April 7, 2019 / / Sunday / / #1

EDU 214 NEWS

For all your Celebrity needs, look no further!

Steve Irwin with rescued tiger Cub

Celebrity Jaguar
Attack!
Takeah Dollison
4/7/19
Ambulances had to rush to the San Diego Zoo
early Saturday afternoon after reports came in
about a jaguar attack. Eventually, it was learned Graphic curtesy of Apollo & Artemis Archer News
that none other than Paris Hilton, who had been at
the zoo on a family trip, climbed over the concrete
barricade to take a selfie. Just as she turned her
back, the female jaguar, aptly named Bremusa
after an amazon warrior, reached out a paw and
latched on to Hiltons’ arm. Witnesses say Hilton
Legolas vs Oliver Queen?
was stuck against the bars of the enclosure,
Amber Parker 4/7/19
screaming, when none other than Steve Irwin, the
Crocodile Hunter, happened to walk by and see the
Oliver Queen (a.k.a. the Green Arrow) was Despite the fact that each archer has impeccable
attack. Irwin grabbed the jaguar by its paw and
spotted on ninth street engaged in a fierce aim, neither archer seems able to get a hit on
jabbed a pressure point which unfurled its claws,
battle with Legolas, one of the members from the other because of the time they spent
allowing other bystanders to snatch Hilton away mastering their skills in combat. Though he has
from the bars. Police later revealed that, when the fellowship of the ring. Oliver Queen spent
nearly 10 years learning from some of the best significantly less training and experience,
questioned, Hilton appeared astonished that the Oliver Queen doesn't seem at all phased by his
jaguar attacked, exclaiming, “I love Africa in archers and fighters around the world. His
most recent mentor was the head of the league opponent and both show no sign of
general, South Africa and West Africa. They are surrendering to the other. The intense archery
both great countries.” In the aftermath of the of assassins, Ra's Al Ghul, who is rumored to
have killed thousands in his time, as well as battle has been going on for two days now and
attack, the biggest question was what would it looks far from over. We don't know anything
happen to Bremusa. In a press release Monday taking out some of the most notorious
criminals in history. Legolas is Sindarin an elf further, but new information will be released as
morning, zoo officials announced, “Bremusa will it is discovered. Until then, refrain from going
not be put down. All proper security features were from woodland realm who has spent the better
part of 3000 years training as an archer and near ninth street and stay safe
in place but she is a wild animal. Unfortunately,
when those security features are purposely fighting against orcs in massive wars. A three
overridden, she will react accordingly.” Steven block radius on either end of ninth street has
Irwin was later asked about his feelings on the been shut down and evacuated due to the
announcement and he stated, “I was stoked when I lethal battle taking place.
heard the news. The truth is that we will never
save wildlife by killing it.”

