Bittersweet love

Sayak banerjee

Website-Sayakshinobu.wordpress.com

An indian doctor, avid reader and writer with deep interest in psychology and philosophy.
Founder and admin of facebook.com/psychunleased/ page

Emotions are like a river. Its only human to feel pain. But let things flow, express it as it feels.
There is no heroics in suppressing emotion. but after that let things go- no heroics in clinging to
it either. Continuous pain gives rise to hatred and hatred blinds one to the more subtler virtues of
life.

According to vedas, once upon a time the mountains had wings, yes the gigantic towering pieces
of earth could fly. Not by bird’s wings though – by clouds- the soft fluffy blue stuffs could carry
a mountain. So, they would fly around and land on everywhere uninvited and create all sorts of
nuisance. So, as fate would have it, Indra the God of weather, cut off their wings as a punishment
and they ended up being stationary. But for the eternal love of the clouds and the mountains, they
still hang around.

Whenever the world goes all out against me, i always hold a piece of blue feather in my fists and
i never felt alone anymore. Its hard living alone when the whole world conspires against you.
after all, i am just a late twenty guy with a midlife crisis. And it all started here in this coffee
shop a few years ago. I proposed a charming young girl in this very table and we set off flying
from the start. but as a year went by a lot of stuff happened and she left me and my run of
misfortunes started. I loved her really and she loved me too but as fate would have it, i just
couldn't keep her smiling as she used to and still do. She was a free bird and i just had tried to tie
a thread in her leg. I didn't meant it ofcourse, but i was no better.

I called her a few months later one day after a long list of missed ones and asked to meet here. I
was sitting on this very chair, thinking all the negative stuff one can think of- hovering above my
head - never leaving me apart.

The waiter brings a glass of water.

“what would you order, sir”
“I am waiting for someone, can you please come after sometime”

I was so depressed , even the glass of water looked empty to me- so bland, so hopeless. The sip
took like eternity. As if time has slowed down just for me- just to cherish my obvious downfall-
making it last longer and longer- laughing at me, laughing as I keep falling in the endless dark
hole.

“hi”, here she is, standing in front of me, with that cheeky smile and the joyous spirit gifted
straight from heaven only to her. I was so distracted in my own thoughts, I even missed her
footsteps – the sound that always used to lit me up.
“sorry, to keep you waiting.
Wow such a lovely weather isn’t it.”
It was one of those open café where u can sit in the outside.

“look clouuds, it’s gonna rain!!”

It was already raining over me- of course she couldn’t see it. I was drenched in the rain- draining
everything I had and yet she is sitting there in front of me, smiling, crossing her shoulders in the
hopes of a rain, smiling like it’s the best day on earth- smiling like nothing has ever happened-
smiling like the best is yet to come.

“Here comes the rain again

Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are”my phone rang up and I had to turn it off. It has a funny sense of timing
of ringing up sometimes.

I started talking. I was just dying to. There was so many things I needed to tell her. I told her
everything- everything bad that has happened after she left- that everything bad that could have
happened have happened.

I missed her. I made no fuss admitting it to her. Hell, I was dying to tell it to her. I was so down,
and it was all because of her, why shouldn’t she know? Why should she enjoy the world like she
was while I was walking deeper in the abyss. She must know she was the reason for all those
cuts in my wrists, for all the darkness my eyes could see. I was suffering and so should she!
But, as usual,she just didn’t get it- just as she never did- always shrugging off every negativity
that approached her. Quite the same reason I fell for her.
“look at the world" she cried, "open your eyes. Its such a beautiful place. look at the mountains,
look at the Sun, listen to the birds. Don’t dwindle in your past. Its such a beautiful place!”
Ofcourse it was. It was the very place I proposed her.
“remember that day?”
Oh, ofcourse she didn’t. albeit she should have, but she just didn’t. I was her past now from
which she has moved on and she was my present still from which I haven’t overcome. Why
should it have to happen this way?
“will you please come back.” I made an desperate effort. And I sounded just as desperate as I
was inside.
“I can’t. I have moved on. But you know, I am always with you and will always be there for you.
Take this”
She grabbed a feather flying by and gave it to me. It was a beautiful blue feather. I took it and
held on to it.
“whenever you need me, just grab this and remember I am always with you.”
But, I wasn’t just going to leave with just a feather, I wanted her, i needed her. And wasn't going
to take no for an answer. But what could I say to possibly convince her after everything that has
happened?
“sir …sir, your order please.” The waiter shouted. “it’s a busy time and your partner haven’t
arrived yet”
What nonsense he is talking.
I looked in front of me.
There was an empty chair.
Shit. What had happened? Did she never came?
“sorry, I am leaving.” I walked up to save any more embarrassment.
“keep this change” I took a few rupees and gave it to him.
As I did, I saw a blue feather in my fist.
Where did this blue feather came from?