A short story by J.

Botwood
Copyright Tookadum February 2009
 Chapter 1

The lifeless body hung from the roof of the garage.

The rope had certainly done the trick. What was once a forty nine year old man now hung there like
a useless sack of potatoes.

He had not been certain if the rope would be long enough, if it would take his weight, if indeed the
garage roof would take the weight or if the short fall from his workbench, a mere half a metre to the
end of the rope, would be enough to do the trick, to end his pathetic, worthless life. He needn’t have
worried though. All had gone to plan and his life was now over.
 Chapter 2

Trevor opened his eyes and looked around him. “ God I knew it”, he thought to himself, ” the bloody
fall was not enough! Shit, I can’t do anything right! I knew I should have jumped in front of a train,
but then imagine that, me waiting there for an hour to top myself in front of a train that was late or
even cancelled. I could have died of old age or hypothermia. And the mess, all my blood and guts
trailing off the front of a 158 electric multiple unit for all and sundry to see, my liver being fought
over by rats along the train line or someone’s cat bringing home my small intestine through a cat-
flap, Yuk Gross! But hang on, I feel different, that pain I had had in my arm has gone and I certainly
feel on top of the world. Mmm my trousers feel wet though, Oh no! I pee’d myself! Bloody hell!”

Trevor had read many books over the past few months detailing the many different ways to commit
suicide. Electrocution – no good, he never liked messing with electricity. Overdose – no good, what if
he did not take enough pills or if someone had found his body before it had fully expired and raised
the alarm, it’s possible he could then be saved but even more possible that he would have to live the
next thirty years or so in a paracetamol induced cabbage state being bottle fed and having to be
taken to the loo by some ugly fat nurse! Slitting his wrists – too messy! He had even joked with
himself about contracting HIV and letting nature do its course – but the thought of some burly builder
sticking his willy into Trevor’s back passage did not really appeal, though the thought of it sometimes
made him wonder what other blokes had seen in this, “Knowing my luck he would probably want to
wear a condom anyway,” He had thought! And even if he hadn’t then it would likely have taken
fifteen years plus for the virus to kill him – too long! No, hanging was the preferred method so
hanging it was.

He knew that when a person is hung by the neck until dead that their body passed water and
excrement, the bowels clearing themselves in their last spasmodic response to the final breath. He
had planned this meticulously though, having had nothing to eat or drink for the past twelve hours
and even forcing himself to go to the toilet again only two minutes before his planned departure from
this world.

It had not been easy, Steph had chosen today of all days to cook a mammoth breakfast and sat with
him while she ate hers. Fortunately the phone had rang halfway through – her work, so while she
was speaking in the other room he had carried his plate into the toilet and flushed the breakfast in
the bowl and tipped the tea in the sink before she had returned. “God, you were hungry,” she had
commented on her return. “Shall I do you some more toast?” but Trevor had smiled at her and said
he was now full and could not possibly eat anything else. “Who was on the phone?” he had asked her
in order to quickly change the subject. She then went on to discuss the call and what it now meant
she had to do over the coming weeks, Trevor had smiled to himself, “This will be the last time I have
to listen about her bloody work,” he had thought.

“Bowels?” he thought to himself and slid his hand in the back of his jeans. He winced with relief. It
was ok; nothing untoward was felt in his underpants. “ Phew, at least I didn’t shit myself! But hang
on, I’ve pee’d myself so I obviously hung myself properly, but yet I am still alive, Why? ” He though
for a moment, why did he feel so good? Why had he pee’d himself? Why? Nothing made sense.
 Chapter 3

Trevor looked around him; everything appeared to be the same. The wood still lay in the corner of
the garage leaned against the half empty bag of plaster, the toolbox was still on the workbench
where he had last put it and the bits of copper pipe left over from his last project – redesigning the
bathroom, were as he had left them, as with everything else - strewn on the floor in the corner until a
more suitable storage space could be found. Yep, everything was as it should be.

Trevor sighed, “Oh well, what is it they say, nothing ever goes to plan? Too bloody right it doesn’t. I
should be sodding dead now, but look at me, still sodding alive and covered in piss! My piss, I ain't
ever pissed myself, well not when I was sober anyway. Bloody marvellous! Better change my jeans
and get them in the wash with my underpants before Steph gets back. What have you washed them
for she will ask? Because I had bugger all else to do my love in this boring bloody existence other
than to watch my jeans go round and round in your poxy washing machine I will answer. I did try to
commit suicide, but that failed and you are stuck with me! Yeah and a clip round the ear-hole will
likely follow! Mmm perhaps I will think of another reason to tell her. Perhaps I can concoct some
story and not have to tell her what I really tried to do? Yeah, that’s the best move.”

He opened the side door to the garage and continued to step outside. There was a small breeze
blowing. He remembered how cold it had been earlier that morning when he had kissed Steph
goodbye. “The last kiss,” he had thought. But now the temperature felt quite mild. Neither hot nor
cold. “Bloody weather in this sodding country,” he thought.

His dog was jumping up the fence, probably barking at next doors cat.

“Casper, what are you doing?” he shouted, the dog ignored him. “Casper you’re gonna get my boot
so far up your bloody ass if you don’t stop jumping up that bloody fence!” The dog continued to jump
at the fence seemingly unaware that his master had commanded him to stop. “ Bloody stupid dog,” he
thought. “Just like its bloody stupid surrogate mother!”

“Oh well, jump up the sodding fence you yappy mutt. Who gives a shit anyway, I got better things to
do than watch you all sodding day,, he glanced at his watch. “1pm,” he thought. “That’s strange, it
should be at least 2pm now, yeah it has to be. Shit! The second fingers not moving, bloody
marvellous. I have to get a new sodding battery now, more bloody expense,” “WILL YOU GET OFF
THAT SODDING FENCE?” Casper continued to jump.

Trevor entered the house through the back door. Nothing had changed. He glanced at the clock,
4:30. “Shit,” he thought, “Steph will be back soon and I promised to peel the spuds and prepare the
tea, and I have done sod all around the house. Where has all the time gone? Did I pass out? Yes –
that’s it. I must have passed out. Bloody hell, no time to wash me jeans. Better make an effort to do
something for tea. But I ain’t hungry. I should be – I had bugger all to eat today. Breakfast, that’s it.
I had a big breakfast. No I didn’t! I remember flushing it down the loo. Perhaps all the excitement
has made me not want to eat. Yeah that’s it. Still, she will want something and I ain’t going to the
chinkie to get bloody rice.” Trevor had read somewhere that if rice is not kept at a constant
temperature rice weevils can live in the grains and cause tummy problems, since reading the article
rice was definitely off his menu. “Not having bloody weebles running around in my gut,” he thought.

Trevor walked into the kitchen and saw his mobile phone on the work surface. “ 17 missed calls! Sod
me, I never heard them!” He picked up his phone and checked who had called, “Steph!”
For a moment Trevor felt alone. He thought of his mates . “They never seem to phone just to say how
are you? They only seem interested in going for a beer, part time mates,” He smiled, the wryly smile
that he sometimes did when he had won an argument with Steph but when he knew he was wrong.
“Mates,” he mussed. “What mates”? Trevor was not exactly the most liked person in his circle of
acquaintances and if someone did call him to ask if he fancied a beer it was usually because they had
asked everyone else and they were all too busy. He knew this but kidded himself that he was a bit of
a ‘Jack the lad’ known about town by everyone and the guy all the girls wanted to be seen with.

Trevor had thought more and more recently that he was alone, that no-one had cared if he lived or
died. He also had a strong feeling of guilt for the way he had behaved during his parents last few
years of life.
For all his faults he had been a good son. His Mother had passed away first having had numerous
smoking related illnesses. She finally died three years ago of angina. His Father was unable to look
after himself and was housebound. Trevor had spent most of the following year cooking, cleaning and
generally following his Father around the house. A normal day for him would be to get up, call at his
Fathers home to cook breakfast, wash up and prepare a sandwich or meal for his Father to heat up
for dinner.
He would then set the washing machine so that it would just finish its program in time for him to call
in the evening to unload it. At the evening visit he would cook a meal, hang the washing up to dry,
iron any washing that had dried from the previous day and then see that his Father was safely tucked
up in bed.
Quite often his Father would telephone Trevor during the night as he would get drunk on the home
brew that he made, attempt to go to the toilet, fall over and then be unable to get back into bed so
had urinated or even worse where he lay. This meant Trevor had often spent a few hours cleaning
his Father up and ensuring he was again safely in bed.
The weekends were much the same with the additional problem of shopping and mowing the lawns
etc.
Over time this took its toll on Trevor and he began to despise his Father.
Trevor felt a strong guilt when his Father had died of cancer as he had felt relieved that he had
gotten his life back. He hadn’t realised at the time but he was suffering quite badly from depression
and with all the additional worry concerning his Father this had began to take a toll on his health.

“Who needs mates anyway, they are only any good if you fancy chatting up birds, as a sort of go
between. We get no bloody luck on that score anyway, and I can always shag Steph. She ain’t that
bad looking and she has got all the bits I need to hang onto when I feel a bit randy! Yeah, there is
always Steph.”

After his many nights out when he was looking for ‘a bit of fresh skirt’ and failed, usually because he
was had drank himself into a state where he was unable to talk coherently, he had always managed
to find his way back home and been able to jump into bed next to Steph and after ten minutes or so
of fumbling around with her breasts – foreplay he would call it – he usually managed to get an
erection large enough to enter Steph and bring himself to a drunken orgasm, leaving Steph to ponder
‘the meaning of life’ and to wonder what her Mother and Father would say if they knew how their
baby daughter was being treated.

Steph’s car pulled up outside the house.

 Chapter 4

It was a pretty normal house, nice curtains, UPVC doors and windows, enough nicety about it to
enable passers by to think that the people living there were relatively ‘well off’ and not short of a few
bob. She looked over, “that privet could do with a trim,” she thought. “I am sure Trev said he would
do it last week end, never mind, can’t complain – he is an hard working sole and I love him to bits,”
she smiled, “I wonder what’s for tea?”

She got out of the car and walked to the rear where the boot was slowly lifting. She had to duck
down slightly as even with her small frame she would have banged her head on the tailgate as it had
not yet raised enough. She had done this too often to be caught out again. Casper could be heard
barking, “Wonder what’s up with him?” she thought. “Mmm Trevor’s probably winding him up again,
him and that dog!” She smiled.
She reached into the boot and pulled out her briefcase. There were several loose folders as well
which she managed to balance between the case and her breasts as she reached up with her left arm
to pull the boot down. “Gonna be working late tonight if I want to get this done by morning, hope
Trev’s alright about it,” she thought as the boot slammed shut.

She turned as she approached the gate and gave it a solid push with her backside. The gate swung
open in response. Steph was a small woman but she knew how to move her body to best effect to
assist her with opening doors etc. and the gate opening scenario was well rehearsed. “Hello Mrs.
Smith,” she called to a lady bending in the garden opposite. “Still at it?” she added. Mrs. Smith looked
up and on seeing Steph smiled.
“Well we can’t rely on these blokes to do the work can we my love, better off doing it yourself, you
know it’s done properly then,” she added. Steph smiled.
“I’ll send Trevor over; he will sort your garden out.”
“You take care of that man, not many of his sort about you know. He was out buying bits again
today.”
“I will,” Steph replied “I will.” She wondered what he had brought.

Trevor and Steph had met three years ago. Both were middle aged, divorced and both were pretty
much resigned to the fact that they would never meet that special person to make their life complete.

Steph was a medium sized girl of about five foot tall and a slim but well proportioned body. Her hair
was cropped short and was a lovely deep brown; this matched her small rounded face perfectly. She
had deep blue ‘come to bed eyes’ as Trevor called them and she had the loveliest lips he had ever
seen. Her breasts were slightly larger than usual for her frame but this added to her appeal. Her legs
were slim and attractive and her hips were well proportioned – in fact she would have had no
problem meeting Mr Right had she have gone about it the right way. Her confidence however had
lapsed and she fell into the ‘no-one will ever find me attractive’ mindset which most women of her
age suffered from.

She had tried many methods to find a guy, dating agencies, introductions through friends and had
even started visiting the local pubs on her own on the pretence she was meeting a female
companion, in the hope of meeting Mr Right. But Mr Right just never seemed to be out on the same
night as Steph or if he was he was already with Mrs. Right or had drank himself silly at the bar and
the best chat up line he could come up with was “Where you hic been all my life,” or “Hello darlin’
Fancy a shag,” which simply did not rock her boat! No Steph had pretty much resigned herself to
being a loner. “Throw all of my effort into work,” was her attitude and “if I meet someone I do and if
not well life goes on,” she used to say.

Deep down though she was desperate for someone to share her life with and spent many lonely
nights cuddled to a pillow wishing it would magically turn into a handsome flesh and blood full bodied
male, there were even nights when she would have just settled for the flesh and blood bit!

There were men about obviously. There was Phil at work. Her boss. He had once looked like he was
going to ask her out for a date, but when he approached her he got so tongue tied and the best he
could offer was to show her how to change the ink on the photocopying machine.

Then there was David, dear David, who she had met at a local club. He seemed a very nice guy. A
complete animal in bed but he had a terrible fear of going into his local pubs with Steph. She later
found out that this was in case they bumped into Mrs. David! Men – who needs them!

Trevor’s life was not much different. He initially looked on his divorce as a new lease of life and slept
with anything that was breathing though sometimes that was not a prerequisite. He soon gained the
reputation for being the male equivalent of a slapper and would boast about his ‘conquests’ to his
drinking buddies, leaving out the bit about how much they weighed, how old they were or the fact
that when God gave them a face he had probably got it mixed up with the design for a squashed
tomato! The ‘ten-to-two-ies’ were his target, the girls left alone at ten to two on the dance floor of
the night club because no-one else was brave enough or drunk enough to be seen chatting to them!
There were many women he fancied, but unfortunately so had his mates; several years ago and they
had long put a wedding ring on their fingers. Yes, Trevor did have the reputation of ‘lock up your
daughter’ or ensure your wife was not alone with him which didn’t exactly add to his appeal for either
women or male friends. Deep down though, he too felt alone, desperately alone.

He kept his lonely nights busy by scanning through web pages at the pictures of girls on the dating
sites. None of them unfortunately lived close enough for him to easily meet up with and none of them
had been inclined to contact Trevor for more information about him. “Who needs women?” he would
say to himself – but deep down he knew he did.

The night they met was not an exceptionally different one to any other.

They were both drinking in the lounge of their local pub. This was not vastly different to the bar other
than the lounge was carpeted for which there was five pence more on price of the beer and spirits for
which Trevor would often complain. The bar had only lino on the floor, lino which had definitely seen
better days with spilled beer stains and cigarette burns being the main pattern on the surface.
The lounge attracted all age groups of people. The old men would be sitting huddled together
supping their pint of local brew slowly to make it last from 6:00 pm waiting for the arrival of the
scantily clad, young local talent that usually turned up around 7:30 pm to meet up before going into
town to meet their studs at some other ‘upper-class’ establishment in the city.

The local women above fifty years of age would all sit together discussing the attributes of the
barman – so naïve that they did not realise he batted for the other side, or commenting on how little
the barmaid and the younger girls in the pub were wearing, while the middle aged and available
women all huddled together near to the bar, turning briefly each time the door yawed open hoping to
catch the eye of a Brad Pitt double walking in before the scantily clad young local talent caught his
eye.
Trevor was drunk, not so drunk that his chat up line was “Fancy a shag?” but drunk enough to not be
able to manage it had the opportunity raised its head. He had been out since 7:00 pm, almost three
hours. He could drink; in fact it was one of his attributes! But even he was beginning to hear the
footsteps of the sandman walking by as he gazed around the room looking for the scantily clad
females that had managed to slip out unnoticed by him.

Steph was drinking with her friends. It was a ‘pre hen night’, the night that a friend has out with you
the night before their official hen night which you were too old to attend. She looked ravishing! She
had finished work early that day so she could go home to bathe, shave her legs and wash her hair
and the effort that she had made was obvious. So obvious in fact that the unfortunate soul about to
embark on wedded bliss had followed her to the toilet and asked her if she fancied attending the
proper hen night. Steph was pleased to be offered this but made up some excuse so as not to be
seen as the ‘oldest swinger in town’ had she gone along. In fact the thought of being a good twenty
years older than the next oldest girl on a night out gave her the frightening thought that guys may
have asked for her permission before dancing with her grand-daughter. No, the pre hen night was
enough.

Trevor supped the last dregs of his beer and announced “my round then lads,” this was met with
dismay from at least three of his party who had, after listening to the same boring jokes and
watching the same women come and go as they had seen every week before with the same guys,
quite simply had enough. “Time we hit the road,” announced Geoff, which was met with agreement
from at least two other of his comrades. “Light weight!” Trevor announced. “Well I’m off or a slash, if
any of you fancy going on to a club I’m up for it. I’ll get ‘em in when I get back and we can decide
which club is unfortunate enough to be allowing you lot in,” he scoffed as he headed off in the
direction of the toilet.

Steph had heard Trevor announce he was attending the toilet and glanced over. She had noticed him
before but the guys in his group seemed more interested in the young girls that were clearly
unavailable to them than the ones she was with who on the whole were ‘gagging for it’. She smiled at
Trevor, he did not smile back which upset her slightly – after all “a smile costs nothing,” she thought,
but the truth is he was too drunk to notice that she had even looked at him!

Trevor was not a bad looking guy. He was no Brad Pitt, but there again he was no Quasimodo either.
He stood around five nine and she guessed he weighed around sixteen stone. He was certainly not
fat, well built and muscular but not fat, she had noticed before that he had a lovely shaped bum. “Oh
and yes,” as an afterthought “he had quite a friendly face,” she remembered thinking. She thought at
the time how she would love to just walk over and grab a cheek of his butt, but thought better of it
as she knew it was the drink making her feel this way and the moment after she done so she knew
she would be too embarrassed to take another breath. “Could do with losing a bit around the waist,”
Steph had thought, but hey “when I get him in the sack I will soon burn those pounds off him.” She
had smiled at this thought and wondered what her Mother would have said if she had heard her say
it. A flush hit her cheeks and she again smiled, this time not so outwardly. Again this thought was put
down to the amount she had drank.

Trevor pushed open the toilet door and walked inside. There was a guy sitting in a cubicle which had
the door shut singing “ Show me the way to go home hic, I’m tired and I wanna go to bed,” He
smiled, “well at least I am not that pissed,” he thought. He unzipped his trousers and pulled out his
penis. “Come on me baby,” he said “Make room for some more,” as he allowed his bladder to empty
onto the china receptacle swinging his penis round and round so that his urine washed over the
whole of the receptacle. As he stood there he pondered on the night so far. “Boring bunch of
tossers,” he thought as he thought back to his friends comments when he had offered to buy
another round of drinks. “Perhaps we might be better staying here, those birds at the bar don’t look
too bad, especially that little brown haired bit. She was a bit of alright. Yeah I’ll mention that to the
lads when I get back.” He zipped up his fly and checked to see if he had pee’d on his jeans. No – it
all looked dry there. He held his fingers in which he had just held his penis to his nose and sniffed
deeply. “Nah, they don’t need washing,” he thought as he walked towards the door.

There was a little commotion by the toilet door, a young girl was arguing with another over who had
said what or something or other, Trevor could not make this out and stood there for a moment until
the situation had calmed and he was able to walk past.
The girls at the bar had heard the commotion too and were looking towards where the noise was
coming from. Trevor walked towards them in an effort to rejoin where his colleagues were, he held
his tummy in as he walked past them and smiled at them saying “Good evening ladies,” as he walked
past. “Hello,” came a single reply.

He noticed then that there was a great void where his pals had been. Had they been beamed up to
the Enterprise or had they just slopped off while he was in the toilet. The latter seemed the most
obvious he thought as he turned to the barmaid and requested a beer. “Oh and have one yourself
love,” he added. “Thanks, I’ll just have half if you don’t mind,” she replied and continued to pour his
beer.
 Chapter 5

Trevor put his beer glass to his mouth and thought “Boring bunch of tossers.” As he did so he heard
a female voice say;
“Hello, I did reply as you walked past but you seemed on another planet,”
“Eh, Oh Yes, Sorry, Star ship Enterprise actually,” he replied and looked towards the friendly voice. It
was her - that little brown haired bit! “Err hello again,” he replied, she smiled.
“Star ship Enterprise?” she asked.
He smiled, “It’s nothing, can I get you a drink,” his eagerness at wanting to continue the conversation
was apparent, after all she was a female and she was talking to him!
“Yes, that would be nice, thank you; can I have a red wine please?”
Trevor put down his glass and motioned to the barmaid, “A red wine love please.”
“Single or double and which one or is the house wine ok?” she asked.
This was all too much for Trevor. More than one question at a time and in his ecstatic state too!
“Single and the house wine is fine,” Steph replied before Trevor could turn to ask her.
“So where have all your mates gone?”
“Probably gone home I think, they were all a bit tired, these kids eh?”
“God what have I just said, kids?” That makes me seem old. “What can I say to bounce back,” he
thought. But there was no need.
Steph laughed. “Oh, you brought your kids out did you, well you have a nice family. All boys or do
you have sisters too?”
“Err no I am an only child,”
“She laughed, shall we start again? My name is Stephanie, Steph, the tall one is Toya, this is Yvonne,
that’s Wendy and this is Sue.”
“Good evening girls or should I say ladies?” he smiled.
“Ladies is correct young man and don’t you forget it!” replied Toya.
“Oh take no notice of her,” Steph announced, “She is a school teacher and she talks to everyone as
though they were her pupils!”
“I do not!” Toya argued as the group of girls tittered to themselves.
“And you are?” the girl identified as Wendy asked.
“Err Trevor,” came the reply.
“Herr Trevor, are you German or something?” Wendy mocked. Again the girls found the comment
amusing.
“Sorry, it’s Trevor, Trevor Wright.”
“Well we are very pleased to meet you Trevor Wright,” Wendy stated as she held out her had for him
to shake. Trevor took her hand and pulled it gently to his mouth to kiss,
“Oh a proper gent ain’t he,” said Yvonne. At this all the girls started to laugh. “Looks like you have
met Mr Right Steph,” they all laughed.
“Shall we sit down?” Steph asked.
“Please,” came his reply.
 Chapter 6

The pair sat and talked for the next hour. Both seemingly unaware of life around them. Steph’s
friends left and the bar maid came to their table shortly afterwards,
“Do you want any more drinks, we are closing in 10 minutes?” she asked.
“Err, no thank you, I don’t think we do,” Trevor replied whilst keeping one eye fixed on Steph’s lips.
Steph smiled and shook her head.
The pair again became mesmerised in each others glance.
“Well, I suppose we better get you home to bed, err sorry I mean,” The words stumbled off Trevor’s
lips.
Steph smiled, “I know what you mean but I think you need your bed more than I need mine though.”
They got up and walked to the door.
”Goodnight and take care,” the bar maid shouted to them as they opened the door. “Goodnight,” they
replied in unison.

