Positive Discipline

Concept Charts

0“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Behavior is Purposive
The goal of all behavior is to feel belonging and have
significance. Misbehavior is from the mistaken belief
about how to feel belonging and significance.

How beliefs are formed:

Belonging – feeling a part of the group

Significance – believing you have something to

contribute to the group
1“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
Children are always making decisions…

About themselves:
I am a hard worker
I am lazy
I can figure it out
I need other people to help me

About others:
People are trustworthy
People are not there for me
People are fair
People are critical

About the world:

The world around me is predictable
The world is a scary place
The world is full of resources
The world is full of violence

Therefore, I must… (to feel belonging)

2“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Children Thrive
…when they find healthy ways to find
belonging and significance.

Misbehavior is a child's attempt

to survive a perceived lack of
belonging and significance.

A Misbehaving Child is a Discouraged Child

…who mistakenly believes the only

way to find belonging and significance is
through some form of misbehavior.

A Misbehaving Child is speaking in CODE.

When we break the CODE we find
that the child is saying,

“I’m a child, and I just want to belong.”

3“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Five Criteria for Effective
Discipline

• Helps a child feel a sense of

connection.

• Is mutually respectful and

encouraging.

• Is effective long-term.

• Teaches children important

social and life skills.

• Helps children develop the

belief that they are capable.

4“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
Questions for Short-Term Results
1. How do I make a child mind me?
2. How do I make a child understand “no”?
3. How do I get a child to listen to me?
4. How do I get a child to cooperate
(do what I say)?
5. How do I make this problem go away?

Questions for Long-Term Results

1. How do I help a child become capable?
2. How do I get into a child’s world and support
his or her developmental process?
3. How do I help a child feel belonging and
significance by listening?
4. How do I help a child learn social and life
(cooperation) skills, such as communication
and problem solving?
5. How do I use this problem as an opportunity
for learning—for children and for myself?

5“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
Developing Relationships with Children
According to the Dimensions of
Kindness and Firmness

High Kindness

Freedom, No Order Freedom and Order

(Permissive) (Authoritative)

Low High
Firmness Firmness

No Freedom, No Order No Freedom, Order

(Neglect) (Authoritarian)

Low Kindness
Terry Chadsey

6“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 The Breathing Polarity Chart
L+ R+

Oxygen Clean out CO2

INHALE EXHALE

Too Much CO2 Lack of Oxygen

L- R-
Terry Chadsey

7“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Brain in the Palm of the Hand
(Flipping Your Lid)
Brain Stem-wrist
regulating survival body functions…
Cortex-back of hand
receives information from hearing, sight,
touch…
Prefrontal Cortex-finger tips
Regulation of body through autonomic
nervous system, emotion regulation,
regulation of inter personal relationships,
response flexibility, intuition, letting go of
fears, morality…
Midbrain-thumb tucked under fingers
Holds memory, emotions and the body’s
safety radar…
(make a fist with the thumb covered by the fingertips) TP pg. 85, Jody McVittie, MD

8“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Recovery: Mending Mistakes
Adapted by Ari Molina

1. Regather:
Make sure both of you have calmed down – even if it
means waiting.
2. Recognize:
“Whoops, I made a mistake.”
3. Responsibility:
Accept your responsibility in the mistake or conflict.
Be specific: “I yelled at you instead of waiting to calm
down to tell you how I felt.”
4. Reconcile:
Express regret: “I’m sorry.” Do this briefly. Don’t
attempt to make yourself feel better by explaining
things.
5. Resolve: (Re–solve)
Share what you learned. Or, you might propose how
you will take responsibility for preventing similar
episodes. Or, you might invite the other person’s help.
“How can we work on this together to make it better?”

9“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Encouragement vs. Praise
The long range effect of encouragement…

is that it invites self-confidence.

The long-range effect of praise…

invites dependence on others.

