WRITTEN WORK FEEDBACK FORM

MODULE TITLE/CODE: FLM2019 Introduction to Screenwriting.

STUDENT NAME: Kelly Draper

STUDENT NUMBER: 40202345

1st 2.1 2.2 3rd Fail

Quality and range of ideas X
Use of supporting material X
Argument and structure X
Presentation including spelling X
and grammar
Bibliography and referencing X

First Marker Comments:

In all, a good piece of work supported by wide reading well-referenced. The arguments are
interesting and relevant, especially the ability to read visual information, however the arguments
could be more compellingly structured. For example, you deal with a scene on p.7 before a scene
from p.4/5 – if you plan to tackle arguments thematically, i.e. first non-dialogue scenes, then use of
dialogue separately, etc. make that clear to the reader.

You clearly have taken in and understand a lot from the readings, so take care to deploy that
knowledge effectively: for example, how do you think Coppola used the Kuleshov Effect? Describe it
in action and effect. There is a little repetition that could be trimmed and some of the grammar
needs tightened.

I would like to have seen the Act One story points identified earlier and more closely. You name
them at the top of P.2, but don't return to them until the concluding paragraph.

Good understanding that could be improved with a more clearly structured approach.

Second Marker Comments (where appropriate):

External Examiner Comments (where appropriate):

GRADE:

First Marker: ___73 Second Marker: ______ External Examiner: ____

PENALTIES: Lateness: ________ Over/Under length: _____ (5% per day)

FINAL MARK: ________ (Conceptual Mark)

 Lost in Translation

Lost in Translation (Sofia Coppola, 2003)1 is a modern drama and romantic-comedy

revolving around the meeting of two lonesome Americans, former use-to-be actor Bob Harris Commented [Unknown A1]: Former and used-to-be
mean the same thing. One or other would suffice.
played by Bill Murray and college graduate Charlotte played by Scarlett Johansson, set in

present-day Tokyo. Protagonist Bob finds comfort within Charlotte’s presence as they both

can relate to one other through their similar feelings of loneliness, confusion and

disconnection to the location and people surrounding them. The language barrier between the Commented [Unknown A2]: Disconnection from

Japanese and these two characters, brings them closer together as they find amenity within

each other’s presence. Bob is in Tokyo to shoot a Whiskey campaign for two million dollars

and Charlotte is there to support her husband’s photography shoot whilst simultaneously

visiting friends. I will be analysing a block of ten pages, showing why they are important to

the story, breaking down the individual sequences and explaining why I chose them.

A Hollywood Screenplay consists of a three-act structure ‘first expounded upon by

Aristotle’2, which contains the beginning (the call to adventure), middle (the road of trials)

and the end (the return). I am focusing on the beginning of this screenplay, Act 1, thus the

narrative structure focuses on the set up and the establishment of the main characters, premise

and situation. Act 1 is known to consist of the first thirty pages of a screenplay 3, in which I

will be focusing on pages one to ten, made up of a sequence revolving around loneliness,

surroundings and the comfort within familiarity. Gulino explains that most feature-length film Commented [Unknown A3]: Rephrase

consist of eight sequences, 4 in which sequences are seen to pose ‘a series of dramatic

questions within the overall dramatic tension.’5 Thus, this sequence inaugurates questions

about the characters relationships with their partners, why they are in Tokyo and their reasons

behind being in a depressed state.

1
Lost in Translation (Sofia Coppola, 2003)
2
Gulino, Paul Joseph. P.4.
3
Gulino, Paul Joseph. P.1.
4
Gulino, Paul Joseph. P.4.
5
Gulino, Paul Joseph. P.13.
 Snyder also refers to this first Act as the Beat Sheet, consisting of the opening image, Commented [Unknown A4]: Does he? Or is the beat
sheet the structure by which he breaks down all three
acts?
6
theme stated, set-up, catalyst and debate before breaking into Act 2. The opening image

throughout this piece consists of a girl in pink underwear looking over Tokyo. This

combination with the previous sound of a plane leading to melodramatic music adds to the

sense that the girl is not from Tokyo and more observes it, alone. Similarly, Bob is peering

out a window, almost signifying a metaphorical barrier between the characters and Tokyo on

the opposing side of the windows. This visual divide creates a more cogent feeling of

disconnect as the silent and stationary position of the characters contrasts significantly to

Tokyo’s active night life. The signs, showing recognisable figures, including Bob himself,

viewed from Bob’s point of view instantly portrays the fabricated reality of advertisement as

we see Bob’s depressed actuality in comparison to his large-scale Whisky commercial

campaign. Similarly, Bob’s height difference in the lift to the Japanese business men further Commented [Unknown A5]: Good. Do we have two
opening images? What is the relationship between
add to Bob’s feeling of displacement in Tokyo as he contrasts overtly to his surroundings. them?