It was cold; there were no clouds in the sky which was illuminated by an incandescent full moon.
“Isn’t it lovely?” Steph stated looking towards the moon. “Yes you are,” came Trevor’s reply. Steph
looked away, slightly embarrassed by his comment. “Hey,” he continued in a soft voice, “You are.”

She looked up and in an instant their lips met each others in a soft passionate kiss. It was the sort of
kiss that lasted forever and both hoped it would. Steph pulled away and sighed. Trevor felt a bulge
start to grow in the front of his trousers, “God, I hope she doesn’t notice,” he thought. But Steph’s
thoughts were on how her body was feeling down below and how good that felt.
“No tongues?” Trevor cursed himself mentally for having had such a thought after such a wonderful
moment. He attempted to adjust his penis to a more comfortable posture as they walked towards
Steph’s car. He hoped Steph hadn’t noticed. She had, but pretended she hadn’t. She smiled and
thought if he was a big boy or a little one. “You’re bad!” she thought to herself for having thought
so, Well a girl needs to know!” her thoughts continued. Steph’s heels on her shoes could be heard
clomping in the quiet evening air. “Ping,” the car doors responded in unison to Steph pressing a
button on her car keys.
“You ok to drive?” Trevor asked.
“Yes I’ll be alright,” as she counted in her head how many she had had to drink.
 Chapter 7

The drive to Trevor’s flat was a short one. The car headlights illuminated the whole street as Steph
turned her car into it and pulled up on Trevor’s instruction, “Just here.”
Steph took a deep breath and smiled as she turned to Trevor. “Nice place,” it was all she could think
of to say.
“Yeah, it’s not too bad; you fancy a coffee or something?”
“Mmm well,” she desperately wanted to, but was afraid of the consequences if she did.
“Just a coffee, or tea, I have nothing stronger.”
“No, coffee would be fine.”
“Great,” said Trevor as he opened the car door.

Steph pondered for a moment and thought about what she had just said. She had meant to say that
she did not want something stronger and was still considering whether to say yes or no but clearly
her response had been interpreted as an acceptance of the offer. “Oh well, it’s just a cup of coffee,”
she thought as she opened the door.

Trevor was already by her car door waiting to greet her as though she had just arrived off a train
from a distant land. She smiled and tried to exit her car without showing too much of the flesh on her
shapely legs.

“Will my car be ok here?” she asked as she again pressed the button on her keys “Ping.”
“It will be fine, it’s not too bad round here,” Trevor added as he walked towards the door of his flat.

It was a ground floor flat, sparsely furnished with just enough furniture for a single man. A TV stood
on a TV cabinet in the corner of the room that had been designated as the lounge. A modern DAB
radio and CD player was positioned on the floor next to it and a large second hand sofa lay in the
middle of the room. An age stained radiator was fixed to the wall which looked like it had seen better
days but as the room was pleasantly warm it was clearly doing the job.

“Let me take your coat,” said Trevor as Steph entered the lounge.
”Thanks,” she said as she looked towards him and smiled.

Steph struggled with getting her left arm out of her coat, on seeing this Trevor reached out and
helped. As he did so Steph turned to face him. At that moment Trevor realised just how beautiful
Steph was. Yes she WAS actually beautiful he thought. He smiled for a second. She smiled back in
response. Again their lips met but this time it was a passionate kiss, the sort of kiss that says to
lovers, “I need you now!”

Trevor again felt a bulge in his trousers. “What the heck!” he thought. Steph felt as though her body
was going to explode. It felt good. The couple held each other in the embrace for several minutes.
Their mouths exploring each others in perfect harmony. Steph felt something pressing against her,
“Mmm, definitely a big boy!” she thought. Trevor was aware that his penis was sticking out at a
peculiar angle, causing him discomfort in fact, but there was little he could do. He continued to hold
Steph close to him whilst he slid his right hand over her shapely buttocks. “Perfect,” he thought as he
gave her left buttock a soft, passionate stroke.
He grasped her buttock as he slid his tongue into Steph’s eagerly awaiting mouth and slipped his left
hand to her right thigh. His fingers played with the material on the bottom of her top and he slowly
slipped his hand underneath so he could feel her warm soft flesh.
She felt his hands on her body, it felt good. She felt safe. The whole of her body ached. “Shall we go
into the bedroom?” he asked.
She smiled and nodded.
 Chapter 8

The next eighteen months fled by. Trevor met Steph’s family and gained the approval of her parents.
They attended parties together; After three months Trevor put his flat on the market and moved in
with Steph. It sold shortly afterwards. Steph in turn sold her flat and they brought a house together.
Casper was brought soon after they moved in and after many visits to the local furniture stores and a
few purchases off E-Bay they had a home to be proud of.
Life outwardly looked good. There was even talk of wedding bells but both were a little apprehensive
about the whole idea so that was put on a back-burner, waiting for the right moment they both
thought.

Steph had a demanding but very well paid job which took up most of her week leaving just the
weekends free. As an Environmental Health Inspector she felt she had at least a worthwhile job.
Trevor on the other hand was a Security Officer, the hours were very long, the pay minimal and
unlike Steph he was not fortunate enough to have the weekends free as a means of release from his
humdrum life. Steph was certainly the happiest, each day she would go off to work and throughout
the day she would constantly look at her watch, counting down the hours until she could return
home. It was always a bonus when Trevor was off work she thought as she enjoyed walking through
the door and seeing him there. She was head over heels in love. Trevor loved Steph back, but as with
most guys he was too wound up feeling sorry for his situation in his own life to even consider her
feelings. He simply accepted the fact that after she had been at work all day she would return bright
eyed and bushy tailed to him, so why should he make an effort? They were together and that should
be good enough for her as it was for him.
 Chapter 9

“You can go in now Mr Wright,” the receptionist said. Trevor stood up and smiled at her, she looked
away, “miserable cow,” he thought.

Trevor opened the door. Mr Jones was sitting at his desk and did not immediately look up when
Trevor entered.

Mr Jones was a short, stocky built man that wore round rimmed glasses over his bloodshot face,
bloodshot Trevor thought from all the double whisky’s he drank at those high powered board
meetings. He was a senior partner in ‘Emperor Security’, a firm set up by three people who were
made redundant when another Security firm had folded three years earlier. It was not good news to
be summoned to the office Trevor had thought “can only be bad news.”

Mr Jones glanced up “Ah sit down Mr Wright,” he gestured towards a chair in front of his desk.
“Thank you,” Trevor replied.
“I guess you’re wondering why you have been called in,” Trevor was about to respond but was
beaten to it, “well, as you know I am not one to beat about the bush Mr Wright. As you have no
doubt heard on the news there is a recession on and this has affected all businesses in one way or
another. Ours is no different. Not a week goes by when I don’t have to reduce the companies’ man
hours in response to our clients needs. It really is hard you know. The management team at Emperor
Security is doing all it can to try to safeguard jobs.”

“Here it comes,” thought Trevor, “the bombshell.”

Mr Jones continued “but we just simply can’t make business magically appear. So it is with regret that
I have to advise you that we are letting you go. We will pay you to the end of the week and any
holiday pay or monies you are owed will be sent on to you. We will obviously keep your details on file
and if something turns up we’ll be in touch.”
“That’s it?” Trevor asked.
“Well yes, oh make sure you return your uniform and company rule book will you, your pay will
obviously be held until you do,” came the reply.
”Obviously,” said Trevor, trying hard to not respond in a less than courteous manner.
“That’s all,” Mr Jones said as he turned to look at the papers on his desk.
“Thank you,” Trevor replied as he walked towards the door.

The drive home passed barely unnoticeable in Trevor’s brain. He could not comprehend what had just
been said. He was expecting bad news of some sort but when it did come it hit him like an express
train – full on.

“What the hell am I gonna say to Steph?” he thought. “God, what can I do?”
 Chapter 10

Trevor parked his car in the usual spot, over the road from his house. The road in front of the house
was just wide enough for two cars to pass which meant that if anyone wished to leave their car
parked there they would have to adhere to the unwritten rule that they all park on the same side.
This just happened to be on the opposite side to Trevor’s home but he was happy to do so.

He turned the engine off and sat for a moment. “ What the hell will I tell Steph.” Steph was still at
work and would be for an hour or so he thought. “Bugger it; I am going for a beer!” He exited his
car and slammed the door shut. He could hear Casper barking. The door slamming on his car was a
sound Casper would be listening for and on hearing it his excitement would get the better of him and
he would bark as a greeting for his master.

“Bloody stupid mutt!” Trevor thought as he headed off away from his home towards the ‘Old Bush’
public house “Stupid dog!”

The walk to the pub took only a few minutes. Trevor walked to the bar and nodded his head to the
landlady as he did so. “What can I get ya?” she asked as he reached the bar. “I’ll have a pint of
Guinness please love.” She held the glass to the outlet and started to pour the required beverage.
Trevor noticed she stopped briefly as she normally did, she was one of those people who think you
have to let beer settle “stupid bitch,” Trevor thought.
She looked up and saw Trevor’s displeasure at having to wait so continued to fill the glass. “Two forty
love.”
Trevor had two one pound coins and a fifty pence piece in his outstretched hand. “Keep the change,”
he said,
“Thanks”.

The ‘Old Bush’ was an old local pub. Not the sort of pub you would go to spend a full evening, more
the sort of pub where you would pop in for a quick pint on your way home. The floor was grubby and
the tables and chairs matched this décor. Trevor often popped in on his way home in a drunken state
after having been drinking at other ‘more decent’ pubs in the area all night long. He would then have
two or three drinks before going home to Steph. On the odd occasion that he and Steph had gone
out together they would only have one more drink there as he did not want Steph to think he was
becoming an alcoholic, which secretly he thought he may be.

“This is it,” he thought “my sodding life, drinking on me own in the poxiest pub in town at three thirty
in the afternoon cos I have nothing better to do and won’t have for the foreseeable future! ” He took
a gulp of beer and looked around him. “This pub has seen better days,” he thought. “Hum just like
me I suppose, passed its sell by date. Perhaps I should run a pub? Nah, too many bloody hours.
Been there – done that. Nope time to sit back and take it easy I think. Up the bloody job centre
tomorrow and fill all those stupid forms in. Shit, how am I gonna keep the payments up on me car?
Steph can’t do it! What a mess. What a bloody mess!” Trevor began to feel sorry for himself again as
the reality of his situation began to sink in.

The door opened.

“Hi mate, what you doing here?” a voice from the doorway asked. Trevor looked up and saw Tony.
“Hiya, mate what ya having?” Trevor replied.
“Nah I’ll get ‘em in.”
Trevor looked at his glass. He was surprised that the mouthful of beer he had just taken had almost
emptied it. “Sodding hell,” he thought. “Well as you insist mate, I’ll have a Guinness.”

Trevor had worked with Tony many years earlier and both had attended each others weddings. Tony
had remained married to the same woman for twenty five years and the marriage showed no signs of
weakness. This Trevor thought was due to the fact that his wife’s family were financially sound and
Tony knew on which side his bread was buttered.

“How’s it going?” Tony asked as he brought over two pints of Guinness and sat opposite Trevor.
“You just don’t want to know mate.”
“Why what’s up?”
“Where do you want me to start mate? Home, work, just about everything.”
“Mmm I take it all is not well in the Wright household?”
“Well, if you must know I am in the dumps a bit mate, home is shit, work is shit, and in fact life is
shit!”
“C’mon mate it can’t be that bad. How’s that chick of yours? You still with her?”
“Yeah, she’s ok; she just does my head in all the time. Keeps on about the future and how great it’s
gonna be. What bloody future I wanna know. I can’t afford to live now so who gives a shit a bout the
sodding future. I lost me job today mate. Aint told her yet.”
“Its happening all over mate, times are hard for everyone, we will only be going away a couple of
times this year. Paula’s mom wants to go to Africa so we said we would do that instead of having the
usual four trips to other places.”
“What you doing over this way anyway?” Trevor asked in an effort to guide the conversation away
from Tony’s boasts about holidays.
“Just looking at a few properties over here mate, they are about half the price of the houses over our
way, so we thought we would have a look to see if we could pick up a bargain.” “Great,” thought
Trevor, “I am here with no money, no job, no prospects and no hope of improvement and old twinkle
toes here is telling me how great life is – that’s all I flipping need.”
Trevor picked up his pint and stood up, he was about to say “Well I am off now,” but before he did
Tony said “Just get me a half mate, I am driving.” Trevor forced a smile as he walked to the bar.

“Pint and a half please love,” he said to the barmaid “Oh, and have one yourself.”

The next pint seemed to take longer to drink than any other he had had before. Tony never stopped
telling Trevor how great things were in his life. Trevor grew more and more frustrated and depressed
with every word Tony uttered.

“Well I have to be off,” Tony declared as he stood between his chair and the table.
“So soon you boring fart?” Trevor thought but instead he announced: “You take care mate, give me
a call sometime and we will have a proper drink.”
“I will, see ya,” came Tony’s reply “Bye.”

“Another pint please love,” Trevor shouted to the barmaid as he approached the bar, “Oh and have
one yourself.”
“Thanks love, I will, sit down and I’ll bring it over.”

A short while later she approached the table “Guinness for you love and lager for me, mind if I join
you?” she added.
“No, not at all,” Trevor replied. It was only then that he noticed there was no-one else in the pub.
“Quiet aren’t you?” he asked.
“Yeah, we usually are, if it weren’t for you and your mate I would have shut,” she answered. “Mmm
sorry.”
“Hey its ok, I would be sitting upstairs on my own anyway if I wasn’t down here. What brings you
here at this time of day anyway, you normally come late at night don’t you?”
“I dunno, I just fancied a beer or two and like you I didn’t want to sit alone I suppose.”
“If you don’t mind me saying you look a little down,” she looked at Trevor with concern.
“Yeah, I am. Sorry, I just, well, I am just feeling sorry for myself. Lost me job today and well, lets
just say things could be better.”

They talked for about fifteen minutes, Trevor gave her a rundown about how poor his life was at the
moment. He told her almost everything. Everything in fact, except about Stephanie. They exchanged
small talk about the pub and its usual clientele while they continued their drinks. Trevor soon finished
his. “Fancy another?” She asked “My treat.”
“Why not, are you having one too?”
“Why not, Do you want to go through to the back love, I can lock the doors for a bit and relax then,”
she shouted from the bar.
“Yeah, why not. You want me to slide the bolt across the door?”
“Yes please err. What’s your name by the way?”
“Trevor, and yours?”
“Sue, Susan really, but Sue suffices,” She smiled as he returned. “Come through then.”

Trevor walked sheepishly through a door behind the bar. He had wondered many times what lay
beyond the door and now he was slightly excited at the thought of being able to do so.

He could not help but look at Sue’s figure as he followed her. “Mmm, you know, she ain’t bad,” he
thought.

Sue was about thirty eight years old Trevor reckoned, five foot two tall, slim and had shoulder length
blonde hair. She wore a black tee shirt with a white Skull on the front and the gates of hell on the
back. He thought it was just about her size as her breasts, which weren’t exceptionally large, filled
the shirt perfectly. Her jeans were quite tightly fitted around her waist and buttocks and he noticed
they were quite ragged at the bottom. “Everyone seems to wear them like that these days,” he
thought, on her feet were a straw coloured pair of open toed sandals. He noticed a faint smell of
cologne as he followed her through while observing the movement of her buttocks in her jeans.

“So are you here alone?” Trevor asked.

“Yeah, just waiting to see what pans out with the brewery, my other half done a bunk two weeks ago
with the week’s takings. Haven’t heard anything from him since.”
“Shit that’s bad.”
“Taint half, I just hope the brewery find me something otherwise I am out on my ear.”
“Mmm, makes my problems seem small I suppose.”
“Yeah, I meant to ask you. You gonna be ok?”
“Don’t know really, not sure what’s gonna happen.”
“Oh I am sorry, still, look on the bright side eh. You are a healthy good looking bloke, something will
turn up.”
“Healthy, good looking, you looking at me?”
“Hey, don’t put yourself down, you are way better than most that come here and I don’t say that to
everyone!”
Trevor looked at her and smiled.
She smiled back.
In an instant their lips were touching. Neither was certain who made the first move but neither were
bothered either. It felt good for both parties and that’s all they seemed to care about.
The kiss seemed to last for ages. Trevor ran his hand up Sue’s spine and she let out a sigh as he
tenderly kissed her neck.
“Mmm that feels good,” she said.
“For me too,”
She ran her hand between his legs and felt the base of Trevor’s penis. It was hard.
Trevor groaned with delight.
Within moments they were making love there on the floor.
 Chapter 11

Afterwards both lay there on the floor for a while.

Trevor looked up at the ceiling. “God I feel drunk,” he thought. “But I only had a couple, had
nothing to eat, that’s why,” he explained to himself.
“That was good,” Sue said first.
“Yes it was, not everyday you get a shag with a pint eh?” he smiled.
She winced, “A shag, is that what it was.”
“Well what would you call it?”
“Well I would like to think I was more than a shag,” she replied as she picked her tee shirt from the
floor and covered her breasts.
“You are, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Mmm, what did you mean then? Wham bam thank you man and I won’t see you again I suppose?”
“It was good, it was really nice, unexpected but..”
“But what?”
“Well, I have a girlfriend, I live with someone.”
“Great, you decide to tell me now!”
“Hey, I never heard you ask me before and I thought you had a bloke too, what’s it matter?”
“Yeah had a bloke. Had being past tense, and what do you mean what’s it matter?”
“Hey it was good. We both enjoyed it. It aint the end of the world is it?”
“I don’t want some love struck bimbo coming knocking on my door bringing me grief, that’s what
matters!”
“Shit, well too late now.”
“Yeah, suppose it is, you telling her?”
“You mad or something? She would go ballistic!”
“Well I can do without the grief. So if you don’t mind.”
“Hey, I’m saying nothing. Hey, you are clean aren’t you?”
“Say what?” Sue’s eyes burned into him.
“You know, you ain’t got anything down there?”
“You bastard, you think I do this with everyone!”
“No, I err, I should have worn a …..”
“Yes you should have, it’s me that’s got to worry.”
“Eh?”
“Well God knows how many women you’ve done this with!”
“You cheeky bitch! I don’t. I haven’t. I wouldn’t. I, I dunno, its cos I had a drink I suppose.”
“Well if I was you I would pack in drinking, either that or have the decency to say what you are after
before you go accusing people of sleeping around.”
“I haven’t, I didn’t. Oh sod it, I’m off.”
“Just get lost,” Sue said as she grabbed her clothes and ran towards the door which Trevor presumed
was the kitchen.
He pulled his clothes on and walked out into the cool afternoon air leaving the pub door wide open
behind him.

“What a sodding mess,” he thought to himself as he walked towards home, “what a sodding mess.”
 Chapter 12

Trevor was in a daze as he walked home. He could not believe the day’s events, woke up, got
sacked, had a pint, shagged the barmaid “Mmm not bad,” he thought, “I have had worse days, not
often though. Wonder if I will get a shag tonight?” He mussed, “Two different shags with two
different birds that’s got to be a first, it would be for me anyway!”

He saw Steph’s car as he turned the corner. “Shit,” he thought and continued up the road towards
his gate.

The gate squeaked as he slowly pushed it open. He closed the gate behind him and made his way to
the door. Casper had heard the gate and could be heard barking inside the house near the front door.
“Bloody stupid mutt,” he thought.

He opened the door and stepped inside. Casper came running at him and almost made him lose his
balance as he jumped up to greet his master.

“Get down!” Trevor shouted.

“Hi babes, are you alright?” Steph shouted from the kitchen.
“Mmm, I am fine,” Trevor replied with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
“Where have you been?”
“Why?”
“Just asking babes, hey what’s up?”
“Nothing.”
“There is come on what’s up?”
“I said Nothing!” he replied in a stern manner.
“Hey, Ok, Truce, I only asked,” Steph replied, clearly upset by his attitude.
“Will you get this sodding dog off me?”
“Casper, come here, and leave the old grumpy man alone,” she laughed.
“Old grumpy, that’s nice init. Old grumpy, you would be sodding grumpy if you had to deal with what
I have to deal with.”
“Like what?”
“You!” he replied in a loud voice.
“Hey, look, I just got in from work and was looking forward to seeing you. I don’t deserve all this
attitude. Now you gonna tell me what’s the matter or what?”
“Nothing!” came his reply as he struggled to remove his shoes.
“I think I had better go out and come back in again.”
“Why bother coming in?”

Trevor looked at her face and saw the hurt his last comment had caused. A moment of guilt came
over him and he sighed.
“Come here,” he said to Steph, “I ‘m sorry,” he held out his arms. “Not gonna get a second shag at
this rate,” he thought.
Steph gave a wryly smile and walked into his open arms.
“What’s the matter babes?” she asked.
“Nothing, I am just fed up.”
Steph smiled at him and lay her head on his shoulder. Immediately she caught a whiff of a woman’s
perfume.
“Mmm. Someone smells nice,” she commented.
“What you mean?”
“Your arm. It smells of perfume or something.”
“Eh, perfume?” Trevor immediately looked concerned. “It’s not perfume.”
“Well it smells like it to me.”
“What you mean? What you saying?”
“I am saying your arm smells of perfume.”
“No it doesn’t.”
“Trevor, your arm smells of bloody perfume. I aint stupid. I know what perfume smells like.”
“Well it must be yours then.”
“I have none on, I don’t wear it for work, that’s how come I can smell it so good, that’s cheap stuff
anyway, you can tell.”
“Well I aint been nowhere to make it smell like that, it’s got to be yours.”
“Trevor, it is not mine, and I am not saying you have been anywhere. Where have you been
anyway?”
“I went for a pint, is that a crime?”
“I thought you had no money?”
“Well I had a bit, and I fancied a pint, Ok?”
“Ok, just asking. Where did you go?”
“The Bush. Why?”
“Just asking, many in there?”
“What is this, the bloody inquisition?”
Steph sighed. “You told me this morning you had no money, now you tell me you been for a pint and
you come back half cut smelling of cheap perfume that’s what this is!”
“So what are you saying?”
“I am saying nothing, I am just asking?”
“Well what you just asking?”
“I, look forget it.”
“Forget what, c’mon Steph lets hear it. What are you saying?”
“Nothing, you not started tea?”
“Stuff tea, I’m having a shower.”
 Chapter 13

The water felt good on Trevor’s body. “I’ll wash that bitch off me, dirty bitch, fancy sleeping with a
bloke you only just met!” he thought. “No-one need ever know, least of all Steph. After all Sue
wouldn’t want word getting around that she sleeps with the punters,” he smiled. “Got away with it
again Trevor boy, got away with it again.”