Wondering whether the statements you make to

children are praise or encouragement? Ask,

9 Am I inspiring self-evaluation or dependence on

the evaluation of others?
9 Am I being respectful or patronizing?
9 Am I seeing the child’s point of view or only
my own?
9 Would I make this comment to a friend?

ENCOURAGEMENT TO A CHILD IS LIKE WATER TO A

PLANT. WITHOUT IT, THEY WILL DIE – ONE A
PHYSICAL DEATH, THE OTHER EMOTIONAL.

10“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 The Four Mistaken
Goals of Behavior
Undue Attention: “I belong only
when I have your attention or
special service.”
Misguided Power: “I belong only
when I’m winning, or at least
when I don’t let you win.”
Revenge: “It hurts that I don’t
belong, but at least I can
hurt back.”
Assumed Inadequacy: “I give up,
it’s impossible to belong.”

11“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Four Mistaken Goals Chart
(TP pg. 205-207)

—The Role Plays—

Role Play #1
• Child Misbehaves
• Adult responds from column #3
• Child responds from column #4
Role Play #2
• Child repeats misbehavior
• Adult responds from column #7
• Child responds—
“in the moment”

12“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Four R’s of Punishment
• Resentment: “This is unfair.
I can’t trust adults.”
• Revenge: “They are winning now,
but I’ll get even.”
• Rebellion: “I’ll do just the
opposite to prove I don’t have
to do it their way.”
• Retreat: Sneakiness—
“I won’t get caught next
time.”
Reduced self-esteem —
“I’m a bad person.”

13“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 FAMILY MEETINGS
(TP page 139)

Use a talking stick.

1. Give Compliments to each member:
“I appreciate (compliment) _________ for
_________because __________.”

Recipient replies, “Thank you.”

2. Reach a consensus on a 2 to 3 hour family

activity.
• All ideas and opinions are valued
• Decide on the activity you all can live with.
3. Try this at home this week and add #4
below. (or just do #1 and #4)

4. Play a family game and have a dessert.

14“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Four Steps for Effective
Follow-Through
(TP pg. 160)

1. Have a friendly discussion where

everyone gets to voice his/her feelings
and thoughts around the issue.

2. Brainstorm for possible solutions and

choose one that both you and your child
agree to.

3. Agree on a specific time deadline (to

the minute).

4. Understand children well enough to

know that the deadline probably won’t be
met and simply follow through with your
part of the agreement by holding them
accountable.

15“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Four Traps that Defeat Effective
Follow-Through
(TP pg. 160)

1. Wanting children to have the same

priorities as adults.

2. Getting into judgments and criticism

instead of sticking to the issue.

3. Not getting agreements in advance

that include a specific time for the
deadline.

4. Not maintaining dignity and respect

for the child and yourself.

16“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Four Hints for Effective
Follow-Through
(TP pg. 161)

1. Keep comments simple and concise.

“I notice you didn’t mow the lawn;
Would you please do that now.”

2. In response to objections, ask,

“What was our agreement?”

3. In response to further objections, shut

your mouth and use nonverbal
communication. (Point to your watch.
Smile knowingly. Give a hug and point to
your watch again.)

4. When the child concedes to keep the

agreement (sometimes obviously annoyed)
say, “Thank you for keeping our
agreement.”

17“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Four R’s and an H when
Focusing on Solutions

A respectful consequence or
solution is—
1. Related
2. Respectful
3. Reasonable
4. Revealed in Advance
5. And Helpful

18“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Listening - Effective and Ineffective
(TP pg. 197)

Two volunteers A and B

1. “A” shares a problem/ ”B” gives

advice. Process.

2. “A” shares a problem/ “B” puts

down, criticizes or gets angry or says
nothing or walks away. Process.

3. “A” shares a problem/ “B” validates

feelings using:

“You feel ________ because

________ and you wish _______.”
Process.

19“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 “I” Messages vs. “Eye” Messages
(PD for Preschoolers Facilitator’s Guide, pg. 46)

“When ___________happens, I feel

____________ because __________.

I would rather ________________ would

happen instead.”
Or…
“I don’t like it when ____________ happens,
and I feel _________.

