Yes, Mom Took Acid

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"Yes, Mom took acid:" Th e Sociohistorical Influence
of P rio r Psychedelic D ru g Use in A dults
bv
M a ria V icto ria M an g in i
DISSERTATION
Submitted in partial satisfaction o f the requirements for the degree of
DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY
in
N U R S IN G
in the
GRADUATE DIVISION
of the
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA SAN FRANCISCO
Approved:
Juliene G. Lipson R N , P hD , FA A N
Adele E. Clarke P hD
R eese T. Jones M D
Committee in Charge
Deposited in the Library, University of California San Francisco
Date Universitv Librarian
Degree Conferred:
UMI Number 9984019
Copyright 2000 by
Mangini, Maria Victoria
Ail rights reserved.
__ ®
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UMI Microform 9984019
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Bell & Howell Information and Learning Company

300 North Zeeb Road
P.O. Box 1346
Ann Arbor, Ml 48106-1346
C o p yrig h t 2000
by
M a ria V ic to ria M a n g in i
ii
D ed ication
To Jeanne F . DeJoseph R N C N M PhD F A A N
W ith o u t whose patience, support, advice and exam ple
I would have become someone very d ifferen t.
The m aster's tools w ill n ever d ism a n tle the m aster's house.
A ud rey Lourde (1 9 7 9 /1 9 8 4 )
S iste r O utsider: Essays and Speeches
iii
P reface
T h is study explores only a few aspects o f a complex an d
controversial topic. W h ile m y in te re s t in th is topic has been described as
o verdeterm in ed by m y personal circum stances and h isto ry, sifter six years
of intense study th e subject o f psychedelic drugs continues to fascinate me.
E ven a com pelling in te re s t in a com plex and controversial subject,
how ever, does not carry one th ro ugh a long project w ith o u t m a te ria l and
m oral support.
I have had th e advantage o f fellow ship support th ro ugh ou t m ost o f
m y doctoral study. I am indebted to th e Regents o f the U n iv e rs ity o f
C a lifo rn ia fo r th e aw ard o f fo ur successive Regents Fellow ships d u rin g m y
doctoral course w o rk and th e e a rly phases o f m y research on th is project.
The fin a l stage o f th is research, th e w ritin g o f th is d issertatio n, has been
supported by th e A m erican D iss ertatio n Fellow ship of th e A m erican
Association o f U n iv e rs ity W om en (A A U W ).
T im e ly and welcom e fin a n c ia l and m o ral support also cam e from th e
Foundation fo r D ream ers, and from D r. P a u lin e P ariser. J u lia n n e K em per
G illia m graciously underw rote th e tra n s c rip tio n costs for th is study.
Th ro ug hou t the research and w ritin g process, I have been c e n tra lly
dependent on th e assistance o f th e s ta ff o f th e L ib ra ry o f th e U n iv e rs ity o f
C a lifo rn ia , S an Francisco, w ith o u t whose know ledgeable, p ro m p t and
thorough services I could not have u n d e rta ken th is project; and o f M au reen
A lio to, accom plished a n a ly tic a l tra n s c rib e r, s ta lw a rt colleague and w arm
frie n d .**
N um erous generous and in sp irin g fa c u lty m em bers, doctoral student
colleagues and fellow drug researchers contributed g reatly to this project.
P a rtic u la rly h e lp fu l was the in p u t o f A rlen e K ap lan D aniels who w orked
w ith m e on analysis o f th e in terview s d u rin g th e tran sitio n from the use o f
grounded th eory to n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n . D iffe re n t groups of
tran scrip ts have been review ed, and advice and in sig h t on coding them es
and n a rra tiv e plots has been offered by tw o experienced q u a lita tiv e
researchers, K a th le e n H u ttlin g e r and H o w ard Pinderhughes. M e re d ith
Lavene and C arol Dawson provided v ita l opportunities for peer debriefing.
R ick D o b lin and J e rry Beck have helped c la rify th e histo rical background
and tim in g o f events related by some p articip an ts by searching th e ir own
research archives.
The fo u r m em bers o f th e com m ittee in charge o f m y doctoral
dissertatio n have been a jo y to w o rk w ith , and u n fa ilin g ly p atien t,
in fo rm a tiv e and fra n k through m any tim es o f crisis, transform ation,
despondency and exu ltatio n . In addition to th e ir qualifications in
anthropology, sociology, psychiatry and nu rsing , each o f them has been a
s k illfu l m id w ife to th e gestation and d elivery o f th is project.
The understanding, encouragem ent an d fle x ib ility of th e Hog F a rm ,
m y extended fa m ily , and o f m y "guys": m y uncle, m y fa th e r, m y brother,
m y nephew, m y stepson and m ost o f a ll m y dear husband, S tan Sluis, have
been m y refuge and m y reference point. I cannot th a n k you enough.
F in a lly I w ish to acknowledge a ll o f those who have been persecuted,
in tim id a te d , and incarcerated because o f th e social and legal conflicts over
psychedelic drugs. As someone who owes som ething o f value to psychedelic
d rug experiences, I honor w h a t you have suffered fo r th e ir sake.
A b s tra c t
"Yes, M om took acid:" T h e Sociohistorical In flu en ce
o f P rio r Psychedelic D ru g U se in A du lts
by
M a ria V ic to ria M a n g in i
This study uses the n a tu ra lis tic research m ethod o f n a rra tiv e
in te rp re ta tio n to explore some understandings th a t m iddle-aged h isto ric
users have developed about th e use o f psychedelic or "hallucinogenic"
drugs, and th e place o f psychedelic experiences in th e ir contem porary
lives. In taped in tervie w s, p articip an ts presented n a rra tiv e s w h ich
contained s im ila r s tru c tu ra l elem ents: em plotm ent in a p red ictable and
c u ltu ra lly coherent life script, in te rru p tio n by events and insights
associated w ith psychedelic experiences, and re s tru c tu rin g o f life
trajectories to encompass new goals, beliefs and values.
One them e in th e n arratives o f n early a ll p articip an ts was
recognition d u rin g psychedelic experiences o f a sense o f
interconnectedness: an awareness o f "u n ity o f a ll things" th a t has m uch in
common w ith descriptions o f s p iritu a l transform ations, states o f grace and
m ystical ecstasies. M a n y p articip an ts cited insights, ideals and
com m itm ents derived from th e ir psychedelic experiences as co n trib u to rs to
th e ir developm ent as socially responsible, ethical and hum ane citizen s, and
said th e ir psychedelic experiences helped them become m ore involved in
caring for th e ir com m unities and th e n a tu ra l en viron m ent. F o r some,
in terru p tio n s occasioned by th e ir psychedelic d rug experiences involved
adverse and in v o lu n ta ry sequellae, and th e ir n a rra tiv e s described th e ir
subsequent processes o f recovery and reconstruction.
vi
Decades la te r, respondents w ho described changing th e ir life
traje cto rie s also ch aracterized them selves as m ore personally fu lfille d and
m ore socially responsible, b u t less m a te ria lly successful, th a n th ey
im ag in ed th a t th e y w ould have been had th ey continued in th e ir previous
life courses. M a n y respondents stated th a t th e ir psychedelic experiences
are ra re ly discussed in th e ir contem porary lives. F e a r o f social and legal
consequences seemed to be less in flu e n tia l in lim itin g th e exten t o f
disclosure th a n did a sense th a t h isto ric psychedelic experiences w ere not
s a lie n t in p a rtic ip a n ts ' cu rren t lives, o r a desire to preserve a precious
m em ory from v u lg a r m isunderstanding.
T h e study suggests th a t p o ten tia l b enefits o f psychedelic drug use
re q u ire fu rth e r explo ration , and th a t n a tu ra lis tic studies o f attitu d es and
practices o f m oderate users, specific social w orlds, and structured
environm ents fo r use m ay disclose acceptably safe applications fo r th e use
o f psychedelics in th e ra p y and s p iritu a l practice.
v ii
T ab le o f Contents
D e d ic a tio n ....................................................................................................................... j i i
P re fa c e ............................................................................................................................. iv
A b s tra c t.......................................................................................................................... vi
T able o f C o n ten ts.........................................................................................................v iii
C h ap ter 1: S tatem en t o f th e P roblem .................................................................. 1
Synopsis o f th e S tu d y .....................................................................................2
G en eral Background o f the P ro b le m ......................................................... 4
The h isto ric discourse........................................................................ 6
S ensationalization o f psychedelic drug effects.......................... 7
Psychedelic fo lk lo re .............................................................................10
The issue o f genetic d am age............................................................ 11
The "psychedelic syndrom e"............................................................ 13
The Specific P roblem S tu d ie d ..................................................................... 15
D efin itio n s o f K ey Term s and Concepts....................................................16
Substances considered in th is stu d y.............................................17
Theo retical understanding o f th e psychedelics.........................17
O verview o f M ethodology..............................................................................19
The co n stru ctivist p a ra d ig m ........................................................... 19
O n to lo g y................................................................................................. 19
E pistem olo gy......................................................................................... 20
G e n e ra liza b ility and c a u s a lity........................................................ 22
The role o f v a lu e s .................................................................................2 4
Significance o f th e P ro blem .......................................................................... 31
v iii
Perspectives on change...................................................................... 31
D escribing pattern s o f u s e ................................................................ 36
U sers’ sto ries.......................................................................................... 38
C hapter 2: R eview o f th e L ite ra tu re ...................................................................... 41
O rg a n iz a tio n ...................................................................................................... 41
Perspectives on Psychedelic D ru g U se...................................................... 42
C onstructing th e LS D experience................................................... 42
Reports o f adverse psychedelic reactio n s.................................... 44
E xp lo ratio n o f controlled drug use.................................................. 47
S tru ctu red use.......................................................................................51
Psychedelic social w o rld s.................................................................. 54
The college drug scene........................................................................57
L ite ra tu re Specific to the T o p ic................................................................... 58
A "R ation al V ie w ".................................................................................58
T h eo retical understandings...............................................................60
"On th e use and abuse o f L S D "........................................................ 63
Experiences o f m ystical states......................................................... 64
P sych iatric in te rp re ta tio n s ............................................................... 66
In te rp re ta tio n s from other c u ltu ra l fram es................................. 64
Research on psycho-social effects.................................................... 69
Long-range e ffe c ts................................................................................73
L ite ra tu re on R elated Topics.........................................................................77
D ropping o u t.......................................................................................... 77
Research on long range som atic effec ts........................................81
"A ch em istry fo r w orld peace."........................................................ 84
P o te n tia l benefits o f psychedelic drug u se................................... 85
ix
S u m m a ry ............................................................................................................ 86
C h a p te r 3: M e th o d s ................................................................................................... 88
G en eral D escription o f th e Research D e s ig n .......................................... 88
E x p la n a to ry n a rra tiv e rese arch .....................................................89
D es crip tiv e n a rra tiv e rese arch .......................................................90
A n alysis o f n a rra tiv e stru ctu re s.....................................................91
N a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n ................................................................... 92
N a rra tiv e form s.....................................................................................93
T h e construction o f n a rra tiv e ...........................................................94
S a m p lin g ..............................................................................................................96
S itu a tin g m y s e lf....................................................................................96
Outcom es and influences o f psychedelic d rug use.................... 98
In s id e r rese arch ....................................................................................99
M em b ership ro le s ...............:..................................................................100
E n tre e ....................................................................................................... 104
S tig m a tize d re s e a rc h ......................................................................... I l l
P erspectival s h ifts ................................................................................112
Th e sam p le.............................................................................................. 114
Psychedelic clusters as represented in th e sam ple.................. 115
Psychedelic d rug use o f p a rtic ip a n ts ............................................ 117
T h e sam pling process......................................................................... 118
P urposive sam p lin g ..............................................................................120
P ro ced u res...........................................................................................................124
P rotection o f p a rtic ip a n ts .................................................................. 124
In te rv ie w developm ent........................................................................125
D escriptio n o f th e in te rv ie w .............................................................. 129
T h e p ilo t stu d y....................................................................................... 131
D a ta C o llectio n ..................................................................................................... 132
Procedures fo llo w e d ................................................................................132
Taping and note ta k in g ........................................................................ 134
T ra n s c rip tio n ........................................................................................... 136
D a ta A n a ly s is ....................................................................................................... 137
Processing th e d a ta ................................................................................137
S u m m a ry ............................................................................................................... 141
C h a p te r 4: N a rra tiv e A ccounts.................................................................................135
The S tories............................................................................................................. 143
E leven Personal H is to rie s ................................................................................144
"The bell to lls fo r th e e ." ........................................................................ 144
"W ith th e fire and th e S p irit." ............................................................152
"True N a tu re ." ......................................................................................... 162
'"How can th e y tr y to end th is ,beauty?"1........................................171
"In te rn a l m e n ta l m a p p in g "................................................................. 173
"A w orld in w h ich th e re is Presence."............................................ 181
"W ait a m inute! T h is is m y life !" ....................................................... 189
"A sense o f doing good in th e w o rld ."...............................................200
"A re a l capacity to lo v e .".....................................................................205
"The beginning o f tra n s fo rm a tio n "................................................... 213
"The s p iritu a l connection."..................................................................221
The N a rra tiv e V o ic e .......................................................................................... 231
C h a p te r 5: Them es and U n d erstan d in g s...............................................................233
Aspects o f In ten se P ersonal E xperiences................................................... 233
The core them e: In ter-co nn ectedn ess..............................................23 5
" It w as s e lf-e v id e n t.".................................................................236
A c e n tra l p e rc e p tio n .................................................................237
xi
"One o f the d efin in g experiences"........................................22 7
D ru g , set and s e ttin g .............................................................. 24 1
E m p lo tm en t, In te rru p tio n and R es tru ctu rin g .........................................2 4 3
C u ltu ra l stories...................................................................................... 24 3
T h e n a rra tiv e form s.............................................................................24 5
Th e n a rra tiv e sequence......................................................................24 6
"Options to change"................................................................. 24 7
A nalysis o f th e N a rra tiv e s ............................................................................. 25 0
F iv e C a s u a ltie s ...................................................................................... 25 1
F rea ko u t, frag m en tatio n and fe a r ......................................25 1
F a tig u e ......................................................................................... 25 1
"Cold, Ice, D ea th , D ead, G raveyard !"................... 25 1
F r a c tu r e ...................................................................................... 2 5 4
" I have re a lly gone over th e edge here!"............... 25 5
D isru p tio n , disconnection and developm ent.................... 2 4 6
T h irte e n "drop outs"............................................................................. 26 0
"'Are you on drugs?"'............................................................... 260
"The oneness o f life " ................................................................. 26 2
E ngagem ent and activism ..................................................... 262
" I could do som ething about it ." .............................. 26 3
D oubt and d is tre s s .................................................................. 26 4
"Developing m y h u m a n ity ."......................................265
"A conflict o f arch etypes.".........................................26 7
D iv e rg e n t p lo t sequences................................................................... 26 7
T u rn on, Tune in to m o rrow ................................................... 26 8
A life lived for keeps.................................................................26 9
S u b sid iary them es................................................................................ 280
x ii
D isclosure.................................................................................... 271
Psychedelic "schools” and s k ills for trip p in g ................... 27 9
The League and T h e P ra n k s te rs ............................ 280
The F a rm ........................................................................ 281
The N a tiv e A m erican C h u rc h ................................. 283
In te n tio n a l fa m ilies and trib e s ................................ 28 6
Therapy and s e lf exp lo ratio n ....................................28 6
In ten tio n and a tte n tio n ...............................................287
S u m m a ry ............................................................................................................. 28 9
C h ap ter 6: Trustw orthiness and Q u a lity o f th e S tu d y................................... 2 9 0
T ru s tw o rth in e ss.................................................................................................29 0
C rite ria fo r trustw orth iness...............................................................291
A u d ita b ility .............................................................................................29 2
C re d ib ility ................................................................................................29 8
T ra n s fe ra b ility ...................................................................................... 283
N e u tra lity .................................................................................................30 0
Q u a lity .................................................................................................................. 302
R elevan ce.................................................................................................30 2
Appropriateness o f the m ethodological ap proach..................... 303
E ngagem ent.............................................................................................303
C o n te x tu a lity .......................................................................................... 305
P re s e n ta tio n ........................................................................................... 3 0 6
E thics.........................................................................................................30 8
Assessment o f th e S tu d y ................................................................................ 31 0
C h ap ter 7: D iscussion.................................................................................................311
In tro d u c tio n .........................................................................................................31 1
O rgan ization o f the dissertatio n ....................................................... 31 2
C onclusions.............................................................................................. 31 3
L ife in the fo o th ills .................................................................................31 6
E m p lo tm en t, in te rru p tio n , and re s tru c tu rin g .............................3 1 9
D ro pp ing o u t............................................................................................ 3 2 0
Im p lic a tio n s .......................................................................................................... 3 2 1
T h eo retical im p lic atio n s ...................................................................... 32 1
N ih ila tio n ...................................................................................... 321
Th eo retical understanding o f n ih ila tio n ............................32 2
Im p lic atio n s fo r professional practice............................................ 3 2 4
T h e ra p e u tic practice................................................................ 3 2 4
S p iritu a l p ractice...................................................................... 3 2 6
E d u c a tio n a l practice.................................................................32 8
Im p lic atio n s fo r fu tu re research.......................................................3 2 8
Social im p lic a tio n s .................................................................................33 2
Fo otn otes............................................................................................................................33 5
R eferences..........................................................................................................................3 3 6
A ppendix 1: A pproved P ro tocol.................................................................................3 7 4
A ppendix 2: In fo rm a tio n S h e e t..................................................................................3 7 8
A ppendix 3: In te rv ie w ...................................................................................................3 8 1
A ppendix 4: P ersonal Is s u e s ......................................................................................3 8 6
V alues o f th e In q u ire r ....................................................................................... 3 8 6
Placebo com m union...............................................................................3 8 8
M illb ro o k ...................................................................................................3 8 9
T h e Secret T r ib e ....................................................................................3 9 0
E s a le n .........................................................................................................3 9 1
M id w ife ry ..................................................................................................3 9 3
P ractice fo r P ra x is ................................................................................3 9 4
xiv
Psychedelic m id w ifery 398
xv
W e have not even to ris k the adventure alone; fo r th e heroes o f a ll tim e
have gone before us; th e la b y rin th is thoroughly know n; we have only to
follow th e th re ad o f th e hero-path. A nd w here we had thought to find an
abom ination, we s h all fin d a god; w here w e had th oug ht to slay another, we
shall slay ourselves; w here w e had th oug ht to tra v e l outw ard, we shall
come to th e center o f our own existence; w here w e h ad thought to be alone,
we shall be w ith a ll th e w orld.
Joseph Cam pbell

The H ero w ith a Thousand Faces
One clim bs, one sees. One descends, one sees no longer, b u t one has seen.
There is a w ay o f liv in g one's life in the foothills in th e m em ory o f w h at one
has seen from th e sum m it.
Rene D aum al
M o unt Analogue
C hapter 1: S tatem en t o f th e Problem
I t was m y destin y to jo in in a g rea t experience. O u r goal was not only

the East, or ra th e r th e E ast was not only a co un try and som ething
geographical, b u t i t was th e home and youth o f th e soul, i t was
everywhere and now here, it was th e union o f a ll tim es.
H e rm a n Hesse
Th e Journey to th e E ast
Introduction
In A p ril o f 1988, several hundred people gathered a t a p riv a te club
in San Francisco for th e m em orial service o f “Jacob.” I t w as a very
o rdinary crowd, perhaps a little m ore prosperous looking th a n average,
b u t basically undistinguished in appearance. Some o f th e m ourners knew
one another w e ll, m any had never seen each oth er before; b u t we knew we
had som ething im p o rta n t in common. Th e firs t speaker w as th e w ell-know n
w rite r Terence M cK enn a, who surveyed th e crowd ap p re c ia tiv e ly for a few
q u iet moments and said ve ry slow ly, "Jacob was th e C h ie f o f a Secret
Tribe." Alm ost everyone th ere knew exactly w h a t he m ean t. H e referred to
our m utu al m em bership in w h a t we called The F a m ily : Jacob’s students,
patients, friends and clients who, fo r m ore th an tw e n ty years since his
A rm y retirem en t, had gathered around h im from tim e to tim e in groups of
ten or tw elve to "open th e God box" through th e sacram ental use of
psychedelic drugs. F o r m ost o f the group, th e use o f psychedelics was a
profound occasion fo r s e lf aw areness, and an o p p o rtu n ity fo r change. V e ry
few social, leg al or personal problem s could be traced by an y o f us to our
h isto ry of drug use. F u rth e rm o re , although our association w ith Jacob was
unique in our cu ltu re, o u r use o f psychedelics was not.
D espite th e passage o f a series o f in creasingly com prehensive and
p u n itiv e laws ag ain st th e use, possession or d is trib u tio n o f psychedelic
drugs, experim en tatio n w ith psychedelics has not ceased in th e th irty
years since L S D firs t cam e u n d e r governm ent p ro h ib itio n in th e U n ited
S tates. P sychiatrists p revio u sly using psychedelics in p riv a te practice
have been unable to continue to do so, and in s titu tio n a l research on h um an
subjects has come to a s ta n d s till, b u t th e non-m edical use o f psychedelic
drugs has continued.
W ith the recent cautious resum ption o f leg al research involving the
ad m in istratio n o f psychedelics to h u m an subjects, and th e accession o f
m any historic users to positions o f resp onsibility and lead ersh ip in th e ir
com m unities, some a tte m p t to reassess the p o te n tia l usefulness of
psychedelic drugs seems w a rra n te d . Th e co ntinuing w illin g n ess o f users to
accept personal and leg al risks , and o f researchers to expose them selves to
professional s tig m a tiza tio n fo r th e sake o f these substances, suggests th a t
m any people have found som ething unique and valu ab le in th e ir
psychedelic experiences.
Synopsis of the S tud y
T h is d issertatio n explores th e n a tu ra l h is to ry o f psychedelic drug
use and the stories to ld about th e ir own d rug use by m iddle-aged adults.
R a th e r th an exam in in g descriptions o f h isto ric d ru g experiences, it seeks
th e understandings th a t h isto ric d ru g users have developed about w h at
these experiences ta u g h t th em , an d th e ir perceptions o f w ays in which
th e ir psychedelic experiences m ay have influenced th e ir subsequent lives.
The study is organized in to seven chapters. T h is ch ap ter introduces
th e topic o f psychedelic d ru g use, and presents a b rie f synopsis o f some o f
th e social com m entary and m edia coverage th a t form ed th e social m atrices
for psychedelic d ru g use in th e e ra when m ost o f the study p articip ants
firs t encountered th em . I t outlines some histo ric and contem porary
perspectives on th e significance o f psychedelic d ru g use and presents the
m ethodologic paradig m from w h ich I approached th is topic. C h ap ter Tw o
review s a selection o f im p o rta n t and representative lite ra tu re from the
num erous scholarly articles re la te d to research using psychedelic drugs;
th e social construction o f psychedelic experiences; and m edical, psychiatric
and sociological in te rp re ta tio n s o f these experiences. I t describes some o f
th e contexts o f use and social w orlds of psychedelic d rug users, and
concludes w ith an overview o f p o ten tial long range benefits and d etrim ents
o f psychedelic d ru g use.
The th ird ch ap ter explores th e general topic o f n a rra tiv e research
and th e specific m ethod used in th is study, n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n . In i t I
describe th e procedures used in sam pling, d a ta collection and analysis,
and in te rv ie w developm ent. T h is chapter also exam ines m em bership roles
in the conduct o f co nstru ctivist research, and situates m e as a complete
m em ber o f th e studied group o f historic psychedelic d rug users. C h ap ter
F o u r contains extensive extracts from in terview s w ith eleven o f th is
study's tw e n ty tw o p a rticip an ts, along w ith m y com m entary and analysis
o f each as an in d iv id u a l n a rra tiv e . In C hap ter F ive th e tw en ty tw o
in terview s a re analyzed from a d ifferen t perspective, considering them as
a group to discover recu rrin g them es and com pare p attern s described by
d iffe re n t respondents in n a rra tin g th e ir life histories.
C h a p te r S ix addresses issues o f trustw orth iness and q u a lity as
c rite ria for assessm ent o f a study conducted in a co nstructivist paradigm .
T h e fin a l ch ap ter sum m arizes m y conclusions and understandings derived
from th e d a ta and suggests th e ir th eoretical im plications and th e ir
im plications fo r th erapy, s p iritu a l practice and education. The social
im plications o f th is study and suggestions reg ard in g fu rth e r research are
also discussed. Appendices include the study protocol, th e docum ent used
to obtain verb al consent to p articip ate, and th e in te rv ie w schedule in its
fin a l form . A n ad d itio n al appendix outlines m y personal history in relation
to psychedelic drugs, and describes m y values as an in q u ire r in th is area.
Genera] Background o f th e Problem
In a recent review o f the status o f psychedelic d ru g research, Grob
and H arm a n noted th a t " it is very rare in th e histo ry o f science th a t a
governm ent has e x p lic itly and vigorously pro h ib ited scientific research in
any p a rtic u la r area” (G rob & H a rm a n , 1995, p. 6). Research about
psychedelic drugs has been one o f these ra re exceptions. The effect o f the
proscription o f research has been to keep psychedelics out of the hands of
scientists, th erapists and s p iritu a l teachers, w h ile fa ilin g to prevent the
developm ent o f a black m arket from w hich th ey are availab le for
unsupervised self- experim entation. The use o f psychedelic drugs has been
conflated in th e public m ind w ith the use o f o ther kinds o f ille g al drugs w ith
vastly d ifferin g effects. The m any A m erican ad ults who have themselves
had direct experience w ith psychedelic drugs have been larg ely silent. For
some these experiences have become a source o f em barrassm ent and,
p o ten tially, o f scandal.
A ll o f th e psychedelic drugs are le g a lly classified by the D ru g
Enforcem ent A d m in istratio n as C ontrolled Substances in Schedule I: "No
known m edical or therapeutic use, high p o te n tia l fo r abuse." T h e ir use is
com pletely prohibited other th an in hig h ly restricted research settings,
and penalties for possession and tra n s fe r are severe. D espite th is
classification, th e D ru g E n fo rcem en t A d m in istratio n has es tim ated th a t
m illio n s o f Am ericans have trie d w h a t is probably th e best know n
psychedelic, LS D . Seven p o in t e ig h t percent o f respondents to th e N a tio n a l
Household Survey on D ru g Abuse had used L S D a t some tim e in th e ir
lives in 1997, including 5.9% o f respondents aged 35 or older (N a tio n a l
In s titu te o f Justice, 1997; Substance Abuse and M e n ta l H e a lth Services
A d m in is tra tio n , 1998). In a 1985 study, use o f psilocybin m ushroom s
g re a tly exceeded th a t o f L S D (Thom pson, A n g lin , Em bonden & Fisch er,
1985). No attem p t has been m ade to estim ate how m any people in th is
co un try have used th e m an y o th e r compounds, n a tu ra lly occurring and
synthetic, illic it and leg al, w h ich m ay be considered psychedelic drugs
(B eck & P resti, 1994).
A large body o f su rvey research has been conducted in an e ffo rt to
establish the dem ographics o f d ru g use a t p a rtic u la r points in tim e ,
in clu d in g surveys conducted a t colleges and professional schools w hen
persons who are now m iddle-aged adults were students in th e ir la te teens
and e a rly tw enties. In n in eteen six ty seven, the year th a t I en tered V assar
C ollege as a freshm an stu d en t, a rem arkab ly rap id rise in th e
unsupervised use o f LS D an d o th e r psychedelics was underw ay. W h ile in
1967, 1% o f the college and g rad u ate student population o f th e U n ite d
S tates was estim ated to h ave ta k e n L S D , th e G allu p and A m erican P ublic
O pinion polls estim ated th a t th is fractio n had risen to 4% by 1969, and to
16-18% by 1971 (G a llu p , 1972; Goode, 1972; M c G lo th lin , 1974). A n
analysis prepared for the D e p a rtm e n t o f Justice in 1974 estim ated th a t by
1971, about 5 m illio n people, a ll o f w hom are now aged 40 o r older, had
used one or m ore psychedelic drugs (M cG lo th lin , 1974). In 1997 th e
N a tio n a l Household S urvey on D ru g Abuse estim ated th a t 6 .9 m illio n
A m ericans ages 35 and older had used L S D a t some tim e in th e ir lives,
100,000 o f these w ith in th e previous y e a r. E stim ates o f th e to ta l
prevalence o f "hallucinogen use" w ere h ig h e r, (7 .4 m illio n > 35 years old,
w ith 500,000 using in th e previous y e a r) as the category "hallucinogens"
included P C P , along w ith L S D and o th er psychedelics (H ousehold S u rvey
on D ru g Abuse, 1998). These d a ta suggest th a t th ere are now larg e
num bers o f m iddle-aged persons, m any o f w hom have been p rep ared by
th e ir education to fill leadership roles in th e ir com m un ities, w ho have a
h isto ry o f psychedelic d ru g use.
The h isto ric discourse
The question o f th e long-range effect o f th e use o f psychedelic drugs
on th e lives and futures o f adolescent and young a d u lt users w as debated
w ith g reat passion d u rin g th e 1960's an d 70's in scores o f artic les in th e
po pu lar press; in jo u rn als o f social com m entary; in the scholarly lite ra tu re
o f education, m edicine, sociology an d psychiatry; and in fam ilies
throughout th e country. Jam es L . G oddard, com m issioner o f th e F D A ,
w ro te an im passioned o fficial le tte r on th e topic to m ore th a n 2000 college
deans o f students, science d e p a rtm e n t heads and other facu lty in w hich he
claim ed th a t both "students an d m em bers o f th e fa cu lty [were] being
secretly approached to engage in hallucinogenic ‘experiences’" (L S D : T h e
search fo r d e fin ite conclusions, 1966, p. 36 ). W h ile some found th a t th is
approach was overly d ra m a tic , others p raised G oddard fo r recognizing th e
g ra v ity o f the situ atio n and w o rk in g to com bat an insidious and dangerous
a c tiv ity (Young & H ixson, 1966). F o u rtee n hundred fifty college deans
atten ded a specially convened 1966 n a tio n a l conference on psychedelic
dangers (B unce, 1979) and John U . M u n ro , D ean o f H a rv a rd C ollege,
declared th a t anyone who did not have b e tte r sense th a n to dabble in th e
use o f psychedelic drugs should leave college to m ake room fo r m ore
serious and m o tivated students (C h aye t, 1969).
S everal congressional select com m itte e s held hearings on various
aspects o f th e em erging "L S D problem ” (S pecial Subcom m ittee pu rsuan t to
L S D and M a riju a n a on College Cam puses, 1966; Subcom m ittee on
E xecutive R eo rg an izatio n , 1966). G u b e rn a to ria l candidate R onald Reagan
and then-govem or J e rry B row n vied in C a lifo rn ia fo r the toughest a n ti-
L S D position, and th e state leg isla tu re was castigated by th e popular
press w hen it acted on expert testim on y recom m ending against
c rim in a liz in g L S D possession (M c G lo th lin , 1966). P resident Lyndon
Johnson attacked L S D in his 1968 S ta te o f th e U n io n message. In an era o f
ra c ia l tension, u rb an rio ts, and grow ing divisiveness about the w a r in
S outheast A sia, th e ch air o f th e N ew Jersey D ru g S tudy Com m ission sued
to p rev en t p o p u lar m agazines from pu b lish in g articles about L S D use,
claim in g th a t psychedelic drugs w ere th e greatest problem th en afflictin g
A m erica (M c G lo th lin , 1966; Bunce, 1979).
T w en ty one expert witnesses in th e U n ite d S tates Senate, including
every m edical doctor and every L S D researcher who te stified , discouraged
m akin g sim ple possession o f L S D a crim e, as i t was expected to have a
dam aging and counter-productive effect on th e otherw ise unrem arkable
lives o f th e num erous young adults w ho w ere d raw n to experim ent w ith
psychedelics (S ubcom m ittee on E xecu tive R eorganization, 1966;
Subcom m ittee on P ub lic H e a lth and W e lfa re , 1968). R epresentative
George Bush o f Texas was th e firs t m em ber o f Congress to go on record
w ith th e Subcom m ittee in favor o f m akin g possession ille g a l and penalties
s tiffe r, and his position prevailed, supported by the testim ony o f sheriffs,
chiefs o f police, and persons id e n tifie d as "concerned w ith prom oting
ju v e n ile decency” (Subcom m ittee on Public H e a lth and W e lfa re , 1968, p.
2100). P opular federal and state law s were enacted ag ain st possession for
personal use, as w ell as fo r m anufacture or sale.
S ensationalization o f psychedelic drug effects
Forbidden fru it, how ever, tends to be picked w ith o u t oversight.
A lthough research into th e th erap eu tic and h e u ristic possibilities o f these
substances in the system atic study o f brain and m ind function was
effectively dism antled by th e effect o f the new law s and regu lations, large
num bers of adolescents and young adults perp etu ated th e exploration of
the n atu re and outcomes o f th e psychedelic experience in unsupervised self
experim entation (M cG lo th lin , 1974; N a tio n a l C learinghouse fo r D ru g
Abuse In fo rm atio n , 1970). Adverse psychedelic reactions resu lted in
“psychiatric em ergencies” am ong th e ea rly self-experim enters a t rates fa r
in excess of those observed in supervised research subjects or th erap eu tic
populations (Robbins, Robbins, Frosch & S tern , 1967; U n g e rle id e r, Fish er
& F u lle r, 1966). Reports o f suicides and homicides “un der th e influence o f
psychedelic drugs” also m u ltip lie d d u rin g th is tim e period (S taffo rd , 1992).
D u rin g w h at the N ew Y o rk Tim es called an “L S D spree,” Stephen
K essler was accused o f stabbing th e m other o f his estranged w ife on A p ril
11, 1967 (A slaying suspect te lls o f LS D spree, 1967). A t th e tim e o f his
arrest, Kessler was reported to have dazedly in q u ired about w h a t he
m igh t have done, and claim ed am nesia a fte r “fly in g fo r th ree days on L S D ”
(M u rd e r by LSD?, 1967). H is a rre s t prom pted an em ergency m eeting of
N ew Y o rk law enforcem ent officials, prosecutors, and representatives o f the
F D A , who recommended new leg islatio n to m ake sale or d is trib u tio n o f
LS D a felony in N ew Y o rk (L S D p a rle y called here to stem increase in use,
1967). Sensational news o f th e “firs t known L S D m u rd erer” fin a lly
convinced Sandoz P harm aceu ticals, alread y relu c tan t to continue to
sponsor investigations o f its psychedelic chem icals in th e face o f increasing
leg al reg u latio n , to stop d is trib u tio n o f L S D and psilocybin and recall a ll
supplies th a t the com pany had provided to researchers (M u rd e r by LSD?,
1967). I t also provided a h o rrify in g story about the p o ten tia l o f psychedelic
drugs to cause h a rm , w h ich was w id e ly cited fo r years a fte rw a rd .
K essler, a H a rv a rd g rad u ate and D ow nstate M ed ical C en ter
m edical student, had been an u n d erg rad u ate d u ring th e "H a rv a rd D ru g
Scandal" over R ich ard A lp e rt and T im o th y Leary's experim ents w ith
psychedelics. A lth oug h i t was never suggested th a t K essler had been
involved in th e ir experim en ts w ith psilocybin, the storm o f controversy
about psychedelics is u n lik e ly to have com pletely escaped his notice. A t
K essler’s tr ia l in O ctober 1967, he claim ed to have ta ken doses o f 10-50p o f
L S D on a to ta l o f five occasions betw een th e sum m er o f 1964 and M arch
1966, th e m onth preceding th e m u rd e r (M u rd e r suspect te lls o f L S D use,
1967). O n th e tw o days before th e m u rd er, K essler had ta k e n one and one
h a lf grain s o f p e n to b a rb ital and “d ru n k th re e quarts o f lab o rato ry alcohol,
cut w ith w a te r” (N ew Y o rk Post, 10/18/67; cited in S taffo rd , 1992 p. 62;
B rom berg, 1970). K essler m ade no m ention o f having ta k e n L S D in the
m onth before the m u rd er, b u t a p sych iatrist who had exam ined him sifter
his a rre s t claim ed th a t K essler could have ta k e n doses o f L S D th a t he was
unable to reca ll (J u ry to ld K essler took an L S D cube before th e slaying,
1967).
Defense claim s o f in s a n ity due to L S D ingestion w ere mooted on th e
basis o f Kessler's h is to ry o f chronic paranoid schizophrenia, fo r w hich he
had previously been h o sp italized tw ice a t B ellevue. The ju r y did not
consider his use o f L S D w hen he w as found not g u ilty by reason o f in s a n ity
(J u ry acquits K essler in LS D m urder, 1967). Because o f its no toriety, th e
K essler case has been analyzed by leg al and m edical scholars in
subsequent discussions o f the status o f th e "LSD defense" (B a rte r & R eite,
1969). Forensic psychiatrists have suggested th a t th e capacity to p lan and
execute com plex crim es is sig n ifican tly im p a ire d under the influence o f
psychedelics, and have refu ted claim s o f LS D -induced am nesia fo r events
o f a v io le n t and d ram atic n a tu re (B rom berg, 1970), suggesting instead
th a t defendants and tr ia l attorneys m ig h t m ake such claim s solely as a
courtroom ta ctic (U n g erleid er, 1970).
Psychedelic fo lklo re
The p o te n tia l o f the psychedelics to cause d irect physical h a rm was
exaggerated and in some instances fa b ricated , in th e hope th a t fe a r o f
u n p red ictab le physical consequences w ould lim it th e ir attractiveness.
N o rm a n M . Yoder, comm issioner o f th e O ffice o f th e B lin d for the S tate o f
P en n sylvan ia, in ven ted the story th a t six college students had burned
th e ir re tin a s so b ad ly by starin g a t th e sun fo r hours du rin g an L S D trip
th a t a ll six becam e to ta lly b lin d . H e resigned his post in disgrace w hen an
o fficial review o f th e students’ records revealed th a t, although th e students
w ere b lin d , L S D had nothing to do w ith th e ir d is a b ility (A nother L S D
h a llu c in a tio n , 1968).
N o t only hum ans w ere thought to be a t ris k from adverse
psychedelic effects. In a famous exp erim en t th e d etails o f w hich are s till
being debated, Tusko, a m ale In d ia n elep h an t belonging to the Lincoln
P a rk Zoo in O klaho m a, “died from an overdose o f L S D ,” providing another
sensational news fe a tu re w ith m ore th a n one possible in te rp re ta tio n .
D u rin g an a tte m p t to study m usth, a fo rm o f cyclic elep h an t m adness, a
group o f researchers headed by Jo lly (Louis Jolyon) W est, M D , fo rm er
10
director o f the U C L A N eu ro psychiatric In s titu te , shot Tusko w ith a
hypoderm ic d a rt co ntainin g a ve ry large dose o f LS D (W est, Pierce &
Thom as, 1962).
The experim enters speculated in th e ir rep o rt th a t th e dose given
m ay have been orders o f m agn itu de too high (0.1 m g/kg vs. the 0.2 pg/kg
th a t is an average dose fo r hum ans). In any event, Tusko w en t in to status
epilepticus w ith in 5 m inutes o f th e LS D injection, so W est injected him w ith
a s im ila rly calculated dose o f prom azine hydrochloride, a m ajor
tra n q u ilize r. Th e elep h an t died o f laryngeal spasm a fte r a prolonged tonic
seizure. W est’s rep o rt o f th e in cid en t speculated th a t elephants m igh t be
uniquely sensitive to L S D , and suggested the possibility o f its use for
an im al control w o rk in A fric a . D ebate about w h eth er L S D was the cause of
Tusko's death continues alm ost 40 years la te r, despite th e replication of
the experim ent on tw o elephants who survived s im ila r doses by Ronald
Siegel (1984), a researcher studying an im al states o f aw areness. The
legend o f Jo lly th e E le p h a n t K ille r is ap p aren tly too w e ll established as a
piece o f psychedelic fo lklo re to be com pletely supplanted by fu rth e r
research.
The issue o f genetic dam age
Fears th a t psychedelics m ig h t corrupt youth, induce psychosis,
harm elephants o r lead to unpredictable social consequences, w ere eclipsed
in M arch 1967 by reports o f dam age to h um an chromosomes caused by
LS D . M aim on Cohen, a geneticist from S U N Y , B uffalo, is reported to have
become interested in th e possible deleterious effects o f L S D d u rin g a short
v is it to the H a ig h t A shbury d is tric t o f San Francisco w h ile atten d in g a
m edical m eeting in 1966 (F o rt, 1970). In M arch 1967, Cohen and his
associates published th e ir firs t rep o rt o f the frequencies o f chromosome
11
breaks in cultures o f h um an p erip h eral leukocytes a fte r exposure to
various concentrations o f L S D fo r 4, 24, and 48 hours. A t le a s t a tw ofold
increase in chromosomal abnorm alities w as detected in a ll b u t the lowest
concentration a t th e shortest exposure. In ad d itio n , th e researchers noted
a m ore th a n threefold excess in th e num ber o f dam aged chromosomes over
n o rm al in a schizophrenic p a tie n t who had received 15 tre a tm e n ts w ith
L S D (Cohen, M a rin e llo & Back, 1967).
A t the tim e th a t th e ir w o rk was firs t published, Cohen gave several
in terview s describing his team ’s w o rk in w h ich he claim ed th a t “our
ra tio n a le was to show th a t LS D isn’t as innocuous as people believe”
(in terview s in M edical W orld News and th e N ew Y o rk Tim es, cited in
P rince, 1967, p. 39). Despite th is display o f bias, few questioned th e
o b jectivity o f his observations.
D a n ie l X . Freedm an, ch air o f the U n iv e rs ity o f Chicago D ep artm e n t
o f P sychiatry, was one o f those who advocated caution in th e discussion. A t
a N a tio n a l In s titu te s o f M e n ta l H e a lth conference on adverse reactions to
psychedelics, he described his own “skepticism about th e basic science and
lab o rato ry indications th a t th ere are som atic dangers to L S D .” H e
a d m itted , however, “a deep w ish th a t th ere w ould be a d ire som atic
consequence o f the drug, because th en we w ouldn’t have to spend a ll our
tim e m eeting about it, ta lk in g to parents, teachers, clubs, and churches.
M y social life has changed a good deal due to th e accident th a t I happened
to study LS D ten years ago” (Freedm an, 1967, pp. 3-4). Th e published
conference sum m ary in terp reted these rem arks o f F reedm an’s as a w ish
th a t th e chromosome damage reports w ere tru e , as it m ig h t “stem the
increase in illic it hallucinogenic d rug use” (M e y e r, 1967, p. 55 ).
12
Cohen’s fin din gs o f in vitro chromosome dam age w ere qu ickly
extrap o lated to a p o te n tia l fo r teratogenic effects in vivo. The teratogenic
p o ten tia l o f drugs used d u rin g pregnancy h a d been fu lly appreciated for
th e firs t tim e w ith th e occurrence in e a rly 1960’s o f 12,000 cases o f
phocom elia, a ra re congenital defect in v o lv in g reduction o f th e proxim al
portion o f th e e x tre m itie s , a fte r p reg n an t w om en had ingested th e sedative
th alid o m id e. T h e p o ssib ility th a t L S D could have teratogenic effects was
q u ickly and w id e ly repo rted in th e p o pu lar press. M c C a ll’s advertised an
a rtic le on chromosome dam age w ith a p ic tu re o f a dism em bered baby. Th e
rep o rt, “L S D : D a n g e r to U nb orn B abies” a c tu a lly cast doubt on the
v a lid ity o f Cohen’s fin din gs, b u t advised ag ain st the casual use o f any
m edications d u rin g pregnancy (B recher, 19 67). A S atu rd ay E ven ing Post
fe a tu re story, “T h e H id d e n E vils o f L S D ,” claim ed th a t new research had
found th a t L S D was “causing genetic dam age th a t poses a th re a t o f havoc
now and a p p a llin g ab no rm alities fo r generation s yet unborn” (p. 19), and
th a t “i f you ta k e L S D even once yo ur c h ild re n m ay be born m alform ed or
reta rd ed ” (D avidson, 1967). I t is possible th a t th e social u tility o f Cohen’s
chromosome studies contributed to th e ir ra p id dissem ination. Jonathan
Cole told th e S a tu rd a y E ven in g Post th a t N IM H was so concerned about
these fin din gs th a t i t was encouraging new research on chromosome
dam age. M o re th a n 60 studies in th is a re a w ere com pleted in th e next five
years.
T h e "psychedelic syndrom e”
A “psychedelic syndrom e” (S m ith , 1 9 69) o f “dyssocial” (Cohen, 1966),
unproductive (C a rlin & Post, 1974), and a lie n a te d behavior (Subcom m ittee
on P ublic H e a lth and W elfa re , 1968) was believed to a fflic t those who had
become involved w ith th e psychedelic drugs. B ehaviors cited as evidence o f
13
this problem included rejection of Ju d eo -C h ristian roots fo r E astern
s p iritu a lity (Cole & K a tz , 1964); p o litic al “passivism * (Schachter, 1968);
adoption o f p atte rn s o f m agical and cosmic th in k in g (S m ith , 1969); sexual
license (F arn sw o rth & W eiss, 1969); and a preference for b izarre dress and
inadequate personal hygiene (B ingham , 1967). T h e fe a rfu l question on the
m inds o f spokespeople fo r the p aren tal generation was w hether these
d is a ffilia te d and deranged youngsters w ould ever be able to take up the
responsibilities o f adulthood and th e reins o f governm ent, business and
com m unity resp o n sib ility in the fu tu re (F arn sw o rth , 1968; Robitscher,
1969; Subcom m ittee on E xecutive R eo rg anizatio n, 1966; Subcom m ittee on
P ublic H e a lth and W e lfa re , 1968; W a tts , 1977; W itte n b o m , 1969).
U n u su a l beliefs and unpopular a ttitu d es have freq uen tly been
"scientifically" diagnosed as psychiatric illness, s p iritu a l m alaise, and
com m unity a fflic tio n based on personal and c u ltu ra l value judgm ents.
Persons whose beliefs did not conform to governm ental norms have been
incarcerated fo r c u ltu ra l re-education and alig n m en t w ith the ideals o f the
R evolution d u rin g th e S ta lin is t era in th e U S S R and d u rin g the past year
in C hin a. H eretics and w itches have been sought using the science o f
id en tifyin g th e bedeviled detailed in the M alleu s M alleficarum (The
H am m er o f W itch es) (K ra m e r & Sprenger, 19 28/148 6), th e m edieval
handbook fo r In q u is ito rs. N a z i social theories targ ete d not only Rom a,
Jews and those o f o th er "in ferio r races," b u t th e ph ysically disabled,
hom osexuals, and adherents o f "eccentric" system s o f b e lie f and practice
such as Freem asons. A n e n tire m edico-m oral m ovem ent developed in the
eighteenth cen tu ry around m asturbation. Th e H einous Sin of S e lf Abuse
and o th er m edical te xts provided in fo rm atio n on th e signs, symptoms and
social ills re s u ltin g from th is practice, and vario us form s o f physical
14
re s tra in t th a t could be used to prevent it w ere w id ely available as m edical
appliances in th e U n ite d States u n til th e 1930's (Goodman, 2000;
G reydanus & G eller, 1980; H a re , 1962).
The social turbulence, psychiatric comm otion and m edical
controversy th a t surrounded the psychedelics in th e 1960's and 70's did
not encourage m uch reservation o f ju dgm en t on th e ir long-range effects.
Societies th a t had long histories o f system atic a lte ra tio n o f consciousness
for socially acceptable purposes w ere dism issed as p rim itiv e and p ath etic
(G rof, 1987; M cC lelland, 1961). The p o ten tial for genetic m utation o f the
fu tu re progeny o f psychedelic experim enters was seized upon as a v ita l
topic fo r fu rth e r research (M eyer, 1967), despite serious lim itatio n s o f
sensational e a rly studies (P rince, 1967). Decades o f research th a t
suggested possible th erap eu tic b en efit from th e psychedelics were
dismissed as m ethodologically inadequate, and support for fu rth e r studies
th a t could have addressed these inadequacies was not forthcom ing
(M an g in i, 1998). Even com m entators who did not e n tire ly condemn both
supervised and unsupervised exp erim en tatio n cautiously reserved
judgm ent regarding any claim s o f p o ten tial b en efit u n til the long-range
effects o f th e psychedelics on the m ind, the body and the social fabric w ere
b e tte r know n (M cG lo th lin , 1985).
The Specific Problem Studied
In the th irty years since use o f psychedelics moved from the
laboratory in to the streets, the num erous adolescent and young-adult self
experim enters who w ere th e object o f so m uch governm ental and p a re n ta l
concern have reached m iddle age. T h is study concerns th is group: histo ric
drug users, m ale and fem ale, aged 40 or older, who have used psychedelic
drugs on th ree or m ore occasions a t any tim e in th e past.
15
The study explores the n a tu ra l h is to ry o f psychedelic drug use and
the stories to ld ab ou t th e ir own drug use by m iddle-aged adults. R ath er
th a n exam in in g descriptions o f h isto ric d ru g experiences, it seeks the
understandings th a t historic drug users h ave developed about w h a t these
experiences ta u g h t th em . How do ad ults w ho have a histo ry o f psychedelic
drug use in te rp re t an d describe th e ir d ru g experiences in m iddle life?
W h a t has happened to psychedelic d rug users who w ere adolescents and
young adults in th e 1960's and 70's? W h a t reasons do th ey give for these
developm ents and by w h a t means did th ey occur? H ow do they look upon
th e ir drug use h is to ry in the social and p o litic a l environm ent o f today? Is
the influence o f th e ir historic d rug use noticeable in th e ir present lives? Do
th ey see them selves as d ifferen t from contem poraries who have not shared
these experiences? H a v e th e ir psychedelic experiences changed histo ric
users’ perception o f th e opportunities open to them ? D id th e ir psychedelic
experiences a lte r th e w ay th a t th ey see them selves, or th e ir sense o f self-
identity? W ere th e ir interactions w ith im p o rta n t m em bers o f th e ir social
netw orks in fluenced by th e ir psychedelic experiences? H ave th e ir public
id en tities been shaped by th e ir histo ric d ru g use? D id psychedelic drugs
influence th e w a y th a t th ey give m eaning to th e ir lives, or the developm ent
o f th e ir life plans? H o w do they now regard th e social clim ates or m atrices
in w hich th e ir psychedelic drug experiences occurred, and the ones in
w hich th ey are now interpreted? T h is study explores how historic users
understand and describe th e ir d ru g experiences in th e context o f th e ir
contem porary lives.
D efin itio n s o f K ev Term s and Concepts
The w ord psychedelic, derived from G re e k roots m eaning
m an ifestin g th e m in d , was firs t used by H u m p h ry Osmond in a le tte r to
16
Aldous H u x le y in 1956 (H u x le y , 1956/1969). W h a t is understood to
m anifest in th is view o f th e psychedelic experience is th e co ntent o f the
users' unconscious, w hich m ay be exteriorized by psychedelics depending
on th e circum stances and condition o f the user, often sum m ed up as the
essential elem ents o f set, se ttin g a n d m atrix (Aaronson & Osm ond, 1970;
E isn er, 1997). As understood by psychedelic researchers, se t is an
in d iv id u a l level phenom enon th a t has to do w ith th e respondent's
personality, personal h isto ry, life situ atio n a t the tim e o f the d in g
exposure, psychological m akeup, physical h e alth , previous experience w ith
unusual states o f consciousness, and his or h e r expectations an d /o r
m o tivatio n fo r ta k in g th e psychedelic drug. S e ttin g encompasses th e local
social factors and includes th e circum stances and en viro n m e n t in w hich
th e dru g experience occurs; th e people present and how th ey tr e a t th e
user; th e contributions o f m usic, flow ers, m irrors, photographs, and other
objects a t hand d u rin g th e psychedelic session; and w h a t th e ad m in is tra to r
o f the drug expects th e user’s reactio n to it to be (H o ffe r & Osm ond, 1967;
P ahnke, 1969). T h e th ird essen tial elem ent, m atrix, has som etim es been
subsum ed un der se ttin g by psychedelic researchers. I t includes th e broad
social settin g and h isto ric c u ltu ra l and p o litical circum stances in w hich the
use occurs, th e s itu a tio n in w h ich th e user is liv in g a t th e tim e o f th e
experience, and th e en viron m ent to w hich he or she re tu rn s a fte r the
experience (E is n e r, 1997; G ro f, 1975).
S u b sta n ces considered in th is study
Included in th e classificatio n psychedelic are d-lysergic acid d ieth yl
am ide (L S D ), psilocybin, m escaline, and a num ber o f lesser kn o w n drugs
(D M T , M D A , M D M A , D O M , D P T , 2-C B , ayahuasca, ibogaine, and others).
The group contains both syn th etic and n a tu ra lly - occurring substances,
17
w hich m ay be derived from p lan ts, fu ngi or anim als (M c G lo th lin , 1974;
Strassm an, 1995) L S D , D M T and psilocybin belong to th e indole alkalo id
d ru g group, w h ile M D A , M D M A , D O M , and m escaline are
ph enylethylam ines (S h u lg in & S hulgin, 1991).
The dissociative anesthetics, ketam ine and phencyclidine (P C P ), are
often classed w ith th e psychedelics fo r survey purposes; sometim es
cannabis products are also included. N e ith e r th e dissociative anesthetics
nor cannabis w ere th e subjects o f any specific in q u iry in th is study. In
re la tin g th e ir own perspectives and understandings about psychedelic
d ru g use, how ever, some respondents have offered in fo rm atio n and
personal insights re g a rd in g th e ir experiences w ith cannabis and w ith
ketam in e. These experiences have been considered in in te rp re tin g the
respondents' n a rra tiv e s .
Th eo retical u n d erstan d in g o f the psychedelics
W hile the te rm p sy ch ed e lic w ill be used in this study, th is class of
drugs has been v a rio u s ly labeled hallucinogens, psychotom im etics,
illusogens, entheogens (g en eratin g religious experience), p h an tasticants,
oneirogens (producing dream s), psychotogens, d e liria n ts , psychodysleptics
(d istu rb in g the m in d ), psycholytics (breaking up m en tal structures),
revelatiom im etics (seem ing to reveal som ething), phanerothym es (m aking
the soul visible), m ysticom im etics (im ita tin g an in itia tio n ), and
apocalyptogens (uncovering a reve lato ry and/or apocalyptic eschatological
experience) (G rinspoon & B a k a la r, 1983; R ut, 1999; S tra s s m a n , 1995;
W ern er, 1993). T h e v a rie ty o f term s available is an in d icatio n o f the
d iv e rs ity o f view points on these substances. Psychedelics are variously
described as causing a tem p o rary and a rtific ia l psychosis, an analog of
tran sfo rm ative m ystical experience, or an in te rru p tio n o f h a b itu a l
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psychological functioning th a t allows self-generated m odification o f
pattern s o f behavior, and reorganization o f feelings and thoughts
(C alabrese, 1994; C la rk , 1985; Cohen, 1960a; Cohen, 1964b; K u rla n d ,
U n g e r, S haffer & Savage, 1967; K u rla n d , Savage, Panhke, G ro f & Olsson,
1971; L o u ria, 1966; S ilverm an , 1976; S trassm an, 1995; W alsh, 1982;
Zaehn er, 1972; Zinberg, 1976).
The use o f the word psych edelic to describe the class o f drugs to be
discussed here is sometimes construed to in dicate a positive a ttitu d e
tow ard th e ir use, as opposed to the te rm hallucinogen, w hich has been th e
more w idely employed designation in law and m edicine since th e 1970’s
(N ichols, 1999). Jerom e Jaffe (1990) how ever, w ritin g on drugs o f abuse in
Goodman and G illm an's The Pharm acologic Basis o f Therapeutics, the
standard te x t on drug ac tivity, has in dicated a preference for th e te rm
psych edelic in the most recent editions. H e argues th a t, w hile m any drugs
other th an the psychedelics are know n to produce hallucinations a t toxic
doses or in specific circumstances, th e p rin c ip a l a c tiv ity o f the psychedelics
is not the production o f hallucinations, b u t ra th e r “states of altered
perception, thought and feeling th a t are no t experienced otherw ise except
in dream s or a t tim es o f religious e x a lta tio n ” (p. 553).
O verview of Methodology
The constructivist paradigm
The constructivist paradigm provides an excellent fram ew o rk fo r
conducting research on the on th e use o f psychedelics. This perspective
was o rig in ally term ed “n a tu ra lis tic ” by th e authors, b u t more recen tly has
been called “constructivist” (G uba & Lincoln, 1989), term s roughly
eq u ivalen t as descriptors for th is approach (Schw andt, 1994). T h e basic
beliefs or ontological and epistem ological assum ptions th a t u n d erg ird
19
constructivism are ou tlin ed by L in co ln an d G uba in th e ir te x t N a tu ra lis tic
In q u iry (1 9 8 5 ), and provide a guide fo r assessing th e appropriateness o f a
co n stru ctivist approach to an a rea o f research in terest. T h ere are strong
correspondences betw een th e axio m atic dem ands o f constructivism and th e
ch aracteristics o f th e phenom enon o f psychedelic drug use, p a rtic u la rly th e
ce n tral concept th a t m eanings a re created by hum an in te rp re ta tio n o f
experiences, and are local, p a rtic u la r and m u ltip le .
S im p ly stated , these axiom s address th e n a tu ra lis tic view o f
ontology, epistem ology, g en era liza b ility, cau sality, a n d the role o f valu es in
research (L in c o ln & G uba, 1985). In la te r ite ra tio n s of th e paradigm th e
basic assum ptions o f constructivism are expressed as answers to 1) the
ontological question: W h at is th e n a tu re o f reality? 2) the epistem ological

question: W h a t is th e relatio n sh ip o f th e know er to the known? and 3) th e
m ethodological q u e stio n : H ow can th e kn o w er fin d out th a t w hich can be
known? V iew ed together, these describe a w orld view th a t m ust be
accepted on fa ith , as th e ir tru th fu ln es s cannot be established by argu m ent
(G uba & L in co ln , 1994).
O ntology
In reg ard to o n to lo g y , i t is evid en t th a t a “m u ltip lic ity o f complex
constructions” (L in co ln & G uba, 1985, p. 22 9) are represented by th e
phenom enon o f psychedelic d ru g use. In th e study o f the psychedelic
experience, w h a t counts as know ledge is th e in teractio n o f th e observable,
such as th e d ru g , dose and se ttin g o f use, and im p o rtan t non-observable
phenom ena in clu d in g the subjective ch aracteristics o f users and
in te rp re ta tio n s o f th e ir in d iv id u a l experiences. Correspondingly, in
co nstru ctivist ontology, re a litie s a re local, specific, in tan g ib le m ental
constructions th a t are subject to a lte ra tio n as understan d in g becomes
20
m ore in form ed or m ore sophisticated and diverse perspectives are
disclosed and in teg rated (G uba & Linco ln, 1994). Th e a rra y o f social
re a litie s constructed by th e various histo ric and contem porary actors and
stakeholders in th e discourses about psychedelic drugs stro n g ly suggests
th a t in q u iry in th is area should be guided by a co n stru ctivist paradigm .

Epistem ologv
M u ch o f th e perplexed speculation on th e possible long-range social
outcomes o f w idespread exp erim en tatio n w ith psychedelics by th e young
has focused on th e ir p o te n tia l effects on the cognitive stru ctu res o f users.
Fears expressed by social com m entators o f the 1960's an d 70's concern the
p o te n tia l p erm an ent changes in th e epistem ology o f d ru g users, w hich, it
was speculated, m ig h t irreco n cilab ly alien ate th em from com m u n ity
standards o f behavior, discourse and re a lity (A lle n , 1985; K a is e r & G old,
1973; L o u ria , 1968). Psychedelic substances seem to fa c ilita te th e
developm ent o f a lte rn a te perspectives on re a lity and soften conceptual
boundaries (C leckner, 1977). R a th e r th a n supporting p a rtic ip a tio n in th e
accustom ed cosmological and social order, observers feared th a t users'
exposure to psychedelics w ould condition them to “v a ria n t models o f tim e,
space, an d cause-effect w hich [would] resu lt in epistem ic [sic] organizations
h ig h ly m alad ap tive to th e dem ands o f everyday ‘n o rm al’ life ” (M a rs e lla &
P ric e -W illia m s , 1974, p 70).
W h e th e r or not th e repeated user experienced an y im m ed iate
adverse psychedelic effects, th e com bination o f m u ltip le psychedelic
experiences and m em bership in a "psychedelic com m u n ity" o r social w orld
in w hich a lte rn a tiv e beliefs and perceptions and know ledge systems not
based on sense d a ta w ere atten ded to and valid ated w as th o u g h t to
fa c ilita te th e developm ent o f a "psychedelic syndrome" (S m ith , 1969). Th e
21
clin ical p ictu re o f those affected w as one o f discernible changes in beliefs
and values despite in ta c t cognitive a b ilitie s . C hronic users w ith m u ltip le
episodes o f L S D ingestion w ere observed in one study to have an altered
sense o f tim e and a changed awareness o f them selves as separate en tities
from th e w o rld around them (B lacker, Jones, Stone & Pfefferbaum , 1968).
Th e im m e d ia te concern o f some researchers was th a t, having rejected
conventional epistem ology, developed eccentric b e lie f systems and adapted
to a lte rn a tiv e social worlds, these in d ivid u a ls w ould be unable or u n w illin g
to re -e n te r s tra ig h t society (S m ith , 1967). T h e psychedelic experience
m ig h t, i t was feared, lead users to see th e ir accustomed culture and re a lity
not as s e lf evident and unquestioned, b u t “as a rb itra ry or one possible
order am ong others” (Thompson, 1987, p. 63).
In th e co nstructivist paradigm , it is possible to w ork quite
com fortably w ith ways o f know ing th a t arise from unusual modes o f
perception. R ea litie s are understood to be constructed intersubjectively
and a construction o f re a lity is m ore valued as it gains inform ation and
sophistication from in teractio n o f in d ivid u a ls whose personal perspectives
d iffe r (G uba & Lincoln, 1994). P erspectival sh ifts and changes in
un d erstan d in g p o ten tiated by psychedelics m ay be in terp reted d iffe re n tly
using d iffe re n t paradigm atic assum ptions. T h e "psychedelic syndrome," for
exam ple, m ig h t be construed as a re la x a tio n o f m ental rig id ity ra th e r th an
a form o f toxic dam age to ra tio n a l th oug ht processes.
G e n e ra liz a b ilitv and causality
A lm ost a ll existin g research w ith psychedelics acknowledges the
context dependence o f the experiences derived from th e ir use. The d iffic u lty
o f d e lim itin g a specific and in v a ria b le pharm acologic effect for the
psychedelics led e a rly investigators to describe th e ir effects instead as an
22
in te rp la y o f drug, set, setting and m a trix (E isn er, 1997; G rof, 1975;
M o g ar, 1966). M a n y psychedelic drug users have reported th e ir personal
experiences o f the m utu al sim ultaneous shaping o f perceived re a lity by th e
in te ra c tio n o f th e user and his or h er environm ent. Reports o f psychedelic
researchers have, fo r exam ple, often com m ented on th e w ay in w hich th e
th eo retical o rien tatio n of the various investigators tow ard one or an o th er
psychological orthodoxy seemed to b rin g fo rth descriptions o f th e
experience by th e ir clients th a t m atched th e th erap ists’ expectations
(C la rk , 1967; L e a ry , 1970; U ng er, 1963).
As th e g en era liza b ility o f statem ents about an y psychedelic
experience is alread y understood in th e lite ra tu re to be lim ite d by tim e and
context, the em ploym ent o f a constructivist approach to the in vestig atio n o f
these concerns is q u ite congruent. R a th e r th an a tte m p t to produce a body
o f findings th a t m ay be generalized to a la rg e r population, th is n a tu ra lis tic
stu d y seeks to provide a rich description o f th e experiences o f a specific
group o f histo ric psychedelic drug users. T h e inclusion of m any o rig in a l
n a rra tiv e accounts th a t present th e respondent's in d iv id u a l perspectives in
d e ta il allow s th e reader to assess the a p p lic a b ility o f the understandings o f
psychedelic drug use developed in th is study to o th er circum stances and
populations. Because these explorations are ta k in g place long a fte r th e fact
an d in a ra d ic a lly differen t social clim ate, it is lik e ly th a t distinctions
betw een causes a n d effects w ill be b lu rred , and th a t no sim ple causal
fa c to r or com bination o f factors w ill satisfacto rily explain w h a t
respondents reveal. The capacity o f th e co nstru ctivist paradigm to
encompass complex and m u tu ally arisin g causes is w e ll fitte d to the
p resen t focus.
23
T h e role o f values
T h e la s t o f th e axiom s fo r n a tu ra lis tic research, th a t i t is a va lu e -
bound a c tiv ity , m ay be th e m ost crucial and in flu e n tia l in th e conduct of
th is study. L inco ln and G uba describe fo u r w ays in which valu es influence
the conduct an d outcomes o f research in th e constructivist p aradig m : the
values in h eren t in th e p a ra d ig m its e lf, th e values th a t un derg ird th e
su bstantive theory g u idin g th e in q u iry , c u ltu ra l values, and th e values o f
the in q u irer (L in co ln & G uba, 1985).
P a ra d ig m values. T h e values o f th e co n stru ctivist, n a tu ra lis tic ,
h u m an istic or in te rp re tiv e paradig m , an d th e postm odern s e n s ib ility th a t
inform s th em , are consistent w ith m y understandings o f the phenom enon o f
psychedelic d ru g use, and w ith the p rin c ip a l them es of the e x is tin g
discourses. B oth th e scholarly and th e p o p u lar lite ra tu re on psychedelic
drugs and th e ir use rep e ate d ly disclaim s a tte m p ts to describe in v a ria b le
specific d ru g effects and holds experiences ob tained in psychedelic states to
be in e ffa b le (B a rn a rd , 1963; B ieberm an, 1968; B lu m , 1964; G rof, 1970).
T h is u n d erstan d in g is consistent w ith n a tu ra lis tic ontology in w h ich re a lity
“exists as m u ltip le , som etim es conflicting, m e n ta l constructions . . .Thus,
tru th is both com plex and a lte ra b le based on ongoing experiences and th e ir
m ean ing to th e person ” (F ord-G ilboe, C am p b ell & B erm an, 1995, p. 17).
The resistance o f th e psychedelic experience to reduction to u n iv e rs a l tru th
conditions th a t w ould enable its prediction an d control has fru s tra te d
po sitivistic researchers fo r h a lf a cen tu ry or m ore, and is u n lik e ly to yield.
Because i t is based upon a postm odern u n d erstan d in g th a t is d is tru s tfu l of
claim s to a sin g u la r a u th o rita tiv e know ledge, th is study need not b e a r the
burden o f a search fo r u n ive rs al tru th .
24
S idney Cohen (1960b ), who came to be regarded as one o f the
p rin cip a l spokespersons on th e L S D experience in th e U n ite d S tates, w rote
o f th e effects o f LSD :
A n y atte m p t to com m unicate th e to ta l L S D experience w ill surely fa il.
M u ch o f it occurs on a non-verbal level and is so h ig h ly v a ria b le th a t
an o ver-all statem ent w ill not encompass the e n tire spectrum o f
possible reaction. F u rth e rm o re , it is so foreign to o u r everyday
existence th a t our vocabulary is lacking in words to describe precisely
even th a t w hich could be described (p. 383).
E a rly attem pts a t description o f th e effects o f psychedelics em phasized
accounts o f the sensations experienced a fte r ta k in g psychedelic drugs, “to
the d e trim e n t o f th e em phasis th a t should be placed on [th eir] role as an
in te g ra l p a rt o f an ongoing life , m ost of w hich m ust be liv ed in a non
drugged condition" (B ieberm an, 1968, p. 5).
N e ith e r the specific sensations and perceptions experienced under
the im m ed iate influence o f psychedelic drugs, the properties o f psychedelic
chem icals, nor th e ir pharm acologic actions are th e focus o f th is research.
Th is study is concerned w ith th e personal insights and u n d erstand ing s of
in d iv id u a l users as th ey developed over tim e. None o f these, n e ith e r
im m ed iate nor long range psychedelic effects, are re a d ily described using
common language and d o m in an t in terp retiv e schemae. T h is study uses a
co nstru ctivist approach to develop a tim e-and-space-bound social n a rra tiv e
about psychedelic drugs th a t m ay be lin ked to some h isto ric al and po litical
events, b u t w hich is grounded in the p a rtic u la r experiences o f in divid uals
over tim e . I t em phasizes accounts o f the role o f psychedelic experiences in
the ongoing lives o f respondents, ra th e r th a n the sensations, perceptions
and d e tails o f th e experiences them selves. I t attem pts to explore aspects o f
25
respondents' experiences w ith psychedelics th a t m ay previously have been
incom pletely a rtic u la te d , and ways th a t these m ay have shaped th e ir
thoughts and practices (D e V a u lt, 1990).
V alu es as an aspect o f theory. To the ex ten t th a t th eoretical
constructions o f "the psychedelic experience" and its long- and short-range
effects have been developed, these theories are consistent w ith th e use o f
the n a tu ra lis tic approach employed in this study. In th is approach, it is
intended th a t the w o rk o f theory developm ent, in clu d in g id en tificatio n and
description o f im p o rta n t concepts, exploration o f th e relatio n s between
concepts so described, and th e developm ent o f understandings o f how study
respondents see these relationships expressed in th e ir own lives and th e ir
social m ilieu x, not be done a p rio ri. Theory is in ten ded to em erge from the
in q u iry, ra th e r th a n to be used to determ ine its scope and direction by
design.
P ersonal tran sfo rm atio n follow ing psychedelic experiences has been
w idely reported anecdotally, b u t has not been confirm ed by th e m easures
used in previous lo ng-term studies. M an y previous attem pts to review the
use of psychedelic drugs and repo rt th e ir im pact on users w ere seeking
adverse effects specifically. F a ilu re to recognize and in vestig ate occasions
of positive tran sfo rm atio n m ay have been an a rtifa c t o f th e generally
negative perception o f th e psychedelic experience th a t has predom inated
since use and possession o f psychedelic drugs w ere c rim in a lized in our
society. In those studies th a t did seek to id en tify positive effects, it is
possible th a t th e m easures employed did not fu lly access th e types o f
changes th a t m ay have occurred. I t is a p a rtic u la r stren g th o f th is study
th a t it em ploys a n a tu ra lis tic approach to in vestigate histo ric users’
understandings o f th e ir own experiences as th ey developed over tim e.
26
C u ltu ra l v a lu e s . T h e use o f ille g a l drugs is o ffic ia lly reprehended in
th e m odern A m erican context (JafFe, 1990), h a rm reduction strategies
aim ed a t those who choose to use these drugs are a p o litic a lly charged
topic (G rove, 1996), and acknow ledgm ent o f p o ten tial benefits o f ille g a l
d ru g use is ra re ly attem p te d (W alsh, 1982). M e d ica lly an d leg ally, an y use
o f a psychedelic d ru g has been fa r m ore lik e ly to be construed as drug
abuse and labeled as d e v ia n t behavior th a n gross in to xicatio n w ith , or
re g u la r ingestion of, o th er abusable substances (F o rt, 1968; Jacobs &
F e h r, 1987; JafFe, 1971; Zinberg , 1984c).
The orthodox public p o litic al stance in re la tio n to ille g a l drug use is
so u n re m ittin g ly disapproving as to m ake it d iffic u lt to m a in ta in a
balanced approach. T h e p re v a ilin g social clim ate has sh ifted very m uch
to w ard th e negative since th e peak years o f psychedelic d ru g use m ore
th a n two decades ago. G rove (1996) describes th e present day response to
d ru g use and d ru g users as d riven by a m odel o f condem nation th a t:
relies alm ost exclusively fo r its a u th o rity on extrem e m anifestations o f
d ru g -related h a rm . . . I t does not le t us id e n tify th e presence o f drug
use except w here [it] has alread y caused considerable h a rm or deunage
(p. 1).
G otz suggested as e a rly as 1972 th a t “i t w ould seem th a t th e ju dgm en t has
a lre a d y been rendered: [psychedelic] drugs can only be ‘abused.”* H e
objected to the w ay in w h ich th is foreclosed on th e po ssibility th a t the
psychedelics m ig h t be used in a w ay th a t was “m oderate, guided,
purposeful, and conducive to [changes] o f ch aracter th a t we say we va lu e”
(G otz, 1972, p. 14).
Because c u ltu ra l po stu rin g and personal values have alread y
shaped so m uch o f th e discourse around th e psychedelic drugs, value
27
questions are h ig h ly relevan t to th is study. T h e d eterm in atio n w ith w hich
psychedelic d ru g use has been p u blicly condem ned and defined as d e v ia n t
m akes the disclosure o f historic or c u rre n t psychedelic drug use p o te n tia lly
profoundly discrediting. D espite th is , th e recen t cautious resum ption o f
research exploring th e ad m in istra tio n o f psychedelics to hum an subjects,
and th e accession o f m any histo ric users to positions o f responsibility and
leadership in th e ir com m unities, provides an o p p o rtu n ity fo r renew ed
discussion and debate. The questions raised by e a rly researchers about
how psychedelic experiences m ig h t in fluence th e life trajectories o f yo u th fu l
users m ay now be explored a fte r several decades o f unfolding.
W illia m M cG lo th lin , one o f th e m ost p ro lific and m ost m oderate o f th e
e a rly LS D researchers, was also one o f th e e a rlie s t to ca ll for and conduct
long-range studies o f psychedelic d ru g effects. In 1967, w hen respondents
in th is study w ere adolescents and young ad u lts, he suggested th a t
yo u th fu l “d is a ffilia te s ,” who form ed th e m a jo rity o f th e “psychedelic
m ovem ent” w ere passing through an un d erstan d ab le developm ental stage,
one in w hich th ey w ere read ily influenced to accept new attitu d es, values
and beliefs. M c G lo th lin noted th a t, altho ugh th e re was “considerable
in d iv id u a l v a ria tio n , th e m ost consistent personal p a tte rn [was] a lessening
o f concern over status, com petition, m a te ria l possessions, and other
pursuits o f th e achievem ent oriented society” (p. 5). H e found it d iffic u lt to
im agine how these young people w ould look in th e ir fo rties, b u t he
suggested th a t th e "capacity o f hallucinogenic drugs fo r shaping
personality and values (both ad justive an d d is ru p tiv e ) [was] lik e ly to have
considerably m ore social im pact" th a n m ore feared and scrutinized effects,
such as acute psychotic reactions (M c G lo th lin , 1966, p. 7)
28
Jo nathan O. Cole, fo rm er c h ie f o f th e Psychopharmacology Service
C en ter a t N IM H , suggested a t th e 1969 R u tg er’s Sym posium on D ru g
Abuse th a t a survey lik e th e K insey rep o rt m ig h t provide new in fo rm a tio n
about psychoactive d rug use, w hich w ould allow for m ore ra tio n a l decision
m akin g on the subject. H e m ain tain ed th a t, w h ile repressive leg islatio n
was ju s tifie d by th e im m ed iate social crisis, attitu d es and law s about drug
use m ig h t soften i f “socially com petent and effective in d ivid u als” w ere la te r
to be id en tified as non-problem atic d rug users, and speculated th a t drug
use "in stable m iddle-class society is fa r g rea ter than one w ould
im agine”(Cole, 1969, p. 215).
Cole's speculation has not been extensively explored, and very few
efforts to study stable non-problem atic drug users or w orkable contexts for
the use o f ille g a l drugs have been attem pted. R ath er th a n a softening and
m oderation o f law s and a ttitu d e s about d rug use, the la s t th irty years
have produced in creasingly rig id and draconian attem pts to suppress a ll
illic it drug use. N o t only have these attem pts been unsuccessful in
e lim in a tin g drug use, th ey have disrupted th e process o f social lea rn in g
w hereby peer groups tra n s m it rules and norm s and develop in fo rm a l social
controls, thereby increasing th e risks associated w ith d rug use (B ecker,
1974; Bunce, 1979; Z inberg & H a rd in g , 1979).
E a rly anti-psychedelic crusaders m ain tain ed th a t harsh a n ti-d ru g
law s w ould la te r be m odified i f th ey proved un justified. Jonas R obitscher,
M D JD , provided a fa irly ty p ic a l m edical-legal perspective fo r th e tim e a t
th e 1969 R utgers Sym posium a t w hich he suggested th a t strong and
prom pt action should be ta k e n to re s tric t th e “delusional and h a llu c in a to ry
experiences” produced by L S D and other ille g a l drugs on th e basis th a t the
h arm th a t th ey m ig h t do w as not know n (Robitscher, 1969, p. 300). I f the
29
experiences proved not to be h a rm fu l, o r to be o f benefit, R obitscher
argued, these measures could la te r be rescinded:
I f tim e proves th a t these substances are beneficial, we can adopt th em
w hen we know more about them . I f tim e proves th a t users of these
substances cannot p articip ate in society as we know it, cannot use
th e ir ab ilities for the common w elfare, become dependent on oth er
segments o f society fo r support and m aintenance, and cannot provide a
stable fa m ily u n it in w hich ch ild ren can grow up to ta ke th e ir place in
society, it is im p o rtan t th a t we m in im ize th e use o f these [drugs] here
and now (p. 305).
I t is d iffic u lt to im agine w h at evidence o f benefit w ould p e rm it a
lib e ra liza tio n o f present-day law s ag ain st th e possession and d is trib u tio n o f
psychedelics, and very few attem pts to accum ulate such evidence have
been m ade.
H is to ric a lly , the po ten tial negative outcomes o f psychedelic
alteratio n s in attitu des, beliefs and values have been assigned m uch m ore
public c re d ib ility th an th e positive ones. D espite sta tis tic a l evidence th a t
there are a large num ber o f highly educated m iddle-aged persons who have
used psychedelics, no distinctive ill-effects in th is population have been
traced to th e ir history o f drug use. O n th e contrary, “sig n ifican t num bers
of people feel th a t the psychedelics have m ade positive contributions to
th e ir personal psychological grow th” (W alsh, 1982, p. 22). F o r these
persons, there is a disp arity between th e generally negative view o f
psychedelic drugs th a t is popularly presented and th e ir personal
experience. In th e process of exploring th e ir own feelings and
understandings about psychedelic d ru g use in th is study, historic users
30
have had an o p p o rtu n ity to exam ine any discrepancies betw een w h a t is
g enerally believed and ta u g h t about drug use and th e ir own experiences.
Values o f th e in q u ire r. M y personal experiences and understandings
of psychedelic drugs have shaped both m y life and th is in q u iry . I have
conducted th is study as a com plete opportunistic m em ber researcher, a
perspective th a t is discussed in d e ta il in C h a p te r T h ree. In addition, m y
personal h isto ry o f psychedelic drug use and m y own perceptions of
changes in m y a ttitu d e s , beliefs and values are discussed in A ppendix
Four.
As a nurse, I belong to a spacious profession th a t is w e ll suited to
exploration o f realm s o f h u m an consciousness an d m u ltip le re a litie s . The
w orld views expressed in th e perspectives o f m an y n u rsin g theorists
re a d ily encompass experiences and possibilities beyond th e m easurable,
predictable and concrete (K rie g e r, 1981; N ew m an , 1986; P arse, 1981;
Rogers, 1970; Rogers, 1990). N u rs in g as a d iscip line acknowledges the
im portance o f d iffe re n t w ays o f know ing (S ch ultz & M eleis, 1988), and
appreciates possibilities for change brought about by active reflection
(A lle n , 1985).
Significance o f th e Problem
Perspectives on change
Previous to th e ir c rim in a liza tio n in th e la te 1960's, psychedelics
w ere the subject o f an extensive program o f research on th e ir p o ten tial
th erap eu tic uses, in p a rtic u la r on th e ir a b ility to produce claim s o f rap id ,
profound and d ram atic changes in th e ir users. D esp ite enthusiastic claim s
for th e ir th erap eu tic effectiveness, dem onstration o f long range changes in
m easurable th erap e u tic outcomes proved to be p a rtic u la rly vexing
(M a n g in i, 1998). L a s tin g changes in attitu d es , beliefs and values have
31
fre q u e n tly been described a fte r even a single psychedelic experience, b u t
e a rly com prehensive and w ell-designed attem p ts to dem onstrate specific or
m easurable long-term b eh avio ral change a fte r e ith e r e x p e rim e n ta l or
th erap e u tic ad m in istra tio n o f psychedelic drugs w ere d isap p o in tin g
(M cG lo th lin , Cohen & M c G lo th lin , 1966; M c G lo th lin , Cohen & M c G lo th lin ,
1967). A ten -year follow -up study on a sam ple o f 247 p a tien ts o f th ree Los
Angeles physicians who conducted both psychedelic research an d th e ra p y
in th e 1950's and 1960's showed " little evidence th a t a few ad m in istra tio n s
o f LS D w ill produce las tin g p ersonality, b elief, value a ttitu d e o r behavior
change in a re la tiv e ly unselected population o f adults" (M c G lo th lin &
A rn o ld , 1971 p. 49). In a recent retrospective study o f 47 p a tie n ts from
th is same group, one th ird described persisten t benefits in clu d in g changes
in cognition, perception, and behavior. Tw o th ird s o f th is group regarded
th e ir psychedelic experiences as p rim a rily e n te rta in in g and curious,
ra th e r th an tran sfo rm ative (D o b lin , Beck, O b ata & A lio to , 1999).
D ifficu lties in dem o nstrating long- range changes despite claim s to
th e contrary m ay be explained in a v a rie ty o f w ays. Changes in a ttitu d e s
and values noted a fte r psychedelic experiences m ay be in trin s ic a lly
tra n s ie n t, or users m ay have d iffe rin g a b ilitie s to in te g ra te in sigh ts in to
th e ir d a ily lives related to differences in th e ir baseline personalities or
social situations. Those who recognized m ore long la s tin g effects from
psychedelic drugs m ay have had a baseline preference fo r a m ore
u n stru ctu red , spontaneous life , or m ay have been m ore unconventional and
sensation-seeking, and g en erally m ore predisposed to change. T h e changes
reported m ay reflect a tendency to va lu e and seek new experiences o f a ll
kin ds, as m uch as any specific effect o f th e psychedelics (M c G lo th lin &
A rn o ld , 1971). Social relatio n sh ip s, c u ltu ra l norm s, or ongoing th e ra p y
32
m ay fa il to reinforce effects o f psychedelic experiences on attitu d es, beliefs
and values. U sers m ay or m ay not em ploy th e ir psychedelic insights to
construct d iffe re n t ways to liv e , and th e changes fe lt a fte r drug
experiences m ay sim ply fade, as life -lo n g p attern s reassert them selves
(C la rk , 1967; E isn er & Cohen, 1958; M cC abe & H anlon, 1977).
Some researchers also have m ade a distin ctio n betw een “objective”
and “subjective" attitu d es , holding th a t objective attitu des are reflected in
behavior, and are in some w ay m ore “re a l” th an attitudes th a t p ertain
“only" to feelings and introspective experience. Even w hen a dram atic
change in a ttitu d e s is subjectively repo rted follow ing a psychedelic
experience, it has often not been dem onstrable by a b a tte ry o f “objective”
tests (L udw ig, 1966). T h is discrepancy w as considered by some
researchers sim ply to be evidence th a t th e m agnitude o f reported changes
a fte r L S D experiences seems to be g re a te r th a n it is (Cohen, 1968a).
O thers in terp rete d th is phenom enon d iffe re n tly .
In 1970, Bowen, Soskin & Chotlos questioned w hether d ram atic
short te rm p ersonality changes th a t are fre q u e n tly observed to occur a fte r
psychedelic d ru g use could be m ain tain ed . T h ere is, th ey said,
[S ]om ething m agical about expecting a single experience, in sig h tfu l,
dram atic, and in s p irin g as it m ay be, to d ras tica lly change an
in d iv id u a l’s h a b itu a l life style. Such conversion experiences do, on
occasion, lead to rad ic al and en d u rin g m odification in personality
fu nctioning, b u t th ey are re la tiv e ly ra re (p. 117-8)
One explanation offered fo r th e ra r ity o f persisten t change is th e need to
consolidate and solidify new attitu d es and beliefs by means o f d a ily
re p e titiv e practice, som ething th a t is d iffic u lt to achieve even w ith the best
o f in ten tion s. According to L o rr (1962):
33
Change w ould appear to require the passage o f tim e . Insights are p u t
into
practice in d a ily liv in g . N ew ways o f reactin g in terp erso n ally m ust be
tested ag ain and ag ain in n a tu ra l settings before w h a t has been
learn ed becomes consolidated. T ria l and e rro r te s tin g seems a
prerequisite fo r th e process o f grow th and change (p. 140)
O ld habits and practices m ay reassert them selves v e ry easily,
p a rtic u la rly in situ atio n s w here there is little social or interpersonal
reinforcem ent fo r th e changed behavior or belief.
The w o rk o f Savage, Fadim an, M ogar & H ughes A lle n (1966)
supported th is understand ing of the o f the process o f change follow ing
psychedelic dru g use. In th e ir study, some p atien ts tested a t two, six and
tw elve m onths post psychedelic trea tm e n t m a in ta in e d and consolidated
e a rly changes, some tended to regress, and others displayed fu rth e r
personal grow th th a t was s till in progress. T h is was fe lt to be consistent
w ith expected p a tte rn s in which behavior change occurs g rad u ally even in
the presence o f en d u rin g changes in feelings, values and beliefs (M ogar,
1966; Savage e t a l., 1966).
A n in trig u in g perspective on the a b ility o f psychedelics to produce
profound personal tran sfo rm ation was th a t o f L is a B ieberm an, pu blisher o f
The B u lle tin o f th e Psychedelic Inform ation C e n te r, and one o f the m ost
thoug htful and a rtic u la te w riters on ea rly exp erim en tatio n w ith
consciousness-expanding drugs. B ieberm an believed th a t profound
psychedelic tran sfo rm atio n s are possible because th e experience av aila b le
from psychedelic drugs is po ten tially productive o f a religious or m ystical
insight, “a conviction o f a divine R ea lity based on personal encounter, plus
in te rp re ta tio n and im plem entation based on th e in d iv id u a l’s . . .
34
background, p erso n ality and situ a tio n ” (B ieberm an, 1968, p. 10). She
suggested th a t th is m ig h t be m ore common th a n w as g e n erally thought,
b u t tended to be obscured by th e fashions, m usic, p o litic a l postures and
o ther co u n ter-cu ltu ral baggage th a t had attached its e lf to th e psychedelic
drugs.
B ieberm an (1 967 ) rejected th e w ord psychedelic as h a vin g been
degraded as a re fe re n t to th is e x tra o rd in a ry experience by its associations
w ith “gaudy ille g ib le posters, gaudy unreadable tabloids, loud parties,
an yth in g paisley, noisy crowded discotheques, trin k e t shops and th e slum
districts" (p. 17). She p referred th e word “p h an ero th ym e,” a w ord coined
by Aldous H u x le y , w hich she defined as: “(1 ) a state o f m e n ta l and s p iritu a l
c la rity , achieved th ro ugh th e responsible and re v e re n t use o f certain
plants or drugs, such as peyote, m escaline, psilocybin and LS D ; (2 ) c e rta in
drugs, w hen used fo r th e sake o f p h anerothym e” (B ieb erm an , 1968, p. 4).
B ieberm an counseled th a t, ra th e r th an try in g to describe th e effects of
psychedelics, i t w ould be p referab le to describe w h a t th e psychedelic
experience teaches. "The te s t,” B ieberm an w rote, "is not how m agnificent
the visions, b u t ra th e r how clear is the u n d erstand ing obtained, and th e
test o f c la rity is its a p p lic a b ility to d a ily life" (p. 4).
In B ieberm an's view , it w ould only become possible to assess the
q u a lity o f th e o rig in al tra n s fo rm a tiv e experience over th e long term . Those
who had been fo rtu n a te enough to have experienced th e fu ll exten t o f th e
psychedelics' tran sfo rm ative p o te n tia l w ould know them selves and be
know n to others by th e fru its o f th a t experience in th e ir every day
existence. Thus B ieberm an seemed to suggest th a t those who w ere not
transform ed by th e experience h ad not been exposed to its fu ll
m an ifestatio n , an exp lan atio n th a t was advanced by some psychedelic
35
therapists as w ell (C hw elos, B lew ett, S m ith & H o ffer, 1959; Savage, 1962;
T e rrill, 1964). She w rote:
P hanerothym e cannot be com pletely defined because th e re rem ains
m uch th a t is recognized by th e experiencer, who w ill know
phanerothym e from an y m ere h allu cin atio n , in toxican t or s tim u la n t. .
. [A] drug becomes phanerothym e only by th e in te n t o f th e
receiver”(B ieb erm an , 1967, p. 4).
Roberts (1999) has suggested th a t th is usage is an analogous to the
sacram ental use o f a lta r w ine; its sacram ental status is derived not from
its chem ical stru ctu re, no r its possible use as a m edicine, food, or
in to xican t, b u t th e use to w hich i t is p u t by th e celebrant. T h is perspective
suggests a m u ltifa c to ria l com bination o f experience, in te n tio n and practice
th a t in te ra c t in producing m anifestations o f th e tran sfo rm ative p o ten tia l of
psychedelic drugs.
D escribing p attern s o f use: drug, set, se ttin g and m atrix
Abstinence-based d ru g policy and research have often de
em phasized th e effect o f th e context o f use as a d eterm in an t o f drug effects.
D ru g effects have been understood as pharm acologically and biochem ically
derived, w ith m in im a l consideration o f the influence o f th e users’ m en tal
set, th e settin g o f use, and th e social m a trix in w hich use occurs.
Researchers w o rkin g w ith psychedelic drugs w ere am ong th e firs t to
acknowledge th e im portance o f these influences (E isn er, 1997). As e a rly as
1959, a W orld H e a lth O rg a n iza tio n study group on “a ta ra c tic and
hallucinogenic” drugs had observed th a t,
. . . the same drug, in th e same dose in th e same subject m ay produce
ve ry d iffe re n t effects according to the precise in terp erso n al and
36
m otivatio nal situ atio n in w hich it is given (W orld H e a lth O rgan izatio n ,
1958, p. 39)
E a rly w o rk w ith psychedelics a t Boston Psychopathic H o s p ita l disclosed
su rp risin g differences in the reactions o f subjects to LS D depending on the
characteristics o f th e en viron m ent o f use (H yd e, 1960). M a n y researchers
have described the m a lle a b ility and responsiveness o f the psychedelic
experience to the expectations o f th e person receiving the d ru g and the
s e ttin g in which it is used as one o f its distin ctive features (A lnaes, 1964;
C ole, 1961; Elkes, 1959; S m ith , 1968).
E very society has c u ltu ra l ru les, m yths, ritu a ls , m eanings, law s and
languages for dealing w ith the use o f substances. A lthough variab les lik e
biochem ical factors, race, p a re n ta l substance use, gender, and d rug of
choice are easily adapted to exp erim en tal designs, th ey fa il to present the
h u m an context o f drug use. The re s u ltin g d a ta can redu ctio n istically
d is to rt and oversim plify a complex hu m an experience (S prad ley, 1978).
M o st research into pattern s o f d ru g use is conducted using survey
m ethodology th a t provides only m in im al in form atio n about these aspects o f
d ru g using behavior. R etrospective studies o f the effects o f ille g a l drugs
tend to be designed specifically to ev alu ate th e d e trim e n ta l im p act o f drug
use. T h e im portance o f an im proved understanding o f psychoactive drug
effects th a t considers not only th e pharm acology o f the drug its e lf, b u t the
i m m ed ia te expectations, needs and know ledge o f th e user, and th e legal
and m oral status o f the drug in th e social environm ent, has been
understood for decades (H im m e ls te in , 1979). As a contribution to changing
th e term s in w hich drug use is understood, th is study seeks to present the
claim s o f some ille g a l drug users as le g itim a te stakeholders, to allow for
a lte rn a tiv e ways of conceptualizing d rug issues, and to foster c ritic a l self-
37
aw areness in psychedelic d ru g users them selves (H u m p hreys &
R ap p ap o rt, 1989).
U sers’ stories
Ideology has la rg e ly defined th e term s in w hich issues around drug
use are debated. T h e u n ify in g ch aracteristic o f a ll illic it d ru g ta k in g for th e
ideologic leg alist is defiance o f le g itim a te a u th o rity, and d ru g problem s are
a ra lly in g point for a u th o rita ria n sentim ents. C onservative policies th a t
define ille g a l drug use as in trin s ic a lly m align, and describe users in term s
o f in d iv id u a l defects and la c k o f m o ral character, neglect to exam ine the
p o te n tia l benefits th a t users m ay derive from th e ir d rug experiences.
The possibility th a t th e re is a continuum o f d iffe re n t types and levels
o f d ru g use behaviors, in clu d in g some th a t not only are not h a rm fu l, b u t
m ay be beneficial, is discordant w ith th e understan din g o f d ru g use and
abuse presented by g o vern m en tal regu lato rs and m ost d ru g education
program s (Goode, 1993). I t is very d iffic u lt to take a public stan d th a t
advocates any use o f ille g a l or even quasi-legal drugs, such as m edical
cannabis. The te rm "recreatio nal d ru g use" is not o fficially used to describe
th e use o f any ille g a l d ru g , nor d rin k in g by those under th e leg al age lim it.
C u rric u lu m m a te ria ls th a t do not endorse abstinence are excluded from
m ost drug education program s (Rosenbaum , 1996). D espite th is , any drug
can be used safely in some situation s and by some in d ivid u als. T h e
d iffic u lty is pred ictin g ex actly who w ill have problems and w h ich drugs
w ill precip itate them .
M ean in g fu l categories o f experience and practice m ay be e x p lic itly
considered by drug users fo r th e firs t tim e in the process o f n a rra tin g th e ir
histo ries o f drug use. T h e n a rra to r m ay have d iffic u lty fin d in g adequate
language to express in d iv id u a l experience, a problem th a t has been
38
described by D e v a u lt as "lin g u istic incongruence” (1990, p. 96). T h is
d iffic u lty is exacerbated in discussions o f ille g a l drugs by the te n a c ity o f
c u rre n tly fashionable th eoretical view s o f d rug use, w hich tend to lim it
w h a t in fo rm atio n about drug use w ill be sought and in w h a t w ay it w ill be
in te rp re te d .
The n a rra tiv e accounts o f m iddle-aged, high-fun ctio nin g ad u lts who
have them selves experienced th e profound alteratio n s o f consciousness th a t
m ay be provoked by psychedelic drugs m ay give access to unexpected
insights in to the depth and range o f p o te n tia l drug effects. In ad d itio n , th e
personal and c u ltu ra l biographies o f in d iv id u a l psychedelic d rug users
m ay disclose w h a t Richardson (1 9 9 0 ) has called a “collective story,” a
n a rra tiv e o f th e experiences o f m em bers o f a silenced o r m arg in alized
social w o rld . C ollective stories open new possibilities and offer new
p attern s fo r th e rein te rp re ta tio n o f in d iv id u a l life stories by lin k in g persons
o f common experience who m ay not ev er know one another. T h e ir social
id e n tific a tio n w ith th e common story can nevertheless em power sharers o f
th a t story to ta ke action on b e h a lf o f th e collective, and can catalyze social
tra n s fo rm a tio n (Richardson, 1990). T h is study has provided an
o p p o rtu n ity fo r the particip an ts to re fle c t on th e ir own understandings o f
th e ir psychedelic experiences, to consider how th ey m ay m irro r o r d iffe r
from d o m inan t views, and to explore a n y constraints under w hich th ey
m ay consciously or unconsciously h ave been operating.
I f th e social and po litical contradictions in th e dom inant system o f
ideas about psychedelic drug use w ere an alyzed and criticized by m ore
users, it m ig h t become possible to fo r th e m to take action for social change
in th e ir common interests. C on sid eratio n o f such contradictions could
present an op portunity for co ncientizatio n o f psychedelic drug users — a
39
process in w hich a group or in d iv id u a l subm erged in a constraining social
re a lity comes to reflect c ritic a lly on th a t re a lity , thereby m oving to w ard
s e lf-lib e ra tio n from oppressive social stru ctu res and purposeful action
directed a t social change (F re ire , 1970). Research on d ru g use th a t
explores th e re a l lives o f drug users, a rtic u la tes th e ir definitions o f re a lity ,
and delineates th e ways in w hich th e y experience drug use can also
capture th e complex in te ra c tin g influences o f p a rtic u la r personal factors
and social w orlds on each experience o f d ru g use.
In conducting th is study, I have engaged, w ith the study
respondents, in a reflexive exam in atio n o f th e historical, c u ltu ra l and
p o litic a l assum ptions th a t have form ed contem porary ideologies about
d ru g users, psychedelic drugs, and drugs in general. A lth oug h the e x p lic it
goal o f th is study is not social tran sfo rm atio n , it is hoped th a t it w ill
enhance understanding, foster self-reflectio n , influence expectations and
prom ote reap p rais al in these areas in w ays th a t are respectful and
inclusive o f the life choices and understandings o f the respondents. To th e
ex ten t th a t praxis is action th a t “in fo rm s, transform s, changes or m akes
aw are” (L u tz , Jones & K en d all, 1997, p. 24 ) this study attem p ts to re a lize
p ra x is .
40
Chapter 2: R eview o f th e L iterature
"V isit e ith e r you like: they're both m ad."