He stepped out the shower and looked in the mirror. “Could do with a shave Sod it, I aint likely to get
another shag now so why bother.” He slipped into his bath gown, put his slippers on and walked
towards the kitchen. Something smelled good. “Mmm sausage, egg, beans and chips.”

“You in a better mood now?” Steph asked scornfully.

“Yes, sorry babes, we need to talk.”
“Okay, tea is nearly ready, sit down and I’ll bring it to you.”

They both sat at the table, Casper lay in his basket in the corner of the dining room sensing it may be
better to keep his head down for a while.
“Babes, not sure how to tell you this,” he started.
“Hey, you are frightening me.”
“Sorry, but it isn’t good news babes.”
Steph looked up, he could see she had tears in her eyes already, “what’s wrong with her now?” he
thought.
“Tell me, get it over with. You’ve found someone else haven’t you?”
“Eh, Oh bloody great, that’s just like you aint it. I have a bad day and you think it’s about you, about
us.”
“Well what’s with the perfume then?”
“Shit,” he thought, “I had forgotten about that, Oh well better make this one up as we go along.
Here goes;”

“Got a call from the office and had to go to see the boss man,” he looked up.
“And?”
“Well, I don’t work there no more.”
“What do you mean, you don’t work there no more, what did you do?”
“I haven’t done anything. The fat bastard said they are cutting back and there was not enough work
so he finished me.”
“When?”
“When what?”
“When do you finish?”
“I have finished. That’s why I went for a beer. I needed one.”
“Bloody hell, I’m sorry babes. I never would have thought that was what you were going to say.”
“Mmm,” he continued, “And the perfume.”
Steph looked up.
“Well you know that bird I told you works in the office?”
“I think so Rachel wasn’t it?”
“Yeah, that’s right. Well she heard what went on and as I was leaving, she could see I was upset, she
gave me a hug and said she was sorry to see me go, she must have just sprayed herself cos she
stank of the stuff. It’s probably all over me.”
Steph looked up. For a second Trevor looked anxious, had he got away with it he thought?
“Oh babes, shit! I am really sorry, you have all these problems and I am a real bitch. I’m really
sorry.” she held out her hand. “Look I’ll ask our personnel tomorrow if they have anything, they said
the interview you attended the other week was ok but they didn’t have a position then. I’ll ask them if
they are likely to have anything now.”
Trevor smiled, “Result,” he thought.
 Chapter 14

The evening passed slowly, Steph sat close to Trevor with her head on his shoulder. She felt relieved,
sorry that Trevor had lost his job but relieved that he still appeared to be in love with her. Trevor on
the other hand sat there watching TV and pondering on the day’s events, every few seconds he
would think of something else that would depress him even more.

Since they met their relationship had been an up and down affair. Steph made it clear to everyone,
including Trevor, that she thought she had found happiness again and it felt good. She would always
do little things to show her affection like taking an interest in what he was doing, buying him small
gifts and planning outings together. While Trevor on the other hand appeared to everyone, including
Steph at times, to be aware of her feelings and used them to his advantage. The gifts from Trevor
came on birthdays and Christmas and then they weren’t exactly `what every girl would want’.

He would often suggest to Steph that they should go out for the evening, have a meal and a few
drinks or see a band at a local gig. Steph was always happy to be given the opportunity to go out,
but she was usually the one who ended up paying for everything after Trevor’s money ran out –
which was very often after the first hour. This was not a problem to Steph, who was quite financially
secure, it did however upset her from time to time, especially when Trevor would get drunk and
would forget he was not out with the lads by pointing out to Steph the size of the breasts of every
young women he liked the look of who entered the room they were in. Yes, Trevor was doing well
out of the relationship and Steph was too in love to see it.

“Oh God, what’s this shit now,” Trevor announced as a new program on the TV started.
“Turn the TV over and see what’s on the other side babes.”
“That’s probably bollocks too!”
Steph smiled as she sat up, “Well you don’t know that until you look do you?”
“Yeah I do, it’s always bollocks. There’s never nothing worth watching on. You fancy going out?”
“Not really babes, I have some meetings to attend tomorrow and need a clear head.”
“Great, your sodding work rules our life again.”
“C’mon Trev, that’s not fair, we went out last night and we are out again Friday.”
“Great, what have I to look forward to? Sitting in a pub with your bloody mates!”
“They are your friends too!”
“Friends, that’s a laugh. None of them give a shit about me.”
“They do, I do. I care about you.”
“Do you Steph? Do you really?”
“Course I do, hey what’s wrong babes?”
“Nothing, Everything, I dunno, I am just fed up.”
Steph looked concerned, “You’ve been like this a few weeks. Fed up with what babes?” she asked.
“Life. Its’ crap, dull, boring. Same old shit day in day out. That’s a lie eh? Not every day you get
sacked.”
“Ok, you lost your job, there are others, you got me babes.”
“Great.”
“That’s not nice is it?”
“What have I got Steph? No job, no prospects, no money. Nothing.”
“Hey, c’mon. You’ll get another job.”
“Where? There’s a recession on have you heard? Who wants an old man like me?”
“Trev. Don’t talk like that. I love you and things are gonna be alright, you’ll see”.
“Love, Love? That helps doesn’t it! When I have to go to court I can say to the judge when he asks
why my bills aren’t paid. It’s ok your honour, Steph loves me. Yeah that’s gonna help!”
Steph sighed. “Do you want a drink, I’ll make us both one..
“Nah, I’m off to bed. I’ve had enough.”
 Chapter 15

Trevor lay on the right side of the bed looking at the ceiling. The bedside lamp illuminated the room
adequately and all the imperfections on the paintwork were visible. He could hear Steph cleaning up
dishes and making drinks in the kitchen downstairs. “Wonder if I will manage that shag? Not very
often you get a chance of shagging two birds in one day,” h e thought. His thoughts turned to his
situation, “I really have had enough of everyone, no-one gives a shit. Steph loves me? Crap. She just
wants me so she can tell her friends she has her cosy little life all mapped out. It’s all bollocks, all of
it,” he thought as he slipped into the state of depression he knew so well.

Steph was in the kitchen wondering what she could do to cheer her partner up. “I wonder if he feels
insecure. Yeah, that’s probably it. It has to knock the wind out of your sails losing your job and
having an uncertain future. Perhaps I should mention getting married? We could face the future
together then, whatever problems come we could sort them. Wonder what he would say to that. We
may as well, we’ve lived together a while and things aren’t that bad. All couples have their ups and
downs. I guess we’re just on a down at the moment. I’ll take some tea up and see what he says,”
she thought.

Trevor could hear Steph climbing the stairs, Casper came bounding in the room ahead of her and
dived onto the bed.
“CASPER WHAT THE HELL?” Get off the bed you stupid flipping dog!” Trevor shouted.
Casper jumped down and sat at the foot of the bed.
“Casper, Bed now. C’mon,” Steph called as she entered the bedroom.
The dog sheepishly left the room and lay in his basket on the landing near to the bathroom door.

“Trev, I have been thinking.” Steph announced as she placed a cup of tea on the bedside cabinet on
Trevor’s side of the bed.
“What now?” came Trevor's scornful reply.
“Well, you know we’ve been together now for a few years and, well we seem to get on ok the
majority of the time” She continued as she walked around her side of the bed, placed her tea down
on her cabinet and sat on the bed facing Trevor.
“Where’s this going Steph. I can’t take another bombshell at the moment.”
“It’s not a bombshell, I was just thinking.”
“YOU’RE PREGNANT? Shit. I am too bloody old for that crap and you aint no spring chicken either.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well c’mon Steph. Look at you! We’re ok aren’t we? We don’t need any bloody screaming sodding
kids. It would spoil everything.”
“I am not pregnant!” she continued “Spoil everything, what do you mean spoil everything? And what
do you mean, Look at me!”
“Look, people in their twenties have kids, we should be enjoying life. You got the dog and you can’t
even look after him!”
Steph instantly became angry, “I am not bloody pregnant! And who wanted the bloody dog? Lets
have a dog Steph you said, I’ll take it a walk and clean its mess up you said. If it weren’t for me the
sodding dog would starve!” Steph replied. All thoughts of a marriage proposal disappearing from her
mind.
“Is that right? Can I remind you who gets up at the crack of dawn every day to take him out for a
shit? I don’t see you offering to get up!”
“That’s unfair, you get up before me.”
“That aint hard.”
“Oh that’s it. You lose your job, you have a downer on everyone and everything and all of a sudden I
am in season eh? Pick on Steph time, say what you want to Steph and she will just take it eh?”
“Oh sod off!” Trevor replied. Suddenly a thought hit him. “Shit, I wanted to shag two birds today, I
think I have just blew that, bloody hell!”

“Well I am fed up of taking it and fed up of you!” she continued.

“Well that makes two of us.”
“What you mean?”
“I am fed up of you too!”
Steph sighed, “Well that certainly did not go to plan!” She thought as she walked out of the room
towards the bathroom.
Trevor turned off the bedside lamp.

Trevor could hear Steph crying through the bathroom door. “Great, definitely no bloody shag
tonight,” he thought.

A short while later he heard Steph turn off the light in the bathroom and the landing. The bedroom
door shut with a ‘click’ and her footsteps could be heard approaching her side of the bed.
She sat on the bed, removed her slippers and slipped her body under the sheets. She sighed.
A few minutes passed. Trevor turned to face Steph who was lying with her back towards him. “All
might not be lost,” he thought as he placed his right hand on her right hip.
He felt her warm soft flesh. She felt good.
“Steph,” he whispered.
“What?” came a stern reply.
“C’mon Steph,” he continued as he slid his hand up to cup Steph’s right breast.
He rubbed her breast in the palm of his hand and slowly rubbed his forefinger over her nipple. He felt
his penis begin to swell and moved his body so that it pushed firmly against Steph’s buttocks.
“Steph,” he whispered again.
“What, go to sleep!”
“C’mon Steph. I fancy a bit.”
“Well you know what you can do!” she answered sternly as she pulled her body away from his, “Now
go to sleep.”
“Sodding great, the only chance I have ever had of two different birds in the same day. Marvellous.”
“Sod off then!” he replied.
 Chapter 16

Trevor lay there in the darkness. “What a sodding life!” he thought. “The only chance I have ever
had in my life to shag two different birds in one day and she ruins it!”
As he lay there he thought back through his life, his unhappy childhood, school and how he felt he
had lost out in his teens by meeting the woman he would later marry, early in life, getting married
and by doing so missing out on the opportunities to do what most guys did – sleep with every
available woman in sight.
He thought how his marriage had ended. The bitter feud between his ex, her family and him. He
thought about the time between his divorce and when he had met Steph. He had bragged about the
women he had slept with but he knew that none of them would have had the guts to enter a beauty
contest let alone win one. They were as desperate for a shag as much as he was, perhaps more so,
“nuff said,” he thought.
He thought about his relationship with Steph. “What the hell was wrong with her? We are going
nowhere, she just don’t understand, she is too wrapped up in her bloody job, life and family to give a
toss about me. Bloody Steph, bloody life, bloody job!”
As he lay there he became more and more depressed. He tried to think of possible ways to change
his life. He could not think of any. Except one.

He remembered seeing a TV program on one of the Discovery Channels about people in his situation.
He remembered that committing suicide was the option that many of them had chosen to take. He
had, following the program, read many books on the subject. The more he thought about it the more
he convinced himself that it was the right option.

“That’s it! I’ll show them all, I’ll make them all bloody sorry!” He thought. “No-one will bloody miss
me anyway.”

He had lived to be forty nine anyway “Not a bad age.” He remembered seeing another channel on
Discovery that highlighted the life expectancy of humans throughout the years. “Only a hundred
years ago the life expectancy was only thirty eight, I have done better than that,” he thought. “How
to do it? Mmm, nothing too messy or painful. Has to be quick too. And final, don’t want to have a
near miss and be one of the walking wounded. Hanging, that’s it.”

As he lay there in the dark it became clearer and clearer to him that he had made the right choice.
He devised his plan and made a mental note of the equipment needed - a piece of rope! “Bloody hell,
I don’t have any rope. I’ll have to nip out and get some. Shit! I have no money left, I’ll have to ask
Steph to lend me some!”
 Chapter 17

Trevor woke and opened one eye. He could just make out the time on his alarm clock, 7:08, “Shit, I
never set my alarm. I won’t be able to take the dog before………… Mmm no work. Forgot that!” The
smell of bacon cooking was drifting up from the kitchen. He remembered what he had planned the
night before, “suicide,” was he still going ahead with it? “I certainly am! Rope. Where can I get some
sodding rope. Oh yes, I have to buy some. Money, Shit, I have no money. Steph. That’s it. I’ll ask
Steph.”

He pulled on his robe and walked through the bedroom door to the bathroom. He squeezed the
toothpaste onto his brush and began to clean his teeth.

“Last time I will have to do that.” He sat on the toilet and opened his bowels. While doing so he
thought back to the previous day, getting sacked, having a shag and rowing with Steph. The first two
he thought weren’t a bad way to spend your penultimate day but falling out with Steph need not
have happened, especially the day before he was to die. He again thought how she had ruined his
one and only opportunity to ‘shag two birds’ in one day and he cursed her. “Selfish bitch!”

He stood up and pulled some toilet roll from the holder. “Phew, what a stink,” he thought as he
glanced in the toilet to see what his body had exhumed “Yuk.” He wiped his back passage, threw
the toilet roll into the bowl and flushed the toilet. He held his fingers with which he had just held the
toilet roll in his hand to wipe his back passage and sniffed deeply. “Nah, they don’t need washing,” he
thought as he opened the door.

Steph was just laying the plates on the table in the breakfast room when Trevor entered the kitchen.
“Hope you are hungry babes, I cooked you a big breakfast,” she said with a smile.
“Shit, I had not planned on eating anything before the hanging,” Trevor thought. “Thanks,” he
replied.

“C’mon, sit down. I am just making a pot of tea.”

“Thanks.”
“What you up to today,” she asked.
“What you mean?”
“What are you doing today? You going up the job centre?”
“Oh err yes, Yes I am. Could you lend me some money until I can get to the cash point?”
“Sure, how much you want £10 enough? Here have £20 just in case you fancy a beer, you might
bump into one of your mates,” she added as she reached in her handbag for her purse.
“Don’t get drinking too much though babes, that isn’t the answer, I’ll leave the £20 on the side here.”
“No I won’t, thank you,” Trevor replied.

Steph brought over the plates. Bacon, sausage, eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms and toast. “Bloody hell,”
Trevor thought “The full monty! The condemned mans last meal!”

Trevor sat there for a moment wondering what to do. He knew if he ate all the food in front of him
that when he hung himself his bowels would open and he would be covered in excrement. The
thought revolted him. “Ok so I am dead but I don’t want people seeing me having shit myself. Bloody
hell,” he thought. “She has to pick today of all days to play the bloody housewife!”
At that the phone rang. “I’ll get it,” shouted Steph. Trevor strained to see if he could hear who was
on the phone.

“Hi Tom, you alright?” he heard Steph say.

“Work, Bloody work!” Trevor thought.
“No it’s ok, I can talk for a while,” Steph continued.

Trevor seized the moment. He quietly stood up, picked up his plate, grabbed two slices of toast and
sneaked into the downstairs toilet. He slowly, so as not to make a sound, emptied his plate into the
bowl and flushed the toilet. He made sure to hit the ‘long flush’ button on the toilet in order that the
contents would disappear. He went back into the kitchen and sat at the table.

“Ok, see you soon then, Bye Tom.” He heard Steph say. Shortly afterwards she re-entered the
kitchen.
“Who was that Babes?” he asked.
“Oh it was just Tom. I have to meet him at O’Brien’s at ten and he was making sure I knew what to
say in case I got there before him. God you were hungry! You want some more toast?” She asked as
she looked at his plate.
“No thanks babes, it was lovely. Think I’ll take Casper for a quick walk.” He said walking back to the
bedroom in order to get dressed.
“Ok babes, I’ll still be here when you get back.”
 Chapter 18

Trevor took Casper along the canal at the end of their road. It was a walk that was well rehearsed
and Casper needed no encouragement to turn left or right as they walked along. He had walked this
walk many times previously.

It was a cold morning Trevor thought. “Well that’s one thing I won’t miss, the bloody cold.” “Casper,
c’mon now”, he called as he rubbed his hands together to keep warm. The dog came running and
stopped at his master’s feet waiting for his lead to be attached to his collar.
“C’mon lad.” Trevor said as he began to walk home.

Trevor opened the door to allow Casper to run through the hallway. “Hello boy, you had a good run?”
Steph said as she bent down to greet him. The dog shook himself to keep warm and stopped briefly
at Steph’s feet.
“Hi babes, you ok?” she asked Trevor as he hung up his keys and began to remove his shoes.
“Yeah, bloody cold out.”
“I know, I just hung some washing out. Keep your eye on it will you in case it rains.”
“No Problem. What time you likely to be back so I can start tea?” Trevor added, “May as well make
everything seem normal,” he thought.
“Should be back about five I think, Oh you are an angel, I don’t expect you to do tea babes.”
“Well I have nothing else to do, do I.”
“Something will turn up, you’ll see,” she replied as she reached for her coat. “We need to talk tonight
Trevor, I need to ask you something.”
“Ok.” Trevor replied. “Well I’ll never know what that is,” he thought.
Steph walked over to Trevor, smiled and pressed her lips towards his. Trevor did the same. “The last
kiss,” he thought.
“Bye babes,” Steph called as she closed the door.
“Bye love,” came his reply “Good riddance!”
 Chapter 19

Trevor sat at the table in the breakfast room. “Mmm. Where can I get some rope from? I know
B&Q!”
He stood up “Casper,” the dog came running. “C’mon, out back. I got to go out,” he said to the dog
as he guided him outside.
He returned and put on his jacket, picked up his keys and walked to his car.

“Hello love,” came a voice from the garden opposite, Mrs. Smith was busy in her garden.
“Hello,” he replied.
“You off somewhere nice?”
Trevor laughed. “Nah, I am off to B&Q for some bits and pieces.”
“You work too hard you do. You’ll end up in an early grave,”
“Probably,” came his reply as he opened his car door and entered his car. “Definitely,” he thought.

The drive to B&Q was slow. “Bloody school traffic,” Trevor thought. He pulled up outside and entered
the store.

“Mmm. Rope, wonder where that’s likely to be?” He thought as he looked up to the overhead signs.
‘Hardware’ he noticed a sign saying and walked towards it. He arrived at the aisle and looked up. He
saw another sign saying ‘rope and chain’ “Gotcha!”

He scanned the reels of rope until he found some that looked suitably thick. ‘For use up to 100kg’ a
sign above some blue rope stated. “Perfect,” he thought as he looked at the price. ‘£1.50 per metre’
the sign above it stated. “Mmm. Three metres should be ample, that’s err. 3 x £1.50 err £4.50.” He
felt in his pocket. “Shit!” He thought as he realised he left the £20 note Steph had given him on the
kitchen work surface. “Bollocks!”

He felt in his pocket for loose change. He had the same jeans on that he had worn the previous day.
He thought back to Sue and the smell of her perfume “Stuff her,” he thought and giggled as he
thought some more “I did!”

He pulled the loose change from his pocket. Two pound coins, a fifty pence piece, two twenty pence
coins, a ten pence piece and five pence in loose bronze. “£3.05, that’s not enough!” He wondered for
a moment if two metres would be long enough. “Nah, it had to be three!” He scanned the choice of
rope again ‘£1 per metre’ caught his eye ‘For use up to 85kg’ another smaller sign stated. “I wonder,
yeah it should be ok,” Trevor thought as he pulled out a little over three metres. He soon found the
scissors chained near by, cut the rope to the desired length and walked towards the till to pay.
He saw a young girl sitting at the till. “Well I would,” he thought as he looked at her breasts whilst
paying for the rope.
 Chapter 20

As he drove home he thought to himself “I should have asked that bird on the till if she fancied a
shag. I had nothing to lose. I’ll never see her again. Never have to go to B&Q again. She might have
said yes. Some of these young birds fancy older men. They like a bloke that can satisfy them. I could
do that, after I have satisfied myself of course!” He smiled “But what if she had said yes, when could
I shag her? I can’t meet her tonight, I’ll be dead! Just my luck. I bet she would have said yes too! Oh
well. You will never know old boy. Call it the one that got away eh?”

He turned his car into his street and parked opposite his house. He glanced over to Mrs. Smith, she
was busy and could not see him. “Old bag,” he thought as he walked towards his house.

Casper was barking as Trevor entered the hallway. “Stupid bloody dog.”
Trevor walked into the downstairs toilet and removed his penis from his trousers. He strained the last
drops of urine from his bladder, zipped up his trousers and began to walk away. He turned “Oops
Forgot to flush,” he thought and pressed the number one button on the cistern. As he walked from
the toilet he glanced at the hand basin, he held his fingers in which he had just held his penis to his
nose and sniffed deeply. “Nah, what the heck!” he thought as he walked towards the door.

Trevor opened the back door to the house and entered the garden, closing the door behind him.
Hoping that his master was here to play Casper starting jumping and growling in a playful manner.
“Will you sod off!” Trevor shouted as he opened the side door to the garage. Casper hung his head
and walked away.

Trevor got out a small set of steps that Steph had brought for him to assist him in cleaning the
windows. He took the rope from the B&Q bag and rolled the bag into a ball before tossing it in the
corner of the garage. “Who’s gonna clean your windows now, stupid bitch?” he thought as he placed
the steps by the workbench which he had made himself from some old off cut pieces of wood he had
when they had first moved into the house. He reached up and threw one end of the rope over a cross
member. He made a slip knot in the other end of the rope just big enough for his head to slip
through. When he had done that he tied the loose end of the rope to another cross member to
secure it. “Perfect,” he thought.

