Just Go With It 6.17.10 PDF

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JUST GO WITH IT
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THE OFFICE WIFE
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HOLIDAY IN HAWAII
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Original draft
by
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ER
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ALLAN LOEB
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EN
/S
N
a
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Revisions by
TIM DOWLING
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Current Draft by
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TIM HERLIHY
&
ADAM SANDLER
Pa
COLUMBIA PICTURES 3RD WHITE SHOOTING DRAFT 2/18/10

HAPPY MADISON BLUE REVISED PAGES 2/25/10
PINK REVISED PAGES 3/3/10
YELLOW REVISED PAGES 3/12/10
GREEN REVISED PAGES 5/3/10
OPEN ON:
1 EXT. SUBURBAN TEMPLE - MORNING (1990) 1 *
Establishing shot of people filing into a suburban temple for *
a wedding. *
2 OMIT 2 *
3 INT. BRIDAL ROOM - DAY (CONTINUOUS) 3
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A bride (VERUCA) is fixing her hair and make-up with the help
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of her five BRIDESMAIDS.
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BLONDE BRIDESMAID *
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I’m so happy you picked this dress, *
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Veruca. *
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REDHEAD BRIDESMAID *
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You look beautiful. *
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One of the bridesmaids, RACHEL, who has a huge nose and *
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frizzy hair, pipes up.

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RACHEL *
Doesn’t she? She looks just like *
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Betty Grable! *
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The other girls look at each other for a beat. *

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VERUCA *
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You guys, I’m getting married. I’m *

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getting married! *
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The Bridesmaids squeal with excitement. Then... *

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RACHEL *
Not without your veil you’re not! *
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Where is that bad boy? *

VERUCA
Oh, I think I left it upstairs. *
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RACHEL
(jumps up) *
Don’t worry, I’ll get it.... sis. *
Rachel runs out of the room and skips down the hallway.
When the sound of skipping fades away, the Bridesmaids and
Veruca begin to talk softly.
BLONDE BRIDESMAID
She is so annoying. *
VERUCA *
I know... And she’s going to be my *
sister-in-law in an hour.
(CONTINUED)
2.
3 CONTINUED: 3
BRUNETTE BRIDESMAID
How are you going to deal with *
that? *
VERUCA
I’m just going to lay down the law *
with Danny: we’re seeing his goofy *
family as little as possible.
REDHEAD BRIDESMAID *
You sure he’s gonna go along with *
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that? *
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VERUCA *
Danny doesn’t say “no” to me. *
Believe me, I have him well *
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trained. *
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CUT TO:
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4 INT. TEMPLE BASEMENT HALLWAY - DAY 4
dr
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Reveal the groom, DANNY MACCABEE (24), frozen outside the
bathroom, listening. He has a huge nose and frizzy hair.
*
*
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CUT BACK TO:

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5 INT. BRIDAL ROOM - DAY 5

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Veruca and the bridesmaids.

/S
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REDHEAD BRIDESMAID
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So.. how’d it go with Derek last

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night?
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VERUCA
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Shhhh!
(speaking even lower)
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I told him if he wanted to stop the

wedding, he had to speak now or
forever hold his peace.
BRUNETTE BRIDESMAID
Pa
What’d he say?
VERUCA
He said he’s never gonna settle
down, and I should go ahead and
marry Danny.
BLONDE BRIDESMAID
Did he give you a “wedding
present”?
VERUCA
Uh... I guess you could call it
that. *
(CONTINUED)
3.
5 CONTINUED: 5
The Bridesmaids all squeal.
A6 INT. SUBURBAN TEMPLE - BASEMENT (CONTINUOUS) A6 *
Danny is still eavesdropping, wide-eyed. *
B6 INT. BRIDAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS B6 *
Veruca shushes the squealing Bridesmaids. *
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VERUCA
Shhh! It’s the last time, I swear! *
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Danny is so sweet, and considerate.
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And he’s going to be a
cardiologist. So I’m marrying *
him...
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Long pause as she checks out her makeup in the mirror,
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then...
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VERUCA (CONT’D)
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...and that zucchini in the middle
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of his face.
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The Bridesmaids squeal again. This time Veruca joins them. *

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CUT TO:
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6 INT. SUBURBAN TEMPLE - BASEMENT (CONTINUOUS) 6

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Danny, tears running down his cheeks. *

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FADE TO:
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7 INT. SUBURBAN TEMPLE - VESTIBULE - DAY 7

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Danny is standing with his younger cousin EDDIE (also frizzy *

hair, but with a part and loads of acne). Guests continue to *
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file in behind them. *

EDDIE
A zucchini? Come on! That’s
Pa
just...Maybe an eggplant...
Danny nods.
DANNY
(looking toward main hall
of the temple)
I... I can’t even go in there.
EDDIE
Go get drunk, cuz. I’ll tell your *
parents you’re not going through *
with it. *
(CONTINUED)
PINK REVISED PAGES - 3/3/10 4.
7 CONTINUED: 7
WE SEE MR. AND MRS. MACCABEE (gigantic noses, frizzy hair) on
the opposite side of the vestibule, greeting guests.
Danny nods and walks toward the door. We hear a voice-over.
DANNY (V.O.)
Awwwww... What a sad man. That was
me, 20 years ago. Pathetic, huh?
8 INT. BAR (1990) - DAY 8
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Danny is alone at the closest bar, still in his tux. It’s
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packed, but he doesn’t even notice. He’s fingering the
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wedding ring that’s on his ring finger.
DANNY (V.O.)
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I was halfway done with my first
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beer when something very
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interesting happened...
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An incredibly hot lady, JOANNA DAMON, is walking towards the
dr *
bar. While walking ten feet, she gets hit on by three GUYS.
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JOANNA *
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Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost

my phone number. Can I borrow
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yours?
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PUERTO RICAN GUY

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Baby, I’m no Fred Flintstone, but I

/S
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can make your Bedrock!

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She takes a seat on the bar stool next to Danny. As she

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sits, her purse falls on the ground. Danny bends and picks
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it up.
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DANNY
Ma’am, you--
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JOANNA *
(cutting him off, pissed)
Can I just sit here for two seconds
without being hit on?
Pa
She sees his wedding ring. Her whole demeanor changes.

JOANNA (CONT’D) *
Oh. I thought you were--
DANNY
Just wanted to give you back your
purse.
JOANNA *
(taking)
Sorry I’m so jumpy, it’s just... I
bet you didn’t meet the lady who
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
8 CONTINUED: 8
JOANNA (CONT'D)
gave you that ring in a meat market
like this.
DANNY
(sad, sips his drink)
School cafeteria. I took her
Jello, she took my heart.
JOANNA *
Awww, that is so sweet! How long
have you been married?
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He turns to tell her, but is struck for the first time by how
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beautiful she is. As he stares at her, hesitating...
DANNY (V.O.)
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I was gonna tell her, I really was.
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But she was so pretty, and I didn’t
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want her to know what a loser I
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was. So, I stretched the truth a
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little...
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DANNY
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I’ve been married for six years. High
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school sweetheart. Married right out of

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college. We did it on the beach in

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Hawaii. By a waterfall. Under a

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rainbow. Wrote our own vows. Mine took

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5 minutes. I just had so much to say.

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So much love to describe. She’s just...

/S
she’s my world.
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Joanna looks dazed, and a little teary-eyed. *

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JOANNA *
Wow. Why can’t I have that?
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Sometimes, even in a place like

this, I feel so alone...
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(gently touches his

wedding ring)
Tell me: why are all the good ones
married?
Pa
Danny nervously takes a drink.

DANNY (V.O.)
Okay, so this was going in a weird
direction. But once you start a
lie, it’s hard to stop...
JOANNA *
So where is your wife tonight?
DANNY
Oh, she’s out...
(CONTINUED)
8 CONTINUED: 8
JOANNA *
With who?
DANNY
That’s a good question. I stopped
asking it years ago. It’s better
that way.
JOANNA *
That’s...terrible.
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DANNY
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No, it’s my fault really, for having
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such frizzy hair, and such an ugly
nose.
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JOANNA *
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I think you have a cute nose.
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DANNY
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Really? Thanks. My wife says I spend
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too much time at work. Too much time
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providing for her... And her shopping
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addiction... and crack.
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JOANNA *
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Why don’t you just leave her?

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DANNY
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The kids. We put on a good face for

/S
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them. But I can’t say I’m not

a
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lonely.
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JOANNA *
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You poor guy...

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They look at each other, stare into each other’s eyes. A

spark. A connection.
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JOANNA (CONT’D) *
Wanna get out of here?
DANNY
Pa
Yes.
Joanna grabs Danny’s beringed hand. As they leave the bar, *
we hear his voiceover.
DANNY (V.O.)
And so, I discovered the power of
the wedding ring. The symbol of my
humiliation had become a tool to
get back on the horse - and get
back on the horse I did...
BLUE REVISED PAGES - 2/25/10 7.
9 INT. DIFFERENT BAR (1991) - NIGHT 9 *

Danny’s in a different bar, more casually dressed, talking
intensely to a REDHEAD.
DANNY (V.O.)
Every single guy’s got an angle,
and this has become mine. It
involves a little deception, but
what pick-up line doesn’t?
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Danny is finishing up his story, a little teary-eyed.
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DANNY
...and you know what hurt the most:
it was the same motel we went to on
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our honeymoon.
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REDHEAD
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You poor man.
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DANNY dr
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I’m trying to stay strong. Shot?
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She nods. Danny orders two shots.

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DANNY (V.O.) (CONT’D)

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I used the ring successfully during

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my remaining years in medical

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school...
/S
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10 EXT. ROOFTOP BAR (1992) - NIGHT 10 *

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Danny is sitting with a BLONDE. His nose is half it’s

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original size.
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DANNY (V.O.)
...after I decided to forget about *
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cardiology and apply for a *

residency in plastic surgery... *
The Blonde touches Danny’s cheek sympathetically.
Pa
BLONDE
I can’t believe she did that! With
your own brother!
DANNY
It’s not her fault: she was drunk.
You see, there’s three of us in
this marriage: me, her and Jack
Daniels... and my brother. I guess
that’s four. That I know of. Oh
my God I’m in such pain.
Danny and the Blonde make out.
11 INT. BRITISH HOSPITAL (1995) - NIGHT 11

Danny, in scrubs, is talking to a hot BRITISH NURSE in a bar.
DANNY (V.O.)
I used it overseas, too, during my
residency at a hospital in
London...
DANNY
She says I spend too much time
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doing pro bono work on the weekends
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operating on horribly disfigured
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children.
BRITISH CHICK
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How could she complain about that?
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DANNY
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Guess she’d rather have me home
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fixing the shower than fixing some
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poor Chinese kid’s ears...
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The British Nurse pulls him into a broom closet.
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12 INT. SUSHI BAR (2001) - NIGHT 12

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Danny is trying to communicate with a hot JAPANESE girl.

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DANNY (V.O.)
/S
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...and when I was doing research in

a
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Tokyo...
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Danny points to his wedding ring, does the sex hand gesture
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then holds up a picture of Tiger Woods. The Japanese Girl

coos sympathetically.
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13,14 OMIT 13,14

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A14 INT. SPORTS BAR (2005) - NIGHT A14 *

Danny is talking to a college age girl 20 years his junior.
Pa
DANNY (V.O.)
The younger girls loved it the
most. I guess it’s cause guys
their own age are afraid to commit,
and a wedding ring is the ultimate
symbol of commitment.
DANNY
She told me she would quit hooking
after we got married, and I was so
crazy in love that I believed her.
(CONTINUED)
A14 CONTINUED: A14
COLLEGE GIRL
You’re the sweetest guy I ever
met...
She takes Danny’s ring hand and puts it on her chest, then
nods her head “yes”.
A15 INT. UPSCALE BAR (2010) - NIGHT A15 *
Danny is talking to a smoking BRUNETTE.
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DANNY (V.O.)
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Why would women want to date a
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married man? I have some theories:
People want what they can’t have.
...There don’t have to be any
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strings attached...and nobody gets
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hurt.
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DANNY
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She beats me.
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The Brunette hugs him.
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16 INT. GIRL’S HOUSE (2010) - BEDROOM - DAY 16 *

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Danny is quietly collecting his clothes. The Brunette is

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sleeping contentedly his bed.

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DANNY (V.O.)
/S
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Sometimes I think about throwing

a
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the ring into the ocean. I know

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how wrong it is.

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ANGLE ON the ring, on Danny’s finger. He eyes it.

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DANNY (V.O.)
But I can’t. It’s my
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preeeeeeecious. And besides -

being fake-married is a perfect way
to make sure no one gets their
heart broken.
Pa
As Danny leaves the room, we see there’s a note on the pillow

next to the brunette: “Thanks for making me feel special
again - even if it was just for one night.”
17 INT. BEVERLY HILLS OFFICE BUILDING - AFTERNOON 17
We see a woman, KATHERINE MURPHY, a restrained beauty, late
30s. Hair worn up, in clothes a little big, hiding a body
that could stop traffic. On the desk are pictures of her with
TWO CUTE KIDS. She is talking to a DELIVERY GUY who has with
him several big boxes. One is open.
KATHERINE
What are these?
(CONTINUED)
17 CONTINUED: 17
DELIVERY MAN
(accent)
...Booby bags that woman stick in
their flatties to make them big.
KATHERINE
Yes. But these aren’t the booby bags I
ordered. You see, these...
(feels the implants).
...feel nothing like these
(feels her own boobs)
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Our clients want their breasts to
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feel like breasts, not balloons
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filled with air and maple syrup.
The Delivery Man feels the implant, then reaches for her
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breast. She stops him with a look. Danny strolls in. He
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pauses to watch.
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DELIVERY MAN
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Just trying to learn.
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KATHERINE
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Dr. Maccabee would never accept sub
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par booby bags. Take them back. Get

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me what we ordered and tell Omar I

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want a discount for the

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inconvenience.
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DELIVERY MAN
/S
Yes, ma’am.
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a
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The delivery man carts away the boxes of sub par booby bags
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with his tail between his legs. Danny watches all of this
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with a smile and then walks in.

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DANNY
Good afternoon, Katherine. *
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KATHERINE
Afternoon, Danny. How did your *
surgeries go this morning? *
Pa
DANNY *
I took enough fat out of Mrs. *
Larson’s legs to make another Mr. *
Larson. *
KATHERINE *
Sorry I missed that. How is your *
back feeling? *
DANNY
Killing me. How did you know?
Katherine starts rooting around in her desk for something.
(CONTINUED)
BLUE REVISED PAGES - 2/25/10 10A.
17 CONTINUED: 17
KATHERINE
You played racquetball with Dr.
Lamansoff last night, right?
You’re in your forties now, pal.
You have to stretch, before and
after any strenuous activity.
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(CONTINUED)
17 CONTINUED: 17
DANNY
Stretching is boring... like this
conversation... and your shirt.
Danny laughs.
KATHERINE
Oh, you’re happy. You made a
funny. Here, take these.
Danny takes the pills and tosses them in his mouth without
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even looking at them.
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DANNY
Any calls?
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KATHERINE
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Your mom. She loved the necklace
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that “you” sent for her birthday.
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DANNY dr
That was very thoughtful of me.
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KATHERINE
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Yes, she appreciated that “you” put

a lot of effort into finding
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something that would match that

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dress “you” gave her last year.

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DANNY
/S
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Sounds like “I” am a great “son”. I

a
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just wish she’d let me fix her

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nose.
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KATHERINE
Her nose is beautiful the way it
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is. Some people are okay with what

God gave them.
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DANNY
Shhhhh! That kind of talk is no
good for my...
(sing-song)
Pa
...beezness. Is my 4:00 here yet? *

KATHERINE
(hands him a chart)
Exam Room One. Kirsten Brant. *
18 INT. DR. MACCABEE’S OFFICE - DAY 18
CUT TO: KIRSTEN BRANT, a forty-ish woman. One of her
eyebrows is way higher than the other, giving her a
permanently quizzical look.
(CONTINUED)
12.
18 CONTINUED: 18
KIRSTEN
I’ve had some bad plastic surgery.
I should have known this doctor was
a quack: his office was in a kind
of a warehouse.
DANNY
I see.
(looks up at her eyebrow)
Question?
L
KIRSTEN
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No, just please help me doctor.
A
DANNY
Well, certainly, it’s harder to fix
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these things than to do them right
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the first time, but...
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You seem dubious.
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Katherine is trying not to laugh. dr
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KIRSTEN
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What? No, not at all. I hear you’re

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the best, Doctor Maccabee.

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DANNY
D
Well, I don’t know about that, but

EN
I think I can do something to help

/S
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you.
a
ER

Does that surprise you, Ms. Brant?
D
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Katherine lets half a laugh escape. Kirsten looks at her.

C
KATHERINE
I am so sorry.
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KIRSTEN
Sorry about what?
Kirsten actually does “raise an eyebrow”. It is now crazily
Pa
high, almost touching her hairline.

KATHERINE
Whoa! That’s getting up there.
DANNY
Yeah, take it easy, Ms. Brant, or *
that sucker’s likely to fly right
off your head.
Kirsten laughs, breaking the tension.
(CONTINUED)
18 CONTINUED: 18
KIRSTEN
Maybe I should keep it this way.
It seems to make other people
happy.
KATHERINE
Think about it. You could play Mr.
Spock in the next “Star Trek”
movie.
They all laugh. Danny starts walking her out.
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ig
19 INT. DR MACCABEE’S OFFICE - WAITING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 19
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They walk out into the waiting room.
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DANNY
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When can we do this, Katherine?
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KATHERINE
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Thurday the 28th, 2pm.dr
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DANNY
Great. We’ll raise the other one
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just as high. You’ll always look

scared.
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ER
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Kirsten looks upset.

D
EN
DANNY (CONT’D)
/S
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Just kidding. We’re gonna make you

a
ER
look great.
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Kirsten laughs. Eddie, Danny’s cousin, all grown up, enters

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the waiting room.

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EDDIE
Whoa, eyebrows gone wild, loving
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it. We should hang out sometime.

KIRSTEN
Thanks, but I’m kind of seeing
somebody.
Pa
EDDIE
Well, I bet that “somebody” isn’t
carrying around the kind of lethal
weapon I’m packing.
(sing-song)
Huge-ness.
Kirsten gives Danny a “who is this clown?” look.
DANNY
It’s true, it’s a good one. I
should know, I’m the one who huge- *
ified it. *
(CONTINUED)
19 CONTINUED: 19
KIRSTEN
You had a penile enlargement? That *
is hilarious. See you on the 28th,
Dr. Maccabee.
Kirsten exits. Eddie turns to Danny, annoyed.
EDDIE
Why do you gotta tell everybody
about my surgery?
(motioning towards
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Katherine)
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I’m trying to keep that on the down-
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low.
DANNY
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Katherine knows everything that
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goes on in this office.
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KATHERINE
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I’m the one who held the fat the *
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doctor took out of your... *
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(briefly shielding mouth *
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with hand, lowering *
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voice) *
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...ass before he injected it in *

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your... *
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(shielding, lowering voice *

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again) *
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...dick. *
/S
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DANNY
Speaking of which: have you had a
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chance to try out Fatty McGee? *

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EDDIE
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Hell yeah, lots of times.

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Danny and Katherine just stare at him.

EDDIE (CONT’D)
Oh, you mean with someone else?
Hell, no. It’s frustrating, man.
Pa
I’m starting to think that whole

operation was a big waste...
Danny throws his arm around Eddie.
DANNY
You just gotta get the ball
rolling, cuz. Start establishing a
reputation. Isn’t that right,
Katherine?
KATHERINE
(unconvincing)
Yep. Once the legend of Eddie hits
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
19 CONTINUED: 19
KATHERINE (CONT'D)
the grapevine, all the ladies are
gonna want a piece of you.
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(CONTINUED)
YELLOW REVISED PAGES - 3/12/10 15.
19 CONTINUED: 19
DANNY
(pulling Eddie close)
And I think... the legend starts
tonight.
Danny and Eddie start head out. Katherine hands Danny his
phone.
KATHERINE
I plugged directions to the BBQ
into your phone.
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DANNY
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Muchas gracias.
KATHERINE
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Have fun hitting on 17 year olds.
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DANNY
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Have fun sitting at home watching
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fat people makeover shows and
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trying to remember what sex is
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like.
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KATHERINE
AM
You know it.

N
ER
FI
20 INT. BEAUTIFUL MALIBU BEACH HOUSE- SUNSET 20 *

D
EN
As the sun sets over the water we see a raging party in the
/S
N
backyard of a Malibu beach house. The RICH and PRETTY drink,

a
ER
mingle. Danny and Eddie walk in. The host, ADON, who clearly
D
has had much work done greets him with a hug. Adon pets his
O
EA
beautiful bulldog, BABU.

ci
R
ADON
C
(can barely move his face)

Danny, so happy you can be here.
tri
DANNY
Wouldn’t miss it. This is my cousin
Eddie.
(they shake hands)
Pa
How’s the feeling in your face?

ADON
Dead from the nose up.
Adon makes a weird noise that we can only assume is a laugh
but his face can’t fully move to make it.
ADON (CONT’D)
(to Eddie)
I tried to go to your cousin here.
He refused to do any more work on
me. Said I was “overdoing it”.
(CONTINUED)
20 CONTINUED: 20
Adon does his weird “laugh” again, then takes a sip of
champagne. It all runs down his face.
EDDIE
No, no, it looks good. Totally
natural.
ADON’S WIFE runs over.
ADON’S WIFE
Adon! Ariel cut open his knee! It
L
looks awful.
ig
A
DANNY
(to Eddie)
Get my bag out of the car, will ya?
TI
nd
(to Adon’s Wife)
ge
Shari, relax. Where is he?
od
EN
D
CUT TO:
ew
21-22 OMIT dr 21-22
An
A23 INT. ADON’S BATHROOM - NIGHTKe A23 *

E:
D
AM
A 12-year-old boy, ARIEL, is sitting on the edge of the tub. *

N
He’s wearing boarding shorts, which reveal a big slice on his

ER
FI
knee.
D
EN
Danny is scrubbing his hands in the sink. He takes off his

/S
N
fake wedding ring and puts it in his pocket.

a
ER
D
DANNY
O
EA
So you just tripped on the steps?

ci
R
ARIEL
C
Yeah.
tri
DANNY
Was there something on the steps,
like a roller skate or something?
ARIEL
Pa
No.
Danny prepares a needle of anesthetic.
DANNY
So you’re just uncoordinated?
ARIEL
No! I was distracted by something.
DANNY
What kind of something?
(CONTINUED)
A23 CONTINUED: A23
ARIEL
A girl.
DANNY
(smiling)
A-ha. Now I’m getting the real
story. You’re gonna feel a slight
pinch.
Danny hits him with the needle. Ariel grimaces.
L
DANNY (CONT’D)
ig
Good man. Let me know when your
A
knee feels numb. So, this girl:
blonde, brunette, redhead?
TI
nd
ARIEL
ge
Blonde. Tan. Tall. Rocking body.
od
EN
D
DANNY
ew
Do you want to be alone in here for *
a few minutes? dr *
An
Ariel laughs. Ke
E:
D
AM
FADE TO:
N
ER
FI
B23 INT. ADON’S HOUSE - NIGHT B23 *

D
EN
Danny and Ariel walk out of the bathroom. Ariel’s knee is

/S
N
bandaged up and he has a slight limp, but otherwise, he’s

a
ER
none the worse for wear.

D
O
EA
Adon, his wife and some other concerned folks are waiting
ci
R
outside the bathroom. They cheer when Danny and Ariel walk
out. Adon and his wife immediately embrace Ariel.
C
ADON
tri
Thank you, Danny.

DANNY
He’s fine. Stop by in a couple of
weeks and I’ll take the stitches
Pa
out.
ADON
While I’m there, do you think you
we could talk about calf implants?
DANNY
You gotta stop, Adon...
A beautiful, tall blonde woman walks up to Danny. This is
PALMER DODGE, 24. She is the perfect combination of hot and
girl next door. And we sense she has more going on than the
normal girl we have seen Danny with.
(CONTINUED)
B23 CONTINUED: B23
PALMER
Good job, Doctor. That was really
nice.
DANNY
Well, well, well. You must be The
Distraction.
PALMER
The what?
L
DANNY
ig
The boy fell because he was
A
distracted by you.
PALMER
TI
nd
So I’m taking the rap for this?
ge
od
DANNY
EN
D
Your hotness practically pushed him
ew
down the steps.
dr
An
Ke
PALMER
Good luck proving that in court,
E:
D
Wisengruber.
AM
N
DANNY
ER
FI
“Wisengruber”? That what they’re

D
saying on the Gossip Girl?

