THE STAGES OF GRIEF

 One tool for understanding grief is through “the five stages of grief” developed by
Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in her book “On Death and Dying.”
 She describes that the stages as “tools to help us frame and identify what we may
be feeling.”
 She notes that the stages “are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not
everyone goes through all of them or goes in a prescribed order.”

STAGE 1. DENIAL
 The first reaction is to deny the reality of the situation.
 It is a common defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of the loss,
numbing us to our emotions.

Examples:

“This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening.”

“She’s not gone. She’ll come around the corner any second.”
“That is not true, the results are wrong.”

STAGE 2. ANGER
 Where denial may be considered a coping mechanism, anger is a masking effect.
 We are trying to adjust to a new reality and we are likely experiencing extreme
emotional discomfort. This can leave you feeling isolated in your experience and
perceived as unapproachable by others.
 The anger may aim at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family.
Examples:
“This is your fault!”
“How could the world be so unfair?”
“How could this have happened to such a good person?”
“Where is God in this? How dare God let this happen!”

STAGE 3. BARGAINING
 In moments of intense emotions, it’s not uncommon to look for ways to regain
control or to want to feel like you can affect the outcome of an event.
 In the bargaining stage of grief, you may find yourself creating a lot of “what if” and
“if only” statements in attempt to negotiate an alternate reality.
  When bargaining starts to take place, we are often directing our requests to a higher
power, or something bigger than we are that may be able to influence a different
outcome.

Examples:

“If only we had sought medical attention sooner.”

“If only we had tried to be a better person toward them.”
“If only I had called her that night, she wouldn’t be gone.”
“God, if you can heal this person I will turn my life around.”
“What if I become a better person will you let this person live?”

STAGE 4. DEPRESSION
 As our panic begins to subside, the emotional fog begins to clear and the loss feels
more present and unavoidable.
 In those moments, we tend to pull inward as the sadness grows.
 We might find ourselves retreating, being less sociable, and reaching out less to
others about what we are going through.
Examples:
“Now that my loved one has died, what’s the point in continuing to live?”
“I’m too sad to do anything.”
“I’m weak for feeling this way.”
“This will never end.”

STAGE 5. ACCEPTANCE
 Acceptance is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage of grief.
 When we come to a place of acceptance, it is not that we no longer feel the pain of
loss.
 This stage is about accepting the reality of the situation and we are not struggling to
make it something different.
 You may feel very different in this stage, and that upends the way you feel about
many things.
Examples:
“I am so fortunate to have had so many wonderful years with him, and he will always be
in my memories.”
“I’ll find a way forward from here and can start a new path.”