1

AN INFINITE ACHE
By
David Schulner

© by the author

Contact: Beth Blickers

APA
135 West 50th Street, 17th Floor
New York, NY 10020
bblickers@apa-agency.com
212-621-3098

No part of this play may be changed, performed or reproduced without written

permission.
 2

_______________

(A large antique bed dominates the stage. Hand

carved. Ornate wood. There is also a dresser and
night stand in the same style. There is nothing
contemporary except for a ratty tape/radio alarm
clock.

The door opens. The lights come on.)

HOPE
We think we're so sophisticated but going out for a dinner
date is just like an animalistic courtship feeding. Most
male species who wish to copulate with the female first
offer them food.

CHARLES
...Uh huh.

HOPE
Penguins do it. Apes, scorpions, fireflies. The purpose is
to prove to the female that the male will be a good provider
and meet her needs.

(CHARLES kind of nods.)

CHARLES
Uh huh.

(Beat.)

CHARLES
So you did like the salmon?

HOPE
Yeah.

CHARLES
Oh, okay.

(Beat.)

CHARLES
Here it is.

HOPE
Small.
CHARLES
 3

...Well...

HOPE
Just the bed?

CHARLES
And the...[dresser, etc.]

HOPE
And you manage okay?

CHARLES
So far. I do everything on the bed. Eat, read...eat and
read. Sleep. I sleep. It's good. It's fine. You know,
studio apartment. I had a really great time tonight. I
don’t meet----
-well I haven't been--

HOPE
Can I get that glass of water?

CHARLES
Hmmn?

HOPE
Water. Can I get--I'm feeling a little...

CHARLES
Oh, sure.

HOPE
It was a very nice wine but...

CHARLES
I'm a lightweight too.

HOPE
No, I can drink like a horse it was just...very hard
tannins.

CHARLES
Tannins?

HOPE
The wine.

CHARLES
You didn't like it?

HOPE
Not really can I get that water?

CHARLES
Oh yeah sorry.
 4

(CHARLES goes off to the kitchen. HOPE tries to

find something to look at. She finds a little
trinket.)

CHARLES
(off) Can I just say how glad I am that you're not an
actress or used to be an actress or want to be an actress.
I think you're the first person I've met here who isn't or
wasn't or wants to be. It's so refreshing.

HOPE
Who said I wasn’t--

CHARLES
(popping in) Ice, no ice? Who said what?

HOPE
No ice. Uhh, nothing.

CHARLES
(over) No ice.

(He’s off.)

HOPE
What's this?

CHARLES
(off) Um...what are...?

HOPE
It's n--I'll wait for...

(CHARLES comes back in with the water.)

HOPE
This.

CHARLES
Oh. Um...my dad. He makes them--it's uh...soap. He carves
little things out of soap. My mother died and he...uh does
things with soap now. Here.

(He gives her the water.)

HOPE
Are you close?

CHARLES
Oh, ummmmm...

HOPE CHARLES
That’s okay. Don’t... Well, it’s...
 5

Yeah.

(Pause.)

HOPE
What is it you do again?

CHARLES
I'm a historian.

HOPE
...

CHARLES
But not academic. What I do is more opinionated--but
factual--but entertaining. I research you know every angle
of an event and then write it into an imagined historical
narrative. By using a fictional main character within the
factual, historical--

HOPE
No, but for money.

(She drinks.)

CHARLES
I work in a coffee...place.

HOPE
Oh I needed that.

CHARLES
Just for--it's easy. People. I totally forgot what you did
I’m sorry I’m like A.D.D. tonight.

HOPE
(over) Was that tap water?

CHARLES
Yeah. Bad?

HOPE
First rule in Los Angeles. Tap water is about as natural
as...Los Angeles.

CHARLES
(same time) Los Angeles. Got it.

(Pause.)

CHARLES
Where are you from?
 6

HOPE
L.A..

CHARLES
No, I mean umm...you know...where are your parents from?

HOPE
San Francisco.

CHARLES
No no no. I uhh...but you’re uhhh...?

HOPE
...Californian?

CHARLES
Uhhhh...never...mind.

(Pause.)

HOPE
I have grandparents from China and the Philippines.

(CHARLES nods.

Pause.)

CHARLES
Do you like it here? L.A.?

HOPE
No. Not really.

CHARLES
Why’d you stay?

HOPE
Why’d you move?

CHARLES
Because...it’s as far as you can go.

HOPE
From?

CHARLES
...Everywhere else. Every other disappointing place. Your
turn.

HOPE
That sounds about right.

(Pause.)
 7

HOPE
Just get one of those...faucet...filters things. For the...

CHARLES
...I'll put it on my list.

HOPE
Lot of shopping to do?

CHARLES
I don't have anything. Just my clothes.

HOPE
And the bed.

CHARLES
And the bed. And...bed stuff.

HOPE
Where'd it all come from?

CHARLES
...It was my great great grandmothers'. Passed down. All
the way to me.

(HOPE sits.)

HOPE
Comfy.

CHARLES
My whole family was conceived on this bed.

(HOPE gets up.)

HOPE
Wow.

CHARLES
Weird huh?

HOPE
Yeah.

CHARLES
So basically it means I can never get rid of it. No. I
find it really...comforting. Oh! I was going to play you
that song. And here's the book I was telling you about.

HOPE
Are you still reading it?

CHARLES
Yeah, but, go ahead, take it. Let me find that tape.
 8

(CHARLES goes through a drawer. He takes out a

clock radio and searches for the tape.)

HOPE
I do have to wake up early tomorrow.

CHARLES
Oh. Okay. Well. You can take the tape too.

HOPE
...No. I mean I have time to hear it. I don't need to take
it. Or the book really. I just can't stay all night.

CHARLES
Oh, yeah. I mean...first date. Just that you came up--

HOPE
So let's hear it.

CHARLES
(putting it in the radio) Okay--It's so great. It kills me
every time I--okay.

(The song plays.)

CHARLES
Isn't it great?

HOPE
Shhhh.

CHARLES
He's like this modern--

HOPE
Charles.

(The song plays.)

CHARLES
This is my favorite part. I won't say anything--

(The song plays.)

CHARLES
Do you want some more water?

(HOPE shakes her head.

The song plays.

CHARLES shuts off the tape.)

 9

CHARLES
So do you just hate me like am I just an asshole?

HOPE
What?

CHARLES
You're miserable. You're welcome to leave. I hope you're
not just...

HOPE
(over) No. Not at all. My head just feels like a bowling
ball. Being bowled.

CHARLES
I feel like I'm torturing you.

HOPE
No. Not at all.

CHARLES
Are you sure?

HOPE
You're just so...

CHARLES
Unattractive?

HOPE
(laughing) No.

CHARLES
Boring?

HOPE
No. Stop. I was going to say--

CHARLES
Mentally unstable?

HOPE
No! Eager.

CHARLES
Eager. I've never been called--no I take that back. That's
fair. Eager. I like you. Want some more water? I don't
mean to talk so much.

HOPE
You're very...excited.

CHARLES
 10

I keep telling myself to be mysterious and aloof but when I

look at you I just...turn into me. So...

HOPE
That's...good.

CHARLES
I mean don't you wish you could skip all this and get to the
part when we're old and sitting on a porch and watching our
grandchildren playing on a swing?

(Beat.)

CHARLES
See, that wasn't very mysterious and aloof of me.

HOPE
We don't deserve to be old and sitting on a porch. You have
to earn that. If that's your thing being old and sitting on
a porch.

CHARLES
Yeah, I don't know if it is.

HOPE
Breathe. It's just...this wasn't even a date was it? Liz
said you just moved here and didn't know anyone and thought
I could--you thought it was a date. No, I guess it was.

CHARLES
It wasn't supposed to be, you're right, I just...forgot that
part. Like you were talking at dinner and I didn't hear a
thing I was just like nodding while I played out our whole
lives in my head. Marriage, kids, old age. Just flashing
through everything ‘til we got to the porch.

HOPE
That's...okay. Everybody does that.

CHARLES
They do?

HOPE
I think so.

CHARLES
Do you? Did you?

HOPE
...My head really hurts all of a sudden.

CHARLES
...Do you want to lie down?
 11

HOPE
I better not. I don't want to fall asleep.

CHARLES
Yeah.

HOPE
Can I use the bathroom?

CHARLES
Yeah. It's...

HOPE
Okay.

(HOPE goes off.

CHARLES beats himself up.

HOPE is back.)

HOPE
I think I should lie down.

CHARLES
Great. I mean...not...great. Bad. Bad Charles.

HOPE
(over) Maybe I should go.

CHARLES
No. Please. I mean yes. I think...it's...not going very
well, is it?

(Beat.)

HOPE
I think you're very nice, Charles.

(A bomb. He nods.)