I’m worried that _________________ might

happen, and what I’d rather see is
___________.”
Young children: (Use a fake bug in one hand and a
wand in the other to teach young children to express
their feelings.) (Suzanne Smitha)

“It bugs me when ________________ and I

wish __________________.”

20“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Using Encouragement Effectively

• Pay attention to timing

• Use an “I” message
• Withdraw from the conflict
• Make an appointment to get together
• Invite the child to put the issue on the
family meeting agenda
• Listen
• Use the four steps to cooperation
• Build on strengths, not weaknesses
• Engage in joint problem solving
• Focus on improvement
• Redirect misbehavior
• Support children in making amends
• Avoid social pressure

21“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
Using Encouragement Effectively (continued)

• Plan scheduled “special time”

• Share saddest and happiest times of the
day at bedtime
• Use encouragement instead of praise
• Avoid criticism. Ask the child, “How
would you like to improve?”
• Encourage self-evaluation
• Take time for training
• Ask, “What is your understanding of
what we decided?”
• Involve child in creating routine charts
• Teach that mistakes are opportunities
to learn
• Ask curiosity questions, don’t tell
• Try a hug (Positive Discipline, Revised, pg. 169-70)

22“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Sibling Fighting and The Four B’s
(PD for Preschoolers Facilitator’s Guide, pg. 105-107)

Build On It- The parent/teacher uses the

fighting to teach the young child what to do
when people fight, and how to fight fairly.
Children learn from others how to fight-usually
in win-lose positions. It’s a whole different
thing when “mutual respect” enters a
home/center.

Beat It – The parent/teacher leaves.

Bear It – The parent/teacher stays but doesn’t

get involved.

Boot ‘Em Out – The parent/teacher removes all

the children from the scene, saying, “It’s
alright to fight, and you need to do it where
it’s safer.”
23“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Nine Temperaments
( TP Handout pg 67)

1. Activity Level (High/Low)

2. Rhythmicity (Predictable/Unpredictable body
routine)
3. Initial Response (Approach/Withdrawal)
4. Adaptability (Adjusts Slowly/Adjusts Quickly
to changes)
5. Sensory Threshold (High/Low to Touch,
Sound, Taste, Sight, Smell)
6. Quality of Mood (Dark Side/Bright Side
7. Intensity of Reactions (Reaction to
Stimuli--Displays Quiet
Disappointment/Boisterous Disappointment
8. Distractibility (Easy Going/Intense)
9. Persistence and Attention Span (High/Low
Response to a challenging task)

24“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Curiosity Questions
What happened?
What do you think caused that
to happen?
How do you feel about what
happened?
What effect do you think this
might have on others?
What did you learn from this
experience?
How do you plan to solve the
problem?
How can I help?

25“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Empowering vs. Enabling
(TP pg. 129)

Enabling is:
1. Doing too much for them
2. Giving them too much
3. Over protecting/rescuing
4. Lying for them
5. Punishing/controlling
6. Living in denial
7. Fixing
8. Bailing them out

26“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Empowering vs. Enabling
(TP pg. 129)

Empowering is:
1. Listening and giving emotional
support
2. Teaching life skills
3. Working on agreements
4. Letting go (without abandoning)
5. Deciding what you will do
6. Sharing what you think, how
you feel, what you want
7. Sticking to the issue with
dignity and respect

27“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 The Continuum of Change
(TP pg. 99)

Level of Awareness:
Unconscious

Unconscious
Conscious

Conscious

Skill Level:
Unskilled
Unskilled

Skilled

Skilled

Feelings:

28“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”
 Top Card
(TP pg. 251)

Rejection Stress
and and
Hassles Pain

Pleasing Comfort

Criticism Meaninglessness
and and
Humiliation Unimportance

Control Superiority

29“These Charts contain concepts and information originally introduced by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, developed by Lynn Lott, Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Associates and used here with permission,  Positive Discipline Association, 2009.”