As Trevor stood on the steps with the rope around his neck he wondered if it would be long enough
and if it would be strong enough to take his weight. “Oh well, too late now,” he thought as he kicked
the steps away.

His body fell a few feet. And immediately writhed spasmodically. The front of Trevor’s trousers
became wet with urine, his bladder emptying for the last time.

Casper could be heard barking in the yard as Trevor’s lifeless body hung there.
 Chapter 21

Steph negotiated the two steps leading from the front gate to the pathway leading to the front door.
It was difficult with all the files she was carrying but she preferred to carry everything in one go
rather than have to return to her car for a second trip. She stopped briefly at the door, pushed down
the handle and walked into the house. “Have I got some fantastic news for Trevor she thought!”

“Trev, Hi babes,” she called as she walked through the door. She looked around the kitchen.
“Strange, I thought Trevor was going to prepare tea, Oh well.”

Trevor was standing in the kitchen when Steph walked in, “Hi babes, didn’t expect you back so soon,”
he said as she opened the door. Steph walked past him into the breakfast room. He stood for a
moment. “Got to wash this pee off my jeans before she sees it, this could be embarrassing,” he
thought. He went into the downstairs toilet, turned on the taps and attempted to clean himself up.

Casper was barking at the rear door, the wind had closed it so he was unable to enter. Steph put her
files down on the table and sat down on a chair in the breakfast room and unzipped her boots.
“These boots don’t half hurt, I’ll have to get some more. Perhaps Trev will buy me a pair if I drop a
few hints,” she laughed as she struggled to remove them. “Perhaps we can have Chinese for tea
then, veggie curry yum,” she mussed.

She stood up, barefooted and walked into the kitchen, and looked at the kettle. “That’s strange, it’s
full,” she smiled, “he usually empties it!” She pushed the button down on the kettle and walked
towards the back door. Casper was excitedly jumping up the door. “Get down,” she shouted as she
opened the door to allow him in.

From the kitchen Trevor heard Steph turn on the kettle, “Shit! I should have done that,” he thought
as he looked in the mirror. “Mmm better have a shave later, could still be a first, shagging Sue
yesterday and Steph today, Mmm two birds in two days. That’s still something to brag about.”

“Trevor,” she shouted, “Are you in the garage?”

“No love, I am in the loo.”
“Strange, no reply. Yeah, we can go out for a Chinese and then I’ll ask him,” she thought.

Steph returned to the kitchen, picked up her slippers and walked to the breakfast room. She sat at
the chair and put on her slippers. Casper was running around excitedly “will you calm down, where’s
Trev eh. Has he fed you? I bet he didn’t. C’mon lets see if we can find him eh?” Casper sensed he
was the centre of attraction and barked as he ran outside towards the garage.

Trevor heard Steph walking from the kitchen out towards the garden, “Steph, come here, Giss a
kiss!” he shouted as he saw her head towards the garage. “And then we can go upstairs for a quick
shag,” he thought. “Mmm playing hard to get are you, hey I don’t mind a shag in the garage,” he
thought as he walked towards the back door.

The garage door was swinging in the breeze, Steph caught it in her right hand and stepped through,
“Trev …………..” She saw Trevor’s lifeless body hanging there. A chill immediately ran down her spine
“TREVOR!” she screamed as she put her arms around his legs and tried to release him from the rope.
Trevor immediately stopped in his tracks when he heard Steph scream.
“What’s wrong Steph?” he called. She did not reply. From the garage he could hear Steph sobbing.
He walked to the door and saw her on the floor sobbing hysterically. “Steph, Steph,” she did not
answer.

“GOD TREVOR, WHY?” she hysterically screamed. Tears ran down her cheeks. She released his legs
and fell to the floor sobbing “Trevor, Trevor, why?” Casper stood there wagging his tail thinking it
was playtime. “Oh Trevor, Why?” she sobbed.

She pulled herself up on the workbench and openly sobbed. “Oh Trevor, I love you.” She put her
right hand to her eyes and wiped away the tears. She walked towards the house in a daze not
knowing what she should do next. She walked into the living room and picked up the telephone.
Tears dripping from her eyes she pressed the buttons 9, 9, 9.

Trevor walked to the garage and was amazed to see a body exactly like his hanging from the roof of
the garage. He stood for a second not believing his eyes.

“Oh Trevor, Why?” he heard Steph say.

“I haven’t, I didn’t, I don’t understand, Steph, Steph,” he pleaded, Steph ignored him. Instead she
stood up sobbing.

“Oh Trevor, I love you,” he heard Steph say.

“I love you too babes,” he answered with tears beginning to fill his eyes.

“Steph,” he called “Babes, babes, come here,” she sat there, tears streaming from her eyes.
 Chapter 22

Trevor stood there for a moment amazed at what he had just witnessed. He turned to look at the
lifeless body hanging from the garage roof. “It’s me, it has to be. But then … Shit! I’m dead. I have
to be. But why am I here. Bloody hell shit and bollocks I am a sodding ghost! What the….!”

He pinched himself, “OUCH!” he let out a scream, “That sodding hurt! But, err, what, this aint real,
it’s a dream that’s what it is. Phew I am dreaming. Hey it’s a good dream. Where are all the birds
then. There are usually six or seven naked babes in my dreams – where are they?” He looked
around. “This is a good dream, in colour too! I need a shag.”

He walked towards the house. “Steph, Steph where are you babes?”
“I don’t know, I just came in and saw him there, I am not sure. Please hurry!” he heard Steph say.
“Hey, who you talking to babes?” There was no answer. He heard Steph put the phone down.
“Steph, who was on the phone?” again no answer, instead he saw Steph curl herself into a ball on the
sofa holding a cushion to her breast sobbing violently.

“Steph, Steph, what’s the matter,” Still no reply. “Steph baby, tell me what’s wrong. Has someone
hurt you? Steph, Steph answer me.”

He walked out of the living room into the kitchen. “This is a weird sodding dream, I don’t understand
it. What the hell’s going on?” He sat there for a while.

The sound of sirens could be heard outside, they got louder and louder. He stood up and could see
blue flashing lights outside the window. The doors to the ambulance slammed and two people in
green overalls came to the front door. They opened it. “Hello, Hello,” someone shouted. “Hello mate,
hello, what’s up?” Trevor asked as he walked through the kitchen.

A man in a green uniform popped his head in the living room door. “Hello,” he called.
“She’s in there,” Trevor stated.

“God, she must be ill. Has she took an overdose and called an ambulance?” Trevor thought. He
heard Steph sobbing. He looked into the living room and saw the man in the green overalls holding
Steph.
“Hey, get your hands off her,” he shouted.
“You ok love?” the man in the green overalls said to Steph.
“Yes, He’s, he’s in the garage,” Steph sobbed.
“In the garage mate”, the man in the green overalls said to his colleague. “Ok love, you stay here. Is
there anyone we can call for you?”
“No, there’s no-one.” Steph sobbed.

“What the hell is happening, I don’t like this anymore, I want to wake up.” He followed the men into
the garage.
“Better call in the police,” one said.
“Ok, will do,” came the reply. “647 to base over, police required at site,” he said into the radio, “we
have a body here, looks like a suicide.”
“Suicide, no, I am still here, look!” there was no reply.
Trevor walked back into the house; he could still hear Steph sobbing. “Please tell me what’s
happening Steph, please!” There was no reply.

Trevor felt dizzy. He felt his body swaying to and fro. His vision became blurred. “What’s happening
now?”
“Steph, Steph, babes,” he called. There was no reply.

He felt his body lift from the ground and head towards the chimney breast. There was a small vent
no wider than six inches which he was heading towards. “What? I’ll never get through that!” He
thought as his body was sucked through into the chimney and up to the bright light that he presumed
was daylight. He closed his eyes tightly and hoped the nightmare would soon end.
 Chapter 23

Trevor opened his eyes and looked around him. He was in a long white hallway no more than six feet
wide. There was a deadly silence. The join between the ceiling and the wall was hardly noticeable as
was the join between the floor and the wall. Everything was a sparklingly clean shade of white. At
one end of the hallway there was darkness, to the other bright sunlight seemed to be shining. He
walked towards the light.

The sunlight got brighter as he approached the end of the hallway, so much so that it hurt his eyes
and he had to look away.
“Ah Mr Wright, you are here at last,” a voice above him said.
“Who, what?” Trevor could see no-one.
“Keep walking towards the light, come, come,” the voice reassuringly beckoned.
Trevor looked around him, the darkness that was behind him seemed to be following him. It was the
same distance as it was previously even though he had walked several hundred metres away from it.
He continued to walk towards the light. As he did so he could make out two human shaped white
figures in the distance. As he got closer he could see they were male, both dressed in white suits with
albino white hair. They stood near a tall desk that had on it a large open book and a quill pen with a
large feather on the stem.

“We have been waiting for you Mr Wright, where have you been?” one of the figures asked.
“Waiting for me? Where am I? Who are you? What is this place? Is Steph ok?” Trevor asked
anxiously.
“Oh yes, Stephanie. She was your partner I believe? She is fine now.” Said one of the figures.
“Fine now? What do you mean fine now? Where is she, what is wrong with her? Who are you?”
“Questions, questions, always questions.”
“Yeah, questions. Who the flipping heck are you and where am I?”
“Mmm, well I am Theobold, this is Tratner,” the other figure nodded and smiled.
“Theobold who? Where am I?”
“Theobold Henson and well you are wherever you want it to be.” He smiled.
“Nothings funny mate so I don’t know what you are smiling at now where am I?”
“Are you of the Christian faith Mr Wright?”
“Christian faith? What do you mean?”
“Mmm. Do you believe in God Mr Wright?”
“God? No, well err, yes, I dunno. What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Well Mr Wright, if you believe in God then you are in heaven. If you believe in Mohamed then….”
Trevor interrupted him.
“Heaven. Heaven. And I suppose you two are flipping angels!”
Theobold smiled. “Well yes, I suppose we are.”
“Jesus, this is one hell of a dream!” Trevor said shaking his head.
“Oh this is not a dream, it is very real,” Theobold answered.
“Very real,” Tratner added.
“Jesus Christ, Look, I don’t know what this is but. Well I want to go back. Steph is upset about
something. I have to see her.”
“You were never concerned before when Stephanie was upset.” Tratner stated glaring at Trevor.
“What you on about, you know nothing. Steph and I are….. We are fine.”
“We know everything Mr Wright,” came Tratners reply.
“Will you stop calling me Mr Bloody Wright? My name is Trevor and Steph is Steph!”
Theobold looked at a large bound book in front of him “Come Mr Wright, there is much to do. I see
you have err. That’s strange. You should have arrived four hours ago,” he said looking concerned.
“Let me see,” Tratner demanded taking the book from Theobold. “Mmm. This is not good Mr Henson”
he whispered.
“I must have overlooked him. Will it be alright?” Theobold said quietly looking very concerned.
“Well, not really. If anyone finds out, well. Perhaps we can keep it quiet.”
Trevor looked around him then turned to the two figures. “Will you two stop whispering? What do
you mean you overlooked me? Will what be alright? What’s going on?”
“None of your concern,” replied Tratner in a stern voice. “Get over here now!”
 Chapter 24

Tratner looked into the book, “Mmm. Time of death 12:50, arrival here 17:05. Mmm. Not good,” he
muttered. “Now lets see what we can do, yes, 12:50 is ok and arrival, Yes Theobold we will alter that
to 13:05. It should be alright.”
“I am sorry sir,” Theobold replied. “It was that coach crash in India, it said in the book to expect
twelve, I don’t know what happened but seventy two turned up and I had to book them all in.”
Tratner looked at the book. “That Mr Henson is a seven not a one. Seventy two not twelve. Attention
to detail, attention to detail! You waited a long time for this posting now lets not ruin it on our first
day shall we? Just carry on, we will have to give him his induction later,” he announced in a very
stern manner.
“Sorry sir, I will see it does not happen again!”
“See it doesn’t!” Tratner replied.

Trevor listened to the pair intently; he was seated in the middle of a row of five chairs. To his left was
what appeared to be a drunken man slumped in a chair and to his right a lovely young blonde headed
girl chewing what appeared to be gum.
“Mr Young,” Theobold shouted, Trevor and the girl looked up, “MR YOUNG,” Theobold repeated. The
drunken man woke with a start. “You can go in now.”

A door appeared in the opposite wall where previously there had been no door. It slowly opened
outwards. The drunken man struggled to stand up and slowly dragged himself towards the door, he
went inside, the door closed behind him and then disappeared.

“What’s going on?” Trevor asked the girl.

“It was his turn,” she replied.
“No, with those two,” Trevor asked gesturing to Theobold and Tratner.
“It’s his first day here apparently and he is making a few cock ups,” she replied.
“Cock ups? How? What do you mean?”
“Well from what I can make out when you die they are supposed to get you here straight away, he
just got a bollocking for leaving someone down there for half an hour before you came.”
“Down where?” he asked.
“On Earth, where do you think?”
“So what’s wrong, where are we I don’t understand.”
“God, has no-one told you anything?”
“Well no, they haven’t.”
“Ok, well in case you haven’t worked it out yet, you are dead.”
“Dead but?”
“No buts brother. You are as the proverbial Dodo. From what I can make out you were due a few
hours ago, and as you did not arrive you were classed as an illegal floater.”
“A floater. What’s a floater? A turd you mean?”
“No not a turd!” she laughed, “ a ghost, floating around, you probably seen loads of shit you weren’t
supposed to see. You see to be a floater you have to get a permit. You were floating unauthorised.
Who knows what kind of shit you could have done.”
“What do you mean shit I could have done?”
“You know, spooking people, chucking things around and that. You could have been in places where
you shouldn’t have been.”
“What you mean like the ladies bog?” he asked.
“Yuk! Gross! But yeah. Stuff like that.”
“Shit, you mean I could have nipped in the changing rooms at Peacocks and watched the birds taking
their kit off?”
“Man you are weird,” she replied.
“Shit, if I had known that I would have nipped into town,” Trevor thought.
“So what we doing here?” he asked.
“Waiting for our assignment dude.”
“Assignment?”
“Yeah, you know. What you got to do for the next quadzillion years or so.”
“Sorry I don’t understand. What assignment?”
“Your assignment, you know, your penance for being bad.”
“Penance? What penance.”
“Shees man. Look, you had your time on Earth and you screwed up right? So now you got to pay.”
“Eh? But pay for what? This is heaven yes?”
“Well yes, but you aint exactly here as a guest of God if you know what I mean.”
“No, I am confused.”
“You really are thick aren’t you?” she said with a sigh. “Look, this is heaven yes. But you aint here to
enjoy yourself man. You were obviously a bad un down there; you even took your own life – that’s
why you are in this room, so now you got to pay. Those who take their own lives are treated badly
too. You see, people who were good down there, you know read the bible and all that crap, well they
get to be waited on hand and foot forever, and we, well, we have to ensure that their needs are
met!”
“Needs are met. What needs? You mean like shagging? That would be alright.” His eyes lit up.
“No, not shagging,” she said dismayed, “You know, serving drinks, cleaning and all the rest of the
crap that has to be done but no-one wants to do.”
“You mean we are servants, skivvies?”
“Yeah, something like that.”
“So there is no, like, you know,” Trevor gestured with his eyes. “You know.”
“What?” she asked.
“You know, angels running around stark bollock naked waiting to be shagged and all that?”
She looked at him and shook her head, “You are one sick mother. I can see why you are here now.”
“But, I was, I never, look, I was good on Earth – down there as you say. They have obviously made a
mistake. I should not be here, well not as a skivvy anyway.”
“Tell it to the God man; we are all in the same boat here.”
“Well you are, I mean you are young. What did you do?”
“Slept with a teacher, got him the sack, ruined his marriage, shoplifted, did drugs, you name it I did
it.”
“But hey, surely the teacher is as much to blame.”
“Oh yeah, and his time will come. But not just yet. I slit my wrists cos I couldn’t live with what I did, I
seen how I was hurting my Mom and could not live with myself, the teacher I was shagging with just
left and went to another school and will probably do the same again.”
Trevor had a thought. “I should have been a teacher, hey but hang on, I could still be on for two
shags with two birds over two days here, this bird obviously likes the older guys.”
“Hey look, if there is no sex here, do you think you and I could perhaps, go round the back
somewhere for a quick one – you never know it could be our last chance.”
“You really are one sick mother aren’t you? I can’t wait to see what they have planned for you,” she
said shaking her head in dismay.
 Chapter 25

They sat there in silence for what seemed like hours. Theobold and Tratner continued a conversation,
pausing briefly to look at the large book on the desk in front of them. The girl sat there with her
hands on her legs which were tightly clasped together blowing bubbles with her chewing gum. Every
so often they would ‘pop’. The noise of this echoed in the quiet and on each occasion Theobold and
Tratner would pause and mumble some disapprovement. Trevor found the noise annoying too but as
she was the only female around and he had not yet ruled out the possibility of a quick shag with her
he kept quiet. Trevor would occasionally turn to the girl and smile. Each time he did he would look at
a different part of her body. Her left breast, her right breast, her neck, her legs, her cute little face.
“Not bad,” he thought, “Lucky sodding teacher! Life isn’t fair and it doesn’t look like death is much
better!”

The door reappeared in the wall and slowly opened outwards.

Everyone looked towards it as a man appeared in the doorway and stepped through. He stood there
for a moment. The door disappeared again.

The man was clean shaven, well groomed and wore a bright white suit. His hair was white and his
skin was blemish free. He stood there for a while seemingly uncertain of what to do.

“Mr Young, this way,” Tratner called. The man looked up, smiled and walked towards Tratner.
Tratner held out his left arm and put it on Mr Young’s right shoulder. “Have you been given your
assignment?” He asked.
“Yes I have,” Mr Young replied softly. “I am to work in the ‘Angel Bar’ as a waiter.”
“Very good. You will enjoy that. Are you looking forward to doing it?”
“Yes I am sir.”
“Very good, this way then,” Tratner said as he walked with the man.

Trevor watched with disbelief as they disappeared along the corridor. “Did you see that?” he asked
the girl.
“Yeah, that was weird man.”
“Weird, I’ll bloody say it was. What happened to him? He looks totally different.”
“Gross man! What did they do to him?”
“They obviously brain drained him or something and put him through a shower wash like they did
with James Bond and Ursulla Andress in Dr No.”
“You think so?”
“Must have, and he’s got a job working in a bar as a waiter, I don’t think that’s a good idea with the
state he was in before.”
“Yeah, he’ll be sloshed every night!” the girl said tittering.
They both laughed.

Tratner walked back along the corridor towards them, he stopped at the desk, picked up the quill,
dipped it in the ink and began to scribble something in the book.
“Excuse me,” Trevor said.
There was no response.
“Mr Tratner, hello, excuse me,” Tratner looked up.
“Yes,” he said looking in the direction of Trevor.
“What happened there? That guy, was he the same one that went in?”
“That was Mr Young yes,” Tratner replied.
“But he, he seemed different,”
“Different?”
“Yeah, he was all clean and that.”
“Oh I see, well we couldn’t have him looking the way he was in the community could we?”
“Hey perhaps I can get some clean jeans?” Trevor thought, then added, “No but, well, is it a good
idea to let him loose in a bar?”
“Mr Young has agreed to work in the bar.”
Trevor laughed, “I bet he did, he will be drunk every night!”
“I do not believe he will,” replied Tratner.
“I wouldn’t bet on it, I know I would.”
“Mmm. Yes.” Tratner replied and looked down at his book.
“Well I would,” Trevor said as he turned to the girl.
She smiled wryly.
 Chapter 26

The door appeared again, Trevor and the girl looked first looked up and then to each other.
“Miss Hewitt,” Tratner called looking at the girl.
“Yes?” the girl replied.
“You can go in now.”
She turned and looked at Trevor. He looked up.
“Well, here goes,” she said apprehensively.
“Good luck,” Trevor said as she walked through the open doorway.
“Thanks,” she answered as she stepped inside.
The door closed and disappeared.

Trevor sat there in a daze. He could not believe what had happened in the past forty eight hours.
“Got sacked, shagged Sue, died and went to heaven. Not every day that happens,” he thought. He
thought back to Steph. “God I hope she is alright, I never saw her in a state like that. I never knew
she cared so much! Mmm Perhaps she did love me? I wish I had known how she felt before, I
probably would not have ended up here. She said she was going to ask me something today as well.
Wonder what that was. Oh well it couldn’t be that important or she would have asked me last night.
She had plenty of opportunity.”

Tratner said something to Theobold, Trevor could not quite make out what it was, he saw Theobold
nod in agreement as Tratner walked away.
When Tratner was out of site Trevor looked up at Theobold.
“Mind telling me what’s going on mate?” he asked.
“I’m sorry,” Theobold replied looking bemused.
“Here, this lot. What’s happening?”
“You are waiting your turn Mr Wright.”
“Turn for what?”
“Your turn to be assigned.”
“Assigned to what?”
“I thought Ella explained it to you?”
“Ella, who’s Ella?”
“The young lady with whom you have been talking. Miss Hewitt,” he added.
“Oh, I wondered what her name was. Ella, nice name. Nice girl.” “Nice tits,” he thought.
“Yes isn’t it.”