HOPE
It isn't... You're right. About tonight. When it really
happens you just know. My grandmother used to tell me this
Chinese legend. She told me lots of them but this is the
only one I can remember. When every child is born, the Gods
tie an invisible red string around their ankles. On the
other end of this string is the child they will wed later in
life. As the years go by, the string becomes shorter and
shorter until finally the couple is united. Nothing in the
world can sever this string. Not distance. Not time. Not
even love.
 12

(CHARLES nods.)

HOPE
You have a word in Yiddish--

CHARLES
Schmuck?

HOPE
No.

CHARLES
Putz?

HOPE
No no. Stop. It means, meant to be...a love that was meant
to be.

CHARLES
...Beshert.

HOPE
Beshert. Right. Beshert. And you just know. In an
instant. Like...can I lie down? I don't think I can drive.

CHARLES
Oh yeah. I didn't think you were so...

HOPE
Neither did I. Just kind of keeps...

CHARLES
Here.

(He settles her in the bed.)

HOPE
That’s a little better.

CHARLES
So we're not...you don't think...

(HOPE shakes her head.)

CHARLES
...That's fine.

HOPE
It was great to finally meet you.

CHARLES
How do you feel?
 13

HOPE
Not so good.

(HOPE takes off her watch.)

CHARLES
What can I do?

HOPE
Don't let me lie here more than an hour?

CHARLES
Okay.

HOPE
I'm going to close my eyes now.

CHARLES
Okay.

(As she goes to sleep:)

HOPE
Maybe beshert...feels like those cliffs outside of San
Francisco. It's so beautiful that...the only way to really
feel it...to really know it...is to dive off the
cliffs...smash your whole body into the surf ...and the
rocks...and the tide pools...until every part of you becomes
a part of that view...becomes a part of something that
beautiful...maybe that. Beshert. ...No more than an hour.

(HOPE sleeps. CHARLES is kneeling by her side.)

CHARLES
Don’t worry about the time. I’m just gonna...

(CHARLES puts the clock/radio in the night stand

drawer or behind something.)

HOPE
Hmmmmn?

CHARLES
Sleep.

HOPE
What time is it?

CHARLES
No time.

HOPE
How long was I asleep for?
 14

(CHARLES takes the clock out. It a completely

different clock with a CD player.)

CHARLES
Not long.

HOPE
Are you crying?

CHARLES
Every time we make love...

HOPE
Yeah?

CHARLES
It's...like a rescue. The way I feel with you. Every time.

HOPE
And that makes you sad?

CHARLES
I get so...there's this...ache? This...loneliness?

(HOPE puts on some cream.)

HOPE
You're probably just confusing the physical with the
metaphysical.

CHARLES
Oh. Okay. I feel much better now.

HOPE
Did you know a man's ejaculation shoots out at almost thirty
miles an hour.

CHARLES
...How should I respond to that?

HOPE
Think about it. That's practically the speed limit on most
residential streets.

CHARLES
Nope. Still no response.

HOPE
You're spent. Your body's spent. And your mind is like,
"what just happened?" It's natural baby.

CHARLES
Okay.
 15

HOPE
Don't sweat it. It's just sex.

CHARLES
Well...

HOPE
Sex can be fun sometimes.

CHARLES
I'm a serious guy, what can I say.

HOPE
Next time we should try something fun.

CHARLES
I can't!

HOPE
You have to!

(They both reach under the pillows and grab a

drawing.)

CHARLES
This was such a horrible idea.

HOPE
I'll show you mine.

CHARLES
I especially don't want to see yours, I really really don't.
I can't draw and I'm sure I look like a mutant this is
really embarrassing!

(HOPE shows him the picture.)

CHARLES
I do not look like that! That is not the face I make!

(HOPE makes the face.)

CHARLES
How can you have sex with me if that's what I look like?

HOPE
You're allowed to make those faces. And they're allowed to
be funny. Now show me me.

CHARLES
I can't.

HOPE
 16

I want to see what I look like!

(CHARLES shows her his drawing.

Silence.)

CHARLES
I tried to be funny but...

HOPE
I'm beautiful.

CHARLES
That's what I see.

(HOPE smiles and takes the drawings.)

CHARLES
Where are you going?

(She exits out the door.)

CHARLES
Hope?

(HOPE comes back with a handful of dresses.)

HOPE
Yeah?

CHARLES
Did you need a hand?

HOPE
No, this is it.

CHARLES
That's all?

HOPE
Just so I don't have to rush home in the morning--

(HOPE puts the dresses in the closet.)

CHARLES
But if you stayed for like the week or something--

HOPE
The week? I told you I'm not living with anyone until--

CHARLES
I know I know. I just thought--

HOPE
 17

What?

CHARLES
How great it’s been. Having you here. For weeks, months at
a time. That I can--

(CHARLES puts his hands on her breasts.)

CHARLES
I can just reach out and touch your breasts. And it's like
we were holding hands or I was playing with your hair.

HOPE
Are you finished?

CHARLES
That I can just have a conversation with you with my hands
cupping your breasts. What a wonderful thing. Can I spend
the day with my hands cupping your breasts? Follow you
around. We can run errands like this. We can live like
this!

HOPE
Go make breakfast.

(CHARLES goes off into the kitchen.)

CHARLES
(off) Do you ever just want to spend the entire day totally
naked and just do everything naked?

HOPE
When I lose five pounds. Miles Davis or Ella?

CHARLES
(off) Miles.

HOPE
What was the question?

CHARLES
(off) French toast or omelet?

(Ella plays on the CD.)

HOPE
French toast.

(CHARLES comes in with pancakes, juice, the

paper and phone on a tray.)

CHARLES
Breakfast is ready.
 18

HOPE
Those pancakes look great.

CHARLES
Banana walnut. The kitchen is destroyed.

(They set up on the bed.)

HOPE
I'll cook next week.

CHARLES
Sundays were so depressing before I met you.

HOPE
Sunday Times, a little jazz, breakfast in bed, you. I don’t
need anything more than this.

CHARLES
Maybe a dog.

(They kiss. Madly. They dive under the covers.

They come out the other end exhausted.)

HOPE
We should get married, don't you think?

CHARLES
Oh, absolutely.

HOPE
And there should be lots of kids.

CHARLES
Almost definitely.

HOPE
Isn’t it great to get past that lovey, touchy, constant sex
phase of the relationship?

CHARLES
(trying hard) Sure.

HOPE
By now we should be making something, building something,
right?

CHARLES
Probably.

HOPE
Since we've reached a plateau and we have to go to the next
level.
 19

CHARLES
Kind of.

HOPE
We’re just coasting slowly down hill, aren’t we?

CHARLES
Not really.

HOPE
Things are completely dead between us, aren’t they?

CHARLES
Not at all.

HOPE
And I think we should stop seeing each other.

CHARLES
When did this happen?

HOPE
I've been trying to tell you.

(HOPE exits.

CHARLES is stunned. He dials the phone.)

CHARLES
(on phone) Hi, it's Charles. I know you're listening to
this so can I just say that I've been thinking about what
you what you what you said the other last before about well-
-and did you know that the first marriages were by capture?
Yeah! The man saw the woman he desired and he took her by
force. With the help of his "best man." Hello? Hello? I
think your machine...(he re-dials) Hi, it's Charles, I like
your new recording. I know you told me not to call again but
I did some more research and I just thought you should know
that for over four hundred years marriage by purchase was
very popular in the civilized--hello? Hello? Hope? I
think my phone must...(he re-dials) Hi, it's Charles, don't
get mad but I got your new unlisted number from Liz and I
was just thinking isn't it interesting that today we marry
for love but for centuries nobody found that necessary.
Love had nothing to do with marriage. People got married to
end starvation, for honor, for inheritance, to stop wars,
because of a plunging birth rate. This is where the idea of
a marriage comes from. And now we're so surprised when
everybody who marries out of love ends up getting divorced
and I know you're going to hang up on me if you're home but
I have to tell you that...

(HOPE enters with a suitcase.

 20

CHARLES hangs up.)

CHARLES
I'm lost without you.

HOPE
Then you need a map not a relationship.

(Pause.)

CHARLES
That was my one line. If that didn't work...

(Pause.)

HOPE
You only thought of one line?

CHARLES
That was the one I settled on.

(Pause.)

HOPE
What were the rejects?

CHARLES
You make me feel like a movie star.

(HOPE laughs.)

CHARLES
Yeah, see. Should I keep going?

HOPE
You're very young.

CHARLES
I can't help that.

(She puts the suitcase on the dresser.)

HOPE
I came to get the rest of my things.

CHARLES
Okay.

HOPE
I have your key too.

CHARLES
Keep it.
 21

HOPE
Charles.

CHARLES
No, I'm moving so...I don't need it.

HOPE
...You're moving?

CHARLES
Just down the street. To a one bedroom. I'm a manager now.
At the coffee--

HOPE
(over) Congratulations.

CHARLES
If you don't quit after three hours that pretty much
guarantees manager status will you move in with me my new
place is much bigger?

(HOPE opens her suitcase.)

HOPE
I just came for my things.

(CHARLES tries to get her to stay.)

