Chicago

Bro’s and Penn Douche Midseason Report

We’ve made it to yet another mid-way point in the year and it’s time for you to get an unbiased expert
evaluation on your team from the honorable league office Commish. There’s a lot to get to this year,
because my God, there are a lot of morons in here. So with out any further ado, let’s make fun of everyone
we possibly can.

Team Scouting Report:

Jeffalo Bills (6-1) 1st Place

Year, after year, after year I go about destroying this league and as per usual I’m in first place. I was 7-1
during the Mid-Season report last year and have yet again destroyed you peasants through a combination
of drafting, free agent pick-ups and trading. I simply cannot wait until I lose yet another Super Bowl this
year. That’s just how this league works. But wait, I didn’t quite make the Super Bowl last year? What
happened to my usual fate? Did some complete moron of a player trump fate with his idiotic stupidity?

(That’s right, it’s story time)

It was the most intense fantasy matchup of all time as far as I’m concerned. Last year. Semi-final
championship round. Me vs. Thomas. Thomas has a nobody running back (Tim Hightower) as his last
hope to beat me and needs like 10 points or something like that. He almost had the match won in the first
half as Hightower scored on a goal line touchdown only to have it wiped out on a holding penalty. Then,
in the second half, the Saints are losing and need to throw. Hightower is quiet. A chip here, a chip there.
By the last drive, neigh, the last play of the game, I’m still holding on to a 1.6 point lead. The Saints are
running out of time down by 7 at their own 28. There’s 7 seconds left. One more play and yet another
ticket to the Super Bowl is mine. The tension the game brought me has finally started to dissipate as I
notice the Saints line up with a 4 wide, one back set for the last play of the game. Obviously, they needed
one back to help block for a long Hail Mary. So what does Drew Brees, the gunslinging all star quarterback
decide to do? He decides to run a dump off to Hightower. What a fucking idiot. But wait there’s more!
Hightower, decides to go ahead and not even ATTEMPT to lateral the ball before getting tackled. He
would rather fight for an extra, let’s call it 2, yards. NO WONDER THE SAINTS ARE WORTHLESS EVERY
YEAR! In the end, Because of this idiocy, I lost by 2 yards. Because Tim Hightower decided “fuck trying to
win the game” and instead fought for an extra two yards without lateraling to a teammate.


Here’s how the whole thing went down on the field:











 Chicago Bro’s and Penn Douche Midseason Report

 Chicago Bro’s and Penn Douche Midseason Report

Complete moron… So on went Thomas to the Super Bowl instead of the Jeffalo Bills. He ended up losing
as I should have, and would have, had I made it. Lateral out Tim! Lateral OUT!!!

Luckily, I was able to take the loss well and only cowered in a hole of pure darkness for a few days
afterwards while focusing my mind on other things, such as redecorating my room out of what one can
only presume was a “Ray Finkle’s Living” Catalog:

Anyway, back to the present time, as you will see later on the keys to my domination this year started
with incredible drafting in the first couple rounds. I’m awesome and so much better than any of the rest
of you. That’s basically the key take-away this year, and every year ever.

 Chicago Bro’s and Penn Douche Midseason Report

Cayman Cider (5-2) 2nd Place

If you were wondering who the “Penn Douche”
was in the league name, wonder no more. This is
also the face of an idiot that drafted a kicker in
the top of the 6th round. Not only that, but this
moron is usually still drunk by the time lineups
are due, because he plays players that either
don’t play or lay a goose egg. (Week 3: Willie
Snead, Week 4: 6th round pick Stephen
Goskowski, Week 5: Stephon Diggs, Week 6:
Jordan Reed). Classic Matt. But here’s the real

kicker (aside from his 6th round one), he is
beating you. No, not me. YOU.


Gotta Catch Jamaal (5-2) 3rd Place

Miller has developed a nice team again this year. Not as nice as mine of course, but you know – nice. And
you’re welcome for the team name! Miller is just kinda Miller, so we’ll just move on.

