~The Times~ Limited Fake Edition 

 

Issue Six Charge: Free

Disclaimer:
Any and all events in this ‘newspaper’ are fake/false. Regardless of us stating this very clearly, there are some people who believe that the earth is flat, that the moon landing
was faked, or that Adolf Hitler has been reincarnated as Adoph In (A dolphin). These are all unavoidably false, as is this ‘newspaper.’ We implore you to attempt understanding
that these stories are absolutely false, and that no matter in them is real. Also,there may be stereotypes in this ‘newspaper’ that some may take offense of; please disregard them,
as this is a comedy fake newspaper. If you insist on believing in these events, we encourage you to see a psychiatrist. Thank you.

Geese Retaliate! 
Authors of Article: Lawrence Zhang,Shawn Kim,
Edited by:Kingston Alexander and Seth Raphael
PARIS, FRANCE—“Hello, everyone, this is Frank Welston, here with Marquis Francis Francois Jacques Dion Emilien Florent
Jules Lionel Montague Pom Quincy Ferdinand Foch de Lafayette, Military Commander of the French Land Forces at the Arc de Triomphe
with an important “Breaking News” announcement. Today, we have experienced a great loss, as the COAC and the Soda-et Union have
launched a full scale invasion of mainland Europe, as they are allied under the Moloto- Cocktail-Quack-a-hockz . The Geese have sent 96
divisions into neutral Poland. We are currently unharmed, as France has built up its defenses, with the ​Ouvrage Schoenenbourg. This
defensive barrier is guaranteed to stop tanks [water], guns [Nerf], and soldiers [plastic], as the French have poured over 6 Billion Francs
into this megaproject. The Geese have not yet sent troops into France. ​However, this could just be a result of the geese attempting to trick
us into lowering our defenses. It will not work! Just to show them, we will lower our defenses!

“Mr Lafayette, could you describe the ​Ouvrage Schoenenbourg’s defenses​? ”

“Yes, Monsieur Welston. We have stationed Mimes armed with Baguettes every 10 meters.”
“Do you think the Geese have any chance of infiltrating France?”
“Non. They could only get through if they go through neutral Belgique, but they won’t do that, HON HON HON! They’ll wind up
like the old Wine-mar republic, old and forgotten, HON HON HON!”
“...”

Now we shall go visit the factory where the materials for the wall are produced. I’m heading into the limousine now.
Here we are at the top secret Southwark and Vauxhall ​waterworks ​factory, where we will be viewing the materials. I have to be very careful
what I say, because if I gave away the location, it would be a catastrophe. Wow, it has such a great view of the Eiffel Tow—I mean, look at
the strong building materials, like particle boards, aluminum foil, and balsa wood!

Anyways, the Prime Minister was not thrilled to see us. We now cut to a clip of the meeting, recorded by our ​people standing in plain sight
in the room​ cleverly placed spies.

*STATIC* ​ …at is the plan, sire? We must do something!

Well, the geese aren’t invading yet, so why do we have to react? They haven’t done anything; perhaps their invasion of New York was a
mistake.
How do you make a mistake of killing 25,000 people?!?
Well, how was it a mistake to drop a bomb on Nagasaki? Huh? How are you going to respond to that?
It wasn’t a mistake! That was a tactical war move!
Oh, technicalities. The point is, I think we’re overreacting.
Overreacting?!?!? HOW AM I OVERREACTING AT ALL? I AM TALKING IN A VERY CALM VOICE AND NEGOTIATING
SENSIBLE STRATEGIES!!!
Ok, sir. I can see that. This has been just a dandy interview. Now, we have to be going…
I don’t want you to leave! I still have mor- ​*STATIC*
At this point, he was knocked out by a falling radio recorder and was escorted to the hospital. The falling camera may have been a result of
a rigging by the COAC, as it ​definitely wasn’t us.​ This has been ~The Times~, we bid you a safe and happy day.
 Swans Plan To Leave the COAC! 
 