CHARLES
I've been thinking very hard about myself and my life and
you which I didn't think I'd have to do at this stage in my
life except I am so there it is but the thing about marriage
is that I don't even know what the hell it is. I don't
think anybody does until they do it and get divorced and try
again,
right? Then they'll know what to do. What mistakes there
are to make, how to avoid them. So I mean I think wouldn't
it be great if I could marry someone I didn't actually love
for practice---
--I mean I know that’s--but then I'll be ready
to marry you with--after I get a divorce from--so our
marriage has a better chance to make it. So forever won't
be just another word.

(HOPE takes a fish bowl out of her suitcase and

puts it in the room.)

CHARLES
And love? Love?! I would rather...go swimming, you know?
I hate that word. Love. It's so used up there's nothing
left for me. For us. I'm just an ordinary guy but no one
tells us how ordinary people should love. There's nothing I
 22

can feel that some woman in some fucking Jane Austin movie
hasn't felt much stronger.

(HOPE takes clothes from her suitcase and puts

them in the dresser.)

CHARLES
Have you noticed that when people fall in love in movies you
never hear what they're saying? And isn't that what really
matters!? It always happens during some montage sequence
when they're walking through a park or talking in the rain
in a park, or having a picnic in the park--while it's
raining. Something quirky and sexy because only quirky and
sexy people deserve to fall in love.

(HOPE takes several plants out of her suitcase and

puts them in the room.)

CHARLES
I mean what movie ever really captured a real, down to
earth, boring, basic kind of love--okay maybe Last Tango in
Paris but I don't see what good that does us in the end and
I'm pretty sure I don't want you to stick your fingers up my
ass.

(Beat.)

CHARLES
Okay, by the look on your face it's clear you haven’t seen
that movie so let's um--the fingers you know, forget--If I
wrote a movie everyone would get divorced and the movie
would end.

(HOPE takes several books from her suitcase and

puts them in the room.)

CHARLES
Because there's nothing I can say that would match the lift
you get when you read Auden or Shakespeare. Oh,
Shakespeare! Fuck him! He ruined everything! What's left
for me? What can I give you that hasn't been given to
someone else so much better?

(HOPE takes some photos out of her suitcase and

puts them in the room.)

CHARLES
Do you even want that kind of love? Wouldn't you rather
read about it? Or wait for the next movie? Love has fully
evolved! Now it has to die like the dinosaurs before it can
be reinvented.

(HOPE takes a box of tampons from her suitcase.

She puts some in the night stand, the rest off.)
 23

CHARLES
Since we've been living together I can feel us start to take
each other for granted and while this should scream,
‘‘Warning! Warning!’’ it just doesn't matter! Um--I
promised myself I wouldn't say ‘‘um.’’ I just need to say
that I can't promise anything. When we're up at the alter
and the priest or the rabbi or the judge or whoever asks me
will you take Hope in sickness and health blah blah blah I
can't say, ‘‘I do.’’ I just can't.

(HOPE takes a blanket from the suitcase and puts

at the foot of the bed.)

CHARLES
Because how can you make a promise like that? How can you
know? I can only say, ‘‘I will try my best.’’ which I think
means so much more in the long run, don't you? Hope? You
CHARLES (cont’d)
know I can even say, ‘‘I will promise to try my best.’’ And
I know your parents will freak out and my father will never
forgive me but I...I don't know anything--which is probably
obvious now--I don't even know if I love you.

(HOPE takes some bras from the suitcase and hangs

them on the knobs of drawers and doors.)

CHARLES
I think I love you, I hope what I feel is love but I don't
trust something that elusive and I don’t think it’s smart to
plan your life around it. All I know is that now, at this
moment--this brief little--that I want to spend my time with
you--my life with you and only you. At least right now.
So...I just want...to ask you...can we try to find love
together--I mean the right--the question is--I mean
traditionally--what I've been trying to--is--oh god, I
didn't think this would be so--should I kneel or is that
just--do I even have to ask--no, I'm going to ask since--so
I think I've ruined the surprise by--okay here it comes--no
that wasn't--okay, yes it was--Hope? Will you...will
you...will you...

(Beat.)

CHARLES
Will you.

(The room has been transformed.

They look at each other.

Long pause.)

HOPE
 24

No.

CHARLES
No?

HOPE
No.

(Pause.)

HOPE
But you can show me the ring.

(CHARLES opens the box for her.)

HOPE
...Oh...it's...

CHARLES
I went with your mother. To Tiffany’s. She gave me money
to buy you something more...she said that's what you’re
accustomed to. This is the cheapest ring at Tiffany’s,
Hope. I thought you should know that. But I paid for it.
This ring is all me.

HOPE
You don’t know what love is.

CHARLES
Do you have to be in love to get married?

HOPE
I think it's in the service somewhere.

CHARLES
So...now what?

HOPE
...I don’t know.

CHARLES
I mean should we...[break up]?

HOPE
Maybe.

CHARLES
Or do we...[stay together]?

HOPE
We could.

CHARLES
...I don’t think...[we should]
 25

HOPE
...No, you’re right.

(Pause.)

CHARLES
Well this is...[weird]

HOPE
Yeah.

CHARLES
I thought you were gonna say yes.

HOPE
Me too.

(Pause.

CHARLES does a little tap step.)

HOPE
(a small laugh) Stop.

(CHARLES does it again.)

HOPE
(laughing) Stop that.

(He does.

CHARLES puts the ring down and exits.

HOPE looks at the ring. She tries it on.

CHARLES comes back immediately with another

suitcase [he is also wearing a gold band].)

HOPE
Now what?

CHARLES
Now what what?

HOPE
I'm looking at my suitcase.

CHARLES
Okay.

HOPE
And I can't unpack it.
 26

CHARLES
Okaaay.

HOPE
Because if I unpack it that means that this is...real. This
is our home. My home. Not just a place where I help pay
the rent, not just a hotel on a honeymoon but a place where
I really really...live. With you. Forever. I can't unpack
my suitcase.

CHARLES
You can wear my clothes.

(That didn’t help.)

CHARLES
You're just nervous.

HOPE
You're not?

CHARLES
We're going to reinvent the whole institution. It'll be
easy.

HOPE
Really?

CHARLES
Sure. Um... We did the threshold part so then...should we
figure out who does what around the house? Like make lists
or something?

HOPE
Maybe I don't want a marriage. Maybe I want a love affair.
Is there a difference? Can we have both? How do we do
that?

CHARLES
You’re asking me?

HOPE
...I am.

(CHARLES better rise to the occasion.)

CHARLES
Always communicate.

HOPE
Even if it's small?

CHARLES
Be honest.
 27

HOPE
Even if it hurts?

CHARLES
No secrets.

HOPE
Unless they protect us.

CHARLES
I'm not sure I agree with that.

HOPE
It's okay to disagree.

CHARLES
Unless I’m clearly right.

HOPE
Of course.

CHARLES
...Hey?

HOPE
Hey what?

CHARLES
...Good luck.

HOPE
...Good luck to you.

(A small kiss.)

CHARLES
That's so patronizing.

HOPE
What is?

CHARLES
You only kiss me when you want me to do something. Like I'm
a child or a pet.

HOPE
I've taken out the trash every week for the last--

CHARLES
Then I'll take out the trash. I don’t need a little treat.
 28

HOPE
(over) Great. That just leaves me the shopping, the
cooking, the cleaning, the dishes---
-

CHARLES
(over) I pay the bills.

HOPE
You write the checks.

CHARLES
So I’ll take out the trash. Forever. All you have to do is
ask.

HOPE
Just ask?

CHARLES
Just ask.

HOPE
Can we have separate bank accounts?

CHARLES
Will you shave my back?

HOPE
Will you not molest me first thing in the morning?

CHARLES
Can we have dinner later?

HOPE
Will you come to bed earlier?

CHARLES
When will your mother leave us alone?

HOPE
When will you realize your father isn't always right?

CHARLES
Will you deal with the wash?

(Taking the clothes from the bed.)

HOPE
My clothes need to be dry-cleaned. You can't throw
everything in the wash.

CHARLES
On the same note you can't take everything to be dry-
cleaned.
 29

HOPE
My clothes are nicer than yours. Are we arguing about the
laundry?

CHARLES
The bank isn't working out.

HOPE
What does that mean?

CHARLES
Well, if I go back to the coffee shop---
--

HOPE
The coffee shop?

CHARLES
(continuous) we can't afford to take every stitch of
clothing to be cleaned professionally.

HOPE
I'm pregnant.

CHARLES
...What?

HOPE
I might be pregnant.

CHARLES
You m--are you or might you be? I might be pregnant, I
doubt it but I might be. Are you?

HOPE
I think so.

CHARLES
So you think you might be pregnant?

HOPE
I am.

CHARLES
So now you are?! Are you getting pregnant standing here
talking to me?!

HOPE
I don't know for sure but I feel it so can we stop arguing
about the laundry!

CHARLES
Yes. There's nothing to argue about. I'll take the wash
downstairs and you'll get rid of the baby.
 30

(Pause.)

