~ [erat Feavié Fh.D 782-9855, The ¢ Relationship Cure A Five-Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Joan DeClaire a $§ vategetCopyright © 2001 fy ob, Gta. PhD ad an Dee stain pyri ©2001 by ule Sees Gortmen, PAB, ths reser Na arf so may eer or tur a oy ny mans, lear or mahi aig pati rao by ony formation "nea ee yr wou es wing fom te use ube re Res Pre New York Sey Yor Member ofthe Cow Pub Grp son of ano Hus, ‘www andro oe ‘REE RIVERS PRESS ie ygsterelwaemark and he The Res Pres ophan ‘remark Ran Ho, In einai ear by oun Pairs 2001 Prin nthe Unie Sutes of mera en by Ser Sis ee Det rary of Congres Cat Paitin Dat Cotman job Mord Th reaonicire vetplet ereceing wor marrige ntti Ja Gotan an Chie ".buerersal tion 2 Teper oman, 5. Sil racton specie Joa I Title yniostse "2002 rsq2-a2t “2001023115 san n.609.90955-9 mosresas sc pack tin Tomy wife, Jule: my daughter, Moriah; my sister, Bata and my friend and colleague Bob, " Turning toward them continues to be rewarding, as. Tomy pues, Olan Fane eC r fo cing 0 VD. oeo) Step Three: Examine Your Emotional Heritage art of my research on elatlonsips invlieseskngpecle tboutthe pastexperaces with emedons, How for emg Sid your pret et youtow tar ou were ove? “Ay athe aay ets tance ne woman ld me Even nis deathbed. Whea he was ving saiDad you never ld me tha yo ved tn Ant thattsalnost oe that’s theoe ng ws ha ead hea Budo yuna athe sal you do known yu eer there de walkout ht hop oom and sso a Me was gone freer and al coud el toward him was ange Wher tasked her how tis tet bad infenced het ie owe ta ‘moment forward she was clear tl my tds ey tht lave them Shesald nd tel my asbord at. 00. No mater whats pg Aleeys tind way do Trl hs tery beset strates the power that ur emotional he stage hs on ou arent elton. By ational erage Lime the stay we were ete inthe pst andthe wa S87 enmet ade ee Iincudes the way the peopl cove ous acted when hey mere angry. sal bayonet hey lho hey i. in ths chapel read about ster aspect of your emotional he lage evaluating how healt your current lationship, Thee ements incodecmotonal tose that ete lesen ou arn but tings ‘cil You lok no your amy emotonal philoso, c wha our family tt and beeved abut te expression of ent, A al, yu explore your enduring Vlnrailtes events or elaonhip opal that thy continue tbe a song lfuence on ou forthe esto ou step THAUE: EXAMINE YOUR EMOTIONAL WentrAGe 137 Your emotional heritage has a strong impact on your ability to connect emotionally. It affects your awareness of your own emotions, how You texprese them, and how you bid for connection It also colors your ability to ‘8 Interpret, and respond to other people's bids Justimagine being closefriends withthe woman in the story above. Ho» {important do you think t would be to let her know that you appreciate het? ‘Obviously, her past experience with her father makes the explicit expression of affection very valuable coher. And the better that people around het ‘understand this, the stronger ther emotional connection to her wil be. ‘As we learned in previous chapters. individual people often feel and react differently in similar situations. Thelr emotional heritages one factor {hat contributes to those diferences. And unless we'e aware of those dif. ferences, they can interfere with our ability to connect ‘We can begin by imagining arriving at work one morning to find this, message from your boss: “Please see me at nine as Something has come up that we need yo dscass.” What woold be your first reaction? Fear? Excitement? Anger? ‘Amusement? Your answer probably depends on many things —yourob per- formance, fr example. Or the ways you've seen your boss handle crises in the past. Butt’ also likely to be alected by your emotional heritage—that 1s by the way your personal history influences your current way of dealing with emotional stations I yout lke Jim, fr example. you might fel stunned and anions. fim was raised by a harsh father whose behavior was hard predict. One day the man would be totally supportive, heaping praise on him for all the chores be had dane around the house. But the next day he dberate and pun. ur jim fr the smallest infractlon—the muddy shoes he'd left by the back. door or the ple of leaves he'd raked but forgotten to bag. Consequently im spent much of his childhood feoing asi something bad could happen at ‘any minute and there was nothing he could do about it. Those feelings car- ‘ed over into adulthood, and whenever something unexpected happened at ‘work, Jim’ first responce was fear and defensiveness. What had he done ‘wrong this time? How was he going tobe made to pay? Usa, on the other hand, would respond tothe boss's message asthe Jolt, of energy she'd been craving. The oldest of ive kids in a family with a high sense of adventure, is loved an emergency. "You're always so respons- be,” she'd been told throughout childhood. Whether she wasrescuingasb- ling from some mishap, or organizing the gang fora camping trp. she heard the same message over and over: “We know we can depend on you.” So whenever a cess arose at work, she intrinsically believed it could be one ‘more chance to fee! good about hese Ifthe boss needed to met with her right away. she guessed It was for good reasn: He probably needed to bref baer about a peoblem only she could handle