~The Times~

Issue One Ten Cents

Food Fight Break-Out

Article by Seth Raphael
At WCI, there was a food fight break out in the cafeteria. This was discovered when a custodian
walked into the office with 7 pounds of food on his body. He resigned immediately after being
cleaned off and collecting his insurance. Several were injured, as the cafeteria food is military
grade and can leave serious bruises if used as a projectile. Also, when broken open, it can leave
odors capable of knocking anyone in the vicinity senseless for up to 15 minutes, which caused
several head injuries. Police are investigating to find any traces of who started the fight, and
they have several leads.
The authorities have gotten involved after several students were sent to the hospital after
acute liver damage caused by ingestion of several ounces of the aid ‘military-grade food. After
the detectives interviewed several witnesses, they narrowed the prime suspect down to eight.
After further investigation, the authorities suspect that either Fronk Swethreman, Candore
Syulredun, or Reyunt Preynommay have started the fight, and will soon be interrogating each
of them. If they find out who, they will take the case to the Supreme Court for a verdict on what
to do. If they cannot get this case through to the Supreme Court, they shall take matters into
their own hands, which would mean flogging, beating, and whipping them. If they survive, they
will be granted freedom. If not...oh well! At least they have insurance.

Flatulence Framed For Fire

Article by Seth Raphael

At WCI, a fire erupted in a science classroom due to flatulence next to embers from an
experimental fire in the fireplace. The high power release of air caused the materials to spread
about, setting fire to everything in the room. Live at the scene, the science teacher says he has
no clue who caused this fire, but if he ever finds out who, he’ll remove their intestines so it
doesn’t happen again. He is not angry, and wants no revenge, but is simply cautious of such
high power emissions of air. Students will admit nothing about the case, and so far we have no
leads.
 Cataclysmic Cursing Criminal Caught
Article by Seth Raphael

At WCI, Cabredat McRosht was found doing the worst kind of crime there is--swearing. The
teacher reports, “He said to his friend, ‘Oh, h*ll we have a lot of homework.’ I don’t even feel
comfortable repeating the word in this paper. His name was… Don! That’s what it was. Don
Chetray said the H word in class, a crime I think punishable by imprisonment. Thank you, that’s
all.” He lives at 564 Mangret court and has said, “But it’s true! We did have a h*ll of a lot of
homework that day, and the homework we did have was h*llish. We had 2 pages of spelling, 2
narratives due the next day, and about 4 pages of math. That’s a lot!” Upon further
investigation, we have found that he was procrastinating for days on end, and this was the
reason for the homework pile-up. The verdict is that procrastination is a crime punishable by
death by forced homework ingestion, and all justice was served.

“Vines are Guilty” is the Judges’ Verdict

Article by Seth Raphael and Isaac Parker

At WCI, Arnold Shmendrickson declared during math class, when the teacher playfully asked
what they watched on YouTube, that he absolutely loved vines. The teacher, scared for
Shmendrickson’s safety and well-being, immediately called the principal and reported the
incident. The principal, mortified about the vine incident at her school, called the head of state
and asked what to do. The head of state responded by saying it was too big a job for him to
handle, and promptly contacted the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court’s, completely
unbiased, amazingly fair ruling was that he should be hung for heresy.

Live at the scene before the hanging, Apristin Shinput reports him stating, “I’m not ashamed of
what I’ve done. I’ll watch vines ‘till the end,” to which the Supreme Court responded by voting
on the matter of his hanging being 7 hours earlier than planned, which received the only ever
unanimous vote by democrats and republicans alike. Also at the scene is the entire Guinness
Book of World Records, because as said before, this is the only documented case of a
unanimous vote by democrats and republicans. Shmendrickson died with no regrets in his
mind, only sad that no one else in the world was as obsessed with vines as he was.
 Sports
The WCI Squires vs. The Foothill Griffins
Article by Seth Raphael

At WCI, at 7:16 pm., the WCI Squires played the Foothill Griffins in an intense game of
basketball. Live at the scene, Frank Welston reported; “Here we are, at the most intense game
of the season, Squires vs. Griffins! And… They begin! The referee drops the puck, and the third
baseman starts yelling like a madman, ‘Foul! Foul!” The umpire walks over and takes the stick
from the goalie, who is given a two minute major for roughing. Now, they resume again,
passing through the air gracefully from stick to stick, then slamming the ball into the net with
amazing agility. They score!!

The Squires go for the field goal… They miss! I can’t believe it! The easiest in history, and they
let it go way out of the ballpark. Now, the Griffins have the ball, they’re returning every hit with
a vicious swing from the racket, they win the point! Score is now 6 to 3. Now, the Squires take
possession once again, they start skating down the grassy field at breakneck speed! Just look at
them go! Aaand… The Squires make the winning touchdown! They are victorious!!!!”
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