CHARLES
What am I supposed to say? Hope?

HOPE
I want to be a young mother.

CHARLES
Since when?

HOPE
My body changed. I changed. It happened.

CHARLES
I don't want to be stuck in a bank. I'm not ready to be
stuck in a bank. We agreed we'd wait.

HOPE
If you love me you'll give me this.

(HOPE takes the wash.)

CHARLES
It has nothing to do with love. It has to do with common
sense.

HOPE
I'm going to the cleaners!

(CHARLES grabs the wash.)

CHARLES
You're not! And you're not making me a father!

(HOPE yanks the wash from CHARLES, pulling out a

baby wrapped in a blanket.

The rest of the clothes fall to the floor.)

HOPE
What's the big deal?

CHARLES
'Cause I wanna hold him.

HOPE
But he made a smelly.

CHARLES
I don't care if he doesn't care.

HOPE
He will care in about two minutes.
 31

CHARLES
Hey Buddy.

HOPE
Can you say, "hey Daddy?"

CHARLES
(to Hope) You look so incredible. You look like you were
just born. Like he gave birth to you.

HOPE
Give me a kiss.

(They kiss.)

HOPE
I'm so happy.

CHARLES
Me too. I feel like we're invincible.

(She cries.)

CHARLES
Don't cry.

HOPE
No. I need to cry.

CHARLES
I never know what to do when you do this.

HOPE
You'll have plenty of time for research later. All that
history won’t go anywhere.

CHARLES
It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t. For the first time in my
life...I really did make something important. I want to run
up to people on the street who don't have babies and yell,
"GET ONE. The meaning of life will become clear. The
universe will make sense." Right Buddy? I'm so glad we
named him Buddy. It's so convenient. Here, let me hold
him.

HOPE
I don't want to agitate him.

CHARLES
Hope.

HOPE
 32

Sorry. Sorry.

(She gives him the baby.)

HOPE
I can't help it.

CHARLES
I know.

HOPE
I feel that animal--all of a sudden I feel this...I know
that I could kill somebody. I mean I am capable of tearing
someone's eyes out if they even looked at Buddy the wrong
way. No I'm serious. There's no question. I am capable of
destruction.

CHARLES
Buddy, if anyone gives you trouble don't go to Mommy.

HOPE
Either you protect your child or...

CHARLES
Or...?

HOPE
What would be the worst thing I could say?

CHARLES
I don't know.

HOPE
Tell me. The absolute...

CHARLES
Hope?

HOPE
The worst. Tell me.

CHARLES
What is it?

HOPE
I called. At one. Hysterical. I never needed you more.
And you weren’t...

CHARLES
I’m here now, what is it?

HOPE
You’re too late. I have to get back.
 33

CHARLES
Back where?

HOPE
I have to get back!

(Pause.)

HOPE
I was shopping. At that discount...I was trying to be
careful about our money. Be more careful about our money,
you say, over and over.

(HOPE begins to slowly unwrap the blanket around

the baby.)

HOPE
And I'm going through the isles--

CHARLES
Where's the baby?

HOPE
Everything is in a different place. I have to look
everywhere for each little thing. It takes me so long to
find what I need. And Buddy wakes up. He's ready for his
feeding. But we're in the bread isle. I had planned to be
home by now but we're in the bread isle.

(HOPE still unwraps the blanket.)

CHARLES
Hope?

HOPE
And now Buddy's screaming and I'm in a new place, a place I
would rather not be and I'm racing through the isles now,
milk, yogurt, cheese, and guess what?

(No response.)

HOPE
Guess what?

CHARLES
...What?

HOPE
Buddy stops crying. He thought it was fun. He thought it
was a game. I was so...relieved. And now he's looking at
me with something like patience. It was beautiful. And I
kissed him. And he closed his eyes. Can you believe it?
Asleep.
 34

CHARLES
Where is he?

HOPE
I kissed him.

CHARLES
Hope?

HOPE
I kissed him and he closed his eyes. I turned my back. To
get some chips. I turned--maybe I just looked around the
isle--I don't...I must have been...just two steps...and when
I came back...he...the seat...on the cart...it wasn’t...and
he wasn’t...

(The blanket is unraveled. There is no baby. The

blanket just hangs in her hands.)

HOPE
and there...on the tile...shiny white floor...same peaceful-
-lying there...his neck...I called at one. Hysterical. I
never needed you...my parents met me at the hospital. I
came back to get his blanket. I couldn't stay there. I
couldn't look--don't you dare reassure me.

CHARLES
Hope--

HOPE
Don't you dare. I have to get back.

(HOPE moves to the door.)

HOPE
I have to get back.

(HOPE can’t move.)

HOPE
I don't remember who I was before one o'clock.

(Silence.)

HOPE
I don't think I'll ever come back.

(Silence.)

HOPE
The only thing worse...would be if I did. I would hate that
person.
 35

CHARLES
I would hate her too.

(CHARLES exits.

HOPE sits on the bed.

CHARLES re-enters and sits next to her.

HOPE takes a remote control from the drawer and

turns on the TV [out front]. The lights
reflecting off her face.

They watch the television. No sound is heard.

HOPE holds her swollen breasts.

Long Silence.

CHARLES takes her hand. She immediately

withdraws.

Long silence.

CHARLES tries again. They stay hand in hand.

Long silence.

He brings her hand to his lips.)

HOPE
Stop.

(Long silence.

CHARLES kisses her shoulder.

Long silence.

CHARLES kisses her cheek.)

HOPE
Don’t do that.

(Long silence.

CHARLES kisses her ear.)

HOPE
(smiling) I’m watching this for a class, do you mind?

(Silence.

A baby cries from the other room.)

 36

HOPE
Your turn.

CHARLES
Doesn't she know I'm trying to get some sugar?

(CHARLES kisses her. The baby cries louder.)

CHARLES
I'm coming I'm coming. It's always my turn have you noticed
that?

HOPE
My term paper thanks you.

(CHARLES exits.

He comes back with a baby in a blanket.

HOPE turns off the TV and puts on some cream.)

HOPE
Here's my girl.

CHARLES
She just wants a little attention. A little bouncy, right
Julia? Oh, I could just eat her up.

(CHARLES bounces the baby.)

HOPE
The new therapist told me--

CHARLES
What's this one's name.

HOPE
Her name is Dr. Patty.

CHARLES
Do you call her Dr. Patty?

HOPE
She tells me that the very first parents in the history of
the world loved their children so much that they ate them.
They loved them so very very much that they wanted to just
gobble them up, and they did. And God said, "Uh oh, this
can't keep happening." So God had to reduce--

CHARLES
(over) This is some mythology?

HOPE
 37

So God had to reduce the power of love by ninety-nine

percent. He didn't realize love was that strong. Too
strong. And what we're left with today is only one tiny
percent of what love used to be. So when you say, "I could
just eat her up she’s so cute.", that's where it comes from.
And she wants to see me three days a week.

(CHARLES puts the baby back in her room.)

CHARLES
Hope, between school and therapy you’ll never be home.

HOPE
This was all your idea, everything I’m doing.

CHARLES
I know but...where does that leave our family?

HOPE
I'm starting to feel like me again.

CHARLES
How can I say no to that? Have you at least talked
about...?

HOPE
I can’t.

CHARLES
Okay but--

(HOPE rolls over on her side.)

CHARLES
...Okay.

HOPE
We'll find a way to make it work.

(CHARLES nods.)

HOPE
Night.

CHARLES
...Night.

(They each turn their bedside lights out and go to

sleep.

Black.)

CHARLES
Hope?
 38

(No response.)

CHARLES
Hope?

HOPE
Hmmmn?

CHARLES
Are you asleep?

(CHARLES turns his light on.)

HOPE
What?

CHARLES
I want Julia to be Jewish.

HOPE
What?

CHARLES
I want her to be like me.

HOPE
What does that mean?

CHARLES
I don't want her to be nothing.

HOPE
She's not nothing. She's the best parts of both of us.

CHARLES
But she looks like you. Inside she should be like me.

(CHARLES turns his light off.)

HOPE
Charles?

(No response.)

HOPE
Charles?

CHARLES
Hmmmn?

HOPE
Are you sleeping?
 39

(HOPE turns her light on.)

CHARLES
Hmmmmn?

HOPE
I want to go to Vienna.

CHARLES
(sleeping) Right now?

HOPE
For my graduation gift.

CHARLES
You still have another year to...

HOPE
(over) So I can go to the Allgemeines Krankenhaus, Cafe
Landtmann on the Ring where Freud used to have coffee, 19
Berggasse, University of Vienna, I feel like I've been
studying this for so long I can see where everything
started.

CHARLES
I never really wanted to go to Vienna but...I'm sure we'll
have a great time.

HOPE
I want to go alone.

(HOPE turns her light off.

They both turn their lights on.)

CHARLES
I could too!

HOPE
Don't be absurd.

CHARLES
How could you even think that about me?

HOPE
Because that's who you are.