Author of Article: Shawn Kim

HONKLAKE, SWAN— Today, the Super-Wholesome Athenian-democracy of the Noble Swans (SWANS) declared that they
will leave the COAC on March 29th, 2019, and the SWANS will hold a vote in their parliament to see if leaving the COAC is the best thing
they can do for their people. The COAC and many head bird officials (such as Donald Duck, Swooshie Caw-Caw, and Webby
Qvwack-a-Honkisz) who oppose this bill, and they have had massive approval from various big news companies (though none as big as
~The Times~), such as The Avian, The New-Yolk Times, and the Quackington Post. However, the Swans are still determined to leave the
COAC. This afternoon, thousands of swans gathered at Eggaspheme Square today. Here’s Ross Goldstein, interviewing some of the swans.
“Yes, today we will be interviewing Mat’Ree Putdar and Meelardy Jaihyang, the head swans organizing this march. We first go to
Mat’Ree! Hi Mat’Ree!”
“Ahh, yhes, hellow, Rhoss!”
“What do you think about the swans leaving the COAC? I know you’re here because you detest the idea?”
“Owh, yhes, Rhoss, I simply dae-​test​ the vary ahy-dee-a! Fwo whan theeng, eet’s naut vary gud fwah thea aeceonomay! Naw, I
soo-pawhs ya knaw dah’ Swannia eez nawt dah’ big, ahn wee ahr ree~ly strugglin’, aehvin wan wee-a yoosin de COAC cuhrencee, da
Winglar! Da Swawn cuhrencee, tha Grace, hahs been gawing dawhn, ahn’ Ah don’ think weah kahn becuhm aeh sustaihnable cuntray aehf
weah leav.”
“Yes, thank you, Mat’Ree! Love to hear your opinion on this rather unpleasant matter! Now we’re going to Meelardy Jaihyang,
who is currently holding up a sign that says “Plz Don’t Leave The COAC”. Meelardy, what do you think about the swans leaving the
COAC?”
“Eh. I don’t like it.”
“Anything else?”
“Nah.”
“Ah. Well, that’s it folks for today! Tune in some other time to see if the Swans are leaving the COAC or if they’re not! That’s
all—come join us later folks! This has been The Times—and we’re out.”
Though the “Eensolent” reporter didn’t notice this, our best detectives here at ~The Times~ have realized that Mat’Ree was suggesting that
the COAC’s economy was not very strong. This is an incredible find, and we will build on this topic next time, like so many english
students in so many lectures. This has been ~The Times~, we bid you a safe and happy day.

Man Sues Himself and Wins  

 
Author of Article: Emma Taylor
Edited by: Seth Raphael and Lawrence Zhang
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Hello, this is Frank Welston here, at the Federal Court of Australia, and today we are looking at a very...
interesting case. Gerald Bobfred Brown has reportedly assaulted himself with a boomerang, and has brought the case to court. He has sued
both himself and the boomerang.

Records From Court Stenographer

Judge: “Today we are gathered here to witness the case of Boomerang and Brown. Mr. Brown has made the arduous trek from Brisbane to
Melbourne after his cases at both the city, county, and province courts ended in jury nullification. This man reports that a boomerang that he
threw came back hit him and left a rather large dent in his cranium.
Prosecutor: “First I must present to you evidence of the boomerang’s offense. Here is a picture of Mr. Brown in Brisbane hospital after his
boomerang horrifically injured him. And here is the paper with the lucrative deal the boomerang made to assassinate Mr. Brown.”
Defendant’s Lawyer: “Actually, Mr. Brown is not proficient in the art of boomerang throwing. He could have never thrown the boomerang,
let alone aiming it and hitting himself. Look here, here is his record from school, he’s flunked all of the boomerang related tests.”
Witness 1: “I was Mr. Brown’s mentor in college, he would never assault someone!”
Witness 2: “I’m Mr. Brown’s neighbor, and I saw him with the boomerang, and him being injured by it. He has an obsession with
boomerang throwing, you see, and it was bound to happen!”
Defendant’s Lawyer: “But the evidence for assault is still scanty, and there is not enough to convict anyone of assault! ”
Prosecutor: “Mr. Brown had a degree in rocket science and physics, and his cousin’s brother’s friend’s mother’s teacher’s former
roommate’s doctor’s friend’s brother’s son’s mother’s dog’s friend’s owner’s friend’s friend’s friend’s friend’ friend’s friend’s former
classmate was intrepid explorer Yuri Gagarin.”
Witness 2: “Yeah! I saw it, clear as day, as the boomerang hit him!”
Witness 3: “You were sick, and you sounded like a donkey!”
Witness 2: “Uncultured Swine!”
Witness 3: “Son of a boomera—AHH!!!”
Probation Officer: “Get off of him!!!”
///STATIC///