EN
/S
N
PALMER
a
ER
No, that’s an expression we use

D
back in North Carolina. It’s an

O
EA
inch away from being a curse word.

ci
R
DANNY *
C
I’m gonna use that. Well, *

stitching up wounded knees makes me *
tri
hungry, so I’m gonna go check out *

the buffet table. Wanna come? *
PALMER *
Actually, I’m not that hungry. I *
Pa
hit Taco Bell pretty hard on the *

drive over here. *
DANNY *
It’s tough to believe a girl who *
looks like you can pack away the *
tacos. *
PALMER *
Well, I was gonna go throw them up, *
but you and the kid were hogging *
the bathroom. *
(a beat) *
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
YELLOW REVISED PAGES - 3/12/10 18A.
B23 CONTINUED: B23
PALMER (CONT'D)
Just kidding. Let’s go see if they *
have any mini-burgers... *
As Palmer follows Danny out of the room...
ADON
I knew you two would find each
other eventually. But watch it,
Palmer - these plastic surgeons
really know how to operate.
L
Adon does his crazy laugh.
ig
A
TI
nd
ge
od
EN
D
ew
dr
An
Ke
E:
D
AM
N
ER
FI
D
EN
/S
N
a
ER
D
O
EA
ci
R
C
tri
Pa
(CONTINUED)
B23 CONTINUED: B23
PALMER
So you’re a plastic surgeon. Are
you responsible for Adon’s face?
DANNY
No, I’ve been trying to fix it.
PALMER
Keep trying.
They laugh. Adon tries to sip his coffee through a straw.
L
ig
23 EXT. ADON’S HOUSE - POOL - NIGHT 23
A
Palmer and Danny are walking and talking and eating mini- *
burgers. *
TI
nd
ge
PALMER
od
I don’t know about plastic surgery.
EN
D
I just think that people should stay
ew
the way they are. dr
An
Ke
DANNY
Yeah, but if it makes them feel better
E:
D
AM
about themselves... You’re young and

beautiful. They all feel inadequate
N
when they see someone like you.

ER
FI
D
PALMER
EN
That’s sweet. But doesn’t plastic

/S
N
surgery always looks so fake?

a
ER
D
DANNY
O
EA
It doesn’t always look fake. Not

ci
R
when I’m in charge. There are a

lot of my patients here tonight. I
C
bet you can’t tell which ones I

worked on.
tri
PALMER
(smiles)
Okay. You’re on. How about her?
Pa
DANNY
Who? That women who looks like the
scary clown from “Saw”?
We see a SCARY LOOKING WOMAN WITH HER FACE PULLED BACK AS
TIGHT AS IT CAN GO.
DANNY (CONT’D)
I believe that is the work of a
chimpanzee.
PALMER
How about Nemo over there?
(CONTINUED)
YELLOW REVISED PAGES - 3/12/10 19A.
23 CONTINUED: 23
We see a WOMAN WITH CRAZY FISH LIPS
L
ig
A
TI
nd
ge
od
EN
D
ew
dr
An
Ke
E:
D
AM
N
ER
FI
D
EN
/S
N
a
ER
D
O
EA
ci
R
C
tri
Pa
(CONTINUED)
20.
23 CONTINUED: 23
DANNY
I do the best lips on the West
Coast - I think Mrs. Pauls did
those.
PALMER
The lady with the huge forehead?
We see a WOMAN WITH A HUGE FOREHEAD.
DANNY
L
That’s just a lady with a big
ig
forehead. You’re so mean, you
A
should be ashamed. You’re really *
being a wisengruber tonight. *
TI
nd
They keep laughing and drinking. They are both falling. *
ge
od
24 EXT. BEACH - NIGHT 24
EN
D
ew
Danny and Palmer now walk on the beach down below Adon’s.
dr
She’s wearing his jacket. They are still talking.
An
Ke
DANNY
E:
D
AM
So when did you move out here?

N
PALMER
ER
FI
I’ve been here almost two years.

D
EN
DANNY
/S
N
That’s a lot of auditions.

a
ER
D
PALMER
O
EA
What, you think I’m an actress?

ci
R
Guess again, Doc.

C
DANNY
Not an actress? What else do hot
tri
chicks from North Carolina move out *

here to be?
PALMER
I teach sixth grade math.
Pa
DANNY
Really? They don’t got no schools
in North Carolina? *
PALMER
Well, maybe I did want to be an
actress, at first. But when I got
here... See, my parents divorced *
when I was in eighth grade. And I *
have five little brothers who I *
ended up take care of alot. And I *
missed that. *
(CONTINUED)
21.
24 CONTINUED: 24
DANNY
Man, all the boys must have insane
crushes on you.
PALMER
Oh yeah, I have fun toying with the
emotions of innocent kids much *
younger than me. Do you? *
DANNY
Actually, I’ve never hung out with *
L
a girl your age before.
ig
A
PALMER
Oh no, your first lie to me...
TI
nd
DANNY
ge
How about this: I’ve never felt the
od
way I’m feeling with a girl your
EN
D
age before... actually, no girl of
ew
any age.
dr
An
PALMER
Ke
See, I can tell when you’re lying
E:
D
and when you’re telling the truth.

AM
N
DANNY
ER
FI
Well, that second thing was the

D
truth.
EN
/S
N
PALMER
a
ER
I know.
D
O
EA
She kisses him.

ci
R
The kiss starts to get more and more passionate. They start
C
moving down towards the ground.

tri
25 EXT. BEACH - THE SUN IS RISING 25

They lie on the beach, spent in each others arms. Clothes
scattered everywhere. Both are floored at how good that was.
Pa
PALMER
Just so you know, I don’t normally
do that. In fact, I’ve never done
that in my life.
DANNY
Well, I have. And this is the part
where I usually make some excuse to
awkwardly collect my clothes and
get going. But the weird thing is
I don’t want to get going. I wanna
stay with you all day, and then do *
this again. Maybe in a bed, even.
(CONTINUED)
22.
25 CONTINUED: 25
She laughs. Then looks at him seriously
PALMER
Yeah, this feels like it could be,
um... kind of... a real... thing.
DANNY
Yeah, this is a thing all right.
PALMER
It’s got that thing feeling.
L
ig
DANNY
A
For sure. We got a thing on our *
hands.
TI
nd
She smiles at him and gets up. She’s wearing his shirt. She
ge
looks at the time.
od
EN
D
PALMER
ew
I have to get to work. You should
dr *
give me your number. Take me out on a
An
Ke
proper date next time.
E:
D
AM
DANNY
I’d love to.
N
ER
FI
As she goes through their pile of clothes.

D
EN
DANNY (CONT’D)
/S
N
I should have a card in the pocket

a
ER
of my pants.
D
O
EA
Palmer smiles and starts to go through his pocket. Then she

ci
R
finds something and makes a face. She pulls out his RING. She
makes a face. Suddenly all the happy bliss is gone.
C
PALMER
tri
What’s this?
DANNY
(unsure)
A circle?
Pa
PALMER
A wedding ring?! YOU’RE MARRIED!!!
Danny doesn’t know what to say. Then quickly...
DANNY
No, no, no, no, no, I’m not. It’s
not mine.
PALMER
So who’s is it then?! Who’s wedding
ring is in your pants, Danny?
(CONTINUED)
23.
25 CONTINUED: 25
DANNY
It is mine. But it doesn’t have
real meaning to me. Palmer, please - *
let me explain. Just give me a
minute.
Palmer suddenly stops and turns, awaiting an explanation.
Danny is at a loss for words.
DANNY (CONT’D)
Alright, this is gonna take more *
L
than a minute...
ig
A
PALMER
I’m such an idiot. Don’t call me! *
TI
nd
With this Palmer grabs her clothes and heads off. Danny *
ge
watches her go, bereft.
od
EN
D
WIDEN TO REVEAL Eddie is standing about ten feet down the *
ew
beach from Danny, watching her go. *
dr
An
Ke
EDDIE
Looks like you did alright.
*
*
E:
D
AM
DANNY *
N
Not really. How about you? *

ER
FI
D
EDDIE *
EN
I was hanging with this one babe *

/S
N
most of the night. No action, but *

a
ER
I gave her my digits - hopefully *

D
we’ll keep moving things along.

O
EA
ci
R
26 OMIT 26 *
C
27 EXT. BEACH - DAY 27 *

tri
CUT TO the Lady with the Huge Forehead, passed out on the
beach next to a smoldering campfire, with a phone number *
written on her huge forehead.
28 INT. DANNY’S OFFICE - DAY 28
Pa
Danny is sitting on Katherine’s desk, deep in conversation. *

KATHERINE *
I told you that fake married thing
was going to bite you in the ass
some day. Why don’t you just tell
her the truth?
DANNY
That I use the ring as a ploy to
pick up chicks? She’ll think I’m a
pig.
(CONTINUED)
24.
28 CONTINUED: 28
KATHERINE
(enjoying this)
But you are a pig...
Danny gets up and walks awkwardly across the room.
KATHERINE (CONT’D)
A pig who’s walking like Bigfoot.
What happened?
DANNY
L
Slept on the beach last night. My
ig
back is killing me.
A
KATHERINE
You need to strengthen your spine.
TI
nd
ge
DANNY
od
Is that a comment on my character
EN
D
or my physical fitness?
ew
KATHERINE dr
An
Ke
I guess both. Seriously, Flomax,
you need to start exercising more
E:
D
than once a month.

AM
N
DANNY
ER
FI
I don’t have time for no gym.

D
EN
KATHERINE
/S
N
My mother said that Cary Grant

a
ER
never went to the gym - he always

D
took the stairs, where ever he

O
EA
went, never the elevator.

ci
R
DANNY
C
You wanna hear my impression of

Cary Grant’s butler?
tri
(doing voice)
“Hello?... No, he’s dead.”
KATHERINE
Nice one. You know, you burned
Pa
half a calorie miming the phone

there. Anyways, I always take the
stairs, and I get a great workout
every day.
Katherine hands him some pills, which he gulps.
DANNY
I don’t need to work out. I’m a
plastic surgeon. If I get fat
anywhere, I’ll just vacuum it out.
(CONTINUED)
25.
28 CONTINUED: 28
The door to Danny’s office opens, and Katherine’s kids
MICHAEL (8) and MAGGIE (10) come in, followed by ROSA, their *
nanny, who’s playing her Nintendo DS, ignoring everyone. *
MICHAEL
Mom! We need some money!
KATHERINE
Hi, guys. Say hello to Dr.
Maccabee.
L
MAGGIE
ig
(in a cockney accent)
A
Ello Dr. Danny! How is you today?
DANNY
TI
nd
(to Katherine)
ge
Why is she talking like that?
od
EN
D
KATHERINE
ew
Maggie is working on accents.
dr
An
Ke
MAGGIE
(with the accent)
E:
D
I am taking a Stella Adler acting

AM
class this summer I is. Gonna be

N
the next Miley Cyrus I am.

ER
FI
D
DANNY
EN
Is that your favorite show, “Hannah

/S
N
Montana”?
a
ER
D
MICHAEL
O
EA
That, and “Californication”.

ci
R
KATHERINE
C
When did you see Californication?

tri
MAGGIE
(accent gone)
Rosa lets us watch Showtime when
she calls her boyfriend.
Pa
Everyone stares at Rosa, who’s oblivious, still immersed in

her video game.
DANNY
You run a tight ship at home.
KATHERINE
Shelly is our regular nanny. But
she just had twins, so her sister
Rosa here is filling in for her
temporarily.
Rosa is buried in her game.
(CONTINUED)
26.
28 CONTINUED: 28
ROSA
Stupid ghost...
KATHERINE
We’re looking forward to Shelly’s
return.
MICHAEL
(to Danny)
Will you take me to Hawaii so I can
swim with the dolphins?
L
ig
DANNY
A
What? No.
MICHAEL
TI
nd
I saw this show on the Discovery
ge
Channel. They said in Hawaii they
od
have dolphins and that you can swim
EN
D
with them if you pay a lot of
ew
money. But, I don’t have any money
dr
and my Mom says you’re rich.
An
KeKATHERINE
E:
D
Michael!
AM
N
DANNY
ER
FI
I am rich. But, that doesn’t mean

D
I’m going to take you to Hawaii.

EN
/S
N
MICHAEL
a
ER
My mom said you do charity for kids

D
all the time.

O
EA
ci
R
DANNY
Yeah, I remove their cleft lips and
C
deformities. I don’t take them to

Hawaii.
tri
Michael thinks about that for moment, then...

MICHAEL
What if I was deformed... then
Pa
would you take me to Hawaii?

DANNY
No.
Katherine hands the kids some money.
KATHERINE
Okay, here’s money. But I want
change. And Mags I want to hear
back that you actually ate the food
that I am paying for.
Maggie rolls her eyes. Michael then tugs on her shirt.
(CONTINUED)
27.
28 CONTINUED: 28
MICHAEL
Mom, before we go, can I make a
devlin?
KATHERINE
Right down the hallway. Here’s the *
key. Make sure he gets there safe. *
MAGGIE
(accent back)
Yes, Mutha.
L
ig
They walk off. Rosa stays. Danny just stares at Katherine.
A
DANNY
He is making a what?
TI
nd
ge
KATHERINE
od
(embarrassed)
EN
D
A “Devlin.”
ew
DANNY dr
An
Ke
What’s a Devlin? *
E:
D
AM
KATHERINE
One of my friends in my sorority at *
N
college was Devlin Adams. She was

ER
FI
actually more my nemesis than my

D
friend.
EN
/S
N
DANNY
a
ER
Almost like a... “frenemy”.

D
O
EA
KATHERINE
ci
R
Yes. You’d probably love her; she

was horribly fake. Very *
C
competitive. Had to have the better

boyfriend, clothes, everything. A
tri
few years ago, I heard from one of

our mutual friends how awesome
Devlin’s life was going and here I
am, 38, two kids, getting a
divorce.
Pa
DANNY
Uh huh.
KATHERINE
So one night I’d had a glass of
Chardonnay--
DANNY
A bottle?
KATHERINE
A bottle, and I didn’t like the
kids saying they needed to “crap”
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
28.
28 CONTINUED: 28
KATHERINE (CONT'D)
or “take a dump”. So in a weak
moment I told them it’s called
“making a Devlin”. And they liked
that so it stuck.
DANNY
I like that. I’m gonna use that.
Now what am I gonna do about my
love life? *
KATHERINE
L
I’d feel terrible for you - if I
ig
were emotionally invested in you
A
successfully banging 23-year-olds. *
DANNY
TI
nd
Holy Devlin! You’re not listening
ge
to me! This isn’t some bullDevlin
od
fling! This is the real Devlin.
EN
D
(lowering voice)
ew
I could see myself ending up with
this girl. dr
An
Ke
KATHERINE
E:
D
(genuinely floored)
AM
No Devlin... You’re right; you

N
can’t tell her the truth. You’re

ER
FI
screwed.
D
EN
Rosa suddenly erupts, pumping her fist.

/S
N
a
ER
ROSA
High score!
D
O
EA
ci
R
Rosa realizes where she is, quiets down and goes back to her
game. *
C
KATHERINE
tri
You don’t want to get serious

anyway. Getting serious leads to
marriage, and marriage leads to
divorce, and divorce sucks.
(gesturing toward
Pa
bathroom)
Their father was supposed to take
them this afternoon.
DANNY
And he was a no-show?
Shakes her head.
DANNY (CONT’D)
What a piece of Devlin
(CONTINUED)
29.
28 CONTINUED: 28
KATHERINE
At least I finally divorced him.
(he nods, then)
Hold it now...
29 EXT. CATHOLIC MIDDLE SCHOOL - DAY 29
All the kids are in uniforms. Palmer is walking down the
hallway when she sees Danny walking toward her with the
biggest bouquet of flowers you’ve ever seen. She turns, but
he catches up to her.
L
ig
DANNY
A
Palmer!
She stops, angry. Students point and giggle.
TI
nd
ge
PALMER
od
I told you I don’t want to see you.
EN
D
ew
DANNY dr
You said not to call you. I’m not
An
calling.
Ke
E:
D
AM
PALMER
You’re stalking.
N
ER
FI
DANNY
D
I just want to explain--

EN
/S
N
PALMER
a
ER
No, let me explain...

D
O
EA
She takes the bouquet out of his hands and throws it in the
ci
R
garbage. The students “oooooo”.

C
PALMER (CONT’D)
I don’t date married men! My father *
tri
cheated on my mother when I was

young. I am not gonna be the other
woman!
A very conservative-looking kid in a sweater and tie, SILAS,
Pa
points to Danny.
SILAS
Adulterer! Fornicator!
PALMER
Okay, Silas, that’s enough. *
Palmer pulls Danny into an empty classroom. Silas continues
to stare hauntingly at Danny.
30 INT. CLASSROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS 30
Danny takes a deep breath, knowing there’s a lot of risk.
(CONTINUED)
30.
30 CONTINUED: 30
DANNY
Look, I... I am married. But it’s *
not even a marriage anymore. We
barely even talk these days.
PALMER
Danny, that’s what all married men
say. If it’s so bad why don’t you
get divorced?
DANNY
L
I am.
ig
A
Palmer’s taken aback.
DANNY (CONT’D)
TI
nd
It’s over. She’s not going to *
ge
contest it. *
od
EN
D
PALMER
ew
I can’t believe this. I destroyed a
dr
marriage. I feel sick to my *
An
stomach.
Ke
E:
D
DANNY
AM
No, no, no. It’s not you. I filed

N
months ago, it’s gonna go final any

ER
FI
day now. It’ll be like she never

D
existed.
EN
/S
N
PALMER
a
ER
That’s kind of a cold thing to say.

D
What’s her name?

O
EA
ci
R
We can see Danny was not prepared for this.

C
DANNY
Her... name? First name? It’s,
tri
um... Devlin.
PALMER
Her name’s Devlin?
Pa
DANNY
(regretting this)
Yeah, I know. It’s a family name.
Unfortunate. It’s probably at the
root of why she’s so angry. Anyway,
we’re splitting up. Devlin’s been
cheating on me for a long time.
And finally she’s leaving me... for
him. So they can be together.
PALMER
There’s another man?
(CONTINUED)
31.
30 CONTINUED: 30
DANNY
Yes... Dolph.
PALMER
Dolph?
DANNY
Lundgren. Yes.
PALMER
The guy from Rocky IV?
L
ig
DANNY
A
No, a different Dolph Lundgren.
Apparently he gets really mad if
anyone brings the other one up. *
TI
nd
ge
PALMER
od
Danny, guys always say they’re *
EN
D
gonna leave their wives, and they *
ew
never do. *
dr
An
Ke
DANNY
Believe me, I’m doing it! It’s been a *
E:
D
long loveless marriage. A huge mistake.

AM
Now I can be done with her drinking

N
and... her porn addiction and... her

ER
FI
abusive hair-pulling. And now we can

D
hang out without being fornicators or

EN
adulterers or whatever that “Children

/S
N
of the Corn” kid was screaming at me.

a
ER
She’ll be happy, we’ll be happy,

everyone will be happy. Okay?
D
O
EA
ci
R
PALMER
...Okay.
C
(then)
I just need to hear it from her.
tri
Danny looks stunned. He blinks a few too many times. He

looks over and sees Silas staring in at him from the window
in the classroom door, nodding slowly.
Pa
CUT TO: *
31 EXT. BEVERLY HILLS SHOPPING DISTRICT - DAY 31 *
Danny and Katherine walk briskly down the sidewalk *
KATHERINE
I can’t believe I’m doing this. *
DANNY
Well, you kind of owe it to me. It *
was your idea to lie to her.
(CONTINUED)
32.
31 CONTINUED: 31
KATHERINE
Yes, to help you get out of the web
of lies you created with that
stupid wedding ring.
DANNY
I never lied to her about the ring.
I failed to provide a plausible
explanation. It was you who
introduced lies into our
relationship.
L
ig
KATHERINE
A
You are nuts. And why did you say
her name was “Devlin”?
TI
nd
DANNY
ge
I got nervous.
od
EN
D
KATHERINE
ew
You invent a fake wife every Friday
night! dr
An
Ke
DANNY
E:
D
I know. But this girl is special.

AM
That’s what I’m trying to tell you. *

N
I gotta move on with my life. This

ER
FI
is my chance. *
D
EN
KATHERINE
/S
N
But if you end up with this girl, *

a
ER
isn’t she going to come into the

office someday and see that I’m
D
O
EA
your receptionist?
ci
R
DANNY
C
That’s what fake mustaches were

invented for.
tri
They arrive at Barney’s department store. *

KATHERINE *
We really don’t need to do this. I *
Pa
have nice things I could wear. *

DANNY
Absolutely! You wear the nicest
clothes Old Navy makes! But it’s
gotta be plastic-surgeon’s-wife
nice.
KATHERINE
Fine. You asked for it. *
CUT TO:
33.
32 INT. BARNEY’S SHOE DEPARTMENT - DAY 32

Danny and Katherine are at Barneys. Katherine tries on a pair
of Christian Louboutin’s. She walks a bit awkwardly and
sheepishly smiles to the SALESGIRL.
KATHERINE
I haven’t worn heels in a while.
(The salesgirl nods.)
They’re beautiful. How much are they?
L
SALESGIRL
ig
Seventeen hundred.
A
DANNY
That’s more than my parents’ house cost.
TI
nd
Yeah, we won’t be getting those.
ge
od
KATHERINE
EN
D
That’s okay we won’t be needing
ew
them anyway.
dr
An
Ke
Katherine then faux pretends to be sick.
E:
D
AM
Because I’m starting not to feel so
N
hot...I am not sure I will be able to

ER
FI
make it tonight...Holding in a devlin.

D
EN
Smiling she makes like she’s covering her stomach. Danny

/S
N
sighs.
a
ER
D
DANNY
O
EA
Fine. There’s your Christmas bonus.

ci
R
KATHERINE
C
(smiling big, instantly better)

And I’m going to need them in blue,
tri
in case I break the heel. Or just

to cuddle with.
DANNY
You sicken me.
Pa
KATHERINE
(to salesgirl, sotto voce)
This is why we’re getting divorced.
The salesgirl looks confused. Danny shakes his head as he
hands the salesgirl his black card. Katherine smiles
excitedly. She is starting to have fun with this. BEGIN
MONTAGE.
33 OMIT 33
34.
A34 INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY A34

QUICK SHOTS of Katherine trying on beautiful outfits. She
lingers at the mirror, amazed, and impressed by how much
better she looks in these clothes. SHOT of Danny looking in
the mirror with Katherine as she wears a tight fitting dress.
DANNY *
I had no idea you had breasts. *
KATHERINE
L
(equally amazed)
ig
Me neither. I think they’re real, *
A
too. *
34 INT. KATE SOMMERVILLE SALON - DAY 34
TI
nd
ge
Katherine sits in the chair getting a facial as OTHERS give
od
her simultaneous MANIS AND PEDIS. Danny shakes his head.
EN
D
Katherine smirks. Danny hands over his credit card for her
ew
to use.
dr
An
35 OMIT
Ke 35
E:
D
AM
36 EXT. RIO SPA - DAY 36

N
Katherine walks out and hands Danny his credit card.

ER
FI
D
DANNY
EN
Why am I paying for a Brazilian

/S
N
bikini wax? Who’s going to see

a
ER
that?
D
O
EA
KATHERINE
ci
R
Not you.
C
Adon walks out of the salon, walking kind of funny. He sees

Danny and Katherine and waves.
tri
A37 INT. YUKIS SALON - DAY A37 *

Katherine sits in the chair. Danny hovers. ERNESTO surveys
her disapprovingly.
Pa
ERNESTO
(to Danny)
Are you the husband?
DANNY
For now.
KATHERINE
He’s divorcing me.
ERNESTO *
(plays with her hair)
Well, you can’t expect to keep a *
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
A37 CONTINUED: A37
ERNESTO (CONT'D)
man letting yourself go like this.
Your hair is a crime scene - I
don’t know whether to grab a brush
or some yellow tape.
DANNY
That’s why I’m leaving her, Ernesto
- I can’t run the risk of having a
kid with hair like that.
KATHERINE
L
Can you make it better, Ernesto?
ig
A
ERNESTO
“Better”? Hurricane Katrina could
make it “better”. I’m going to
TI
nd
make it... transcendent.
ge
(calling out)
od
YURI, KATYA, MRS. HWIGGINS, WE’RE
EN
D
GOING IN DEEP! And bring the
ew
equipment.
dr
An
As OTHERS swoop in to help, carrying equipment, Katherine
just laughs at it all. Ke
E:
D
AM
B37 INT. YUKIS SALON - LATER B37

N
ER
FI
Katherine’s hair is finished, and she looks in the mirror.