CHARLES
That's not who I am!

HOPE
You're telling me you could spend a year living in a hut in
Tibet?
 40

CHARLES
Who even mentioned Tibet, I just said I would have loved to
take a grand adventure somewhere remote and live very hand
to mouth!

HOPE
(over) Well Tibet is remote!

CHARLES
(continuous) And you're saying I couldn't do that!

HOPE
It takes you three cups of coffee to get in the shower.

CHARLES
But this--so what--when you say I couldn't--

HOPE
(over) Why is this such a big deal?

CHARLES
Because if you think that's not who I am, when I'm saying
that is who I am--

HOPE
(over) Living hand to mouth in a hut in Tibet for a year!

CHARLES
(over) Yes, living hand to mouth in a hut in Tibet for a
year, if I wanted to--and that's a part of me that you don't
see then you're not seeing me. Because I would have loved
to do that. I still would.

HOPE
So why don't you?

CHARLES
Because my life didn't turn out that way.

HOPE
I just don't think you could.

CHARLES
Then you don't really know me.

HOPE
I guess not.

(They both turn their lights out.)

CHARLES
Hope?

HOPE
 41

Yes?

CHARLES
Can I get a dog?

HOPE
We're not getting a dog.

(LOUD BARKING from off.)

HOPE and CHARLES

SHUT UP!

HOPE
Sorry we had to get rid of the dog.

CHARLES
That's okay.

(HOPE turns her light on.)

HOPE
Charles?

CHARLES
Hmmmn?

HOPE
Are you happy?

CHARLES
Define happy.

(HOPE turns her light off.

CHARLES turns his light on.)

CHARLES
Hope?

HOPE
Hmmmn?

CHARLES
Do you still love me?

HOPE
In what way?

(CHARLES turns his light off.

HOPE turns her light on.)

HOPE
 42

Charles?

CHARLES
What?

HOPE
...Never mind.

(HOPE turns her light off.

CHARLES turns his light on.)

CHARLES
Hope?

HOPE
What?

CHARLES
...Nothing.

(CHARLES turns his light off.

They both turn their light on.)

HOPE
Dr. Jerry says we should find a safe time to express our
unharmoniousness.

CHARLES
I'm not unharmonious.

HOPE
You never touch me.

CHARLES
I work seventy hours a week.

HOPE
I'm just expressing my unharmoniousness.

CHARLES
You take me for granted.

HOPE
I work just as much as you do.

CHARLES
I'm just expressing my unharmoniousness is that even a
fucking word?!

(They turn their lights out.

They turn their lights on.)

 43

HOPE
Dr. Mark thinks we did very well on expressing our
vexatiousness within the relationship...now he wants us to
express our felicitousness or what he calls our,
"Gemutlichkeit."

(Beat.

They turn their lights off.)

HOPE
What happened to us?

CHARLES
What does Dr. Ben think?

HOPE
Fuck Dr. Ben.

CHARLES
I'm so glad you said that.

HOPE
I feel like I'm living with my brother. I want to draw an
imaginary line down our bed.

CHARLES
What can we do?

(HOPE straddles CHARLES.)

CHARLES
Hope?

HOPE
Shut up.

CHARLES
Okay.

(The main lights come on.

CHARLES is kneeling on the bed with the covers up

to his neck.

HOPE's legs are around CHARLES' neck. This is all

we see of her.)

CHARLES
Julia! Um...your mother and I...can you turn off the
lights...please?

(Half the lights go out.)

 44

CHARLES
Okay uh...how about now both together?

(The other half goes out but the first half comes
back on.)

CHARLES
You know what just...just leave it and uh...

HOPE
(under covers) We’ll see you in a couple minutes.

CHARLES
Right. We’ll see you in a couple minutes.

(The lights go black.

They jump out of bed.

The lights come on.

They bring in a trunk for the foot of the bed.)

HOPE
I got there first thing in the morning I was so excited.
It's designed by the same artist who did our bed. The
dealer calls him an artist, isn't that great?

CHARLES
I'm afraid to ask what this cost.

HOPE
It doesn't matter.

CHARLES
"It doesn't matter" means "Even more than you actually
think."

HOPE
(over) I got the job.

CHARLES
You got it?

HOPE
I got it.

CHARLES
Hope--!

HOPE
 45

But I'll be making more money than you.

CHARLES
Everybody makes more money than me. We can eat at
restaurants, I'm thrilled. I'm so proud of you.

HOPE
I'll be teaching one of the two hundred classes. Mainly
Behavioral. Skinner. Everything I like. You're not
threatened?

CHARLES
I can be if you want.

HOPE
How about a kiss instead.

(They go to kiss but--

a car horn blasts.)

HOPE
Oh, god, they're early!

CHARLES
Jules is still eating breakfast!

HOPE
Get the camera.

CHARLES
Where'd I put it?

HOPE
(out the door) Julia!! It's time!! Oh, God. First grade
is when I really started remembering things. Boys, friends,
clothes...

CHARLES
I'll get her lunch. You find the camera.

(CHARLES exits.

HOPE pulls out an ornate Chinese dress.

CHARLES re-enters.)

CHARLES
She won’t come out. She says she’ll spend the summer in her
room.
 46

HOPE
That defeats the purpose of sleep-away camp doesn’t it?

CHARLES
What the hell’s that?

HOPE
It’s a Cheong-Sam, my parents bought it for her.

CHARLES
She’ll be in the woods!

HOPE
They just want her to know where she came from---
--I’ll talk
to her, see if you can find the camera.

(HOPE exits.

CHARLES finds a yarmulke and he tries to get it to

stay on his head.

HOPE re-enters.)

CHARLES
How does she look?

HOPE
...Beautiful. I guess.

CHARLES
Today she becomes a woman. Like my mother was. And her
mother was.

HOPE
I know.

CHARLES
(exiting) Did you find the camera?

HOPE
I don’t even recognize her.

CHARLES
My little girl.

(CHARLES exits.

HOPE finds a bottle of rum and an eight pack of

condoms.

CHARLES re-enters.)

CHARLES
She's totally plastered.
 47

HOPE
I can’t believe this. Did you talk to her?

CHARLES
She's hanging over the toilet what are we going to say?

HOPE
What are you going to say? Stop drinking! Stop smoking!
Stop screwing! Here, take these, go!

(She pushes CHARLES out the door.)

HOPE
If we're not having sex I'll be damned if she's going to!

(CHARLES enters holding a baby. He throws HOPE

the baby.)

CHARLES
Hope!

(Hope catches it.)

HOPE
Don't throw that, it's practically an antique.

CHARLES
She doesn't want it. She told me to fuck off.

HOPE
Welcome to my world.

CHARLES
I simply ask why she doesn’t want to pack her Jamie doll.
Not to mention all of Grandpa’s soap that he made for her.
So she tells me everyone in her dorm-room would laugh. She
tells me how out of touch I am with her generation--but I
know she means her specifically--

HOPE
Very good.

CHARLES
And how she can't wait to get the fuck out of here and I
tell her not to use that language in the house and then she
tells me to fuck off.

HOPE
I'm surprised she didn't mention how much I've ruined her
life.

CHARLES
 48

Oh, I forgot. She mentioned how much you've ruined her

life.

HOPE
Let's move and not tell her.

CHARLES
We'll leave a note, "Couldn't wait to get the fuck out."

HOPE
Can you hate your own child?

CHARLES
You would have thought...

HOPE
What?

CHARLES
Like we were owed something special. To make up...

HOPE
Don’t.

CHARLES
I've been thinking about him a lot lately.

HOPE
Please stop.

CHARLES
He'd be graduating now.

HOPE
Please Charles.

CHARLES
...Okay.

(They sit.)

HOPE
Bizarre, isn't it?

CHARLES
I know.

HOPE
No driving.

CHARLES
No screaming.

HOPE
 49

Not even a phone call.

CHARLES
She was the only one on campus without a car.

HOPE
She'll thank us later.

CHARLES
What did we do before we were parents?

HOPE
I don't even remember.

CHARLES
Did we go places?

HOPE
We couldn't afford it.

CHARLES
Does all this time scare you? ...All this time with just
me?

HOPE
I feel like I barely remember you.

(CHARLES nods his head.)

HOPE
But I'd like to get to know you again.

CHARLES
And if I'm not the person you fell in love with?

HOPE
I hope you're not. I don't think I could love that person
again. Now. We must have gotten very lucky.

CHARLES
Lucky?

HOPE
The parts of you I fell in love with aren't what I love
anymore. What made me want to spend my life with you is not
why I'm so glad I did. It feels like a big mistake.
Everything.

CHARLES
Without all the distractions I’m afraid you’ll see...I don't
know what you'll see.

HOPE
That's fair.
 50

CHARLES
That wasn't very reassuring.

HOPE
You're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling.

CHARLES
I don't like it when you patient me.

(CHARLES is looking for his coat.)

HOPE
Sorry. I'm trying to help.

CHARLES
Me too.

HOPE
By leaving you’re not helping.

