Scene One

Will: I'm Will S. Elliot.

Seb: And I'm Seb "Seba…(he realizes he's still behind the camera) Oh! Will, here take it.

Will: Okay. (he takes the camera and begins filming Seb.)

Seb: And I'm Seb "Sebastian" Steel.

Will: Yeah! (he sets down the camera and faces it so that it's taping both of them.)

Both: And together we're Steel Wills.

Will: Welcome to our triumphant video.

(Pause)

Both: Excellent. (Air Guitar.)

(At that moment that alarm clock goes off.)

Will: Uh-oh. We're late.

Seb: For what?

Will: For school, dude.

Seb: Oh yeah.

Scene Two
(School - Mr. Ryan's Class)

Mr. Ryan: Will, I'm waiting.

Will: He's dead?

Mr. Ryan: So Will, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Ceaser was a short, dead dude.

Will: Well yeah.

Seb: (quietly to Will) You totally blew it, dude.

Mr. Ryan: Sebastian, stand up.

Seb: Stand up?

Mr. Ryan: Yes son, stand up. Now, who was Queen Victoria?

Seb: (thinks) A sponge maker?

(The bell rings for the end of class.)

Mr. Ryan: Listen guys, don't forget, tomorrow. Final Reports, 1:30-3:30, okay?

Will: Mr. Ryan, before you say anything, my distinguished colleague Seb and I wish to
express to you our thanks for all the things we have learned in your class.

Mr. Ryan: And what have you learned?

Will: We have, uh…we've learned that the world has a great history.

Seb: Yes, and that thanks to leaders such as Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Socratic
Method, the world is full of history.

Mr. Ryan: It seems to me that the only thing you have learned is that Caesar was a salad
dressing dude. Will, Seb, this is really quite simple. You have flunked every section of this
class. Now unless you get an A+ on your final oral report tomorrow, guys, I have no choice
but to flunk the both of you. Now you know your topics so I would at least suggest that you
cover those areas. Do you understand?

Both: Yes sir. (they turn to leave.)

Mr. Ryan: Guys. (they turn back to him) Your report had better be something very special.

Scene Three

(San Dimas - 2688)

(Three Great Leaders sit on a throne.)

Head Leader: It is time. Their separation is imminent.

(Rufus nods. The Leader opens his hand and a ball of light comes out. It forms this piece of
metal into a 1988 telephone booth.)

Rufus: Be excellent to each other.

Head Leader: Party on, dude!

(Rufus steps into the booth, dials the phone, and takes off for the past.)

(Will is sitting. Seb is walking back up to him, muttering under his breath.)

Both: Whoa! Not bad.

(The booth's door opens and Rufus walks out.)

Rufus: Greetings, my excellent friends.

Seb: Do you know when the Victoria ruled England?

Rufus: Well, perhaps we could ask her.. Gentlemen, I'm here to help you with your History
report.

Seb: What? How are you gonna help us?

Will: Yeah, are you gonna call someone and get the answers?

Rufus: Gentlemen, we're gonna do a lot more than that. (he dials the phone.)

Both: Whoa, excellent.

(Rufus then hangs up the phone and puts on his sunglasses.)

Rufus: Brace yourselves amigos. Gentlemen, we're history.

(The booth takes off.)

(Circuits of History)
Seb: Rufus, where are we, dude?

Rufus: These are the Circuits of History, gentlemen. They'll take us to any point in time we
wish.

Will: How?

Rufus: Modern technology, William.

Both: Whoa.
Scene Four
(Crimean War)

Will: That was most unprecedented Rufus.

Seb: Where are we, Rufus.

Rufus: Crimean Peninsula, 1856, the British are fighting the Russians. (he points)
(The guys go over and look at the battle raging on the field below them.)

Seb: Bill, check it out! We're in the middle of a war, dude!

Will: Run, over there, there is a hospital we can hide and see if the sick guys can tell us whats
going on.