OBJYN (4-3) 4th Place

Bhupen’s team name refers to his “stellar draft pick” with O’Dell Beckam. Bhupen and ODB are a great
pair because they both have the same amount of emotional restraint as you might imagine the Hulk after
snorting a kilo of coke.

Bhupen’s emotional soul mate:

 Chicago Bro’s and Penn Douche Midseason Report


I honestly can’t decide who’s the whinier bitch. Beckham is clearly crying but every time I read Bhupen’s
message I just hear “waah waah wahhhhh, I know some swear words, wah waah waaahhhh” over and
over again.

In case you missed what Bhupen was all butt hurt about here’s how it all went down:

#TradeGate2016

Chris, being the dumb little brother the rest of the league has to protect, offered Bhupen the following
deal which as you can see was vetoed by the league.

With enough people vetoing the deal, it was killed. This led to the aforementioned outburst. In defending
the “fairness” of this trade, Bhupen claimed Matt Asiata was a solid rb2 making the trade “legit”. Upon the
trade being vetoed, the following transaction was made on his behalf:

You’ll notice the miraculously short amount of time it took for Matt Asiata to turn from a “legit” RB2 to
droppable after a “fair trade offer” (October 19, 10am – October 19, 7pm).

#3HBNK (4-3) 5th Place

Year after year and year, Steve is the epitome of average. To this day, he has not used a dime of his faab
bank and to tell you the truth, I don’t think he even knows what it is. He makes no attempt to be good, yet
somehow is never really bad. Judging by his statement below, it isn’t any wonder why his team never
does more than mediocre.

Or maybe he just means that he’s voting for Trump. Or, hell, Hillary.

I don’t know if Berry will slip his way into the playoffs this year but does it really matter?



 Chicago Bro’s and Penn Douche Midseason Report

Silent Hill (4-3) 6th Place

Luke, for I know, might literally have been dead for the past four years or so and be playing through a bot,
because I haven’t heard a peep from him in any way shape or any form in about that long. If anyone has
heard from him or knows someone that has, please feel free to not inform me in any way. His check
cleared, so I don’t care.

Master Beaters (4-3) 7th Place

My old man, the league’s reigning champion, has himself in the mix again. Throughout all this tradegate
talk he has found himself wondering “why didn’t anyone veto my trade?” He gave up Gronk for Cam
Newton and Tyler Eifert, who might in fact be deceased. Since then Gronk has turned back into Gronk and
Dad is left wishing someone looked over him to make sure he didn’t make stupid deals.

Why Do I Even Bother?, AKA Just Take My Money, AKA Black Bus Bitch Bag, AKA Tim Hightowers,
AKA Fuck Jeffafas (3-4) #1 Seed in Consolation Bracket

I know there’s more of Kuney’s past team names but these are the ones that come to mind. If you’re new
to this league, you might look at this team and think to yourself, “Wow, Kuney sucks!” If you’re not new to
this league you look at this team and think to yourself, “Wow Kuney sucks…but not nearly as bad as
usual! Good for Kuney!”

The most impressive thing Kuney has done this year is give up an astounding 755 points against in just 7
weeks. Upon seeing that you play Kuney, he will likely greet you with some appropriate smack talk such
as: “Hi I’m playing you, congrats on this week’s league high score.”

I found myself wondering if Kuney ever made the playoffs even in this league. I know what you’re
thinking, but in fact, he has made the playoffs! If I recall correctly he won the consolation bracket a couple
years ago and earned himself the first place loser of the league. I’ve got my money on him again this year.
Just kidding. My money is being put to use towards placing. Unlike Kuney’s.

The important thing to know here about Kuney is that he sucks.

Gay Butlers (3-4)

Hetaabh’s squad started the year off 0-4. A warm welcome back Hetaabh! Fortunately for him, he has
fought his way back to having a chance. I call him the anti-Chris, which, sounds weird, but makes sense
because instead of winning four games to start the year and losing 8 in a row afterwards and then doing
the same thing again the next year with 5 wins to start the year like Chris, Hetaabh lost his first four and
is now making his comeback.