IN THIS ISSUE
WALKER TEXAS Gilmore Girl meets Celebrity Jaguar
RANGER BACK IN Gossip Girl, it’s not Attack!
ACTION over yet.
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April 7, 2019 / / Sunday / / #1
**BREAKING NEWS-THE AVENGERS
BREAKS UP
Adan Vences 4/7/19
We recently spotted Billionaire Tony stark
fighting Thanos solo. The battle took place in
Time Square, at around 9 Tuesday night. The
fight took several hours, were it ended with
Thanos, teleporting to another dimension. No
casualties were found but several millions of
dollars in structural damages were reported.
We had time to ask Tony “Iron Man” Stark
why he was is he alone? He responded by
saying “I'm Focusing on myself”. After seeing
Iron Man fight solo, we can only confirm that
the Avengers have broken up. This comes
with the recent events of Thor’s alcoholic
relapse. There are several reports that the god
of thunder has been checked into New York
Alcoholic Rehabilitation Center. He has
struggled with his alcoholic issues since the
death of his nemesis but loved Brother Loki.
When asked about his relapse, Thor denied
the report claiming that he control his liquor.
Also, we must not forget the recent reports of
the incredible Hulk’s battle with depression. It
has now been one year since Bruce Banner
transformed into the Hulk. Earlier last month,
we had a chance to asked Bruce Banner about
why he hasn’t transformed. He stated “I’m
finding my happy place”. The break up
biggest piece of evidence, comes from
Captain America. As it is documented, in
military records, that he has retired from the
armed services due to PTSD from World War
2. As Iron Man being the only healthy
avenger, who can save us from Thanos? With
speculations that Iron Man has enlisted the
help of other lesser named heroes, like Spider-
man and Ant-man, it doesn’t raise people’s
confidence. How can bugs stop supreme
beings? But there is hope. With President
Donald Trump’s recent visit to Wakanda
going well. We can only hope for a U.S and
Wakanda alliance. The Alliance would allow
the Black Panther to join our side against
Thanos. We need peace in the world and a
committed group of avengers, are our modern
Knights.
EDU 214
NEWS
Didn’t you read this
already?
Skylar Jones-Speaber 4/7/19
There is a fifth dimension beyond that
which is known to man. It is as vast as
space and timeless as infinity. It is an area
which we call…The Kardashian Zone.
Last episode on Keeping Up with the
Kardashians, many viewers had been
suddenly shocked to see the introduction
sequence to the show narrated by Rod
Serling. Calls began ringing into our offices
immediately. The answering reporters felt
confused by these phone calls. Hadn’t Rod
Serling always been the narrator of the
critically-acclaimed Kardashian show?
Research had to be done. Our team of
reporters began furiously googling Rod
Serling to discover anything and everything
about his history. It had confirmed what
they thought they had already known- Rod
Serling had only ever worked for the
Kardashians.
The next day, a Kardashian expert was
brought in. When asked about the sudden
and odd controversy surrounding Rod
Serling, Travis Scott replied “He in sicko
mode”. What did this mean? Scott refused
to answer.
As we write this, we are still confused by
the claims Rod Serling was never part of
the Kardashians. However, we are even
more concerned by the hysterical claims
that Rod Serling died in the 1970’s. Has
our audience lost their minds? Don’t you
remember? Don’t you?
WALKER TEXAS
RANGER BACK IN
ACTION
Esther Walker 4/7/19
Chuck Norris was seen this weekend in Dallas
Texas battling crime once again. He is no
stranger to battling crime back in the day on his
hit TV show, Walker, Texas Ranger. We were a
little surprised to see even at age 79 he is still
kicking butt! The actor, Tom Holland who
plays Spiderman was having a big hotel party to
celebrate his new movie coming out this
summer. It just happened to be in the room next
to Chuck Norris. When Norris went over to see
what all the commotion was, he saw a man
mugging a woman. Norris stepped into action
and used his famous black belt moves on him.
Norris detained the suspect until the cops
arrived. Tom Holland might be the superhero in
the movies, but Chuck Norris the Walker Texas
Ranger was the real superhero that night!
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April 7, 2019 / / Sunday / / #1 EDU 214
NEWS
KEYWORD

Snow White's’ new dwarves?

Gabriela Antunez 4/7/19 With no dragons to defeat, of course the Happy was more than content with the decision
occasional orc or warg here and there, the of Snow White saying he only wished the best
company will have more free time. Snow for her and knows the bond formed with them
Last Thursday afternoon Snow White was seen in White had been living with her 7 dwarves until will always be strong. Grumpy on the other
New York’s Central Park having a picnic….with last September when she moved into her own hand...let’s just say he was the opposite of
Kili, Fili, Ori, Dori, Nori, Bofur and Balin from apartment stating “the dwarves and I keep in happy and said some not so nice words. No
Thorin Oakenshield’s company! Has Snow White touch everyday FaceTiming. I just needed comment from the company of Thorin
moved on from her 7 adorable dwarves to rugged, some space and wanted to venture out and Oakenshield just yet.
handsome ones? As we all know, after the make new friends.” Could Snow White be
company of Thorin Oakenshield managed to growing up and looking for more than friends?
defeat Smaug and claim back their home, Erebor, We asked for a statement from the 7 original
the company has been sighted more and more! dwarves back home and only Grumpy and
Happy spoke.