Nurse: Welcome to the Crimean War hospital,

Seb: Nurse? Sorry, I didn't catch your name.
Nurse: Uh, Florence. Florence Nightingale. Well, let me show you round the hospital.First of
all, and this is very important, do be careful where you tread as there's a lot of There's lots of
blood on the floor.We do have hundreds of wounded soldiers here.
Will: There's also a lot of A lot of poo.
Florence: Most of our patients have diarrhoea.
Seb: Oh.
Will: That's disgusting.
Seb: Ooh, watch out for the Aaargh! Rats, yes.
Florence: this is one of our new patients.
Seb: Oh, but look at his sheets. They're filthy.
Florence: He's lucky. Most of our patients have to lie on the floor.
Will: On the floor? What, with all the Blood and poo.
Florence: Yes.
Rufus: Oh, good heavens.
Florence: Ah, looks like the doctor's hard at work again.
Doctor: Aha, it's just run of the mill operations round here really, mainly cutting off limbs
with a blunt saw.
Seb: A blunt saw? But that must really hurt.
Doctor: Well, yes, I have got a bit of a stiff shoulder. I just try and ignore it.
Patient: Urgh.
Florence: With all the rats around, it's very important we dispose of amputated limbs
properly.
Rufus: Oh, at last, some basic hygiene.
Doctor: Geoff! DOG BARKS Oh, he loves his feed.
Florence: Right, I can see we need to get this place cleaned up. Let's start with Blood and
poo, yes.
Ugh, think this really suits me. Don't you?
Will: Ooh! Yes, Florence Nightingale… I remember she famously introduced cleanliness and
order to hospitals in the Crimean War.
Seb: She became known as The Lady of the Lamp,
Rufus: We need to get out of here before I puke…
Will: Yep. It is a bit whiffy here.

Scene five

(Victorian England)

Will: Oh no we ended up in school again!

Seb: Lets sit in and see if we can use anything for the report… get out your camera.
Teacher: Good day. Right, settle down. Mr Butler isn't here today, so I'll be taking the
register. Uh, now I don't know any of you, so be sure to call out when you hear your name.
Raspberry Lemon, Lettuce Burger. Bovril.
Will: I'm sorry, I think you must have picked up a shopping list.
Seb: I think those are the childrens names dude.
Will: Bovril and Raspberry? Honestly?
Kid 1: Yeah, Christian names have got really weird since Victoria became Queen.
Teacher: Well, OK, on with the register.
Register: On my way, Miss.
Teacher: Sit down, what are you talking about? You said, "OK, on with the register.
OK: " I'm OK, OK Johnson.
Teacher: Well, OK, uh, unless I give permission, never get out of your seat.
Never: Yes, miss.
Teacher: Why are you standing up? You said, "Never get out of your seat," I'm Never, Never
Rookrook.
Teacher: Has nobody got an ordinary name in this classroom? Yes?
Toilet: Toilet.
Teacher: All right, be quick.
Toilet: No, that's my name. I think that's quite a normal name. My sister's called Baboon.
Will: Toilet and Baboon? Your parents must be evil.
Toilet: No, that's Evil over there.
Teacher: Yes?
Susan: I've got an ordinary name, Miss, it's Susan.
Seb: Ah, that's more like it.
Susan: Susan Semolina Thrower.
Teacher: Right, let's just try and get through this, shall we? I'll say your names, you say here
and uh, I'll try not to say your names accidentally. Happy?
Happy: Yes, Miss?
Will: Don't tell me your name's Happy?
Teacher: Right, register, here we go. Freezer Breezer.
Freezer: Here, Miss.
Teacher: Princess Cheese.
Princess: Here, Miss.
Teacher: Minty Badger.
Minty: Here, Miss.
Teacher: Scary Looker
Seb: No, I'm sorry, why would anybody call their child Scary Looker? Forget I asked.
Teacher: Now I am Miss Farting Clack.
Class: Good morning Miss Farting Clack.
CHILDREN GIGGLE
Will: Eh, it makes what celebrities call their children nowadays almost normal. Lets get out
of here, think we got enough for now.
Scene six

(palace)

Seb: Cool we are at the palace, wonder if there is free food.

Will: Dude, look theres the Queen… we should interview her for the report

Seb: She is one good looking princess, didn’t realise she was only a teenager… Im totally
going to ask her out?

Will: In your dreams… dude wait. Think this is an important moment… maybe you should
wait till after she gets crowned.

Queen Victoria enters

Herald: Um.. What’s this for? Oh yeah ah… ah… pronounce… pronounce, what is it? Oh
yeah! Announcing Queen… (whispers to sevant) What’s her name again?
(Servant whispers in Ruby’s ear)

Herald: pronouncing… announcing Queen Victoria!

(bad fanfare sound)

Archbishop : As you all know Victoria is a lovely woman. At the age of 18 she deserves to
get the crown.
(Archbishop : drops the Crown)

Queen Victoria: is this thing fake?!

Archbishop : oh no!

Queen Victoria: (slapping Archbishop) Get. Out. Of. Here. BEHEAD HIM AT ONCE.
Everyone out!
(Herald drags Archbishop off)

Will: Still want to ask her out? Nows your chance…

Seb: I changed my mind she is nuts.

(Queen spots them)

Both: God save the queen… God save the queen… (Backing into the booth) I guess.