D
She is momentarily taken aback -- she is seeing herself at

EN
her best for the first time in years.

/S
N
a
ER
END MONTAGE.
D
O
EA
37 INT. SANTA MONICA HOTEL - DAY 37 *

ci
R
A fancy Santa Monica hotel lounge. Danny and Palmer nurse

C
drinks, waiting. Danny nervously checks his watch.

tri
PALMER
You seem nervous, Danny.
DANNY
This is just kind of weird - she
Pa
gets me tense. We just don’t get

along.
PALMER
I’m sorry to put you through this.
DANNY
I know, I just... I want to get
past this part of my life, and move
on to us.
She gently takes his hand.
(CONTINUED)
36.
37 CONTINUED: 37
PALMER
We will. Soon. Tonight.
And then in walks... Guy’s heads turn one by one as she walks
past. And then we see: Katherine: flowing hair, white teeth
and perfect skin. As she struts toward them Danny’s jaw
drops.
PALMER (CONT’D)
Is that her?
L
DANNY
ig
(surprised)
A
I think so.
PALMER
TI
nd
She’s stunning. I love her shoes.
ge
od
DANNY
EN
D
She’s got an extra pair; maybe
ew
she’ll give them to you.
dr
An
Ke
Palmer who is in casual-ware suddenly feels self conscious.
E:
D
AM
Katherine stands in the middle of the lounge, looking around.

She’s with a LIMO DRIVER.
N
ER
FI
KATHERINE
D
Do you see Dr. Maccabee anywhere,

EN
Henderson? Ah, there he is. Keep

/S
N
the car running; I shan’t be long.

a
ER
D
Katherine heads their way. Danny gets up. She gives him an
O
EA
affectionless hug.
ci
R
C
Hello, Boring!
tri
DANNY
(sotto)
A limo driver?
KATHERINE
Pa
(sotto)
Just trying to play the part.
She breaks the hug and turns to Palmer.
(with overdone gusto)
Palmer, darling. I’m Devlin, Devlin
Maccabee. Soon-to-be, single-abee. *
The WAITER comes up.
WAITER
Something to drink, Madame?
(CONTINUED)
37.
37 CONTINUED: 37
KATHERINE
Well, hello. I’d like a tall glass
of you. Me-ow. Just kidding -
unless you’re into it. Grey goose
martini and keep them coming.
Katherine is trying to play a part and is way overdoing it.
She is nervous and overcompensating. The Waiter leaves and
she SLAPS HIS ASS AS HE GOES. Danny looks at her, who is
this? Katherine turns back to Palmer.
L
ig
So I hear you and Danny had sex.
A
Palmer almost spits out her drink.
TI
nd
PALMER
ge
Yes, yes. I am so sorry. I didn’t
od
know he was married at the time. If
EN
D
I’d known I never would have.
ew
KATHERINE dr
An
No, it’s fine, dear. I’m just glad
Ke
his ding-a-ling is still at least
E:
D
partially functional.
AM
N
Now Danny almost spits out his drink.

ER
FI
D
EN
(whispers and points)

/S
N
E.D. *
a
ER
D
PALMER
O
EA
I’m sorry, what’s e.d.?

ci
R
KATHERINE
C
Oh, I forgot you were 15. Erectile

dysfunction, darling. It’s like
tri
trying to shoot darts with over-

cooked spaghetti.
DANNY
Maybe my spaghetti just didn’t *
Pa
enjoy the lumpy meatballs you were *

serving.
KATHERINE
Lots of men think I serve the
finest meatballs in Southern
California. Lots and lots of men.
DANNY
I’m surprised you were able to keep
count, you were so full of pills. It
would be like, “Darling what do you
want for dinner?” “Pills, pills and
more pills.” They were like tic tacs
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
38.
37 CONTINUED: 37
DANNY (CONT'D)
to her. Pop pop pop. Pills, pills,
pills!!!
Katherine is annoyed, she doesn’t like to made out to be a
drug addict even a fake one.
KATHERINE
I had to do something to amuse
myself while he was “on the throne”
dealing with his Irritable Bowel
Syndrome.
L
ig
DANNY
A
(under his breath)
I’ve got another disease now?
TI
nd
KATHERINE
ge
I spent our wedding night sitting
od
on a bed listening to what sounded
EN
D
like an underwater symphony of
ew
French horns and bassoons coming
dr
from our hotel bathroom. Combine
An
that with the smell of dead cats
Ke
and fajitas, and you have a
E:
D
severely diminished libido--

AM
N
Danny fed up kicks Katherine under the table.

ER
FI
D
PALMER
EN
OWWW!
/S
N
a
ER
But, he kicked Palmer instead.

D
O
EA
PALMER (CONT’D)
ci
R
Did you just kick me?!

C
DANNY
No.
tri
(quickly deflecting)
Devlin, did you just kick Palmer?
Danny looks glaringly at Katherine: please say yes.
Pa
KATHERINE
Yes, yes I did. I have leg spasms.
And with that she now kicks Danny.
DANNY
Ow!!!
KATHERINE
A side affect of my pill popping
past, I’m afraid. But, I’m clean
now. And I apologize.
(CONTINUED)
39.
37 CONTINUED: 37
PALMER
It’s okay.
Palmer rubs her leg. Under the table Danny angrily TEXTS
KATHERINE: What are you doing?
She reads it and texts back: Being your bitchy wife.
Danny replies: Well, tone it down! It’s coming across
cartoony.
L
Katherine writes back: You’re a cartoon and she’s staring at
ig
you.
A
Danny looks up to see Palmer staring at him texting. So he
now makes like he has been texting her. He quickly texts:
TI
nd
KISSES. Palmer pulls out her phone, sees it and smiles. She
ge
texts him: KISSES 2 U 2.
od
EN
D
DANNY
ew
Ha-ha-ha, let’s all put our phones
dr
away now.
An
They all do. Ke

E:
D
AM
PALMER
N
So how did you two meet?

ER
FI
D
KATHERINE
EN
(toned down)
/S
N
I worked for him. Was his

a
ER
secretary, ran his office then I

D
ran his life.

O
EA
ci
R
PALMER
Are you still working there?
C
KATHERINE
tri
Oh no, he’s hired someone new.

Someone with a...
(turns to Danny)
...mustache.
Pa
38 INT. TABLE - A LITTLE WHILE LATER 38 *

Katherine a few drinks in her is finishing a story. We see *
her laugh and let loose like we haven’t before.
KATHERINE *
So it turns out this woman had *
three saline implants in each
breast. The doctor who did her
enlargement just shoved them in
there like he was stuffing a
turkey. *
(CONTINUED)
40.
38 CONTINUED: 38
DANNY
When I took ‘em out, it was like
setting wild horses free.
KATHERINE
The implants got up and literally
ran all over the office. *
They all laugh: Danny now looks at Katherine and coughs. She *
nods: right.
L
ig
All joking aside, Palmer. Danny...
A
(totally memorized)
Is the greatest guy in the world.
It may not have worked out for us.
TI
nd
But he is warm and kind and loving.
ge
You are a lucky girl to have found
od
him. Thus I give you my blessing. I
EN
D
am truly happy for you both.
ew
dr
Palmer smiles, touched. Danny smiles too, happy.
An
Ke
PALMER
E:
D
Thank you. You don’t know what it

AM
means to me. I told Danny I

N
wouldn’t be with him until I knew

ER
FI
that your marriage was really over.

D
EN
KATHERINE
/S
N
Oh, it is. I am with Dolph.

a
ER
D
PALMER
O
EA
Lundgren.
ci
R
KATHERINE
C
Yes, Dolph Lundgren. He is my Austrian

lover and friend. He’s gorgeous. And a
tri
sex machine. We’re very very happy.

DANNY
And I am very happy for them. So we
are gonna get an amicable divorce
Pa
as fast as possible.
KATHERINE
And go our separate ways.
They both smile at Palmer. She smiles back and then turns to
look for the waiter. As she does through their smiles Danny
and Katherine whisper quietly to each other.
How’d I do?
(CONTINUED)
41.
38 CONTINUED: 38
DANNY
(sing-songy)
Nailed it!
39 EXT. RESTAURANT, VALET STAND - NIGHT 39
Katherine’s limo is idling out front; Henderson is leaning
against it. Katherine, Danny and Palmer walk out of the
restaurant.
KATHERINE
L
Henderson, you thoughtless oaf!
ig
Open the door!
A
HENDERSON
What’s this?
TI
nd
ge
KATHERINE
od
(sotto)
EN
D
Just go with it.
ew
(to Palmer)
dr
It was so nice meeting you.
An
Ke
PALMER
E:
D
Likewise.
AM
N
They hug.
ER
FI
D
KATHERINE
EN
I’m thrilled for you both. Even though *

/S
N
our marriage didn’t work out, I still *

a
ER
want my Danny to be happy. As long as

D
I retain custody of Henderson here,

O
EA
I’ll be happy too...

ci
R
Katherine slaps Henderson’s ass. He just turns and stares at

C
her.
tri
Katherine’s phone rings, she looks annoyed and instinctively

picks it up.
(breaking character)
Pa
Yes. Again? Put her on! ...What

did I tell you about selling your
brother’s things on Ebay? ...Well,
I want you to get it back! I’ll
deal with you when I get home.
She hangs up to see Palmer and Danny staring at her. She
realizes what she just did. Danny wants to kill her.
PALMER
You have kids?
(CONTINUED)
42.
39 CONTINUED: 39
KATHERINE
(no way around this)
...Yes.
Danny drops his head in his hand. Palmer then turns to him.
PALMER
You have children?
DANNY
Um... sort of.
L
ig
PALMER
A
What do you mean, “sort of”?
DANNY
TI
nd
Well, who knows if they’re mine,
ge
the way Devlin would hop in the
od
sack with any guy who had a full
EN
D
head of hair and a backseat in his
ew
car.
dr
An
Ke
PALMER
Well, did you raise these children?
E:
D
AM
DANNY
N
Yes, of course, that’s why your

ER
FI
instincts are telling you to be

D
attracted to me, cause you can

EN
sense I’m a good person, who would

/S
N
raise those kids whether they’re

a
ER
mine or the mailman’s or Mickey

D
Rourke’s or the Lakers’--

O
EA
ci
R
KATHERINE
Whoa, whoa. I am not a slut. In
C
high school, a little. But not

during our marriage. The kids are
tri
yours.
DANNY
(sotto voce)
Are you kidding me?
Pa
KATHERINE
(sotto)
Sorry.
PALMER
When were you planning to tell me
about these children, Danny?
A beat of stony silence, then...
(CONTINUED)
43.
39 CONTINUED: 39
KATHERINE
Well, speaking of children, I
should be getting home to them.
Palmer, nice meeting you. Danny.
DANNY
Devlin.
Katherine, feeling awful, gets in the limo. Henderson shuts
the door for her, takes a second to squirt some breath
freshener in his mouth, then gets in and drives off. Danny
L
turns to Palmer.
ig
A
DANNY (CONT’D)
Look, I guess... I don’t know... I
thought it might scare you off. This
TI
nd
has all happened so fast. I’m really
ge
sorry I didn’t tell you. Are you
od
freaked out?
EN
D
ew
And she breaks into a smile...
dr
An
PALMER
Ke
Oh no, just the opposite.
E:
D
AM
DANNY
N
Really?
ER
FI
D
PALMER
EN
You know I love kids and I didn’t

/S
N
peg you as kids guy.

a
ER
D
She leans over and kisses him.

O
EA
ci
R
PALMER (CONT’D)
There’s nothing more beautiful than
C
fatherhood. What are their names?

tri
DANNY
Oh. Kiki and Bart. They’re great.
Kiki has long hair and Bart likes
to go to the bathroom - but always
with Kiki.
Pa
PALMER
Oh my G-d, I want to meet them!
DANNY
Of course you do.
40 INT. PIZZA HUT - DAY 40 *
Michael devours a slice of pepperoni. Maggie doesn’t eat a
thing.
(CONTINUED)
44.
40 CONTINUED: 40
MAGGIE
So our mom doesn’t know you took us
today?
DANNY
Not yet.
MAGGIE
You know this is kidnapping...
MICHAEL
L
(nods mouth still full)
ig
Stranger danger. *
A
DANNY
Look, I’m not a stranger. I’m your *
TI
nd
mother’s boss. And Rosa’s right there.
ge
od
CUT TO ROSA on the other side of the restaurant, flirting
EN
D
with a janitor while drinking a beer.
ew
dr
DANNY (CONT'D)
An
Ke
Look, I have a proposal for you both.
And I didn’t want to run it by your
E:
D
Mom until I ran it by you guys first.

AM
N
The kids stare at him, waiting.

ER
FI
D
DANNY (CONT’D)
EN
I want you to pretend to be my

/S
N
children.
a
ER
D
Before he can explain further, Maggie shakes her head in

O
EA
disapproval.
ci
R
MAGGIE
C
Why don’t you just tell that poor

girl the truth?
tri
DANNY
You know?
MAGGIE
Pa
Our mother tells us everything.

DANNY
Telling Palmer the truth is not in
the cards. I thought you’d be
excited, it’s an acting job.
MAGGIE
If it’s an acting job we should get paid.
DANNY
You’ll get paid in experience.
(CONTINUED)
45.
40 CONTINUED: 40
MAGGIE
Will this help me get my SAG card?
DANNY
No.
MAGGIE
Then I wanna actually get paid.
DANNY
Fair enough. ...All right, in exchange
L
for pretending to be my kids for an
ig
afternoon, what do you want?
A
The kids talk amongst themselves and consult. Maggie turns
back to him.
TI
nd
ge
MAGGIE
od
I want 600 dollars for the day plus
EN
D
overtime if we go over eight hours.
ew
I’ll do my own hair and makeup, but
dr
I want you to pay for this six week
An
intensive acting camp that my Mom
can’t afford. Ke
E:
D
AM
DANNY
N
$50 dollars for the day and I’ll

ER
FI
pay for a two week acting class at

D
the YMCA.
EN
/S
N
MAGGIE
a
ER
500 dollars and a 4 week acting class.

D
O
EA
DANNY
ci
R
300 and three weeks.

C
MAGGIE
Done.
tri
They shake hands. Then...

DANNY
I would have paid you 5.
Pa
MAGGIE
I would have done it for the
experience.
Danny laughs, he likes her. He turns to Michael who is quiet
like always.
DANNY
So Michael... what’s your opener?
MICHAEL
I want you to take me to Hawaii so
I can swim with the dolphins.
(CONTINUED)
46.
40 CONTINUED: 40
DANNY
Not gonna happen.
MICHAEL
Find someone else then.
Michael pours himself a soda and slowly takes a drink, all
the while staring Danny in the eye...
DANNY
The dolphins is a no go. But we’re here
L
to negotiate, so what else can I do for
ig
you?
A
MICHAEL
I want a flying pony.
TI
nd
ge
DANNY
od
There’s no such thing as a flying pony.
EN
D
ew
MICHAEL dr
(takes this in)
An
Ke
Then I want a regular pony. And I
want to name him Nelson.
E:
D
AM
DANNY
N
You’re not getting a pony. How

ER
FI
about a Playstation? You can name

D
that Nelson.
EN
/S
N
MICHAEL
a
ER
(beat)
D
Keep talking.
O
EA
ci
R
DANNY
A Playstation with...three games.
C
MICHAEL
tri
Five games. And I want the meeting with

the woman to be at J.D. McFunnigans. *
DANNY
I could probably make that happen.
Pa
MICHAEL
And I want unlimited tokens. If I
can spend them I want to have them.
I don’t want to be like playing
skeeball and run out of tokens.
DANNY
Goes without saying. *
(looks at both of them)
So do we have a deal?
The brother and sister confer. Then put their hands out.
(CONTINUED)
47.
40 CONTINUED: 40
MICHAEL
Deal.
The kids look victorious. Michael actually smiles.
DANNY
Now, eat some food, or the deal is
off.
Maggie makes a face and starts eating. Danny smiles.
L
MAGGIE
ig
Can I do an accent?
A
DANNY
No.
TI
nd
ge
Maggie looks disappointed as she starts to eat.
od
EN
D
41 INT. DANNY’S OFFICE - DAY 41
ew
dr
As Danny follows a furious Katherine out of his office.
An
Ke
E:
KATHERINE
D
AM
My kids? Have you completely lost *

your mind? Has the syphilis finally
N
gone to your brain?

ER
FI
D
DANNY
EN
Are you kidding me? You’re the one

/S
N
who couldn’t deal with being

a
ER
considered a slut for five minutes

D
because of some high-school issue

O
EA
I’m just finding out about.

ci
R
KATHERINE
C
Well, if you could just admit to

her that you were a slut, we
tri
wouldn’t have to do any of this.

DANNY
But I can’t, so we do. Come on. *
It’ll be good for them.
Pa
KATHERINE
How?
DANNY
It’ll be a chance to get Maggie
some real world acting experience
and bring Michael out of his shell. *
He follows her into the... WAITING ROOM
KATHERINE
Mrs. Harrington, the doctor will
see you now.
(CONTINUED)
48.
41 CONTINUED: 41
MRS. HARRINGTON, with one large breast and one medium-size
breast, stands up and follows Katherine and Danny down the
hall.
DANNY
C’mon, Katherine. We’re halfway
there!
KATHERINE
I can’t believe you are doing all this
just to get laid. Men are so pathetic.
L
ig
They all walk into a treatment room.
A
42 INT. TREATMENT ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS 42
TI
nd
Katherine begins preparing the room. Danny washes his hands.
ge
Mrs. Harrington sits, a little confused.
od
EN
D
DANNY
ew
I’m not doing all this just to get laid.
dr
I already got laid. And, yes, I would
An
Ke
like to continue getting laid. I’m pro me-
getting-laid.
E:
D
(to Mrs. Harrington)

AM
Please remove your shirt.

N
(back to Katherine)
ER
FI
But, I’m actually crazy about her. She’s

D
smart, beautiful, great sense of humor -

EN
(a beat) *
/S
N
Hey - what’s that smell? Are *

a
ER
you... wearing perfume?

D
O
EA
KATHERINE
ci
R
Maybe.
C
DANNY
But you don’t wear perfume.
tri
KATHERINE
Well, maybe now I do.
DANNY
Pa
You have a date!

KATHERINE
It’s not a date. It’s a lunch.
DANNY
With who? With a man person?
KATHERINE
Yes, with a man person. Dr.
Herlihy’s office manager, Brian, if
you have to know.
(CONTINUED)
42 CONTINUED: 42
DANNY
The guy with the grey soul patch?-- He
looks like he should be playing bass in
a Jethro Tull cover band.
(to Mrs. Harrington)
Brassiere, too, Ms. Harrington.
Mrs. Harrington hesitantly takes off her bra (we don’t see
her chest).
KATHERINE
L
Actually, he does play bass. And
ig
he writes songs.
A
DANNY
About how bad his ponytail stinks?
TI
nd
When did he stop looking for
ge
Scooby Snacks and ask you out?
od
EN
D
KATHERINE
ew
Yesterday in the parking lot.
dr
An
DANNY
(scoffs)Ke
E:
D
In the parking lot...

AM
(stares at Mrs.
N
Harrington’s breast)
ER
FI
So Mrs. Harrington: looks like one *

D
of the funbags ain’t having so much *

EN
fun. *
/S
N
a
ER
MRS. HARRINGTON *
Well, I hit it with the car door *
D
O
EA
yesterday, and I heard a pop, then *

ci
some sloshing sound when I walk... *

R
C
DANNY *
It’s a saline leak. So, do we want *
tri
to pump righty back up, or pop *

lefty, even it out? *
MRS. HARRINGTON
Well--
Pa
Katherine’s cell phone rings. Katherine picks up.

DANNY
Is that him? Can I talk?
She angrily shushes him.
KATHERINE
(high pitched voice)
Why, hello, Brian? We certainly
are. Sushi. Sounds great. I will
meet you in the lobby at 1.
(CONTINUED)
42 CONTINUED: 42
She hangs up. Danny just stares at her.
DANNY
What voice was that?
KATHERINE
(self conscious)
That was my normal voice.
L
ig
A
TI
nd
ge
od
EN
D
ew
dr
An
Ke
E:
D
AM
N
ER
FI
D
EN
/S
N
a
ER
D
O
EA
ci
R
C
tri
Pa
(CONTINUED)
42 CONTINUED: 42
DANNY
No, that was like “thirteen-year-
old girl who is about to have a
seizure from seeing that Twilight
guy” voice.
MRS. HARRINGTON
I love that movie!
KATHERINE
Of course you do, Mrs. Harrington.
L
Here’s some numbing cream for your
ig
nipples.
A
She hands her a tube.
TI
nd
DANNY
ge
Seriously, Katherine... it’s just
od
for one afternoon.
EN
D
ew
KATHERINE
dr
You’re asking me to bring my
An
children into your dysfunctional,
Ke
pathetic little sick lying game.
E:
D
I’m not gonna do it!

AM
N
DANNY
ER
FI
You should’ve seen the smile on

D
Michael’s face when we were

EN
negotiating. When I said we’d do

/S
N
it at J.D. McFunnigans, he looked *

a
ER
like he’d won the Heisman Trophy.

D
O
EA
Danny picks up Mrs. Harrington’s uneven bra and examines it.

ci
R
DANNY (CONT’D)
C
Did you make this? *

(Mrs. Harrington nods) *
tri
You’re going to have to give this *

to the Smithsonian after the
operation.
KATHERINE
Pa
(softening)
He really smiled?
DANNY
Yes. And I got Maggie to eat.
KATHERINE
She ate?
DANNY
She had three slices of deep dish.
Ate the crusts, too.
(CONTINUED)
42 CONTINUED: 42
KATHERINE
I haven’t been able to get her to
eat anything.
L
ig
A
TI
nd
ge
od
EN
D
ew
dr
An
Ke
E:
D
AM
N
ER
FI
D
EN
/S
N
a
ER
D
O
EA
ci
R
C
tri
Pa
(CONTINUED)
51.
42 CONTINUED: 42
DANNY
I know.
Katherine can’t hide her happiness at hearing that.
DANNY (CONT’D)
Don’t do it for me, Katherine... do
it for the children.
She glares at him for a beat.
L
CUT TO:
ig
A
43 EXT. J.D. MCFUNNIGANS - DAY 43 *
TI
Katherine, Danny, Maggie and Michael stand in the parking lot
nd
of J.D. MCFUNNIGANS. *
ge
od
KATHERINE
EN
D
This is going to be another train
ew
wreck. dr
An
Ke
DANNY
E:
No, it’s gonna go great, just like

D
AM
it did last time. But this time

we’re gonna finish better. It’s
N
all about the finish.

ER
FI
D
Katherine shoots him a look. Maggie then looks at them all

EN
very seriously.
/S
N
a
ER
MAGGIE
D
The first rule of improv is always

O
EA
accept the information. If someone says

ci
R
something just go with it. No negating. *

C
DANNY
Got it - gotta go with it. *
tri
MAGGIE
In my acting class when someone
says “No” in a scene the whole
class yells DIE!!!!!!
Pa
DANNY
Yeah, we won’t be doing that today.
MAGGIE
Who’s up for some warm up exercises?
(starts moving her mouth)
Me, mi mo mum. The Tip of the tongue
the teeth the lips, the tip of the
tongue the teeth the lips. BA GA DA!!!
(CONTINUED)
52.
43 CONTINUED: 43
DANNY
Hey, Florence Olivier - that’s
enough warming up. Let’s do this.
You ready, mafia?
MICHAEL
(with steely determination)
Hell yeah.
-The Four of them walk in SLO MO all badass into the *
restaurant. A pregnant lady chasing a crying kid crosses the *
L
frame. He throws his soda at her. *
ig
A
44 INT. J.D. MCFUNNIGANS - CONTINUOUS 44 *
CRAZY SUGAR FUELED KIDS run amok screaming and playing.
TI
nd
FRAZZLED PARENTS try to keep it together. It is overwhelming.
ge
Danny looks out at it all. It’s a single man’s nightmare.
od
EN
D
DANNY
ew
This place smells like kids’ feet
and mozzarella sticks.dr
An
Ke
KATHERINE
E:
D
Can’t take the heat, Romeo?