Trevor sat quiet for a while then said “Look I don’t want to be funny mate but I heard you are
making a right cock up of thinks here today and you aint helping my situation!”
“Your situation?” Theobold asked.
“Yeah, my bird is down there upset and I want to see her, I want to go to her!”
“I am afraid that is not possible.”
“What you mean not possible?”
“You cannot return I am afraid. Not for at least twenty planet years and only then if you are
summoned.”
“Summoned, what do you mean?”
“Summoned, by a medium, only then are you allowed to speak. You are not allowed to see the living
I am afraid unless you are granted special rights.”
“But I already seen them, I saw Steph there today.”
“Yes I know, but please don’t mention that.”
“Why? What do you mean?”
“This is my first week at ‘Pearly Gates’ reception, it took me centuries to get this post and I don’t
want to lose it.”
“You lost me again mate.”
“I was once like you, I was assigned to the ozone cleaning team. My job was to get the smoke out of
the clouds to prevent acid rain falling on the planet. It was a nice job. We got to look down on the
planet when there was not much cloud about. On a good day you could see the waves breaking on
the beach, and the ships sailing across the oceans, I even saw that one hit that bit of ice the other
week.”
“The other week? What bit of ice? You mean the Titanic?”
“Yes, that’s the one. I saw all the people coming up here off it too. God they were cold. That Captain
Smith was a bit of a character too! Said something about the ‘band aren’t making so much bloody
noise now are they!” Oh how we laughed! I enjoyed the job really it was lovely. But I got fed up with
that so I requested a transfer. You want to see it?”
“See what?” Trevor looked confused.
“That Titanic thingy, I can turn back time you see by pressing this button and setting the date and
time which you would like to go back to see. You can watch it on the screen, we often look at things
again if they are exciting!”
“You can turn back time?”
“Yes, But we have to return everything back to the present time afterwards though, only God can
turn back time and make it remain.”
He pointed to a small screen that was recessed in the desk.
“But that was almost a century ago wasn’t it?” Trevor asked looking puzzled.
“Was it? Mmm, I could have sworn it was last week. Time goes much faster up here you see.”
Trevor shook his head, “A transfer? You can apply for a transfer?”
“Yes, if you don’t like your assignment you can apply for a transfer. If they agree you can get
transferred. But it takes many centuries for you to be considered. I had given up all hope then one
day quite out of the blue I was summoned. They liked my work and agreed to my request. So here I
am.”
“So you are training on this job?”
“Yes I am, Tratner is here with me this week and err, well he helps me.”
“Helps you to cover up your cock ups you mean?”
Theobold looked concerned. “Please don’t say anything. I would be in big trouble. Tratner too. If they
found out I allowed you to float I would be off this job quicker than you could say Archangel Gabriel!”
Trevor sighed. “Everything in heaven aint perfect either then.”
Theobold smiled, “You won’t say anything will you?” he begged.
Trevor sighed again, “Nah, you are ok mate. You got nothing to fear from me.”

The door reappeared and slowly opened.

 Chapter 27

Trevor and Theobold looked towards the door. They saw Ella walk through. Immediately she exited
the door it disappeared and a plain wall lay behind her.

Ella looked towards them.

“Come here my love,” Theobold said.
She smiled and walked towards them.
She was dressed in a stunning white dress that fitted her perfectly. Her hair was straight and long
and swayed slightly as she moved. The shape of her body was clearly visible in the dress. Trevor
thought how beautiful she looked. He hadn’t noticed her face too much before but now he looked at
it and she was stunning!
“Wow,” Trevor exclaimed, “What have they done to you?”
Ella smiled, “Hello Trevor,” she said in a soft spoken voice.
Trevor looked at Theobold and beckoned him so that he could whisper to him, “Here Theobold, do
you think you could give us a few minutes alone?”
“Why? What do you mean?” Theobold replied.
“You know mate, look at her, she’s gorgeous. Just leave us alone for a bit eh?”
“Good gracious no!” Theobold protested, “That would never be allowed!”
“What you mean? Don’t you do that sort of thing?” Trevor asked with concern on his face.
“It’s not allowed, that would never do, No, No, No,” he repeated shaking his head. He held out his
arm to Ella, she took it and they both walked off along the corridor leaving Trevor alone.

“Ella, Ella,” Trevor shouted.

Ella continued to walk with Theobold.

Trevor walked back to his seat and sat down alone.

 Chapter 28

About half an hour had passed Trevor thought when he heard Theobold walking back towards the
desk. Theobold stopped at the desk and scribbled something in the book.

“Where has she gone mate?” Trevor asked.

“Ella? She has gone to her assignment.” Theobold replied.
“Yeah, but what’s her assignment?”
“She has joined the entertainers, she will enjoy that.”
“Entertainers? You mean singing and dancing?”
“No, she entertains people.”
“Eh? You mean like a prostitute?”
“Good heavens no! She will be working with children entertaining and teaching them to earn their
wings so they may become cherubs. Prostitute indeed!”
“C’mon man you gotta have prostitutes here?”
“We certainly do not! We have no need for them.” Theobold said sternly.
“I am getting really bad vibes here mate. You mean that you lot don’t do it?”
“Do what?” Theobold asked looking puzzled.
“C’mon, you know, bonk, sexual intercourse, nookie!”
“Oh that, Yes we do it, as you call it, but only with the chosen one.”
“The chosen one? Who is the chosen one?” Trevor asked looking puzzled.
“The one you chose, the one you are to spend eternity with.”
“Great, when do I get to choose?” Trevor asked excitedly. “Can I choose Ella?”
“Choose? You chose no-one!” Theobold replied.
“You will have to start again here mate. Mmm. I get to bonk with my chosen one, but I don’t get to
choose and I have chosen no-one? I don’t understand.”
“On the planet you were given the opportunity to choose a partner, she was your chosen one.”
Theobold explained.
“Great, then Steph is my chosen one right? So when do I get to see her?”
“No, No, Stephanie is not YOUR chosen one, she has been chosen by someone else.”
“What do you mean chosen by someone else?”
“Here look,” Theobold replied. “It’s here in the book. Stephanie has been chosen by Phillip Emery.”
He pointed to a place in the book.
“PHILLIP EMERY,” Trevor replied, “Who the sodding hell is Phillip Emery, Mmm I’ve heard that
name!”
“He is the one who chose Stephanie.”
“Chose her for what?” Trevor said angrily.
“To spend eternity with.”
“But she and I are… We are…. We Were……”
“You were what?”
“We were together.”
“Yes, but only for a brief while. You could not decide. You left her behind and Mr Emery has chosen
her.”
Trevor looked concerned. “That’s her bloody boss!!” he exclaimed.
“Yes, it would appear that he is, and they are in love,” Theobold agreed.
“But Steph loved me!”
“Yes she did.”
“And I loved her!”
“Did you?”
“Yes I err I did, you know I did,”
“You see, you are already talking in the past. Loved is not love. To love is to love for all eternity. She
did love you, that love is lost in the sands of time. Each moment that passes she loves you less.”
“But, But,”
“But what? You left her. Stephanie is young and beautiful and has so much to offer. Her love was
true and will be again.”
“But I, I, look, I want to go back.”
“There is no going back I am afraid, here look at the screen. Eighteen months of Earth years have
passed while you have been here, Look Stephanie is happy now.”
Trevor looked at the screen. He saw Casper happily running along the side of the canal barking and
chasing leaves. He looked further along the canal and saw Stephanie in a lovely summer dress, the
breeze blowing her hair. “Steph,” he sighed. He looked some more. He saw Steph stop and kiss
someone. “Phil sodding Emery,” he thought. It was a passionate kiss.
“She never kissed me like that.” He said.
“Oh but she did, many, many times. You were just too wrapped up in yourself to notice it.”
“But…. But…” Trevor hung his head. “Steph, my Steph,” he sighed as a tear ran down his cheek. “Say
that Steph had been my chosen one.”
“She is not.”
“Yes, but say she was, when she croaks it she will be older than me, the age I am now right?”
“Yes.”
“So, if she had been my chosen one then, well I am forty nine if she doesn’t die till she is, I dunno
eighty or something then I would have had to spend eternity with an eighty year old woman?”
“No, not at all, you and Steph would make an bond together and the age you both choose would be
your eternal age.”
“What like I could be forty nine and she could be sixteen?” a smile appeared on Trevor’s face,
“Imagine that,” he thought.
“No.” replied Theobold. “Whatever age difference existed in life must remain for eternity.”
“Sorry, I don’t understand,” replied Trevor.
“Let us say for example you were thirty five when and your chosen one met and she was twenty five.
Then there would ne a ten year age gap, you could then arrange with her that you remain at forty
and she at thirty.”
“Or me at twenty six and Steph at sixteen?” again a smile appeared on Trevor’s face.
“Well, you could theoretically request that, but it is unlikely that it would be agreed.” Replied
Theobold.
“Mmm,” replied Trevor, a little displeased.
“Come now, be seated. You will be taken in soon.” Theobold said sternly.
Trevor sighed deeply and returned to his seat.

Trevor thought back to when he first met Steph. How lovely she looked that first night. How lovely
she looked yesterday. How the last moment he had saw her she was sobbing because he was dead.
“God, she must really have loved me,” he thought.
His thoughts went back to their holidays, the day they had chosen Casper and the day Steph had
totalled his car. She had commented at the time that Trevor did not appear to care about the car but
that he had been more concerned about her. And he was. He wondered what had gone wrong in
their relationship. He thought long and hard about it but could find nothing, No nothing at all was
wrong with their relationship. She and he had been in love, were in love. But he had been too stupid
and selfish to see it. He longed to be able to hold her again. To feel her warm body next to his. He
needed to see her again. Just one more time. He needed to tell her he was sorry. He needed to be
with her. Even if there was never any intimate contact between them he would happily be with her.
He needed her, he loved her, “Oh how I love her!” He thought. Tears streamed from his eyes.
“Steph, Steph.” He cried as he burst into tears.
 Chapter 29

Over an hour passed. Trevor did not move. He sat there sobbing, head in his hands, alone with his
thoughts.

Footsteps could be heard along the corridor. Trevor looked up and saw Tratner returning.
“Has he not been seen yet?” asked Tratner.
“No.” replied Theobold. “They must be busy.”
“Speak to them and find out what is happening,” Tratner said angrily. “This is not good enough. I am
expected at the ball tonight and I dare not miss it, I hear God is doing a speech on the dangers of
carrying lightning bolts in your pocket and Queen Elizabeth I has agreed do a speech on the benefits
of the catholic church,”
“Catholic church, why’s that?”
“It is her penance for her wrong doings.”
“Oh I see.”
“MAKE THE CALL!”

Theobold picked up a receiver on a telephone that instantly appeared on the desk.

“Hello, Hi, yes its Theobold here at the Pearly Gates.”
Silence.
“ Yes, yes, that’s right.”
Silence.
“Yes I know, it was unexpected. I am afraid I read the book wrong. I thought there were only
twelve.”
Silence.
“Yes, we thought so too. We haven’t had such a laugh since those scientists did the thing with the
cow and the monkey in the field.” He laughed.
Silence.
“Yes, wasn’t it just. Well you see we have a Mr Wright here.”
Silence.
“Yes, Wright with a W,”
Silence.
“Oh, I see, yes, yes I see,”
Silence.
“Yes, well I suppose so. If you are sure?”
Silence.
“Yes alright then. Thank you. You too, have a good evening bye.”
Theobold placed the receiver back on the telephone. Immediately he did so it disappeared.

“Well?” said Tratner.

“They want us to process him.”
“WHAT? That is totally preposterous, I have never heard anything so outrageous. Why can’t they do
it?”
“They want to go to the ball too. They said he missed his slot.”
“This is not on, they will have us processing the ants and amoeba’s next! Damm them!” he
exclaimed.

Trevor looked up.

“You there, Mr err Mr Wright, you are too late for processing today. Can you wait until tomorrow?”
Tratner said.
“Wait for what, look I am getting sick of this hanging around. What’s happening? I want Steph.”
“Mmm.” said Tratner, “Give us a moment.”

Tratner and Theobold stood muttering to each other for a moment. Trevor could not make out what
they were saying.

“Look,” Tratner called to Trevor, “You got here late so you did and you have missed your slot so they
want us to process you. This is most irregular but if you have no objection to it we will do so.”
“What the heck, Do what you want!” Trevor replied.
 Chapter 30

Theobold turned to Trevor, “Trevor, will you help me carry the papers into the room please?”
“What room?” as he spoke a doorway appeared in front of him.
“Here you carry the book, keep it open though, it must never be closed!” Theobold said to Trevor as
he gathered up the papers on the desk. “All this mess, just too much to do,” he muttered.
Trevor walked to the desk and picked up the book. He looked down and saw writing appearing as if
by magic on the pages.
“Hey, what’s going on!” he exclaimed, “The book, it’s, it’s writing itself!”
“Yes it does, people are dying all the time, names are entered and amended as they do, their chosen
one is entered too.”
“Amended?” Trevor asked, “You mean things get altered?”
“Well yes they can, if for example a man kills his wife, or vice versa, then their name is removed from
the book as the chosen one for their partner, hardly a match made in heaven if they were together
for eternity,” he scoffed.
“You mean, like Steph and Phil, they like, well it is not written in stone that they will be together for
eternity?”
“No it isn’t. If Stephanie was to kill Mr Emery or vice versa then their names would not be together.”
“So there is still a chance for me and Steph?”
“Well there would be if you weren’t dead. Only this morning while I was looking at the book I saw
your name as a ‘likely admission’ and Stephanie’s name was next to yours. But something must have
happened, you must have irretrievably hurt her because her name is no longer next to yours.”
“So you mean that if I was still alive Steph and I would have been together for all eternity?”
“Yes that would appear to have been the case.”
“But how did I hurt her?”
“You’re here aren’t you? She found you dead I believe. She thought that if you loved her you would
not have killed yourself.”
“Yes but, I didn’t mean to…”
“Didn’t you? It looked well planned to me.”
“Yes but, look, can I please go back?”
“I am afraid not, you had ample opportunity to show Stephanie how you felt and you didn’t. She felt
unloved.”
“Yes, but so did I.”
“Why? She constantly found ways of proving her love to you and was about to make the ultimate
choice.”
“What ultimate choice? What are you on about?”
“She was going to ask you to marry her last night.”
“SHE WHAT?”
“Remember her coming into the bedroom with something to talk to you about?”
“No, well err. Yes But I err. I thought she was …”
“Pregnant?”
“Yes pregnant.”
“You are sterile – how could she be pregnant?”
“Sterile? I never knew. I never … I… God… marriage.” Trevor smiled. “Take me back, take me back
now,” He demanded.
“No can do I am afraid. Then there was the job.”
“What job?” Trevor asked confused.
“Stephanie spoke to the girl in personnel today on your behalf, it would appear that they are looking
for someone to train as a co-ordinator. She put your name forward. I believe you had attended
previously for interview and they said they would keep your details on file and if a suitable vacancy
turned up they would let you know?”
“Yeah they did.”
“Well the reason they did not let you know was because Stephanie had told them last week that you
had a job now. When she went in to see them today and told them you were looking for work they
immediately said they wanted you to join. You would have started on Monday.”

Monday? Marriage. Look I never………. I didn’t……….. why………… I never knew any of this.”
“Strange how things turn out isn’t it?”
“Strange?” Trevor said angrily, “TAKE ME BACK NOW!” Trevor demanded.
Tratner turned after hearing the outburst, “Everything alright Theobold?” he asked.
“Yes, everything is fine.” Theobold replied.
 Chapter 31

Theobold walked past Trevor towards the open door, “You alright carrying that?” He asked.
“Yes fine thanks,” Trevor replied sarcastically as he followed Theobold through the door.

The room inside was a brilliant white, at the far end of the room, about five metres away there was a
large panoramic window. In the centre of the room there was a large white desk and four white
leather covered chairs. Two chairs on one side of the desk and two on the other.

“Please, put the book on the table.” Tratner said as he turned to Trevor. Trevor was arching his neck
trying to see what was outside the window.
“What’s out…” Trevor began to ask.
“Take a seat,” Tratner interrupted, “There’s time for that later.”

Trevor lay the book on the desk and took a seat opposite the two other seats. He sat on the left with
an empty chair to his right. On the desk there was a computer keyboard, VDU and several piles of
paper. He wondered if the PC was an Apple or Dell and smiled. He turned around to look for the door
that they had just walked through. There was no door.

“Would you like a drink?” Tratner asked.

It was only then that Trevor realised that he must have been there several hours and had not eaten
or drank anything.
“Yes please, a cold drink would be nice.” He replied.
Tratner appeared to press a button on the desk and spoke into the air, “Three cold drinks please.”
“Now then Mr Wright, what are we to do with you,” Tratner announced looking at Theobold.
“Well, I, you could always send me back to…”
“That Mr Wright is unlikely, I am afraid you are here now and here you must stay.”
“What’s outside that window?” Trevor asked.
“Go see,” Tratner replied holding his arm towards the window.
Trevor stood up and walked towards the window. He stopped about a metre away from it, “Whoa,”
he said, almost falling backwards.
“It’s quite safe,” Tratner announced, he smiled and looked at Theobold. Theobold smiled too.

Trevor stood there for a moment then sheepishly stepped closer to the window. He looked through it
and gasped with amazement. It would appear the room they were in was perched on the edge of a
cliff several hundred metres above a sandy beach. The sun was shining and people could be seen
running on the beach and playing in the sea.
“Where, what, where are we?” Trevor asked looking confused.
“We are at beach resort 2112,” Tratner replied, “One of around seven million similar resorts here in
Polema,”
“Polema?” Trevor asked.
“Yes Polema, it’s where we are, I believe you may have known it as Heaven?”
“Heaven? But then, why? I, err. I don’t understand.”
“Come take a seat,” Tratner gestured towards the seat that Trevor had just vacated.
Trevor walked back towards his seat, as he did so a door appeared to his right. The door opened and
a lovely young woman carrying a tray with three drinks entered the room.
The woman was around five feet tall; slim with shoulder length red hair. Trevor guessed her age to
be around twenty. She had sparkling green eyes and the face of an angel Trevor thought. He
watched her as she approached the desk and placed the drinks on the table. When she had done so
she looked up, smiled at Trevor, turned and left the room. As she did so the door again disappeared.
Trevor watched her with amazement. “A figure just like Steph’s.” He sighed.

“Your drink,” Theobold said pointing to a large glass filled with what would appear to be orange juice.
“Thank you,” Trevor replied taking the glass to his mouth. He sipped the liquid, “Mmm. Fresh Orange
juice.”
“How do you get fresh Oranges up here?” Trevor asked.
“Fresh Orange, is that what you wanted?” Theobold replied, “It is whatever flavour you wished it
would be.”
“Now then Mr Wright,” said Tratner. “Just what are we going to do with you,” he let out a deep sigh.
“There is just so much choice.”
Trevor put down his glass and gestured towards the window, “Well that looked ok.” He said
hopefully.
Tratner laughed, “Oh No, Mr Wright, that is not for you.”
“But, what do you mean?” Asked Trevor.
“That is for the Elulites, not for the likes of you!”
“Elulites? What the hell are Elulites?”
Tratner sighed again. “This should have been explained to you when you arrived,” he looked at
Theobold sternly.
Theobold looked away.
“Elulites,” Tratner continued, “are, well, I suppose you would say they are, or were the good people.
They get to spend eternity in harmony and tranquillity doing all the things they enjoyed back when
they were alive. You however did not achieve Elulite status and therefore you are..”
“What do you mean?” Trevor interrupted.
“Please let me finish Mr Wright, as I was about to say, you did not achieve Elulite status. Therefore
you have been given, chosen that is to be a Frowtom.”
“A Frowtom, what the hell is a Frowtom?”
Tratner let out another sigh. “Well back down on the planet did you ever see an ants nest?”
“Sort of, On TV I suppose.”
“Ah yes TV, stupid contraption! Well, in an ants nest there is the Queen ant and her sub servants and
there are workers too. Well up here we are,” He gestured towards himself and Theobold, “what you
would call Queen ants and the Elulites, well they are the sub servants.”
“And the workers?” Trevor asked with a concerned look on his face.
“Yes well, the workers are I suppose are the Frowtoms.”

Trevor thought for a moment and scratched his head. “So if this is heaven, I mean Poloma,”
“Polema,” Theobold corrected him.
“Polema, pol - whatever, then where is hell?”
“There is no hell Mr Wright, everyone who has ever lived, died I mean, is here in Polema.”
“So you mean like, I dunno, Jack the Ripper and all them are out there somewhere?”
“Well yes they are, although Jack the Ripper was in fact a fantasy.”
“But you mix like good and bad people together here?”
“No, we only mix good with good. There are no bad people here Mr Wright.”
“No bad people? So what about,” he thought for a moment, “I dunno, Hitler, he was supposed to be
bad wasn’t he?”
“Adolf you mean? He came the middle of last week I believe. Yes he is here. I believe we have him in
the furnaces ensuring that the sun achieves the right temperature to warm the planet.”
“The furnaces, but, you mean, look I aint stupid the sun is a planet, I mean a star, It’s, well its like,
its on fire isn’t it?”
“Not exactly on fire no, but it does give off heat from within due to the… look it’s all a bit complicated
to explain. All you need to know at this point is that we are here to ensure that the new arrivals and
inhabitants of Polema are kept comfortable and happy.”
“So hang on, you say like, well you are like the Queen ants and there is the sub-servants, that lot out
there,” he gestured towards the window.
“Yes,” Tratner replied.
“Well, like what do they have to do?”
“Do? They do nothing.”
“So they get to jump and play around all day and do Jack Shit for it?”
“Well yes, I mean there may be the odd occasion when they are needed.”
“Needed for what?”
“Well to help the living.”
“The living?”
Tratner sighed, “Have you ever prayed Mr Wright?”
“Nah, don’t believe in all that crap!”
“Don’t you? Did you not on Christmas Eve back in 1964 pray for a Spirograph?”
“Nah,” Trevor laughed. “Did I?” he asked.
“Yes you did.” Tratner replied, “And you got one didn’t you?”
“Yeah, but that was, well like, look that was off me Mom and Dad.”
“Yes it was, but who was it that planted the thought to them to purchase one for you?”
“Me I think, I told them what I wanted often enough.”
Tratner winced, “Yes you did, but no, you asked your dead Nan if she could help didn’t you?”
“Mmm. Yes I seem to remember.”
“Well we requested your Nan to look into this for you, she obviously thought you deserved it, though
God knows why having looked at the way you were back then, and she planted the thought in your
Fathers head to purchase one for you.”
“And like, well passing me driving test. I asked for help there I think.”
“Yes you did, again you asked your Nan I believe, lets see,” Tratner scanned the VDU screen in front
of him, “Ah yes, here it is, January 2 nd 1992, 10:30 am. Please Nan can you help me to pass my
driving test, if you do I promise to pack in wanking every day, well except for weekends that is and I
promise that I will stop trying to look down Shirley Cook’s top at her tits every time I walk past her.”
Trevor looked embarrassed and gave a wryly smile.
Tratner continued, “Mmm. Yes, I think the saying is you were spoilt by your Nan, ‘ her little cherub’ I
believe she referred to you as. And you never did stop masturbating or looking down Miss Cook’s top
did you?”

Trevor looked even more embarrassed. He thought back to his childhood, about sitting on his Nan’s
lap and her saying to him, “Who is Nannies little Cherub? You is.” He smiled again.