"But I don't w an t to go among m ad people," A lice rem arked.
"Oh, you can't help th at," said the C a t.
"W e're a ll m ad here. I'm m ad. Y ou're m ad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said A lice.
'Y ou m ust be," said the C at, "O r you w o u ld n 't have come here."
Lewis C a rro lll
Alice in W onderland
O rgan izatio n
The intense in terest in the psychedelics th a t has persisted despite
the crim in a liza tio n and stigm atizatio n o f th e ir use is related to the
learn ing , grow th and change th a t users claim to have experienced.
A lthough psychedelic drug research in vo lv in g hum an subjects has been a ll
b u t shut down for tw en ty five years, th e re is a considerable body o f
research accum ulated prio r to c rim in a liza tio n th a t has had a t least th ree
emphases: psychotherapy, including w o rk w ith addicts (Savage &
McCabe, 1973), alcoholics (M a n g in i, 1998) and w ith th e dying (G ro f &
H a lifa x , 1977; K u rla n d , 1985; R ichards, G rof, Goodm an & K u rla n d , 1972);
enhancem ent o f c rea tivity and in tu itio n (K rip p n e r, 1977); and religious
experience (C la rk , 1973; Forte, 1997) an d s p iritu a l transform ation
(H arm an , 1995; Pahnke & Richards, 1966). In th e fiftee n years o f research
on psychedelic drugs previous to th e ir scheduling as controlled substances
six in te rn a tio n a l conferences w ere held, and m ore th a n two thousand
papers w ere w ritte n about th e ir p o ten tia l th erap eu tic usefulness (Cohen,
1964a).
41
T h is ch a p te r is not intended to be a com prehensive review . R ath er,
it includes a selection o f im p o rta n t or rep res en tativ e lite ra tu re , organized
according to th re e m a in in te re s t areas. In th e fir s t section, Perspectives on
Psychedelic D ru g U se, social constructions o f psychedelic drug
experiences, bo th o f those who had used th e drugs and those who had not,
are presented. Specific contexts o f use and social w orlds th a t provided
th e ir m em bers w ith contexts, in structions and in te rp re ta tio n s fo r the use o f
psychedelics a re b rie fly described. T h e second section includes lite ra tu re
specific to th e topic o f th is study. E x is tin g studies on th e long-range effects
o f psychedelic d ru g use are review ed, and a v a rie ty o f m edical, sociological
and c u ltu ra l in te rp re ta tio n s o f psychedelic experiences are presented. This
lite ra tu re is, fo r th e m ost p a rt, q u ite dated , as th e re has been very little
ongoing research using psychedelic drugs in h u m an subjects since the late
1960's. T h e fin a l section review s some o f th e concerns about psychedelic
drugs th a t w ere m ost salien t in th e social com m entary and scholarly
discourse o f th e e ra w hen most o f th e respondents in th is study w ere firs t
exposed to th em . I t concludes w ith a b rie f overview o f lite ra tu re p ertain in g
to the p o te n tia l benefits o f psychedelic d ru g use.
Perspectives on Psychedelic D ru g U se
C o n stru ctin g th e L S D experience
A lth o u g h contem porary use o f psychedelics continues, and rates of
use appear to be unchanged since th e psychedelics becam e w id ely
available in th e la te 1960’s (C h ilco at & S chutz, 1996), histo ric users of
psychedelic drugs a re lik e ly to have had d iffe re n t kin d s o f experiences from
the users o f today. T h ey are said to have ta k e n la rg e r doses th a n are
commonly used now (B au m eister & P lac id i, 1983), and to have experienced
more intense d ru g effects (N a tio n a l In s titu te o f Ju stice, 1997). Previous
42
studies suggest th a t th e L S D users o f previous decades, "w ith th e ir g re a t
hopes o f heaven and fears o f h e ll, and a lac k o f any sense o f w h a t to expect"
(Z inb erg, 1984, p. 3 9 ), had fa r m ore s ta rtlin g experiences th a n do la te r
users, who have been exposed to reports o f th e types o f feelings and
sensations lik e ly to be encountered.
R ichard B lu m (1 9 6 4 ), who conducted an in te rv ie w study o f fiv e
groups of L S D users whose use occurred fro m 1956 to 1963 w hen L S D
seemed “m ain ly to be used by professionals, in telle ctu als , or o th er m iddle
class people (S an fo rd , 1964, p. x iii), described th e process by w h ich these
e a rly experim enters lea rn ed a language fo r describing th e ir experiences:
W h a t one expects from L S D on th e basis o f p rio r in fo rm a tio n and
personal predispositions, plus w h a t one is to ld is happening by th e
a d m in is tra to r w h ile one is ta k in g th e drug, are factors stro ngly
in fluencin g th e choice o f words used to describe th e experience its e lf. .
.One learns a language w hich signifies to oth er users th a t one
understands an d has been th ro ugh an L S D experience. T h e language
is shaped by th e c u ltu re o f th e speakers, . . .by th e p a rtic u la r subgroup
w ith w hich th e L S D user is socially a ffilia te d and under whose
auspices he has ta k e n th e drug (p. 16).
For the m ost p a rt, th e e a rliest experim en ters had th e ir firs t
encounters w ith psychedelics under th e guidance o f an experienced person
who gave them both th e d ru g and some id ea o f w h a t to expect from it. In
th e 1950's and e a rly 1960's th ere w ere ve ry few sources o f supply o th er
th a n le g itim a te p h arm aceu tical houses, and expectations w ere m ostly fo r a
s ta rtlin g and u n iq u e b u t basically benign and p o te n tia lly th e ra p e u tic
experience. F o r m a n y L S D users whose experiences occurred on ly a few
years la te r, th e d ru g w as obtained from sources whose re lia b ility was
43
uncertain. E xpectations o f th e drugs' effects w ere provided for m any by the
popular press th a t re g u la rly described th e psychedelic experience as a
form o f psychotic episode and dw elt on th e them es o f madness and suicide
(B ecker, 1967; R obitscher, 1968). As m ore psychedelic experiences
occurred w ith o u t guidance or supervision, m ore problem s came to the
atten tio n o f em ergency personnel and produced m ore news coverage
reinforcing expectations o f psychosis an d danger.
Reports o f adverse psychedelic reactions
From M a rc h through June 1965, 2 7 p a tie n ts w ere adm itted to
B ellevue P sychiatric H o s p ita l in N ew Y o rk as a re s u lt o f ta k in g LS D ,
prom pting th e firs t published rep o rt o f adverse psychedelic reactions to
drugs taken outside th e research en viro n m en t in th e Decem ber 2, 1965
issue o f the N ew E ngland Jo u rn al o f M ed icin e (Frosch, Robbins & S tem ,
1965). The authors found th a t adverse reactions could be grouped into
th ree syndrom es: acute panic reactions, o v e rt psychoses, and w h at la te r
came to be called “flashbacks,” experiences o f perceptual distortion and
depersonalization s im ila r to the drug s ta te b u t occurring w ith o u t fu rth e r
drug use. Recovery from panic reactions w as u s u a lly rap id , and no long-
range problem s had been noted. F o r th e o th e r tw o groups th e prognosis
was unclear, as m any patien ts w ere s till experiencin g some “im p airm en t of
perform ance” w hen la s t contacted (Frosch e t a l., 1965).
Physicians called upon to tre a t acute a n x ie ty reactions in LS D users
also have not alw ays considered the po ssib ility th a t th e attac k m ight be a
localized phenom enon, and th a t h o sp italizatio n is lik e ly to reinforce the
d efin itio n o f th e drug experience as in s a n ity (C ohen, 1985). Prolonged
changes in fu n ctio n in g observed follow ing L S D use have tended to be
in terp rete d as LS D -induced psychoses. A d iffe re n t in te rp re ta tio n was
44
provided by G lickm an and B lum enfield (1967), who pointed o u t th a t w h ile
tru e psychotic reactions do occur i f repressed conflicts to come out in to th e
open u n der th e influence o f psychedelics, some persons w ith generally poor
pre-m orbid fu n ctio n in g m ay project upon th e ir use o f L S D th e cause o f a ll
o f th e ir psychiatric problem s. They argued th a t these projections m ig h t be
easily accepted by exam in in g psychiatrists i f th ey fa ile d to consider the
p a tien ts’ p re-d ru g personalities and pre-existin g problem s, and th a t m any
o f the psychoses, hom icides and suicides th a t w ere reported as "LSD
reactions” w ould have occurred w ith o u t LS D ingestion (G lickm an &
B lum en field, 1967).
S trassm an (1 984 ) review ed tw e n ty five studies o f LS D use in a
v a rie ty o f settings (1 3,67 9 cases) for reports o f adverse reactions. W h ile
lo ng-lasting psychopathology did arise in vu ln erab le in d ivid u als a fte r th e
use o f psychedelics, S trassm an concluded th a t th e incidence o f such
reactions was g en erally low , and p a rtic u la rly low in cases w here carefu lly
screened and prepared subjects w ere given know n am ounts o f pure
substances (S trassm an, 1984). A subsequent review o f th e lite ra tu re on
prolonged post-psychedelic psychoses found th a t th e incidence fe ll in a
range from 0.0 8-4 .6% , w ith a m edian o f 2.7% (A b rah am & A ld rid g e, 1993).
H o w ard B ecker (1 967 ) argued th a t the n a tu ra l h isto ry o f the
assim ilation o f an in to x icatin g drug by a society includes variatio n s in th e
types o f d ru g experiences it can be expected to produce, including the
incidence o f "psychoses.” As a drug-using social w o rld w ith a stable
conception o f a p a rtic u la r drug’s expected effects and m ethods o f use
develops, it allow s th e user to in te rp re t drug experiences, and to control
his or h e r response to them . I t is the ea rly stages o f th e cu ltu ra l
assim ilatio n process th a t are m arked by freq uen t reports o f "psychotic
45
episodes.” In th e absence o f co ntrad icto ry in p u t, experiences in w hich th e ir
subjective states and perceptual w orlds no longer conform to consensual
realities are lik e ly to be defined by n a ive users as in s a n ity . In an
experienced or p rep ared user, th e sam e a lte ra tio n s o f su bjective state th a t
a naive user m ay experience as m adness m ay be d e fin ed as desirable
ra th e r th an frig h te n in g , and m ay be th e purpose fo r w h ic h th e drug is
taken (Becker, 1967).
The anxious novice who has not come into co ntact w ith an inform ed
drug-using su b-culture m ay be offered perspectives an d in te rp re ta tio n s
th a t valid ate th e notion th a t he or she is "going crazy .” T h e aggregate
effect of defining th e states o f consciousness experienced b y th e users o f
psychedelic drugs as m adness constructs th e experience as dangerous,
pathological and socially problem atic, an d m ay predispose unprepared
users exposed to such d efin itio n s to experience u n p le asa n t o r d e trim e n ta l
effects. Becker suggested th a t the rash o f reports o f "L S D -in d u ced
psychoses” th a t occurred around 1966 m ig h t have been an a rtifa c t o f th e
lack of specific m edical know ledge about L S D effects, th e em phasis on the
them e of madness in press reports o f L S D use, and th e re la tiv e ly
undeveloped state o f th e L S D -u sin g su b-culture, ra th e r th a n an in trin s ic
effect of the dru g its e lf. I f th is w ere th e case, B ecker suggested, reports o f
“LSD -induced psychoses” w ould be expected to decrease, ra th e r th a n to
clim b, as the n u m b er o f users rose (B ecker, 1967).
This pred iction seems to have been v a lid a te d by subsequent events.
In analyzing the d a ta on trends in th e use o f L S D an d o th e r psychedelics in
1974, W illia m M c G lo th lin noted th a t th e re had been a stead y rise in th e ir
use, p a rtic u la rly o f L S D use, a t le a s t th ro u g h 1971. H e observed th a t
th ere was a sim ultaneous decrease in rep o rted psychoses an d other
46
adverse effects, w h ich led m an y observers who had not an alyzed th e d a ta
on prevalence and frequency o f use to conclude th a t the use o f psychedelics
had declined (M c G lo th lin , 1974).
O thers in te rp re te d the d a ta d iffe re n tly . Robbins, Robbins, Frosch
and S te m (1967) fo llow ed up th e ir 1965 a rtic le reporting on th e increasing
incidence o f “u n to w a rd reactions” to L S D and other psychedelics w ith an
a rtic le discussing th e im p licatio n s o f such reactions. They suggested th a t
th e low ra te o f adverse reactions previously reported by researchers using
L S D and other psychedelics in controlled settings (Cohen & D itm a n , 1962;
D itm a n & W h ittle s le y , 1959) d id not accurately reflect the n u m b er o f L S D -
induced psychoses. T h e y im p lie d th a t th e “L S D m ovem ent” had k e p t
psychotic reactions h id d e n fro m public atten tio n , and had m ade “ efforts. .
.to p revent adverse reactions from being publicized” (Robbins e t a l., 1967,
p. 997). Th ey fu rth e r speculated th a t th e observed decline in adverse
reactions leadin g to h o sp italiza tio n m ust be an understatem ent o f the
o verall ra te o f adverse reactions. Th e decline in admissions was explained
as resu ltin g from “less unsupervised ta k in g o f L S D because o f p u b lic ity
reg ard in g u n to w ard effects,” as w e ll as increased awareness and
sophistication o f users and physicians, and a reluctance am ong L S D users
to use th e ir services “fo r a v a rie ty o f reasons” (p. 997).

E xp lo ratio n o f controlled d ru g use
P attern s o f m oderate use o f any ille g a l drug are d iffic u lt to study.
Persons who have m anaged to avoid developing personal, social, leg al,
em ploym ent or h e a lth problem s in relatio n to th e ir use o f illic it drugs m ay
not be eager to re v e a l such use, even in surveys or situations in w hich
an on ym ity is g u aran teed (W a tte rs & B iern acki, 1989). Surveys o f
household m em bers, o r o f c h ild ren who a tten d school, m ay provide
47
accurate self-rep ort d a ta on drug use, b u t are lim ite d to accessible and
cooperative populations. Studies o f persons w ho receive tre a tm e n t for
d ru g -related problem s, or o f law -enforcem ent d a ta on d ru g offenders,
present the most pathological p a rt o f th e spectrum o f d ru g users. They
provide no in form atio n about persons whose drug use rem ains unnoticed
by th e au th o rities (G reene, N ig h tin g ale & D uP ont, 1975; M a n g in i, 1999;
W in ic k, 1991).
A lthough research indicates th a t m any users o f ille g a l psychoactive
drugs are able to function effectively and undetectably in society, most
public policy presupposes th a t such use w ill in e v ita b ly have dem onstrable
negative consequences. B oth the popular and th e legal form ulations o f the
use o f ille g a l drugs allow , for the m ost p a rt, fo r only tw o patterns:
abstinence and abuse. A ny illic it d ru g use is defined as abusive, and
m oderate use is believed to be an unstable p a tte rn , w hich m ay a t any tim e
d eterio rate in to uncontrolled use or d ru g addiction (M a n g in i, 1999;
Zinberg, 1984b). Studies o f drug users have often failed to d ifferen tiate
betw een d ifferen t patterns o f use (F o rster & Sallow ay, 1990), employed
im precise and inaccurate term inology in describing levels o f use (Geber,
1969; Goode, 1993; Zinberg, H a rd in g & A psler, 1978), or m ade no attem p t
to describe patterns o f m oderate, in te rm itte n t, or controlled use (Cohen,
1999; Engs & Fors, 1988; Zinberg, 1984a).
In th e ir provocative book about crack cocaine, R ein arm an & Levine
(1997c) speculate about th e existence o f a la rg e ly in visib le class o f drug
users whose lives are not disrupted, and who m ay be benefited by th e ir
drug use:
D ru g users (especially m a riju a n a users, b u t also cocaine snorters;
Ecstasy, LS D and m ushroom trip p ers; am phetam ine users; and even
48
some recrea tio n al h ero in snorters) are in every profession and a re
am ong th e ran ks o f th e fam ous and high achievers in every fie ld . D ru g
users have w on N obel P rizes, P u litz e r P rizes, Oscars, Em m ys,
G ram m ys, and W o rld Series and Superbow l rin g s. M ost d ru g users
have rem ain ed silen t, th e ir opposition to p u n itiv e proh ibition im p lic it in
th e ir flo u tin g o f its law s. Should th ey ever fin d th e ir voice and th e
p o litic a l space to speak, th ey w ould constitute a huge m ovem ent fo r
refo rm . T h e N a tio n a l Household Surveys on D ru g Abuse have shown
th a t about seventy m illio n A m ericans have a t lea st trie d illic it drugs in
spite o f p u n itiv e proh ibition and th a t tw e n ty m illio n people have used
ille g a l drugs in th e la s t year. T h e d irty little secret o f d rug proh ibition
is th a t m ost recreatio n al users fin d th e ir d ru g experiences va lu ab le for
a w id e v a rie ty o f reasons, in clu d in g physical pleasure, release from
stress, m e n ta l h e a lth , s p iritu a lity , in te lle c tu a l stim u latio n , self-
m edication, enhanced sociability, or ju s t p la in fu n. A nd because th e ir
d ru g use arises from these purposes ra th e r th a n some pathology, the
va st m a jo rity do n o t become abusers or addicts. . . S elf-reg u lated drug
use an d in fo rm a l social controls are m ore lik e ly am ong those who have
balanced lives, who can look fo rw ard to a decent life in the fu tu re , and
who th erefo re have some stake in conventional life and society, (p. 358-
35 9).
As e a rly as 1969, A lfre d L in d e sm ith posited th a t d ru g users, p a rtic u la rly
those from th e upper classes or groups who have a social position to
consider, are u n lik e ly to press fo r changes in th e a n ti-d ru g law s because o f
fe a r o f exposure, and even i f legislators could accept th a t th ere m ig h t be
b en eficial and m oderate uses o f ille g a l drugs, th ey w ould be u n lik e ly to
ta ke an y action i f th ey feared th a t votes w ill be lost.
49
Th e m ajo rity o f theories th a t ex p la in illic it drug use and describe th e
d ru g user do so in such negative and pathological term s th a t i t seems
m ysterious th a t any drug users su rvive a t a ll (E in stein , 1981). D esp ite
th is , m any researchers in th e U . S. and E urope m ain tain th a t th e re exists
a la rg e num ber o f m oderate, co ntrolled o r occasional users o f an y class o f
illic it drugs who m ay n o t presen t an y serious problem in term s o f social
d is a b ility , m orbidity, or m o rta lity (A g ar, 1985; R eu ter, 1992; R obins,
1993; W ald o rf, R ein arm an & M u rp h y , 1991). The effect o f th e c u rre n t drug
law s is freq u en tly to p u t nonconform ing b u t otherw ise fu n ctio n al citizens
in to "a te rro r of apprehension, re n d e rin g th e ir privacy precarious and
th e ir prospects in life u n certain" (F ein b erg , as cited in M oore, 1993, p.
22 8).
M oderate drug use cannot be defined by the kin d or am o u n t o f drugs
th a t are consumed. A ny a tte m p t to d istin g u ish drug use from abuse m ust
consider th e person using and th e circum stances o f use along w ith th e
drug . W h e th e r any drug is used in m oderation by a p a rtic u la r in d iv id u a l
depends to a great exten t upon th e social w o rld in w hich his o r h e r use
occurs, and its inform al social ru le s and ritu a ls (Zinberg & H a rd in g , 1979).
M o d erate users tend to p lan th e ir use in keeping w ith these in fo rm a l
controls ra th e r th an to use continuously o r on im pulse, and to le a rn from
dru g -u sin g peers ways o f keep in g use u n der control and consequences o f
im m o derate use. M oderate users also ten d to have interests, relatio n sh ip s
an d responsibilities th a t hold a m ore ce n tral place in th e ir lives th a n does
d ru g use (D uncan & Gold, 1985).
Th e patterns o f in fre q u e n t use th a t are characteristic fo r psychedelic
drugs seem to be p a rtic u la rly rep res en tativ e o f th is type o f user. I t is
c e rta in ly possible to use psychedelic drugs in a w ay th a t is d is ru p tiv e to
50
the tasks o f d a ily life , b u t th e phenomenon o f ra p id ly developing “tolerance”
to th e effects o f psychedelic drugs, w hich m ig h t m ore p ro p erly be described
as ta c h y p h y la x is , or rap id im m u n ization, prevents even th e m ost
determ ined user from experiencing th e ir effects on a d a ily basis.
Populations o f psychedelic users whose use occurs in a stru ctu red
en viron m ent present excellent exam ples o f m oderate use th a t is shaped by
convention and ritu a l.
S tru ctu red use
The most outstanding exam ple o f such a stru ctu red environm ent is
the N a tiv e A m erican C hurch (N A C ), w hich has chapters throughout the
U n ite d S tates, w ith n e a rly 100 chapters in th e N avajo reservatio n alone.
Peyote is th e sacram ent o f th e N A C , and church ceremonies or Peyote
M eetings m ay be called to cure a sick person, to bless a ch ild , or to
welcome someone home o r to pray fo r someone's safety d u rin g trav el.
O th er common reasons fo r "p u ttin g up a M eeting" are to honor a b irth , a
w edding or an achievem ent such as a graduation or th e b u ild in g o f a new
home, or a special day, p a rtic u la rly M other's D ay. The a ll n ig h t ceremony
is in tric a te ly d etailed, and th ere are specific roles, im plem ents, songs,
prayers and sacred m om ents th a t stru ctu re the ten to tw elve hour ritu a l.
P a rticip an ts are discouraged from fa llin g in to reverie, and in stead are
expected to atten d to th e songs and prayers o f th e group. In th e m orning,
the group eats a cerem onial b reakfast together, ta lk in g am ongst
them selves in a respectful, affectionate tone. C hurch m em bers m ay keep
and use Peyote a t home as a pow erful herb al resource fo r firs t aid and
fa m ily h e a lth m atters, b u t psychedelic doses are alm ost never consumed
except in a cerem onial context (Anderson, 1980; S m ith & Snake, 1996;
S te w a rt, 1987).
51
T h ere are F ed eral protections from prosecution for mem bers of th e
N A C , b u t only fo r those who can prove th e ir 25% q u an tum o f N ative
A m erican blood. Some N A C chapters and p a rtic u la r Road M en, or
cerem onial leaders, p e rm it the p articip atio n o f n o n-Indians, b u t most do
not. The Peyote W ay Church o f God, founded in th e e a rly 1960's as an a ll
race church, was started by N A C m em bers because o f th e issue o f blood
quantum . Its sacram ent is also Peyote, b u t its ritu a ls are q u ite d ifferen t
from the N A C .
In N ew Y o rk, the Tem ple o f th e T ru e In n e r L ig h t, w hich also traces
its origins to th e N A C , has used di-propyl try p ta m in e (D P T ) as its
sacram ent fo r th e la s t 20 years. D P T is closely re la te d to psilocybin b u t is
not a controlled substance. Tem ple follow ers reg ard D P T as its e lf divine,
as d istin ct from being sim ply a w ay to access th e re a lm o f the divine. D P T
ingestion, according to the Tem ple, allow s d irect com m unication w ith
spirits. Services, w hich are conducted in the Tem ple for in divid uals or
sm all groups, consist o f smoking D P T w h ile lis te n in g to taped Bible
readings (L y ttle , 1988).
Two church groups w ith origins in the A m azon, U n iao do Vegetal
and Santo D aim e m ake use o f a psychedelic te a co ntaining th e plants
B a n isteriopsis ca a p i, which conta in s th e active in g red ie n t harm ine, and

P sychotria virid is, w hich provides D M T (O tt, 1994). E ach o f these has
branches in N o rth A m erica in w hich celebrants p a rtic ip a te in a ritu a l th a t
blends C h ris tia n ity , sp iritualism and tra d itio n a l p la n t sham anism
(M etzn er, 1999). M a n y N o rth Am ericans have m ade pilgrim ages to
congregations in B ra z il and Ecuador to p a rtic ip a te in church services, or
have visited tra d itio n a l ayahuasca healers or cu ran deros (H a rris o n ,
1999). The B ra z ilia n Federal Narcotics Council (C O N F E N ), a departm ent
52
o f th e M in is try o f Ju stice, has researched and approved th e use o f
auyhuasca w ith in a stru ctu re d religious context, and has concluded th a t
there a re no d e trim e n ta l m e n ta l, physical o r social effects from such use
(a v a ila b le at: h ttp ://w w w .u d v.o rg .b r/u d vp ag 0 2-in g .h tm ).
F o rm al stru ctu res fo r th e use o f psychedelics m ay also be provided
by groups organized fo r th e ra p e u tic or self-exploration purposes, ra th e r
th an as a s p iritu a l practice or church congregation. In T h e Secret C h ie f.
S to la ro ff (1 997 ) describes th e w o rk o f "Jacob" a c lin ic a l psychologist who,
in thousands o f group and in d iv id u a l th erap eu tic sessions in th e 1970's and
80's, developed m any o f th e techniques now being used in group
psychedelic sessions. R oger M arsd en (1999) is c u rre n tly conducting a
study o f p a rticip an ts and guides in th ree groups p resen tly using
psychedelics in a stru ctu re d , guided non-recreational fram ew o rk . These
groups a ll em ploy a com bination o f W estern psychotherapeutic technique
and sham anic h e alin g . M arsden's p re lim in a ry rep o rt in d icates th a t
p rep aratio n fo r and in te g ra tio n o f th e experience are s im ila r in a ll groups.
Groups and leaders d iffe r in th e substances used and th e form o f the
experience its e lf, such as th e use o f m usic or blindfolds o r th e k in d and
am ount o f in te ra c tio n w ith th e c lie n t du ring th e session. M arsd en has
noted a strong em phasis on transpersonal experience, regardless o f the
specific form in w hich th e session is conducted.
O th e r stru ctu red th e ra p e u tic uses o f th e psychedelics have
concentrated on to th e use o f a p a rtic u la r substance such as M D M A (Beck
& Rosenbaum , 1994; G re e r & T o lb e rt, 1986), allegiance to a p a rtic u la r
leader or th e ra p is t (F e lto n , 1972; T ru e h e a rt, 1992), o r p u rs u it o f a specific
objective such as th e in te rru p tio n o f addiction (K ru p its k y , 1992; Popik,
1995; S heppard, 1994)
53
P sychedelic social w orlds
Some o f th e social environm ents th a t have provided users w ith
d irect guidance on how psychedelics could o r should be used have been fa r
less fo rm a l th a n the religious and th erap e u tic contexts discussed above.
T h re e in fo rm a l social w orlds th a t developed p a rtic u la rly w e ll-a rtic u la te d
or w id ely accepted perspectives on th e use o f psychedelics, and w h ich have
co ntrib uted to th e "set" or a ttitu d e s and expectations o f m any psychedelic
d ru g users, have been th e League for S p iritu a l Discovery, th e M e rry
P ran ksters and The F arm .
Th e H a rv a rd Psychedelic Research P roject and th e League fo r
S p iritu a l Discovery, o f w hich T im o th y L e a ry , R ichard A lp e rt and R alp h
M e tz n e r w ere th e prin cipal designers, w ere th e center o f w h a t is probably
th e best know n o f these social w orlds. B eginning w ith th e H a rv a rd
experim ents w ith psilocybin (G ordon, 1963; W e il, 1963), and vario u sly
relocated to th e Zihuatenejo, M exico C en ter fo r T ran sp erso n ative L iv in g
(D ow ning, 1964), the C am bridge, M assachusetts offices o f th e In te rn a tio n a l
Fo un dation fo r In te rn a l Freedom (IF IF ) (B ieb erm an , 1967a), and th e
C a s ta lia Foundation's V ic to ria n m ansion on the M ellon-H itchcock estate in
M illb ro o k N ew Y o rk (K leps, 1975), the League was visited, w ritte n about,
derided, em ulated, adm ired and persecuted as one o f th e p rin c ip a l and
m ost visib le exponents o f "the psychedelic m ovem ent." The League's
leaders, th e groups th a t g ra v ita te d to th e ir centers, and m any others who
w ere influenced by th e ir ideas even in th e absence o f an y d irec t contact,
attem p ted to combine B uddhist and H in d u cosmology and some elem ents o f
W estern psychology in using psychedelics to "break set" by changing long-
established behavior p attern s (L e a ry , 1968). Th is m odel em phasized
plan n ed , stru ctu red and guided psychedelic experiences using m aps and
54
guidebooks based on classical texts d ealin g w ith variatio n s in states o f
consciousness (L eary, 1966b; L e a ry , M e tzn e r & A lp e rt, 1964).
A d istin ctly d iffe re n t approach to th e use and possibilities o f
psychedelics was represented by th e group th a t coalesced around w rite r
K en Kesey in C a lifo rn ia . T h e M e rry P ran ksters, as th is band o f school-bus-
rid in g eccentrics was collectively called, was fa m ilia r w ith the realm s o f
consciousness discussed in E a s te rn scriptures b u t chose to approach them
w ith o u t pre-determ ined program s, m aps or guidance. T h e ir preference was
to rem ain poised between th e o rd in a ry and e x trao rd in ary realm s, nim b ly
sh iftin g th e ir w eight to ad just to th e dem ands o f th e im m ediate m om ent.
The P ranksters w ere exp erim en tin g w ith th e developm ent o f group m ind,
and th ey opened th e exp erim en t up to th e public by hosting the A cid Tests,
a series o f m u lti-m e d ia events fo r w hich the house band was The W arlocks,
a local group th a t soon a fte rw a rd changed its nam e to G ra te fu l D ead
(S cully & D alto n , 1996; W olfe, 1968). I t was th e ir perspective on how to
deal w ith a psychedelic experience — plunge in and take w h at comes, seek
new heights o f in ten sity and welcom e m anifestations of weirdness -- ra th e r
th an th e m ore sedate approach o f L e a ry and his follow ers, th a t dom inated
m any o f th e W est Coast social scenes in w hich psychedelics played
p rom in ent roles. M y own com m unal fa m ily , th e Hog F a rm , is an offshoot o f
the P ranksters, sh aring w ith th em several o rig in al m em bers and th e
practice o f tra v e lin g in converted school busses, am ong other things
(G rav y, 1974).
A th ird social w orld th a t provided a d istin ctive perspective on
"trip p in g instructions" was T h e F a rm , a group th a t began as a w eekly
class held in the H a ig h t A sh bury from 1968 to 1970. A t th e M onday N ig h t
Class, one o f T he Farm 's founders, Stephen G askin , spoke to crowds o f up
55
to several thousand about how the insights from psychedelic states could
be im plem ented to develop g reater honesty and understanding and a m ore
hum ane society. In 1970, 320 o f G askin's students jo in ed a school-bus
caravan th a t trav eled throughout th e U n ite d S tates, fin a lly se ttlin g in
S um m ertow n Tennessee (G askin, 1972). T h e F a rm holds th e psychedelic
plants to be sacram ental, and encourages eth ica l veganism , n a tu ra l
c h ild b irth , economic self-sufficiency, ecological su sta in a b ility and a
rejection o f anger, violence and in tim id a tio n as m eans o f problem solving.
C ollective evolution fostered by means o f a practice o f interpersonal
openness in w hich an y subject or aspect o f an in teractio n m ay be
com m ented upon or critiqued in the process o f b u ild in g com m unity. The
F a rm is a nondenom inational church, in w h ich m any o f the core teachings
are derived from insights obtained through th e use o f psychedelics.
M em bership in The F a rm has h isto rically req u ired a com m itm ent to
economic co llectivity, in w hich th e group's property is owned in common.
The population o f T h e F a rm has flu ctu ated over th e years, reaching a high
o f m ore th an 1200 in the early 1980's, w ith several s a te llite F a rm
settlem ents in other parts o f the U n ite d S tates and C en tra l A m erica.
A common aspect o f the m ental "set" advocated by a ll o f th e social
groups discussed here, whose perspectives on psychedelic drug use
developed in th e 1960's or early 1970's, is appreciation o f the p o ten tial o f
psychedelic drugs to produce in sigh t, overcome m en tal defenses and
fa c ilita te change. A ll o f these groups acknowledged th e possibility o f an
un pleasant or p a in fu l experience or "bad trip ," b u t these w ere accepted as
le g itim a te outcomes, often producing even tu al ben efit (B recher, 1972).
W h ile these groups continue to be in flu e n tia l for some people u n til the
present day, th ere is a tendency am ong la te r and cu rren t users to p refer a
56
d iffe re n t "set." M any contem porary users ta k e psychedelics solely fo r fun,
and ta k e steps to m inim ize th e likelih o o d o f an uncontrollable, unpleasant
or frig h te n in g experience by using s m a ll doses in s tim u la tin g en viron m ents
th a t do not encourage introspection (C ohen, 1985).
T h e college drug scene
F o r m any of the young people w ho firs t used psychedelic drugs in th e
1960's and 70's, a college campus, ra th e r th a n a s p iritu a l or
co u n tercu ltu ral com m unity, was th e social center o f th e ir d ru g use. The
status o f psychedelic drug use am ong young people, and college students in
p a rtic u la r, as "one of the m ost u rg en t an d controversial subjects o f [the]
tim e" (Young & Hixson, 1966, p. 194) led to th e publication o f several
po pu lar and sensational books about "the am azin g p ills , p lan ts and
chem icals th a t [were] creatin g headlines an d causing a revo lu tio n in the
th in k in g o f an en tire generation" (C ash m an , 1966, p. i;. G o ldstein, 1966).
A g rea t m any surveys attem p ted to estim ate th e prevalence o f
psychedelic d ru g use in p a rtic u la r colleges o r a t specific tim es. W ide
va ria tio n s in methodology m ake these studies d iffic u lt to com pare, and a
p a rtic u la rly vexing problem is introduced by th e inclusion o f m a riju a n a
and phencyclidine in the category o f "hallucinogens" by some, b u t not a ll, o f
these surveys. Composite d a ta from an an alysis o f th e use, d is trib u tio n an d
control o f psychedelic drugs th a t in clud ed phencyclidine b u t excluded
m a riju a n a suggested th a t n atio n w id e prevalence o f college s tu d e n t usage
was about 16-18% in 1971 (G a llu p , 1972; Goode, 1972; M c G lo th lin , 1974).
Studies th a t attem pted to ch aracterize campus d ru g use and groups
o f student users tended to focus p rim a rily e ith e r on users' personal
ch aracteristics (F arn sw o rth , 1967; K e n isto n , 1968-69; N o w lis, 1969), or on
social factors associated w ith p a rtic u la r p a tte rn s o f use. T h e la rg e n u m b er
57
o f ch aracteristics and social factors considered suggests th e w ide v a rie ty
o f social w orlds o f campus psychedelic d ru g users o f th e 1960's and 1970's.
G o ldstein, G leason & K orn (1 9 7 5 ), fo r exam ple id en tified "career" effects
in v o lv in g user's past experiences w ith p a rtic u la r drugs and fu tu re desires
fo r d ru g use, and "Zeitgeist" effects p a rtic u la r to a geographic location,
specific tim e period or stage o f su b -cu ltu ral developm ent a t w hich drugs
w ere used. B irth cohort also tended to have an im pact on psychedelic drug
use, w ith younger cohorts being stead ily m ore lik e ly to use psychedelics in
populations born betw een 1944 and 1954 (O 'D o n n ell, Voss, C layton, S la tin
& Room , 1976).
L ite ra tu re Specific to th e Topic
A "R a tio n a l V iew "
In th e la te 1960's, w hen psychedelic drugs and th e ir users w ere a
topic o f g re a t in te re s t in th e popular press, a new m edical jo u rn a l, the
J o u rn a l o f Psychedelic D rugs (J P D ), was launched to address the issues
and controversies th a t arose in a tte m p tin g to provide m edical, psychiatric
and social services for increasing num bers o f psychedelic drug users. The
in a u g u ra l issue included a paper com pleted th e ye ar before by W illia m
M c G lo th lin , professor o f psychiatry a t U C L A , as p a rt o f one o f the firs t
studies o f long la s tin g effects o f psychedelic drugs and th e ir social
im p lic atio n s . In th is a rtic le , "A R atio n a l V ie w o f H allucinogenic Drugs,"
M c G lo th lin (1 966 ). attem pted to counteract some o f w h at he called th e "act
now, th in k la te r" (p. 101) approach to psychedelics, in w hich unfounded
fears and pu blic in stin ct, strongly influenced by th e sensationalized reports
in th e p o p u la r press, w ere beginning to produce "a highly predictable
response to social problem s in th e U n ite d S tates — panic and hasty
leg islatio n " (p .111 ).
58
W h ile accepting th a t th e most s trid e n t critics o f th e use o f
psychedelics w ere those had no personal experience o f th e drugs' effects,
M c G lo th lin debunked a b e lie f w id ely held am ong LS D enthusiasts o f th e
tim e th a t anyone who would sim ply take L S D would concur as to its
benefits. H e pointed out th a t those who chose to use psychedelics w ere
d ifferen t from th e m a jo rity o f th e ir detractors by v irtu e o f th e ir a ttra c tio n
to the drugs' capacity to produce changes in attitu d es, values and beliefs.
A person who was actively seeking a change or a t least open to the
possibility, M c G lo th lin argued, was m uch m ore read ily influenced th a n one
who was strongly com m itted to a set o f beliefs and goals.
Thus, young people who w ere not y e t strongly com m itted to c u ltu ra l
norm s, and those older people who w ere alrea d y seeking change, or who
had and ex istin g introspective in te re s t in relig ion, psychotherapy, or th e
enhancem ent o f c re a tiv ity , w ere m uch m ore lik e ly to be d raw n to the
psychedelics, and to m odify th e ir view s and behaviors in response to
psychedelic insights. O n th e other hand, M c G lo th lin pointed out,
H ig h ly stru ctu red , p ractical, conform ing, outw ard-oriented people are
very u n lik e ly to be a ttra cte d to [psychedelic] drugs. E xp e rim e n ta l
evidence has shown th a t such people tend to be u n w illin g to try the
drugs, respond very m in im a lly i f th ey do p articip ate, and do not rep o rt
any la s tin g effects from the experience (p. 102)
For those who w ere su fficien tly a ttra cte d to th e psychedelics to try th em on
th e ir own, how ever, th e m ost consistent p a tte rn of effects produced by the
experience included lessening concern over status and com petitiveness,
decreased em phasis on achievem ent, and dim inished in te re s t in m a te ria l
possessions.
59
The social im p licatio n s o f these changes w ere no t clear in 1966.
M cG lo th lin speculated th a t th e capacity o f th e psychedelics to shape
attitu d es and personalities m ig h t produce social w ith d ra w a l and a refu sal
o f responsibility in some persons, w h ile in others it m ig h t be in teg rated into
a self-directed life in w hich th e h isto ric user would contribute to th e social
order in ways th a t w ere in fo rm ed by his o r h e r psychedelic-influenced
values and beliefs. M c G lo th lin 's assessment was th a t th e source o f
psychedelic drugs' m ost s ig n ific a n t social im pact w ould not be th e b u rn in g
concerns o f th e day, such as th e possibility o f im m ed iate psychotic
reactions, sensational and po orly supported speculation about possible
genetic dam age, or v iv id an d a tte n tio n -g e ttin g fashion statem ents. In stead,
he suggested, the m ost im p o rta n t aspect o f these controversial substances
would tu rn out to be th e ir cap acity to produce both d isru p tive and
adjustive changes in p erso n alities and goals.
T h eo retical understandings.
A lthough M c G lo th lin w as able to sum m arize r_nd analyze the
contem porary drug scene w ith a level o f o b jectivity and detachm ent th a t
was rem arkab le fo r its tim e , he was un clear about th e significance o f his
observations for th e fu tu re . W h ile he saw d isaffliatio n and discontent w ith
the status quo as an u n derstand ab le p a rt o f the grow th and developm ent of
young adults who w ere using psychedelics, he found it "more d iffic u lt to
visualize a s im ila r group in th e ir forties" (M c G lo th lin , 1966, p. 111).
M cG lo th lin was not alone in his perp lexity. Jo nathan Cole and
M a rtin K a tz, tw o senior scientists assigned to m onitor psychedelic
research a t th e Psychopharm acology Service C en ter o f th e N a tio n a l
In s titu te s o f H e a lth described th e "uses and misuses" o f psychedelics in a
1964 artic le in th e Jo u rn al o f th e A m erican M edical A ssociation. I f
60
a ttitu d e s , values and goals w ere affected by psychedelic experiences, th ey
stated , it was im possible to evalu ate the "goodness or badness o f th e

changes w hich occur, i f any" except as a valu e ju d g m en t (p . 184). W h ile
th e y acknow ledged th a t "in dividu als who ta ke drugs lik e L S D e ith e r
illic itly or as th e ra p y m ay become m ore detached from re a lity or less
concerned w ith th e re a l w o rld , [or] m ore 'transcendental,'" (p. 184) th e y
b a lked a t a tte m p tin g to define outcomes a ttrib u te d to psychedelic in sig h ts
such as changing one's job to a low er-paid b u t m ore sa tisfyin g one,
divorcin g one's spouse, or becom ing less concerned w ith success and
com petition as e ith e r positive or negative (Cole & K a tz, 1964). In th e
re c e n tly com pleted fo rty -y e a r follow -up o f D r. A rth u r Jan ig er's research
subjects, m ore th a n one th ird o f those surveyed reported th a t changes such
as these produced lo ng-term benefits from th e ir LS D experiences (D o b lin e t
a l., 1999).
E ven those who w ere m ost optim istic about th e p o te n tia l benefits o f
psychedelic-induced change recognized th a t th e effo rt to b rin g back an d
ap p ly to one's life w h a t had been learned from psychedelics w as
ch allen g in g (B ieberm an, 1967b). P a rtic u la rly fo rm idable was th e ta s k o f
"fin d in g ways o f providin g fo r one's m a te ria l needs th a t a re w o rth w h ile and
can be engaged in honestly" (B ieberm an, 1968, p. 8). O th ers co n fid en tly
expected th a t those who w ere experim en ting w ith psychedelics in th e I9 6 0 '
s and 7 0 's w ould soon move in to positions o f leadership in society w h ere
th ey w ould be w e ll situ ated to actualize th e ir psychedelic experiences and
in sigh ts (S chneider, 1967). Society and its norm s, in th is view , w o uld be
forced to change to accommodate th e attitu d es and preferences o f its
upcom ing e lite and educated youth, including those achieved th ro u g h
psychedelic d ru g use.
61
B oth those who feared and deplored the possible long-range effects o f
psychedelics and those who th o u g h t th a t th ey would b rin g about a
ben eficial eth ica l revo lution acknowledged th a t the changes produced by
psychedelics w ould not m an ifest im m ed iately, and th a t th e constraints of
o rd in a ry life could not be sim ply shrugged o ff overnight as was suggested
by th e slogan "T urn on, Tu ne in , D ro p out." L isa B ieberm an described the
function o f the psychedelics in th e s p iritu a l and eth ical life o f th e user as "to
aw aken and to rem ind" (B ieberm an, 1968, p. 10). B ieberm an speculated
th a t some users w ould spontaneously abandon th e use o f psychedelics a fte r
being aw akened to th e states o f awareness encountered w ith th e ir use,
p re fe rrin g to fin d th e ir rem inders elsew here. O thers, she said, w ould
re tu rn to psychedelic experiences throughout th e ir lives for d irectio n and
as m ilestones or m arkers in th e ir continuing developm ent (B ieberm an,
1968).
I t was clear to both adherents and detractors o f psychedelics th a t,
except for those who m ade a d rastic b rea k w ith the past fo llow ing th e ir
psychedelic experiences, th e re tu rn to established ro u tin e m ig h t grad ually
erode any new insights or a ttitu d e s , a process th a t Sidney Cohen called
"regression back to th e ch aractero lo g ical mean" (Cohen, 1969, p. 79).
Cohen m ain tain ed th a t, w h ile psychedelic-induced changes in aspirations,
in terests and values w ere a p o ssib ility for some users, "most often th ey
never occur, or are tra n s ie n t w hen th ey do" (p. 79), w ith th e persistence of
change being determ ined by th e rew ards and punishm ents produced by
new behaviors and attitu d es .
Schneider (1967), one o f th e m ore optim istic psychedelic theorists of
th e 1960's, predicted th a t th e re w ould be generally little im m ediate or
vis ib le change produced even in th e lives o f those who claim ed to have had
62
th e m ost m oving experiences w ith psychedelics. H e m ain tain ed , however,
th a t extensive changes could take place in the user's personality over tim e,
as th e experience was in teg rated into th e in divid ual's value system and
form ed a basis for a new ethical relationship w ith the w orld. Th e old
re a lity , he suggested, w ould be conditioned by the new experience in ways
th a t w ere more easily fe lt th an seen.
"On the use and abuse o f LSD"
In a sem inal artic le, "On the use and abuse o f LSD ," D a n iel
Freedm an (1968) sum m arized the questions and speculations o f the late
1960's about how LS D w ould effect the fu tu re lives o f its th e n very visible
users. Freedm an suggested th a t there w ere two obvious featu res o f
psychedelic drug experiences. The firs t he described as "portentousness:"
T h e capacity o f the m ind see more th a n it can te ll, to experience more
th a n it can explicate, to believe in and be im pressed by m ore th an it
can ra tio n a lly ju s tify , to experience boundlessness and "boundaryless"
events (p. 331).
T h e dim ension o f portentousness, according to Freedm an, w hen
experienced under the influence of psychedelics has a "com pellingly vivid"
sense o f truthfulness.
T h e second fe atu re o f psychedelic experiences as described by
F reedm an is th e contrast between the realm o f seem ingly incontrovertible
tr u th uncovered by the experience o f portentousness and th e "orderly rules
o f evidence" th a t govern the rest of one's life . Freedm an postulated th a t
th is contrast was "m ultipo ten tial"(p. 332). D epending upon w h a t aspect of
th e experience the user and his social environm ent cboose to em phasize,
th e experience m igh t be dismissed as a curious m om ent o f access to a
b arrag e o f no rm ally useless perceptions, o r m ig h t b rin g about some
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sig n ifican t change in the user's a ttitu d e s , beliefs and values. The eventual
outcome o f th e experience could be a typ e o f relig ious conversion, an
increase o f in s ig h t leading to creative breakth ro u g h s, an a lte ra tio n in th e
users' ethics and behavior, s p iritu a l e x a lta tio n a k in to th e B uddhist
description o f sa m a d h i, or madness.
A ccording to Freedm an, in a b ility o r u n w illin gn ess to continue one's
life according to availab le c u ltu ra l styles m ig h t cause an in d ivid u al who
has had a deeply convincing portentous experience to "tu rn aw ay form th e
prosaic w o rld ~ or else [be] tu rn ed aw ay by society" (p. 33 3) Freedm an
explained th is reaction to th e experience o f portentousness as a
consequence o f a "loss o f in te g ra l sta b ility " th a t w as fe lt as "anxiety and
dyscontrol." H e suggested th a t th e "dying o f th e ego," as th is experience
was o ften described, m ig h t lea d psychedelic d ru g users to "develop poor
p ractical habits" as a re s u lt o f an "experience o f com pelling im m ediacy
[that] dim inishes th e im portance o f past and fu tu re " (p. 333).
E xperiences o f m ystical states
M a n y e a rly researchers noted th e s im ila ritie s in th e content o f
experiences catalyzed or provoked by s p iritu a l disciplines and those
produced by psychedelics, as w e ll as some n o tab le differences (G rof, 1970;
H a rm a n , 1963; Savage, 1962; S m ith , 1964; T e r r ill, 1962; U nger, 1963;
V an D u sen , 1961). Experiences o f "portentousness" or boundarylessness
described by these researchers shared m an y ch aracteristics w ith m ystical
states as described in W . T . Stace's (1 9 6 0 ) extensive studies o f m ysticism .
W a lte r H ouston C la rk (1 9 6 9 ), a theologian w ho studied th e significance o f
psychedelic drugs to relig io n , conducted an e ig h t-y e a r study in w hich he
observed or helped to "guide" 175 psychedelic experiences in experim en tal
settings and in terview ed 200 persons w ho h ad used psychedelics. C la rk
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found th a t an im p o rta n t aspect o f psychedelic drugs was th e ir a b ility to
act as a "releaser o f profound religious experience o f an ecstatic and
m ystical n a tu re in m any persons who would otherw ise n ever dream th a t
th ey had th e capacity [for such an experience]" (p. 90).
In tra d itio n a l cu ltu res and s p iritu a l disciplines in w h ich experiences
o f self-transcendence are sought and welcomed, specific exercises in
p u rific a tio n and s e lf d iscip lin e freq u en tly are used to prep are adherents fo r
these experiences. W h ile some o f those who had tra n s fo rm a tiv e psychedelic
experiences m igh t have been prepared fo r the event by life experiences o f
self-surrender and s e lf developm ent, or by specific guidance offered b y a
stru ctu red environm ent o f use, fo r others, the w o rk o f c u ltiv a tin g in s ig h t,
com m itm ent and e q u a n im ity th a t is involved in th e p rep aratio n o f m any
religious m ystics for ecstatic experience would be u n d e rta k e n only la te r
(K u n g u rtsev, 1994; K u r tz , 1963; S tolaro ff, 1999). Some contem porary
s p iritu a l teachers regard th e use o f psychedelics as an in itia to ry
experience, one th a t can in s till a th irs t to re tu rn to the "profound and
com pelling states th a t come th ro u g h psychedelics" (F o rte, 1997, p. 121 )
J e rry G arcia o f G ra te fu l D ead , a noted "psychonaut," described th is effect

in a R o llin g Stone in te rv ie w : "Nobody," he claim ed, "stopped t h in k in g about
those psychedelic experiences. Once you've been to those places, you th in k
'H ow can I get back th e re ag ain , b u t m ake it a little easier on myself?'"
(Goodm an, 1989, p. 73)
S idney Cohen (1 9 7 8 ) noted th a t tran sfo rm ative m ystical and
religious ecstasies and experiences induced by the h ig h er dosage ranges o f
psychedelic drugs had "m any s im ila ritie s and ve ry few differences" (p.
325). H e described these experiences as a form o f "unsanity" ch aracterized
by a sense o f "in teg ratio n o f one's universe and oneself' (p. 32 5) th a t was
65
considered by m any to be a su p erla tive state of aw areness. Cohen pointed
ou t th a t, as transcendental experiences w ere understood and described by
s p iritu a l teachers in whose trad itio n s th ey were w ell know n, th ey
them selves w ere not the goal. In stead , he said, th ey w ere a pow erful
op po rtu nity to u n learn old behaviors. T h e crucial problem seemed to be
how the determ ination to change behavior th a t was fe lt a fte r "chem ical
tran scendental states" could be perpetuated.
P sychiatric in te rp re ta tio n s
W estern psychiatry has m ost freq u en tly described th e states o f
consciousness experienced by m any psychedelic drug users in term s o f
m adness. Psychedelic experiences have been characterized as a type o f
perceptual poisoning in w hich ju d g m en t and the a b ility to in te rp re t
sensory in p u t is im paired, and th e re s u ltin g toxic state o f consciousness is
m isin terp rete d as a tran spersonal or consciousness-expan d in g experience
(S arw er-F o n er, 1972a; S arw er-F o n er, 1972b). The tendency o f psychedelic
dru g users to describe th e ir experiences as in effable has been a ttrib u te d to
regression to in fa n tile states before th e developm ent o f speech, and
perceptions o f the w orld as an interconnected whole regarded as evidence
o f tem poral lobe dysfunction (O s tro w , 1968).
Im p a irm e n t o f re a lity testin g and diffusion o f th e boundaries o f the
s e lf have been said to be th e basis o f illusions of cosmic u n ity (B la c k e r et
a l., 1968). The users' sense o f personal id e n tity is thought to be distu rb ed
(B arro n , J a rv ik & B u n n ell, 1964), and defense m echa n ism s disorganized

(B ercel, 1962), causing users to experience destab ilizatio n o f expected
perceptual constancies in re la tio n to th e s e lf and the environm ent.
P sych iatry has in terp rete d th is experience as h ig h ly m alad ap tive ,
productive o f eccentric and im p ractica l behaviors th a t im p a ir goal-directed
66
efficiency in everyday activities (Freedm an, 1968), and often responsible
for th e em ergence fro m th e unconscious o f repressed m a te ria l,
p rec ip itatin g fra n k psychosis (Cohen, 1985).
In te rp re ta tio n s from o th er c u ltu ra l fram es
O thers have organized and understood th e reported effects o f
psychedelic drugs d iffe re n tly , resu ltin g in a q u ite d ifferen t in te rp re ta tio n of
the n a tu re and possibilities o f the experience produced. Fo r exam ple, in the
conventional psychiatric in terp reta tio n s psychedelic dru g are u s u ally
understood to im p a ir re a lity testing, allow in g intra-psychic perceptions to
be accepted as "real" w ith o u t reference to concrete e x te rn a l evidence, in
contradiction o f consensual versions o f re a lity . A n a lte rn a tiv e view w ould
consider th a t the adequacy o f "rea lity testing" m ay be re la tiv e to the
re a lity tested (C alabrese, 1997). C onventional contem porary W estern
conceptions o f "reality" hold th a t social life and the ex tern a l m a te ria l,
po litical and economic w orld and its structures are re a l, and th a t
transpersonal, m ystical, s p iritu a l or religious dim ensions are ephem eral
and illu sory. O u r c u ltu ra l preference fo r those re alities perceived by th e
senses defines th e acknow ledgm ent o f o ther realities as abnorm al
(O beyesekere, 1990).
In m any o th er societies and h isto rical m om ents, how ever, aspects o f
re a lity other th a n th e concrete and m a te ria l have been consensually
validated and in tersu b jectively understood to be "reed." The m aintenance of
ego boundaries, fo r exam ple, em phasized as a characteristic o f a w e ll-
adapted and fu nction al W esterner, is th e s tu ff o f illu sio n and m aya in
H in d u and B uddhist cultures (K a k a r, 1981). In this view , the direct
experience o f s e lf id e n tity as in teg rated in to an im perishable whole is
evidence o f adequate re a lity testing.
67
D ire c t and com pelling experiences o f a lte rn a tiv e re a litie s th a t one
has never before glim psed m ay reasonably produce changes one's basic
w orld view . The logical consequence o f exposure to and acceptance o f
m u ltip le levels o f re a lity is an increased tolerance for am big uity, and a
s h ift in basic beliefs to encompass possibilities beyond the usual, ra tio n a l
and concrete. Changes in behavior and a ttitu d e based on altered
perceptions o f th e n a tu re o f re a lity could thus be constructed as fu n ctio n al
adaptations ra th e r th a n evidence o f a delusional or psychotic state. Th e
reg rettab le tendency to assess alte ra tio n s o f belief, behavior and a ttitu d e
evidenced by those who have experienced "dissolution o f ego boundaries" or
a sense o f the universe as a single w hole solely as psychiatric
sym ptom atology m ay be understood as a product o f specific c u ltu ra l
preferences, in contrast w ith th e valu e placed on experiences o f sim ila r
states o f consciousness in m an y other h um an societies.
Research on psvcho-social effects
E xis tin g research on th e long-range effects o f psychedelics has
attem p ted to q u a n tify lo n g -term changes in personality, a ttitu d e s , valu es,
esthetic in terests, com m unication, response to stress, ch aracter defenses
and general social in sig h t. E a rly researchers w ere struck by th e la rg e
percentages o f n o rm al subjects o f L S D research who claim ed subjective
changes in these areas, a fte r even a single LS D session (Cohen, 1960b;
Cohen, 1968a; M c G lo th lin , 1985; T e rrill, 1962). E ven for these
researchers, how ever, “objective co n firm atio n ” o f these claim s was m ore
d iffic u lt to obtain.
M cW illiam s and T u ttle (1 973 ) review ed the lite ra tu re on
psychological effects o f L S D and found th a t m ost o f th e studies th ey
exam ined could be easily critic ized fo r poor methodology. F o r exam ple,
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some o f th e 67 reports th ey review ed fa ile d to m ake such basic distinctions
as th a t betw een an unpleasant d ru g experience and a long-term adverse
effect. Th ey w ere, however, able to id e n tify an exceptional group o f
“u n u s u ally clean and w ell-planned studies” (M c W illia m s & T u ttle , 1973, p.
342) in v e s tig a tin g th e areas o f psychological fu nction ing affected by LS D ,
in clu d in g those by D itm a n , T ie tz , P rin ce, F o rg y & Moss, 1968; M c G lo th lin ,
Cohen & M c G lo th lin , 1966; M c G lo th lin , Cohen & M cG lo th lin , 1967;
Savage, F a d im a n , M ogar & H ughes A lle n , 1966; and Shagass & B ittle ,
1967. These studies w ill be discussed here in d e ta il, as they rep resen t the
best docum ented existing th eory about long-range psychedelic effects.
In a 1968 study, D itm a n and his colleagues compared th e d ru g
experiences o f illic it users o f estim ated doses o f from 75-1500pg o f L S D .
T h ree groups w ere studied, tw o o f w h ich h ad needed psychiatric care a fte r
th e ir L S D experiences. Th e m a jo rity o f th e non-clinical subjects, G roup 1,
w ere em ployed and described as "functioning” a t th e tim e o f th e study.
G roup 2 w ere also m ostly em ployed, b u t h ad applied for o u tp a tie n t
psych iatric care, and Group 3 had been h o sp italized follow ing th e ir
psychedelic experiences. M a n y in G roup 3 w ere unem ployed. A ll groups
had had m u ltip le LS D experiences. P atie n ts w ho had needed no th erap y
and w ere "functioning” and em ployed a t th e tim e o f testing described
essen tially b eneficial and in s ig h tfu l L S D experiences. The groups req u irin g
psych iatric care described fa r m ore u n p le asa n t experiences, in clu d in g
fears o f d eath and in san ity, depression, p a ra n o ia and despair. T h ey
concluded th a t "unstable, uncom m itted in d iv id u a ls who take th e d ru g in a
s e ttin g w ith o u t m edical su p p o rt a n d p ro te ctio n ” [italics orig inal] (p. 460)
w ere lik e ly to experience ill effects. T h ey suggested th a t the “to x ic ity ” of
L S D m ig h t be psychological ra th e r th a n organic, and LS D m ig h t offer
69
po ten tial va lu e fo r controlled research and “in vestig atio n o f th e potentials
o f the m ind” (D itm a n et al., 1968, p. 471)
Shagass & B ittle (1967) investigated th e assum ption th a t th e degree
o f in sig h t experienced by L S D -trea ted p atien ts is related to favorable
behavioral change. A n in sig h tfu l response to L S D tre a tm e n t was defined
as an experience o f early m em ories w ith a lte re d perceptions o f
relationships in the w orld and fresh un derstand ing o f th e cu rren t situation .
In addition, as a consequence o f these new understandings, th ere m ust be
“a convincing resolution to change fu tu re behavior” (Shagass & B ittle ,
1967, p. 47 1). T w e n ty psychiatric patien ts who h ad received a larg e dose
o f LSD w ere evaluated a t six and tw elve p o st-treatm en t m onths. They
w ere divided in to responders, who had displayed an im m ediate in sig h tfu l
response to L S D , and non-responders who fa ile d to do so. Th ey w ere
compared to a m atched group o f controls who h ad a ll received system atic
psychotherapy. L S D -trea ted p atien ts w ere s ig n ific a n tly m ore im proved
th an the controls, although only one-sixth o f th e L S D group had received
psychotherapy. L S D responders w ere m ore im proved in sym ptom s and
behavioral m anifestations th an non-responders a t six po st-treatm en t
m onths, b u t tended to relapse th e re a fte r, w h ile L S D non-responders
showed progressive im provem ent from six to tw e lve m onths post
tre a tm e n t. Th e researchers asked, b u t did not answ er, th e in trig u in g
question: “C an one LS D experience fa c ilita te perso n ality grow th over a
long subsequent period o f tim e, even though th ere is little im m ediate
behavioral change?” (Shagass & B ittle , 1967, p. 476-7).
In studies conducted by Savage, F a d im a n , M o gar and H ughes A llen
(1966), 77 vo lu n teer subjects w ith stable life situation s received a single
high-dose L S D session. A lthough tw o -th ird s o f th e sam ple w ere described
70
as “typ ical psychiatric o u tp a tie n ts ,” th e other th ird w ere said to be
“re la tiv e ly w ell adjusted" (Savage e t a l., 1966, p. 249). T h e volunteers
were assessed a t adm ission to th e study w ith the M M P I, th e In terperso nal
Check L is t, th e V a lu e - B e lie f Q -S o rt, and a clinical evalu atio n s im ila r to
those used to assess psychotherapy outcomes. These m easures w ere
repeated a t tw o m onths and six m onths post-session. A th re e - to four-hour,
332-item B eh avio r C hange In te rv ie w was adm inistered six to nine m onths
a fte r LS D tre a tm e n t. In th e ir in tervie w s, clinical subjects described
positive changes re la te d to th e ir diagnostic categories. T h e non-clinical
sample claim ed m ore m ean ing and purpose in life , m ore aesthetic
sensitivity, and a sense o f oneness w ith n a tu re and h u m a n ity . Dogm atism
and the im portance o f status and m a te ria l possessions decreased in these
subjects. The researchers found th a t, w h ile clin ical ra tin g s , in terview s and
subjective reports o f th e n o n-clinical subjects reflected these effects, "the
orig inal b a tte ry o f objective assessm ent tests was re la tiv e ly insensitive to
these changes since th e y w ere designed fo r a clin ical population" (Savage
et al., 1966).
R atin g scales sp ecifically designed to assess th e psychological and
subjective effects o f psychedelic drugs w ere developed in 1955 by
Abram son and his colleagues, in 1958 by the A ddiction R esearch C en ter o f
the N a tio n a l In s titu te o f M e n ta l H e a lth (H ae rtzen & D ickey, 1987), and in
1962 by L in to n & Langs. Abram son's research group em phasized the
m easurem ent o f som atic sym ptom s such as dizziness, sw eating,
paresthesias and w eakness, and th e ir w o rk led to the developm ent o f the
A ddiction Research C en ter In v e n to ry (A R C I). T h e A R C I is organized into
scales th a t are designed to ra te th e acute effects o f drugs by comparison to
know n, previously scaled drugs. T h e L S D standardized scale against
71
w hich the A R C I m easures th e effects o f o th e r drugs is also called th e
"dysphoria scale," and em phasizes som atic sym ptom s and perceptual
alteratio n s (K a rc h , 1998). L in to n and Langs' (1962) scale was developed to
m easure a p rio ri categories o f experience based on psychoanalytic theories
o f th e effect of psychedelics. F o u r sections m easure such factors and loss o f
in h ib itio n , an xiety, e la tio n , body im age changes, loss o f m eaning, paranoid
id eation, and fe a r o f going crazy. A ll o f these th ree scales w ere developed
on psychedelic-naive volunteers, e ith e r paid m ale actors or prisoner
volunteers from a fe d eral detoxification program .
M ore recen tly, S trassm an, Q u alls, U le n h u th & K e lln e r (1994)
developed the H allu cin o g en R a tin g Scale (H R S ), a 1 2 6 -ite m question naire
based on in terview s w ith experienced users o f psychedelics about th e ir
perceptions of d ru g effects. W h ile i t was designed fo r use w ith any
psychedelic, the H R S has been used p rim a rily for n ,n -d im e th y ltrip ta m in e
(D M T ) research. In th e studies o f S trassm an and h is colleagues, th e H R S
was b e tte r able to d iscrim in ate differences in dosage in a single-drug,
w ithin-subjects design th a n w ere m easurem ents o f biologic variab les such
as p u p illa ry size, cardiovascular effects or rectal te m p e ra tu re . U n til th e
developm ent o f th e H R S th ere had been little or no new in s tru m e n t
developm ent th a t m ig h t serve to im prove th e m e a s u ra b ility o f psychedelic
effects, as th ere have been very few opportunities fo r fu rth e r research
follow ing the com pletion o f th e clin ical studies o f the 1960's and 1970's.
Long-range effects
The studies o f long-range L S D effects by M c G lo th lin , Cohen and
M c G lo th lin (1 966 ) have been singled out by previous review ers o f th is
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lite ra tu re to "represent the type o f research w ith th e greatest p o ten tial fo r
g en eratin g scientific know ledge o f the drug’s effects” (M cW illiam s & T u ttle ,
1973, p. 349). These studies w ere carried ou t over a 6 m onth period in
1964. In a study designed to m in im ize th e im p act o f "in tervenin g
va ria b le s” such as hypnotic su scep tib ility and baseline personality
differences, M c G lo th lin , Cohen and M c G lo th lin adm inistered three
e xp erim en tal sessions to th re e groups o f m ale psychology graduate
students. The exp erim en tal group received 200pg o f L S D , w ith th e two
control groups receivin g e ith e r 20 m g o f am ph etam in e or 25pg o f L S D . The
groups w ere exten sively pretested and m atched on six variables:
ju d g m en t-p ercep tio n scores, m a riju a n a experience, suggestibility,
expectations o f th e L S D experience, se n sin g -in tu itio n scores, and
know ledge o f hallucinogens. T h ey w ere p rep ared fo r th e sessions by
in terview s w ith a clin ica l psychologist, w h ich w ere intended to foster a
relaxed and accepting a ttitu d e to th e d ru g experience (M cG lo th lin e t al.,
1966).
T h e o rig in al group o f p o te n tia l subjects volunteered for a paid
exp erim en t w ith o u t p rio r know ledge o f th e n a tu re o f th e study. O f 155
volunteers, M M P I scores and screening fo r p a tien ts cu rre n tly in
psychotherapy o r h a vin g a fa m ily h isto ry o f psychosis elim in ated 28. The
M yers-B riggs Type In d ic a to r and A as’ H yp n o tic S u scep tibility test w ere
used to m atch exp erim en tal and control groups. The volunteers w ere then
in tervie w ed about th e ir know ledge o f “L S D an d o ther hallucinogens,” and
told th a t th ey m ig h t or m ig h t n o t receive L S D . S ix volunteers w ere
d isq u alified for p rio r psychedelic experiences. T w en ty-five m ore w ith d rew
because o f concerns about th e possible dangers o f L S D . S ix m ore subjects
from th e L S D group w ith d re w subsequently, th re e because o f pressure to
73
do so from a significant other, th re e because of an xiety reactions. A
seventh was term in ated by th e experim enters a fte r the firs t d ru g session
because o f “a prolonged u n re a lis tic reaction involving some paranoid
tendencies” (M cG lo th lin e t a l., 1966, p. 491)
A b a tte ry o f tests designed to measure personality, a ttitu d e and
perform ance changes w ere ad m in istered prior to the L S D sessions, and
again a t 2 weeks and 6 m onths follow ing the th ird session. Th e groups
w ere also interview ed a fte r fo rm al testing was completed a t six m onths,
and w ere asked for subjective reports o f change as a resu lt o f th e ir drug
experiences. F ifty eig ht percent o f the LS D group reported in these
in terview s th a t th e ir experience had some lasting effect, as opposed to 7%
o f controls. The m ost freq u en t re p o rt was of an increased appreciation for
a rt and m usic. About one th ird o f the LSD recipients reported decreased
an xie ty, a less m a te ria lis tic view po int, greater introspection and tolerance,
and other a ttitu d e and p erso n ality effects. Formed pre-and post measures
o f personality, perform ance, attitu d e s emd values such as C a tte ll’s
O b jective-A nalytic A n x iety B a tte ry , M o rris’s W ays-to-live test, Levinson’s
T ra d itio n a l F a m ily Ideology scale, the Sememtic D iffe re n tia l, th e
Rosenweig P ic tu re -F ru s tra tio n T e st o f Constructive Reasoning, th e
M arlow e-C row ne Socied D e s ira b ility scede, M ednick’s Rem ote Association
T est, and S everity o f Judgm ent scales were applied, b u t dem onstrated
only sm all differences betw een th e LS D and control groups (C ohen, 1968a;
M c G lo th lin et al., 1967; M c G lo th lin & Arnold, 1971). Tests fo r c re a tiv ity
including the B ulley A rt Scale, and the Graves Design Judgm ent te st also
reflected a “dichotom y betw een th e subjective im pression and objective
dem onstration o f change” (Cohen, 1969, p. 79). The experim enters found
sm all changes in the LS D recipients, bu t these w ere n e ith er s ta tis tic a lly
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significant, nor com parable w ith effects w id ely repo rted a t th e tim e by
“L S D enthusiasts” (M c G lo th lin e t a l., 1966, p. 499).
In exp lain in g these fin d in g s, th e experim enters stressed th e
difference in m otivation fo r L S D use between th e ex p erim en tal subjects
and illic it users or p a tien ts in th erap y. Because these lo n g -term outcome
studies used a population o f g rad u ate students, th e e x p e rim e n ta l subjects
w ere by d e fin itio n involved in a stru ctu red and goal-oriented program .
Th ey m ay have had little basic m o tivatio n fo r change com pared to persons
using LSD in self-exp erim en tatio n or in th erap y settings (M c G lo th lin e t a l.,
1966). Sidney Cohen (1 9 6 8 ) la te r reflected on th is exp erim en t, speculating
th a t:
Enormous insights are fre q u e n tly not follow ed by m odified p a tte rn s o f
behavior. A lthough th e fe e lin g o f vast in te rn a l a lte ra tio n s m ay be
sufficient to induce new w ays o f liv in g in a few instances, m ost L S D
conversions th en to be sh o rt liv ed unless reinforced w ith subsequent
reeducation (p. 42).
I t is also possible th a t th e m easures used m ay have poorly reflected th e
type and exten t of any psychedelic-induced change, o r th a t m easurable
changes occurred only a fte r th e six-m onth follow -up period had ended.
The end o f psychedelic d ru g research. W ritin g in 1965, A b ram
H o ffer expressed his dism ay w ith w h a t he suggested w ere excessively
cautionary statem ents ab o u t th e h a rm fu l p o ten tial o f psychedelic drugs
m ade by “repu tab le scientists who are forced to issue pseudo-scientific
statem ents in order to hid e th e ir desire to w o rk w ith these compounds”
(H o ffer, 1967). B y N ovem ber o f 1968, w hen H ah n em an n M e d ica l College
D ep artm en t o f P sychiatry sponsored w h at was described as a
com prehensive, m u ltid is c ip lin a ry sym posium on psychedelic drugs, th e
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sponsors suggested th a t th e in itia l fu ro r over psychedelic drugs had begun
to subside. W h ile i t was tru e th a t th e num ber o f popular articles and news
stories about psychedelics peaked in 1967, th e effects o f th e past few years
o f controversy w ere only beginning to be fe lt in the research en viron m ent.
T h is was reflected in the content o f th e H ah nem an n Sym posium its e lf, in
w h ich th e m a jo rity o f the papers presented d e a lt e ith e r w ith th e know n or
suspected h azard s o f psychedelic drugs, leg al issues re la te d to th e ir use, or
attem p ts by researchers studying th e ra p e u tic use to address vario us
sources o f d iffic u lty and em barrassm ent in th e ir w o rk (H icks & F in k ,
1969).
Few studies designed to address le g itim a te criticism s o f previous
research w ere subsequently perform ed. Th e series o f N IM H -fu n d e d studies
o f L S D th e ra p y th a t had begun in 1963 a t S p rin g S tate G rove H o s p ita l in
B a ltim o re , and la te r continued a t M a ry la n d P sychiatric R esearch C en ter
and the Johns H o p kin s U n iv e rs ity School o f M edicine, was m ostly
com pleted by 1968. T h e o fficial a ttitu d e to w ard th e psychedelic drugs had
become profoun dly negative. A lth oug h th is change was ra tio n a lize d by
c itin g reports o f h a rm fu l effects (M yers, 1968), some researchers claim ed
th a t mass m ed ia sensationalism had led p u b licity-sen sitive agencies to
become overcautious and fe a rfu l (D ah lb e rg , M echaneck & F eld stein , 1968;
Yensen, 1985). O th ers noted th a t th e scientific resp ectab ility o f L S D
research had been so compromised th a t:
Q u a lifie d , recognized researchers, who w ould be au th o rized to do th e
w o rk, a p p a re n tly , ju s t do not seem to w a n t to ris k th e possible
n o to riety, or ta in t of, or em broilm ent in , th e controversy and mass
m edia confrontations th a t surround investigations o f th e psychedelic
use o f L S D (U n g e r, 1969, p. 209).
76
Research w ith D P T continued a t S pring Grove u n til th e m id 1970’s,
b u t those w ere the last U .S . clin ical tria ls using psychedelics w ith hum an
subjects fo r m ore th an tw o decades. (D iL e o , 1975; G rof, 1970). In 1975 th e
N a tio n a l In s titu te o f M e n ta l H e a lth effectively ended the program o f
psychedelic research in th e U n ite d S tates w ith a public state m e n t th at:
A ttem p ts by investigators over th e years to use [psychedelic drugs]as
an ad jun ct to psychotherapy or as a special type o f psychotherapeutic
in terven tio n have not clearly dem onstrated th erap eu tic valu e
(R esearch T a sk Force, 1975).
The question o f w h eth er psychedelics could be used to produce any useful
change in a ttitu d es or behavior has not subsequently been system atically
in vestig ated .
L ite ra tu re on R elated Topics
D ropping out
M e d ia com m entary and sociological and psychological research
du rin g th e 1960's and 1970's was often directed w ith "b ew ild erm ent and
resentm ent" a t consideration o f the p o te n tia l im pact o f psychedelic drug
use on "young persons who come from m iddle-class homes an d who appear
to have su b stan tial educational p o ten tial" (W itten b o rn , 1969, p. 5). D an a
F arn sw o rth (1 969 ), the d irecto r o f H a rv a rd U n iv e rs ity S tu d e n t H e a lth
Services, was a m ajor spokesperson fo r those who w ere w o rrie d about th e
im pact o f psychedelic d ru g use on A m erica's elite youth. R eg u lar or even
occasional psychedelic d ru g use, he argued, decreased an in d ivid u a l's
drive and alte re d goals and am bitions, m akin g tra d itio n a l values and
attitu d es u n im p o rtan t or m eaningless. W h ile he allow ed th a t "use of
hallucinogenic drugs by those from w hom little is expected is tra g ic fo r th e
in d iv id u a l concerned, b u t not o f o verw helm ing significance to society," use
77
by persons such as governm ent officials, law yers and judges, clergy
m em bers and physicians was d iffe re n t m a tte r, and therefore use by
students who w ere being prepared fo r these roles should be "viewed w ith
th e utm ost gravity" (p. 70).
One o f the most concerning o f th e presum ed effects o f the
"hallucinogens" was the loss o f th e w illingness or a b ility to apply oneself to
in te lle c tu a l tasks, and a general decline in am bition (B rill, 1968; G lickm an
& B lum en field, 1967; Robbins e t a l., 1967). In addition, the use o f
psychedelics was thought to produce "irreversible changes in th e life style
and personality" o f users (F arn sw o rth , 1967, p. 433). Sidney Cohen
id en tified “dyssocial” behavior as one o f th e acknowledged nonpsychotic
disorders th a t m igh t occur in psychedelic drug users. According to Cohen
(1966):
A complete loss o f previously held values and aspirations m ig h t resu lt.
M o tivatio n to study or w o rk disappears, fa m ily ties dissolve and
personal cleanliness is neglected. Speech consists of
pseudophilosophical jargon. T h ere is a tendency to form cults or to
a ffilia te w ith “beat” elem ents, (p. 185)
S m art and B atem an (1967) called fo r basic psychological
investigations o f the presum ed, b u t undocum ented, a b ility o f L S D to cause
“personality changes, [and] dam age to em ployability, fa m ily relationships,

and m oral and ethical controls” (p . 1220). H o llis te r (1968), in a
com prehensive m onograph on th e psychological, neurophysiological, and
biochem ical effects of LS D and re la te d drugs, noted th a t a p ersonality
d eterio ratio n consisting o f un p ro d u ctivity in previously prom ising
in divid uals had been seen to follow th e repeated use o f psychedelics. H e did
not a ttrib u te th is unequivocally to th e use o f drugs, however, suggesting
78
in stead th a t repeated drug use m ig h t be a sym ptom o f an alread y
d istu rb ed p ersonality, or a type o f m odem a n ti-in te lle c tu a lis m th a t m ade
coherent th in k in g im possible.
A rg um en ts about the re la tio n o f d ru g use am ong the young to social
a lie n a tio n an d rejection o f tra d itio n a l values often concerned w hich w as th e
cause and w h ich the effect. W ritin g for “C u rre n t Concepts” fe atu re in T h e
N ew E n g lan d Jo u rn al o f M edicine, in w h ich an a u th o rity is in v ite d to
express his view s on a topical issue, D on ald L o u ria , au tho r o f The
N ig h tm a re D ru g s (L o u ria, 1966), raised th e po ssibility th a t the
w idespread use o f psychedelic drugs “could lead to a whole generation o f
psychedelic dropouts, incapable o f and u n in tereste d in addressing
them selves to th e im p o rtan t sociologic problem s o f ou r tim es” (L o u ria ,
1968, p. 437). L e tte rs to the editors subsequently challenged his a rtic le ,
describing it as a panicky m o ra lity lectu re, using polem ic language, an d
su fferin g from th e injection o f personal preju dice. In p a rtic u la r dispute was
his conclusion th a t problems o f socialization o f young adults w ere th e
resu lt, not th e cause, o f LS D use, a prem ise fo r w hich no support had been
offered (M ille r, 1968).
L u d w ig , Levine and S ta rk (1970) rep o rted th a t the consensus o f
experienced clinicians was th a t long-term L S D users “become
progressively m ore passive, lose am b itio n an d in itia tiv e , become m ore
preoccupied w ith subjective re a lity , and develop an increasing antagonism
to w ard social expectations and ‘estab lish m en t’ values” (p. 2 2 ).U n g e rle id e r
and F is h e r noted th a t LS D users fre q u e n tly described a dram atic s h ift in
th e ir va lu e system , in w hich w o rk, co nform ity, organization , and
m a te ria lis m h ad become less in terestin g to th em . Those who saw role
perform ance is a m easure of one's personal an d social w o rth regarded th is
79
as a form o f social suicide (W a tts , 1977). Sociologists W illia m Sim on and
John Gagnon (1 9 6 8 ) speculated in th e S a tu rd a y R eview th a t m any young
d rug users had a lre a d y abandoned an y claim to an in flu e n tia l role in
society. June B in g h am (1 967 ), h isto ria n an d w ife o f a N ew Y ork
Congressional R ep resen tative, com pared th e s itu a tio n to the
circum stances th a t lead to th e fa ll o f an cien t Rom e in an im passioned
artic le in the N ew Y o rk T im es M agazin e .
Some researchers seemed am b iv a le n t about th e a b ility of
psychedelic drugs to produce long range changes in th e ir users. In an
address to the H ah n em an n Sym posium on psychedelic drugs in 1969,
Sidney Cohen, fo r exam ple, argued th a t his attem p ts to study long-range
changes in in te re s ts , a ttitu d e s , aspirations and values a fte r experim en tal
exposure to L S D revealed m ore subjective changes th a n alteratio n s in
objectively m easurable c rite ria , in d ic a tin g th a t L S D induced changes, i f
th ey existed, tended to seem g rea ter th a n th e y w ere. S till, Cohen
m ain tain ed th a t psychedelic drug use w as fra u g h t w ith danger: "Changes
do occur. As a re s u lt o f single or m u ltip le L S D experiences a person m ig h t
a lte r his life style fro m an actively as p irin g fu tu re-o rien ted student to an
unm otivated, present oriented, passive dropout. . . due to a rap id s h ift in
values" (Cohen, 1968a, p. 79-80).
D ropping o u t, how ever, was seen d iffe re n tly by others. Tim o thy
#L e a ry o rig inated th e provocative slogan "T u rn on, Tu n e in , Drop out." As
he presented his in ten d ed m eaning, dropping ou t was a positive ra th e r
th a n a negative act, and p a rt o f a developm ental process (L eary, 1966a).
Experiences w ith psychedelics could catalyze th is process, by helping
users "turn on" to u n fa m ilia r levels o f aw areness o f in n e r process and
wisdom . B y "tu n in g in" to psychedelically expanded aw areness, users could
80
consciously re d ire c t th e ir em otional, aesthetic and in te lle c tu a l responses to
the ex tern al w o rld and could develop self-consciousness or a "witnessing"
self knowledge th a t w ould p erm it one to see oneself w ith im p a rtia lity and
c la rity , and to recognize one's reactions and em otions as they arose. In th is
schema, to "drop out" was to detach from id e n tific a tio n w ith one's
education, possessions, job, social com m itm ents and usual behaviors in
order to look a t th em dispassionately and to have an op po rtu nity e ith e r to
valid ate them or to change them for new ones in corpo rating insights from
psychedelic experiences (K eniston, 1969; N ow lis, 1970; W ells, 1974).
Research on long range som atic effects
The issue o f w h eth er LS D caused genetic dam age was one o f the
most sensational aspects of the controversy su rro u n d in g th e use o f
psychedelic drugs. In M arch 1967 a group o f researchers headed by
M aim on Cohen o f S U N Y B uffalo published th e firs t rep o rt suggesting the
possibility o f L S D -re la te d chromosome dam age. T h e researchers
recommended a larg e epidem iological study be u n d ertaken to evalu ate the
po ten tial dangers th a t they identified: a possible increase in leu kem ia and
other neoplasms in L S D users; a p o ten tial fo r teratogenic effects on the
fetus exposed in utero; and the ris k o f genetic translocations producing
damage in fu tu re generations (Cohen, H irsch o m & Fro sch , 1967). A n
accom panying e d ito ria l described LS D as “rad io m im e tic”-- causing som atic
m utations and cell depletion s im ila r to chronic w hole-body rad ia tio n . The
ed ito ria l em phasized th a t these fin din gs w ould re q u ire users to reconsider
th e ir attitu d es to w ard drug use. For the sake o f th e biological fitness o f the
next generation, i t said, "the tim e [had] come to stress th e negative
attrib u tes o f psychotom im etic drugs (R adiom im etic properties o f L S D ,
1967).
81
O thers w ere no t as q u ick to accept M aim o n Cohen’s conclusions. A
subsequent rep o rt in Science by a second research team fa ile d to confirm
th e o rig inal findings o f Cohen’s group (Loughm an, Sargent & Is ra e ls ta m ,
1967). O th er researchers noted th a t a ll cells q u ickly lose th e ir
d ifferen tiated form s in tissue cu ltu re, and th a t th e effects observed by
Cohen M a rin e llo & B ack occurred a fte r several hours exposure, as d istin ct
from the b rie f exposures produced by ra p id m etabolism and excretion o f
L S D in vivo (D iP aolo & A lexand er, 1967). A t a n a tio n al conference on
“Adverse effects o f th e H allucinogens,” a t w hich both he and M aim on
Cohen were featu red panelists, D a n ie l Freedm an pointed out th a t “reports
o f chromosomal changes in prep aratio ns o f lym phocytes raised in tissue
cu ltu re are not id e n tic a l w ith ‘genetic dam age”* (Freedm an, 1968, p. 68).
In th e ir 1968 review o f th e lite ra tu re on chromosomal and
teratogenic effects o f L S D , S m a rt and B atem an stated th e ir in ten tio n “to
educate [LSD] users about its dangers” in th e hope th a t p u b lic ity about
adverse effects w ould discourage L S D use (p. 805). They concluded th a t
“th e evidence for a teratog enic effect [was] very strong b u t not unanim ous"
(p. 810), and confidently expected th a t, although “th e case for chromosomal
effects o f LS D in h u m an users [was] not proved . . .sufficient evidence
exist[ed] to ju s tify th e expectation th a t fu rth e r studies m ay confirm such
an effect" (S m a rt & B atem an, 1968, p. 809). In th e next five years, 60
studies o f the effect o f L S D on chromosomes in vitro and in vivo w ere
conducted.
C onfirm ation was not forthcom ing. Subsequent review s o f the
lite ra tu re published in th e e a rly 1970’s attem p ted to synthesize the
num erous conflicting findings o f various studies. D ishotsky and his
colleagues review ed 68 studies and case reports published from 1967 to
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1970, and concluded th a t “pu re L S D ingested in m oderate doses does not
dam age chromosomes in vivo, does not cause detectab le genetic dam age,
and is not a teratog en or a carcinogen in m an” (D is h o ts k y , Loughm an,
M o g ar & Lipscom b, 1971). T h ey found no co n train dicatio n to th e continued
controlled exp erim en tal use o f L S D o th er th an pregnancy.
A review by S a lly Long in Teratolo gy exam ined 27 studies in
hum ans and 19 a n im a l studies for th e possibility o f d ire c t o r in d ire c t
genetic or terato g en ic effects, and concluded th a t the ris k o f such effects
from research or tre a tm e n t using L S D was sm all enough th a t it m ig h t be
outw eighed by p o te n tia l th erap eu tic benefits, a decision th a t should be le ft
to th e researcher (Long, 1972). Because o f the c u rta ilm e n t o f research on
L S D w ith hum an subjects, few subsequent studies provide d a ta on possible
chromosome dam age effects in hum ans. Research in a n im a l m odels has
continued to support th e consensus th a t L S D is n o t terato g en ic nor
oncogenic, and th a t i t is, a t most, a w ea k m utagen (A b rah am & A ld rid g e ,
1993). None o f these studies received th e w idespread and excited p u b lic ity
th a t greeted the o rig in a l stories o f chromosome dam age, how ever. E ven
today, th e fe a r o f h a v in g exposed oneself to irre p a ra b le and in visib le h a rm
m ay influence th e vie w th a t historic users take o f th e ir psychedelic
experiences.
Th e issue o f chromosome dam age presented th e firs t ra tio n a l reason
no t to engage in controlled scientific study o f psychedelic drugs. P o te n tia l
subjects o f L S D research raised questions about genetic risks , and
scientists raised e th ic a l questions about the safety o f research subjects
(D ah lb e rg e t a l., 1968). O fficials o f th e governm ent agencies charged w ith
prog ram m ing and fu n d in g research experienced conflicts betw een th e
scien tific approach and th e ir personal opinions an d m orals (F re ed m an ,
83
1967a). The kinds o f studies considered to be useful and im p o rta n t by
funding agencies w ere tie d to social policy by dependence on congressional
appropriations (F o rt, 1970).
The use o f L S D w as seen by some as sym bolic o f a social m ovem ent
o f rebellious opposition to governm ent policies, predom in a n t values and
conventional behaviors (L evin e, 1968; N e ill, 1987). D ra m a tic and exciting
pu blicity, even w hen n egative, acted as a lu re fo r those disposed to use
psychedelic drugs, and created h o s tility and anger in those who opposed
th e ir use. D ru g policies depending p rim a rily on p ro h ib itio n and law
enforcem ent fo r control increased th e p ro fit fo r those ille g a l entrepreneurs
w illin g to ta k e th e increased risks, and added th e danger o f adverse leg al
consequences to the lis t o f possible harm s re s u ltin g from psychedelic drug
use.
"A ch em istry fo r w o rld peace.”
In an a rtic le e n title d "A C h em istry fo r W orld peace” published
posthum ously in 1985, d ru g researcher W illia m M c G lo th lin speculated
th a t, based on the "considerable evidence th a t L S D is effective in
fa c ilita tin g a ttitu d in a l change and s tim u la tin g social em pathy" (p. 227),
psychedelic drugs m ig h t u sefu lly be made av aila b le as a form o f social
th erapy th a t w ould h e lp to bridge "the gap betw een ou r technical-scientific
position and our level o f social m atu rity"(p . 226). H e recognized th a t such a
recom m endation from a scien tist o f his statu re m ig h t seem incredible, b u t
th a t the in te g ra tiv e experiences th a t w ere av aila b le from L S D and oth er
psychedelics, p a rtic u la rly w hen h ig h er doses w ere ta k e n in supervised
settings, could produce "lasting favorable changes in th e areas o f
com m unication, a ttitu d e s , values, and general social in s ig h t (M c G lo th lin ,
1985, p. 237).
84
Because "open com m unication and a reduction o f fe ar, d istru st and
dogm atism " (p. 22 7) are crucial to hum an su rvival, M cG lo th lin deem ed the
stakes hig h enough to w a rra n t consideration th a t archaic drug-m ediated
techniques fo r producing im proved in sig h t and com m unication should not
be neglected, p a rtic u la rly because th e psychedelic drugs had been shown
to be "quite safe, especially w ith norm als" (p. 237). The psychedelics could
be used to fa c ilita te m ystical consciousness and produce im proved
in tu itio n , he argued, allow in g for the u tiliza tio n o f capacities o f m ind
beyond those o f th e in telle ct. M cG lo th lin pointed out th a t th e modern
"rational" notion o f th e m ind's function v irtu a lly excludes any consideration
o f transpersonative or m ystical experiences, and th a t on the ra re occasions
th a t spontaneous e x p e r ie n c e s o f this k in d w ere encountered, they w ere
gen erally regarded w ith skepticism .
P o te n tial benefits o f psychedelic drug use
A lthough th ere is an extensive professional lite ra tu re th a t deals w ith
the adverse consequences o f psychedelic drug use, th ere is fa r less th a t
addresses th e p o ten tia l o f these drugs to produce positive effects in th e ir
users (Rom ero, 1994). W h ile accounts o f benefits are accum ulating (Beck &
Rosenbaum , 1994; Delgado & M oreno, 1998; F o rte, 1997; K ru p its k y ,
1992; Sheppard, 1994; S m ith , 2000), it is s till in freq u en tly recognized th a t
m any people, a t lea st from th e ir own point o f view , claim to have derived a
long las tin g and m ean ing ful positive im pact from th e ir use o f psychedelics.
Speculation in th e professional lite ra tu re and anecdotal accounts o f
personal experience suggest th a t th is is a case o f p lu ra lity ignorance --
each in d iv id u a l th in k s th a t his or h e r experience or practice is unique,
w hen in fa ct it is common and w idespread (W alsh, 1982).
85
Knowledge o f th e uses and p o te n tia l benefits o f th e psychedelic drugs
has form ed p a rt o f th e c u ltu ra l h e rita g e o f countless peoples th ro ugh ou t
histo ry (D o b kin de Rios, 1972; D o b kin de Rios, 1990; F u rs t, 1972; G rof,
1970; H a rn e r, 1973; L a B a rre , 1969). T h is knowledge is today la rg e ly
obscured by a determ ined g o vernm en tal effo rt to in te rd ic t a ll use o f
psychedelics and o f ille g a l drugs in gen eral. U nu sual m ind/body states
such as those produced by psychedelic drugs have been “triv ia liz e d ,
denied, denigrated, neglected, an d/o r pathologized” by cognitive science
(R oberts, 1989, p. 94). According to R oger W alsh, “th ere have probably
been few areas in psychology th a t h ave been subject to as m uch
m isin form atio n and sensatio nalistic re p o rtin g by the m edia as psychedelic
experiences” (W alsh, 1982, p. 22 -3 ). W a ls h suggested th a t “i t appears th a t
we have in our cu ltu re, in th e scien tific and professional lite ra tu re as w e ll
as in the popular press, a bias to w ard rep o rtin g only th e n egative effects o f
psychedelics” (W alsh, 1982, p. 24). T h is n e g a tiv ity is consistent w ith th e
p rev ailin g a ttitu d e about th e use o f ille g a l drugs in general, b u t i t d isto rts
th e experience of those who have experienced the psychedelics p o sitively or
n e u tra lly , and opens th e social system to critiq u e by those whose
experience is a t variance w ith th is v ie w (Stevens, 1989)
S u m m ary
This chapter has presented a selection o f im p o rta n t or
representative lite ra tu re re la te d to th re e m ain aspects o f psychedelic d ru g
use. The firs t section considered some o f th e ways th a t psychedelic drug
experiences have been socially constructed, both by users and non-users,
and described several specific contexts o f use. The second section review ed
th e m ost robust previous studies o f th e long range effects o f psychedelic
drug use, and some o f th e m edical, sociological and c u ltu ra l in te rp re ta tio n s
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o f psychedelic experiences th a t w e re c u rre n t w hen the p articip an ts in th is
study w ere firs t exposed to psychedelics. The th ird section addressed some
specific positive and negative concerns about long range effects, in clu d in g
social w ith d ra w a l, chromosome dam age and th e potential o f psychedelic
drugs to foster personal tra n s fo rm a tio n .
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Chapter 3: M ethods
"The best th in g for being sad," rep lied M e rlin , beginning to p u ff and
blow, "is to le a rn som ething. T h a t is th e only th in g th a t never fa ils . You
m ay grow old and trem b lin g in yo ur anatom ies, you m ay lie aw ake a t
n ig h t lis ten in g to the disorder o f your veins, you m ay miss your only
love, you m ay see the w orld around you devastated by e v il lu n atics, or
know your honour tram p led in th e sewers o f baser m inds. T h ere is only
one th in g for it then -- to learn . L e arn w h y th e w orld wags and w h a t
wags it. T h a t is the only th in g th e m ind can never exhaust, never
a lie n a te , never be to rtu red by, never fe a r or distrust, and never dream
o f reg rettin g ."
T . H . W h ite
The Once and F u tu re K in g
T h is chapter explores n a rra tiv e research methodology and th e
specific m ethod used in th is study, n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n . I t describes
various fa m ilia r form s or plots by w h ich n a rra tiv e s can be organized. The
sam ple o f respondents is described in d e ta il, as w e ll as the sam pling
process used in th e study. F in a lly , th is ch apter discusses developm ent o f
the in te rv ie w schedule and other aspects o f d a ta collection, and outlines the
process o f d ata analysis.
G en eral D escription o f the Research D esign
I conducted th is study from a co nstru ctivist perspective, using sem i
stru ctu red in terview s to obtain n a rra tiv e d a ta . In addition to in te rv ie w
d ata, I considered published contem porary an d historic discourses about
psychedelic drug use. I have exam ined accounts o f th e interactions o f
psychedelic drug users w ith th e ir social environm ents, and te x tu a l
representations o f th e psychedelic experience: trip p ers' stories and stories
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o f trip s . D u rin g th e p ilo t study for th is project, I attem pted to an alyze the
in te rv ie w d a ta using grounded theory m ethodology. Th is was an aw kw ard
exercise for me. I found th a t I was not a t ease w ith th e technique o f try in g
to divide th e stories in to categories and codes. In addition, it was clear th a t
the in terview s p rim a rily took the form o f n a rratives. I decided to re
analyze the p ilo t d ata, and to continue the study using n a rra tiv e analysis
m ethodology.
N a rra tiv e analysis studies ways in w hich stories are told, in
ad dition to th e them es th ey reveal. There is an extensive lite ra tu re
describing th e ap plicatio n of n a rra tiv e analysis techniques to accounts o f
se lf-rele va n t events th a t are presented as stories. N a rra tiv e analysis
emerges from m any research interests and disciplines: fem in ist research
(DeJoseph & M essias, 1996; D e V a u lt, 1990; Reissm an, 1993), philosophy
of th e social sciences (P olkinghorne, 1988), com m unications studies (F ish er
et a l., 1985), social psychology (G ergen & G ergen, 1984; S arb in , 1986),
psychoanalysis (M is h a ra , 1995), lite ra ry criticism (Brooks, 1984), and
m u ltid is c ip lin a ry attem pts to study values and cognition (M itc h e ll, 1981).
N a rra tiv e analysts exam ine the w ay th a t people use n a rra tiv e to describe
social conduct across tim e, giving hum an a c tiv ity a sense o f m eaning and
direction.
E x p la n a to ry n a rra tiv e research
N a rra tiv e research can be explanatory or descriptive. E x p la n a to ry
n a rra tiv e research uses the n a rra tiv e form to provide an exp lanation o f
w hy events occurred. In explanatory n a rra tiv e research, devices such as
w eighing the tem poral order in w hich events are presented and
em phasizing changes in the direction and ra te o f acceleration o f th e story
in re la tio n to th e end point or goal state are em ployed to em plot events
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w ith in the n a rra tiv e , to heighten in te re s t and to m ake i t convincing and
credible. T ra d itio n a l w ritte n h isto ry and m ost in v e s tig a tiv e rep o rtin g are
common exam ples o f exp lan ato ry n a rra tiv e an alysis (P o lkin g h o m e, 1988;
Sandelow ski, 1991).
Possibly th e best educational experience fo r m e as a researcher
w o rking to un d erstan d th e characteristics and constru ctio n o f n a rra tiv e
was th e creation o f a n exp lan ato ry n a rra tiv e o f th e h is to ry o f psychedelic
drug use in the U n ite d S tates fo r th is project. In th e developm ent o f this
story, I can observe m y own em ploym ent o f th e form s an d properties of
n a rra tiv e in the developm ent o f an account th a t a tte m p ts to be fa ith fu l to
the historic records o f th e tim e, cognizant o f the in sig h ts gained from
hindsight and resp ectful o f m y own p a rtic u la rity and personal perceptions.
I do not pretend to be a n e u tra l rep o rter, b u t I h ave trie d fo r inclusiveness
as w ell as passion in th e use o f th is approach. W h ile I believe th a t I have
m ade a tru e case, I h ave purposely constructed m y p resen tatio n o f the
historical d ata to h ig h lig h t p a rtic u la r issues and to ju xtap o se specific
events.
D escriptive n a rra tiv e research
The other m a jo r type o f n a rra tiv e research, d escrip tive n a rra tiv e
analysis, exam ines n a rra tiv e presentations for th e use o f these and other
devices, scru tin izin g th e characteristics o f the te llin g its e lf and how the
n a rra tiv e is co nstitu ted in ad d itio n to e v a lu a tin g th e m eanings attached to
events by the n a rra to r. A v a rie ty o f approaches to n a rra tiv e analysis
exist, d ifferin g in th e ir definitions o f n a rra tiv e , in th e u n its o f analysis
exam ined, and in th e ir consideration o f context in e x a m in a tio n o f n a rra tiv e
data. D escriptive n a rra tiv e analysis m ay exam ine th e w a y a story is
expressed as a te x t, o r its plot, p a tte rn or th em atic co ntent. Some
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n a rra tiv e researchers focus on th e stru ctu re and language em ployed by
the n a rra to r, reducing th e story to these elem ents to allow i t to be
com pared to o th er stories (B e ll, 1988); others focus on th e u n d erlyin g
o rganizin g m etaphors o f th e story, w hich are uncovered by a process o f
parsing it in to lines, stanzas and parts (R eissm an, 1993).
A nalysis o f n a rra tiv e stru ctu res
The m ost fre q u e n tly cited and e a rlie s t approach to n a rra tiv e
analysis is th a t o f Labov and W aletsky (L a n g e llie r, 1989). Th is approach
holds th a t, w h ile n a rra tiv e s m ay su p erficially be constructed in a v a rie ty
of form s, a fu lly form ed n a rra tiv e contains "in v a ria n t s tru c tu ra l units:" an
abstract th a t introduces th e story; an o rien tatio n to tim e , place and
particip an ts; a sequence o f com plicating events; an evalu atio n by th e
n a rra to r o f th e tale's significance and m eaning; a resolution; and a coda. I t
moves from th e present in to th e past, th en through a lin e a r sequence o f
events to re tu rn to th e presen t in th e coda. F o r th e story to be considered a
n a rra tiv e , th e n a rra to r m u st m ake a p o in t about his o r h er w o rld as a p a rt
o f the story (L ab o v & W a le ts k y , 1967).
The fram ew o rk fo r analysis o f n a rra tiv e s presented by Labov and
W aletsky dem ands a fo rm a l and ve ry h ig h ly stru ctu red approach to
n a rra tiv e th a t la te r p ra c titio n e rs o f n a rra tiv e analysis have fre q u e n tly
found confining. Labov an d W aletsky's approach reveals the w ay in w h ich
the n a rra to r is draw n in to a p a rtia l re liv in g o f th e story as it is to ld , b u t
does not ta k e in to account th e specific circum stances in w hich a p a rtic u la r
story is told to an in d iv id u a lly -id e n tifie d listen er, and thus does not
address th e w ays in w h ic h n a rra tiv e its e lf m ay be an in tersub jective
construction o f both lis te n e r and te lle r (Labov, 1972). A less red u ctio n istic
approach is to exam ine e n tire in d iv id u a l n arratives for th e ir plots and
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sa lien t them es, and compare these w ith in or across n a rratives (DeJoseph
& M essias, 1996).
N a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n
Th is study employs an approach to n a rra tiv e th a t m inim izes the
frag m en tatio n o f n a rra tiv e d ata by a n a ly tic processes. Th is approach,
fe m in ist n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n , was developed b y DeJoseph and M essias
(1996) as a postm odern fem in ist m ethod o f n a rra tiv e analysis. R ath er th an
em phasize the analysis o f th e texts them selves, n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n
focuses on the ideas and m eanings expressed in th e texts (M isch ler, 1986),
and th e w ay these are em plotted to produce a coherent story.
N a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n uses some o f th e techniques common to
other form s of n a rra tiv e analysis, such as lo cating stories and them es
w ith in the texts o f in terview s, b u t avoids a n a ly tic parsing o f stories in to
stru c tu ra l or lin g u istic components. In stea d , com plete stories are sought
and exam ined w ith in in tervie w texts, and a process o f in te rp re ta tio n is
used to develop "perspectives o f m eaning:" th e o rig in a l m eaning a ttrib u te d
to the story by th e n a rra to r, th e m eaning com m unicated to th e in te rp re te r,
and th e social, p o litic al and c u ltu ra l m eanings o f th e story as the
in te rp re te r understands them . In in te rp re tin g th e d a ta , the processes o f
n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n "re-present" th e them es and story lines th a t have
been located in the in tervie w texts. In th is process, th e p rim a ry concern is
to m a in ta in the "saliency o f the voice o f th e o rig in a l story te ller" (DeJoseph
& M essias, 1996, p. 8). The approach represented by fem in ist n a rra tiv e
in te rp re ta tio n to th e study o f personal experience and m eaning is
p a rtic u la rly w e ll suited to first-person o ra l accounts o f experience such as
those provided by th is study's respondents. R ig e r (1 992 ) characterizes
those scientific approaches or m ethods as fe m in is t w hich challenge m ale
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dom inance and advocate "social, p o litic al and economic e q u a lity o f women
and m en in society" (p. 731). A lthough th is study does not have a
specifically fem in ist o rien tatio n , it is aligned w ith fe m in ist goals o f hearing
and representing otherw ise neglected or unheard personal experience and
m eaning in th e p articip an ts' ow n term s, ra th e r th a n a tte m p tin g to impose
th e dom inant c u ltu ra l u n d erstan d in g on experiences from outside the
m ain s tream .
N a rra tiv e form s
A b rie f o u tlin e o f some aspects o f the properties and form s o f
n a rra tiv e construction is provided by G ergen & G ergen (1984). N a rra tiv e
constructions lin k the n a rra to r’s view o f self in th e present to e a rlie r
events, and present th e n a rra to r's perspective on th e system atic
relatio n sh ip betw een w h a t m ig h t otherw ise ap p ear to be isolated
occurrences. A n a rra tiv e establishes a coherent p a tte rn o f m ovem ent
through a sequence o f m om ents. A c ritic a l fe a tu re o f a n a rra tiv e is the
existence o f a goal state or endpoint. The n a rra to r selects events and other
elem ents o f th e situ atio n for inclusion and arranges them in a directional
p a tte rn in re la tio n to th e goal state.
N a rra tiv e s have th e capacity to engage th e lis te n e r th ro ugh the
creation o f feelings o f d ram a o r em otion. G ergen and G ergen (1984)
suggest th a t th is capacity is th e re s u lt less o f th e specific content o f the
n a rra tiv e th an o f th e relatio n sh ip betw een events: the ra te o f change or
“th e acceleration o f the n a rra tiv e slope,” and changes in th e evalu ative
relatio n sh ip th a t am ount to a “ tu rn o f events’ or. . . [an] a lte ra tio n in th e
direction o f n a rra tiv e slope” ( p. 180). The "steepness" o f th e n a rra tiv e
slope is an expression o f th e ra p id ity w ith w hich events in th e n a rra tiv e
m ore to w ard or aw ay from th e endpoint or goal state.
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Th e n a rra tiv e slope can be fla t, h a vin g a basic d ire c tio n a l p a tte rn o f
s ta b ility , in w h ich no change occurs. I t m ay be progressive or regressive,
m oving tow ard or aw ay from th e goal, and m ay accelerate steeply or
slow ly, in d ica tin g rap id o r g rad u al change. M om entum fo r fu tu re
m ovem ent in th e in d icated d irectio n m ay be im plied, or m ore com plex
d irec tio n al p attern s m ay occur, g ivin g rise to d ram atic n a rra tiv e form s
such as th e comedy (a regressive, follow ed b y a progressive n a rra tiv e ); th e
trag ed y (progression to a hig h position follow ed by a n a rra tiv e o f do w n fall);
th e “h a p p ily ever a fte r” n a rra tiv e (progression follow ed b y s ta b ility ); o r th e
ro m an tic saga (a series o f progressive and regressive accounts). In th e
d ialectic n a rra tiv e , tw o sim ultaneous n a rra tiv e lines converge on a p o in t o f
conflict a t w hich tran sfo rm atio n occurs in a w ay th a t u n ites some aspects
o f each convergent n a rra tiv e .
The construction o f n a rra tiv e
N a rra tiv e s are constructions. Th ey rep o rt no t o n ly facts, m ovem ents
and actions, b u t th e m eanings assigned by th e n a rra to r to these a c tiv itie s ,
and th e w ay th a t relationships am ong events are understood. In th e
n a tu ra lis tic , co nstru ctivist p aradig m th a t has guided th is study, th e
perspectival q u a lity o f these reports is axiom atic. N a rra to rs select events
for rep o rtin g , organize th em according to tim in g and im po rtance, describe
coherent relationships o f specific elem ents and establish th e re la tiv e va lu e
o f various possible endpoints o r goals in w ays th a t are p a rtic u la r to th e
te lle rs , and are fram ed by m u ltip le understandings a v a ila b le to th em o f a
given occurrence.
N a rra tiv e s are constructed by negotiation. T h ey a re considered and
understood according to th e perspective o f th e receiver, an d m ean in g is not
in h e re n t in th e account sis constructed by th e te lle r. A ccording to G ergen
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and G ergen, th e n a rra to r is lim ite d “to a vocabulary o f action th a t
possesses currency w ith in th e c u ltu re ” (G erg en & G ergen, 1984, p. 185).
T h is has p a rtic u la r relevance fo r accounts o f experiences in un usual states
o f consciousness, w hich m ay co n tain descriptions o f events and concepts
th a t are “c u ltu ra l nonsense. ” A w e ll-k n o w n exam ple is Carlos C asteneda’s
n a rra tiv e o f flig h t un der the in flu en ce o f d a tu ra in T h e T eachings o f D on
Ju an (C asteneda, 1968), and his subsequent questions about w h eth er he
“re a lly ” flew . The problem in th is qu estion is the adverb. C astenada w as
as kin g not w h eth er he could re c a ll an d n a rra te an experience in w h ich he
perceived h im s e lf to fly , nor w h e th e r h is teacher agreed he had been flyin g ,
b u t w h e th e r his experience m atched th e understanding o f “flig h t” in th e
c u ltu ra l vocabulary o f his everyday life an d th a t o f his contem poraries in
academ ia.
N a rra tiv e constructions m ay co n ta in im plications fo r fu tu re
b eh avio r. As opportunities arise fo r new responses and behaviors to occur,
or fo r a c tiv itie s to ta k e place, th e y a re subject to evalu atio n as congruent
or in co n g ru en t w ith th e im p lic atio n o f th e n a rra tiv e , and th e n a rra tiv e
its e lf is subject to confirm ation o r disconfirm ation. F o r exam ple, a s ta b ility
n a rra tiv e in w hich one is held to be a cle ve r and canny in d ivid u a l m ay be
called in to question i f one is la te r p u b lic ly duped.
N a rra tiv e s are constructed b y th e te lle r in an ticip atio n o f th e ir
re c e ip t by an im a g in a ry audience, an d n a rra to rs “m ay select in advance
actions th a t can be ju s tifie d on th e basis o f an in te llig ib le or publicly
acceptable n a rra tiv e ” (G ergen & G erg en , 1984, p. 185). N a rra to rs m ay
ta k e th e public reception o f th e ir actions in to account in various w ays.
T h ey m ay p u blicly ju s tify th e ir b e h av io r o n ly after it is questioned, o r
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p riv a te ly develop accounts th a t th ey w ill produce la te r i f th e ir behavior is
disputed.
N a rra tiv e s a re com m unicated and com prehended in p a rtic u la r
social environm ents. I t is necessary fo r the account to have enough social
currency, m oral p ro p riety or factu al c re d ib ility to be fitte d in to reciprocal
relationships w ith th e n arratives o f others. In n a rra tiv e s th a t include
actors other th a n th e n a rra to r, th e m eaning o f m u tu a l experiences is
negotiated and is dependent upon the w illingness o f other p articip an ts to
p lay th e roles assigned to them by th e n a rra to r. Thus Don Ju an ’s rep ly to
C arlos’ queries about flig h t: i f C asteneda’s frien ds understood th e power of
the d a tu ra , th ey w ould have know n h im to be fly in g (R oszak, 1976).
S am p lin g
S itu a tin g m vse lf
I have been teaching pharm acology to m id w ife ry and nurse
p rac titio n e r students for about fifte e n years, and I do a fa ir am ount o f
public speaking. A few years before I began m y doctoral studies I was
in v ite d to speak on prescribing fo r th e pregnant p a tie n t a t the
in te rn a tio n a l m eetin g o f th e M idw ives A lliance o f N o rth A m erica. W hen I
m et w ith th e w om an who was to introduce m e, a m idw ife whose clientele
included some o f m y oldest friends in th e San Francisco B ay A re a, we
discovered a conflict. "Who is th is M a ria M a n g in i person?” she asked,
adding th a t she had never heard m e use th a t nam e. She said th a t she had
planned to introduce the person th a t she knew , and to ta lk about know ing
me th ro ugh th e H o g F arm commune, and from years ago in the San
Francisco m usic scene. I explained th a t I p referred to use the nam e on my
professional licenses when doing public speaking, b u t she was not
convinced. She did, in fact, introduce me to about 750 m idw ives as H idden
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M o u n tain , the nam e th a t I ’ve been know n by in m y com m unal fa m ily for
m any years and, since m idw ives are open m ind ed in general, nobody
seemed to th in k th a t th is w as odd.
W here I had expected a deafening crash o f w orlds in collision,
instead I got a s h ift in m y fram e o f reference. I had chosen to have m y
personal life com pletely separated from m y professional en viron m ent, b u t I
found th a t I ac tu a lly enjoyed th e sensation o f h a vin g m y two id e n titie s in
the same room fo r a change. Th e m ore I th o u g h t about this, th e m ore
significant it seemed: I had m ade one p a rt o f m yself in visib le because I had
secrets to conceal.
A t the h e a rt o f th e m a tte r w ere drugs, specifically psychedelic
drugs. The single facto r th a t seemed to tie to g eth er m y extended social
netw ork more th a n any o th er was th a t alm ost a ll o f us had been profoundly
touched by psychedelic experiences a t some tim e in our lives. M a n y o f us
are today in positions o f respect and resp o n sib ility in our com m unities in
which we do not ta lk fre e ly about th is p a rt o f ou r personal histories. Few
are easily id en tified as fo rm er “drug users” in th e stereotypical sense, and
we don’t seem to stand ou t as social deviants in an y obvious w ay; i f
anything, we’re m ore lik e ly to keep a g en erally low profile.
I t is perilous to p u b lic ly say an yth in g good about drug use or drug
experiences in the present sociopolitical clim a te. E xpectations concerning
the tra its , ch aracteristics, and standards o f b eh avio r o f drug users are
alm ost u n ifo rm ly negative. S elf-id e n tificatio n as a c u rre n t or an
un repen tan t fo rm er user, or even as someone w ith positive s la n t on drug
use, can easily become one’s “m aster statu s” — so s tig m atizin g th a t a ll
other aspects o f th e speaker’s persona are colored by it (H ughes, 1971).
For me, and I suspect fo r m any others who show no obvious scars from our
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adventures, to discuss those ad ven tures p u b licly now is to ris k a huge loss
o f c re d ib ility .
C o m p licatin g th is is th e deep re a liza tio n th a t no m a tte r w h a t one
presen tly says or th in k s, those experiences a re p a rt o f our lives and our
personal histo ries. I f someone who fits th e p a tte rn o f a re la tiv e ly in visib le
"acid head" (o r ex- acid head) does a n y th in g th a t a ttra c ts a lo t o f a tte n tio n ,
it can re s u lt in a kin d o f disclosure th a t I suspected m any "old heads"
feared. M ig h t th ey th en be re lu c ta n t to ru n for a public office, appear in th e
m edia, ap p ly fo r a security clearance, or engage in o th er behaviors th a t
m ig h t ra ttle th e skeletons in th e ir closets? I was concerned th a t th is m ay
have served to keep certain people, view s and insights out o f public life . I f
one has k e p t one's psychedelic past secret, one is subject to being “outed,”
lik e it or not.
B u t w h a t about those who m ig h t believe th a t th ey derived some m ajor
b enefit, som ething th a t now form s a valu ed p a rt o f th e self, from one or
m ore o f th e ir psychedelic experiences? W h a t is th e w o rld lik e now fo r th e
old psychedelic people? W h a t are th e y doing? Do th e ir drug histories have
an yth in g to do w ith it? Do th ey lac k an yth in g , or feel th a t th ey took the
w rong tu rn ? W h a t do th ey te ll th e ir kid s or th e ir students about drugs?
H as th e re been an effect on our society o f so m any people delving in to these
other realm s a t an im pressionable stage o f th e ir developm ent?
Outcom es and influences o f psychedelic d rug use
Th is study explores in in te rv ie w s o f some o f th e understandings th a t
histo ric users have developed about th e use o f psychedelic drugs, and th e
place o f psychedelic experiences in o u r lives and in th e functioning o f our
com m unities. In th is research, by th e presentatio n o f th e ir stories in
n a rra tiv e , h isto ric users have had a n o p p o rtu nity to id e n tify a v a rie ty o f
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outcomes and influences o f th e ir dru g use, w h eth er d e trim e n ta l, beneficial,
or u n im p o rta n t ra th e r th an sim ply responding to in q u iries about
pred eterm ined categories or expected sequences o f events. I began th is
study w ith a p a rtic u la r in te re s t in exploring th e follow ing areas:
1) Issues o f changing generation al mores. H ow are th e uses o f
psychedelic drugs presented to young people by parents, teachers, h e a lth
professionals and others who have them selves experienced it?
2) Issues o f h a rm and benefit. Does a history o f psychedelic drug use
have any long-range im pacts on users' subsequent lives? W h a t h arm
reduction and b e n e fit m axim iza tio n strategies have been successfully
em ployed by experienced users?
3) Issues o f p rivacy vs. disclosure. To whom is a h is to ry of
psychedelic d ru g use disclosed, and un der w h a t conditions? H ow is privacy
m aintained? H ow are p o te n tia l consequences o f disclosure perceived?
4) U sers’ beliefs about psychedelics, and th e ir expectations,
m otivations, preferences, p attern s and practices related to psychedelic
drug use. W h a t specific im m ediate and long-range events d id historic users
experience around th e ir psychedelic dru g use, and w h a t is th e ir
understanding and in te rp re ta tio n o f these experiences now.
In s id e r research
In s id e r research, in w hich one studies one’s own c u ltu ra l, social,
ethnic, ra c ia l, relig io u s, re s id e n tia l, or gender com m unity , o r a su bcu ltu ral
or recreatio n al group or occupation w ith w hich one has in tim a te
fa m ilia rity , has been understood and defined d iffe re n tly by d iffe re n t
researchers. H ay an o (1979) calls th is approach "auto-ethnography” or th e
study o f one’s ow n people; a te rm th a t has also been applied to the study o f
personal lived experience and described as "in vestig atin g subjectivity"
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(E llis & F la h e rty , 1992). O thers have described this type o f research as
postm odern ethnography (D en zin , 1989b), fie ld research am ong peers
(Lipson, 1984), e x p e rie n tia l analysis (R einharz, 1979), com plete m em ber
research (A d le r & A d le r, 1987), endogenous or in c u ltu ra l research
(M a ru y a m a , 1969), and indigenous anthropology (M esserschm idt, 1981).
To do in sid e r research, one m ust have some prio r knowledge of th e
people, cu ltu re and language or jargon found in the area o f in terest, and
th e a b ility , a t least to some extent, to pass as a native m em ber. A key
featu re is th a t m em bership in the group is established before any decision
to do research th ere. In some cases, the in sid er researcher is perm an en tly
self-id en tified w ith th e group, and is fu lly accepted as a group m em ber by
both self and others (H a y a n o , 1979).
A dvantages o f in s id e r research. In s id e r research presents both
m ethodological advantages and disadvantages. Lipson (1 984 ) id en tifies
“ease o f en try, avoidance o f disruption of norm al group processes, prio r
knowledge o f some re le v a n t research questions, and an enhanced capacity
to e lic it in -d ep th d a ta” (p. 349) as potential advantages o f th e in sider
researcher. R eim er (1 977 ) suggests th a t an insider m ay also be b e tte r able
to in te rp re t d a ta and discount m isinform ation th an someone u n fam iliar
w ith the research setting.
D enzin's (1 989 ) description o f the id eal characteristics o f an
in te rp re te r o f biograp hical n arratives and personal experience stories
corresponds to m any characteristics of the in sider researcher. H e or she
should know th e vocabulary and referents for the language used by the
speaker, should know a t least a p a rtia l biography o f th e sto ryte ller, should
be able to ta k e th e te lle r's perspective, and should have had experiences
lik e those described in th e story. In addition the in te rp re te r m ust take
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responsibility for th e in te rp re ta tio n th a t he o r she provides, recognizing
th a t it is only one possible in te rp re ta tio n , and th a t it is u n iq u ely created in
th e read in g o f a p a rtic u la r n a rra tiv e by a p a rtic u la r in te rp re te r (D e n zin ,
1 9 89a ).
D isa d v a n ta g es o f in s id e r research. D isadvantages fo r an in sid er
include problems a ris in g fro m a desire to preserve th e co n tin u in g social
in teractio n beyond th e end o f th e research; fo r exam ple, a n x ie ty th a t the
research particip an ts not fin d th e ir contact w ith the research er socially
unpleasant m ay te m p t th e researcher to gossip, introduce his or h e r own
in terp retatio n s to th e discussion a t the expense o f h e a rin g those o f the
p articip an ts, and engage in ram b lin g , len g th y conversations th a t m ay
tu rn out to be o f little va lu e (P la tt, 1981). Researchers m ay fin d th a t th ey
have received in fo rm a tio n o r confidences th a t are m ore a p p ro p ria te to a
d iffe re n t level o f in tim a c y th a n th a t shared previously w ith a p a rtic ip a n t,
w hich m ay m ake it d iffic u lt to continue th e old relatio n sh ip . I t m ay be
d iffic u lt to disagree p u b lic ly w ith p articip an ts' understandings o f th e
shared situ atio n w hen th e group m em bers are p a rt o f th e expected
readership o f the fin ish ed study (Cassel, 1977).
Advantages gained fro m th e possession o f background know ledge
and shared understandings m ay be lost i f th e p a rticip an ts assum e th a t
th ey need not discuss or e x p la in things th ey assume are a lre a d y know n,
p u ttin g the researcher in th e position o f re ly in g on his o r h e r own
in terp reta tio n s. The research er m ay fin d th a t d a ta has been uncovered
th a t is p o ten tially d iscred itin g to th e group, or th a t reveals aspects o f
p riv a te or secret m atte rs th a t opponents m ay use to th e group’s
disadvantage (Cassel, 1977). D eeply personal em otional responses m ay be
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e lic ite d in th e researcher, le a d in g to d iffic u lty in focusing on e x te rn a l
events and reco rd ing fie ld ob servatio ns (K rie g e r, 1983; Lipson, 1984).
P roblem s m ay also a ris e fro m un exam ined su b jectivities and
in vo lvem en ts, affectin g questions asked and responses recorded. W h ile th e
p ractice o f re fle x iv e co nsideration o f one’s ow n standpoints and values is
expected o f th o u g h tfu l researchers w ho accept th a t th e ir research cannot
cla im to be v a lu e -fre e , some aspects o f th e research er’s unconscious
assum ptions m ay not be re trie v a b le in th is process. Some advocates o f
in s id e r research hold th a t th is is a self-co rrectin g problem w hen
experienced by a research er s tu d y in g h is o r h e r own society, p a rtic u la rly
i f outsiders have also attem p te d to explore th e sam e te rrito ry . Because a ll
research is va lu e -lad en , th is stance m a in ta in s , it is le g itim a te and
d esirab le fo r th e researcher’s ta c it un derstand ing s and covert dispositions
to be those o f a n a tiv e m em ber ra th e r th a n a fo reig n er. T h e im p lic it
in flu en ce o f th e in sid er’s assum ptions is th u s seen to be a corrective to th e
pervasive presence o f bias in tro d u ced by th e research effo rts o f fo reign ers
(A g u ila r, 1981; O beyesekere, 19 92).
M em b ership roles
A d le r and A d le r (1 9 8 7 ) propose a taxonom y o f m em bersh ip roles,
encom passing in creasing am ounts o f p a rtic ip a tio n and id e n tific a tio n by th e
research er w ith th e respondent group: perip h era l, active or com plete
m e m b e r sh ip . In m em bership ro les, th e researchers’ own feelin gs,