These first ten pages are important to the unfolding of the narrative as it is known that ‘it Commented [Unknown A6]: By whom is it known?

is the screenwriter’s responsibility to set up the first ten pages of the screenplay, so the

essential story information is established.’7 This part of the screenplay consists of the

exposition as the interrelationships of both characters are set in modern-day Tokyo. The

dramatic premise revolves around both characters’ strong sense of reclusiveness and lack of Commented [Unknown A7]: Are they reclusive or
isolated? Reclusive implied a chosen retreat from
fulfilment within their work and love life. The introduction of their partners immediately society.

explains to the audience their disconnection from their own lives and people within it. They Commented [Unknown A8]: Good

are searching for fulfilment and are unsure on what that looks like and thus how to find it. Commented [Unknown A9]: of

This confusion and feeling of being lost joins the characters together as they can momentarily

evade the feeling when together. Coppola has created a world in which both central characters

are uncomfortable within as the location contrasts to their own familiarities, in which

Campbell explains the importance that the exposition has in ‘making the world for the people

6
Snyder, Blake. P.3.
7
Field, Syd. P.165.
to live in.’8 Therefore, this shared discomfort and thus insomnia creates a stronger branch for Commented [Unknown A10]: Rephrase

them to meet, thus creating a more intimate friendship. Commented [Unknown A11]: Good

The main theme of isolation is incorporated within this opening sequence through the

introduction of Bob’s character dressed in a hotel robe perched on the bed. This directly

represents his discomfort from his usual state as he is not wearing clothes that represent his

individual personality and interests. His positioning at the end of the bed instantly makes his Commented [Unknown A12]: Good

body language and placement within the hotel room seem uncomfortable, as there is a lack of

personalised surroundings such as pictures as he is simply a temporary guest and further

shows this through his awkward body language. The mechanical curtains opening add to the

gloomy atmospheric tones of the sequence as they are less friendly and comforting. Bob’s

awkward feelings towards supposedly, simply daily tasks in a foreign country such as

showering, further iterate his displacement within the location he is in, hence his lack of

comfort within the situation. Furthermore, the visuals throughout the introduction of Bob’s

character instantly show his lack of placement, as he is single framed from the location.

Visually, he is disconnected from Tokyo and thus his agitation comes across clearly

throughout the scene without the use of dialogue. Commented [Unknown A13]: Good

Throughout Act 1, the sequence I am analysing is predominantly told visually, through

powerful moments of silences. This is important to the telling of the story as ‘to write a good

screenplay, you have to tell the story in pictures, not words. As I was learning, the art of

screenwriting is in finding places where silence works better than words.’9 For example,

Bob’s interaction with his wife (p.12) lacks verbal dialogue, as she faxes through a range of

shelf diagram proposals. This further exaggerates the disconnection within their relationship

as they communicate through machines from separate countries. This use of visual presents

vital information as the audience instantly recognise the cold undertones and lack of intimacy

within their relationship after years of marriage. McKee supports the importance the lack of

8
Campbell, Joseph. P.41.
9
Field, Syd. P.165.
dialogue can have by stating that ‘master storytellers never explain,’10 as intricate details

within the mise en scène or body language of the characters can transmit the same knowledge

without words. For instance, Mike Skinner claimed we could simply show a characters

frustration through the action of them tapping their foot in comparison to simply stating that Commented [Unknown A14]: Only use simply once.

they are angry.11 Thus, the mundane fax indicates that Bob’s wife does not have any interest

in a more personal phone call with him and would rather communicate in a more professional

manner, lacking lust and intimacy to their marriage. Commented [Unknown A15]: Good observation,
although professional is probably not the right word.

This unstable relationship is further represented through Bob’s lack of commitment after

an unknown woman, supposedly a hired escort for him, enters his hotel room (p.7). The Commented [Unknown A16]: Good – always use page
numbers to locate a scene. You haven't done so
audience remain aligned with Bob as we witness this woman from his point of view, whilst consistently.

lacking as much information as Bob has surrounding the woman’s presence and her

intentions. Additionally, her dearth character development and nameless identity constrains

the audience from being able to relate or emphasise with her character. The awkward scenario Commented [Unknown A17]: Good

further intensifies the language barrier struggles Bob is experiencing, as she physically

pantomimes actions whilst he is seen as ‘confused’ in the script. Albeit comedic, this scene

allows the audience to understand Bob’s desperation for human intimacy as his low standards

become established. Hence visually portraying the decline of his infatuation with his wife,

creating a more emotive scene as ‘screenwriting is showing not telling.’12 Witnessing the

scene from Bob’s point of view allows the Kuleshov Effect to be applied, further iterating the

audience’s alignment to Bob’s character. The Kuleshov effect, used in many famous plays Commented [Unknown A18]: This is good, but
describe how Coppola uses the Kuleshov Effect.
13
such as Oedipus Rex, The Bourne Ultimatum and Planet of the Apes, is a clever editing

technique consisting of the juxtaposition of the same reaction to three opposing images, in

which the meaning of the sequence changes dramatically each time. Stanton reiterates the

importance of this juxtaposition as he states the ‘two plus two’ rule, explaining that the