AM
N
A FAT KID with a mouth full of candy is running. Another kid

ER
FI
trips him on purpose; the Fat Kid STUMBLES AND HEAD-BUTTS

D
DANNY IN THE CROTCH. Danny keels over in pain. The Fat Kid
EN
runs off, yelling...

/S
N
a
ER
FAT KID
D
Mommy, mommy, that man touched my

O
EA
face with his pee-pee.

ci
R
DANNY
C
He touched my pee-pee with his

face.
tri
Palmer comes over. Katherine greets her.

KATHERINE
Palmer, darling.
Pa
PALMER
Devlin. Thank you so much for
bringing your kids here.
Palmer then smiles warmly at the kids.
DANNY
Palmer, I’d like you to meet my pride and
joy: Kiki and Bart.
PALMER
Hey, guys.
(CONTINUED)
53.
44 CONTINUED: 44
MAGGIE
(cockney accent)
Ello, Palmer, ‘erd so much about you.
Danny looks like he could throttle her.
PALMER
Oh, you’re British?
MAGGIE
So you’re the bird what’s been
L
givin’ Daddy the ol’ slap and
ig
tickle.
A
She turns to Danny who just smiles.
TI
nd
DANNY
ge
Yes, she’s British...we love it.
od
EN
D
Katherine thinking fast tries to explain.
ew
KATHERINE
dr
An
Ke
Kiki...goes to boarding school in
England and has picked up a little
E:
D
AM
accent. It’s all very Madonna.

N
Danny looks at her: nice one.

ER
FI
D
PALMER
EN
That’s adorable. Well, it’s a pleasure

/S
N
meeting you, Kiki.

a
ER
D
MAGGIE
O
EA
Wish I could say the same. You see,

ci
R
before you, I had meself a father. *

I was the apple of his eye. It was
C
all giggling and chasing butterfies

in the meadows and what have you.
tri
And now what do I got? An hour and

half every other week at J.D. *
McFunnigans wif him and his whore. *
KATHERINE
Pa
Koko!...Kiki!
Maggie runs off. Palmer turns to a speechless Danny.
PALMER
God, she’s in such pain.
DANNY
(pissed)
Me too.
PALMER
Aren’t you going to go talk to her?
(CONTINUED)
54.
44 CONTINUED: 44
Danny makes a face and does. Katherine, Palmer and Michael
just awkwardly stand there. Katherine turns to Palmer.
KATHERINE
And this is, uh... Bart.
PALMER
How are you doing, sweetie?
MICHAEL
(could care less)
L
I was promised tokens.
ig
A
Katherine just laughs & smiles at Palmer. It’s not going well.
Danny, annoyed, climbs into the JUMPY ROOM after Maggie. She
TI
nd
jumps up and down. They are out of ear shot.
ge
od
DANNY
EN
D
What the hell was that?!
ew
MAGGIE
dr
An
Ke
That was raw and real and in the
moment. I feel very good about it.
E:
D
AM
DANNY
N
Well, I don’t! So if you want to

ER
FI
get your money and your acting

D
class, cut the sob stories! It’s *

EN
all smiles and laughter from now

/S
N
on. And we’re stuck with the

a
ER
English accent now, Ringo, so don’t

D
choke. Got it?

O
EA
ci
R
MAGGIE
(nonchalant)
C
Got it.
tri
DANNY
Now give me a hug and a laugh like *
we made up and let’s get on with
the show.
Pa
Maggie then dramatically hugs Danny, then laughs loudly. *

Danny turns and wink at Palmer, giving her the “ok” sign.
They part. A kid then SNEEZES ALL OVER DANNY.
45 INT. J.D. MCFUNNIGANS, DINING ROOM - DAY 45 *
Everyone watches as the ANIMATRONIC KANGAROO band from like *
1985 sings and plays up on stage in its robotic way.
ROBOT KANGAROO *
I’m a singing kangaroo, and I’m *
from far away, I like to hop-hop- *
hop all day... *
(CONTINUED)
55.
45 CONTINUED: 45
DANNY
I like this band, but it’s missing
some low end. Maybe Soul Patch *
could come down with his BASS! Bo- *
diddy-bo-bo-bo! *
KATHERINE
Good one. Let’s just hope that
giant kangaroo doesn’t like to eat *
ZUCCHINI!
L
DANNY
ig
Shhhhhhh...
A
BURGER GUY (OVER THE LOUD SPEAKER) *
NUMBER 24.
TI
nd
ge
DANNY
od
That’s us! Palmer, wanna help me carry?
EN
D
ew
Palmer nods and goes with Danny to get their order.
dr
An
Ke
DANNY (CONT’D)
The kids seem to really like you.
E:
D
AM
PALMER
N
You think so? They’ve been so

ER
FI
quiet.
D
EN
DANNY
/S
N
That’s what they’re like when they

a
ER
like somebody. It’s just a shame the

D
private school they’re going to

O
EA
doesn’t allow parents to visit.

ci
R
PALMER
C
That’s a bit harsh.

tri
A GUY IN A GIANT KANGAROO SUIT gives them the food. *

GUY IN GIANT KANGAROO SUIT *
Here’s some burgers for you, and a *
quesadilla for your dad. *
Pa
DANNY
And a soda for you.
Danny tosses his soda in the Guy’s face. He and Palmer bring
the pizzas back to everyone.
DANNY (CONT’D)
Anyways, it’s the best school in
England but very strict.
PALMER
What’s it called?
(CONTINUED)
56.
45 CONTINUED: 45
DANNY
Hogwarts.
PALMER
Like in “Harry Potter”?
DANNY
I don’t know, I never saw that. So *
bottom line, you don’t want to play
games with their education. If *
Headmaster Dumbledore says stay *
L
away, you stay away.
ig
A
They arrive back at the table.
DANNY (CONT’D)
TI
nd
Here we go, my darlings. Burger *
ge
for Bart Bart the Water Fart, and *
od
two quesadillas for Cheeky Kiki *
EN
D
with a side of Freaky.
ew
dr
They all dig in. Except Maggie. Danny sees this.
An
Ke
DANNY (CONT’D)
E:
D
Kiki’s favorite food is quesadilla, *

AM
Palmer. *
N
ER
FI
Maggie makes a face, but then smiles. Her rules.

D
EN
MAGGIE
/S
N
Yes... that’s why I’m gonna eat two *

a
ER
of them. *
D
O
EA
As Maggie makes a face and digs in. Danny smiles. Katherine

ci
R
mouths “thank you” to him.

C
PALMER
Danny, we forgot napkins.
tri
DANNY
I’ll go get some. Back in one
minute, so everybody be cool... I
mean, I love you.
Pa
(to Katherine)
But not you anymore.
They nods. Danny heads off.
PALMER
So, Bart, your dad tells me you
like to go to the bathroom.
MICHAEL
Huh? I guess.
PALMER
What else do you like?
(CONTINUED)
57.
45 CONTINUED: 45
MICHAEL
I don’t know.
KATHERINE
Bart’s a man of few words. *
MICHAEL
Maybe I’m upset. *
PALMER
Upset about me and your father dating? *
L
Does that bother you? *
ig
A
MICHAEL
No, I mean you seem to make my dad
happy and that’s cool, but...
TI
nd
ge
PALMER
od
But what?
EN
D
ew
MICHAEL dr
Nothing.
An
Ke
PALMER
E:
D
AM
What? You can say anything to me. *

N
MICHAEL
ER
FI
Well, I just hate that he broke his

D
promise to me.
EN
/S
N
PALMER
a
ER
What promise?
D
O
EA
KATHERINE
ci
R
Yeah, what promise?

C
MICHAEL
(getting emotional)
tri
He promised me last year that he’d

take me to swim with the dolphins *
in Hawaii. They have this lagoon *
there with dolphins... and people *
get to swim with them. *
Pa
Michael is now being very dramatic...

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
And we went on the Internet and
made reservations for next
weekend... *
Palmer consoles him. Maggie looks impressed with the acting.
Danny walks back with the napkins. Katherine gives him an
“uh-oh” look.
(CONTINUED)
58.
45 CONTINUED: 45
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
But without warning, my dad cancelled *
the trip.
PALMER
Why?
MICHAEL
(fake sobbing)
He met you.
L
Palmer is stunned. Danny is getting what is happening.
ig
A
DANNY
What? No, that’s--
TI
nd
MAGGIE
ge
DIE!
od
EN
D
DANNY
ew
I mean, Yes and- dr
An
Ke
Palmer now glares at Danny.
E:
D
AM
DANNY (CONT’D)
There goes the finish.
N
ER
FI
46 OMIT 46 *
D
EN
47 INT. LAX - DAY 47

/S
N
a
ER
Danny walks with Katherine, the kids and Palmer through LAX.
D
Danny fight-whispers to Katherine.

O
EA
ci
R
DANNY
I can’t believe I was just blackmailed
C
by a six year old.

tri
MICHAEL
I saw my shot and took it.
DANNY
And I can kinda respect you for that.
Pa
But Hawaii on a holiday weekend -- half *

of Beverly Hills is gonna be there. We
have no idea who we could run into.
This could get--
(sing-song)
Ugly in a hurry...
KATHERINE
This is already incredibly ugly. Just so
you know my tolerance level for these
continued shenanigans is right here.
She holds up her hand at chest level.
(CONTINUED)
59.
47 CONTINUED: 47
DANNY
Did you just say shenanigans?
KATHERINE
I did and if I get to here
(motions to her forehead)
I am selling you out, packing up
the blackmailers and coming home,
got it?
DANNY
L
Got it. Shenanigans bad, gotta keep
ig
the hand down.
A
Palmer who had been buying magazines then comes up to him and
takes his hand.
TI
nd
ge
PALMER
od
I’m so glad we’re doing this,
EN
D
Danny. You and your kids will have
ew
time together and start the
healing. dr *
An
Ke
She smiles seductively at him.
E:
D
AM
DANNY
N
And I think you and me will find a *

ER
FI
way to have some fun, too. *

D
EN
As they are about to kiss we hear...

/S
N
a
ER
AUSTRIAN ACCENT
D
Wait up!!!! WAIT UP!!!! HOLD ON!

O
EA
VUNDERBAR.
ci
R
They all slowly turn and see EDDIE HEADING TOWARDS THEM,
C
wearing coke bottle glasses, smoking a pipe.

tri
He grabs a shocked Katherine and kisses her right on the

mouth long and hard. She doesn’t know what is going on. He
then pulls away and puts his arm around her.
EDDIE
Pa
(slight Austrian accent)

Muffinstein, I couldn’t stand to be
without you!
Then Eddie makes his way over to Palmer and Danny.
EDDIE (CONT’D)
There he is: Colonel von Generous.
The most gracious, caring man... So *
wise, so HONEST - an ubermensch! So,
vunderbar news, I have decided to
take you up on your amazing offer.
(CONTINUED)
60.
47 CONTINUED: 47
DANNY
That’s so great. ...What offer?
EDDIE
Your offer for me to join you on
your trip and get to know you and
der kinder.
(to Palmer)
I am sorrys. I am not introduce
myself. I am the Dolph Lundgren.
Devlin’s man-friend.
L
ig
KATHERINE
A
Oh, kill me now. *
They all turn and look at her. She covers.
TI
nd
ge
od
Kill me now, for not introducing
EN
D
you. This is my man-friend. Yay.
ew
dr
Katherine then glares at Danny wanting to kill him.
An
Ke
PALMER
E:
D
Dolph, I’m Palmer. Devlin said you

AM
had to stay back and work.

N
ER
FI
EDDIE
D
Nein! Screw that noise, I vork ven I’m

EN
kaput.
/S
N
a
ER
Eddie laughs with a German accent. He takes a huge puff on

D
his pipe, triggering a coughing fit.

O
EA
ci
R
PALMER
I think that is so mature of all of
C
you. My brothers and I would have

loved it if my parents had done
tri
something like this when they got

divorced.
EDDIE
Yes, for the childrens much
Pa
happiness I will bring them. And I

couldn’t stay away from this
potato pancake.
He begins licking Katherine’s ear as she stares daggers at
Danny.
EDDIE (CONT’D)
Mmmm... Looking forward to trying
out my new schnitzel...
KATHERINE
Excuse us for a moment.
(CONTINUED)
61.
47 CONTINUED: 47
And Katherine pulls Eddie aside.
What the hell are you doing here?!
EDDIE
Helping? Saving the day? Hello?
(then)
You look different.
KATHERINE
L
Different how?
ig
A
EDDIE
Hotter than normal. Usually you
look beaten down and tired with
TI
nd
some bitter thrown in.
ge
od
Katherine glares at Eddie for a beat.
EN
D
ew
KATHERINE dr
Ok, you’re going to say you ate *
An
Ke
some bad sauerkraut for breakfast,
and you need to go home
E:
D
immediately.
AM
N
EDDIE
ER
FI
I can’t. I texted a picture of my

D
new equipment to my old girlfriend,

EN
but I forgot she’s married... to a

/S
N
UFC fighter. I need to lay low for

a
ER
a few days.
D
O
EA
Danny pipes in.

ci
R
DANNY
C
How we doing over there?

tri
EDDIE
Yavohl! I am just waiting for the
money for my ticket now please.
Danny sighs and holds up his Black Card.
Pa
EDDIE (CONT’D)
Thank you. By the way Dolph only
flies...
(gestures toward ticket
counter)
First Class! First Class! First *
Class!... *
Eddie, clapping his hands, gets the kids to join him in *
chanting “First Class!” Katherine looks at Danny and raises *
her hand to her neck and walks off. *
48 EXT. GRAND WAILEA RESORT/ENTRANCE - DAY 48

A five-star resort right on the beach. As they all get out of
the van and take in the hotel.
A49 INT. GRAND WAILEA RESORT/LOBBY - DAY A49 *
MAGGIE
Blimey! This place must have set
you back a few quid, guv’na.
L
Danny glares at the kid.
ig
A
DANNY
Nothing’s too good for Daddy’s
little girl.
TI
nd
ge
And Palmer hugs Danny then goes to look around. When she is
od
gone Michael looks up at Danny.
EN
D
ew
MICHAEL dr
So when do I get to swim with the
An
dolphins?
Ke
E:
D
AM
DANNY
At the end of the trip, you little
N
weasel - if you perform flawlessly

ER
FI
this entire week.

D
EN
MICHAEL
/S
N
But I--
a
ER
D
DANNY
O
EA
(loud, for Palmer’s

ci
R
benefit)
I agree, Bart - we should wait til
C
the end of the week to swim with

the dolphins. That way you have
tri
something to look forward to.

MICHAEL
Glad you agree, Dad.
Pa
Palmer smiles at Danny. Michael makes a face. Danny smiles

victoriously.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
(low again)
Nicely played.
DANNY
I thought so.
MICHAEL
I’ll be back.
B49 INT. CHECK-IN DESK - DAY B49 *

Danny looks scared for a second then hands his black card to
the CHECK IN CLERK.
L
ig
A
TI
nd
ge
od
EN
D
ew
dr
An
Ke
E:
D
AM
N
ER
FI
D
EN
/S
N
a
ER
D
O
EA
ci
R
C
tri
Pa
(CONTINUED)
63.
48 CONTINUED: 48
DANNY
Maccabee. We need two rooms. *
The CLERK starts to look through at the reservation.
CLERK
Yes. Unfortunately, we only have our
suites left. The Presidential and
the Ambassador. Are you a member of *
the Hilton Rewards Program? *
L
DANNY *
ig
No I’m not. *
A
CLERK *
Oh, you should join, so next time *
TI
nd
you won’t get so -- *
ge
od
DANNY
EN
D
“F’d in the a”?
ew
CLERK dr
An
Ouchie.
Ke
E:
D
AM
Danny, annoyed, grabs the keys from him.

N
PALMER
ER
FI
(excited)
D
Who wants to go swimming?

EN
/S
N
The kids both excitedly raise their hands.

a
ER
D
KIDS
O
EA
Me!!!
ci
R
They head off.

C
DANNY
tri
Who wants to start drinking?

KATHERINE AND EDDIE
Me.
Pa
They head for the bar.

49 EXT. BEACH - A MINUTE LATER 49
Waves crash. Palmer plays with the kids in the water. They
laugh and have fun. Danny, Katherine and Eddie sit on lounge
chairs drinking drinks out of coconuts watching. Katherine *
is drinking two. *
EDDIE
I can’t believe how many sexy
frauleins there are running around.
(CONTINUED)
49 CONTINUED: 49
DANNY
First of all, when Palmer’s not
around, lose the stupid accent.
Between you and Oliver Twist over
there, I feel like I’m in a World
War II movie. Secondly, there will
be no frauleins for you this week.
This week you are in love with
Devlin here.
KATHERINE
L
But the kind of love where there’s
ig
no touching whatsoever. A no-
A
contact love.
EDDIE
TI
nd
You helped build this schnitzel. *
ge
Why are you so afraid of it?
od
EN
D
DANNY
ew
Hey, hey, let’s focus on the
mission: we are here to show Palmer
dr
An
how happy you guys are and what a
Ke
good father I am. That’s it.
E:
D
AM
KATHERINE
N
Okay, and then say this works and

ER
FI
you and Barbie up together: how are

D
you going explain the kids

EN
disappearing after this? I mean

/S
they can’t be at wizard boarding

N
a
ER
school all year.

D
O
EA
DANNY
ci
I was thinking about killing them.

R
Tragic accident on their way to

C
school in England -- say the van

plummets off a cliff into the ocean
or something.
tri
KATHERINE
Nice. So no bodies?
Pa
DANNY
No, sharks got them.
KATHERINE
Smooth.
DANNY
And I’m thinking about putting you
and Dolph in the van with them.
Katherine laughs momentarily forgetting that she is mad.
Then her cell phone rings. She answers, and she immediately
gets high-pitched and nervous.
(CONTINUED)
65.
49 CONTINUED: 49
KATHERINE
Hello? Oh, Hi... Great. How about
you?... Yeah, I’m actually not
alone right now...
DANNY
Who is that? Soul Patch?
Katherine nods yes. Danny gets up, disgusted.
DANNY (CONT’D)
L
Wow. Let’s take a walk, Dolph, and
ig
give her and the Doobie Brother *
A
some privacy. Just do me a favor,
Katherine, and count how many times
he says “far out”. I’m guessing
TI
nd
forty plus.
ge
od
Danny and Eddie walk away, as Katherine vibrates her palm
EN
D
next to her neck threateningly.
ew
A50 INT. LOBBY SHOPS - DAY dr A50
An
Ke
Eddie and Danny are standing outside some shops. Danny seems
E:
D
distracted by something he’s looking at.

AM
N
DANNY
ER
FI
I’m glad she divorced that other

D
shmuck, but if she ends up with

EN
this damn dirty hippie... I mean,

/S
N
that’s out of the frying pan, into

a
ER
the fire.
D
O
EA
EDDIE
ci
R
Yeah, why are we stopped here? *

C
REVEAL that Danny and Eddie are standing in front of a giant

display of engagement rings in a jewelry store window.
tri
DANNY
What, can’t a man check out some *
engagement rings?
Pa
EDDIE
Look all you want. But you and I
both know you’ll be sick of the
hottie and back out on the prowl by
next week. You’re like that song -
(singing)
Danny’s a big plastic surgeon,..
who never had time for a wife...
And he’s talking to Davey, who’s
still in the navy- *
DANNY
Are you kidding me? Piano Man?
(CONTINUED)
66.
A50 CONTINUED: A50
EDDIE
Well, a fun version of Piano Man.
DANNY
Look, I’ve been talking about my *
fake wife for, like, 20 years now. *
I always figured I’d get a real one
someday. I think Palmer could be
that real one. Did you hear any of *
that? *
L
REVEAL Eddie is doing an erotic dance for the 50 year old *
ig
Hawaiian jewelry store owner. *
A
B50 EXT. BEACH - DAY B50
TI
nd
Palmer in a bikini with the most amazing body comes out of
ge
the surf. She walks up the beach. Jaws drop everywhere.
od
EN
D
Katherine is back on her chair, a few more empty coconuts
ew
littering the sand around her. A HUGE WOMAN is sitting not
far from her, also watching Palmer.dr
An
Ke
HUGE WOMAN
E:
D
You know, it’s girls like that who

AM
make normal women like you and me

N
feel uncomfortable wearing a

ER
FI
bathing suit.
D
EN
KATHERINE
/S
N
I..... yeah.
a
ER
D
Danny and Eddie arrive and see Palmer approaching.

O
EA
ci
R
EDDIE
Okay, yeah I’d make up a fake
C
family for that. Boing!

tri
KATHERINE
You are both disgusting.
The kids coming running up, excited
Pa
MAGGIE
Mumsy, do come in. The water’s as *
lovely Westminster in May. *
Katherine is self conscious.
KATHERINE
No, I’m good. Don’t feel like
swimming right now.
EDDIE
(rubs her belly)
Don’t be intimidated, my liebchen.
I like the extra padding in your
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
67.
B50 CONTINUED: B50
EDDIE (CONT'D)
midshnipesin and your big, blubby
hindenburger.
Katherine stews. *
PALMER
Oh yeah, I’m sure she’s
intimidated. I hope when I’m her
age I look that good.
DANNY
L
You can, if...
ig
(doing Edith Bunker voice)
A
...you take the stairs instead of
the elevator! Like Cary Grant!
TI
nd
Katherine makes meaningful eye contact with Danny, holds her
ge
palm at the level of her neck, then raises it to about nose
od
level.
EN
D
ew
PALMER
dr
Anyway, there’s no more time for
An
swimming - we need to get ready for
Ke
the luau tonight.
E:
D
AM
DANNY
N
Luau?
ER
FI
D
PALMER
EN
Yeah, we’re in Hawaii. We have to go

/S
N
to a luau. It’s gonna be so great.

a
ER
D
EDDIE
O
EA
My treat! I insist!
ci
R
DANNY
C
Alright.
tri
EDDIE
Just kidding! I don’t have any
money!
Everyone laughs except Danny. For some reason the Huge Woman
Pa
is laughing, too.
50 EXT. GRAND WAILEA RESORT/HIKU RESTAURANT - NIGHT 50
A luau is going on. They all sit together. HULA GIRLS dance.
More drinks are drunk. A PIG is roasted in the ground.
PALMER
So, we’re here to get to know each
other better, so Dolph, let’s start
with you. What line of work are you *
in? *
(CONTINUED)
68.
50 CONTINUED: 50
EDDIE
I am in...Sheep, Palmer.
PALMER
I’m sorry, what does that mean?
DANNY
Yeah, Dolph, what does that mean?
EDDIE
I am a Sheep Shipper. In this
L
global vorld people don’t buy the
ig
sheep that they need from the local
A
sheep herder anymore.
KATHERINE
TI
nd
They don’t?
ge
od
EDDIE
EN
D
No, now they go ONLINE!!! To the interveb *
ew
to my vebensite... GOTPRETTYSHEEP.COM. *
dr
An
Ke
Katherine just stares at him then downs the rest of her drink
through a straw. The WAITER then refills her drink.
E:
D
AM
KATHERINE
N
Yeah, top that off. And keep them

ER
FI
coming.
D
EN
Palmer listens. Danny just stares at him in disbelief.

/S
N
a
ER
EDDIE
D
We don’t sell the ugly ones. The

O
EA
people they see the pictures and

ci
R
they pick out the one they want.

The stylish ones, the shy ones, the *
C
sassy ones. The big ones that they

can ride around on like wild pony.
tri
DANNY
Okay, well that’s enough getting to
know Dolph.
Pa
PALMER
Don’t be rude. Please continue, so *
then what do people do with the sheep?
EDDIE
Whatever they want! Some keep them as
pets. Some shave them and make sheep
sveaters. Some train them to fight one
anotha in sheep fight clubs.
PALMER
Sheep fight clubs?
(CONTINUED)
69.
50 CONTINUED: 50
EDDIE
Yes... Devlin bought a sheep from
me. That’s how ve met.
PALMER
Really. ...Why?
EDDIE
So she could shave it and wear the pelt
during the sex. She taught me this
fetish.
L
(to Katherine)
ig
I love your sex so much.
A
Eddie now leans in to kiss her. Katherine grabs his nipple
and twists it.
TI
nd
ge
EDDIE (CONT’D)
od
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.....
EN
D
ew
KATHERINE
dr
That’s our other fetish. Danny,
An
wanna come with me to get our kids
Ke
that you’ve raised from infancy
E:
D
some milk?
AM
N
DANNY
ER
FI
Of course. We’ll be right back.