CHARLES
I couldn’t pass this up, Hope.

HOPE
I was looking forward to this so much. Us being together.
Alone.

CHARLES
When I get back.

HOPE
But then you’re gone again.

CHARLES
This is my chance to start making a living for once.

HOPE
We make a living.

CHARLES
You make a living. I make...I need to do this for me. I
know the timing stinks.

HOPE
You don’t even know what market research means.

CHARLES
It's just a week.

HOPE
I know.

CHARLES
 51

It's just another week.

HOPE
I know.

CHARLES
It’s just two weeks.

HOPE
I know.

CHARLES
It's just three weeks.

HOPE
I know.

CHARLES
These are my weeks.

(Beat.)

HOPE
I know.

(CHARLES kisses her on the cheek and leaves.

The phone rings. HOPE looks at her watch. She

picks up the phone.)

HOPE
Hello, Charles. ...Because it's ten. Always at ten.
...That's you. You know, no one seems to get better I blame
myself I tell my shrink he blames himself he tells his
shrink it's the end of the world how's this one? ...And the
hotel?

(CHARLES enters.)

CHARLES
Where do we keep the mustard?

HOPE
Hold on Jules. (to Charles) Side door when you open the
fridge.

(CHARLES leaves.)

HOPE
(on phone) Hello, Charles. ...Because it's ten. Always at
ten. ...You know, this week everyone's worse I blame myself
how’s this one? ...And the hotel?
 52

(The toilet flushes. HOPE reacts.)

HOPE
...No why? ...No. That was me. I just flushed it.
...Coming in at six, I'll be there. ...Okay, see you then.

(CHARLES enters.)

CHARLES
I want an explanation. I want you to fucking beg for my
forgiveness.

HOPE
You don't deserve that.

CHARLES
You've hurt me more than anyone else. How is that possible?
The person I love the most--

HOPE
It's just proximity.

CHARLES
What?

HOPE
We've physically shared the same space longer than anyone
else so of course we would affect each other
proportionately.

CHARLES
Most people become more beautiful the smarter they get while
others just become fucking ugly. How could you do this to
me?

(The phone rings.)

CHARLES
Don't get it.

(HOPE gets the phone.)

CHARLES
Don’t get it!

HOPE
Hello? ...Hi, Jules, I’m fighting with your father I’ll
call you back.

(CHARLES grabs the phone from her and throws it.)

 53

CHARLES
(over) She doesn’t need to know what we’re--

HOPE
(over) You never talk to her so how do you know what she
needs?

CHARLES
(over) What does that mean, I never talk to her---
--

HOPE
(over) Do you even know what that man is doing to her?

CHARLES
No wonder she hates you as much as she does.

HOPE
I’m not going to let her marry a monster.

CHARLES
She loves him so stay out of it.

HOPE
It's because he's a Jew. That's the only reason you like
him.

CHARLES
I won’t talk about this with you. I want to talk about what
you did to me.

HOPE
(over) That's right. Because I'm insensitive. I don't
understand what you go through as a Jew.

CHARLES
You don’t.

HOPE
You hated every Asian man she ever dated.

CHARLES
It wasn't because they were Asian.

HOPE
They were smarter than you. Richer than you. More traveled
than you.

CHARLES
(over) Get to the point!

HOPE
 54

You're trying to phase me out. My name is gone. My child

is some twinkie--there's only a little of me left in her and
when she has children there will be even less. There won't
be any of me left. You want that.

CHARLES
Maybe she's just taking after her mother. Maybe she's sick
of her yellow skin and her crooked eyes so she'll marry
someone who takes her far away from that.

HOPE
That's not why I married you.

CHARLES
I don't even remember, okay? I don't remember who we were
then.

HOPE
I remember everything. Every inch of a twenty-five year old
boy. I memorized him. That's how much I loved him. And I
don't see anything of him in you. You became a cardboard
cut-out of yourself. You're flat. You're unrecognizable.

CHARLES
Then you turned me into that. You were such a basket case
after Buddy died I had to become grounded, I had to become
flat to balance you out. You couldn't even stand up without
me. You couldn't eat without me. Just sat in front of the
television. I lost myself for you.

HOPE
Don't bring him into this.

CHARLES
Don't you dare tell me not to talk about my son! Twenty-
five years Hope! He was mine too. And you impose this
silence on me. Erasing him. You've killed him a second
time with this silence.

(Silence.)

HOPE
How could I love you without erasing him? How could I keep
loving you? When every time I looked at you I saw him, when
every time I touched you I felt him. I couldn't keep you
both, Charles. I couldn't live with both of you inside me.
I had to erase one of you. And I chose him. I chose my
first baby. For you. So if you want to bring him back he
takes your place. And believe me, if I could touch him
again...if I could talk to him...I would erase every spec of
you. I would wipe you out in a heartbeat.

(Silence.)
 55

CHARLES
I wish I never forgave you.

HOPE
The normal thing would be to pack a bag but since you have
so many packed bags...

CHARLES
You want me to leave?

HOPE
The normal thing would be to find a new place to live but
since you live in a hotel three out of four weeks...

CHARLES
So any love between us...

HOPE
Love is the least there should be. Love is bare minimum.

(Silence.)

CHARLES
So this is it?

HOPE
Why not. So predictable. Why should we be spared. I'll
wait in the other room until you're gone.

(CHARLES does a small tap step.

Silence.)

HOPE
That's the boy I fell in love with.

(HOPE exits out the door.

CHARLES looks at the room. He exits.

HOPE comes back in with a stair master type

machine and new rug. She puts them in the room
and exits.

CHARLES comes back with a glass of water. He

waters the plants and exits.

HOPE comes in with two new plants and a rocking

chair. She puts the new plants in place of the
old plants and exits.

CHARLES comes back with a glass of water. He

waters the new plants and exits back into the
bathroom.
 56

HOPE comes in with a three panel Chinese screen

which she puts in the room.

CHARLES comes in with a glass of water.)

HOPE
Oh, God!

CHARLES
Hi.

HOPE
You scared the life out of me.

CHARLES HOPE
Sorry. I just came by to What are you doing
here?
get a few things.

HOPE
Okay but...

CHARLES HOPE
I should have called, I You know you're supposed
know. to call.

CHARLES
I know.

HOPE
Okay.

(Beat.)

CHARLES
(the plants) I like these. What are they called?

HOPE
I don't know but they're great. I never water them but they
keep thriving.

(CHARLES smiles.)

HOPE
What?

CHARLES
I like what you've done. It makes it yours.

HOPE
When you want your furniture--
 57

CHARLES
I don't have enough space. I'm still in the studio.

HOPE
All this used to fit...

CHARLES
I know. But when I do--God you look good.

(Beat.)

CHARLES
Sorry. Slipped.

HOPE
No. No harm.

CHARLES
I'll go now.

(He moves to go.)

HOPE
What about your things?

CHARLES
What?

HOPE
What you came for.

CHARLES
Oh.

(Pause.)

CHARLES
I water the plants. That's why I'm...I never come when I
know you'll be here.

HOPE
...For how long? The plants.

CHARLES
I wanted to be in our room.

(Pause.)

HOPE
How’s work?
 58

CHARLES
Well, since Jules--She said she bought you one of those
new...what are they called?

HOPE
I'm embarrassed to drive it my patients think I over-charge
them as it is.

CHARLES
She just wrote me a check. "Advance on your book" it said
in that little...space on the...

HOPE
She told me. I said it would drive you mad.

CHARLES
It did. For about a minute. Then I quit my job and started
my research. Finally.

HOPE
Congratulations.

CHARLES
Can we date?

HOPE
(laughing) Like can you be my boyfriend, no.

CHARLES
You're seeing someone?

HOPE
Okay. Time to go.

CHARLES
No. Please? Can I ask you on a date?

HOPE
I'm going to say no, Charles.

CHARLES
Will you come out to dinner with me?

(Pushing him to the door.)

HOPE
No.

CHARLES
Would you go to lunch with me?

HOPE
No.
 59

CHARLES
Will you join me for breakfast?

HOPE
No.

CHARLES
Can I buy you a drink?

HOPE
Fine, now go.

CHARLES
Can I--

HOPE
I said yes.

(They make their way to the bed.)

CHARLES
Let me get my bearings.

HOPE
Oh, come on.

CHARLES
I'm serious.

HOPE
We only had one bottle.

CHARLES
I had a few shots before.

HOPE
I thought you seemed relaxed.

CHARLES
I was very relaxed.

HOPE
I took a tranquilizer.

CHARLES
I thought you seemed--

HOPE
I can't believe I invited you in. Here.

CHARLES
I can't believe I had to be invited.
 60

HOPE
I didn't let you on that first one.

CHARLES
I didn't ask.

HOPE
I was proud of you.

CHARLES
I'm trying.

HOPE
What happens when you stop trying?

CHARLES
...I think we know what happens.

HOPE
...Who are you?

