Government Dysfunction

written by

Luke Stowell
 We open on a government office, a woman sitting at a
desk in a large spinning chair, appearing to be hard
at work. She is older, aged, and experienced. She's
seen everything. There is a door stage right, and a
shredder to the left of the desk.

NANCY PELOSI
(typing)
"And as he kissed her and kissed her, she knew in that moment
she had to have him then and there-"
(realizing the audience)
Oh! My! Hello, hello, yes! Yes, hello, welcome. For those of
you who don't know me, I'm Nancy Pelosi, the House Minority
Leader. Now I recognize most of you don't know how this stuff
works. Well, there are 435 members in the House of
Representatives, which is one of the two parts of the
legislative branch. Now, each Representative has a certain
district in a certain state. For example, I'm the
representative of California's twelfth district, For those of
you who don't know government zoning that's San Fran. Now,
there are Less Democrats than Republicans in the House. That
makes us Dems the Minority. And I was elected by my party to
speak for the Democrats in the House. This makes me the House
Minority Leader. And then I was Speaker of the House during
Bush's Second term and Obama's first. But enough about me. I
want to know just what it is you, the voters, want.
There is silence (probably)
NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)
Nothing? Great, I wasn't planning on doing a damn thing
anyway. But that's just government. Also, I gotta endorse my
new perfume, you guys, this stuff smells fantastic, it's
called "House Minority Leader," and everyone has a free
bottle under their seats! I'm kidding, don't look. Now before
we really get started tonight, I want you all to know i don't
wanna get political here. I may be the highest ranking female
in elected government, but I think for now, we should all
just sit together and-
On comes a small, nervous secretary who obviously
brings bad news. She walks to the door, summons up
the courage to knock, and does so
NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)
WHAT!?
LIZ
Mrs. Pelosi...?
NANCY PELOSI
What do you want, Ethel.
 2.

LIZ
My name is Liz.
NANCY PELOSI
Whatever, I've got an audience, let's hurry this up.

LIZ
Well, there's really no easy way to say this, what with the
controversial election and all, and with you so busy
especially at this time of year and with the weather like it
is.
NANCY PELOSI
On with it or out with it, Liz.
LIZ
(hurried and nervous)
The president is dead.
NANCY PELOSI
What do you mean the president's dead?
LIZ
I mean he slipped, and he fell, and he fell down the stairs,
and he broke everything and then died.
NANCY PELOSI
Is this a joke... Did Chuck Schumer tell you all this... that
jokester, always pulling my leg.
LIZ
No ma'am, directly from the White House.
NANCY PELOSI
Oh... oh my that's terrible news. So now the President will
be...
LIZ
The Vice President
NANCY PELOSI
Yes... thank you Liz... You can go now.
LIZ leaves

NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)

(making air quotations)
"The president is dead" Ha! That's pretty good. These are
just a few of the antics that go around here every day. A
couple of months ago there was a rumor going around that
Donald Trump was elected president. Anyway let me show you
around a bit. This is my desk, and, uhm, this is my shredder.
And, Oh! This is my husband, Paul, come on Paul
 3.

A scared man, PAUL, walks on

NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)
Anything you'd like to share?
Before he can say anything, he is cut off

NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)

No? Okay, good.
NANCY pushes her husband offstage
NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)
He's not anything special. Anyway, I was just working on-
LIZ knocks again
NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)
What is it now, Lana?
LIZ
It's Liz, ma'am
NANCY PELOSI
I don't care
LIZ
Well, ma'am, there's not really an easy way to say this... On
their way to see the president, or, at least his broken
lifeless body, the Vice President and the Speaker of the
House got in a car accident, their car flipped over and into
the Potomac, and both of them drowned.
NANCY PELOSI
(laughing)
Yeah, okay
LIZ
Ma'am this is no laughing matter. Three of the most powerful
people in the country just died!
NANCY PELOSI
(referring to her boobs)
Sure they did. And these are natural.
LIZ
Ma'am this is really happening
NANCY PELOSI
(showing LIZ out)
Alright Liz, you just tell me if anything else "happens."
LIZ exits
 4.

NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)

Ah, what a funny joke. I hope the poor girl doesn't get too
beat up about it.
NANCY PELOSI goes to her desk, sits and works
forgetting the audience, just for a little.
NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)
Oh, yes! You... my, wonderful public. What's that you say?
What would I do with the presidency? Well to begin, I
wouldn't. And even if I wanted to, I never will. 19 people of
very important status would have to die before I'm president,
and I don't predict that ever happening. I mean, really-
LIZ knocks

NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)

Laurie, I swear.
LIZ
It's Liz...
NANCY PELOSI
I really, really, don't care.
LIZ
Well, there's no easy way to say this. The President of the
Senate was lunching with The Secretary of State, the
Secretary of Treasury and the Secretary of Defense, when the
Attorney General enters and accidentally knocks over a chair,
which hits a counter top that falls into a wall, causing the
whole building to collapse, killing all five of the
aforementioned government personnel.
NANCY PELOSI
Okay, alright, that's enough. You can run along and tell
Chuck Schumer or Paul Ryan or whoever it is that they can
quit it, I know it's a joke.

LIZ
Ma'am, Paul Ryan is dead
NANCY PELOSI
Buh-bye Liz
LIZ exits. NANCY PELOSI returns to her work. While
she's working, a well-dressed man enters and goes to
knock on the door. Before he can, though, he drops
dead. Now NANCY PELOSI, unaware of what has happened,
begins reading, and shredding, mail.
NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)
Alright, Let's read me some mail. "Mrs. Pelosi, The Golden
Gate Bridge needs urgent repairing." Mmmm... Shred.
 5.

She shreds the letter

NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)

"Mrs. Pelosi the Prime minister of Sweden requests your
audience" Shred. "Mrs Pelosi, A Bill has been proposed to
deport all and every Illegal immigrant." Yeah, good luck with
that. Shred. "Mrs. Pelosi, We can't keep meeting like this."
Oh, oops, i'll just, uhm, save that one. "Mrs. Pelosi, the
president requests your audience at a state dinner Wednesday
evening." Well, if he's dead how's that gonna work? Shred.
During this, LIZ enters, checks the name tag on the
dead man outside the room, and knocks on the door.
LIZ
Mrs. Pelosi
NANCY PELOSI
Lars, I really don't have time for this, i'm trying to make
the government more efficient here
LIZ
Mrs. Pelosi I-
NANCY PELOSI
Out with it Lakeisha!
LIZ
(rushed and terrified)
Well you see, there's really no easy way to say this... now
that everybody's dropping like flies, the Secretary of the
Interior stepped down, and when she did that, the Secretary
of Commerce went to go see her, but he got mugged on the way,
so then the secretaries of Labor, Agriculture and Health and
Human Services went to see him at the Hospital, but the
hospital is right next to the zoo, and since nobody goes to
that part of town they got lost, and somehow ended up in the
insect enclosure of the zoo. Why that exists i don't know.
Anyway, there, the Secretary of Agriculture got bit by a
scorpion, and the Secretary of Health and Human Services
tried to suck the poison out of him, but it was just as
poisonous to one as the other, so now they're both dead, the
Secretary of Labor stepped down, and I knew you wouldn't want
me to tell you, so I sent someone else to do it and now long
story short, The Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
is dead outside your office for no apparent reason at all. If
he doesn't die like everyone else did, the Secretary of
Transportation will be president because somehow, everybody
else before him either resigned or is dead, also my name is
Liz.
NANCY PELOSI
Liz, are you high? I mean there's been some elaborate jokes
around here, but nothing this crazy.
 6.