Gilmore Girl meets Gossip

Girl, it’s not over yet.
Mary Tijing 4/7/19

Hey, Stars Hollow, Gossip Girl here and I have the biggest news ever.
Spotted at Luke’s Diner, Serena Van der Woodsen and her husband,
Nate Archibald, eating Luke’s organic hamburgers. It seems like the
famous couple decided to trade New York’s glamorous Upper East
side for a more laid-back small town. Tired of the drama? It’s not quite
over yet. Rory Gilmore is back in town and is single as ever. Rumor
has it that she is the reason Mister Archibald is eyeing the small town
or it could be because its closer to Yale. According to a Gossip Girl
loyalist, Archibald met Gilmore at one of his political campaign galas
where Gilmore is part of the press, Scandal vibe anyone? As for Dan
Humphrey, he is maintaining his friendship with Miss Van der
Woodsen. He is such a very supportive friend that he decided to also
leave the Upper East side and move to Stars Hallow to become the
editor-in-chief of the Stars Hallow Gazette. Looks like fate will not
separate Golden girl and Lonely Boy. In other news, Stars Hollows
Nate Archibald and Serena Van der Woodsen seen outside very own Kirk is the winner of this years The Voice. Kirk would like
Luke’s Diner to thank his coach Blake Shelton for believing in him.

Famous Wizarding Family Still Growing

Tembra Spiller 4/7/19 With Rubeus Hagrid were other family
members including the child's other
In recent news, sports editor of the Daily Prophet, namesake's son, Theodore Lupin.
Ginevra Molly Potter nee Weasley, and her
husband, the famous auror, Harry James Potter, Many are wondering if this fourth family
have announced the birth of the newest member of member will place in Hufflepuff, seeing as
their family, Rubae Remus Potter. At the birth was James Potter placed in Gryffindor, Albus in
the daughter's godfather and namesake, Rubeus Slytherin, and Lily in Ravenclaw. The future
Hagrid, who had taken Harry Potter to a safe has yet to be written, but for now, many have
haven the Chosen One upon the first defeat of the started to call the Potter siblings the new
One Who Must Not Be Named. It was years later "Hogwarts Four."
that Rubeus also brought Harry Potter to
Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, What is to be known, is like their forebears,
where the two became great friends, and the man this generation is capable of great things,
became a father figure in Potter's life. indeed.

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April 7, 2019 / / Sunday / / #1
Doctor Brawl Breaks out!
Amanda Burnside
4/7/19
Over the weekend patrons of the Sip N' Slip got to witness what some
may consider the brawl of the century. Doctors; John Carter, Abby
Lockhart, and Doug Ross were quietly enjoying some food and drink
after a long shift at County General Hospital in Chicago, IL. To the
shock of everyone in the Sip N' Slip in walked three doctors from Grey
Sloan Memorial hospital, 2,000 miles away in Seattle. "You could feel
the tension in the bar grow thick" said Rita Levi, a patron at the Sip N'
Slip Saturday night. Alek Karev, Meredith Grey, and Owen Hunt
walked in and directly up to the table where the ER doctors were
sitting. An argument ensued between the two groups growing louder
and louder.
Bill Nye the… Zombie Guy?
Deanna Vann
4/7/19
Bill Nye wanted something different...he wanted a challenge. He heard
what was happening in Atlanta with this Apocalypse and what not, so
he took the next plane there. He is in need of a season 4 for his Netflix
show Bill Nye Saves the World. After days he found Rick and Daryl
stuck in a hole. He helped them get out and they just talked about this
Apocalypse and how they are concerned how the walkers are talking
now. Bill Nye knew as risky as it sounds, he had to go find one and see
for himself. Daryl helped him find one, killed him and Bill got some
DNA. They took Bill back to their camp site, introduced himself to
everyone but everyone was not that friendly.
EDU 214
NEWS
Eye witness account tell us the argument was about which hospital and
which set of doctors were obviously the better of the two. This
continued on for several minutes only growing louder and more
heated. The whole ordeal came to a head when Alex Karev, known by
many for his hot temper, picked up a pool stick and to everyone's
surprise challenged John Carter to a game of pool! He shouted
"Winner takes all" the bartender, Sam Malone told us. The two groups
of doctors headed to the pool tables and started to play. Eyewitness
accounts tell us that they continued to play for hours and hours, taking
turns between the six of them. "I think after an hour they all forget
what they were even fighting about", Leslie Knope told our reporter.
When asked what happened all six doctors declined to comment on the
event. Keep reading for other updates on this story and many of our
other juicy stories.
He spent three days in his tent trying to find a cure but did not find
one. He concluded that everyone should leave and pretty much die off.
Rick was then confused on how Bill even got to Atlanta and explained
to him that is what the world kind of decided to do. Let them die off,
but not save us because they think we are infected or could get others
infected. Once they found that he came here with his own plane, in the
middle of the night a bunch of them sneaked off in the middle of the
night and stole his plane.
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