perspectives and em otions a re p a rt o f th e d a ta along w ith those collected
from others. In ad d itio n , th e fin is h e d w o rk is n o t intended to be read only
by sociologists or o th er scien tists. T h e stu d ied group is p a rt o f th e in ten ded
audience to w h ich th e research re p o rt is d irected (B lo o r, 1983;
H am m ersley & A tkin so n , 19 95). R a th e r th a n expecting to be read and
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c ritiq u e d o n ly by academ ic peers, th e research er m ay s o lic it m em ber
read ers' assessm ent and v a lid a tio n o f th e im age o f th e ir social w o rld
presented by th e study (S tacey, 1990). M em bers o f th e studied group m ay
also seek to a ir th e ir p o in t o f view about th e v a lid ity o f th e research,
in dep end ent o f th e researcher's in p u t or control (S ow inska, 1992).
Th e m ost involved m em bership ro le described by A d le r and A d le r,
th a t o f th e com plete m em ber, is fu rth e r d ivided in to tw o d is tin c t subtypes.
O ne o f these m em bership ro le subtypes is th e “convert,” in w h ich th e
researcher selects a s e ttin g fo r study in w hich he or she is no t p reviou sly
in volved, b u t becomes converted to group m em bership w h ile conducting
th e research. The o th er subtype is w h a t R iem er (1 977 ) described as th e
“o p p o rtu n ist,” in w hich th e researcher studies a se ttin g o f w h ich he or she
is alrea d y a m em ber. O p p o rtu n istic research is fu rth e r subdivided by
R iem er according to w h a t k in d o f fa m iliar area is chosen by th e
researcher: a unique life circu m stan ce o r tim e ly even t th a t places th e
researcher in an u n usual settin g ; special s k ills or know ledge possessed by
th e researcher th a t affo rd him o r h e r access to a social w o rld th a t w ould
otherw ise be d iffic u lt to en ter; o r a fa m ilia r social w orld or a ro u tin e
experience from th e o rd in a ry life o f th e researcher (R iem er, 1977).
In th is taxonom y o f m em bership roles, th e one best fittin g m y
s itu a tio n in th is project is th a t o f o p p o rtu n istic com plete m em ber — a statu s
eq ual w ith th e p a rtic ip a n ts , “sh arin g in a common set o f feelin gs,
experiences and goals. . . ap p ro xim atin g th e em otional stance o f th e people
th e y study” (A d le r & A d le r, 1987, p. 6 7 ). M y p a rtic ip a tio n includes
elem ents o f a ll o f R enner’s v a rie tie s o f op po rtu nistic research. A series o f
accidents o f tim in g an d circum stance have placed m e h is to ric a lly as an
active p a rtic ip a n t in m any o f th e m ajo r social, psychotherapeutic and
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s p iritu a l m ovem ents th a t have arisen around th e use o f psychedelics. I am
a m em ber o f a social n etw o rk in w h ich psychedelics have been and
continue to be used in a v a rie ty o f contexts. As a teach er o f pharm acology
to grad uate students, I am also equipped to understand th e com plex
psychoneurobiologic and pharm acodynam ic aspects o f psychedelic drug
use.
E n tree
Role im m ersio n . F o rre s t, w ho w rote about m edium ship and
s p iritu a lis m , and becam e a converted com plete m em ber o f th e w orld o f
psychics and m edium s, asserts th a t in th e case o f research settings th a t
include m u ltip le a lte rn a tiv e re a litie s and “a llo g ic a l” vocabularies o f
thought, th e only hope fo r th e researcher is entree as a com plete m em ber
(F o rre st, 1986). O ne m ay th e n see as a researcher nuances and layers o f
m eaning, and in tim a te and h id d en behavior th e very existence o f w hich
m ig h t be in v is ib le to anyone b u t an in sid e r. R a th e r th a n h a vin g to w ork to
gain en tree, or undergo conversion to th e beliefs and values o f th e research
settin g , m y ta s k as an o p p o rtu n istic in s id e r researcher has been w h at
H ayan o (1 979 ) called role iden tification and A d le r and A d le r term ed role
im m ersion: adding th e research ro le and perspective to perm an en t self-

id e n tific a tio n w ith th e group.
Role co n flict. Th e com plete m em bership role has been called “th e
u ltim a te e x is te n tia l d u a l ro le ” (A d le r & A d le r, 1987, p. 73). T h e re s u lt o f
try in g to su stain th e perspective o f a researcher w h ile m eetin g the
expectations and p erfo rm in g th e duties o f fu ll m em bership is an occasion
fo r role conflict, a s itu a tio n in w h ich th e beliefs and behaviors ap prop riate
to th e tw o roles are in co m p atib le. In m y own case, it has ta k e n m e m uch
longer th a n I o rig in a lly a n tic ip a te d to com plete th is pro ject, as I have been
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u n ab le fu lly to im m erse m yself in th e ro le o f researcher fo r an y len g th o f
tim e w ith o u t h a vin g th e dem ands o f m y com m unity life assert them selves,
m y own feelin gs o f iso latio n and loneliness overw helm m e, o r some even t or
process th a t I sim ply could not allo w m y s e lf to be le ft o u t o f f ill tim e th a t I
needed to do research. In ad d itio n I needed to spend tim e aw ay from th e
stru ctu res o f th e academ ic en viro n m en t and in m y accustom ed social
s e ttin g as a stim u lu s to a k in d o f deep th in k in g about m y w o rk th a t w as
d iffic u lt to do elsew here. I found th a t im m ersion in th e life o f m y extended
fa m ily provided op po rtu nities fo r d e b rie fin g and discussion o f ideas and
enigm as concerning psychedelic d ru g use th a t are not a v a ila b le in m y
sch o larly en viro n m en t. O n th e o th er h an d , I found it v e ry d iffic u lt to d etach
from th e in te n s ity o f com m unal life an d to stay focused enough to do an y
w ritin g w hen I was a t home w ith m y frien d s and fa m ily . I have been
obliged to spend m ost o f th e past several m onths alm ost com pletely alo ne,
aw ay from th e R anch w here I n o rm a lly liv e , in a s e ttin g m ore conducive to
focused e ffo rt and less fu ll o f d is tra c tin g hum an elem ents.
Role d e ta ch m en t. I f th is co n flict is ve ry m arked, th e researcher m ay
experience role detachm en t, s h iftin g back and fo rth betw een th e roles o f
m em bership and research, a lte rn a te ly fe e lin g alien a ted an d d islo yal to
each o f th e tw o. I t is not unusual fo r th e op po rtu nistic research er to have
d iffic u lty "creatin g and ad ju stin g to th e ro le o f researcher," since th e
m em ber ro le is m ore fa m ilia r and com fortable (A d le r & A d le r, 1987, p. 7 3 ).
B ein g a fu n ctio n in g m em ber o f a social en viron m ent w h ile also
rem em b erin g to a c tu a lly do th e observations and analyses o f th e research
process is som ething o f a ju g g lin g act. In stru g g lin g to re fle c t consciously
on a c tiv itie s and observations th a t w ould fo rm erly have been spontaneous
and unexam ined, one can become detached from feelings an d in sig h ts th a t
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are an im p o rta n t p a rt o f th e an aly sis, or one m ay sim ply lose tra c k o f th e
d e ta ils o f an encounter i f th e em o tio n al an d psychic content becomes h ig h ly
ch arg ed .
R ole stress. I t rem ains ch allen g in g to stay m in d fu l o f m y ro le as a
research er d u rin g in tervie w s in w hich th e respondent and I share
s ig n ific a n t common personal experiences o r know ledge o f and m em bership
in a p a rtic u la r social w o rld o r co ntext. O ne challenge is rem em bering to
ask fo r d e fin itio n s and p a rtic u la rs o f experiences and topics fo r w hich I
m ig h t reasonably be expected to have an e x is tin g descrip tive vocabulary
and considerable ta c it know ledge. I t is im p o rta n t fo r in sid er researchers to
a tte n d to these occasions as th e y arise , reco gnizing as the
in terview /co n versatio n unfolds w hen a topic m entioned by th e respondent
req u ires a d e fin itio n o r ela b o ra tio n beyond w h a t w ould ta c itly be assum ed
in an o rd in a ry conversation.
A second challenge is fin d in g a w ay to e lic it th e d ata d e fin in g or
describ in g th e respondents’ ow n fo rm u la tio n o f th e area o f in te re s t, ra th e r
th a n su p p lyin g m y ow n. I have created a fe e lin g o f confusion and elicite d
q u izzic a l expressions or c o n te x tu a lizin g in q u irie s (“are you te a s in g m e”)
from respondents by askin g th e m to d efin e o r describe som ething th a t I
“should” a lre a d y know . I have been ab le, to some exten t, to d im in ish
tensio n aro u n d these m om ents by e x p la in in g e a rly in the in te rv ie w th a t
such questions m ay be asked, an d th a t th e ir purpose is to be su re th a t the
in te rv ie w tra n s c rip t contains th e respondents’ view s, versions or
d e fin itio n s o f th e topics under discussion, ra th e r th an m ine.
M o re d iffic u lt th a n e ith e r o f these is th e s itu atio n in w h ich th e
respondent seems to be seeking ap proval o r v a lid a tio n from m e. In several
in te rv ie w s I struggled to re fra in fro m m akin g com m ents and observations
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about th e respondents' experiences and circum stances out o f a desire not to
color th e in te rv ie w w ith m y own opinions and outlook. P a rtic u la rly in th e
cases o f those respondents who described them selves as isolated from lik e -
m inded o th ers, or lackin g in social support netw orks, I experienced th is
practice as necessary b u t noticeably colder th a n m y usual style o f re la tin g .
C o m m u n ity stress. M y ro le as a researcher has occasioned some
stress in m y social environm ent, b u t it has not alw ays been th e stress th a t
I expected. I had an ticip ated th a t th ere w ould be some concerns about
secrets I m ig h t h e ar or te ll d u rin g th e in te rv ie w process, and th a t some
p o te n tia l respondents m igh t have an xieties about exposures th a t m ig h t
re s u lt fro m p a rtic ip a tio n in th is study. C o n tra ry to m y expectations, I have
found th a t th e re is also concern w ith “underexposure” — whom 1 chose not
to in te rv ie w , and whose stories I m ig h t not have h eard — th a n w ith
overexposure o f someone’s secrets or loss o f th e ir anonym ity.
I w as especially un in terested in in te rv ie w in g “th e usual suspects:"
those who a re m ost s e lf id e n tifie d and p u b licly visib le as m em bers o f th e
psychedelic social m ovem ents o f th e 1960’s and 70’s, and those who are
veteran s o f m an y in terview s and in q u irie s , and have been th e m ost lik e ly
to step fo rw a rd as spokespeople on o th er occasions. One w ell-know n
in d iv id u a l cautioned me th a t it w ould be in ap p ro p riate fo r m e to try to
w rite th e h is to ry o f th a t person's p a rtic u la r "psychedelic cluster" w ith o u t
th e co llab o ratio n o f those who hold key p arts o f th e com m unity c u ltu ra l
m em ory th a t I do not share. I agree, b u t th e h isto ry o f specific social
groups is n o t th e focus o f th is project, and I suspect th a t th e expressed
concern m ay have been as m uch fo r th e p o ssib ility th a t I w ould not present
c e rta in in d iv id u a ls as th ey w ould w ish to be seen, as fo r th e accurate
rep res en tatio n o f histo ric events o f im portance to group in question.
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A know n dilem m a o f th e com plete m em ber research er w ith w hich I
have also experienced some d iffic u lty is m y own re a c tio n to th e p arts o f the
com m unity o r w o rld un der study w ith w h ich I w o uldn’t o rd in a rily id e n tify
or associate in m y no rm al ro le as a group m em ber. I t is im p o rta n t to ta lk
to people th a t one fo rm erly ignored, to change th e tone o f existin g
relatio n sh ip s, to broaden th e scope o f one’s a c tiv itie s , and g en erally to look
w ith new eyes on th e fa m ilia r (K re ig e r, 1985). I have been tem pted to leave
unconsidered some people o r exclude observations o f th em from d a ta ,
because o f personal d is lik e , or em barrassm ent by th e ir behavior or style.
The fo llo w in g excerpt is from a fie ld note on a w om en’s group m eeting th a t
I atten d ed e a rly in th e research process:

[O ne o f th e wom en] stated in a m ore o r less d ire c t w ay th a t [she was]
g ivin g th e substances to clien ts fo r th e purpose o f s e lf exp lo ratio n ,
d iv in a tio n , m agic and h e a lin g . [She] self-d escribed as a sham an. Th is
w om an in p a rtic u la r gave m e a stran g e fe e lin g . She ta lk e d a lo t about
h erself. I had also h eard w h a t she h ad to say . . . in Septem ber and I
form ed a d e fin ite im pression o f h e r. . . She is v e ry in ten se and ra p id in
h e r speech, and she so fa r exceeded th e am ou nt o f tim e th a t th e wom an
w ho was hosting th e event th o u g h t th a t each o f us should ta k e to ta lk
th a t th e hostess a c tu a lly (g e n tly ) shushed h e r. T h e re w ere several
others who m entioned a c tin g as guides, o r "gurus" as w e used to say,
fo r others. I was ra th e r su rp rised th a t th e y w o uld say th is in a
m eetin g w here th ey c le a rly d id n ’t know everyone (m e fo r exam ple). I
[see th is story] (g ivin g trip s to others and ta lk in g sem i-p u b licly about
it) [as th a t o f a] w ould-be psych o-pom p, 1. . . I th in k th a t th ey are ta k in g
a re a l altho ugh sm all chance w ith th e ir safety, an d th erefo re th a t o f
th e ir clien ts in ta lk in g as fre e ly as th e y h ave. I t is m y un derstand ing o f
th e psycho-pom p’s ro le th a t she o r he is a rc h e ty p a lly an experienced
person w ho knows how to b rin g th e in itia te safely th ro ugh te rrito ry
th a t is a lre a d y fa m ilia r to h im or h e r. I th in k th a t it is possible to
ye arn fo r th is ro le, to long to be a person o f pow er , and to be looked up
to , and from th a t longing to ap p ro p ria te to o n eself th e title and th e
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im agined glory o f th e ro le. I ’ve yearn ed to do it m yself, b u t n o t fo r a
long tim e . I w onder i f it ’s a fu n ctio n o f age? I suspect stro ngly th a t i f
age isn ’t th e exact answ er, th a t th e re is some o th er m easure o f
m a tu rity th a t is.
F ie ld N otes, D ecem ber 3, 1995
I w ould ra th e r not have know n o r h eard about th is w om an’s
a c tiv itie s , and th e re are several lay ers o f reasons w hy th is is so. T h e ones
m ost obvious to m e a t th e tim e o f th e observation concerned issues o f
com m unication style and o f c o n fid e n tia lity , b u t th ere w ere also m ore
personal reasons w hy I responded to h e r as I did, and m y experience o f
m eeting h e r suggested to m e a n a rra tiv e p lo t, w hich is useful d esp ite m y
discom fort.
C om m u nity co nflict. As a fu ll m em ber o f th e group th a t I w is h to
study, b ein g associated w ith one p a rt o f a group can also im p act access to
oth er p a rts . I experienced th is in a v e ry e a rly phase o f th is study as one
im p o rta n t p o te n tia l p a rtic ip a n t w ith w hom I have a 25-y ear re la tio n s h ip
becam e suspicious o f me a fte r an en cou nter w ith an oth er group m em ber.
E a rly in 1995, I h eard from an old frie n d , “Jo anie,” a fo rm e r m em ber
o f th e “psychedelic clu ster” to w hich I belonged in th e e a rly 1970’s. Joanie
and h e r husband are senior s ta ff m em bers o f a respected local
o rg an izatio n , and Joanie is one o f th e few w om en, and n e a rly th e o n ly one
o f h er age, o f an y statu re in h er business. She w anted to know i f I w ould
p a rtic ip a te in a reunion o f wom en fro m our group fo r a discussion o f our
experiences and h isto ries. I was u n d erstan d ab ly en th u siastic ab o u t th is
in v ita tio n . A few days la te r, I was contacted by “S haron,” a w om an w hom I
did not know as a m em ber o f th is c lu s te r, b u t who presented h e rs e lf to m e
as h a vin g been asked to c a ll by Jo an ie, to see i f I could suggest som e o th er
possible in v ite e s fo r th e planned m eetin g . Sharon also m entioned th a t she
10 9
w as involved in research a t an oth er lo cal ed u catio n al in s titu tio n on a topic
re la te d to m ine.
I did have a suggestion fo r her: " L ilith ”- - a w om an whom I know
w e ll, and w ith w hom I had previously discussed th e experience o f
m em bership in th is group, and h er relatio n sh ip s w ith o th er m em bers. I
suggested th a t L ilith m ig h t help h e r to contact "M a rily n ,” a w om an who
had played a key role in th e h isto ric group, and w ho had had a
p a rtic u la rly in te re s tin g personal h is to ry and em ploym ent tra je c to ry since
th e tim e o f h e r group m em bership. I also rem inisced th a t I w ould love to
see tw o o th er group m em bers, “M a ry and M e rri,” b u t th a t I d id n ’t know
how to contact e ith e r o f them .
Th e n ext day, I received a fu rio u s telephone c a ll fro m Joanie. I was
"a spy,” she said, and S haron was w orse. She reproached m e fo r v io la tin g
m y pledge o f c o n fid e n tia lity to a ll group m em bers by t a lk in g to S haron. I
was ve ry ta ken aback by h er tira d e , and it was n o t easy to in te rru p t h er.
She continued by te llin g me th a t th e plann ed group reun ion w as canceled,
and w as not to be rescheduled. A t a m eetin g o f th e senior s ta ff a t h e r
w orkplace th e day before, she said, Jo anie’s co-w orkers had discussed the
psychedelic h isto ries o f some o f th e ir num ber. T h e w isdom o f th e group was
th a t an y disclosure o f d ru g -ta kin g by sen io r s ta ffe rs , even in th e past,
m ig h t have un desirable consequences fo r th e ir w o rk and th e n a tio n a l
m ovem ent to w hich th e y belonged. She h ad been expressly forbidden to
hold any k in d o f m eeting on th e subject, an d stro n g ly advised no t to
discuss psychedelics p u b lic ly.
I was v e ry distressed over th is encounter. T h e psychedelic clu ster
th a t developed around Jacob years ago w as th e closest I had ever come to
a devoted re la tio n s h ip to a s p iritu a l te ach er, and I w as dism ayed a t th e
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id ea th a t I had th o u g h tlessly vio lated im p o rta n t confidences. I t w as not
u n til she had hung up th a t I realized th a t Joanie had asked S haron, whom
I did not know , to c a ll me. I la te r discovered th a t Sharon w as a ju n io r
m em ber o f th e in s titu tio n in w hich Joanie w orks, th a t she is th e spouse o f a
w rite r on d rug issues, and th a t she had en th u sia stic ally discussed th e
planned reun ion m eetin g a t Joanie’s w orkplace, expecting an in v ita tio n .
T h is was probably w h a t p recip itated th e decisive s ta ff m eeting. I never
found out w h eth er Joanie had actu ally given Sharon m y nam e, or how she
got it otherw ise. N onetheless, I recognized th a t I had been rem iss in
ta lk in g to Sharon about anyone in th e group, and th a t I should a t le a s t
have called Joanie to v e rify h er re fe rra l. Joanie is s till not re tu rn in g m y
telephone calls m ore th a n fiv e years la te r.
S tig m atized research
A d le r and A d le r (1 9 8 7 ) w arn th a t e n try as a com plete m em ber m ay
tu rn out to be such a deep experience fo r th e researcher th a t it has
profound effects on th e researcher’s life , and in teractio n s w ith those outside
th e research se ttin g . O ne w e ll know n effect fo r those researchers who w ork
w ith stig m atized topics and “deviant” populations is th e “contagion” o f
stigm a (G o ffm an , 1963). I have been w arned by m y teachers, m y
colleagues, m y read in g and m y personal experience to expect to be
stig m atized by m y professional association w ith a devian t group,
especially by o th er academ ics. A lthough I have experience no
stig m a tiza tio n from m y w o rk in th e academ ic environm ent, I recen tly had
m y firs t experience o f contagion o f stigm a from m y research to m y c lin ic a l
w o rk.
A n a tio n a l group o f h e alth care providers w o rking in m ed ically
underserved areas and populations has rece n tly been considering m e fo r
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m em bership on th e ir n a tio n a l B oard o f D irecto rs. As p a rt o f th is process I
was asked to tra v e l to a n a tio n a l m eetin g in S e a ttle w here I was
in te rv ie w e d by th e association’s d ire c to r, s ta ff m em bers and board
ch airm an . O u r m u tu al professional in te re s ts in ru ra l h e a lth education,
m a te rn a l ch ild services, and th e problem s encountered by clin ician s in
fro n tie r settin g s m ade fo r in te re s tin g and com patible conversations. I t w as
only w hen I spoke about m y research in te re s t in psychedelic drugs and
n o n -h arm fu l d rug use th a t some sense o f s tra in en tered th e discussions. I
was p riv a te ly advised not to say too m uch about m y doctoral research to
th e board ch airm an , as he w as expected to be v e ry u n frie n d ly to m y view s
and in te re s ts , and th a t it w ould be lik e ly to h a rm m y chances fo r board
m em bership.
P ersp e ctival sh ifts
In th is project, I am m akin g a conscious a tte m p t to accept th e
o b lig atio n o f th e sociological im a g in a tio n im posed b y C . W rig h t M ills
(1959): to w o rk to understand m y ow n b io g rap h ical and h is to ric a l
experiences, th e b e tte r to u n derstand how I and others are e x te rn a lly
s itu a te d and in te rn a lly co n stitu ted by th e circum stances o f our lives. Since
u n d e rta k in g th is research six years ago, m y u n derstand ing s and
perceptions o f h isto ric psychedelic d ru g users and th e ir stories have
developed and m u tated . One specific p ersp ectival s h ift th a t I can easily
trace is in m y ideas about secrecy and disclosure in re la tio n psychedelic
experiences. I t w as a key experience fo r m e p u b lic ly to acknow ledge m y
conscious and w illin g id e n tific a tio n w ith th e ro le o f "user o f psychedelic
drugs,” alth o u g h I have m y own liv e d experiences o f m any o f th e sam e
kin d s o f events, effects and em otions th a t p a rtic ip a n ts describe in
in te rv ie w s .
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I can lo cate m y firs t consideration o f th is issue in a specific
conversation w ith tw o old frien d s, W avy G ravy /H u g h N a n ton Rom ney and
M o u n ta in G irl/C a ro ly n Adam s G arc ia in 1993. In a d in n e r conversation,
th e ev er-in c isiv e M G pressed us to consider how in v is ib le w ere th e seem ing
hordes o f people w ho had been psychedelic trip p e rs in th e 1960’s and 70’s.
T h ere seem ed to us to have been too m any fo r th em a ll to be in ja il, in a
T w elve-S tep p rog ram , in a m en tal h o s p ita l, in a m onastery. T h ere sim p ly
h a d , it seem ed to us, to be some seem ingly s tra ig h t m iddle-aged citizen s

around som ew here whose lives had been in v is ib ly touched by psychedelics
a t some fo rm er tim e and place. W h y w eren’t th e y ta lk in g about it now? M y
personal v ie w w as th a t th ey w ere too a fra id , th a t th e y th o u g h t th a t th e y
w ould be a rre s te d , discred ited p ro fessio n ally, disgraced before th e ir
com m unities, o r show n up as hypocrites to th e ir c h ild ren raised in a "ju st
say no” school en viro n m en t.
T h is conversation w as an im p o rta n t one fo r m e, and I continued to
consider th e questions th a t M o u n tain G irl had raise d fo r m onths, fin a lly
deciding th a t th is w as an area w o rth y o f a serious research in te re s t, an d
m eaty enough to co n stitu te an ap p ro p riate subject fo r doctoral research. In
m akin g m y a p p lic a tio n to U C S F in 1994, I w as as e x p lic it as I was th en
able to be ab ou t m y a re a o f in te re s t, and as fo rtu n a te as I could ever have
been in fin d in g a fa c u lty m entor in th e D ep artm e n t o f F a m ily H e a lth
N u rs in g , Jeann e D eJoseph, who w as com m itted to program s o f research
th a t gave voice to th e concerns o f outsiders, and o f so cially m arg in a lize d
and silenced po pu latio ns.
I continue to feel a strong personal id e n tific a tio n w ith th e role o f
“psychedelic d ru g u ser,” b u t m y com m itm ent to th is ro le is now m uch m ore
public and less a source o f an xie ty and m a rg in a liza tio n th a n I once
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perceived it to be. I t m ay be stig m atize d , b u t th e stig m a is now pu blic
know ledge, not a tim e bomb o f covert d is c re d ita b ility . In ad d itio n , I no
longer see th e n a rra tiv e s o f respondents’ h isto ric psychedelic experiences
them selves as th e m ost in te re s tin g p a rt o f th e p ictu re. I have become m uch
m ore in trig u e d w ith n a rra tiv e s o f how psychedelic experiences are
perceived by h isto ric users to have affected th em over th e long te rm . I am
m uch less c e rta in th a t these h isto ries a re being somehow a c tive ly or
consciously concealed by m iddle aged trip p e rs , and m ore aw are o f how an
experience or a topic th a t has little contem porary social relevance can
become in v is ib le sim ply by d e fa u lt (P e lle r, 1987).

The sam ple
Th e p a rticip an ts in th is research w ere eleven m ale and eleven
fem ale ad u lts, ran g in g in age from 4 5 -7 4 , a ll o f w hom w ere E n g lish -
speaking and capable o f g ivin g consent. S ix o f th e respondents are over
age 60, and one over 70. N in eteen o f th e respondents a re o f E uropean
ethnic o rig in , one is A sian , one is A frica n -A m erica n , and one is N a tiv e
A m erican. One is a V ie t N am com bat v e te ra n . F ifte e n o f th e respondents
are c u rre n tly m a rrie d o r liv in g w ith lo n g -term p a rtn e rs , fiv e are divorced
or separated, and tw o have never m a rrie d .
T h ree o f th e study p a rtic ip a n ts are p h ysically disab led, one as a
resu lt o f an in cid e n t re la te d to his use o f psychedelic drugs. One has a
h isto ry o f p sych iatric h o s p ita liza tio n previous to his psychedelic d ru g use;
another had a six w eek long episode o f d e re alza tio n fo llo w in g a psychedelic
session, b u t was never h o sp italized . T h re e respondents have been arrested
and h eld overn ig h t fo r m a riju a n a v io la tio n s , a ll m ore th a n th irty years
ago. N o o th er respondents have an y record o f o th er d ru g a rrests, b u t
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several have been arrested in a n ti-w a r dem onstrations or fo r o th e r c iv il
disobedience.
T h e ir occupations include business ow ner, college professor,
ph ysician , g e n eral contractor, m en ta l h e a lth professional, photographer,
accountant, a u th o r, public h e a lth p rog ram d ire c to r, nurse p ra c titio n e r/P A ,
sound recording tech n ician , m echanic, an d fin e a rtis t. One is unem ployed.
One describes h im s e lf as being ”on sab b atical” due to problem s w ith his
h e a lth . None is hom eless or receivin g g e n eral assistance; one receives
V e te ra n ’s B en efits.
P a rtic ip a n ts w ere purposively selected to v a ry th e tim e and
circum stances o f th e ir psychedelic use. T h e y e a r o f respondents' firs t use o f
a psychedelic rang ed from 1956-1975. E ig h t respondents had used
psychedelics in itia lly in a context in w h ich th e y w ere n o t ille g a l: tw o in
research se ttin g s, one in group th e ra p y , one in th e N a tiv e A m erican
C hurch, and fo u r others in p re -c rim in a liza tio n (before O ctober 1966 in
C a lifo rn ia ) self-exp erim en tatio n . A ll o f th e o th er respondents had firs t
experienced psychedelics w hen th e ir use w as ille g a l. S ix o f th e 22
respondents h ad had some psychedelic experiences in fo rm al th e ra p y
settin gs a fte r th e use and possession o f psychedelic substances becam e
ille g a l.
Psychedelic clusters as represented in th e sam p le
A ccording to psychedelic researchers S idney Cohen and S ta n le y
K rip p n e r (1 9 8 5 ),
A t m any tim e s , in m any places, groups have gathered to approach th e
M y s te riu m Trem endum . W hen drugs w ere used fo r th is purpose, those
gatherin gs could be called "psychedelic clusters" o f a sm all nu m b er o f
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in d iv id u a ls w ho w ere entranced w ith th e ir in e ffa b le experiences (p.
2 1 7 ).
In th e U n ite d S tates in th e second h a lf o f th e tw e n tie th cen tu ry, m any
psychedelic clu sters have form ed and dissolved, and some have endured.
The N a tiv e A m erican C hurch, is one h ig h ly v is ib le clu ster.
In co rp o rated in 1918, it continues to be a s ig n ific a n t s p iritu a l m ovem ent
w ith both N a tiv e and n o n -N ative adherents. O th e r psychedelic clusters
have form ed around th e w o rk o f some o f th e psychologists and
p s ych iatris ts w ho have ad m in istered psychedelics in th e ra p y . D r. O scar
J a n ig e r, fo r exam ple, ad m in istered psychedelics to ro u g h ly 900 p atien ts
and research subjects from 1954-1962, and 45 o f th ese in d iv id u a ls have
rece n tly p a rtic ip a te d in a fo rty -y e a r fo llow -up stu d y o f th e ir psychedelic
experiences (D o b lin e t a l., 1999). The w o rk o f an o th er th e ra p is t, a "pioneer
o f th e underground psychedelic th erap y m ovem ent" w ho conducted
psychedelic th e ra p y w ith an oth er psychedelic c lu s te r d u rin g th e 1960's
and 70's has re c e n tly been described by S to la ro ff (1 9 9 7 ).
T im o th y L e a ry and R ichard A lp e rt estab lish ed several centers fo r
exp lo ratio n o f th e psychedelic experience in M assachu setts, N ew Y o rk and
M exico, and clusters o f seekers sought them o u t, alo ng w ith police and
news rep o rters. Th e loosely-organized clu ste r know n as th e M e rry
P ran ksters tra v e le d w id ely throughout th e U n ite d S tates in th e 1960's,
and spun o ff o th er ill-d e fin e d psychedelic clu sters in c lu d in g G ra te fu l D ead
and th e H og F a rm . S teven G askin so in sp ired th e c lu s te r o f w hich he w as
th e s p iritu a l le a d e r th a t th ey m oved en m asse fro m S an Francisco to
Tennessee in 1971 to found The F a rm , a com m u n ity th a t has been
described as a psychedelic church. M em bers o f a ll o f these clu sters, as w e ll
as m em bers o f o th er less w ell-kn ow n b u t s im ila r groups, both h isto ric and
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contem porary* a re in clu d ed in th is sam ple and com prise h a lf th e to ta l
num ber o f respondents. Th e o th er eleven respondents are persons whose
psychedelic experiences w ere not p a rt o f a d is tin c tiv e social w orld or was
shared o n ly w ith a few frien d s, and w ho a re not associated o r id e n tifie d
w ith any psychedelic group.

P sychedelic d ru g use o f p a rtic ip a n ts
A ll p a rtic ip a n ts in th is study h ave a m in im u m life tim e experience o f
three or m ore episodes o f use o f L S D o r o th er psychedelics. The choice to
include o n ly those h is to ric users who rep o rted th re e o r m ore uses o f a
psychedelic w as based d e fin itio n s o f “serious” use fro m surveys conducted
in th e 1960’s. S ta n le y Y o lles, d irec to r o f th e N a tio n a l In s titu te o f M e n ta l
H e a lth , te s tifie d in 1968 th a t only 30% o f students w ho h ad used LS D w ere
w h at he described as “serious” users (S ub co m m ittee on P u b lic H e a lth and
W elfare, 1 9 6 8 ). E x p e rim e n ta l use o f L S D had been p reviou sly defined fo r a
Food and D ru g A d m in is tra tio n survey as 1-3 episodes o f use, and 72.8% o f
users surveyed w ere in th is category (R ic h ard s , 1969; S m ith , 1967).
Sidney C ohen d iffe re n tia te d th e "one o r tw o tim e user," th e "in frequ en t
user," and th e "re p e titiv e , freq u en t user" o f psychedelics. According to
Cohen, th e in fre q u e n t u ser "m ay ta k e [a psychedelic] a few tim es a year fo r
a few years, o r once every few years" (C ohen, 1968a) p. 76, allo w in g tim e
fo r in te g ra tio n o f th e experience before an o th er is sought. A ll o f th e
p a rticip an ts in th is sam ple described th e ir h isto rie s o f psychedelic drug
use as e v e n tu a tin g in to th e "in freq u en t user" p a tte rn , altho ugh some had
been re p e titiv e fre q u e n t users a t one tim e .
The tim e elapsed since th e respondents' la s t use o f psychedelics
varied from less th a n 2 4 hours to m ore th a n 25 years. A ll respondents had
firs t used psychedelics tw e n ty fiv e o r m ore years p rio r to th e ir in terview s.
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Seven respondents, th re e m en and fo u r wom en, had continued to use
psychedelics one or m ore tim es y e a rly since th e ir firs t experience. Tw o
m en had recen tly resum ed use fo llow ing m ore th an tw e n ty years o f
abstinence. B oth o f these respondents reported use w ith in one w eek o f th e
in te rv ie w . Tw o m en and tw o w om en had not used any psychedelic drug for
ten to tw e n ty fiv e years, and stated th e ir in te n tio n n ever to use ag ain . The
rem ain in g n in e respondents h ad used no psychedelics fo r periods ran g in g
from th ree to tw e n ty years, b u t could not exclude th e p o ssib ility th a t th ey
m ig h t decide to use ag ain .
TVip s a m p lin g process
H is to ric psychedelic d ru g use, even i f not ac tive ly concealed, is a
sensitive, p riv a te and o ften in v is ib le m atte r. The low social v is ib ility o f
h isto ric psychedelic d ru g users suggested chain or snow ball sam pling fo r
th is study (B ie m a c k i & W a ld o rf, 1981). In p a rt because I am alread y
fa m ilia r w ith a larg e num ber o f experienced m iddle aged users o f
psychedelics who are no t obvious deviants, I have had m in im a l d iffic u lty in
arran g in g in itia l in tervie w s and developing a larg e pool o f self-declared
w illin g p o te n tia l respondents.
E a rly in th e research process, I produced a b rig h t red 3 cm. bu tto n
w ith th e w o rkin g title o f th e stu d y, “Yes, Mom took a c id ,” in w h ite le tte rs .
These w ere o rig in a lly in ten d ed to be a sm all th an k you g ift to th e
respondents a t th e end o f th e in tervie w s. In ad dition I have found th a t
w earin g one o f these buttons as I go about m y d a ily a c tiv itie s and errands
fre q u e n tly serves as th e occasion to s ta rt a conversation w ith an in terested
passerby. M a n y o f these conversations w ith persons o therw ise unknow n to
m e have resu lted in offers to p a rtic ip a te in th is study. B ie m a c k i and
W a ld o rf (1 9 8 1 ) suggest th a t such connections are not com pletely fo rtu ito u s,
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b u t th a t a prepared researcher, w ho is sen sitive and a tte n tiv e to th e focus
o f research, is able to ta k e m axim al ad van tag e o f th is k in d o f o p p o rtu n ity.
A ided by th e a tte n tio n a ttra c te d by th is b u tto n , and by m y practice
o f describing the study and m y d esire to ta lk w ith in te re s te d persons in as
m any social groups as possible, I have contacted a g re a t m any people. I
have discussed th is project w ith fe llo w fa c u lty m em bers, doctoral stu d en t
colleagues, m y own N u rse P ra c titio n e r students, o th er h e a lth care
professionals, and th e boards o f th e tw o c h a rita b le foundations on w hich I
s it, as w e ll as w ith service w orkers w hom I m et in a com m ercial context,
people seated next to m e on public tra n s p o rta tio n , and w ith o th er shoppers
in stores. M em bers o f a wom en’s study group on th e use o f psychoactive
p lan ts have been h e lp fu l in broadening th e sam ple to in clu d e wom en who
have used a w ide v a rie ty o f p la n t psychedelics.
E th ic a l concerns and th e req u irem en ts o f th e U n iv e rs ity o f Ca lifo rn ia
C om m ittee on H um an Research have prevented m e from in itia tin g d ire c t
contact w ith p o ten tia l respondents w ho are re fe rre d by o thers. D isclosure
o f d ru g use fo r users w ho are unknow n to th e ir social n etw o rks, em ployers,
and law enforcem ent agencies m ig h t h ave s ig n ific a n t adverse
consequences (H a rtle y , 1982). To allo w p o te n tia l p a rtic ip a n ts to p ersonally
consent to disclosure o f th e ir h is to ry o f psychedelic d rug use, contacts w ere
no t asked to provide th e nam es o f p o te n tia l re fe rra ls . R ecru itm en t was
accom plished by askin g com m unity contacts and research p a rtic ip a n ts to
in v ite o th er p o ten tia l p a rtic ip a n ts to contact m e i f th ey w ished to
p a rtic ip a te in th e study.
The larg e num ber o f people w ho know about th is project helped m e to
develop a ro ster o f p o te n tia l p a rtic ip a n ts w ho have asked to p a rtic ip a te
and who w ere not previously know n to m e. T h is has served to d iversify th e
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pool o f respondents, both by m oving th e study beyond m y personal social
and c u ltu ra l m ilie u , and because o f th e id e n tific a tio n o f persons from m any
d iffe re n t social w orlds w ho w ere w illin g to be in tervie w ed fo r th e study.
R espondents h ave been selected from am ong these vo lu n teers using
purposive sam p lin g .
Because respondents becam e p a rt o f th e pool o f p o te n tia l
p a rtic ip a n ts by s e lf n o m in atio n it w as necessary to v e rify th a t persons who
m ig h t w ish to p a rtic ip a te a re ap p ro p ria te fo r th e study. Som e vo lun teers
w ere ve ry en th u sia stic , b u t could not e a s ily m ake th e necessary tim e
com m itm ent. E a s ily excluded w ere th e m any p o te n tia l respondents who
contacted m e b u t w ere too young fo r th e age c rite rio n o f th is study. A
fu tu re study m ig h t consider younger users, whose stories m ay be q u ite
d iffe re n t from those o f th e o ld er group discussed here. I t w as im possible to
id e n tify and p reselect respondents w ith personal ch aracteristics th a t
w ould fa c ilita te th e in te rv ie w process. V e rific a tio n th a t a p o te n tia l
respondent is a rtic u la te enough to answ er questions, p a tie n t enough to
provide ex p lan atio n s, and s e lf-re fle c tiv e enough to give a d e ta ile d account
o f his or h e r experience is n o t ea sily o b tain ab le before th e in te rv ie w begins.
D ifferences in these ch aracteristics a re reflected in th e in te rv ie w
tra n s c rip ts .
P urposive sam p lin g
The e x is tin g lite ra tu re has tended to over sam ple young w h ite m ales, and
to associate th e use o f psychedelics w ith th is p o pu latio n (H ousehold S urvey
on D ru g A buse, 1996). A tte n tio n to o th er populations has th e p o te n tia l to
disclose perceptions and p a tte rn s o f use o f psychedelic drugs d iffe re n t from
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those p resen tly docum ented (B eck & P re s ti, 1994). R a th e r th a n em phasize
th e c e n tra l tendencies o f th e populations sam pled by o th er studies o f
psychedelic drug users such as young a d u lts , w h ite m ales and p sych iatric
p a tie n ts , I sought purposively to select respondents whose personal
ch aracteristics w ould have m ade th em a ty p ic a l cases in previous study
sam ples. O ld er ad u lts, w om en, and people o f color, who a re tra d itio n a lly
underrepresented in alm ost a ll d a ta in d ic a tin g psychedelic d ru g use, w ere
sought fo r inclusion in th is sam ple w ith lim ite d success. A lth o u g h th e
re s u ltin g sam ple is gender-balanced an d spans fo u r decades in age, it
includes o n ly th ree respondents who a re not E uro -A m erican .
T h e sam ple was selected to v a ry th e e ra , circum stances and age o f
the respondents a t th e tim e o f use. O f th e 18 respondents whose firs t
experience was not in a fo rm al s e ttin g o f th erap y o r ritu a l, a ll took th e ir
firs t psychedelic a t or before age 30. O f these, tw o firs t took psychedelics
a t age 16 as high school students. N in e m ore had th e ir firs t psychedelic
experience before age 21. O n ly th e th re e who took th e ir firs t psychedelic
d rug in a supervised th erap e u tic s e ttin g w ere in th e ir m id -th irtie s a t th e
tim e o f th e experience.
T w e n ty respondents firs t experienced psychedelics d u rin g th e period
from 1963-70. Five o f these had th e ir fir s t experiences in 1963 o r 64, w hen
psychedelics w ere re la tiv e ly unknow n except fo r th e p u b lic ity fo llo w in g th e
“H a rv a rd D ru g S candal.” Tw o th e ra p y clien ts had in itia l experiences th a t
occurred outside th is tim e fram e: one in 1956, th e o th er in 1975.
Persons who s e lf-id e n tifie d as psychedelic “casu alties,” or who could
id e n tify specific d e trim e n ta l outcomes fro m th e ir psychedelic use w ere
sought fo r inclusion, and rep resen t ap p ro xim ately one q u a rte r o f th e to ta l
num ber o f respondents. In clud ed in th e ir n a rra tiv e s are stories th a t
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rep resen t a ll o f th e classic types o f "bad trip ” reactions described in th e
lite ra tu re : im m e d ia te panic reaction s, prolonged p sych iatric effects, and
“flashb acks.” O ne respondent who had received L S D as a th erap y clien t
had a frig h te n in g flashback event w ith in one w eek o f th e trip . Three
respondents had prolonged and unpleasant effects on th e ir thinking and
perceptions la s tin g weeks a fte r th e ir unsupervised experiences, in clud ing
depression and feelings o f depersonalization. O ne respondent had a panic
reaction d u rin g an experience w ith STP. W hen a com panion who was
a tte m p tin g to p ro tect h im attem p ted to re s tra in h im , he dove from a
second sto ry w indow , frac tu red his neck, and becam e quadriplegic.
Respondents w ho w ere not id e n tifie d "casualties" also spontaneously
described a v a rie ty o f u n p leasan t as w ell as p leasan t psychedelic
experiences.
Because o f m y in te re s t in how experienced a d u lt users o f
psychedelics p resen t th e ir d rug use histories to young people, I was
p a rtic u la rly in te re s te d in in te rv ie w in g respondents w ith ch ildren . S ixteen
respondents a re p aren ts or step-paren ts, six are childless. Three parents
alread y had ch ild re n a t th e tim e o f th e ir firs t psychedelic experience.
E leven respondents who had firs t used psychedelics before th ey had
ch ild ren or step -ch ild ren also used a fte r th ey becam e parents.
As p e rtin e n t categories o f p articip an ts w ere uncovered in
in te rv ie w s , purposive sam pling w as used to ta rg e t specific relev an t
ch aracteristics. A v a rie ty o f contexts fo r group use are included, such as
N a tiv e A m erican C hurch m eetings (one m ale and one fem ale respondent),
group th e ra p e u tic experiences (one m ale and tw o fem ale respondents), and
ritu a liz e d re g u la r use outside o f th erap y (one m ale and two fem ale
respondents). As th e existence o f d istin ctiv e “schools” o f psychedelic use
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rep resen tin g th e a dichotom y betw een th e E a s t C oast, L eary-in flu en ced ,
relig io -m ystical approach, and th e W est C oast, K esey-influ en ced , h ig h -
in te n s ity approach appeared in th e d a ta , I selected respondents whose
experiences had been in form ed by each o f these perspectives. T h ree
respondents s e lf-id e n tify w ith th e "E ast C oast School," and th re e others
w ith th e "W est C oast School."
S ocially in te g ra te d d ru g use. A n u n u su al fe a tu re o f th is study is th a t
th e sam ple was no t re c ru ite d from am ong classic convenience populations
such as in carcerated persons, those en ro lled in d ru g tre a tm e n t program s,
or m en tal h e a lth p a tie n ts . A lthough such po pu latio ns are easy to locate,
one o f m y in terests in th is study is psychedelic d ru g use by persons not
otherw ise id e n tifie d as h ig h ly d evian t (C ohen, 1994). O n ly one o f th e
respondents in th is study w ould be re a d ily id e n tifie d as a social d evian t o f
any so rt, and none as stereo typ ical d ru g users.
W ard (1 9 7 9 ) has suggested th a t d e v ia n t la b e lin g serves both to
describe the ch aracteristics o f people who are placed in a p a rtic u la r
d evian t category an d to provide a basis fo r c a teg o rizin g specific persons as
d evian t. T h is study seeks to expand th e category o f “d ru g u ser” to include
persons who are so cially in te g ra te d and fu n c tio n a l. T h is p o p u latio n m ay
not share th e a ttrib u te s o f populations o f ca p tiv e, c lin ic a l and
in s titu tio n a lize d d ru g users. Research based p rim a rily on those
populations has fa ile d to consider users whose d ru g use has n o t caused
them to be h o sp italize d , detoxified or in carce ra ted , and allow ed th e
developm ent o f policies th a t construct a ll use o f c u rre n tly ille g a l drugs as
h a rm fu l (W a tte rs & B ie m a c k i, 1989). I t is hoped th a t ta k in g a broader
view o f th e “d ru g user” m ay to s tim u late some social and p o litic a l
re th in k in g o f th e approach to “drug problem s” in th e U n ite d S tates.
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Procedures
P ro tection o f p a rtic ip a n ts
D u rin g th e fiv e years since its inception, study has received a to ta l
o f seven review s from th e C om m ittee on H um an R esearch, th e U n iv e rs ity
o f C a lifo rn ia 's in s titu tio n a l revie w board, re s u ltin g in its c u rre n t approval
as # H 5 0 8 2 -1 1 8 9 0 -0 5 . T h e process o f inform ed consent and advisem ent o f
th e respondents as to th e risks and benefits o f ta k in g p a rt in th is study
follow ed th e co nventional gu id elin es fo r th e v o lu n ta ry p a rtic ip a tio n o f
exp erim en tal subjects w ith a sin g le exception. A w a iv e r o f signed consent
w as approved by th e U n iv e rs ity o f C a lifo rn ia C o m m ittee on H u m an
Research since th e o n ly record lin k in g th e respondent to th e study w ould
have been th e consent docum ent, and th e p rin c ip a l ris k w as seen to be
p o ten tia l h a rm re s u ltin g from breach o f c o n fid e n tia lity .
In stead o f sig n in g an in fo rm ed consent docum ent, respondents w ere
v e rb a lly in form ed o f th e purpose o f th e study, th e d e ta ils o f th e research
procedures, th e possible ris k s , th e am ount o f tim e needed fo r th e in te rv ie w ,
th e procedure o f ta p in g th e in te rv ie w , and p o te n tia l b en efits to society o f
th e in fo rm atio n g ath ered in th is study. P a rtic ip a n ts w ere also in fo rm ed o f
th e ir option to w ith d ra w from th e in te rv ie w a t any tim e , th e ir rig h t to ask
questions about th e research, and th e provisions fo r m a in ta in in g
c o n fid e n tia lity . P a rtic ip a n ts a d d itio n a lly w ere asked to re a d a p rin te d form
co ntainin g a ll th e in fo rm a tio n in th e verb al e x p la n atio n . T h e respondents
a ll gave ve rb al consent, w h ich w as tap e recorded p rio r b eg in n in g th e
research in te rv ie w . D e ta ils o f th e in fo rm a tio n sheet and th e protocol as
approved by th e C om m ittee on H u m an Research are found in th e
appendices.
In te rv ie w developm ent
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D a ta w ere obtained from ad u lts aged 40 o r older by conducting in -
dep th audio taped in terview s o f in d iv id u a ls . In tervie w s included fa m ily ,
education an d w o rk h isto ry, and took ap p ro xim ately one to tw o hours.
D em ographic d a ta in clu d in g age, c h ild re n , education, em ploym ent, and
fa m ily h is to ry w ere collected before o r a fte r th e in terview s.
T h e o rig in a l in te rv ie w schedule w as developed by Jerom e Beck fo r a
1995 study: L S D . M D M A , and O th e r Psychedelics: A n E thnographic
S tu d y (N II3 A G ra n t R 01 D A 090 53 -01), on w hich I w orked as a research
an aly st. W hen I firs t applied to th e C om m ittee on H um an Research fo r
perm ission to conduct research on h u m an subjects, m y study was
conceived as a com ponent o f th e la rg e r N ID A -fu n d e d study, and was
covered by th a t study’s C e rtific a te o f C o n fid e n tia lity . F o r reasons in te rn a l
to th e sponsoring agency, the In s titu te fo r S cien tific A n alysis, I severed m y
connection w ith th e la rg e r study in S eptem ber 1995. As a re s u lt, th e
C e rtific a te o f C o n fid e n tia lity received by th e N TDA study no longer ap plied
to th is research. In order to re fle c t th is change, some o f th e in strum ents
w ere changed to ta ke in to account th e fa c t th a t no protection from
subpoena o r court order exists fo r th e d a ta collected by th is study.
B eck’s o rig in a l in te rv ie w schedule included both q u a lita tiv e and
q u a n tita tiv e com ponents and these provided th e fram ew o rk from w hich I
developed th e c u rre n t in te rv ie w schedule. In ad d itio n to th e sem i
stru ctu re d in te rv ie w , th is study as o rig in a lly planned used a stru ctu red ,
close-ended qu estion naire developed b y B eck to obtain a d e tailed d rug use
h is to ry . As a p a rt o f d a ta collection w ith th e firs t th ree respondents, th e
q u estio n n aire was ad m in istered e ith e r before or a fte r th e in te rv ie w , and
took 45 to 90 m inu tes to com plete.
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T h e com bination o f these tw o in s tru m e n ts w as q u ite aw kw ard. W hen
I ad m in istered th e q u estio n n aire before b eg in n in g th e in te rv ie w , th e
p a rtic ip a n ts seem ed to have d iffic u lty a d ju s tin g to th e m ore conversational
style th a t I h ad envisioned fo r th e in te rv ie w segm ent, often stopping in th e
m id st o f th e ir n a rra tiv e s to apologize fo r th e ir in a b ility to be precise about
dates, dosages and descriptions, to ask i f th e y w ere ru n n in g on too long, o r
to see i f th e y w ere g ivin g th e answ ers th a t I w an ted . A d m in isterin g th e
q u estio n n aire fo llo w in g th e in te rv ie w h a d th e effect o f s h a tte rin g th e mood
o f c o n fid e n tia l, em otion al and personal s h a rin g o f experiences th a t
developed d u rin g th e in te rv ie w , an d e lic ite d com plaints about th e
uncom fortable change in th e fe e lin g tone o f o u r in te ra c tio n . In both cases,
respondents protested th a t th e precise d ates, drugs and am ounts
requested by th e q u estio n n aire w ere lo s t to m em ory, and th a t it was
im possible to re c a ll o r provide th e d e ta ile d in fo rm a tio n I w as seeking. Th e
re s u ltin g responses had m any gaps. I e lim in a te d th e q u estio n n aire a fte r
th e th ird in te rv ie w , and I have n o t used th e d a ta collected from th e
q u estio n n aire in th is an alysis.
T h e q u a lita tiv e in te rv ie w schedule w as o rig in a lly designed to
em phasize d e ta ile d in fo rm a tio n ab ou t th e p a rtic ip a n ts ’ use o f psychedelics,
as w e ll as th e ir expectations, m o tiv atio n s , preferences, problem s and
p a tte rn s re la te d to psychedelic d ru g use. W ith each revisio n , th e in te rv ie w
schedule becam e sh o rter and m ore focused on values and b eliefs, and less
on descriptions o f specific psychedelic experiences and d e ta ils o f th e kin d s
and am ounts o f drugs used.
T h e evo lu tio n o f th e in te rv ie w schedule occurred slo w ly. I discovered
alm ost im m e d ia te ly th a t it w as im possible to ask th e sam e questions th e
sam e w ay o f each respondent. F o r th e m ost p a rt, th e in tervie w s took th e
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fo rm o f conversations ab ou t some p a rtic u la r and m em orable m om ents in
th e liv e s o f th e people w ho agreed to ta lk to m e. I trie d to give th e speakers
as m uch freedom to ta lk ab o u t w h a t th e y chose and as m uch co n tro l over
how th e stories developed as possible. H ow ever, I found th a t th e e a rly
in te rv ie w s , conducted w ith o u t m uch co n tro l on m y p a rt over w h a t th e
conversation covered, w ere e x tre m e ly long, tirin g fo r both p a rtic ip a n ts ,
and o ften roam ed fa r from th e subjects m ost in te re s tin g to m e. T h ey
contained fa r too m uch o f m yself, a t th e expense o f content fro m th e
p a rtic ip a n ts .
T h e o rig in a l in te rv ie w schedule w as overly d e ta ile d , fu rth e r
len g th en in g th e respondents’ tim e com m itm ent. Th e firs t th re e in te rv ie w s
took th re e to fo u r hours to com plete, in ad d itio n to th e tim e re q u ire d fo r th e
d ru g use q u estio n n aire. C onsiderable tim e and e ffo rt had gone in to m akin g
th e in te rv ie w schedule as com prehensive as possible by re v ie w in g and
in co rp o ra tin g questions th a t h ad been asked by o th er researchers
ex p lo rin g psychedelic d ru g effects. I t in clud ed seven sections to ta lin g m ore
th a n 65 specific questions, in ad d itio n to a d e tailed , 1 2 -p a rt d ru g use
chronology fo r each d ru g th a t th e respondent had ever used, in c lu d in g
alcohol and tobacco.
In O ctober 1995 I w as g ran ted ap p ro val o f m y revised re s e a rc h
protocol, o ffic ia lly title d “T h e S ociohistorical In fluence o f P rio r Psychedelic
D ru g U se in A d u lts ,” in d ep en d en t o f th e In s titu te fo r S cie n tific A n alysis.
T h e revised protocol in clu d ed a lte ra tio n s o f th e in te rv ie w schedule in ten ded
to m ake th e questions conform m ore closely to m y own research in terests
as d is tin c t from those o f th e la rg e r stu d y o f w hich I was fo rm e rly a p a rt. In
th is protocol, respondents a re not asked fo r d etailed in fo rm a tio n such as
exact dates o f ille g a l a c tiv itie s and m ethods o f acquisitio n o f illic it drugs.
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Q uestions ab ou t h ig h ris k sexual b eh avio r and h isto ries o f drug
d is trib u tio n w ere also deleted.
A to ta l o f fiv e a d d itio n a l revisions follow ed d u rin g th e p ilo t study,
each tim e re fin in g th e questions and redu cin g th e num ber asked in ord er to
b rin g th e tim e req u ire d to conduct th e in te rv ie w dow n to a m anageable one
to tw o hours. In 1997 I consulted w ith th e p resid en t o f th e
M u ltid is c ip lin a ry A ssociation fo r P sychedelic S tudies (M A P S ), R ick
D o b lin , about th e developm ent o f th e in te rv ie w schedule fo r M A P S ’ fo rty -
y e ar fo llo w -u p study o f th e p a tien ts o f D r. A rth u r Ja n ig er. M y suggestion
to in clud e questions on w h a t advice th e respondents gave to young people
about psychedelics and o th er d ru g use w ere incorporated in th e M A P S
in te rv ie w . I revised m y ow n in te rv ie w schedule to include m any o f th e
questions b ein g asked in th e J a n ig e r stu d y, w hich em phasized long-range
effects on values and b eliefs. T h is fin a l version o f th e in te rv ie w schedule,
o rig in a lly developed in 1998, de-em phasizes d e ta ile d descriptions o f
p a rtic u la r psychedelic experiences an d concentrates on lo n g -term changes
in a ttitu d e s , b eliefs, valu es, and states o f h e a lth , re tu rn in g to m any o f th e
sam e them es studied by M c G lo th lin and A rn o ld (1 9 7 1 ) in th e ir te n -y e a r
follow -up o f D r. J a n ig e r's p a tien ts.
D escrip tio n o f th e in te rv ie w
In a d d itio n to these megor rew orkings o f th e in te rv ie w schedule,
some m in o r change o r a lte ra tio n has been m ade in th e planned lis t o f
questions fo llo w in g alm ost every one o f th e la s t fo urteen in terview s. A s new
them es have a ris e n , or th e relevance o f questions th a t had fo rm erly been
discarded has been reassessed, th e y have been incorporated or
reincorpo rated in to th e in te rv ie w schedule, e ith e r as ad d itio n a l plann ed
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questions o r as suggestions fo r probes to be used i f th e g en eral topic arises
d u rin g th e in te rv ie w conversation. A ccording to M a y (1 989 ):
C onsistency in q u a lita tiv e research does no t re q u ire th a t every
in fo rm a n t be asked a ll th e sam e questions; ra th e r th e goal is to assure
th a t questions w h ich ap pear to be im p o rta n t a t a g iven p o in t in th e
d a ta collection phase are asked o f as m any in fo rm an ts as possible so
th a t subsequent in te rv ie w s can be inform ed by th em . (p . 179)
G laser (1 9 7 8 ) has described th is process as "th eo retical sam pling," in
w hich th e process o f in q u iry is directed by ideas and concepts th a t em erge
as th e d a ta is sim u ltan eo u sly collected and analyzed. As im p o rta n t
concepts and categories a re noticed, th e researcher attem p ts to m odify and
v e rify th em and to discover th e ir a ttrib u te s .
In th e fin a l fo rm o f th e in te rv ie w th e in itia l group o f questions was
used to introduce th e g en eral topic o f psychedelic drugs, and to e lic it
stories o f th e respondent’s own experiences. I t began w ith th e
estab lish m en t o f an agreed-upon vo cab ulary fo r discussion o f th is group o f
substances, an d m oved to th e respondent’s thoughts, expectations and
circum stances a t th e tim e o f h is o r h e r firs t psychedelic experience. The
n e xt group o f questions began w ith a general o rie n tin g in q u iry about th e
respondent’s life h is to ry , and a global request fo r h im or h e r to re fle c t on
an y self-perceived changes re s u ltin g from psychedelic experiences.
F o llo w in g th e b io g rap h ical question, a series o f specific areas w ere
explored fo r d e ta ils th a t m ay n o t have been included in th e biographical
n a rra tiv e .
Th e n e xt group o f questions addressed th e respondent’s know ledge,
a ttitu d e s and beliefs about th e effects o f d iffe re n t psychedelic drugs, and
in fo rm a tio n th a t th e respondent m ay have acquired about how th ey could
129
o r should be used. In clu d ed h ere w as a specific in q u iry ab o u t th e advice
and in fo rm atio n th a t th e respondent w ould o ffer to younger an d less
experienced people ab ou t psychedelics an d th e ir use, an d ab o u t drug use in
general. N e x t th e respondent w as asked to discuss h is o r h e r ideas about
psychedelic drugs in a social context, in c lu d in g w h e th e r an d how secrecy
about his o r h e r h is to ry o f use was m a in ta in e d , speculations about the
reasons fo r th e p ro h ib ited statu s o f psychedelics, and possible contexts in
w hich th e y could be m ade le g a lly a v a ila b le . F in a lly th e respondent was
asked fo r a global assessm ent o f h is o r h e r h e a lth , life course and lea rn in g
experiences, and an y p lan s fo r fu tu re use. Suggestions fo r probes to be
used i f p a rtic u la r topics w ere raised by th e respondent com pleted th e
in te rv ie w schedule, an d w ere th e m ost flu id p a rt o f th e in te rv ie w stru ctu re.
Specific probes w ere used to develop deeper u n d erstan d in g s o f key
concepts th a t appeared in previous in te rv ie w s , and to e n ric h areas o f the
d a ta th a t seem ed th in as th e d a ta w ere an alyzed .
As I have become m ore s k illfu l as an in te rv ie w e r, an d m ore adept a t
using extem poraneous probes to e lic it th e respondent’s spontaneous
n a rra tiv e , I found th a t it w as necessary to ask fe w er sp ecific questions.
The topics addressed in th e in te rv ie w schedule w ere o ften allu d e d to by th e
respondent w h ile n a rra tin g h is or h e r personal sto ry, an d d e ta ils w ere
m ore e a s ily and n a tu ra lly evoked in th is fo rm a t. M o st respondents
id e n tifie d self-p erceived effects as o ccurring on ly in some subset o f th e
m any areas probed in th e in te rv ie w schedule, w hich in clu d e c re a tiv ity ,
s p iritu a lity , a ttitu d e s to w ard d eath , va lu e s , goals, se lf-u n d erstan d in g ,
a ttitu d e to w ard and use o f o th er drugs, h is to ry o f spontaneous occurrence
o f psychedelic-like state s, an d p a tte rn s o f th in k in g .
The p ilo t study
130
In p re p a ra tio n fo r th is project, I conducted a s m a ll- scale p ilo t stu d y
th a t included seven o f th e in tervie w s discussed h ere. Respondents fo r th e
p ilo t study m et th e in c lu s io n c rite ria fo r th is sam ple b u t w ere not
pu rp osively selected. In s te a d , snow ball sam p ling w as used to contact
persons outside m y u s u a l social circle and resu lted in a sam ple w ith a
v a rie ty o f personal an d so cial ch aracteristics. C o n tra ry to m y o rig in a l
in te n tio n s , th e p ilo t sam p le included fo u r respondents whose use has been
continuous, as opposed to m erely h isto ric . Since I had a la rg e pool o f
p o te n tia l respondents fro m w hom to ob tain fu rth e r in te rv ie w s , I trie d
subsequently to sam p le m ore h e a v ily from those w ho w ere n o t c u rre n t
users, and to explo re m y in te re s t in issues around secrecy and
concealm ent w ith b o th groups, fo r w hom I im ag in ed these issues w ould be
q u ite d iffe re n t. As m ost o f th e p ilo t sam ple had no ch ild ren w ith whom th e y
m ig h t in te ra c t ab o u t _drug issues, I pu rp osively sam pled subsequent to th e
p ilo t fo r th e p aren ts o f school-aged ch ild ren o r young a d u lts.
The p ilo t stu d y p ro vid ed an o p p o rtu n ity to re fin e m y in te rv ie w
schedule and te ch n iq u e, an d a valu ab le exercise in th e m echanics o f
grounded th eo ry m ethodology. As an em bryonic research er facin g a
selection o f m eth odo log ical p o ssib ilities o f v a ry in g b u t s im ila r o p acity, th e
volum inous and c o n v e n ie n tly a v a ila b le lite ra tu re on grounded th eo ry
seem ed prom ising. A s m y exp lo ratio n o f vario u s o th e r m ethods progressed
I decided ag ain st co n tin u ed use o f grounded th eo ry. T h e m ethod’s em phasis
on th eo ry developm ent does n o t fu lly coincide w ith m y ow n a im s and goals,
w h ich tend m ore to w a rd u n d erstan d in g o f th e sto ried experiences th a t
m id d le aged h is to ric users have had w ith psychedelic drugs.
Respondents to ld lo n g com plex stories about th e ir relatio n sh ip s to
psychedelic d ru g use o ver tim e , and m uch o f th e richness o f these ta les
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seem ed to disap pear in th e process o f coding and categ o rizin g th em fo r
grounded th eo ry an alysis. A lth oug h th is seem ed to have m ethodological
prom ise in an aly zin g th e p ilo t d a ta, and gen erated a reasonably sturdy
little th e o re tic a l stru ctu re , I elected not to use grounded th eo ry fo r th e
m ajo r study. The in tervie w s from th e p ilo t stu d y contained a
preponderance o f n a rra tiv e s as a form in w h ich respondents presented
th e ir experiences w ith psychedelics. The n a rra tiv e an alysis m ethod, w hich
once seemed to m e th e w o rst o f a bad lo t fo r u n in te llig ib ility in
m ethodology, becam e less m u rky w ith closer study, and is a m ethod m ore
in keeping w ith m y in te re s t in in te rp re ta tio n o f in d iv id u a l life experiences.
D a ta C ollection
Procedures follow ed
M y firs t in tervie w s w ere long, ra m b lin g , co nversational,
arg u m e n ta tive , and contained as m any o f m y ow n id eas, experiences and
opinions as those o f th e respondents. By th e tim e I com pleted th e p ilo t
study m y in te rv ie w in g s k ills had im proved v e ry little . In S p rin g 1998 I
took a course in in te rv ie w in g a t U C B erkeley, ta u g h t th a t te rm by a
v is itin g professor from N o rth w estern U n iv e rs ity , A rlen e K a p la n D an iels,
an accom plished in te rv ie w researcher.
M y in te rv ie w in g s k ills began to im prove, and th e dep th and richness
o f th e d a ta in m y subsequent in terview s increased so m uch th a t th e
a n a ly tic a l tra n s c rip tio n is t in th is study com m ented on th e change in th e
tra n s c rip ts . D r. D an iels critiq u e d th e in te rv ie w schedule ru th le s s ly and
co n tin u a lly dem anded th a t I re fin e , sim p lify an d shorten th e questions. She
expected th a t a ll aspects o f th e in tervie w w ere subject to sc ru tin y and
im provem ent: w h a t to b rin g , how to dress, w h ere to m eet, w h eth er to tap e,
how w rite fie ld notes and how use a face sh eet to collect an d sum m arize
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dem ographic d a ta . She provided in s tru c tio n , exam ples and feedback on th e
use o f specific in te rv ie w in g techniques: how to show ap p reciatio n fo r th e
respondents’ special know ledge w ith o u t fla tte rin g , how to re fra in fro m
askin g m u ltip le questions w ith o u t a llo w in g fo r any o f th em to be answ ered,
how to keep m y opinions to m yself, and how to avoid "leading th e w itness."
She em phasized th e s k ills o f lis te n in g c a re fu lly , ta k in g little fo r g ran ted ,
and a tte n d in g to assum ptions, am b ig u ities and g en eralizatio n s by asking
fo r d e ta ils and specific exam ples. I lea rn ed to a n ticip ate th e need fo r a
probing question to fo llow up a broad g en eral one, and to have a couple o f
probes read y. Com m on expressions and fa m ilia r references began to
ap pear in th e tra n s c rip ts defin ed in th e respondents’ term s.
A n o th e r experienced q u a lita tiv e research er, Joel B row n, introduced
me to th e use o f G e s ta lt techniques to increase th e y ie ld o f d a ta in a sem i-
stru ctu re d in te rv ie w . H e suggested th a t I c a ll a tte n tio n to m y im m ed iate
observations o f respondents’ fa c ia l expression, postures, tones o f voice, and
speech p a tte rn s ; and in v ite respondents to elab o rate on these elem ents.
The in te n tio n o f th is technique is to cue th e respondent to an im p lic it
expectation th a t th e in te rv ie w m ay a p p ro p ria te ly contain affective
disclosures as w e ll as co gn itive un d erstan d in g s. T h is technique w as very
re w ard in g , as i t prom pted respondents to re fle c t on th e ir ow n in te rio r
experiences as th e y re la te d th e ir sto ries, an d to describe th e ir ow n sense-
m akin g processes around th e subjects b eing discussed. L in k in g m em ories,
reflectio n s and im m ed iate experiences increased th e y ie ld o f d a ta , and
encouraging respondents to m ake th e ir in n e r experiences e x p lic it in th e
in te rv ie w d a ta provided a u sefu l fram ew o rk fo r la te r d a ta in te rp re ta tio n
(B row n , 1991).
T a p in g and n o te ta k in g
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D r. D a n ie ls ’ advised ag a in s t ta p in g , suggesting th a t I ta k e w ritte n
notes d u rin g th e in te rv ie w s , n o tin g down ke y w ords an d phrases, an d th e n
fle sh in g th em o u t im m e d ia tely fo llo w in g th e in te rv ie w . I trie d to do th is
w ith th re e in te rv ie w s ta n g e n tia lly re la te d to th is stu d y, b u t I w as n o t
pleased w ith th e re s u lt. These in te rv ie w s w ere a ll conducted b y teleph on e.
P erhaps it w as th e use o f th e telephone, or th e sense o f m ild in tim id a tio n I
fe lt to be ta lk in g to these specific persons, a ll sen io r scholars in th e fie ld o f
dru g research, b u t I found th e re s u ltin g tra n s c rip ts d isap p o in tin g ly fla t
and la c k in g in d e ta il by com parison w ith tap ed in te rv ie w s . I w ould have
m uch p re ferre d to have tap ed th e e n tire conversations, w hich w ould have
allow ed me to recap tu re m ore p recisely th e choice o f w ords and tu rn s o f
phrase in w h ich some co n tro versial issues w ere discussed.
S till, ta p in g was n o t w ith o u t its own specific problem s. E ven
v e rb a tim tra n s c rip tio n lo st nuances o f th e en cou nter i f th e tra n s c rib e r d id
no t u n d erstan d th e vo cab ulary b eing used, th e speakers m um bled, o r th e
tape q u a lity w as poor. T h ere w as too m uch background noise to produce a
h ig h q u a lity ta p e in some settin g s, even w ith a good m icrophone. Th e
presence o f th e ta p e recorder m ay have in tim id a te d th e respondent or
constrained w h a t he o r she w as w illin g to ta lk ab ou t. I f th e recorder
m alfunctions (a freq u en t occurrence) th ere is no w ritte n record to fa ll back
on.
To avoid th is , and to provide fo r an o p p o rtu n ity to w o rk w ith th e
in te rv ie w d a ta w h ile w a itin g fo r tra n s c rip ts to be com pleted, some suggest
th a t i t is ad visable also to ta k e w ritte n notes (H a m m e r & W ild avsky,
1989). T h is is supposed to act as a fa il-s a fe m echanism , and increases
access and exposure to n ew ly generated d a ta fo r th e in te rv ie w e r, b u t
resu lts in some d u p licatio n o f e ffo rt. I found th a t I w as less a tte n tiv e to th e
13 4
respondent, less able to fo llo w th e flow o f n a rra tiv e , and less lik e ly to use
a p p ro p ria te probes w hen I took w ritte n notes. I have re lie d on tap e
reco rd in g alm ost exclu sively in th is study.
I t is im p o rta n t to have a re lia b le ta p e reco rd er, and a m icrophone
th a t is ab le to p ick up both th e respondent’s and th e in te rv ie w e r’s voices.
M a n y b u ilt-in m icrophones la c k adequate ran g e, and m ost e x te rn a l m ikes
re q u ire b a tte rie s . F o r these in te rv ie w s , I used a b ro ad cast-q u ality Sony
p o rtab le cassette reco rd er connected to e le c tric pow er, and a stereo
condenser m icrophone th a t takes b a tte rie s . I also brought a han d -h eld
b attery-p o w ered reco rd er w ith an in te rn a l m ike, m ade fo r news rep o rters’
use, to each in te rv ie w as a backup. The sm all m achine has an ad justab le
speed p layb ack th a t is v e ry u sefu l fo r re v ie w in g tapes and an n o tatin g
tra n s c rip ts . I can p la y th e tap e back a t fa s t speed u n til I reach th e area I
w a n t to revie w in d e ta il, th e n slow th e ta p e i f necessary to pu zzle out
a n y th in g th a t is u n clear. I le a rn e d to b rin g an extension cord, and lo ts o f
e x tra ta p e an d b a tte rie s to a ll in te rv ie w s .
E ven w ith excellen t eq uip m ent and adequate backup, how ever, I
h ave lo st d a ta from p a rts o f tw o in tervie w s and th e e n tire tape o f a th ird
due to reco rd in g problem s. M y o n ly recourse w as to an n o tate th e
re m a in in g ta p e w ith m y ow n recollections as soon as th e problem was
discovered, o r to ask th e respondent to re p e a t p a rts o f th e in te rv ie w th a t
h ad been lo st from th e tap e. N e ith e r o f these stop-gap m easures adequately
replaces th e o rig in a l sp o n tan eity and com pleteness th e tape provide.
T ra n s c rip tio n w as th e biggest expense in conducting th is study. The
average s ix ty -m in u te ta p e in th is study took seven and one h a lf hours to
tra n s c rib e . E stim ates in th e lite ra tu re suggest th a t tra n s c rib in g tim e m ay
be anyw here fro m fo u r to n in e tim es th e len g th o f th e tap e, depending on
135
ty p is t speed, sound q u a lity , en u n ciatio n , and how m uch th e ty p is t replays
th e tap e to check fo r corrections (H am m er & W ild avsky, 1989; M orse,
1994). A t $20/h o u r o f tran scrib e r tim e , a study th a t included 30 n in ety
m in u te in te rv ie w s w ould cost $3600 to $8100 to tran scrib e. T ra n scrip tio n
costs in th is study have been hig h , because in ad d itio n to tran scrib in g a ll
tap ed in te rv ie w s , I have also used tran scrib ed taped jo u rn a l notes and
fie ld notes to supplem ent to w ritte n note ta k in g .

T ran scrip tion
A n experienced, know ledgeable a n a ly tic a l tra n s c rib e r perform ed th e
tra n s c rip tio n o f audio taped d ata. I w as fo rtu n a te to be able to em ploy one
o f th e o rig in ato rs o f th e technique o f a n a ly tic a l tran scrip tio n to p a rtic ip a te
in th is study. The only person o th er th a n m yself to have access to th e ra w
in te rv ie w d a ta , she was a n unseen presence in th e in te rv ie w process.
T ran scrip tio n s included a d etailed cover page in w hich I solicited h er
feedback on th e style and substance o f th e in te rv ie w in clu d in g tap e q u a lity ,
in te rru p tio n s , oppo rtu nities fo r th e use o f probes, and spontaneous
m o d ificatio n o f th e in te rv ie w questions. T h e a n a ly tic a l tran scrib e r also
an n o tated th e tran scrip ts fo r in fo rm a tio n on silences, la u g h te r, loudness,
asides, sighing, and o th er no n-verbal elem ents (A lio to , B eck & B row n, in
press).
I com pleted a taped o r w ritte n fie ld sum m ary im m ed iately fo llo w in g
each in te rv ie w . As soon as it becam e a v a ila b le from th e tran scrib e r I
review ed each tap e w ith its tra n s c rip t to recap tu re nuances from th e
in te rv ie w se ttin g , and to a tte m p t to flesh o u t p arts o f th e tra n s c rip t w here
th e tra n s c rib e r had id e n tifie d problem s w ith a u d ib ility and/or vocabulary.
I m ade no a tte m p t to clean up th e te x t by e d itin g o r correction o f
g ram m ar, b u t I annotated th e tra n s c rip t to describe th e feelin g tone o f
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in te rv ie w speech, and noted w h a t m ay h ave occurred d u rin g an y pauses in
th e in te rv ie w conversation, as w e ll as n o n -v e rb a l d a ta such as sm ilin g ,
b lu sh in g , te a rs , changes in posture or p o sitio n , o r changes in fa c ia l
expression.
T h e a n a ly tic a l tra n s c rib e r in th is re s e a rc h , M au reen A lio to , has
p a rtic ip a te d in several q u a lita tiv e studies o f psychedelic drugs, and is
fa m ilia r w ith th e term s th a t are used b y b o th researchers and p a rtic ip a n ts
to discuss d ru g experiences. She w as fu lly b rie fe d on th e study d u rin g a ll
phases and com pleted th e e n tire w o rk o f tra n s c rip tio n , from th e p ilo t
in te rv ie w s com pleted in 1997 to th e p res en t. M s . A lio to also tran scrib ed
taped fie ld notes and jo u rn a l notes produced th ro u g h o u t th e study.
D a ta A n a lysis
Processing th e d a ta
D em ographic d a ta and in fo rm a tio n ab o u t th e im m ediate
en viro n m en t o f th e in te rv ie w and n o n -verb al events d u rin g th e in te rv ie w
w ere collected by w ritte n notes on a s ta n d a rd ize d face sheet and in a ta p ed
fie ld su m m ary recorded im m e d ia tely fo llo w in g th e in te rv ie w .
T ran scrip tio n s w ere com pleted as soon as possible fo llo w in g com pleted
in te rv ie w s , w ith th e tim e to com pletion a v e ra g in g about fiv e to seven days
fo r a n in e ty m in u te in te rv ie w . D a ta an aly sis began as soon as tra n s c rip ts
becam e a v a ila b le . C om pleted tra n s c rip ts an d fie ld notes w ere firs t read
w h ile lis te n in g to th e o rig in a l tapes, and a n n o ta te d fo r non-verbal co n ten t,
based on th e o rig in a l h a n d w ritte n in te rv ie w notes. N o n -lexical utteran ces
w ere a lre a d y in clu d ed in a ll tra n s c rip ts b y th e a n a ly tic a l tra n s c rib e r, b u t
d e tails o f w h a t w as occurring in th e room d u rin g passages m arked
"shouting," "sobbing," "heavy sigh" and so on w ere added to th e tra n s c rip ts
a t th is p o in t. In ad d itio n , areas noted b y th e tra n s c rib e r to be u n in te llig ib le
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o r d iffic u lt to in te rp re t w ere review ed and an n o tated , and discrepancies in
tra n s c rip tio n detected d u rin g sim ultaneous read in g o f th e tra n s c rip ts and
audio re v ie w o f th e in tervie w s w ere flagged and exam ined.
T h e fir s t seven p ilo t in te rv ie w s w ere o rig in a lly an alyzed using
grounded th e o ry . In th e second phase o f th e study I began a new process o f
an aly sis, in te rp re ta tio n and re v ie w , beginning w ith an n o tatio n o f each
tra n s c rip t fo r m a jo r and su b sid iary them es, stories o r plo ts (G oetz &
LeC om pte, 19 81). R a th e r th a n use th e p re-existin g codes fro m th e p ilo t
stu d y, I developed a new lis t o f them es and plots defin ed by th e n a rra tiv e
d a ta (L in c o ln & G uba, 1985). A s m ore in tervie w s w ere tran scrib e d , I
searched th em fo r p attern s o f them es or plots th a t had been noted in
e a rlie r tra n s c rip ts . A lso o f in te re s t w ere th e stories, them es o r subjects
th a t w ere ab sen t fro m some in te rv ie w s .
D u rin g th is phase o f th e stu d y, I w as also re -re a d in g th e p ilo t
in te rv ie w s fo r th e ir n a rra tiv e them es. U sin g th e in te rp re tiv e process
described b y D eJoseph and M essias (1 996 ), I began w ith "exam in atio n o f
in d iv id u a l sto ries and com parison and contrast o f in d iv id u a l them es and
sto ry lin es" (p . 1 0 ). F o llo w in g R eissm an (1 993 ), I read fo r th e n a rra tiv e
s tru c tu re fir s t, lo o kin g fo r th e w ay th a t th e story w as to ld . As I located
core sto ry lin e s I cam e to see each e n tire in te rv ie w as a sin g le n a rra tiv e , a
personal h is to ry o r reco nstru ctio n o f some aspects o f th e life o f th e
respondent, w h ich w as enacted w ith in th e in te rv ie w co ntext. Em bedded in
each o f th ese n a rra tiv e s w ere one or m ore stories about an in ten se
personal experience: th e use o f a psychedelic drug.
In te rp re ta tio n began w ith th e in itia l read in g o f each tra n s c rip t fo r
th e id e n tific a tio n o f them es, an n o tatin g th e p rin to u t w ith w ritte n m a rg in a l
lab els. N e x t I lis te d th e lab els , keeping a continuous ta lly o f how fre q u e n tly
138
each occurred. I th e n review ed th e lab els and consolidated some th a t
occurred in fre q u e n tly and seemed to rep resen t s im ila r sto ry lin es. A t th is
p o in t in th e p ilo t study, I assigned a colored fla g to each o f th e topics and
color-coded th e tra n s c rip ts fo r each to pic. As I moved aw ay from an alysis
and to w ard in te rp re ta tio n , I continued th is process w ith la te r tra n s c rip ts ,
b u t gave up color-coding.
As I developed a lis t o f s a lie n t them es, I rep eated ly re-w o rked th em
as new in tervie w s w ere review ed and incorporated. The lis t o f them es had
reached n e a rly its present form by th e tim e tw o -th ird s o f th e in terview s
w ere com pleted. B ased on these them es, I added probes an d questions to
th e in te rv ie w schedule, and sought o u t respondents w ho h ad p a rtic u la r
ch aracteristics th a t needed fu rth e r in q u iry o r exam in atio n , in clu d in g
p aren ts o f young ad u lts and ch ild ren , persons who rep o rted negative or
u n p leasan t experiences or sequellae, m em bers o f specific social netw orks
o r psychedelic clu sters, and persons w ho appeared to h ave "dropped out" o f
conventional vo catio n al roles.
E v e n tu a lly I id e n tifie d tw e n ty th re e m ajo r them es o r m eaning
categories, m any o f w hich incorporated several m in o r them es. I
p a rtic u la rly trie d to fin d labels fo r s a lie n t them es th a t w ere used by th e
respondents them selves, especially those th a t w ere m entioned
spontaneously, ra th e r th an discussed in response to a question. I t was
su rp ris in g how fre q u e n tly th e respondents offered in fo rm a tio n about topics
on th e in te rv ie w schedule w ith o u t h a vin g to be asked o r prom pted to ta lk
about these subjects or concerns. S pecific them es th a t w ere spontaneously
m entioned by m an y respondents included: th e differences betw een vario us
psychedelic drugs, and betw een psychedelics and o th er drugs; th e
ch aracteristics o f a psychedelic "guide” — e ith e r one w ho h ad guided th e
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respondent, or an id e a l guide who should be chosen fo r such service; and
schools o f th oug ht about how to trip , how to prep are, and w h a t to do w h ile
under th e in fluence o f psychedelics.
As th e lis t o f them es becam e m ore refin ed , I began using a C ontact
Sum m ary Form fo r each in te rv ie w . O n th is form I noted th e m ain them es
and issues covered in th e in te rv ie w , responses to specific research
questions; hypotheses, speculations, guesses generated by each contact;
s a lie n t, im p o rta n t, illu m in a tin g , or in te re s tin g aspects o f each contact; and
a category I called "W h at else to fin d out." F o r each o f these, I noted on
w h at page and a t w h ich lin e num bers re le v a n t in fo rm a tio n in th e in te rv ie w
was located. E ach in te rv ie w w as review ed in its e n tire ty fiv e to seven
tim es using th is sum m ary to locate s a lie n t them es and to develop a sense
o f th e p lo t o f th e respondent's life n a rra tiv e .
F in a lly I produced a sum m ary docum ent fo r each in te rv ie w . T h is
included dem ographic d a ta about th e respondent's c u rre n t age, age a t firs t
psychedelic use, y e a r o f firs t use, p a tte rn o f use, m ost recent use, and a lis t
o f drugs used. T h en follow ed a sum m ary o f th e n a rra tiv e p lo t o f th e
respondent's life sto ry, id e n tific a tio n o f how com mon them es w ere
addressed in th e in te rv ie w , and th e re le v a n t specific quotations from th e
in te rv ie w its e lf, cu t an d pasted w ith id e n tify in g page and lin e num bers
using a w ord processing program . U n u su al aspects o f th e in te rv ie w or o f
th e respondent's personal h isto ry w ere noted n ext. E xten sive selections
from th e in tervie w s w ere also cu t and pasted in to a sum m ary docum ent fo r
each o f th e s a lie n t them es from th e m aster lis t th a t occurred in th e
in te rv ie w . L a s tly I ed ited th e te x t to m ake th e p resen tatio n m ore read able,
rem oving some re p e titio n s and a lte rin g expressions such as "gonna" and
"kinda" to th e ir m ore g ram m atical equivalents.
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Summary
T h is ch apter has discussed th e g en eral to pic o f n a rra tiv e research
an d th e specific m ethod used in th is stu d y, n a rra tiv e an alysis. I t has
exam ined m em bership roles in th e conduct o f co n stru ctivist research , and
m y experiences as a com plete m em ber o f th e group u n der stu d y. T h e
process used to obtain th e study sam ple is o u tlin ed , and th e sam p le is
described in d e ta il. F in a lly , th is c h ap ter sum m arizes th e processes o f d a ta
co llection and th e procedures o f d a ta an alysis th a t w ere used in th is study.
141
C hapter 4: N arrative A ccounts
H e th a t h a th an e a r, le t h im h e a r w h a t th e S p irit s a ith unto th e

C hurches; To h im th a t overcom eth w ill I give to e a t o f th e hidden
m an a, and w ill give h im a w h ite stone, and in th e stone a new nam e
w ritte n , w hich no m an know eth save h im th a t receiveth it.
R ev elatio n 11:17
In th is chapter a re presented th e personal h isto ries o f eleven o f th e
tw e n ty -tw o p a rticip an ts in th is stu d y. T h e personal experiences and se lf
sto ries chosen by th e n a rra to rs h ave been shaped by th e in te rv ie w
q u estion s, and by th e n a rra to rs ' in te ra c tio n s w ith m e, a researcher who
shares m any s im ila r experiences as w e ll as m uch o f th e p a rtic ip a n ts '
o u tlo o k an d valu e system s re la te d to psychedelic d ru g use. M ost
p a rtic ip a n ts acknow ledged th a t th e y had not ta lk e d about th e experiences
described h ere fo r years, and som e stories had n ever been to ld before.
P a rtic ip a n ts rep eated ly th an k ed m e fo r m y in te re s t in th e ir psychedelic
experiences, and fo r th e o p p o rtu n ity provided by th e te llin g o f th e ir stories
to re -e n te r and re-exam in e o th erw ise unseen p a rts o f th e ir personal liv e s .
A ll eleven in tervie w s p res en t exam ples and descriptions o f a c e n tra l
th em e occurring in n e a rly a ll th e n a rra tiv e s in th is study, th a t o f
experiences o f "interconnectedness" th a t w ere considered by th e
respondents in th is study to be one o f th e ir m ost im p o rta n t psychedelic
in s ig h ts . T h e d etails o f these experiences, th e ir im m ed iate im pacts, and th e
p a rtic ip a n ts ' u n derstand ing o f th e ir lo ng-range effects d iffe r fo r each
n a rra tiv e . B oth in ten sely p o sitive an d p leasu rab le, and extrem ely n eg ative
14 2
and uncom fortable experiences w ere described in in te rv ie w s , an d are
presented h ere. Some o f th e p a rtic ip a n ts have w o rked to rem em ber and
in te g ra te th e ir experiences, others have stru ggled to fo rg et and overcom e
th em . T h e n a rra tiv e s presented include exam ples fro m th e range o f
a ttitu d e s and perspectives about psychedelic d ru g experiences discussed
by th e stu d y p a rtic ip a n ts .
T h e S tories
D en zin (1 989 ) has suggested th a t n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n begins
w ith th e collection o f tw o d iffe re n t types o f stories: th e p e rso n a l experience
s to r y , w hich places th e te lle r in a n a rra tiv e o f a p a st even t, and th e self-

story-. "a n a rra tiv e th a t creates and in te rp re ts a s tru c tu re o f experience
th a t is being to ld about; th e s e lf o f th e te lle r is th e cen ter o f th e story" (p .
114). S e lf- and personal experience stories are th e n used in conversations
and in te rv ie w s to reconstruct perso n a l h isto rie s , th e contexts in w h ich
personal experiences and self-sto ries are em bedded. In th e in te ra c tiv e
in te rv ie w process respondents have re la te d m any personal experience
stories about instances o f psychedelic d ru g use. Respondents have also to ld
self-sto ries th a t revealed th e ir ow n understandings o f these experiences as
th e y have developed over tim e , and th e ir s e lf-in te rp re ta tio n s o f these
stories as elem ents o f a personal h isto ry. T h e fo llo w in g exam ples from th e
tran scrib ed in tervie w s illu s tra te how se lf- and personal experience stories
are in terw o ven in creatin g th e personal h isto ries re la te d in th e
respondents' n a rra tiv e s .
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E leven P ersonal H is to rie s
"The b e ll to lls fo r thee."
D B had h e r o n ly experiences w ith psychedelics m ore th a n 25 years
ago. She h ad developed an in te re s t in B uddhism and w as studying
com parative re lig io n around th e tim e o f h e r firs t LS D experience, w hich
she describes as "pow erful an d in terestin g ." W hen D B took L S D in 1968
and 69 , th e use o f psychedelics w as c u ltu ra lly s a lie n t, co n tro versial and
w ell p u b licized . D esp ite h a v in g been exposed to representatio ns o f the
psychedelic experience in lite ra tu re , m usic and p o etry o f th a t e ra , she had
few expectations and little p rep aratio n fo r h e r firs t trip .
I: W h a t m ade you ta k e psychedelics w hen you took them ?