“So you mean like the Elulites just have to grant wishes, err. Prayers I mean?” Trevor asked.
“Some prayers,” Tratner replied. “They would all be here all day if they listened to every prayer, here
listen.” Tratner snapped his fingers.
Thousands of voices could be heard talking over each other, Trevor could just make out what a
couple were saying, “Please God, let me win the lottery this week, I promise I will….” and “Oh God,
please make this rash on my dick go away. If you do I promise I will never be unfaithful to my wife
again.” Trevor smiled, Tratner snapped his fingers and the voices stopped.
“You see,” Tratner explained, “each second of every day there are thousands of prayers that come up
to us, people asking for things that they are just not going to get. But then there are other’s that we
listen to, here listen to this for example,” he snapped his fingers again. A child’s voice could be heard,
“Please Jesus don’t take my Daddy away, please can you make him better. My Mommy is crying and
does not know what to do. Can you please tell the Doctors to make him better?” Trevor felt a lump in
his throat and held back a tear. Tratner and Theobold both looked with amazement when they saw
this.
Tratner snapped his fingers, “See that that prayer is answered,” he called.
Trevor wiped his eyes and looked out at the sunlight.
 Chapter 32

Tratner sat there for a moment, “Choices, choices,” he said.

“What choices?” Trevor asked.
“Where to put you where you would best be of use, you see it’s normally somewhere that you would
come into contact with the things that most affected your life, but with you there is so much.”
“So much what? What do you mean?”
“Well for example, earlier today, remember Mr Young?”
“Yes.”
“Well, in his life back on the planet he allowed his life to be run by alcohol. So we decided to put him
in a place where he cannot have a drink but will be surrounded by people drinking. That is his
penance.”
“So like you mean, well Casanova, you would make him a eunuch in a harem or something.”
Tratner laughed, “Yes, I suppose we could have done so if we had such things as harems. No, I think
you will find that Casanova is a star cleaner.”
“A star cleaner?” Trevor asked he thought for a moment, “Oh forget it. But, well what about Ella?
What did she do wrong?”
“Well back on the planet she used to dislike children and one of her favourite pastimes was to catch
flies and pull their wings off.”
“So you put her with children and something to do with wings?” Trevor worked in his head as he
spoke.
“That’s correct, see you get the idea!” Tratner replied.
“Sodding amazing, you really are sick bastards!”
“Not at all, we believe that by doing so these people can at last serve a worthwhile cause. Then over
time, well providing they do a good job they are allowed to build up their status and perhaps one day
even become an Elulite.”
“One day? And how long does that take?”
“Time has no boundaries here as YOU know it,” Tratner explained, “Why one of your Earth years
passes here in what you would call several minutes, a century will pass in a week or so. Time has no
meaning. We can turn back time or take it forward in the blink of an eye.”
“You mean like when he offered to let me see the Titanic sink,” asked Trevor pointing to Theobold.
“Theobold!” Tratner said in a stern voice.
“I only, well I guess I was showing off.” Theobold replied.
“Frowtoms do not get to see the Earth screens Theobold. I thought I made that quite clear to you.”
“Yes sir, you did sir, sorry sir,” Theobold replied.
Tratner turned to Trevor and continued, “Everyone here will remain here for all eternity. To retain
normality for the inhabitants we break periods into morning, afternoon, evening and night. We start
our tasks in the morning, continue to the afternoon period and then we have a relaxation period in
the evening.”
“And night?” Trevor asked.
“Yes we have night-time too where we do other things.”
“Other things, you mean like bonking and that?”
“Mmm. We prefer to call it ‘companion time’, but yes I believe what you class as bonking still goes on
between couples who are with a chosen one.”
“So you mean like Steph, when she dies, she will come here and me and her could, well you know.”
“I am afraid not Mr Wright, I believe you have already been told how the system works, Stephanie no
longer belongs with you. When she arrives here, and she is not due just yet, she will be an Elulite. An
Elulite and a Frowtom cannot be together.”
“But who decides?” asked Trevor.
“Who decides what?”
Trevor continued, “Who decides who becomes an Elulite and who becomes a Frowtom?”
“You do,”
“Me?” Trevor asked with a puzzled look on his face.
“Yes, your fate in Polema is decided by your actions on the planet.”
“So you mean like if I was a bible basher down there I would have been an Elulite up here?”
“Well yes, but there is no need to go to such lengths.” Tratner replied.
“So if Steph were to come up here as a Frowtom then there is a chance that me and her could….”
Tratner interrupted, “No! Frowtoms are not allowed contact of that nature.”
“So what’s to stop them?”
“We will stop them Mr Wright.”
“How?” Trevor asked puzzled.
“We see everything, you can do nothing without us knowing.”
“Yeah and what you gonna do?” asked Trevor sarcastically.
“Think of a woman Mr Wright?”
“Eh?”
“A woman, think of a woman with whom you want to be.”
Trevor smiled. “Steph.”
“Tratner pushed a button on his desk again and said into the air, “Stephanie Cole please.”
“What’s going on?” Trevor asked.
“Wait,” replied Tratner.
A door appeared in the wall, it opened and Steph entered, she stood there looking lovelier than ever
before, Trevor looked at her and smiled, she smiled back, ‘Jesus, she’s lovely,” Trevor thought.
“Go to her,” Tratner said to Trevor raising his arm to point at Steph.
“What?” Trevor replied in disbelief.
“Go to her, Stephanie is yours to do as you wish,” replied Tratner.
Trevor smiled, he looked at Steph, he looked at Theobold and Tratner, “What you mean I can like
touch her and well we can…..”
“Stephanie is there Mr Wright, do as you wish.”
Steph held out her arms, Trevor held out his as he walked towards her. The second their flesh
touched there was a blinding flash of light and Steph disappeared.
In an instant Trevor’s body was lifted from the ground and was spun around at fifty times per second,
the spinning stopped and his body was flung into the corner of the room.
 Chapter 33

A half hour passed. Trevor opened his eyes and groaned, “My head hurts, what the hell happened?”
he thought. He looked towards the light and saw a desk. He immediately remembered where he was
and what had happened.
“What did you do to me?” he asked looking at Tratner.
“Ah, Mr Wright. You are with us again. Please, come and sit down.” Tratner replied.
Trevor stood up and rubbed his head, “That hurt!” he protested as he walked towards the chair he
had been sitting on.
“Yes, sorry about that, but you did ask us what we would do and well, actions speak louder than
words, Sit!” Tratner gestured towards the chair.
Trevor sat in the chair still nursing his aching body.
“The pain will pass,” Tratner reassuringly said.
“Thanks,” replied Trevor sarcastically.
“So you see Mr Wright, we do have ways of controlling those who do not have the good of Polema at
heart.”
“You do that to everyone?”
“No, not everyone. But occasionally subjects need to be reminded.”
“Reminded of what?” Trevor scorned.
“Reminded that they are in a privileged position and that there are certain standards that must be
observed.”
“So what would you do if Mr Young were to have a drink?”
“He can drink, if however he decides to drink alcohol then he too will face similar circumstances to
those just shown to you.” Tratner replied.
“And this is heaven?” came Trevor’s sarcastic reply.
“No, this is Polema, I think I already explained that.”
“Yes you did.”
“While you were err. asleep, I have attempted to locate your assignment on the system and it
appears that, well, the system is unable to locate your assignment.”
“What does that mean?” Trevor questioned.
“Well normally the system analyses your life and misdemeanours and comes up with a suitable
assignment,” Tratner explained, “but in your case it appears that you do not exist, this is most
strange and it looks like we will have to manually secure an assignment for you. I have asked for
guidance from above but it would appear that he is busy right now.”
“You mean God right?” asked Trevor.
“Yes God.”
“Well can’t you text him or send him an email?”
“Unfortunately no, we do not have to rely on those primitive measures, Now silence! Let us look at
your worst misdemeanours.”

Tratner and Theobold looked at the VDU in front of them, they mumbled to each other.
“Hey, speak up. What are you on about?” Trevor protested.
“It would appear that there have been several things in your life that were, well shall we say less
than Godly,” Tratner replied. “Here look at this one.” Tratner swung round the VDU so that Trevor too
could see.
 Chapter 34

The screen was misty at first then the image cleared. Trevor could see a group of lads hiding behind
a wall about two metres high.
“Hey that’s me!” Trevor exclaimed as he saw an image of himself on the screen, “and there’s Bob and
Tony.”
“Sssshhh, “Tratner protested, “Watch.”

The young Trevor could be seen peering round the corner of a wall that partitioned off a walkway
from the school car park. All the boys wore a white shirt, green pullover, dark grey trousers and black
shoes. This was standard school uniform for the school they were attending.
They were looking at the wall of a building. In the wall there was a window about two feet square,
approximately six foot high in the wall. Sat next to the wall was a wooden crate that had been used
to house a ventilator fan that had been delivered the previous week. “There’s no-one there,” Trevor
whispered “Come on lets go,” He ran towards the wall of a building. “pull the box over,” the other
two boys followed.
Through the window there were sounds of girl’s laughter, shouting and the occasional scream.
“Pull the box over quick!” Tony said to Bob.
Bob was the smallest of the three boys and was struggling to pull the wooden box which was about
three feet square to the window.
“Giss a hand then!” Bob said.
Tony grabbed the other end of the box, “Ssshhh.” He said as he helped his pal to pull the box.
Together they managed to manoeuvre the box under the window. When they had done so Tony
climbed on and slowly edged up to the window. He peered inside and exclaimed, “Corr that bird with
big tits from 3a is there, God she has a hairy muff! There’s that bird you fancy too Bob, you know
Mary the fairy, ahh her tits aint that big!”
“Let me see,” Bob protested as he jumped on the box, “Move ya tosser let me have a look!”
“Here Bob, look at her,” Tony said as the backside of the PE teacher came into sight, “She could do
with a waxing up her ass!” Both boys laughed.
“Here Trev, come and see this. That bird you asked for a date is here, what’s her name, Pat aint it?”
There was no reply.
“Trev, Trev, what ya doing?” Bob asked without removing his eyes from the window. “Trev come
here look, what ya?” Bob stopped mid sentence as he turned and saw Trevor looking at the opposite
end of the car park.
Trevor stood there motionless.
Bob turned, “Shit!” he exclaimed.
“Here Trev. Trev. look you know that bird who always wears them white socks? Well you should see
the tits she’s got, man they are bloody melons!” Tony said excitedly as he turned around. “Shit!” he
too exclaimed.

There standing about four feet in front of Trevor was Mr Schofield. Mr Schofield was the male PE
teacher and he did not look happy at seeing the lads here. Towards the rear of the car park there
was a coach parked. On the coach was the 5th form boys’ football team who had been waiting for the
Headmaster to join them before they set off to play a cup tie match at another local school.
All the boys’ faces on the coach were pressed hard against the windows looking at Bob, Tony and
Trevor. They were laughing hysterically and singing “Who’s a dirty bastard!”

The boys hung their heads in shame as Mr Schofield led them towards the school administration
offices.
 Chapter 35

Trevor looked up from the screen, “Hey I was a kid, didn’t you ever?” he looked for reassurance from
Tratner and Theobold.
“No Mr Wright, I don’t believe I did.” replied Tratner.
“And anyway, if that’s the worst misdemeanour you can come up with, I did my penance, I got the
sodding cane, had to go on the stage at the morning assembly and stand there while the Headmaster
told the whole school what we had done. And I never seen anything. No tits, no muff, nothing! Even
my Mother and Father were called to the school. I was in line to get a new racing bike for me
birthday – I got sod all following that. None of the birds would date me either cos they thought I was
a bloody pervert. Aint that penance enough?”

Tratner and Theobold nodded. “Well I would agree with you possibly, but the fact is you are here and
this was on the screen as one of your misdemeanours,” replied Tratner.
“Look, like I said, I was a kid. You can’t hold that against me for all eternity!”
“Mmm. Let’s see what else we can find,” Tratner said looking towards the screen.

The screen again misted over and cleared slowly, flashing lights could be seen, as the image cleared
a dance floor came into sight. Disco strobe lights lit the dance floor.
“Hey there I am!” Trevor pointed to a figure dressed in a suit at the bar, ”and there’s Mick!”

“Seen them two birds over there?” Mick said to Trevor.

“Seen ‘em, I’ve undressed ‘em six times in me head already,” Trevor replied.
“Which one you fancy then?” asked Mick.
“Aint fussy mate, what about you?”
Mick smiled, “The one with big tits!”

Both girls stood near to a table with their handbags on the floor at their feet. They both wore tight
jeans and dark blue tops. The one which Mick designated as having big tits had a low cut top. She
had shoulder length blond hair and looked a little overweight. The other had a top with a round neck
that hung about four inches from her neck she had dark brown hair of the same length, smaller
breasts and a petite figure.

“Suits me.” Trevor replied. “Yours is fat anyway,” he laughed.

“Get stuffed, I like ‘em with a bit of meat on, c’mon what ya waiting for?”
Mick picked up his drink and walked towards the girls. Trevor quickly grabbed his glass and ran
towards them.

“Evening ladies,” Mick said looking at the fat one with a cheesy grin on his face.
“Hello,” she replied.
“So what did God call an angel like you when he made you?” Mick asked.
She laughed. “Cheryl, and this is Rebecca.”
“Well hi Rebecca and H E L L O Cheryl.”
Trevor shook his head and smiled at Rebecca, she smiled back.
“Hi, I’m Trevor and this is,” he turned to Mick, Mick was already walking towards the bar with his arm
on Cheryl’s waist. “This is Mick, my invisible friend,” they laughed.

“Can I get you a drink?” Trevor asked.

“Lemonade please, sorry I don’t drink alcohol,”
“Hey, no need to apologise, Lemonade it is.”
They walked to another bar away from Mick and Cheryl.
“Two Lemonades please and not too heavy on the bubbles!” Trevor said to the barmaid.
Rebecca smiled.
A short while later the barmaid returned. “Four pounds love, and not too heavy on the coins please,”
the barmaid said on her return with the drinks.
“Here and keep the change,” Trevor said handing over a £5 note.
“Wow, last of the big spenders, you are in for a good night love,” the barmaid said looking at
Rebecca.
They smiled and walked away.
“Wonder if she is up for a shag?” Trevor thought as he guided Rebecca towards a table.
They sat down. Trevor sat close to Rebecca and made sure his hand was within touching distance of
hers.
“So, what are you boys doing here?”
“RAF Tactics,” Trevor thought. “Well we are both in the forces and we are going away in the morning,
not sure when we will be back.”
“The forces, you mean the Army?”
Trevor laughed, “No, bunch of scrubbers they are.”
“My brother is in the Army, he’s here tonight.”
“Shit, Shit, shit!” “I am only joking love,” Trevor said. “They do a good job.”
“So what are you, Navy?”
“No, RAF, Special services you know,”
“What the SAS?” she exclaimed.
“Sssshhh, but yes.”
“Sorry, and you are off tomorrow?”
“Yes, we are parachuting into Northern Iraq at 15:00 hours tomorrow, this could be our last night
here, last night anywhere.”
“What? You mean it’s dangerous?” she said concerned.
“I’ll say. The last 20 that were sent last week have disappeared without trace.”
“What, dead you mean?”
“They are presumed so.”
“Strange, I’ve not heard anything on the news,” she replied.
“Well no you wouldn’t . They keep it quiet don’t they?”
“Oh of course, I am a fool aren’t I?”
“No, you are cute, giss a kiss.”
They kissed, Rebecca pulled away, “Oh Trevor, this is my brother Jed.”
A tall well build, short haired macho man stood behind Trevor.
“Shit, where did he come from?” Trevor thought.
“Hi mate,” Jed said holding out his hand.
Trevor shook his hand.
“He’s parachuting into Northern Iraq at 3pm tomorrow,” Rebecca said to Jed.
“Cool man, give them bastards hell. What unit you with.”
“Err 2212,” replied Trevor.
“Strange, Never heard of them,”
“You wouldn’t silly,” Rebecca said to her brother, “It’s secret!”
Jed looked at Trevor, he looked at Jed, “Well have a good trip anyway,” Jed said as he was dragged
away by a young girl.

“Look, Rebecca, you fancy going a walk somewhere quiet?” Trevor asked.
“Why,” she laughed, “The music too loud?”
“No, I just thought, you know as it could be my last night and all, well I was wondering.”
“Sorry, you are cute, but I don’t sleep with men on the first date,” she smiled.
“Well ok, you better give me your number then and if I do manage to get back perhaps we could
meet up?”
“Oh yes, of course, I forgot, you are flying out in the morning aren’t you?” she replied.
“Yes, that’s what I mean, this could be my last night.”
“Ssshh, c’mon, lets go a walk,” she replied.

After having sex in a shop doorway Trevor kindly walked Rebecca to her bus stop and kissed her
goodnight. The bus came and she boarded it.

As she waved from the rear of the bus Trevor felt in his pocket for the piece of paper she had given
him earlier with her phone number on. He took it out of his pocket, screwed it up and threw it in the
gutter and made his way home.

The following day Mick and Trevor met in a local pub for a drink. They sat at the bar on two stools.
“How did you get on last night?” Trevor asked Mick.
“Was all right mate, was her time of the month so I had to settle for a blow job. It was good though.
How about you?”
“Result mate,” Trevor replied. “Told her I was flying off to Iraq and that I could be dead this time
tomorrow and she fell for it, Hook, Line and Sinker.”
“Get off mate,” Mick replied.
“It’s true mate, she went for it like a dream, got a blowie and full sex up Sainsbury’s door window, I
bet it’s on their security camera.”
“Honest mate?” Mick asked.
“Yeah Honestly!” Trevor replied. “Told her I was with unit number 2210 or something.”
“2212 actually mate,” came a voice from behind Trevor.
Trevor turned around, “SHIT!” he thought. “Jed, hi mate,”
“Flight cancelled was it?” asked Jed.
“Mate you would not believe what happened!” Trevor said, wondering what to say next.
“Try me!” Jed said as his fist hit Trevor’s nose and knocked him clean off his stool.

Trevor next woke up in the A+E department of City Hospital just as the nurse was inserting the last
of three stitches above his eye.
 Chapter 36

Trevor looked up at Tratner and then at Theobold, they were both looking at Trevor disgustingly,
shaking their heads. “That poor girl,” said Theobold.
“Look, all’s fair in love and war,” said Trevor.
“But you lied to her,” Tratner said.
“Yeah, well, I just,”
“You just wanted sex?” Tratner asked.
“Yeah, I did,”
“So why did you not tell her that?”
“Well, look, I was young and stupid. She enjoyed it too,”
“Did she? Or did she just go along with what you told her and felt sorry for you?”
“Look,” Trevor said, “I am not proud of what I did back then, but you have to agree I got my
penance for that one too, I still have the scar, Look!”
Tratner and Theobold looked at a bare patch of skin in Trevor’s eyebrows and nodded.

Tratner sighed, “Let’s see what the system says if I manually put in these misdemeanours against
your name, wait.”
Tratner began typing on the keyboard.
Trevor looked at Theobold concerned but managed a smile.
“That’s strange,” Tratner announced.
“What?” replied Trevor straining his neck to see the screen.
“Look,” came his reply, “I enter the misdemeanours, then your name and press process,” he carried
out the action. A green bar flashed on the screen and the word ‘Elulite’ appeared. “Then if I press
accept,” Tratner continued, “I get this error screen,” he pointed to the screen after pressing the
process button. ‘Error Code 171 Contact System Administrator’ flashed on the screen.

“What’s that ‘Elulite’ mean?” asked Trevor.

“Well normally that would mean that you have achieved Elulite status,” Tratner replied.
“Normally? What do you mean, Normally?” Trevor asked concerned.
“Well, when I press the process key an assigned location should display on the screen.”
“An assigned location?”
“Yes, your designated place to spend eternity in Polema.”
“So what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know.” Tratner said, he too was looking concerned now.
“Well contact the system administrator to find out!” Trevor demanded.
“Well I would but…”
“But what?”
Tratner sighed, “We don’t have one!”
 Chapter 37

“What do you mean you don’t have one?”

“The system never breaks down!” Tratner replied.
“Well hello, it’s broke now,” Trevor replied sarcastically.
“Yes, it would appear that there is a malfunction somewhere. Wait let me press the help key.”
Tratner scanned the VDU, “Ah, here it is. Error code 171. Mmm. That’s strange, it can’t be. Mmm.”
“What?” Trevor said anxiously.
“Well, it err. it would appear that…”
“What?” Trevor demanded arching his neck so he was able to see the screen.
Trevor looked with disbelief at the screen as he read out loud, “Error code 171, subject is still alive.”
He looked up at Theobold and Tratner.
Tratner winced, Theobold looked worried.
“You see there is a malfunction,” Tratner said.
“A malfunction!” Trevor said angrily, “I am here, I can’t go back to Steph cos I am dead, and I can’t
go anywhere else cos the system says I am alive I’ll say there is a sodding malfunction.”
“Yes, it does create us a bit of a dilemma,” Tratner replied rubbing his chin.
“A dilemma? A sodding dilemma?”
“Yes, well err. I am really not sure what to do. Look err. I know,” he thought for a while, “Look, what
you up to tonight?” he asked turning to Theobold.
“Me? Well err. I am in the prayer room,” Theobold replied.
“Great, that’s it. Take Mr Wright with you tonight and we will sort this thing out in the morning. I
would love to help but I have to dash otherwise I will be late, you’ll be alright won’t you?”
Theobold nodded, “Yes, I’ll be fine.”
“Good, that’s sorted then,” Tratner stood up and turned to Trevor. “You go along with Theobold and
we’ll meet again in the morning to sort this out.”
“But wait,” protested Trevor.
“No buts, it’s agreed, we will meet again tomorrow. Now I must dash.”
Tratner walked towards the wall, a doorway appeared through which he walked, the doorway
disappeared.

Trevor looked at Theobold, Theobold smiled, Trevor shook his head.

 Chapter 38

Theobold stood up and picked up some papers from the desk, “We had better go then.”
“Go, Go where?” asked Trevor.
“To the prayer room,” he said walking towards a doorway that had appeared in the wall.
“But what’s in the prayer room? I don’t fancy sitting reading the bible all night.” Protested Trevor.
“Nooo, it’s not that sort of prayer room, come along I’ll explain on the way.”

Trevor followed Theobold through the doorway and along past the chairs at which he had been
seated previously. The corridors were empty. This Theobold explained was because everyone who
was anyone was attending the ball that evening. They continued to walk.

