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Bella Lawson

Mrs. Morales

Memoir

18 August 2019

The Courage To Heal: Looking Back

The sexual abuse I lived through as a child has shaped my entire world, how I think, how

I feel, even the chemical balances in my brain. Growing up, and becoming the young woman I

am today has been difficult. Everyday I deal with depression, anxiety, and the PTSD that my

cousin gave me because of what he did.

At my cousins house, around 2012, Aunt Shylene is fuming. I have no idea what is going

on, and my parents aren’t here so they can’t help. She shoves my cousin Tayllor and I against the

wall. She slaps him, and bangs the wall with her fist. I don’t know why she is so agitated. Later

on, he takes me to his room. It smells like dirty laundry and faintly of urine. I have a feeling

about what is going to happen next, but I have no way to stop it. If I scream, he will just gag me.

I can’t fight back, he’s older and stronger than me. I just have to deal with it.

Its painful, and at the back of my mind, I can tell there is something deeply wrong with

him. I remember another point in time when I was in the laundry room at his house again,

helping fold clothes. He walks into the room and makes me get down on my knees. Again, I

know what is about to happen. But this time, instead of being submissive and obeying him.

When he forces himself on me, I bite him where it hurts most. He yells, “DON’T YOU DARE

TELL ANYONE”, and at a lower more sinister tone, “I’ll kill you if you do.”I had gotten threats
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about talking from him before, but not at this level. I was thoroughly terrified, scared of talking,

of living. It was like all of the hair on my body stood up at once. I had never thought of it as

something that I would actually say out loud, but one day it did spill out, although accidentally.

It was the summer of 2016, I was spending the week with my Aunt Sherry, my mom’s

older sister. She and I were relatively close then, and we had been talking. I’m not sure how the

conversation even got to that point. She was talking to me about how she had written to some

prison inmates, and changed their lives. Then she said, “One of them that I write to used to abuse

children.” And all of a sudden, memories of my own abuse came flooding into my mind, like a

tsunami on a tiny island.

“Oh,” I said, not knowing how to reply, “You know, my cousin used to do...things to me,

but I stopped him the last time he tried to hurt me.” She was completely taken aback, her hand

slowly raised up to her gaping mouth, I could see the fear and sadness building up in her eyes. I

told her what truly happened, but saying it aloud was like a fresh set of snow covered the

footprints my cousin made in my life that had been there for years.

Now, 3 years later after talking about it for the first time, I have finally accepted what

happened to me was painful, but I can work through it. Therapy, medication, my family and

friends have all helped keep me stable throughout these years. I will heal, and as a survivor of

sexual abuse.

I hope to spread knowledge, and help empower other young women to work through and

talk about what they’ve been through.Whether it is publishing my story, spreading awareness, or

teaching people about the dangers of abuse. Every abuse survivor deserves to heal.