R : [heavy sigh] I th in k I w an ted to see w h a t i t w as ab ou t. I rem em ber
being cautious about it. A little nervous about it . U m , it w as cle arly a
big th in g fo r m e. [em p hatic] A t least th e fir s t tim e . A nd th e second tim e
I w as probably w ay too casual about it! [laughs] U m , b u t I w anted to
know w h a t th a t experience w as about.
I: A nd how d id you g et an id e a th a t it w as about anything?
R: [heavy sigh] I suppose people ta lk in g . M u sic. P o etry. I t w as p a rt o f
th e c u ltu re th en .
I: A nd did you have an y expectations fo r w h a t w ould happen ?
R: N o, no t re a lly . I m ean, people ta lk e d about th e re being a sense o f
s p iritu a lity an d cosm ic consciousness and s tu ff lik e th a t. B u t in
retrospect I don’t th in k I re a lly had an y id ea w h a t th a t w as about.
M aybe I have a tin y id ea now! [laughs] U m , I was re ad in g A la n W atts
and s tu ff lik e th a t, b u t it ’s h a rd to know , it ’s h a rd to re c a ll w h a t I
understood back th e n . . . b u t I don’t know th a t I expected an yth in g in
p a rtic u la r except th a t it w as going to be v e ry u n u su al.
I: A nd w as th a t because o f som ething someone to ld you?
R : I th in k lots o f people ta lk e d about using acid. A nd g e ttin g high. A nd
I don’t rem em ber an y specific conversations now. U h , I ’m sure it was
a ll over th e place, though! [em phatic] In s tu ff I re a d , and saw , and
heard about. U m , I rem em ber A lan G insberg, I don’t know i f he ever
144
ta lk e d about ac id , b u t ju s t th a t w hole c u ltu re . A la n G in sb erg w as a t
[C ollege], and L e a ry w as around. . .
A lth o u g h m an y o f h e r contem poraries w ere using an d discussing
psychedelics, D B approached th e experience w ith cau tio n , m a k in g sure
th a t she was in a safe place and p ro vid in g h e rs e lf w ith a gu ide. D esp ite
h a v in g h eard descriptions from others, she found h e r experience
s u rp ris in g .
R : I had a k in d o f a guide w ith m e. A nd w e s tarted o u t s ittin g in a

room p riv a te ly . A nd I th in k th a t fo r a long tim e w h a te v e r w as going on
I had no re c a ll fo r. I rem em ber a t some p o in t, and I m u st have been
com ing dow n a t th a t tim e, beginning to stru ggle w ith th e concept o f
language. A nd try in g to th in k about th e notion o f w ords. A nd I th in k I
w as try in g to fin d w ords fo r m y experience, and I w as try in g to
com prehend ab o u t [laughs] language. A nd rem em bering th a t people
h ad words to describe w h at th ey experienced. I w as try in g to w o rk
th a t ou t, to rem em ber about language. U m , [pauses] an d I rem em ber
th e on ly words I could th in k o f about w h a t I was fe e lin g an d I th in k
m aybe I said th em a t one p o in t, or som ehow th ey becam e c le a r in m y
m in d , “I t ’s an orgasm !” [laughs] I rem em ber th a t, “I t ’s a n orgasm !” B u t
it , b u t it, I didn’t m ean lik e a sexual orgasm . I t w as lik e a w hole
u n iverse k in d o f th in g . I t w asn’t sexual a t a ll. W e ll, i t w as sexual b u t
beyond, uh , everyd ay, how do I p u t th is? [heavy sigh, pauses] U m , it
h ad to do w ith in n er-b ein g . So, um , I guess it w as sensual b u t it had to
do w ith e v e ry th in g being connected.
D B sp ecifically id e n tifie s experiencing a sense o f connectedness as an
im p o rta n t p a rt o f h e r psychedelic experience. She describes th is
connectedness as an energy or an in tellig en ce in w hich w e a ll p a rta k e . The
social conventions an d constraints th a t a re p a rt o f d a ily life serve to lim it
o u r aw areness o f th a t p a rtic ip a tio n , w h ich she senses becomes g re a te r
a fte r d eath .
145
I : A n y th in g else th a t yo u rem em ber?
R : O kay, a t some p o in t, I don’t rem em ber w hen m y guide suggested we
go to th e woods. I don’t rem em ber d riv in g th e re , I don’t rem em ber
b rin g in g th a t about. B u t I rem em ber b eing in th e woods and w a lk in g
around. A n d b egin nin g to fe e l an g ry as I began to rem em ber about
c u ltu re an d how people w ere supposed to behave. A nd I began to have
a sense th a t I w as a s e p a ra te person ag ain . U m , and s ta rted to
rem em ber th e ru le s , an d b ein g a n g ry th a t I h ad to w ear clothes!
[laughs] I t did n ’t seem reasonable th a t people should have to w ea r
clothes! A n d I fe lt v e ry m uch, um , im p riso n ed by ou r cu ltu re,
[em phatic] R e a lly w an ted to b reak o u t and be fre e in a d iffe re n t k in d o f
w ay! A n d th a t’s a ll I rem em b er ab o u t it .
I: A nd d id a n yth in g change as a re s u lt o f h a vin g done th at?
R : I ’m n o t sure. I m ean I , I to ok [classes in ] E a s te rn relig ions and I did
a lo t o f read in g , about B uddhism an d a ll o f th a t an d I don’t know i f th a t
s ta rte d before or a fte r th e acid. I t seem s lik e i t w as a ll p a rt and parcel.
I w as esp ecially a ttra c te d to B uddhism , I th in k . A nd have come back
to th a t ag a in in m y old age. [pause, h e avy sigh]
I: T e ll m e m ore about th a t? L ik e w h a t yo u r s p iritu a l and philosophical
background was? A nd how you’ve evolved in re la tio n to th at?
R : O kay. I h ad grow n up M e th o d is t, a P ro te s ta n t u p b rin g in g , and was
in te rm itte n tly in te re s te d an d u n -in te re s te d in C h ris tia n ity . U h , I thin k
it w as n o t a b ig p a rt o f m y life a t [C o lleg e], alth o u g h th ere w as alw ays
an in te re s t in a m o ral sense and a s p iritu a l sense. B u t I w asn’t alw ays
a c tiv e ly p u rsu in g th a t. I t w asn’t im p o rta n t to m e. So I studied th e
E a s te rn relig io n s some a t [C ollege], [h eav y sigh] A nd th en I th in k th ere
w ere m any years w hen I d id n ’t th in k about i t p a rtic u la rly . I m ig h t
have occasionally picked up a book, u m , and occasionally had a
co nversation.. . . I don’t re c a ll ever th in k in g about th a t acid tr ip a
w hole lo t a fterw ard s , o r b e in g aw are o f a p a rtic u la r effect. I
rem em bered it w hen I s ta rte d doing m e d ita tio n and found th e
experiences som ew hat com parable. B u t i f it changed m e, it m ay have
changed m e in w ays F m n o t aw are o f. I don’t know i f th a t w as m y firs t
experience o f a fe e lin g o f connectedness., and i t c e rta in ly was not m y
firs t experience o f fe e lin g a n g ry ab o u t o u r c u ltu re ! [laughs] B u t i t was
a p o w erfu l one! [em p h atic] I t ’s in te re s tin g though, b u t I don’t th in k I
146
th o u g h t about th a t a w hole lo t a fte r th a t. M aybe fo r a y e a r o r tw o I
d id , b u t th en it sort o f faded and I w en t on to o ther things and becam e
so rt o f a fa irly stra ig h tish person, and got busy w ith , you know ,
m akin g a paycheck, feeding th e kid s, doing th e dishes sort o f s tu ff. . .
I: D id a n y th in g in th a t experience suggest to you a s p iritu a l
connotation o r a religious connotation?
R : I th in k it was suggested to m e before and by things people said,
th in g s th a t w ere w ritte n about it.
I : A nd w h a t about th e experience its elf? I m ean, d id it have s p iritu a l
dim ensions fo r you th a t you can recall?
R : Y eah , b u t not, not w h a t I w as used to th in k in g o f as s p iritu a l. U m ,
how do I p u t it? I t w asn’t about a God, lik e a C h ris tia n God k in d o f
th in g . I t w as about inter-connectedness. I don’t know i f I th o u g h t ab o u t
God a t a ll a t th a t tim e! In retrospect I w ould say th a t’s somehow m y
sense o f w h a t w h atever God th e re is m ig h t be lik e . T h a t it ’s about th a t
inter-connectedness.
I : H ow d id you come to th in k o f inter-connectedness as a s p iritu a l
experience given th a t you so rt o f knew a C h ris tia n God w ith a d iffe re n t
k in d o f p o in t o f view?
R : [pauses] . . .1 w ould guess th a t th e C h ris tia n God notion is
som ething developed by people, and th a t nobody knows about a ll o f
those b ig questions. . . A nd I don’t re a lly see God so m uch as a person.
I don’t personify God. I have no id ea who or w h at God is, o r i f th e re is
an in te llig e n c e , although th e re probably is some so rt o f in tellig en ce.
B u t w h atev er it is, those [LS D ] experiences lead m e to believe th a t w e
a ll p a rta k e in w hatever th is energy is. A nd I don’t know w h a t happens
w hen w e g et freed from th is life . B u t it, th ere’s a sense th a t w e g et to
p a rtic ip a te w ith m ore freedom and a g re a te r aw areness in some
energy th a t w e don’t com prehend ve ry w e ll. A nd I have no id ea w h a t
th a t has to do w ith th e C h ris tia n God. P robably som ething. T h ere’s a
lo t o f re a lly n e a t s tu ff in th e C h ris tia n scriptures, b u t I d id n ’t g et th a t
s tu ff w hen I w as a k id . I f it w as com m unicated I didn’t un derstand it .
So th e re ’s a tie -in . Th ere’s some v e ry in s ig h tfu l C h ris tia n s tu ff. A nd
th e re ’s some ve ry in s ig h tfu l B ud dhist s tu ff. A nd a lo t o f th e relig io n s
re a lly a ll say th e same stu ff. I t ’s [in ] th e la y practice o f th e re lig io n s , I
th in k , th a t th e re are th e problem s. Y ou know , w h eth er you . . . bow to
147
th e E a s t o r th e W est! [laughs] O r w h a te v e r! A nd who cares? Y ou
know? I don’t care. T h a t’s n o t about th e connectedness. A nd th e
connectedness is im p o rta n t because, um , "The b e ll to lls fo r th ee." A nd
th e m ore w e can be, fo r m e, th e m ore I can be m in d fu l o f m y place h e re ,
and th a t sense o f connectedness, an d w ho I re a lly am , w hich is th e
sam e as you, and you are m e, and th a t old s tu ff th a t I didn’t
un derstand back in th e ‘60’s, th a t m akes a little m ore sense now . M y
life is m ore valu ab le i f I can rem em ber th a t s tu ff, [em phatic] I can
behave w ith g reater in te g rity w h en I rem em b er th a t.
In sp ite o f h avin g had a com pelling experience o f an in te r
connectedness in w hich w e a ll p a rtic ip a te , and fu rth e r reinforcem en t o f th is
u n d erstan d in g in m ed itatio n p ractice, i t has been d iffic u lt fo r D B to
m a in ta in a m in d fu l d a ily aw areness o f th a t u n d erstan d in g , slip p in g
in stead in to d isab lin g fears and w o rries. N e ith e r th e s p iritu a l tra d itio n in
w hich she w as raised, no r th e values o f th e social environm ent in w hich she
lives and w orks support h e r in try in g to a c tu a lize h e r un derstand ing o f
inter-connectedness, and th e "in tellig en ce" and "energy" in w hich w e a ll
p a rta k e .
R : I th in k w e liv e in a lo t o f fe a r. Y ou’re going to re a lly get m e going

here! [laughs] U m , I liv e in a lo t o f fe a r and I th in k m ost people liv e in a
lo t o f fe a r. M aybe m y perspective is som ew hat skewed by m y w o rk. I
c e rta in ly see a lo t o f fe a r every d ay. [em p hatic] I ’ve seen it in m y own
life grow ing up , and facing some th in g s th a t I never had an y id ea th a t
I w ould h ave to face back in th e ‘6 0 ’s and ‘70's. A nd try in g to le a rn
about le ttin g go o f th a t. Th e fe a r doesn’t do us any good, it ju s t k ills us!
[em phatic] T ry in g to rem em ber th e re ’s n o th in g to be a fra id o f is a v e ry
d iffic u lt concept on a day to day basis. To le t go o f th ing s, to le t go of:
[heavy sigh] "Am I going to m ake enough m oney to give m y kid s th e
k in d o f life I w an t to give them ?" A n d th e n rem em bering it ’s n o t about
m oney. A nd: "Can I pay th e taxes th is y e a r o r am I going to have to
rack i t up on th e cred it cards again?" A nd th e n rem em bering th a t’s n o t
im p o rta n t, [laughs] A nd to be te rrifie d ab ou t m y ch ildren’s h e a lth a t
14 8
tim es . A n d th e n try in g to rem em ber th a t even i f th e y d ie th a t’s okay.
A n d try in g to get th a t set in m y head. A nd in m y h e a rt. A nd w e fo rg et,
an d w e fo rg e t, and w e fo rg et w h a t w e know ! [laughs] U m , th e re w ould
be b e n e fit in fin d in g m ore w ays to keep teach th is s tu ff to ch ild ren a t
younger ages w h ere i t becomes m ore o f a p a rt o f o u r c u ltu re . I
rem em ber T h ic h t N a t H a n sayin g th a t he w ished th a t every A m erican
hom e h ad a m e d ita tio n room , in a lectu re to c h ild re n . H e w as ta lk in g
about i t and he said , you kn ow , "So th a t i f D addy speaks h a rs h ly to
M om m y and M om m y needs to go to th e m e d ita tio n room , th en
everybody in th e hom e is aw are th a t M om m y’s in th e m e d ita tio n room .
Q u ie tly le t h e r m e d ita te and do h e r b rea th in g .” [laughs] T h e respect fo r
th a t k in d o f th in g , and an aw areness th a t w e a ll need th a t. O u r c u ltu re
is so "a n ti" th a t, and becom ing m ore and m ore so in th e la s t decade. I
fin d o u r c u ltu re v e ry frig h te n in g in th e la s t decade. S u ffo catin g and
frig h te n in g . U m , and I fe el lik e m y kid s a re less aw are o f th is , these
concepts, th a n I w as. O u r g en eratio n and w h a t w e d id w ith th e drugs
an d th e p o litic s an d e v e ry th in g doesn’t ap pear to h ave b en efited th e
n e x t g en eratio n . W e haven’t. I don’t th in k w e’ve ta u g h t th em an yth in g .
D B 's m a in concerns now are fo r h e r ch ild ren , and how w e ll she has
tra n s m itte d to th em h e r values an d understandings. D B 's psychedelic
experiences an d in sig h ts, w h ile concordant w ith h e r m ost deeply h eld
b e liefs, have v e ry little salience in h e r c u rre n t life . P sychedelic experiences
have becom e a p a rt o f a c a ric a tu re o f drug use according to th e shared
u n d erstan d in g s o f h e r social service co-w orkers.
I: D o you ever ta lk to anybody ab ou t yo ur psychedelic experiences?

R : U m , I ’m sure I have b u t no t fo r a long, long tim e , [laughs]
I: A n d w h y do you suppose th a t is?
R : W e ll, I don’t use anym ore. I t ju s t doesn’t come up . I speak w ith d ru g
counselors d a ily and I suppose, I ’m sure th a t th e re have been jo kes a
tim e o r tw o ab ou t o u r p ast experiences. B u t I ’ve n ever re a lly sa t dow n
and ta lk e d in d e ta il. N o t fo r a lo n g tim e, [em phatic] I can’t th in k o f a
conversation now , in term s o f w h a t I experienced o r w h a t i t w as lik e
fo r m e. J u s t jo kes about, you kn ow , "We used to use" k in d o f s tu ff.
149
W hen asked to give a global assessm ent o f h e r life course, DB
provides a p o ig n an t story o f h e r stru g g le to re m a in tru e to h e r id eals w h ile
facin g th e challenges o f p a re n tin g fo u r ch ild ren , in clu d in g an adopted
C e n tra l A m erican orphan; and w o rkin g in th e pu blic service en viron m ent
in an e ra o f d im in ish in g pu blic support.
I: Is yo u r life w orking?
R : N o, m y life is no t w o rkin g . U m , and I th in k it ’s because, um ,
[pauses] I haven’t done a v e ry good job o f stic k in g w ith w h a t I re a lly
believe in . I, I , I th in k th a t m y life has been fa irly m indless. D oing w h at
I do. E a rn in g th e paycheck, ru n n in g h ere, ru n n in g th e re . D oing th is ,
doing th a t. S u rv iv in g th e A m erican W ay. N o t because I w a n t to
su rvive th e A m erican W ay b u t because I have to feed m y kid s,
[em phatic] A nd have been m o stly too tire d , and probably m ore th a n I
w a n t to a d m it, too a fra id a t tim e s , to step o u t. I ta lk w ith a frie n d o f
m ine a lo t about th is , and she-, h ad me w atch H a rris o n F o rd in one
In d ia n a Jones m ovie w here th e re ’s some k in d o f s p iritu a l, som eplace
th ey are and he’s got to step o ff a c liff, and know th a t it ’s going to be
okay. A nd I fo rg et w h y he has to do th a t. B u t it ’s some hero k in d o f
th in g , and he steps o ff th e c liff, and he’s okay. A nd w e keep ta lk in g to
each o th er about stepping o ff th e c liff, and tru s tin g th a t th ere w ill be
som ething th e re and w e w ill n o t fa ll to ou r deaths! [laughs] B u t, it's
re a l h a rd to do th a t i f you have 4 kids you’re responsible for! I th in k I
w ould have led a ve ry d iffe re n t life i f I had n ’t had k id s . U m , [pauses]
b u t it ’s in te re s tin g th a t w h a t I w a n t m ost fo r m y c h ild re n is to have a
sense o f in n e r being and a sense o f in te g rity . A nd honesty and kindness
and lo ving . A nd th e n I say to th em "D id you do yo u r hom ework?"
[laughs] You know? U m , and I ’ve done a ll th e sam e dam age to them
th a t m y p aren ts d id to m e w ith a ll o f th e ir love! A nd haven’t been able
to teach th em otherw ise. A nd I g et scared w hen th ey s tra y from th e
p a th , th e A m erican P a th , u m , because th e n th e y m ig h t n o t g et good
recom m endations, and be ab le to go to a good college, an d m ake m oney
and feed them selves. I m ean, u ltim a te ly it alw ays comes back to "Are
th ey going to starve to death? A re th ey going to have good m edical
care?" [laughs] A nd Fm p u ttin g th em in th e sam e m old. I also ta lk to
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th em about c re a tiv ity and s tu ff lik e th a t, b u t, um , I ’ve been a re a lly
bad m oth er! [laughs] A nd Fm paying fo r it . Fm paying fo r it cause m y
kid s [heavy sigh] are re a lly screwed up! So, I guess I feel lik e , lik e , um ,
m y life is n o t w o rkin g because Fm ve ry a fra id fo r m y ch ild ren . Fm very
a fra id o f th e c u ltu re w e liv e in . A nd Fm re a lly on a tre a d m ill la te ly .
W o rkin g tw o jobs, and Fm exhausted a ll th e tim e. M anaged C are,
"D am aged C are" has been so d estru ctive to m y fie ld ! [em phatic] A nd,
um , I , I d is lik e a lo t o f th e w ay I do m y jo b . T ry in g to , you know , keep
th e jo b because I need th e job. B u t to do it honorably, and do good w o rk
w ith m y clien ts is very, very d iffic u lt. A nd no t lik in g m yself. N o t lik in g
m any o f th e decisions I m ake on a day to day basis. A nd not h avin g
an y good answ ers. I m ean, i f I w a lk o ff th e jo b they’ll h ire somebody
fresh o u t o f [g raduate] school who doesn’t know any b etter! So th a t
doesn’t h elp m y clien ts. A nd i f I proclaim too lo udly they’ll ju s t fire m e
and th a t w on’t help m y clients. I feel im prisoned. I feel im prisoned a ll
around m e. I know th is is in m y m ind an d I ’m not re a lly im prisoned,
and th a t i f I w ould ju s t stop and m ed itate and do some yoga and e a t
h e a lth y I w ould feel a lo t b etter! [laughs] B u t Fm on a tre a d m ill so I
don’t have tim e to m ed itate. You know? A nd I ’m very aw are o f m y
tra p . A nd I ’m alw ays going to get out o f th e tra p tom orrow . Does th a t
answ er yo u r question?
D B 's personal h is to ry takes th e form o f a d ialectic n a rra tiv e . The
progressive se lf-s to ry o f h e r increasing un d erstan d in g o f th e teachings o f
s p iritu a l tra d itio n s is contrasted w ith a regressive self-story o f h e r
fru s tra tio n s in try in g to b rin g these in sigh ts to h er m ental h e a lth w o rk,
and h e r sense o f fa ilu re to im p a rt them to h e r ch ild ren . She te lls o f h e r life
in a co nventional social and s p iritu a l fram ew o rk th a t does not include th e
realm s o f freedom , sym m etry, peacefulness an d interconnectedness th a t
w ere accessible th ro ugh m ed itatio n practice and in h er psychedelic
experiences. A lth oug h rem ain in g m in d fu l o f these experiences and
understandings enhances h e r in te g rity and lessens h er fears, th ere is little
social rein fo rcem en t fo r th is perspective. T h e d a ily pressures o f life
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in te rfe re w ith h e r a b ility a c tu a lize these values in h e r w o rk and in h e r life
as a p a re n t, a spouse and a c itiz e n in h e r com m unity. A t p resen t she is
fifty one. She has no plans to ta k e an y psychedelic drugs in th e fu tu re .
"W ith th e fire and th e S p irit."
D N 's n a rra tiv e divides h is psychedelic d ru g use in to tw o d is tin c t
categories: cerem onial use, w h ich began w hen he atten d ed h is firs t N a tiv e
A m erican C hurch m eetin g n in e years ago; and re c re a tio n a l use, w h ich
occurred w hen he w as an adolescent and a young a d u lt. H e fir s t w as
exposed to psychedelic drugs as a college stu d e n t. D N experienced m any
psychological and em otional problem s a w h ile he w as in college, an d it is
not c le a r w h eth er his use o f psychedelics exacerbated h is d iffic u ltie s , or
was an attem p t to self-m ed icate fo r th em . H e speaks h a ltin g ly ab ou t th is
period in his life , w ith m any false s ta rts and pauses. H e is n o t sure
w h e th e r his e a rly use o f psychedelics caused "a b reakth ro u g h o r a
breakdow n."
R : [M y firs t L S D trip ] re a lly d id blow m y m ind! In term s o f "re a lity ,"

cause I was so m uch in to in te lle c t. I w as one o f those n erd k in d o f kid s,
w h atever, th a t w as to ta lly in to , you kn ow , logic an d reason, in to
sciences, m ath and ch em istry and a ll th a t.
I: A nd w h at happened?
R : I t ju s t re a lly opened m y m in d to th e o th e r re a litie s . I can’t even
rem em ber how m any tim es, I don’t th in k I took it th a t m any tim es. Fve
been try in g to th in k how m any tim es I took acid. I t m u st, I th in k it was
about 20 tim es.
I : W hen you said " It opened y o u r m in d to o th er re a litie s " d id i t change
a n y th in g about w h a t you w ere doing?
R : A bout w h a t I w as doing?
I : U m , hum . [yes] L ik e d id you change yo u r meyor o r...?
R : Dow n th e road I d id , yeah . . . A nd th a t blew m y m in d ! I ju s t
th o u g h t, " I’m doing som ething re a lly h ig h , in term s o f consciousness,
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Fm ta k in g these classes." I m ean, a t th a t tim e in m y life , Gcd w as [in ]
m ath em atics, and physics, and th e h ig h e st th in g you could do was
study science! A nd so, h e re I w as doing a ll these classes, and these
w ere honors classes. Supposed to be re a lly h a rd . A nd I could s it down
and do 'em [w ith o u t stu d yin g a t a ll]! A nd come o u t w ith good grades.
A nd I th o u g h t, "W h at is th is? W h a t is th e re a lity o f this? T h is is
b u lls h it! I m ean, w h at does th is m a tte r in term s o f th e scheme o f life?
A nd th e w orld?" . . A nd re a liz in g th a t th is w asn’t re a lly im p o rta n t. I f I
could do i t th a t easily it w asn’t th a t im p o rta n t. A nd
s o ,...th e n ,...I,...s o ,... it w a s ,...a c tu a lly ,[h e a v y sigh] I ’m not sure i f it was
a b rea kth ro u g h o r a breakdow n. B u t an yw ay, i t w as d istu rb in g to m e.
. . [I w as] stu d yin g physics. "O kay, w h a t am I going to do? Fm going to
g rad u ate an d Fm going to g e t a jo b w o rk in g fo r a corporation th a t’s
m akin g w eapons. A nd no, I can’t do th a t!" So, u h , it was lik e "W hat is
th e v a lu e o f this?" O r "W h at’s th e use o f it? " So, a t th e tim e I w as also,
uh , [pauses] I was depressed a lo t. I w as p re tty em o tio n ally distu rb ed.
. . . I w as p re tty nervous. A nd I w as, um , k in d o f ju s t em otion ally
bound up; A nd I s ta rte d s h akin g , h a vin g trem o rs. M y hands w ould
shake an d s tu ff lik e th a t.
I: D id you drop out?
R : D id I drop out? Yes, I dropped out.
I: O f college?
R : U m , hum .[yes]
I: A nd w h a t happened then?
R : A c tu a lly , p a rt o f m y drop pin g out w as, u h , th a t I was p re tty
d istu rb ed . I w as p re tty crazy! I w as h a v in g episodes of, of, um , I w a n t
to say re a lly , firs tly em o tio n al stress. U m , u h , I couldn’t cope. I was
bored w ith school, w ith th e w o rk. U h , so I stopped going to class. A nd I
flu n k ed o u t. A nd th en , "O h, m y God! Fd b e tte r g e t m yself back in !" So I
ta lk e d m y s e lf back in . Y ou know? I to ld ‘em Fd been seeing counseling,
and s tu ff. I w as re a lly depressed and so I ta lk e d m yse lf back in .
I: So how w as th a t re la te d to yo u r L S D experiences?
R : W e ll, th e y increased m y lo okin g a t th e w o rld , and w h at’s re a lly
happ enin g in th e w o rld . T h e re ’s th e stan d ard , u h , [pauses] m odel o f
societal valu es and "This is how it is." T h e lo g ica l, scien tific, relig io u s
vie w p o in t. A nd some o f those th in g s aren ’t tru e , o r are o u trig h t lie s , or
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th e o u trig h t opposite o f w h a t is re a lly , tru ly harm onious in n a tu re . A nd
th en , and th en s ta rtin g to fe e l and see th is o th er, o th er re a lity , o th er
life . W hat’s re a l in life , th a t is bigger th a n th a t. T h ere’s a lo t m ore. A nd
so I started fe e lin g th a t, and th e effect o f th a t w as to c re a te m ore
stress on m e in te rn a lly . W here I was a t, you kn ow , it w as
com prom ising m y in n e r in te g rity o r w h atever, an d , u m , so I sta rte d
w an tin g to be less a p a rt o f th a t. . . I used th e phrase "tu n ed in , tu rn ed
on, and dropped o u t” . . . I use th a t fo r la c k o f a b e tte r w a y to say it ,
and because it f it th e tim es. I t ’s som ething th a t w as o u t th e re . B u t a t
th e tim e th a t w asn’t w h a t I w as consciously th in k in g . “O h , I ’m going to
tune in , and Fm going to tu rn on, and Fm going to drop o u t!” T h a t w as
th e effect. T h a t w asn’t th e in te n t. . . A fte r m y firs t experience w ith
L S D , it w as lik e , re a liz in g th a t th ere is some o th er g re a te r
consciousness.
A t the tim e th a t h e w as using psychedelics re c re a tio n a lly in college,
D N was also experiencin g severe "em otional stress." H e w as "re a lly
depressed," "em o tion ally bound up," and "couldn't cope." In a d d itio n he w as
com ing to question h is b e lie f th a t "God was in m athem atics," fin d in g
h im s e lf bored w ith a course o f study th a t w as n o t ch allen g in g . H is L S D
experiences changed h is ideas about "w hat w as re a lly h ap p en in g in th e
w orld." D N describes th is period o f psychedelic d ru g use as p a rt o f a la rg e r
context o f discontent and desire fo r change th a t m arked th a t perio d in h is
life , ra th e r th a n th e k e y o r pivoted facto r in p re c ip ita tin g th a t change.
A fte r his e a rly psychedelic experiences w ith L S D , D N w e n t th ro u g h
a long period w hen he "d id n 't even ta k e asp irin ." H e had n o t ta k e n an y
psychedelics fo r m ore th a n tw e n ty years w hen he firs t began a tte n d in g
Peyote M eetings n in e years ago. H e w as in v ite d to atte n d a M e e tin g by
some N a tiv e A m erican frie n d s , b u t w as unsure i f he re a lly w a n te d to
p a rtic ip a te .
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R : I t was th e firs t tim e I m et [a Peyote Road M a n ]. A nd it w as re a l
b rie f, b u t I could te ll th e re w as som ething th ere about h im . [em phatic]
You know? H e ju s t had a lo t o f stre n g th , a lo t o f w h atever it is , you
know , an unusual k in d of, am biance o r w h atever. D iffe re n t anyw ay.
So, strong presence. O kay? So an yw ay, so ju s t as th e M e e tin g is
s ta rtin g he stands up and s ta rts ta lk in g . W e ll, I saw th is eagle s p irit
[laughs] come o u t, Fm no t su re w h ere i t cam e from . B u t it cam e from ,
he was holding an eagle s ta ff, a s ta ff w ith an eagle head. A nd w h eth er
it came from th a t o r from b eh in d h im o r w h a t, b u t th is th in g was
about, [pauses] I don’t know , i t w as 8 or 10 fe e t ta ll! [em phatic] I t w en t
up in to th e top o f th e teepee, an d dove in to th e fire ! A nd I w en t, “O h!
T h a t w as in terestin g ! M aybe I should stay!” A nd so, a s p irit showed
its e lf to m e so th a t it w ould catch m y in te re s t and I'd stay. A nd so, so I
decided to . A nd I ate a couple little tin y spoons o f M ed icin e, o f P eyote,
and th a t ju s t re a lly d id a nu m b er on m e! [em phatic] [W hen th e Peyote
started to ta k e effect] I w en t th ro u g h a ll th is w re s tlin g around and
th en I doubled over and I w as cryin g . A nd th en th e re w ere a ll these
wom en singing. A nd i t w as lik e I w as u n d ern eath th e ground, and I
was being boro. P u lle d up o u t o f th e ground lik e I was dead, and
un dern eath th e ground! A nd b ro u g h t up. A nd so it w as re a l profound.
A nd so th e M edicine grabbed m e lik e th a t, . . . and th a t’s how I
started . So it has been a h e a lin g fo r m e in some w ay. O r m y P a th . I'v e
probably been to , I k in d o f lo s t tra c k , 70 o r 80 M eetin gs over th e
years. I t ’s done a lo t of, a lo t o f u m , a lo t o f h ealin g . I learn ed a lo t. . .
I t ’s been re a l th ere w ith th e fire and th e S p irit. Y ou know? So Tm s till
lea rn in g . T h a t’s som ething th a t w ill ta k e a long tim e to le a rn about.
A nd [comic accent] I ’m s ta rtin g to fig u re o u t th a t I don’t know nothing!
[heavy sigh].
The G es talt in te rv ie w in g techn iqu e o f c a llin g a tte n tio n to body
language and fa c ia l expression w as u sefu l in encouraging D N to elab o rate
on his m ention o f an un usual experience, th a t o f h avin g seen a disem bodied
s p irit. Previous s im ila r experiences had been d istu rb in g fo r D N , and he
had understood them as a fo rm o f m adness. H e describes how h is
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psychedelic experiences h ave allow ed h im to see th em in a d iffe re n t co n text
an d to in te g ra te experiences and perceptions th a t w ere fo rm e rly u p s e ttin g
to h im .
I : Y o u said som ething back th e re , and you said i t w ith a c e rta in k in d o f

look on yo u r face, w h ere you k in d o f raise d yo u r eyebrows and you
looked a t m e kin d o f lik e sidew ays lik e th a t? [laughs] A nd i t suggested
to m e th a t you th o u g h t th a t I w ould know w h a t you m eant? A nd I th in k
I do know w h at you m ean t, b u t Fd lik e fo r you to say w h a t you m ean t.
I t w as w hen you said "The s p irit showed its e lf to m e."
R : [pauses] U m , le t’s see, Fm n o t sure w h a t to say about th a t. U m ,
cause I don’t share th a t v e ry m uch.
I: Y eah . T h a t’s one o f th e th ing s about th is in te rv ie w process. I t ’s a
little b it h a rd to do, because a lo t o f th in g s come up in in te rv ie w s an d I
th in k I know w h at th e person is ta lk in g about. B u t in o rd er fo r th is to
re a lly be a good study it can’t be about w h a t I th in k I un derstand ! I t
has to be about w h a t you te ll m e and so you have to m ake i t m ore
e x p lic it fo r th a t th a n you w ould in a conversation.
R : O ka y, th is was a re a l s p irit! [em p h atic] W hen I saw it , I kn ew th a t
it w as a re a l s p irit. I m ean, th a t w as, you know , um , p rob ab ly because
o f th e context and also th e size o f it , and w h a t it did. I m ean, I used to
see a lo t o f th ing s. See a lo t o f s p irits , an d see th ing s . T h a t’s one o f th e
th in g s is th a t used to d riv e m e crazy, [em p h atic] A lo t. T h ey’d d is tu rb
m e. I'd k in d o f p u t aw ay th e m em ory o r w h atev er. W hen I s ta rte d
going to Peyote M eetin g s, I stopped seeing th em . I t re a lly q u ieted th e
th in g s dow n th a t I saw . So th e Peyote is n ’t, I w ouldn’t c a ll it , it ’s n o t
psychedelic to m e a t a ll. [em phatic] I t ’s a c tu a lly subdued m y visio n
m ore th a n enhanced it. Once in a w h ile I w ill see, you kn ow , some
lig h ts o r p attern s o r som ething. A nd Fve seen o th er s p irits in th e fire .
I : In M eetings?
R : In M eetin g s, ye ah ., b u t n o t ve ry o ften . A nd Fve only seen one o th e r
one th a t w as eq u iv alen t to th a t. O r a c tu a lly , it was even m ore so. B u t I
consider it a g ift from th e s p irit w hen i t ’s show ing its e lf to m e lik e th a t,
and so I don’t expect it , o r go lo okin g fo r.
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R ecen tly, fo llo w in g th e d e a th o f h is fa th e r, D N took "a sabbatical"
fro m h is hom e an d w o rk, and began an in te n s iv e program o f counseling,
d ie t and exercise in w hich he has been engaged fo r m ore th a n a y e a r. D N
has re c e n tly jo in e d a secular group th a t is u s in g psychedelics fo r group
th e ra p y , a ve ry d iffe re n t s tru c tu re fro m th e P eyo te M e etin g , b u t one th a t
he sees as h a vin g some s im ila r aspects. H e describes a group w eekend
th a t he re c e n tly atten d ed , w h ere h e and o th e r p a rtic ip a n ts took a v a rie ty
o f psychedelics:
R : People s ta rte d o r w ere going th ro u g h v a rio u s processes and th e y

w ere h a vin g people come arou nd and w o rk w ith th em . You know?
In d iv id u a lly .
I : So th e re w as m ore th a n one fa c ilita to r?
R : T h ere w as one fa c ilita to r b u t th e re w ere also h elpers. People th a t
w ere around an d w orked w ith d iffe re n t people on w h atev er w as going
on w ith th em . A nd , u h , b ein g w ith th em o r h e lp in g th em or ta lk in g w ith
th em , o r...
I : A n d w as th e re , w ere th e y u sin g a p a rtic u la r technique? W ere th ey
using a body techn iqu e, o r a b re a th in g technique?
R : U h , n o t, no one p a rtic u la r techn iqu e. T h e y w ere doing d iffe re n t
techniques.
I : J u s t w h a te v e r w as w orking?
R : Some people w ere ju s t g iv in g m assage. Som e people w ere ju s t
being, someone being p resen t w ith o th er people. Some w ere b ein g
guided th ro u g h ta lk . A nd th e n others w ere doing b re a th w o rk. A n d so
it w as k in d o f a m ix. I m ean I don’t know e x a c tly w h a t th ey w ere doing
cause I w as going th ro u g h m y ow n process. A nd I w asn’t aw are o f
ex actly w h a t th e y w ere doing w ith o th ers, cause I w as try in g to keep
to m yself. A nd th en some o f th e people th a t w ere in th e jo u rn ey , on th e
trip , you kn o w , no t ju s t fa c ilita tin g , th e n s ta rte d in te ra c tin g w ith each
o th er a fte r a fe w hours.
I : A nd th en on S unday w h a t happened?
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R : T h en on S unday i t was k in d o f a resolution, w ith everyone doing
some m ovem ent and m e d ita tio n and h avin g a discussion circle. A n d
ta lk in g , you know?
I : D id everybody ta lk ?
R : H u m , m ostly.
I : W h a t k in d o f th in g s d id people say?
R : T h ey shared th e ir experiences o f w h at had happened to th em . . . .
T h e k in d o f th in g s th a t th e y w en t through. A nd some o f th em had past
life experiences. A nd some w en t in to th e ir em otional processes, you
know? W ith th e ir m om o r dad o r w h atever. D iffe re n t. I t w as a ll
d iffe re n t levels o f th in g , w h a t happened. One o f th e th ing s I did on th e
second d ay w as a re -b irth in g . B re a th w ork, and th en a h o t tu b . A nd ,
th a t w as, um , [pauses] th a t w as a fa irly in ten se, um , [pauses]
experience fo r m e. . . I had in th e la s t few years been th ro u g h these
d iffe re n t experiences w h ere I feel lik e Fm dead. O r I fe el lik e Fm a
corpse. T h en I , o r Fd h e ar these w ords, "O h, he’s dead.” So in th is
[re b irth in g ] I rem em bered d yin g w hen I was b eing boro [as a
p re m atu re b ab y], and th e n coining back to life . D y in g and going in th e
s p irit w o rld , and th e n com ing back. So fo r m e th a t re a lly w as a ke y. I t
showed m e, it k in d o f exp lain ed w hy Fve been in th e s p irit w o rld a lo t
in m y life . A n d [w hy I] had th is , th is fragm ented o r scattered re a lity in
m y em o tio n al life . A nyw ay, it w as re a l h e lp fu l th a t w ay. I w as ab le to
see it.
I: A nd is th is an on-going process th a t’s av aila b le i f you w a n t to do it
ag ain ?
R : H e re and th e re . I don’t know how long it ’s a v a ila b le . Fm a c tu a lly
going to do i t ag ain in a couple w eeks. And th en Fm askin g to do it in
th is group, to do several, lik e tw o m onths a p a rt. Do th re e jo u rn eys and
th e n th e m onths in betw een do som ething else. I t ’s lik e a com m itted
group fo r everyone.
I: So th ey’re try in g to fo rm a group th a t w ill do a process th a t w ill be a
little lo n g er th a n ju s t a w eekend?
R : R ig h t. So th ey’l l have people th a t are com m itted, you know , [pauses]
to increase th e ir le v e l o f in tim a c y and tru s t and sh arin g , in term s o f
th e group process. So, Fm ju s t, th is w hole th in g is re a lly s im ila r to th e
[N a tiv e A m erican C hurch] M eetin g s. D iffe re n t, you know , b u t s im ila r.
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In th e beg in n in g th ere’s alw ays a k in d o f th ra s h in g around and group
w o rkin g out o f s tu ff. A nd th en th e re ’s th e p a rt w h ere you are k in d of,
s w irlin g around a lo t, you know , try in g to fig u re o u t w h a t’s going on.
A nd th e n you have th e , "O kay, now Fm s ta rtin g to consciously w o rk on
it." A nd th en you have a reso lution. Y ou know? So it ’s lik e Q uestion,
W o rk, A n sw er, R elaxatio n .
D N describes a chronic sense o f fra g m e n ta tio n w h ich he feels began
w ith his p rem atu re b irth , and w hich he perceives as a life lo n g a fflic tio n
w ith w hich he has alw ays been stru g g lin g . H is c u rre n t use o f Peyote and
other psychedelics has been p a rt o f a m ore g en eral e ffo rt to h e a l h im s e lf
from th is sense o f disconnectedness.
R : W e ll, th a t’s k in d o f m y s p iritu a l g ro w th . M y p a th in th is life . So it ’s

lik e , um , [pauses] it ’s kin d of, th e s tre n g th to [pauses] be present.
A c tu a lly Fm w o rkin g on th a t. So, m y s p iritu a l qu est a t th is p o in t in m y
life is fo r decension not ascension. I ‘m try in g to be h e re ! [em phatic] So
Fm not lo okin g fo r o ther th in g s. I t ’s also w h a t th e Peyote d id , and
processing some o f th e things in m y m in d , and p a st experiences, and
m em ories T h ere’s lea rn in g , [pauses] I t w as re a liz in g th a t a lo t o f m y
life Fd been in th e s p irit w o rld . R ecently in th e la s t y e a r th a t Fve been
doing th is , um , re b irth in g b re a th w o rk, th a t is b rin g in g th a t [b irth
m em ory] ou t in m y body, in m y em otions. H ow I got th e re , ju s t was
from th e w ay I cam e in to th e w orld.
H e m akes a cle ar d istin ctio n betw een his psychedelic experiences
d u rin g his years a college un derg rad uate an d th e process o f exp lo ratio n
and s e lf h e alin g fo r w hich he is using th e psychedelic drugs today,
describing his e a rlie r p a tte rn o f use as "k in d o f a h ap h azard and n o t as
conscious" as his use now.
R : I t w as . . . fo r p a rty in g o r fo r escaping. . . I t w as ju s t lik e a, um ,

[pauses] you know , d ivin g in to th e unknow n. F o r th e sake o f th e
unknow n. I t w as sim p ler th en , [laughs] N ow I h ave m y ow n personal
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m orals. I h ave to have, some reason fo r doing th a t. O r some b e n e fit o r
p o sitive in te n t, you know? . . . W hereas, a t th a t tim e I, m y in te n t was
m ore unconscious. O r, o r i t was even som etim es, u h , d estru ctive or
w h a te v e r. I t w as ju s t lik e , “W h a t th e h e ll!” Y ou know? O r n o t, and n o t
h a v in g , you kn o w , esteem fo r m yself. O r try in g to escape, o r w h a te v e r.
I: A n d w h a t’s yo u r m o tivatio n now w h en you use one o f these

substances?
R : A lte rin g consciousness fo r le a rn in g , exp lo rin g , h e alin g . T ra v e lin g
an d, opening in n e r layers. As p a rt o f m y ow n, p a rt o f m y h e a lin g in te n t
th a t I ’ve been going th ro ugh . A ll these layers o f em otional h e a lin g , and
discovering th e jo u rn e y o f m y life . T h e in n e r jo u rn e y o f m y life and how
it ’s b ro u g h t m e to h ere. I look back now an d , n o t a ll, b u t a lo t o f it
pieces to g e th e r, w h a t I w as doing. A n d it ’s k in d o f a b ig sto ry, it
p ro b ab ly goes b ack to m y b irth . A nd w h ere I w as frag m ented by
[p rem atu re] b irth , and it ’s been th is search ever since. I don’t know i f I
w as search in g w h ile I w as a ch ild . I w as lo st and didn’t know how to
search. . . I h ave tra v e le d in o th er, o th er a lte rn a te consciousness, in
o th er dim ensions a lo t in m y life , an d been so-called "spaced out." So
now I ’m s ta rtin g to understand w h ere th a t w as, and also d raw m y
energy back fro m those places, and be m ore p resen t. I t ’s lik e m y e n try
in to th e w o rld w as backw ards in some w ays. In th a t a lo t o f people are
bom in to th e ir body and th en grow up , and th e n s ta rt discovering th e ir
consciousness an d opening up , you kn ow , expan din g it. A nd try in g to
look, an d you kn ow , to fin d these o th er th in g s. F o r m e, I w as ou t o f m y
body m ost o f m y life , [em phatic] . . . I m ean, I w as here b u t it w as k in d
o f lik e b ein g , I used to th in k I was schizophrenic or som ething!
[em phatic] . . .
I: So h ave th ese substances helped you to [be m ore present]?
R : [answ ers q u ick ly] U m , hum . [yes]
In th e s ta te produced by Peyote an d o th er psychedelics, D N believes
th a t h is "scattered re a lity " m ay be understood and perhaps even re p a ire d ,
given th e p ro p er circum stances and su pp ort. T h is is by no m eans
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au to m atic, how ever, an d D N has discovered th a t i t is im p o rta n t to be
ca re fu l o f how one exposes oneself to these in fluences.
H e describes a tte n d in g a Peyote M e e tin g a t w h ich th e re w as a lo t o f
p o litic a l s trife and divisiveness am ong m em bers o f vario u s N a tiv e
A m erican C hurch sects, and how th is affected h im perso n ally. U s u a lly ,
fo llo w in g a Peyote M e e tin g , D N has fe lt a deep sense o f connectedness to
th e n a tu ra l en viro n m en t and to his frien d s and co -p articip an ts. O n th is
occasion, th e M e e tin g w as m arked by disharm on y an d co n flict. D N was
ve ry susceptible to a s s im ila tin g these feelin g s u n d er th e in fluence o f
P eyote, and experienced an uncom fortable sense o f disconnection.
R : Y eah, so I s till d o n 't know exactly w h a t happened a t [th a t M eetin g ].

E n erg e tic ally I got re a lly disconnected fro m w h ere I h ad been,
[em phatic] [By] th e end o f th e M eetin g . . .th e o th e r M eetin gs w ere lik e a
vague m em ory an d a ll o f m y connections w ere a ll disconnected. E ven
m y connections to m y frien d s here th a t d id n ’t h ave an y th in g to do w ith
th e M eetings! I cam e o u t o f th e M e e tin g and it w as lik e m y h e a rt was
gone! [raises h is voice, em phatic] T h a t w as v e ry , v e ry disconcerting. I t
ac tu a lly got scary fo r a w h ile . I couldn’t even fe e l th e ground. I couldn’t
fe el, I couldn’t fe e l th e p lan ts. U s u a lly [a fte r a P eyote M eetin g]
everyth in g feels re a lly a liv e . The e a rth is re a lly a liv e , I fe e l re a lly
connected to e v e ry th in g . I w as to ta lly disconnected from everyth in g . I t
w as lik e , I w as lik e in th is s te rile w o rld . . . T h is w as a lesson fo r m e. A
c a p ita l-L Lesson fo r m e, in being conscious o f w h ere I ’m going, and
th in k in g th a t Fm n o t going to p u t m y s e lf in a place w here Fm not safe
em otionally.
W hen asked to give a global descrip tion o f h is c u rre n t life , D N
re la te s a progressive n a rra tiv e , a g e n e ra lly p o sitive p ic tu re o f h is ongoing
process o f s e lf-h ealin g . H is in te n tio n is to continue to use Peyote and o ther
psychedelics as a p a rt o f th is process. T h e n a rra tiv e slope has changed
fro m his e a rlie r regressive n a rra tiv e o f a lie n a tio n , confusion and
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frag m e n ta tio n , w h ich h e speculates m ay have been exacerbated by his
e a rly unsupervised an d u n stru ctu red psychedelic experiences. A t age 52,
he is fo llo w in g a p a th o f h e alin g , and he has found a w ay to use th e
psychedelics in su pp ort o f h is desire fo r wholeness.

"T ru e N a tu re ."
E D had an ecstatic relig io u s experience in la te adolescence through
th e use o f psychedelics. T h e m em ory o f th e in sigh ts gained d u rin g th is
experience is v iv id to h im today, and continues to support his s p iritu a l
p ractice and his u n d erstan d in g o f his tru e s e lf and in n e r n a tu re . D espite
th is , a fte r a "H ell" experience in vo lvin g a com bination o f L S D and
m a riju a n a m ore th a n tw e n ty years ago, he stopped using a ll psychedelics
and g re a tly lim ite d h is m a riju a n a use.
H e describes h im s e lf as h avin g been fo rever changed by th e
experience o f th e presence and re a lity o f God th a t he had on LS D . H e finds
th a t his sets h im a p a rt fro m those who have n o t had th is experience, even
i f he is otherw ise close to th em . E D an ticip ates th a t he w ill pursue a re tu rn
to th a t G od-aw are s ta te w ith s p iritu a l exercises w hen he com pletes his
resp o n sib ilities as a husband and fa th e r; and th a t he m ay th en become a
ren u n ciate in search o f th e experience he once had, in w hich he realized his
"T ru e N a tu re ," "lost self-consciousness" and "m erged w ith th e One."
I : W h a t do you th in k is im p o rta n t to study about psychedelics?

R : [long pause] [laughs] W h a t is im p o rta n t o r w hy im portant?
I : W e ll, e ith e r. T h e question was w h at, b u t i f you w an ted to answ er
w h y th a t w ould be fin e .
R : [long pause] W h y is i t im portant? [clears his th ro a t] Because th ey
change a person to th e ir soul. Fo r lack o f b e tte r understanding, I
m ean, it has co m p letely changed m y perspective on life .
[em p hatic]Y eah. A n d m y day to day liv in g is not th e sam e. The
A m erican dream is to ta lly unsatisfying. I do it , b u t it ’s not, it ’s not It .
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T h e re ’s m ore. A nd , u h , m y experience w ith psychedelics is th a t it
opened up th a t door. A nd I h ave y e t to resolve it p e rso n ally. I m ean,
m y "s p iritu a l quest” you kn ow , th e read in g , fo llo w in g . . . s p iritu a l
discip lines, m y openness to those, is m y a tte m p t a t try in g to b rin g th e
experience o f th e psychedelics in to m y d a ily life . . . I h ave to say not
everybody w ho has ta k e n psychedelics shares th e sam e experience. I
m ean, some people do it ju s t to g et h ig h . W e ll, th a t w as n o t m y
experience. I m ean, you kn ow , i t was lik e "This is yo u r w o rk." I was
d raw n , I m ean, it seems lik e m y w hole life w as k in d o f p a tte rn e d . M y
fa m ily a ll going to In d ia [as a young teenager] k in d o f cracked th e door
open. In school th e re I h ad a room m ate who w as fro m T h a ila n d and Fd
w ake up in th e m id d le o f th e n ig h t and he’d be m e d ita tin g , s ta rin g a t a
candle. A nd I w as 14 years old! W h a t th e heck! I w as to ta lly blow n
aw ay! [em phatic] So those kin d s o f th in g s, I th in k , p rep ared m e fo r th e
experience.
I : A nd how d id th a t come about? T h e experience?
[E D displays v e ry stro ng em otion d u rin g h is n a rra tio n o f th is
experience, com ing close to te a rs as he becomes im m ersed in th e
re te llin g o f his s p iritu a l aw aken in g ].
R : T h e experience? [clears h is th ro a t] W e ll, th e experience o f w hen I
lo st m yself and becam e absorbed in God, um , I th in k I w as 17 o r 18
years old. Fd a lre a d y , I ’d been ta k in g L S D fo r some tim e . N o t a lo t b u t
m aybe a year o r so. A nd m aybe a h a lf a dozen, I don’t re a lly rem em ber
it ’s so long ago. A h a lf dozen, a dozen experiences. A n d , u h , I
rem em ber i t w as so v iv id th a t I had to w rite it down. I d id n 't w a n t to
fo rg et it. B u t I k e p t com ing in and o u t o f ego consciousness. F d go back
in to w h at I c a ll Cosm ic Consciousness, o r God R e a liza tio n an d th en
back to self-ego id e n tity . A n d th en back. A nd th en back. I w as k in d o f
com ing and going in w aves, as I re c a ll. A nd th a t happened, so in itia lly
w hen I was 17 o r 18 years o ld , and th e n , u m , a few tim es
subsequently. A nd I also found th a t I could get back to th a t s ta te i f I
ju s t sm oked m a riju a n a . I becam e h yp ersen sitive. A nd th e n I h ad a
p a rtic u la r bad experience, u m , w hen I trie d to prolong th e h ig h , so to
speak, and get back to th a t s ta te o f consciousness. I sm oked too m uch
m a riju a n a and I w en t to H e ll. I b a sic ally h ad a bad tr ip . A n d th a t’s
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w hen I s ta rte d p u rsu in g o th e r, lik e m ed itatio n o r b re a th in g techniques.
Those k in d o f th in g s.
I : D id you have an y expectations w hen you firs t to o k psychedelics?
R : [answ ers q u ick ly] N o. N o t a t a ll. G et h ig h , th a t w as it . . . I w as
h an g in g w ith a crow d, th e re w ere a num ber o f th in g s going on in m y
life a t th e tim e . I had come back from In d ia to th e sam e h ig h school, th e
sam e house, th e sam e group o f frien d s, and I couldn’t re la te . I t was lik e
I w en t to th e m oon and cam e back. A nd I s ta rte d h a n g in g out w ith a
d iffe re n t crow d. T h e crow d th a t was in to m usic, an d th e a d d scene,
a lte rin g consdousness, g e ttin g high, b asically. A n d a num ber o f those
people, you kn ow , ju s t got stoned to p la y m usic and to g et h ig h . A nd
th a t w as in itia lly m y in te n t. B u t I sta rte d h avin g these o th er
experiences th a t no one in m y group seemed to h ave. O r didn’t share.
B u t th e n , I s ta rte d doing read ing s, and th e re w ere people com ing out,
lik e T im L e a ry and R ich ard A lp e rt. T h ey w ere sayin g th a t these
experiences w ere s im ila r to th e yogic experiences. So th e n I re a lize d
th a t I h ad n ’t , m aybe I h ad n ’t gone crazy! A nd th a t i t w as a le g itim a te
experience.
I: D id you th in k you w ere crazy?
R : [Spoken v e ry h e s ita n tly and so ftly, w ith m any pauses.] W e ll, n o ...I
th o u g h t...I w a s .... e n lig h te n e d ....I had seen, [long pause] N o,
a c tu a lly I d id n ’t th in k I w as crazy .... I th o u g h t I w as, I , . . I , . . I
th o u g h t....I w as en lig h ten ed ! I got th e “ah -h a!”
[As he describes th is , E D g ra d u a lly unfolds his body, fir s t uncrossing
h is legs, th e n h is arm s, an d s e ttlin g h im s e lf m ore co m fortab ly in th e
c h a ir.]
I: D id anybody else th in k you w ere crazy?
R : N o. I m a in ta in e d . Y ou know ? I continued b ein g a young a d u lt
flo u n d erin g in th e re a l w o rld . G oing to ju n io r college, ju s t ta k in g , um ,
g en eral ed u catio n classes. Som e psychology classes, I rem em ber
ta k in g a tran sp e rs o n a l psychology class and w e w ere ta lk in g about
psychedelics a t th a t tim e . U m , and I started g e ttin g in to th e m a rtia l
a rts , as w e ll. . .
I: W ould you te ll m e som ething about yo ur fa v o rite trip ? O r you m ost
u n fa v o rite trip ? O r some s ig n ific a n t trip ?
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R : U h , m ost u n fav o rite trip was th e one I ju s t described w here I trie d
to extend th e h ig h . A nd I was in m y dow nstairs room o f m y p a re n ts
hom e. A nd I a c tu a lly considered h avin g th em c a ll th e am bulance to
ta k e m e to th e [hospital] I was h avin g u n co n tro llab le flashes o f
m onsters an d cartoon characters th a t w ere, th a t I couldn’t co n tro l. I
couldn’t control m y m in d , basically. I w en t to H e ll, th a t’s, you know ,
yeah . A nd th e n th e m ost w onderful w ere th e , w ere w hen I re a lize d m y
T ru e N a tu re . W hen I lo st self-consciousness and m erged w ith T h e O ne.
I: N ow th ere’s a c e rta in q u a lity to th e w ay th a t you say th a t.
R : [laughs] U h , huh?
I : A nd I w onder i f you’d lik e to com m ent on th at?
R : M erg in g w ith The One?
I : Y eah.
R : [long pause] I t can’t be described. I m ean, th a t’s it . T h a t’s th e
closest description. Loss o f s e lf-id e n tity and becom ing w h at seem s lik e
cosm ic consciousness. J u s t consciousness th a t pervades everyth in g .
C om plete peace.
I : So th a t little , s lig h tly sidew ays sm ile th a t you m ade w hen you said
"becom ing one" was to in d icate th a t th a t w asn’t a v e ry good
description?
R : U m , no. I t ’s a sm ile th a t is , "You know and I know w h at it is .” A nd I
can’t describe it beyond th a t.
I : O kay.
R : I t ’s lik e "G -D ." You know? You can’t describe God! [em phatic] I m ean
th a t’s, it ’s T h a t experience.
A lth oug h E D did not drop out, he did experience a deep depression
as a young a d u lt. H e associates th is w ith his chronic sense o f "not fittin g
in ." E D is n o t c e rta in i f h is depression was d ire c tly re la te d to his
psychedelic experiences, b u t he recognizes th a t th e detached perspective
on conventional goals th a t he developed fo llo w in g h is use o f psychedelics
m akes h is eveiyd ay life less fu lfillin g th a n he im agines i t m ig h t otherw ise
be.
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I : U m , so did th in g s change in yo u r life as a re s u lt o f these
experiences?
R : M y outlook on life . U m , I w e n t through some depressions, um , to the
p o in t o f seeing a th e ra p is t in m y e a rly ‘20’s, so it was a few years a fte r
[I took psychedelics]. I can’t re a lly d ire c tly connect th e experiences, b u t
I , m y w hole life , I had th is d ram a. In retrospect, I th in k th e depression
had to do w ith try in g to f it in . In fa c t, th a t's one o f th e th in g s th a t came
up w ith th e th e ra p is t. A lw ays try in g to f it in , and fe elin g lik e I never fit
in . U m , b u t I never b ro u g h t up th e th in g about th e psychedelics and
th is experience. [M y th e ra p is t] w ouldn’t have been able to g et it. So I
had th a t episode in m y life , and ever since I ’ve been doing th e , you
know , th e outside d ram a. T h e dance. You know? G e ttin g m a rrie d ,
h avin g a k id , p ayin g a m ortgage, h avin g a professional jo b . Y ou know?
B u t it ’s, Fm ju s t, it ’s n o t fu lfillin g to m e and Fve dabbled w ith going to
[a m ed itatio n center] and doing some day-long re tre a ts . I haven’t re a lly
done any m ore in te n s iv e m e d ita tio n re tre a ts . B u t I am d raw n tow ards
th a t p ath or those experiences.
I : You m ade a gesture back th e re , you said Fve alw ays so rt o f had a
dram a and th en you m ade th is so rt o f w ave in th e a ir. Is th a t your
s p irits th a t w ere going up and down in .that? O r som ething else?
R : N o. I th in k th a t’s th e e x te rn a l dance th a t Fve been doing. The
fa m ily , th e m ortgage, th e career.
I: So th e th in g th a t’s d iffe re n t is th a t you’re doing th e sam e th ing s b u t
you feel th em d ifferen tly?
R : N o. I ju s t don’t fe e l th a t th e re ’s tru e satisfactio n th e re . T h a t th ere’s
som ething m issing.
I: Do you th in k you’d be h a p p ie r i f you didn’t have th a t feelin g? I m ean,
is it an unhappiness?
R : N o. I th in k it ’s m y c a llin g . A nd it ’s m ore lik e th e sa n ya sin ,[ a H in d u
renu nciate] and th a t m ay be in th e cards fo r m e. W hen m y son is
grow n and on his ow n I m ay g ive it up and go. I t ’s lik e , you know , th e
story o f S id d h arth a. R ig h t now Fm in th e d ram a, Fm doing th e th in g .
Fm doing th e, you kn ow , th e e x te rn a l dram a. B u t th ere’s s till th e p u ll. .
I: B u t you’re a householder yogi?
166
R : Y es. N o t as m uch o f a yogi as Fd lik e to be som etim es. I g e t caugh t
up in th e dram a m ore th a n Fd lik e . . .
F o r E D , our in te rv ie w conversation was a chance to re v e a l, re
experience and share im p o rta n t aspects o f h im s e lf th a t he does n o t u s u a lly
disclose. H e assumes th a t I w ill un derstand h is references to "T h a t
experience," and appeals to m e as someone w ho has had s im ila r
experiences, to ap preciate th e d iffic u lty o f describing them in w o rd s. T h is
d iffic u lty is p a rt o f w h a t has preven ted h im from sh arin g th is aspect o f
h im s e lf w ith those closest to h im in his d a ily life . E D has fe lt u n ab le to
com m unicate th e q u a lity o f h is experiences to th e m a jo rity o f h is frie n d s
and acquaintances, to h is th e ra p is t, o r to his w ife . H e deeply va lu e s h is
in s ig h ts , b u t also feels set a p a rt fro m others by them . T h is has been a
source o f p a in , and he describes i t w ith g rea t feelin g .
I : So you ta lked about th is a little b it, b u t I w a n t to ask th e qu estio n

sp ecifica lly in case th e re ’s m ore th a t you w a n t to say. D o you
u n d erstan d yo urself, and w h a t you’re doing in th e w o rld , an d w ho you
a re in th e w orld d iffe re n tly since you’ve ta k e n psychedelics?
R : [long pause] Y eah . I, um , E v e ry th in g com ing out sounds so clich e-
ish . B u t it ’s as if, you know , Fm in th e w orld b u t not o f th e w o rld . Y ou
know ? T h a t’s w h a t Fm ta lk in g about. I do th e e x te rn a l dance b u t Fm
n o t to ta lly absorbed by it . A n d th a t’s been an issue fo r m e. B ecause I
n ever re a lly feel lik e Fm , lik e I belong, [clears his th ro a t] I m ean ,
[pauses] th is conversation w ith you is, you know , [pauses] I fe e l a t
hom e, [close to tears] T h is is , th is is, you know , very co m fo rtab le. B u t
Fm exposing a p a rt o f m y s e lf th a t I, th a t you know , m y w ife doesn’t
know about. Fve to ld h e r, you know , about c e rtain experiences b u t it ’s
n o t som ething she can re la te to .
I: Does th a t concern you?
R : T h a t she doesn’t sh are th at?
I: Y es. Is th a t because i t is a secret in some way?
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R : W e ll, th e re is a c e rta in p a rt o f secret to it . L ik e c o n fid e n tia lity h e re
[in th is stu d y]. B u t Fm n o t, I m ean , it ’s c e rta in ly n o t som ething Fm
asham ed of. I t ’s ju s t som ething th a t you can e ith e r re la te to it, o r you
can’t. Y eah , it ’s a problem . I fe e l lik e , u h , u m , [long pause] w e ll,
p a rtic u la rly w ith m y w ife , um , I can’t sh are a ll o f m yse lf w ith h e r
because she doesn’t have th a t backg ro un d.
I : W o u ld she disapprove?
R : N o ....I don’t...N o ....S h e know s th a t I used to do psychedelics. U m , i t ’s
ju s t th a t she can’t re la te to it . S he’s a social a c tiv is t. She’s v e ry m uch
in th e w o rld and, you kn ow , th a t’s w h a t I ad m ire about h e r. B u t she
d id n ’t have th e sam e experiences th a t I d id . A nd so, th e re ’s a c e rta in
p a rt o f m e th a t she can’t re la te to .
I : A re you th e sam e age?
R : She’s a c tu a lly o ld er. B y 2, alm o s t 3 years. So she cam e ou t o f th e
sam e e ra , b u t a t a d iffe re n t, she w as th e a n ti-w a r, c iv il rig h ts ,
co m m u n ity a c tiv is t. Y eah . M u ch m ore th a n I . I w as th e "change fro m
w ith in [type]." You know ? C hange th e w o rld from changing y o u rself
k in d o f th in g .
I : I recognize th a t.
R : Y e a h . So w e k in d o f co m p lim en t each o th e r in th a t reg ard . B u t
th e re ’s th a t, th ere is th a t, th a t chasm th a t is betw een us.
E D describes th e in flu en ce o f h is psychedelic experiences on his
w o rld v ie w in term s o f h is a b ility to accom m odate ideas and s p iritu a l
teach ing s th a t w ere no t p a rt o f h is hom e tra in in g o r h is fa m ily 's relig io u s
b eliefs an d practices. Th e re alm th a t h e en tered in h is God re a liz a tio n
experiences w as n o t described by th e s p iritu a l vocabulary to w hich he h a d
been in tro d u ced as a c h ild , w h ere b elo n g in g to a church w as p rim a rily a
social experience . H a v in g h ad such a d eep ly m oving experience u n d er th e
in flu e n c e o f a d ru g th a t h is peers w e re u sin g o n ly fo r recreatio n caused
confusion fo r E D , b u t th e s im ila rity o f h is experience to those described in
th e w ritin g s o f s p iritu a l teachers w as reas su rin g .
168
I : H a v e psychedelics changed y o u r th in k in g ?
R : M y th in k in g ? M y th o u g h t processes or [laughs] how I view th e
w orld?
I : E ith e r o f those.
R : O kay. U m , d e fin ite ly how I v ie w th e w orld! [em phatic, answ ers
q u ickly] Fm m uch m ore open to th e id ea th a t, um , th ere is such a th in g
as, u h , k a rm a . U h , [pauses] th a t th e re ’s a cosmic o rd er to th in g s. U m ,
[pauses] so in th a t w ay I th in k it ’s opened m y m ind to th a t w ay of, to ,
to , to th a t w ay o f th in k in g o r perceiving.
I: W ere you raised in a s p iritu a l p a th as a child?
R : N o. I w as n o t. I w en t to a , m y p aren ts took us to a church, b u t m ore
fo r a good social exposure. N o th in g s p iritu a l about it. U m , um , [long
pause] I rem em ber a fte r h a v in g those experiences I started read in g
R am a K ris h n a and R am an a M a h a rs i. A nd w h a t th e y ta lk e d about
w as th e experience th a t I h ad . I m ean, th a t was it! [em phatic] A n d I
don’t know i f I had been read in g , I don’t th in k I was read in g th a t k in d
o f th in g before m y experiences. B u t, I needed some v a lid ity . T h a t’s
w h a t i t w as. I needed, you know , i t w as so overw helm ing. To m e, i t was
God! I w as in lig h t! I m ean, I re a lize d m y T ru e N a tu re . W h atever you
w a n t to c a ll it . A nd, uh , th en I s ta rte d looking around and read in g and
I re a lize d th a t these people had h ad those experiences and th a t th is
w as indeed a genuine [pauses] you know , relig io u s experience. O r
w h a te v e r you w a n t to c a ll it . B u t these people had done it, not w ith
psychedelics. . . So th a t k in d o f set m e on, th e psychedelics set m e on a
p a th , b u t th en I s ta rted w a n tin g to do it , um , uh , you know , th ro ugh
n a tu ra l m eans. N o n -d ru g m eans.
I: So you recognized th a t you h ad had a s p iritu a l experience on ly w hen
you got th a t context provided b y fin d in g these readings? O r d id you
know i t fo r w h a t i t was w hen you had it?
R : F o r w h a t i t w as, as I re c a ll. I m ean, you know , I w as in ecstasy!
[em phatic] I w as, “T h is is it! T h is is th e big jo ke about life ! Th is is th e
secret o f life !”
I : [laughs] Is n ’t it? [laughs]
R : A nd I , you know , I, as I s it h ere ta lk in g about it, you know , it ’s
W hew ! I go rig h t back th e re , an d, u h , yeah. I t ’s th e e te rn a l, th e
16 9
e te rn a l, uh , consciousness. I t ’s rig h t th e re . W e’re ju s t, Fm ju s t h an g in g
o u t in th a t w o rld .
I : So, have you ever had th is experience o r th is s tate o f being come
back to you spontaneously?
R : [long pause] I can’t re c a ll it happening spontaneously. W hen I sm oke
m a riju a n a ,som etim es. Fm very sen sitive to it and som etim es F ll ju s t,
it ’ll p u t m e in th a t, F ll be rem inded. F ll lose s e lf-id e n tity and ju s t
become consciousness.
I : Is th a t ever inconvenient?
R : N o , because I sm oke, u h , I don’t sm oke m a riju a n a socially. I don’t. I
use it fo r, [pauses] fo r specific reasons. N o t to g et h ig h . N o t to socialize
w ith .
I: So no flashbacks?
R : Spontaneously? N o . N o t th e exact experience. I can get calm and
peaceful and p u re consciousness th ro u g h m e d ita tio n . Through q u ie tin g
down m y m in d . B u t it ’s n o t th e sam e. Y ou know? T h a t "This is it." Th e
ah -h a! Y ou know? T h e A w aken in g experience.
E D has brou gh t h is in sig h ts from h is psychedelic experiences to h is
practice as a h e a lth professional, w here he feels th a t th e y have m ade h im a
b e tte r lis te n e r, an d m ore em pathic and in tu itiv e .
R : Y eah . W e ll, th a t touches on som ething else th a t I re a lize d a few

years back. W o rkin g w ith people, th e re la tio n s h ip th a t you have, th e
one-on-one re la tio n s h ip , in and o f its e lf is a h e alin g , can be a h e alin g
re la tio n s h ip . So it m ay n o t m a tte r w h a t you te ll th em , b u t i f th ey get
from you th e m essage, lik e th is [p a rtic u la r p a tie n t] w ho becam e so
peaceful a fte r I [helped h e r to fin d a co n text fo r h e r sym ptom s.] Y ou
know? I th in k w h a t she needed was to h e a r th a t she’s n o t th e only one
th a t’s experienced th is . A nd th a t she’s n o t somehow fre a k in g o u t o r
w e ird , and th a t it ’s okay to feel th e w ay she does. . . . A nd I th in k th a t,
in and o f its e lf, you know , is h ealin g to people. To know th a t you know
w h ere th ey’re a t. A nd th e re ’s so m uch h e a lin g th a t goes on th ere. Y ou
know? O ften tim es you ju s t lis te n to somebody . . . In fa c t, I th in k th a t’s
a b ig problem w ith th e w ay we’re tra in e d in W estern m edicine. People
ju s t aren ’t h eard . Y ou know? Y eah. T h ey don’t g et to share [w here th e y
170
a re ]. . . A n d I th in k th e psychedelics d id th a t fo r m e. A llow ed m e to
s h a re , to g et to th e ir space w ith o th e r, you know , beings.
A t age 4 5 , E D is n o t c e rta in w h e th e r he w ill use psychedelics ag a in
in th e fu tu re . H e h ad a deep experience o f u n ion w ith th e D iv in e d u rin g h is
e a rly psychedelic trip s , b u t, lik e D B , h e expresses h im s e lf as h avin g h ad
g re a t d iffic u lty b rin g in g th a t aw areness to a concrete and p rac tica l re a lity
in h is everyd ay life . L ik e th a t o f D B , h is personal h is to ry is a d ialec tic
n a rra tiv e in w h ich he struggles to fu lfill th e resp o n sib ilities o f his o rd in a ry
life , w h ile re m a in in g tru e to h is experiences o f connectedness to th e D iv in e .
H e is p re s e n tly try in g to a c tu a lize h is in sig h ts in h is w o rk in a h e a lin g
profession, and in h is fa m ily and com m unity life , b u t he fin ds th a t th e
resp o n s ib ilities o f d a ily life m ake it d iffic u lt to devote h im s e lf to s p iritu a l
m a tte rs .
'"H o w can th e y try to end th is beauty?'"
U n lik e E D , G M describes h im s e lf as h a vin g been able to in te g ra te
his psychedelic in sig h ts an d id eals in to h is ex is tin g life scrip t. A fte r h is
in itia l experiences m ore th a n th irty years ago, G M n e ith e r dropped o u t n o r
gave u p h is use o f psychedelics, w h ich he s till uses re g u la rly . H is s to ry is
o f som eone w ho has seen a visio n o f th e b eau ty o f th e w o rld and th e
p o s s ib ility o f h arm o n y am ong people, an d has w orked s te a d ily fo r years
to w ard a secure professional position fro m w hich he can re a lize th a t visio n
in th e co m m u n ity. G M describes h im s e lf as an a c tiv is t, tith e s a s u b s ta n tia l
p o rtio n o f h is incom e to social ju s tic e an d en viro n m en tal causes, and takes
a le a d e rs h ip ro le in several p o litic a l o rg an izatio n s.
I : H o w o ften w ould you ta k e psychedelics?

R : I ’m alw ays somebody th a t’s done i t everyw h ere fro m every m o n th to
e v e ry tw e lv e m onths. So, as an averag e, th re e o r fo u r tim es a y e a r.
171
I : A nd has th a t been an on-going p a tte rn since w hen you firs t took
them ?
R : Y eah . Y eah . Fd say th a t since I fir s t took th em . . . every th re e
m onths is an average. Fve gone a y e a r and no t ta k e n any. A nd , you
kn ow , Fve trip p ed th re e tim es in a w eek. T h a t’s p re tty un usual and
u n d e r special circum stances.
I : D id yo u r psychedelic experiences a ffe c t yo u r u n d erstan d in g o f
yourself?
R : [pauses] I th in k so.
I : C an you say how?
R : [pauses] I th in k it ’s ta k e n some years to fe e l th a t m ore. B u t, u m , I
th in k e a rlie r it w as h a rd e r m aybe because th e re w asn’t a lo t o f good
guidance. B u t Fd have these w o n d erfu l tim es. A nd th en as I w as
com ing down it w ould be lik e , "W hy don’t w e ju s t have th a t b eau ty I
could see w hen I w as tripp ing ?" Y ou know? A nd sp ecifically, I
rem em ber being up a ll n ig h t read in g th e screenplay fo r H a ir . You
know ? A nd you know , th a t w hole th in g : "How can th ey try to end th is
beauty?" A nd w as lik e : "W h at can w e do to change that?" So th e re ’s
alw ays a fru s tra tio n because, you kn ow , even though you saw th is
b e au ty now you’re dow n. A nd now you’ve got to go back to school or
w o rk. A nd i t probably w asn’t u n til I , you know , fin ish ed m y [education]
th a t I re a lize d , “O h, okay. M aybe I have some pow er to do som ething
now .” A nd it probably w asn’t u n til ’88 w hen I a c tu a lly took some tim e
aw ay fro m [w orking] th a t I sta rte d fe e lin g re a lly h a p p ier about m y
a b ility to liv e m y visio n . So th a t w as probably th e beginning o f m y
becom ing an a c tiv is t in an y k in d o f re a l w ay. E ven though m y h e a rt
w as alw ays in it , th e re w ere th e p ra c tic a l re a litie s . You've got to go to
school, and you got to do th is w o rk. So th a t p o ss ib ility th a t m y w o rk
could also be som ething th a t could change th e w o rld , th a t had to come
la te r. A fte r I set up th in g s, I guess. A nd Fm s till in th a t. You know?
L ik e how to best do th a t. So, w h a t w as th e question? H as i t affected
m y life?
I: D id it change yo u r u n d erstan d in g o f yourself? W e ll, you kn ow , a ll
these questions are v a ria tio n s on th e them e o f "H as it affected yo u r
life .? ” I t ’s ju s t a lo t o f d iffe re n t w ays to g et a t it. So, um , do you th in k
172
yo u r values a re d ifferen t? O r yo u r goals are d iffe re n t because o f your
use o f psychedelics?
R : I th in k so. I th in k I ’m , I have m ore o f a tendency to look a t
som ething as "How can w e a ll b e n e fit from this?" R a th e r th an , you
know , "How can m y group benefit? A nd w h a t can w e ta k e from the
o th e r group? You know? T h a t doesn’t m ake sense to m e.
I: To th in k th a t way?
R : To th in k th a t w ay. W hereas i f you, you know , i f I had never [had
those experiences] and I ’d gone in to [business school] w h at th ey w ould
have ta u g h t m e, Fm ju s t guessing cause I d id n ’t ta k e [economics], it
w ould be lik e , "W e ll, th is is th e economy and th ere are some people th a t
are th e w o rkers.” You know? I m ean, th a t’s w h a t it seems lik e . Even
governm ents ru n on th a t. A nd th is w hole W o rld T rad e O rg an izatio n
th in g , you know , it ’s n o t lik e "How can w e h elp th e m ost people?" I t ’s
m ore lik e , you know , "M aybe it w ill tric k le dow n. B u t th ere’s an
econom y to be invoked h ere." You know? So I have a bigger view th a t
w an ts to in clu d e, you know , "How can we m ake i t so th e people
stru g g le less?”
I: U m , hum . A nd th a t’s a W ay in w hich you fe el th a t you’ve been
changed by psychedelic experiences th a t you’ve had?
R : U m , hum .[yes]
I: Is th a t because o f an increase o f insight?
R : I th in k so. I t feels to m e lik e w hen I have those visions o f oneness
th a t I a c tu a lly see, you know , w e don’t have to be stru g g lin g . T h a t
th e re ’s som ething, th e re ’s some o th er w ay th a t th is could be. W here it
doesn’t have to be, you kn ow , us fig h tin g fo r th e best scraps.
G M 's personal h is to ry is a progressive n a rra tiv e in w hich visions o f
oneness have inform ed h is stead y progress to w ard his goal o f w orking fo r
social change and social ju s tic e . A t age 53 , he is com fortable w ith his life
p a th and h is achievem ents. H e plans to continue to use psychedelics from
tim e to tim e .
"In te rn a l m en tal m apping"
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H M w as a lre a d y in te re s te d in th e b e a tn ik social w o rld w hen he
encountered h is firs t psychedelic, D M T , a t age 26. H e soon began ta k in g
D M T and LS D re g u la rly . A lth o u g h he did e v e n tu a lly d rop o u t o f h is jo b , he
re la te s th is as m uch to th e social en viron m ent as to h is L S D experiences.
R : W e ll, to begin w ith , m y firs t psychedelic w as D M T . U h , and I w as in

[th is] N a tio n a l P a rk w ith a bunch o f m ountain clim b ers w ho w ere th e re
from N ew Y o rk . . . .A nd th ey offered it to m e, and I fe lt com fortable
enough to ta k e it.
I : M y! H ow w as th at?
R : U h , m y firs t th o u g h t was [laughs] I w anted to g e t back up th ere!
[laughs] C ause it ju s t, I m ean, it w as in credib le! [em p hatic] I t ju s t, uh ,
th ere w as th is w hole w a te rfa ll o f A m erican In d ia n design im ages and
s tu ff th a t ju s t k in d o f flashed th ro ugh me in th e process o f going up and
com ing dow n. I t w as an in cred ib le experience. . .
I : A nd w h a t d id you do n ext a fte r th at? D id you w a n t to do m ore
psychedelics? A nd d id you go o u t and look fo r them ?
R : N o, I d id n ’t go o u t and look fo r them , [em phatic] I , u h , I w a n t to
preface th is a little b it, I had been sm oking dope since I w as 15. W hich
w as m uch, m uch before th is , b u t I didn’t even know w h a t th e y called
th is [D M T ]. A nd a t th e end o f th e sum m er m y frie n d s w ere going back
to N ew Y o rk , and th e y offered th a t, i f I w anted to com e, th ey’d p u t m e
up fo r a w h ile u n til I found a place and ev eryth in g . So, I packed up m y
Jeep and m y hound dog and m y o th er assorted belongings and took o ff
to N ew Y o rk . I ended up la n d in g a jo b , and Fd . . . do L S D on w eekends
every once in a w h ile . B u t, I d id n ’t head o ff lo o kin g fo r D M T . O r head
o ff looking fo r m ore psychedelics. I developed a bond th e re w ith some
re a lly n e at people and pursued it . . . A nd w e ended u p b ein g involved
w ith a k in d o f a com m unity in N ew Y ork. W e w ere k in d o f h avin g
m eetings an d developing a com m unity o f 'W h a t do w e do w ith w h a t’s
been happening h ere in our streets?" . . .
I : W e ll, w ere th e re an y changes in your life th e n as a re s u lt o f these
experiences?
R ; A t th a t tim e no t re a lly , [em phatic] I landed a jo b [in a c ity agency]
th e re and w e n t and p u t on m y s u it and tie every m o rn in g . A nd
17 4
com m uted up th e subw ay 75 blocks and w en t to w o rk in a [big
in s titu tio n ] every d ay fo r probably about a y e a r and a h a lf. A nd th en
d u rin g th e la tte r p a rt o f th a t tim e th e re w ere m ore th ing s going on
lo c a lly w ith psychedelics. I s ta rte d ta k in g m ore trip s on w eekends, and
got in vo lved w ith a place th a t Th e League fo r S p iritu a l D iscovery had
set up on th e L o w er W est S ide as a haven fo r people w ho w ere h avin g
bad trip s . I w ould w o rk a t [m y re g u la r job] in th e day tim e [laughs]
and th e n go dow n th e re and ta lk to people and hang o u t w ith people
th a t w ere com ing in o ff th e streets in th e evenings. T h a t ev e n tu a lly ,
you know , got to a p o in t w h ere I could no longer continue in th a t
p o la rity . A nd so I dropped o u t and le ft N ew Y o rk.
I: So w h a t w as th e effect o f a ll th is on your em otional w ell-being? W ere
you affected?
R : I w as m uch h ap p ier! [em p hatic] [laughs] Y eah , m uch h ap p ier. A nd
no t p a rtic u la rly because o f psychedelics, b u t being in vo lved w ith th e
stre e t energy an d th is k in d o f fe e lin g o f som ething big going on on th e
stre e t le v e l, it m ade it h a rd e r and h a rd e r fo r m e to w o rk [w here I w as
w o rkin g ]. Because h ere I w as s ittin g s till, doing [very precise] w o rk, so I
was doing th is little , p e tite , d e lica te stage-by-stage s tu ff. A nd th e re s t o f
m y life w as expan din g a t th e speed o f sound! You know? So it becam e
obvious th a t I couldn’t do th e tw o o f them to g eth er fo r v e ry long. . .
I : A nd w h a t ab o u t yo u r values? H av e psychedelics affected yo ur
values?
R : I'm n o t sure, [pauses] I m ean, one o f th e th ing s I ’ve done, w hich is a
little d iffe re n t th a n a lo t o f people, I to ta lly dropped out fo r a num ber o f
years. A nd th e n w e n t back an d found m yself as a p a re n t w ith m y
w ife ’s kid s and m y ow n. T h a t’s 6 k id s , and so I w en t back and fig u red
ou t a w ay to m ake a liv in g . A nd developed a re la tiv e ly s tra ig h t
business an d a ll o f th a t. A nd th e n e v e n tu a lly it d id w h a t it needed to
do, w hich w as su p p o rt m e and m y w ife and kid s. A nd th e n I no longer
w as in te re s te d in doing th a t so I dropped o u t ag ain . B u t, u m , I don’t
a ttrib u te th a t p a rtic u la rly to psychedelics. I w ould have been a
d iffe re n t person i f I had stayed in N ew Y o rk [kep t m y jo b ], and gone out
and been th e up an d com ing young [N ew Y o rk e r]. B u t I don’t know how
fa r I w o uld have gone, kn o w in g m y ow n n a tu re , before I w ould have
dropped o u t o f th a t an y how ! I m ean, an o th er w hole aspect o f th is is
175
th a t I d id n ’t s ta rt m y underground experiences w ith psychedelics. I
w e n t o ff and trie d to be a b e a tn ik fo r a num ber o f y ears, an d was
in vo lved in V enice, C a lifo rn ia w ith th e w hole b e a tn ik m ovem ent. A nd
th e n w en t back to college in th e m idd le o f th a t, so I h ad gone through
th a t experience o f going back and fo rth . Some people w ho dropped o u t
ju s t w hen I encountered psychedelics took it on m ore as a to ta l life
change, never to be resolved ag ain , w hich I d id n 't p a rtic u la rly . I m ean,
i t changed m y life a lo t in th a t i t k in d o f bridged a lo t o f gaps in m y
th in k in g so th a t IV e been able to develop a m ore personal re lig io n . I t ’s
ta u g h t m e a lo t m ore about w h a t m y m otivations a re as fa r as, uh, n o t
g e ttin g on tangents and fe e lin g th a t th a t’s th e only th in g possible
going, and th a t H I never be doing an yth in g else. I don’t do th a t k in d o f
s tu ff anym ore.
R a th e r th a n being forced to drop ou t because psychedelics affected
th e ir th in k in g o r stig m atized th em as social m isfits, H M suggests th a t
a lte m a tiv e /c o u n te rc u ltu ra l life s ty le s o f some o f those w ho to "tu rn ed on,
tu n ed in and dropped out” m ay been a positive choice th a t provided a
b u ffe r ag ain st d riftin g by d e fa u lt in to w h a t seemed to be v e ry
u n satisfa cto ry conventional life p lo ts. H M 's n a rra tiv e describes h is life as
h a v in g been m ade more in te re s tin g and com plex by h is encounters w ith
psychedelics, b u t havin g b a sic ally m ain ta in e d about th e tra je c to ry th a t he
w ould have expected, based on h is ow n self-know ledge. H e suggests th a t
th is m ay be d iffe re n t fo r others:
I : I th in k w h a t you said w as lots o f people who had th e ir firs t

c o u n te rc u ltu ra l or u n usual experience in re la tio n to psychedelics took
i t up as a k in d o f to ta l life change from w hich th ey could n ever go
back?
R : Y eah .
I : A n d can you say m ore about th at?
R : W e ll, ju s t th a t I th in k because it w as a ce rtain le v e l o f young people
o f w ho [had th e ir] firs t counter c u ltu re experience w ith psychedelics, . .
. som e o f th e kids in th e ‘60’s and also la te r on, th a t th e ir enthusiasm
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and involvem ent w ith drugs, n o t ju s t psychedelics, w as a personal
a tte m p t to m ake them selves in cap able o f g e ttin g sucked in to th e r a t
race! A nd it was th e only w ay th ey could fin d in them selves to b a ttle
som ething th a t th e y ’d seen th e ir p aren ts and th e ir older re la tiv e s and
a ll get sucked in to . A nd th e y w ere sem iconscious o r conscious attem p ts
on some w ays to m ake them selves u n e lig ib le fo r th a t te m p tatio n . F o r
w o rk. A nd fo r those kid s I th in k , you know , some o f them have gone not
p a rtic u la rly back to th e r a t race b u t have found o th er w ays o f going
ahead w ith th e ir personal evolvem ent, and fin d in g th e business, hom e
and fa m ily th a t su its 'em . A n d I th in k some o f th em didn’t, [or] haven’t.
W hen asked how psychedelics have affected his life , H M does n o t
o ffer any c e rtain ju d g m en t about w h eth er he is h ap p ier as a re s u lt o f h is
psychedelic explo ration s. H e describes h im s e lf as in terested in th e use o f
psychedelics fo r “in te rn a l m en tal m apping” an d relates m any in cid en ts in
w hich he trie d to un d erstan d th e possible stru c tu re and uses o f an u n u su al
state o r re a lm th a t he en tered , o r to com m unicate w ith th e beings he
encountered th ere.
R : One o f m y philosophical dilem m as. . . is about a person w ho has one

revelatio n in a life tim e and lives by it , as com pared to a person w ho
has, you know , m an y reve latio n s , over and over ag ain , and is not ab le
to personally, u h , develop an y o f th em because o f th is on-going process
o f revelations. A nd th a t’s no t even a question to m yself!
I: [laughs]
R : As fa r as ta k in g psychedelics it's w h eth er I w ould have been a
hap p ier cam per i f I had som ew here h ad one re v e la tio n , and th a t i t
lasted m e a life tim e . D id it develop in to a road o f in q u iry th a t I ’m now
tra v e lin g ?
I: C an you say m ore about th at? T h e road o f in q u iry?
R : W e ll, it ’s a process o f le a rn in g about life . . . Id e a lly you w ould g e t to
a p o in t w here you w ere ab le to , I m ean, i f th e re is tru ly such a th in g as
c e llu la r m em ory th e n you should as a person have th e a b ility to access
yo ur w hole, you kn ow , genealogy. A nd b rin g it to th e fore, you know , as
fa r as in fo rm atio n fo r m akin g personal decisions, o r d irectio n , th a t
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k in d o f th in g . . . I see m y com puter doing it w hen i t goes back th ro u g h
th e "fix th e files" and a ll these nam es come up, and every once in a
w h ile th e re ’s some th a t com e up th a t you recognize fo r a m om ent, an d
th e n you zoom on back th ro u g h s tu ff. T h a t I consider a re lig io u s
experience. T h a t I consider a k in d o f v a lid a tin g o f th e id ea th a t I had
h ad about c e llu la r m em ory. A n d I know th a t one o f m y firs t
in carn a tio n s, or one o f m y firs t recognitions o f c e llu la r m em ory, is th a t
o f a sm all tre e frog in som ew here lik e B ritis h G uyana. Y ou know ?
T h a t’s k in d o f w here i t le ft o ff, w ith m e as th is little frog s ittin g on a
lim b in th e ju n g le , [laughs] A n d o th er experiences. . . Fve h a d p la n ts
ta lk to m e. T e ll m e who th e y a re and th a t th ey can be, uh , k in d o f
in te ra c te d w ith , you know . I m ean th ey didn’t, th e leaves w eren ’t
fla p p in g and th ey w eren’t " ta lk in g ," b u t n a tu ra lly th ey a ttra c te d m e
an d th e y s ta rted ta lk in g an d te llin g w h at th ey w ere. O ne exam p le o f
th a t w as w hen I was in B o u ld e r,. . . we w en t o u t th e fro n t door, an d
th e re w as th is old elm tre e th a t had been rig h t w here th e re w ere
se veral sets o f w ires overhead to it . I t had been c u t and chopped and
c u t o ff u n til it was b a sic ally ju s t th is big set o f b u rls w ith a fe w little
branches on top. A nd it ju s t m oaned and groaned and it w as ju s t, you
kn o w , you could fe el th e en ergy o f th is poor th in g try in g to s ta y a liv e !
A n d co n tin u a lly being slashed and hacked to b its! A nd th e en erg y o f it ,
you know , was k in d o f astounding! [em phatic]. . . A n o th er experience I
h ad . . . W e decided w e w ere going to have chicken fo r supper. A n d
th e re w ere a bunch o f k in d o f scraggly chickens ru n n in g aro u n d , so I
cau g h t a couple o f th em . A n d w e had a ll taken psychedelics in th e
aftern o o n , and I w en t an d cu t th e heads o ff a couple o f th em to h ave fo r
su pp er. A nd in side o f m y b ra in , in m y visu al b ra in , was th is "splat" o f
en erg y. I t k in d o f looked lik e som ething out o f th e Zap com ics, a m u lti
p o in ted s ta r w ith in a m u lti po inted s ta r w ith in a m u lti p o in ted s ta r.
A n d it k in d o f stuck in m y b ra in fo r several m onths. A nd m y
in te rp re ta tio n was th a t i t w as th e physical energy o f th e ax h ittin g th e
neck o f th e chicken. A nd th e chicken going out th a t w ay. . .
I : So have psychedelics affected th e w ay th a t you th in k?
R : Y eah . Y eah . I m ean, A s fa r as th e chem ical in te ra c tio n in m y b ra in
an d th in k in g in th a t sense, I don’t know i f th ey have or no t. T h e y v e ry
possibly have. U h , as fa r as m y a ttitu d e in th in k in g , yeah! V e ry m uch!
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A n d Fm a m uch h u m b ler person now th a n I was before these
experiences. A nd a t th is p o in t anybody can te ll m e a n y th in g and F ll
believe 'em ! I m ig h t n o t re a c t to it . I f somebody comes in and says th a t
th e re ’s a green b ear on top o f th e teleph on e pole I don’t doubt th a t th e y
fe e l th e re ’s a green b e ar on top o f th e telephone pole! As to w h e th e r Fm
going to s ta rt s e llin g tic k e ts o r n o t, I m ig h t not.
I: [laughs]
R : B u t it ’s not th a t I doubt th e ir p erception .
I: So th a t, lik e , th ere’s m ore d iffe re n t ran g e o f p o ssib ilities fo r th in g s
th a t could be tru e o r real?
R : [answ ers quickly] O h , yeah! [em p h atic] Y eah . V e ry m uch.
I: Is th a t accurate? I m ean , w h a t I said , is th a t accurate?
R : Y eah . Y eah. T h a t’s how I w o u ld , you know , th e tru th is re la tiv e ,
[laughs]
H M describes m any experiences th a t do n o t f it w e ll in to an o rd in a ry
tim e an d space stru ctu re , in c lu d in g encounters w ith non-hum an
in tellig en ces , encounters w ith persons fro m o th e r h isto ric tim es , an d "holes
in space" th a t allo w access to d iffe re n t planes o f re a lity . T h e experience o f
"know ing th a t these th in g s e x is t, an d th a t th e y are v e ry re a l" has deeply
affected H M 's ideas about th e n a tu re o f re a lity , and h is sense th a t w e can
in te ra c t and com m unicate outside th e boundaries o f o u r d ay-to -d ay
consciousness.
I: D id psychedelics have an y k in d o f an effect on yo u r re la tio n s h ip to

o th e r drugs? L ik e alcohol o r o th e r m in d a lte rin g chem icals?
R : W e ll I never w as m uch in to alcohol. B u t, I p a rtic u la rly found th a t I
w asn’t a t a ll in terested in alcohol d u rin g psychedelics. I t w as a re a l
dow ner. M y in te re s t in psychedelics w as n o t in th e re a l low dosage,
w h ich w as ju s t, you kn ow , fe e lin g a little accelerated. I w as in terested
in in te rn a l m en tal m apping, an d I w asn’t doing re a l larg e doses. B u t, I
w as doing enough to g e t yo u r a tte n tio n and set you dow n and m ake
you pay a tte n tio n to w h a t you w e re doing.
I: In te rn a l m en tal m apping? D o you w a n t to say m ore about th at?
179
R : W e ll, I m ean, it ’s ju s t w h a t i t is . Fve had a lo t o f re a lly in cred ib le
psychedelic experiences! [em p h atic] U h , I have no idea w h a t th ey
m ean. I haven’t, you know , picked up th e bann er and gone o ff p arad in g
around to , you know , cam paign fo r th em . B u t, w h at th ey b asically
have show n m e is th a t th e re is so m uch m ore out th ere th a t we don’t
even h ave a clue about! O r how a ll th e th in g s out th ere in te ra c t w ith
each o th e r. O r any o f t h a t . . . th e re is re a lly an aw fu l lo t th ere th a t w e
don’t kn ow . A nd, u h , [using] psychedelics is a w ay th a t I had o f try in g
to experience some o f th a t. A nd k in d o f because o f th a t experience, th a t
w as also b asically w hy I stopped ta k in g psychedelics; in th a t I re a lly
fe lt th a t I w as on an e le v a to r th a t h ad no flo o r num bers! A nd th a t
you'd open th e door and you’d be som eplace, and th en you’d go back
and close it , and th e n e x t tim e you’d be som ewhere else. A nd th ere w as
no w ay to co rrelate betw een one place and th e other. Th ere w asn’t an y
consistency here. A nd so I fig u re d th a t I needed to go back and get
some ground w o rk, and try to fig u re o u t w h a t some o f th a t s tu ff m ean t.
A nd also, you know , how it re la te d .
I : A nd h ave you done th at?
j
R : U h , I , yeah. B u t, I m ean, one th in g it ’s k in d o f lik e , is u h , i f you’re

flo a tin g in a h eliu m balloon and you s ta rt th in k in g about th e concept o f
fly in g . A n d th e p o ssib ility o f fly in g w ith o u t th e h eliu m balloon. B u t
th en , w h en you’re back on th e ground w ith o u t th e h eliu m balloon you’re
a long w a y from fly in g ! So, th e progress you’ve m ade doesn’t seem lik e
ve ry m uch! [laughs] I t ’s k in d o f th e sam e w ith psychedelics. A nd I
m ade some progress, Fve understood some th in g s, b u t it ’s a long w ays
aw ay fro m an y o f th e re a lly m ore exotic th in g s th a t happened un der
psychedelics.
H M 's psychedelic experiences h ave provided m uch m a te ria l fo r his
life lo n g in te re s t in "the road o f in q u iry ." H is experiences o f accessing h is
c e llu la r m em ory and o f being ab le to connect w ith an im als, p lan ts and
o th er levels o f re a lity have im pressed h im w ith th e unknow n te rrito ry o f
th e m in d , an d produced a w illin g n ess to consider th a t things m ay not be as
th e y seem o r as w e expect th em to be. H is personal histo ry could be
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understood as a s ta b ility n a rra tiv e , in w h ich he m ade some co nventional
and some unconventional life choices, a ll consistent w ith h is self-
u n derstand ing and personal valu es. A n a lte rn a tiv e in te rp re ta tio n w ould be
th a t o f a ro m an tic saga, in w h ich progressive an d regressive n a rra tiv e s
a lte rn a te d as H M dropped in to and out o f a v a rie ty o f businesses,
relatio n sh ip s an d social m ovem ents. H M is now 6 1 , and has used no
psychedelics fo r th e la s t 7 years. H e does n o t exclude th e p o ssib ility th a t
he w ill use th em ag ain in th e fu tu re .
"A w o rld in w hich th ere is Presence
Since e a rly adolescence o r childhood, M O h as been profoundly
concerned about th e state o f th e w o rld , its p o litic s and th e n a tu ra l
environm ent. She h ad alread y dropped o u t o f college before h e r psychedelic
experiences, an d h ad become deeply uneasy ab ou t th e p o ssib ility o f n u c le a r
w a r and global d evastatio n .
She describes h e rs e lf as h a vin g a "p e rs o n a lity disorder” and no t
h avin g an easy tim e so cializing w ith o thers. M O experienced a prolonged
dissociative episode fo llow ing in gestion o f L S D in 1982, and a s im ila r b u t
less len g th y episode th a t was no t associated w ith th e use o f any
psychedelic a decade la te r. W h ile no t p res en tly em ployed in a co nventional
jo b , M O w orks fu ll tim e as an a c tiv is t fo r a v a rie ty o f social and
en viro n m en tal causes and is a s k ille d p ra c titio n e r o f ecological re s to ra tio n
and lan d m anagem ent. Com pared to o th er respondents to th is stu d y, she
earns a v e ry low incom e, and she describes h e rs e lf as no t h avin g adequate
resources to pro vid e fo r h e r ow n h e a lth care.
M O expresses a fe elin g o f personal re s p o n s ib ility fo r th e w o rk th a t
she perceives needs to be done on a global scale. H e r e a rly psychedelic
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experiences rein fo rced h e r sense th a t e v e ry th in g th a t exists is a liv e , and
th a t w e are connected to an d responsible fo r a ll o f it.
R : M y experience o f psychedelics is th a t...th e basic th in g th a t I w ould

encounter w ith th e ir use w as,...w as, m y ow n perception of, urn,
[pauses] o f an a n im a te w o rld . O f a w o rld in w hich th e re is...P resen ce.
M y basic stru g g le w as to come to term s w ith m y, um , [pauses]
aw areness th a t I , . . . I w as in th e presence o f D e ity , [th is w as re la te d in a
h e s ita tin g , v e ry slow , v e ry em o tio n al, re v e re n tia l tone and affect] A nd
w h a t do you do w ith th a t knowledge? T h a t: "Yes! Y es, W e are!” T h a t
was m y stru g g le. Y es! I stepped in to kn o w in g th a t th e D e ity w as
ab so lu tely th ere! [em p hatic] A nd , um , w h a t answ ers d id I have, um , to ,
to , to th e question o f, "O h , you’re here?” A n d b asically , th e stru ggle
w as, "O h, God’s going to show up any second! A nd Fm going to have to
te ll h im how come th is place is such a m ess!” [laug hs]. T h a t re a liz a tio n
sent m e im m e d ia te ly in to a s tate o f te rro r, [raises h e r voice, em phatic]
I im ag in e th a t th a t’s w h y I had w h a t o th e r people described as bad
trip s . I w as d e a lin g w ith th e te rro r caused b y Im m anen ce, [speakin g
* •
ve ry lo udly] A n d one’s in d iv id u a l re s p o n s ib ility tow ards th a t.

