Add tags Today 9:45 AM

If my love is wrong

Being in love is one of the best experience that

every human can express. But what if I say to you
that my love is different from others, that only very
few  can understand. This is my love story.

Seeing and wondering my life everyday being alone

is very usual to me,I used to be alone every time I
get through my life,every birthdays, new year,
christmas or every special occasion I used to be
alone, even my family, I don't wanna share to them
my every day life expiriences. Yes, I am a loner
person,I don't want to hang out with others because
I am afraid of rejections that one day somebody will
leave me alone. I am afraid because Im not that
usual guy, ummmm. You know what I mean not that
sraight.I am the guy that is full of pretentions in life I
identify my self as heteroflexible (straight identifying
them self as bisexual but still attracted to the same
sex).

Studying for my next week exam in the cafe, there

this one guy who approached and ask me if I could
share my table to him, because the cafe is full of
customers. Then I calmly agreed to him. Being
focused on the review, a soft laugh coming to him,
then I asked "why are you laughing ? " Why are you
so serious in studying? He replied, I said, "because
I'm doing it for my self to have a good future , to be
independent someday and live my life alone." Alone?
Why would you have to be alone?" You know life is
boring to be alone, you should try to find someone
who's gonna be with you", he said, "well, im not like
other people who needs someone to complete their
life, being by my self is enough" I replied. Then our
convo stops. Without knowing, He knows my name
to that short chatting , because he saw my name on
the cup of my coffee which I ordered in the cafe
when we first met.
One day while walking and excited to go home,
being happy because I passed the long examination
test,when I suddenly bumped into the same guy that
I have met in the cafe and he said "oh you again,
how are you" I didn't reply and continued walking
when he suddenly call my name. And I asked, "how
did you know my name?" "its not important, what
matters is I know you now and i want to make friend
with you, would you mind making friend with me?
I snobbed him and ran faster to avoid him.

Until oneday I discovered that he is my senior in the

same faculty of engineering.

Then there this one assignment for us juniors to

make for one week only.
We need to approach all seniors to sign our logbook
in engineering. All went well through signing my
book but there's one senior left, the guy that I have
met in the cafe, I asked him to sign my logbook
but a big no comes into his mouth, I asked him
why? He said, "I'll sign if you'll make friend with me
and join me to lunch to talk", in order to make things
faster, I agree to what he just said even if i don't feel
comfortable with him.

During lunch time, we've been chatting together and

I found out that he is a very humorous person, a
person that you can talk to when you were down
and unhappy, he is a little bit joker but with serious
side of personality. After that lunch break chatting
with him. I used to have lunch with him everyday, it
seems that I found a new friend that I never had
before in my life. The feeling that you're life is added
by colors of  love and happiness. The blindness that
I felt in the society of accepting me of who I am is
healed by a single personality. I gave gratitude to
him by giving him letter to let him know how much
thankful I am when I knew him. He is a very
adventurous man, whenever he travels to places, he
always asks me to come with him. I never felt this
way before. I felt that I am a jigsaw puzzle that is
incomplete until this guy came to my life who
completed and let me xperience the adventurous
life that I never felt before when I am with my shell
hiding because of the judgement of the society
towards the gender identity that I am living in. He
unlocks the best in me, he helped me create the
destiny of my life.

"Ohh.. What's this feeling? " I askes my self, "I never

felt it before, Oh my... Is this love?"

If love hits and beats in  your heart you can't do

anything but follow what's in it.

So I decided to confess my love unto him. Using

cardboards, I wrote the simple but meaningful
words in my life"I Love You".

I want that my confession is secret to others and

only the two of us can know, so I decided to go to
his apartment and knocked the door three times,
then he finally opened the door, I said "hold on, I
have something to tell you, First of all I am very
thankful to God that I met you in my life you're the
only one who let me experience the life that I never
experienced before when I was lonely, now that I
have proved my self that I have some feelings
towards you Just want to say" (showing the
cardboards with the words "I Love You").

Being in the middle of silence A tear dropped into

my eyes, this was the first time I fell in love with
someone. I know that Loving is a risk that every
people can make without knowing that love will
bounce back to them. So I took the risk even if at
the first place I don't want to have feelings to others
because I'm afraid of rejections.

Then  he finally talks, "You Loved me as what?"

"Don't you feel the same connection that I have felt
for you? I love you as special someone" , I said.

"But I just think of you as a friend", He said

Words that made me feel like I am stabbed a million

knives in my heart, thats the consequence of taking
the risk of being in love, and this time, the love that I
gave to him never bounded back on me.

He said "Im sorry if I can't be you're lover, but it

doesn't mean that I don't love you, Alvin, your love to
me isn't just normal as others, I understand how you
feel right know but I think your love to me is wrong"

"If it's wrong to love you, I'd rather stay to be wrong

because I Love You"  That words came into the
deepest part of my heart made me feel weaker.

"I just want you to know that I'll be you're friend no

matter what, I will help you move on the feelings
that you have felt to me "

What a nice and gentle guy he is, but what can I do

is to accept the fact that we're just meant to meet
each other  but did not end up together as lover.

As times go and passes by I'd learn to move on

from my darkest and hurtful hours of my life.
This just proved that the love you felt towards other,
will not be always coming back to you.

This is the lesson of my life that I will never forget

until my last breath and I promised my self, "I'll
never Love again."