Apparently, the man won the case, and was fined $200 as he had caused body damage through negligence and carelessness’. The money was
given to himself. The boomerang factory was fined $5000 for not listening to the manufacturing code of not manufacturing boomerangs.
OSHA fined them a further $100,000 for not having guardrails on their stairway with very low walls that acted as guardrails. The boomerang
was destroyed and used for kindling.

A Child’s Guide to Raising An Adult 

 
Author of Article: Shawn Kim
Edited by: Seth Raphael
OSLO, NORWAY— “There are many things to consider before choosing to adopt and raise an adult,” Adult Care Consultant
Labtrgap Ontis reports. “Adults can often be moody, unpredictable, and sometimes even volatile and dangerous, but with the right amount of
care and attention, your adult can become the household pet you’ve always wanted.” Labtrgap Ontis is an adultusologist at the University of
Dum B. Stughdies, and has received his PhD as a veterinarian, specifically for adults. “To raise a healthy adult, you first need to feed it well.
Adults will eat almost anything, and are primarily carnivorous. However, some do not eat meat at all. If so, your adult may have a chronic
syndrome known as “vegetarianistry”, where the adult does not eat any meat. This is normal and does not affect the health of the adult.
Unfortunately, there is another mental condition known as, “Veganistry,” which may result in… well… isn’t Veganistry bad enough without
side effects? Either way, adults can be very sensitive about food, and if you interrupt their eating or attempt to steal food they perceive as
theirs, they may be very aggressive about it, and can even maul you if you’re not careful.

Frank Welston interviews Alaisha Lamentate, who has adopted an adult around eighteen years ago.
“Naw, Ahm nawt rilly inta alladose ahnimals an watnawt, but ah sees de adult, an ah is liking da adult, so ah pur-chase de adult, ahn
ah is—”
“Ah yes, I see, thank you, Alaisha, for all of your insightful comments on raising adults, I’m sure we all benefited from those very
wise and, ah, nice words there, thank you Miss Lamentate!”
“Whaeet, Ah eez nawt—”
“Yes thank you, back to you, Labtrgap Ontis!”
“Wha—whaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!?!?!?!”
“Ahh! Oh shoot, run!”

We lost contact with Frank shortly after this incident, but rest assured, he’s come back quite shocked and still not speaking around a
month and a half later.
Non-vegan adults prefer meat and bread, and sometimes sweets too, such as chicken, baguettes, sugar daddies, and cherries. Vegan
adults prefer things like fruit, beans… beans… huh, I guess that’s it. Unfortunately, they will attempt to maul you if you get too close with
meat in your hand. (Or hiding in your pocket; they can still smell it, you know!) Be very cautious, because if you do not have any insurance,
you could go bankrupt. Anyways, you should walk your adult at least 3 times a day, with each walk lasting a minimum of thirty minutes, or
else your adult could feel trapped and could grow aggressive. This should contain all the necessary information for you to raise a healthy and
prosperous adult; just don’t get mauled.
 Man Experiencing “Post-Mortem Death”
 