I: W hich is ...? ,
R : [pauses] "W hy a re w e here?" O r [pauses] 'W h a t’s m y job?"
I: U h , h u h . [yes] O kay. A ll rig h t, [sp eakin g v e ry so ftly]
R : "W hat’s m y job?" "Am I doing i t correctly?" A nd, u m , [laughs] m y
basic stru ggle in p sych ed elic-lan d, th a t I w as d ealin g w ith d iffe re n tly
th a n o th er people, w as m ost exem p lified b y an experience th a t I had in
B ig S u r. [laughs] I t w as th e classic. I rem em ber e a tin g acid and
im m e d ia tely step p in g in to th is place th a t could only be described by
T ib e ta n B uddhism . A b so lu tely ev ery th in g w as, um , m ade up o f th e
bones o f its ancestors. I could see every sin g le little bone and trac e o f
life le fto v e r in ev ery sin g le rock th a t I looked a t! [em phatic] A nd
e v eryth in g w as lik e th a t. T o ta lly , to ta lly , to ta lly , to ta lly , to ta lly ,
to ta lly gorgeous! I don’t th in k th a t I ’ve ev er seen a n y th in g so b e a u tifu l!
[em phatic] A nd th e m em ory I have o f i t is s till exquisite! B u t I know
th a t th e em otion al s ta te th a t I w as in w as one o f absolute te rro r. O f
know ledge th a t th e C re a to r o r w h atev er w o rd people use fo r it , was
im m an en t in th e u n ive rs e. A nd because o f th a t we w ere q u ite d e fin ite ly
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h ere fo r a purpose, b u t somehow it w as n o t b ein g v e ry c le a rly
expressed b y o u r beings, [laughs] A nd you kn ow , Fd ju s t get locked
in to th a t question over and over and over ag ain ! N o m a tte r w h a t
m ilie u I w as in . W h eth er it w as ju s t m e w re s tlin g w ith m y own being,
or w h eth er th a t I w as in a social s itu a tio n . T h a t’s alw ays [em phatic]
th e question m y in te rio r w as stru g g lin g w ith .
I: Say th e question?
R: [pauses] T h e un iverse is an in te llig e n t m an ife s ta tio n , and it is
an im ate in a ll o f its p a rts . A nd th e question is , is “H ow do w e e a s ily go
along w ith its dance, in a w ay th a t m akes us and I t fe e l good a t th e
sam e tim e?” G e ttin g m y s e lf to fe e l good has been a v e ry b ig d eal in m y
life .
I: T h is sounds lik e a m em orable experience.
R: I t is! I b rin g it up because it ’s th e epitom e o f a ll th e others.
M O speaks o f th e d iffic u lty o f describ ing th e psychedelic experience,
a llo w in g fo r no w a rn in g o f its in te n s ity to be given to th e inexperienced:
R ; T h is is a b ig problem , I th in k , w ith acid [LS D ] a lo t. C ause th e re ’s

no w ay to te ll someone! [em phatic] T h ere is no w ay to te ll someone!
T h ere is no w ay to w arn th em !. . . [laughs] I t is , it re a lly is w a lk in g
th ro ugh a door, th ro u g h w h ich afterw ard s e v e ry th in g is d iffe re n t. A nd
th a t you even know th a t th e re is such a place is v e ry d iffe re n t!
[em phatic] I t ’s v e ry d iffe re n t! I t ’s th e place th a t you’re curious as a k id
about, you know? You k in d of, you ta k e th e fa iry ta le suggestion and
you decide, "W e ll, I know w here th e secret door is! It's rig h t in th a t
w a ll and I ’m going to tr y th e m agic w ords to n ig h t w hen I go to bed.
A nd H I w a lk th rough." You know?
She places h e r psychedelic experiences in th e context o f h e r life lo n g
sense o f social aw kw ardness; and suggests th a t psychedelics h ig h lig h te d
fo r h e r th e u n satisfacto ry q u a lity o f h e r college experience, w hich seem ed
v e ry rem ote fro m th e v ita l concerns o f th e tim e .
R : M y a n ti-w a r stance w as a re s u lt o f ra tio n a l th o u g h t. A t le a s t to m e.

I opposed th e w a r and got o u t on th e streets w ith people a t a m uch
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younger age th a n [w hen I started ] ta k in g psychedelics. I would
describe m yse lf as so cially retard ed , in th a t I d id n ’t le a rn to relax and
ju s t m ake noise w ith people u n til I w as about 25. So w h a t I th in k is
th a t probably before th e e a rly use o f psychedelics, I ju s t k in d o f was
th is extrem ely locked-in person. I th in k th a t I w ould have been
enm eshed and not been ab le to leave th e u n iv e rs ity had I not taken
psychedelics, [em phatic] I believe th a t I w ould have s till been en trained
in th e sam e d irectio n . A nd th a t I don’t th in k th a t I w ould have bravely
stepped o ff in to , " I don’t know w here I ’m going! [em phatic] I ju s t know
th a t Fm leavin g!" B u t I never achieved an y k in d o f re a lly long lastin g
sense o f ease w ith psychedelics. A nd since I w asn’t a good p a rty g irl
behind it , I d id n ’t very often encounter th em [pauses] [long pause] I t
ju s t k in d o f in terlo cked w ith w h at was happening w ith [m y] whole
rejectio n o f th e academ ic m ode, w hich w as to ta lly in co nflict w ith w h at
I perceived as being necessary fo r ou r g e n eratio n , w hich was quite
d e fin ite ly to le a rn how to liv e in peace, [em p hatic] F in ish in g m y
education, o r going in to grad school, it seem ed to m e, w as absolutely
no t going to h elp . So l h ad alread y dropped o u t b y [the tim e I took
L S D ]. I took acid a nu m b er o f tim es, and I do rem em ber th a t people
w ere n o t com fortable aro u n d m e because I d id n ’t experience th e same
k in d of, um , Sunshine D aydream experience th a t everyone else seemed
to have! [em phatic]
M O 's psychedelic experiences w ere no t re c re a tio n a l, nor w ere th ey
pleasurable fo r th e m ost p a rt. Peers who experienced th e aw e -fu ll q u ality
and serious content o f M O 's psychedelic experiences id e n tifie d these as
"bad trip s ." T h e discom fort th a t others fe lt w ith h e r response to
psychedelics lim ite d h e r p a rtic ip a tio n in th e k in d o f "party" use o f
psychedelics th a t was comm on a t h e r U n iv e rs ity , and added to h er sense o f
social aw kw ardness.
A bout th e tim e th a t she was confronting h e r unhappiness w ith
college life , M O m et th e group th a t w ould become h e r social w orld, a
tra v e lin g "psychedelic clu ster" th a t she spontaneously jo in ed a w hen it
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v is ite d h e r U n iv e rs ity . T h e group w ith w h ich she w as associated trav eled
th ro u g h o u t th e U n ite d S tates, p a rtic ip a tin g in fe s tiv a l events a t w hich
g re a t num bers to o k psychedelics. As experienced trip p e rs , th is group w as
c a lled upon to provide h o s p ita lity and secu rity fo r m an y o f these
g ath erin g s u n d er a fo rm a l o r in fo rm a l arran g em en t w ith ev en t producers.
B y ta k in g psychedelics in these settin gs along w ith th e o th e r celebrants,
M O exp lain s, group m em bers w ere ab le to u n d erstan d and in te ra c t w ith
th e p a rtic ip a n ts in a w ay th a t provided s tru ctu re an d grou nd ing to th e
w hole event. M O found th a t she could to le ra te o n ly m uch s m a lle r doses o f
psychedelics th a n m ost m em bers o f h e r group, and she seem ed to have
m uch m ore extrem e experiences.
I : So had you h ad an experience o f ta k in g too m uch? O r w h ere you h ad

w ished you’d ta k e n less?
R : O h , yeah! O h , wow ! You know? [raises h e r voice, em phatic] I m ean,
since in ou r m ilie u acid v e ry often w as som ething th a t w e used as a
group. You know? I t w as p a rt o f th e jo b th a t w e w ere doing! I t was a
tool th a t w e used to go O u t T h ere. A n d I don’t th in k th a t I re a lly , um ,
le t m e th in k , [pauses] I t w ould n ever have occurred to m e n o t to ta k e it ,
b u t I w as re a lly re a liz in g th a t I should never ta k e a lo t o f th is stu ff! I
h ad a lre a d y h ad experiences w here I was ju s t so blow n aw ay on th e in
p u t, and so exhausted, th a t i t w as q u ite c le a r th a t people w ho gave m e
a lo t w ere v e ry dangerous, and no t to be tru s te d , and w ere no t m y
frien d s. I h ad re a lly understood th a t, [em phatic] I m ean, I am the
person who took 100 m ics and th en struggled fo r 6 w eeks to
re in te g ra te m y s e lf in th e w o rld . I t q u ite lite ra lly , um , to ok m e about 6
w eeks u n til I w as fu n ctio n in g a t a le v e l I w ould describe as re lia b le , o r
anyone else around m e w ould describe as re lia b le . T h e in w a rd g ift side
o f it was th a t I kn ew tw o th ing s a t th a t p o in t. I kn ew th a t th e C reato r
existed , and th a t i t w as possible to do w h a t w as necessary to , um ,
re la te to th a t p ro p erly, m erely by ju s t doing o u r best! [em phatic] . . .
Fm a c tu a lly describ ing a re b irth I w ould suppose. Because I re a lly
d id n ’t, it re a lly knocked th e s tu ffin g o u t o f an y ex p la n a tio n I had about
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how o r w hy a n y th in g happens in th e w o rld ! [em p h atic]. . . T h en I had a
w e ird , I don’t know how w eird it is , [takes a deep b re a th ] I had an
experience, a life experience th a t happened on th e “n a tc h .” [the
n a tu ra l—w ith o u t h a v in g ta k e n any drugs] You know? T h a t w en t on fo r
days, and i t w as th e m ost psychedelic th in g th a t h ad e v e r happened in
m y life ! [em phatic] A n d had I n o t ta k e n psychedelics b efo re, I w ould
h ave been re a lly fre a k e d ! B u t th e re w as a tim e perio d a nu m b er o f
years back w h ere m y experience w as of, “O h, I ’m trip p in g on th e
n a tch !” A nd n o t o n ly th a t, I trip p e d on th e natch fo r a w ee k and a h a lf!
M ayb e tw o w eeks. A n d w h a t I m ean is th a t a ll o f [m y] in fo rm a tio n
levels w ere h ap p en in g a t th e sam e tim e . A nd th is tim e I w asn’t scared
o f it . I was able to be m ore o f an observer inside m yself, an d recognize
it . [em phatic] A n d ju s t k in d o f ta k e in th e in fo rm atio n .
I: W as th a t a "flashback"?
R : I s till th in k th a t i t d id happen n a tu ra lly , I can fin d no o th er
ex p lan atio n , and I don’t know about [pauses] th is loosely used te rm
"flashback", I don’t kn o w th a t I had a flashback. B u t I ’m n o t sure w h at
o th e r people’s d escrip tio n s are. I c e rta in ly did n ’t fla s h b ack in to the
sam e thoughts. I d id n ’t fla sh back in to experiencing th e sam e day. I
d id n ’t flash back in to th e sam e h a llu c in a tio n ! I m ig h t h a ve, um , flashed
b ack in to th e sam e [pauses] progression o f e x p e rie n tia l question and
an sw er in a p a rtic u la r w ay. B u t I fe e l lik e th is fla sh b ack s tu ff is some
k in d o f w eird , loose te rm . Cause i f anyone w ould have [laughs]
experienced th a t, I re a lly w ould have, an d I th in k i t is a bunch o f
hooey! [laughs] U n less you m anaged to sw allow a non-dissolving cap [a
dose o f LS D ] th a t fin a lly dissolved a fte r 20 years or som ething!
[laughs]
I: W e ll now le t m e say fo r th e sake o f th e tap e, le t m e g e t i t clear. W h at
you ju s t said, I do b e lie v e , is th a t you’ve had experiences th a t w ere
s im ila r to experiences th a t you had a fte r you knew you to o k
psychedelics, b u t w h en you knew you hadn’t ta k e n a n y psychedelics?
B u t th ey’re n o t w h a t yo u w ould c a ll flashbacks? O r th e y ’re no t w h at
o th e r people seem to be c a llin g flashbacks?
R : [answ ers q u ick ly] E x a c tly ! E xac tly !
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Psychedelics have som etim es propelled M O in to u n u su al realm s,
fro m w hich it w as d iffic u lt to re tu rn . She has also had these experiences
w ith o u t psychedelics, b u t she does n o t connect these events to w h a t she
has h e ard described as "flashbacks" to psychedelic states. S he describes
some o f h e r struggles to cope w ith th e realizatio n s, recognitions and
c e rta in tie s th a t have become c le a r to h e r in th e years since she firs t used
psychedelic drugs. She feels th a t th e psychedelics have been p o w erfu l
teachers fo r h e r, and th a t th ey continue to teach, even in th e absence o f
ongoing use.
I: I w onder, i f you learn ed a n y th in g from psychedelics, w h a t you th in k

th ey’ve ta u g h t you?
R : [long pause] I believe th a t th e y continue to teach m e. Those strange
little unexplained experiences th a t don’t re a lly p a rtic u la rly frig h te n
you, b u t m ake th e back o f yo u r m in d re a lly curious? I fin d th a t once
you’ve been m ade curious in a p a rtic u la r w ay th a t th e re ’s a piece o f
you th a t carries on th a t cu rio sity- A nd, um , continues th e sam e
question. M y consciousness has th is , th is th in g th a t stores th in g s up
and looks fo r answ ers fo r th e u n id e n tifie d , fo r extrem ely lo n g periods o f
tim e . Lake I w ould say th a t th e little [psychedelic] m ushroom s have
come back and continued to teach m e. I f [you become] engaged in some
k in d o f aw areness w ith th em , th en th a t continues on a su b tle le v e l
throughout yo u r life . A nd th en you go around some co rn er an d it ’s lik e
recognizing a rem em bered dream . “O h, I was ju s t about to do
som ething and th en I woke up. A nd I alw ays re a lly w ondered w h a t
w ould happen if..." T h a t k in d of, um , experience com ing b ack around.
T h ere’s some k in d o f in te rn a l th re a d th a t your consciousness is
fo llo w in g . A nd it isn ’t p a rtic u la rly ju s t because you ever to o k th e
m ushroom s ag ain . You m ig h t not come back to th a t s ta te , b u t i f th ey
are in relatio n sh ip to hum an beings as teachers, th en th e questions
th a t got fo rm u lated , o r m aybe yo u r answ er th a t you got p a rtic u la rly
on th a t day; th e re ’s som ething in your consciousness th a t b rin g s a ll
th a t back around ag ain as a continuum . O r a t le a s t i t does to m e. O r,
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you have an experience th a t doesn’t exp lain its e lf to you fo r a re a lly
long period o f tim e . B u t th en you do re a lly recognize th e answ er w hen
it comes w a lk in g up
I: O h, say som ething about th at?
R : I f you re a lly have a larg e problem th a t experience could ve ry w e ll
h elp you p u t yo u r fin g e r on th e problem . A nd you m ig h t no t solve th e
problem d u rin g th e [psychedelic] experience b u t th e , w h a t happened to
you d u rin g yo ur experience you could m aybe use as a s ta rtin g p o in t for
w h at it is th a t you need to w o rk on.
M O 's n a rra tiv e is a g ra d u a lly progressive one. A fte r h a vin g fe lt
hum bled by h e r psychedelic in sig h ts, she has w orked to develop h e r
p ractical s k ills to m atch h e r understandings, and to avoid allo w in g h e r
insights to get ahead o f h e r p ractice. She describes h e rs e lf as re lu c ta n t to
aggrandize h e rs e lf b y describing h e r w o rk in term s o f its s im ila rity to
tra d itio n a l roles o r to th e practices o f indigenous peoples, despite th e
seem ing w illingn ess o f others to do so. She has g ra d u a lly gained an
increasing sense o f confidence in h e r ow n accom plishm ents.
R : Fve w orked professionally in th e resto ratio n fie ld . A nd I fe e l th a t in

some form or an o th er I w ill continue to do th a t. A t th e present tim e m y
in te re s t is in p lan ts th a t perform th e necessary re s to ra tiv e w o rk on the
p lan et. A nd th e people who a id them ! [laughs] Y es, I do so lid ly regard
m yself as th e in h a b ita n t o f th e [H e r Hom e C reek] w atershed. A nd m y
point o f view is e n tire ly , h o p efu lly, [laughs] w h a t is o f use to th a t
p a rtic u la r w atershed. [ I d id n 't] come up w ith th e id ea o f "rein h a b itin g "
various points on th e p lan e t and m akin g th em pum p w ith energy and
life . I t ’s only because I engaged in doing it th a t I recognized, aO h , yeah.
T h a t was a good descrip tion .” B u t it's only because I d id it
e x p e rie n tia lly . A s fa r as m y a ttitu d e s tow ards "bioregionalism " and
"sham ans," and s tu ff lik e th a t; I th o u g h t th e y w ere p re tty fancy words
fo r W estern people to go around adopting w hen th e y firs t becam e
cu rren t. [A lo t o f th e people w ho have ap p ro p riated those labels] w ere
self-describing them selves in w ays th a t I w ould n ever have had th e
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arrogance to describe m y s e lf a t th a t v e ry young stage o f developm ent
because I ra n in to so m any people from o th er cu ltu res w ho seem ed to
be in touch w ith these kin ds o f tra d itio n s . . . I t fe lt to m e th a t th e ["N ew
Age"] response w as im m a tu re , in th a t m aybe w h a t th e y w ere doing
w as le a d in g them selves dow n some k in d o f p ath w h ere th e y w ould have
a v e ry h a rd tim e . S elf-proclaim ed sham ans have seem ed to m e to be
dangerous people, in th a t, um , sham ans are p a rt o f a com m unity, and
i f th e y can’t tra n s la te th e ir experiences and b rin g i t back to th e people
th e y ’re useless. T h ey don’t deserve th e nam e. I fe e l w ay m ore generous
to w ards th a t cast o f ch aracters a t th is age. . . B u t it ’s o n ly because o f
life passages.
O ccu rrin g a t a tim e w hen she was alrea d y deeply distressed by h e r
aw areness o f th e prospect o f n u clear w a r and global ecological
catastro p h e, M O 's o rig in a l experience o f inter-connectedness w ith th e
D e ity an d w ith a ll life w as s h a tte rin g , causing h e r to question h e r own
capacities and leg itim ac y as a young a d u lt. She jo in ed a su pp ortive and
fle x ib le group w h ere she has m any strong allian ces, and in w h ich she
continued to use psychedelics, hoping to m oderate th e ir effects by
decreasing h e r dosage. In sp ite o f th is , she has had a t le a s t tw o subsequent
experiences o f boundary disso lutio n and d e re a liza tio n th a t w ere confusing
and d is ru p tiv e fo r h e r and those around h er; one a fte r a m oderate dose o f
L S D , an d an o th er in th e absence o f any d ru g use. She has been ab le to
in te g ra te these experiences in a w o rld view th a t holds th em to be po w erfu l
teachers an d tools fo r personal tran sfo rm atio n . She has n o t used an y
psychedelic in several years, and is not c e rta in i f she w ill do so a g a in . She
is 53 years old.
"W a it a m in u te! T h is is m v life?"
M S h ad some o p p o rtu n ities to try m a riju a n a and hashish before
ta k in g L S D , b u t d id n o t enjoy e ith e r o f them . She has h ad a to ta l o f th re e
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experiences w ith L S D , tw o o f w h ich she describes as "extrem ely
unpleasant."
R : I d ra n k a lo t in h ig h school! [em phatic] I drove d ru n k a t n ig h t. T h a t

was lik e w h ile I w as s till in h ig h school. A n d I got ve ry , v e ry d ru n k in
college a few tim es. N o t a few tim es , p rob ab ly a fa ir am ount o f tim es.
A nd depending on m y re la tio n s h ip s , I w ould d rin k i f th e person th a t I
was w ith w as d rin k in g . . . U m , I w as in college fro m 1960 to '6 4 ,. . .
.W e used to have a p a rty every y e a r, w h en I liv e d w ith m y husband-to-
be, before w e w ere m a rrie d , an d i t s ta rte d o u t b ein g alcohol; an d th e n ,
a ll o f a sudden, one y e a r it w a s n 't anym ore an d nobody w as d rin k in g .
Th ey w ere a ll sm oking dope [m a riju a n a ]. I w e n t, "Oh! T h at's
in terestin g ." A nd I guess th a t w as ab ou t in 1963. O r 1962. V e ry e a rly .
A progressive place, [in th e M id w e s t]. So, a t th e fo re fro n t. . . .A n d I
never, ever, ever, e v e r h ave v e ry m uch enjoyed sm oking dope, o r hash
or an yth in g lik e th a t, [e m p h atic]. . . U m , I to o k, th e firs t tim e I took
LS D w as probably 1964. A nd i t w as a huge am o u n t com pared to w h a t
I h ear people did fiv e years la te r. T h e person th a t brou gh t it to m e
came from C a lifo rn ia . H e h ad know n m y husband in h ig h school. A nd
he cam e back to [w h ere w e w ere liv in g in th e M id w est] and said , "You
have to tr y th is!" So, i t w as a b e a u tifu l sp rin g n ig h t and I lis te n e d to
Bob D y la n sin g in g , u m , I c a n 't rem em ber th e nam e o f th e song, b u t, I
w ill. A nyw ay, over an d over a g a in , ab o u t re b irth , or w h atev er i t w as.
A nd la y in g o u t on th e grass an d fe e lin g v e ry m uch a p a rt o f th e
cosmos. A nd ju s t h a v in g a re a lly nice tim e . . . .A nd so, m y experience
w ith L S D w as lik e one re a lly w o n d e rfu l, peaceful trip , th a t I can s till
rem em ber how w o n d e rfu l i t fe lt. A n d th e B eatles w ere g e ttin g fam ous,
and I w as lis te n in g to m usic and la y in g o u t in th e grass, and ju s t
feelin g a t one w ith i t a ll. A n d , um , I h ad th a t [sam e] experience a fte r
being in In d ia also, an d n o t ta k in g an y drugs. W h ere I had done a
[s p iritu a l practice] e v ery d ay fo r a lo ng tim e . A n d th en I cam e back to
[the U S ] and w as fe e lin g v e ry m uch a t one w ith th e un iverse. A n d ve ry
peaceful in m y soul, even though I w as [h avin g a te rrib le tim e in m y
m arriag e]. I t w as lik e , "O h, th a t's som ething d iffe re n t. B u t th is is w h a t
re a l life is." W hich w as v e ry connected, an d fe e lin g ve ry connected and
n a tu ra l, and connected to th e u n iverse. A nd I th in k th a t m y firs t L S D
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trip w as a re a l good one. I t w as "H ey, M is te r Tam bourine M an!" -- th e
Bob D y la n song! [laughs] A nd I p layed i t over and over ag ain , and
every sin g le w ord o f th a t song is tru e ! [laughs] W as tru e . A nd w ill
alw ays be tru e .
I: W hen you w ere ta lk in g about y o u r firs t trip , you said you w ere in a
s tate w h ere you w ere one w ith , I th in k you said you w ere one w ith th e
universe?
R : I guess w h a t I m ean t w as th e connectedness betw een everyth in g .
A nd I t w as ju s t re a lly obvious.
M S h ad o n ly one po sitive experience w ith L S D , w hich she saw as
s im ila r to th e experiences obtained w h en doing re g u la r s p iritu a l practices,
as bo th fille d h e r w ith a sense o f connectedness to th e universe. She has
also had tw o L S D experiences th a t w ere q u ite un pleasant She suggests
th a t th is m ay be re la te d to h avin g been coerced by a m ale p a rtn e r, or to
h a vin g ta k e n too la rg e a dose.
R : I th in k one o f th e problem s I have w ith L S D is th a t it w as huge

doses! [em p hatic] A nd, I m ean, w hen I tw e n ty years la te r w ould see
people ta k in g acid and ju s t being p re tty re g u la r, I'd say, "How can
th a t be?" I t w as, I do n't know w h a t it , m aybe i t w as fiv e hundred [p] o r
som ething, a t a shot in th e old days. A n d , um , ju s t w here you'd re a lly
be h a llu c in a tin g a lo t, and you know , flow ers looked lik e th ey w ere
exploding and things lik e th a t. T h e fir s t tim e it was okay, and th e
o th er tim es it w asn't. A nd th ere w as one tim e w hen I was la y in g in a
bed, th e second tim e , w hen th e o n ly th in g th a t was happening w as th e
tra ffic going by th e on th e s tre et. T h a t w as th e w hole trip ! . . . I'v e on ly
had LS D th re e tim es. A nd tw o o f th e experiences w ere extrem ely
u n p leasan t.
I : R eally?
R : Y eah . A n d , um , I could even g et a flash b ack rig h t now [ju s t ta lk in g
about it]! I w as in g rad u ate school stu d yin g and g e ttin g ve ry good
grades in A bnorm al Psychology . . . So, one o f th e things I had to do
w as to go to a m en tal in s titu tio n . . . and I had had th is bad acid trip
191
w h ere fo r m onths on end, every tim e a siren cam e by I th o u g h t, "O h,
th e y 're com ing to get m e. Cause I'm re a lly nu ts! A n d th e on ly th in g
th a t's keeping m e sane is th e fa c t th a t I'm n o t le ttin g anybody know
th a t I'm re a lly crazy!" A nd one o f th e in m ates in th is m en tal
in s titu tio n . . . said, "O h, are you new here?" A nd I w as sure he was
considering m e a new p a tie n t! A nd th e n , th e re w as a m ovie about
people and schizophrenia and going crazy, . . . an d i t was v e ry scary
fo r m e! [em phatic] I t w as lik e , "O h, th is is w h a t I'm re a lly lik e ! B u t I'm
going to p reten d to be sane." A nd I pretended to be sane. O r, m y
reco llection is th a t I pretended fo r long enough th a t I fin a lly w as okay.
I h ad an o th er trip a fte r th a t, th a t m y husband in sisted on. L ik e th re e
m onths a fte r m y baby w as bora. A nd she w as s ta rtin g to sleep
th ro u g h th e n ig h t, and I had, um , ta k e n m ilk and fro zen it. I took [LS D ]
an d I fe lt v e ry uncom fortable. Because I w as b ein g forced in to it . I t w as
lik e , "You have to do th is now." A n d , um , I w oke h e r up alm ost an ho u r
a fte r I got stoned. I m ean, ju s t m y vibes w oke h e r up . A nd I co uld n't
fig u re out how to give h e r a b o ttle . She had never h a d one in h e r life . .
. A n d , you know , th re e m onths a fte r you have a baby is lik e "G et a
g rip !" I should have kn o w n . A nd a fte r a C esarean, too. So, you know ,
m a jo r su rg ery. [B u t m y husband] w as ju s t re a lly anxious. H e said,
"W e ll, w e have to do th is now." A nd I w as lik e , "O h, okay. T h e little
w ife w ill do w h a t husband says." T h is w as n o t a good th in g . I'm so rry
th a t it w asn 't th e reverse, w here th e good trip w as a t th e end. I th in k it
w o uld have been m ore in flu e n tia l.
M S describes th is u n p leasan t L S D experience as h a vin g been
trig g ered by th e d iffic u ltie s in h e r m a rria g e, h e r sense o f resp o n s ib ility to
h e r in fa n t d au g h ter, and th e hig h doses o f L S D used a t th e tim e . She w as
le ft w ith a g e n erally bad im pression o f LS D 's effects, despite h e r in itia l
p o sitive experience. E ven h e r second L S D experience, w h ich she describes
as q u ite u n eve n tfu l, had u n p leasan t a fte r effects, w h ich she understood and
in te rp re te d in term s o f h e r academ ic background in A b n o rm al Psychology.
192
R : [A fte r] I had ta k e n th e L S D , and re a lize d th a t it w a s n 't, you know ,
okay. A fte r I [cam e dow n] I could fu n ctio n , b u t I h ad h a d a re a lly bad
trip and I d id n 't w a n t to be stoned [any m o re]. T h a t w as th e one th a t
led to , "O kay, every tim e I h e a r a fire en gin e o r a s ire n , I know th a t
th ey're com ing to g e t m e." T h a t state o f m in d , o f m e ju s t h o ld in g it
to g eth er a t th e v e ry verg e o f th in k in g th a t I w as n u ts , [b u t] being able
to go th ro u g h school an d h ave jobs. Th e fir s t jo b I got a fte r I grad uated
from school w as a t [an o rg a n iza tio n stu d yin g m e n ta l illn e s s ] . . . .1 have
ta ken a lo t o f courses ab o u t schizo phren ia an d ab n o rm al psychology,
and s tu ff lik e th a t. So, I w as p re tty m uch aw a re o f th e , yo u know , th e
ed ucatio nal descriptions o f it . A nd I could ju s t p u t m y s e lf rig h t in th a t
state. "O kay, s p lit p e rs o n a lity , you th in k yo u 're n u ts." Y o u know? . . .
I: H ow lo n g did th a t go on for?
R : I t seem ed lik e years! I t re a lly did . [em p hatic] . . . so i t could have
been lik e th re e o r fo u r years th a t I was fe e lin g lik e th is . A n d it w ould
go up and dow n, an d I w o u ld g e t flashbacks fro m it . Y o u kn ow , "O h, m y
God! I t s ta rte d a ll over a g a in . H ere's day one." A nd th e n o th e r tim es it
w ould seem to go aw ay. I ta lk about it now and I la u g h b u t it w asn't
fu nny th e n . I t w as v e ry scary. W h eth er i t w as re a l o r n o t, it w as re a l
in m y b ra in . In m y m in d i t w as p re tty re a l to m e, b u t I w as so scared
th a t it w as a secret. L ik e I , you know , I w o u ld have been te rrifie d to
ta lk to anybody, o r g et counseling or a n y th in g about it , because I fe lt
lik e m y ra tio n a le of, "O h, th e y 're com ing to g e t me" w as so nuts th a t I
was a fra id to te ll anybody how n u ts I th o u g h t I w as. [em p hatic] A nd I
said, "Boy, i f I can ju s t keep th is a secret." [laughs] A n d m y w ay o f
coping w ith i t w as to a c t v e ry n o rm al. . .
M S exp lain s how th e u n p le asa n t sense o f b ein g crazy a fte r h e r LS D
experiences resonated w ith o th e r deep fears. M S n ever to o k L S D again
a fte r these th re e experiences. She has had som e po sitive an d p leasu rab le
experiences on M D A an d M D M A , b u t she describes h e r drug s o f choice as
Q uaaludes an d opium .
R : I'v e alw ays had a te rrib le fe a r, I m ean, since m y a d u lt life , o f losing

m y m ind as an old person, [em phatic] A n d , um , it's m ore fe a rfu l to m e
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th a n being dependent p h ysically. E ven though th a t's a te rrib le fe a r.
So, I th in k th is is , I th in k th a t I have a re a l control problem w here I
re a lly don't w a n t to be stoned. E xcept on som ething lik e a Q u aalu de
w here w h ile you're p re tty stoned, i t n ever w as a bad trip . I n ever fe lt, I
m ean i t w as so m uch fu n th a t I never fe lt o u t o f co ntrol. W hereas, L S D
is m aybe m ore serious o r som ething. O r it affects d iffe re n t p arts o f
yo u r b ra in so th a t som ething else is happening. W hereas Q uaaludes
are supposed to p u t you to sleep o r som ething. It's d e fin ite ly a d iffe re n t
experience.
I: B u t you lik e Q uaaludes?
R : Q uaaludes and opium . I h ad a lo t o f opium w hen w e liv e d in
A m sterdam . A nd I had some w o n d erfu l revelatio n s on Q uaaludes. . .
I: A nd, um , has th is h u rt you in an y w ay th a t you can discern?
R : [heavy sigh] [repeats question so ftly] H as it h u rt me? U m , I th in k
th ere's a p a rt o f m e th a t n ever cam e back from th e bad acid trip s . A n d
I, I reg re t th a t I , I, I k in d o f g e t th e fe e lin g o f w hy th a t happened w as
because somebody w as pu sh ing too h a rd fo r m e to do i t a t th a t specific
tim e . A nd I w asn 't re a lly re a d y .. . .an d now , you know , it's a fe a rfu l
th in g . I'm a fra id , you know . A t a b ig p a rty o r som ething I w o n 't d rin k
som ething from an open co n tain er [fo r fe a r o f being "dosed" w ith L S D ].
I th in k th a t's a reasonable fe a r these days. I th in k th a t some o f m y
experiences w ith M D M A w ere p re tty good ones. Though th e y w e re n 't,
um , psychologically enhancing o r an yth in g . They w ere v e ry q u ie t.
Th ey w ere a c tu a lly v e ry "s till" events, o r trip s w here n o th in g
happened. T h is w as k in d o f n ice. N o th in g w as happening. I th in k it
added, probably enhanced m y life to know th a t th ere's a c tu a lly a place
th a t yo u r m ind could go and be re a lly q u ie t. . . I t used to be th a t I
w ould have a boyfriend fo r a little w h ile and he'd say, "Come on, le t's
ta k e some acid." A nd I th in k I probably d id te ll th em and say "This is
w h y I'm not going to do th is w ith you." A nd it w as an em barrassm ent
fo r m e fo r a w h ile . A nd th e n I re a lize d , "W a it a m in u te! T h is is m y life !
I'm no t going to do th is ag ain to m yself. T h is person is going to [try to]
convince m e. O kay, I 'l l le t h im try ." A nd a t th e la s t m in u te I w ould say
no. . . So, um , I'm n o t em barrassed about it any m ore. . . I d o n 't know
exactly w hy I never enjoyed th a t fe e lin g . O r, it w as n 't v e ry
com fortable. B u t, I im agine i t w as lik e losing control, and being fe a rfu l
19 4
o f n o t h avin g m y m in d .. . . [laughs] W e ll, [pauses] [m y cu rren t
husband] said "Y ou're ju s t w o rried th a t you're going to lose your
id e n tity ." W hich is w h a t happened to m e th en . You know? A nd I re a lly
w as w o rried . I w as w o rried th a t I w as re a lly going to . T h a t somebody
w ould fin d ou t, fo r s ta rte rs , because I w as supposed to be a grad u ate
stu d en t. T h ey d id n 't! I d o n 't th in k anybody ever d id , o r i f th ey did th ey
c e rta in ly d id n 't say a n y th in g . A nd so, th e n I w ent on w ith th e re s t o f
m y life .
Th e effects o f Q uaaludes and opium , M S 's drugs o f choice, have been
described by B au m eister & P la c id i (1 9 8 3 ) as being the opposite o f those o f
L S D , w hich "underm ines one's m en tal defenses and asks one to re-evalu ate
one's w ay o f life "(p . 5 1 ). In s te a d , Q uaaludes an d opium "fa c ilita te one's
defenses by re n d erin g th e m ind unable to d w e ll on an yth in g , especially
one's problem s in life " (p . 5 1 ). M D M A , th e o th e r drug w ith w hich M S has
had p leasan t experiences, has also been described as q u ite d iffe re n t in its
effects fro m L S D , la c k in g th e pow er to produce ego dissolution, and
fo sterin g n o t ecstasy b u t eu p h o ria (L e v e ra n t, 1986)
M S's life experiences a re reflected in h e r co nflictin g assessm ents o f
h e r psychedelic experiences. In th e context o f h e r studies in abnorm al
psychology, M S d efin ed h e r L S D experience as a loss o f personal
boundaries and understood it as m adness. In th e lig h t o f u n derstandings
derived from h e r H in d u and B u d d h ist s p iritu a l practice, she lik en e d it to
an experience o f S a tc h ita n a n d a (consciousness, energy and b liss), an oasis
o f s p iritu a l peace. H e r drugs o f choice suggest a preference fo r a d iffe re n t
experience, one in w h ich "n oth ing happens' and th ere is no loss o f control.
W hen asked to describe h e r life as a w hole, M S id e n tifie s th e use o f
L S D as h a v in g in flu en ced its course in some pragm atic w ays. She dropped
ou t o f g rad u ate school u n d er th e in flu en ce o f h e r spouse's psychedelic
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experiences and in sig h ts, as d is tin c t fro m h e r own. T h is choice foreclosed
some o f h e r options fo r w h a t w ould fo llo w . A fte r years o f liv in g in th e
m om ent ra th e r th an p lan n in g fo r th e fu tu re , she has no t achieved th e
m a te ria l secu rity eiyoyed by o th e r m em bers o f h er fa m ily o f o rig in .
R : I fe e l th a t m y life has been m ostly k in d o f lik e , w hen I th in k back on

it , th a t I was in a dream s ta te . It's lik e I w asn 't re a lly aw ake th en !
[em phatic] T h ere w ere these d ra ft card bu rn in g s, th e re w as P re s id e n t
K ennedy com ing to speak a t m y g rad u atio n , w hich I d id n 't go to . I t
w as so rt o f ju s t a ll ta k e n fo r g ran ted and le t's ju s t stu d y re a lly h a rd
and go p a rty . W e ll, th en I th in k ab ou t te n years la te r an d I th in k ,
"W as I aw ake then?" So, I fe e l lik e p a rt o f m e has alw ays been in a
foggy s ta te , and n o t re a lly th e re . L ik e I w as som ewhere else w h en th is
w as, w hen life w as happening to m e.
I : O h . A nd did th a t s ta rt w hen you to o k L S D , o r d id you fe e l th a t
before then?
R : [long pause] U m , I th in k it s ta rte d as a n a d u lt. N o m a tte r w h e th e r I
had [ta k e n any drugs]. I th in k it w as before th en . . . I th in k th a t i f I
h a d n 't ta k e n any psychedelics I prob ab ly w ould have had a d iffe re n t
life , [em phatic] [pauses] I th in k I w ould have gone back to th e suburbs,
g rad u ated from college, m a rrie d a nice Jew ish boy. . . an d acted ju s t
lik e m y older sis te r. . A n d , um , I th in k th a t it changed m y life . Because
I can rem em ber b eing in [college], w a n tin g to be in su la ted in th e
academ ic life . A nd ju s t doing th a t, an d ju s t h avin g th a t be m y life . I t
seem ed w onderful! I t seem ed lik e a w o n d erfu l id ea. To have m y
husband be a professor an d, you know , liv in g th a t life . A nd n o t h a v in g
to re a lly be in th e re a l w o rld . J u s t be in th e academ ic w o rld w h ere you
ju s t ta lk about philosophy o r psychology o r w h atev er it is . A n d answ er
th e o re tic a l questions, and ta lk th eo ry w ith people. I w as fa scin ate d by
it and I th oug ht I w ould n ever have to re a lly do a n y th in g re a l. I could
ju s t do th a t, w hich is re a l to people th a t are doing it . A nd th e n w e took
th e L S D and it changed everyth in g , [em phatic] F o r bim an d fo r m e.
Y ou know , it was "tune in , drop out." A nd we both re a lly d id rig h t a fte r
th a t. H e said, "O kay, no m ore o f th is ." A nd he d id n 't get h is M a s te rs
e ith e r. H e was closer to it th a n I w as. B u t we stopped, an d since th e n
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he has gone back to la w school and become a la w y e r. I re a lly th in k I
m ig h t have liv e d a m uch s tra ig h te r life i f it h a d n 't been fo r th a t.
I: W ould you have b een h a p p ie r i f you had liv e d a s tra ig h t life ?
R : [answ ers q u ickly] N o . I a c tu a lly w e n t back and trie d it , an d m aybe
you can 't ever go b ack. B u t I a c tu a lly w e n t back and trie d to liv e in th e
suburbs. A nd I h a te d it ! I th o u g h t i t w as re a lly d u ll. So, u m , I'm glad.
Y eah . I th in k yo u r ow n life should a t le a s t be in te re s tin g .
I: U m , are yo u r m a te ria l circum stances changed because o f th at?
R : [pauses] O h, su re. Y e a h . I th in k th a t people w ho re a lly created th e ir
fu tu re out o f th e ir psychedelic experiences, w hich I th in k a lo t o f us d id ,
um , re a lly w ere liv in g fo r th e m om ent. A nd fo r m any years, you know ,
th a t was it. . . The re s u lt o f it is th a t I liv e p re tty m uch paycheck to
paycheck rig h t now . I f I h ad gone th ro u g h academ ia an d g o tten a
M asters o r w h a te v e r, an d been a college professor, le t's say, I w ould
have been m akin g a lo t m ore m oney. . . T h ere w asn 't m uch th o u g h t o f
fu tu re , saving fo r th e fu tu re th e w ay o u r paren ts trie d to do. . .
M S's o n ly p o sitive experience w ith L S D w as v e ry s im ila r in h er
opinion to th e sense o f u n itiv e consciousness th a t she reached by doing
in te n s iv e s p iritu a l p ractices. She describes both o f these experiences as
h a v in g been va lu a b le an d n o u rish in g to h e r personal s ta b ility and s p iritu a l
g ro w th .
R : W hen I cam e b ack fro m In d ia , and m y consciousness h ad changed

ju s t by doing th e cerem ony every d ay and being ve ry co ncentrated fo r
fo rty m inutes a d ay, an d ju s t doing th a t. M y life around m e w as
crashing, an d, um , w e d id n 't have a place to liv e , w e h ad a va n th a t w e
w ere liv in g in o r w e w e re stayin g w ith frien d s. B u t m y consciousness
h ad d e fin ite ly changed, [em phatic] I th o u g h t, "Boy! T h is w ould be nice
to te ll people about, an d share w ith them ." B u t, you know , I do n 't th in k
th ere's an y w ay. I th in k it's ju s t lik e th e y say about, u m , becom ing
realized : th ere's no w a y o f describing it. A nd i f th e re w ere, I th in k
people w ould -- w ith th e ir books and tre a tis e s and descriptions and a ll
th a t k in d o f s tu ff. B u t I d o n 't th ere's re a lly a w ay o f sh a rin g it . I th in k
it's a re a l personal in s ig h t k in d o f th in g , and I th in k it's a m ajo r facto r
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in m y life , even though I do n't have th e outw ard m an ifestatio n s.
T h ere's alw ays th e in w a rd y e a rn in g to change m y consciousness. I
th in k th a t probably m ost everybody has th a t, w h eth er th e y do it w ith
alcohol o r drugs o r an yth in g . So, it's re a lly im p o rta n t to m e. N o t th a t I
m e d ita te everyday, or do a n y th in g every day. B u t, it's , you know ,
d e fin ite ly a pushing force in m y life . I guess i f I had m ore choices, o r I
th o u g h t I had m ore choices th a n m aybe I do, I'd be doing m ore o f th a t.
A nd I th in k th e L S D experience show ing th a t you can be th e re , in th a t
space, is a sig n ifican t force in m y life . In know ing th a t I can g et th e re .
O r know ing th a t th ere's a p o ssib ility. A nd th a t it's a place o f p u re jo y
an d pu re oneness. A nd th a t sounds re a lly corny b u t th a t's re a lly w h a t
it is.
M S 's n a rra tiv e covers several them es and stories. She claim s
b e n e fit from h e r in itia l L S D experience, and she id e n tifie s a d esire to
re tu rn to th e sense o f connection to th e universe and deep peace th a t she
fe lt on L S D as a c e n tra l force in h e r s p iritu a l developm ent. Y e t th e fe a r o f
lo sing co ntrol, o f losing h e r m ind and o f d isorganization o f h e r ego s e lf in
m adness is also a param o unt force in h e r life . F o r a long period fo llo w in g
h e r second and th ird L S D experiences, she w as profoundly frig h te n e d an d
d iso rien ted , fe a rin g th a t she w as becom ing insane.
M u ch o f th e k in d and am ount o f drug use in h e r life , as w e ll as some
o f h e r responses to h e r d ru g experiences, have been closely lin k ed to "[her]
relatio n sh ip s" w ith h e r husbands and lovers. The story o f h e r th re e L S D
experiences began w ith a b en eficia l and positive trip , ta k e n v o lu n ta rily
w ith lo n g -lastin g good effects. A second LS D trip w as u n e v e n tfu l, b u t le ft
lin g e rin g feelin gs o f disassociation. T h e th ird experience, ta k e n a t th e
in sistence o f h e r husband, le ft M S w ith a long stand ing aversion to th e use
o f psychedelics. She describes th e use o f Q uaaludes and opium as
p leasu rab le , p a rtic u la rly in th e context o f use w ith a spouse o r p a rtn e r.
Y ears a fte r h e r L S D experiences, she developed a supportive an d
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protective relatio n sh ip w ith a p a rtn e r who acted as h e r guide fo r positive
experiences w ith M D M A . F in a lly , M S describes th e developm ent o f a sense
o f self-d irectio n and self-resp o n sib ility in re la tio n to psychedelics,
cu lm in atin g w ith h er statem en t th a t she’s no lo n g er em barrassed about
h er unw illin gn ess to ta k e m ore psychedelic drugs.
A no ther them e is h e r social experience o f dropping o u t. B oth she and
h er husband le ft g rad u ate school fo llo w in g th e ir exposure to L S D . They
trav eled in In d ia , g ivin g up m ost o f th e ir m a te ria l s ta b ility , b u t d u rin g th is
tim e M S developed a deeply satisfyin g s p iritu a l p ractice. T h e ir m arriag e
broke up w hen M S's d au g h ter was a pre-schooler. A lth o u g h h e r fo rm er
husband retu rn ed to th e u n iv e rs ity and received a professional degree, M S
was no t able to re tu rn to grad uate school, no r w as she sa tisfied w ith th e
suburban life she had le ft. A fte r "creatin g h e r fu tu re ou t o f h e r psychedelic
experiences," and "liv in g fo r th e m om ent" as a young a d u lt, she finds
h e rs e lf in m iddle age, "liv in g from paycheck to paycheck" ra th e r th an in
th e stab le and protected academ ic en viron m ent o f h e r y o u th fu l fantasies.
She relates th a t "p a rt o f h er has alw ays been in a foggy state" and
th a t she w as "som ewhere else w hen life w as h app enin g to h er." A lthough
she does not c u rre n tly d rin k alcohol or use an y k in d o f drugs, she describes
h er drugs o f choice, both u n ava ilab le to h e r, as "Q uaaludes and opium ."
H e r experiences w ith M D M A , d u rin g w hich "n o th in g happened" w ere, on
th e w hole, pleasant, b u t none o f these experiences brou gh t h e r close to
e ith e r m adness o r to s p iritu a l ecstasy.
H e r n a rra tiv e is regressive on th e m a te ria l p lan e , and g rad u ally
progressive in th e s p iritu a l dim ension,. She has g ra d u a lly learn ed to
m a in ta in h e r own boundaries, and to valu e h e r experiences w ith unusual
states o f consciousness w h ile no t placing h e rs e lf in jeo p ard y from th e ir
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frig h te n in g an d u n p re d ic ta b le aspects. A t age 61 , she has no p lans to ta k e
psychedelics in th e fu tu re .
"A sense o f d o in g good in th e w orld."
N M firs t used L S D w hen she w as a u n iv e rs ity s tu d e n t in an are a o f
southern C a lifo rn ia q u ite n e a r one o f th e m ajo r e a rly sites fo r L S D
research. She h a d a lre a d y h ad an experience o f college life th a t reinforced
h er sense o f b ein g d iffe re n t, previous to h e r use o f LS D .
R : I can on ly say ab ou t m y experience w ith psychedelics. I don’t know

ab ou t o th er people’s, b u t fo r m e i t seem ed as though i t w as th e , th e
experience th a t allo w ed m e to change m y perception o f th e w o rld . In
sh o rt, it w as lik e becom ing en lig h ten ed w ith o u t going th ro u g h decades
o f m ed itatio n ! [em p hatic] I had plann ed on going to U C L A an d jo in in g a
s o ro rity in 19 62. A n d I v is ite d U C L A know ing I w as a little d iffe re n t.
A n d a ll m y frie n d s v is ite d 2 or 3 colleges and th ey a ll R ushed th a t
y e a r. I also w e n t th ro u g h [so ro rity] R ush, b u t I couldn’t stan d it!
[em phatic] I w as so d iffe re n t fro m w h a t I fe lt everyone else w as! I did n ’t
enjoy ta lk in g to th e w om en w ho w ere in th e so ro rity houses. I fe lt lik e I
w as ly in g b y ta lk in g to th em about th e things th a t I fe lt I should be
ta lk in g to th em about. So I dropped o u t [o f Rush] and th e re w asn’t
anyplace fo r m e to liv e a t U C L A So I w en t to [a d iffe re n t school],
w h ere th e re w as e v id e n tly some exp erim en tatio n w ith L S D being done
in th e ch em istry d e p artm en t. A nd some o f th e upper classm en, w hen I
w as a fresh m an liv in g in th e dorm some o f th e ju n io rs an d seniors and
g rad u ate stu d e n ts w ere exp erim en tin g w ith L S D . A n d in 1963 . . . it
w as th is em erg in g sense o f som ething is going on. S om eth ing was
d iffe re n t. A n d L S D had som ething to do w ith it. So I w as v e ry
in trig u e d . T h e fir s t tim e I took L S D w as w ith a w om an w ho had ta k e n
i t once, and she w asn’t stoned. She w as m y guide d u rin g th a t day. A nd
she took m e up on a h ill and w e w atched th e sun go dow n. T h en she
w alked m e b ack in to to w n and i t w as a d e lig h tfu l experience!
[em phatic] . . . I t w as a d aytim e experience. W e clim b ed a h ill, w e sat
on th e h ill an d ju s t la y th e re fo r probably 3 or 4 ho urs. A n d m y sense
w as th a t, u m , th a t th e b a rrie rs betw een m e and C ., w ho w as w ith m e,
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th e b a rrie rs betw een m e and th e m o u n tain , th e b a rrie rs betw een m e
and th e sky, th e b a rrie rs betw een m e and th e sun, w h ich e v e n tu a lly
set, w ere gone! A nd th a t w h a t w as le ft was an es sen tia l so rt o f
connection betw een m e and th e essence o f those th in g s. A t a c e rta in
p o in t a ll those th in g s w en t aw ay too! I w as ju s t so rt o f an essen tial
being, um , a t th e cen ter o f it . . . I re a lly th in k th a t th a t is th e k e rn e l o f
w h a t th e psychedelic experience has m ean t to m e. [em p h atic] Because I
believed it and b elieve i t s till th a t th e re is an essence, an d th a t th e re is
an essen tial connection betw een m e an d a ll th e o th e r th in g s in th e
w o rld . T h a t w e a c tu a lly a re O ne. U m , th a t’s so rt o f w h a t has rem ain ed
w ith m e. I do n 't c a ll upon i t a lo t. I lik e n it a b it to th e experience w hen
I w as to ld th a t I had [a serious blood a ilm e n t]. A nd I m ig h t o n ly have a
c e rta in am ount o f tim e to liv e . . . So w hen th a t happened i t w as a ve ry
strong em otion al circum stance th a t ag ain m ade m e s o rt o f s it b ack and
re a lize th a t th e re w ere re a lly o n ly v e ry few th in g s th a t w ere im p o rta n t
and essen tial, [em phatic] T h a t’s th e closest a n y th in g has come to th e
psychedelic experience, in term s o f how it liv es. A n d b o th those th in g s,
altho ugh it ’s been q u ite a few years since I took L S D , an d th e
experience w ith m y m edical condition occurred in 1980, b u t b o th o f
those th ing s w ax and w ane. In term s o f how close I am to th em . W hen
I ’m m ore spaced out and'S tressed I don’t th in k about th a t a t a ll. I
m ean, it ’s th e fu rth e s t th in g from m y being. B u t th e n th e re a re tim es
w hen I can th in k o f it q u ite easily.
I: Does it have an im p act on w h a t you do in yo u r life?
R : [answ ers qu ickly] A bsolutely! . . . In th e good tim es i t in fo rm s a ll o f
m y thoughts. . . I t gives, it ’s som ething th a t is lik e a h e a rt b e a t and
w hen som ething ou t th e re rem inds m e o f it, it ’s lik e th e “A h , h a !”
experience — th e rem in d e r o f th a t essence. T h a t’s how coincidence feels
som etim es to m e. T h a t’s how m agic occurs, I th in k , alth o u g h I don’t feel
lik e I liv e a p a rtic u la rly , u m , m agic life . B u t th e re a re tim es w h en , I
th in k it happens. I don’t th in k I m ake i t happen. I th in k i t occurs and
I ’m able to perceive it w hen I ’m p a rtic u la rly c le a r, an d n o t fussy in sid e
m y b ra in . . . I th in k th a t, I , I b elieve th a t psychedelics h ave allo w ed m e
to th in k in a d iffe re n t w ay. . . I t ’s as though th e re ’s a "diam ond lan e",
as though th e re ’s a qu ick tra c k to some kin ds o f know ledge o r
com m unication, and it ’s m uch m ore in com m unication issues th a n
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o th ers. I fe e l lik e I can g et to th e essence o f th e m a tte r q u ick ly because
o f going th ro ugh th a t experience w here a ll th e w alls fa ll a p a rt! . . . B u t
I do th in k th a t th e re could be a sense, fo r some people, o f n o t being in
th e w o rld and being te rrifie d ! . . . I th in k i t comes from people w ho have
a basic need to have th e w o rld be w h a t th e y th in k it is. Because th e re ’s
" If not th a t, th e n w h a t M am a?" I f th e w o rld isn ’t w h a t it seem s, th en
m aybe th ey h ave n o th in g upon w hich to be grounded. . . B u t I fe e l as
though m ost o f us, a t a fa irly young age, have e ith e r a need fo r th ing s
to be as th e y a re , w ith no secrets and no surprises, or enough
groundedness to be able to h an d le a t an e a rly age o r even a t an older
age, be able to h an d le: “O h, so th ere’s a se cret in sid e th a t box!” “O h , so
th ere is m ore and m ore to le a rn .” I ju s t th in k th a t, fo r some people—
and I th in k it ’s som ething th a t you le a rn fro m yo u r fa m ily — th a t th ere
are e ith e r frig h te n in g th ing s i f th e w o rld doesn’t stay th e sam e, or
th e re are n o t. [em phatic]
H e r experience o f "essential connectedness" w as a p leasan t su rp rise
fo r N M , w ho w as ab le to as sim ilate a s ig n ific a n t change in h e r w ay o f
view in g th e w o rld w ith o u t becom ing frig h ten ed or losing h e r sense o f
groundedness. T h e re a liz a tio n th a t th ing s m ay n o t alw ays be as th ey seem
has a le rte d h e r to p o ssib ilities fo r b e tte r com m unication, an increase o f
in s ig h t, and a g re a te r ap p reciatio n fo r th e m agic and co -in cid en tal
elem ents in h e r life .
N M has n o t ta k e n psychedelics fo r m an y years. She w orks in a ve ry
secu rity-sen sitive en viro n m en t, and th is lim its th e likelih o o d th a t
psychedelic experiences w ould be disclosed o r discussed in h e r w orkplace,
b u t th ey are a p a rt o f th e h isto ry and background o f u n d erstan d in g th a t
she shares w ith h e r closest frien d s. She does n o t fe a r th e disclosure o f h e r
p ast use o f psychedelics, b u t also does n o t fin d th a t psychedelic
experiences are s a lie n t in h e r contem porary life except in h e r in tim a te
social circle.
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I: Does psychedelic d ru g use come up in conversations fo r you ever?
R : O h, it n ever does, i f I ju s t lis te n to th e w o rld . Because no one ever
ta lk s about it! [em phatic] B u t every once in a w h ile I w ill m ention it .
A nd I fin d th a t I m ention i t m ore o ften la te ly because I ’m less fe a rfu l.
Fm m ore secure in who I am and in m y bona fid es now th a n I w as
before! A nd I have less a sense th a t i t ’s a problem . T h ere’s a k in d o f a,
“A ren ’t you a q u a in t old thing?” about being a ‘60’s h ip p ie now . So I
b rin g it up as m uch fo r th e shock va lu e as a n y th in g else! I m ean, w hy
not! I t ’s a good story!
I: A nd, um , given th a t th ere are prob ab ly several m illio n people o f our
age w a lk in g around w ho have trie d psychedelics, w h y do you th in k it
doesn’t come up in conversation m ore often?
R : I don’t know ! T h e, um , every tim e th a t I ta lk to someone w ho is m y
age and could have had experiences w ith L S D , I fe e l lik e th e [ones] th a t
have u s u ally te ll m e. B u t I also w o rk [in a s e ttin g w here] everyone has
to go th ro ugh a backgrounds check. . . .T h en th e re ’s a w hole o th er
group, [m y husband] 's ftie n d s and th e people th a t I know who a re m y
best frien d s. . . W e ta lk about LS D a lo t. N o t a lo t b u t w henever it
seems a p p ro p ria te .
I: So lik e aside from th e quaintness o f being an old h ip p ie , and th e
w orries o f people who m ig h t lose th e ir jo b i f th ey w ere “outed” fo r th a t
[h isto ry], um , it ’s ju s t so rt o f slipped people’s m inds? Is th a t it?
R : You know , I th in k th a t th ere are an a w fu l lo t o f people who d id do
psychedelics, fo r whom i t didn’t m ean a w hole lo t. W ho took
psychedelics m aybe a little la te r on w hen i t w as m uch m ore a th r ill or
a p a rty gam e th a n it w as a s p iritu a l experience! A nd fo r those people I
th in k it was a b it lik e , um , you know , th e firs t few tim es th ey got d ru n k
or som ething. I m ean, I th in k th a t m aybe i t d id n ’t assum e such
proportions, such a sense o f im portance. . .
She suggests th a t d iffe re n t social situ atio n s o f use, and d iffe re n t
expectations fo r th e experience, in w h ich i t w as constructed as a " th r ill or
a p a rty gam e" m ay account fo r th e lac k o f salience o f psychedelic
experiences in th e liv es o f m any people w ho have ta k e n th em .
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W hen asked to give a g lo b al descrip tio n o f h e r p resent life she says
th a t she has been p a rtic u la rly fo rtu n a te in h avin g found a sa tisfyin g ,
service-o rien ted and prosperous w ay o f a c tu a lizin g h e r values and
in sig h ts, p a rtic u la rly h e r sense o f interconnectedness w ith others.
R : T h e re ’s a sense o f d ed icatio n and it ’s lik e I re a lly got a good d eal! I

have liv e d a ve ry charm ed life ! A n d i t is re a lly w o n d erfu l to be ab le to
share th a t, in some w ays, w ith some people. A nd you know , regardless
o f a ll th e [obstacles] nonetheless th e re are tim es w hen I re a lly fe e l th a t
I can m ake a connection w ith people w ho don’t connect [o th e rw is e ].. . I
hang o u t w ith , and have kn ow n , a lo t o f d iffe re n t kinds o f people in m y
life . . . A n d th ere are tim es th a t I th in k to m yself w ith a degree o f p rid e
th a t I h ave been able to , in m y life I have been able to reconcile m y
need fo r m akin g enough m oney to keep m yself going, w ith a sense o f
doing good in th e w o rld . I do a jo b th a t no one else w ould do. N o t no one
else. Some people w ould do it , b u t n o t a lo t. A nd n o t on ly th a t, b u t I
enjoy it! A nd not only th a t, b u t th e [people] th a t I see and ta k e care o f
say, “W ow !” N o t every d ay. N o t every w eek, even. B u t every once in a
w h ile one o f'e m w ill say, “N o one has ever helped m e w ith th is b efore.” .
. . So I fe e l lik e I can p a t m y s e lf on th e back a little b it, about h a v in g
found som ething th a t I m ake enough m oney a t to liv e a com fortable life
and send m y kids to a good college, an d do som ething fo r o th er people
a t th e sam e tim e. A nd en joy it.
N M 's personal h is to ry is a progressive n a rra tiv e . She has co ntinued
to valu e and be guided by in s ig h ts o b tain ed d u rin g h e r psychedelic
experiences in h e r steady progress to w ard th e developm ent o f a liv elih o o d
th a t supports h e r m a te ria lly as w e ll as allo w in g h e r to m ake a d ifferen ce in
th e w o rld . A t age 55, N M is happ y w ith w h a t she has accom plished in life .
She has no d e fin ite plans to ta k e m ore psychedelics, b u t does n o t exclude
th e p o ssib ility o f fu tu re use.
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"A re a l capacity to love."
O M expresses his m ajo r psychedelic in s ig h t as th e u n iv e rs a lity o f
lo ve, an d th e w ays th a t th a t love can be ac tu a lized in th e fo rm o f p a re n ta l
c a rin g , s e x u a lity , th e affectio n betw een frie n d s , and com m unity service.
T h e e a rly in sig h ts th a t he a ttrib u te s to h is L S D and o th e r psychedelic
experiences have shaped his life . H e is p resen tly em ployed fu ll tim e in a
p u b lic service ro le, as w e ll as b ein g th e founder o f a sm a ll c h a rita b le
fo u n d atio n in service to ch ild ren .
R : W hen I came out here I d id g e t in to a lo t o f [psychedelic] d rug use. . .

, I th in k fo r m e i t was ju s t b a s ic a lly a re a l opening up process fo r m e,
ex p lo rin g who I re a lly w as, an d w h a t k in d o f th in g s w ere re a lly
im p o rta n t to me in life . I can’t p ick a m om ent in tim e . . . W e ll, I can
p ic k one m om ent in tim e , fo r one p a rtic u la r experience. B u t, I th in k , in
g e n eral it probably ju s t happened over a period o f tim e . I t prob ab ly
w as som ew hat affected by th e people th a t I was w ith . . . I th in k i t w as
th e drugs and, you know , th e co m m un ity th a t I w as w ith th a t led to
th is tran sfo rm atio n . You know? O r an opening up experience. You
know?
I : Y ou said th a t th e re w as a p a rtic u la r occasion th a t you recalled?
R : Y es. T h ere w as an occasion th a t I re c a ll up in th e a ttic o f th is k in d
o f com m unal place th a t I w as liv in g in , in th e C ity . . . A nd I ju s t
rem em ber going th ro ugh a v e ry lo ng conversation w ith th is w om an. . .
I rem em ber a t th e end o f th e n ig h t th a t I ju s t experienced th is
o verw helm in g sense o f lo ve~a s o rt o f a cosmic k in d o f love. T h a t th a t
w as re a lly th e answ er. P eriod , [em p h atic] T h a t love is th e answ er. A n d
I em o tio n ally experienced it , and ph ysically experienced it , and
in te lle c tu a lly experienced it , a ll a t th e sam e tim e , [low ers h is voice]
A n d I'l l n ever fo rg et th a t experience, [em phatic] I t has ju s t been one
th a t w as, I th in k , very im p o rta n t fo r m e in a lo t o f d iffe re n t areas. So,
th is w as back in th e sum m er o f n in eteen six ty -e ig h t.
I : Y o u said it ’s been im p o rta n t in a lo t o f d iffe re n t areas?
R : W e ll, I t ’s kin d o f hu ng w ith m e. Fve gone back to th a t experience
an d th e id ea o f love being th e an sw er, o r th e th in g w e a ll should be
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w o rkin g on. I t has come up in m y life since th en . So, ju s t seemed to m e
th a t th a t w as k in d o f th e , th e experience th a t k in d o f got m e started .
O r opened m e up in th a t p a rtic u la r a re a .
I : A nd how does th a t show up in yo u r life?
R : [pauses] T h a t’s a good question. U m , [pauses] I love m yself. I l l s ta rt
o u t w ith th a t. A n d , um , I ju s t th in k I have a re a l capacity to love. A nd
i t ju s t shows up in term s o f m y jo b . I love m y w ork! I m ean, it shows up
in th a t area . I love th e people th a t Fm around, m y daug hter, um , so I
th in k it ju s t k in d o f perm eates m y life , in a sense.
I : Fd lik e to ask you i f you have a p a rtic u la r are a th a t you feel th a t
psychedelics h ad a n effect in?
R : U m , [pauses] w e ll, I th in k , in term s o f experiencing jo y [although]
Fve h ad o th er experiences. Som etim es w h a t w as k in d o f h a rd fo r m e
w as g e ttin g p re tty h ig h and no t b ein g a t hom e, o r not being in a
fa m ilia r place. K in d of, so rt o f s lip p in g in and o u t o f re a lity . B eing w ith
lots o f people, m an y o r m ost o f w hom w ere to ta l strangers. A nd sort o f
fe e lin g lik e I w as re a lly o u t th e re . . . [B u t] I ju s t have had so m any
p o sitive, jo y fu l, h app y, lau g h in g kin d s o f experiences. T h is is th e
g en eral experience th a t I had w ith [psychedelic] drugs. U m , so I th in k
it k in d of, m aybe opened m e up to experiencin g m ore jo y in m y life , and
la u g h te r and those sorts o f th in g s. I f I can ju s t te ll a little story?
Is Y eah!
R : U m , I cam e o u t h ere to go to school. I had flu n ked out o f graduate
school a t th e U n iv e rs ity [in th e M id w est] in an M B A program . U m , it
w as alw ays k in d o f hang ing over m y head th is sense th a t I had fa ile d ..
. So, I b a sic ally cam e o u t to S an Francisco to fin is h school, to get m y
M asters degree, so I ap plied to [a lo cal college], I had an a u n t th a t
liv e d o u t h ere. I re a lly didn’t know w h a t I w an ted to do, b u t som ething
in sid e m e said to come to C a lifo rn ia , th a t’s re a lly w here I should be. So,
I d id th a t. A nd one o f th e th ing s I re a lly w an ted to do w hen I got out
here w as sm oke m a riju a n a . T h a t w as a focus fo r m e, as w e ll as going
to school. So, I cam e o u t h ere, m oved in w ith a couple o f guys in th e
F illm o re [a B lack neighborhood in S an Francisco], not know ing w h at
th e F illm o re w as. A nd th ey w ere bo th sm okers. So, every evening
th e re w ould be several people over and w e’d be sm oking m ariju a n a. I
sm oked i t fo r prob ab ly a w eek and n o th in g happened to m e. A nd I
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w ould see these people s ittin g around sm oking, and a ll o f a sudden
th ey’d be o ff in a corner suddenly going s ile n t, lis te n in g to m usic. A nd
I ’m s ittin g in th e m idd le o f th e room saying w h a t’s going on here?
N o th in g is happening to m e! A re th ey fa k in g it? Is th is a re a l
experience? A nd I ended up h a vin g to le a rn how to ro ll m y ow n jo in ts ,
and i t took m e a w eek. A n d I th in k p a rt o f i t I a ttrib u te d to th e fa c t
th a t I d id n ’t sm oke cig arettes. So, I re a lly d id n ’t know how to sm oke.
A n d , um , th en th e re w as th is m em orable experience probably a w eek,
a w eek and a h a lf la te r. U m , w h ere suddenly I w as stoned! A nd I ju s t
re a lize d i t as I w as ta lk in g to th is person and I w asn’t h e a rin g th e
w ords th e y w ere saying. T h a t I ju s t fe lt lik e , i t ju s t a ll o f a sudden it
d id n ’t come on slow ly. I t w as lik e ru n n in g in to a b ric k w a ll. T h en a ll o f
a sudden I w as ju s t to ta lly gone, [pauses] So I can rem em ber th e firs t
tim e I got h ig h fro m m a riju a n a [pauses] and I can rem em ber occasions
w hen I took psychedelic drugs th a t w ould be w ith in th is period o f tim e
also, fo r m e. A n y w ay I h ad s ta rte d going to [business] school an d I
ju s t re a lize d th a t you know , "This is not w h a t I w a n t to be doing." and
T m n o t a business typ e person and th is is n o t th e en viro n m en t fo r m e."
A n d I re a lly c re d it m y d ru g experiences fo r h e lp in g m e m ake th is
decision. I also [id e n tify ] th is decision as th e firs t re a l decision th a t I
m ade in m y life as a n a d u lt, [em phatic] P rio r to th a t I had alw ays
m ade decisions based on w h a t I thought m y p aren ts w an ted m e to do,
o r teachers and o th er a u th o ritie s in m y life w an ted m e to do. A n d th is
w as th e firs t, lik e I said , th is w as th e firs t tim e I fe lt lik e th a t I h ad
m ade an im p o rta n t in d ep en d en t decision fo r m yself. A nd I rem em ber
w hen I q u it [business school], I fe lt to ta lly elated ! I m ean, I w as ju s t
fly in g h ig h e r th a n a k ite . I w en t to a pay phone on cam pus, and called
m y m o th er to te ll h e r I had q u it school. H e r firs t com m ent w as, “A re
you on drugs?” W hich w as an in te re s tin g com m ent! . . . I ’m n o t q u ite
sure w h a t I to ld h e r a t th e tim e , b u t she’s a psychologist and i t w as an
in te re s tin g com m ent fo r h e r to m ake to m e.
I : T h is w as in n in eteen sixty-eig h t?
R : T h is w as in th e sum m er of, w e ll, th e sp rin g o f n in eteen s ix ty -e ig h t.
E a rly sp rin g . So, I re a lly , you know , in term s o f g e ttin g back to h a v in g
k in d o f a p o sitive experience, I m ean, th is w as one o f th e v e ry e a rly ,
v e ry po sitive experiences th a t I can re a lly lo o k to w ard . U m , an d m y
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w hole life changed as a re s u lt o f th a t experience, [em phatic] T h a t I
ended up g e ttin g in to m ore social change kin ds o f a c tiv itie s . A nd m y
w hole c a re e r since th en , th e la s t th irty -o n e years has evolved aro u n d
th e n o n -p ro fit w o rld and h e lp in g people and doing th in g s along those
lin e s . So, I th in k , had I n o t come o u t h e re , had I n o t experienced
psychedelic drugs and th e people th a t w ere h e re , th is m ay n ever h a ve
happened to m e. So I look upon th is as a v e ry p o sitive k in d o f
experience. . .
O M experienced a m ajo r b re a k w ith previous th e life p a th he h ad
been fo llo w in g a t th e tim e th a t h e firs t began to use psychedelics, and h e
can c le a rly id e n tify th e effect o f h is change o f tra je c to ry in his
contem porary life . D espite th e d ra m a tic decision th a t h e describes, th e
im p act o f th e changes th a t began w ith h is e a rly psychedelic experiences
was g ra d u a l, ra th e r th a n com plete and im m e d ia te , and in vo lved m any
aspects o f h is life in ad d itio n to h is decision to drop o u t o f th e M B A
program . O ne im p o rta n t change w as th e serendipito us alig n m en t th a t
occurred betw een h im and h is A fric a n -A m e ric a n room m ate. T h is
frien d sh ip w as a new experience fo r h im , as h e w as raise d in th e re la tiv e ly
segregated so cial en viro n m en t. These tw o frie n d s w ere m o tivated by th e ir
visions to seek to co n trib u te to th e co m m un ity. T h ey succeeded in
developing areas in w h ich th e y could do service to g eth er.
R : O ne o f th e in te re s tin g th in g s fo r m e w as th a t w h en I d id come o u t
h ere, u m , one o f m y room m ates w as B lac k. A nd I h ad n o t re a lly
experienced B lac k people. I grew up b a s ic a lly in th e S outh, in V irg in ia
going to segregated schools fo r th e m ost p a rt. I w e n t to a little lib e ra l
a rts college in O hio th a t w as k in d o f econom ically segregated, so th e re
w e re n 't m an y m in o rity people th e re . T h e n I cam e o u t h ere and ended
up h a v in g a B lac k person [K .] as a room m ate. A n d a fte r I q u it school. .
. I h ad a v e ry d iffic u lt tim e . M y w hole life had been in volved e ith e r w ith
school o r w o rk , o r some so rt o f a focus. S om ething to do. A fte r I q u it
school I re a lly had n o th in g to do. A n d I w e n t th ro u g h some depression.
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N o t th e re a l b lastin g , you know , o r fo r any long periods o f tim e b u t
k in d o f going through these periods o f th in k in g, "Am I crazy? Is th ere
som ething re a lly w rong w ith me?” A nd th is was p a rt of, I th in k , th e
d ru g experience, too. T h a t I re a lly didn’t know w here I belonged. I
d id n ’t know w h a t to do. Looking back a t it, it w as a ve ry im p o rta n t
p erio d o f tim e fo r m e to be in th a t place. . . And so, K . and I ended up
h a n g in g o u t to gether as tw o people. A nd re a lly got to know each o th er
v e ry , v e ry w e ll. W e’d ju s t g et up in th e m orning, w a lk around th e C ity
a ll day long and k in d o f ta lk to each o th er. U m , and we re a lly fe ll in
love w ith each o ther, and fe lt re a lly connected. A nd p a rt o f ou r
experience as a re s u lt o f th a t w as th a t w e, and w e fe lt lik e w e could do
som ething, th a t w e re a lly h ad som ething going on betw een us th a t w as
re a lly good. . . B u t, I fe lt lik e I re a lly didn’t have a re a l focus in m y life .
I ju s t w asn’t used to b ein g in th is so rt o f lim bo a re a . A nd it took a
p erio d o f tim e . I ’m a c tu a lly fe e lin g a little high ju s t ta lk in g . Fm so rt o f
g e ttin g back to being in th a t p a rtic u la r space. So I th in k it w as k in d o f
a stru g g le fo r m e. T h a t I got tu rn e d on, I realized w h a t I w as doing
w as n o t ap p ro p riate, you kn o w , was n o t w h at I should be doing. B u t I
h ad no id ea w h at I should be doing, and it was k in d o f a period o f
try in g to fin d th a t. A t a tim e th e re w as a w hole B lac k s e p a ra tis t
m ovem ent going on w ith th e B lack P anthers. So th a t w h at [K an d I]
w ere doing w as a little b it d iffe re n t th a n w h at w as a c tu a lly going on in
S an Francisco. A nd p a rt o f w h a t happened to us w as th a t w e decided
th a t w e had a special connection betw een the tw o o f us, and th a t w e
re a lly w an ted to w ork to g eth er. So, w e started looking fo r a jo b , w e
s ta rte d lo okin g fo r w o rk th a t w ould h ire us to gether as a team . A nd
th a t m ade it very d iffic u lt. K . ju s t had a high school education, I had a
college education. W ho’s going to h ire [th a t team ]? A nyw ay, th e only
re a l jo b p o ssib ility we had w as w o rkin g a t some so rt o f a day cam p out
on B rotherhood W ay th a t w as in terested in h irin g th e tw o o f us. W e ll,
th e re w as a program being developed called th e In vo lvem en t C orps.
T h a t w as s ta rte d out G lid e C hu rch, and a group o f people dow n on th e
P en in su la. So, K . and I w ere v e ry m uch involved w ith G lid e C hu rch.
A n d K . and I decided th is looked lik e a good op p o rtu n ity fo r us. A nd
th e In vo lvem en t Corps w as so rt o f lik e a n o n -p ro fit V is ta program . The
id e a w as th a t th ey w ere going to h ire com m unity people fo r w h a t th ey
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called th e “core program ,” and w e w ould stay in th e com m unity, or fin d
a com m unity to w o rk in and do projects. A nd th en su p p o rtin g us w ould
be a group o f b asically m idd le class people, who w ould be w h a t th ey
called our "task force." Each one o f us w ould have a ta s k force and w e
w ere to try and involve th a t ta s k force in th e w o rk th a t w e w ere doing.
A t the sam e tim e th e ta sk force people w ould m ake a te n o r fifte e n
d o lla r a m onth co ntrib utio n, an d w e w ould get a stipend ou t o f th a t. . .
.W e ll, K . and I became th e tw o fir s t Corps people th a t w ere h ire d . W e
w ere ready to go. W e w ere ju s t s ta rtin g ou t. W e w ere in th e F illm o re ,
w e w ere going to do some projects in th e F illm o re . W e w ere w o rkin g on
a little tu to ria l program on M . S tre e t, tu to rin g kid s in th e F illm o re . A
group o f us got together and decided w e w ould try and b u ild a little
tu to ria l center fo r th e kids fo r th e sum m er. W e got a free basem ent to
w o rk out o f on M . S treet, So th a t w as re a lly th e on ly project w e had
going. Through th e In vo lvem en t Corps w e w ere e v e n tu a lly introduced
to someone a t [a local rad io s ta tio n ]. A nd it w as suggested th a t we go
downtown and ta lk to th is guy ab ou t w h a t w e w an ted to do. H e took a
lik in g to th e tw o o f us, so w e ended up on his show everyday, and he
w ould ta lk about us. 'W h a t’s h ap p en in g w ith O . and K.?" W e w ould c a ll
in each day and k in d o f ta lk ab ou t w h a t we w ere doing. W here w e w ere
a t. A little b it about w h at w e w an ted to do. N o t re a lly kn ow in g th e
valu e o f w h a t th e radio could do fo r us. W h a t ended up happ enin g was
th a t we re a lly w ere able to g et a n y th in g we w an ted over th e a ir!
[em phatic] So, i f we w ere hooked up w ith a project and w e needed
som ething physical, we’d c a ll in an d [th is D J] w ould say, “T h e y need
equipm ent fo r [this project o r th a t pro ject]” A nd w e’d p u t o u r num ber
on th e a ir and someone w ould c a ll us w ith th e equipm ent. A nd w e’d
fig u re o u t how to get it from M a rin C ounty over to th e F ree C lin ic , or
th a t kin d o f th in g . W e did th is fo r about a year and a h a lf o r so. W e
w ere able to support a num ber o f projects th a t w e w ere both involved
in . A nd a t th e same tim e, people s ta rte d askin g us to come to th e
R o tary C lub , and so on, w h ich w as ve ry strange. S ta rte d to ask us to
come to th e ir luncheons. K . w as a fa irly m ilita n t B lac k person and
u su ally these K iw an is C lubs an d R o ta ry C lubs w ould s ta rt o u t w ith a
pledge o f allegiance or som ething lik e th a t. A nd K . w ould n o t ris e , so
w e both sat d u rin g th is cerem ony. A nd as a re s u lt, th e w hole m eetin g
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th e n focused on w h y d id n ’t these tw o guys stand up? W h a t a re you
doing? A nd a ll th is k in d o f stu ff. B u t, I guess p a rt o f m y p o in t w as,
going back a lit tle b it to th is ta s k force th a t w e h ad , w hich w as
b a sic ally W h ite , m id d le class people, g e n erally from th e suburbs. I had
a ta s k force in P alo A lto , I th in k . I don’t even rem em ber w h ere K .’s
ta s k force w as. S o rt o f th e w hole focus o f m y life , o r p a rt o f th e focus o f
m y life a t th a t p a rtic u la r tim e w as try in g to fig u re o u t how to tu rn
people on. To b a s ic a lly s ta rt s h iftin g in th e ir own liv e s , som ehow m ake
th e connections th a t I h ad m ade. U m , in term s o f e ith e r doing
som ething, you kn o w , b a sic ally doing som ething w here th e y w ere,
w ith in th e ir ow n corporations o r businesses th ey w orked in . O r, w ith
th e ir own fa m ilie s to so rt o f try to sen sitize them . Y ou know? H ow does
a person go th ro u g h th e experience th a t I w e n t th ro ugh [on
psychedelics]? A n d I th o u g h t, “B oy, i f I could fin d th e answ er to th is!
T h is w ould be a re a l accom plishm ent!” A nd I don’t th in k I ever xeally
d id fin d th e an sw er. B u t, I rem em ber w e struggled a t these ta s k force
m eetings, ju s t try in g to te ll people b a sically, you know , “You d o n 't need
to come in to th e F illm o re and w o rk w ith us on th is p roject. B u t, you
re a lly need to go b ack and connect w ith th e people w here you a re .” A nd
these w ere a lo t o f people involved in S ilico n V a lle y , back in th e la te
six tie s. So, it w as th a t k in d o f a th in g , and. . . m y d ru g experiences
w ere in volved in th a t. . . I rem em ber, you know , becom ing tu rn e d on as
a re s u lt o f th e people and th e d ru g experiences, and th en try in g to use
th a t w ith o th er people w ho w ere in a m uch d iffe re n t k in d o f s itu a tio n .
O M associates h is experiences o f th e u n iv e rs a lity o f love and th e
im portance o f lo vin g connectedness to an id e a l o f service to o th ers,
g ra d u a lly and n a tu ra lly unfolded in his life and w ork. W h a t he describes
as m uch m ore d iffic u lt fo r h im , despite a h ig h le v e l o f com m itm ent and
in te re s t on both sides, w as th e com m unication o f th e id e a l o f lo vin g
connectedness to o th ers an d fin d in g a w ay to h e lp others a c tu a lize th is
id e a l w ith in th e e x is tin g social system . O M describes h is e a rly com m unity
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w o rk and h is in te ra c tio n w ith a group o f p ro ject donors, w hom O M an d h is
team m ate K . encouraged to "tu rn on" to com m unity service.
R : A n d , um , and I th in k once th e In vo lv em en t Corps th in g s ta rte d ,

once th e re was some so rt o f a b it o f s tru c tu re and th e ra d io show
s ta rte d , th e n th in g s ju s t s ta rte d h ap p en in g . A nd I w o uld s till k in d o f
qu estion , Fd go th ro u g h little periods o f tim e , th is was m aybe several
years la te r w h ere I ’d s ta rt to question m yself. “W e ll, I re a lly have no
career. Should I be h a vin g a career?” I t ’s ta k e n , it took m e pro b ab ly a
nu m b er o f years to re a lly get v e ry com fortable w ith th is k in d o f w hole
new w ay o f lo o kin g a t life . A w hole new w ay o f using m y energy and
m y tim e , th a t so rt o f th in g . Cause it w as ju s t so d iffe re n t I fe lt lik e I
h ad gone th ro ugh some s o rt o f a change w h ere I re a lize d w h a t w as
im p o rta n t. A nd I w as in some sense as kin g [the ta s k force] to do
som ething th a t I w asn’t doing. I t w as askin g th em b a s ic a lly to s ta y
w here th e y w ere an d k in d o f w o rk w ith in th e com m unit y and th e
fram ew o rk th a t th e y had. [W h ile] I h a d dropped ou t o f th a t and I w as
w o rkin g w ith people th a t h ad also dropped out. So, it w asn’t lik e I w as
w o rkin g fo r a corporation and try in g to change th a t. I w as b a s ic a lly
try in g to develop a lte rn a tiv e s to corporations and th e h e a lth care
system s, and a ll th e o th er th in g s th a t w ere going on. So, som etim es I
th in k th a t I was askin g th em to do som ething th a t I w asn’t doing
m yself. T h a t m ay have been ju s t too d iffic u lt. So, I did stru g g le [w ith ]
th e id e a o f h avin g th em so rt o f s tay w h ere th ey w ere, an d som ehow tr y
to g et tu rn e d on and try to w o rk w ith in th e ir system o r th e ir
corporation to try to m ake some changes w ith in .
I : W h a t do you m ean tu rn e d on?
R : U m , to m e it w as ju s t seeing th e w o rld th ro ugh d iffe re n t eyes. O r
th ro u g h d iffe re n t experiences.
I : C an you say more?
R : U m , [pauses] w e ll, I m ean, I th in k th e basis is love. A n d ju s t h e lp in g
o th er people, b asic ally . J u s t doing good w o rk!
I : Do you th in k yo ur psychedelic use has in fluenced [you in th is]?
R : U m , yeah. I th in k it ju s t, it opened m e up to h earin g an d lis te n in g .
A nd discovering. S e lf discovery. I th in k I w as ju s t open to th a t, an d
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w a n tin g th a t versus bein g k in d o f closed o ff to th a t. A nd no t allo w in g
m yse lf to experience it .
O M no lo nger uses an y drugs a t a ll, nor does he d rin k alcohol. H e
has no plans fo r fu tu re use o f psychedelics, b u t cannot exclude the
p o ssib ility th a t he m ig h t use ag ain in c e rta in circum stances. H is life story
is a progressive n a rra tiv e o f ongoing self-discovery, an d a career in p u b lic
service th a t has continued to sa tisfy h im th ro ugh ou t h is life
R : I th in k m y life fo r th e la s t th irty -o n e years has w orked re a lly w e ll! I

w ould say g e n erally I ’m re a lly a v e ry blessed hum an being, [em phatic]
A nd th ere are some th in g s th a t I w ould have done d iffe re n tly , b u t in
g en eral, I have a c tu a lly no com plaints. I love m y life ! I love m y w o rk! I
love th e d irectio n th a t I ’m going in life . I f I w ere to d ie tom orrow I
w ould be to ta lly happ y. I know I lik e m y jo b because every m orning I
w ake up and I have n e ver, and Fve had th is jo b fo r tw en ty-tw o years,
I ’ve never w oken up and said “I don’t w a n t to go to w o rk today.” So,
th a t te lls m e th a t I ’m in th e rig h t place doing th e rig h t th in g . T h a t i f I
w ere to d ie tom orrow I w ould fe e l very content. I ’m no t looking fo rw ard
to re tire m e n t. I don’t know re a lly w h a t th a t m eans fo r m e. B u t th ere
are o th er e x citin g id eas and p o ssib ilities fo r th e fu tu re . Fm a very
contented person.
A t age 58 , O M has succeeded in developing his own life as a m atu re
person in th e im age o f w h a t he recom m ended to his o ld er support group
w hen he w as h im s e lf a young a d u lt. H e has found a w ay to do w ork th a t
m akes sense in th e com m unity, w h ich supports h im , w hich he loves, and
w hich he welcom es th e o p p o rtu n ity to go to every day.

"The h egin n in g o f tran sfo rm a tion ”
T Q is one o f th e research subjects who p a rtic ip a te d in th e w o rk o f
D r. O scar Ja n ig er, w ith w hom he h ad his firs t LS D experience in th e
1950's. A lth oug h he w as n ever a social drop o u t, TQ has m ade profound
changes in h is personal life and h is career tra je c to ry th a t he a ttrib u te s to
213
th e in flu en ce o f h is psychedelic experiences. H e ended h is fir s t m arria g e,
m oved abroad a fte r le a v in g h is m edical p rac tice , changed h is sp ecialty
from fa m ily p ractice to p s ych iatry, and continued to explore th e realm s o f
th e m ind th roughout h is career. In his n a rra tiv e , he offers an ap p rais al o f
th e usefulness o f psychedelics as an actfunct to th e ra p y , both as a
p sych iatris t and as an experienced user.
I: H ow old w ere you w hen you firs t to o k LSD?

