Chicago Bro’s and Penn Douche

Midseason Report 2020

I’d like to thank everyone working from home for sacrificing a few minutes out of your 17-
minutes of actual work business day to read the 2020 Chicago Bros and Penn Douche Fantasy
Football Midseason Report. I have been Commishing this league for the better part of a decade
now and I can’t properly convey just how much I appreciate each and every one of you for, year
in and year out, providing me with an interest free loan from September to January. And in this
election year, I would like to remind you all that when it comes to Commish election, there will
be no mail in voting allowed, nor voting of any kind whatsoever because this league is not a
republic and I will reign on this throne until the end of time. Any comments or concerns on this
matter can be dropped off here:

As is tradition, here is the rundown of each team in order of standing detailing how their season
has gone so far and what they can look forward to end the year:

Adam has somehow managed to bungle his way to first place this year despite being a consistent
double-digit rank finisher in years past. Word on the league chat is that he sold his soul to the
Devil. I’m not even sure he’s ever been .500 prior to 2020 after Week 1, yet here he is with an
unblemished 7-0 record in his fourth year in the league. While a deal with the devil is possible, I
think I know why Adam is suddenly good: and it’s all my fault. You see, in Adam’s first year in
the league in 2017, I (his best man in his wedding that same year) allegedly scheduled the draft
on his honeymoon. The following year, the draft just so happened to fall on his first-year
wedding anniversary… and perhaps again in 2019. I can only imagine the hardship this put on
Adam: drawing up X’s and O’s to keep going to the bathroom every thirty seconds to complete
the draft without drawing suspicion. The mental hurdles he must have put himself through is
actually pretty heroic. Well, like I said, this is all my fault because in this year 2020, the draft
was not scheduled on Adam’s honeymoon or anniversary and he actually got to be present
without worrying about being a blink of an eye from updating the ole dating site avis.
But maybe the haters are right. Maybe Adam did sell his soul to the devil. I mean, based on his
draft card, I don’t see anything resembling a 7-0 team. Not even close:
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Midseason Report 2020

Sure, Kyler, Diggs, and Rodgers have been good, but let me remind you all this is a 1QB league.
And sure, Swift is starting to get going, but this is NOT the roster of any 7-0 team. No way. No
how.
Let’s dig further. As you all might know, I created a metric called wins above replacement for
fantasy football and I won’t go on about how much acclaim it received or that Michael Berry
follows me for fantasy advice on Twitter. What I will do is isolate how Adam’s team has
performed so far and estimate how many wins Adam’s team should have up to this point. Here’s
how his best nine starters in each position have performed according to WAR (far right column):

Taking the average of each player’s WAR gives us a starting roster WAR of 0.167. Basically, his
team is average as fuck. He should be either 3-4 or 4-3, but definitely NOT 7 - 0.
The deal with the devil theory has serious legs here. How on earth can this be?
Here’s a graph I was too lazy to title or label showing how many points opponents scored on
each of the 12 fantasy teams in our league. Adam’s opponents are the left-most bar and have
scored the least (601), which averages out to an abysmal 85.9 PPG.
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Midseason Report 2020

Even Thomas (0-7 this year and last place finisher in 2019) has averaged more points than
Adam’s opponents. Clearly, the fantasy gods have their chosen boy this year. But just keep in
mind Adam that bottom feeders like you have started off hot in the past (Nunez, and in another
year, Nunez) and came crashing down fast.

Silent Luke, our current champion has established himself as a top name in this league. At 5-2
this year and a ship in his belt, Luke has made it into the rare Platinum-level club in Yahoo just
this past week:
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Midseason Report 2020

Only the top 10% of fantasy teams on Yahoo’s platform make this elusive club, so it’s always
cute to see someone achieve this feat. As a member of the Diamond-level club myself (once a
member, always a member), I can speak firsthand that it’s going to take a lot more work to get
into the top 99 percent.
This is about all I can say about Luke while at the same time subtly reminding him that I’m still
better than him so let’s move on.

I’m not one to bring up bad memories, but I totally forgot how last season ended so I went back
to see what happened in the Super Bowl last year:
Oh yeah:

For those keeping score, that was a 14-yard (rushing or receiving) margin for Luke in the closest
Super Bowl matchup of this league.
It came down to the final game. Luke was in the clubhouse at 110.38 and Arvin had a hot FA
pickup in Mike Boone replacing an injured Dalvin Cook and Mattison. Minnesota’s run offense
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Midseason Report 2020
was pretty powerful all year and Boone’s 17.6 points in Week 15 all but guaranteed Arvin could
get a measly 4.7 points to take home the trophy. Well, we all know how that went:

Our Super Bowl runner-up again finds himself little spoon to Silent Luke in the standings. 5-2
might seem pretty good, but looking at the roster on this team, you’d think Arvin would be 7-0.
Lamar Jackson. Devante Adams, Alvin Kamara… shit that should basically do it right there.
Kareem Hunt, Chris Godwin, Kenyon Drake. This all-star lineup is a sign of a keeper league
manager playing his cards right and assembling a team ready to lose another heart breaker in the
Super Bowl.