Authors of Article: Ilai Juster and Seth Raphael
Edited by: Lawrence Zhang

PRIPYAT, U.S.S.R—Yesterday, a man presented himself to the authorities and declared that he was experiencing post-mortem
death. The authorities, thinking him insane, (and to not have a dead man on their hands,) rushed him to the mental hospital. This man had
died because he was extremely horizontally gifted and vertically challenged (not fat or short, you scallywag, hooligan, barbarian, uncultured
swine!), thus resulting in obesity. However, this man was so… what’s the phrase? Ah, yes, to put it nicely, ugly, that Death rejected him. He
was sent back to Earth, but died again, and got rejected again, and is now complaining to the authorities that he was abused by Death. Follow
this story on the Eggplant Radio!
{Extremely cool theme song created by our non-existent artists}
“Hello, Otnis Partbalg here live at the police station with… well… what’s your name, sir?”
“Weel, I don’t reely know anymore! I’ve been abused by death and sent back so many gosh- no, death darn times, that I just feel
like a deefeereent peerson! I just been keeepeen these feelin’s about deeth all to meeseelf, and eet’s hard!”
Sir, I must admit, that should be hard. But, isn’t it nice, knowing that you can’t die?
“You know what? You’ree raght! I can do whateeveer I wanna, and there’s neeevvveeerr anee puneeshment! Ha ha hahahahahah-”
Sir. You do know that you’re under arrest, right?
“No, I am not! No one can stooop mee nowwwww!!!!”
At that moment, suddenly, out of nowhere, right before our eyes, mysteriously, wondrously, magically, somehow, majestically, with a puff
of smoke, death appeared.
“Hey guys! Just wanted to, you know, pop in here and, I dunno, maybe hang out for a bit? Hell drives you crazy after a while.”
“Umm, I don’t think…”
“Hey! You’re that really fat guy who I rejected twice! Ha! Look at him! How fat he is! Haha!”
“How dare you! My mommy says I’m horizontally gifted!”
“Ha! Well, I’d better be off on my way now, unless anyone wants a free trip to the other side? Hmm? Hmm?”
Everyone stared blankly at him. Then everyone blinked at him at the exact same time.
“Oh, fine, have it your way. But you, yes, you, the fat one, come with me! I should like to have entertainment every so often!”
Death then grabbed the man, kicking and screaming, and slung him over his shoulder and brought him to the afterlife. The world
then lost approximately half its weight.
“Well, this is Otnis Partbalg, signing off. This has been quite the interesting interview, and we here at the Eggplant Radio look
forward to talking to you again soon. Unless, you know, Alaisha Lamentate decides to attack again. But let’s hope for the best. This has been
the Eggplant Radio, we bid you a Alaisha Lamentate free day.

Dreidel Materials List  

 
Author of Article: Zachary Trost

Dreidels come in many sizes, shapes, and formes, and one of the many things people across the world love to do is to make dreidels
out of a multitude of different materials. This is the complete list of “completely legal” dreidel-making materials and their accompanying
rhymes. Enjoy!