R: U h , w e ll, I was try in g to th in k o f th a t. I t w as in n in eteen fifty -fiv e . I
w as bo ra in tw en ty-six. So I m ust h ave been, w a it, u h , th irty one. . .
M y w ife w as a p a tie n t o f O zzie [D r. O scar J a n ig e r]. A nd I k in d o f knew
him as a colleague, and a t some p o in t h e asked th ro u g h h e r i f I w ould
be a subject because he needed N o rm als [as exp erim en tal subjects],
[laughs] A nd I said, “O h, it ’s fo r science. W e ll, sure!” I m ean, I w as ju s t
a k in d of, I had no id ea, [laughs] “W h a t is it? ” I said. “O h , i t ’s a
substance th a t is rep o rted to m ake people schizophrenic.’’ W e ll,
[laughs] I h a rd ly knew w h a t schizophrenia w as in those days, so I
decided th a t i f it ’s fo r science it m ust be a ll rig h t. So, I d id it . [laughs]
So, one day I w en t up th e re .
I: To his office?
R : Y eah. A nd th ere re a lly w as ve ry little [said] about it . I d id n ’t s it
down and do questionnaires. I m ean, i t ’s no t lik e th ey do these days
w ith protocols and a ll th a t. I ju s t w e n t, and he w as k in d o f busy w ith
p a tien ts, b u t in betw een he showed m e. H e asked m e i f I w an ted to be
in th is room , or i f I w ould ra th e r be in th e back. A nd so I said , “O h, no.
Td ra th e r be o u t th ere in th e back.” A n d I w e n t and s a t on his back
step. A nd in fro n t o f m e w as th is huge tree! A nd th a t’s w h ere th is
experience took place. H e gave m e th e tin y p ills . I d is tin c tly rem em ber
th e blue and [laughs] I th in k th e y m ay have had an “S“ on th em .
I: Th e re a l thing? [Sandoz LS D : D elysid ]
R : I k in d o f rem em ber th a t. O h, yes. [laughs] A nd I th in k I had about,
i f I rem em ber, tw o hu n d red m icrogram s, m aybe. Y eah . So, since it was
a science exp erim en t I h ad a pad and a pen cil, and I w as to record m y
observations. W e ll, th a t w as, I don’t know i f it w as h is id e a o r m ine,
214
b u t I th o u g h t th a t was th e proper th in g to do. A n d so I s ta rte d to do
th a t, b u t e v ery tim e I w ould have p erc ep tu al, u m , changes and
d isto rtio n s . A t firs t, w h a t people describe as u n d u la tin g and a ll o f th a t,
and colors, an d reveries, and so I w o uld be w ritin g a ll th is dow n. A nd
c a re fu lly . A n d as tim e w en t on th e notes go t less an d less and less. A nd
th en la te r, w h en I looked a t th e tim e w hen i t w as a t its h e ig h t, i t ju s t
says " B e a u tifu l.” O r som ething lik e th a t, [laug hs] "G lorious” O r
som ething, an d th a t’s it . [laughs] M y sc ien tific notes! F o r th a t
experience, [laug hs] So, um , I guess I ’m sayin g I d id n ’t re a lly hold on to
th e m ission, [laughs] So th e experience its e lf, u h , I saw in a paper,
[some] ta lk ab o u t peak experiences. I don’t th in k th a t describes it a t
a ll! [em p h atic] A nd la te r I read A ldous H u x le y ’s D oors o f P ercep tio n,
and, as w o n d e rfu l a w rite r as he is , th a t doesn’t describe i t a t a ll!
[em phatic] In fa c t, I don’t th in k I ’ve ever seen a n y th in g describe n e a rly
th e experience! U m , so, i t was h e lp fu l to have th is tre e , because th e
tre e becam e a k in d o f a focus. A m etap h o r fo r th e m ean in g o f th is . A nd
a t one p o in t, I am sure I knew th e m ean in g o f e v eryth in g ! [em phatic] I
m ean, i t w as w h a t th e y c a ll “W h ite L ig h t” experience. A nd th e n la te r,
try in g to d is till th a t dow n or to describe it , um , has been re a lly , I
m ean, im possible! H ow ever, to m e, it , u m , fo r one th in g I b elieved I
understood th e m eaning o f th e w ord love, w hich is used a lo t. . . I had
never h a d v e ry m uch experience w ith love before. T h a t’s w hy I th in k it
affected m y m a rria g e . Because w h a t I h ad th o u g h t w as love w as not
n e a rly , i t d id n ’t , uh , come up to th is . I t sim p ly w asn’t, um , th e rig h t
[laughs] f it , so to speak. So, it ’s re a lly h a rd to , I m ean , you know it ’s
q u ite im possible to describe th is . Y ou have to lo ok a t in d iv id u a l
contexts. W h ere did somebody come from ? A nd th e n w h a t, in term s o f
th a t, does th is m ean to him ? So, in m y experience, u h , Fd had some
p re tty severe m a te rn a l d e p riv a tio n . M y m o th er h a v in g been, w as
schizophrenic th ro u g h o u t m ost o f m y childhood. So, u h , and p re tty
m uch u n a v a ila b le to m e. H a llu c in a tin g and w ith d ra w n , an d q u ite
uncom m unicative. . . So, I didn’t know m uch ab ou t m a te rn a l lo ve
except fro m th e m ovies. I m ean, th e re w ere, o f course, m ovies about
fa m ilie s , [laughs] I k in d o f got th e id e a th a t ours w as n o t a ty p ic a l
fa m ily . W e w e n t th ro u g h th e econom ic depression, w h ich ju s t clobbered
w hole m asses o f fa m ilie s . . . A nd som ehow I fe e l lik e I su rvived by
215
b eing k in d o f to ugh . To ug her. T h a t’s w h y I th in k I could leave [m y firs t
w ife ]. Once I h ad fig u re d o u t I h ad to do it , th a t th is w asn’t th e rig h t
d irectio n fo r m y life , I ju s t could do it . . . So w h a t did th e L S D do? I t
stopped m y w o rld ! [em p h atic] . . . A nd th a t, to m e, is c le a rly w h a t it
d id . So, I w as no lo n g er in th e ro u tin e m ode o f liv in g . I w as stan d in g
outside o f it . . . A n d in a w ay, I b elieve i t w as th e beginning o f w h a t you
m ig h t c a ll tra n s fo rm a tio n . So, how ever, a t th e tim e I d id n ’t know th a t.
A nd it took m any years fo r th a t process to , u h , to proceed. In o th e r
w ords, th e re a fte r I c e rta in ly w as seeing th in g s d iffe re n tly . I th in k it
also deepened m y s p iritu a l connection, in th e so rt o f God sense, to a
huge exten t. T h e fe e lin g o f connection w ith som ething else, g re a te r
th a n one’s self. T h e o rd er o f th e u n iverse. So, th e w hole process w as
s ta rted a t about th a t p o in t. B efore th a t I w as q u ite n aive. I w as q u ite ,
um , tro u b led , I th in k , in th e sense o f th in k in g th a t w o rkin g v e ry h a rd .
. . w as a ll I needed to do in life . I w as re a lly no t a proper husband o r a
fa th e r. O r ab le to do those th in g s. I had no good id ea o f a la rg e r, um ,
w o rld or un iverse o u t th e re . So, th a t a ll to o k place in [th e L S D trip ].
T h a t was th e beg in n in g . Since th a t tim e I th in k I ’ve been k in d o f
d igesting th e w hole th in g ! [em p hatic] T ry in g to m ake some k in d o f
sense o f it . A n d I fe e l I ’ve lea rn ed considerably. A lth o u g h , o f course, I
fe e l often I have o n ly scratched th e surface. A fte r I cam e back dow n, so
to speak, I rem em bered, b u t w h a t I had know n I no longer knew !
[laughs] I m ean, I could n o t stay th e re , except in some depth o f m yse lf
th e re w as some ho ld on som ething th a t h ad happened. . . So, th is w as a
re -b irth experience! [em p hatic] A n illu m in a tio n . N ow , Fm sure th e re
are people who becom e casualties o f th a t. I m ean, I see th em a ll th e
tim e in m y w o rk , w h ich is to say th e p sych iatric casualties o r p a tie n ts .
So, um , it ’s n o t fo r everybody. F m p re tty su re. . .
I : N ow d id you go back and have o th er L S D experiences a fte r th a t firs t
one?
R : Y eah , I had a chance to use it subsequently. A nd each tim e I w ould
le a rn som ething a little d iffe re n t. Fm try in g to rem em ber. Fve used it
perhaps th re e o r fo u r tim es . B u t, I don’t crave it. I m ean, I don’t look
fo r i t to do it. In fa c t, a t th is p o in t in m y life Fm very cautious ab o u t it.
Cause I, you kn ow , Fm n o t sure w h a t effect th a t w ould have exactly.
216
T Q c le a rly a rtic u la te d h is experiences o f a s p iritu a l connection to
som ething g re a te r th a n oneself, and refe rs to love as a d efin in g hum an
experience, th e n a tu re o f w hich he understood w ith th e help o f
psychedelics. H e discusses his need as a th e ra p is t to perceive th e p a tie n t
in th e context o f h is o r h e r h isto ry an d circum stances, and relates how
access to these dim ensions has been fa c ilita te d by psychedelics. TQ
describes a sense o f com pletion in h is personal process o f aw akening to love
and connectedness, and expresses p leasu re th a t th e subject o f psychedelic
drugs is once ag ain b eing discussed, h a v in g disappeared form view fo r so
long.
R : I believe w ith these experiences, selective use o f these drugs a t

vario u s tim es w ith th e rig h t person, w ith th e rig h t m a tu rity , w ith th e
rig h t previous experiences and so fo rth , um , [th a t I] have come to some
p o in t o f co ntentm en t. T h a t I k in d o f grasped or understand w h at love
m eans. A nd th a t’s w hy I ’d lik e to continue to w o rk w ith people. Even
though Fm so rt o f p ast th e age o f re tire m e n t. I ju s t love to do th a t. A nd
th e re ’s an o th er concept th a t’s been v e ry , um , g u id in g to m e. . . And
th a t is concerning th e s p irit, fo llo w in g th e s p irit. F o r exam ple, th is
in te rv ie w is a g re a t su rp rise to m e because it comes, it refers to an e ra
th a t I th o u g h t, w as e n tire ly personal, and nobody w ould have any
in te re s t in it . I m ean, as a cu rio sity, som etim es I te ll people, p atien ts,
too, who you know , ask m e i f Fve h ad an y experience w ith L S D . A nd J
ju s t te ll th em , “O h, yeah. W ay back before i t w as ille g a l.” H is to ric a lly ,
ju s t as a m a tte r o f in te re s t. B u t, h ere I am , a subject o f some in te re s t
to somebody! K in d o f s ta rtlin g to m e! So th e s p irit is behind th is . H as
m oved us to th is p o in t. In some m ysterious w ay th a t I don’t q u ite
u n d erstan d , [laughs] A nd I don’t know w hy exactly, b u t Fm delighted
to have a chance to th in k about th a t, [em phatic] I don’t know w h at it ’s
going to m ean fo r m y life . Fm n o t su re. You know? W h at is th e s p irit
saying here? You know w h a t Fm saying?. . .
I : You know , as a researcher and esp ecially as an in te rv ie w e r,
alth o u g h I th in k I do know w h a t you m ean w hen you say w a itin g fo r a
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m essage fro m th e s p irit, o r it ’s in te re s tin g to conceptualize w h a t th e
s p irit m ig h t be d ire c tin g h ere, b u t a prop er th in g fo r m e to do is to ask
you to elab o rate on th a t a little b it? In w ords, as m uch as you’re ab le,
so th a t i t appears as d a ta . As opposed to b e in g an u n d erstan d in g
betw een us?
R : O k a y . W e ll, it appears th a t, u h , th ere a re coincidences th a t occur,
th a t h ave pow er. I f you allo w them in , i f you open yo u rself up some
th in g s occur w hich ju s t c lic k and seem rig h t. A nd th en you say, “O h,
yeah .” L ik e th a t. . . . In fa c t, th a t was one o f th e th in g s th a t L S D d id
fo r m e! O ne o f th e th in g s it did fo r m e as a p s y c h ia tris t w as th is , th e re
are tim es w hen Fm "on," w hen I can ju s t be w ith somebody. N o t h e a r
ve ry m uch o f th e ir sto ry, b u t I w ill somehow know w here th ey cam e
fro m . W h a t I m ean is generations and generation s and generations
back I k in d o f know w h a t th e ir ancestors experienced. A nd w here
th ey’re fro m . Som etim es. As w e ll as ju s t th e in tu itiv e being w ith
som ebody. Y ou know? W h ich is an im p o rta n t p a rt o f th e p s y c h ia tris t’s
a rm a m e n ta riu m .
As a p s y c h ia tris t, T Q believes th e psychedelics to be im p o rta n t tools
fo r th e ex p lo ra tio n o f th e m in d , b u t ones th a t need ca re fu l supervision and
guidance fo r safe and b e n e fic ia l use. H e recognizes th e opposition and
resistance to th e ir use. W h ile he does no t en vision th e ir re tu rn to th e statu s
o f leg al an d le g itim a te m ain stream th erap y, he does n o t b elieve th a t law s
bann ing psychedelics w ill p rev en t th e ir use.
R : In itia lly a fte r th e fir s t experience I w as so en th u siastic, you kn ow , I

w an ted to devote m y life to th is . P ursu in g it , and w h a t it m eans an d a ll
th a t, h e lp in g others w ith it. B u t, so I a c tu a lly m ade efforts to , you
know , fin d o u t about i t an d try to become a research er so to speak. O r
one o f Sandoz’s people an d a ll th a t. Fm no t su re w h y th a t w as th a t I
was so en th u siastic ab o u t it. B u t th a t k in d o f w ore o ff a fte r a w h ile .
I: W ere you successful in doing th at?
R : [answ ers quickly] N o . N o, th ey w ere, by th a t tim e [Sandoz] d id n ’t
w a n t to have an yth in g to do w ith it! I m ean, I took it in about fifty fiv e
o r so, I th in k . F ifty fiv e , I th in k . A nd by, w ith in a couple o f years th e y
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w ere, Sandoz ju s t d id n ’t w a n t to be associated w ith it an y m ore.
Because i t w as so p o w erfu l an d co n tro versial, an d so fo rth .
I: W h at d id you th in k about th a t controversy w hen it cam e up?
R : U m , w e ll, I d id n ’t give it m uch th o u g h t. I m ean , I w as q u ite
surprised th a t th e people w ere n o t seeing i t as a to o l. T h a t fo r exam ple,
a p s y c h ia tris t ad m in istered it as p a rt o f th e psych oth erap y process. I t
can re a lly m ake some huge d ifferen ce, I th in k , a t c e rta in p o ints. W hen
used th a t w ay , c a re fu lly , I th o u g h t it w as a stupendous k in d o f
m a te ria l! [em p h atic] So I w as so rt o f su rp rised , an d , I co ntinue to feel
th a t w ay ab ou t it . Fm sad th a t it ’s banned e n tire ly th a t w ay. O n th e
other hand seeing fo u rteen , fifte e n , o r eig h teen y e a r old k id s who’ve
had tw o h u n d red trip s , you kn ow , th a t’s k in d o f rid ic u lo u s. A nd very
dangerous in m y m in d . So, Fm n o t in fa v o r o f everybody ta k in g LS D ,
eith er! [em phatic] [lau g h s]. I th in k th a t, used in a v e ry c a re fu l w ay it
was c e rta in ly in v a lu a b le and a v e ry fo rtu ito u s th in g . I th in k i t had a
m ajor im p act in m oving th e n in e te e n s ix ty e ra along. In th a t w hole
area, i f you ju s t lo o k a t th e a rt, fo r exam ple, th e so-called psychedelic
a rt and so fo rth , an d th e id eals, an d th e sense o f oneness th a t people
w ere ad vocating, an d I th in k th a t w hole m ovem ent w as based on th e
LS D experience. A n d w e’ll n ever be th e sam e fo r it , in s p ite o f the
attem pts to m ake i t ille g a l.
I: Do you en visio n th a t th e o p p o rtu n ity to use psychedelics
th e ra p e u tic a lly m ay re-em erge?
R : W e ll, [h eavy sig h , pauses] I have no id ea. I re a lly h ave no id ea
because it ’s so p o litic a l. I t has n o th in g to do w ith goodness, o r i f th is is
sc ie n tific a lly v a lid o r u sefu l m edically? I t has n o th in g to do w ith any o f
th a t! [em p h atic] O bviously, because c le a rly th ese voices have not been
heard, th e voices o f people. A n d in stead th e D E A an d th e p o litician s
po in t to T im o th y L e a ry as a kook. A nd even R am D ass has k in d o f
tu rn ed h is back on th a t, and so fo rth . Y ou know ? B u t, w ith o u t givin g
cred it, rig h t? I m ean , w hen you th in k how h e, he doesn’t d erid e it b u t
he ve ry c le a rly claim s h e’s go tten p a st it . B u t, I h e ard gossip or
rum ors th a t h e continues to in d u lg e p e rio d ic a lly . So, I don’t p u t m uch
credence in th a t. B u t, w hen h e, b u t he’s re a lly try in g to g ive th e
message o u t th a t, “O h , yes. T h e w ay to go is beyond th e drugs and in to
re lig io n .” Y ou know ? H e ’s in to a re lig io s ity . A nd I w o uld agree th a t
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th a t’s w o n d e rfu l, b u t I th in k th e re are ju s t points a t w hich you can
change e v e ry th in g . A nd th a t fin d in g those points and th en h avin g
someone guide you p ast th a t, o r th ro ugh th a t, w h eth er it ’s a
p s y c h ia tris t o r anybody w ho’s m atu re enough to do th a t, o r who th e
s p irit sends, I don’t know , [laughs] I t is a g rea t blessing and a m ira c le .
I: G iven th a t th a t is tru e w h y a re those voices not being h eard now?
R : W e ll, it ’s a ll p o litic a l. I don’t know . A frie n d asked m e do I th in k
th ere’s a d e v il o u t there? A nd e v il in a form o f an e x te rn a l force? H e
asked m e an d a t firs t I said, “O h, no. N o. I t ’s a ll w ith in people.” A nd
th en I w o u ld th in k about it and Fd say, “Y ou know I th in k he’s rig h t. I
th in k th e re ’s a c tu a lly e v il o u t th e re .” [laughs] A nd th en o th er tim es I
th in k it , and o th e r tim es I don’t th in k it. B u t th e point is , I guess,
m aybe th e re is an e v il force ou t th e re th a t doesn’t w a n t th is to happen.
In th e sense of, i f you’re going to look a t it as a Ju ng ian, th e D a rk S ide,
th a t doesn’t w a n t th is en lig h ten m en t, th is tran sfo rm atio n to be so
w id ely a v a ila b le . I don’t know . I m ean, th a t’s th e tro u b le w ith ta lk in g
to Ju n g ian people th a t you get these ve ry m ystical ideas. B u t, i t feels
rig h t to m e! [laughs]
I: S hould w e be doing som ething?
R : S hould w e be doing som ething? I don’t know . I m ean, th e th in g is in
its e lf so m iracu lo u s and w ondrous, and in some ways a v a ila b le , th a t I
don’t th in k it ’s going to exactly stop. I th in k it w ill go underground and
th en be a v a ila b le to a c e rta in num ber o f people fo r an a w fu l long tim e .
TQ ' im pression th a t th e use o f psychedelics continues is correct.
T h a t th ey a re used, o ften in com bination w ith o ther psychoactive
substances, fo r p leasu re and a novel experience, is common know ledge. B y
reducing th e dose to ju s t above th e th resho ld w here effects are firs t fe lt, by
choosing a s tim u lu s -ric h en viro n m en t in w hich to trip , and by su rro u n d in g
oneself w ith frie n d s , toys and p leas an t sensations, th e u n p red ictab le a b ility
o f th e psychedelics to trig g e r strong and uncontrollable experiences can be
m inim ized .
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M uch less an ite m o f common know ledge is th e existence o f an
underground stream o f se lf-e xp lo ratio n , s p iritu a l p ractice and
psychotherapy w here th e less p la y fu l experiences m ay be sought th ro ugh
th e use o f psychedelics. U nknow n by m ost people, and seem ingly unseen by
th e a u th o ritie s , th e process o f ex p lo ra tio n continues. G uided, stru ctu red
use o f psychedelics, em ploying techniques d raw n from both sham anic
h e a lin g and W estern psychotherapy has q u ie tly continued under th e
supervision o f a few courageous and p io n eerin g psychotherapists and
counselors (M arsden, 1999; StolarofF, 1997). N o a tte m p t to explore a t firs t
hand th e contem porary use o f psychedelics fo r th erap y and tran sfo rm atio n
has been m ade in th is study. The la s t n a rra tiv e presented h ere, how ever,
is th a t o f one o f these pioneers, an in d iv id u a l who has devoted years to self
developm ent using psychedelics, and to h elp in g others to achieve personal
in s ig h t and tran sfo rm atio n th ro ugh th e th o u g h tfu l and stru ctu red use o f
these sacred m edicines.
"The s p iritu a l connection."
M y in te rv ie w w ith M A was th e fin a l one com pleted fo r th is study,
and one o f th e few th a t w as not conducted face-to-face. M A is a ffiliated w ith
a s p iritu a l school based in South A m erica th a t teaches a com prehensive
program o f m en tal, physical, psychic and s p iritu a l developm ent th ro u g h
m em bership in a close and com plex n etw o rk. M A also tra in e d as a
psychotherapist w ith some o f th e founders o f th e G e s ta lt m ovem ent, and
encountered psychedelics fo r th e fir s t tim e in th e context o f psychotherapy.
M A 's n a rra tiv e begins w ith a b io g rap h ical sto ry about childhood, and
some e a rly influences:
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R : I grew up in k in d o f a m ixed fa m ily . . . A nd, um , th e s p iritu a l p a rt o f
th a t, [pauses] is a deep re lig io u s , deep s p iritu a l connection, b u t n o t a
relig io u s connection. M u ch m ore in to s p irits th a n in to church, k in d o f
th in g . . . So I h ad th a t s p iritu a l background. M y m other w as v e ry
m uch in to p la n ts and th e e a rth , and s p irits . P la n t s p irits an d so fo rth ,
an d so on. I h ad th a t k in d o f u p b rin g in g . . . M y uncle owned a
m o rtu a ry , and a fte r school Fd go p la y hide-and-go-seek a t th e
m o rtu a ry b eh in d th e caskets w ith m y little cousins, and so fo rth and so
on. So s p irits an d d e ath an d a ll o f th a t has alw ays been aro u n d m e.
A n d so psychedelics m ade i t ju s t, th a t firs t trip w as lik e , "Y eah! T h is
a ll comes to g eth er!” . . . A n d th e n I d id n ’t m ention th a t th e w h ole tim e
[th a t I w as stu d yin g psychology] Fd been p a rt o f [a s p iritu a l school.]
I: D o you lik e th a t te rm , th e w o rd psychedelic?
Bs Yes.
I: So w h a t w ould be yo u r fir s t choice as to w h at to c a ll them ?
R : S acram en ts o r psychedelics.
I: A nd w h a t m o tiv ate d you w h en you firs t started to use them ?
R : [A t th a t tim e ] I w as p a rt o f a n in -service tr a in in g group fo r C ounty
S ocial S ervices. A nd i t w as th e tim e w hen [encounter groups w ere
p o p u la r], an d I contacted E s a le n a t th a t tim e to ask them to come and
w o rk w ith m y s ta ff. A n d th e person th ey sent w as [a w ell-kn o w n
psychedelic research er] [laughs]
I: [laughs]
R : A n d h is c o -fa c ilita to r got sic k th a t day. And w e m et fo r lu n ch and he
s a id , "O kay, it ’s th e tw o o f us.” I t w as tim e fo r th e encounter w eekend,
on a F rid a y n ig h t. A n d I got to ta lly tu rn ed on to G e s ta lt d u rin g th a t
w eekend b eing h is c o -fa c ilita to r. A nd by th e end o f th e w eekend I was
ta lk in g to h im about e n te rin g th e G e s ta lt tra in in g program . W h ich I
d id . A nd tra in e d w ith [th e o rig in a to rs o f G e s ta lt th e ra p y ]. A t th e end o f
th e firs t y e a r it w as tim e fo r m e to s ta rt to take on clien ts. A n d th ey
re fe rre d m e to a g en tlem an in B e rk e le y who had office space. A n d w hen
I m e t th a t guy I kn ew th e re w as som ething else going on besides office
space! Because I w as re fe rre d fro m [a frie n d ], he thought th a t I knew
w h a t w as going on! A n d in v ite d m e to spend th e w eekend w ith h im a t
[h is re tre a t ce n te r]. So th a t w as m y firs t in tro d u ctio n to psychedelics.
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I : So you w en t to one o f these group w eekends w ith o u t a n y p rio r
experience o f an y o f th is?
R : Yes. The only one th a t an y one knows of! [laughs]
I : H ow w as th at?
R : I t was w onderful! I fe lt th a t I had a rriv e d hom e. M y fir s t experience
w as w ith yage, acid an d m ushroom s. A co cktail. A nd it fe lt so "a t
hom e" to m e! [em phatic] I t ’s lik e I found m y s e lf a ve ry , v e ry a lte re d
s tate fo r sure, b u t i t fe lt v e ry deep in sid e o f m e. [em p hatic] T h a t w as
m y firs t contact w ith psychedelics.
I : D id you have an y expectations?
R : I had, w e ll, th e w h o le, th e tu rn -o n from G e s ta lt tra in in g b u t I h a d n 't
gotten in th e groove. I h ad done [o th er professional] w o rk, I h ad gone to
college, yeah, yeah, yeah , yeah , yeah. B u t I h ad never fe lt th a t I h ad
found m y groove. M y place. [G estalt] t r a in in g sta rte d th a t process fo r
m e. A nd th en m eetin g [th is p a rtic u la r th e ra p is t] w as a n o th e r p a rt o f
th a t process. A nd going to [th e re tre a t] w as, “U h , huh! T h is is w h ere I
belong! T h is is m y fie ld !”
I: D id you continue to go a fte r th a t firs t experience?
R : O h, yes. I did.
I: So w h a t was th a t lik e going th e re m aybe even a couple o f tim es a
m onth fo r th a t long period o f tim e?
R : W hen I w as aw ay fro m th e re I w as w o rkin g . B u t going th e re w as
com ing home! [em phatic] A n d , um , I often rem em ber how a lo t o f tim es,
I don’t even rem em ber people’s la s t nam es [fro m those groups], b u t I
know th em so deeply in sid e o f m e! A nd it w as lik e going to a san ctu ary,
[em phatic] V e ry safe, v e ry , um , n ever had a bad trip . J u s t enjoyed
being th ere and going deep in sid e o f m e. A nd being w ith o th e r people
th a t w ere doing s im ila r w o rk.
I : W h a t do you rem em ber about yo u r psychedelic experiences?
R : W h a t do I rem em ber m ostly about them ? [pauses] U m , th e s p iritu a l
connections. R ea lly kn o w in g th a t h u m a n ity is O ne S p irit, [em p h atic]
A nd one experience I h ad o f re a lly seeing an d know ing th a t th e re isn ’t
an y fu tu re o r any p ast, it ’s a ll now . A nd depending upon w h e re , um ,
o u r m ind is , w e th in k it ’s som ething in th e fu tu re , som ething in th e
p ast. B u t, b u t ev ery th in g is happening rig h t now . A ll o f it! [em p h atic]
A nd th a t’s one o f th e tilin g s , th a t, and an experience o f fe e lin g m y soul
22 3
sep arate fro m m y body an d going on a m ountain top. A nd opening up
to th e sun, an d being nourished b y th e sun. A nd ju s t k in d o f d rin k in g in
th a t n o u rish m en t. A nd th e n , re a lly cryin g. A nd [th e th e ra p is t] asked
m e "W hat's going on?” A n d I said , " I don’t w an t to come back, I don’t
w a n t to go back down th e m o u n tain !” A nd it was a ve ry c le a r m essage.
"Y ou r w o rk is on th e e a rth . I t is n ’t up in th e m ountains m e d ita tin g .”
[laughs] A n d w hen m y soul sep arated from m y body, and m y body
a c tu a lly m elted and covered th e cru st o f th e e a rth , along w ith , as fa r
as I could see, [South A m erican w om en]. A nd we becam e th e crust o f
th e e a rth , and generations o f people w alked on us, and w ere nourished
w ith o u t re a lly re a liz in g w h ere th e ir nourishm ent w as com ing from .
A nd I ’ve alw ays rem em bered th a t! A nd w hen I ’m , you kn ow , tire d or
d ish earten ed I ju s t th in k o f th a t visio n , and o f being p a rt o f th e
u n iverse. A n d being ab le to go to th e sun and opening up an d being fed.
I: H av e th e re been changes in y o u r life as a re s u lt o f these
experiences?
R : U h , [pauses] th a t’s a h a rd question to answ er. U m , it ’s lik e m y life
changes co n tin u ally! [laughs]
I: [laughs]
R : I have no id ea as to w h a t m y life w ould have been w ith o u t it!
[em phatic] I, you know , I couldn’t even im agine! I t ’s lik e n o t h avin g
food, I guess! I c e rta in ly fe e l I w as rip e fo r it! [laughs] I fe e l th a t
psychedelics are a tool. I t isn ’t, you know , a c u re -a ll. I t ’s one o f the
tools, and it ’s a tool th a t w orks w e ll fo r m e.
I: A n d do you w o rk as a th e ra p is t now?
R : N o , I don’t. I w ork as a counselor and basically, th e people th a t I see
in counseling are people th a t [have] w orked w ith psychedelics.
I : D o you th in k your psychedelic experiences have had an y effect on
yo u r em o tio n al w ell-being?
R : [answ ers q u ickly] D e fin ite ly !
I : C an you say in w h at w ay?
R : I th in k psychedelics have h elp ed m e re a lly develop a w itness
sep arate fro m m yself, o r, you kn o w , separate from th e b ig "I" th a t I am
p re tty m uch aw are o f a ll th e tim e . Y ou know? No m a tte r how I reac t to
som ething th e re ’s a w itn ess th e re th a t is objective. I t isn ’t sayin g 'Y o u
shouldn’t have", or 'Y o u should have." B u t m ore o f "Isn ’t th a t
224
in terestin g ? T h a t’s an in terest." As to w h ere you a re , and how you’re
responding to w h atever th a t is . B as ically th a t th ere’s no good, u h , no
[heavy sigh] good gr bad. N o good or bad, th e re ’s ju s t process, an d you
going down th e road. D epending upon w h a t m y valu e ju d g m en t o f
som ething is , I sav it ’s good or i t ’s bad. B u t in re a lity it isn ’t. I t ’s ju s t
p a rt o f m y process. A nd th e w itness helps m e see th a t. H elps m e no
m a tte r how I ’m actin g or reac tin g , as it ’s saying aO h, th is is
in te re s tin g .”
I: So to w h a t ex ten t did th e psychedelic drugs th a t you have used
change yo u r goals or your values?
R : U m , [pauses] th a t’s a h ard one to answ er too! U m , because I don’t, I
w ouldn’t say th a t th ey changed th em . I ’ve grow n. Fm so d iffe re n t th a n
I w as [w hen I firs t took psychedelics] A nd I th in k going through w h ere
I was [then] provided m e th e basis o f w here I am now. Change? Fve
grow n o ld er and w iser, [laughs]
I: U m , hum . U m , have psychedelics, um , or th e experiences th a t you’ve
had w ith psychedelics ever suggested to you th a t th ey had a s p iritu a l
dim ension o r connotation?
R : D e fin ite ly ! [em phatic] Y eah.
I: A nd can you say a little som ething about th at?
R : U m , [pauses] m any tim es w ith psychedelics I'v e had th e, um , th e
know ing, n o t even th e th in k in g b u t th e know ing th a t we a ll are one
s p irit. A nd th a t h u m an ity is tru ly one s p irit, [em phatic] A nd th a t, u m ,
m ore and m ore now w orking w ith [some o f th e tra d itio n a l South
A m erican psychedelic p lan ts], Fm v e ry aw are o f th e s p iritu a l
connection to a ll liv in g things. T h e trees, th e p lan ts, th e e a rth , th e
an im als. A nd som etim es Fm ab le to , q u ite o ften w ith ayahuasca, ab le
to re a lly tu n e in to s p iritu a lity o f a p la n t. A nd even w ith o u t a
psychedelic, i f I go in to someone’s house and a p la n t needs to be
w atered it ’s lik e I can’t [laughs] s e ttle dow n u n til Fve had th a t w a te r
fo r th a t p la n t! I ’ll ju s t say, "Excuse m e, m in d i f I p u t some w a te r on
yo ur plant? I t ’s ca llin g m e!” [laughs]
I: [laughs] A side from being sensitive to th e language o f a p la n t th a t
needs h elp and so on, how does th a t express its e lf in your life?
R : O h, as an aw areness. As an aw areness o f m y environm ent.
225
I: A n d can you id e n tify an y p a rtic u la r w ay in w h ich th a t inform s your
actions?
R : [pauses] U h , le t’s see, som etim es I fe e l v e ry protected by m y
en viro n m en t in th a t w ay. A n d , um , som etim es I fe e l v e ry th reaten ed
by it in th e sam e w ay. T h a t i f I ’m doing som ething, o r i f Fm in a
s itu a tio n th a t’s to xic I fe e l jitte r y in sid e . I t ’s lik e I , th e , um , p lan ts,
ev eryth in g around m e feels, um , it rem in d s m e to b reath e! [laughs] You
know ? I ju s t fe e l lik e , "O kay, w e a ll need to ta k e a deep b re a th .” A nd
th e o n ly th in g I, th e o n ly person I can be to ta lly responsible fo r is
m yself. So pay a tte n tio n , ground y o u rs e lf, be aw are o f w here you a re,
calm dow n, th a t k in d o f th in g . A nd th e re a re o th er tim es th a t Fm in
situ atio n s w h ere I ju s t fe e l to ta lly n o u rish ed and protected by th e
en viro n m en t.
I: U m , hum . H av e th ese experiences th a t come from these m edicines
affected yo ur a ttitu d e to w ard death?
R : Fm sure th e y h ave. T h e reason th ese a re h a rd questions to answ er
is th is has been so lo n g w ith m e I can h a rd ly rem em ber w hen I w as
d iffe re n t! [em phatic] [laug hs] D o you u n d erstan d w h a t I mean?
I: Y es, I do. [pause] H a v e you ever h ad a spontaneous experience th a t
rem in d ed you o f a psychedelic experience?
R : [answ ers q u ickly] Y es.
I: C an you say som ething about th at?
R : T h ere have been tim e s , p a rtic u la rly w ith in th e la s t, um , Fd say 5 or
6 years. I ’l l d ream , h ave a dream th a t w o uld rem in d m e, and w hen I
w ake up I don’t know i f th a t w as a d ream o r i f Fve, [pause] I have to
th in k , "D id I ta k e a psychedelic?”
I: (laughs]
R : [laughs] So th a t k in d o f th in g has happened. U m , som etim es in
conversation som ething w ill come up th a t I w ill have a d eja vu about.
A nd lin k it back to a psychedelic, p a rtic u la rly yag6 o r ayahuasca [a
m ix tu re o f several psychoactive p lan ts th a t is used in relig ious rite s ].
As i f 1'd seen o r h e a rd th is conversation before.
I: U m , hum . A nd th is is som ething th a t happens in yo u r w akin g life?
R : [answ ers q u ickly] Y es. Y es. [em phatic] In counseling w ith people,
p a rtic u la rly people th a t have w orked w ith psychedelics .1 can re c a ll
th e ir p ast experiences th a t th e y ’ve h ad w ith m e v e ry e a s ily , [em phatic]
22 6
I t ju s t comes to m y m in d . A nd it ’s lik e , "W asn’t y o u r goal 2 years ago
th is an d th is and this?” T h a t k in d o f th in g .
I: Fm v e ry in te re s te d in how people come to have expectations o f w h a t
w ould happen to th em w h en th ey took psychedelics.
R : I re a lly fe e l i t ’s v e ry im p o rta n t th a t people h ave a , um , d irec tio n .
S om ething th ey’re lo o kin g fo r. O r a question ,. A n d be as cle ar as
possible as to w h a t th e ir in te n tio n is. A nd I w ill spend q u ite a b it o f
tim e h e lp in g people, u m , c la rify th a t. N o t m ake i t vague, in an y w ay.
To h elp them to , no t to d ir e c t th e ir experience, b u t h e lp th em to be fu lly
p resen t and responsible fo r th e ir experience. So as m uch as possible I
tr y to stay b eh in d th em on th e ir trip , not in fro n t o f them ! A nd no t
g u id in g them b u t su p p o rtin g them . A nd te ll th em to stay behin d th e
m edicine, [laughs] So, u m , it ’s lik e th e 3 o f us going down th e road
together! [laughs]
I: [laughs]
R : [laughs] A n d , um , you know , som etim es people ru n in to detours and
k in d o f w hen you fin d y o u rs e lf on a detou r, note it . Be aw are o f w here
you a re . A nd as soon as you can come back to th e m a in road ag ain .
A nd rem em ber w h a t y o u r in te n tio n is. [em p hatic]
I: D id you y o u rs e lf get a n y guidance about how to trip ? O r w h a t to do?
O r w h a t to expect?
R : U m , [heavy sigh] Fm su re I did from [the person who firs t gave m e a
psychedelic]. T h a t you alw ays get th e trip th a t you need, no t
necessarily th e one you w a n t.
I: [laughs]
R : U h , and he’d spend q u ite a b it o f tim e h e lp in g yo u , u h , id e n tify w h at
you w ere lo o kin g fo r. W h a t yo u r in te n tio n is , in te n tio n s w ere. A n d th en
kn ow in g th a t th e re ’s no w a y th a t you can do it w rong!
I: H u m .
R : I f yo u r set an d s e ttin g is correct, you know , i f yo u’re in a safe place
and you’ve done th e necessary w o rk to be th e re , [h eavy sigh] ju s t re la x
and go w ith it.
I: U m , hum .
R : I th in k Fm m uch m o re, u m , d irective w ith people as fa r as th e ir
in te n tio n th a n h e w as w ith m e.
I: U m , hu m . D o you th in k th a t’s a product o f th e tim e?
227
R : I th in k th a t’s a product, yes, I do. I do. [em phatic] T h ere seems to be
[heavy sigh] p a rtic u la rly in ayahuasca groups, th ere’s so m uch energy
out th e re , so m uch diverse energy, an d people com ing from d iffe re n t
ways and d iffe re n t beliefs th a t, um , I th in k m ore w ith ayahuasca th a n
an yth in g else th a t it ’s re a lly im p o rta n t to keep it on th e road, so to
speak. A n d , stay grounded. R em em ber w h a t yo u r in te n tio n is . A nd
stay p resen t, re a lly stay p resen t. W h ere w ith o th er psychedelics,
people can ju s t, you know , go w h erever. J u s t follow it w here ever it
takes you. B u t w ith ayahuasca th e id e a is th a t th e energy’s com ing
from th e heavens and w e’re grounding i t in to th e ea rth . So you’re
ta k in g i t fro m th e heavens and allo w in g i t to come through yo ur body,
and g ivin g it to M o th e r E a rth . So continuously g ivin g it up to th e
e a rth . A n d you know , k in d of, s ittin g s tra ig h t and stayin g present w ith
th a t in te n t.
The "road" o f w hich M A speaks is em bodied in tra d itio n s o f syn cretic
churches such as th e Santo D aim e and U n ia o de V eg etal o f B ra z il, in w hich
th e p la n t psychedelic ayahuasca is used sa cram en tally in a group
en viron m ent (D o b kin de R ios, 1996; G rob e t a l., 1996; Lam b, 1971; L u n a
& A m aringo, 1991). T h is is in m any w ays s im ila r to th e use o f Peyote in
N a tiv e A m erican C hurch cerem onies, in w h ich s ittin g up and a tte n d in g to
th e group r itu a l are valu ed over w ith d ra w a l in to in d iv id u a l process
(C alabrese, 1997; L a B a rre , 19 69).
I: U m , h u m . Do you see an y use fo r psychedelics in therapy?

R : [answ ers qu ickly] Yes! [em phatic]
I: C an you say w hat?
R : H e lp in g people get p ast blocks th a t in th e ir o rd in ary consciousness
they’re n o t w illin g to look a t or get in to .
I: A nd w h a t happens fo r p a tie n ts an d people in th erap y w hen th ey are
able to do th at?
R : M y experience is q u ite often th ey’re ab le to forgive w h atever.
W h eth er it ’s them selves o r someone else. W h ateve r has been blocking
th e ir en ergy.
22 8
I: To forgive?
R : U h , h u h . [yes] To see th e o th er side o f th e story.
I: U m , hu m . D o you have any h e a lth problem s th a t resu lted from
ta k in g psychedelics?
R : [answ ers q u ickly] N o I don’t.
I: A nd do you have plans to continue to use them ?
R : Y es, I do. [em phatic]
I: W h y are psychedelics ille g al?
R : F e ar! [laughs]
I: Oh? O f w hat?
R : [laughs] 1 th in k it ’s th e fe a r o f th e pow ers th a t be th a t people w ill
th in k fre e ly , [em phatic] Possibly get along. N o t have so m uch
dissension betw een people. Ju st th in k how g re a t it w ould be i f people
could w o rk th e ir grievances o u t in a psychedelic session! O r have a
psychedelic session and th en do some t a lk in g to g eth er about w h a t i t is
th a t I don’t lik e about you.
I: A re th e re d iffe re n t levels o f re a lity ?
R : Yes! [em phatic] The story I to ld you about, no fu tu re , no past, it ’s
on ly th e p resen t, th a t’s it!
I: T h a t’s th e o n ly one?
R : T h a t’s th e m ain one.
I: So are yo u r thoughts and im ages in yo u r m in d as re a l as say th e
fo rk you e a t yo u r d in n er w ith ?
R : U h , yeah. Th ey’re probably m ore! [pauses] They’re s lig h tly m ore
no u rish in g th a n th e fo rk I e a t m y m eat w ith ! [laughs]
I: [laughs] Y eah .
R : B u t I can use som ething else besides th a t fo rk! B u t I w ould be lo st
w ith o u t m y im ages, [laughs]
I: C an you, can you move th ing s on th e le v e l o f re a lity th a t th e fo rk
exists on w ith th e things th a t go on in yo u r m in d?
R : I can u n d er some circum stances, [em phatic]
I: U m , hum . C an you say a little b it about w h a t those m ig h t be?
R : I can w ith ayahuasca. I can do an am azin g am ount o f research,
re p a ir, p lan n in g . It's lik e being able to go in to th e A kash ic Records
[A kasha is th e S a n s k rit w ord fo r th e e th e ric substance o f th e U n iv erse,
on w hich th e re is im pressed a record o f every occurrence since th e
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b eg in n in g o f tim e an ti t o w hich one can tu n e in v ib ra tio n a lly ] and fig u re
th in g s ou t. To give you an id ea of, um , ju s t so m ethin g re c e n tly , as o f
yesterd ay I ju s t com pleted in th e la s t, uh , 8 d ays, 4 sessions w ith
ayahuasca w ith a cu ran dero from P eru . A nd I decided to s tay on th e
d ie t [th a t is p a rt o f th e p re p a ra tio n ritu a l fo r ta k in g ayahuasca], and
M onday Fm going to go in th e re ag ain cause I need to do some
p la n n in g as to how I w a n t th e re s t o f th is y e a r to look an d to go fo r
m yself. In a d d itio n , I have a frie n d h ere w ho is d yin g , so in one o f m y
sessions la s t w eek I w as focusing on h im in a w a y to , I th in k m y
in te n tio n w as to , nnn, — w h at d id I say? — u m , lik e , tr ip in h is nam e.
I: Y eah .
R : A nd th e n , w ith in 5 m inu tes o f in g estin g th e ayahuasca I got th e
w hole th in g of, “O ka y, w h a t is i t you w ant? T h e good parts? Th e bad
parts? T h e karm a? W h a t are you re a lly w illin g to ta k e on?” A nd it ’s
lik e , "O h, m y God! I have to m ake m y in te n tio n s a little m ore clear!”
A nd I ju s t got to re a lly look a t th a t. P a rt o f i t cam e up as arrogance.
Y ou know? "The nerve! To th in k th a t you can c a ll th is energy fo r
someone else, D o you th in k th a t h is process is n ’t p erfect th e w ay it is?"
[laughs] Y ou know ? A ll o f th a t k in d o f s tu ff cam e u p . A n d i t took m e,
you know , w e w ere th e re fo r 3 o r 4 hours ju s t k in d o f w o rkin g w ith
th a t. A nd, um , th e n th e n ext session, it w as 2 n ig h ts la te r m y in te n tio n
w as to fin d th e place in sid e o f m y s e lf th a t w as s till and serene, to th e
p o in t th a t I h ad an abundance o f th a t. So th a t I could su pp ort him from
th e re . W hich w as a m uch b e tte r place to be th a n w h ere I w as a couple
days before th a t! [laughs] T h en ta lk in g to h im w h en I got hom e, as to
w h a t th e tr ip w as ab o u t and so fo rth and so on. I t seem s th a t w e’ve
been h a vin g p a ra lle l dream s, so w h a t I w a n t to do on M onday n ig h t is
to k in d o f exp lo re some o f th e dream s th a t he’s h ad from th e dream s
th a t Fve h ad arou nd h is death . B u t, I g et a lo t done, a lo t done w ith
ayahuasca. [em p h atic]
M A has h ad a life tim e in w hich to develop th e a b ilitie s to ap p ly th e
in fo rm a tio n an d in s tru c tio n gathered in th e psychedelic s ta te to th e
reso lu tio n o f issues an d problem s in th e o rd in a ry w o rld . R aised in a fa m ily
th a t had respect fo r s p irits and a d a ily fa m ilia rity w ith d e a th , M A 's firs t
230
psychedelic experience fe lt lik e coining hom e. Y ears o f focus and stu d y in
an esoteric school, and in th e tra d itio n s o f psychedelic-using s p iritu a l
p a th s , personal experiences w ith th e psychedelic sacram ents, and t r a in in g
as a th e ra p is t have developed M A 's s k ills as a h e a le r and counselor.
T h e N a rra tiv e Voice
In presenting these eleven n a rra tiv e accounts, I have attem p te d to
avoid w h a t L a u re l R ichardson (1 9 8 8 ) called th e "self-centered re fle x iv e
s ty le , w here th e people stu d ied a re tre a te d as garnishes and condim ents,
ta s ty only in re la tio n to th e m a in course, th e [researcher]" (p . 2 0 5 ). In s te a d
o f em phasizing m y in te rp re ta tio n s and analyses and illu s tra tin g these w ith
p a rtic u la r excerpts, I h ave atte m p te d to le t th e p a rticip an ts speak d ire c tly
to th e read er.
D esp ite th e im pression o f spontaneous and unedited speech created
b y lo ng excerpts from in te rv ie w tra n s c rip ts , how ever, these n a rra tiv e s
h ave a lre a d y undergone considerable in te rp re ta tio n and an alysis. D u rin g
th e in tervie w s them selves, I used m an y probes and references to non
v e rb a l cues provided b y th e respondents in an attem p t to m ake th e
lan gu age and m eanings expressed b y th e p a rticip an ts as specific as
possible. T h e excerpts presented h ere w ere chosen fo r th e ir a b ility to give
a coherent p ictu re o f th e respondent's life h isto ries, as w ell as fo r th e ir
usefulness in illu s tra tin g p a rtic u la r them es and topics. I have trie d to
avo id th e practice o f p ro vid in g o n ly snippets o f p articip an ts' ta lk as "proof'
o f points th a t I was try in g to m ake (R eissm an, 1993). The tra n s c rip ts have
been ed ited to m ake th em som ew hat m ore read able, e lim in a tin g m any
"urn's," rep etitio n s and false s ta rts . D esp ite th is atte m p t, I have also
re ta in e d m any elem ents o f dysfluency in p a rts o f th e n a rra tiv e s d u rin g
231
w hich th e occurrence o f a d d itio n a l v e rb a l and non-verbal cues suggested
th a t these w ere not ju s t ve rb al tics, b u t p a rt o f a p a tte rn o f d iffic u lt o r
em o tio n ally charged com m unication.
In th e n ext ch apter I tu rn m ore fu lly to m y own in te rp re ta tio n s and
analyses o f th e respondents' n a rra tiv e s , both re fe rrin g to th e n a rra tiv e s
alre a d y presented and in clu d in g sh o rter excerpts from th e re m a in in g
eleven in terview s as illu s tra tio n s o f them es and pattern s th a t I have noted
in exam in in g th e in te rv ie w tra n s c rip ts . B y providin g both long n a rra tiv e s
and in te rp re ta tio n s supported by sh o rter excerpts from p a rtic ip a n ts '
in tervie w s, I hope both to re v e a l how I fo rm u lated m y in te rp re ta tio n s and
to allo w th e read er to develop a lte rn a tiv e in terp reta tio n s based upon his or
h er own exam ination o f th e texts.
23 2
C hapter 5: T hem es and U n derstand in gs
You w ill recognize them by th e fru its th ey b e ar

M a tth e w 7:16
A spects o f In te n s e Personal E xperiences
A ll tw e n ty tw o respondents in th is stu d y firs t used psychedelic
drugs m ore th a n tw e n ty fiv e years ago. W h ile m any m ade specific
statem en ts about th e e x tra o rd in a ry in te n s ity o f th e experience and th e
c la rity o f th e ir recollections, th e v e ry fa c t th a t th ey re ta in m em ories o f th e
d e ta ils a fte r a q u a rte r cen tu ry suggests th a t th e o rig in a l experience w as
in ten se and no tew o rth y to th em . A ccording to W ilso n & Spencer (1 990 ):
In th in k in g about intense personal experiences, it is possible to
d is tin g u is h am ong th re e com ponents: (1 ) th e n a tu re o f th e experience
its e lf {i.e. th e phenom enology o r subjective effects); (2 ) th e m ea n in g or

in te rp re ta tio n given th e experience; and (3 ) th e after-effects o f th e
experience (p . 565)
A ll o f these elem ents w ere represented in th e in te rv ie w tra n s c rip ts . Some
w ere sought by specific questioning, others w ere offered spontaneously in
th e respondents' n a rra tiv e accounts.
D u rin g th e e a rlie s t stages o f th is stu d y, and p a rtic u la rly d u rin g m y
association w ith th e larg e , N TD A -funded stu d y "L S D , M D M A and O th e r
P sychedelics," in te rv ie w s tended to em phasize th e h is to ric and
ph arm acologic d e ta ils o f psychedelic d ru g use, and m any respondents
described, o r attem p ted to describe, th e specific and im m ed iate events o f
th e experience itself, often sim u ltan eo u sly p ro testin g th a t th e ir descriptions
233
w ere hopelessly in ad eq u ate. I obtained d e ta ile d d escrip tion s o f su b je c tiv e
effects a ttrib u te d to specific psychedelic drug s, as w e ll as d e tailed

in fo rm a tio n about th e k in d and am ount o f drugs respondents used an d how
th ey w ere o b tain ed and ad m in istered . A s th is study developed, how ever,
m y in terests cam e to cen ter on tw o o th e r aspects o f th e experience:
m ean in g and after-effects.

Som e respondents, p a rtic u la rly those w ho had h a d u n p leasan t
sequellae o f th e ir experiences, spontaneously recounted th e ir im pressions
o f th e episode's im m ed iate after-effec ts. A s th e in te rv ie w schedule evolved
d u rin g th e course o f th e study, la te r versions em phasized exp lo ratio n o f th e
respondents' constructions o f th e lo n g -ran g e a fte r-e ffe c ts o f th e ir
psychedelic experiences, p a rtic u la rly effects on th e ir va lu e s , a ttitu d e s an d
b eliefs. M a n y o f th e respondents' descriptions o f a fte r-e ffe c ts w ere closely
tie d to th e ir understandings o f th e experiences' m eanings. In a n a ly zin g th e
in te rv ie w tra n s c rip ts , I e v e n tu a lly id e n tifie d tw e n ty th re e m ajo r them es o r
m eaning categories, m any o f w hich in co rp o rated se veral m in o r them es. A ll
o f these them es w ere id e n tifie d by in vivo term s th a t w e re used by th e
respondents them selves, w ith a preference fo r those th a t w ere m entioned
spontaneously ra th e r th a n offered in response to a qu estion .
O ne th em e in p a rtic u la r was m ention ed w ith o u t p ro m p tin g or
questioning by every respondent as p a rt o f h is or h e r descrip tio n an d
in te rp re ta tio n o f th e m ean ing and a fte r effects o f perso n al psychedelic
experiences. In every case respondents described som e in s ig h t ab ou t o r
perception o f con n ectedn ess: som ething understood ab o u t th e re la tio n s h ip
o f the in d iv id u a l s e lf to th e m a te ria l w o rld , to o th er people or to th e
universe o r cosmos. In a ll b u t one o f th e in te rv ie w s , th is w as described in
term s o f an in s ig h t about "in ter-co n n ected n ess " o f w h a t h ad fo rm e rly
234
seem ed to be sep arate phenom ena. T h e respondents described increased
aw areness o f p a tte rn s o f in te r related n ess, w h ich fo r m any included an
in s ig h t in to th e ir ow n specific places in a n em bracing, m u ltifaceted and
co n stan tly changing design w hich w as seen to connect a ll beings. E ven th e
one respondent w ho in te rp re te d h e r psychedelic experiences as a
v a lid a tio n o f h e r separateness, autonom y and p ersonal in d iv id u a tio n
id e n tifie d th is in s ig h t as a new and im p o rta n t u n d erstan d in g o f th e place o f
s e lf in a la rg e r w o rld .
The core them e: In ter-con n ected n ess
P erceptions o f inter-connectedness, in w h ich th e borders o f th e s e lf
and th e d istin ctio n s th a t separate an d d efin e th e w o rld o f every day shared
understandings s h ifte d , o ften in volved changed aw areness o f personal
id e n tity . N e a rly a ll o f th e respondents described a n aw areness o f g rea ter
relatedness and in te g ra tio n in to a la rg e r w hole, a n experience beyond th e
personal th a t w as d is tin c tly d iffe re n t fro m th e ir everyd ay aw areness o f
independent an d in d iv id u a l selves. S im ila r descriptions o f experiences o f
tran sp erso n al u n ity have been id e n tifie d p revio u sly as aspects o f various
relig io u s an d m ystical tra d itio n s (C la rk , 1973; Jam es, 1982; S m ith ,
1976/1992; S tace, 1960). R eports o f persons describ in g these experiences
in d ica te th a t th e y have a com pelling q u a lity o f incom parable salience.
G eorge (1 9 9 5 ) describes th e fe e lin g th a t a ll th in g s form a u n ity as
being "sensed as a c e rta in know ledge, com pared to w h ich th e ap p aren t
sep aratio n o f objects in th e w o rld seems illu so ry" (p . 186). The
consciousness o f th is all-re c o n c ilin g s ta te o f being is som etim es described
as th e "state o f G race" (S p re tn a k , 1991). Stace (1 9 6 0 ) described th e
perception o f u n d iffe re n tia te d u n ity as th e core o f m ystical experience. F o r
23 5
m any respondents, th e accounts o f th e ir psychedelic experiences describe
an im m e d ia te and personal encounter o f th is k in d , w h ich th e ir relig io u s
tra in in g had presented o n ly as a m etapho r. T h e n a rra tiv e o f E N provides
an exam ple:
" It w as self-evid en t."
E N described how his previous s p iritu a l tra in in g cam e to m ean m ore
to h im fo llo w in g his psychedelic experiences:
R : I t w as a to ta lly d iffe re n t experience. . . and I fu n d a m e n ta lly

discovered th e oneness o f everyth in g . I t w as so se lf-evid en t. L ik e it
says in th e D e c la ra tio n o f Independence, it w as se lf-e vid en t. T h a t w as
tru ly m y firs t s p iritu a l experience. . . I b u rs t th ro u g h a th resh o ld to
sm other le v e l th a t m ade a ll o f m y E p isco p alian , P ro te s ta n t u p b rin g in g
m ake sense. I t was k in d o f hokey to m e before th a t. . . . A nd I'v e had
some in cre d ib le psychedelic trip s ab o u t fath erh o o d , co n tem p latin g
fath erh o o d and how to be a good fa th e r. . . H ow to try to im prove
m yself. . .as a hum an being, as a fa th e r, as a m ale, as a husband, as
an em plo yer, as a w o rke r to m y c lie n ts , to m y frien d s. To be n o t too b ig
o f a b u rd en on anybody, and w h ile I'm strong and ab le, to h e lp ca rry
th e b a ll fo r m yself, m y fa m ily and anybody else around m e, in th a t
o rd er. T h a t is th e s tu ff th at's re a lly b ro u g h t to m ind from m y
psychedelic experiences. I th in k I w ould have n o t fe lt so com pelled to
address those issues i f I had never ta k e n psychedelics. T h a t's how it
re a lly changed m e a lo t...seein g th e inter-connectedness o f it . A nd th e
im po rtance o f it. (E N , age 56 )
E N 's n a rra tiv e m ay be com pared w ith th a t o f W a lte r S chneider (1 9 6 7 ),
w ritin g about h is experiences in th e P sychedelic R eview , th e jo u rn a l o f
e x p e rie n tia l ex p lo ra tio n and research w ith psychedelics s ta rte d by R alp h
M e tzn e r:
A va st sensation o f belongingness an d u n ity is achieved th ro u g h an
ap p reciatio n o f an in fin ite ly com plex b u t e x p e rie n tia lly sim ple
23 6
re la tio n s h ip betw een a ll objects, concepts an d liv in g processes.
D is tin c tio n s caused by separateness, w h ich is th e basis fo r our usual
d e fin itio n a l w o rld , evapo rate (p. 5 3 ).
A c e n tra l perception
E xperiences o f interconnectedness o r u n ity u n d er th e influence o f
psychedelic drugs have o ften been described. C la rk (1 9 6 7 ) has described
psychedelic drugs as "re lia b le trig g ers" o f m y s tic a l experiences, in w hich
"a sim ple y e t m arvelo us u n ity u n d e rly in g th e appearance o f a ll liv in g
things and m a tte r" (p . 23 3) is perceived. H a rm a n (1 9 6 2 ) id e n tifie d a
cen tral p ercep tio n th a t is o ften described by psychedelic d rug users as an
aw areness
th a t b ehin d th e m u ltip lic ity o f th in g s in th e w o rld o f science and
common sense th e re is a . . .re a lity , in sp eakin g o f w hich it seems
ap p ro p ria te to use such w ords as in fin ite an d e te rn a l. A ll beings seem
to be u n ite d in th is B ein g; in our u su al s ta te w e are not consciously
aw are o f th is and see ourselves and th e objects o f th e w orld as
in d iv id u a l and sep arate e n titie s (p p. 7 7 -8 )
E dw ard C a rp e n te r (c ited in H a rm a n , 1963) described it as "a
consciousness o f a q u a s i-u n iversa l q u a lity , an d a re a liz a tio n o f an
alto g eth er v a s te r s e lf th a n th a t to w h ich w e a re accustom ed . . . So
splendid is th is experience th a t in thousands o f cases th e fact o f its h avin g
come even once to a m an has com pletely re v o lu tio n ize d his subsequent life
and outlook on th e w orld" (p . 9 6 ). G ro f (1 9 7 2 -3 ) found th a t th e accounts
given by d iffe re n t in d iv id u a ls o f d ire c t experiences o f inter-connectedness
and cosmic u n ity w ere s trik in g ly s im ila r, and m an y who described these
experiences also claim ed to have a tta in e d "profound in tu itiv e
un derstand ing " o f them selves and th e ir w o rld s (p . 171).
237
These descriptions, w h ile elo qu ent and evocative, em phasize the
perspective o f th e person who enjoyed th e experience o f inter-connectedness
and accepted it as a v a lid perception. T h is is th e story to ld above by E N ,
and in th e n a rra tiv e s o f G M ("H ow can th ey try to end th is beauty?", T Q
("The begin nin g o f tran sfo rm atio n "), N M ("A sense o f doing good in the
w o rld ") and O M ("A re a l capacity to love"). F o r these respondents,
perceptions o f oneness and connectedness w ere positive and
tra n s fo rm a tiv e , and th ey describe a ll o f th e ir subsequent lives and w o rk to
have been influenced by th e in te g ra tio n o f th e ir new understandings.
T h e experience o f u n ity and inter-connectedness can h e al and
com fort, as in th e story o f D N ("W ith th e fire and th e S p irit" ), o r be an
o p p o rtu n ity fo r unim agined new le a rn in g such as th a t experienced by H M
in th e process o f "in te rn a l m en tal m apping" o f the in te rp e n e tra tin g b u t
un ch arted regions o f th e m ind. F o r others, experiences o f in te r
connectedness w ere sublim e and th e sense o f divin e u n ity and u n ive rs al
peace th ey provided w as precious, b u t a re tu rn to o rd in a ry life provoked
an experience o f pain and loss. As E D explains in "True N a tu re ," some who
rep o rted these experiences w ere plunged in to depression and s e lf c ritic is m
w hen th ey could not m a in ta in a d a ily aw areness o f w h a t th ey had seen and
know n. In "The b e ll to lls fo r thee," D B ta lk s o f th e sense o f a lie n a tio n and
iso latio n th a t developed fo r h e r as one who had experienced and valued
inter-connectedness, b u t lacked a supportive en viron m ent in w hich
changed beliefs and in sigh ts could be com m unicated and practiced.
O th ers found the sense o f inter-connectedness d istu rb in g , frig h te n in g
o r psychologically p a in fu l. M O 's n a rra tiv e ("A w orld in w hich th e re is
Presence") re la te d h e r helplessness and fru s tra tio n w hen co nfron tin g, fro m
a perspective o f interconnectedness, th e m uddle o f p o litic a l tu rm o il and
238
en viro n m en tal degradatio n in th e w o rld w e share. In a d d itio n , h e r p re
ex istin g p erso n ality, h e r social aw kw ardness and h e r in s e c u rity about h er
own s k ills and self-w o rth m ay have co n trib u ted to th e personal fra g ility
th a t sh attered , fo llo w in g a psychedelic experience, in to a prolonged episode
o f d erealizatio n . F o r M S ("W a it a m in u te! T h is is m y life !" ), th e un pleasant
and frig h te n in g circum stances o f some o f h e r psychedelic trip s and th e
presence o f a fram e o f referen ce provided by abnorm al psychology
suggested th a t h e r experience o f th e existence o f o th er dim ensions o f
re a lity and th e p e rm e a b ility o f boundaries was a sym ptom o f p sych iatric
illness.
W h eth er evalu ated p o s itiv e ly o r n eg ative ly by th e exp erien cer, a
convincing experience o f inter-connectedness m ay ch allenge some
fu n d am en tal assum ptions ab o u t how th e w o rld is s tru c tu re d , and open up
th e p o ssib ility o f re o rie n ta tio n an d re s tru c tu rin g . G rego ry B ateson has
suggested th a t w hen an. in d iv id u a l's deeply im bedded m e n ta l prem ises
change, th e resu lts reve rb erate an d ra m ify th ro ugh ou t h is o r h er hum an
and physical environm ent by m eans o f a lte rin g th e w ay in w hich he or she
construes experience (B ateson, 1971). T h is is th e process by w hich even a
single experience o f "sim ple y e t m arvelous u n ity ," inter-connectedness or
all-em b racin g consciousness, how ever a tta in e d , is th o u g h t to have th e
capacity to change both one's ou tlo ok and one's subsequent life (B ishop,
1963; Jam es, 1982; M aslow , 1959; S tace, 1960).
"One o f th e d efin in g experiences"
O n ly one o f th e respondents, E U , provided no re p o rt o f an increased
sense o f connectedness. In h e r n a rra tiv e , how ever, she described th e m ost
im p o rta n t un derstand ing d e riv ed fro m h e r psychedelic experiences as th e
239
developm ent o f personal in sig h ts "and kn ow in g [her] own m in d , and goals
and id eals." H e r psychedelic experiences w ere, she said ,
. . .one o f th e d e fin in g experiences fo r m e, in term s of, u h , you know , it

gave m e an o p p o rtu n ity to re a lly do som e, in tra-p sych ic w o rk. A t a
very young age! I th in k I becam e m uch m ore in s ig h tfu l. I th in k ,
probably I w as, um , ve ry ego cen tric and m ay have spent m ore tim e
th an [laughs] I should have on th a t. B u t, on th e o th er hand I w as, I
re a lly fe lt th a t it helped m e to un derstand a lo t o f th ing s about m yself.
A nd to th in k about w h at I w an ted to do and not do. So, I th in k it was
lik e m y fo rm o f personal th e ra p y and developm ent o f in s ig h t. . . I t
allow ed m e to re a lly be by m yself. In m yself. A nd to re a lly fe e l good
about th a t. F e el fin e w ith th a t. So, you know , I th in k th a t re a lly did
help m e. A nd th a t w asn’t so cially sanctioned, to k in d o f be by yo u rself.
I t w asn’t safe in m any w ays to be by yo u rself as a young w om an. I
guess even now . Y ou know? B u t, L S D re a lly w as yo ur ow n experience
and nobody else’s. [em phatic] A nd also th a t I d id it! [em phatic] You
know? A n d th a t I was okay! [em p hatic] A nd so th a t ta k in g risks and
accepting th e consequences and seeing th a t, th a t I had to d eal w ith
those decisions. So, I th in k it had som ething to do w ith m y se lf
developm ent.
(E U , age 50 )
E U 's psychedelic in sig h ts w ere o f h e r ow n independence, in d iv id u a lity and
s e lf su fficien cy, and th e freedom th a t th is re a liz a tio n gave h e r.
P erson al in s ig h t experiences such as E U 's, in w hich th e in d iv id u a l
comes to u n d erstan d and accept him se lf o r h e rs e lf w ith o u t com parison to a
p a rtic u la r im ag e, id e a l, stan d ard or id e n tity are also very com m only
reported bo th in th e lite ra tu re and by th e p a rtic ip a n ts in th is stu d y. W h ile
several respondents described th e ir psychedelic experiences as fo ste rin g
th e developm ent o f self-acceptance and th e grow th o f self-aw areness, th is
was n o t rep o rted as co n sistently as w as th e experience o f
interconnectedness. E U m ay have been a llu d in g to experiences o f personal
24 0
grow th w hen she m entions "in tra-p sych ic w ork" and becom ing "m uch m ore
in s ig h tfu l." She describes h er experiences as a "form o f personal therapy"
in w h ich she gained confidence and lea rn ed about ris k ta k in g , b u t she does
not disclose th e content o f h er personal process.
E U 's n a rra tiv e presents no a d d itio n a l d e ta ils o f h e r psychedelic
experiences, especially in contrast to h e r ric h descrip tion s o f h e r cu rren t
fa m ily life , h e r use o f m ariju a n a as a college stu d en t, an d h e r arrests fo r
c iv il disobedience. In com parison to th e n a rra tiv e s o f o th e r respondents,
E U 's descriptions o f h er psychedelic experiences are sh o rt, unem otional
and m a tte r o f fa c t, em phasizing h e r in te lle c tu a l assessm ent o f th e
experience ra th e r th an its phenom enological d e ta ils . A lth o u g h she does not
describe an experience o f a sense o f u n ity as a p a rt o f h e r psychedelic
experience, h e r n a rra tiv e em phasizes a re la te d b u t opposite in sig h t: th a t o f
a sense o f in d iv id u a tio n , independence and s e lf-re s p o n s ib ility .
D ru g , set and settin g
E a rly researchers grouped th e effects o f psychedelic drugs in to six
constellations or types o f experiences, a continuum o f in cre as in g self
su rren d er to th e effects o f drug experiences. A t one extrem e o f th is
continuum is d e n ia l o f th e em otional content o f th e experience and attem pts
a t m a in ta in in g psychological control. As th e in te n s ity o f d ru g effects
increases, users m ay describe a n x ie ty , p h ysical sym ptom s, perceptual
confusion and synesthesias, enhanced in te lle c tu a l cap acity and expanded
aw areness, and fin a lly , a t th is continuum 's o th e r extrem e, d ire c t
experiences o f a u n ify in g p rin cip le u n d e rly in g a ll th in g s (C hw elos e t a l.,
1959). T h is le v e l o f in te n s ity is not reached by a ll users, b u t is m ore lik e ly
w hen resistance to th e drugs' effect is m in im a l.
24 1
M an y psychedelic researchers have pointed out th a t h ig h er doses (in
excess o f 200 pg) w ill have such an overw helm ing effect th a t an y attem pts
a t resistan ce to or control o f th e experience are fru itle s s , and th e user is
"pushed through" to a state o f tran scen d en t u n ity (C ohen, 1964a; G rof,
1975). A nalyses o f sam ples o f L S D o b tained since 1970 suggest th a t one
"h it" o f L S D as sold on th e s tre e t has n ever contained m ore th a n lOOpg
since th a t tim e (J . B eck, personal com m unication, M ay 3, 20 00). These
sm all doses tend to produce eu p h o ria, and some perceptual a lte ra tio n , b u t
do not u su ally produce th e in e ffa b le , m ystical or u n itiv e experiences th a t
are categorized as "psychedelic" in th e o rig in a l m eaning o f m ind -
m an ifestin g . U sers o f psychedelics ob tained illic itly g en erally have no w ay
to d eterm in e th e size o f th e ir dose (B au m eister & P lac id i, 1983). A ll o f the
p a rtic ip a n ts in th is study began th e ir use o f psychedelics p rio r to 1975,
and th e only one whose firs t use took place a fte r 1970 received a high-dose
L S D session from a th e ra p is t w ho had access to re lia b le supplies o f LS D .
Thus th ey are m ore lik e ly th a n users o f to d ay to have in itia lly been
exposed to a h ig h dose.
D u rin g th e era o f system atic psychedelic research, it becam e evident
th a t no n-drug variab les in clu d in g th e expectations o f both th e user and the
person ad m in isterin g th e drug, th e purpose fo r w hich th e d rug was used,
and th e s e ttin g in w hich th e experience to ok place w ere "c ritic a l factors in
d e term in in g th e d irectio n in w h ich th e subject's experience w ould proceed"
(C ohen, 1985, p. 292). In ad d itio n to th e dose consumed, elem ents o f th e
m e n ta l set and physical settin g o f use fo r e a rly users o f psychedelics are
lik e ly to have been q u ite d iffe re n t from those o f la te r users. In tervie w s o f
L S D users conducted by B au m eister and P la c id i (1983) in th e la te 1970's
suggested th a t th ey discounted claim s th a t th e psychedelic experience
242
could produce psychological change o r s p iritu a l in s ig h t, seeing
psychedelics as one o f several possible in to xican ts th a t m ig h t be used to
increase enjoym ent o f a social s e ttin g . T h e ir use tended to occur in
s tim u lu s -ric h environm ents, and w ith la rg e groups o f people.
T h e descriptions o f set and s e ttin g provided by e a rlie r users,
in clu d in g those o f m ost o f th e p a rtic ip a n ts in th is study, d iffered in one or
both o f these aspects. M an y p a rtic ip a n ts described th e p rep aratio n s th a t
th ey m ade fo r th e ir psychedelic trip s , in clu d in g p rio r consideration o f th e ir
in ten tio n s fo r th e session, provision o f a guide or support person, fa s tin g ,
m e d ita tio n , s e lf analysis and personal in ven to ries . F o r m any study
p a rtic ip a n ts , th e ir use occurred in a s e ttin g in ten d ed to fo ster
in tro sp ection, such as a q u ie t hom e w ith a few frie n d s , o r in n a tu re . E ven
those who described use in h ig h ly s tim u la tin g and chaotic en viro n m en ts
such as concerts, fe stiv als and p a rtie s g e n erally rep o rted th a t th e ir
in ten tio n s fo r use had some elem ents o f self-exp lo ratio n and group le a rn in g .
F o r th is p a rtic u la r sam ple o f psychedelic drug users, th e key elem en ts o f
d ru g (dose), set, and se ttin g m ay have tended to fo ster th e occurrence o f
experiences o f interconnectedness by design, or by accidents o f th e tim in g
and circum stances o f th e ir use.
E m p lo tm en t. In te rru p tio n and R e s tru c tu rin g
C u ltu ra l stories
A ccording to P olkinghorne (1 9 8 8 ), th e u su al w ay o f e x p la in in g one's
own actions and th e actions o f others is by th e p ractice o f em p lo tm en t, in
w hich p a rtic u la r actions and actors a re organized in a n a rra tiv e according
to understood roles and accepted sequences o f cause and effect. In m any
n a rra tiv e s , accepted or c u ltu ra lly p re v a le n t p lo t stru ctu res pro vid e
gu id in g m etaphors or paradigm s fo r u n d erstan d in g p a rtic u la r even ts and
243
in d iv id u a l experiences (B ru n e r, 1 9 87). These a re "c u ltu ra l stories." T h ey
describe th e a v a ila b le roles, m eanings, m yth s an d p o ssib ilities for
m em bers o f a c u ltu ra l group, and te n d to rep resen t th e perspective o f th e
em pow ered group w ith in a social w o rld .
W hen events are em ploted alo n g co nventional sto ry lin e s , th e stories
th a t co n tain th em include ta c it elem ents o f reten tion and p ro te n tio n , o f th e
understood p a st and th e assum ed fu tu re . P a rtic u la r elem ents, th en , ta k e
on a m ean in g beyond th a t o f th e ir sim p le id e n tific a tio n as m em bers o f a
category o f occurrences ("m eals," "accidents," "rew ard s"), o r th e ir lo catio n
in tim e and space ("d u rin g S p rin g b rea k," "la st N ovem ber," "in Ita ly " ).
T h ey become in stead p a rt o f a u n ifie d sto ry th a t w eaves th em in to a
co n fig u ratio n in w hich th ey u n fold fro m w h a t cam e before, and in d icate
w h at w ill fo llo w ("before M om died," "on o u r honeym oon,” "when I was a
ch eerlead er").
U nd erstandin gs about th e m ean in g o f events are developed in
h is to ric a l and social contexts guided by com m on experiences. M ore th a n
one p lo t can be used to organize th e sam e events b u t, as th e p lo t changes,
so does th e m ean ing o f th e events th a t it grasps to g eth er. I f an an ticip ated
p a rt o f th e arran g em en t does n o t, in fa c t, occur, th e past m ay be
reconfigured to m a in ta in coherence (P o lkin g h o rn e, 1991), or th e fu tu re
predicted on th e basis o f w h a t th e p resen t seems to protend . I have been
p a rtic u la rly in terested in exam ples o f p ro ten tio n and re te n tio n in th e
n a rra tiv e s o f respondents in th is stu d y because previous research and
w ritin g about psychedelics has in clu d ed so m uch speculation about th e
possible lo ng-range social im p ac t o f psychedelic d ru g use. P a rtic u la rly
freq u en t pred ictions included th e lik e ly fa ilu re o f y o u th fu l users o f th e
1960's and 1970's to assum e fu tu re a d u lt re s p o n s ib ilities , and concerns
244
about th e developm ent o f an "am o tivatio n al syndrom e" (C ohen, 1968a;
F a rn s w o rth , 1967; L o u ria , 1966; R ob itscher, 1969).
T h e n a rra tiv e form s
In exam in in g respondents' n a rra tiv e s , th re e aspects o f n a rra tiv e
em plo tm ent described by B ru n er (1 9 8 7 ) provide th e fram ew o rk th a t I have
used in in te rp re tin g th e stories th a t th e y present. F o llo w in g S k lo v s k ij,
B ru n e r distin guishes th e fabula, th e c u ltu ra l sc rip t or tim eless p a tte rn in
w hich th e story w ould "ord inarily" u n fo ld , from th e sju zet, th e p a rtic u la r
p lo t o f an in d iv id u a l n a rra tiv e . The th ird aspect, form a, is th e genre o f th e
n a rra tiv e , w hich m ay be a farce, a trag ed y , or perhaps a ro m an tic saga.
Th e fabu la or th e tim eless story th a t lin k s these n a rra tiv e s is a
co nventional process o f m atu ra tio n and self-developm ent th a t has been
held ou t as th e an ticip ated and desirab le life-co urse o f a young- o r m id d le-
aged a d u lt in th e la te tw e n tie th cen tu ry. D u rin g th e tw o to fo u r decades
th a t have elapsed since each o f th e respondents firs t used a psychedelic
drug, th e ir life stories as educated N o rth A m ericans m ig h t have been
pred icted to in clud e le a rn in g as an ap p ren tice o r a stu d en t to perform
some u sefu l fu nction in th e com m unity; en ro llm en t in one or m ore self
d e fin itio n s describing s a lie n t a d u lt a c tiv itie s ; p a rtic ip a tio n in tasks and
resp o n sib ilities re la te d to those role d e fin itio n s; p a rtic ip a tio n in a n etw o rk
o f fa m ily and com m unity relation ship s; and a g rad u al accum ulation o f
those s k ills , accom plishm ents, e n title m e n ts , belongings, and obligations
th a t rep resen t th e resu lts and rew ards o f years o f steady progress and
developm ent (C o h ler, 1982). The w ay in w hich these an ticip ated events (th e
fa b u la ) and o th er events th a t m ay no t have been predicted by th e c u ltu ra l

story (th e s ju z e t ) are lin k e d in n a rra tiv e is th e process o f em plotm ent.
24 5
T h e specific p lo t o r sju ze t is found in th e p a rtic u la r circum stances o f
each life , its tw ists o f fa te , unique and novel occurrences, and in d ivid u a l
events. T h e experience o f psychedelic d rug use is a n elem ent o f sju zet here.
The g ath erin g to g eth er in n a rra tiv e o f th e te lle r's experiences and
understandings, personal processes and social contexts discloses th e ir
significance in re la tio n to th e self-understandings o f th e te lle r and creates
th e specific plot. E lem ents o f sju zet are collected an d presented in
n a rra tiv e in re la tio n to goal states or valu ed endp oints, ta k in g in to
consideration th e fabula or c u ltu ra l story in w hich th e n a rra tiv e is
em ploted. The arran g em en t o f events th a t renders goal states m ore o r less
probable provides th e form a , or n a rra tiv e fo rm .
The n a rra tiv e sequence
The p a tte rn o f eighteen o f th e tw e n ty tw o n a rra tiv e s exam ined in
th is study follow s a s im ila r sequential stru ctu re: an in d iv id u a l, em ploted
w ith in a p a rtic u la r c u ltu ra l n a rra tiv e , experienced an in te rru p tio n in
w hich he o r she cam e to recognize th e p o ssib ility o f a lte rn a te
in terp reta tio n s o f re a lity and th e ir im p licatio n s fo r h is o r h er personal
story or life -p lo t. T h is in te rru p tio n w as provoked o r supported by the use o f
psychedelic drugs, and alm ost alw ays w as described to include a d irect,
im m ediate and h ig h ly s a lie n t experience o f "inter-connectedness." These
experiences tended to fo ster sh ifts in values, b eliefs and goals and to
suggest new courses o f action.
F o llow ing in te rru p tio n began a process o f re-em p lo tm en t in w hich
the in d iv id u a l m ade changes in his or h e r plans, a ttitu d e s and practices, in
an e ffo rt in corpo rate new in sig h ts, values and goals. T h e basic sequence,
em plotm en t, in terru p tio n and restru ctu rin g , is a com m on p a tte rn

stru ctu re o f se lf-tra n sfo rm a tio n occurring in m any contexts, such as
246
relig io u s conversion, new parenthood, psychotherapy, r itu a l in itia tio n , and
system atic processes o f so cializatio n to new roles such as professional
education and in d u ctio n in to th e arm ed forces (C a la b re s e , 1997).
O f th e tw e n ty tw o respondents in tervie w ed h e re , th irte e n described
h a vin g "dropped out" o f some social role o r expectation a t th e p o in t o f
in te rru p tio n . Th ey v a rio u s ly le ft school, broke up m arria g es , deserted from
th e m ilita ry , jo in ed h ip p ie com m unes, or fe ll aw ay fro m th e ir cradle
relig io n s . F o r th em , some com plex com bination o f th e ir social w orlds, th e ir
im m ed iate life circum stances, th e ir personal h isto rie s an d th e ir
psychedelic experiences set in m otion an entelechy: a fo rm -g ivin g force or
process th a t w as re a lize d in profound changes th a t re s tru c tu re d th e ir lives
(H o uston, 1968).
"O ptions to change"
D u rin g his firs t L S D experience, O W was to ld th a t he w ould never
come dow n, a d a u n tin g th o u g h t. R eflectin g on th a t experience th irty years
la te r, he describes how th is pred iction tu rn ed o u t to be tru e .
R : I rem em ber w o nderin g w hen th is was going to end, so I asked th is

w om an who had given m e th e acid. I said "H ow soon, w hen am I gonna
come down?" A nd h e r re p ly was "N ever." A nd th a t d id n 't m ake m e feel
v e ry m uch b e tte r a t th a t tim e, [laughs] She w as in m any w ays correct
in saying so. B u t, I w ould have, a t th e tim e , p re fe rre d a d iffe re n t
answ er. L ik e "4 hours" w ould have helped a lo t. [long pause]
I: Does LS D change anything? O r, does it ju s t give you an in s ig h t and
th en yo u're, it's up to you?
R : U m , h a rd to say. [long pause]. LS D m akes you see w h at's going on.
O r m akes you liv e yo u r m ind set, or som ething lik e th a t. A nd w h eth er
you see it or n o t, th e process is probably going on. So i f you see it you
can do som ething about it. I f you do n't see it , I th in k you ju s t sort o f
slog onto yo ur doom , w h atever it m ay be. W hereas i f you see it, um , I
247
th in k th a t fa c t alone gives you options to change w h a t you do w ith your
life , [long pause] F o r m e ta k in g L S D , I ended up spending a lo t o f m y
tim e in th e P ra n k s te r scene and hanging arou nd th e lik e s o f N e il
Cassady w ho w as a p re tty determ in ed trip p e r. H is fa m ily background
was so d iffe re n t from m in e, his life s ty le was so d iffe re n t from m in e th a t
I could h a rd ly com prehend w h a t he w as up to! A n d so even w ith in th a t
scene I w as to ta lly subm erged in som ething th a t w as fa r m ore
d iffe re n t. R ougher, to u g h er, re a lly carin g. T o u g h er and ca rin g a t th e
same tim e . Nobody cared about yo ur wh in in g ! B u t everybody cared
about yo u r re a l w ell-b e in g . W hereas, I th in k in m y previous existence
people cared a lo t about yo u r w h in in g , b u t n o t re a lly about yo u r tru e
w ell-b ein g . So, w h ere acid led m e was such a d iffe re n t life th a t, I w ould
say th a t th e acid led m e places I sim ply w o u ld n 't have gone otherw ise.
A nd th en th e exposure to those places and people and circum stances,
plus th e L S D , m ade a huge difference in m y life , [em p hatic] So, I th in k
th e answ er is yes. L S D not on ly pointed th e w a y , i t a c tu a lly took m e
th ere and le ft m e th e re . A nd th e n I had to d eal w ith th a t. A nd w h ere it
le ft me in th e firs t few years w as places w here I tended to do a lo t m ore
L S D , cause th a t's w h a t everybody was doing. (O W , age 6 3 )
One o f th e respondents (E N : " It was s e lf-e v id e n t”) who had a
m em orable experience o f interconnectedness, describes th e effect o f h is firs t
LS D experience as causing h im to "disassem ble" in a w ay th a t "to ta lly
changed [his] life:"
R : A nd so w e ended up w a lk in g , and m y blood s ta rte d c irc u la tin g

through m y body from th e w a lk , it re a lly s ta rte d and I said "O h, boy.
Oh wow, is th is n eat." I th o u g h t th a t th is w as re a lly te rrific . C ourse I
had no id e a w h a t w as to come! [laughs]. . . A nd so o ff w e go, and it was
very in te re s tin g because I d isa sse m b le d rig h t th e re in th e m id d le o f
G olden G ate P a rk , w ith a bunch o f bands p la y in g . A nd it w as a
w o nderful trip . I fe lt to ta lly a t one...[pause] I t w as ju s t one o f
those... [pause] I t w as so stran g e, I had no id ea! I ju s t had no id ea! A nd
it changed m y life . I t ju s t to ta lly changed m y life . F ro m th a t m om ent
fo rw ard , I'v e n ever come dow n! [very em phatic] M ayb e th a t's a ll you
24 8
need to know about th is in te rv ie w ! M y brain 's synapses w ere firin g
aw ay and I fe lt "This is heaven!" A nd it was beyond m y com prehension
th a t anyone w ould w an t to leave it! W hy w ould a n y o n e ...I sat th e re , I
was b e y o n d ...I co u ld n 't ta lk . M y m ind was th in k in g in paragraph s and
chapters, and m y m outh could only go a sentence a t a tim e ! [em p hatic]
B u t, I sat th ere in befuddlem ent w hy anyone w ould w an t to leave
p aradise. T h a t w as m y firs t glim pse. I was 24 or 25 years old. I w as
perhaps seeing th e G ra il fo r th e firs t tim e! [laughs] I kn ew th ere m u st
be som ething about life th a t's beyond m akin g your M om and D ad
happy, and h avin g a jo b and m oney so th a t everybody w ill th in k th a t
you're n e at, and you can w a lk around fe elin g th a t you're a little b it
b e tte r th a n somebody else. Th ere had to be som ething beyond th a t.
(E N , age 56)
From th e perspective o f m any contem porary observers o f these and s im ilar
tran sfo rm atio n s, th is appeared to be th e begin n in g o f a dow nw ard slope.
Th e m iddle-class A m erican c u ltu ra l n a rra tiv e o f g rad u al, stab le and
com fortable progress th ro u g h p red ictab le stages o f a d u lt developm ent
protended, in m id d le age, th e goal state o f a fu lfille d , self-satisfied and se lf-
su ffic ien t m a tu rity . Those who w ere dism ayed by deviations from th is
c u ltu ra l sto ry, in clu d in g m any social com m entators, p o litic ia n s , m edical
personnel, relig io u s leaders, u n iv e rs ity ad m in istrato rs and p aren ts,
expressed extrem e concern th a t w h at aw aited th e drop outs was a fu tu re
o f fa ilu re , d am n atio n , indigence and disappointm ent.
A t th e o th er extrem e, T im o th y L e a ry , self-appointed spokesm an fo r
psychedelic d ru g users and "high p ries t o f LSD " (O n and O ff, 1966, p. 9 0 )
scoffed a t these w o rries. H e rid ic u led them as th e th in k in g o f a "m iddle-
aged, m iddle-class m enopausal m onolith" th a t was fe a rfu l o f th e effects o f
psychedelics because "an yth in g th a t changes consciousness is a th re a t to
th e established order" (L e a ry , 1966a). " It becomes necessary fo r us to go
out o f ou r m inds" he m ain tain ed , "in order to come to our senses" (L e a ry ,
249
1964b, p. 4). M uch o f w h at drop-outs le ft behin d — ru les , roles, ritu a ls ,
goals, languages, law s and valu es, along w ith accepted w ays o f
s tru c tu rin g space and tim e such as boundaries, schedules and possessions
— was p a rt o f w h at L e ary described as "games" th a t k e p t lives w ith in
predeterm ined p a tte rn sequences. U n d er th e in flu en ce o f th e psychedelics,
he claim ed, one could come to see th e "a rtifa c tu a l and c u ltu ra lly
determ ined" n atu re o f hum an b ehavior (L e a ry , 19 64, p. 9 8 ). B y tu rn in g on
w ith psychedelic drugs, one could recognize th e existence o f these gam es
and tu ne in to the w ay th a t "c u ltu ra l in s titu tio n s encourage th e delusions
th a t th e games o f life are in e v ita b le givens in v o lv in g n a tu ra l law s o f
behavior" (L eary, 1964, p. 100). T h e on ly sensible response to th is
re a liza tio n , Leary argued, was to drop ou t by refu sin g to p lay th e gam es o f
am b itio n and sym bolic a c tiv ity .
A nalysis o f th e N a rra tiv e s
F ive C asualties
In th e ir survey o f psychedelic drugs and th e h is to ry o f h um an
experiences w ith them , G rinspoon and B a k a la r (1 9 7 9 ) use th e w ord
"casualties" (p. 157) to describe those who experienced a ll types o f adverse
events re la te d to psychedelics, both im m ed iate and long te rm . I have
excluded from the category o f casualties persons who reported
experiencing unpleasant or d iffic u lt im m ed iate events and p a in fu l or
disturbed m ental states, as long as these d id n o t p ersist beyond th e drugs'
d u ratio n o f effect and th e period im m e d ia tely fo llo w in g its ingestion.
C asualty, as the term is used h ere, id e n tifie s a respondent who experienced

p ersisten t adverse sequellae th a t continued fo r m onths o r years fo llo w in g
one or m ore psychedelic experiences. W h ile eig h teen respondents in th is
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stu d y "dropped out" in one w ay or an o th er, o n ly fiv e described th is k in d o f
lo n g -term n e g ative sequel o f th e ir psychedelic d ru g use.
F re a k o u t, fra g m e n ta tio n and fe a r
F ra g ile in d iv id u a ls lik e M O ("A w o rld in w hich th ere is Presence."),
w ho describes a psychotic b reak o r "freakout," M S ("W a it a m in u te! T h is is
m y life "), who experienced a prolonged fe a r o f m adness, and D N (W ith th e
fire and th e S p irit" ), w ho saw his personal sto ry as one o f fra g m e n ta tio n ,
experienced prolonged an d d e b ilita tin g em o tio n al problem s fo llo w in g th e
in te rru p tio n o f th e ir self-understandings an d life p a ttern s by th e ir
experiences w ith psychedelics. In th e self-sto ries o f these th ree
respondents, d e trim e n ta l effects from psychedelic experiences are
described as h a v in g provoked or augm ented u n p leasan t m en tal states or
life crises. A lth o u g h a ll th re e m ain tain ed th a t th e ir psychedelic
experiences h ad p o sitive effects as w e ll, these respondents s e lf-id e n tifie d as
c a su a ltie s — persons w ho had experienced n o t on ly sh o rt-term adverse

psychedelic reac tio n s, b u t also negative sequellae exten d in g beyond th e
period o f im m e d ia te d ru g effects.
F a tig u e
The re la tio n s h ip o f psychedelic drug use to subsequent events is no t
necessarily one o f sole cause, how ever, and th e co ntrib utio ns o f o th er
facto rs rem ain q u ite u n clear. The d iffic u lty o f d isen tan g lin g how specific
d ru g effects an d p a rtic u la r personal processes com bine to create an
a p p ra is a l o f a d ru g experience as adverse o r b e n eficia l is illu s tra te d in th e
n a rra tiv e o f K M , th e self-sto ry o f h e r experience w ith chronic fa tig u e .
"Cold, Ic e , D e a th , D ead, G raveyard !"
K M had a com fortable and co nventional life as a w ife and m oth er
th a t w as p u n ctu ated by an episode o f "seeking, b ig tim e ” in h e r th irtie s and
25 1
fo rties. As a p a rt o f th is process o f seeking, she took psychedelics fo r th e
firs t tim e in a th erap y settin g in 1975. She had intended, before h e r firs t
and only L S D experience, to become p a rt o f a n etw o rk o f persons using
psychedelics in group settings fo r self-exploration, b u t h e r in itia l
experience was so “fu ll and ric h ,” so “to ta l” and so “assau ltive” th a t both
she and th e th erap ist agreed th a t she w ould not ta ke m ore L S D .
Some of th e insights gained th ro ugh h e r LS D experience have
stayed w ith her and have h ad la s tin g effects on her attitu d es :
I: D id you feel lik e th ere w ere changes in your life as a re s u lt o f havin g

had [th a t LS D ] experience?
R : I th in k th a t some o f th e edge o f fe a r about death w e n t aw ay. A nd I
w ould say th a t was the m ost, you know , pow erful experience fo r me.
A fte r th a t, other tim es w h en Fve gotten in to fe a rfu l places an d been
a fra id , it ’s ra re ly about m y ow n d eath now. I ’m often a fra id fo r m y
children, for m y g ran dch ildren , fo r somebody else. I h aven’t seem ed to
le t go o f th a t one! [laughs] B u t in term s o f fear o f m y ow n death , th ere’s
very little . I don’t lik e being in p ain, b u t th ere’s not a lo t o f fe a r o f
death. And I th in k th a t s ta rte d th a t process.
I: C an you say w h a t it w as th a t you realized? O r w h a t th e in s ig h t was
th a t you [had then]?
R : I t sounds crazy, b u t I liv e d th ro ugh death! [em phatic] A nd, um , it
w asn’t so bad! You know? O r, it was re a lly , re a lly te rrib le , b u t I lived
through it! You know? A nd I was re a lly te rrifie d ! A bsolu tely te rrifie d ! I
m ean, T error! You know , C old, Ice, D e a th , D ead, G raveyard ! B u t it's
sort o f lik e , once you've done it — I m ean, c h ild b irth re a lly h u rts!
[em phatic] B u t once you’ve done i t you’re not a fra id o f it. E ven i f you
know it ’s going to h u rt. Because you did it. So, th ere’s som ething gotten
from th a t. T h a t’s w h a t i t fe lt lik e , a little . I m ean, I don’t know how I ’d
be in a real circum stance [ if I w ere re a lly dying] b u t Fve been close
enough and sick enough th a t, yeah, th a t doesn’t seem lik e a th in g th a t
I fear.
I: A nd has th a t stayed w ith you?
25 2
R : T h a t has stayed w ith m e, yeah . T h ere are other things th a t I
th o u g h t would be forever, lik e kn ow in g about m y own m agnificence and
oneness w ith the universe, th a t I w ould say, flicker, die, come and go.
B u t I have moments!
K M la te r experim ented b rie fly w ith mushrooms, bu t fin a lly "found
w h a t she lik ed ” in M D M A . T h is she took repeatedly over a period o f about
10 years, stopping w hen she becam e ill w ith chronic fatigue syndrom e in
the m id -8 0 ’s.
I : A nd th en you stopped?
R : A nd th en I stopped. A nd, um , I stopped about tw elve years ago
because I got very sick. A nd one o f th e effects of th a t drug, I m ean,
besides the fact th a t, you know , i t ju s t sort o f wasn’t in m y m in d [to
ta k e m ore M D M A ] w as th a t, w h en I got sick, it fe lt very d e b ilita tin g
physically to me. E sp ecially as I passed fo rty and started [m enopause],
an d th en became fo rty -fiv e , w hich is w hen I got sick. And it seemed to
m e th a t every year th a t w en t by, th e physical effects of [M D M A ] w ould
ta k e longer to w ear off. A nd th e n I w ould be exhausted afterw ards.
A n d ju s t kin d o f a physical w reck fo r days! U p to a week afterw ard s.
A n d w hen I got sick, i t ju s t seemed crazy to p u t m y body th ro ugh th a t.
A n d you know, I never thought th a t i t was the cause o f m y illness, b u t
I wondered a t the tim e i f it w asn’t one o f the stresses a t the tim e. I
could p u t it on a lis t o f about tw elve things going on in m y life th en . I
don’t know. H I never know . B u t i t w as certain ly one o f the things going
on th en , and one o f th e things th a t I knew I couldn’t do afterw ards.
D u rin g h e r illness, she began using prescription pain relievers, to
w h ich she became addicted. A fte r years o f severe substance abuse she
en tered an in -p a tien t detoxificatio n program , and now participates in both
N A an d A A .
I : Do you have any plans fo r fu tu re use?

R : I plan to never ta k e drugs ag ain . A nd, um , there’s a loss in th a t for
m e. U m , it ’s a decision I have m ade based on other people’s experience,
[and th e program] saying to m e, u m , " If you take any drug you’re a t
25 3
ris k fo r ta k in g other drugs.” A n d w hen I th in k about it, I th in k , "W ell,
th ere are tw o possibilities. E ith e r th ey’re rig h t o r th ey’re w rong. I f
th ey’re w rong I have ju s t given up drugs.” A nd th a t, even though it
was useful and great, was n o t th e biggest p a rt o f m y life . I f th ey’re
rig h t, you kn ow , I ’m saving m y life . So it ’s lik e a n o -b rain er for me.
"Yes, I w ill give th a t up." You know? B u t on th e o ther hand I have
given up fa tty foods and a w hole o th er lo t o f s tu ff, too. A nd th ere’s a
loss in th a t, too. [laughs] So, no. I don’t see m yse lf ever doing it again.
B ut th e re ’s a lo t o f things I ’m never going to do again.
K M self-id en tifies as a drug casualty, b u t is unsure i f h e r use o f
psychedelics is p a rt o f h e r h isto ry o f d rug abuse, as she has been ta u g h t in
her Tw elve S tep recovery program , o r an experience o f a d iffe re n t kin d .
She is no t c e rta in w h eth er h e r M D M A use played a role in h e r
developm ent o f a chronic disabling illness. She has recovered from both
chronic fa tig u e and substance abuse, and now applies h e r experiences to
her w o rk as a counselor.
R : I feel k in d o f fa irly fearless in m y own being. M aybe i t has

som ething to w ith tu rn in g sixty, also. T h ere w as som ething very
lib e ra tin g about th a t. . . . M y life is p re tty good rig h t now. You know?
M y h e a lth is back. W hich is a m itzva h . A nd I ’m to ta lly g ra te fu l fo r it.
[laughs] I ‘m doing incredible, w o nderful w o rk w ith wom en a t a
recovery center near here. A nd I love m y [professional] w o rk w ith
these ladies. (K M , age 61)
K M 's life has been restru ctu red by th e process o f recuperation from
chronic illn ess and addiction. A lthough h e r psychedelic experiences had
value fo r h er, she has forsworn fu tu re d ru g use as a p a rt o f h e r personal
recovery from substance abuse problem s.
F ra c tu re
In other situations, th e im m ediate events around th e use o f
psychedelics m arked the life o f th e user in un m istakab le and irrevocable
254
ways. In th is study th e m ost extrem e exam ple o f th is k in d o f drastic
change is found in the n a rra tiv e o f X F , in w h ich an irre p a ra b le frac tu re
separates his life in to tw o d istin ct p a rts divided by a psychedelic
experience.
" I have re a lly gone over th e edge h ere!”
W hen X F took his fir s t psychedelic as a N avy re c ru it, he realized
th a t he could no t p a rticip ate in w a r an d k illin g . H e deserted from th e N a v y
and h itch h iked to C a lifo rn ia w here he had frien ds in th e H a ig h t A sh b u ry
whom he hoped w ould be able to h elp h im b u ild a new id e n tity . One m onth
a fte r he a rriv e d in the H a ig h t, he w as in ju re d d u rin g a psychedelic
experience d u rin g w hich a glim pse o f interconnectedness sent h im in to a
panic reaction.
R : B efore I go in to th e trip I should exp lain . I w as in a re a lly paranoid

place. I fu lly believed th e T V s tu ff th a t says no one ever gets aw ay
w ith b re a k in g a law in th is country! A n d I also re a lly believed in sort
o f the om nipotence o f th e big governm ent's m ind. I fig ured they'd be
able to trace m e, no m a tte r w h ere I was! I re a lly expected a t any
m om ent to have police crashing th ro u g h th e door! A t any second.
Cause I ju s t fig ured th ey had some m agical tra c e r on you, th ey could
fin d you everyw here! A nd so I w as ve ry paranoid in th a t w ay, and
feeling re a lly insecure So it was rig h t around J u ly 10th th a t I took th e
S TP . [As th e S TP started to ta k e effect], m y frie n d B . came back, and
by th e tim e he arrived I was re a lly s ta rtin g to ru sh , re a lly , re a lly
hard . A nd he was very upset th a t F ., his w ife had given me th e S TP .
A nd so a ll o f a sudden th ere was a lo t o f tension in th e room. B u t B.
realized th a t w h atever his likes o r d islikes, here w e w ere. A nd so he
started p la y in g m usic, and as I w as looking a t h im , I could see th e
energy com ing o ff from h im and h is m usic, and it w ould m eet m y
energy, and a ll o f a sudden his en ergy w ould be affectin g m e, and I
w ould be affected by his energy. I could see m y energy going out, and
h im being affected by m y energy. I re a lize d we w ere in some sm all w ay
255
creatin g each other, and havin g a re a l in te ra c tio n in each other's
changing an d developm ent. A nd in the w ay th a t psychedelics have,
w ith one th in g a fte r another, a ll o f a sudden I came colliding in to th e
notion th a t I am God! A nd everyth ing in m e, everyth in g logical in m e
ju s t locked up and said "That thought is one, insane, and tw o, it's
blasphem ous! I am not allow ed to be God! I cannot be God! I have
re a lly gone over th e edge here! T h is is not allow ed! This is re a l red
lig h t te rrito ry !" . . . and I started to ru n for th e fro n t door to get out o f
th e ap artm en t! B . had ju s t come in from th e outside and th e re was
broken glass outside and th ere w ere cops outside. One, he was w orried
about m e c u ttin g m y feet, cause I was barefoot. Tw o, he w as w o rried
about b rin g in g th e h e at, cause I was going to m ake a mess! I was
going to be a crazy kid ! A nd I was going to m ake a lo t o f noise, I was
to ta lly out o f control. H e couldn't le t me out. H e grabbed m e, and I
slugged h im w ith everyth in g I had in m y 18 y e a r old body, and a t th e
tim e I was in th e best shape, and I knocked h im down! A nd I w en t
ru n n in g back in to th e room. And in the fro n t o f th e fla t was a big
w indow . T h e re was a couch in fro n t o f th a t, and I ju s t w en t fo r it, w en t
ru n n in g fo r th e w indow , and dove over the couch and w en t s tra ig h t
through th e glass! A nd I w en t up and w hen I w en t out o f th e glass, I
w en t out o f m y body. A nd I was in ju s t pure lig h t. I was to ta lly
fre e . [long pause] I fe lt th is am azing release, lik e I had to ta lly gained
com plete id e n tity , and had been brought back in Buddah-hood, w hen I
heard a th u m p . A nd I opened m y eyes and [m akes loud clapp ing sound
w ith his hands] and I was back in m y body and I was on th e ground! I
was risin g on m y forearm s and knees. I w asn 't paralyzed ye t, and B.
cam e ru n n in g down th e stairs and he was an gry a t being h it! H e was
an gry a t m y out-of-controlness, and now I d e fin ite ly had brought th e
h e at, he was re a lly pissed! I was up on m y hands and knees, it seemed
lik e I had somehow m ade it through th a t, and he pushed m e down to
th e ground and I heard a snap. A nd th at's w hen m y neck, th at's w hen I
fin a lly , I m ean I th in k it was, I had shattered th e spine, b u t it h ad n 't
re a lly come a p a rt ye t. A nd th at's w hen it did. A n d I collapsed. . . I
fa in te d and I w en t out in the darkness. . . I w en t ou t in to to ta l, to ta l
blackness. I fe lt lik e a cold, lifeless rock in th e m iddle o f space. A nd it
was lik e so cold, so d a rk , and so alone. A nd I ju s t d id n 't w a n t to stay
256
there. So, I took a b rea th back in and found m yself lyin g on m y back,
looking up a t an x -ra y cone. A nd I could see these black rays coming
out of th is x -ra y come, and m y body was lik e a bonfire! I t was ju s t
nothing b u t b u m . J u st 'cause, I was paralyzed from the chest down,
and I d id n 't realize it. So, a ll I could feel was lik e th e super intense
am p lificatio n o f th e fe elin g th a t you get w hen your arm falls asleep.
Ju st th is intense pins and needles b u m . In m y m ystery play m ind, I
was in H e ll! Th ere was ju s t no w ay about it! I was in H e ll! [v e ry
em phatic] A nd every, i t was lik e the w hole o f E a rth had been changed
into th is gigantic prison camp! A nd I was in m ate #1! . . . A nd the
doctors came w ith a stainless steel d rill and b it, and pu t i t up to m y
tem ples. Cause th ey had to attach the halo [traction device]. A nd so I
was in ju s t th e ve ry beginning, o f an S TP trip . S T P frig g in g lasts 3
days! Y ou're peaking th e w hole firs t day! A nd th ey're ta k in g a d r ill b it
and d rillin g in to m y s k u ll. You know? A nd I could h e a r th e d rill b it
going in to m y skull. You know? A nd I ju s t, I figured th e deal was th a t
th ey w ere p lan n in g to d r ill m y b rain . T h a t th ey w ere going a ll the w ay
through! A nd so I ju s t la y back, and I w ill never forget the sound o f the
bone crunching! Ju st before th ey penetrated in to th e b ra in they
stopped and I fe lt th is am azin g relie f. A nd th en th ey w ent to the other
side and started over th ere, [heavy sigh] [begins to weep] A nd I m ade
it through th a t. A nd th ey attached the [halo tongs] th in g to m y head
and added w eights. So, I'm now lik e , in th is m ost m edieval in quisitio n
setting, you know? A nd th en B . comes in and says "Look, we gotta te ll
'em who you are!" Cause up to th en I had been using an alias. A nd so, I
said "Yeah, yeah, it's okay." A nd le t him te ll 'em. So, the next day an
am bulance came and th ey took me to th e N a v a l H o sp ital in O akland.
A nd I got th ere, I was s till trip p in g , b u t again I had reached th is real
peaceful place w ith it. I t was lik e I was doing okay. I t was very w eird ,
everyth ing seemed v e ry strange and tw isted , b u t I was kin d o f
strangely calm . B u t, I got to th e hospital and th is doctor th ere figured I
was trip p in g and fig u red I m ust be on L S D , and so th ey decided to give
me Thorazine. Th o razin e and S TP are not friends. B u t, w h ile
Thorazine w ould b rin g you down from acid, Thorazin e would actu ally
m ake S TP worse and gu arantee you w en t in to psychosis! . . . I
rem em ber seeing a ll around m e, ju s t lin ed up, alm ost lik e tie r a fte r tie r
257
in th is am p h ith eate r, everyth in g I had ever im agined from m y
childhood. F a irie s and elves, and cowboys and In d ian s and spacem en,
a ll th e paisley psychedelic stu ff. M y w hole im ag in atio n was arraig n ed
around m e [begins to weep] and I ju s t s tarted exhaling. A nd as I was
ex h alin g I rem em bered. A ll o f a sudden th e nam e o f Jesus came
th ro ugh w h ile I was exhaling. A nd so I ju s t started b reath in g out
"Jesus, Jesus" and a ll those figures little by little , w ith each exhale, it
was lik e th ey w ould tu rn in to birds. A t firs t lik e one or two, and th ree
and four o f 'em. And fin a lly th is huge convocation o f birds w en t up in
th e a ir and w en t flyin g over m e. I rem em ber seeing thousands and
thousands o f b lack birds ag ain st th is so rt o f sky. A nd w hen th e y a ll
le ft, it was lik e the roof closed in , th e re was no m ore sky, and I was
back in th e room for the firs t tim e. A n d I was to ta lly in the H e re . A nd I
w as fin a lly back in m y m ind , basically. A n d m y m other a rriv e d from
th e E ast Coast. And th a t was th e end o f th a t trip ! A lthough in a lo t o f
w ays, I never re a lly , I m ean I never got back in to m y body. [B eing
paralyzed is lik e ] being on th e top o f m y shoulders down to ju s t above
m y nipples, and I don't re a lly feel lik e th a t trip has ever re a lly ended.
Cause I'v e never. . . [begins to sob] I feel lik e it's s till in a holding
p a tte rn , and I'm lik e 3 feet from th e ground.
X F 's n a rra tiv e describes his re h a b ilita tio n and th e restru ctu rin g o f
his life around his desire to fin d a livelihood th a t would sustain h im and
allow h im to m ake a contribution to com m unity life w ith o u t having to "lose
[his] soul'" -- a desire th a t was also expressed by m ore th an h a lf o f the
o th er respondents.
R : O ne o f m y favo rite lines o f m ine from K u rt Vonnegut is "We are

w h a t we pretend to be" and I sort o f feel lik e , and ever since '67 I'v e
had th is sense th a t i f I could hold onto m y center, th a t an yth in g was
th en possible. As long as I had a reasonable function in the v illa g e ~
and th a t even though we liv e in large, com plicated societies, as fa r as
th e subconscious is concerned w e're s till liv in g in a village — A nd i f I
could fin d a role th a t would give me a livelih ood in the village, a role
th a t I w o u ld n 't have to lose m y soul doing, th a t I could fin d a place fo r
25 8
m yse lf in th is w o rld . And th a t was m y w hole object, was to be able to
keep a hold o f e te rn ity and be someone o f v a lu e to m y com m unity. A nd
not have it be a compromise for e ith e r side. T h a t I w o u ld n 't be sort o f
lik e th is sem i-com petent person th e co m m u n ity h ad to support and p u t
up w ith m e, because they lik e m e and fe lt so rry fo r m e. O r a complete
drag on th e com m unity. O r a user o f th e co m m un ity, who ju s t drew
from th e com m unity and never re a lly p u t m uch back. So the whole
tim e I'v e been w o rkin g on a ll the s p iritu a l s tu ff, I'v e also been try in g to
teach m yse lf how to play m usic. C ause I p layed drum s before I was
h u rt, b u t I n ever played any other k in d o f m usic. So, I bought a
keyboard and m y hands are paralyzed from th e accident, so I can 't
play n o rm al stu ff. I basically m ade up a m usic. B u t, I found a w ay to
p lay it w here o ther people could play along. O r I found a w ay to play
along w ith o th er people, so th ey d id n 't m ind m e p la y in g w ith them . A nd
anyhow , i t ju s t seems lik e since I fe lt in te g ra te d in m yself, a ll o f a
sudden a ll o f these other people are saying "H ey! W ho are you? Y ou're
very in terestin g !" B u t rig h t now it feels lik e m aybe th e firs t tim e in m y
life th a t I have a re a lly com fortable place an d a com fortable function.
A nd I can e a rn a liv in g being m e, w h ich has been w h a t I'd hoped to m y
whole life.
I: W ould you describe your w o rk in p ra c tic a l term s?
R : U m , I have a recording studio w h ich is rag g ed ly p u t together by
m e. It's not a technical wonder, b u t I so rt o f pieced i t together. B u t it
w orks. A nd I'm now being paid $50 a n hour to lis te n to music.
(X F , age 5 3 )
D espite a serious in ju ry th a t req u ired d ra m a tic changes in his life
plans, X F has restru ctu re d his life in a sa tisfyin g an d productive w ay.
A fte r a d ra m a tic reversal, he has m ade g ra d u a l, d eterm in ed and
successful progress to w ard a goal shared w ith m a n y o th e r respondents:
fin d in g e th ic a lly acceptable and m a te ria lly su sta in in g life w ork. W h a t had
been a trag ed y has been restru ctu red as a progressive n a rra tiv e .
D is ru p tio n , disconnection and developm ent
25 9
F o r these fiv e respondents, th e p o int a t w hich th e ir psychedelic
experiences in te rru p te d th e ir p a rticip atio n in c u ltu ra l n arratives was p a rt
o f a cascade o f d isru p tio n and dis-connection. T h e ir psychedelic
experiences w ere associated w ith frea ko u t (M O ), fe a r (M S ), frag m en tatio n
(D N ), fa tig u e (K M ) or frac tu re (X F ), a sig nifican t and unpleasant
in te rru p tio n o f th e ir lives th a t continued beyond th e psychedelic
experience. A ll o f these stories begin as stable or g rad u ally regressive
n a rra tiv e s . A t th e po int o f in te rru p tio n , the slope or direction o f these
n a rra tiv e s took an drastic regressive tu rn , and a ll describe long and
d iffic u lt processes o f restru ctu rin g . A ll o f these n a rratives, however,
become progressive as crises are surm ounted and lives re-p lotted and
reorganized. W ith th e id en tificatio n o f a self-chosen goal state — s p iritu a l
seren ity fo r M S , physical and psychic h ealin g fo r D N , a productive role in
th e com m unity fo r X F and M O , recovery from illness and addiction for K M
-- the n a rra tiv e slope shifts upw ard as lives are restru ctu red and the
n a rra to r's life is reorganized.
T h irte e n "drop outs"
D u rin g th e 1960's and 70's d ire consequences o f psychedelic drug
use w ere predicted fo r a w hole generation o f A m erican young people.
Psychedelic drugs w ere blam ed for m oving th e ir users tow ard an
"am o tivatio nal" state, as w e ll as for breakdowns in in ter-g en eratio n al
com m unications, p o litic a l radicalism , and unusual fashion statem ents. Tw o
respondents, O M ("A re a l capacity to love") and B H reported specific
encounters w ith a w o rried p aren t who, confronted w ith changed goals,
a ttitu d e s and appearance, im m ed iately asked i f drug use was th e reason.
B H , for exam ple, te lls the story o f h e r homecom ing a fte r her firs t ye ar o f
college:
260
'"Are you on drugs?'"
R: W hen I w ent o ff to college I had been a m ajorette in high school. I
was as s tra ig h t as you could probably, possibly im agine. I w ould have
been the las t person th a t anyone w ould suspect or an ticip ate th a t I
would become a hippie. The tran sfo rm atio n was p re tty rad ical. I w en t
o ff to school one w ay and came home [laughs] com pletely, very, very
differen t. M uch to m y parents dism ay! [laughs] And chagrin! I
rem em ber gettin g o ff the airp lan e and m y m other. . .
I: C an you describe that?
R : I w ent o ff to school, I was dressed in a little dress. I had on pumps
and, um , you know , w h at can I say? [laughs] M y h a ir w as curled! A nd
I came home w ith blue jeans and a s lin k y s h irt, and m y h a ir not curled
for the firs t tim e in m y life! A nd a peace sign hanging around m y neck.
. . I couldn't w a it to te ll everyone, in clud ing m y parents! So, w hen m y
m other picked me up a t the a irp o rt she d id n 't say an yth in g u n til we
got in the car. A nd as we w ere p u llin g ou t o f th e airp o rt, um , she
looked a t me and said, "Are you on drugs?" [laughs] . . . I don't know
exactly w h at was going on for her. I have often thought back and I'v e
often said th a t for m yself, personally, i f I w ouldn't have had L S D , um ,
a t a young age and the w ay th a t I did, I th in k th a t I w ould have, um ,
m any things in m y life probably w ould have been very, very d ifferen t. I
th in k I would have gone m uch m ore by some pre-prescribed route o f
w h at m y life was supposed to be lik e . (B H , age 50)
T h irteen respondents in th is study described them selves as havin g
dropped out in one w ay or another: K T ["The oneness o f life"], B H ["'Are you
on drugs'?"], E U ["One o f the defining experiences"], D B D ["I could do
som ething about it" ], B N ["A conflict o f archetypes"], O W ["Options to
change"], O M ["A re a l capacity to love"], H S [''Do som ething useful"], N M
["A sense o f doing good in th e world"], H E ["Developing m y h u m an ity"], H M
["Interned m ental m apping"], E N [" It was self-evident"], & T Q ["The
beginning of transform ation"]. Fo r them , th e in te rru p tio n o f th e ir lives th a t
occurred when th ey used psychedelics was follow ed by re- em plotm ent in a
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n a rra tiv e w ith a s im ila r b u t no t id en tical goal state, and d is tin c tly a
d iffe re n t script or p lot, m o tivated by d iffe re n t values and beliefs. A ll o f th e
respondents in th is group describe th e ir restru ctu red lives in term s o f a
steady and progressive m ovem ent to w ard m a tu rity , s e re n ity and
p ro d u ctivity in m iddle age.
The respondents w ho dropped out a ll claim ed th a t insights from
th e ir psychedelic experiences altered and refin ed th e ir specific goals. The
aggregate effect o f everyd ay choices m ade on th e basis o f altered values
and beliefs changed th e ir lives in ways th a t m ay have been subtle or
d ram atic, know n only to them selves or visible to others. K T , fo r exam ple,
describes the differences betw een h er own life and th e lives o f h e r sisters
w ho never took psychedelics.
"The oneness o f life"
R : I've never re g re tte d m y psychedelic experiences. I'v e never tu rn ed

back. I'v e alw ays k e p t m y h e a rt open and gone fo rw ard , [long pause]
Th at's m y p erso n ality, w h ile m y sisters, who w eren 't exposed to
[psychedelics], are v e ry conservative and very rig h t-w in g ! [laughs]
B u t, I've alw ays chosen th e path o f experim en tation, and w idening o f
m y sp irit. A nd th a t confidence has alw ays stayed w ith me. So, w hen I
had the LS D in such a d e lig h tfu l setting, i t only re-confirm ed w h a t I
alread y knew , and helped m e go th e next step in m y life path. I t w as a
trem endous tu rn in g p o int. You know? I w ould never see life as I kn ew it
visu ally, em otion ally, as I had before! I t had opened up th e oneness o f
life , o f God, Goddess, o f a ll th a t is! A nd I was connected to th a t in m y
own little w ay. A n d th a t knowledge, th a t a b ility to know , forever
changed m e. [em phatic] Forever changed me. Trem endous confidence
came from th a t. A n d it's a confidence I don't see in oth er m em bers o f
m y fam ily. (K T age 49)
Engagem ent and activism
262
W h ile social w ith d ra w a l an d p o litic al passivity w ere feared and
predicted as th e fa te of psychedelic "drop outs" th irty years ago, h a lf o f th e
respondents who described them selves as h a vin g dropped o u t also
discussed th e ir engagem ent in p o litic a l and social activism , and described
some role th a t th e ir psychedelic experiences had played in c la rify in g th e ir
desire to w o rk fo r a more ju s t society.
"I could do som ething about it."
One respondent, D B D , whose fa m ily o f o rig in w ere reservation-based
m em bers o f th e N a tiv e A m erican C hurch, o rig in a lly rejected atten dan ce a t
Peyote m eetings as "too C hurch-y," and "a bunch o f m issionaries." I t w as
not u n til th is in d iv id u a l had a deeply tran sfo rm ative experience w ith
psychedelics in an unstructured en viron m ent in th e H a ig h t A shbury th a t
m em bership in th e N a tiv e A m erican C hurch and th e ritu a l use o f Peyote
assum ed the in te g ra l place th a t i t now holds as a p rim a ry s p iritu a l p a th .
D B D re tu rn e d to live in a rem ote ru ra l N a tiv e A m erican com m u n ity ,
and has become a com m unity lea d e r, w o rkin g p rim a rily w ith issues o f
fa m ily violence, toxic pollution, and lac k o f educational o p p o rtu n ity. T h e
s h ift in perspective m ade possible by th e psychedelic experience, and in
p a rtic u la r the experience o f Peyote as a teacher and h e a le r o f th e
com m unity, allow ed D B D to see abuse and d iscrim in atio n as
circum stances th a t could be changed. D B D ta lk e d about th e in fluence o f
psychedelics on th e developm ent o f p o litical com m itm ent an d com m u n ity
involvem ent:
R : I am an ac tivist because o f th e conditions in m y com m unity, an d m y

h isto ry of being abused and d iscrim in ated against, b u t I couldn’t h ave
seen th a t i f I hadn’t taken [psychedelics] I t showed m e th a t I could do
som ething about it. (D B D , age
57)
26 3
A nother respondent, E N (" It was self-evident"), joined an in te n tio n a l
com m unity whose agenda in clud ed fam in e re lie f and ecological
su sta in a b ility, and spent years abroad as an aid w orker. H e describes his
role in life d in in g th is period as th a t o f a "sp iritu al revolutionary:"
R : I t was a new life . I h ad had some p re tty good jobs, b u t th ey w e re n 't

very satisfyin g in the long ru n . So m y n e xt vocation was as a s p iritu a l
revo lutionary. I chose th a t so as to b u ild a society th a t was fa ir and
ju s t. And I fe lt I could p a rtic ip a te , and th a t I didn't have to cash m y
brains in a t th e door to do it! A n d I th in k th a t psychedelics re a lly
m agnified th a t hum an experience. . . [they made me] feel lik e I'm a p a rt
o f a g reater com m unity w o rld w ide.
(E N , age 56)
D oubt and distress
Some respondents who dropped out o f th e ir social roles follow ing
psychedelic experiences, how ever, described areas of self-doubt and self-
deprecation w hen th e ir lives an d achievem ents are compared w ith w h a t
they see as conventional ones. M S ("W a it a m inute! This is m y life!") points
out th a t, w h ile h e r psychedelic experiences opened some new options fo r
her, th ey also foreclosed some opportunities. She restructured h e r life in
order to "live fo r th e m om ent" a fte r accepting and p a rtic ip a tin g in h e r
spouse's decision drop out. T h is decision, she feels, has brought h e r to
m iddle age w ith no m a te ria l secu rity or assets w ith w hich to provide fo r
the rest o f h e r life , a situ atio n she finds m ore tirin g th an lib e ra tin g as she
ages.
T Q ("The beginning o f tran sfo rm atio n ") reflected on how d iffic u lt it
m ust have been fo r his w ife and young ch ildren when he m ade th e choice to
rad ic ally change his life a fte r his firs t experiences w ith psychedelics. H e
points out, how ever, th a t fu n d a m e n ta l problem s in his m arriag e and w o rk
264
life w ould even tu ally have caused changes s im ila r to those precip itated by
his psychedelic experiences.
A sense o f fa ilu re to fu lfill expectations, w h eth er th e ir own or those o f
others has lin gered fo r some respondents. O ne respondent, H E , a
businessm an who has recently suffered some serious fin an cial losses, spoke
o f th e sense o f fa ilu re th a t he sometimes experiences w hen he th inks o f how
he has not m et conventional expectations, despite his self-know ledge th a t
he has been a success in other ways.
"D eveloping m y hu m anity."

