I am defined by my anxiety.

When I was a kid, I was always scared. Scared that I might bleed from my navel, needles
entering my blood stream, or paranormal entities hiding in a jar. I was always had nightmares every
night, and the ghost stories of my nanny did not help. Little did I know that these fears that I have will be
a part of something bigger when I grow up.

In high school, I was known for being paranoid. I was someone who was not familiar with the
outside world. I did not know how to ride a jeepney. But the time came when my mom couldn’t drive
me to school and I was forced to ride one. My first experience was terrifying. I had my classmates
accompany me home in exchange for dinner. It did not last forever. I’ve learned to commute, and I still
enjoy the fruits of my labor.

After adjusting to everything, I was still paranoid. It did not help when someone snatched my
mom’s earrings when we were about to ride a jeepney. That memory got stuck in my head, and I got
super paranoid. And then as a freshman in UP, someone tried to rob the jeepney I was riding. My
paranoia couldn’t get any worse… but it just did.

It was my second year in college when I started getting panic attacks. I can barely contain myself
to the point that I almost failed everything. Instead of asking for help, I tried to fight it, but it just got
worse. Everyday I struggled to wake up blaming myself, and it took me years to realize that everything is
not my fault. I asked for help.

The best decision in my life is to get help. A year ago, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety
Disorder (GAD). That year was also when I started taking medications. The medications helped a lot
because as of today, I rarely have panic attacks and my anxiety is not that bad anymore.

I’ve been struggling with anxiety my whole life. I browse the internet to research about my
condition and a lot of self-help websites say that anxiety does not define you. But I believe that my
anxiety defines me. For a lot of years my anxiety got the best of me, but now I am channeling it into
something positive. Sometimes I do not like it when I am anxious, but sometimes I use it for motivation.
I feel anxious when I think about shifting courses. I am anxious whenever I play badminton and that
makes me want to work harder to achieve my goals.