1. Clay — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of clay. And when it’s dry and ready, oh dreidel I shall play!
2. TNT — I had a little dreidel, it’s made of TNT; and when it’s armed and ready, how happy I shall be!
3. C4 — I had a little dreidel, I utilized C4; and when it’s armed and ready, I shall be no more!
4. Snow — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of snow; I put it in the oven, where did my dreidel go?!
5. Sand — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of sand; and when I tried to spin it, it broke right in my hand!
6. Stones — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of stones. And when I threw it at someone, it broke all of their bones!
 7. Iron — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of iron; and when I tried to spin it, it sparked a little fire(n)!!
8. Fire — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of fire; and when I told my friends, they said I was a liar!!
9. Bread — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of bread (Baguette!); and it just looked so tasty, I ate it up instead!!(Baguette!)
10. Glass — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of glass; my mom said I can spin it, but only on the grass!
11. Shoe — I found a little dreidel, it’s made up of a shoe; it smells a little funny, but then what can I do?!?
12. Fur — I made a little dreidel, I made it out of fur; it’s so warm and fuzzy, the spinning made it purr!
13. Log — I had a little dreidel, I carved it from a log; but when I threw it on the floor, it nearly killed the dog!
14. Plastic — I have a little dreidel, I made it out of plastic; I put gimmels on every side... this dreidel is fantastic!
15. Wood — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of wood; but when I told my friends, they said it was no good!!
16. Chocolate — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of chocolate; I couldn’t wait to spin it, but, it just melted in my pocket!
17. Latke — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of latke; I left it on a shelf, and then it turned to vodka!
18. Ice — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of ice. I went to spin it, it melted! That’s not very nice!
19. Mud — I have a little dreidel, I made it out of mud; and when I went to spin it, it fell down with a thud!
20. Brass — I have a little dreidel, I made it out of brass; I brought it in to Sunday School and showed it to my class.
21. Schmaltz — I have a little dreidel, I made it out of schmaltz; and when I went to spin it, wow, watch that dreidel waltz!
22. Pot — I have a little dreidel, I made it out of a pot; and when I went to spin it, I thought it really hot!
23. Jelly Beans — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of Jelly Beans; and when I tried to spin it, it blew to smithereens!
24. Clay v.2 — I had a little dreidel, I made it out of clay. Said a Kabbalistic blessing, and it simply walked away!
25. Unknown — I had a little dreidel, it came from the UK; I sang it doctor who, and then it ran away.
26. Clay — I had a little latke, I made it out of clay; and when I tried to eat it, my stomach said Oy Vey!
27. Broom — I have a little dreidel, I made it out of broom; I think I’ll try to talk it into cleaning up my room!
28. Bush — I have a little dreidel, I made it from a bush; but when I tried to lift it, it whacked me on the tush.
29. Drum — I had a little dreidel, I made it from a drum; but when I tried to spin it, it swapped into some rum.
30. Neutron Star — I had a little dreidel, it’s made from neutron star; when I placed it on the table, it smashed right through to
Zanzibar!

Hope you enjoyed the list of dreidel materials list and all the appropriate rhymes. Remember, It can be an everlasting list of perfect
rhymes. See if you can fathom it all! Good luck!

Exciting Casino Match Takes Award For 

Best of the Year! 
 
Authors of Article: Shawn Kim and Seth Raphael

LAS VEGAS, NV—Good evening, this is Otnis Partbalg here, with a run-through of the recent casino match that happened in Las
Vegas. This casino match (of the ever-so-popular card game Rin Gummy) has won the award for Best Casino Match of the Year. The
following is a text transcript of the radio recording both Frank and I have been featured in.

//STATIC//

“Ahh, yes, good evening, this is Otnis Partbalg here at Las Vegas, with Frank Welston as well. Say hi, Frank!”
“Hello!”
“Well, I assume the real reason you guys are tuning in to this week’s episode of The Eggplant Radio is to hear about the huge
upcoming casino match at Las Vegas?”
“That’s right, Otnis!”
“Well, we’re here, live at the scene! Let’s go and have a chat with the contestants, or more accurately, the contestant, shall we?”
“Sorry, Otnis, I need to go get my leg checked. Alaisha Lamentate was quite sharp-nailed.”
“Sorry to hear that, Frank! Hope you get well soon, and I’m sure The Eggplant Radio’s listeners sure feel so too.”
“Thanks, Otnis.”

//FOOTSTEPS//
//DISTANT MACHINE NOISES//

“Here we are, interviewing none other than the Great Calvin Corbetronski! Calvin here is a great gambler, and he’s earned more
than $543,799 dollars from gambling alone!”
 “Hey, Otnis! Hey, Eggplant Radio, my name is Calvin Corbetronski, and I’m a seasoned gambler. One quick question, though.
Why’d you say “​over $543,799”​ ?”
“Oh, because I know you’ve earned a total of $543,800!”

//PRE-RECORDED GUFFAWS PLAY//

“Ah.”
“Anyways, Calvin, how did you earn so much from just gambling? I hear it’s a risky line of work?”
“Oh, uhh… I’m uh… lucky, I guess? I don’t cheat. Obviously.”
“Well, Calvin, sounds like you don’t. That’s not all, folks! We’ll see you after this commercial break with live recordings of the
event! Stay tuned for more risky riots, astute adventures, and devious deals!”