I: T e ll me about your work?
R : M y work?
I: Y eah. W h a t have you done fo r w o rk in your life?
R : Good God! [heavy sigh] W h a t have I done fo r work? W e ll, [heavy
sigh] m y eyes ju s t fille d up tears because I have a profound sense o f
fa ilu re a t w ork. A t the hum an, a t th e w o rk o f being a hum an m ale, I'm
great. B u t, in th e sense o f economic w o rk, I th in k I'v e fa iled m iserably,
[heavy sigh] I'v e done various kinds of sellin g functions, I'v e sold men's
clothing, I'v e sold [laughs] encyclopedias, I'v e been a cook, I'v e been a
caterer, I'v e owned a restau ran t. I'v e ru n 2 restau ran ts. I'v e w orked a t
an a irlin e . I ta u g h t u n iversity e n try level courses as a lectu rer. I
ad m in istered psychological testin g and did career counseling fo r an
independent organization. U m , and m y w ife and I have had a business
w hich has been ra th e r successful, a c tu a lly , fo r th e past num ber o f
years. U m , and as I h ear m yself say those th ing s, I realize th ere has
not actu ally been th a t fa ilu re th a t I c a rry w ith me. And th a t o f course,
comes from an ea rly m ind set o f lin e a r tra c k in g and 'Y o u s ta rt here
and you go through a ll these processes and th en you're supposed to end
up over there!" A nd i f you don't end up over th ere, th en you did it
wrong! [very em phatic]
I: A nd th en you re tire .
R : A nd th en you retire! [very em phatic] R ig h t. A nd w h a t do you do
then? U h h u h , rig h t, [sarcastic] H uh ! A m azing. I have th is s e lf im age
th in g , u n like everybody else [laughs]
265
I: No! [feigns shock] [laughs]
R : [laughing]
I: I t sounds to m e lik e you don't necessarily define y o u rs e lf as your
career?
R : No. I c e rta in ly don't! [answ ers ve ry quickly] U m , I th in k th a t m y life
is, has been and w ill continue to be about developing m y h u m an ity.
A nd there is no end in sight.
I: Y ou're not going to re tire from th at?
R : N o. No. N o r am I ever going to get paid for it! I t belongs to me. T h is
is w h a t I'm here fo r. I'm not here fo r [heavy sigh] th e am assing of
w o rld ly treasures. A lth o u g h th ey're nice, you know? I m ean, I'v e had
nice things. I have nice things. I w ill probably continue to have nice
things. B u t, I don't need them .
(H E , age 65)
A sentim en t expressed by eig h t o f th e th irte e n respondents who
dropped out was th a t th e y m ig h t have been m ore prosperous i f th ey had
stayed in a conventional life plot. E N 's (" It was self-evident") statem ent
about th is combines a n aw areness o f th is sacrifice w ith a counterbalancing
statem ent about life satisfaction in a w ay th a t reflects th e p o in t o f view o f
these respondents:
R : B u t, a ll those experiences come down to, I'm re a lly curious ta lk in g

about a ll o f th is , about w h a t w ould have happened i f I d id n 't ever ta ke
LSD? W ould I feel th e same as I do rig h t now? I don't th in k I would. I
th in k i f I had bought in to [a conventional life plan] lin e , hook and sin ke r
I'd be rich er.
I: [laughs] A lm ost fo r sure?
R : [laughs] M oney-w ise. B u t, I'm happy as a m eadow la rk , I gotta te ll
you! [laughs] (E N , age 5 6 )
Some respondents w ho dropped out spoke d ire c tly o f w h a t they
assessed as b en eficial effects on th e ir m e n ta l and physical h e a lth as a
resu lt o f th e subsequent process o f re s tru c tu rin g th e ir lives. B N suggests
26 6
th a t e a rly exposure to th e psychedelics encouraged th e developm ent o f an
exam ined and self-aw are life:
"A co nflict o f archetypes."

I: W h a t is happening fo r me is th a t I th in k th a t I m ust have reached
th a t Ju n g ian point in m y life , w here I re a lize th a t any dis-ease, m e n ta l
dis-ease, or an y neurosis, I guess, th a t I experience in m y life is la rg e ly
a conflict o f archetypes. It's not pragm atic an y longer. I'v e had an
o p p o rtu n ity to m ake m y life w h a t I w an ted i t to be, and I'v e been
m oderately successful in doing it. So, the th in g s th a t are s till sources o f
struggle fo r m e in m y life are p rim a rily about who and w h a t I am , in
re la tio n to th e la rg e r com m unity. A nd even m ore im p o rta n tly in
re la tio n to th e w o rld o f archetypes, and those ideals a fte r w hich I'v e
trie d to fashion m yself, and th e s p iritu a l an d transpersonal dim ension.
I have been in an environm ent most o f m y life in w hich to become
fa m ilia r w ith th a t te rrito ry , because I s ta rte d o u t very young ta k in g
psychedelic drugs, and I have lived and w orked in various d iffe re n t
kinds o f collectives w here d iffe re n t people's b rain s operate on you, and
w ith a nu m b er o f psychiatrists and psychologists whose specialty is
en liven in g people's awareness o f th is k in d o f th in g . (8 N , age 50 )
W ith th e exception o f differences in th e ir m a te ria l circum stances, no
neg ative long-range im p act was id en tified by an y o f th e th irte e n "drop
outs" to have resu lted from changing or abandoning various conventional
personal and professional roles and expectations.
D iv e rg e n t p lo t sequences
The n a rra tiv e s o f eighteen o f the respondents in this study follow ed a
s im ila r general sequence: em plotm ent in a fa m ilia r c u ltu ra l n a rra tiv e ,
in te rru p tio n by events and insights related to psychedelic experiences, and
re s tru c tu rin g o f practices, attitu d es and plans to accom m odate new
in sig h ts and understandings. F o r th e re m a in in g fo u r respondents, one or
26 7
another elem ent o f the n a rra tiv e sequence o f e m p lo tm e n t , in terru p tio n and
re stru c tu rin g was not present.
T u rn on, Tune in tom orrow
For th re e o f these respondents, psychedelic experiences served to
change th e ir values and sentim ents and increase th e ir awareness o f
altern atives, b u t th ere was never a tim e w hen th ey broke w ith th e ir
extern al p a tte rn s or restru ctu red th e ir life scripts. Tw o o f these narrators
(E D , "True N a tu re ” and D B , "The bell to lls fo r thee") recognized the
im portance o f insights atta in e d a t th e tim e th a t psychedelics in terru p te d
th e ir fa m ilia r pattern s o f th in k in g , b u t in te rru p tio n never caused them to
re-em plot th e ir lives or to drop out. T h e in sigh ts and values associated
w ith th e ir psychedelic experiences w ere n o t re a d ily tran sferab le to the
practical re a litie s o f th e ir everyday lives. B oth o f these respondents tended
to keep the changes in th e ir attitu d es and ideas p rivate, and to conform
outw ardly to th e goals and roles o f th e ir co ntinuing and fa m ilia r life
scripts. Both te ll stories of present-day disap poin tm ent and fru s tra tio n
th a t th e ir lives do not embody insights gained from th e ir psychedelic trips,
and were not restru ctu red according to ideals th a t th ey hold m ost
im po rtant. The n a rra tiv e slope o f th e ir stories is regressive, o r stable a t a
low level o f personal satisfaction, despite re la tiv e success in th e ir
professional lives and in fu lfillin g th e ir fa m ily and com m unity
responsibilities .
O n ly one respondent (G M , "'How can th ey try to end th is beauty?"1)
related a continuously progressive n a rra tiv e in w hich the in te rru p tio n of
his h a b itu a l w ay o f seeing and u n d erstand ing th e w orld was successfully
tran slated w ith o u t restru ctu rin g in to a life guided by his psychedelic
268
insights. R a th e r th a n dropping o u t, he continued th e process o f education
and self-developm ent in w hich he was engaged w hen he firs t took
psychedelics th irty years ago, accepting th a t progress to w ard a c tu a lizin g
his ideals w ould come very slow ly. H e has continued to use psychedelics
re g u la rly fo r th e ir pow er to renew his o rig in al "vision o f oneness" and th e
sense th a t th is gave h im th a t his w o rk "could also be som ething th a t w ould
change th e w orld." H e describes h im s e lf as both m a te ria lly and s p iritu a lly
com fortable today. H is story has a very g rad u al progressive slope, as it
has ta k e n h im decades to reach a p o int of ac tu alizatio n o f his dream s and
insights
A life lived fo r keeps
A single p a rtic ip a n t in th is study experienced no in te rru p tio n in life
script a fte r exposure to psychedelic drugs. A psychedelic vision o f
interconnectedness and u n ific atio n was able to be in te g ra te d w ith o u t
in te rru p tio n in to M A 's home tra in in g , fa m ily values and childhood
experiences. M A grew up accustomed to the existence o f a lte rn a te
re a litie s , sp irits and pow erful plants. For M A , psychedelic experiences
produced n e ith e r a sig nifican t a lte ra tio n in th e life course no r in p a tte rn s o f
th in k in g . In a life in w hich awareness o f new dim ensions o f consciousness
w ere able to be in teg rated w ith o u t in te rru p tio n , th ere has been no loss o f
m om entum or opportunities for grow th, as th ere w ere few old h abits and
p attern s to unpick before new insights could be acted upon in a p ractical
w ay. M A has been fo rtu n a te in h a vin g been able to in te g ra te psychedelic-
derived understandings in to an alrea d y coherent s e lf-n a rra tiv e o f in te r
connectedness, and has become a pow erful h ealer. M A 's life -w o rk is to
support others th ro ugh th e process o f self-tran sfo rm atio n , p a rtic u la rly
tran sfo rm atio n s catalyzed by psychedelic drugs.
26 9
M A 's n a rra tiv e is o f a continuously progressive sto ry in w h ich th e re
has been an "abundance o f stillness and serenity." As a counselor w o rk in g
w ith people who are using psychedelics th e ra p e u tic a lly an d fo r s p iritu a l
grow th, M A uses th e insights gained in personal psychedelic experiences
along w ith conventional th e ra p e u tic tra in in g and technique to assist clients
"to be fu lly present an d responsible fo r th e ir experiences." M A 's w o rk
assists others to open, un der th e influence o f psychedelics, to "the s p iritu a l
connection to a ll liv in g things." Psychedelic d ru g fa c ilita te s a w illin g
in te rru p tio n o f personal n a rra tiv e s th a t can provide an o p p o rtu n ity "to see
th e other side o f th e story," and engage in an ongoing process o f
re s tru c tu rin g and re-em p lo tm en t. In M A 's n a rra tiv e , th is process
em phasizes acceptance o f s e lf and others, and inform s a life in w hich
events can be w itnessed as p a rt o f one's personal process in a non*
ju d g m en tal w ay.
S ub sidiary them es
In a ll, analysis o f th e tran scrip ts o f th e tw e n ty tw o in te rv ie w s
disclosed tw e n ty th ree m ajo r them es th a t occurred re p e a te d ly in the
p articip an ts' n a rra tiv e s , b u t none w ith th e frequency o f th e core them e o f
interconnectedness. Some specific them es th a t w ere spontaneously
m entioned by m any respondents included: th e differences betw een various
psychedelic drugs, and betw een psychedelics and o th er drugs; th e
characteristics o f a psychedelic "guide" -- e ith e r one who h a d guided th e
respondent, or an id e a l guide w ho should be chosen fo r such service; and
schools o f th oug ht about how to use psychedelics, how to p rep are, and w h a t
to do w h ile un der th e ir in fluence. S everal o f these are in trig u in g and robust
enough fo r fu rth e r analysis, and w ill be addressed m ore fu lly in fu tu re
papers rep o rtin g th e resu lts o f th is study.
270
In ad d itio n to those raised spontaneously by p articip an ts, I probed
in in terview s fo r tw o a d d itio n a l themes: disclosure o f psychedelic drug use,
and questions o f w h a t young people should be told about psychedelic drug
use and about ille g a l drugs in general. In n e ith e r of these cases did I fin d
w h a t I expected. I h ad an ticip ated th a t respondents w ould be fa r m ore
concerned about le g a l jeo p ard y or professional ram ificatio ns related to a
h isto ry o f psychedelic drug use th an th ey described them selves to be; and
p articip an ts provided fa r few er specific instructions fo r youth about how
psychedelics should be used th a n I im agined th a t they w ould. Tw o o f these
them es: disclosure o f psychedelic drug experiences and instructions and
in fo rm atio n about psychedelics provided by various social worlds and
contexts o f use w ill be w ill be b rie fly review ed here.
D isclosure
Psychedelic experiences are not a p a rt o f every day conversation for
m ost people. M a n y o f th e respondents in th is study, even those who claim
to have been m ost deeply touched by th e insights achieved, stated in th e ir
in terview s th a t th e y never or very ra re ly ta lk about th e ir psychedelic
experiences. W hen asked w ith whom he had discussed his psychedelic
experiences, O M ("A R eal C ap acity to Love") provided a response th a t
reflects the sen tim en t expressed by about h a lf o f the respondents: Th ere is
no need to purposely conceal a history o f psychedelic d ru g use and not
m uch to fe a r from its disclosure.
I: W ho knows about th e fa ct th a t you have had these experiences?

R : U m , probably ju s t people th a t w ere th ere a t the tim e. I m ean, it ’s
not som ething th a t I re a lly ta lk about anym ore. A t a ll. I t doesn’t seem
to come up m uch in conversation.
I: C an you say w h y th a t is?
271
R : [pauses] U m , no. I t ju s t seems to be, in term s o f m y peers, no. I don’t
know w hy th a t is. [em phatic] I re a lly don’t. I t ju s t doesn’t seem to be,
um , it ’s an in terestin g question! I m ean, I don’t have the answ er to it,
b u t I can’t rem em ber having a conversation. I m ean, som etim es F ll
ta lk about havin g mushrooms or som ething, th e re w ill be some sort o f
references. N o t too much to acid or m escaline o r those sorts o f th ing s.
A nd, um , yeah, it ju s t doesn’t seem to happen.
I : Is th ere any reason to conceal those experiences?
R : [answers quickly] No! [em phatic]
I: W ould you be harm ed i f people in your w orkplace say, knew th a t you
had done those things?
R : [answers quickly] No. No. N o t th a t I know of. I ’m try in g to th in k .
W h a t firs t comes to m ind is m y funding sources. B u t, I don’t even
th in k . . . I don’t th in k it would be a problem fo r m y w ork a t a ll.
[em phatic]
O M , age 57
O M has atta in e d a personal and professional s ta tu re th a t is not th reaten ed
by questions o f w h at social norms he vio lated, o r w h a t laws he m ay have
broken in his youth. H is psychedelic experiences sim ply never come up.
They are not salien t in his contem porary social w o rld .
W h ile non-disclosure seems to be the norm , th ere are c e rta in ly those
for whom psychedelic experience is salien t, an avowed and visible p a rt of
th e ir public id e n tity . B H ('"Are You O n Drugs?"') described th is d is tin c tly
d ifferen t perspective on disclosure, a perspective shared by th ree o th e r
p articip ants in th is study:
I: W ho in the social environm ent in w hich you're liv in g in a t th e

present tim e knows th a t you're a user o f psychedelics?
R : U m , I w ould say probably m ost o f th e people who know me.
[em phatic]
I: People w ith whom you work?
R : W e ll, because I'm self employed and I'm no t in a corporate w o rld or
th a t kin d o f th ing , um , yes. Yeah.
272
I: Y o u r fam ily?
R : M y fa m ily .
I: Y o u r fa m ily o f origin?
R : U m , hum . (yes)
I : Is th e re anybody from w hom you try to keep i t secret?
R : O th e r th a n th e police [laughs] let's see, I fe el people out. I'm alw ays,
um , w hen I m et new people or new circles o f people it's one o f those
things th a t seems to fin d its w ay in to a conversation somehow. A nd
th en th ere seem to be in dicators and cues th a t get passed, th a t you
realize you can say th is. A nd also, I feel th a t, um , m y life has had so
m any o th er dim ensions to i t th a t w en t beyond ju s t th e H ip p ie, th e p a rt
o f m e th a t was th e H ip p ie . T h a t I have a c e rta in c re d ib ility in th e
w orld so th a t I can stand up a t th is age and say, "Yeah, w ell, as a
m a tte r o f fact, I do. A nd yes, as a m a tte r o f fa ct, it's not ju s t som ething
th a t I did th irty years ago. B u t, yes, I s till do it. A nd I fin d i t to be very
effective." A nd it's in te re s tin g to m e th e, um , nu m b er o f people who
m aybe trie d it a few tim es [a long tim e ago], w ho th en become
in terested in re v is itin g th a t place. O r th ey never did, for w h atever
reason, and are in terested [now]. So yeah, I a c tu a lly , in the la s t
num ber o f years, have m ade an e ffo rt to try to be m ore public about
th a t. A bout psychedelics, in p a rtic u la r. (B H , age 50)
I t is not u n heard o f fo r a psychedelic d ru g user w ho has dem onstrated
sig nifican t achievem ents to speak out pu blicly from a position o f re la tiv e
safety about th e role o f psychedelic d ru g use in his or h e r life . K a ry M u llis
(Nobel P rize L a u re a te in C h e m istry, 1993), for exam ple, has often said
publicly th a t he w ould have been fa r less in ven tive and in sig h tfu l w ith o u t
the influence o f psychedelics (M u llis , 1998).
M ost histo ric users do not disclose so freely. I t is in terestin g to
speculate as to w hy th is m ig h t be so. F o r some, th e re are legal and
professional issues to be considered. A ll o f the respondents in th is study,
even those few who have h ad le g a lly sanctioned psychedelic experiences in
a research, th erap y o r religious context, have had one or m ore ille g a l
273
psychedelic experiences as w e ll. Som e respondents are subject to sanction
by a professional licensing board, or are expected to m a in ta in a h ig h le v e l
o f conform ity under in ten sive professional scru tiny, w h eth er fo rm al, as in
th e case o f background checking in N M 's n a rra tiv e , o r in fo rm a l, as in th e
jo c u la r references to a h isto ry o f d ru g use by D B 's drug-counselor co
w orkers. One respondent, H S , is a senior s ta ff m em ber in an o rg an izatio n
stro ngly com m itted to to ta l d ru g abstinence as a m odel o f recovery fro m
substance abuse. A nother, B N , w orks in an en viro n m en t w here pre
em ploym ent drug screening is in use. W h ile these respondents w ould
probably not be expelled from th e ir em ploym ent settings or th e ir social
w orlds i f th e ir psychedelic histories w ere w id ely know n, th e ir life-w o rld s do
not encourage disclosure.
F iv e o f the respondents who a re contem porary psychedelic d ru g
users described other concerns about disclosure. F o r th em , disclosure is
com plicated by th e possibility th a t reve alin g past psychedelic drug use
m ig h t serve to draw a tte n tio n to c u rre n t ac tivities th a t are subject to le g a l
sanction. In addition, p a rticip an ts w ho had had extensive personal
experience w ith lesser-know n p la n t psychedelics such as San Pedro cacti
and S a lv ia D ivin o ru m and tra d itio n a l preparations o f psychoactive p la n ts
such as ayahuasca pointed ou t th a t th e uses o f these substances in vo lve
some special knowledge o f th e ir properties and p rep aratio n , and po inted
out th a t th ere w ere both physical an d psychic dangers in m isusing these
p o w erfu l allies. B oth users o f p la n t psychedelics and o th er p a rticip an ts
also m entioned th a t social disap proval o f p la n t sham ans, w itches and o th e r
p rac titio n e rs o f heterodox h e a lin g m ethodologies has h isto ric ally m ade
id e n tific a tio n as a m em ber o f one o f these groups ra th e r dangerous. A n
exam ple o f th is perspective is provided by K S ("The oneness o f life"):
274
I: Do you fin d you have d iffic u lty ta lk in g about your experiences?
R : N o t a t a ll. [answers quickly] [laughs]
I: B u t, you don't often ta lk about it?
R : Depends on w ho th e lis ten er is. I f I feel th a t the lis te n e r is listening,
num ber one, and th a t i t is being heard w ith an open m in d. It's no one
else's business o r experience b u t m y own! So, unless I w a n t to share a
piece o f m y in n e r self...A nd these tim es are tim es o f ...[pause]... W e're
s till in th e b u rn in g tim es! A nd th is is dangerous knowledge! I t is
knowledge th a t is very pow erful. So, I don't share it because of th a t. I
don't share it w ith people th a t I would love to share it w ith , it's too
dangerous!
I: Do you ever fin d th a t i f you decide to ta lk about th is p a rt o f yourself
w ith somebody an d th en you get a surprise a t the reception th a t you
get? L ik e e ith e r th ey don't get it, or th ey don't lik e it?
R : I don't ta lk about i t w ith anyone th a t I have any question about.
I: So, you have some w ay o f know ing who you can ta lk about it w ith?
R : O h, yeah! I on ly ta lk about it w ith m y in n e r circle. W ith m y tribe.
I: A nd how do you know who th a t is?
R : W e ll, m y trib e is a group o f friends th a t experience tru th and
honesty together. W e celebrate equinox and solstice together. It's a
very in n e r fa m ily , a group o f friends.
I: So, w hen you say yo u r trib e , your ta lk in g about a group o f people
w ith w hom you have a cerem onial life?
R : T h at's rig h t.
I: A nd th a t is q u ite overt, it's not a fe elin g you have about some
people?
R : No, no, no. It's overt. A nd we m ake tim e together, w e gather a t
those tim es. T h ey are re a lly the only ones, other th a n groups of women
th a t a re opening up know ledge o f sacred m edicines. W here the
knowledge w ill be k e p t secret and is not ever shared w ith anyone else.
I: B u t th a t also is a fo rm al settin g in w hich th ere is agreed upon...
there's an overt...?
R : A greed upon silence.
I: Y eah. So it's no t lik e you get the vibe o f th e person th a t you pass
your clothes to across th e counter a t th e d ry cleaners an d decide to
discuss i t w ith them ?
275
R : N o t a t a ll. N o t a t a ll. Because th is is d ealin g w ith know ledge th a t
can a lte r your life . (K T , age 49)
E ven for persons who are not subject to leg al or professional censure
on th e basis o f th e ir drug use histories, or engaged in esoteric practices,
th ere are other considerations th a t discourage discussion o f th e
psychedelic experience. In constructing a life n a rra tiv e , "in dividu als
exclude experiences th a t underm ine the c u rre n t id en tities th ey w ish to
claim " (Reissm an, 1993, p. 64). Psychedelic d ru g use is d iffic u lt to
incorporate into the life n a rra tiv e o f m any stable and successful m iddle-
aged A m ericans. F o r exam ple, two respondents who are g ran dp arents
said th a t th e ir ch ildren had expressly requested th a t th ey n o t discuss th e ir
h isto ry o f psychedelic drug use w ith th e ir gran dch ildren .
N e a rly h a lf o f th e respondents m entioned ways in w hich language
and cu ltu re lim it th e exten t to w hich these experiences can or should be
disclosed. Nuances o f occurrences fa r outside th e common m ay be lost
w hen attem pts are m ade to describe them u sing o rd in ary language and
lim ite d vocabulary, and some respondents fe ared th a t try in g to describe or
explain th e experience by com paring it to know n events such as religious
ritu a ls or s p iritu a l practices m igh t ac tu a lly serve to cheapen som ething
in effab le and precious. Some participants also said th a t th ey a re not
forthcom ing about th e ir psychedelic experiences in p a rt because th ey do
not w ish to explain them , argue about them o r be called upon to ju s tify
them .
A no ther in trig u in g reason w hy psychedelic experiences th a t have
had a deep and tran sfo rm ative im pact on th e user should rem ain
undisclosed was offered by five respondents. T h ey are not sim ply secret,
they a re sacred, and the sacredness o f th e experience requires th a t it be
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trea ted w ith g re a t delicacy and respect. N M ("A sense o f doing good in th e
w orld") explained some o f these reasons fo r non disclosure:
R : [D u rin g m y firs t L S D experience] I rem em ber th in k in g , “I ’d b e tte r

act norm al because I ’m not! I ’m not no rm al, and I am a God-
consciousness.” A lth o u g h I d id n ’t use those w ords, b u t you know , I
sensed th is in cred ib le th in g th a t is th e re . “I t ’s alw ays th ere. I t ’s
alw ays been th ere. I never kn ew it before, and now I know it. A nd
isn ’t th a t great? I ’d b e tte r be q u ie t about it.” [w hispering]
I: B u t can I b rin g you back to som ething you w ere saying a m in u te
ago,? You w ere sayin g how m uch you re a lly ap p reciated the
op po rtu nity to ta lk about this.
R : [em phatic] U m , hu m . U m , hum .
I: A nd how it ’s not som ething th a t re a lly has m uch o f a place in your
ord in ary life as you happen to be liv in g i t a t th is m om ent?. . . W hy is
it th a t way? I m ean, w h a t is i t specifically? Is i t th a t...?
R : I th in k th e re ’s tw o parts. O ne is th a t th ere is a m o ral ju dgm en t
from those who have had no experience w ith L S D . T h ey lum p it in
w ith a ll d ru g use. [em phatic] Cocaine, heroin an d L S D . O r the
fa m ilia r one th a t L S D or m a riju a n a leads to h a rd e r stuff. The other
th in g is th a t I k in d o f refuse to allow som ething so im p o rta n t to be
ridiculed! [em phatic] A nd th a t’s w h a t I th in k happens w hen w e try
and ta lk to [a person whose] life is very poor in ric h n ess. N o t in
m oney, b u t in a sense o f h avin g an enriched life o f th e m ind th a t the
s p irit and th e soul. I re a lly feel a sense o f e n title m e n t because I got
to do th is, because th is experience happened to m e. I t could have so
easily passed me by! Because I ’m an older person th a n m ost o f those
who are involved w ith th is. I could have gone to [College] and been in
a sorority and I w ould have m issed th e w hole th in g ! [em phatic] A nd I
w ould never have know n th a t I missed it! N ow th a t I did get to [have
it happen], I feel lik e I ’ve been touched. A nd I re a lly d o n ’t w a n t
anyone to — not ju s t say, “You’re a bad g irl fo r h a v in g done drugs
w hen you w ere in yo u r 20’s” -- b u t to ridicu le or to m ake less the
experience th a t I had! W hich was re a lly w h a t relig io u s people who
go on a “s p iritu a l p a th ” aspire to th e ir w hole lives! I did n ’t have to
m ed itate fo r 30 years as a w ay to get e n lig h ten m e n t. I got to do it
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[w ith psychedelics] A nd I re a lly don’t w a n t to present th a t to a state
o f m in d th a t can’t conceive o f it a t a ll! [em phatic] O r i f a t a ll, as th e
re s u lt o f 20 or 30 years o f d ep rivatio n , m editatio n on a h a rd flo or or
som ething, [lowers h e r voice] A nd I ju s t, you know , got it! T h a n k
God! I am so th a n k fu l th a t I was a t th e rig h t place a t th e rig h t tim e!
B u t I don’t re a lly w a n t...I love to ta lk about i t w ith those who have
had it. O r those who never did ta k e L S D b u t re a lize th a t it was a
w o nderful th in g , [em phatic]
I: N ow stop a second and th in k about th a t. I th in k I understand
w h a t you ju s t said. B u t you said th e re w ere 2 parts? Do you w a n t to
try ta lk in g about th e o th er one?
R : O h, w e ll those, th ere’s th e m o ralistic sense o f "You’re a bad g irl."
A nd th e second p a rt is th a t th ere are a lo t o f people who even i f th ey
d id n 't have a m o ral ju d g m en t on it, th ey w ould rid icu le it. Those are
th e tw o p arts.
I : N ow w h a t do you th in k happens w hen you ta lk about it to
somebody who does share it?
R : Y ou know , I have found, I th in k th a t w h at’s happened is th a t
w h enever I fin d someone who has h ad a s im ila r experience and we
fig u re th a t out about each other, th a t I ’m so re v e re n tia l about it
th a t, m y voice deepens and I ta lk slow er. . . You know , I th in k re a lly
th a t w h a t happens is th a t it, we can ta lk about it once. W e can refe r
to it in n u m erab le tim es, bu t it ’s alm ost w ith o u t words, [speaking
v e ry softly] I t ’s alm ost a, to ta lk about it is to have it be red u n d an t. I
m e a n ...
I : R edundant?
R : Y eah , th a t ou r words are descriptions, I know you have had th e
experience w ith L S D , fo r instance. W e have had experiences th a t
have touched th e essence o f being and we have come back from th a t
in ta c t. W ith th e a b ility perhaps o f exp lain in g it or o f en circlin g it.
D escribin g it som ew hat. B u t re a lly ,... we know ,...w e know w h a t i t is
and th e re ’s re a lly nothing to ta lk about. The experience o f h avin g , o f
being in a state o f en lig h ten m en t re a lly doesn’t have vocabulary,
[em phatic] I t is, or i t is not.
278
I: So m y specific question is th is. C an you k in d o f by unpacking and
looking a t and sh akin g out and th en refolding and re-p acking the
experience dam age it?
R : N o t w ith you. N o t w ith [someone who shares it]. B u t I feel very,
very protective o f it w ith people who I don’t know w ell. O r, you know,
you can know someone w e ll in 20 seconds! U m , b u t I w ould never,
uh, I would never display it in a, in a circum stance w here
I...P rotectiveness is p a rt o f it. U m , re v e re n tia l is p a rt o f it. I t
doesn’t , . . I don’t .. I re a lly don’t w a n t it to be subjected to norm al
discussion. O r n o rm al objective [scrutiny], “W ell , le t’s fin d o u t w h a t’s
wrong w ith th a t. I ’m gon n a argu e w ith that, [italics in dicate a
mocking tone] I ’m gonn a take a p a r t o f it a n d I ’m gon n a separate
th a t experience out. A n d I ’m gon n a ask you how in the w o rld you
could have th a t experience? H ow in the w o rld co u ld you have the
experience o f everyth in g is One?” You know? “T h a t’s som eth in g th a t
only people w ho are deeply d ep rived o f food a n d w a te r fo r 8 d a y s can
have. H ow can th a t happen to you?” I don’t w a n t to have to do th at!
[emphatic] I don’t w a n t to have to exp lain , I don’t know th e answers.
I can’t prove it. Perhaps, i t defies proof.
(N M , age 56)
A Japanese saying about th e practice o f Zen m e d ita tio n sums up this
perspective: M ise m ono j a nai. G ary S nyder tra n s la te d th is lite ra lly as:
"This is not for show." C o llo q u ially it m eans som ething lik e: "This is not
im proved by the ad d itio n o f an audience."
Psychedelic "schools" and sk ills fo r trip p in g
O f the tw en ty tw o respondents in th is study, eleven have been
participants in one o r m ore social w orlds or fo rm al stru ctu res in w hich
psychedelics w ere used according to a p a rtic u la r s tru c tu re , fo r a stated
purpose, in a certain en viron m ent, or w ith a specific group. Some these
groups are publicly recognized and w ritte n about, and have been described
in C hapter Two. Tw o o f th e best know n are the M e rry P ran ksters and the
27 9
League fo r S p iritu a l Discovery. Tw o p a rtic ip a n ts who had experienced
both o f these groups described th e ir im pressions o f th e differences betw een
th e "W est Coast" and "East Coast" approaches to psychedelic d ru g use.
T h e League and The P ranksters
H M ["In te rn a l m ental m apping"] had previously lived in C a lifo rn ia
w here he had smoked m a riju a n a as p a rt o f a B eatn ik social w o rld . S h o rtly
a fte r his firs t psychedelic experience he m oved to N ew Y ork, w here he
becam e involved w ith the League fo r S p iritu a l Discovery. H e described his
im pressions o f how w h at he called "schools" o f psychedelics use differed:
In th e beginning o f the use o f psychedelics it came out o f tw o "schools."

The League fo r S p iritu a l Discovery on th e E ast Coast, and th e
P ranksters on th e W est Coast. W e ll, th e "Eastern School" was m uch
more th e incense and the sitars and T h e T ib etan Book o f th e D ead, th a t
type o f an approach. A t th e tim e o f th e P ranksters it seemed lik e th ey
w ere people w ith m uch m ore o f a "Keep laughing, you can survive
anything" k in d o f approach, b u t, one th a t gave th e im pression th a t
you’re in a safe place. You know? T h a t no thing is so w eird th a t, you
know , we can’t understand it here, o r th a t would m ake you unsafe
here. (H M , age 62)
O W , who was liv in g in C a lifo rn ia w hen he firs t encountered
psychedelics, w as p rim a rily influenced b y th e M e rry P ran ksters or th e
"W est Coast school" o f how psychedelics should be used.

R : Th is whole set and settin g th in g , th e settin g th a t we alw ays w ere in
was we w ould do substances and ju s t go out on the street. W e d id n 't
tend to be p a rt o f the crowd th a t m ade a nice, little cozy place w ith
bells and chimes* and incense. W e ju s t took the s tu ff and got in th e car
and w en t places. I th in k th a t was probably w hy I was com fortable in
the Kesey scene. Because th e w hole P ra n k s te r scene ju s t took drugs
and did a n y th in g th a t came to m ind . F irs t was th e E ast C oast
M illb ro o k scene, th a t was sort o f m ore in to s ittin g and m e d ita tin g and
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h avin g a good experience. A n d g e ttin g high in the rig h t w ay. . . I th in k
th ere w as some crossover because w e w ere q u ite fond on th e T ib e ta n
Book o f th e Dead and in a lo t o f o ur e a rly acid experiences, we found
th e Book o f the D ead a g re a t com fort. . . I t w as one o f th e P ra n k s te r
m ottoes th a t was carved on th e g re a t round table a t L a H onda. A n d
th e m otto was "A n yth ing as lo ng as it's intense." . . .A nd speaking o f
th a t, one of the things th a t I fe lt th a t I learn ed was th a t I was b e tte r o ff
to ta k e a large dose and ju s t g et o u t th ere, th a n to get caught in some
place w here I was re a lly b u zzin g , p aranoid, and not re a lly q u ite
g e ttin g o ff and ju s t a lit tle b it confused and messed up! T h at's th e le a s t
a ttra c tiv e place I found m y s e lf on acid. A nd so I'v e know n a lo t o f
people who say " I'll ta k e 50 mics" and go to a concert. B u t, I, m yself, I
can't im agine it! T h a t w ould p u t m e a t th e le v e l of ju s t seeing th e b ad
games people play, and m ake m e e x trem ely uncom fortable and w is h I
w eren 't there. B u t, es sen tia lly i f I a te a lo t o f acid, it seemed to ju s t
blow a ll th a t aw ay.
I: How did you fig u re th a t out? B y doing, by try in g to ta k e a little ?
R: U m , I th in k it's o f m in o r im po rtance in m y trip p in g life cause m aybe
somebody said "W hy don't you ju s t ta k e a little? " A nd I did and I th in k
w h a t I found was ta k in g a larg e dose was th e sm art th in g to do. C ause
it seemed to get you in to o rb it, I guess. (O W , age
63)
The F a rm
A th ird w ell know n an d w e ll docum ented social w o rld in w h ich
psychedelics played a p ivo tal ro le is T h e F a rm , a group th a t began in th e
H a ig h t A shbury and la te r m oved as a group to ru ra l Tennessee. E N [" It
was self-evident"] was one o f those w ho took p a rt in this move, and la te r
liv ed fo r a num ber o f years w ith th is group in Tennessee. H e explains how
psychedelics inform ed th e style o f re la tin g to one another th a t m em bers o f
th is group practiced as p a rt o f th e ir com m unity stru ctu re.
28 1
R : One piece o f fo lk lo re about psychedelics was th a t psychedelics are
teachers and i f you d o n't le a rn w h a t it teaches you and you ta k e it
ag ain , then it w ill teach you a little b it h a rd er! And i f you ta k e it again,
it 'll teach you a little b it h ard er, [laughs]
I: I have heard th a t! [laughs]
R : U n til, i f you to ta lly ignore w h a t it's try in g to teach you it w ill ju s t
m ake you nuts!
I: Do you th in k th a t w h a t you a ll w ere doing a t the F a rm had some
components o f th e ra p e u tic endeavor?
R ; A bsolutely! A bsolu tely.
I: C an you say som ething about that?
R : I th in k th a t our agreem ents on the F a rm were th a t th ere was
n o th in g th a t could n o t be spoken of. I t w as a psychic n u d ist colony and
w e fe lt we had been so perverted from o u r orig in al trib a l states as
hu m an beings th a t w ho kn ew w h a t was re a l anymore? A nd th a t the
on ly w ay to fin d out about it was to have an open m ind. A nd w eigh a ll
things. And be able to say w h a t was on one's m ind. T h a t was one o f the
agreem ents to liv e on th e F a rm . You could te ll the tru th , and say
w here it's a t. In th a t sense. T h a t was probably the biggest th erap eu tic
experim ent on a [laughs] larg e scale th a t I'v e seen in m y lifetim e!
I: Do you th in k psychedelics had a p a rt to play in that?
R : Absolutely! [em phatic] A bsolutely. I t w as a psychedelic church. A nd
th e th in g is about psychedelics, you can't lie to somebody on
psychedelics. B eing on acid, somebody trie s to lie to you on acid, th e ir
m outh would tu rn in to fangs w ith worm s coming out! [laughs]
E N describes how practices such as th is one, w hich is rem iniscent of
H ab erm as' ideas about "creation o f conditions fo r an un restricted
discussion and dem ocratic resolution o f p rac tica l issues" (Thom pson &
H e id , 1982, p. 6), developed from in te rp re ta tio n s of philosophy and relig ion
in th e lig h t o f psychedelic insights by the group's founder, Stephen G askin:
R : A nd more and m ore people w ere com ing to the [M onday N ig h t]

Class. H e had gone fro m G lid e [Church] to th e S tra ig h t [Theater] and
th e nexus o f th e group expanded. They a ll tripped together. A nd th en
282
th e circle ju s t started expanding and people started ta lk in g about
h avin g a farm . A nd Steven was a t th e Z eitg eist o f the psychedelic
m ovem ent in th a t place, a t th a t tim e, and was able to a rtic u la te re a l
clearly w h a t a lo t o f people had fe lt, and re a lly couldn't b rin g to focus
in th e ir own m inds. H e w ould be able to artic u la te d ifferen t models o f
relig io n , or magic or process. Because he knew about th a t k in d o f s tu ff
and was able to a rtic u la te it. I t was a Psychedelic Church. A nd the
s p iritu a l ideas w ere, i t was lik e when he said th em , they w ould rin g
tru e because they w ere tru e! [em phatic] And he ta u g h t me th a t you
can le a rn when som ething rings tru e, you can te ll. And he was a good
teacher. I w ouldn't have trad ed the experiences fo r an yth in g in the
w orld.
The N a tiv e A m erican C hurch
The only social environm ent in w hich psychedelics are fo rm ally
recognized as legal for use in th e U n ite d States is th e N a tiv e A m erican
C hurch (N A C ). In p a rt because o f the protracted and p a in fu l struggles th a t
C hurch m em bers have undergone in recent years to assure th is legal
status, C hurch officials are often v ig ila n t in try in g to exclude from
p articip atio n in ceremonies anyone who does not have the required
quantum o f N a tiv e A m erican ancestry. T h ere are also several sects w ith in
the N A C , and th ere are some sectarian disagreem ents about exactly w h at
ritu a l procedure should be followed. There are tw o m ajo r cerem onial
branches, H a lf Moon and Cross F ire , b u t variatio n s in more th a n 300
elem ents o f the ceremony distinguish 30 or more sub groups and trib a l
C hapters, and the Road M a n or cerem onial leader is theologically free to
conduct the M eetin g including w h atever m inor variatio n s he wishes
(S te w a rt, 1987).
D N ("W ith the fire and th e S p irit") describes an occasion in w hich he
became involved in a sectarian dispute th a t reveals some o f the differences
in the practices o f the tw o m ajor groups.
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R : I have a frien d w ho is m a rrie d to th is Road M a n th a t’s fro m back
E ast, from a N a tiv e A m e rican C hurch fa m ily . B ig , you know , m ucky*
m ucks in th e official scene. A n d these other guys out here a re
renegades. I m ean, th ey h ave th e legal papers b u t th ey’re no t
pedigreed by th e N a tiv e A m erican C hurch. In o th er words th e y d id n ’t
get it passed on from someone down the lin e. You know? A nd so these
pedigreed guys are also o f Cross F ire tra d itio n . W hich is th e w ay th ey
do i t d iffe re n tly .
I: Could you say w h a t th a t is?
R : Th e Cross F ire is sp ecifically a C h ris tia n Peyote church. W h ere th ey
don’t use tobacco, th e y p ra y to th e H eaven ly F a th e r, th e H o ly S p irit,
and Jesus. I th in k th e tobacco is considered, uh, I ’m not sure exactly
w h y th ey don’t use it, b u t i t ’s from a pagan tra d itio n . O r O ld W ay, and
so th ey don’t use th a t. A n d , u h , [heavy sigh] I ’m n o t sure how th ey got
th ere. B u t, uh, [laughs] an yw ay, th a t’s, th a t’s th e difference. So one o f
th e things th ey w ere doing th ere was settin g up an o fficial N a tiv e
A m erican C hurch. So th a t th e y could have some k in d o f officialdom or
some say over th e o th e r people th a t are havin g Peyote m eetings th a t
aren ’t sanctioned by th e ir n a tio n a l council or w h atever, who w ere
supposedly doing things d iffe re n t th an th ey should do th em . B ein g loose
w ith th e tra d itio n s , or a lte rin g th e cerem ony or som ething. A n d so
th ere’s th is po litics, P eyote politics, or Red Road N a tiv e po litics
involved. There's a few W h ite people involved in how th ey’re doing it,
b u t it ’s also these o th er In d ia n s th a t th ey’re, th a t supposedly aren ’t
doing it th e "right" w ay, o r th e w ay [the officials] w a n t it. O r th ey're
not ta k in g care o f it lik e th e y th in k th ey should. I got caught in
betw een th e politics because I ’ve sat up [at Peyote M eetings] w ith some
o f these [renegade] people several years ago. A nd even i f th e y ’re doing
things d iffe re n t, th ey w eren ’t doing th a t w hen I was th ere. I have a
feelin g I got caught in th e cross fire ! [laughs]
In te n tio n a l fam ilies and tribes
O th e r respondents h ave p a rticip ate d in m uch s m a lle r and less w e ll
know n social w orlds w h ere psychedelics are a d efin in g p a rt o f th e shared
284
environm ent. B H ("'A re you on drugs?"') describes th e in stru ctio n s fo r
trip p in g th a t are im p o rta n t in a group o f friends w ith whom has liv e d o ff
and on for years, sh arin g m an y psychedelic experiences.
R : The process o f us as a group was ta k in g psychedelics to g eth er, fu ll

moons, solstices, equinoxes, S atu rd ay nights, b irth d a ys, [laughs] W e
d id n 't need m uch o f an excuse to do it together. A n d we d id . A n d we
trie d to fin d ou t how to do th a t in a safe w ay so th a t we d id n 't abuse
one another's psyches' in th e process. And it was tr ia l and e rro r, you
know , in the e a rly days o f try in g to set the scene up in a good w ay.
A nd it became clear th a t some k in d o f cerem onial elem ent re a lly helped
in the process o f th a t. T h a t i f we ju s t d id n 't drop, you know , a h it o f
LS D in a random p a rty mode, uh, th a t i f a little m ore consciousness
was p u t in to it , and p rep aratio n and know ing, "Yes, in tw o days w e're
going to do th is." T h a t th e re w ould be a whole psychological
p rep aratio n th a t w ould allo w us to have a m uch b e tte r jo u rn e y
together. You know?
I: So, did you have a structure? L ik e an agreed upon stru ctu re?
R: No. [em phatic] N o t th a t I can rem em ber. W e never had a n y k in d o f
agreed upon s tru ctu re . (B H , age 50)
T h erap y and s e lf exp lo ratio n
S till oth er psychedelic groups have developed a very specific and
artic u la te stru ctu re th a t is intended to foster a sense o f both s a fety and
freedom and to allo w fo r an o p tim al experience. One respondent describes
such an stru ctu re:
R : One w eekend a m o n th anyw ay, and sometimes a little o fte n e r about

15 people or so w ould m eet fo r a weekend and ta ke psychedelics as a
group. To g eth er.
I: W ith any sort o f purpose in m ind? Therapeutic?
R : S e lf exploration.
I: W ould you describe th is group as m iddle class professionals?
285
R : U m hum. (yes) A n d ve ry secret. A nd th ere was certain ly a
stru ctu re. A nd th e stru c tu re w as ve ry a rtic u la te d . And the stru ctu re
included things lik e "You m ay not te ll anyone w here or w ith whom you
had this experience," "You m ay not do any physical harm or violence to
yourself or anybody else w hen you are under th e influence o f th is
substance," 'Y o u m ay not leave th e boundaries th a t we set for the
experience u n til we have declared th e experience is officially a t the
end," and some things lik e "D on't pee on th e fence!" [laughs]
I: [laughs] D on 't eat woodchips o r glass! [laughs]
R : I t leaves a mess! [laughs]
I: W h at [psychedelics] d id you take?
R : Som ething d iffe re n t alm ost every tim e. As m any people could
p articip ate as th ere w ere bed spaces for. W e w ould sleep on m ats on
th e floor. W e each had a p a ir o f stereo head phones. There was a helper
whose m ain jo b was to program th e m usic. T h a t was to keep it going
a ll night long. W e w ore eye shades. A ctu ally, in th e early days we
started out w ith e a r phones and eye shades, b u t w e were free to get up
and do w h atever w e w an ted . A n d w h a t we w ould do is we w ould come
th ere near suppertim e or a fte r on a F rid a y n ig h t. A nd then th ere w ere
some specific ritu a ls th a t w e d id , and then w e w ould, usually most o f us
w ould trip a ll n ig h t F rid a y n ig h t, and w e ll in to S aturday. A nd then
S atu rd ay evening th ere w ould be cham pagne. T h a t was the official
declared end o f the experience. T h e n th ere w ould be this big, elaborate
din n er and th en everybody w ould sleep S atu rd ay n ig h t and get up
Sunday m orning. Spend th e w hole day Sunday m orning, one by one,
going around in th e circle ta lk in g about w h a t happened.
I: T h e ir experiences?
R : Yes. Now , th is w as a w o n d erfu l w ay to re a lly le a rn a lo t about
psychedelic drugs. Because fo r one th in g , it w as a trem endous
environm ent in w hich to experience a lo t o f d iffe re n t drugs, in a fa irly
safe setting.
I: P ersonally, b u t also by observing?
R : That's rig h t. Because we a ll kn ew one another, a fte r you'd be doing
th is for years, you'd k in d o f know . Th ere w ere m aybe 200 or 300 people
in the group, o f whom 15 or 20 w ould be in an y one session. So, often
tim es there w ould be people th e re th a t you trip p ed w ith before. And
286
you k in d o f got to know w here people w ere a t, and who th ey w ere. So
you could see both th e effect o f th e drug, and the effect o f people's
personalities. So, it became possible to sort out th e w ay th a t d iffe re n t
drugs w orked on d ifferen t people, about d iffe re n t things.
I: I t sounds as though the set and setting questions got fo rm a lly
addressed? A nd it sounds as though th is re a lly created a safe, b u t yet,
"no constraints" kin d o f environm ent for th is experience?
R : Yes. E specially a t firs t, it re a lly was no constraints. I t was q u ite
safe and a t th e same tim e quite free.
U n lik e th is h ig h ly structured b u t "safe and free" setting, T Q ["The
beginning o f transform ation"], a psych iatrist who was an ea rly psychedelic
research subject questioned the stru ctu re and th e settin g used by an oth er
researcher, based on his own psychedelic experiences:
R : So, as I m entioned to you, I was la te r involved w ith an L S D project

w ith alcoholics a t the V A in Topeka. W hich I don’t consider was very
successful. The reasons I th in k w ere the selection o f the people and
w here th ey w ere a t the tim e, in term s o f th e ir lives; and th e context o f
how he did it. W hich was in a d a rk room w ith people observing. It , it
gave m e the w illies ju s t to see th a t set up! [laughs] I m ean, I personally
lik e lig h t and sun and nature. I don’t w a n t to be stuck in a d a rk room,
even w ith a cut rose and a vase. K in d o f w eird , I thought! L a te r on, I
thought [laughs] "No wonder he didn’t have good results!"
In te n tio n and atten tion
A ll o f these various social environm ents provide instructions,
environm ents, guidelines and rules for the use o f psychedelics, and a ll o f
them are d istin ctiv ely d ifferen t. In some ways th is proceeds from
differences in th e intentions for w hich the psychedelics are used. M A ("The
s p iritu a l connection") provided some guidance about the im portance o f
c la rity in th e intentions for w hich one uses a psychedelic.
28 7
I: W h a t do you th in k is im p o rta n t to study about psychedelics?
R : W h a t’s im p o rta n t to study? [heavy sigh] I guess to be clear about
your in ten tio n s. In any endeavor w ith psychedelics. And to have a safe
set and setting.
I: U m , th a t’s in terestin g , you kn ow , 'cause th a t’s a d ifferen t a rea o f
study from th e one th a t I was as kin g about.
M A answ ered a question I h a d not rem em bered to ask: H ow s h a ll I
go about th is in q u iry in a proper an d respectful way?. To be cle ar about
in ten tio n s and to do one's w o rk in safe circum stances are in structions fo r a
psychedelic trip , as w ell as suggestions about how to in vestigate th e
phenom enon o f psychedelic drug use. Th ey are th e elem entary
preparations th a t allow an in q u ire r in e ith e r situ atio n create a s itu a tio n in
w hich the process m ay unfold w ith o u t resistance, allo w in g the stream o f
events and understandings to c a rry one along w ith confidence.
One o f th e respondents, X F (" I have re a lly gone over the edge here!"),
the te lle r o f perhaps th e m ost s ta rtlin g story recounted in th is study, also
suggests th e need for c la rity o f in te n tio n and a re v e re n tia l a ttitu d e in
e n terin g realm s in w hich so m uch can happen.
R : W e ll, I th in k th a t th e d iv id in g place is betw een people who ta k e

th e ir psychedelics and say th a t i t ’s a psychological m ystery p lay, th a t
you're going through th e symbols and you can have psychological
tran sfo rm ations and you can h ave a lo t o f personal tran sfo rm atio n and
grow th and a ll th a t k in d o f stu ff, and a ll th at's v e ry true. A nd th a t's
one level o f re a lity . A nd th en th e re ’s a whole oth er level o f re a lity
w here it's re a lity , [em phatic] W h ere you know th e experiences you're
h avin g are as re a l as an yth in g , i f n o t m ore reed, th a n the life you liv e
and your day to day consciousness. A nd th a t th e things th a t happen to
you and th e effects you can have on th e w orld are very re a l. A nd th ey
have a so lid ity to them . I was com paring th e difference betw een th e
w ay a lo t o f W estern people do psychedelics for fu n and tran sfo rm atio n ,
288
and how N a tiv e A m ericans and people around the w o rld whose
cu ltu res have been doing these things fo r a re a lly long tim e , w hen th ey
go in to th e ir p ra y e r places, th ey're going to change th e w orld! They're
going to have re a l effect. A n d th ey ta ke it extrem ely seriously! A nd it's
w ith a lo t o f h e a rt. A nd dread. You realize how pow erful i t is, and th a t
you could mess th in g s up i f you're not careful!
(X F , age 53)
X F suggests th a t even sin ce rity and conviction o f th e re a lity and
significance o f the realm s accessed in psychedelic states a re not a
su b stitu te fo r system atic p rep aratio n to e n te r and function in those realm s.
W ith o u t adequate m aps and guides we m ay not be c u ltu ra lly or s p iritu a lly
prep ared fo r th e resp o n s ib ility o f h avin g access to deep levels o f re a lity a t
w hich law s we m ay n o t recognize m ay be operating and unexpected
consequences m ay re s u lt from ill-considered actions and revelations.
S u m m a ry
T h is chapter discusses m y analysis o f th e tw en ty tw o in terview s in
th is study, considered as a group. I t compares th e various p a rticip an ts'
stories in term s o f a re c u rrin g p a tte rn o f em plotm ent, in te rru p tio n and
re s tru c tu rin g , and exam ines a core them e found in alm ost every in te rv ie w ,
experiences o f inter-connectedness. In conclvision, it explores two
su b sid iary them es, disclosure o f psychedelic experiences and social w orlds
and "schools" for th e use o f psychedelic drugs.
28 9
Chapter 6: T rustw orthiness and Q uality o f the Study
The author is under no illu sio n as to th e deficiencies and obscurities o f

th is little w ork. . . I t is, m oreover, his earnest w ish th a t the book m ay
age rap id ly -- th a t w h at was once new in i t m ay become g enerally
accepted and th a t w h a t is im perfect in it m ay be replaced by
som ething b e tte r.
Sigm und F reu d
Theory o f S exu ality
Because o f th e d issim ila rities in th e ir paradig m atic assum ptions
about ontology and epistem ology, it is not useful to apply the c rite ria used
for assessing th e rig o r o f p o sitivistic research to the products o f
constructivist in q u iry . According to K en n eth Gergen (1973),
The m arked success o f th e n a tu ra l sciences in establishing general
principles can im p o rta n tly be a ttrib u te d to the general s ta b ility o f
events in the w o rld o f n a tu re. Th e velocity o f fa llin g bodies or the
compounding o f th e chem ical elem ents, fo r exam ple, are h ig h ly stable
events across tim e . Th ey are events th a t can be recreated in any
lab o rato ry 50 years ago, today, o r 100 years from now (p .309).
U n lik e data derived from th e n a tu ra l sciences, the n a rratives presented
here are both m om entary and local, havin g developed as p a rtic u la r
interactions betw een in d iv id u a l respondents, specific circum stances, and
m y own id e n tity as a com plete m em ber researcher.
Trustw o rth iness
C rite ria for trustw orth iness
R ath er th a n th e m ore positivistic c rite ria o f re lia b ility , v a lid ity and
objectivity, tru stw o rth in e ss is th e criterio n o f rig o r th a t is m ore u s u ally
29 0
em ployed in q u a lita tiv e research in general and constructivist research in
p a rtic u la r. T ru stw o rth in ess is not a w a rra n t o f veracity, b u t ra th e r an
in d icatio n th a t rigorous q u a lita tiv e science has been practiced in th e
research in question. Assessments o f a study's a u d ita b ility , cred ib ility,
tr a n s fe r a b ility , and c o n firm a b ility are used by constructivist or

n a tu ra lis tic researchers to evalu ate trustw orthiness. A lth oug h these
c rite ria correspond roug hly to p o sitivist standards, th ey are inform ed by a
co nstru ctivist u n d erstan d in g o f ontology, and epistemology (G uba &
Lincoln, 1989). A nu m b er o f th e characteristics of th is study act to
increase its tru stw o rth in ess.
A u d ita b ility
The c rite rio n o f a u d ita b ility or consistency is assessed by e v a lu a tin g
how w e ll th e process o f th e in q u iry is described, and how trackab le are any

variatio n s in m ethodology or study construction. In th is study, a m ajor
p o ten tia l source o f inconsistency has been the change in design and
m ethodology from th e study as o rig in a lly conceived to th e present. Th is
can be traced in p a rt to m y association e a rly in th e research process w ith

the la rg e r L S D r MDMA and O th e r Psychedelics study. In conform ity to
the design o f th e la rg e r study, I had o rig in ally planned to use grounded

theory m ethodology fo r th is study. E a rly analysis o f in terview s and th e
re a liza tio n th a t m any o f th e d a ta w ere presented in n a rra tiv e form
suggested a change to n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n .
The o rig in a l in te n t and content o f th e in terview schedule also
changed m a rk e d ly as th is study became independent, and the process o f
change has been elu cid ated in C hapter Th ree. In addition, the in te rv ie w
schedule continued to evolve w ith each respondent encounter, w ith probes
and new questions being introduced to refle ct changes in m y t h in k in g and
291
in te rp re ta tio n s o f new in te rv ie w d ata. These changes are docum ented in
th e records o f in te rv ie w developm ent, in m y in te ra c tio n s w ith the
C om m ittee on H u m a n Research a t th e tim e th a t th is study became
independent, and in memos and notes related to m ethodologic issues. The
version o f the in te rv ie w schedule prepared fo r each in te rv ie w has been
preserved in each respondent's file , b u t th e tra n s c rip ts dem onstrate th a t
th e actu al in terview s developed in a m ore co nversational w ay th an these
docum ents w ould suggest. F o r th e process o f in te rp re ta tio n and analysis,
files fo r each respondent docum ent th e stages o f d a ta display. Successive
renderings o f m y developing understandings o f each respondent's self
n a rra tiv e s record th e process o f in te rp re ta tio n as w e ll as m y em erging
appreciation o f th em atic and s tru c tu ra l connections betw een th e in d iv id u a l
n a rra tiv e s .
Changes in th e in te rv ie w schedule and tech n iq u e suggested by th is
process served to increase th e o verall q u a lity o f th e in te rv ie w data.
According to K vale (1996) th e q u a lity o f an in te rv ie w is increased i f th e
d a ta are d ire c tly in te rp re te d and v e rifie d by th e in te rv ie w e e . A n id eal
in te rv ie w should be "self-com m unicating:" long, spontaneous, specific and
re le v a n t answers from th e in terview ee should pred o m in ate over questions
and comm ents from th e in te rv ie w e r, who should seek p rim a rily to follow up
and c la rify re le v a n t points raised by th e respondent (K v a le , 1996, p. 145).
The e x te n t to w hich th is has been achieved m ay be assessed in C h ap ter
F o u r in w hich eleven o f th e tw e n ty tw o in tervie w s in th is study are
presented in d e tail.
C re d ib ility
C re d ib ility in a n a tu ra lis tic study is also described as "tru th value,"
and is th e ch aracteristic o f closely reflectin g th e "re a lity " th a t is g enerally
29 2
agreed upon. T h is c rite rio n presents some d iffic u ltie s w ith the basic
ontologic assum ptions o f constructivist approaches, given th a t re a litie s are
understood to be p lu ra l and constructed. The n a tu ra lis tic or co n stru ctivist
researcher a ttem p ts to achieve "isom orphism betw een the constructed
re a litie s o f th e respondents and th e reconstructions a ttrib u te d to them " ( p.
237) ra th e r th a n betw een "findings" o f the study an d some kin d o f objective
re a lity (G u b a & Lin co ln , 1989).
Some strateg ies to enhance c re d ib ility in n a tu ra lis tic research have
been enum erated (G u b a , 1981; G uba & Lincoln, 1989; Guba & Lincoln,
1994; L inco ln & G uba, 1985) and th e design o f th is study accommodates
the m a jo rity o f these concepts. They include: p ro lo n g e d engagem ent,
p e rsiste n t observa tio n , p ro g ressive su b jectivity, m em b er checks, p eer

debriefing, the p ro v isio n o f reference adequacy m a teria ls, and negative
case a n a ly sis.
P rolon ged en g a g em en t w ith th e field o f in te re s t and persistent
observation are practices th a t involve ways o f re la tin g to the social w orld
under study, as in th e practice o f ethnography. W h ile some researchers
m a in ta in th a t ethno grap hy is a m ethod th a t should be used only to study a
com plete c u ltu re , ra th e r th a n a topic o f in te re s t o r a common experience
(M orse, 1989), others disagree. A lth oug h com plete psychedelic c u ltu ra l
environm ents do ex ist in th is country (C alabrese, 1997; M arsden, 1999),
this study has no t been conducted in such a c u ltu ra l fram e.
F o r those w ho suggest th a t ethnographic m ethods are applicable
only to th e study o f cu ltu res, prolonged engagem ent and persistent
observation are th o u g h t to be im possible w ith o u t a c u ltu ra l base. This
study has successfully em ployed these ethnographic practices in d ata
collection, in co ntrad iction to th is belief. In conducting this research, I have
293
m ade use o f m y status as a complete m em ber o f th e group under study,
achieved d u rin g a life lived in prolon ged engagem ent w ith th e phenomenon
o f psychedelic drug use.
P ersisten t observation has also been possible th is study, as it has

unfolded ve ry slowly. Th e p ilo t study took a fu ll year, and th e rem aind er o f
the research and w ritin g have taken a fu rth e r th ree years, d u rin g w hich I
have had a g rea t m any opportunities to m eet and ta lk to histo ric
psychedelic drug users who knew of m y in terest in th e ir experiences, to
hear th e ir comments and to discuss m y ideas. A ll o f the p articip ants
requested to do so have responded to la te r in quiries about p a rtic u la r
aspects o f th e ir in d iv id u a l interview s or engaged in follow -up discussions.
M an y o f these conversations, as w ell as speculations and ideas th a t arose
from m y reading, are recorded in jo u rn a l notes, in w hich I can now trace
changes in m y focus and opinions.
M y own progressive su b jectivity as a researcher has g rad u ally
draw n me aw ay from m y o rig in al concerns w ith secrecy and w ith b arriers
to the disclosure of a h isto ry o f psychedelic drug use. T h is change has been
inform ed by th e view o f th e psychedelic experience presented by the
respondents, who have de-em phasized secrecy as a reason fo r th e seeming
in v is ib ility o f form er psychedelic drug users in the contem porary social
and po litical discourse. In ad dition, m y personal concern about secrecy has
dim inished d u rin g the course o f the study, as I have become increasingly
fra n k and w e ll known as an historic user o f psychedelic drugs. M y
academic in terest, w h ile p o te n tia lly stigm atizing, leg itim ates m y in terest
in the topic fo r anyone who m ig h t question m y choice o f read in g m aterials,
in te rn e t web sites or social gatherings. I have nothing to fe a r from being
"outed." T h is sh ift is q u ite trackable in m y own w ritin g and public
294
speaking. I have m oved from concern th a t m y co u n ter-cu ltu ral id e n tity
m ig h t be exposed in a public professional settin g in 1994, to appearance at
a S igm a T h e ta T a u (th e N a tio n a l H onor Society fo r N u rsin g ) research
conference specifically to discuss m y program o f research on psychedelic
drug use in 1999.
In ad dition, I liv e in an in te n tio n a l com m unity in w hich every a d u lt
m em ber has had one or m ore h isto ric psychedelic experiences. C om m unity
m em bers have provided both fo rm a l and informed m em ber checks d u rin g
the course o f th e study. In O ctober 1999, w hen about h a lf o f th e in terview s
reported here w ere com pleted, sixteen com m unity members m et w ith m e to
review m y developing ideas an d constructions o f th e d a ta. S h o rtly before
th is m eeting I had firs t id e n tifie d th e common them e o f experiencing
interconnectedness d u rin g psychedelic experiences, and th e subsequent
developm ent o f new awarenesses or understandings w hich m ig h t be used
to guide one's life . V ario u s m em bers o f th is group recognized and described
instances o f th is them e in th e ir ow n psychedelic experiences. P articip an ts
in th is m eeting also directed m y a tte n tio n to the w ay th a t d iffe re n t social
groups had p referred and ta u g h t some o f the p a rtic u la r p atte rn s o f set and
se ttin g fo r psychedelic use th a t w ere w idespread d u rin g th e 1960's and
70's. These "schools" o f psychedelic use represented a them e I had not
previously recognized, b u t w h ich had alread y been m entioned by several
respondents. I began askin g sp ecifically about th is topic in th e subsequent
in terview s.
The com m ents m ade by group m em bers about issues o f secrecy and
disclosure w ere also v e ry h e lp fu l, although they tended to be som ew hat
flippant:
29 5
I asked i f th ere w as anybody th a t people w ere keeping th e ir
psychedelic experiences secret fro m , or h id in g th em from , and several
people said the cops or th e police. O ne person said th e [S tate o f
C a lifo rn ia ]. A nother person said 2 o f h e r grandchildren, because h e r
d a u g h te r had a preference th a t she do th a t; b u t th a t w hen those
ch ild ren got old enough to ask h e r she w ould te ll th em th e tru th . O ne
person said th a t his psychedelic experiences w ere som ewhere betw een
secret and broadcast to th e w o rld . A n o th er person claim ed th a t he
h a d n ’t p u t down the fact th a t he had psychedelic experiences on th e
fo rm th a t he fille d out looking to re n t a house.
(F ield Notes, 10/10 /99)
A n im p o rta n t in sig h t th a t became c le a r to m e a fte r th is group discussion
was th a t th ere w ere several reasons o th er th a n secrecy and fe a r o f social,
leg al o r professional consequences fo r psychedelic experiences not to be
discussed in every day conversations. V ario u s group m em bers said, fo r
exam ple, th a t it was not necessary to te ll a lo t o f people, th a t i t w ould be
d iffic u lt fo r people who did not share th e experience to understand
discussions about it, and th a t it could become a source o f conflict over basic
valu es, or be conflated w ith the use o f o th er drugs.
F o r th e purpose o f m em ber c h e c k in g , I have also conducted a v a rie ty
o f fo rm a l and in fo rm a l discussions w ith respondents, in w hich aspects o f
th e ir in tervie w s w ere cla rified or elab o rated . A ny respondent who w ished
was provided w ith a com plete copy o f th e in te rv ie w tra n s c rip t and
encouraged to com m ent on it. W hen th e in te rp re tiv e process began to y ie ld
some them es and understandings, I review ed m y developing constructions
in d e ta il w ith three respondents, alo n g w ith in terp retatio n s o f each o f th e ir
in d iv id u a l in terview s. In a ll o f these cases th e respondents a ffirm e d m y
in te rp re ta tio n o f th e ir personal n a rra tiv e s , and agreed th a t m y o v erall
un derstand ing s w ere s im ila r to th e ir own.
296
O pportunities for p e e r debriefin g d u rin g th is study have been
provided consistently by th e use o f an a n a ly tic a l tran scrib er who has
hand led a ll o f th e transcribed in terview s and notes, and has provided
w ritte n com m entary on th e in terview s and m any sessions o f verb al
d eb riefin g based on h e r extensive experience in th e field . O pportu nities for
in p u t from other peers have been less consistent. D iffe re n t groups of
tran scrip ts have been review ed, and advice and in sig h t on coding them es
and n a rra tiv e plots has been offered by several fa cu lty m em bers w ith
extensive q u a lita tiv e research experience. Tw o doctoral students who have
p a rtic ip a te d in peer d ebriefing sessions have personal experience o f some
o f th e social w orlds discussed in the n a rra tiv e s , and have read tran scrip ts
w ith w hich I had p a rtic u la r problem s and offered in te re s tin g new
perspectives. Tw o d rug policy scholars associated w ith o th er research
in s titu tio n s have helped c la rify th e h isto ric al background and tim in g o f
events re la te d by some in form ants' n a rra tiv e s by searching th e ir own
research archives.
A n o th e r n a tu ra lis tic strateg y fo r producing a credible study is the
collection o f referential adequ acy m a te ria ls. D u rin g th e course o f th is
study, o th er research on h isto ric users o f psychedelic drugs w ho are
m iddle-aged and older has been in progress elsew here. T ran scrip ts o f
m an y o f th e in terview s from one such study are in m y possession, and are
a v a ila b le fo r establishing re fe re n tia l adequacy. In ad dition to in te rv ie w
tra n s c rip ts , I have accum ulated extensive files o f published contem porary
and h isto ric discourses about psychedelic drug use, and have cross
checked these accounts for them es th a t appear in in terview s (G u b a, 1981).
Th e strateg y o f providing negative case an alyses is th e only one o f
those suggested by th e lite ra tu re on n a tu ra lis tic in q u iry and constructivist
297
m ethodology (G uba, 1981; G uba & L inco ln, 1989; Guba & Lin co ln , 1994;
Lincoln & G uba, 1985) th a t has not been applied here. In keeping w ith th e
perspective th a t realities are m u ltip le and constructed by specific persons
and circum stances, it seems m ore ap propriate sim ply to acknow ledge th e
range o f v a ria tio n in the p articip an ts' n arratives ra th e r th a n to a tte m p t to
hold a specific perspective as "negative" or as a divergence fro m a
p a rtic u la r "norm al" case.2 A n exam ple o f the application o f th is strateg y o f
id en tifyin g the range o f variation is th e in terp retatio n o f the only one o f the
respondents' interview s th a t did not discuss the core them e o f in te r-
connectedness. Excerpts from th is n a rra tiv e and com m entary on its
content are presented in C hap ter F ive. A lthough th is respondent does not
describe an experience o f a sense o f u n ity as a p a rt o f h er psychedelic
experience, h e r n a rrative em phasizes a related b u t opposite in sig h t: th a t o f
a sense o f in divid uation , independence and self-responsibility.
T ra n s fe ra b ility
The trustw orthiness criterio n o f tra n s fe ra b ility refers to th e
a p p lic a b ility or fittingness o f th e hypotheses and understandings developed
in a study to other contexts and situations. This is a d istin ctly d iffe re n t
notion from th e positivist idea o f "g eneralizab ility." In a study guided by a
co nstru ctivist paradigm th ere is no a tte m p t m ade to select a rand om or
rep resen tative sample such as is used fo r statistical m easurem ent. No
assurance o f th e relevance o f the understandings developed by a
constructivist study o f a p a rtic u la r context a t a specific tim e to an y oth er
tim e or context is provided by th e researcher. Instead, the c o n s tru c tiv is t
approach places the responsibility fo r determ inin g th e a p p lic a b ility o f a
study's understandings and in te rp re ta tio n s on the receiver. H e or she
m ust determ ine the s im ila rity o f th e sending and the receiving contexts. In
298
order fo r th e degree o f s im ila rity or "fittingness" to be assessed, the
constructivist researcher m ust specify "everything th e re a d e r m ay need to
know in order to understand th e findings" (L incoln & G uba, 1985, p. 125).
Th is is accom plished in p a rt by in clu d in g w h a t G eertz (1 9 7 3 ) has called
"thick description:" a w ide ran g e o f m a te ria l in clu d in g d irec t quotations,
details o f interaction s, descriptions o f people and a v a rie ty o f o ther
in form atio n about th e context th a t is purposively sought out fo r inclusion
(E rlandson, H a rris , S kip per & A lle n , 1993). In th is study I have attem pted
to provide adequate descriptive and contextual m a te ria ls to enable the
reader to determ ine th e degree o f tra n s fe ra b ility o f th e understandings
developed here, w h ile o m ittin g or a lte rin g personal and co ntextu al details
th a t m ig h t serve to compromise respondents' c o n fid en tiality.
Because th e respondents in th is study w ere purposively selected fo r
th e ir a b ility to reflect on and discuss th e ir h isto ric psychedelic experiences
and to respond a rtic u la te ly to in te rv ie w questions, an e lite bias m ay lim it
the a p p lic a b ility or tra n s fe ra b ility o f th is study. A ll o f th e respondents had
a t least some college background, and h a lf hold g rad u ate degrees. This
m ay have influenced th e perspective o f th e study respondents on the
im pact o f th e ir psychedelic experiences on th e ir beliefs, values and goals,
w hich m any respondents describe as positive o v erall. E a rly researchers
lik e L in g and B uckm an (1 963 ), who reported success w ith th e th erapeutic
use o f psychedelics in a m e lio ra tin g "m any o f th e neurotic and
psychosomatic conditions th a t ch aracterize W estern society, w here the
ra te of change and th e lac k o f c u ltu ra l and social s ta b ility is so evident,"
suggested th a t those who w ere lik e ly to id e n tify a positive im pact from
exposure to L S D and other psychedelics, w ould have "a fa irly h ig h level o f
intelligence as an alm ost indispensable asset" (p. 5*6) in in s ig h tfu lly
29 9
ap plying the un derstandings achieved under th e ir influence -- a s im ila r
group to those expected to benefit m ost from conventional psychotherapy.
O th e r researchers, how ever, have rep o rted profound positive
im pacts in persons "who w ould probably be considered ve ry u n like ly
candidates fo r conventional therapy" in clu d in g some who w ere described
as "in te lle c tu a lly d u ll, poorly educated and c u ltu ra lly deprived" (K u rla n d ,
U n g er, S h affer & Savage, 1967, p. 1208). These researchers did not
em phasize in tellig en ce or education as d eterm in an ts o f th e possible positive
influence of psychedelic experiences.

N eu tra lity
B y e s tab lish in g a u d ita b ility , c re d ib ility an d tra n s fe ra b ility ,
n e u tra lity or c o n firm a b ility is achieved in co n stru ctivist research

(Sandelow ski, 1986). T h is is the c rite rio n o f n a tu ra lis tic rig o r th a t
corresponds m ost closely to the po sitivist concern fo r objectivity. In
contrast to th e desire o f po sitivist researchers to achieve n e u tra lity as
o b servers, how ever, n a tu ra lis tic researchers seek to produce n e u tral

fin d in g s, and h o ld observer "objectivity" to be illu s o ry and socially
constructed. C o n firm a b ility is achieved w hen d a ta constructions can be
tracked to th e ir sources, and "the logic used to assem ble the
in te rp re ta tio n s in to s tru c tu ra lly coherent and corroborating wholes" is
clear and accessible (G uba & Lincoln, 1989, p. 24 3). T h is trackin g is
accom plished b y th e system atic collection o f a docum entary "audit tra il."
A n id eal version o f th e im peccable a u d it tr a il w ould lin k every
decision and in s p ira tio n to a concrete reference p o in t id en tifyin g its e n try
in to the d ata stre am . I have not achieved th a t le v e l o f a u d ita b ility in th is
study. W h a t is a v a ila b le instead is a record o f m y fitfu l and erratic thought
process, in flu en ced by m y reading, by cu rre n t events, and by dream s th a t
30 0
occurred d u rin g the research process. Docum ented and displayed as it
accum ulated, in notebooks, on scraps o f paper, in th e m argins o f
tran scrip ts, and in fo rm al memos and jo u rn a l notes, it provides an
evocative and unvarnished representation o f how th e process ac tu a lly
unfolded.
The c rite ria fo r trustw orth iness em ployed to assess c o n stru ctiv ist
research are p rim a rily useful fo r establishing its m ethodological adequacy
(E rland so n e t a l., 1993). G uba and Lincoln (1 989 ) have suggested th a t
an o th er im p o rta n t in d icato r o f well-conducted co nstru ctivist research, its
"auth enticity," depends upon how fa ith fu l it is to the basic assum ptions o f
th e constructivist p aradig m , and how adequately it honors th e shared
constructions o f researchers and study p articip an ts. T h e c rite ria th a t
G uba and Lincoln have proposed fo r th e assessment o f a u th e n tic ity
address both th e tra d itio n a l safeguards fo r p a rticip an ts provided by
research ethics, and th e resp onsibility o f constructivist research to both its
e x te rn a l audiences and to particip an ts.
In th is study, I have considered assessments o f these factors th a t go
beyond G uba and Lincoln's a u th e n tic ity c rite ria , th e six dim ensions of
"q uality" described by DeJoseph and Messias (1 996 ). In a p ap er th a t
advocates th e m ixin g o f existing research techniques to create new
approaches th a t are m ethodologically sensitive to th e philosophies and
practices o f p a rtic u la r researchers and circum stances, DeJoseph and
M essias o u tlin e th e ir developm ent o f th e m ethod o f "fem inist n a rra tiv e
in te rp re ta tio n ." A lthough th e ir specific com m itm ent is to fem in ism , the
sensibilities th a t th e ir w o rk evidences to recognition o f d iversities among
w om en resonate fo r research conducted w ith other populations in whom
diversities have not been w ell recognized or represented.
30 1
Q u a lity
Th e co nstru ctivist un derstanding o f tru th fu ln ess provides im p o rta n t
b u t not exhaustive c rite ria fo r th e assessment n a rra tiv e research. I t is in
th e n a tu re o f n a rra tiv e "tru th " th a t th e content and in te rp re ta tio n o f
stories are adjusted by th e te lle r according to th e circum stances o f a
p a rtic u la r te llin g , and th a t n a rra tiv e tru th is m ore th an a lis t o f v e rifia b le
events in th e order o f th e ir occurrence. This fu n d am en tal characteristic o f
n a rra tiv e m andates th a t th e c rite ria for ju d g in g n a rra tiv e in q u iry include
dim ensions beyond ex istin g ideals o f "rigor" o r "truthfulness." According to
DeJoseph and M essias (1 9 9 6 ), whose approach to n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n
has guided th is study, an im p o rta n t evalu ative c rite rio n fo r research using
th is approach is "q uality." T h ey recommend assessm ent o f six specific
dim ensions o f relevance, app ro p ria ten ess o f the m ethodological approach,
engagem ent, con textu ality, presen ta tio n , and eth ic s in evalu atin g th e
q u a lity o f a n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n (DeJoseph & M essias, 1996, p. 14)
R elevance
In te rp re tiv e n a rra tiv e studies th a t are relevant focus on the cu rren t
concerns o f th e researched populations and serve th e ir interests. Studies of
ille g a l drug use and dru g users freq uen tly display a fundam ental bias
tow ard seeking and describing h a rm fu l aspects or outcomes o f the
behaviors under study. F ro m th e perspective o f drug users who do not
perceive them selves to have been harm ed by th e ir drug use, an in q u iry
th a t p rim a rily or exclusively addresses ris k and h arm is irre le v a n t and
m ay be counter-productive, serving to lab el an d pathologize behaviors th a t
p articip an ts m ay fin d to be pleasurable, harm less and useful.
Th is study serves th e in terests o f h isto ric psychedelic drug users by
providin g an o p p o rtu nity fo r th e fu ll spectrum o f th e ir experiences to be
302
revealed , in clu d in g those evaluated as both beneficial a n d d e trim e n ta l by
th e p a rtic ip a n ts them selves. I t contributes to an im proved un derstan d in g
o f th e users o f psychedelic drugs and exh ib its relevance to th e ir concerns.
A ppropriateness o f th e m ethodological approach
DeJoseph and Messias' second dim ension o f q u a lity in n a rra tiv e
in te rp re tiv e studies is th e a p p ro p ria te n e ss o f the m eth odological approach
to th e a rea u n der study. N a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n , w h ich involves co
construction and co-representation o f personal experiences and th e ir
m eanings in an in teractio n betw een specific n a rra to rs an d p a rtic u la r
lis ten ers, is p a rtic u la rly appropriate fo r th e e x a m in a tio n o f in n e r
experiences and personal reflections such as have been described by th is
study's p a rticip an ts.
E ngagem ent
T h e q u a lity o f n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n is also estab lish ed by th e
e x te n t o f researcher en g a g em en t w ith th e p articip an ts an d the topic o f
in te re s t. E xam in atio n o f several aspects o f th e re la tio n s h ip betw een the
researcher and th e respondents reveals th e e x te n t o f engagem ent.
A ccording to DeJoseph and M essias, rapport, m u tu a lity disclosure,
reflexivity, and consciousness ra isin g are ch aracteristics th a t evidence th e

q u a lity o f engagem ent.
R a p p o rt, in w hich an atm osphere o f tru s t is created fo r th e h e arin g

and te llin g o f stories, and m u tu a lity , a research en viro n m en t o f e g a lita ria n
co-operation ra th e r th a n status h iera rc h y , are assessed by th e e x te n t to
w h ich respondents engage in dialogue and exchange w ith th e researcher a t
levels th a t are deep, specific, and contain expressions o f th e ir com fort and
openness to th e research process. M u tu a lity is essential to studies such as
th is one, conducted by a com plete m em ber researcher, w ho is by d e fin itio n
303
a fu ll p a rticip an t in th e social w orld o f study respondents. A related
characteristic o f th e q u a lity o f engagem ent is th e e x te n t o f d isclo su re : the
particip ants' w illin g n ess to reveal m arg in alized aspects o f them selves in
th e research process, and th e exten t to w hich p a rticip an ts are free to
refuse to answ er questions. Disclosure, m u tu a lity and rap p o rt m ay be
evaluated by ex am in in g th e researcher's a b ility to access au thentic and
understandable representatio ns o f experiences th a t are not otherwise
free ly shared, and to present th e particip an ts and th e ir concerns and
constructions in w ays th a t are respectful o f th e ir self-id en tities. R ap p o rt,
m u tu a lity and disclosure m ay be seen in th is study in th e explicit
references o f p a rticip an ts to th e presence o f an atm osphere o f tru s t, and in
statem ents by several p a rticip an ts th a t th ey are reve alin g aspects of
them selves th a t are unknow n even to th e ir in tim a te associates, or th a t
v irtu a lly never can be shared in th e ir every day lives.
An engaged n a rra tiv e analysis should also be ch aracterized by
reflexivity, the process by w hich the developm ent o f th e researcher's self-

understanding in re la tio n to th e topic o f in terest is m ade exp licit by direct
scru tin y of his or h e r m otives and p rio r assum ptions, and by observation of
th e ways in w hich these are changed by th e research process. M y motives
and assum ptions are presented in A ppendix Fo ur, an d m y developing
in terp reta tio n s and understandings are described th ro ugh ou t the research
process.
F in a lly , engagem ent in n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n is expected to
provide opportunities fo r consciousness ra isin g for both th e researcher and
th e p articip ants (D eJoseph & M essias, 1996). Th e consciousness raisin g
possibilities o f research th a t acknowledges the p o te n tia l o f psychedelic
experiences to produce profound, persistent and p o te n tia lly beneficial
30 4
changes in self-id en tities and w orld view s are as y e t re la tiv e ly unexplored.
Research such as th is encourages re-exam inatio n o f th e im pact o f historic
psychedelic experiences and creates an opportunity collective stories to be
developed.
M a n y p articip an ts in th is study shared profoundly tran sfo rm ative
experiences th a t th ey do not o rd in a rily disclose. Itz ik Lodzer (1971)
described a sense o f isolation experienced by psychedelic d rug users who:
. . .H ave the hu bris to ad m it th a t th ey have been th ere, [but who] are
doomed to live here w ith a boundless lib eratin g jo y th a t [they] fe ar to
express, lest [they] be seen as m adm en (p. 192).
For those whose psychedelic experiences have faded in to th e m em ory o f a
rem ote epiphany, th e developm ent o f a collective story provides an
opportunity to re-exam ine w h at m ig h t have been learn ed , gained or lost a t
a p a rtic u la r m om ent in personal histo ry. Collective stories m ay also serve
to expand th e public understanding o f d ru g use and drug users to include
persons, experiences, m otivations and influences th a t are not often
considered when these topics are discussed.