Will he make it 4 wins in a row this week to keep the comeback going? I wonder who he’s playing? …. Oh.
It’s Kuney. I’ll just go ahead and Venmo Hetaabh his $5 now.

The important thing to know here about Hetaabh’s team is that Kuney sucks.

 Chicago Bro’s and Penn Douche Midseason Report

Cubbies Blue’s Clues (2-5)

Oh dear Moses where do I start with Chris? It’s good to see that he decided not to let himself down this
year and just go ahead and start off by sucking from the get-go. Listen. We all know Chris could legally
qualify himself as a 501 (c) after all the years he has spent not making a dime, but there’s more than just
his bottom line that we can rail on him for. Let’s take a closer look at his sleek salesy trading skills.

Chris has come along way from having to be saved by the rest of the league for giving the only positive
players on his team away for droppable “RB2” type garbage. You see, before #TradeGate2016, he sent
trade offers to all sorts of teams with the most low bally offers one could imagine. You, the reader reading
this, are probably now recollecting on the shitty offer that came your way. For me, it was the following:

Safe to call Elliot, the second best player in fantasy, and Robinson is still a low end RB1, for a WR1. Don’t
know about you but I say that’s hot garbage. But here’s the best part. It’s not the awful offer. It’s not the
waste of my time. It’s the message he sent me right after sending the offer that makes it painfully obvious
that he already knew his offer was a joke:

Translation: “Hey I know this offer blows so feel free to start completely from scratch and make me a
counter”. Well, upon receiving this offer, I went ahead and tinkered with his offer a bit and gave the man
what he would “love to see”:

 Chicago Bro’s and Penn Douche Midseason Report

My Counter to Chris:

 Chicago Bro’s and Penn Douche Midseason Report

With all of this taken into account, Chris still has the highest grade from me this year solely for his
performance at my wedding. Held my drunk ass up for the entire Chelsea Dagger reception topper:

Look at that stance. Solid work. Hey Bhupen, luckily, Chris didn’t think I was an “RB2” – because he didn’t
drop me…

A +++ Chris. You really deserve the trophy this year. You just won’t get it though. Ever.

Forte Shades of Jay (1-6)

Thomas, karma is a bitch and your team flat blows this year. Looks like Adam Humphries is in your lineup
this week. Who the hell is that? Does he even play football? Anyway, you suck. And after last year, that’s
what you get. LATERAL OUT TIM. LATERAL OUT!!

Upper Deckers (1-6)

Adam is and always has been the league bottom feeder. Great job capitalizing on having the number one
pick in the draft. It sure helped.

 Chicago Bro’s and Penn Douche Midseason Report

So there’s your team report card. Now let’s look at how we all did in the draft.

Below we have a chart of the top performing players in the league. I controlled for QB’s as they skew the
results due to the nature of the position. The figures show the players average points per game they play.