“So why aren’t you going to the ball?” Trevor asked.

“I am not of that status yet.”
“Bit snobbish aint they?”
Theobold laughed, “Between you and me, I would rather not go,” He smiled.
“I get the impression you could be a bit of a character Theo.”
“Theo? Don’t let anyone hear you call me that.”
“Sorry Theo, I mean Theobold.”
“It’s ok, you can call it me when no-one else is around but you must address me correctly in
company.”
“Ok, Sorry Theo. So, what’s this prayer room thing?”
“Well do you remember earlier all the voices you heard, the prayers coming in?”
“Yes,”
“Well we have to monitor those, any we feel are of a suitable nature we can grant, or get an Elulite
who is a relative of the person living to explain to us why they feel the prayer should be answered.”
“Cool, you mean we can grant wishes?” Trevor asked excitedly.
“Well yes, wishes, prayers, requests, whatever you want to call them. But you can’t just grant them,
there has to be a valid reason for the prayer to be answered. Also you must never grant a prayer that
is for something for the individual making the prayer.”
“What you mean like, well, if I said God can I win the lottery you would not let me but if I said God
can the woman at number 42 win it she would?”
“Well you sort of get the idea, but lottery wins are a no no I am afraid.”
“Hey, this is gonna be fun!” Trevor said excitedly.
“Mmm.” Theobold replied as he wondered what sort of a night he was in for.
 Chapter 39

Theobold stopped, “Wait,” he said.

A doorway appeared and Theobold gestured Trevor to step inside.
Trevor apprehensively did so. Inside the room a young man was sitting at a desk that was similar to
the on in the room they had just left. Trevor noted that the only difference was that in this room
there were only two chairs and on the table there were two computer screens and keyboards.
The young man looked up when Trevor and Theobold entered.

“Who’s this?” he asked looking at Trevor.

“Long story, you do not want to know,” Theobold replied.
The man smiled. “All quiet here today anyway, there’s a list here of all outstanding prayers to be
looked at, there’s only about seven and six of them are on a plane that is flying with three engines
across the Atlantic. It’s due to crash in about an hour, your choice if you let it crash or not. The other
one is from some woman who’s daughter died a year or so ago. She keeps on praying for her
daughter to be in God’s keeping. I haven’t had chance to look at it yet. Other than that everything is
hunky dory.”
“Thanks mate,” replied Theobold. “Are you going to the ball tonight?”
“Nah, she that must be obeyed wants to lie on the beach a bit I think, I’m quite looking forward to it,
see ya.”
“Bye,” said Theobold as the man left.

“Take a seat,” Theobold said to Trevor and pointed to one of the chairs.
“Thanks,” replied Trevor as he sat down.
“Mmm. I must look at this plane,” Theobold said as he glanced at one of the screens. Trevor looked
at the screen and could see a Boeing 747 flying with a smoke trail from one of its engines.
“Looks bad,” Trevor said.
“Yeah,” Theobold replied, “let’s see who prayed,”
He looked at the screen and typed on his keyboard for a few seconds, “Ah here it is, lets see, Mr
George Cowther a salesman, Mrs. Carole Laing a retired lady, Mr Joseph Wight a Security Officer,
Mrs. Lesley Bennett a receptionist, Mrs. Judith Lloyd a Government Inspector and Mr John Botwood a
Concierge, all from England.”
“What? They are the only ones who prayed? The plane has to have more people than that on it!”
asked Trevor.
“Yes it does, lets see,” Theobold tapped away on the keyboard, “Here it is,” he read from
the screen: “Boeing 747-400 Twin-Aisle Jet Airliner, USA, Dimensions, Length 70.67m,
Height 19.41m, Wingspan 64.44m, Tailplane Span 22.17m, Cabin Volume 885.9m³, Cruise
Speed Mach 0.85, ah. here it is Passengers 416 to 524. Mmm. Lets have a look at the
passenger list.” He tapped some more. “Yes, there 401 passengers on board and 27 crew
members.”
“But,” Trevor interrupted, “Surely all the others are praying too?”
“Yes they are,” replied Theobold, “But they are the ones who only pray when things are
going wrong in their life, they are probably praying for their own lives to be saved whereas
the others, the names I read out, are praying for others or that the whole plane is saved.”
“Oh, I see,” said Trevor.
“So, what do you think?”
“What do you mean?”
“Should we let it crash or should we save them?”
Trevor looked amazed, “You mean that it’s your decision if they live or die?”
“Yeah, what shall we do?”
“Let them live of course!”
“What all of them?” Theobold asked surprised.
“Of course all of them! They have done nothing to you, leave them alone!”
“Strange, I would have thought you would have liked a good plane crash on your first day
here?”
“NO! Let them live!” Trevor demanded.
“Mmm. Your attitude has changed somewhat, I had you down as a selfish individual. But ok
then,”
He typed some more.
“There, the plane will land safely in JFK an hour later than scheduled,” Theobold said as he
relaxed back into the chair.
Trevor looked on in disbelief.
 Chapter 40

“Fancy a go?” Theobold looked at Trevor

“What me?” asked Trevor in disbelief.
“Yeah, have a look at that woman who keeps making the same request and see what you
think. Fancy a drink?”
“Yes, Yes please,”
Theobold pressed a button on the desk, “Two cold drinks,” he announced.
Trevor turned to his screen.
“The instructions are there on the screen, it’s quite simple really.”
“Mmm,” Trevor replied whilst he continued reading the words on the screen.
After a short while Trevor looked up.
“Easy isn’t it?” Theobold asked.
“Yes, err Yes it would appear so,”
“Go on then!” Theobold said with a smile.
Trevor shook his head and started typing.

A door appeared to the left of Trevor and a young girl approached carrying a tray of drinks.
Trevor continued typing as the girl walked past.
“Hello Trevor,” a female voice said.
Trevor looked up.
“Ella, what are you doing here?”
Theobold looked up too.
“Everyone is going to the ball and there is no-one to show me what to do tonight so I am
just doing bits and bobs until tomorrow,” Ella explained.
“How are you?” Trevor asked.
“Oh, I am ok I suppose, I just wish I had not done what I did.”
“What you mean slitting your wrists?”
“Yeah, It was stupid really. I miss my Mom and Dad,”
“Me too, not miss my Mom and Dad but wish I hadn’t hung myself. I miss Steph,” he
sighed.
“So how you finding it?” Theobold asked.
“It’s nice. Everyone is really friendly.”
“You have a good assignment,” Theobold said. “We didn’t show you out the window did
we?”
“No, err no,” Ella replied.
“Come see,” Theobold stood up, put his arm on Ella’s shoulder and guided her to the
window,”
“WOW!” Ella exclaimed as she neared the window, “It’s, it’s lovely,”
“Isn’t it,” Theobold replied.
The two continued to talk near to the window.
Trevor picked up his drink. “Ah Guinness,” he thought, “this thinking of drinks is good, I
could get used to this!” he smiled.
Trevor continued to type on the keyboard. The image of a woman about forty years old
appeared on the screen. She was upset and crying. Trevor continued to type in order that
he could check the history on the woman’s prayers.

“Lets see,” he muttered to himself.

Details appeared on the screen: Annabel Hewitt, age 42, Chosen one: Paul Hewitt, happily
married, daughter committed suicide almost two years ago. Same prayer every night, ‘Dear
God please keep my daughter in your care, she was so naïve, young and beautiful when
you took her from us, you have left our lives empty, please God, I ask nothing for myself.
Please just take care of Ella.”
A tear trickled down Trevor’s cheek. He thought for a moment, “Ella, Mmm strange.” He
turned to Theobold and Ella who were still talking by the window, “Ella,” he called.
“Yes?”
“What was err is your surname?”
“Hewitt”, she answered.
“And were your Mother and Father called Annabel and Paul?”
“Yes, why?” she looked at him with concern.
 Chapter 41

Ella stood looking at Trevor for a moment, “What is it, why do you need to know that?” she
asked.
Trevor looked alarmed, “Err. On the screen, I think, I think it’s your Mom.”
“My Mom, what?” She ran towards the screen,
“Ella, stop,” Theobold called.
“Mom, it’s my Mom,” she cried out as she saw the image on the screen.
She turned to Trevor and then Theobold, “What is this? What’s my Mom doing on the
screen?”
“It is your Mom Ella, she has prayed for you each night since you arrived.” explained
Theobold in a sympathetic voice.
“Each night? But I have only been here a day!”
“Here yes, but down there on the planet many, many nights have passed. Each night she
says the same prayer,”
“Prayer, What prayer?”
“Here,” Trevor said pressing a button on the keyboard.
“NO!” shouted Theobold.
Too late the screen changed and the image and sound Trevor had witnessed previously
began,”
‘Dear God please keep my daughter in your care, she was so naïve, young and beautiful
when you took her from us, you have left our lives empty, please God, I ask nothing for
myself. Please just take care of Ella.”

Ella stood for a moment in a daze from what she had just seen.
“Ella, I am sorry. You should not have seen that,” Theobold said.
Ella walked towards the window but dropped to the floor a metre or so in front of it. She
sobbed openly.

Trevor immediately stood up and quickly moved towards Ella.

“NO!” Theobold shouted.
Too late, the instant Trevor’s flesh touched Ella’s there was a blinding flash of light and Trevor’s
body was lifted from the ground, spun around for a moment. Then the spinning stopped and his body
was flung into the corner of the room.
Trevor lay on the floor motionless.
Ella lay on the floor scared and still sobbing.

Theobold stood there looking helpless.

 Chapter 42

A half hour or so passed. Trevor opened his eyes and looked around him.
“Are you alright?” he heard a female voice ask.
“No, err yes, I am ok, what happened?” he replied rubbing his head.
“Physical contact,” Theobold explained, “I told you, Frowtoms are not allowed to touch. You
instigated the encounter and everything else just happens, it’s out of my control. I could not
stop it. I did try to stop you.”
“Yes you did, thank you,” replied Trevor. “But I am not a Frowtom, it said on the screen
Elulite, You saw it!”
“Yes I did, but until you are assigned as Elulite you are Frowtom, I can’t change that either.
Even if you did get assigned Elulite I am afraid you will still be unable to touch. You can only
touch your chosen one.”
“Elulite, Frowtom, chosen one, bloody shit and bollocks, I am not supposed to sodding be
here!”
“What do you mean?” asked Ella.
“Long story babe, remind me to tell you sometime.”

“Ella and I spoke while you were err asleep, I have explained to her the screen. She was not
supposed to see that. It’s my fault. I am sorry. I would have saved you that distress had I
been able.” he said turning to Ella, “anyway, she is too upset to return to her assignment. I
have agreed that she may stay here until morning. You must promise me that you will not
try to touch each other. Otherwise, well, you saw what will happen.” Theobold explained.
“Don’t worry Theo, I will keep my hands firmly in my pocket,” replied Trevor.
Ella smiled.
“See that you do! Hey, what is that drink?” Theobold asked looking at Trevor.
“Drink?”
“Yes, I am sorry, I picked up your drink by mistake. What is it?”
“Ha, Ha, That’s Guinness old pal, Nectar of the Gods, well not your God of course. It was my
drink when I was err well alive.”
“Guinness eh, I will have to try that again.”
“Be my guest Theo old pal. You could always get some drinks in for us, I am sure Ella could
do with one too.” Trevor asked looking at Ella.
Ella nodded and smiled.
Theobold pressed a button on the desk and announced “Guinness err, I mean three cold
drinks. Oh and another chair please for our guest.”
 Chapter 43

The trio sat there chatting for a while. They talked about ‘old times’, Christmas’s, Space
exploration and the usual stuff people talk about when socializing. They had ordered and
drank three more drinks.
Trevor looked up and saw Ella slumped in her chair.
“Here Ella, how old are you?” asked Trevor.
“Sixteen,” came the reply, “Why?”
Trevor laughed, “Should you be drinking?”
She sniggered.
Theobold looked up in horror.
“You mean there is alcohol in this Guinness?”
Trevor laughed loudly, “Well yeah, why do you think it tastes so good?”
All three sniggered.
Theobold was silent for a moment. “Look you must not drink anymore Ella, you hear?” He
looked at Ella for agreement.
“Hey cool it old man, I have drunk enough, I will puke if I have anymore.” She said
sniggering.
All three laughed.
“And no-one must hear of this ok?” Theobold added.
“Theo old pal, your secret is safe with us,” Trevor replied as he reached over and pushed
the button on the desk.
“Two more drinks,” he announced.
 Chapter 44

After several more drinks Theobold sat back in his chair and began to snore loudly. Ella too
was asleep but she slept so silently, ‘like an angel’ Trevor had thought. Trevor looked at
both of them, “lightweights,” he sniggered.

Trevor looked at Theobold again; he had not moved for over an hour and had continued to
snore. “I wonder. Mmm.” He turned to the computer keyboard, and typed Steph’s name.
‘S T E P H A N I E C O L E’ “Nothing!” Trevor gave a sigh, again he tried it, ‘Still nothing.
Mmm I wonder.” This time he typed ‘S T E P H A N I E E M E R Y,’ immediately a screen
appeared with all of Steph’s details on. ‘Didn’t take him long to propose! Mmm. Pick a date,
when did I die err commit suicide, I’ll go a little before that, Yeah I’ll start here. February
14th Valentines Day!” He entered the date in the keyboard, immediately hundreds of
prayers appeared on the screen. ‘Wow Steph, You pray a lot! Lets see.”
‘14th Feb, Oh God please let Trevor propose tonight, please please please! I love him more
than life, Please God, Please, please, please.’
‘16th March, Please God, let Trevor feel better tonight!’ Trevor remembered he had a bad
cold around that time, he wondered why it had gotten better so soon.
‘18th March, Please God let Casper be alright.’ Casper had the runs then Trevor had
remembered and was shitting everywhere. Steph was really concerned he remembered and
they thought they may lose him.
It went on:
‘20th March, Thank you God for making Casper better’.
‘21st June, God please let Trev and me have a nice holiday. He works so hard and really
needs a break’.
‘24th June, please God, I don’t mind Trev drinking but I don’t want him getting drunk all the
time, I love him and it hurts me to see him like that, can you help?’
‘27th June, God, I don’t think Trev loves me, what have I done? Please help me’.
‘14th July, please let Trev have a nice day out with his friends. And don’t let him look at
other women!’
Trevor smiled.
‘27th July, God, sorry, me again. Not sure why Trev does not love me, help me please. I
don’t know what to do!’
‘7th August, please let Trev do well tomorrow at the interview, a job at my place would do
him good,’
‘21st August, I know Trev doesn’t love me anymore, please I just want him to be happy’.
Trevor thought and remembered they had a big row that night and he had walked out. He
had returned the following day with a hang over and had forgotten most of what had been
said the night before. He continued to read:
‘11th September, please God, if Trev only loves me half as much as I love him I will be
happy’.
Trevor felt a lump in his throat as his eyes filled with tears.
‘1st October, Please God, let things be ok between Trev and me. I really love him. I don’t
know what to do. I don’t think he loves me, Please help me.’
‘10th October, Please God, I need your help. I’m asking Trev to marry me tonight. Can you
help? I know I will make him happy. I just want him to love me, to be proud of me, only
you know how much I really, really love him!’

Trevor immediately felt angry, why had no-one answered Steph’s prayers, then he became
angry at himself for not realizing just how much he meant to Steph.

‘11th October, God Why, Why, Why, Why do this to me, to us, what did we do to deserve
this, what have I ever done? All I wanted was to be happy with Trev. God why, why, why?’
Trevor stopped reading, ‘11th October? That’s the day I, died!’
Tears streamed down his eyes.

He continued:
‘ 12th October, Trev, I hope you can hear me, Why, Why did you do this to us? I love you
more that I can love anyone else. Trev you’ve killed me. I love you. Please remember me, I
know you didn’t love me now, you couldn’t have. You would not have left me. What did I do
so wrong Trev? What did I do? I love you and miss you so much.’

Tears covered the whole of Trevor’s face as he pressed the cancel button on the screen,
“Steph, Steph my baby I am so so sorry” He thought as he held his head in his hands.
 Chapter 45

Ella opened her eyes and looked at Trevor.

“You been crying Trev?” she asked.
“Eh, nah, just had the sniffs,” he replied.
She smiled at him. “God he snores doesn’t he!” she said looking at Theobold and laughing.
Trevor laughed. “Bet it’s the first time he ever had Guinness!”
They both tittered.
“I think I am a little drunk Trev.”
“Yeah, me too, Guinness made in heaven!”
They both laughed.
“What’s this anyway?” she asked pointing at the screens and keyboards.
Trevor gave her a brief explanation of what the keyboard and screens did.
She walked over being careful not to get too close to Trevor so that they did not touch.
“Hey look at this one!” she said pointing to the screen. ‘Please God, let me not get the sack
tomorrow, I didn’t mean to steal the money,’
“That’s nothing,” replied Trevor, “Here look at these if you remove the sexual filter,”
Trevor typed a few letters on the keyboard and looked at the screen. New prayers
appeared.
‘Please God, can you get rid of these spots on my dick?’
Ella laughed.
“Here’s another,” Trevor said,
‘Please God, everyone else in the class’s balls have dropped, one of mine is stuck, it’s
embarrassing, please God, make my other ball drop!’
They laughed.
“Here,” Trevor continued, “Look at this one!” ‘Please God, let this antifreeze kill my partner.
Ben’s cock is so much bigger than his and the insurance money would come in handy.’
“God they’re bad aren’t they, here look at this one,” Ella continued, ‘Please God, let me
break the bank at the Casino tonight, I am sure all the birds would fancy me if I was
loaded, Oh and can you make me look like Brad Pitt? Oh and can you do something about
my willy, two inches fully erect is a bit of a letdown!’
“Brad Pitt?” Trevor laughed.
“He’s nice,” replied Ella.
“Mmm.” Trevor responded, “a bit old for you!” he thought for a moment, “Perhaps not!” he
added.
“Hey! Stop getting personal!” she replied.
They both laughed.

Trevor pushed a button on the desk.

“Two more drinks he announced.”
Ella looked at him and smiled.
“Here, fancy a laugh?” He said
“Why not.” She replied mischievously.

Chapter 46

The drinks arrived; Ella pulled her chair close to Trevor’s but just far away that they would
not accidentally touch.

“Right, where shall we start?” asked Trevor.

They giggled.

“Lets see, err here’s a good one, ‘please God can I have 42” boob’s?’ Granted!” said Trevor
as he pressed the accept button.
Ella looked at him in amazement, “You’re bad!” she said laughing.
“Yeah, I’d like to be there when her bloke see’s them! In fact I wouldn’t mind a look myself,
Mmm, I wonder,” he turned to the keyboard.
“TREVOR!” she glared at him.
“Sorry!”
They both laughed.
“Here’s another, ‘please god can I have the biggest cock on the planet?’ Granted!”
“This I gotta see,” announced Ella as she looked over Trevor’s shoulder.
Trevor pressed a few buttons on the keyboard. The image on the screen misted over then
cleared. What they both saw then was so fantastic that it was unbelievable. A man of
around five feet four was lying on the ground outside a brothel with his legs spread so wide
apart that he was in agony, between his legs lay the hugest penis anyone had ever seen. It
was eight feet long and had a girth of one and a half feet. They both looked at the screen in
disbelief.
“How did that happen?” asked Ella.
“Dunno,” replied Trevor, “I just pressed granted,”
“What was it he wished for?” Ella asked.
“A big cock I think, hang on I’ll have a look.” He pressed a few keys on the keyboard, “Here
it is, ‘please god can I have the biggest cock on the planet?’ “
“Well it’s certainly big!” Ella stated “Yuk!”
“Yeah but how come it’s so big? It’s frigging huge!”
“You know what happened don’t you?” Ella said as a thought occurred to her.
“No what?”
“He asked for the biggest cock on the planet didn’t he?”
“Yeah,”
“Well think about it, Whales and Giraffes have cocks too don’t they?”
“Bloody hell yeah,”
“So he got a cock bigger than theirs!” Ella exclaimed.
“Shit! Poor sod.” Trevor announced as he burst into laughter. He pressed a button on the
desk.
“Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it!” Ella shouted at the screen.
“Two more drinks! Oh and pizza’s, kebabs and chips too. No! Scrub that, bring a tray of
drinks and a banquet fit for a king!” Trevor announced.
They both laughed.
A short while later the door opened and three young girls dressed in flowing white dresses
entered carrying a tray full of drinks and six trolleys of food arrived.
They placed the food and drinks around the room and turned to leave.
“No, stay!” demanded Trevor.
Apprehensively at first they picked at the food and drink, in a short while however Trevor
and Ella soon got them into the swing and a party atmosphere filled the room.

Two hours passed during which time prayers were answered firstly on an ‘every other’ basis
but as this was too slow and time consuming for Trevor and Ella as it interfered with their
drinking Trevor found a way to hold down the ‘accept’ key which meant that every prayer
made by anyone, including the prayers requesting things for the prayer maker themselves
were answered.

Throughout the world chaos ensued, there were two million lottery winners in the UK alone.
No-one could understand why in the clubs and pubs the most unattractive guys were taking
the prettiest girls home. People who were brought into hospital that were not expected to
live more than a few hours were getting up and taking the nurses and doctors, who now
had nothing to do, out for drinks. Decomposing bodies were climbing out from their graves
and returning to their loved ones like a scene from ‘The Living Dead’, this itself caused
chaos as the once human bodies, or what was left of them, some with eyes, ears or their
nose missing, returned home to an unsuspecting family. World records in sporting activities
were broken time and time again. The schools, colleges and universities saw their biggest
ever examination pass rates. Elderly people were queuing up at chemists for KY jelly while
young attractive men and women were calling at nursing homes and being invited into the
elderly residents bedrooms. For around a week chaos ensued on the planet. Everyone alive
thought the end of the world was coming. The whole planet looked like a scene from ‘Up
Pompeii”.
 Chapter 47

A further hour and half passed during which time the occupants of the room, with the
exception of Theobold who was still fast asleep, drank and ate as though food and drink
was going out of fashion. Finally the room grew quiet. Trevor and Ella lay slumped at
opposite corners of the room while one of the young girls lay flat out on the table, another
was slumped in the chair next to Theobold’s while the third lay unconscious under the table.
The computer keyboard still had the key depressed so that all incoming prayers were
answered the moment they arrived.

The whole room looked like a scene from the St. Valentine’s Day massacre, but without the
blood.

