Back-to-School Night for 1 Child in 2 Houses

There is no judgment of children who live in 2-homes. There is no judgment of parents whose children
live in 2 homes. There is nothing inherently wrong with a lifestyle that moves children from one home to
another according to varying schedules. In fact, based on family court statistics, children who live across
2 homes are more likely to have positive and supportive interaction with 2 loving parents than are
children who grow up in single-home, single-led households.

But you cannot ignore that there are idiosyncrasies that must be addressed when a child lives in 2
homes throughout the school year. With planning, and attention to detail, 2-home children can benefit
from the love and attention of both parents….

So how does this work?

Before school starts:

 The parent – presumably the parent with primary or sole custody in the legal sense –
who submits the demographic, medical, dental and related forms should also give the
other (non-custodial) parent a copy for their records.
 Include the other parent’s information just as you would if you were married. This is
critical to the inclusion of both parents when decisions are made regarding your child.
 Don’t be the parent who leaves the FATHER:__________ or MOTHER:_______ line blank
on any form. There are no amoebas in your home, so please don’t go there.
Additionally, we all recognize that there are some educators – lets be honest – who may
prejudge based on a child’s living situation. There is no reason to give them
unwarranted ammunition.
 The pick-up list, similarly, should be made available to the other parent BEFORE being
given to the school. Any concerns, biases or other issues should be addressed BEFORE
someone comes to pick up little Onya and all hell breaks loose.
 In some situations, particularly where co-parent’s relationship is less-than-stellar, there
may be a need for a DO NOT PICK-UP list. Again, such a list should be addressed BEFORE
submission to the school.

During the school year:

 Make a formal request and provide the necessary documentation so that duplicate
copies of school communications are sent to both homes. Report cards, honors
certificates, notices of detention or suspension, field trips, all should be sent to both
homes (or children should be given multiple copies when requested
 Have books, notebooks, supplies, computer or pad – or some type of digital device – at
both homes. Children should not have to adjust their learning style based on the day of
the week. Before you start yelling, yes, I know, one parent probably has a different
financial picture than the other. (That’s a different blog post). Not a big problem; just
adjust schedules so the child has time to get to a library, a friend’s house, anywhere
they can efficiently and appropriately study and complete their schoolwork.
 Be mindful of the other parent’s schedule. It isn’t realistic to assume that parents will
agree on concepts like bedtime and curfew. Allowing your child to go to bed at 1 AM on
school nights when he/she is with you (while knowing that the other parent maintains a
10pm lights-out) will probably earn you brownie points. It will also make your child a hot
mess in school the next day. Trust me! Is parental agreement preferable? Yes. Is it
possible? Yes. Is it mandatory? No, because many parents aren’t there yet. That’s why
we offer coaching and mediation service at sKidsNeed2. In the interim, discuss and (do
your best to) compromise on parenting issues so your children are not forced to engage
in schizophrenic behavior at an early age.
  “Do your best to maintain consistent academic guidelines and expectations between
houses. Be flexible, but realize that the greatest causes of academic failure In 2-home
children are (1) emotional concerns and (2) inconsistent academic expectations and
guidelines.“ Taken from my e-report, “7 Co-parenting Steps for Academic Achievement”,
read the full document for additional information.
 Share any news you receive with the other parent. Emergency parent meeting? Share.
Rescheduled IEP (Individualized Education Program or Individual Education Plan)? Share.
Calls from teachers or coaches or administrators or other parents? Share. The more a
child realizes that both parents are informed, the greater the chance that the child will
adhere to the rules.

The bottom line is that living in 2 houses allows a child access to both parents in -- we hope –
harmonious fashion. Even when that is not the case, always, always, put the child first. Understand that
children mimic what we do, not what we say. Cooperation and compromise are skills that children will
need in school, in higher education, on their jobs, and in their families.

Let it start as they move between the houses of the people who profess to love them.