Average Average
WR/RB/TE PPG WR/RB/TE PPG
1 David Johnson Ari - RB 20.91 26 Theo Riddick Det - RB 12.02
2 Ezekiel Elliott Dal - RB 18.02 27 Michael Crabtree Oak - WR 12.01
3 DeMarco Murray Ten - RB 17.5 28 Latavius Murray Oak - RB 11.96
4 Melvin Gordon SD - RB 17.09 29 Frank Gore Ind - RB 11.84
5 LeSean McCoy Buf - RB 15.93 30 Lamar Miller Hou - RB 11.69
6 Julio Jones Atl - WR 15.29 31 Odell Beckham Jr. NYG - WR 11.29
7 Le'Veon Bell Pit - RB 15.23 32 Larry Fitzgerald Ari - WR 11.21
8 Mike Evans TB - WR 15.08 33 Mark Ingram NO - RB 11.13
9 Spencer Ware KC - RB 14.95 34 Ameer Abdullah Det - RB 10.9
10 LeGarrette Blount NE - RB 15.1 35 Jeremy Hill Cin - RB 10.61
11 Corey Coleman Cle - WR 14.65 36 Kelvin Benjamin Car - WR 10.57
12 Carlos Hyde SF - RB 14.25 37 Danny Woodhead SD - RB 10.55
13 Jay Ajayi Mia - RB 14.4 38 Davante Adams GB - WR 10.5
14 A.J. Green Cin - WR 13.64 39 Eric Decker NYJ - WR 10.47
15 T.Y. Hilton Ind - WR 13.27 40 Todd Gurley LA - RB 10.44
16 Christine Michael Sea - RB 12.93 41 Michael Thomas NO - WR 10.28
17 Antonio Brown Pit - WR 13.01 42 Amari Cooper Oak - WR 10.2
18 Tevin Coleman Atl - RB 13.2 43 Mike Wallace Bal - WR 10.13
19 Matt Forte NYJ - RB 12.67 44 Terrelle Pryor Sr. Cle - WR 10.12
20 Brandin Cooks NO - WR 12.42 45 DeAngelo Williams Pit - RB 10.1
21 Marvin Jones Jr. Det - WR 12.37 46 Willie Snead NO - WR 10.06
22 Greg Olsen Car - TE 12.5 47 Jordy Nelson GB - WR 10.02
23 C.J. Anderson Den - RB 12.36 48 Jordan Howard Chi - RB 10
24 Isaiah Crowell Cle - RB 12.03 49 Rob Gronkowski NE - TE 9.9
25 Michael Crabtree Oak - WR 12.01 50 Emmanuel Sanders Den - WR 9.7


Here’s how the top QB’s have fared using the same metrics:

1 Tom Brady NE - QB 25.02
2 Drew Brees NO - QB 24.34
3 Matt Ryan Atl - QB 23.13
4 Cam Newton Car - QB 22.53
5 Andrew Luck Ind - QB 21.98
6 Ben Roethlisberger Pit QB 21.2
7 Matthew Stafford DetQB 20.74
8 Aaron Rodgers GB - QB 20.57

 Chicago Bro’s and Penn Douche Midseason Report


Draft Analysis:

Draft’s are won by hitting home runs on your first couple of picks and finding the sleepers later on. Here’s
a quick run down of how each player drafted in the first two rounds turned out. You can surmise that the
red highlight means bust, and green means hit. Dark green means homerun hit. I left out the majorly
injured players because that’s just bad luck, but as you can see, my first two picks were home run hits and
that is why I am so much better than you at this. You’ll notice that if your team sucks, you fucked up
somewhere in the first two rounds.

Round 1

1 Todd Gurley(LA - RB) Upper Deckers

2 Cubbie Blue'...
Antonio Brown(Pit - WR)
3 OBJYN
Odell Beckham Jr.(NYG - WR)
4 Why do I eve...
Julio Jones(Atl - WR)
5 #3HBNK
David Johnson(Ari - RB)
6 Master Beaters
Rob Gronkowski(NE - TE)
7 Jeffalo Bills
Ezekiel Elliott(Dal - RB)
8 Silent Hill
A.J. Green(Cin - WR)
9 Gotta catch ...
Lamar Miller(Hou - RB)
10 Cayman Cider
Le'Veon Bell(Pit - RB)
11 Forte Shades...
DeAndre Hopkins(Hou - WR)
12 Adrian Peterson(Min - RB) Gay Butlers

Round 2
1 Allen Robinson(Jax - WR) Gay Butlers

2 Forte Shades...
Cam Newton(Car - QB)
3 Cayman Cider
Aaron Rodgers(GB - QB)
4 Gotta catch ...
Brandon Marshall(NYJ - WR)
5 Silent Hill
Dez Bryant(Dal - WR)
6 Jeffalo Bills
Mike Evans(TB - WR)
7 Master Beaters
Alshon Jeffery(Chi - WR)
8 #3HBNK
Doug Martin(TB - RB)
9 Why do I eve...
Mark Ingram(NO - RB)
10 OBJYN
Brandin Cooks(NO - WR)
11 Cubbie Blue'...
Keenan Allen(SD - WR)
12 Upper Deckers
Eddie Lacy(GB - RB)

Forever yours,

-Honorable Commish