PSYCHOPATHS

Because they suffer from incurable personality disorders, psychopaths repeat over and over the same
relationship cycle, no matter whom they’re dating or for how long. Relationships with them are always
castles–or, sometimes, marriages–built on sand. Today I’ll describe the entire process of psychopathic
seduction, from its seemingly ideal beginning to its invariably bitter end.

In their book on psychopaths in the workplace, entitled Snakes in Suits, Babiak and Hare state that the
psychopathic bond follows certain predictable stages: idealize, devalue and discard. This process may
take several years or only a few hours. It all depends on what the psychopath wants from you and
whether or not you present a challenge to him. If the psychopath wants the semblance of
respectability–a screen behind which he can hide his perverse nature and appear harmless and normal–
he may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he wants is to have some
fun, it will be over within a couple of hours. If he wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he
may stay with you for as long as you excite him. Despite the differences in timeline, what remains
constant is this: eventually, sooner or later, you’ll be discarded (or be led by the psychopath’s bad
behavior to discard him) as soon as you no longer serve his needs.

Babiak and Hare explain that although psychopaths are highly manipulative, the process of idealize,
devalue and discard is a natural outgrowth of their personalities. In other words, it’s not necessarily
calculated at every moment in the relationship. Overall, however, whether consciously or not,
psychopaths assess and drain the use-value out of their romantic partners. (Snakes in Suits, 42) During
the assessment phase, psychopaths interact closely with their targets to see what makes them tick. They
ask probing questions, to discover their unfulfilled needs and weaknesses. They also commonly lure
their targets with promises to offer them whatever’s been missing from their lives. If you’re recovering
from a recent divorce, they offer you friendship and an exciting new romantic relationship. If you’ve
suffered a death in the family, they appear to be sympathetic friends. If you’re going through financial
difficulties, they lend you money to seem generous.

During the manipulation phase, Babiak and Hare go on to explain, psychopaths construct the
“psychopathic fiction.” They pour on the charm to hook their victims emotionally and gain their trust.
They present themselves as kind-hearted individuals. Of course, in order to do so, psychopaths resort to
outrageous lies since, in reality, they’re just the opposite. In romantic relationships in particular, they
depict themselves as not only compatible with you, but also as your soul mate. While seeming your
complement, they also present themselves as your mirror image. They claim to share your interests and
sensibilities. Babiak and Hare observe: “This psychological bond capitalizes on your inner personality,
holding out the promise of greater depth and possibly intimacy, and offering a relationship that is
special, unique, equal–forever.” (Snakes in Suits, 78)

Because psychopaths are great manipulators and convincing liars, as we’ve seen, many of their victims
don’t heed the warning signals. During the early phases of a romantic relationship, people in general
tend to be too blinded by the euphoria of falling in love to focus on noticing red flags. Also, during this
period, the psychopaths themselves are on their best behavior. Yet, generally speaking, they get bored
too easily to be able to maintain their mask of sanity consistently for very long. The honeymoon phase
of the relationship usually lasts until the psychopath intuitively senses that he’s got you on the hook or
until he’s gotten bored by the relationship and moved on to other targets. He shows his true colors
when he’s got no incentive left to pretend anymore. As Babiak and Hare note, “Once psychopaths have
drained all the value from a victim—that is, when the victim is no longer useful—they abandon the
victim and move on to someone else.” (Snakes in Suits, 53)

This raises the question of why a psychopath idealizes his targets in the first place. Why do psychopaths
invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship,
given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? One obvious response
would be that they do it for the sport of it. They enjoy both the chase and the kill; the seduction and the
betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that they’re something they’re not. They also enjoy observing
how they dupe others into believing this fiction. Moreover, whenever a psychopath expresses
admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he wants something from that
person. I think, however, that this explanation is somewhat reductive. Many psychopaths experience
powerful obsessions that resemble intense passions. Besides, this explanation doesn’t distinguish
conmen, who fake their credentials and interest in a person, from psychopaths “in love,” who are
pursuing their targets for what initially seems even to them as “romantic” reasons.

A broader explanation, which would include both kinds of psychopaths, might look something like this:
as research confirms, all psychopaths suffer from a shallowness of emotion that makes their bonding
ephemeral and superficial, at best. When they want something–or someone–they pursue that goal with
all their might. They concentrate all of their energies upon it. When that goal is your money or a job or
something outside of yourself, their pursuit may appear somewhat fake. You’re a means to an end. You
were never idealized for yourself, but for something else. But when their goal is actually you–seducing
you or even marrying you–then their pursuit feels like an idealization. Temporarily, you represent the
object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the love of their life and the key to their happiness. But
this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s empty to the core. As we’ve observed, once
psychopaths feel they have you in their grasp—once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned
on them—they get bored with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We’ve also
seen in Cleckley’s study that the same logic applies to their other goals as well. Psychopaths tire rather
quickly of their jobs, their geographic location, their hobbies and their educational endeavors. But it
hurts so much more, and it feels so much more personal, when what they get tired of is you, yourself.

Their loss of interest appears as a devaluation. From the center of their life, you suddenly become just
an obstacle to their next pursuit. Since psychopaths are intuitively skilled at “dosing,” or giving you just
enough validation and attention to keep you on the hook, you may not immediately notice the
devaluation. It’s as if the psychopath intuitively knows when to be charming again (in order not to lose
you) and when to push your boundaries, further and lower. Your devaluation occurs gradually yet
steadily. One day you finally notice it and wonder how you have allowed yourself to sink so low.
Occasionally, he throws you a bone–takes you out, plans a romantic evening, says kind and loving
things—to lead you to dismiss your healthy intuitions that you’re being mistreated. If the psychopath
allows himself to treat you worse and worse it’s not only because you’re much less exciting in his eyes.
It’s also because he’s conditioned you to think less highly of yourself and to accept his dubious behavior.
Because you want to hold on to the fantasy of the ideal relationship he cultivated, you go into denial.
You accept his implausible excuses. You put up with your growing fears and doubts. You rationalize his
inexplicable absences, his increasingly frequent emotional withdrawals, his curt and icy replies, his petty
and mean-spirited ways of “punishing” you for asserting your needs or for not bending to his will.