D
EN
51 51
EXT. GRAND WAILEA RESORT/HIKU RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
/S
N
a
ER
She pulls him away from the table and then looks at him
D
pissed.
O
EA
ci
R
KATHERINE
Yeah, I’m done. I’m sorry, we’re
C
leaving.
tri
DANNY
What? No, you can’t! I’ll get him
under control. I’ll beat him up. You
can help - it’ll be fun. Katherine,
please-
Pa
Then from across the way they hear...

ANOTHER WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
Katherine? Katherine Murphy?
She looks to see a WOMAN quickly approaching. She is...
KATHERINE
Devlin Adams... Oh my God...
DANNY
Devlin Devlin? As in taking a-
(CONTINUED)
70.
51 CONTINUED: 51
KATHERINE
(cutting him off)
Taking a good look and seeing that, *
yes, it is my good friend Devlin
from college! Hi!
Devlin excitedly hugs Katherine.
DEVLIN
I can’t believe it! Both of us here at
this resort at the same time. I didn’t
L
know you went to places like this.
ig
A
KATHERINE
(under her breath)
Haha. Here it goes. *
TI
nd
ge
DEVLIN
od
Honey, I want you to meet someone.
EN
D
ew
Devlin brings over her husband, IAN MAXTONE-JONES, good
dr
looking, fit, intelligent. Excellent hair and teeth.
An
Ke
DEVLIN (CONT’D)
E:
D
This is one of my best friends from my *

AM
sorority, Katherine. Katherine, this *

N
is my husband, Ian Maxtone-Jones. You

ER
FI
might have heard of him, he invented

D
the iPod.
EN
/S
N
KATHERINE
a
ER
Of course he did. The iPod, wow.

D
O
EA
IAN
ci
R
The idea just came to me in the

shower - a shower I was taking with
C
Devlin.
tri
DEVLIN
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You look great. I’m so
glad you got your teeth fixed!
KATHERINE
Pa
Thanks. Aren’t you just the same...

DEVLIN
(oblivious)
Thank you. It’s a crime that we have to
fly all the way out to Hawaii to run
into you. They say all of LA is here
for the holiday and now I believe them.
Why did we fall out of touch?
KATHERINE
You know -- it’s a mystery.
(CONTINUED)
71.
51 CONTINUED: 51
DEVLIN
(not even listening)
Well, let me catch you up to date. I
created a website called
InnerBeauty.com; we review make-up and
hair care products. I’ve finally
reached a point where I’m ready to
sell, I just need to decide which offer
to accept. We haven’t had any children,
just living our lives. But we are
planning to start this trip. Right,
L
dear?
ig
A
IAN
Create a life, yes.
TI
nd
KATHERINE
ge
I’m so happy for you, Devlin.
od
EN
D
DEVLIN
ew
(grabbing her hand)
How long are you here for?
dr
An
Ke
KATHERINE
E:
D
Actually I was just getting ready

AM
to--
N
ER
FI
DEVLIN
D
Oh my God! I ran into Sandra Wernick

EN
last month. Poor thing is already

/S
divorced and she has a child. I always

N
a
ER
knew she wouldn’t come out right. Are you

married?
D
O
EA
ci
A beat. There it was. Bitch just started something.

R
C
KATHERINE
Um... yes.
tri
Katherine looks at Danny.

I am so rude, you were talking and
Pa
well I forgot to introduce you.

This is my husband, Danny.
Katherine then grabs Danny and snuggles up to him.
DANNY
What now?
KATHERINE
(nuzzles up to him,
whispering)
I will stay and do your thing if
you just go with it.
(CONTINUED)
72.
51 CONTINUED: 51
DANNY
(smiling)
Devlin, hi. We were just talking
about you the other day, in the
bathroom--
Katherine elbows him.
DEVLIN
(shaking his hand)
I knew that one day, Katherine
L
would meet someone who was man
ig
enough to deal with her morally
A
casual attitude in high school.
DANNY
TI
nd
Hey, if she’s good enough for the
ge
football team, she’s good enough
od
for me.
EN
D
ew
IAN
dr
So Danny, what line of work are you
An
in?
Ke
E:
D
DANNY
AM
I invented donuts.
N
ER
FI
KATHERINE
D
He’s a plastic surgeon. Or I

EN
should say, the plastic surgeon,

/S
N
according to Los Angeles magazine.

a
ER
D
DEVLIN
O
EA
Oh, how nice. Where do you

ci
R
practice? The Valley?

C
DANNY
Haha. Beverly Hills actually.
tri
DEVLIN
Ooooo. Touchdown. *
KATHERINE
Pa
Well, it was great running into you,

Devlin. We should get back to the kids.
DEVLIN
(a hint of envy)
You have kids?
KATHERINE
Yes. Two. We couldn’t wait to start
creating lives, so we created two of
them, eight years ago and ten years *
ago.
(CONTINUED)
73.
51 CONTINUED: 51
DEVLIN
Wow, you’ve been together a long
time.
DANNY
Yes, isn’t she beautiful? She still
gives me a hard-on every time I see her.
Danny forces a high-five from Ian.
DEVLIN
L
Well the four of us should get
ig
dinner some night while we’re here.
A
KATHERINE
Of course. That would be a dream.
TI
nd
If we ever leave the bedroom.
ge
od
Katherine smacks Danny’s ass.
EN
D
ew
DEVLIN dr
Katherine Murphy, look at you.
An
Ke
KATHERINE
E:
D
AM
It’s not Katherine Murphy anymore.

It’s Katherine Maccabee.
N
ER
FI
They then head off. *

D
EN
DANNY *
/S
N
So what was that about? Why did

a
ER
you go fake husband on them?

D
O
EA
KATHERINE
ci
R
Because she’s successful and

married to someone even more
C
successful. And I am divorced with

two kids and working as an
tri
assistant to you. I don’t want her

judging me.
DANNY
(enjoying this)
Pa
Oh, so you need me now?

KATHERINE
(hating this)
Yes.
DANNY
How does it feel to need my help? *
KATHERINE
Did you ever slam a car door on
your soul? Kinda feels like that.
(CONTINUED)
74.
51 CONTINUED: 51
DANNY
Don’t worry, I’ll go big-time fake
husband for you. But now that I’m
returning the favor, I would appreciate a
better attitude. You’re in Hawaii for
free. Enjoy it!
KATHERINE
Fine!
DANNY
L
Yeah, it is fine!
ig
A
KATHERINE
I’m gonna love it!
TI
nd
DANNY
ge
Start now!
od
EN
D
KATHERINE
ew
On it!
dr
An
Wow! Ke
DANNY
E:
D
AM
KATHERINE *
N
Wheee! *
ER
FI
D
DANNY *
EN
I’m gonna go work on some index

/S
N
cards to keep all these lies

a
ER
straight! *
D
O
EA
KATHERINE *
ci
R
Make copies for me! *

C
Danny and Katherine walk back to the table. *

tri
52 EXT. HOTEL - DAWN - ESTABLISHING 52 *

The sun rises over the hotel. *
DANNY (O.C.) *
Pa
Oh my G-d, I’m so tired. Why’d you *

wake me up again? *
53 OMIT 53 *
54 INT. HOTEL LOBBY - MORNING 54 *
Palmer and a tired Danny walk through the lobby. *
PALMER
Because, Grandpa, I signed us up for *
the full day adventure tour - hiking
through the rainforest, kayaking down a
river, swimming under a waterfall...
(CONTINUED)
75.
54 CONTINUED: 54
DANNY
Swimming, or... skinny dipping, so you
can see Mr. Wiggles and the Fuzzy Twins
do their magic shakey dance again?
KATHERINE (O.S.)
I vote “swimming”. You can tell
Mr. Wiggles and the Fuzzy Twins
they’re staying inside today.
Danny turns to see Katherine and everyone waiting for them.
L
ig
EDDIE
A
I, however, am fine with your man-
nudity, Danny. Live as L Ron made you.
TI
nd
DANNY
ge
(not happy)
od
Right, of course. The family’s coming
EN
D
too. Getting to know each other...
ew
Gotta love it.
dr
An
BEGIN MONTAGE *
Ke
E:
D
55 OMIT 55 *
AM
N
55A EXT. TRAIL - DAY 55A

ER
FI
D
They hike into a beautiful rainforest.

EN
/S
N
MICHAEL *
a
ER
Is this where the blue Avatar *

D
people live? *
O
EA
ci
R
MAGGIE *
It’s bloody gorgeous... *
C
Palmer smiles at Danny. *

tri
55B EXT. CLIFF - DAY 55B

They are climbing a rocky cliff wall.
Pa
55C EXT. MOUNTAIN STREAM - DAY 55C

They are using a rope/monkey bar to cross a mountain stream.
Danny is starting to struggle a bit. Katherine is doing
great, keeping up with Palmer.
55D EXT. MEADOW - DAY 55D
They are riding horses across a sunny meadow.
55E EXT. RAINFOREST TRAIL - DAY 55E
(CONTINUED)
55E CONTINUED: 55E
They are climbing up an insanely steep hill, Palmer and Danny *
in the lead. Danny’s breathing pretty heavy.
PALMER
Isn’t this awesome?
DANNY
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You know,
I should probably walk in back,
behind the kids, just in case they
lose their footing.
L
ig
PALMER
A
Oh yeah, of course.
Danny stops so the kids can catch up. As soon as Palmer’s
TI
nd
gone, he bends over and vomits, exhausted.
ge
od
As Katherine passes by briskly, she tosses him a piece of
EN
D
gum.
ew
KATHERINE dr
An
Ke
(doing old lady voice)
Should have listened to Cary
E:
D
Grant...
AM
N
DANNY
ER
FI
Shut up.
D
EN
56 OMIT 56
/S
N
a
ER
57 EXT. RIVER/KAYAKS - A FEW MINUTES LATER 57

D
O
EA
They are kayaking down a beautiful river. Katherine slows

ci
R
down so Danny catches up. He’s sweating profuciously.

C
KATHERINE
Just tell her you need a break.
tri
She’ll understand.
DANNY
(breathing heavy)
Yeah, she’ll understand I’m too old
Pa
for her.
MAGGIE
If she’s really worth killing
yourself over, she wouldn’t want
you to kill yourself.
DANNY
Thank you, Grandma. Look, she just
wants to see that I’m spending
quality time with you kids. So
make it look like you’re having a
blast ASAP, I won’t die, and
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
77.
57 CONTINUED: 57
DANNY (CONT'D)
there’s an extra hundred for both
of you.
The kids bump fists.
Maggie and Michael begin splashing Danny furiously. *
MAGGIE
(overdoing it)
Oh, splashing with Fatha, how
special. We are making memories right
L
now, you guys!!! Magical memories!
ig
A
Danny turns back to Palmer and shoots her a slightly dramatic
“isn’t-this-the-best?” look.
TI
nd
Katherine just shakes her head.
ge
od
Eddie, seated behind Palmer, notices that the crack of her
EN
D
ass is sticking out of the suit, and he enjoys the view.
ew
EDDIE
dr *
An
Ke
Eepin, gleepin, glaupin, globin! *
E:
D
AM
WHACK! Eddie gets hit in the head with a paddle.

N
WIDEN TO REVEAL it’s Katherine. She smiles. *

ER
FI
D
58 EXT. TRAIL NEAR WATERFALL - DAY 58 *

EN
/S
N
They are walking in the rainforest. Even Palmer looks a

a
ER
little winded now. Maggie is riding piggy-back on Danny,

D
still over-acting.
O
EA
ci
R
MAGGIE
Piggy-back times are magical times!
C
DANNY
tri
Aren’t they?
(sotto voce)
You’re warping my spine. Get off.
Danny throws her into a bush, and rolls out laughing. *
Pa
As they walk toward the sound of a rushing waterfall, Palmer

talks to Katherine.
PALMER
This is like paradise.
KATHERINE
(blown away)
It is, it doesn’t look real.
(getting emotional for *
real) *
I’m sorry. *
(CONTINUED)
78.
58 CONTINUED: 58
PALMER
Are you okay?
KATHERINE
Yeah, it’s just... I didn’t get to
see amazing things like this the
last time I was here.
PALMER
You’ve been to Maui before?
L
KATHERINE
ig
Yeah. On my honeymoon. It was just
A
so... He was really preoccupied *
with work. Taking calls all the
time. I just spent a lot of it on
TI
nd
my own in our room. Read alot of
ge
good books though.
od
EN
D
DANNY
ew
On your honeymoon? What a jackass.
dr
An
Everyone looks at him. Then he remembers.
Ke
E:
D
DANNY (CONT’D)
AM
...I was. Between that and the *

N
Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I can’t *

ER
FI
believe you didn’t divorce me right *

D
then and there. *

EN
/S
N
This makes Katherine even more emotional. He puts his hand *

a
ER
on her shoulder.
D
O
EA
KATHERINE *
ci
R
I should have, I should have left. *

All the signs were there. *
C
DANNY
tri
I’m sorry.
KATHERINE
But if I left then I wouldn’t have *
had the kids. *
Pa
DANNY
That’s right. So now you got the *
kids, you got your freedom. *
Starting fresh. *
Katherine smiles at Danny.
KATHERINE *
Thank you. You’re much nicer now. *
(CONTINUED)
79.
58 CONTINUED: 58
PALMER
(teasing)
Uh-oh, you two aren’t going to get
back together are you?
DANNY
Hell, no. There’s so much anger
and badness between us.
KATHERINE
Yeah, I hate him.
L
ig
59 EXT. WATERFALL POOL - DAY - CONTINUOUS 59 *
A
They arrive at the base of the waterfall, which falls from a
great height into a clear, inviting pool right in front of
TI
nd
them.
ge
od
PALMER *
EN
D
Well, I don’t know about you guys, *
ew
but I’m going to cool off. *
dr
An
Ke
She takes off her t-shirt and short-shorts, revealing the
bikini underneath. The men stare.
*
*
E:
D
AM
KATHERINE *
N
(to Eddie) *
ER
FI
Does she ever wear anything but

D
that bikini?
EN
/S
N
EDDIE
a
ER
I’m praying for a g-string and a *

D
pirate hat. *
O
EA
ci
R
Palmer dives into the water. Then...

C
DANNY
Now, you go, Maggie. And scream “I
tri
love you, Dad!” on the way in.

Maggie joyfully runs and leaps into the pool, yelling...
MAGGIE
Pa
Daddy is me favorite adult!

DANNY
Ooo, that was actually better.
Palmer has swam over to the waterfall. She uses it to pull
her hair back. She looks spectacular. Katherine stews a
little.
DANNY (CONT’D)
Okay, Bart, you’re up.
But Michael just stands there.
(CONTINUED)
59 CONTINUED: 59
DANNY (CONT’D)
Go on, Mike.
Michael mumbles something.
DANNY (CONT’D)
What was that?
MICHAEL
Water’s too deep.
L
DANNY
ig
The water’s too deep? What do--
A
KATHERINE
He can’t swim, Danny.
TI
nd
ge
DANNY
od
He can’t?
EN
D
(to Michael)
ew
How were you going to swim with the
dr
dolphins?
An
Ke
MICHAEL
E:
D
AM
Hadn’t thought it through.

N
DANNY
ER
FI
So you can’t swim even a little?

D
Nobody ever taught you?

EN
/S
N
MICHAEL
a
ER
My dad’s supposed to. But he...

D
he’s busy.
O
EA
ci
R
Danny shoots a sympathetic look at Katherine. She just

shakes her head.
C
EDDIE
tri
Your mom can’t teach you?

KATHERINE
He’s waiting for his dad.
Pa
Palmer pulls herself onto a sunny rock on the other side of

the pool. She looks amazing. She waves to Danny.
PALMER
Come on in, you guys! The water
feels magical!
EDDIE
As does my ass-dick. *
He high-fives Danny. Katherine has had enough.
(CONTINUED)
59 CONTINUED: 59
KATHERINE
(kneels down to Michael)
Is it okay if Mommy goes in and
feel the magic for a minute? Can
you stay here with fake Daddy?
MICHAEL
Sure.
She takes off her shorts and blouse. Underneath she’s
wearing a swimsuit. Her body is SMOKING. Danny and Eddie
L
are floored.
ig
A
Katherine dives in.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
TI
nd
Did you know my Mom was hiding that
ge
sick body under there?
od
EN
D
DANNY
ew
No, son. I wish you would have
told me. dr
An
(watches Katherine swim)
Ke
Man, I gotta start taking the
E:
D
stairs.
AM
N
MICHAEL
ER
FI
Don’t buy that line. She takes

D
spinning classes like they’re M&Ms.

EN
/S
N
EDDIE (O.C.)
a
ER
Giddyup! Here I come!

D
O
EA
DANNY
ci
R
(covering Michael’s eyes)

Dear l-rd...
C
We see a quick glimpse of Eddie, buck naked, running and

tri
leaping into the pond. He has a huge gauze pad on his ass. *
EDDIE
Achtung below!
Pa
In the water, Palmer turns to Katherine.

PALMER
He has a lot of courage running
around naked with what he’s
packing.
KATHERINE
You should have seen it before.
60 EXT. HOTEL - SUNSET 60
Danny and Palmer are getting out of the Jeep in front of the
hotel at the end of the exhausting day.
(CONTINUED)
82.
60 CONTINUED: 60
DANNY
Good lord, I’m tired. You know *
what we should do now? Take a *
little nappy-poo. *
PALMER
Isn’t it our night to take care of
the kids?
DANNY
By “the kids” I hope you’re
L
referring to the Fuzzy Twins.
ig
A
PALMER
No, Devlin and Dolph had them last
night. It’s our turn. Isn’t that
TI
nd
how you guys set it up - you
ge
alternate?
od
EN
D
DANNY
ew
But Devlin likes to sleep near the *
dr
children at night. She’s very *
An
peculiar like that. *
Ke
E:
D
Palmer turns to Eddie and Katherine.

AM
N
PALMER
ER
FI
Devlin, Dolph: would you like us to

D
have the kids tonight so you can

EN
have some “alone time”?

/S
N
a
ER
Katherine looks stricken, but Eddie blurts out:

D
O
EA
EDDIE
ci
R
Absoshnutely! *
C
CUT TO:
tri
61 INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 61

Katherine, Michael and Maggie are entering Danny and Palmer’s
hotel room. Michael and Maggie are in their pajamas and
carrying backpacks. Katherine looks nervous.
Pa
KATHERINE
Well guys, I guess this is it.
PALMER
Don’t worry, Devlin - you and Dolph
just enjoy each other. This is
gonna be great. Kids, I cut up some
fresh pineapple for you. Do you
guys like pineapple?
MICHAEL
Can you make a shoe smell?
(CONTINUED)
83.
61 CONTINUED: 61
DANNY
Okay. And we ordered Kiki three *
quesadillas, because she loves *
quesadillas so much. *
Maggie sticks her tongue out at Danny (Palmer can’t see).
PALMER
Hey, let’s check out the balcony -
I think I saw some dolphins out in
the bay.
L
ig
Palmer leads Michael and Maggie into the next room. Danny
A
stands there with Katherine.
DANNY
TI
nd
I don’t have to worry about
ge
diapers, or any potty-related
od
stuff, do I?
EN
D
ew
KATHERINE
dr
They’re good to go. But if
An
anything happens, and I mean
anything-- Ke
E:
D
AM
DANNY
N
No, no, no - it’s all gonna be

ER
FI
fine. I used to babysit my cousin

D
Eddie when we were kids-- *

EN
/S
N
KATHERINE
a
ER
And look how he turned out!

D
O
EA
DANNY
ci
R
Palmer’s a teacher - she’s great *

with kids. You just enjoy the
C
night off, Mommy. What are you

gonna do? Watch TV? Shock people *
tri
with your sneaky perfect body?

KATHERINE
I’m gonna stare out the window and
worry.
Pa
DANNY
Aw come on, how much worse could I
be than Rosa? Why don’t you just
have a platonic dinner with my
cousin? I know he’s not Brian, the
Foghat roadie that time forgot...
KATHERINE
(smiles)
You really don’t like that I went
to lunch with him, do you?
(CONTINUED)
84.
61 CONTINUED: 61
DANNY
You actually went on a date with
him? That’s disgusting. Did all *
the food got caught in his soul
patch? Did he go on and on about *
his solar-powered beard trimmer? *
KATHERINE
He managed to get through lunch *
with a woman without making up a *
fake life for himself... *
L
ig
DANNY
A
Oh, that was not nice... *
KATHERINE
TI
nd
(sing-songy) *
ge
Truth hurts.... *
od
EN
D
62 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS 62
ew
dr
She leaves, still smiling. As the door closes behind her, we
An
see Eddie pop up and accost her in the hallway.
Ke
E:
D
EDDIE
AM
Alone at last, my little

N
Jagermeistress...
ER
FI
D
She punches him in the stomach. He doubles over. The door *

EN
shuts.
/S
N
a
ER
63 INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT - AN HOUR LATER 63 *

D
O
EA
Danny, Palmer, Maggie and Michael are eating popcorn and

ci
R
playing a game.
C
PALMER
You guys having fun? *
tri
DANNY
Yeah, yeah, they’re having fun. *
They like this game. Let’s keep *
playing.
Pa
Palmer picks up a card.

PALMER
(reading)
“What is something that makes you
happy?”
DANNY
Hiking. Kayaking. Waterfalls.
He smiles at Palmer.
(CONTINUED)
85.
63 CONTINUED: 63
MAGGIE
The theatre. And quesadillas. *
MICHAEL
That time I watched a baseball game
with my dad.
Palmer thinks it is sweet. But Danny feels bad because he
knows this doesn’t happen often.
MAGGIE
L
Okay, I pick.
ig
(takes card, reads)
A
“If you could be one person besides
yourself, who would you be?”
TI
nd
PALMER
ge
Rachael Ray - cause I’ve always *
od
wanted to learn how to cook. *
EN
D
Danny?
ew
DANNY dr
An
I like me. I wouldn’t want to be
Ke
anyone else. So I’m going to go
E:
D
with “me”. Or Captain Kirk.

AM
N
PALMER
ER
FI
There you go. Bart?

D
EN
MICHAEL
/S
N
Mr. DeCesare.
a
ER
D
MAGGIE
O
EA
Mr. DeCesare our mailman? Why?

ci
R
MICHAEL
C
He just seems like he’s got it all

figured out.
tri
They all take this in.

DANNY
Okay, here we go...
Pa
(takes card, reads)

Oh, this one’s lame.
He starts to put it back on the pile, but Palmer stops him.
PALMER
No, can’t do that - gotta read the
card you picked.
DANNY
Alright...
(reading)
“Name something that makes you
sad.”
(CONTINUED)
86.
63 CONTINUED: 63
They all think for a bit.
MAGGIE
That Judi Dench has never won the
Oscar for Best Actress.
PALMER *
That N Sync broke up. *
DANNY *
Oh boy... *
L
ig
Palmer gives him a look. *
A
DANNY (CONT’D)
Oh boy, my turn. Um... when a girl *
TI
nd
I was in love with called me *
ge
zucchini nose.
od
EN
D
PALMER
ew
Why would anyone call you zucchini
dr
nose?
An
Ke
DANNY
E:
D
AM
They wouldn’t. I’m just saying it

would be sad if they did. Bart,
N
what about you?

ER
FI
D
MICHAEL
EN
I don’t want to say mine.

/S
N
a
ER
PALMER
D
No, it’s okay, honey. There’s

O
EA
nothing you can’t share.

ci
R
Michael stares at his shoes.