Contextual! tv
As described by DeJoseph and Messias (1996), th e fo u rth dim ension
o f q u a lity in n a rra tiv e in terp reta tio n is th e extent to w hich th e even tu al
presentation of research acknowledges th e p a rtic u la r situation s and
circum stances in w hich respondents lived experiences and responses to
research in q u iries are embedded. Research th a t fa ils to ta k e in to account
the histo rical, social, po litical, economic and c u ltu ra l factors th a t m ay
influence p articip an ts' responses m ay be said to lack co n textu ality. M y
efforts to review and analyze the h isto rical social and p o litic a l context o f
the respondents' psychedelic experiences o f a q u arter cen tu ry ago have
305
been m ore successful th a n m y a tte m p ts a t contextualizing th e ir
contem porary responses. W h ile th e h is to ric salience o f psychedelic
experiences and th e controversies su rro u n d in g them in th e 1960's and
1970's provided some elem ents o f com m on experience for m any
respondents, th e ir subsequent life courses and contem porary social
circum stances are m uch m ore d is s im ila r. I t is d iffic u lt to tease out th e
ways in w hich a ll o f these featu res h ave in teracted in in d iv id u a l
n a rratives . A more successful and com prehensive a ttem p t a t
co ntextu alization has been m y a tte m p t a t situ a tin g m yself w ith in m y own
h isto rical, social, c u ltu ra l and professional environm ents in order th a t th e
read er m ig h t assess the body o f know ledge and experience th a t has form ed
m y personal perspective as a research er in th is topic area.
P resen tation
A fo u rth dim ension o f q u a lity in n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n is
p r e s e n ta tio n : grouping o f n a rra tiv e s according to p a rtic u la r featu res and

the language, coherence, p la u s ib ility , c re d ib ility and com plexity o f both th e
n a rra tiv e s and th e researcher's in te rp re ta tio n s . N a rra tiv e s m ay be
organized according to th e ch aracteristics and circum stances o f th e
n a rrato rs, according to th e them es th a t th ey are seen to contain and
illu s tra te , or in d iv id u a lly by specific p a rtic ip a n t. In th is study I have
organized the n arratives fo r in te rp re ta tio n in two successive chapters;
firs t by in d ivid u a l p articip an ts in C h a p te r F o u r and la te r by th em atic
elem ents in C hapter Five, in an e ffo rt both to re ta in the particip an ts'
in d iv id u a l stories, language and co n ten t and to provide exam ples o f core
them es th a t I have id e n tifie d across n a rra tiv e s .
The presentation o f p a rtic ip a n ts ' lan gu age has also been som ething
o f a compromise. W h ile gestures, la u g h te r, hesitations and postures have
306
been noted in tran scrip tio n an d re ta in e d in presentatio n, I have edited th e
n a rra tiv e s to increase th e ir re a d a b ility and some features o f respondents'
speech have in e v ita b ly been lost. D e V a u lt (1 9 9 0 ), in em phasizing th e
im portance o f false starts, self-corrections, non-lexicals such as sighs and
long pauses, and "difficulties o f expression" such as 'urn,' 'er* and 'you
know ,' suggests th a t I m ig h t p ro fita b ly have reta in ed a ll of these featu res
o f respondent speech, even a t th e cost o f some decrease in re a d a b ility o f th e
n a rra tiv e s .
D e V a u lt suggests th a t some o f these dysfluencies are the product o f
th e d is p a rity betw een in d iv id u a l experience and th e words availab le fo r
describing it. T h is she term s "lin g u istic incongruence," pointing out th a t it
is m ore pronounced in some groups th a n in others. H istoric psychedelic
d ru g users seem to be such a group. I t is alm ost a universal com plaint o f
w rite rs a tte m p tin g to describe the d etails o f specific psychedelic
experiences th a t th ere are m an y aspects fo r w h ich common language is
w o efu lly in adequate. P a rtic ip a n ts have often resorted to B uddhist
s c rip tu re , S a n s k rit phrases, and references to poetry, m usic and even th e
D ec laratio n o f Independence as m etaphoric stand-ins fo r inadequate
common language. Because, according to (D e V a u lt, 1990), "most m em bers
o f a society le a rn to in te rp re t th e ir experiences in term s o f the do m inan t
language and m eanings" (p. 100), th e psychedelic experience has
fre q u e n tly been in terp rete d as a form o f psychosis, relegated to the
category o f "kicks," th rills , or o v e r-s tim u la tin g recreation , or le ft
com pletely u n in terp reted . E ven an incom plete a rtic u la tio n o f respondents
experiences and th e ir understandings o f ways th a t these experiences
resonated in th e ir subsequent lives helps to m ove psychedelic experiences
in to common discourse.
307
Th e in terp reta tio n s I have provided in th is paper represent a
compromise betw een fu ll reten tio n o f th e language characteristics, nam es
and labels used and understood by th e group m em bers and selective
attem pts to nam e, lab el and describe uncom m on experiences and events
using com m on language. I hope to re tu rn to th e o rig in al tran scripts in a
fu tu re paper to exam ine th e details o f p articip an t's language fo r attem p ts
to tra n s la te experiences by using standard language in non-standard
w ays, by keeping things vague, and by in v itin g in te rp re ta tio n and th e
application o f common fram es o f reference through th e use o f devices such
as th e rh eto rical "you know?"
A no ther aspect o f presentation is n a m in g : the w ay th a t labels are
used to in dicate th e va lu a tio n o f the objects an d activities to w hich th ey are
attached. A n exam ple o f th e influence o f n am in g in th is study is the
system atic use o f the te rm "psychedelic" fo r th e class o f substances o f
in te re s t here. O f the availab le altern atives, th is choice is both consistent
w ith cu rren t pharm acologic usage (Jaffe, 1990), and free o f some
connotations o f other possible labels (N ichols, 1999). N am in g can also be a
form o f iron y used to reflect and offset excesses w hen labels are used th a t
control and defam e. E m ploying the te rm "dope" fo r m a riju a n a is and
exam ple o f th is use o f n am ing.
Coherence is a an aspect o f p resentation th a t is located in the

in d iv id u a l n a rratives o f p articip an ts. M y in te n tio n has been to present
enough of the particip an ts' own stories to allo w the read er to assess th e ir
global coherence or o verall p a tte rn , th e ir local coherence or depiction o f
p a rtic u la r events and situations, and th e ir th em atic coherence or u n ify in g
and repeated them es.
308
N a rra tiv e in terp retatio n s display the characteristic o f p la u s ib ility
when th ere is reasonable and convincing evidence in th e d ata to support
th e in terp reta tio n s offered and th e alternatives considered. P la u s ib ility
and cred ib ility, aspects of q u a lity in presentation, a re dem onstrated here
by the inclusion o f extensive n a rra tiv e excerpts th a t allow th e read er to
assess the support for m y in terp retatio n s offered by th e data, and to
consider a lte rn a tiv e in terp retatio n s.
A fin a l characteristic o f q u a lity in presentation is com plexity . A w ide
v a rie ty o f social w orlds and contexts o f psychedelic d rug use are presented
in the tw e n ty tw o interview s in th is study. The sam ple includes eleven
women, and is geographically and socio-economically w id ely d istrib u ted ,
b u t is less ra c ia lly diverse th a n I had o rig in ally w ished.
Ethics
E thics is th e la s t dim ension o f q u a lity in n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n
discussed by DeJoseph and Messias (1996). I t is evidenced by the
frankness and openness of the researcher in presenting th e n atu re o f th e
w ork to p articip an ts, and by th e exten t to w hich p a rticip atio n is safe,
inform ed and vo lu n tary. In th e sam pling process, p articip an ts w ere
encouraged to contact me w ith requests to p a rticip ate ra th e r th a n being
recommended by others or contacted d irectly, in an effo rt to m in im ize
violations o f privacy. A ll of th e p articip ants in th is study gave v o lu n ta ry
consent to p a rticip ate , and w ere fu lly inform ed o f possible risks involved in
disclosing ac tivities th a t often are socially stigm atized and, in m any cases,
illeg al.
Assessment o f th e Study
In th is study, th e life histories and self stories o f some form er and
cu rren t psychedelic drug users are explored in in terview s. These
309
in terview s developed as p a rtic u la r in teractio n s betw een in d iv id u a l
respondents, specific circum stances, and m y own id e n tity as a com plete
m em ber researcher, and are co-creations in te g ra tin g a ll o f these
influences. In th is chapter I have ap p lied various c rite ria fo r th e
assessm ent o f trustw orth iness and q u a lity in n a tu ra lis tic studies to
dem onstrate th a t th e m ethodologic adequacy o f th e research process, its
faith fu ln ess to th e co nstructivist p arad ig m , and m y efforts to adequately
and resp ectfully represent these co-constructions.
310
Chapter 7: D iscu ssion
I f i t w ere no t fo r th e fa c t th a t, in th e p ast, ap p aren tly negligible

m ovem ents, o rig in a tin g am ong in d ivid u a ls w ith o u t an y p o litic a l power,
have y e t exercised a prodigious influence over m a n k in d, th ere w ould be
reason for discouragem ent
Aldous H u x ley
In tro d u ctio n
D u rin g th e h a lf cen tu ry d u ring w hich th ey have been know n in
contem porary W estern cu ltu re , the psychedelic drugs have been construed
as agents th a t m ig h t assist in psychotherapy, produce s p iritu a l
tran sfo rm atio n , enhance c re a tiv ity , foster social chaos and m o ral
breakdow n, provide access to unexam ined realm s o f a m u ltiface ted re a lity ,
or provoke derangem ent, delusion and toxic psychosis. W h ich o f these
possibilities is m ost lik e ly to be expressed in a p a rtic u la r occasion o f use is
not e n tire ly a p riv a te m a tte r. The circum stances and surroundings o f the
user; his or h e r personal preferences, issues an d conflicts; scientific,
jo u rn a lis tic and c u ltu ra l reports and th e expectations th ey m ay engender;
and th e specific id e n tity , q u a n tity and q u a lity o f th e m a te ria l ingested
com bine as drug, set, settin g and m a trix to in fluence and perhaps
d eterm in e the ch aracter o f an in d ivid u a l experience. Once the
pharm acologic effects have dissipated, i t rem ain s fo r th e user to fin d a w ay
to as sim ilate his o r h er psychedelic experience, w hich m ay be ra d ic a lly
d is s im ila r to an y previous experience, in to an in te g ra te d u n d erstand ing o f
self, society and re a lity .
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O rganization of th e dissertation.
The study is organized in seven chapters. C h a p te r One introduces
the topic o f psychedelic drug use, and presents a b rie f synopsis o f some o f
the social com m entary and m edia coverage rela te d to psychedelic drugs in
the e ra w hen m ost o f th e study p articip an ts firs t encountered th em . I t
outlines some histo ric and contem porary perspectives on psychedelic drug
use and presents the methodologic paradigm from w h ich I approached th is
topic. C hapter Tw o review s a selection o f im p o rta n t and representative
lite ra tu re re la te d to research using psychedelic drugs, th e social
construction o f psychedelic experiences, and m edical, psychiatric and
sociological perspectives on these experiences. I t describes some contexts
of use and social worlds o f psychedelic d ru g users, an d concludes w ith an
overview o f th e p o ten tial long range benefits and d etrim en ts o f psychedelic
drug use.
The th ird chapter explores the general topic o f n a rra tiv e research
and th e specific m ethod used in th is study, n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n . In it I
describe the procedures used in sam pling, in te rv ie w developm ent and d a ta
collection and analysis. T h is chapter also exam ines m em bership roles in
the conduct o f constructivist research, and situates m e as a com plete
m em ber of th e studied group o f historic psychedelic d ru g users. C h ap ter
Fo ur contains extensive extracts from in terview s w ith eleven o f th is
study's tw en ty tw o p articip an ts, along w ith m y com m entary and analysis
of each as an in d iv id u a l n a rra tiv e . In C h ap ter F ive th e tw e n ty tw o
in terview s are analyzed from a d iffe re n t perspective, considering th em as
a group to discover re c u rrin g them es and com pare p atte rn s described by
d ifferen t respondents in n a rra tin g th e ir histories.
312
C h ap ter Six addresses issues o f trustw orth iness and q u a lity as
c rite ria for assessment o f a stu d y conducted in a constructivist paradigm ,
and the fin a l chapter sum m arizes m y conclusions and understandings
derived from the d ata, and suggests th e ir th eo retical im plicatio ns and
th e ir im plications fo r th e ra p y , s p iritu a l practice and education. The social
im plications o f th is study and suggestions reg ard in g fu rth e r research are
also discussed. S everal A ppendices are included, containing th e study
protocol, the inform ation docum ent used to obtain verbal consent to
p a rticip ate , and the in te rv ie w schedule in its fin a l form . A n a d d itio n a l
appendix outlines m y personal h isto ry in re la tio n to psychedelic drugs, and
describes m y values as an in q u ire r in th is area.
Conclusions
This study explores in in terview s o f some o f the understandings th a t
historic users have developed ab ou t the use o f psychedelic drugs, and the
place o f psychedelic experiences in th e ir lives and in the fu n ctio n in g o f th e ir
com m unities. In th is research, by th e presentation o f th e ir stories in
n a rra tiv e , historic users h ave h a d an op po rtu nity to id e n tify a v a rie ty o f
outgrow ths and influences o f th e ir drug use. R a th e r th an sim ply
responding to in quiries ab ou t pred eterm ined categories or expected
sequences o f events, th ey have to ld th e ir own stories about th e ir
experiences w ith psychedelic drugs, w h eth er d e trim e n ta l, b eneficial, or
u n im p o rtan t. T h e ir n a rra tiv e s describe some o f th e m any w ays th a t
psychedelic experiences h ave been understood and in teg rated in th e ir
subsequent lives.
This process was presented by n early a ll o f the respondents in
n a rratives th a t contained s im ila r stru ctu ra l elem ents: em plotm ent in a
predictable and c u ltu ra lly coherent life script, in te rru p tio n b y events and
31 3
insights associated w ith th e psychedelic experience, and re s tru c tu rin g o f
th e in d ivid u al's life to encompass new goals, beliefs and values shaped by
these events and insights. In n a rra tin g th e ir psychedelic experiences,
n e arly a ll o f the particip an ts re la te d convincing and com pelling
recognitions of a sense o f interconnectedness, a consciousness o f u n ity th a t
has m uch in common w ith descriptions o f s p iritu a l tran sfo rm atio n s, states
o f grace and m ystical ecstasies. Respondents often found th a t these
experiences in p a rtic u la r w ere a t odds w ith th e ir previous values and
beliefs. As th ey assim ilated and in teg rated these experiences, th e y often
changed th e ir life trajectories, reem ploted th e ir lives, and broke w ith th e ir
previous plans, ideals and expectations.
In c u ltu ra lly coherent life scripts, em plotm ent relies on common
language and other sym bolic system s, and is constrained by m eanings
th a t have c u ltu ra l currency and social relevance. F o r m ost people, creation
o f a personal life plot is carried ou t w ith in one o f a fixed assortm ent o f
accepted plot structures th a t provide g u id in g m etaphors or paradigm s for
understanding specific in d iv id u a l experiences. These are "c u ltu ra l stories."
Th ey describe the av ailab le roles, m eanings, m yths and po ssibilities fo r
cu ltu re m em bers, and freq u en tly represent th e perspective o f a d o m in an t
or em powered group w ith in a social w orld. Follow ing th e ir in itia l
experiences w ith psychedelics, respondents in th is study often found th a t
the c u ltu ra l stories in w hich th ey had been em ploted no longer reflected
th e ir changed goals, beliefs and values.
N e a rly a ll o f th e p articip an ts reported th a t changes in th e ir beliefs
and goals suggested some v o lu n ta ry a lteratio n s o f life p a tte rn s. M a n y
respondents dropped out o f previously accepted practices and roles, and
restru ctu red th e ir lives in ways th ey found m ore personally and socially
314
m ean in g fu l. F o r some respondents in th is study, in terru p tio n s occasioned
by th e ir psychedelic d ru g experiences profoundly disru pted th e ir lives.
These respondents had prolonged adverse and in v o lu n ta ry sequellae o f
th e ir psychedelic experiences, and th e ir n a rra tiv e s describe th e ir
subsequent processes o f recovery and re s tru c tu rin g .
Decades la te r, respondents who described changing th e ir life
trajecto ries to conform m ore closely to a lte rn a te values, beliefs and goals
fo llo w in g th e ir psychedelic experiences often described them selves as m ore
personally fu lfille d and m ore socially responsible, b u t less m a te ria lly
successful, th a n th ey im agined th a t th ey w ould have been had they
continued in th e ir previous life courses. Tw o respondents who stated th a t
th ey h ad not shaped th e ir lives in ways th a t w ere in accord w ith insights
and goals called fo rth by th e ir psychedelic experiences expressed
disap p o in tm en t th a t th e ir d a ily lives to day do not reflect corresponding
ideals an d values.
T h e cru cial factors o f drug, set, s e ttin g and m a trix varied w id ely for
th e psychedelic experiences described by th e p articip an ts. A bout h a lf o f
th e tw e n ty tw o respondents p a rticip ated to some exten t in a specific social
w o rld th a t provided some k in d o f r itu a l stru ctu re or philosophic fram ew o rk
fo r psychedelic experiences. These "schools" provided ve ry d iffe re n t
recom m endations, in struction s and rules fo r the use o f psychedelic drugs,
some o f w hich are b rie fly described here as elem ents o f setand setting in
th e experiences o f p a rtic u la r respondents.
T h e elem ent o f m a trix , th e h isto ric c u ltu ra l and p o litical
circum stances in w hich th e use o f psychedelics took place, th e situ atio n in
w hich th e user was liv in g a t the tim e o f his or h er experience, and the
en viro n m e n t to w hich he or she re tu rn e d afterw ards a re not system atically
315
discussed in th is study, although they are a rich areas fo r exploration and
speculation. C onsideration o f the contributions o f broad social fram ew orks
to in d iv id u a l experiences is a topic I hope to take up in fu tu re papers.
M a tu ra tio n over th e course o f tw enty five or m ore years m ay also have
influenced th e w ay th a t historic users see them selves and th e ir histo ry o f
psychedelic d ru g use, b u t is not addressed by th is study.
M a n y respondents stated th a t th e ir psychedelic experiences are
ra re ly or never discussed in th e ir contem porary lives and offered a v a rie ty
o f reasons w h y th is m ig h t be so. Fear o f disclosure and leg al consequences
seemed to be less in flu e n tia l in lim itin g th e exten t to w hich psychedelic
experiences are discussed today th an does a sense th a t th ey are not
p a rtic u la rly s a lie n t in these historic users contem porary lives, or a desire
to protect the m em ory o f a precious experience from v u lg a r
m isunderstanding.
L ife in the foothills
Fo r m any o f th is study's particip ants, insights experienced under
the influence o f psychedelics provided a basis for questioning th e ir
em plotm ent in a conventional m iddle class N o rth A m erican life story
s im ila r to th e one mocked by Bob D ylan in a popular song o f the 1960's:
G et born, Keep on, S hort pants, Romance.

G et dressed, G et blessed, T ry to be a suc-cess.
Please h er, Please h im , B uy gifts.
D on't steal, D o n 't lift.
T w en ty years o f school and then they p u t you on th e day sh ift.
S ub terranean H om esick Blues
In sig h ts from th e ir psychedelic experiences brought m any respondents to
exam ine th e contrast betw een an interconnected w orld th ey had glim psed
and a com partm entalized and in d ivid u alistic one in w hich th ey w ere livin g .
316
F o r p a rtic ip a n ts w ho in te rru p te d and re s tru c tu re d th e ir lives,
in teg ratio n o f th e insights o f th e ir psychedelic experiences involved d iffic u lt
choices betw een m a te ria l security, conventional "sanity," and socially
valued rew ards, and allegiance to deeply convincing personal vision. Itz ik
Lodzer, describing th e s im ila ritie s betw een psychedelic experiences o f
interconnectedness and descriptions o f th e revelatio n s o f classic Jew ish
m ystic doctrine, describes th e dilem m a:
As we tu rn to a discussion o f th e deepest, sim plest, and m ost radical
in sig h t o f psychedelic/m ystic consciousness, w e b a lk before th e
enormous d iffic u lty o f expressing it. . . [E ]ven m ystics who kn ew it w ell
g enerally fled from fu lly spelling it out. W e re fe r o f course to th e
re a liza tio n th a t a ll re a lity is one w ith th e D iv in e . T a t tvam asi, in
H ind uism : "Thou a r t T h at". . . The gam e o f W estern consciousness,
in clud ing m ost o f W estern relig ion, is tr u ly th re ate n ed by such a claim .
W e have b u ilt our colossal civ iliza tio n on th e prem ise o f th e re a lity of
the in d iv id u a l ego. . . The question is m ore u rg e n t th a n ju s t one of
in s titu tio n a l vested in te re s t. O u r very notion o f s a n ity in th e W estern
w orld here is called in to question. I f th e s e lf and its everyday vision are
said to be an illu sio n (o r a t best h a lf-tru th ), w h a t place is le ft fo r sanity
as the a b ility to distin g u ish th e "fantastic" fro m th e "real"? (Lodzer,
1971, p. 190-91)
D o m in an t religious m ovem ents and p o litic al agencies w ith strong ties to
them have h is to ric a lly looked w ith disfavor on those who engaged in
personal and un m ediated contact w ith th e s u p e rn a tu ra l such as some
experience un der th e in fluence o f psychedelics (H a m e r, 1973). T h e
reg rettab le m odem tendency to construct psychedelic experiences as
h a llu c in a to ry and irresponsible disruptions o f ex is tin g social and c u ltu ra l
31 7
arrang em ents an d excursions into th e realm s o f in s a n ity is som ewhat m ore
understandable in th is lig h t.
Some respondents found th a t th e ir psychedelic experiences le ft th em
uncom fortably a w a re o f discord betw een a ttitu d e s and practices th a t th ey
m igh t o therw ise have ta k e n for granted, in clu d in g a preference for
com petition ra th e r th a n cooperation in problem solving, th e veneration o f
m a te ria l w e a lth , dom ination and explo itation o f th e n a tu ra l environm ent,
and o ther featu res o f m odern life th a t th ey had n o t fo rm e rly questioned,
and th e ir visions o f interconnectedness. S everal respondents described
such re a liza tio n s as p a in fu l insights in to the co n trad icto ry em ptiness o f
m any so cially sanctioned life scripts and goal states.
M o st o f th e p a rticip an ts w ere under th e age o f th irty , and m any
m uch younger, w h en th ey firs t encountered psychedelic drugs. S everal
older respondents claim ed th a t w ere alread y seeking change, or th a t th ey
had ex istin g in te re s ts in psychotherapy or th e enhancem ent o f c re a tiv ity .
These ch aracteristics m ay have draw n them to use psychedelics, and
encouraged th em to m odify th e ir views and behaviors in everyday life in
response to in sig h ts from th e ir psychedelic experiences.
Persons w ho w ere prepared to reflect on th e ir use o f psychedelics
m any years a fte r th e ir e a rly exposures m ay also have alw ays held those
experiences to be m ore m em orable and in flu e n tia l th a n those who did not
come fo rw a rd to be in terview ed . W illingness to p a rtic ip a te in th is study
m ay have been g re a te r in persons who had p a rtic u la rly in ten se or v iv id
experiences o r in those who experienced m ore o f a sense o f incom pletion in
relatio n to th e ir psychedelic experiences. W h ile m an y p a rticip an ts are sure
th a t th ey w ill no t ta k e psychedelics again, some are a c tiv e ly using
318
psychedelics today. W h eth er cu rre n t users or n o t, m an y p articip an ts s till
seem to be fascinated by th e ir experiences.
E m plotm ent. in te rru p tio n r and restru ctu rin g
Respondents in th is study have had w id ely v a ry in g experiences w ith
efforts to in te g ra te psychedelic insights and values in to ongoing lives and
livelihoods. S everal o f th e n a rratives presented h ere refle ct these attem pts.
O M ("A re a l capacity to love"), N M ("A sense o f doing good in th e world"),
and E D ("True N a tu re "), for exam ple, a ll discussed periods o f depression
and soul searching th a t followed th e ir in itia l experiences o f
interconnectedness, as th ey struggled to build a life th a t w ould honor w h at
they had seen and understood in th e ir psychedelic experiences. DB ('"The
bell tolls for thee'") described h e r sense o f anger an d fru s tra tio n a t
recognizing th e ab su rd ity o f m any social conventions w hen considered from
the perspective o f h e r psychedelic experiences. T h e fiv e respondents
described as "casualties" in th is study experienced severe disruptions in
the continuity o f th e ir lives th a t w ere closely associated w ith th e ir
psychedelic d ru g use. W h ile a ll o f these in d ivid u als have been able to
create new and d iffe re n t life structures, events su rro u n d in g th e ir
psychedelic d ru g use provided an in v o lu n ta ry p o in t o f d ep artu re from th e ir
previous life courses from w hich th ey w ere not ab le to re tu rn .
As p articip an ts in this study reflected on th e tw e n ty five or more
years since th ey had firs t used psychedelics, none claim ed th a t th ey had
w ithdraw n from society as a resu lt o f th e experience, altho ugh m any had
"dropped out" o f one or smother social role, lin e o f w o rk or relationship.
Th irteen p a rticip an ts claim ed th a t new insights an d understandings
derived from psychedelic drug use moved them v o lu n ta rily to m ake
significant and im m ed iate changes in th e lives th e y w ere th en living.
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Perceptions from th e ir psychedelic experiences led them to p a rtia lly or
com pletely reject th e life trajectories along w hich th ey had previously been
m oving, in attem p ts to in teg rate new values and altered awarenesses. F o r
th e most p a rt, these in divid uals describe them selves as q u ite satisfied w ith
th e ir cu rren t lives, although several call a tten tio n to the changes in th e ir
m ate ria l security th a t th ey id e n tify as related to th e ir unconventional life
choices.
O nly fo u r respondents claim ed th a t th e ir life trajectories were
unchanged. Tw o o f these individuals, DB ("The bell tolls for thee") and ED
("True N a tu re "), experienced psychedelic visions o f interconnectedness as
in terru ptions o f th e ir usual w orld view and acknowledged th e ir
im portance, b u t did no subsequent restru ctu rin g o f th e ir d a ily lives. In
th e ir in terview s, both expressed dissatisfaction w ith th e ir current lives
and th e ir fa ilu re to liv e according to th e ir own deepest values. The
rem aining tw o respondents, G M ("How can th ey tr y to end th is beauty?")
and M A ("The s p iritu a l connection"), in teg rated insights and values
derived from th e ir psychedelic experiences in to th e ir ongoing life
trajectories w ith o u t any d istin ct point o f in te rru p tio n or breaking aw ay. As
m ature ad u lts, these tw o in divid uals both express them selves as quite
satisfied w ith both th is process and th e ir own achievem ents.
D ropping out.
None o f th e particip an ts who could be described as having dropped
out by a lte rin g th e ir life trajectories w ith d rew from society or to refused to
assume a d u lt responsibilities, as m any social com m entators o f the 1960's
had feared and predicted. On th e contrary, several particip ants found th a t
th e ir psychedelic experiences had draw n them to become m ore involved in
social causes and th e lives o f th e ir com m unitie s . O ne p a rticip an t (EU: "
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O ne o f the defining experiences") claim ed th a t she had developed a sense o f
s e lf sufficiency and independence as a re s u lt o f h er use o f psychedelics,
w hich she fe lt was p a rt o f a co m m itm en t to fem inis t activism in h e r
contem porary life . A no ther (H E : "D eveloping m y h u m a n ity") described his
surprise a t recognizing th a t, w h ile he o rig in a lly took psychedelics m a in ly
fo r personal pleasure, th e sense o f interconnectedness th a t he experienced
un der th e ir influence was so com pelling th a t he became a p h ila n th ro p is t.
Five participants told stories o f how insights from th e ir psychedelic
experiences had required th em , as one person pu t it, "in no u n c e rta in
term s to grow up, straig h ten o u t yo u r life , and do som ething useful in the
w orld" (H S , age 52). A bout h a lf s tate d th a t they had been d ra w n to w ard
careers in public service, or to a stro nger sense o f com m itm ent to fa m ily
an d com m unity a fte r th e ir psychedelic experiences. O n ly one respondent,
D N ("W ith the fire and th e S p irit" ), described his experiences as fo sterin g
p rim a rily introspection and self-in vo lvem en t.
Im plicatio ns
Theoretical im plications
N ih ilatio n
L a u re l Richardson (1 9 9 0 ) has suggested th a t w hen people tr y to fit
th e ir own lives in to dom inant n a rra tiv e s , th ey m ay be lim ite d and
disenfranchised i f p rev ailin g c u ltu ra l stories are a t odds w ith th e ir own
experience. I f dom inant stories construct th e ir experience as pathological,
disenfranchised persons m ay fin d places in them only by accepting blam e,
acknow ledging deficiency, d e cla rin g illn ess, or su b m ittin g to rem ed iatio n .
I f an in d ivid u a l story cannot be b ro u g h t in to c u ltu ra l n a rra tiv e s as an
illn ess req u irin g th erapy, a d iffe re n t process, w hich B erg er an d L u ckm an
(1 966 ) have called "n ih ila tio n ," operates to keep dom inant c u ltu ra l
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n a rra tiv e s and th e ir a tte n d a n t d e fin itio n s o f social re a lity in place. In th e
process o f n ih ila tio n , a non-conform ing story is "assigned an in fe rio r
ontological status, and th ereb y a no t-to-b e-taken-seriously cognitive status"
(p. 115).
T h e p articip an ts in th is stu d y are a re la tiv e ly high -fu n ctio n in g and
w ell-educated group, w e ll versed in c u rre n t c u ltu ra l and p o litic al trends,
and gen erally socially progressive. As a group, th ey do not give th e
im pression o f being dow ntrodden, dom inated, or m arginalized .
N onetheless, nineteen o f th e tw e n ty two p articip an ts expressed g ra titu d e
to m e, some o f them w ith g re a t em otion, fo r ta k in g a respectful in te re s t in
th is im p o rta n t aspect o f th e ir liv es th a t th ey share w ith few others.
P articip an ts told me th a t th e y could never, o r only in ve ry unusual
circum stances, discuss th e ir psychedelic experiences. T h ey described
concerns th a t the insights d erived from th em w ould be m isunderstood and
devalued, or th a t th ey w o uld be m a rg in a lize d or labeled as deviants by
listen ers predisposed to reg a rd a ll ille g a l d ru g use as in trin s ic a lly h a rm fu l.
C laim s o f b enefit from d ru g experiences are m ade ve ry in fre q u en tly in th e
c u rre n t discourse about ille g a l drugs. I t seems th a t even a rtic u la te and
in te llig e n t m iddle-aged m iddle-class citizens m ay co-operate w ith
m aintenance o f a hegem onic vie w o f ille g a l d ru g users th a t excludes and
contradicts th e ir own d ire c t experiences.
Theo retical un d erstan d in g o f n ih ila tio n
T h e m a te ria l pow er o f a group or an id ea th a t has been subjected to
n ih ila tio n is negligible. T h e re is v e ry lim ite d space for its stories in th e
discourse o f the m a jo rity , as th e y a re regarded as ille g itim a te and
in ap p ro p riate , or p e rm itte d o n ly as p a rt o f a confession o f sham e, rem orse,
and repentance. D e v ia n t stories a re u s u ally accounted fo r in term s o f
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acceptable c u ltu ra l stories: thus a person experiencing a sense o f cosmic
u n ity m ig h t be understood to be su fferin g fro m a toxic psychosis or
possessed by a demon, depending upon w h a t explanation is c u ltu ra lly
cu rren t. A b e rra n t stories m ay be d e a lt w ith by enforced th erap y , by being
denied space in the common awareness so th a t th e y are never to ld , or,
m ost drastic, by the physical liq u id atio n o f th e te lle rs (B erger & Luckm an,
1966).
A n a lte rn a tiv e to su b m ittin g to n ih ila tio n is provided by th e te llin g o f
a "collective story:" one th a t n a rra tiv ize s th e social category to w h ich th e
disenfranchised group or in d iv id u a l belongs (R ichardson, 1990). B y adding
a new collective story to the availab le stock o f c u ltu ra l n a rra tiv e s ,
discourse on th e issues involved can be a lte re d , w h a t had been seen d im ly
brought in to focus, new courses o f action le g itim a te d , safety found in
num bers, and in d ivid u a l consciousness aligned in w h a t m ay become
p o litic al and social movements. In order fo r a n ih ilize d n a rra tiv e to become
a new collective story, isolation o f those w ho fin d them selves unrepresented
in p re v a ilin g c u ltu ra l n arratives m ust be overcome. O th erw ise, as Frances
Fox P iven (1981) explains, isolation, p a rtic u la rly i f combined w ith
s tig m a tiza tio n , separates ru le breakers fro m one another and from
p o ten tia l sources o f support, and prepares th e w ay fo r force to be used to
secure th e ir cooperation and te rrib le consequences to be visited upon those
who do not subm it.
T h e W a r on D rugs has fille d the ja ils and prisons of th e U n ite d
States. O n J u ly 1,1999; a to ta l o f 1,860,520 persons w ere in prisons in th is
country, 1 in 147 Am ericans (Los Angeles Tim es, 2000). W h ile only a ve ry
sm all fractio n o f these prisoners are in carcerated fo r offenses re la te d to
psychedelic drugs, 58.9% o f F ed eral prisoners have been sentenced fo r
323
drug offenses o f some kin d (availab le at:
h ttp ://w w w .b o p .g o v /fa c t0 5 9 8 .h tm l). B illio n s o f dollars in assets have been
seized from p u rp o rted drug crim inals u n d er fo rfe itu re law s, altho ugh up to
80% o f people who have property confiscated by th e police are never
charged w ith a crim e. M ore th an h a lf o f the F o rtu n e 500 companies have
some kin d o f some k in d o f drug te s tin g program , and urin e screening was a
$300 b illio n business in 1990 (B au m , 1996).
N e a rly 100,000 people died la s t y e a r from th e use o f legal
prescription drugs, and 150, 000 from th e effects o f alcohol, a leg al product
for adults. C ig a re tte sm oking casued 450,000 deaths la s t year, w h ile few ,
i f any, people died from sm oking m a riju a n a . Th e n a tio n al death to ll from
two o f th e m ost feared and reprehended ille g a l drugs, heroin and cocaine,
was about 5,000 (M ille r, 2000). "G et tough" p o litic a l posturing about ille g a l
drug use gives little recognition to th e proportion o f d rug-related h a rm
caused by leg al drugs, and none a t a ll to the possible benefits o f those
drugs condemned and forbidden by d ru g politics.
Im p licatio n s fo r professional practice
T h e ra p e u tic practice.
U nd erstandin gs o f how psychedelic drugs produce th e ir effects,
exactly w h a t these effects m ay be expected to be, and how th ey m ig h t best
be in terp rete d has never approached th e level o f concreteness and
p re d ic ta b ility achievable for m ost ph arm aceu ticals. They have been
understood to be "psychotom im etic" or m erely "psycholytic." Th e id ea th a t
they m ig h t be "consciousness expanding" was supplanted in the
professional lite ra tu re by th e notion th a t they w ere "hallucinogenic." A fte r
tw en ty-five years o f research on th e ir p o ten tia l th erap eu tic uses, Sidney
324
Cohen (1 9 8 5 ) described psychedelic drugs as "an experience in search o f an
explanation" (p. 296).
C ontem porary psychiatrists and neurochem ists w ere n o t th e firs t
ones to recognize th e th erap eu tic p o ten tial o f psychedelic drugs, how ever.
Indigenous healers have recognized and u tiliz e d th em fo r m ille n n ia .
C om prehensive, technologically and m ethodologically sophisticated m u lti
d iscip lin a ry research th a t addresses m u ltip le aspects o f th e m any
indigenous th erap eu tic uses o f psychedelic has been very lim ite d .
In vestig atio n s th a t system atically and sim ultan eou sly assess th e bo tan y,
pharm acognosy, and pharm acology o f psychedelic p lan ts, th e
phenom enology o f th e experiences o f both healers and p a tien ts, th e
th erap eu tic techniques in w hich th e substances are em ployed, and the
social and c u ltu ra l fram ew orks in w hich these practices a re em bedded, a re
long overdue.
R a th e r th an a p o te n tia l th erapeutic asset, o r a c lin ic a l challenge to
be explored, the h e a lth professions cu rren tly consider psychedelics to be
p rim a rily a h e alth h a za rd , or a social problem in need o f control. H is to ric
attem pts a t "objective verificatio n " o f claim s o f users to have been
profoundly and positively changed by th e ir psychedelic experiences, and o f
effects such as g rea ter em otional w arm th , increased c re a tiv ity , im proved
self-understanding or enhanced sen sitivity and tolerance, have no t been
successful in controlled exp erim en tal settings designed to m easure these
effects.
In th e n arratives o f th e particip ants in th is study, changes in
a ttitu d es , beliefs and values began to show up as changes in behavior w ith
the passage o f tim e. M ethods o f investigation th a t look a t psychedelic d ru g
users lo n g itu d in a lly , th a t acknowledge the influences o f th e ir social w orlds,
325
th a t consider phenom enological rep o rts and subjective experiences, and
th a t ap preciate th e in tersu b jective creation o f re a litie s m ay reveal new
insights in to th e "effects" o f psychedelic drugs th a t have not been
accessible to b e h av io ral and s ta tis tic a l m easurem ent, and suggest new
th erap e u tic po ssibilities.
R esum ption o f th e m oribund program o f clin ical research in to th e
th erap e u tic uses o f psychedelic drugs seems w arran ted . Th reaten ed
som atic consequences have not m a te ria lize d , and adverse psychological
effects have h is to ric a lly occurred a t an acceptable level o f ris k in carefu lly
selected and prepared persons w ho received m easured q u an titie s o f pure
substances. O ne o f th e p rin c ip a l problem s o f previous psychedelic research
has been th e la c k o f adequate m ethods o f assessing th e im pact o f subjective
experiences. N a tu ra lis tic studies th a t explore th e phenomenologic
characteristics o f experiences associated w ith specific com binations o f
drug, set and se ttin g , and th a t exam ine the expectations and practices of
specific social w orlds and m atrices m ay indicate ways in w hich drug, set,
settin g and m a trix m ay combine to reinforce tran sfo rm ative aspects o f
psychedelic experiences and co n trib u te to effective program s o f psychedelic
th e ra p y .
S p iritu a l p ractice.
In a d d itio n to th e ir th erap eu tic p o ten tial, psychedelic drugs have
been used fo r centu ries to provide a relia b le vehicle for access to m ystical
or s p iritu a l dim ensions. Th ey continue to be used today for self-exploration,
s p iritu a l grow th and d ire c t com m union w ith d iv in ity despite sig n ifican t
obstacles to such use. T h irty five years ago, F D A ch ief Jam es G oddard
attem p ted to squelch those who h e ld th a t some states o f consciousness
experienced u n d er th e influence o f psychedelics bore a s trik in g s im ila rity
326
to relig io -m ystical states o f oneness w ith th e D iv in e by declaring in a
Congressional h e a lin g th a t th e ir claim s w ere "pure b u n k” (Special
Subcom m ittee p u rs u an t to LS D and M a riju a n a on College Campuses,
1966).
E ven the use o f Peyote by N a tiv e A m erican C hurch (N A C ) members
has been leg ally challenged. In 1990 the Suprem e C o u rt ru led in
Em ploym ent D ivis io n o f Oregon vs. S m ith (494 U .S . 872) th a t the use of
Peyote by N a tiv e A m erican people was not co n stitu tio n ally protected. A
coalition o f religious leaders from m any denom inations succeeded in
ob taining th e passage o f th e Religious Freedom R estoration A ct o f 1993
(P L 103-141) and th e A m erican In d ia n Religious Freedom A ct
Am endm ents o f 1994 (P L 103-344) w hich now assure th e specific legal
protection o f In d ia n religious use o f Peyote (S m ith & Snake, 1 9 9 6 ).
A v a rie ty o f n o n -In d ia n s p iritu a l practitio ners also em ploy
psychedelic sacram ents and the use o f psychedelic drugs to foster m ystical
states o f consciousness or "p rim ary religious experience," practices which
continue to challenge the constitutional com m itm ent to religious freedom.
One group, The C ouncil on S p iritu a l Practices, composed o f behavioral and
biom edical scientists, scholars of religion and s p iritu a l guides, is w orking
to develop guidelines and understandings th a t c la rify th e substances,
circum stances o f use and safeguards th a t are em ployed by s p iritu a l
seekers (Jesse, 1997).
The stories o f persons, including some o f th e respondents in this
study, who p a rtic ip a te the N A C , in other organized b u t leg ally
unrecognized s p iritu a l com m unities using psychedelic sacram ents, or who
have had serendipitous and unsupervised religious experiences associated
w ith th e use o f psychedelics, support the contention th a t these drugs have
327
religious significance and acceptably safe uses as fa c ilita to rs o f s p iritu a l
p ractice.
E d u catio n a l practice.
U sers o f psychedelics a re often assum ed to be m erely irresponsible
pleasure seekers, and th e use o f psychedelics is conflated w ith th e use o f
other drugs w ith v a s tly d iffe re n t effects. P o p u lar "drug education"
program s provide ve ry little basis upon w hich to tease out th e differences
am ong various drugs and d ru g effects, or to consider th e ir risks in re la tio n
to th e ir benefits (Beck, 1998; B row n, D 'E m idio -C aston, K aufm an,
Golds w o rth y -H a n n e r & A lio to , 1995; Goode, 1993; Rosenbaum , 1996) .
R ath er th a n exclusively presenting the stories o f abstainers or persons "in
recovery," whose d ru g use has been uncontrolled o r problem atic, drug
education program s m ig h t p ro fitab ly include th e stories of m oderate users
as positive role models w ho h a ve some ,personal strategies fo r avoiding
undesirable consequences and m a in ta in in g su stain ab le levels o f use
(Rosenbaum , 1996). T h e stories o f m any o f th e p a rticip an ts in th is study
provide excellent exam ples o f responsible use o f ille g a l drugs by persons
who are otherw ise high -fu n ctio n in g citizens.
Im p lic atio n s fo r fu tu re research
W h ile clin ica l research using psychedelics has been c u rta ile d , it has
acted as a stim u lus to in q u iry in other areas. M a n y o f those in vestig atin g
the neurochem istry o f serotonin, fo r exam ple, a re said to have firs t become
in terested in th is program o f research th ro u g h some personal experience,
exp erim en tal exposure o r research in te re s t in psychedelics (N ichols, 1999).
Psychological researchers have pointed out th a t th e founders o f
transpersonal psychology w ere alm ost a ll stro n g ly influenced by
psychedelic dru g experiences (C o rtrig h t, 1997). T h e re is also a larg e and
328
grow ing n e tw o rk o f u n au th o rized researchers exp lo rin g th e cu ltivatio n ,
extractio n and r itu a l use o f psychedelic plants and drugs, w ith m any
electronic forum s, news groups and In te rn e t web sites, an d several serious
jo u rn als in clu d in g T h e Entheogen R eview . E leu sis. and T h e Entheogen Law
R e p o rte r.
The possible v a lu e o f psychedelic drugs in a psych iatric or
th erap eu tic context has been alm ost com pletely obscured by m edia
sensationalism , unsupervised self-experim entation , poorly designed
research, and m isin fo rm a tio n . I t is d iffic u lt to ob tain le g a l perm ission to
w o rk w ith psychedelics, and th ere is only very m in im a l governm ental,
in s titu tio n a l or p h arm a ceu tic al in d u s try support fo r psychedelic research.
N evertheless, in te re s t in th e p o ten tial usefulness o f psychedelic drugs
persists, and w o rk to reopen research is underw ay (Thyssen, 1999).
Research on th e ra p e u tic uses o f psychedelic drugs enjoyed a b rie f
resurgence o f in te re s t in th e 1970's and 1980's, w hen M D M A was
em ployed by several p sych iatrists and psychologists in program s o f
ex p erim en tal th e ra p y (G re e r & T o lb e rt, 1986; Seym our, 1986). The
perm an en t classificatio n o f M D M A as a Schedule I d ru g un der the
C on trolled Substances A ct in 1986 effectively suspended attem p ts to
in vestigate o f th e v a lu e o f th is practice (Beck & Rosenbaum , 1994), and
focused research on its p o te n tia l neurotoxicity (M c D a n n , Szabo, Scheffel,
D an n als & R ic a u rte , 1998). T h e firs t controlled tr ia l o f th e safety and
efficacy o f M D M A th e ra p y in a clinical population since c rim in a liza tio n has
recen tly been approved in S pain, and tw o o th er studies are in the protocol
developm ent stage in th e U n ite d States and Is ra e l (D o b lin , 2000).
N a tu ra lis tic studies o f th e experiences o f psychedelic drug users are
fa r less encum bered by th e b u reaucratic com plexities and p o litic al
32 9
uncertainties th a t constrain clinical studies o f drug effects. F o r exam ple,
one organization devoted to fostering th e in vestigation o f psychedelics, The
M u ltid is c ip lin a ry A ssociation for Psychedelic Studies (M A P S ), is engaged
in a process o f protocol developm ent and approval fo r c lin ic a l studies of
M D M A - assisted psychotherapy in cancer p atien ts, a process th a t has
taken th irte e n years, and is fa r from com plete. D u rin g th a t period,
members o f th e Association have com pleted three n a tu ra lis tic studies
follow ing up on th e experiences o f p articip an ts o f previous psychedelic
research (D o blin , 1991; D o b lin , 1998; D o b lin et a l., 1999).
These retrospective in te rv ie w studies located and in tervie w ed
participants in some cru cial and in flu e n tia l historic research. R ev isitin g
and exploring th e ir psychedelic experiences w ith these p a rtic ip a n ts has
allowed understandings th a t th ey have developed over decades to become
known, and contem porary constructions o f th e ir experiences to be co
created by p a rtic ip a n ts and research in terview ers. T h is sam e process has
been visible in th is study, as p articip an ts have in te rp re te d and described
th e ir historic psychedelic use in the lig h t o f th e ir c u rre n t social
circum stances, th e ir contem porary understandings and th e ir in teraction s
w ith me, a researcher who has shared some aspects o f th e ir experiences.
In te rv ie w studies th a t explore personal experiences o f d ru g users in
a constructivist paradig m develop from th e co-constructions o f th e
in teractin g p a rticip an ts and researchers, and em phasize those topics and
understandings th a t th e y hold to be m ost salien t and m ean in g fu l. They
m ay explore areas and address subject m a tte r th a t h ave no t been
previously considered, or w hich m ay be challenging to describe using
commonly availab le language and fa m ilia r descriptions. T h ey contain the
possibility for consciousness raisin g , as particip an ts m ay exam ine how
33 0
th ey cam e to the understandings and assessments o f th e ir own experiences
th a t th ey present in n a rra tin g th e ir histories. They present the
op p o rtu nity for the developm ent o f collective stories, as p articip ants m ay
recognize th a t others share s im ila r experiences and perspectives, or m ay
a lte r th e ir appreciation o f th e im portance and m eaning o f th e ir own
experiences by recognizing th e ir relation ship to the experiences o f others.
N a tu ra lis tic studies o f psychedelic drug experiences approach th em
as events th a t occurred in p a rtic u la r histo rical moments and specific social
w orlds. F u rth e r research w ith historic psychedelic drug users should
continue to explore who these users are today, to w h at uses th ey have p u t
psychedelics, w h at in fo rm atio n and understanding they have derived from
th e ir experiences, and how th ey perceive th e ir experiences to have
influenced them . In ad d itio n , research th a t system atically explores specific
contexts o f use or p a rtic u la r social w orlds would be useful to develop
understanding o f how d iffe re n t dim ensions o f psychedelic experiences m ay
be hig h lig h ted by aspects o f set, settin g and m a trix .
In addition, fu rth e r exploration o f the sociohistorical im portance o f
the use o f psychedelic drugs should address social m atrices and c u ltu ra l
assum ptions th a t have provided a "set and setting" for cu rren t societal
responses to unusual states o f consciousness and a lte rn a tiv e re a litie s . T h e
h isto ry o f th e rediscovery, exploration and condem nation o f psychedelic
drug use in tw en tieth -cen tu ry A m erica, lik e an in d ivid u al psychedelic
experience, evolved from an complex in teractio n o f drug, set, settin g and
m a trix . Study o f th e specific ways th a t contem porary A m erican
perspectives on these substances d iffe r from , fo r exam ple, those o f th e ir
tra d itio n a l indigenous users, m ay provide im p o rtan t insights in to aspects
o f contem porary cu ltu re and consciousness.
33 1
Social im plications
A lth o u g h conservatism has dom inated decades o f e le cto ra l politics, it
has no t been able to entice the genie o f p lu ralism back in to th e bo ttle.
A ccording to H a n a n (1 995 ) "attach in g disgrace to drug use is th e hidden
keystone o f th e cam paign to sm ear th e e n tire range o f lib e ra to ry idealism
th a t a q u a rte r-c e n tu ry ago gave hope, h e a rt, and ch aracter to a
generation" (p. 15). W h eth er or not th is is so, th e concept th a t ta k in g
psychedelic drugs could be benign and even beneficial is p o litic a lly
ex trem ely unpopular in contem porary A m erica, although i t has been a
po pu lar view fo r m ille n n ia . M a n y users o f psychedelics sim p ly w a n t to get
hig h , a goal th a t provokes less sym p ath y and m ore social repression th an
th e ra p e u tic or religious uses and fu rth e r serves to obscure th e possibilities
o f these substances to produce b en eficial effects.
T h e insights, ideals and com m itm ents th a t m any o f th e p articip an ts
in th is study brought home from th e ir psychedelic experiences have
co ntrib uted to th e ir fo rm ation as socially responsible, e th ic a l and hum ane
citizens. P articip an ts who are p arents often expressed th e ir w ish to
tra n s m it th e ir psychedelic insights and understandings to th e ir children.
W h ile m any respondents acknowledged th a t th ere is an u n m istak ab le
discrepancy between ideals and in sigh ts th a t th ey connect to th e ir
psychedelic experiences and values and com m itm ents th a t s tru c tu re th e ir
d a ily lives, n e arly every respondent described ways in w h ich his o r h er
ethics, s p iritu a l beliefs and d a ily practices had been form ed by insights
d erived from psychedelic experiences.
In th e ir n a rratives , p a rticip an ts in th is study re la te d th e ir
experiences o f interconnectedness w ith N a tu re , w ith D e ity , an d w ith
others, and m any described how these experiences had led th e m to engage
332
in p o litic al activism , ta k e up p h ilan th ro p y, u n d e rta ke ecological
resto ratio n , or e n te r p u blic service. T h e ir psychedelic experiences did not
encourage these p a rtic ip a n ts to tu rn aw ay from social responsibilities, b u t
seem to have moved th em to become m ore involved in carin g fo r the
com m unity and the n a tu ra l en viron m ent. T h e ir n a rra tiv e s present the
perspectives of psychedelic drug users w ho are c u ltu ra lly and p o litic a lly
v ita l, and whose psychedelic experiences have had life lo n g im plications not
only fo r th e ir personal g ro w th and s p iritu a l developm ent, b u t also for th e ir
com m unity involvem ent an d p o litic a l activism .
N evertheless, p a rtic u la rly fo r those respondents who are cu rren t
users, revealin g th e im po rtance o f th e psychedelics in th e ir lives m ay be a
disservice. I t has been suggested th a t rep o rtin g on th e ac tivities o f a
stigm atized group m ig h t "b reak th e protective cloak o f secrecy in w hich a
subjugated population w rap s its e lf, and m a k e it m ore accessible to
m an ip u la tio n and control" (N icolaus, 1969, p. 104). A co n trastin g po int o f
view suggests th a t it benefits a stigm atized group fo r m any d ifferen t
descriptions o f th e ir lifesty les and practices to be circu lated (K irb y &
C orzine, 1981).
D espite th e ir h isto ric im portance and in trig u in g possibilities, public
advocacy o f le g itim a tin g use o f psychedelics fo r th e ir p o te n tia l benefits is a
d is tin c tly m in o rity position. One o f th e m ost outspoken and a rtic u la te
spokespeople for th is position was a u th o r and le c tu re r Terence M cK enna.
In a public address in N e w Y o rk 1993, M cK enn a claim ed th a t it has been
th e project o f a thousand years of W estern c iv iliza tio n to elim in a te
recognition o f a common an d interconnecting S p irit fro m "a ll explanations
o f how re a lity w orks, or th e p ersonality w orks, or a n y th in g works," and
suggested th a t th e absence o f th is recognition perm its h u m an beings to
333
im agine th a t th ey can despoil the n a tu ra l environm ent and loot the fu tu re
w ith im p u n ity . M cK enna suggested th a t, as "the last m in o rity on th e
p lan e t to claim its c iv il rights," those w ho have used psychedelics to
achieve im p o rta n t and in flu e n tia l visions "w ill have to stand up and be
counted or be confined, compromised, an d sold down th e riv e r by people
who can't th in k o f an yth ing b etter to do w ith the w orld th a n fabricate i t
in to stupid products and sell it" (H ill, 1993).
S everal decades ago, A lan W atts and A la n G insberg were asked
how the "explosion o f consciousness" occasioned by large num bers o f people
h avin g access to psychedelics m ig h t be in te g ra te d in to every day life
(S taffo rd , 1971). Th ey suggested th a t, lik e m yth ic heroes re tu rn in g from
th e ir arch etypal jo u rn ey o f tran sfo rm atio n , psychedelic d ru g users w ould
b rin g som ething back to show w here th e y had been, as a g ift to the
com m unity. I f re tu rn in g "psychonauts" could tra n s la te th e ir vision in to a
s k ill, a language or a discipline, th ey agreed, it could be used to w o rk fo r
the com m onweal, in a process s im ila r to th e B uddhist id eal o f lib eratio n o f
a ll beings. F o r th is process W atts coined a new slogan: "T urn on, T u ne in ,
T ake over" (p. 105). I t is a slogan whose tim e has come.
334
Footnotes
1. The psychopomp is th e o fficial in in itia tio n m ystery rites o f
Classical a n tiq u ity whose resp onsibility it w as to conduct th e in itia n d
safely through th e perils o f th e in itia to ry process. The guidance and
leadership provided by th is person is represented in m any decorative
motifs found in Classical cerem onial sites as th e "G reek key" design, th a t
symbolizes th e ir interlocked fingers as th e psychopomp leads the in itia n d
through the m ysteries.
2. I am indebted to A dele C la rk e fo r th e concept o f iden tifyin g the
range o f variation as an a lte rn a tiv e to p rovidin g negative case analyses.
335
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37 1
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37 2
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37 3
A ppendix 1: A pproved P rotocol
1. S T U D Y A IM , B A C K G R O U N D A N D D E S IG N : S tu d y A im : The
purpose o f th is research is to in vestig ate th e im p o rta n t influences o f a
h isto ry o f psychedelic d rug use in th e lives o f h e a lth y ad u lts ages th irty
fiv e to s ix ty fiv e . T h e ap p lican t is a D octoral C an d id ate in th e School o f
N u rsin g ; and w ill m ake use o f th e d a ta collected in h e r doctoral
d isse rta tio n B ackg ro u n d : In 1992, th e N a tio n a l In s titu te on D ru g Abuse
H ousehold S u rvey found th a t 7.6% o f th e to ta l U S p o pu latio n had used a
psychedelic d ru g a t some tim e in th e ir lives and 5.5% repo rted L S D use
(H ousehold S u rvey on D ru g Abuse, 1996). In a rand om sam ple o f e ig h t
N ew E n g lan d schools in 1984, n in e percent o f n u rs in g students and
seventeen p ercen t o f m edical students self-rep o rted th a t th ey had used
psychedelic drugs (M c A u liffe e t a l., 1984) . These fin d in g s w ere consistent
w ith p a tte rn s found in fourteen o th er surveys conducted betw een 1966 an d
1972. D esp ite th e la rg e num bers o f people w ho cla im to have used
psychedelics, th e long range effects o f th e use o f these substances on
in d iv id u a ls and on society in general are re la tiv e ly unexam ined a t p resen t.
A lth oug h occasional use o f illic it drugs is n o t considered to be m edical
evidence o f a p sych iatric disorder unless it leads to adverse consequences
fo r th e in d iv id u a l, governm ent agencies re fe r to an y use o f illic it
substances as d ru g abuse. H isto ric survey research d a ta thus suggest
th a t th e re are la rg e num bers o f m iddle-aged a d u lts w ith a h isto ry o f "drug
abuse" whose use o f psychedelics m ay no t have ever serio usly in te rfe re d
w ith th e ir econom ic, physical or social fu n ctio n in g , and whose d rug use
37 4
histo ry is unseen in th e ir present liv es. I t is th is sizable, in v is ib le
population th a t th is study w ill consider. S tu d y D esig n : T h is is an
ethnographic stu d y, using sem i-stru ctu red in te rv ie w s and questionnaires
to ob tain d a ta .
2 . S U B J E C T P O P U L A T IO N : T h e p o te n tia l subjects fo r th is research are
m ale and fem ale a d u lts , ages 3 5 -6 5 , w ho have a h is to ry o f th re e or m ore
episodes o f use o f L S D , M D M A , o r o th er psychedelic drugs. A ll subjects
w ill be E n g lish -sp eakin g and capable o f g ivin g consent. Access to p o te n tia l
subjects w ill be o b tain ed by snow ball sam p ling , begin nin g from
experienced in d iv id u a ls alre a d y know n to th e researcher. Subjects w ill not
be asked to provide th e nam es o f o th er p o te n tia l subjects. R ecru itm en t w ill
be accom plished by askin g in terview ees to in v ite o th er p o te n tia l
subjects to contact th e in te rv ie w e r. A ll w ill be inform ed as to th e n a tu re o f
th e project and w ill give v o lu n ta ry consent to p a rtic ip a te .
3. P R O C E D U R E S : N o m edical or ph ysical procedures w ill be conducted.
D a ta w ill be ob tain ed from liv in g h u m an subjects by conducting in - depth
taped in tervie w s o f in d iv id u a ls an d by ad m in is te rin g questionnaires. The
d ata collected w ill be used sp ecifically fo r research purposes.
In terview s w ill ta k e th e fo rm o f a life h is to ry , w ill include fa m ily , education
and w ork h is to ry , and w ill ta k e ap p ro xim ately tw o hours. In ad d itio n , a
stru ctu red, closed-ended q u estio n n aire w ill be ad m in istered to collect
dem ographic d a ta and d ru g use h is to ry in d e ta il. The qu estion naire w ill be
adm inistered a fte r th e in te rv ie w , and w ill ta k e 30 to 45 m in u tes to
com plete. B oth th e in te rv ie w and th e q u estion naire w ill probe fo r d e tailed
in fo rm atio n ab ou t specific psychedelics and th e ir contexts o f use. U ser
beliefs about psychedelics, and user expectations, m o tivatio n s ,
375
preferences, p a tte rn s and problem s re la te d to d ru g use w ill be assessed in -
depth.
4 . R IS K S : A p o te n tia l ris k to subjects is loss o f c o n fid e n tia lity and
exposure a fte r h a v in g revealed in fo rm a tio n about ille g a l a c tiv itie s (d ru g
use). A n a d d itio n a l p o te n tia l ris k is em otional upset a fte r h a v in g revealed
p ersonal in fo rm a tio n . A ll q u estio n n aires, in te rv ie w tra n s c rip ts , an d o th er
research records w ill be stored w ith subject num bers o n ly. N o subject
nam es or o th er id e n tify in g in fo rm a tio n w ill be collected as d a ta . A n y
nam es th a t m ay ap p ear in ta p ed in te rv ie w s w ill be erased by th e
research er p rio r to tra n s c rip tio n . Tapes w ill be erased p ro m p tly fo llo w in g
tra n s c rip tio n . A ll d a ta produced w ill be fre e o f an y id e n tify in g m a te ria l.
E m o tio n al upset on th e p a rt o f th e subjects is expected to be e x tre m e ly
ra re , based on th e experience o f o th er researchers. I f an y subject should
becom e distressed, he o r she m ay w ith d ra w from th e in te rv ie w a t an y
tim e . T h e researcher is a p rim a ry h e a lth care p ro vid er, accustom ed to
p ro vid in g counseling; and has h ad extensive tr a in in g and experience in
counseling psychedelic drug users as a research as sis tan t to S ta n is la v
G ro f M D , and as a H a ig h t A sh bury F ree C lin ic s ta ff
m em ber. Subjects w ill be encouraged to contact th e research er i f an y
em o tio n al upset is experienced fo llo w in g th e in te rv ie w .
5 . B E N E F IT S : O n an in d iv id u a l basis, subjects w ill have an o p p o rtu n ity
to describe, discuss, and re fle c t on m any aspects o f th e ir liv e s . T h ey w ill be
fre e ly able to give th e ir view s on d ru g use, p a rtic u la rly psychedelic d ru g
use. Society w ill b e n e fit by extension o f th e body o f know ledge on
psychedelic drug use. T h is know ledge base w ill support th e design an d
im p lem en tatio n o f p reven tio n , h a rm redu ctio n and b e n e fit m a x im iza tio n
effo rts re la te d to th e use o f psychedelic drugs.
376
6 . C O N S E N T P R O C E S S A N D D O C U M E N T A T IO N : E ach subject w ill
be provided w ith a com prehensive exp lan atio n o f th e purpose o f th e study;
th e d e ta ils o f th e research procedures; th e possible risks ; th e am ount o f
tim e needed fo r th e in te rv ie w ; th e procedure o f ta p in g th e in te rv ie w ; and
p o te n tia l b en efits to society o f th e in fo rm a tio n g ath ered in th is study.
Subjects w ill also be in fo rm ed o f th e ir option to w ith d ra w from th e
in te rv ie w a t an y tim e ; th e ir rig h t to ask questions about th e research; and
th e provisions fo r m a in ta in in g c o n fid e n tia lity - A ll o f th is in fo rm atio n w ill be
given v e rb a lly . P a rtic ip a n ts w ill a d d itio n a lly be asked to read p rin te d form
co n tain in g a ll th e in fo rm a tio n lis te d above. The subject w ill give consent
v e rb a lly . A w a iv e r o f signed consent is requested since th e only record
lin k in g th e subject to th e stu d y w ould be th e consent docum ent, and th e
p rin c ip le ris k w ould be p o te n tia l h a rm re s u ltin g fro m breach o f
c o n fid e n tia lity -

7 . Q U A L IF IC A T IO N S O F IN V E S T IG A T O R S : M a ria v itto ria M a n g in i,
M S , R N -C is a D o cto ral C an d id ate in th e School o f N u rsin g . She practices
as a p rim a ry care c lin ic ia n in a ru ra l com m unity c lin ic , and teaches
P harm acology . She w as fo rm e rly th e W om en's H e a lth C o -o rd in ato r a t th e
H a ig h t A sh b u ry F re e M e d ic a l C lin ic . B efore receivin g h e r M aster's
D egree, she w as fo r fiv e years th e P ro gram A d m in is tra to r fo r S ta n is la v
G ro f, M D .
377
A ppendix 2: Inform ation S h eet
U N IV E R S IT Y O F C A L IF O R N IA
IN F O R M A T IO N S H E E T
A . PURPO SE A N D BACKG RO UND
M a ria M a n g in i, M S R N , a doctoral candidate a t th e U n iv e rs ity o f

C a lifo rn ia , and J u lie n e Lipson P h D , h e r advisor, are conducting a
research study to explore experiences and b eliefs about psychedelic
drugs. I am being asked to p a rtic ip a te in th is study because I have
used psychedelic drugs in th e past.
B . PRO CEDURES
I f I agree to be in th is study, th e fo llow ing w ill occur:

1. I w ill be in tervie w ed about m y life , in clu d in g m y fa m ily , education
and w o rk h is to ry . T h is in te rv ie w w ill in clud e questions w hich
explore m y experience and beliefs about psychedelic drugs and o th er
p o te n tia lly sen sitive subjects. I w ill be asked about p ast use o f
drugs, and about o th er ille g a l a c tiv itie s in w hich I m ay have
p a rtic ip a te d . T h is in te rv ie w w ill ta k e about tw o hours and w ill be
tap e recorded fo r la te r tra n s c rip tio n .
2. I w ill respond to a questionnaire about m y life h isto ry. T h is w ill

in clud e specific and d etailed questions about m y d ru g use h isto ry. I t
should ta k e about fo rty fiv e m inutes to com plete th e qu estion naire.
These procedures w ill be done a t a location th a t I m ay select; and

w ill ta k e a to ta l tim e o f about th ree hours.
37 8
C . R IS K S /D IS C O M F O R T S
1. C o n fid e n tia lity : P a rtic ip a tio n in th is research m ay in vo lve a loss

o f p rivacy; how ever, m y records w ill be h an d led as c o n fid e n tia lly as
possible. O n ly th e in te rv ie w e r th a t m eets w ith m e and th e
tra n s c rip tio n is t w ill have access to m y tap es. A n y personal nam es
used in th e in te rv ie w w ill be erased by th e in te rv ie w e r before
tra n s c rip tio n . T h e tapes w ill destroyed a fte r th e in te rv ie w is
tran scrib ed . O n ly th e s ta ff o f th e stu d y w ill have access to th e
tra n s c rip t o f m y in te rv ie w an d to m y com pleted q u estio n n aire. A n
in te rv ie w nu m b er w ill be used on a ll p ro ject records, tra n s c rip ts ,
and s ta ff discussions o f d a ta . N o record o f m y nam e o r o th er
id e n tify in g ch aracteristics such as S ocial S e c u rity num ber o r
b irth d a te w ill be m ade b y th e stu d y. N o in d iv id u a l id e n titie s w ill be
p a rt o f an y rep o rts o r p u b licatio n s th a t m ay re s u lt fro m th is study.
In fo rm a tio n obtained in th is stu d y is n o t protected fro m subpoena or
co u rt ordered disclosure. A lth o u g h th e research er w ill m ake no
record o f m y nam e o r an y o th e r id e n tify in g d a ta th a t could be used
to lin k m y id e n tity to th e in fo rm a tio n th a t I provide, no leg al
p ro tectio n o f p riv ile g e d com m unication exists fo r research stu d y
d a ta .
2. E m o tio n al U pset: I m ay be em o tio n ally upset by re v e a lin g
personal in fo rm a tio n . I m ay stop th e in te rv ie w , o r w ith d ra w fro m th e
stu d y a t an y tim e , fo r any reason. I f I becom e upset fo llo w in g th e
in te rv ie w , I m ay contact th e in te rv ie w e r a t an y tim e to discuss m y
concerns an d feelin g s.
D . B E N E F IT S
T h ere w ill be no d ire c t b e n e fit to m e fro m p a rtic ip a tin g in th is study;

how ever, th e in fo rm a tio n th a t I provide m ay h elp h e a lth professionals
and others to b e tte r u n d erstan d people's experiences an d beliefs about
psychedelic drugs.
E. C O S TS
379
T h e re w ill be no costs to m e as a re s u lt o f ta k in g p a rt in th is study.
F. P A YM EN T
I w ill n o t be p a id fo r m y p a rtic ip a tio n in th is study.
G . Q U E S T IO N S
I have ta lk e d to th e in te rv ie w e r, M a ria M a n g in i, about th is stu d y,

and I h ave had m y questions answ ered. I f I have fu rth e r questions, I
m ay co n tact h e r a t 51 0 652 13 24. I m ay contact h e r fa c u lty ad visor,
D r. L ip so n , a t 41 5 4 7 6 39 81.
I f I have an y com m ents o r concerns about p a rtic ip a tio n in th is
stu d y, I should firs t ta lk to th e in te rv ie w e r, o r to h e r fa c u lty advisor; o r
c a ll th e stu d y office. I f fo r some reason I do n o t w ish to do th is , I m ay
contact th e C om m ittee on H u m an Research o f th e U n iv e rs ity o f
C a lifo rn ia , S an Francisco, w h ich is concerned w ith th e p rotection o f
vo lu n teers in research projects. I m ay reach th e com m ittee office
b etw een 8:00 an d 5 :0 0 , M o n d ay th ro u g h F rid a y , by c a llin g (4 1 5 ) 4 7 6 -
1814, o r b y w ritin g : C o m m ittee on H u m an R esearch, B ox 0962,
U n iv e rs ity o f C a lifo rn ia , S an Francisco/S an Francisco, C A 94143.
H . CO NSENT
I w ill be given a copy o f th is in fo rm a tio n sheet form to keep.
P a r tic ip a tio n in re s e a rc h is v o lu n ta ry . I a m fr e e to d e c lin e to b e

in th is s tu d y , o r to w ith d r a w fro m i t a t a n y p o in t.
I f I agree to p a rtic ip a te , I should s tate th a t I v o lu n te e r to b e a

re s e a rc h s u b je c t in th is s tu d y to th e in te rv ie w e r.
380
A p p en d ix 3: In te rv ie w
Interview Face sheet
initials
date
place and time
age
gender
occupation
education
parents/ethnicity/birth order
children
geographic location
personal interests
visual data re: respondent and location
mood and state of consciousness of respondent
others present
381
W h at do you th in k is im p o rta n t to study about psychedelics? Is th a t th e
te rm you p re fe r fo r these substances?
W h at m o tivated you to ta k e psychedelics? W h a t w ere your goals?
W h at w ere yo u r expectations fo r yo ur firs t psychedelic experience?
W h at do you rem em ber about your psychedelic experiences?
H ow m uch d id you take?
H ow did you know th at?
T e ll m e about your best or m ost sig n ifican t trip and how
you came to ta k e it.
Do you fe el th e re w ere an y changes in your life as a re s u lt o f th e
experience(s) (s h o rt & long term )? Qead in to b rie f biography)
H ow did yo ur psychedelic experience(s) affect yo ur lo ng-term em otional
health?
W as yo ur subsequent relatio n sh ip w ith o th er drugs influenced in any w ay
by your psychedelic experience (s)? W h a t w as yo ur d rug use before and
after? H ow freq uen t? (L S D , other psychedelics, non-psychedelic drugs,
alcohol)
How did yo u r psychedelic experience(s) affect your un derstanding o f
yourself? o f others?
38 2
To w h a t e x te n t did psychedelic d ru g use im p act yo u r values and yo u r
goals?
H as th e use o f psychedelics changed th e w ay you th in k ?
H as th e use o f psychedelics im pacted yo u r c re a tiv ity ?
D id a n y th in g in yo u r experience(s) suggest a relig io u s o r s p iritu a l
connotation? H as th e use o f psychedelics in flu en ced yo u r s p iritu a l life?
H as th e use o f psychedelics affected an y o f yo u r a ttitu d e s to w ard s death?
H ave you had an y spontaneous experiences th a t rem in d you o f yo u r
experiences w ith psychedelics??
A re there differences a m o n g the differen t p sych ed elics th a t yo u h ave u sed

in the w a ys th a t they affect y o u ?
D id you receive any g u id a n ce a bou t how to trip (w h a t to d o o r to expect)

from anyone? Who? H ow w a s th is done?
Do you have an y children? I f so, describe an y discussions you h ad
w ith them on th e topic o f psychedelics, (circum stances, etc.?)
W h a t do you te ll yo ur c h ild re n (o r o th er young people w ho are close to you)
about drugs in general?
38 3
Should th ere b e leg a l con texts for p sych ed elic experien ces?
W h a t typ e o f s e ttin g should th e experience be in? (C lin ic a l, a t hom e, etc.)
Do you see a n y use fo r psychedelics in th erapy?
Do you have a n y lo n g -term h e a lth problem s as a re s u lt o f ta k in g
psychedelics?
Do you have a n y plan s fo r fu tu re use? C ontext? Frequency?
Why are p sy c h e d e lic s ille g a l?
D oes P D U com e u p in conversations?

W ho know s ab o u t yo u r use o f psychedelics:
In y o u r so cial circle? In yo u r w orkplace? In yo u r fam ily?
W h a t do you te ll these people about yo ur use o f psychedelics?
H ow d o you decide?
Is th e re anyone fro m w hom you pu rp o sely keep y o u r use o f psychedelics
secret? W ho an d w hy? H ow do you keep it secret?
D id y o u learn a n y th in g from psych edelics? W h at d id they teach you?
W ould you do i t again? W ould you do a n y th in g d ifferen t?
H ow is yo u r life w orking? (Is yo u r life w orking?)
384
Probe if there is an opening:
A re th e re d iffe re n t levels o f re a lity? A re th o u g h ts and m e n ta l im ages "re a l”
in some way? In th e sam e w ay as m a te ria l objects?
F o r m entions o f “drop o u t” ask: D id you drop back in? H ow d id you
accom plish th at? H ow h a rd was it?
C an you be changed or harm ed by ta k in g psychedelics in th e w rong
s itu a tio n or by a bad o r unpleasant experience?
385
A ppendix 4: P erson al Issues
I could not believe th a t S atan , i f he w ished to deceive m e, could have

recourse to m eans so adverse to h is purpose as th is , o f ro o tin g out m y
fa u lts and im p la n tin g v irtu e s and s p iritu a l strength; fo r I saw clearly
th a t I had become an oth er person b y m eans o f these visions.
S a in t T eresa o f A v ila
V alues o f th e In q u ire r
A t th e age o f 50, I am ju s t old enough to share w ith th e "psychedelic
elders” th e experience o f h avin g ta k e n L S D before it w as an ille g a l drug. I
grew up in th e m id-p en insu la a rea n e a r S an Francisco, w h ere as a high
school stu d en t m y in te re s t in fo lk m usic brou gh t m e in to th e sam e social
circles as th e young m usicians who becam e G ra te fu l D ead. I firs t took LS D
a t th e age o f (alm o st) 16 a t th e T rip s F e s tiv a l in 1966, w ith no p rep aratio n ,
no previous experience o f any a rtific ia lly a lte re d state o f consciousness, nor
any in k lin g o f w h a t to expect. The T rip s F e s tiv a l has been described by th e
V irtu a l H a ig h t A sh bury A rchive:
The th ree-d ay T rip s F e s tiv a l, h eld a t Longhorem an’s H a ll in San
Francisco, w as th e u n o ffic ia l "com ing-out” p a rty fo r th e grow ing
psychedelic com m unity. H e ld in J a n u a ry 1966, it w as conceived by
S te w a rt B ran d , o f W hole E a rth fam e, w ho saw it as an o p p o rtu n ity to
ra is e consciousness about th e A m erican In d ia n , and by th e M e rry
P ra n ks ters, w ho envisioned it as a larg e-scale pu blic A cid T est.
A tten d ed by thousands who “fre a k e d fre e ly ," it fe atu re d every sig ht
and sound im aginab le: m im e exh ib itio n s, lig h t shows, g u e rrilla th e a te r,
386
day-glo bodies bouncing on tram p o lin es, th e m usic o f T h e G ra te fu l
D ead and B ig B ro th er and th e H o ld in g C o., and th e m em orable rap
perform ance o f N e il C assady. (a v a ila b le at:
h ttp ://w w w .B ix ties .co m /h tm l/ev en ts.h tm l)
A lth oug h th e "s ettin g ” o f th e experience w as chaotic and u n fa m iliar, th e
"set” th a t I b ro u g h t to th a t L S D trip seems to m e now to have been th e
facto r m ost im p o rta n t in d eterm in in g its content and n a tu re .
I had been raised in th e R om an C ath olic C h u rch an d , lik e m any
fem ale C ath o lic adolescents, I had a ro m an ticized view o f th e relig io u s life
and a so rt o f a crush on God. I w as, a t th e tim e , a p u p il o f th e S isters o f
N o tre D am e de N a m u r, who w ere im m ersing m e in a classical education
th a t included L a tin , F ren ch , A pologetics, P hilosophy, C o m p arative
R elig io n , and E th ic s , as w e ll as th e m ore usual h ig h school subjects. I was
a m em ber o f th e S o d ality o f M a ry , a relig ious o rg a n iza tio n o f young
C ath o lic w om en, and I served as th e S acristan fo r th e S is te r’s chapel a t
m y school, d a ily a rra n g in g th e a lta r flo w ers, an d la u n d e rin g and la y in g
out fo r th e use o f th e C h ap lain th e vestm ents fo r m o rn in g M ass in a h ig h ly
sym bolic and self-contain ed little m ediatio n before m y classes began.
I was fo rtu n a te enough to be th e student o f S is te r M o nica J u lie , a
serig rap h er an d g rap h ic a rtis t, and a lifelo n g frie n d o f th e w ell-kn o w n
graphic designer S is te r C o rita K e n t. B oth o f these w om en w ere m asters o f
th e tan g ib le rep res en tatio n o f th e splendor, richness an d co lo rfu l vib ran cy
o f th e sacred. B o th w orked in m any m edia, expressed them selves non-
re p re s e n ta tio n a lly , and com m unicated elo q u en tly th e excitem en t o f th e
deeply s p iritu a l life . Because o f th e ir in fluence, and th e progressive and
p o litic a lly en lig h ten ed atm osphere a t m y school, I w as n o t a fra id o f new
experiences, even i f some ris k s w ere involved. B efo re m y L S D experience, I
38 7
h ad a lre a d y p a rtic ip a te d in several C iv il R igh ts dem onstrations, once
b ein g b a ile d o u t, along w ith several m em bers o f m y H onors E n g lis h class
and o u r teach er, R itaJo M a rs h , by th e h ig h school p rin c ip a l, S is te r
F ran cis L o re tto . These fe m a le m entors, fearless, v iv id , ru th le s s ly
com m itted to th e service o f peace and ju s tic e , and in love w ith th e te x tu re
and b eau ty o f C reatio n , ta u g h t m e to speak m y tru th , to be courageous,
and to see th e sensual deliciousness o f th e w o rld as th e g ift o f God’s grace
every day. I fe lt th a t I belonged to a re lig io n o f celeb ration .

Placehn cnmmnninn
I w as, to say th e le a s t, p ro fo u n d ly surprised by th e im p ac t o f L S D .
W h ile I had been a re g u la r com m unicant a ll o f m y adolescence, and I
understood th a t I was re c e iv in g th e M y s tic a l Body o f C h ris t in th a t
sacram ent, th e L S D experience o f com m union w as fa r m ore convincing.
T h e fa m ilia r ritu a l o f re c e iv in g -the H o s t seem ed lik e a placebo. L S D gave
th e d ire c t experience o f re c e iv in g God w ith in , a state I w as rh e to ric a lly , i f
no t e x p e rie n tia lly , prep ared to recognize. Som ething about th e psychedelic
experience w as so u n m is ta k a b ly tru e , rig h t, and un derstand ab le th a t,
despite th e lu rid scenery, I kn ew th a t I h ad come to a fa m iliar and
cherished place. I continue to th in k and speak o f L S D as th e suprem e
S acram en t to th is day.
M uch changed fo r m e in th e n e x t 18 m onths. T h e pow er o f th e LS D
experience had a conceptual co n ta in e r ready-m ade fo r it in m y e a rly
tra in in g . I had been s y s te m a tic a lly ta u g h t by m y s p iritu a l advisors th a t
u n ific a tio n w ith th e G odhead such as I h a d experienced w as th e in n erm o st
re a lity and tru e goal o f h u m an life . N o th in g else in m y life seem ed n e a rly
as in te re s tin g . I fe lt ve ry d eep ly th a t I h a d moved from th e m a rg in in to th e
cen ter. Th e fa c t th a t th is re lo c a tio n cam e packaged w ith an exo tic social
38 8
re a lity th a t w as th e edgy creatio n o f m y y o u th fu l peers, and w h ich w as
d is tin c tly d iffe re n t from m y life as a C ath o lic schoolgirl, was p a rt o f th e
fascin atio n . I w as sim u ltan eo u sly m oving from th e center in to th e m a rg in .
M y hig h school g rad u atio n p a rty in June 1967 was th e M o n terey
Pop F e s tiv a l, w hich m y closest frie n d s and I atten ded as a group. Th e
a ttra c tio n was c u ltu ra l, ra th e r th a n pharm acological, and I d id n o t ta k e
L S D ag ain fo r alm ost tw o years a fte r m y firs t experience. I had "come o u t
in S ociety,” b u t it was n o t a t th e C o tillio n , b u t a t th e F illm o re , and th e
F a m ily Dog. I had become fu ll a d u lt m em ber o f a society o f th e young, in
w hich w e w ere m akin g up th e custom s and ru les ourselves, fu eled by m usic
and u n u su al experiences. I w as due to e n te r college in th e F a ll o f 1967, an d
m y p aren ts w ere ad am an t th a t I w ould n o t go to U C B erkeley, m y personal
firs t choice, as it seem ed m uch too close to th e H a ig h t A shbury, w here I
had begun to spend m ore tim e as th e Sum m er o f Love unfolded.
C ircum stances determ in ed th a t I w ould go to V assar College in
Poughkeepsie, N ew Y o rk , close to m y p a te rn a l grandparents in
M a n h a tta n . W h a t no one in C a lifo rn ia grasped was th a t V assar w as also
less th a n 15 m iles from M illb ro o k , T im o th y L e a ry and R ich ard A lp e rt’s
exp erim en tal le a rn in g cen ter fo r th e use o f psychedelics.
M illb ro o k
W h ile a tte n d in g college a t V ass ar, I began sm oking m a riju a n a ,
a lb e it w ith some tre p id a tio n ab o u t both cannabis’ bad re p u ta tio n as a
gatew ay drug and about detectio n . T h e w o rst effect th a t I experienced w as
a nonstop re p la y o f th e S atu rd ay m ornin g cartoons I had seen on te le v is io n
as a c h ild . W hen L S D becam e a v a ila b le to m e, I took it w ith frien d s in a
rem ote p a rt o f th e V assar fa rm . I m ade m y w ay to M illb ro o k as soon as I
could arran g e to do so. M y closest w om an frie n d and I w ere tw o o f th e la s t
389
and youngest people to p a rtic ip a te in th e co m m un ity life o f th e C a s ta lia
Foundation (nam ed a fte r a utopian com m unity in H erm a n H esse’s The
G lass Bead fiflm a ) before th e estate w as closed an d th e psychedelic
experim en ters th ere w ere evicted . W e ap p ear b rie fly and anonym ously in
A rt K leps’ book M illb ro o k (K leps, 1975).
A t M illb ro o k I had o p po rtu nities to ta k e m ore L S D , th is tim e in th e
com pany o f philosophers, students o f E a s te rn re lig io n , psychological
th eo rists and obvious lu n atics. P olice ra id s co n ven ien tly d id n ’t occur w hen
I happened to be th e re , so I m issed being a rrested . I had a classic
“bum m er” on S TP a t th e M illb ro o k e s ta te , d u rin g w h ich I trie d to cook
d in n e r fo r th irty , and succeeded o n ly in clogging a ll th e p lu m b in g w ith th e
rem ains o f a huge curdled custard. As p a rt o f T im o th y ’s crew o f yo u th , I
tra v e le d to s e v e ra l psychedelic celeb ration s a t w h ich we trie d , m ostly
unsuccessfully, to give th e non-drug-using com m u n it y a sense o f w h a t a
psychedelic experience w as lik e w ith th e a id o f lig h ts , m usic, and a guided
m ed itatio n . W hen th e owners o f th e es tate, m em bers o f th e M e llo n ha n k in g
fa m ily who h ad ta k e n a lik in g to T im o th y , closed th e p ro p erty and evicted
th e occupants, I becam e p a rt o f a loosely org an ized com m unal group
nearby a t S o jai F a rm w ith whom I continued to ta k e a ritu a liz e d an n u al
E a s te r A cid T rip . A m azin g ly, I m anaged to do enough college w o rk to
g rad u ate, and to m a tric u la te in th e M a s te r’s p ro g ram in C om m unications
a t San Francisco S ta te in th e F a ll o f 1971.

Th e S ecret T rib e
One o f th e senior fa cu lty m em bers in m y g rad u ate d ep artm en t, as it
developed, shared m y fondness fo r T im L e a ry , and m y experience o f
havin g been p a rt o f one o f his experim ents in c re a tin g a com m unity o f
psychedelic voyagers. H e had been a p a rt o f th e Z ih u a ten ejo , M exico group
390
th a t T im h ad s ta rte d w ith R ichard A lp e rt a fte r le a v in g H a rv a rd , and h ad
a m ajo r an d h is to ric “bad trip ” th e re , d u rin g w h ich he w as both severely
in ju re d an d d etain ed by th e M exican a u th o ritie s . T h is experience is
described b y Ja ck D o w n in g in R ich ard B lu m ’s T h e U to p ia te s and, as
D ow n ing m a in ta in s in h is account, “th is m an b elieved th a t th e e n tire
episode, alth o u g h p a in fu l and frig h te n in g , w as o f d e fin ite valu e in w o rkin g
o u t some deep p e rs o n a lity problem s” (D o w n in g , 1964, p. 159)
As a re s u lt o f m y frien d sh ip w ith th is professor, 1 becam e in vo lved in
w h a t S id n ey Cohen term ed a “psychedelic c lu s te r,” a group th a t g ath ered
to use drugs to approach th e m ysteriu m trem en d u m et fascinosu m (Cohen
& K rip p n e r, 1985; O tto , 1950/1968). T h is is th e group th a t M yron
S to la ro ff describes in T h e S ecret C h ie f (S tolarofF, 1997), and its le a d e r, a
c lin ic a l psychologist w hom S to la ro ff calls “Jacob,” becam e m y frie n d an d
s p iritu a l teach er in 1972. I w as a p a tie n t o f Jacob’s fo r th re e years, an d
d u rin g th a t tim e I p a rtic ip a te d about once e v e ry tw o to th re e m onths in
group psychedelic sessions in w hich I to o k L S D , M D A , ibogaine, yage,
psilocybin m ushroom s, m escaline, and a few com binations o f these
m a te ria ls , in a s tru c tu re d group en viro n m en t. I e v e n tu a lly began to
p a rtic ip a te in these groups as a “s tra ig h t” s ta ff m em ber w ho attended th e
sessions w ith o u t ta k in g an y psychedelics and h elp ed Jacob to provide fo r
th e needs th e trip p e rs .
E salen
Jacob in tro d u ced m e to LS D research er S ta n G ro f in 1975. S ta n an d
m edical an th ro p o lo g ist Joan H a lifa x , h is w ife , had ju s t com pleted several
years o f w o rk a t M a ry la n d P sych iatric R esearch In s titu te on th e
a d m in is tra tio n o f psychedelics to d yin g p a tie n ts as a p a rt o f p a llia tiv e care
(G ro f & H a lifa x , 19 77). I w as h ired b y th e G rofs as an ad m in istrative aid e ,
391
and th e n e xt fiv e years I w orked fo r th e m , (an d a fte r th e ir divorce, fo r
S ta n ) a t E salen In s titu te in B ig S u r, a c tin g as house m istress and
a d m in is tra to r fo r m any six-w eek an d one m onth colloquia on th e
im p lic a tio n s and applications o f v is io n a ry states to aspects o f
psych oth erap y and s p iritu a l g ro w th .
H u n d red s o f "sem inarians" an d a distin guished fa c u lty o f
psychologists, p sych iatrists, philosophers, anthropologists and s p iritu a l
teach ers p a rtic ip a te d in these program s. A m ong o thers, Joseph C am p b ell,
G reg o ry B ateson, M ic h ae l H a m e r, Jo h n W e ir P e rry , T a rth a n g T u lk u ,
K o b in C hino, Seung San Soen S a, J a c k K o m fie ld , E liza b e th K ub ler-R o ss,
Je an H ouston, Chogyam T ru n g p a, B a rb a ra M y e rh o ff, P e te r F u rs t, and
D on Jose M a ts u a acted as scholars-in -resid en ce, a ttra c te d by an in te re s t
in G ro f s th eories about th e realm s o f consciousness th a t could be accessed
u sin g psychedelic drugs.
In R ealm s g£ the H u m an U nconscious. (G ro f, 1975), w h ich was
p u b lish ed d u rin g m y firs t year a t E s a le n , S ta n G ro f describes h is years o f
L S D research, encom passing m ore th a n 3000 sessions, as w e ll as his
synth esis o f F re u d ia n , Ju n g ian , p e rin a ta l an d tran sp erso n al psychology,
in c lu d in g h is th eo ry o f th e existence o f fo u r ty p ic a l clu sters o r p a tte rn s o f
unconscious experience: th e “B asic P e rin a ta l M a trices” (B P M I-IV )
analogous to th e stages o f biological b irth . E ach o f th e p e rin a ta l m atrices
has specific content. B P M I is an experience o f cosmic u n ity , th e analog o f
in tra u te rin e life . B P M H & I I I have concrete and re a lis tic featu res re la te d
to th e firs t and second stages o f la b o r, and B P M IV exem p lifies th e
experience o f b irth its e lf.
T h is carto g rap h y o f th e psyche places th e p e rin a ta l experiences a t
th e g atew ay to th e transpersonal re a lm s , th e regions o f consciousness in
392
w hich one moves beyond th e “skin covered ego” and in to th e realm s o f
“s p iritu a l lib e ra tio n and en ligh ten m ent, a sense o f ecstatic connection w ith
a ll o f creatio n , and m ystical union w ith th e creative p rin cip le in the
un iverse” (G ro f, 1977, p. 28 1). P e rin a ta l experiences accessed through
psychedelic drugs are seen in th is th eo ry to rep resen t a m odern version o f
th e m any secret in itia tio n s and esoteric rite s o f passage practiced
throughout h is to ry th a t produce an experience o f ren ew al and re b irth .
M id w ife ry
G ro fs th e o iy suggests th a t p e rin a ta l m em ories o f one’s biological
b irth form a tem p late fo r organizin g a ll th e d iffic u lt em otional and physical
experiences o f an in d iv id u a l’s personal h is to ry , and th a t by changing th e
b irth experience, th e life experience and its in te rp re ta tio n and in te g ra tio n
by th e in d iv id u a l m ig h t also be changed. In 1 9 8 0 ,1 began tra in in g as a
F a m ily N u rse M id w ife , in order to ap ply th e in sig h ts about p e rin a ta l
experiences gained fro m th e psychedelic w o rk o f S tan G ro f to th e
experiences o f wom en g ivin g b irth . I received m y M S w ith d istin ctio n from
L e in h ard School o f N u rs in g a t Pace U n iv e rs ity , and th en spent alm ost
th re e years w o rkin g in obstetrics a t th e S h ip ro ck, N ew M exico In d ia n
H e a lth S ervice H o s p ita l, w here I had m an y M en d s and clients who
belonged to th e N a tiv e A m erican C hurch, an indigenous relig io n th a t holds
th e Peyote cactus to be sacred.
In 1985, I re tu rn e d to th e B ay A re a w here I received m y m id w ifery
c e rtific a te fro m U C S F . As a C N M /F N P , I becam e a p rin cip al clin ician a t
the H a ig h t A sh bury F re e C lin ic ’s m edical section, and la te r a m em ber o f
its B oard. In 1997, th e C lin ic ’s 30 th a n n iv e rs a ry , I received th e B oard
M em ber o f th e Y e a r aw a rd , as I am th e o n ly person in th e C lin ic’s h isto ry
to have been a barefoot teenage hippie c lie n t, a c lin ic a l s ta ff m em ber, and
393
an o ffic e r o f th e C orporation. I have been a m em ber o f th e E xecutive B oard
fo r th e p ast te n years.
I was asked to jo in th e B oard o f D ire c to rs o f th e S E V A Foundation in
1988, and to c h a ir its N a tiv e A m erican p ro jects. S E V A is an acronym fo r
S ociety fo r E pidem iology and V o lu n ta ry A c tio n , as w e ll as a S a n s k rit w ord
m ean in g selfless service. D u rin g th e fo llo w in g 12 ye a rs , I w orked closely
w ith N a tiv e A m erican com m unity o rg an izatio n s on issues o f sovereignty
and relig io u s freedom , in clu d in g those in v o lv in g th e N a tiv e A m erican
C hu rch. A long w ith several o th er S E V A B o ard m em bers, I am also a 25-
y e a r m em ber o f one o f th e la s t su rv ivin g , successful 1960’s com m unes, th e
H og F a rm .
In m y do cto ral studies a t U n iv e rs ity o f C a lifo rn ia , m y in te re s t has
come to cen ter on n o n -h arm fu l d ru g use. M y p o licy an alysis "E xploring
n o n -h arm fu l d ru g use: Tow ard a new social p o licy” w as published in
M e d ica l T r ia l Technique Q u a rte rly in 1999. M y exten sive review o f th e
h is to ry o f th e ra p e u tic use o f L S D in alcoholism tre a tm e n t appeared in a
D ecem ber 1998 special issue o f th e Jo u rn a l o f P svchoactive D rugs on th e
“M e d ica l A p p licatio n s o f th e H allu cin o g en s,” o f w h ich I w as guest ed ito r
w ith C h arles G rob, M D and George G re e r, M D . I t is p resen tly in
tra n s la tio n fo r re p rin t in T ossicodipen den ze: T h e Ita lia n Jo u rn al o f D ru g
A d d ic tio n . I t is m y in te n tio n to become one o f th e p rin c ip a l
h isto rio g rap h ers o f th e use o f psychedelic drugs.
P ra ctic e fo r P ra x is
In th e u n iv e rs ity d ep artm en t in w h ich I h ave done m y doctoral w o rk,
m any approaches to scholarship and d iffe rin g research m ethodologies are
represented and a t lea st to le ra te d , i f n o t respected. I have found, how ever,
th a t, tru e to th e predictions o f o th er scien tists w hose w o rk is inform ed by
394
an in te rp re tiv e , c o n s tru c tiv is t, postm odern o r c ritic a l scholarship
perspective, I som etim es fin d m y s e lf to be som ew hat m arg in a lized o r
exterio rize d w ith in m y ow n d iscip lin e (Thom pson, 1987). Science, even
w ith in th e w a lle d g ard en o f th e School o f N u rs in g s till m eans to some a:
. . .process in w h ich observable, v e rifia b le d a ta a re syste m a tica lly
collected from th e w o rld th ro u g h o u r senses so th a t w e can describe,
exp lain , and p re d ic t even ts. (W ilso n , 1989, p. 9).
W h ile I w as w arn e d b y th e lite ra tu re o f q u a lita tiv e m ethodology, and
by stories to ld by fa c u lty ad visors, I neverth eless w as un prep ared to
discover a t firs t h a n d th a t, as L in co ln and G uba p u t it, “th e co nventional
paradigm has a le g itim a c y an d an orthodoxy th a t m ake d eviatio n
unacceptable, even u n th in k a b le (L in c o ln & G uba, 1985, p. 178). E ven in
th e perm issive en viro n m e n t o f th e U n iv e rs ity o f C a lifo rn ia , w here th e
d iffe rin g dem ands o f th e co nventional and co n stru ctiv ist paradigm s are
understood by m an y m em bers o f th e fa c u lty , I have encountered some
d iffic u lty in m a in ta in in g “v a lu e resonance” in fu lfillm e n t o f th e
req u irem en ts o f d o cto ral stu d y.
As p a rt o f th e m odal p rog ram th a t is stro n g ly recom m ended to
doctoral students w o rk in g w ith in both th e conventional and th e
n a tu ra lis tic p arad ig m s, I w as expected in m y second te rm to ta k e a class
in “Foundations o f H u m a n H e a lth and N u rs in g System s.” A m ajor class
objective, co nsistent w ith th e a rc h ite c tu ra l m etap h o r o f th e class title , w as
to “substruct” m y phenom enon o f in te re s t. “S ub struction” is an exercise
th a t, w hen used to p la n research , breaks th e phenom enon un d er study in to
its th e o retical and o p e ra tiv e com ponents, and th e n reassem bles th em to
d isp lay a b lu e p rin t o f th e ir a p r io r i relatio n sh ip s and o p eratio n al
d e fin itio n s, “a llo w in g fo r a v is u a liz a tio n o f th e study’s variab les and
39 5
m easures" (W . L . H o lze m e r, personal com m unication, J a n u a ry 3 , 1995),
and “assuring th a t th e th e o re tic a l and o p eratio n al system s a re lin k e d ”
(D u lo ck & H o lzem er, 1991, p. 8 7 ). The re s u ltin g d iag ram m a tic
rep resen tatio n bore little resem blance to th e flu id and som etim es chaotic
q u a lity o f psychedelic experiences, and could no t re a d ily encom pass new
w ays o f view in g th e phenom enon th a t I im agined m ig h t a ris e d u rin g
contact w ith study respondents. I concluded th a t th is w as n o t th e
“fo und ation” upon w hich I w ished to “b u ild ” m y study, and excused m yself
from th e second q u a rte r o f th e class.
Th is was a tu rn in g p o in t in m y developm ent as a s c ie n tis t, an
ep iph any in w hich I recognized th a t m y w ay o f th in k in g, sp eakin g about
and seeing th e w o rld could be o f m y ow n choosing. I t provided a firs t-h a n d
experience o f w h at F o rd -G ilb o e, C am pbell and B erm an (1 9 9 5 ), fo llo w in g
Paolo F re ire , describe as em pow erm ent:
. . . [E] m pow erm ent involves a process o f being subm erged in re a lity ,
and m oving to a s ta te o f ac tive in te rv e n tio n , in d iv id u a lly o r
co llectively, to change th e conditions o f th a t re a lity . . .[T ]h e essen tial
ta s k fo r c ritic a lly o rien ted researchers is to encourage people to
re fle x iv e ly exam ine th e re a litie s o f th e ir lives. E m pow erm ent is , in
essence, a process by w h ich people come in to th e ir ow n sense o f pow er,
a self-em ancipation. (F o rd -G ilb o e e t a l., 1995, p. 17)
I f , as C . W rig h t M ills (1 9 5 9 ) claim ed, know ledge o f th e social co ntext leads
people no t only to u n d erstan d th e ir own experiences b u t also see th e ir own
tra je c to ry , I p ro fited fro m m y exposure to “su bstru ctio n.”
W hen m y g ra n t a p p lic atio n was denied in M ay o f 1998 by th e
H e fite r Research In s titu te , an o rg an izatio n whose m ission is “to conduct
research o f th e h ig h est s c ie n tific q u a lity w ith psychedelic substances in
396
order to contribute to a g re a te r u n derstand ing o f th e m in d , lead in g to th e
im provem ent o f th e h u m an condition, and th e a lle v ia tio n o f su fferin g .”
(H e ffte r Research In s titu te B oard o f D irecto rs, 1998, p. ii), I had an id ea o f
w h at th e d iffic u lty m ig h t be. W h ile th e In s titu te ’s p resid en t, a chem ist,
reassured m e in a p ersonal le tte r th a t th e In s titu te had conducted “a
len g th y discussion” and “a review th a t focuses la rg e ly on th e scien tific
m ethods ou tlin ed w ith in th e proposal,” neverth eless, “th e la c k o f a d riv in g
hypothesis and objective endpoints, and th e lik elih o o d th a t th e study could
not be reproduced by o th e r in vestig ato rs” (D a v id N ich o ls, personal
com m unication, M a y 18, 1998) m ade it im possible fo r H e ffte r to support
m y w o rk. In fo rm a lly , I w as also to ld th a t th e use o f m y personal contacts
to g ain en tree and m y fa ilu re to include a p la n fo r ran d o m izatio n o f th e
study sam ple w ere also considered to be serious fla w s.
Perhaps no one a t th e H e ffte r In s titu te recognized th a t some o f th e ir
requirem ents w ere n o t consistent w ith th e design o f n a tu ra lis tic research.
S h u lam it R ein h arz (1 9 9 0 ) provides a provocative an alysis o f w hy th is
could be so. “W h ite m ales,” she argues, “are tra in e d fo r and associated
w ith th e w orld o f th e m in d , and th e physical sciences” (R e in h a rz, 1990, p.
296). The resources and p restig e associated w ith th e conduct o f
q u a n tita tiv e research a re n o t av aila b le to those w ho are n o t socialized to
its goals o f m easurem ent and control, w h ich in clud e n o t only experim en tal
control and th e control o f d a ta collection, b u t also co ntrol th a t is exercised
in governm ent, ed ucatio n, th e m in is try and m edicine; and w h ich is th e
prerogative o f a c e rta in class, gender and race, th a t has been educated to
its specific req u irem en ts.
People who are n o t socialized to co ntrol o th ers, R e in h a rz concludes,
are not w e ll su ited fo r q u a n tita tiv e research (R e in h a rz, 1990). O f th e 34
397
m em bers o f H e fite r's B oard and S c ie n tific A dvisory P a n e l, 28 a re w h ite
m ales, and on ly fiv e could be described as q u a lita tiv e research ers. D espite
th e m isgivings o f m y colleagues a t th e H e ffte r In s titu te , in J u ly o f 1999 I
and th is study w ere selected fo r an A m erican D is s e rta tio n F ello w sh ip by
th e A m erican A ssociation o f U n iv e rs ity W om en, a n a tio n a l aw a rd m ade to
w om en who have achieved o r who show prom ise o f ac h ie vin g d is tin c tio n in
th e ir scholarly research (A m erican A ssociation o f U n iv e rs ity W om en
E d u catio n al F o u n d atio n , 1999).
Psychedelic m id w ife ry
M y p rim a ry p rofession al s e lf-id e n tific a tio n as a c lin ic ia n , a teach er
and a researcher is th a t I am a m id w ife. M id w ife ry is n o t a s m a ll te rrito ry
w ith in gynecology, i t is th e arch etyp al ro le o f th e psycho pom p, a tra d itio n
o f wom en's w isdom th a t com forts, accepts, w itnesses an d supports persons
engaged in im p o rta n t an d som etim es d iffic u lt life tra n s itio n s . I t is a
d iscip lin e fo r those w ho w o uld un derstand , explore an d fa c ilita te , ra th e r
th a n p red ict, co ntrol, d efin e o r prescribe experiences, n o t o n ly o f wom en
b u t o f th e hum an fa m ily .
M id w ife ry stu d ies, ap p reciates, atten d s and fa c ilita te s
tran sfo rm atio n s th ro u g h o u t th e life span. I t is a p ractice co m m itted to
o b tain in g fo r others w h a t th e y w ish fo r them selves, an d to c re a tin g safe
space fo r hum an experiences, even w hen e x tra o rd in a ry , to u n fo ld w ith o u t
p ath o lo g izatio n . M id w ife ry recognizes th a t elem ents o f a tra n s fo rm a tiv e
process m ay be p e rilo u s , an d secures support, assistance an d guidance
th ro u g h those rough passages. M id w ives support m ovem ent, assist a t
change and a tte n d b irth , re b irth and d eath as a s k illfu l an d experienced
w itnesses and know ledgeable fa c ilita to rs . E v e ry th in g th a t I h ave learn ed
o r b elieve about b o th psychedelics and m id w ifery confirm s m y sense th a t
39 8
th e stu d y o f psychedelic tra n s fo rm a tio n s is an ap p ro p ria te and a rc h e ty p a l
aspect o f m id w ife ry p rac tice .
P sychedelic drugs have alw ays been a fe rtile area fo r hum an
ex p lo ra tio n . Since th ey w ere rediscovered by W estern science and societies
m ore th a n fifty years ago, th e subject o f th e ir use and abuse has been
p reg n an t w ith u n d elivered prom ises an d a rre s te d p o ssib ilities. I assess
th a t th e firs t stage o f a long lab o r, th e process o f opening to these prom ises
and p o ssib ilities, is progressing. In th e second stage, persons who w ish to
b rin g to lig h t th e tra n s fo rm a tiv e and h e a lin g p o te n tia l o f psychedelic
substances need to b e ar dow n, to w o rk to assure th a t in te lle c tu a l, social
and relig io u s freedom to em ploy these im p o rta n t substances in b e n eficia l
w ays w ill su rvive and grow .
3 99

Yes, Mom Took Acid

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INFORMATION TO USERS

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Oversize materials (e.g., maps, drawings, charts) are reproduced by

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Bell & Howell Information and Learning

of P rio r Psychedelic D ru g Use in A dults

M a ria V icto ria M an g in i

Submitted in partial satisfaction o f the requirements for the degree of

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA SAN FRANCISCO

Deposited in the Library, University of California San Francisco

Date Universitv Librarian

Ail rights reserved.

Bell & Howell Information and Learning Company

To Jeanne F . DeJoseph R N C N M PhD F A A N

W ith o u t whose patience, support, advice and exam ple

I would have become someone very d ifferen t.

T h is study explores only a few aspects o f a complex an d

controversial topic. W h ile m y in te re s t in th is topic has been described as

of intense study th e subject o f psychedelic drugs continues to fascinate me.

E ven a com pelling in te re s t in a com plex and controversial subject,

I have had th e advantage o f fellow ship support th ro ugh ou t m ost o f

m y doctoral study. I am indebted to th e Regents o f the U n iv e rs ity o f

C a lifo rn ia fo r th e aw ard o f fo ur successive Regents Fellow ships d u rin g m y

doctoral course w o rk and th e e a rly phases o f m y research on th is project.

The fin a l stage o f th is research, th e w ritin g o f th is d issertatio n, has been

supported by th e A m erican D iss ertatio n Fellow ship of th e A m erican

T im e ly and welcom e fin a n c ia l and m o ral support also cam e from th e

Foundation fo r D ream ers, and from D r. P a u lin e P ariser. J u lia n n e K em per

dependent on th e assistance o f th e s ta ff o f th e L ib ra ry o f th e U n iv e rs ity o f

C a lifo rn ia , S an Francisco, w ith o u t whose know ledgeable, p ro m p t and

colleagues and fellow drug researchers contributed g reatly to this project.

P a rtic u la rly h e lp fu l was the in p u t o f A rlen e K ap lan D aniels who w orked

w ith m e on analysis o f th e in terview s d u rin g th e tran sitio n from the use o f

grounded th eory to n a rra tiv e in te rp re ta tio n . D iffe re n t groups of

researchers, K a th le e n H u ttlin g e r and H o w ard Pinderhughes. M e re d ith

and tim in g o f events related by some p articip an ts by searching th e ir own

The fo u r m em bers o f th e com m ittee in charge o f m y doctoral

dissertatio n have been a jo y to w o rk w ith , and u n fa ilin g ly p atien t,

in fo rm a tiv e and fra n k through m any tim es o f crisis, transform ation,

despondency and exu ltatio n . In addition to th e ir qualifications in

anthropology, sociology, psychiatry and nu rsing , each o f them has been a

s k illfu l m id w ife to th e gestation and d elivery o f th is project.

The understanding, encouragem ent an d fle x ib ility of th e Hog F a rm ,

m y extended fa m ily , and o f m y "guys": m y uncle, m y fa th e r, m y brother,

m y nephew, m y stepson and m ost o f a ll m y dear husband, S tan Sluis, have

been m y refuge and m y reference point. I cannot th a n k you enough.

F in a lly I w ish to acknowledge a ll o f those who have been persecuted,

in tim id a te d , and incarcerated because o f th e social and legal conflicts over

psychedelic drugs. As someone who owes som ething o f value to psychedelic

d rug experiences, I honor w h a t you have suffered fo r th e ir sake.

"Yes, M om took acid:" T h e Sociohistorical In flu en ce

o f P rio r Psychedelic D ru g U se in A du lts

in te rp re ta tio n to explore some understandings th a t m iddle-aged h isto ric

users have developed about th e use o f psychedelic or "hallucinogenic"

drugs, and th e place o f psychedelic experiences in th e ir contem porary

lives. In taped in tervie w s, p articip an ts presented n a rra tiv e s w h ich

associated w ith psychedelic experiences, and re s tru c tu rin g o f life

trajectories to encompass new goals, beliefs and values.

One them e in th e n arratives o f n early a ll p articip an ts was

recognition d u rin g psychedelic experiences o f a sense o f

interconnectedness: an awareness o f "u n ity o f a ll things" th a t has m uch in

common w ith descriptions o f s p iritu a l transform ations, states o f grace and

m ystical ecstasies. M a n y p articip an ts cited insights, ideals and