CHARLES
Hi, my name is Charles. You might remember me from my role
as your husband in our previous marriage which was a bit
underplayed perhaps. A rather dull performance. And who
are you?

HOPE
Charles.

CHARLES
I'm afraid the role of Charles is being played by--

HOPE
Hi. My name is Hope. I'm prescribing myself valium so I
can date my ex-husband. Perhaps you will remember my
performance as the spoiled and condescending wife of
Charles.

(Silence.)

HOPE
You should go.

CHARLES
I know.

HOPE
Because if you stay...

CHARLES
I know.
 61

HOPE
Between the liquor and the drugs...

CHARLES
Off to a healthy start.

HOPE
Or you can tell me about your book.

CHARLES
I'll go.

HOPE
Charles.

CHARLES
It would be a disappointment. I would be.

HOPE
How?

CHARLES
Nebular.

(Beat.)

CHARLES
That's the...name of the galaxy--and the book. It's about a
group of renegade aliens who lay siege on the galaxy of
Nebular. The last remaining outpost of human life.

HOPE
Science fiction. What's wrong with science fiction?

CHARLES
I wanted to dig up the past. Provoke people to find their
history. But after...living a little...I just wanted a
break from tragedy and provocation. Consequently Nebular is
the furthest galaxy from Earth.

HOPE
I didn't know that.

CHARLES
No. In my book.

HOPE
Oh.

(The phone rings.)

HOPE
I don't have to get it.
 62

CHARLES
No. Get it.

(HOPE gets the phone.)

HOPE
Hello? ...Hi, honey. ...I love you so much. ...I'm fine,
I just thought I'd tell you. ...It's going well. He's here
right now. ...Date number...I've lost count. ...Once a
week you know where to find us. ...Okay. ...Here he is.

(She gives the phone to CHARLES.)

CHARLES
Hey, sweetie. ...I'm great. ...I know, well, it's new for
me too. ...That's not why I'm writing it but that's great,
if you know movie people... ...Okay. Love you too.

(He hangs up.)

HOPE
Next week?

CHARLES
Of course.

HOPE
...The time we had apart was very important to me.

CHARLES
I never wanted to speak to you again. Look at you again.
And then...? What?

HOPE
Time, I guess. That’s all. Has a way of wiping things out.

CHARLES
While other things...

HOPE
I don't want what we had, Charles. Not anymore. At this
point I just want a dear friend who can spend the night.

CHARLES
Okay.

HOPE
This doesn't mean the problems go away. It just means now
we’ll have a whole new set of problems.

CHARLES
I love you.

HOPE
 63

And love just means you're worth all your problems.

(They sit on the bed.)

CHARLES
I wouldn't have made it without you.

HOPE
You would have.

CHARLES
I knew it was coming but...

HOPE
I know.

CHARLES
At the funeral I kept thinking what if I didn't have you?
What if he died and I was alone? Is that terrible? At the
grave when I should have been thinking of him.

HOPE
No.

CHARLES
And on the casket were all those little soap...things--what
were half of those--everyone brought one. He gave away so
many and...I'm not a son anymore. I've been a son my whole
life. Just when I found myself again. Now I'm someone
else. I just want to stand still for a second.

HOPE
I know.

CHARLES
Does it bother you that...the sex...?

HOPE
What makes you say that?

CHARLES
I don't know. Sex and death.

HOPE
Does it bother you?

CHARLES
Since the surgery I feel...

HOPE
Honey, if you only knew what my body’s been doing.
 64

CHARLES
But since I need help...I feel less...

(They kiss. Tender. Simple.)

CHARLES
It took the whole pharmacy but we did it.

HOPE
It's so much better now.
CHARLES
Oh, stop.

HOPE
It is.

CHARLES
Have I ever told you about this...ache...at the height of my
love for you, this terrible, beautiful...

(CHARLES gets up and goes to the mirror.)

HOPE
It's still there? My sweet baby. You look so handsome.

(HOPE goes to the night stand where her glasses

are.)

CHARLES
What was that?

HOPE
I said I can’t find my glasses.

CHARLES
You know exactly where they are.

HOPE
Well, they’re the wrong prescription then.

CHARLES
The prescription’s fine.

HOPE
But they make me feel...

CHARLES
What was that?

HOPE
I said, take that thing off your head. It looks like a
ferret.
 65

CHARLES
It doesn’t look like a ferret.

HOPE
If I see it on your head again I’m taking aim.

CHARLES
What was that?

HOPE
I said--do you have your hearing turned up all the--

CHARLES
(over) It's fine, leave it alone.

HOPE
It was turned off.

CHARLES
I can hear fine.

HOPE
So you turn it off and then put it back in?

CHARLES
I’m protesting.

(CHARLES combs his hair.

HOPE tidies up the room.)

HOPE
Why are you so nervous?

CHARLES
This producer looks like he's twelve. Thirteen tops. He'll
need a note to get out of school to be on the set.

HOPE
So he's the one who should be nervous.

CHARLES
He wants the aliens to be racier, hipper, more self-
consciously wry and ironic so we can appeal to a younger
demographic. I told him if these audiences were any younger
they would have to come in the womb.

HOPE
Okay. Out of the mirror now.

CHARLES
I'll stop with the mirror when you stop cleaning yourself
into an early grave.
 66

HOPE
I want the house to look nice for Jules and the kids.

CHARLES
They should be here by now. Sit.

HOPE
You sit.

CHARLES
Fine. I'm sitting.

HOPE
I'm sitting too.

(HOPE puts on cream.)

CHARLES
We should have gotten them.

HOPE
You can't drive at night are you suicidal?

CHARLES
I don't look like me. In the mirror.

HOPE
You look like you. I on the other hand...I look like my
mother. All my life I'm me, as soon as she dies, I'm her.
Maybe Jules will be me. Maybe that's where I'll go.

CHARLES
You still look twenty-seven to me.

HOPE
That's nice.

CHARLES
You do.

HOPE
I said that's nice.

(HOPE gets up.)

HOPE
God they wear me out.

(She gets a newspaper and gives some to CHARLES.)

CHARLES
The kids have grown.
 67

(He does a crossword and she cuts out articles.)

HOPE
They'll do that.

CHARLES
When you don't see them but for here and there...

HOPE
Sure.

CHARLES
I'll bet if you just sat and watched them for twenty years
you wouldn't notice anything.

HOPE
You do that.

CHARLES
But see them a day here, a day there, you notice. Stop with
the scissors. I haven't read that yet.

HOPE
I want to send this to Eileen. All about that school she
wants...oh...

CHARLES
Jimmy.

HOPE
Jimmy to go to. I keep wanting to say Benny.

CHARLES
Benjamin is--

HOPE
I know who Benjamin is. From my brain to my mouth is all.

CHARLES
They should be here by now.

HOPE
Stop fidgeting will you? Go outside and sit on the porch.
The kids are playing on the swing.

CHARLES
It’s too hot on the porch. And watching that swing makes me
dizzy.

HOPE
Ach, my fingers are too swollen to do this.

CHARLES
I still love your fingers.
 68

HOPE
My eyes can't even see with the glasses on.

CHARLES
I still love your eyes.

HOPE
My back is so crooked it hurts just to sit.

CHARLES
I still love your back.

HOPE
But how? How can you love what isn't there anymore? And my
hair is falling out. You always loved my hair. And they
took my breasts away. You always loved my breasts. What’s
left of me to love? My legs can't even get up the stairs.

CHARLES
I still love your legs.

HOPE
Charles.

CHARLES
So we'll move someplace smaller.

HOPE
Then where will all the kids sleep?

CHARLES
The kids are staying with their father. Jules is coming by
herself.

HOPE
I told you.

CHARLES
Maybe they'll work it out. We worked it out.

HOPE
You don't know what he did to her.

CHARLES
Put the paper and the creams away. The Realtor is coming at
two.

HOPE
Is this the best offer we’ll get?

CHARLES
We can’t stay here any longer.
 69

HOPE
Charles, what should we do?

CHARLES
Make love on the couch at one-fifty.

(Slowly, they begin to gather all the items around

the room. Some items fill the trunk, some go off
in chairs, some are carried.)

HOPE
That was the sweetest my darling.

CHARLES
I liked Brian's wedding better.

HOPE
Better than the one with the pulp?

(CHARLES takes the exercise machine off stage.)

CHARLES
You know I hate those exercises.

HOPE
But they help the environment.

CHARLES
They should call it assisted dying that place.

(HOPE pushes the plants off stage.)

HOPE
Well if you don't water them, that's what happens.

CHARLES
I thought it was your job to talk to the buyers.

HOPE
I did. I told Jules to stay where she is we're managing
fine.

CHARLES
As long as that tall nurse leaves me alone.

HOPE
Regardless, she wants you to walk her down the isle.

CHARLES
Not if I can't find my plugs I can't.

HOPE
They're in Santa Monica now with Eileen.
 70

CHARLES
You have a private room there this time.

HOPE
I love it, these aliens are the best yet.

(CHARLES takes the screen off stage.)

CHARLES
Not better than Gordon's funeral.