10
Snyder, Blake. P.114.
11
Yorke, John. P.116.
12
Yorke, John. P.113.
13
Yorke, John. P.118.
audience receive more satisfaction from working out a sequence than being told it instantly. 14

Therefore, the audience discovering the woman’s intentions for themselves in parallel to Bob

would appear more satisfactory than a fluent English-speaking female escort as Syd Field

‘simply tells the writer not to worry about dialogue.’ 15

However, Bob’s whisky commercial scene (p4-5A) is the first time we experience heavy

dialogue, as the dialogue is used to further enforce Bobs feeling of loneliness and discomfort

due to the language barrier and contrasting culture. Norman Lear believes that the best scenes

make the audience question: 'why are these two people arguing and why are both right?'16

However, even though both Bob and the director are struggling with communication due to

the inadequate translator, the audience are more so aligned with Bob as we too are unsure of

the director’s instructions. Thus, the audience emphasises with him and his unease surrounded

by a solely foreign film crew. The separation between Bob and the crew, whom appear like Commented [Unknown A19]: Who

spectators in this scene, further intensify the agitation Bob is feeling towards being an outcast.

Even though screenwriters have been advised to ‘routinely ignore dialogue almost

completely,’17 dialogue is seen as an ‘essential component of structure’18 as great dialogue

further shows us the characters personality and motives. 19 Bobs exponential frustration with

the translator shows that it is not predominantly what the character says but how they say it. 20 Commented [Unknown A20]: Good. This is subtext.

Although, even though ‘great dialogue, as Milenius and Coppola prove, is an art’ structure is

seen as to remain its bedrock. 21

In conclusion, Coppola successfully established a prominent bleak tone and evoked a

melancholic mood within these first ten pages of Lost in Translation. The establishing shot

and introduction of both characters individually, perceiving Tokyo through a window,

observing it from afar, immediately encapsulated their internal conflicts and feelings of

14
Yorke, John. P.113.
15
Price, Steven. P.137.
16
Hunter, Lew. P.19.
17
Price, Steven. P.137.
18
Yorke, John. P. 149.
19
Yorke, John. P. 150.
20
Yorke, John. P. 151.
21
Yorke, John. p.162.
isolation. The inciting incident within these ten pages revolve predominantly around the

characters struggling relationships with their partners and their surroundings. The internal

conflict and tension Bob faces due to his sense of loneliness and lack of human intimacy is

portrayed through the mechanical props and lack of personalisation within the mis en scène

surrounding him. This sets up an instant goal for the protagonists as they strive for affection,

creating a motivation for them throughout the narrative. It was vital that these pages instantly

establish the tonality and thematic elements that represent the story as Field stated ‘how

important the first ten pages of the screenplay are in terms of setting up the story. They need

to be conceived, designed, and executed for maximum dramatic value.’22 Therefore,

portraying both characters dismal and strong sense of loneliness, further intensifies their

feelings of comfort when they are together to the audience visually. Thus, the theme of

loneliness is maintained throughout the screenplay creating a lugubrious mood laced within

each Act, therefore constructing a backbone to the narrative structure.

22
Field, Syd. P.176.
 Filmography

• Coppola, Sofia, Lost in Translation. 2003. Film. USA/Japan: Focus

Features/Tohokushinsha Film Corporation.

Bibliography

• Campbell, Joseph. The Hero with a Thousand Faces (2nd ed. Princeton, N.J, Princeton

University Press, 1968, c1949).

• Field, Syd, The Definitive Guide to Screenwriting (Great Britain: Random House,

2008).).

• Field, Syd, The Screenwriters Workbook: Exercises and Step-By-Step Instructions for

Creating a Successful Screenplay (USA: Random House Publishing Group, 2008).

• Gulino, Paul Joseph, Screenwriting: The Sequence Approach (USA: Bloomsbury

Publishing, 23 Sep 2013).

• Hunter, Lew, Lew Hunters Screenwriting 434: The Industry's Premier Teacher

Reveals the Secrets of the Successful Screenplay (Penguin, 2004).

• Price, Steven, The Screenplay: Authorship, Theory and Criticism (UK: Palgrave

Macmillan UK, 2010).

• Snyder, Blake, Save the Cat!: The Last Book on Screenwriting You'll Ever Need

(Michael Wiese Productions, 2013).

• Yorke, John, Into the Woods: How Stories Work and Why We Tell Them (Great

Britain: Penguin Books Ltd., 2013).