seems like all I write

about are things that are making me mad or upset. The reason being I guess is that whenever I

get really mad, sad or whatever that I really don’t have an outlet for those feelings. So once again

I come to the “Book” to write out my anger” (artifact 4). I may not journal every day or even

every month but when I do it is due to that sleep deprivation monster rearing his ugly head.

These times of stress are often followed by a profound sense of detachment from reality. The

exercise of recording events can and often does put the events into perspective, a forum for

review and contemplation. I was unhappy, but writing down my feelings, getting them out of my

mind then gave me the courage to make the necessary changes, to make myself happy. First, I

began singing in the community choir and second by going back to school. Both these items in

my life would not have been even remotely in my field of vision had I not first recorded my

sadness and frustrations in my journal.

Last year in March of 2017 my husband Kelly had a major heart attack while he was

driving with me in the passenger side of the car. The detailed events of that day were recorded
about a week following the experience. I recall that I waited so long to record this event was

because I was too busy both day and night in the hospital fighting for his life that the sleep

monster did not visit me until we were home. Probably because I did not sleep. When the

hospital staff tells you that you can sleep on the lounge chair or on the bench in the patient rooms

they lie, there is no sleep in the hospital for anyone. I recorded the events that happened to me

for the entire day. Every detail of that day had been engrained upon my mind, they would not go

away, I kept thinking about them over and over until finally I wrote them down. This exercise of

putting the events down in chronological order let me view the day and weeks following Kelly’s

heart attack with a new eye. I recorded “I thought to myself- I may have even said this out loud,

“So this is the day I become a widow” (artifact 3d).” This horrific thought came to me as I

watched the volunteers and the paramedics that seemed to come from out of the woodwork begin

to administer CPR to my husband. This singular moment in time is the most out of reality

moment that I have ever experienced. The thought that that day, that particular day I would

forever be with out my partner was daunting in the least. The biggest shock of my life was when

after Kelly had been taken to the emergency room I walked in and “I could not believe my eyes,

Kelly lived?! (Artifact 3d).” The recording of traumatic events helped me to focus on the

important things, the blessings that occurred and not the possible negative outcome. I recorded

twenty separate blessings that occurred that day, which I might not have been able to see had I

recorded them in the moment.

 Artifact 3c Blessing List (Partial)

As I researched my texts I became

more acutely aware of the extended

blessings that Kelly and I received. The

review of traumatic events in this manner

allows me to see the events much clearer

and with a mind not so centered on the

small moment but on the larger canvas

that is our life.

“The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story and writes

another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what

he vowed to make it.”

J.M. BARRIE, The Little Minister

This quote by the author of “Peter Pan” sums up for me what writing in a journal

does. The ability to see my crazy life in the light of day without the sleep monster pursuing me.

My journal as given me the opportunity to review the things that are, that are not, and the things

that I would wish for. The use of writing in this way is therapeutic in the sense that my brain can

not hold all that is in there and like Dumbledore said to the effect that sometimes one must just

pull things out of your mind, to review later. These writings have been the first step in helping
me to move beyond myself and seek out ways for me to be a better me, more rounded, more

fulfilled and more myself.

Dumbledore Memory Removal – Harry Potter Goblet of Fire

Works Cited

J.M. BARRIE, The Little Minister

http://notable-quotes.com/b/barrie_j_m.html

Dumbledore Picture- Harry Potter Goblet of Fire

https://www.google.com/search?q=7umbledore+memory&rlz=1C1JZAP_enUS
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CgFQKHYvhDP8Q7Al6BAgBEA0&biw=1366&bih=662#imgrc=Dm7fYAaY8tYkQ
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