Nothing matters really

It-s a very particular feeling the one you get in the stomach, the one that makes it feel like its
shaking with a slight vivabrition and gives it a chilling cold feeling. That feeling you get after seeing
that little lump in your abdomen when you look in the mirror. You start feeling a tight pressure
around your head and you get an inmidiet chicken skin all over the body that you are dreading to
see in this very moment. Your ears start ringing and the sciilience of the room becomes unverable,
you want to stop this an froget about it. However, you can-t look away. You stare at every single
detail of yourself that you can find and the problem is that it all looks bad, you see acne,
streachmarks all over, cellulite, fat, fat, fat, fat…. But you don-t really feel disgusted, you feel
scared. You have done this to yourself, your apetite has made you look this way, your lack of self
control and if you can-t even handle this, the how can you handle anything. You stopped looking
but everything has been engraved in your mind , you can see it in your mind and that becomes all
that tyou can see. You don-t see life through your eyes anymore, you see it through what you
belive is the percepition of others towards you, like a sick game of the sims you have become a
prisoner to your own insanity. But you can-t think of that, no, otherwise you would fucking kill
yourself. You gotta find a focous. So you go to food.

I was a fat girl in my teenage years, medically I was even considered obese, granted I was 87 kgs.
Now, being a teenager is hard enough, but having to go through it without a single bit atractivness
makes it even worse. In all of my life I have cared about the attention of other and maybe if it
weren-t because of a childhood filled with praise then maybe I wouldn-t have mind to be sexually
invisible to the people around me. But I really did. It-s funny how the worst thing in my life began
as such a good thing. My first times at the gym were difficult but they filled me with such a sense
of willingness and focus and perserverence. The first time I turned down desert it felt good
because for the first time in a long time I decided to stop eating because I was genuinely full and
satisfied with my meal. I felt amazing and the funny thing is that I didn-t even care abaout the
weight I was dropping, I just cared about feeling good. My insecurities started to fade away little
by little and I started to feel like I could do more than I was. However, my ego didn-t stop to be
fragile. The dangerous part about loosing weight is that when your physic has changed enough the
people around you start to notice, and that-s when the coments come. Now, this can be great and
incredibilly supportive and maybe that little push that you need to continue and thrive. But that-s
never the case for me. Every time anyone says something nice about me or compliments me, it-s
the best and worst part of my day. I-m a people pleaser, and when I feel like someone thinks higly
of me there-s a little voice in my head that says to me “Hey… they rally like you but… imagine how
disappointed they would be if you didn-t keep this up, imagine how they would feel if you fuck up
again, it would probably be even worse if you stayed like this… theyre cheering you on and you
don-t progress anymore, that would make them go away… you gotta show them how much more
you can do and how much farther you can go… surely they-ll be thrilled with you then… they-ll
love you… if they-re complimenting you now is because before they hated you, they didn-t see
you, a good comment is only there to make us feel good, they don-t even trully belive it, youre a
fucking charity case, they hate you” Every good comment, no matter how well intentioned it was
just filled a machine that would soon enough consume my life. Not just yet tho.
I think it-s about time we talk about the first sexual advancementof my life, and surely enough it
happened at the gym. I was 17 and months away from 18. Now with 69 kgs (a weight that one day
would be unimaginable but will get to that later), a better confidence and an overall better
physical condition, I was able to get the courage to walk up to one of the gym trainners. Before I
go on any further I really want to make something very clear, I was ONLY looking to improve my
training sessions and do more challenging things that I didn-t know how to do ore even know
about. Let-s not forget that even tho I felt better about myself it didn-t vene exist in my head the
posiblity to walk up to someone (who was in very good shape) in a flirtasious way, hell not even
friendly, but I digress. He-s name was Richie and he was some sort of gym popular kid. Anybody
that has ever been to one knows exactly what I-m talking about. He was the guy that, for some
reason that I no longer understand, everybody went to for a routine that he would make up on the
spot. He was that person that you would make a line for even if there were 2 more qualified
profesionals completely free. Yeah, he was that guy. Now that I remember, I would have never
walked up to him, but my parents were obouslly aware of my complete social awkwardness and as
a the concerned parents they were, they suggested that I talked to someone to further better my
training. So, with my heart beating out of my chest and a complete knot in my throat, after 3 failed
attempts of me being a chicken shit, I did it. It-s funny because I expedted his voice to be different,
maybe a bit deeper but it was very aprochable, and by that I mean he didn-t sound very educated
or eloquent. Whech really made me put guard down around him. The gym is a place that you go to
5 times a week every week for 2 hours or so, eventually if you talk to the people you see for that
long you could potentially become friends. Friends, something I completely lacked ate the time. I
feel like he knew that, so he would hang around me a bit more that with the other users. Looking
back I think it-s obvious why I developed a quick crush on him. Our first conversations were the
horribly dreadful chit chat that introverts hate and never know how to answer to. However, I
really looked forward to those small exchanges of words with this man. It’s ridiculous to even
admit this but I would practice and make pretend conversations in my head of what I would say
and then him and a full on fantasy of us having a lot in common ad yadda yadda. Be careful what
you wish for because it happened. Not because of my doing, I was too chicken shit to actually
follow through with my imaginary scenarios. No, it was him. One day out of the blue he asked
about me. And now that I think about it its very sad how much that really ment to me, someone
was asking about me…. “Hey, Annnie.. sooo are you in school?” I had pictured that moment so
much in my mind but it actually happened and I was frozen but I stuttered “Oh I um well yeah I
mean I’m finishing um highschool”, My heart beating out of my chest, knees trembling and eyes
not knowing where to look. Should I make eye contanct? I don’t know OMG this is so awkward ah I
shouldn’t have even… just even. “Oh that’s nice, you’re 18 right? I remember you mentioned it” I
know it might seem like this is just my writing and retaling of the events but I swear I really do
remember the conversation we had. To not make this go on for too long, I told him about my
particular studying situation (Home school gang but that’s for another chapter) and my artistic
pretentions in musical theater (Yeah, you guessed it that’s another chapter) and I finally
discovered all the thing I wondered about him. He was 26 at the time and he had studied
contemporary dance in college and stuff. Obviously that was the last arrow needed to spear my
heart right in the center. It was good, maybe even too good. I would like to tell you that I aproched
him more after that, but I really didn’t. There’s something about people knowing and that’s
vulnerability. In a way, now that I think about it I almost avoided him at times. I was a bit ashamed.
Fastforward