A man enters and drags off the dead body

LIZ
(leading her out the door)
No! Look, I'll show you, there's a dead body right out here
NANCY PELOSI
Liz, there's nothing here. I think maybe you ought to go back
to your cubicle and take a little rest.
LIZ
But Mrs. Pelosi, I-
NANCY PELOSI
Buh-bye Liz.
LIZ exits.
NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)
That girl is so stressed. This couldn't all be real, right?
You down there in the red sweatsuit. This isn't all real,
right? Nah. They're just all joking. Anywho, lets get back to
writing that romance novel!
NANCY PELOSI sits at her desk and begins typing.
NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)
"A Chance Encounter on the Dunes." Chapter 1 "He was
wandering through the desert. Hot. Dripping with sweat.
Thirsty." No, not thirsty. Hey, does anybody out there have a
better word for thirsty? Anyone? Oh, Wait I got it. "Hot.
Dripping with sweat. Parched." Ooh, that's really nice, I
like that...
LIZ enters and knocks.
NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)
Oh just come in. Let me guess. "There's no easy way to say
this but... The Secretary of Transportation and the Secretary
of Energy have both stepped down and run away to Paris
because of their secret affair, meanwhile, the Secretary of
Education accidentally fell into a manhole and the Secretary
of Veteran's Affairs died trying to save him. And, shwoopsie,
the Secretary of Homeland Security was born in Ireland, so
she can't do it and now, the presidency goes to George H.W.
Bush again, because he's the Secretary of I don't give a
shit," and this is all some annoying joke that you're not
seeing. You know, Liz, you're a really crappy secretary and I
ought to have you fired.
(MORE)
 7.
NANCY PELOSI (CONT’D)
But I can't do that because then I'd be "Taking Jobs away
from the American people" and some lazy white guy will
threaten my house seat, but really he'll lose the election 70
to 30, and I'll have two more years in this annoying public
service job that I've never even liked, and I've only ever
been here because "Oh, Nancy got a good grade on this test"
then "Oh, Nancy is going to this fancy all girls' college"
then "Oh, Nancy married rich, she's going someplace" and then
several campaigns and a whole lot of wine later, I'm 65 years
old and Speaker of the House of Representatives. I mean you'd
think being this successful, i'd at least be a little happy.
LIZ
Ma'am I understand your feelings but there is something very
important I need you to realize-
NANCY PELOSI
Oh, how I yearn for the good old days. I was young,
beautiful, sexy, a bit like yourself there, Liz. Let me give
you a piece of advice: get out of here while you can. One
moment you're working as a short-term government secretary, a
few things happen and wham! You're the governor of a state
you didn't even know existed. God, I swear, the moment this
term ends, I'm retiring to San Juan, and just laying in the
sun until I die.
LIZ
Ma'am, all the rest of the President's cabinet stepped down.
Well, except for the Secretary of Education, he really did
fall into a manhole.
NANCY PELOSI
Yeah, sure.
LIZ
Well, you see, since everyone else is gone, the position goes
to the House Minority Leader.
NANCY PELOSI
Oh, well, good for them, you just let them know.
LIZ
Ma'am
NANCY PELOSI
Yes, Liz?
LIZ
Uh, Ma'am
NANCY PELOSI
What is it Liz?
 8.

LIZ
Ma'am.
NANCY PELOSI looks at LIZ in annoyance. LIZ stares at
NANCY PELOSI. NANCY PELOSI looks back in shock. LIZ
nods. NANCY PELOSI faints. LIZ picks her up and
brings her back to consciousness.
NANCY PELOSI
You mean this whole time it's all been real?
LIZ
Yes ma'am
NANCY PELOSI
So i'm...
LIZ
Yes, ma'am. Or should I say "Madame President?"
NANCY PELOSI
No, you must certainly should not. Liz, I need just a few
moments to myself.
LIZ
Yes ma'am, whatever you need ma'am
LIZ exits. NANCY PELOSI runs, in panic to her desk.
She sits and writes, hurriedly. She finishes a note,
stuffs some papers into a briefcase, and runs
offstage, slamming the door behind her. She quickly
rushes back onstage, grabs her husband PAUL from
stage left and runs out the other way with him,
bumping into LIZ on the way out.
LIZ (CONT’D)
Mr and Mrs. Pelosi, what is all this?
NANCY PELOSI
Liz Perfect! Liz, Listen, since there's no way hell they can
make me be president, I've got a plan. I've written a fake
suicide note, claiming I threw myself into the Potomac.
There's a little community I know of in Buenos Aires. We'll
have full protection there. We'll dress Paul up like a woman.
She's beautiful. Her name is Juana Gonzalez. Me, I'm Maria
Vasquez. You're Gloria Montoya. We're a travelling mariachi
band.
LIZ
Woah, woah, Mrs. Pelosi, isn't this all a little drastic? You
could just step down, or refuse the office?
NANCY PELOSI
No, that'll make me look weak.
 9.

LIZ
Well i'm certainly not going with you
NANCY PELOSI
I am prepared to give you one million dollars.
LIZ
Buenos Aires here we come!
Blackout. Lights up on the same office. A government
worker strides on and sees the door wide open. He
walks in and picks up the note on the desk. He reads:
GOVERNMENT MAN
"If you're reading this letter, I'm already dead. Over stress
from the looming presidency, I've thrown myself into the
Potomac. Don't try to find my body. It won't be there. My
last wish is that all my belongings be packed up, and sent to
my cousin, Maria Vasquez in Buenos Aires, Argentina"
He turns over the paper
GOVERNMENT MAN (CONT’D)
"A Chance Encounter on the Dunes." Chapter One. "He was
wandering through the desert. Hot. Dripping with sweat-
GOVERNMENT MAN (CONT’D)
Parched."
Blackout.