Commercials have been omitted from this transcript due to extensive length, profanity, and sometimes irrelevance.
//COMMERCIALS PLAY//

“And we’re back, folks, with the live game of Rin Gummy starting in— oh, it’s starting now! The dealer is giving out cards!
Calvin’s showing his to the audience, and his opponent (Lilligan Riverboat) is doing the same. Oh my word! Calvin’s starting hand is
amazing! The 235 of uranium, that could be useful but deadly at the same time… and his other cards! My oh my, he’s gotten the Great Maw
of the Crocodile! Capable of swallowing one successful attack from the opponent, providing that it’s physical… and for his weapon, the
Sword of Singing and Dancing and Other such Things! Weak in physical prowess but very alluring… he could perhaps lure her familiar into
a slumber. And for Calvin’s familiar, he has received the mighty… oh, that’s not so good… he’s received the “mighty” Tardigrade
Magistrate. Very bulky, but has pitifully low speed, endurance, and power. Let’s check Lilligan’s cards… Oww! What do you mean, we’re
not allowed on her side!”
“Sorry, sir, but the standard protocol is no viewing of the other side’s cards.”
“We’re a radio company! I demand—oww! Let go of me, you harassing, hairy, inhumane—”
“No. Exceptions! You will be ejected from the casino if you continue to cause disruptions! I repeat, persons or anything otherwise
that has access to both sides of the casino and are able to process and retain the data relating to the participant’s cards will be forcibly and—”
“Yes, yes, fine. I guess we’ll just have to lose some valuable viewers and sponsors, as well as risk the failing of Eggplant Radio in
the process. If you’re fine with that then I guess we can’t—”
“No! Please! I’m a huge fan! I didn’t realize you’re working for Eggplant Radio! I’ll let it slide this time! Please!”
“That’s what I thought. Anyways, Lilligan appears to have heavenly cards as well. The 8,997 of Clubs, not the ideal suit, but the
value couldn’t be better! An odd number with an even thousands number! Moving on, she appears to have not one, but two WildCards, the
Card of Perpetual One-Legged Standing Via Flamingo Power, commonly nicknamed COPOLSVFP, pronounced ​coepolsuvufpv.​ It’s a curse
which halves her speed and her defense, but doubles her attack and her focus! I wonder when she’s going to deactivate it. For her weapon,
the Massive All-In-One Splaydtula. (Splaydtula = spoon + fork + knife + spatula.) Ahh, the Splaydtula… immense reserves of power, yet so
unwieldy. Could be a blessing or a curse! For her familiar, she has received the mediocre Omphalos Ostrich… it’s pretty much just a bland,
median familiar animal with no particularly outstanding statistics besides for its ability to grant double speed, but it’s still infinitely superior
to the Tardigrade Magistrate. Oh! The match is starting! A random dice roll is customary to decide who goes first… Calvin rolls, ah, let’s
see, a four! Pretty good, but— oh no, Lilligan’s rolled a five! Lilligan starts, I guess. And she goes! Her first move is to use her first
WildCard… ahh, she’s not gotten something pretty! A debuff, from the looks of it… what’s it called? Oh, the Mask of Maddening. Not seen
often, but it appears she’s now halved on speed, which doesn’t do much because it basically negates the Omphalos Ostrich’s power. Not
ideal, and also not critical for a win. And now we see Calvin drawing a card, and he gets the Office Cubicle of Immense Boredom! It makes
your opponent do one of the following: Curl up in a ball and sob, stare blankly at a wall for 20 seconds, or, finally, start filing papers like the
wind. A very powerful card in these circumstances, with such a high speed game in action. And now, as Lilligan is looking the other
direction, he draws a second card! Wow! I didn’t even know that was allowed- oh, I see, it’s not. And now, Calvin is being forcibly escorted
from the casino with his Office Cubicle of Immense Boredom being hurled after him! Wow! What action! Now I can see why gambling is so
fun! Oh, I see, this isn’t supposed to happen. Well, this has been fun- oh, look! Here come the police now! I wonder if they’ll give me a
junior cop sticker! Oh, I love those things! Well, this has been the Eggplant Radio at what certainly seems to be the most exciting casino
match of the year. This is Otnis Partbalg, signing off.