HOPE
Well, with all that rock and roll music and that disco ball
who could tell who was dancing with who.

CHARLES
I could tell with her face pulled back like saran wrap,
Jules isn't fooling anyone.

(HOPE wheels off a chair.)

HOPE
She did it because someone keeps messing with the
thermostat.

CHARLES
Well, I can’t remember if I take it before the white pill or
after?

HOPE
Don't blame me if you can't work the microwave by now.

CHARLES
I'm not, I just can't go to another child's funeral.

HOPE
It'll be so much fun in those beautiful gardens.

CHARLES
But we have Liz’s memorial that day.

HOPE
(on the phone) For twenty years I've been taking one
aspirin a day to help with the arthritis but all that
aspirin gave me an ulcer and it thinned the blood so much
they think I'm anemic, so they take me off the aspirin and
give me blood twice a week but I can't get to the hospital
because of my hip so they tell me to use a cane but I can't
because it hurts my hands due to the arthritis. And the IV
gives me hives.

CHARLES
Enough with the recipes.
 71

(She hangs up.

CHARLES moves the trunk off, now full of items.)

HOPE
I was just saying how lovely I think the plots are.

CHARLES
I bought thirty more I was so excited. Our grandkid!

HOPE
It’s too much, Charles.

CHARLES
If it helps you live it's worth it.

HOPE
Nothing’s worth this much pain.

CHARLES
I just spoke with the doctor.

HOPE
I want to be in our bed.

CHARLES
Then that's where you'll be.

(HOPE sits on the bed.

The room is empty. It looks like it did in the

beginning of the play.)

HOPE
Is everything packed?

CHARLES
It is.

HOPE
Jules is taking the bed with her?

CHARLES
Eventually. She'll have it shipped. There's no rush.

(CHARLES adjusts a pillow for her.)

CHARLES
How's that?

HOPE
Stop fussing.
 72

CHARLES
Everyone is on their way.

HOPE
You called?

CHARLES
I called the little one, Brian, and he called the rest.

HOPE
I've made lists of what foods you like and what isle they're
in. There's notes on each appliance. They all start with,
"make sure it's plugged in."

CHARLES
Can we talk about something else?

HOPE
Pick a subject.

(Silence.)

CHARLES
They say most couples are happier as seniors than at any
other time during their marriage.

HOPE
Who's they?

CHARLES
They, I don't know, whoever writes these magazines you've
got.

HOPE
They're happier because what are the alternatives?

(Silence.)

HOPE
How you doing?

(CHARLES shakes his head.)

HOPE
I knew I'd be lying here trying to take care of you.

CHARLES
I feel the...that ache.

HOPE
It's just love.
 73

CHARLES
I know. But...it's not because...love is so wonderful
or...full of meaning or...strong...it's because it's so
weak. Because I know that I could live without you. I'll
laugh without you. I'll see our family grow up without you.
And that kills me. I want the world to stop. I thought
love was supposed to be stronger than this. I wanted to
give you something more. Can you forgive me?

HOPE
So serious.

CHARLES
I wish you could hear me.

HOPE
Always.

CHARLES
This is the only place I see you. Here in this bed. This
is where I fell in love with you.

HOPE
When?

CHARLES
When you fell asleep that first time. I looked at you and I
thought...forever. I never asked when you fell in love with
me.

HOPE
I don’t know if I did. There was never a moment. Never a
time when I simply knew.

CHARLES
I'll never know.

HOPE
But there were lots of small moments. Little bits of time.
Some so inconsequential, some...but if you put them
together, you'd see. You'd see.

CHARLES
I finally went to the cliffs. Near San Francisco. The ones
you always loved.

HOPE
Thank you.

CHARLES
And I let you go. And you blew around me. And you went
into my hair and in my mouth and you dove over the cliffs
and into the surf and you were carried away. Beshert. I
understood Beshert. It was just like you thought it would
 74

be. And I watched for you where the sky met the sea. And I
thought...just a whisper...I heard you say...

HOPE
My time was my love.

(Beat.)

CHARLES
"What rhymes with dove."

(HOPE smiles.)

CHARLES
And I couldn't for the life of me...and then...

HOPE
I love you.

CHARLES
I knew.

HOPE
Time and love.

CHARLES
An infinite ache.

(Silence.

HOPE is lying down. CHARLES kneeling by her side

as in the beginning of the play.)

HOPE
Charles?

(No response.)

HOPE
Charles?

CHARLES
Hmmmn?

HOPE
What time is it?

CHARLES
No time.

HOPE
How long was I asleep for?
 75

(CHARLES takes the clock out. It's the one from

the beginning of the play.)

CHARLES
About an hour.

HOPE
Were you crying?

CHARLES
How do you feel?

HOPE
Oh. Like I drank too much and woke up in a stranger's bed.

CHARLES
That good?

HOPE
Are you okay?

CHARLES
Yeah. Sometimes...

(He waves it off.)

HOPE
I should...better be getting...

CHARLES
Right. You okay to--

HOPE
Yeah. I think so.

CHARLES
Should I make some coffee?

HOPE
No thanks. Okay. Actually no sure no.

CHARLES
...Tea?

HOPE
I just--I would love--but I don't want...the wrong idea.

CHARLES
No ideas attached to the coffee I promise.

HOPE
No, I shouldn't.
 76

CHARLES
Okay.

HOPE
Thanks for tonight.

CHARLES
You don't have to say that.

HOPE
I mean it.

(CHARLES nods. He opens the door.)

HOPE
I'll call you sometime.

CHARLES
Okay.

HOPE
Bye.

(She leaves.)

CHARLES
You don't have my number.

(She stops.

Silence.)

CHARLES
It was nice meeting you.

(Silence.)

HOPE
You know, you're not missing anything with me.

CHARLES
Okay.

HOPE
I'm a really difficult person.

CHARLES
Okay.

HOPE
Really terrible, difficult...not worth it.

CHARLES
Tell me.
 77

HOPE
I am an actress. For some reason you thought I wasn't
but...I have been for ten years. It's been my dream since I
was a girl but it's killing me so I'm giving it another year
and then I'm quitting. I'll become a teacher or a therapist
or something. See I've already lied to you.

CHARLES
I'm terrible with money. Real petty.

HOPE
I've never been faithful.

CHARLES
I’m totally self absorbed. Selfish. Passive-aggressive.
Your turn.

HOPE
Ummm...

CHARLES
Where does your name come from?

HOPE
My parents are really traditional. They named me Hope as
in, "We hope she will have many sons."

CHARLES
I want to name my son Buddy.

HOPE
That's terrible.

CHARLES
I know.

HOPE
I’ve dated lots of Jews.

CHARLES
Is that a problem?

HOPE
No. Am I? Would I be?

CHARLES
Of course not. Non-issue.

HOPE
Deep down, I’m just a spoiled brat.

CHARLES
Deep down, I’m just very average.
 78

HOPE
Charles.

CHARLES
Hope.

HOPE
You just moved here.

CHARLES
I did.

HOPE
And I think you're looking for someone to latch onto and...I
don't want that to be me.

CHARLES
Okay.

HOPE
So...

CHARLES
Okay.

HOPE
When you're settled in. Call me.

CHARLES
Sure.

HOPE
But give yourself time.

CHARLES
Right.

HOPE
You'll find someone.

CHARLES
You can stop now.

HOPE
Okay.

(Silence.

CHARLES does a little tap step.)

HOPE
(laughing) What was that?
 79

CHARLES
That was my little, "it's the end" dance.

HOPE
...I won't ask.

CHARLES
I won't tell.

HOPE
Fair enough.

(Silence.)

HOPE
Walk me to the car?

(CHARLES nods.

They exit.

HOPE comes back in. She sees her watch on the

night stand. She puts it on. She stops. She
looks at the room. She takes it off and leaves it
on the night stand.

She exits.)

THE END

THE SONG IN SCENE ONE

‘‘No Time With You’’

music by Fabian Obispo

lyrics by David Schulner

___________

What time is it?

I can’t even tell.
Maybe a minute passed
 80

Or the sun may have risen and fell.

It’s three in the morning.

It’s ten past two.
It’s nine in the evening.
It’s no time with you.
It’s no time with you.

What time is it?

Do you have to go?
Stay for the night
Or until I’ve forgotten all I know.

It’s three in the morning.

It’s ten past two.
It’s nine in the evening.
It’s no time with you.
It’s no time with you.

AN INFINITE ACHE

___________
 81

by

David Schulner

1.4.02

© by the author
All rights reserved

All inquiries should be addressed to:

Beth Blickers
Helen Merrill, Ltd.
295 Lafayette St.
Suite 915
New York, NY 10012-2700
212-226-5015

CHARACTERS

HOPE played by an Asian American actress in her mid-

late twenties

CHARLES played by a white actor in his mid-late twenties

TIME

It moves differently here.

SET
 82

An empty bedroom.

There are many props and furniture items suggested in the

play. They are just suggestions. Be creative, have fun.