Habecker, 1

Corey Habecker 
Mrs. Rutan 
Creative Writing 
17 April 2019 
 

The Hole of Grief 

 
I’ve never been a big fan of being sad. Who would be? Not me.  
 
I resided in a deep, dark, hole for a chunk of my life, and I never learned to live it until I left that 
hole. Allow me to tell you the story of life in that hole. Let’s call it: 
The Hole of Grief.  
 
SHOCK 
 
I really couldn’t believe that this was happening, I mean really. honestly. Of all the things that 
could have happened to me, of all of the wonders of the world: I could have been born without 
an arm, been blind, OCD even.  
 
yeah it’s crazy, its shocking this way, 
surprise ladies and gents, corey is gay! 
 
Me and my siblings always knew things that we shouldn't have known. Caleb would be running 
around swearing and talking about how babies are made, and being a child around the age of 
about seven caught on quick, so now being sixteen nothing really comes as a surprise to me, 
but boy did being gay surprise me. Last year when everyone was learning about condoms and 
puberty, I laughed in unison, but for a different reason; the freshmans’ reactions were 
hilarious, I knew almost all of this. I should have been limited to the internet. 
 
DENIAL 
 
I remember clearly almost every day when I would wake up and sit at the end of my bed. I 
would stare at my wall and just hope. Hope was all I had at that moment. I would face about 
three years of going “Aw hell yeah, she’s hot” but there was nothing there that found me 
attracted to a girl, there was nothing, and I don’t accept it. I don’t want it, it’s not right, it can't 
be, it’s a phase.  
 
god, it’s one of those HOMO thoughts again! 
it’s not right, corey is NOT attracted to men.  
 
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My cheap N ​ ew Balance​ shoes planted on the rough turf: I felt empty. Running and exercising, 
doing bro things like seeing who could bench more; I was gonna fit in, be a straight football 
jock. The only thing that could amount to the barrel of toxic masculinity that was gonna 
overcome me was the fact that I was a full fledged raging homosexual.   
 
ANGER 
 
Now I was never that kid in middle school that was gonna cut themself then post pictures on 
snapchat for sympathy. I was never the one to cut myself at all, actually. It wasn’t even sad, it 
was angering, I wanted to scream. I wanted to end it all furiously, but I could never do it 
because I cared. That’s all that kept me from breathing this very moment that I’m writing this, 
and I thank God that I cared. Anywho, I got in a ton of fights in middle school. I would normally 
just snap on people. Steam would shoot out of my ears and my face would turn to a beet red; 
swearing was the first thing that came to mind, and that didn’t go over well with the principal. 
 
fight it, yell, scream and kick 
block it out, it's just a tick 
 
I could never tell anyone how I was feeling or how I was doing. I didn’t even have a best friend 
that I could secretly come out to. I had to bottle up all my feelings, and that hurt. I had been so 
angry and frustrated that I just wanted to give up. I wanted everyone and everything around 
me to just go away because nobody was helping me. Better yet, I wasn’t even helping myself. 
Caleb has always had anger issues, and what I wouldn’t give to be able to put a hole in the wall 
and it be justified. If I were granted just one moment where I could throw and break everything 
I could see. 
 
BARGAINING 
 
Surely I could meet halfway and just be bisexual. I could one day like girls and one day like 
boys, or I could just get married to a girl and just not like boys as much. Surely I could do tons of 
things. I could always repent for thy sins and hope and pray that one day I would wake up 
magically arising out of bed going “Oh wow this works!”. It was exciting to know that I could get 
out of a situation. 
 
he’d be the first to convert to straight 
a trade off won’t just seal your fate 
 
I would roam the halls of the Harper Creek Middle School, acting as straight as could be. Too 
bad toxic masculinity is what I’m most allergic to now as an openly gay kid. I distinctly 
remember all of the girls that would go “Oh yeah, Corey is gay” and brush me off as if I were a 
hair on their shoulder. I would brush them off the same, I was so obviously straight and they 
didn’t know what they were talking about. Actors usually drop the act once they go backstage, 
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but I was acting even when I was by myself. I was trying to sell a role to myself! Hilarious, 
right? 
 
 
DEPRESSION 
 
Who was I kidding? Straight? I wasn’t destined for happiness; I was destined for a life of hating 
myself. I would hide myself under my covers, tears streaming down my face like the Niagara 
Falls. My pillow was stained. Stained just like the heart that resided in little Corey. Stained with 
depression. 
 
it’s over now kid, happiness is dying 
you can cry, you can lie, just stop trying 
 
Walking through school with a fake smile on my face was so easy. I should be nominated for an 
Oscar. Reflecting back, it was almost like I was empty. I know, it’s so cliché, but I would laugh 
and talk with friends, but there was genuinely nothing to take from it. I would just go home, 
and question why it’s like this: Why did it have to be this way? Why me? I was meant for failure. 
This is who I am. A failure.  
 
ACCEPTANCE 
 
It was enough. I had enough. All of my life I had been keeping a deadly secret that was me being 
what w ​ asn’t accepted b​ y others. Eventually I knew that if I was not standing for ​something​, I 
was falling for​ everything​. After endless nights of just staring at my ceiling. I grabbed my 
weapon, and that was my phone. I would tell everyone that I was gay via text, did you really 
expect me to tell them in person?! 
 
they want some drama, they want a grand show,  
i’m coming out, i want the world to know 
 
The only bad response I had gotten to coming out was my bible thumping Christian cousins. 
Now don’t get me wrong, I do love me some Jesus, but really, cmon now! Anyways, they didn’t 
bother me, and they still dont. Now I am as happy and open as can be, and I’ve never been 
striving more. When I was in my darkest moments, I was on a crashing plane, and the only 
thing that didn’t send me head first into a coffin was hope. I held on, and I thank myself 
everyday that I waited it out, and that I was brave, and that I overcame, and I told myself that 
it really d
​ oesn’t m
​ atter what O​ THERS​ want as long as it’s what ​YOU​ want.  
 
And to my fellow readers out there wondering about the Hole of Grief, not only did I escape it,  
 
 
 
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I buried the hole.