C
MICHAEL
tri
When my Dad doesn’t have time for

me.
Palmer looks at Danny angry. Danny glares at Michael. *
Pa
MAGGIE
It’s okay. We’re gonna make it. *
We don’t need him in our lives. *
Maggie hugs Michael, and they both start crying. *
64 INT. HOTEL ROOM - LIVING ROOM AREA - NIGHT 64
It’s dark. Maggie and Michael are on cots. Danny is tucking
them in.
DANNY
Alright, that was a setback...
(CONTINUED)
87.
64 CONTINUED: 64
MAGGIE
We’re sorry. *
DANNY
No, no, I know you guys are dealing *
with real issues with your parents. *
And I feel for you. But you wanted *
this, to come “swim with the
dolphins” or “stand with the
dolphins” cause you don’t know how
to swim. Plus, you’re getting well
L
paid for this, so you have to be
ig
professional, at least for another
A
two days, until I can kill you off
in a boarding school train
accident.
TI
nd
ge
MICHAEL
od
I thought it was a car accident.
EN
D
ew
DANNY
I’m still noodling with the exact
dr
An
cause of death. But I need you to
Ke
focus. Can you handle that? *
E:
D
AM
MAGGIE AND MICHAEL

N
Yes.
ER
FI
D
DANNY
EN
Then start laughing and hug me.

/S
N
a
ER
They do. Palmer opens the door and sees this. Danny smiles
at her and shrugs.
D
O
EA
ci
R
PALMER
I just got off the phone with your
C
mom, kids. You’re going to have

plenty of time with your dad
tri
tomorrow, because she and I are

gonna have a nice long spa day.
DANNY
Oh, awesome.
Pa
65 OMIT 65
66 EXT. RESORT - MORNING 66
Danny is walking toward a putting green with Maggie and
Michael. He’s carrying a camera and a three putters.
MICHAEL
What are we doing?
DANNY
Palmer left her camera behind. So
she’s going to have a little
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
88.
66 CONTINUED: 66
DANNY (CONT'D)
surprise waiting for her when she
gets back.
MAGGIE
A stolen camera?
DANNY
No. Shots of you guys and me
having lots of reassuring fun.
MICHAEL
L
I forgot to flush the toilet before
ig
I left the hotel, so she’s gonna
A
have two surprises.
Danny sets the camera on a beach chair. He goes onto the
TI
nd
green with the kids, and hands them both a putter.
ge
od
DANNY
EN
D
Remember big smiles. We’re having a *
ew
blast. Michael, cheat out. *
dr
An
Ke
They all smile ridiculously and pose for the picture. Danny
has a tiny remote control in his hand to take the picture.
E:
D
AM
DANNY (CONT’D)
N
Okay, Michael just made a long

ER
FI
putt. Reactions!
D
EN
Michael thrusts his fists in the air. Danny and Maggie look
/S
N
shocked and amazed. CLICK.

a
ER
D
DANNY (CONT’D)
O
EA
Now Maggie swung the club too hard

ci
R
and fell over. Go!

C
Maggie assumes a fallen position. Michael points at her,

very amused. Danny tries to stifle a laugh. They freeze in
tri
these positions. CLICK.

DANNY (CONT’D)
Okay, I just said something
hilarious. Everybody laugh. Now! *
Pa
MICHAEL
Why are we always laughing? Is
there something wrong with us?
DANNY
You’re easily amused. Let’s go. I
want big belly laughs, not little
titters.
MAGGIE
I can’t do this out of context. I
need to summon the memory of
something really funny...
(CONTINUED)
89.
66 CONTINUED: 66
DANNY
You don’t know how to fake a laugh?
You’ve never had a ten-minute *
conversation with a barber before? *
MICHAEL
Can we take a break? Do something
fun?
DANNY
We’re not here for fun, homeboy.
L
ig
MAGGIE
A
Don’t worry we never have fun with *
our real dad either.
TI
nd
Danny looks at them. Michael looks away. Danny feels bad and
ge
makes a decision. He’s not gonna be like him.
od
EN
D
DANNY
ew
All right, new plan. I’m going to
dr
teach you how to swim before your
An
mother gets back...
Ke
(looks at watch)
E:
D
...in four hours.

AM
N
67 EXT. AMAZING POOL - DAY 67

ER
FI
D
Danny, Michael, Maggie and Eddie, all in swimwear, are

EN
approaching the resort’s massive pool complex.

/S
N
a
ER
EDDIE
D
How are we going to teach a kid to

O
EA
swim in four hours?

ci
R
DANNY
C
The same way Grandpa Ed taught us.

tri
EDDIE
Oh yeah... I remember that scary
day.
DANNY
Pa
He did it in eight hours. But

there’s two of us. And we’re
sober. Now go get into position.
Eddie heads off in another direction. Danny and the kids
walk up to the equipment booth.
DANNY (CONT’D)
Aloha, ma’am. We’re gonna need
three towels and a set of floaties.
(CONTINUED)
90.
67 CONTINUED: 67
MICHAEL
I’m not wearing floaties!
(looking around)
Nobody else is wearing them. *
Danny ponders this...
CUT TO:
68 EXT. POOLSIDE - DAY 68
L
Danny, Maggie and Michael are walking along the side of a
ig
huge pool. They are ALL wearing different kinds of floaties.
A
They stop.
MICHAEL
TI
nd
It took my friend a whole summer to
ge
learn how to swim. How you gonna
od
teach me so quick?
EN
D
ew
DANNY dr
It’s an intensive program.
An
Ke
Danny pushes Michael into the pool.
E:
D
AM
As Michael sputters to the surface, Eddie is there in the

N
water to grab him, wearing goggles.

ER
FI
D
EDDIE
EN
Extremely intensive.
/S
N
a
ER
69 INT. HOTEL SPA - DAY 69

D
O
EA
Palmer and Katherine sit next to each other in robes getting

ci
R
mani-pedis. It’s a little awkward. Neither knows what to say.

C
PALMER
Thanks for doing this with me
tri
today.
KATHERINE
Are you kidding, a spa day away
from the kids? Come on, thank you.
Pa
They both then just sit there. It is awkward.

PALMER
I have to admit, you were a little
intimidating when we first met. But
now that I’ve gotten to know you, I
just think you’re so cool, and great
with your kids.
KATHERINE
Well, when Danny first told me
about you - specifically how old
you were - I thought, “Oh brother”.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
91.
69 CONTINUED: 69
KATHERINE (CONT'D)
But after spending time with you, I
get it; I can totally see why he *
fell for you.
PALMER *
You just made me feel so good, *
Devlin. *
70 EXT. POOL - DAY 70 *
Danny is in the pool with Maggie and Michael. Eddie is
L
sitting on the edge nearby, about five feet away.
ig
A
DANNY
You are doing unbelievable, kiddo.
Now I want you to swim over to
TI
nd
Eddie. If you make it to him
ge
without touching the bottom, he’s
od
going to give you a dolphin cookie.
EN
D
ew
Eddie waves a small dolphin-shaped cookie.
dr
An
Ke
MAGGIE
Is that what your Grandpa gave you?
E:
D
AM
DANNY
N
No, Grandpa gave me something

ER
FI
called a “Heineken”. *
D
EN
MICHAEL
/S
N
I want one of those!

a
ER
D
DANNY
O
EA
No, let’s stick with the cookie. *

ci
R
Now I know you can do this. Now *

take a deep breath and stay *
C
relaxed. *
tri
Michael takes a deep breath, and goes. There’s a lot of

splashing, and it’s not fast, or pretty, but he makes it over
to Eddie.
Danny and Maggie clap and wade over quickly to celebrate
Pa
Michael. Eddie hands Michael the cookie, which he happily

eats.
DANNY (CONT’D)
Why do you want to swim with the
dolphins? You are a dolphin!
EDDIE
Look at Mr. Dad over here. Maybe *
you are ready to settle down.
DANNY
I don’t know why you have such a
hard time believing that.
(CONTINUED)
92.
70 CONTINUED: 70
MAGGIE
(calling over)
Dr. Maccabee, when we get out of
the pool, can we get some
quesadillas? I’m starving! *
DANNY
You got it, Mags.
(to Eddie)
I’m pretty good at being a family
man, aren’t I?
L
ig
EDDIE
A
You are. Maybe you should pick up
one of those rings you were looking
at.
TI
nd
ge
DANNY
od
If I had five minutes alone, maybe
EN
D
I could.
ew
71 INT. SPA - DAY dr 71
An
Ke
Katherine and Palmer are now getting massages from two *
E:
D
Hawaiian ladies. *
AM
N
PALMER *
ER
FI
Hey, can I ask you something, *

D
Devlin? It’s Danny’s birthday next *

EN
week, and I have no idea what to *

/S
N
get him. *
a
ER
D
KATHERINE *
O
EA
Well, don’t get him a tie, cause he *

ci
R
never wears one. In fact, I *

wouldn’t get him any clothes at *
C
all. He likes to pick out his own *

stuff - he’s like a 14 year old *
tri
girl about it. It’s both pathetic *

and hilarious. *
PALMER *
Uh-huh... That’s good to know. *
Pa
KATHERINE *
Let’s see... He likes books on *
tape, for his car. Really violent, *
stupid video games. Fishing *
equipment, even though he’s afraid *
to take a fish off a hook. Football *
cards from the 70s. Milky Ways, *
Marathon Bars, Sweet Tarts... *
PALMER *
It’s crazy, you know everything *
about him! *
(CONTINUED)
93.
71 CONTINUED: 71
Katherine thinks about her connection with Danny... then: *
KATHERINE *
Well, I’ve known the man a long *
time. *
PALMER *
(lowering voice) *
Did he do that “Mr. Wiggles and the *
Fuzzy Twins magic shaky dance” for *
you when you were together? It *
L
really grosses me out when he does *
ig
that. *
A
KATHERINE *
Maybe you should buy him a sock, *
TI
nd
then. *
ge
od
72 EXT. POOL - DAY 72 *
EN
D
ew
Danny, Michael and Maggie are now in the middle of the pool.
dr
Eddie is sitting on the edge of the pool, about 20 feet away.
An
Danny calls over to him.
Ke
E:
D
DANNY
AM
How many more of those dolphin

N
cookies have you got?

ER
FI
D
EDDIE
EN
Maybe 20.
/S
N
a
ER
Danny turns to Michael.

D
O
EA
DANNY
ci
R
What do you think? That’s about 20

feet. 20 cookies for 20 feet. You
C
want to rest a little first?

tri
Michael looks at the distance; it seems like a mile. But he

mans up.
MICHAEL
Let’s do this.
Pa
DANNY
That’s my boy. He’s ready to rock.
MICHAEL
Almost.
He smiles at Danny... and takes his floaties off.
DANNY
Wow... My man is serious!
(CONTINUED)
94.
72 CONTINUED: 72
EDDIE
(fake mic)
Off come the floaties! Off come
the floaties!
MAGGIE
You sure about this, Michael?
He nods. He looks up at Danny - for the first time we see
unbridled joy and happiness in the normally glum kid’s face.
L
Danny smiles back. We can tell he is really falling for these
ig
kids. It’s a nice moment between them.
A
DANNY
This is it - your final exam. And
TI
nd
I believe...
ge
(looking at watch)
od
...three hours and fifty-two
EN
D
minutes would be a new world
ew
record.
dr
An
Michael nods and lowers his goggles. He takes a deep breath -
and takes off. Ke
E:
D
AM
Katherine and Palmer come around the corner and see this.
N
Katherine puts her hand over her mouth - shocked, nervous,

ER
FI
excited.
D
EN
Michael swims slowly, splashily - 5 feet, 6 feet, 7...

/S
N
a
ER
DANNY (CONT’D)
D
Keep going, pal! You got it!

O
EA
ci
R
10 feet, 11 feet, 12... slowing...

C
EDDIE
All you baby, all you!
tri
14 feet, 15 feet, 16... stopping...

KATHERINE
Go, sweetheart! Go!
Pa
MICHAEL’S POV - he sees his mom cheering him on.

He gets a burst of energy - 17 feet, 18, 19... He touches the
side.
The family and even strangers cheer and clap.
Danny, proud and happy, wades over to Michael and hugs him.
ANGLE ON Palmer, looking at him with love.
PAN TO Katherine - uh oh - looking at him with love, too.
(CONTINUED)
95.
72 CONTINUED: 72
PAN TO Devlin, standing right next to them. She’s in a
swimsuit and expensive-looking shades.
DEVLIN
What are we looking at?
Katherine reacts.
KATHERINE
Devlin! Whoa, you snuck up on me
there!
L
ig
DEVLIN
A
I did? Do you startle easily? I *
think that’s a sign of menopause. *
TI
nd
Devlin laughs at her little joke.
ge
od
PALMER
EN
D
Devlin?...
ew
KATHERINE
dr
An
Ke
Devlin, this is Palmer Dodge.
Palmer, this is Devlin, a friend of
E:
D
AM
mine from college.

N
DEVLIN
ER
FI
Aloha, Palmer. Are you the au

D
pair?
EN
/S
N
PALMER
a
ER
Actually, I’m the girlfriend.

D
O
EA
DEVLIN
ci
R
Who’s girlfriend?
C
Eddie fortuitously enters.

tri
EDDIE
Guten dag, I am Dolph, wilkommen.
And I must say, you are a beautiful-
DEVLIN
Pa
(cutting him off coldly,

showing ring on finger)
Married, flattered, thanks.
(to Katherine)
Where’s Danny?
KATHERINE
Right over there, teaching our son
to swim.
DEVLIN
(loudly, waving)
Hi, Doctor!
(CONTINUED)
96.
72 CONTINUED: 72
Danny looks over, absently waving back. When he sees who is
standing there, he gets a stricken look on his face.
KATHERINE
He watched the kids today so we
could have a girly spa/massage day.
DEVLIN
(genuinely impressed)
Gee, that’s... sweet.
(turns to Palmer)
L
So Palmer, how do you know the
ig
Maccabees?
A
PALMER
Well, I met Danny two weeks ago at
TI
nd
a party, and I met this wonderful
ge
woman a few days later.
od
EN
D
KATHERINE *
ew
Yeah, yeah, that made sense. *
dr
An
DEVLIN
Ke
She’s come a long way, this one. *
E:
D
And it looks like she’s hooked up

AM
with a pretty great guy. *

N
ER
FI
PALMER
D
Well, if you like sheep, he’s your

EN
man.
/S
N
a
ER
Eddie laughs nervously. Devlin looks at Danny, confused.

D
Danny shrugs.
O
EA
ci
R
DANNY
Hee-haw!
C
DEVLIN
tri
Wasn’t that a donkey?

Katherine laughs a little too loud.
PALMER
Pa
You know what’s crazy? I’ve never *

met anyone with the first name *
“Devlin” before, and your name is *
Devlin, and her name is--
Eddie pushes Palmer into the pool.
EDDIE
Ha-ha-ha. Me and Palmer have been
playing Bavarian Pool Rugby. She
let down her guard, ha-ha. Let me
go and collect my winnings.
(CONTINUED)
97.
72 CONTINUED: 72
Eddie jumps in and holds Palmer underwater, leaving Katherine
and Devlin alone.
KATHERINE
Isn’t Dolph a riot?
DEVLIN
For a foreigner. Look, something’s *
opened up in our schedule tonight -
Jim Nabors has strep throat, so
we’re good to go for dinner with
L
you and Danny - Oceanos at 7?
ig
A
KATHERINE
Tonight? Um... *
TI
nd
DEVLIN *
ge
Is it a bad night? Are you guys *
od
fighting? *
EN
D
ew
KATHERINE *
dr
No, no, we’ll be there. *
An
Ke
DEVLIN
E:
D
Perfect. I’m gonna go back to my *

AM
room and get ready. I’m in Room *

N
1200. The ones that end in “00”

ER
FI
are the suites. What room are you

D
in?
EN
/S
N
KATHERINE
a
ER
Well, Danny’s in the Presidential

D
Suite, which is too big to even

O
EA
have a number, and I’m... in the

ci
R
same room, of course. Which is

convenient for making love and
C
spending nice times together.

tri
DEVLIN
I’ll bet. Well, see you tonight.
Katherine smiles and gulps as Devlin takes off.
Pa
Palmer comes out of the water, gasping for air. *

73 OMIT 73
74 INT. DANNY AND PALMER’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS 74
We hear the shower running. Danny is on the phone with
Katherine. INTERCUT BETWEEN THE TWO.
DANNY
Why did you say yes? How are we
supposed to-- hold on.
(CONTINUED)
98.
74 CONTINUED: 74
Danny hides the phone quick as Palmer comes out wearing a
towel.
PALMER
That was little weird when Dolph
threw me in the pool.
DANNY
Well, he’s a sheep guy, a farm guy,
they do lot of rough-housing and
horse-play, I wouldn’t take it
L
personal.
ig
A
PALMER
Okay. So... I thought maybe tonight *
we could have a little you and me
TI
nd
time.
ge
od
She drops the towel.
EN
D
ew
DANNY
dr
Oooo, should I tell Mr. Wiggles--
An
Ke
PALMER
E:
D
(cutting him off)

AM
Please don’t.
N
ER
FI
DANNY
D
Oh, okay. I’ll see you in the

EN
shower.
/S
N
a
ER
Palmer goes back into the bathroom. Danny retrieves the

D
phone.
O
EA
ci
R
DANNY (CONT’D)
You gotta get us out of this *
C
dinner. I haven’t had a second *

alone with Palmer! *
tri
KATHERINE
Look, when this is done you’ll have
your precious Palmer. What am I
getting out of this? A sunburn and
Pa
a hangover! All I ask is this one

dinner so I can save face with this
awful woman!
DANNY
Well, what am I supposed to tell
Palmer?
KATHERINE
I’ll take care of that. Just put her on
the phone and say it’s for her.
DANNY
She’s in the shower.
(CONTINUED)
74 CONTINUED: 74
KATHERINE
You haven’t seen her naked yet?
Just go in the shower and give her
the damn phone.
A75 INT. DANNY AND PALMER’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS A75
Danny enters. Palmer is in the shower, singing along to N
Sync’s “Bye Bye Bye”, which is blasting on a boombox.
KATHERINE
L
Is she listening to N Sync?
ig
A
DANNY
(turning it down)
No, no, no...
TI
nd
(to Palmer)
ge
Phone for you.
od
EN
D
Palmer sticks her head out and takes the phone.
ew
PALMER dr
An
Hello...
Ke
(listens for a long time,
E:
D
then)
AM
Let me check with Danny.

N
(lowering phone, to Danny)

ER
FI
It’s Dolph. He wants to go to

D
dinner tonight and have some get-to-

EN
know-the-other-step-parent time.
/S
N
Says as the new ones in the family

a
ER
we should talk about how we are

going to be dealing with the kids.
D
O
EA
ci
R
DANNY
You cool with that?
C
PALMER
tri
As long as he doesn’t try to drown *

me again.
75 INT. KATHERINE’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS 75
Pa
In his room Eddie hangs up and gives Katherine a thumbs up.

EDDIE
What am I gonna say to her all night?
KATHERINE
Are you kidding me? You can spout
crazy nonsense for hours in
Eurotrashinese. Just do it
someplace far from here.
EDDIE
If I do good, can I sleep in the
bed with you tonight?
(CONTINUED)
100.
75 CONTINUED: 75
KATHERINE
Nope. You’re tub for life.
CUT TO the tub in the bathroom. There’s a pillow and
blankets in there.
76 EXT. RESORT - NIGHT 76
The sunsets over the water. Beautiful.
L
77 INT. OCEANO’S - NIGHT 77
ig
Danny and Katherine are dining with Devlin and Ian.
A
DANNY
TI
So Ian - the iPod, nice work. Did *
nd
they give you a bonus or a raise or
ge
something?
od
EN
D
IAN
ew
Let’s put it this way - I’ll never
dr
have to invent anything ever again.
An
Ke
But all the money from that has
enabled me to pursue my true
E:
D
AM
passion:
(they wait)
N
Rebuilding homes for victims of the

ER
FI
Belgian Earthquake.
D
EN
KATHERINE *
/S
N
Earthquake in Belgium? I didn’t

a
ER
hear about that.

D
O
EA
IAN
ci
R
Exactly. It’s not a “sexy” news

story, so the victims are
C
forgotten.
tri
DEVLIN
You say “Belgian” to most people,
they think “waffles”. We think
“sadness”.
Pa
IAN
They lost so much and we have so much.
DEVLIN
So much.
IAN
So I am just trying to give some of
that muchness back.
Ian tears up. Devlin hugs him.
(CONTINUED)
GREEN REVISED PAGES - 5/3/10 101.
77 CONTINUED: 77
DEVLIN
Isn’t he wonderful? Oh, look at us now,
Katherine - both so happily married.
Everything I always hoped for, right,
Yogi?
IAN
Right, Boo-Boo.
They start rubbing their noses together.
L
Under the table Danny texts KATHERINE: Was she this insane in
ig
college?
A
She reads it and texts back: I think I’m gonna devlin.
TI
nd
78 EXT. OUT OF THE WAY DIVE RESTAURANT - NIGHT 78
ge
od
Eddie and Palmer pull up. Palmer looks skeptically at it. It
EN
D
looks really seedy. And there are livestock milling around:
ew
chickens, cows, a sheep. dr
An
Ke
PALMER
This is it?
E:
D
AM
EDDIE
N
Yes, the hotel said it was amazing.

ER
FI
Unt also very far away.

D
EN
Palmer smiles trying to make the best of it.

/S
N
a
ER
79 INT. OCEANO’S 79 *
D
O
EA
Danny and Katherine down their drinks as Devlin talks.

ci
R
DEVLIN
C
So, Danny you’re a plastic surgeon;

how convenient for you,
tri
Katherine...
DANNY
Katherine? Are you kidding me? Her
good genes gave her everything she
Pa
needs. Her good genes, and

staircases.
IAN
Here, here. How about you, Daniel?
Ever do any work on yourself? Maybe
on the old nosey-poo?
DEVLIN
What a silly question, darling! If
a prominent surgeon like Danny had
given himself a nose job, he
certainly would’ve done a better
job than that!
(CONTINUED)
79 CONTINUED: 79
Devlin and Ian laugh; Katherine joins in at first, but then
looks at Danny and stops.
IAN
Sorry about that, Danny. She’s
incorrigible.
DEVLIN
It’s true. So how about me? What
would you do to “fix” me?
L
Danny looks her over.
ig
A
DANNY
Nothing.
TI
nd
Devlin looks at Ian triumphantly, but Danny continues.
ge
od
DANNY (CONT’D)
EN
D
I mean, the guy who did your arms
ew
took out too much fat, but that’s
dr
what sleeves are for. And going
An
Ke
through the armpits with your
breast implants isn’t too common
E:
D
anymore, but Dr. Bernardi doesn’t

AM
seem to want to move on from that

N
technique. That’s who did those,

ER
FI
right?
D
EN
DEVLIN
/S
N
(eager to change the

a
ER
subject)
D
So where did you two meet?

O
EA
ci
R
KATHERINE *
Oh, we met at a concert. *
C
DANNY *
tri
Sting, live at the Palladium, 1998. *

It was a benefit for the rainforest *
(to Ian) very sexy. *
KATHERINE *
Pa
Anyway, I was in the front row *

rocking out to”So LOnely” when all *
of a sudden Sting motions for me to *
come dance on stage. *
DEVLIN *
Really? You? *
(CONTINUED)
79 CONTINUED: 79
KATHERINE (CONT'D)
out and motions for me to come
dance on stage.
L
ig
A
TI
nd
ge
od
EN
D
ew
dr
An
Ke
E:
D
AM
N
ER
FI
D
EN
/S
N
a
ER
D
O
EA
ci
R
C
tri
Pa
(CONTINUED)
79 CONTINUED: 79
KATHERINE *
Yeah, really me.
(under her breath)
Armpit.
(back to normal)
So I started heading for the stage.
DANNY *
But then this drunken tramp next to *
her thinks that Sting was pointing *
at her and starts pulling on *
L
Katherine’s shirt. This chick wants *
ig
to fight and Katherine is missing *
A
her chance to get Stung. *
KATHERINE
TI
nd
So then all of a sudden, this
ge
gorgeous man grabs the drunken
od
woman and pulls her off me. And
EN
D
says: “I’ll hold her; you go dance
ew
your dance, little lady.” I kissed
him hard and deep... dr *
An
Ke
DANNY *
E:
D
Say that again. *

AM
N
KATHERINE *
ER
FI
I kissed him hard and deep. *

D
EN
DANNY *
/S
One more time. *

N
a
ER
KATHERINE *
D
O
EA
Hard and deep. *

ci
R
DANNY *
C
Continue. *
tri
KATHERINE *
So I climbed on stage and danced *
the dance of my life with Der *
Stinglehoffer. *
Pa
DEVLIN *
Did you do more than dance with *
him? *
IAN *
Yes, You know those rock stars. *
DANNY *
No. She turned him down. The only *
one who got to see her Brazilian *
wax that night was me. Only back *
then she didn’t go Brazilian, it *
was more of an Amazon jungle thing. *
(CONTINUED)
GREEN REVISED PAGES - 5/3/10 103A.
79 CONTINUED: 79
KATHERINE *
Okay easy. *
DEVLIN *
Why don’t you two wear wedding *
rings? *
KATHERINE *
Oh Danny doesn’t believe in wedding *
rings. He thinks they’re stupid and *
would never be caught dead wearing *
L
one. Ever. *
ig
A
TI
nd
ge
od
EN
D
ew
dr
An
Ke
E:
D
AM
N
ER
FI
D
EN
/S
N
a
ER
D
O
EA
ci
R
C
tri
Pa
(CONTINUED)
104.
79 CONTINUED: 79
DANNY
She turned them down. Only I get
to see that Brazilian wax in the *
flesh.
KATHERINE
Okay, easy.
Ian’s phone rings (his ring-tone is “Carmina Burana”). He
gets up and answers it. *
L
IAN
ig
Hang on a second. *
A
(to the table) *
So sorry - this is one of my *
foundations. I have to take this. *
TI
nd
ge
He looks at Devlin. *
od
EN
D
DEVLIN
ew
Your virtue, your intelligence,
your passion. dr
An
Ke
IAN
E:
D
Your beauty, your drive, your

AM
womanhood.
N
ER
FI
He then walks off. Katherine and Danny look at Devlin.

