Choosing Your Values and Goals

Consider the following ten domains that might be of some importance to you:

1. Marriage/couple/intimate relationship

2. Parenting

3. Family relations (other than intimate relations and parenting)

4. Friendship/social relations

5. Career/employment

6. Education/training/personal growth and development

7. Recreation/leisure

8. Spirituality

9. Citizenship

10. Health/physical well-being

What follows is a brief description of each of these domains as well as space for you to describe your
own values in that domain. Keep in mind, as you go through this, that values are not specific goals, but
general life directions. We’ll get to concrete goals later. If you find yourself writing down material things
that can be obtained such as an object, stop and rethink what it is we are asking for; that is, directions
that can always be made to manifest but that can never be fully obtained or finished.

As you work through this exercise, you may discover that certain domains are very important to you and
others are not. Some domains may be areas in which you are currently doing little. That’s to be
expected. It’s not as though you need to value each of these different areas of life to the same degree.
Different people have different values. A little later, we’ll help you rate these values for yourself. For the
moment, try to find a value that you hold in each domain. If there is an area for which you really can’t
think of anything, it’s okay to skip it.

It may also be difficult to distinguish sharp boundary lines in certain areas. For example, some people
have a hard time distinguishing between intimate relationships and family relations. Others may find it
difficult to mark the difference between leisure and social relations. Read the description of each
domain and try to keep the boundaries as clear as you can. If certain entries overlap, or you repeat a
value in more than one domain, that’s okay, but we encourage you not to overdo it.

Marriage/Couple/Intimate Relationship

For most people, intimate relationships are very important. This is the relationship you have with your
“significant other”: your spouse, lover, or partner. If you are not in such a relationship right now, you
can still answer these questions in terms of what you aspire to find in such a relationship. What kind of
person would you most like to be in the context of an intimate relationship? It might help to think about
specific actions you would like to take, and then use those to dig down to the underlying motives for

1|Page
such actions. What are those underlying motives? How do they reflect what you value in your
relationship? Do not put down goals (like “getting married”); there will be an opportunity for those later.

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Parenting

Think about what it means to you to be a mother or father. What would you like to be about in this role?
If you don’t have children, you can still answer this question. What do you want to be about in
supporting this role in others?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Family Relations (Other Than Intimate Relations and Parenting)

This domain is about family, not about your husband or wife or children, but about other areas of family
life. Think about what it means to be a son, daughter, aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent, or in-law. What
would you like to be about in your family relationships? You may think about this broadly or only in
terms of your nuclear family. What values would you like to see manifest in your life in this area?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

2|Page
____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Friendship/Social Relations

Friendships are another area of personal relations that most people value. What kind of friend would
you like to be? Think about your closest friends and see if you can connect with what you would like to
have manifest in your life regarding your friends.

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Career/Employment

Work and careers are important for most people because that area is where a great deal of your life is
spent. Whether your work is humble or grand, the question of values in work pertains. What kind of an
employee do you most want to be? What do you want to stand for in your work? What kind of a
difference do you want to make through your job?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Education/Training/Personal Growth and Development

3|Page
This area can cover all kinds of learning and personal development. School-based education is one. But
this area includes all the things you do to learn, as well. Working through this book could be an example.
What type of learner do you want to be? How would you like to engage with that area of your life?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Recreation/Leisure

Recreation, leisure, and relaxation are important to most of us. It is in those areas that we recharge our
batteries; the activities in this area are often where we connect with family and friends. Think about
what is meaningful to you about your hobbies, sports, avocations, play, vacations, and other forms of
recreation. In these areas, what would you like to have manifest in your life?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Spirituality

By spirituality, we don’t necessarily mean organized religion, although that could certainly be included in
this section. Spirituality includes everything that helps you feel connected to something larger than
yourself, to a sense of wonder and transcendence in life. It includes your faith, spiritual and religious
practices, and your connection with others in this domain. What do you most want to be about in this
area of your life?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

4|Page
____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Citizenship

How would you like to contribute to society and be a member of the community? What do you really
want to be about in social/political/charitable and community areas?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

Health/Physical Well-Being

We are physical beings, and taking care of our bodies and our health through diet, exercise, and sound
health practices is another important domain. What do you want to have revealed in your life in these
areas?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

5|Page
People often make the mistake of stating that they value something when, in fact, that chosen value has
been dictated by the desire of others. To test your values, look over the exercises above and ask yourself
the following question in regard to each of the values you wrote down: “If no one knew that I was
working on this, would I still do it?” If you find that you’ve written down statements that don’t “ring
true,” or are more a matter of “being a good boy or girl” than stating what is truly in your heart, go back
and edit what you wrote. This list is not for anyone else. It is for you.

6|Page
 Ranking Your Values
Look back over the work and distill each area to one key value (if you have several, you can pick the most
important one), and write a phrase to remind you of that key value in the space below. Now rate each area in two
ways. First, ask yourself how important this area is to you right now on a scale of 1 to 10, (1 = not at all important
and 10 =extremely important.) We aren’t asking if this area is important in your actual behavior; we are asking
what you would want if you could have your life be as you would want it to be. Then, rate each area according to
your actual current behavior. How well have you been currently living this value on a scale of 1 to 10? Finally,
subtract the score you got for your actual current behavior from the importance score above that to arrive at the
total of your “life deviation” score.

Domain Value Importance Manifestation Life

Deviation
Marriage/Couple/
Intimate Relationships

Education/Training/
Personal Growth

Parenting

Other Family Relations

Friendship/ Social
Relations

Recreation/Leisure

Spirituality

Citizenship

Career/Employment

Health/ Physical Well-

Being

7|Page
The number on the far right is probably the most important. The higher that number, the more your life
needs to change in this area to bring it in line with what you really care about. High numbers under the
Life Deviation column are a sign and source of suffering. You may want to highlight or circle those
numbers that show the largest gap between the importance of your values and their actual presence in
your life

8|Page