01 Happiness is fickle

“I listened to your playlists yesterday. Can I keep them?”

He kicked the ball towards my direction with the earphones dangling from his front
pocket. It was quite far than what he did for the record yesterday. So I jogged past
some kids as they giggled “Look! Baby crabs!” and jumped spontaneously from one
spot to another. I approached him for another kicking session. Then I brushed the sand
out of his hair - we both knew I wanted to discard them but my fingers seemed to allow
the tiny bits even more there - focused and heard him whisper, “You’re not even
listening.”

I swore that slapped me hard in the face and he probably could hit me again with
another farce. But I wasn’t ignoring; I wanted to distract him from the truth I had before
my sealed lips.

I heard you, I heard you.“Sure, you can keep them. Are you uhm okay?”

At first glance, it seems artless. Something that is so straightforward when someone -

who can’t even spend some time sitting in the same room with me - is piqued by
something we both often argue about for as long as I can remember. Don’t get me
wrong. It did sweat me with anxiety when we played that “guess these songs” game
from his playlists. He shuffled the songs. So I listened intently, dengan kepala dah
angguk along with the rhythms. For the first time he confessed, “I wanted you to learn
something from this Radiohead guys but nevermind, lain kali jelah. Or maybe, Foals.
The Smiths.” Dia membebel banyak lagi tapi dah lupa apa.

Sejak tu aku dah mula curi-curi dengar album Madness dan My Head is an Animal.
Above all that, aku sebenarnya lost passion in music dan bukan jenis yang “oh gila lah
deep cut dia ni”. Tak pernah pun terfikir macam tu. Banyak dengar dari feedback dia je.
And I was pretty sure he didn’t want to discuss about “kalau you dengar yang ni maybe
I can fall for you even more” or “tahu tak mana satu lagu ni diorang punya
masterpiece?” when he pointed that out on a whim.

He wanted to be heard. He wasn't happy. Dan dia bagitahu semua tu melalui lagu-
lagu yang dia dengar.
“I listened to your playlists yesterday. Can I keep them?”
There was a pause.
“You’re not even listening.”
I heard you, I heard you. “Sure, you can keep them. Are you uhm okay?”
“Haha quite busy but I’m okay. I’m happy now.”

For many years, he wanted to be happy and he finally found his way. Mungkin
orang lain akan fikir jadahnya dia ni pasal taste music pun boleh emo bertahun macam
takde life - so did he distract you from minding your own business?

Kalau dia dah selesa berkawan dengan kau mestilah dia share masalah dengan
kau. Kau ni a-holes kot sebab tu dia - I’m all his ears, his walls. Tapi aku respect his
privacy and I’m not entertained to hear any bullshits, unless kau suka macam tu?
Sebenarnya kalau diikutkan - he even claimed this - aku berkawan dengan orang yang
unhappy and he said I shouldn’t. What’s wrong if we are not happy? Orang yang dok
cakap orang lain tak happy pun mungkin bingung dengan diri sendiri. Kelakarnya.
Pernah sekali aku marah dia sampai berbulan tidak bertegur sapa hanya sebab aku tak
boleh fikir jawapan kepada “find your own ways to be happy”. Dengan pujukan kawan
kemudian aku belikan this one album yang dia minat sangat, only to say my sorry. Of
course, that won’t make him happy but at least he felt satisfied.

Maybe now, he found the reasons why.

Kenapa orang perlu anggap it’s their obligation to make someone happy whenever
they found out that person isn’t happy? If they're not happy, they're not unhappy. Some
people want (or choose) to get hurt so that they can heal.

Dalam dunia yang gila ni, kau sebenarnya hanya perlu berlakon - no matter what it
takes - menjadi orang yang sibuk so that tidak terikut sama dengan standards yang
orang raihkan. Samada kau menjadi sibuk because you’re interested in it and you like
challenges, or try so hard fitting into others definitions “how to be happy.” Kau sibukkan
diri bukan sebab nak jadi anti-social atau tak peduli dengan surroundings. Get busy in
something you find interesting. Be busy because you're interested in it.

Maybe the issue here isn’t really about “dengarlah cakap orang ni kalau nak bahagia”,
but you know, just in case kau betul-betul dah boleh bahagia, I hope you remember all
the storms and rains you ever had before. That is what keeps you alive. A base line you
have already established as a reference - so that when something turns out wrong, you
will remember that line and how you cannot cross it.

“Sure, you can keep them. Are you uhm okay?”

“Haha quite busy but I’m okay. I’m happy now.”

But you do know you can cross it, don’t you?