No-one saw the doorway appear in the wall. Tratner entered the room, “Hello Theobold, I
have come to see how you are..” he stopped mid sentence and looked around him in
disbelief. The room was silent except for the computer making a ‘ping’ sound each time a
prayer was answered. He stormed over to the computer screen and saw the display
counting off the amount of prayers answered this session, “73,698,224,” as he watched it
continued, “73,698,230,” “73,698,250,” he found the key that was fastened down and
released it. Immediately the amount of prayers counter stopped, “73,698,627.”

“THEOBOLD!” he roared.
Theobold did not stir.
“THEOBOLD!” he roared louder.
Theobold opened one eye, saw Tratner and jumped up with a start.
“Theobold what the hell has been going on?” he demanded.
Theobold still in a daze, looked around him at the room, “I err I err I,” he tried to speak but
the words would not leave his mouth.
“Theobold, I think you have some explaining to do and this had better be good!”
 Chapter 48

Theobold stood for a moment unable to speak. “We err that is I, err well, I think we got a
little drunk sir.”
“A little drunk? A little drunk? I would hate to see you after a full drinking session!” Tratner
roared.
“Yes sir, I mean no sir. I mean I am sorry sir.”
“Sorry? Sorry? This will take more than your pitiful sorry to put right!” Tratner exclaimed. He
looked at the ceiling in the room and roared, “Cleaning detail to the prayer room
immediately!” He walked over to the computer and studied a screen that appeared after he
had depressed a few keys. “My God! Have you see these prayers that have been
answered?”
“No, err No I haven’t,” Theobold replied sheepishly and walked to the screen to look.
The details were there on the screen of all of the prayers granted. Theobold looked with
terror on his face.
“What can we do?” he cried.
“WE? WE?” Tratner roared, “There is no we in this one you managed to perform this all on
your own!”

A doorway appeared and five men dressed in brilliantly white uniforms entered and started
to clean away the mess.
“And get rid of those three as well!” He said pointing to the three girls.

A short while later the office was again spotless. Trevor and Ella remained motionless in
their respective corners of the room.

When the office was vacated by the last of the cleaners Tratner turned to Theobold and
made his displeasure at the whole episode clear. There was nothing Theobold could do or
say that would calm Tratner in the slightest. They both sat at the desk looking at the
mayhem that was still taking place on the planet.

Trevor opened one eye then another. He raised his head and saw Tratner and Theobold
frantically studying the help pages on the screen of the computers.

“Hi,” he said as he approached them.

Tratner turned, “I take it this is your doing?” he said glaring at Trevor.
“Well, we err, things got a little out of hand I think.”
“A little out of hand! Is that what you call it? In less than three hours you have completely
ruined life as anyone would recognize it on the planet! This will take some bloody sorting
out. There will need to be a mass reversal of time to put this right! Not since time began
has there been such a catastrophic cock up of this nature! God will need to be informed!”
Trevor hung his head. “I suppose we did get a little carried away.”
“My God man, this will haunt you for all eternity believe me! Any thoughts you had about
becoming an Elulite have just been blown away. You will be shoveling shit in the sewers of
Polema for all eternity! Him too!” he added pointing at Theobold.
“It wasn’t Theo’s fault.”
“Theo? Theo? Who the hell is Theo? You will address Theobold by his correct title from now
on, Mr Henson. And me by mine Mr Daccord!” He turned to Ella and pointed, “And she, she
will work in the launderette for the next millennium, I will personally see to that!”
“Look Tratner they had nothing to do with this, none of them. It was me. I was the one that
make the balls up, blame me not them!”
“Very admiral of you to say so but it won’t help. Mr Henson can join you too! You hear that
Henson, shit shoveling for you too!” he said as he swung around to gaze at Theobold. As he
did so his arm caught a bunch of papers on the desk and they flew into the air landing
slowly near to Trevor’s feet.
Trevor bent over and almost lost his balance, his head still reeling from the over indulgence
that had just taken place. He began to pick up the papers and place them in a neat pile on
the desk. As he did so one caught his eye. It had written on it ‘IMPORTANT – IMMEDIATE
ACTION’ in bright red writing. He glanced further down the page and scanned the writing as
Tratner continued his cursing at Theobold.

He stood there amazed at what he was reading. “Hey look,” he said looking at Theobold
then Tratner.
“Do not interrupt me!” Tratner roared.
“Look I said here!”
“DID YOU NOT HEAR ME?” Tratner turned to Trevor and glared.
“I think you had better get your head out of your arse and have a look at this before you
say anything else to anyone!”
 Chapter 49

Tratner walked over to Trevor and snatched the piece of paper that he was holding from his
hand.
“What’s this?” he looked at the paper. He read the script for a few moments, “Damnation!”
he exclaimed. “How on Earth did this get missed?” he turned to Theobold.
“Those are the papers you brought in this morning,” replied Theobold, “You said we would
go through them later.”
Ella opened her eyes, “What’s going on? Where am I?”
“You ok babes?” Trevor asked.
“No not really.”
“Well don’t worry, things may just be about to get a whole lot better!”
“What do you mean?”
“How on Earth did we miss this?” roared Tratner.
Theobold smiled, “Err ‘We’ did not miss it. You missed it!”

Tratner slumped on the chair, “Jesus Christ Amen!” he exclaimed.

“What, what is it?” Ella asked as she got to her feet and walked tenaciously towards
Tratner.
Tratner held out a piece of A4 paper to Ella, she took it and read,

“Immediate Action, Mr Trevor Wright, due today. Please ensure that this individual is
immediately returned to Earth. The suicide bid is to be unsuccessful.”
“But how can that be?” asked Theobold.
“SShhh it goes on,” Ella continued. “Mr Wright should have eaten a breakfast which would
have topped his weight above the weight the rope which he is to purchase will sustain.
There was a system error with the timing of a telephone call and Mr Wright did not consume
his breakfast. He should be returned without delay and suffer only minor injuries. This has
been deemed so by his Father, Mother and Grandmother. The decision was unanimous.”

A tear ran down Trevor’s cheek, “Mom, Dad. I never, I, I, I never knew you were there, I
never knew you cared.”
“Don’t you see what this means Trevor! You should not be here. You shouldn’t be dead!”
Ella said with a smile on her face.
“A system error, that’s it we’ll say it was a system error!” Tratner announced.
Trevor looked up angrily towards Tratner. “A system error! A bloody system error! You said
the system never breaks down! That’s twice in a, well, in a day up here!”
Tratner shook his head. “Why me? God, Why me?”
 Chapter 50

All four remained silent for a minute or so, stunned at what they had just heard read out.
Tratner broke the silence, “What the hell are we going to do? I will be shoveling shit for all
eternity when God hears about this!”
“Does he need to know?” asked Theobold.
“Of course he does. I will have to tell him so that he can authorize the turning back of time
to place Mr Wright back there. This will be the end for me, and you! Unless Mmm.”
Tratner thought for a moment, then he took the paper, screwed it into a ball and threw it in
the waste basket.
Trevor looked in horror! “What are you doing, You can’t do that!”
“I just did!”
“No. I am not having that! I want to go back. Whatever it takes I want to go back!”
“But don’t you see,” Tratner pleaded, “You can stay here, you like Ella don’t you? I will
arrange it so that you and she can spend eternity in Polema as Elulites. She can be your
chosen one and you hers.”
“Hello,” Ella continued, “Don’t I get a say in this? Trevor’s nice and all but I would like to
make my own choice. No offence,” she added as she turned to Trevor.
“None taken, I want Steph anyway,” replied Trevor, he continued, “Look, throwing that
paper away wont solve anything. Sooner or later someone will find out you cocked up and
then you’ll be in for it!” Trevor said to Tratner.
Tratner thought for a moment then shook his head. “Yes you’re right,” replied Tratner as he
put his head in his hands. “What can we do?”
The room was silent for a moment. Trevor sighed.
“Look, I got it!” exclaimed Trevor turning to Tratner, “You get in touch with God and tell
him, I dunno, tell him there has been a cock up here, a system error and you have to turn
back time to correct the prayers that got answered, You were going to do that anyway!”
“Yes, then what?” replied Tratner with a glimmer of hope in his voice.
“Well, you just turn back time a little farther than expected, call that a system error too!” he
said sarcastically.
“Mmm,” said Tratner, “That might just work, but lying to God? I dunno.”
“Look, it’s that or shoveling shit for eternity!” Trevor reminded him.
“But then what, what will you do?”
“Well I won’t bloody commit suicide. And I am sure Ella won’t either!”
“Ella?” asked Tratner, “Oh No, the deal is for you only!”
Ella looked at Tratner angrily, “Deal! Deal! This is my life you are talking about. I am not a
bloody deal!”
“Ella comes back too!” Trevor stated.
“No, No, I can’t do that!” replied Tratner.
“No? Well what about if I tell God about the cock ups you made today about letting me float
and all that? Sorry Theo,” added Trevor.
Theobold winced.
“Mmm.” Tratner thought for a moment. “Ok, it’s worth a shot. But you two must give me a
solemn promise that this will go no further at all. I can’t erase your memories you see, so
you’ll know all about everything that goes on here. And you must never ever meet down
there!”
Ella and Trevor looked at each other “Agreed!”
“Right, let’s go for it.” Tratner turned to the table and a telephone appeared.
 Chapter 51

Tratner pressed some keys on the telephone.

“Hello,” he said. “I am sorry to bother you God at this hour but we have a mini crisis here in
the prayer room.”
Silence.
“Yes, I am afraid it is the err. system, it err. well it played up for a while and well the
accept key stuck on the keyboard when we were accepting a prayer. We didn’t realize it had
stuck and err. well by the time we did notice hundreds, if not thousands of prayers were
answered. Obviously they shouldn’t have been.”
Silence.

Trevor reached over to the desk unseen by Tratner and Theobold and picked up a pencil
and wrote something on a piece of paper. Ella saw him and looked to see what he was
doing.
“Sshh,” he whispered as he handed Ella the paper. He was careful that their flesh did not
touch. Ella took it and without reading it slid it in down the top of her dress between her
breasts.

“Oh, only a few years I think,” Tratner continued.

Silence.
“No, No sir, I don’t think there is any need for you to come down,” Tratner looked
frightened.
Silence.
“Yes, No, I am sure. Yes, we can do that.”
Silence.
“Yes, you too sir,”
Silence.
“Goodnight sir, and thank you.”

Tratner sat back in his chair and let out a deep sigh.

“Well?” asked Trevor.

“He went for it,” replied Tratner.
“Magic!” exclaimed Trevor.
“Fantastic,” said Ella.
“Thank God for that!” was Theobold’s response.

“Right, lets get a move on then. You must remember your promise to me,” Theobold said as
he turned to Ella and Trevor, “You must never meet on the planet, if you do you will be
back up here quicker than you can say ‘smelly socks’ “
“Smelly socks?” asked Ella.
Trevor shook his head. “Don’t worry, we won’t.”

“Come now, stand by the window, not too close! That’s it,” commanded Theobold as he
positioned them. He continued, “Ok, we need to go back to the morning of 11 th October,
that’s when Ella took her life and was also the last morning Trevor had on the planet.”
Theobold turned a dial on the desk and pressed a few buttons on the keyboard. “That’s it!”
he exclaimed.
“NO WAIT! I erm, I did something I was not proud of on the 10 th October. Given my time
again I would not do it,” Trevor said.
Ella looked at him, “What?”
He shook his head, “Look, can you take me back to about 11:00 am on the 9 th October?”
“Yes, well yes, I suppose it makes no difference. If we get caught going back another day,”
Tratner said as he turned to Theobold.
“Ok, you two, now remember your promise. You must never meet, and don’t get taking your
lives again. All being well we will see you in a few weeks, erm about fifty or so Earth years I
mean and hopefully you will come to us as Elulites!”
Trevor turned to Ella and smiled. “Goodbye Ella, see you in fifty years or so.” “Goodbye
Trev….” she did not finish saying Trevor’s name before they disappeared.
 Chapter 52

Mr Jones continued “but we just simply can’t make business magically appear. So it is with regret that
I have to advise you that we are letting you go. We will pay you to the end of the week and any
holiday pay or monies you are owed will be sent on to you. We will obviously keep your details on file
and if something turns up we’ll be in touch.”
“You know what Mr Jones, you can shove the job up your ass. I was going to resign anyway!”
Trevor got up and left the office.

Trevor parked his car over the road from his house. “Why not!” he thought.

He walked to the pub and stepped up to the bar and nodded his head to the landlady as he did so.
“What can I get ya?” she asked as he reached the bar. “I’ll have a pint of Guinness please love.”
“Two forty love,” she said half way through pouring his pint.
“Keep the change,” Trevor said,
“Thanks.” Came her reply as she continued to pour his drink.

The door opened.

“Hi mate, what you doing here?” Trevor looked up and saw Tony.
“Hi, what you doing here?” Trevor replied.
“Oh, just popped in for a beer,” Tony replied.
“Here mate, I’ll get them. I am just popping over the shop, you’ll still be here when I get back won’t
you?”
“Err, yes,” Tony replied.
“See you in a bit,” Trevor said as he handed the money to the barmaid “Get him a pint love, Oh and
have one yourself,” he walked to the door and left the pub.

Trevor crossed the road and stopped at the cashpoint, “Lets see,” he thought, “£40 should be
enough,” he pressed the buttons on the machine and waited for his money to come. He put it in his
back pocket and walked about a quarter of a mile up the road to the local florist.
“A large bouquet please, about £35,” he said to the female assistant when she greeted him.
“You’ll have to wait about ten minutes, unless you want to call back?”
“I’ll wait,” replied Trevor, “I have all the time in the world.”

True to her word in around twelve minutes the assistant made the most wonderful bouquet and
placed it on the counter.
“That’s fantastic!” he said.
“Thank you, that’s £35.”
“Here, £40, keep the change.”
“Thank you,” she smiled to Trevor as he left.

Trevor walked back to the pub and walked in carrying the bouquet.

“Wow, I never knew you cared!” exclaimed Tony when he saw the bouquet.
“I don’t!” replied Trevor. “I just came to say goodbye!” he said and turned to walk to the door. “Bye
love,” he called to the barmaid as he left to walk home.
 Chapter 53

He saw Steph’s car as he turned the corner. He walked up to the gate it squeaked as he slowly
pushed it open. He opened the door and stepped inside. Casper came running at him and almost
made him lose his balance as he jumped up to greet his master.

“Casper you monkey, what are you doing,” Trevor said rubbing the dogs head.
“Hi babes, are you alright?” Steph shouted from the kitchen.
“Oh yes babes, I am.”
She looked at him and saw the flowers. “What?” she exclaimed.
“I resigned today babes so I thought we would celebrate!”
“Celebrate,” she looked confused.
“Yeah, I can do better than that place!”
“I know that, I keep telling you to pack it in!”
“Where have you been?”
“I just popped in the Bush for a beer when I got you these flowers.”
“They are lovely Trev. Thank you,” she came over and kissed him on the cheek. “Many in there?”
“Nah, Tony came in but I didn’t speak to him much.”
Steph smiled, “You said he was a bit of a plonker.”
“Yeah, he is. Fancy a Chinese tonight? I got something I want to ask ya.”
“Ok babes, everything ok?”
“Everything is fine, c’mon boy I’ll take you for a walk,” he said to Casper as he reached for his lead.
Steph smiled. “Mmm. Wonder what he is going to ask me?”

That night over a lovely meal Trevor looked at Steph and smiled.
“Steph babes.”
“Yes.”
“Will you marry me?”
“Eh?”
He smiled, “I don’t have to get down on one knee do I?”
“No, err. I mean no you don’t have to and yes, Yes I will marry you!” tears filled her eyes.

That night in bed Steph whispered to God, “Thank you.”

 Chapter 54

Trevor woke and opened one eye. He could just make out the time on his alarm clock, 7:08, “ I never
set my alarm. I won’t be able to take the dog before………… Mmm no work. Forgot that!” The smell
of bacon cooking was drifting up from the kitchen. He pulled on his robe and walked through the
bedroom door to the bathroom. He squeezed the toothpaste onto his brush and began to clean his
teeth.

He used the toilet and washed his hands before going downstairs.

Steph was just laying the plates on the table in the breakfast room when Trevor entered the kitchen.
“Hope you are hungry babes, I cooked you a big breakfast,” she said with a smile. “C’mon, sit down.
I am just making a pot of tea.”
“Thanks.”
“What you up to today,” she asked.
“Well I thought I had better get that hedge cut, I said I would some time ago.”

At that the phone rang. “I’ll get it,” shouted Steph.

Steph was in conversation for a few minutes on the phone. She then returned and sat opposite
Trevor.

“Who was that Babes?” he asked.

“Oh it was just Tom. I have to meet him at O’Brien’s at ten and he was making sure I knew what to
say in case I got there before him. God you were hungry! Breakfast ok?”
“It was lovely, thank you. I Think I’ll take Casper for a quick walk.”

About half an hour later Trevor returned.

“Bit cold today babes,” he said.
“I just hung some washing out. Keep your eye on it will you in case it rains.”
“It won’t rain.”
“How do you know?”
“I just know.”
Steph walked over to Trevor, smiled and pressed her lips towards his. Trevor did the same.
“Bye babes,” Steph called as she closed the door.
“Bye fiancé,” came his reply.

Trevor sat at the table in the breakfast room. “Mmm. Better get the shears out and cut that hedge.”
Trevor went to the garage to get the shears. He walked around the front of the house and began to
cut the hedge.
“Hello love,” came a voice from the garden opposite, Mrs. Smith was busy in her garden.
“Hello,” he replied, “Need some help?”
“No love, Thank you for asking. But I enjoy being out, make the most of life I say.”
“Couldn’t agree more,” Trevor replied with a smile on his face.

Trevor spent most of the day in the garden stopping only briefly in order to peel some potatoes and
vegetables for tea.
Steph arrived home “Have I got some fantastic news for Trevor she thought!”

“Trev, Hi babes,” she called as she walked through the door. She looked around the kitchen. “Oh you
have prepared tea!” you are an angel.
“Not quite,” he replied as he kissed her on the cheek.
 Chapter 55

The marriage was in June the following year, followed by a honeymoon in Barbados courtesy of
Steph’s parents.

On their return they called at Steph’s parents’ house to collect Casper and to thank them for giving
them such a wonderful holiday.

When they returned home Trevor said “You wait in the car while I open the door and take off the
alarm.” Steph did as she was told.
Trevor walked to the door, unlocked it, stepped over some post and entered the alarm code. He
returned to the car and said, “C’mon then Mrs. Wright!” Steph smiled and walked up to the door.
Casper was running alongside.
Trevor stopped her at the door, kissed her and picked her up to carry her over the threshold.
“Put me down!” she laughingly protested, “You’ll drop me!”
“I will if you keep fidgeting!”
He lowered his new wife to her feet in the kitchen and bent to pick up the post.
“Anything exciting?” she asked.
“No, just a few bills, Oh and a postcard.”
“A postcard?” she asked let me see.
Trevor handed her the card. On the front was a picture of a lovely valley in Wales. She turned it over.
It was addressed to ‘Trevor and Steph’ with their correct address, including the postcode. The
greeting on the card said, ‘From one Elulite to another – Thank you x.’
“What’s that mean?” asked Steph.
“I have no idea, come here Mrs. Wright, giss a kiss.”
 Chapter 56

Theobold stood at the desk stood rubbing his head, “God I feel rough.” He said, Tratner winced,
serves you right, I have no sympathy at all.

A short while later footsteps could be heard coming along the Pearly Gates corridor. Tratner and
Theobold looked up at each other then towards the sound of the footsteps.

A figure grew closer, Tratner could see that the figure looked rather large and had a beard, he looked
at the approaching figure in amazement.

“Hello lads,” God said in a deep and masterful voice.

“Hello sir,” Tratner replied bowing his head.
“Good err. Morning,” came Theobold’s response.
“Bit of an almighty cock up yesterday wasn’t it?” God said.
“Yes, sorry sir, I err. It won’t happen again,” replied Tratner.
“Oh well, all’s well that ends well eh? Someone will be along later to replace the system. See that
they are guided in the right direction will you please? I hope you enjoyed the ball Tratner.”
“Yes, I did sir, thank you. I thought your talk on the dangers of carrying thunderbolts in pockets was
most informative.”
“Did you? Good, can’t have the damm things going off all over the place can we?”
God continued “Theobold, What’s this about scientists in a field with a the cow and monkey? I hear it
was funny.”
“Yes sir, it was.”
“Well come on then share the fun.” God said with a smile on his face.
“Yes sir, of course sir, well you see,” Theobold continued:
“Well sir, a group of three scientists wanted to conduct an experiment to see how large a cow would
grow if it did not have a shit for several months.” He looked at God for encouragement.
“Yes, yes, continue,” God said.
“Well, so they decided to ram a cork up the cow’s bum and let it feed for several months. After a few
months the cow grew so huge that they decided to remove the cork to see what would happen.”
“Yes, Yes, Go on.” God said listening intently.
“Well they were all too scared to pull the cork out. So one of the scientists trained a monkey to pull a
cork out of a cows bum. On the glorious day that the cork was to be removed the scientists decided
to stand at different distances from the cow so that they could observe what happens.”
“Yes, yes, go on,” God said getting more and more excited.
“Well, they decided that one would stand 20 metres away from the cow, another would stand 10
metres from it and the last would stand 5 metres away.”
“Yes, Yes.”
“Well the monkey pulled the cork out and shit went everywhere. It completely covered the monkey
and the scientist standing 5 metres away from the cow, it covered the scientist standing 10 metres
away up to his neck and the scientist standing 20 metres away up to his knees.”
God looked amazed, “What happened next?” he demanded.
“Well the scientist in shit up to his knees released himself and ran for a shovel to help his colleagues.
He dug out the scientist with shit up to his neck, they both then tried to find the scientist that was
closest to the cow. They looked and looked but could not find him.”
God looked concerned.
Theobold continued, “After several minutes they could hear the missing scientist laughing in the shit
below them. They dug frantically. As they got closer to him they could hear him laughing hysterically.
What are you laughing at? They asked.”
Gods eyes opened wide with amazement, “Go on.”
Theobold continued, “You should have seen the monkey trying to shove the cork back in!”
God fell on the floor and burst into hysterical laughter.

After a few minutes his laughter subsided, “Tell Adolf to heat the planet slightly, I want the sun to
shine today,” God smiled as he walked along the corridor tittering.