16-125 Intervention #34—Manage Conflict: Dealing with Attack-Defend Softened Startup Purpose: We discovered that the way a conflict discussion starts determines a lot of what happens for the entire discussion. (We can predict what will happen to a relationship in the future from the first three minutes of the interaction.) In our research, the predictive role of softened or hard startup was played by women. Instructions: Review the concept of using softened startup with the couple, including, rules for softened startup and the summary of softened startup. Also review the examples of harsh and softened startups provided to you. Follow up with the exercise on softened startup. Explain that emotions that make you want to withdraw from the world—such as sadness and fear—also make you seem more vulnerable, and they may be easier for your partner to hear than the emotions associated with resentment. At times there may be a softer emotion behind your harder emotion. For example, behind your anger or resentment, there may be a hurt, a disappointment, or a fear (¢.g., insecurity). If you can rephrase your anger and resentment in terms of these more vulnerable emotions, sometimes they are casier for our partner to hear. For example, instead of saying, “It makes me mad when you don’t pay attention to me at parties,” you can see if it makes sense to you to say, “I get lonely (or insecure) when you don’t pay attention to me at parties.” Rules for Softened Startup We all use these skills. Softened startup is basically the way we treat guests—respectfully and courteously. Softened startup has six components: 1. Start the conversation gently—complain, but don’t blame. Complaining is okay, but criticizing is not. Criticizing is a statement—often ‘generalized, using words such as “always” and “never”—that attacks another person’s character, On the other hand, effective complaining looks like thi * DESCRIBE THE SITUATION NONJUDGMENTALLY. + EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT. * ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED. 2. Make statements that start with “I” instead of “you.” Psychologist Thomas Gordon noted that when statements start with the word “You” instead of the word “I,” they are usually more likely to be critical and to make your partner defensive. Instead of saying, “You are not listening to me,” just rephrase this as, “I would like it if you'd listen to me.” Don't cheat and form an “I” statement that is actually a “You” statement such as “I think you're mean.” ‘Copyright © 2000-2013 by Or. John M. Gottman and Or. Jule Schwartz Gottman Distributed under icense by The Gottman institute, ne.16-126 3. 5. 6. Describe what is happening; don’t evaluate or judge. Instead of accusing or blaming, just describe what you see happening nonjudgmentally. For example, instead of saying, “You don’t help clean up,” say, “For the last seven evenings, I've cleaned up the kitchen by myself.” ‘Talk clearly about WHAT YOU NEED IN POSITIVE TERMS. Say what you wish for or hope for, and/or what you want more of (versus what you don’t want). Instead of asking your partner to guess what you need, or to read your mind, express it explicitly. For example, instead of saying, “This dining room is a total mess,” say, “I'd appreciate it if you would clean your stuff off the dining room table.” Be polite. Make requests politely, adding such phrases as “please” and “I would appreciate it if...” Give appreciations. Noticing what our partners are doing right is always the best way to go. If your partner has, at some time, been better in this situation, then ask for what you need and couch it within an appreciation of what your partner did right in the past and how much you miss that now. Be Specific! and Don't Store Things Up! While being specific is a better idea than global crit good idea. storing things up is not a m, Summary: Softened Startup Rules = Complain, don’t blame, * Start sentence with “I” Instead of “you.” + Des be what is happening; don’t evaluate or judge. © Talk clearly and positively about whar you need (versus what you don’t need). * Be polite. * Give appreciations. Copyright © 2000-2013 by Dr. John M, Gottman and Dr. Jule Schwartz Gottman, Distrbuted under license by The Gottman Institut, Ine16-127 Examples of Harsh and Soft Startups Harsh Startup—Don’t Do it This Way: Partner 1: Partner 2: Partner 1 Partner 2: Partner 1: Partner 2: Partner 1: It’s Saturday and just look at this mess! Here I go—picking up after you again. Don’t you ever think of me and what | need? The trouble with you, Richard is that .. There you go again. The trouble with you Richard is, the trouble with you Richard is . . . Will you just shut up! For once! There's nothing wrong with me! What do you want from me anyway? Why do I always have to tell you what to do? Anyway, it’s too late. I am just about done with the cleanup, while you're too busy reading the paper to even notice. Will you ever get off my back? I hate cleaning up—you know I do, too, I’ve been thinking about us. That'll be the day. What could you possibly have been thinking about? I was thinking that we could use a vacation. One in which you were waited on hand and foot. Wouldn’t that be nice? David, we can’t afford a vacation, We can’t even afford a cleaning lady. You live in a fantasy world, David. Softened Startup—Instead, Do it This Way: Partner 1: Partner 2: Partner 1: Partner 2: Partner 1: Oh, look at this. This house is a mess. Remember, the Becks are coming over tonight. Is there any chance you could help out with cleaning up? 1 could really use some help. Maybe you could do the vacuuming? Yes, that’s about my favorite thing among the awful things to do. That and cleaning the bathrooms. I'll do the bathrooms, too. ‘You will? That'd be a big help. Thank you. When we're done, let’s reward ourselves by going out to lunch How about I rub your shoulders first? (Copyright ©2000-2013 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Jule Schwartz Gottman. (ietrouted under lcense by The Gottman intute Inc