D
EN
DEVLIN
/S
N
It’s something we do whenever the

a
ER
other leaves. We say what we love *

D
most about the other.

O
EA
ci
R
KATHERINE
That’s great.
C
DEVLIN
tri
It keeps us connected. You guys

should try.
KATHERINE
We’ll try later.
Pa
DEVLIN
That’s okay, not everyone can do it. We
just have so much we love about each
other we just always want to share.
KATHERINE
We’ll do it now.
80 INT. OUT OF THE WAY RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS 80
Palmer downing another drink listens to another one of
Eddie’s (Dolph’s) drunken stories.
(CONTINUED)
105.
80 CONTINUED: 80
EDDIE
...broke and penniless I took to
the streets to sell my wares. And
by wares I mean my body. And by my
body I mean my schnitzel.
Palmer makes a face. Suddenly a TEENAGE GIRL runs in.
GIRL
Help, is there a veterinarian in the
house? My pet sheep has passed out.
L
He’s not breathing. I don’t know what
ig
is wrong.
A
No one says anything. Palmer turns to Eddie.
TI
nd
PALMER
ge
He’s not a vet, but he sells sheep for
od
a living. Maybe he can help.
EN
D
ew
Eddie then realizes she is talking about him.
dr
An
Ke
EDDIE
Who me? Yes, right, me. I am. I do.
E:
D
AM
81 EXT. OUT OF THE WAY RESTAURANT 81

N
ER
FI
The Girl quickly leads Eddie and Palmer outside. The whole
D
restaurant follows. On the ground we see the sheep.

EN
/S
N
As everyone watches, Eddie goes over and inspects the sheep.

a
ER
D
EDDIE
O
EA
In my expert opinion this sheep is

ci
R
dead. Sorry.
C
Eddie starts to head back inside. The sheep is still moving,

having spasms. The Girl stops him.
tri
TEENAGE GIRL
No!!! He’s still alive. You have do
something.
Pa
Everyone else stares at Eddie. He gulps.

82 INT. OCEANO’S - CONTINUOUS 82
DANNY
Okay, so what do we do here?
DEVLIN
Look each other in the eyes and
say what you love about the other.
Katherine and Danny awkwardly turn and look each other in the
eyes.
(CONTINUED)
106.
82 CONTINUED: 82
DANNY
Hello.
KATHERINE
Hello.
DANNY
So tell me what you love about me.
KATHERINE
Well, I love... what a good doctor you
L
are.
ig
A
DEVLIN
Keep going.
TI
nd
KATHERINE
ge
I love your sense of humor, and... your
od
stories, and your advice... and how you
EN
D
secretly have a big heart, full of
ew
kindness and humility and...
dr
An
Blood? Ke
DANNY
E:
D
AM
KATHERINE
N
...blood. Yeah, I don’t know, *

ER
FI
you’re just a very nice person that *

D
I like... love being around. *

EN
/S
N
DANNY
a
ER
(touched)
D
Thank you. *
O
EA
ci
R
DEVLIN
Danny?
C
DANNY
tri
Well, I love the Brazilian wax that *

you’re constantly showing me... And *
your sense of humor, and your stories,
and your advice...
Pa
DEVLIN
(too harsh)
No repeats!
DANNY
Whoa, I didn’t know we were being
graded.
(back to Katherine)
Um, I love...how you do stuff. Never *
for yourself, always for the rest of
us. In all honesty, I’d be lost
without you. You are... the only *
person I’ve never lied to. *
(CONTINUED)
107.
82 CONTINUED: 82
He realizes as he says it that he means it.
DANNY (CONT’D)
And you’re a great mother. And your *
smile. It’s an amazing smile. When I *
see it, that’s actually when my day
starts.
Katherine is touched. They stare at each other for a beat.
They might have a moment when Devlin breaks the mood.
L
DEVLIN
ig
I won best smile at our sorority three
A
years straight. Remember, Katherine?
KATHERINE
TI
nd
Yes, I do.
ge
od
Danny and Katherine now look away from each other, feeling
EN
D
self-conscious.
ew
83 dr
EXT. OUT OF THE WAY RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS 83 *
An
Ke
Eddie is now giving mouth to mouth to the sheep and pounding
E:
D
AM
on it’s chest. Everyone from the restaurant is watching.

N
EDDIE
ER
FI
Breathe, dammit, breathe!!!

D
EN
He blows another breath into the sheep’s mouth. He has no

/S
N
idea what he is doing.

a
ER
D
GIRL
O
EA
He is still not breathing!!

ci
R
Grasping at straws he then gets the sheep in his arms and

C
gives starts giving him the HEIMLICH MANEUVER. He looks like

he is killing him. With each thrust, the crowd FLINCHES.
tri
GUY
You’re killing him!!!
Then finally, SOMETHING SHOOTS OUT THE SHEEP’S mouth. It was
Pa
a rubber toy. The sheep then starts breathing. The crowd

applauds. The Girl hugs Eddie and starts crying with joy.
84 INT. OCEANO’S - CONTINUOUS 84
Ian then returns.
IAN
Butterfly kisses, bunny.
He and Devlin then exchange butterfly kisses. Without being
seen, Danny and Katherine make deer antlers on their heads
with their hands and pucker their lips at each other, and
(CONTINUED)
108.
84 CONTINUED: 84
laugh. A BAND finishes a song, and the very-tan BANDLEADER
grabs the mic.
BANDLEADER
Alright, folks, it’s time for the
legendary Oceanos Hula Contest! *
Tonight’s winner will receive their *
meal tonight on the house, courtesy of *
Oceanos. *
(claps, cheers)
So contestants, please report to *
L
the ladies lounge!
ig
A
Women start to get up. Ian turns to Devlin.
IAN
TI
nd
You should do it, Boo-Boo. You
ge
would win.
od
EN
D
DEVLIN
ew
Ian! I don’t know how to “hula”,
you scamp. dr
An
IANKe
E:
D
(looking around)
AM
I don’t think any of these women

N
do. And frankly, I don’t think any

ER
FI
of them have been doing power yoga,

D
pilates, and strippercise

EN
religiously for the last ten years.

/S
N
a
ER
The women who are getting up all seem very normal and middle-
American. Devlin smirks.
D
O
EA
ci
R
DEVLIN
That’s the understatement of the
C
year...
tri
IAN
Plus, the ancient art of the hula
is all about expressing your
sensuality. And nobody “brings the
sexy” like Devlin Maxtone-Jones...
Pa
DEVLIN
Oh, you like what Mommy brings?
IAN
Mmmm, Baby likes...
They kiss. Katherine and Danny are in that no-man’s-land
between dumbfounded and disgusted. Devlin stands.
DEVLIN
I’ll do it!
(CONTINUED)
109.
84 CONTINUED: 84
IAN
(clapping)
Good show! Katherine, how about
you?
DEVLIN
Oh, this isn’t Katherine’s thing,
honey. Right, Katherine?
KATHERINE
Oh yeah, this is more your speed.
L
ig
DEVLIN
A
Remember that time in college, when
we had that contest to see who
could kiss that cute guy at the bar
TI
nd
first?
ge
od
KATHERINE
EN
D
Yeah, that guy was kind of my
ew
boyfriend, actually...
dr
An
DEVLIN
Ke
(not really listening,
E:
D
sing-song)
AM
I won! Katherine’s butt never left *

N
the chair.
ER
FI
(to Ian)
D
Some people are more comfortable on

EN
the sidelines, love. Don’t judge.

/S
N
a
ER
IAN
Your honesty, your fearlessness,
D
O
EA
your tickle spot.

ci
R
DEVLIN
C
Your creativity, your bravery, your

nipples.
tri
She leaves. Ian turns to Danny and Katherine.

IAN
She’s my everything. *
Pa
KATHERINE
Yeah.
Katherine downs a shot, then stands.
I’m gonna do the hula thing.
IAN
Please, don’t feel any pressure--
(CONTINUED)
110.
84 CONTINUED: 84
KATHERINE
I’m not the one who should be
feeling the pressure.
Katherine walks off confidently.
DANNY
Ooo, Baby likes!
(to Ian)
Sorry.
L
85 INT. OCEANOS - FIVE MINUTES LATER 85
ig
A
Ian is boring Danny.
IAN
TI
nd
...so then I said, “What if the
ge
earphones could go in the ears?”...
od
EN
D
The Bandleader grabs the mic.
ew
BANDLEADER
dr
An
Ke
Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a
warm welcome to tonight’s hula
E:
D
AM
girls!
N
Five women come out, wearing grass skirts and coconut bras.
ER
FI
The crowd applauds. The band begins playing, and the five
D
women begin doing the hula. All seem awkward and self-
EN
conscious, except for Devlin, who stands apart due to her

/S
N
self-confidence and athleticism. Katherine looks great in

a
ER
her outfit, but she’s not really committing to it. She

D
laughs nervously, and makes a face at Danny.

O
EA
ci
R
Danny meets her eyes, but he’s not laughing. He knows she
can do this. She tries a little harder. He smiles and nods. *
C
Katherine begins to let loose and find her rhythm. Soon, she
tri
and Devlin have separated from the pack. Devlin, feeling the
heat, begins shimmying super-fast, a prom queen smile frozen
on her face. Katherine sways slower, eyes closed, in an
almost hypnotic rhythm. If she’s nervous, it doesn’t show
anymore.
Pa
Ian turns to Danny.

IAN
I see what you mean about that
“hard-on” thing...
The song winds to a close. Devlin does a big, sweaty,
cheerleader aerial maneuver, sticking it, while Katherine,
feeling the rhythm inside, does a final Shakira-like shimmy
move. She smiles. The crowd, especially the men in the
crowd, go crazy. An older man bumps fists with Danny.
(CONTINUED)
111.
85 CONTINUED: 85
BANDLEADER
Wow, great hula-ing tonight.
Usually we get a bunch of fat,
drunk retirees from Wisconsin or
someplace. You almost lose your
lunch watching those fat rolls
jiggle...
Everyone stares - including the Huge Woman from the beach -
he realizes that was too honest.
L
BANDLEADER (CONT’D)
ig
Okay, tonight you the people will
A
be our judges. Please applaud for
your favorite hula girl.
TI
nd
The first three girls get polite applause. Katherine gets
ge
much louder applause. Finally, Devlin; she gets polite
od
applause. Sensing humiliation, she turns and flips her skirt
EN
D
up, giving a brief flash of panties. The applause ratchets
ew
up dramatically from the men. Ian claps like his hands are
on fire. dr
An
Ke
BANDLEADER (CONT’D)
E:
D
Ladies and gentlemen - we have a

AM
tie!
N
ER
FI
KATHERINE
D
Hey, we both won, isn’t that--

EN
/S
N
DEVLIN
a
ER
(to Bandleader)
What’s the tiebreaker?
D
O
EA
ci
R
CUT TO:
C
86 INT. OCEANOS - TWO MINUTES LATER 86

tri
Katherine and Danny are standing up, facing each other very
close. They are holding a ping-pong ball between their
bellies. Ian and Devlin are in an identical position.
BANDLEADER
Pa
It’s Ping-Pong Pookie time! The

object of this game is to move the
ping-pong ball from your bellies to
your mouths but without the use of
your hands. First couple to get it
there wins.
IAN
Do I have time to visit the little
boys’ room?
DEVLIN
No! Squeeze it in! *
(CONTINUED)
112.
86 CONTINUED: 86
BANDLEADER
And a one, and a two, and a pookie- *
pookie-poo! *
The two couples begin the process of moving the ball upwards.
Danny and Katherine undulate in an unorganized fashion, their
efforts somewhat hampered because they begin laughing so
hard. Ian and Devlin are taking a more methodical approach,
grim looks on their faces.
As Danny and Katherine’s ball reaches their chests, the game
L
becomes more intimate.
ig
A
DANNY
Sorry about this.
TI
nd
KATHERINE
ge
Are you really?
od
EN
D
DANNY
ew
No, no I’m not.
dr
An
Ke
Ian and Devlin are ahead, the ball approaching their necks,
when, suddenly, disaster - they drop the ball.
E:
D
AM
DEVLIN
N
(hissing)
ER
FI
Pick it up!
D
EN
Ian reaches for it, Devlin slaps his hand away.

/S
N
a
ER
DEVLIN (CONT’D)
D
No hands, you buffoon. *

O
EA
ci
R
Ian grimly squats down to pick up the ball with his buttocks,
causing an explosion of laughter that almost causes Katherine
C
and Danny to drop their ball. But Ian succeeds, placing his
rear against Devlin’s stomach then carefully turning around;
tri
they’re back in business.

But Katherine and Danny’s ball has already reached their
necks. Danny sneaks a smell of Katherine’s hair, which
judging by the look on his face smells very nice. Katherine
Pa
sneakily rubs her cheek on the back of Danny’s neck. Cut

back to Danny, who has some of Katherine’s hair in his mouth,
apparently enjoying the taste. They’ve both stopped moving
the ball.
KATHERINE
What’s going on? What’s the hold-
up?
DANNY
(guilty)
Nothing! What’s the hold-up with
you?
(CONTINUED)
113.
86 CONTINUED: 86
With difficulty, they get it between their cheeks. A few
careful twists, and they are kissing opposite sides of the
ball. Victory!
As the restaurant erupts in applause...
BANDLEADER
Wow. That was teamwork. How long *
have you two been married?
DANNY KATHERINE
L
Eight years. Ten years.
ig
(a beat) (a beat)
A
Ten years. Eight years.
(a beat) (a beat)
A long time. A long time. *
TI
nd
ge
Danny and Katherine look at each other - they really did have *
od
fun. Devlin berates Ian as they walk off. *
EN
D
ew
DEVLIN dr
Why don’t you go invent a robot
An
Ke
version of yourself that DOESN’T
E:
DROP PING-PONG BALLS!

D
AM
IAN
N
ER
(hurt)
FI
Boo-boo...
D
EN
87 EXT. HOTEL/REFLECTING POOL WALKWAY - NIGHT 87 *

/S
N
a
ER
Danny and Katherine walk back to her room.

D
O
EA
KATHERINE
ci
R
Did you see her face when you

C
talked about her arms? *

DANNY
tri
That face was crazy, but not as *

crazy as she looked when she *
realized you were kicking her ass *
in the hula contest. *
Pa
KATHERINE
That was so satisfying.
DANNY
She is going to beat the crap out of
Johnny iPod tonight. *
Katherine laughs.
A88 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT A88 *
They reach the room. But neither wants to say goodnight. They
look at each other.
(CONTINUED)
114.
A88 CONTINUED: A88
KATHERINE
You know I think this was the first
time that we ever went out just us. *
DANNY
I just feel bad for Soul Patch, now
that you spent a nice evening with
a real man. And by real man, I mean
a man who showers.
KATHERINE
L
It is so cute how obsessed you are
ig
with him.
A
DANNY
I just can’t picture you guys on a *
TI
nd
date together. *
ge
od
KATHERINE
EN
D
It wasn’t a date, Danny. Dr. *
ew
Herlihy is moving his practice to *
dr
New York, and Brian’s not going *
An
with him. So he’s been asking me
Ke
if I would be interested in
E:
D
replacing him. *
AM
N
DANNY
ER
FI
In New York? You’re not going, are *

D
you?
EN
/S
N
KATHERINE
a
ER
No.
D
O
EA
DANNY
ci
R
So why didn’t you tell me that it

wasn’t a date? You trying to make
C
me jealous?
tri
KATHERINE
No, I was having some fun teasing
you. Why, were you jealous?
DANNY
Pa
Get out of here. I’m just psyched

you don’t have to deal with his
granola breath. So there’s no love
connection there at all?
KATHERINE
Nope. I’m... still on the market.
DANNY
Well, it’s really a shame, then.
KATHERINE
What?
(CONTINUED)
115.
A88 CONTINUED: A88
DANNY
That ping-pong ball. Getting in the
way.
KATHERINE
Oh, you were glad that ping-pong
ball was there. You couldn’t have
handled it.
DANNY
Oh, I could’ve handled it.
L
ig
KATHERINE
A
I don’t know...
They look at each other. Take each other in. They start *
TI
nd
moving in for a kiss when the door opens. It’s Maggie and *
ge
Michael.
od
EN
D
MAGGIE AND MICHAEL
ew
Mommy!
dr
An
Ke
KATHERINE
Hey guys, how you doing?
E:
D
AM
MAGGIE
N
The babysitter fell asleep.

ER
FI
D
They open the door wider, revealing an old Hawaiian lady

EN
asleep on the couch.

/S
N
a
ER
KATHERINE
D
Oh, look, the Hawaiian Rosa...

O
EA
(turns to Danny)
ci
R
Well, I better wake her up and send

her on her way. I’ll see you
C
tomorrow, Danny. Last day.

tri
DANNY
Yep...
(German accent)
One more day of lying! Good night,
Katherine.
Pa
KATHERINE
Good night, Danny.
88 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT 88 *
Ding! An elevator, heading up arrives. The doors open and
Danny walks out, lost in thought. He gets to his room, stops *
- and makes a decision. He turns and walks back to the
elevator. Actually, he starts running. He hits the down
button.
Ding! The elevator arrives. Eddie and Palmer walk out, a
little wasted.
(CONTINUED)
116.
88 CONTINUED: 88
EDDIE
Hallo, hallo. Dere he is!
Feeling caught, Danny shakes Eddie’s hand then goes to Palmer
and gives her a kiss.
PALMER *
Where were you going? *
DANNY *
Where was I going? I wasn’t going *
L
anywhwere. How was your night? *
ig
A
PALMER
Dolph gave mouth to mouth to a sheep, *
then we had a few drinks.
TI
nd
ge
DANNY
od
Oh, that sounds good.
EN
D
ew
PALMER dr
And we talked about how amazing this *
An
are... Ke
trip has been, and how amazing you *
E:
D
AM
DANNY
N
Oh yeah?
ER
FI
D
PALMER
EN
Yeah. And Dolph says you’ve been *

/S
N
saying some pretty nice things about *

a
ER
me...
D
O
EA
Danny looks at Eddie, who is smiling, proud.

ci
R
DANNY
C
True... *
tri
PALMER
...and that if the kids and I
hadn’t kept you so busy, you might
have had time to... do something *
you’ve been thinking about doing. *
Pa
DANNY
Uh-huh... *
PALMER
I don’t need you to get me a ring,
Danny. Let’s just get married,
right here.
DANNY
What now?
(CONTINUED)
117.
88 CONTINUED: 88
PALMER
Why not? We’re in Hawaii. Let’s
do it tomorrow! This has felt *
special from the first moment we
met. I’ve seen the way you are *
with the kids - it’s exactly the
way I always imagined my husband
would be.
DANNY
Really... *
L
ig
And she kisses him... looks into his eyes...
A
PALMER
I don’t want to wait. I just want *
TI
nd
to start my life with you.
ge
od
Danny looks at Eddie, who gives a shit-eating nod behind
EN
D
Palmer’s back.
ew
DANNY dr
An
Okay, yeah, thank you. *
Ke
E:
D
Ding! The elevator door opens and Katherine comes out. She
AM
seems excited, but very surprised to see Eddie and Palmer.

N
ER
FI
PALMER *
D
Hi. *
EN
/S
N
KATHERINE
a
ER
Oh, hey!
D
(a beat)
O
EA
Uh, there you are, Dolph. I’ve

ci
R
been looking all over for you.

C
EDDIE
Guess what, my little oompa loompa?
tri
Danny and Palmer are getting married

tomorrow.
KATHERINE
They are?
Pa
DANNY
Yes. What do you think?
KATHERINE
What do I think? I think it’s
great.
PALMER
Thank you so much, Devlin. I hope
you can be there tomorrow.
(CONTINUED)
118.
88 CONTINUED: 88
KATHERINE
I’d love to, honey, but it’s bad
luck for the ex to be at the
wedding. Congratulations. *
(turns to Eddie)
Come on, Dolph - let’s go back to
our room and make sweet love.
She and a drunk and excited Dolph get in the elevator, and
are gone. Palmer and Danny are alone.
L
PALMER
ig
You sure you want to do this? I
A
know it’s kind of sudden. *
DANNY
TI
nd
No, yeah. Let’s get married.
ge
od
89 INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS 89
EN
D
ew
Katherine is dazed as they descend.
dr
An
Ke
EDDIE
Were you kidding about--
E:
D
AM
KATHERINE
N
If you touch me, I will snap your *

ER
FI
arm off like a twig.

D
EN
FADE TO:
/S
N
a
ER
90 INT. DANNY AND PALMER’S ROOM 90

D
O
EA
MUSIC UP: “One Last Kiss” by J. Geils

ci
R
Danny lies awake. He can’t sleep. He sees light filtering in

C
from underneath the bathroom door.

tri
91 INT. DANNY AND PALMER’S BATHROOM - NIGHT 91

Palmer is talking on her cell phone, trying on dresses in the
mirror, too excited to sleep.
Pa
92 INT. KATHERINE’S ROOM - NIGHT 92

Katherine lies awake, wrestling with her emotions.
93 INT. KATHERINE’S BATHROOM - NIGHT 93
Eddie is struggling to get comfortable in the tub. He rolls
over and accidentally puts his arm in the toilet. He remains
asleep.
119.
94 INT. DANNY AND PALMER’S ROOM - NIGHT 94

Palmer’s finally asleep, her arm wrapped around Danny, a
serene smile on her face. But Danny stares at the ceiling,
far from serene.
95 INT. KATHERINE’S ROOM - NIGHT 95
Katherine’s still lying awake. Maggie’s there, too, and we
think she’s asleep, until she grabs her mother’s hand.
Katherine smiles with loving gratitude.
L
ig
96 INT. KATHERINE’S BATHROOM - NIGHT 96
A
Eddie’s still asleep in the tub. His arm is still in the
toilet. Michael is standing in front of the toilet,
TI
nd
apparently peeing. Eddie awakes, alarmed.
ge
od
97 EXT. HALLWAY - NIGHT 97
EN
D
ew
Eddie, mightily annoyed, slips out of the room holding his
dr
pillow, a towel wrapped around his arm.
An
Ke
E:
A98 INT. KATHERINE’S ROOM - NIGHT A98

D
AM
Her phone rings. INTERCUT with Danny, who’s on his balcony,

N
speaking softly.
ER
FI
D
KATHERINE
EN
Hello?
/S
N
a
ER
DANNY
D
Hey, you up?

O
EA
ci
R
KATHERINE
Uh, yeah. I’m glad you called.
C
DANNY
tri
You are?
KATHERINE
Yeah, I looked at flights for your
parents. There’s a 9 am that can
Pa
get them here just after noon.