I took a trip a while back to Arlington National Cemetery to do some firsthand recon work on
Miller’s team, and let me tell you, this team is about as dead as it gets. Every year it’s the same
Midseason Report spiel for Miller, he puts the kiss of death on anyone near his draft board and
endures more buckets kicked on his team than a Stomp concert.
Let’s get a quick recap of how Miller’s historic success at maintaining player health with a quick
Midseason Report 2018 flashback. In that year, he quickly lost to injury Doug Baldwin, Jimmy
G, Dalvin Cook, Leonard Fournette and Delanie Walker. Here was my assessment then:
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Midseason Report 2020

Let’s update that assessment for 2020:

Some things never change. Miller really outdead himself this year. I don’t think anyone
anywhere will ever experience a worse pandemic than Miller’s starting lineup. His team has
more torn tendons than a Buffalo Wild Wings trash bin. So far, he has lost Dak Prescott, Odell
Beckham Jr., Michael Thomas, and Miles Sanders for extended weeks AND Dalvin Cook for a
short stint. Simply impressive work by Michael Kvorkian. But hey, what is dead may never die,
and despite all this, Miller still finds himself with an impressive 5-2 record. I hope you enjoy that
while you can Miller.
To get a true understanding of Miller’s desperation of obtaining players with an actual pulse, just
look at the dollar bills he’s made rain on the following 2pm shift gentleman’s club caliber talent:
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Midseason Report 2020

Tough scene.

Kuney’s continual fascination with me leads him to get super creative and witty with team names
such as this. The cleverness is overflowing and I just don’t know if I’ll ever recover. I have to
say though, I’m impressed at his ability to have two of the best players in fantasy (CMC and
Aaron Jones) and have absolutely nothing else. Mike Davis has been the defacto CMC for him in
recent weeks but aside from this, his team is basically trash. And never forget my dog Ocooe’s
take on Kuney as a fantasy manager, and as a person in general:

Heetabh started the year looking like he was going to be a powerhouse. Pat Mahomes. Saquon
Barkley. Josh Jacobs. James Conner. Darren Waller. Tyler Lockett. Allen Robinson. Basically,
every position was cream of the crop. The idea of being below .500 with a team like this seems
unconscionable. But poor Heetabh has been straight robbed by having the second highest points
against and trading James Robinson to me for a broken down and inept Joe Mixon only to have
Robinson pour a 27-spot on him in Week 7. This was straight up burglary. Gosh, if only there
were some organization Heets could call to report this too. Just too bad for him.
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Midseason Report 2020

At 3-4, Bhupen is our official “Comeback Team of the Year” winner shocking everyone in rising
from the depths to becoming almost average. Way to go Bhupen!
Sometimes it’s hard to tell which team is who with all the name changes, but I’m never
wondering what team Bhupen is because it’s always the lamest name humanly possible. No
different this year either. Remember, “Antonio Brownderas”? Just so clever and witty.
I gotta be honest though, this might be Bhupen’s best team ever in this league. I mean, he’s one
win away from .500 but of course he plays me so that’s not happening. And I don’t know that
he’ll ever get out of the Bronze-level (for those keeping score this is the lowest possible level)
but now that Bhupen is married it seems he has less time to put effort into screwing up his
fantasy rosters. Overall, I give Bhupen an A+ on the year for Bhupen standards because I can
actually say with some level of certainty that it appears he is trying.

My dad has done a pretty good job at assembling the most boring team possible. Derek Carr is
his QB and JuJu Smith-Snoozster is his #1 WR. He paid $58 for Clyde-Edwards Helairre who’s
been decent enough I guess. You look at this average team and think – yep that’s about a .500
team right there. With that said and knowing how fantasy football works, it only makes sense
that he’ll probably win the Super Bowl.

After losing both his starting running backs to injury in Week 1 (Bell and Mack) along with star
tight end George Kittle, Berry somehow stumbled his way to a 3-4 record. I took a peek at his
team and after holding back the vomit realized that there’s a good chance he doesn’t win another
game this season. I mean, unless he plays Thomas.

Just to remind everyone, despite my recent struggles this year and last year, I am still currently a
past champion of this league – something no one thought possible after my team came up just
short so many years before. Basically, the only reason I am in the rut I’m in now is because of
A.J. Green and T.Y. Hilton. I really thought they’d be worth the clearance sale rack I got them
from but as it turns out, it’s not 2016 anymore. And A.J. Brown being injured really screwed me
too. Well, things are finally turning around as I am ready to board the Antonio Brown roller
coaster once again and slay this league down the stretch. With Jonathan Taylor, James Robinson
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Midseason Report 2020
and Old man Gurley occasionally falling out of his Hearse into the endzone, I have a solid set of
RBs to go along with my WR core of A. Brown squared. Add a killer best-matchup selection at
QB of either Herbert or Burrow and I’m no one to be trifled with. Watch out peasants and mark
my words. I’M BACK!

Coleman is still new to this league and in his third year of recovering from the Nunez fire sale.
Let’s check in on how he’s progressed by looking at the Yahoo trophies he’s been able to
accumulate since joining the league:

Oops, sorry, that’s me… One second… OK, here we go:

Well, like I said, recovering from the Nunez regime is going to take years, if not eons. Given his
current standing of 11/12 this year though, you can already see significant progress.
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Midseason Report 2020
Oohhh Thomas. Looks like you’ve become pretty partial to the last place license plate border, or
has Bhupen even sent that to you yet? Not gonna lie, didn’t know y’all would fight over that
thing, but I guess it makes sense seeing as it’s the only trophy either of you have ever been close
enough to sniff.
In the last two years, Thomas is 2-18. Practically speaking, this is not ideal. I went back to the
history books to see who the last team he was able to beat was, and I gotta say, I was impressed
to see Thomas put up a 70-spot in taking down the (non-Nunez) record holder for least points in
a game:
Week 12, 2019:

And I had to go all the way back to Week 1 of that year to find his final victim of the past two
years:
Week 1, 2019:

Yep. Thomas’ only two wins in the last two years were from Adam who averaged just a shade
over 52 points per game. Just a heroic effort by Thomas here to boldly take down the guy forced
to send carrier pigeons on his honeymoon to make draft picks.
- Your Commish