DANNY
I’m not sure about that. I don’t
think her parents are coming. She
wants it to be elope-y.
KATHERINE
Elope-y. Got it. Now are you all
set with what you need to wear?
I’m going to go buy something
appropriate tomorrow for your fake
kids, so I could pick you up a
jacket or-
(CONTINUED)
120.
A98 CONTINUED: A98
DANNY
Do you think this is a good idea?
KATHERINE
What? The wedding?
DANNY
Yeah, the wedding, the whole Palmer
thing.
KATHERINE
L
It’s what we came out here for,
ig
right?
A
DANNY
I guess. You don’t think it’s
TI
nd
crazy?
ge
od
KATHERINE
EN
D
Look, Danny, you don’t need my
ew
permission. You’re a big boy.
dr
An
Ke
DANNY
I know, I just... if I do this, I’m
*
*
E:
D
worried it might be kind of weird *

AM
between you and me at the office. *

N
ER
FI
KATHERINE *
D
You don’t need to worry about that. *

EN
/S
N
A beat. Danny realizes. *

a
ER
D
DANNY
O
EA
You’re going to New York. *

ci
R
KATHERINE
C
Yeah. As much as I was looking

forward to the fake mustache phase
tri
of my career, I just need to start

fresh, you know?
(a beat)
You there? You understand?
Pa
DANNY
I guess.
KATHERINE
Awful lot of guessing coming
through this phone. I got one
divorce, and two kids. I just
don’t have time for “I guess”.
Danny is silent.
You have a big day tomorrow,
Doctor. Get some sleep.
(CONTINUED)
121.
A98 CONTINUED: A98
Katherine hangs up. Danny, alone on his balcony, looks out
over the water. He sees dolphins swimming in the distance.
98 EXT. HOTEL ENTRANCE - DAY 98
A cab arrives, and ADON gets out with his dog Babu. As he’s *
getting his luggage out of the trunk, Palmer sees him and
comes over.
PALMER
Adon! Thank you so much for flying
L
in!
ig
A
ADON
Of course, my angel! It will be my
honor to officiate at your wedding!
TI
nd
ge
PALMER
od
It’s going to be very low-stress:
EN
D
small, quick, and it’s done. *
ew
ADON dr
An
Ke
Sounds like my sex life. *
E:
D
AM
Adon laughs his weird laugh.

N
ADON (CONT’D)
ER
FI
I’ll be in my room - you know, I

D
can’t get any sun. Skin peel.

EN
/S
N
PALMER
a
ER
See you in a few hours, Adon.

D
O
EA
Palmer goes back into the Lobby.

ci
R
A99 INT. LOBBY - DAY A99

C
Katherine is talking to the concierge.

tri
PALMER
Devlin... can I talk to you for a
moment?
Pa
Katherine walks over to Palmer.

PALMER (CONT’D)
This is hard for me to say... *
KATHERINE *
What? *
PALMER *
Something happened when I went out *
with Dolph last night...
KATHERINE
Really.
(CONTINUED)
122.
A99 CONTINUED: A99
PALMER
He saved a sheep’s life...
KATHERINE
Yeah, heard about that, so proud.
PALMER
But afterward, he was kind of
hitting on the girl who owned the
sheep. He tried to kiss her. I *
thought he was joking at first, but
L
when he took his pants off and
ig
started shaving the sheep... it got
A
really weird.
Katherine just stands there... not sure how to react.
TI
nd
ge
PALMER (CONT’D)
od
I wasn’t going to tell you but... I
EN
D
felt I owed it to you.
ew
KATHERINE dr
An
Right.
(beat) Ke
E:
D
I guess... part of me always knew.

AM
N
And Palmer slowly nods... a tear in her eye.

ER
FI
D
PALMER
EN
Devlin... I am so sorry. I know you

/S
N
thought you’d found “the one”.

a
ER
D
And Katherine... now racked with guilt...

O
EA
ci
R
KATHERINE
I can’t do this anymore... Palmer,
C
I have something to confess.

tri
PALMER
You don’t have to, Devlin. I *
already know.
KATHERINE
Pa
Know what?
PALMER
You’re still in love with Danny.
KATHERINE
Oh, no. Not that--
PALMER
And I think he’s still kind of in
love with you.
This stops Katherine dead in her tracks...
(CONTINUED)
A99 CONTINUED: A99
KATHERINE
Really. Why would you think that?
PALMER
The way he is around you. Whenever
you’re together... he didn’t know I
noticed but I did. I think I’m
rushing this wedding cause I’m
scared he’s going to go back to
you.
L
Katherine’s floored.
ig
A
KATHERINE
There’s nothing between me and
Danny. We’re just... familiar.
TI
nd
ge
PALMER
od
Is that all? I don’t know, I just
EN
D
feel--
ew
KATHERINE dr
An
Listen to me. Danny and I had our
Ke
shot. It didn’t work out. He’s
E:
D
moving on, I’m moving on. You’re

AM
the girl for him.

N
ER
FI
As Palmer hugs Katherine...

D
EN
PALMER
/S
N
God, this is such a relief.

a
ER
(beat)
D
Because I would never stand a

O
EA
chance going up against you.

ci
R
As the hug continues, over Palmer’s shoulder, Katherine sees *

C
Danny in the gift shop, with the kids, buying them t-shirts. *
He doesn’t see her. *
tri
KATHERINE
Just do me a favor, okay Palmer? *
Men make mistakes... Even great
guys like Danny...
Pa
As she watches the man she loves with her kids... *

So if that happens... and he owns
up to it...
...breaking the hug, looking Palmer in the eye... *
... forgive him.
124.
99 EXT. BEAUTIFUL CLIFF - DAY 99

A beautiful place for a wedding. But there is no band... no
bridesmaids or groomsmen... and no guests.
Danny and Palmer are dressed casually. Palmer stands ready
in front of Adon. Danny is consulting with Maggie and
Michael, the only witnesses.
MAGGIE
Father, in the words of Antoine de
L
Saint-Exupery, “love does not
ig
consist of gazing at each other,
A
but in looking together in the same
direction.” Safe journeys.
TI
nd
Michael walks over to Danny and looks up at him.
ge
od
MICHAEL
EN
D
I’m gonna miss you, Dad.
ew
PALMER dr
An
Ke
Oh no, Bart, you’re not losing a
father, you’re gaining--
E:
D
AM
MICHAEL
N
He knows what I mean.

ER
FI
D
Michael sits back down. Danny does know what he means, but
EN
he steps forward to join Palmer.

/S
N
a
ER
ADON
D
Danny and Palmer... what a

O
EA
beautiful couple, what a beautiful

ci
R
setting, what a beautiful day. Does *

anyone have an umbrella? Cause I
C
just had a skin peel and I’m

supposed to stay out of the sun for
tri
ten days. No? Okay then, let’s do

this quick. Do you have the rings?
SLOW MOTION - Michael solemnly walks forward holding two
rings. Danny looks at the rings. He makes a decision.
Pa
DANNY
Stop.
Danny turns to Palmer.
DANNY (CONT’D)
Palmer, I have to tell you
something. *
As Maggie and Michael’s eyes go wide.
(CONTINUED)
125.
99 CONTINUED: 99
DANNY (CONT’D)
I lied to you. I’m not married. I *
have never been married. And I
don’t have any children.
Still “in character” Maggie SPITS OUT HER SODA.
MAGGIE
You’re not our Father?
DANNY
L
Give it a rest, Maggie.
ig
A
MAGGIE
Cheerio.
TI
nd
PALMER
ge
“Maggie”? Who’s Maggie?
od
EN
D
DANNY
ew
There is no Kiki or Bart or Dolph
dr
or Devlin. Devlin’s actually named
An
Ke
Katherine... She’s my office
manager. Those are her children,
E:
D
Maggie and Michael. “Dolph” is my

AM
cousin Eddie. I made it all up.

N
ER
FI
ADON
D
Not everything. I really am a

EN
licensed unitarian minister.

/S
N
a
ER
PALMER
D
Why?
O
EA
ci
R
ADON
Well, to be honest, Stephen Baldwin
C
was getting married in Santa

Barbara, and he--
tri
PALMER
No. Danny- why?
DANNY
Pa
Well, I didn’t want to tell you I

was the biggest dirtbag alive, and
used a wedding ring to pick up
chicks, so I told a lie, and then
another one, and then a bunch more,
but I figured after this vacation
we could put the lies behind us.
And then you’d never have to know.
PALMER
I knew.
Like a ton of bricks...
(CONTINUED)
126.
99 CONTINUED: 99
DANNY
No you didn’t.
PALMER
Yes, I did.
DANNY
No you didn’t. I’ve been lying for
twenty years and I’ve never been
caught. I’m the best liar in the *
history of lying.
L
ig
PALMER
A
Adon told me.
DANNY
TI
nd
I’ll break his neck. *
ge
od
ADON
EN
D
I should really go--
ew
DANNY dr
An
Ke
Stay right here!
E:
D
AM
He does. Danny's totally bewildered.

N
PALMER
ER
FI
Adon called me after his party to

D
ask why I left so upset. When I

EN
told him about finding the ring, he

/S
N
let me know what you used it for. *

a
ER
D
ADON
O
EA
I was trying to help you out,

ci
R
Danny. Please don’t make me stay

out in the bright sunlight.
C
PALMER
tri
But I still really liked you, *

Danny. And it’s not like I was *
looking to settle down. So I
figured we could have some laughs, *
then when I wanted to get out of
Pa
it, I just bring up the fact that

you never told me the truth ever,
and I would get away clean. *
Danny can’t believe it.
DANNY
You lied to me? I can’t believe
you lied to me...
ADON
(handkerchief now on his
head)
Hello! Pot meet kettle.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
127.
99 CONTINUED: 99
ADON (CONT'D)
(sheepish)
Again, I should go.
PALMER
No, I just beat you at your own
game. But Danny, here’s the thing:
somewhere along the way, I really
did fall in love with you. I just *
needed you to come clean before I
said “I do,” and you did.
L
She steps closer to him.
ig
A
PALMER (CONT’D)
I want to marry you, Danny.
TI
nd
Danny’s completely blown away.
ge
od
100 INT. BEACH BAR - DAY 100
EN
D
ew
The acoustic guitarist plays a soft tune. About fifteen
dr
people enjoy the tropical day with tropical drinks.
An
Ke
Katherine sits at the bar, talking to the bartender.
E:
D
AM
KATHERINE
So you just throw out the coconut
N
when we’re done with the drink?

ER
FI
Isn’t that a waste of a coconut?

D
How about using it as an ashtray,

EN
or a football helmet for a cat...

/S
N
a
ER
And from across the way...

D
O
EA
DEVLIN
ci
R
Katherine...
C
KATHERINE
Devlin.
tri
As she gives Katherine an air hug...

DEVLIN
That was so much fun last night.
Pa
I’m still trying to figure out how *

you cheated. Where’s Danny? *
KATHERINE
Oh, Devlin. He’s at his wedding. *
DEVLIN
Come again?
KATHERINE
I was never married to Danny,
Devlin. It was a lie I made up.
(CONTINUED)
100 CONTINUED: 100
DEVLIN
Why?
KATHERINE
Because I couldn’t bear the thought
of you knowing the truth.
(then)
I was married. To a very selfish
man. And it took me way too long
to get the strength to leave him.
L
DEVLIN
ig
Really.
A
KATHERINE
Yes, Devlin. I’m a single mother.
TI
nd
I have two children that I love
ge
more than anything in the world and
od
no man. I drive a Honda. I still
EN
D
have dial-up internet. I had a 2.7
ew
gpa back in college, not a 3.4. I *
was a bit of a tramp. I get way too
dr *
An
emotionally invested when I watch
Ke
“Extreme Home Makeover”. Sometimes,
E:
D
I have potato chips and Gatorade

AM
for dinner. I work for Danny, I’m *

N
his assistant. *
ER
FI
D
DEVLIN *
EN
Really. I would never have guessed, *

/S
there seemed to be a connection *

N
a
ER
between you both. *

D
O
EA
KATHERINE *
ci
(beat) *
R
Well, He’s a great guy; in fact, I *

C
might be in love with him but it *

doesn’t matter because he is *
marrying someone else... right *
tri
about... now. *
DEVLIN *
Ian and I are breaking up.
Pa
KATHERINE
(Under her breath) *
Couldn't even let me have that *
could ya? Oh, I’m so sorry, Devlin. *
What happened?
DEVLIN
Well, for starters, he’s gay. I
mean, look at him.
She points to Ian, on the other side of the bar, sitting with
a group of young sailors, laughing too hard at one of their
jokes.
(CONTINUED)
100 CONTINUED: 100
DEVLIN (CONT’D)
Plus... I guess there is no plus.
He’s gay. He’s a gay, gay man.
He fancies the dudes. Prefers his
organs on the outside, not in.
They look at each other. Then they actually start to laugh,
as if they were friends.
L
ig
A
TI
nd
ge
od
EN
D
ew
dr
An
Ke
E:
D
AM
N
ER
FI
D
EN
/S
N
a
ER
D
O
EA
ci
R
C
tri
Pa
(CONTINUED)
100 CONTINUED: 100
KATHERINE
And the iPod?
DEVLIN
He didn’t invent shit. He made his
money suing the Dodgers after he
got hit by a foul ball.
They laugh more.
DEVLIN (CONT’D)
L
Hey, you wanna know something else?
ig
I took a walk late last night, and
A
I ran into your little German
friend.
TI
nd
KATHERINE
ge
Oh, you mean Dolph? I mean Eddie.
od
EN
D
DEVLIN
ew
His name is Eddie? Well, me and
dr
Eddie ended up making love on the
An
beach like horny teenagers. I have
Ke
so much sand in my ass - it’s
E:
D
freakin’ killing me.

AM
N
They’re really laughing hard now.

ER
FI
D
KATHERINE
EN
How was it?

/S
N
a
ER
DEVLIN
D
Well he was enthusiastic, but there

O
EA
wasn’t much too work with.

ci
R
KATHERINE
C
You should have seen it before!

tri
DEVLIN
What does that mean? Did he have,
like a silicone injection?
KATHERINE
Pa
It was ass fat!

DEVLIN *
Eww! Whose? *
KATHERINE *
HIS! *
They roar with laughter for a while before finally calming
down.
DEVLIN *
Well that’s different! *
(CONTINUED)
100 CONTINUED: 100
KATHERINE *
What? *
DEVLIN *
Laughing with you and not at you! *
KATHERINE
Yeah, we should have tried this *
whole... truth thing a long time *
ago.
L
DEVLIN
ig
Yeah. *
A
TI
nd
ge
od
EN
D
ew
dr
An
Ke
E:
D
AM
N
ER
FI
D
EN
/S
N
a
ER
D
O
EA
ci
R
C
tri
Pa
(CONTINUED)
100 CONTINUED: 100
They hug. *
DANNY
Awww, it’s nice to tell the truth.
Like were you telling the truth *
when you said you might be in love
with me?
Devlin sees how Danny and Katherine look at each other. *
DEVLIN *
L
I am gonna go get a divorce. *
ig
A
CUT TO Ian, feeling one of the sailor’s biceps.
Devlin leaves Danny and Katherine alone.
TI
nd
ge
KATHERINE
od
Where are our... My children? *
EN
D
ew
DANNY dr
Palmer took them to go get ice *
An
cream.
Ke
E:
D
AM
KATHERINE
That’s nice. So how was the *
N
wedding?
ER
FI
D
DANNY
EN
It was pretty amazing. *

/S
N
a
ER
KATHERINE *
D
Yeah? So? Details! *

O
EA
ci
R
DANNY
It was the most gorgeous spot I’ve
C
ever seen. As I stood there,

looking out over the Pacific, I
tri
thought about how wonderful it’s

gonna be to spend my life with the
one I love, to share every
adventure with that one special
person. The only problem was that
Pa
person wasn’t standing next to me.

KATHERINE
She wasn’t?
DANNY
She wasn’t.
(CONTINUED)
100 CONTINUED: 100
KATHERINE
So you didn’t?
DANNY
I couldn’t.
KATHERINE
You couldn’t?
DANNY
Well, you didn’t sign the fake
L
divorce papers, so we’re still fake
ig
married.
A
KATHERINE
Oh. Forgot about that.
TI
nd
ge
DANNY
od
But in all seriousness, there’s *
EN
D
something here right? Maybe we *
ew
should us a real shot. *
dr
An
She looks at him.
Ke
And she smiles. *
E:
D
AM
KATHERINE
Danny, I don’t understand -- you’ve
N
known me for years! What happens *

ER
FI
when we aren't on fake-cation and *

D
you wake up and this is real. ! *

EN
/S
N
DANNY
a
ER
I'm a guy, sometimes we don't *

D
always see what's right in front of *

O
EA
us. I was trying to figure out when *

ci
R
exactly I fell in love with you.

Was it the hula contest, or the
C
waterfall? But I think it was the

day you first walked into my
tri
office...
KATHERINE
(Smiles big) *
Danny, I have children... And you *
Pa
can’t just drive them off a cliff. *

They eat, They drink, They Devlin! *
DANNY
Ya kidding me. I love those kids. *
KATHERINE *
I know that. Can we go back to *
their real names? *
DANNY *
Yeah, what are they again? *
Just kidding (british accents) *
They’re the funniest kids I’ve ever *
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
100 CONTINUED: 100
DANNY (CONT'D)
met. I wanna be with them 23 hours *
a day. *
KATHERINE
And the other hour?
Danny smiles and starts whispering something in her ear. She
smiles too, then turns her head quickly and kisses him
deeply.
The sailors see this kiss and begin hooting and hollering,
L
cheering them on. Ian sees it and rolls his eyes. *
ig
A
TI
nd
ge
od
EN
D
ew
dr
An
Ke
E:
D
AM
N
ER
FI
D
EN
/S
N
a
ER
D
O
EA
ci
R
C
tri
Pa
(CONTINUED)
132.
100 CONTINUED: 100
Ian sees it and rolls his eyes.
IAN
What-everrrrr.
101 INT. PLANE, RUNWAY - DAY 101
Palmer sits in her seat on the flight back. She’s sitting
next to a GOOD LOOKING 24 yr old GUY wearing an NYU T-shirt.
L
GUY
So he just drinks all day long and
ig
pays no attention to you?
A
PALMER
When he’s not drinking, he’s out
TI
nd
with one of his girlfriends.
ge
od
GUY
EN
D
Why don’t you just leave him?
ew
PALMER
dr
An
Ke
I could never do that to little
James and Bartles...
E:
D
AM
And we notice... on Palmer’s finger... Danny’s old wedding

N
ring.
ER
FI
D
PALMER (CONT’D)
EN
Let’s just enjoy each other while

/S
N
we can and try not to think about

a
ER
my husband... *
D
O
EA
As the guy agrees... *

ci
R
CUT TO: *
C
102-103 OMIT 102-103 *

tri
104 EXT. AIRPLANE -DAY 104 *

The airplane takes off. *
Pa
FADE TO:
105 AMATEUR VIDEO 105 *
Of Michael swimming with the dolphins. He seems very happy. *
We hear the voices of those who are presumably operating or *
behind the camera. *
DANNY (V.O.) *
The dolphin smiled at him! Did you *
get that? *
(CONTINUED)
133.
105 CONTINUED: 105
KATHERINE (V.O.) *
I think so. How do you zoom on *
this thing? *
MAGGIE (V.O.) *
(French accent) *
I think zee dolphin likes Michael *
tres bien! *
DANNY (V.O.) *
Another accent... *
L
ig
PULL BACK TO REVEAL: *
A
The video is playing on a big video monitor at a... *
TI
nd
106 INT. WEDDING - DAY 106 *
ge
od
We see Maggie and Michael, in their wedding finery, watching *
EN
D
the video with Danny’s parents, Mr. & Mrs. Maccabee. *
ew
MR. MACCABEE
dr *
An
Michael. Ke
You showed that fish who’s boss, *
*
E:
D
AM
MICHAEL *
N
It’s actually not a fish; it’s a *

ER
FI
mammal. *
D
EN
MRS. MACCABEE *
/S
N
Whatever it is, it looked like you *

a
ER
really had fun. Did you get a *

D
turn, Maggie? *
O
EA
ci
R
MAGGIE *
That wasn’t part of the deal. *
C
We begin pulling away... *

tri
MRS. MACCABEE *
Deal? What deal? *
We pan past various tables... Rachel is talking to Adon... *
Pa
RACHEL *
I’m just so afraid it’s going to *
hurt... *
ADON *
Honestly, the nosejob didn’t hurt *
much. The fingernail replacement *
surgery, now that was freakin’ *
painful! *
Adon does his weird laugh. Keep panning. We go past Eddie who *
is dancing with three cute girls gyrating his hips the whole *
time. And finally we settle on Danny, who’s sitting alone at *
(CONTINUED)
134.
106 CONTINUED: 106
a table, in a tux, looking at something, very happy. We hear *
his voice-over. *
DANNY (V.O.) *
So this is me now. Back in the *
temple where I had my heart broken. *
Only this time, I got married... To *
the greatest woman on the face of *
the earth. *
We see he’s looking at the bride, Katherine, who is dancing *
L
with Mr. & Mrs. Maccabee and the kids. *
ig
A
DANNY (V.O.) *
And now if somebody asks me about *
my wedding ring, I’m going to tell *
TI
nd
them I’m married to a woman who *
ge
doesn’t beat me, doesn’t cheat on *
od
me, doesn’t drink - well, doesn’t *
EN
D
drink that much - and who I’m going *
ew
to spend the rest of my life with. *
A woman named Katherine.
dr *
An
Ke
Katherine comes over. She gives him a kiss. *
E:
D
AM
KATHERINE *
N
Do you want to dance with your *

ER
FI
wife, Dr. Maccabee? *

D
EN
DANNY *
/S
N
Without a doubt, Mrs. Maccabee. *

a
ER
And I have to tell you, you were *

right: Soul Patch really can get *
D
O
EA
down on that bass. *

ci
R
CUT TO BRIAN/”SOUL PATCH” (Allen Covert, dressed as Waddy), *

C
slapping a funky one with the wedding band. *

tri
WIDE SHOT - Danny and Katherine hit the dance floor. *

PULL OUT AND FADE *
Pa

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L

COLUMBIA PICTURES 3RD WHITE SHOOTING DRAFT 2/18/10

frizzy hair, pipes up.

The other girls look at each other for a beat. *

You guys, I’m getting married. I’m *

The Bridesmaids squeal with excitement. Then... *

Where is that bad boy? *

CUT BACK TO:

5 INT. BRIDAL ROOM - DAY 5

Veruca and the bridesmaids.

So.. how’d it go with Derek last

I told him if he wanted to stop the

The Bridesmaids squeal again. This time Veruca joins them. *

6 INT. SUBURBAN TEMPLE - BASEMENT (CONTINUOUS) 6

Danny, tears running down his cheeks. *

7 INT. SUBURBAN TEMPLE - VESTIBULE - DAY 7

Danny is standing with his younger cousin EDDIE (also frizzy *

file in behind them. *

Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost

PUERTO RICAN GUY

Baby, I’m no Fred Flintstone, but I

can make your Bedrock!

She takes a seat on the bar stool next to Danny. As she

She sees his wedding ring. Her whole demeanor changes.

school sweetheart. Married right out of

college. We did it on the beach in

Hawaii. By a waterfall. Under a

rainbow. Wrote our own vows. Mine took

5 minutes. I just had so much to say.

So much love to describe. She’s just...

Joanna looks dazed, and a little teary-eyed. *

Sometimes, even in a place like

(gently touches his

Danny nervously takes a drink.

Why don’t you just leave her?

The kids. We put on a good face for

them. But I can’t say I’m not

You poor guy...

They look at each other, stare into each other’s eyes. A

9 INT. DIFFERENT BAR (1991) - NIGHT 9 *

She nods. Danny orders two shots.

DANNY (V.O.) (CONT’D)

I used the ring successfully during

my remaining years in medical

10 EXT. ROOFTOP BAR (1992) - NIGHT 10 *

Danny is sitting with a BLONDE. His nose is half it’s

cardiology and apply for a *

11 INT. BRITISH HOSPITAL (1995) - NIGHT 11

12 INT. SUSHI BAR (2001) - NIGHT 12

Danny is trying to communicate with a hot JAPANESE girl.

...and when I was doing research in

then holds up a picture of Tiger Woods. The Japanese Girl

13,14 OMIT 13,14

A14 INT. SPORTS BAR (2005) - NIGHT A14 *

16 INT. GIRL’S HOUSE (2010) - BEDROOM - DAY 16 *

Danny is quietly collecting his clothes. The Brunette is

sleeping contentedly his bed.

Sometimes I think about throwing

the ring into the ocean. I know

how wrong it is.

ANGLE ON the ring, on Danny’s finger. He eyes it.

preeeeeeecious. And besides -

As Danny leaves the room, we see there’s a note on the pillow